Within this tome: REVENGE FOR EVERY OCCASION
This time we concentrate upon revenge, and what tactics best suit the circumstance.
AUTOMOTIVE REVENGE: You have been ripped
off by a mechanic: the problem in your car that he supposedly fixed has
come back, after only a short while, and he won't cover it by warranty.
Solution: Between the hours of 4 and 6 AM, "install" a similar fault into
his own car. If it's the transmission, drain all his fluid. If it's the
radiator, punch a nice big hole in it. If it's gaskets, apply acid to these
so that HIS will fail too. If it's electrical, introduce a few nice shorts
in the area that didn't work on your car. Be creative but be discreet!
After all, his car is parked right outside his own house! You have noticed
that the gasoline from one particular station or chain is causing a lot
of knocking or blue smoke or other problems (maybe that's why you went
to the above asshole mechanic). You can no longer stand it when you notice
that old people are passing you on the freeway at 35 mph! Only one thing
to do here: get back at that gas station/chain!
Ways to do this:
- Place DIRTY motor oil in the windshield
washer buckets.
- LATE at night when the station is
closed, put a few kilos of laundry detergent, sulfuric nitric or hydrochloric
acid, sugar or other substance in the underground holding tanks.
- LATE at night, run a hose from the
nearest water tap (every gas station has one) to an underground gas holding
tank. Turn it on and leave, letting water run ALL NIGHT. In the morning
there will be water and gas everywhere, and the gas remaining in the tank
will be unsaleable.
- Use Krazy Glue to sabotage gas pumps.
THE COIN-OP RIPOFF: Everyone gets pissed
when a coin operated machine takes their money and fails to deliver the
goods. Here are ways in which you can get back at the morons who own these
machines and refuse to keep them in some sort of working order.
- Take a piece of paper, about 4" x
4", fold until it is the thickness of the coin slot, place this in the
coin slot, force it down out of sight with a pocket knife, and chase it
with a few drops of Krazy Glue. Result is that the vending company needs
a new coin assembly for the machine.
- If you can get large amounts of Krazy
Glue, place a lot of it down the coin slot by itself. It will (a) freeze
the coin mechanism and (b) glue the contents of the coin box together.
- If the machine is one of a bank of
several machines, get several pieces of paper. Write "OUT OF ORDER" on
all of them, and fix them to each of the machines in the row, whether or
not they are working. Result: no more business. If you REALLY carry a grudge,
you can always place such a sign on EVERY machine owned by the offending
company. ESPECIALLY effective in an arcade when you label 40 or 50 machines
OUT OF ORDER. If you really get into this practice just for the fun of
it, get some letraset and make up a professional-looking OUT OF ORDER sign,
complete with a logo of the company you seek to avenge. Make 1.5 million
copies of this and have a ball.
- If you are ripped off by a pay-phone,
call the operator and pretend you are retarded. Ask a lot of questions
about why the phone ate your coin and you couldn't make a call, and take
FOREVER. And when the operator tries to answer, don't understand. Take
about 15 minutes of a Bell employee's (paid) time and you will have cost
the phone company way more than their ripoff payphone ever took from you.
RESTAURANT REVENGE:
Well, the food sucked. That's a good enough reason to want to exact revenge
upon these evil establishments. There are only a few things you can get
away
with, but they are good.
- Vomit. Right there at your table, as loudly as you can. Stick your
finger
down your throat if necessary, but make sure that by the time
you have
emptied your stomach, there is a great pool of puke on the
floor and
everyone in the entire place is looking at you. This will
bring about many
apologies from the staff of the place, and gross a few patrons
out enough
that some may make a point of never returning. Hell, if the
food's bad
enough, you may even get applauded by the patrons!
- Surreptitiously place various "ingredients" on salad bar/buffet
items.
Tabasco sauce in the thousand island dressing will do WONDERS
for the
place's reputation.
- If you REALLY are brave and have a lot of time to burn, get hired
as a
waiter for that place. When serving people, use a BAD attitude,
and when
people ask you why you are so rude, mumble something about
the place's
"employee training program". Or, say that you can't stand
to work for such
a sleazy operation, and that you will be quitting soon. Make
up a few
horror stories about what goes on in the kitchen. Sure you
will get fired,
but you will have succeeded in damaging the place's rep. This
is a HIGHLY
ADVANCED revenge technique, only use it if you are a good
actor and hold a
real grudge.
SCHOOL REVENGE:
What do teachers and principals do that would warrant revenge?
LOTS.
They impose unrealistic deadlines for assignments, they militantly enforce
preposterous rules and impose punishments that are repugnant to your freedom
and dignity. Despite the fact that your parents are paying their salaries,
they
look down on you as the lowest scum on earth. What can you do? PLENTY.
Read on.
