Title: BOX AND COX
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Author: John Maddison Morton, Esq.
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BOX AND COX
John Maddison Morton, Esq.
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Table of Contents
BOX AND COX..................................................................................................................................................1
John Maddison Morton, Esq. ...................................................................................................................1
BOX AND COX
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BOX AND COX
John Maddison Morton, Esq.
BOX AND COX
A Romance of Real Life
in One Act.
Box Mr Buckstone Cox Mr Harley Mrs. Bouncer Mrs M'Namara
*******************************
Dramatis Personae
JOHN BOX, a Journeyman Printer
JAMES COX, a Journeyman Hatter
MRS. BOUNCER.
ACT I.
SCENE I A Room, decently furnished. At C., a bed with
curtains closed, at L. C., a door, at L, 3d E., a door, at L.
S. E., a chest of drawers, at back, R., a window, at R. 3d.
E., a door, at R. S. E. , a fireplace with mantlepiece, table
and chairs, a few common ornaments on the chimneypiece. COX,
dressed with the exception of his coat, is looking at himself
in a small lookingglass, which is in his hand.
Cox. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never
have my hair cut again! (His hair is very short.) I
look as if I had just been cropped for the militia!
And I was particularly emphatic in my instructions to
the hairdresser, only to cut the ends off. He must
have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind I
shan't meet anybody to care about so early. Eight
o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment to lose. Fate
has placed me with the most punctual, particular and
peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny.
(Knock at L. D.) Open locks, whoever knocks!
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Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L.
Mrs B. Good morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept
comfortably, Mr. Cox?
Cox. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to
you, if you could accommodate me with a more
protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one I have seems to
me to have about a handful and a half of feathers at
each end, and nothing whatever in the middle.
Mrs B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox.
Cox. Thank you. Then, perhaps, you'll be good enough to
hold this glass, while I finish my toilet.
Mrs B. Certainly. (Holding glass before COX, who ties his
cravat.) Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut.
Cox. Cut? It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind
of you to mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of
the absurdity of my personal appearance already. (Puts
his coat on.) Now for my hat. (Puts on his hat, which
comes over his eyes.) That's the effect of having
one's hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before.
Luckily I've got two or three more. (Goes in at L.,
and returns with three hats of different shapes, and
puts them on, one after the other all of which are
far too big for him.) This is pleasant! Never mind.
This one appears to me to wobble about rather less than
the others (Puts on hat.) and now I'm off! By the
bye, Mrs Bouncer, I wish to call your attention a fact
that has been evident to me for some time past and
that is, that my coals go remarkably fast
Mrs B. Lor, Mr. Cox!
Cox. It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer,
but I've lately observed a gradual and steady increase
of evaporation among my candles, wood, sugar and
lucifer matches.
Mrs B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me!
Cox. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly
to understand, that I don't believe it's the cat.
Mrs B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about,
sir?
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Cox. Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as
a dictionary?
Mrs B. No, sir.
Cox. Then I'll lend you one and if you turn to the letter
G. you'll find "Grumble, verb neuter to complain
without a cause." Now that's not my case, Mrs. B., and
now that we are upon the subject. I wish to know how
it is that I frequently find my apartment full of
smoke?
Mrs B. Why I suppose the chimney
Cox. The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of
tobacco smoke, Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, you're
not guilty of cheroots or Cubas?
Mrs B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox.
Cox. Nor partial to a pipe?
Mrs B. No, Sir.
Cox. Then, how is that
Mrs B. Why I suppose yes that must be it
Cox. At present I am entirely of your opinion because I
haven't the most distant particle of an idea what you
mean.
Mrs B. Why the gentleman who has got the attics, is hardly
ever without a pipe in his mouth and there he sits,
with his feet upon the mantlepiece
Cox. The mantlepiece! That strikes me as being a
considerable stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs.
B., or the gentleman's legs. I presume you mean the
fender or the hob.
Mrs B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well , there he sits
for hours, and puffs away into the fireplace.
Cox. Ah, then you mean to say, that this gentleman's smoke,
instead of emulating the example of all other sorts of
smoke, and going up the chimney, thinks proper to
affect a singularity by taking the contrary direction?
