Contents:

1601 .......................................................................................................................................................................1

Mark Twain ..............................................................................................................................................1

[MEM.The following is supposed to be an extract from the diary of the Pepys of that day, the same being

Queen Elizabeth's cupbearer. It is supposed that he is of ancient and noble lineage; that he despises these

literary canaille; that his soul consumes with wrath to see the queen stooping to talk with such; and that the

old man feels that his nobility is defiled by contact with Shakespeare, etc., and yet he has got to stay there till

Yesternight toke her maisty ye queene a fantasie such as she sometimes hath, and had to her closet certain

that doe write playes, bokes, and such like, these being my lord Bacon, his worship Sir Walter Ralegh, Mr.

Ben Jonson, and ye child Francis Beaumont, which being but sixteen, hath yet turned his hand to ye doing of

ye Lattin masters into our English tong, with grete discretion and much applaus. Also came with these ye

famous Shaxpur. A righte straunge mixing truly of mighty blode with mean, ye more in especial since ye

queenes grace was present, as likewise these following, to wit: Ye Duchess of Bilgewater, twentytwo yeres

of age; ye Countesse of Granby, twentysix; her doter, ye Lady Helen, fifteen; as also these two maides of

honor, towit, ye Lady Margery Boothy, sixtyfive, and ye Lady Alice Dilberry, turned seventy, she being

I, being her maites cupbearer, had no choice but to remaine and beholde rank forgot, and ye high holde

converse wh ye low as uppon equal termes, a grete scandal did ye world heare thereof.

In ye heat of ye talk it befel yt one did breake wind, yielding an exceding mightie and distresfull stink,

Ye Queene.Verily in mine eight and sixty years have I not heard the fellow to this fart. Meseemeth, by ye

grete sound and clamour of it, it was male; yet ye belly it did lurk behinde shoulde now fall lean and flat

against ye spine of him yt hath bene delivered of so stately and so vaste a bulk, where as ye guts of them yt

doe quiffsplitters bear, stand comely still and rounde. Prithee let ye author confess ye off spring. Will my

Lady Alice.Good your grace, an' I had room for such a thundergust within mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in

reason I coulde discharge ye same and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humble whereby

to shew his power. Nay, 'tis not I yt have broughte forth this rich o'ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so

Lady Margery.So please you madam, my limbs are feeble wh ye weighte and drouth of five and sixty

winters, and it behoveth yt I be tender unto them. In ye good providence of God, an' I had contained this

wonder, forsoothe wolde I have gi'en ye whole evening of my sinking life to ye dribbling of it forth, with

trembling and uneasy soul, not launched it sudden in its matchless might, taking mine own life with violence,

Ye Queene.O' God's name, who hath favored us? Hath it come to pass yt a fart shall fart itself? Not such a

one as this, I trow. Young Master Beaumont but no; It would have wafted him to heaven like down of

goose's boddy. 'Twas not ye little Lady Helennay, ne'er blush, my child; thoul't tickle thy tender

maidenhedde with many a mousiesqueak before thou learnest to blow a harricane like this. Wasn't you, my

Jonson.So fell a blast hath ne'er mine ears saluted, nor yet a stench so allpervading and immortal.'Twas

not a novice did it, good your maisty, but one of veteran experience else hadde he failed of confidence. In

Lord Bacon.Not from my leane entrailes hath this prodigy burst forth, so please your grace. Naught doth so

befit ye grete as grete performance; and haply shall ye finde yt 'tis not from mediocrity this miracle hath

[Tho' ye subjoct be but a fart, yet will this tedious sink of learning pondrously phillosophize. Meantime did

the foul and deadly stink pervade all places to that degree yt never smelt I ye like, yet dare I not to leave ye

Shaxpur.In the great hand of God I stand and so proclaim mine inocence. Though ye sinless hosts of

heaven had foretold ye coming of this most desolating breath, proclaiming it a work of uninspired man, its

quaking thunders, its firmamentclogging rottenness his own achievement in due course of nature, yet had

not I believed it; but had said the pit itself hath furnished forth the stink, and heaven's artillery hath shook the

[Then was there a silence, and each did turn him toward the worshipful Sr Walter Ralegh, that browned,

Sr. W.Most gracious maisty, 'twas I that did it, but indeed it was so poor and frail a note, compared with

such as I am wont to furnish, yt in sooth I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so August a presence. It

was nothing less than nothing, madam I did it but to clear my nether throat; but had I come prepared, then

had I delivered something worthy. Bear with me, please your grace, till I can make amends.

[Then delivered he himself of such godless an rockshivering blast that all were fain to stop their ears, and

following it did come so dense and foul a stink that that which went before did seem a poor and trifling thing

be side it. Then saith he, feigning that he blushed and was confused, I perceive that I am weak today and

cannot justice do unto my powers; and sat him down as who should say, There, it is not much yet he that hath

an arse to spare, let him fellow that, an' he think he can. By God, an' I were ye queene, I would e'en tip this

swaggering braggart out o' the court, and let him air his grandeurs and break his intolerable wind before ye

Then fell they to talk about ye manners and customs of many peoples, and Master Shaxpur spake of ye boke

of ye sieur Michel de Montaigne, wherein was mention of ye custom of widows of Perigord to wear uppon ye

headdress, in sign of widowhood, a jewel in ye similitude of a man's member wilted and limber, whereat ye

queene did laugh and say widows in England doe wear prickes too, but betwixt the thighs, and not wilted

neither, till coition hath done that office for them. Master Shaxpur did likewise observe how yt ye sieur de

Montaigne hath also spoken of a certain emperor of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maidenheddes

in ye compass of a single night, ye while his empress did entertain two and twenty lusty knights between her

sheetes, yet was not satisfied; whereat ye merrie Countess Granby saith a ram is yet ye emperor's superior,

sith he wil tup above a hundred yewes 'twixt sun and sun; and after, if he can have none more to shag, will

Then spake ye damned windmill, Sr Walter, of a people in ye uttermost parts of America, yt copulate not

until they be five and thirty yeres of age, ye women being eight and twenty, and do it then but once in seven

Ye Queene.How doth that like my little Lady Helen? Shall we send thee thither and preserve thy belly?