- Teachers seem to be obsessed with their careers. Therefore, there
is no
better way of freaking out a teacher than to have his employment
threatened. What you can do is send the principal a letter.
Allege that the
target teacher is a sex offender. There have been so many
of these lately
that an investigation WILL result if you make the letter convincing
enough.
Make it anonymous, because you "couldn't face your parents
or peers after
what you have been subjected to". Make sure the letter is
handwritten by a
girl accomplice if you are a male; at the high-school age
it is not
difficult to tell a girl's handwriting from a guy's.
In any case, the teacher will have the freakiest period of
his career as
he is inquisited.
- If the target is a REAL tyrant, and you know many people who agree,
then
you may have an actual case against the person. Have everyone
in every one
of the target's classes sign a petition demanding the end
of the idiot's
reign of terror. Despite the fact that you would never rat
on a friend,
teachers expect you to tell on other students, so give them
a taste of their
own preaching (????).
- Schools often expect you to sit through idiotic presentations on
drinking
and driving, smoking, drugs, why you should go to church,
ad nausaeum. While
these may be beneficial to some idiots, your intelligence
is insulted by
these suckholes-in-action. What do you do? Well, you can sabotage
any
audio-visual equipment that may be used in the presentation
beforehand. If
the presentation is being given by an outside group, e.g.
the police or
MADD, then what you can do is, the day before the presentation,
have an
older, respectable-sounding accomplice phone the agency and
"cancel" it,
posing as the principal. They will want to know why and when
it can be
re-scheduled to, so have some excuses handy.
Enough about the teachers and administration. What about your fellow students,
not all of whom are your best friends (heh heh heh heh)??? They can be
royal
pains in the ass too. Some will nark on you, others will beat you up, still
others will try to rip you off or make you look like an idiot. What can
you do
about these moronotrons?
- If you have been narked on continuously, get the fink back with
the
following method: (1) After school, after the geke has left,
plant some
weed or porno magazines or other contraband in the geke's
locker.
(2) The next morning, right around the first bell, phone the
school and tell
them there is a time bomb in one of the lockers. Don't laugh
or giggle, they
will know if you are full of shit. Anyways, there will immediately
be a
search of ALL lockers, and when Mr Dickhead's locker is looked
at, he will
have a LOT of explaining to do...
- If you are intimidated by a bully or gang at school, place small
bombs in
their lockers, activated by a switch that is closed when the
locker opens...
At first this will only make them mad but if you do it enough
times, you
are guaranteed to turn the tables of terror on them.
WARRANTY FAILURE REVENGE:
OK, you have bought a product and either it blew up ONE day after the warranty
expired or it developed a problem not covered by the warranty. In either
case
you are screwed while the assholes that sold you the piece of shit laugh
all
the way to the bank. What contingencies exist for this quandry?
- If you bought it from a store, the appropriate thing to do is give
the store
a whole lot of warranty returns. This involves subtly sabotaging
shelf
stock, with Krazy Glue, a pocket knife, or whatever tools
are on hand. Make
sure that the damage you is internal or not noticeable so
that someone buys
the thing. Do this to many units of the same item, and all
throughout the
store. The returns department (the one that screwed you around
in the first
place) will have a nightmare.
- Another tactic is to write a letter to the editor of your local
newspaper.
Explain to the public what happened and why you will never
give that store
your business again. This will cost you nothing, and the paper
will most
likely print it. This is perfectly legal, and as long as you
tell the truth,
you cannot be sued for defamation of character or libel.
- If you got the heap of shit from a mail-order fly-by-nite outfit,
then there
is no way you can sabotage their stock, and a letter in the
local paper
won't do much to them if they are an out of town place. So
you screw them
through their main marketing medium: the mail! If you have
read the articles
on credit card fraud, you will already be prepared for this
next technique:
Using a phony credit card number (or a stolen one) order a
whole lot of
things by phone, all in separate orders, and all to different
NON-EXISTENT
ADDRESSES. Keep this up for awhile and they will surely go
bonkers over all
the "Returned to Sender" packages they get.
- Alternatively, if you are a phreak, pick THEIR 800 number to hack
the
wats extender from.
- Or get a bunch of friends together and tie up their 800 lines with
phony
orders (using "carding" techniques of course).
- Send the company a few letters saying how well their company has
gone over
in the Gay Community in your area, and to expect lots of orders
and
endorsements (hee hee hee hee) from your fellow gays and the
following
Gay Pride groups (list a few from the San Francisco yellow
pages...). Or, if
you don't think fags will be repulsive enough to Ripoff Mail
Order Inc.,
then send a similar letter from the Nazis or the Ku Klux Klan
or the
Communist party, along the same lines. If you decide to send
several to the
same place at the same time, make sure the cities in the return
address are
all different.
Well, that pretty much brings to a close this installment of the Pranks
series.
Watch for Pranks TEN coming soon!