Mrs B. Why
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Cox. Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking of, is
the same individual that I invariably meet coming up
the stairs when I am going down, and going down the
stairs when I am coming up!
Mrs B. Why yes I
Cox. From the appearance of his outward man, I should
unhesitatingly set him down as a gentleman connected
with the printing interest.
Mrs B. Yes, sir and a very respectable young gentleman he
is.
Cox. Well, good morning, Mrs. Bouncer!
Mrs B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, sir?
Cox. Yes nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in
future, Mrs. B I'll do it myself. Don't forget the
bolster! (Going, stops.) A halfpenny worth of milk,
Mrs. Bouncer and be good enough to let it stand I
wish the cream to accumulate.
Exit at L.C.
Mrs B. He's gone at last! I declare I was all in a tremble
for fear Mr. Box would come in before Mr. Cox went out.
Luckily, they've never met yet and what's more,
they're not likely to do so; for Mr. Box is had at work
at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come home
till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all
day long, and doesn't come home till night; so that I'm
getting double rent for my room, and neither of my
lodgers is any the wiser for it. It was a capital idea
of mine that it was! But I haven't an instant to
lose. First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things out of
Mr. Box's way. (She takes the three hats, COX's
dressing gown and slippers, opens the door at L. and
puts them in, then shuts the door and locks it.) Now,
then, to put the key where Mr. Cox always finds it.
[Puts the key on the ledge of the door, L..] I really
must beg Mr. Box not to smoke so much. I was so
dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox
spoke about it. Now, then, to make the bed and don't
let me forget that what's the head of the bed for Mr.
Cox becomes the foot of the bed for Mr. Box people's
tastes do differ so. (Goes behind the curtains of the
bed, and seems to be making it then appears with a
very thin bolster in her hand.) The idea of Mr. Cox
presuming to complain of such a bolster as this! (She
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disappears again, behind curtains.)
Box. (Without.) Pooh pooh! Why don't you keep your own
side of the staircase, sir? (Enters at back, dressed
as a Printer. Puts his head out at door again,
shouting.) It was as much your fault as mine , sir! I
say, sir it was as much your fault as mine, sir!
Mrs B. (Emerging from behind the curtains of the bed.) Lor,
Mr. Box! what is the matter?
Box. Mind your own business, Bouncer!
Mrs B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in to be
sure! I declare you're quite pale in the face!
Box. What colour would you have a man to be, who has been
setting up long leaders for a daily paper all night?
Mrs B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself.
Box. (Looking significantly at MRS. BOUNCER..) So it seems!
Far be it from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements,
but I think it right to acquaint you with my immediate
intention of divesting myself of my garments, and going
to bed.
Mrs B. Oh, Mr. Box. (Going.)
Box. Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I
invariably encounter going down stairs when I'm coming
up, and coming up stairs when I'm going down?
Mrs B. (Confused.) Oh yes the gentleman in the attic,
sir.
Box. Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him,
except his hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats
white hats and black hats hats with broad brims, and
hats with narrow brims, hats with naps, and hats
without naps in short, I have come to the conclusion
that he must be individually and professionally
associated with the hatting interest.
Mrs B. Yes, sir. And by the bye, Mr. Box, he begged me to
request you, as a particular favour, that you would not
smoke quite so much.
Box. Does he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my
compliments, that if he objects to the effluvia of
tobacco, he had better domesticate himself in some
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adjoining parish.
Mrs B. Oh, Mr. Box! You surely wouldn't deprive me of a
lodger? (Pathetically.
Box. It would come to precisely the same thing, Bouncer,
because if I detect the slightest attempt to put my
pipe out, I at once give you warning that I shall give
you warning at once.
Mrs B. Well, Mr. Box do you want anything more of me?
Box. On the contrary I've had quite enough of you!
Mrs B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder?
Goes out at L.C.., slamming door after her.