Lady Helen.Please your highnesses grace, mine old nurse hath told me there are more ways of serving God

than by locking the thighs together; yet am I willing to serve him yt way too, sith your highnesses grace hath

Lady Helen.Nay, it sprouted two yeres syne; I can scarce more than cover it with my hand now.

Ye Queene.Hear ye that, my little Beaumont? Have ye not a little birde about ye that stirs at hearing tell of

Beaumont.'Tis not insensible, illustrious madam; but mousing owls and bats of low degree may not aspire to

bliss so whelming and ecstatic as is found in ye downy nests of birdes of Paradise.

Ye Queene.By ye gullet of God, 'tis a neatturned compliment. With such a tong as thine, lad, thou'lt spread

the ivory thighs of many a willing maide in thy good time, an' thy codpiece be as handy as thy speeche.

Then spake ye queene of how she met old Rabelais when she was turned of fifteen, and he did tell her of a

man his father knew that had a double pair of bollocks, whereon a controversy followed as concerning the

most just way to spell the word, ye contention running high betwixt ye learned Bacon and ye ingenious

Jonson, until at last ye old Lady Margery, wearying of it all, saith, Gentles, what mattereth it how ye shall

spell the word? I warrant ye when ye use your bollocks ye shall not think of it; and my Lady Granby, be ye

content; let the spelling be, ye shall enjoy the beating of them on your buttocks just the same, I trow. Before I

had gained my fourteenth year I had learnt that them that would explore a cunt stop'd not to consider the

Sr. WIn sooth, when a shift's turned up, delay is meet for naught but dalliance. Boccaccio hath a story of a

priest that did beguile a maid into his cell, then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly thankful

for this tender maidenhedde ye Lord had sent him; but ye abbot, spying through ye keyhole, did see a tuft of

brownish hair with fair white flesh about it, wherefore when ye priest's prayer was done, his chance was

gone, forasmuch as ye little maid had but ye one cunt, and that was already occupied to her content.

Then conversed they of religion, and ye mightie work ye old dead Luther did doe by ye grace of God. Then

next about poetry, and Master Shaxpur did rede a part of his "King Henry IV," ye which, it seemeth unto me,

is not of ye value of an arsefull of ashes, yet they praised it bravely, one and all.

Ye same did rede a portion of his "Venus and Adonis," to their prodigious admiration, whereas I, being

sleepy and fatigued withal, did deine it but paltry stuff, and was the more discomforted in that ye blody

bucanier had got his wind again, and did turn his mind to farting with such villain zeal that presently I was

like to choke once more. God damn this windy ruffian and all his breed. I wolde that hell mighte get him.

They talked about ye wonderful defense which old Sr. Nicholas Throgmorton did make for himself before ye

judges in ye time of Mary; which was unlucky matter to broach, sith it fetched out ye queene with a Pity yt

he, having so much wit, had yet not enough to save his doter's maidenhedde sound for her marriagebed. And

ye queene did give ye damn'd Sr. Walter a look yt made hym wincefor she hath not forgot he was her own

lover it yt olde day. There was silent uncomfortableness now; 'twas not a good turn for talk to take, sith if ye

queene must find offense in a little harmless debauching, when pricks were stiff and cunts not loathe to take

ye stiffness out of them, who of this company was sinless; behold, was not ye wife of Master Shaxpur four

months gone with child when she stood uppe before ye altar? Was not her Grace of Bilgewater roger'd by

four lords before she had a husband? Was not ye little Lady Helen born on her mother's weddingday? And,

beholden were not ye Lady Alice and ye Lady Margery there, mouthing religion, whores from ye cradle?

In time came they to discourse of Cervantes, an of the new painter, Rubens, that is beginning to be heard of.

Fine words and daintywrought phrases from the ladies now, one or two of them being, in other days, pupils

of that poor ass, Lille, himself; and I marked how that Jonson and Shaxpur did fidget to discharge some

venom of sarcasm, yet dared they not in the presence, the queene's grace being ye very flower of ye

Euphuists herself. But behold, these be they yt, having a specialty, and admiring it in themselves, be jealous

when a neighbor doth essaye it, nor can abide it in them long. Wherefore 'twas observable yt ye queene

waxed uncontent; and in time labor'd grandiose speeche out of ye mouth of Lady Alice, who manifestly did

mightily pride herself thereon, did quite exhauste ye queene's endurance; who listened till ye gaudy speeche

was done, then lifted up her brows, and with vaste irony, mincing saith, O shit! Where at they alle did laffe,

Now was Sr. Walter minded of a tale he once did hear ye ingenious Marguerite of Navarre relate, about a

maid, which being like to suffer rape by an olde archbishoppe, did smartly contrive a device to save her

maidenhedde, and said to him, First, my lord, I prithee, take out thy holy tool and piss before me; which