Box. It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to
get rid of that venerable female! She knows I'm up all
night, and yet she seems to set her face against my
indulging in a horizontal position by day. Now, let me
see shall I take my nap before I swallow my
breakfast, or shall I take my breakfast before I
swallow my nap I mean, shall I swallow my nap before
no never mind! I've got a rasher of bacon
somewhere (Feeling in his pockets.) I've the most
distinct and vivid recollection of having purchased a
rasher of bacon Oh, here it is (Produces it,
wrapped in paper, and places it on table.) and a
penny roll. The next thing is to light the fire.
Where are my lucifers? (Looking on mantlepiece R.,
and taking box, opens it.) Now, 'pon my life, this is
too bad of Bouncer this is, by several degrees, too
bad! I had a whole box full, three days ago, and now
there's only one! I'm perfectly aware that she
purloins my coals and my candles and my sugar but I
did think oh, yes, I did think that my lucifers would
be sacred! (Takes candlestick off the mantlepiece,
R., in which there is a very small end of candle
looks at it.) Now I should like to ask any
unprejudiced person or persons their opinion touching
this candle. In the first place, a candle is an
article that I don't require because I'm only at home
in the day time and I bought this candle on the first
of May Chimneysweepers' Day calculating that it
would last me three months, and here's one week not
half over, and the candle three parts gone! (Lights
the fire takes down the gridiron, which is hanging
over the fireplace, R.) Mrs. Bouncer has been using my
gridiron! The last article of consumption that I
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cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is
powerfully impregnated with the odour of red herrings!
(Places gridiron on fire, and then, with fork, lays
rasher of bacon on the gridiron.) How sleepy I am, to
be sure! I'd indulge myself with a nap, if there was
anybody here to superintend the turning of my bacon.
(Yawning again.) Perhaps it will turn itself. I must
lie down so, here goes. [Lies on the bed, closing
the curtains round him after a short pause
Enter COX, hurriedly, L.C..
Cox. Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being
eleven minutes and a half behind time, I was sneaking
into the shop, in a state of considerable excitement,
when my venerable employer, with a smile of extreme
benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me "Cox,
I shan't want you today you can have a holiday."
Thoughts of "Gravesend and back fare, One Shilling,"
instantly suggested themselves, intermingled with
visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!" Then came the
Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats in short,
I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my
breakfast first that'll give me time to reflect.
I've bought a mutton chop, so I shan't want any dinner.
(Puts chop on table.) Good gracious! I forgot the
bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come
that's lucky! Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa
(seeing the luciferbox on table.) who presumes to
touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I left one
in it I'll take my oath I did. Hey dey! why, the
fire is lighted! Where's the gridiron? On the fire, I
declare! And what's that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is!
Well, now, 'pon my life, there's a quiet coolness about
Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing. She
takes my last lucifer my coals, and my gridiron to
cook her breakfast by! No, no I can't stand this!
Come out of that! (Pokes fork into bacon and puts it
on a plate on the table, then places his chop on the
gridiron, which he puts on the fire.) Now, then, for
my breakfast things. (Taking key hung up, L. opens door
L. and goes out, slamming the door after him, with a
loud noise.)
Box. (Suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains.)
Come in! if it's you Mrs. Bouncer you needn't be
afraid. I wonder how long I've been asleep? (Suddenly
recollecting.) Goodness gracious my bacon! (Leaps
off bed and runs to fireplace.) Holloa! what's this?
A chop! Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's I'll be bound
she thought to cook her breakfast while I was asleep
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with my coals, too and my gridiron! Ha, ha! But
where's my bacon? (Seeing it on table.) Here it is.
Well, 'pon my life, Bouncer's going it! And shall I
curb my indignation? Shall I falter in my vengeance?
No! (Digs the fork into the chop, opens window, throws
chop out shuts window again.) So much for Bouncer's
breakfast, and now for my own! (With the fork he puts
the bacon on the gridiron again.) I may as well lay my
breakfast things. (Goes to mantle piece at R., takes
key out of one of the ornaments, opens door at R. and
exit, slamming door after him.)
Cox. (Putting his head in quickly at L.) Come in come in!
(Opens door L. C. Enters with a small tray on which
are tea things, which he places on drawers, L. and
suddenly recollects.) Oh, goodness! my chop! (Running
to fireplace.) Holloa what's? The bacon again! Oh
pooh! Zounds confound it dash it damn it I
can't stand this! (Pokes fork into bacon, opens
window, and flings it out, shuts window again, returns
to drawers for tea things, and encounters BOX coming
from his cupboard with his tea things they walk down
C. of stage together.) Who are you, sir?
Box. If you come to that who are you?
Cox. What do you want here, sir?
Box. If you come to that what do you want?
Cox. (Aside.) It's the printer![Puts tea things on the draw
ers.
Box. (Aside.) It's the hatter! [Puts tea things on table.
Cox. Go to your attic, sir
Box. My attic, sir? Your attic, sir!
Cox. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury, if you
don't instantly leave my apartment.
Box. Your apartment? You mean my apartment, you
contemptible hatter, you.
Cox. Your apartment? Ha! ha! come, I like that! Look
here, sir (Produces a paper out of his pocket.) Mrs.
Bouncer's receipt for the last week's rent, sir
Box. (Produces a paper, and holds it close to COX's face.)
Ditto, sir!
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Cox. (Suddenly shouting.) Thieves!
Box. Murder!
Both. Mrs. Bouncer! [Each runs to the door, L. C., calling.
MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door L. C.
Mrs B. What is the matter? (COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by
the arm, and drag her forward.)
Box. Instantly remove that hatter!
Cox. Immediately turn out that printer!
Mrs B. Well but, gentlemen
Cox. Explain! [Pulling her round to him.
Box. Explain! (Pulling her round to him.) Whose room is
this?
Cox. Yes, woman whose room is this?
Box. Doesn't it belong to me?
Mrs B. No!
Cox. There! You hear, sir it belongs to me!
Mrs B. No it belongs to both of you! [Sobbing.
Both. Both of us?
Mrs B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry but you see, this
gentleman (Pointing to BOX.) only being at home in
the day time, and that gentleman (Pointing to COX.)
at night, I thought I might venture, until my little
back second floor room was ready
Both. (Eagerly.) When will your little back second floor
room be ready?
Mrs B. Why, tomorrow
Cox. I'll take it!
Box. So will I!
Mrs B. Excuse me but if you both take it, you may just as
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well stop where you are.
Both. True.
Cox. I spoke first, sir
Box. With all my heart, sir. The little back second floor
room is yours, sir now, go
Cox. Go? Pooh pooh!
Mrs B. Now, don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to
be a partition here
Both. Then, put it up!
Mrs B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this
very day. Now do keep your tempers.
Exit, L.
Cox. What a disgusting position![Walking rapidly round stag
e.
Box. (Sitting down on chair, at one side of table, and
following COX's movements.) Will you allow me to
observe, if you have not had any exercise today, you'd
better go out and take it.
Cox. I shall do nothing of the sort, sir.[Seating himself at
the table opposite BOX.
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent you from
going out.
Box. Don't flatter yourself, sir. (COX is about to break a
piece of the roll off.) Holloa! that's my roll, sir
(Snatches it away puts a pipe in his mouth, lights it
with a piece of tinder and puffs smoke across to
COX.)
Cox. Holloa! What are you about, sir?
Box. What am I about? I'm about to smoke.
Cox. Wheugh! [Goes and opens window at BOX's back.
Box. Hollo! (Turns round.) Put down that window, sir!
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Cox. Then put your pipe out, sir!
Box. There! [Puts pipe on table.
Cox. There! [Slams down window, and reseats himself.
Box. I shall retire to my pillow. (Goes up, takes off his
jacket, then goes towards the bed, and sits down upon
it, L. C.)
Cox. (Jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down R. of BOX.) I
beg your pardon, sir I cannot allow anyone to rumple
my bed. (Both rising.)
Box. Your bed? Hark ye, sir can you fight?
Cox. No, sir.
Box. No? Then come on
Cox. Sit down, sir or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!"
Box. (Seats himself. COX does the same.) I say, sir
Cox. Well, sir?
Box. Although we are doomed to share the same room for a few
hours longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting
each other's throats, sir.
Cox. Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly
object to.
Box. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir.
Cox. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir.
Box. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir.
Cox. Entirely, sir. [Gradually approaching chairs.
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. Very well, sir! (Pause.)
Box. Take a bit of roll, sir?
Cox. Thank ye, sir. (Breaking a bit off. Pause.)
Box. Do you sing, sir?
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Cox. I sometimes join in a chorus.
Box. Then give us a chorus. (Pause.) Have you seen the
Bosjemans, sir?
Cox. No, sir my wife wouldn't let me.
Box. Your wife!
Cox. That is my intended wife.
Box. Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you.
(Shaking hands.)
Cox. (With a deep sigh.) Thank ye. (Seeing BOX about to
get up.) You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't
come here.
Box. Oh, I understand. You've got a snug little
establishment of your own here on the sly cunning
dog (Nudging COX.)
Cox. (Drawing himself up.) No such thing, sir I repeat,
sir no such thing, sir, but my wife I mean, my
intended wife happens to be the proprietor of a
considerable number of bathing machines
Box. (Suddenly.) Ha! Where? (Grasping COX's arm.)
Cox. At a favourite wateringplace. How curious you are!
Box. Not at all. Well?
Cox. Consequently, in the bathing season which luckily is
rather a long one we see but little of each other;
but as that is now over, I am daily indulging in the
expectation of being blessed with the sight of my
beloved. (Very seriously.) Are you married?
Box. Me? Why not exactly!
Cox. Ah a happy bachelor!
Box. Why not precisely!
Cox. Oh! a widower?
Box. No not absolutely!
Cox. You'll excuse me, sir but, at present I don't exactly
understand how you can help being one of the three.
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Box. Not help it?
Cox. No, sir not you, nor any other man alive!
Box. Ah that may be but I'm not alive!
Cox. (Pushing back his chair.) You'll excuse me, sir but I
don't like joking upon such subjects.
Box. But I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for
the last three years!
Cox. (Shouting.) Will you be quiet, sir?
Box. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very
large, numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate
friends.
Cox. My dear sir my very dear sir if there does exist
any ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of
committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet stop
in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know it.
Box. Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being
frantically attached to your intended?
Cox. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware
of one obstacle to doting upon her, and that is, that I
can't abide her!
Box. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did.
Cox. (Eagerly.) I will! What was it?
Box. Drown yourself!
Cox. (Shouting.) Will you be quiet, sir?
Box. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to
captivate a affections of the still blooming, though
somewhat middleaged widow, at Ramsgate.
Cox. (Aside.) Singular enough! Just my case three months
ago at Margate.
Box. Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the
determination of enlisting in the Blues, or Life
Guards.
Cox. (Aside.) So did I. How very odd!
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Box. But they wouldn't have me they actually had the
effrontery to say that I was too short
Cox. (Aside.) And I wasn't tall enough!
Box. So I was obliged to content myself with a marching
regiment I enlisted!
Cox. (Aside.) So did I. Singular coincidence!
Box. I'd no sooner done so, than I was sorry for it.
Cox. (Aside.) So was I.
Box. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge,
on condition that I'd lead her to the alter.
Cox. (Aside.) Just my case!
Box. I hesitated at last I consented.
Cox. (Aside.) I consented at once!
Box. Well, sir the day fixed for the happy ceremony at
length drew near in fact, too near to be pleasant
so I suddenly discovered that I wasn't worthy to
possess her, and I told her so when, instead of being
flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a
tiger of the female gender I rejoined when suddenly
something whizzed past me, within an inch of my ear,
and shivered into a thousand fragments against the
mantlepiece it was the slopbasin. I retaliated
with a tea cup we parted, and the next morning I was
served with a notice of action for breach of promise.
Cox. Well, sir?
Box. Well, sir ruin stared me in the face the action
proceeded against me with gigantic strides I took a
desperate resolution I left my home early one
morning, with one suit of clothes on my back, and
another tied up in a bundle, under my arm I arrived
on the cliffs opened my bundle deposited the suit
of clothes on the very verge of the precipice took
one look into the yawning gulph beneath me, and walked
off in the opposite direction.
Cox. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception
of your meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared
the suit of clothes was found
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Box. Exactly and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the
waistcoat, or the pantaloons I forget which there
was also found a piece of paper, with these affecting
farewell words: "This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann!"
Cox. Penelope Ann! (Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and
leads him slowly to front of stage.) Penelope Ann?
Box. Penelope Ann!
Cox. Originally widow of William Wiggins?
Box. Widow of William Wiggins!
Cox. Proprietor of bathing machines?
Box. Proprietor of bathing machines!
Cox. At Margate?
Box. And Ramsgate!
Cox. It must be she! And you, sir you are Box the
lamented, long lost Box!
Box. I am!
Cox. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you
so cruelly deceived.
Box. Ha! then you are Cox?
Cox. I am!
Box. I heard of it. I congratulate you I give you joy!
And now, I think I'll go and take a stroll. [Going.
Cox. No, you don't! (Stopping him.) I'll not lose sight of
you till I've restored you to the arms of your
intended.
Box. My intended? You mean your intended.
Cox. No, sir yours!
Box. How can she be my intended, now that I'm drowned?
Cox. You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you
to Penelope Ann.
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Box. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended.
Cox. My intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to
her first!
Box. What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you
popped the question afterwards.
Cox. Very well, sir!
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit
me, then, to follow the generous impulse of my nature
I give her up to you.
Box. Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world!
(Going.) Good morning, sir!
Cox. (Seizing him.) Stop!
Box. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and
assume the lion!
Cox. Pooh! (Snapping his fingers close to BOX's face.)
Box. An insult! to my very face under my very nose!
(Rubbing it.) You know the consequences, sir instant
satisfaction, sir!
Cox. With all my heart, sir! (They go to the fireplace,
R., and begin ringing bells violently, and pull down
bellpulls.)
Both. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer!
MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C.
Mrs B. What is it, gentlemen?
Box. Pistols for two!
Mrs B. Yes, sir. [Going.
Cox. Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent
woman, that you keep loaded firearms in the house?
Mrs B. Oh, no they're not loaded
Cox. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly!
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 16
Page No 19
Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C.
Box. I say, sir!
Cox. Well, sir?
Box. What's your opinion of duelling, sir?
Cox. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir.
Box. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it
when the pistols are not loaded.
Cox. No: I dare say that does make a difference.
Box. And yet, sir on the other hand doesn't it strike
you as rather a waste of time, for two people to keep
firing pistols at another, with nothing in 'em?
Cox. No, sir no more than any other harmless recreation.
Box. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?
Cox. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her.
You'll be happy with her.
Box. Happy? Me! With the consciousness that I have
deprived you of such a treasure? No, no, Cox!
Cox. Don't think of me, Box I shall be sufficiently
rewarded by the knowledge of my Box's happiness.
Box. Don't be absurd, sir!
Cox. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir!
Box. I won't have her!
Cox. I won't have her!
Box. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady eh, Mr.
Cox?
Cox. That's fair enough Mr. Box.
Box. Or, what say you to dice?
Cox. With all my heart! Dice, by all means. [Eagerly.
Box. (Aside.) That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a
pair here yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 17
Page No 20
a throw for a trifle, and as he always throws sixes, I
suspect they are good ones.[Goes to the cupboard at R.,
and brings out the dicebox.
Cox. (Aside.) I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one
pound, seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, to
a very gentlemanly looking man, who had a most peculiar
knack of throwing sixes; I suspected they were loaded,
so I gave him another halfcrown, and he gave me the
dice.
Takes dice out of his pocket uses lucifer box as substitute
for dicebox, which is on table.
Box. Now then, sir!
Cox. I'm ready, sir! (They seat themselves at opposite
sides of the table.) Will you lead off, sir?
Box. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins
Penelope Ann?
Cox. Of course, sir.
Box. Very well, sir!
Cox. Very well, sir!
Box. (Rattling dice and throwing.) Sixes!
Cox. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. (Rattling dice
throws.) Sixes!
Box. That's a pretty good one of yours, sir. (Throws.)
Sixes!
Cox. (Throws.) Sixes!
Box. Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir.
Cox. Yours seem pretty good ones, sir.
Box. Suppose we change?
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 18
Page No 21
Cox. Very well, sir. [They change dice.
Box. (Throwing.) Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. Sixes!
Cox. Sixes!
Box. (Flings down the dice.) Pooh! It's perfectly absurd,
your going on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir!
Cox. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir!
Box. Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss
for Penelope Ann?
Cox. The very thing I was going to propose!
They each turn aside and take out a handful of money.
Box. (Aside, examining money.) Where's my tossing shilling?
Here it is! [Selecting coin.
Cox. (Aside, examining money.) Where's my lucky sixpence?
I've got it!
Box. Now then, sir heads win?
Cox. Or tails lose whichever you prefer.
Box. It's the same to me, sir.
Cox. Very well, sir. Heads, I win, tails, you lose.
Box. Yes (Suddenly.) no. Heads win, sir.
Cox. Very well go on![They are standing opposite each oth
er.
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
Box. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir?
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 19
Page No 22
Cox. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an
occasional tail, sir?
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
Box. Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me (Taking COX's
sixpence.) Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir!
Cox. (Seizing BOX's shilling.) And your shilling has got two
heads, sir!
Box. Cheat!
Cox. Swindler! [They are about to rush upon each other,
then retreat to some distance, and commence sparring,
and striking fiercely at one another.
Enter MRS. BOUNCER L. H. C.
Box. Cox. Is the little back second floor room ready?
Mrs B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I
have bought you a letter It came by the General Post
yesterday. I'm sure I don't know how I forgot it, for
I put it carefully in my pocket.
Cox. And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since?
Mrs B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir. (Going.) By
the bye, I paid twopence for it.
Cox. Did you? Then I do forgive you. (Exit MRS. BOUNCER.
Looking at letter.) "Margate." The postmark
decidedly says "Margate."
Box. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.
Cox. Then read it, sir. (Handing letter to BOX.)
Box. Me, sir?
Cox. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a
letter from your intended?
Box. My intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you C.O.X.
Cox. Do you think that's a C.? It looks like a B.!
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 20
Page No 23
Box. Nonsense! Fracture the seal!
Cox. (Opens letter starts.) Goodness gracious!
Box. (Snatches letter starts.) Gracious, goodness!
Cox. (Taking letter again.) "Margate May the 4th. Sir,
I hasten to convey to you the intelligence of a
melancholy accident, which has bereft you of your
intended wife. He means your intended!
Box. No, yours! However, it's perfectly immaterial but
she unquestionably was yours.
Cox. How can that be? You proposed to her first!
Box. Yes, but then you now don't let us begin again Go
on.
Cox. (Resuming letter.) "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a
short excursion in a sailing boat a sudden and
violent squall soon after took place, which it is
supposed, upset her, as she was found, two days
afterwards, keel upwards."
Box. Poor woman!
Cox. The boat, sir! (Reading.) "As her man of business, I
immediately proceeded to examine her papers, amongst
which I soon discovered her will; the following extract
from which will, I have no doubt, be satisfactory to
you. 'I hereby bequeath my entire property to my
intended husband.'" Excellent, but unhappy creature!
(Affected.)
Box. Generous, illfated being! (Affected.)
Cox. And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!
Box. When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the
hazard of a die!
Cox. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for
your sympathy.
Box. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she
had been your own intended!
Cox. If she'd been my own intended? She was my own
intended!
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 21
Page No 24
Box. Your intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very
properly observe just now, sir, that I proposed to her
first?
Cox. To which you very sensibly replied that you'd come to
an untimely end.
Box. I deny it!
Cox. I say you have!
Box. The fortune's mine!
Cox. Mine!
Box. I'll have it!
Cox. So will I!
Box. I'll go to law!
Cox. So will I!
Box. Stop a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law
about the property, suppose we divide it?
Cox. Equally?
Box. Equally. I'll take two thirds.
Cox. That's fair enough and I'll take three fourths.
Box. That won't do. Half and half!
Cox. Agreed! There's my hand upon it
Box. And mine. (About to shake hands a Postman's knock
heard at street door.)
Cox. Holloa! Postman again!
Box. Postman yesterday postman today.
Enter MRS. BOUNCER.
Mrs B. Another letter, Mr. Cox twopence more!
Cox. I forgive you again! (Taking letter.) Another trifle
from Margate. (Opens the letter starts.) Goodness
gracious!
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 22
Page No 25
Box. (Snatching letter starts.) Gracious goodness!
Cox. (Snatching letter again reads.) "Happy to inform you
false alarm"
Box. (Overlooking.) "Sudden squall boat upset Mrs.
Wiggins your intended"
Cox. "Picked up by a steamboat"
Box. "Carried into Boulogne"
Cox. "Returned here this morning"
Box. "Will start by early train, tomorrow"
Cox. "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact."
Both simultaneously pull out their watches.
Box. Cox, I congratulate you
Cox. Box, I give you joy!
Box. I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial
Office will prevent my witnessing the truly happy
meeting between you and your intended. Good morning![
Going.
Cox. (Stopping him.) It's obviously for me to retire Not
for worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting
between you and your intended. Good morning!
Box. You'll excuse me, sir but our last arrangement was,
that she was your intended.
Cox. No, yours!
Box. Yours!
Together. Yours!
[Ten o'clock strikes noise of an omnibus.
Box. Ha! What's that? A cab's drawn up at the door!
(Running to the window.) No it's a twopenny omnibus!
Cox. (Leaning over BOX's shoulder.) A lady's got out
Box. There's no mistaking that majestic person it's
Penelope Ann!
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 23
Page No 26
Cox. Your intended!
Box. Yours!
Cox. Yours! (Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen.)
Box. Hark she's coming up stairs!
Cox. Shut the door!
They slam the door, and both lean up against it with their
backs.
Mrs B. (Without, and knocking.) Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox!
Cox. (Shouting.) I've just stepped out!
Box. So have I!
Mrs B. Mr. Cox. (Pushing at the door COX and BOX redouble
their efforts to keep the door shut.) Open the door.
It's only me Mrs. Bouncer!
Cox. Only you? Then where's the lady?
Mrs B. Gone!
Cox. Upon your honour?
Box. As a gentleman?
Mrs B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox.
Cox. Give it to me!
Mrs B. Then open the door!
Cox. Put it under! (Letter is put under the door; COX
picks up the letter and opens it.) Goodness gracious!
Box. (Snatching letter.) Gracious goodness! (COX snatches
the letter, and runs forward, followed by BOX.)
Cox. (Reading.) "Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candour"
Box. (Looking over and reading.) "But being convinced that
our feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate"
Cox. "I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union"
Box. "With Mr. Knox."
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 24
Page No 27
Cox. Huzza!
Box. Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha!
Tosses letter in the air, and begins dancing. Cox does the
same.
Mrs B. (Putting her head in at door.) The little second
floor back room is ready!
Cox. I don't want it!
Box. No more do I!
Cox. What shall part us?
Box. What shall tear us asunder?
Cox. Box!
Box. Cox! (About to embrace BOX stops, seizes COX's hand,
and looks eagerly in his face.) You'll excuse the
apparent insanity of the remark, but the more I gaze on
your features, the more I'm convinced that you're my
long lost brother.
Cox. The very observation I was going to make to you!
Box. Ah tell me in mercy tell me have you such a thing
as a strawberry mark on your left arm?
Cox. No!
Box. Then it is he! [They rush into each other's arms.
Cox. Of course we stop where we are!
Box. Of course!
Cox. For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to this
house.
Box. So am I I begin to feel quite at home in it.
Cox. Everything so clean and comfortable
Box. And I'm sure the mistress of it, from what I have seen
of her, is very anxious to please.
Cox. So she is and I vote, Box, that we stick by her.
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 25
Page No 28
Box. Agreed! There's my hand upon it join but your's
agree the house is big enough to hold us both. Then
Box
Cox. And Cox
Both. Are satisfied! [The Curtain falls.
BOX AND COX
BOX AND COX 26
Bookmarks
1. Table of Contents, page = 3
2. BOX AND COX, page = 4
3. John Maddison Morton, Esq., page = 4