Candide................................................................................................................................................................1

Voltaire....................................................................................................................................................1

In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baron of Thundertentronckh, lived a youth

whom Nature had endowed with a most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He had a

solid judgment joined to the most unaffected simplicity; and hence, I presume, he had his name of Candide.

The old servants of the house suspected him to have been the son of the Baron's sister, by a very good sort of

a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more

than threescore and eleven quarterings in his arms; the rest of the genealogical tree belonging to the family

The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not only a gate, but even

windows, and his great hall was hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels instead of

greyhounds; his groom served him for huntsman; and the parson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner.

He was called "My Lord" by all his people, and he never told a story but everyone laughed at it.

My Lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds, consequently was a person of no small

consideration; and then she did the honors of the house with a dignity that commanded universal respect. Her

daughter was about seventeen years of age, freshcolored, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron's son

seemed to be a youth in every respect worthy of the father he sprung from. Pangloss, the preceptor, was the

oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and

Master Pangloss taught the metaphysicotheologocosmolonigology. He could prove to admiration that there

is no effect without a cause; and, that in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most

"It is demonstrable", said he, "that things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for as all things have been

created for some end, they must necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the nose is

formed for spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs are visibly designed for stockings, accordingly

we wear stockings. Stones were made to be hewn and to construct castles, therefore My Lord has a

magnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Swine were intended to

be eaten, therefore we eat pork all the year round: and they, who assert that everything is right, do not express

Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thought Miss Cunegonde excessively handsome,

though he never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being Baron of

Thundertentronckh, the next was that of being Miss Cunegonde, the next that of seeing her every day, and

the last that of hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and

One day when Miss Cunegonde went to take a walk in a little neighboring wood which was called a park, she

saw, through the bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental philosophy to her

mother's chambermaid, a little brown wench, very pretty, and very tractable. As Miss Cunegonde had a great

disposition for the sciences, she observed with the utmost attention the experiments which were repeated

before her eyes; she perfectly well understood the force of the doctor's reasoning upon causes and effects. She

retired greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge, imagining that she might be a

On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good

morning in a flattering tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The next day, as they were

rising from dinner, Cunegonde and Candide slipped behind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief,

the young man picked it up. She innocently took hold of his hand, and he as innocently kissed hers with a

warmth, a sensibility, a graceall very particular; their lips met; their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled;

their hands strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect, and, without hesitation,

saluted Candide with some notable kicks on the breech and drove him out of doors. The lovely Miss

Cunegonde fainted away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears. Thus a general

consternation was spread over this most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.

Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a long time without knowing where he went;

sometimes he raised his eyes, all bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a melancholy

look towards the magnificent castle, where dwelt the fairest of young baronesses. He laid himself down to

sleep in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in great flakes, and, in the morning when he

awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, he made shift to crawl to the next town, which was called

Waldberghofftrarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead with hunger and fatigue. He

took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had not been long there before two men dressed in blue fixed their

"Faith, comrade", said one of them to the other, "yonder is a well made young fellow and of the right size."

Upon which they made up to Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dine with

"Gentlemen", replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, you do me much honor, but upon my word I

"Money, sir!" said one of the blues to him, "young persons of your appearance and merit never pay anything;

"Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay your reckoning, but will never suffer such a

"You are perfectly right, gentlemen", said Candide, "this is precisely the doctrine of Master Pangloss; and I

His generous companions next entreated him to accept of a few crowns, which he readily complied with, at

the same time offering them his note for the payment, which they refused, and sat down to table.

"Maybe so", replied one of the blues, "but that is not the question! We ask you whether you have not a great

"For the King of the Bulgarians?" said Candide. "Oh, Lord! not at all, why I never saw him in my life."

"Is it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must drink his health."

"Bravo!" cried the blues; "you are now the support, the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune is

So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to the regiment. There he was made to wheel about to

the right, to the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they gave him

thirty blows with a cane; the next day he performed his exercise a little better, and they gave him but twenty;

the day following he came off with ten, and was looked upon as a young fellow of surprising genius by all his

Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul of him conceive how he came to be a hero.

One fine spring morning, he took it into his head to take a walk, and he marched straight forward, conceiving

it to be a privilege of the human species, as well as of the brute creation, to make use of their legs how and

when they pleased. He had not gone above two leagues when he was overtaken by four other heroes, six feet

high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him to a dungeon. A courtmartial sat upon him, and he was

asked which he liked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through the whole regiment, or to have his

In vain did he remonstrate to them that the human will is free, and that he chose neither; they obliged him to

make a choice, and he determined, in virtue of that divine gift called free will, to run the gauntlet six and

He had gone through his discipline twice, and the regiment being composed of 2,000 men, they composed for

him exactly 4,000 strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from the nape of his neck to his stern.

As they were preparing to make him set out the third time our young hero, unable to support it any longer,

begged as a favor that they would be so obliging as to shoot him through the head; the favor being granted, a

At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass by made a stop, and inquired into the

delinquent's crime, and being a prince of great penetration, he found, from what he heard of Candide, that he

was a young metaphysician, entirely ignorant of the world; and therefore, out of his great clemency, he

condescended to pardon him, for which his name will be celebrated in every journal, and in every age. A

skillful surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three weeks by means of emollient unguents

prescribed by Dioscorides. His sores were now skimmed over and he was able to march, when the King of

Never was anything so gallant, so well accoutred, so brilliant, and so finely disposed as the two armies. The

trumpets, fifes, hautboys, drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hell itself. The

entertainment began by a discharge of cannon, which, in the twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on

each side. The musket bullets swept away, out of the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten thousand

scoundrels that infested its surface. The bayonet was next the sufficient reason of the deaths of several

thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher, and

At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums to be sung in their camps, Candide took a resolution

to go and reason somewhere else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying men, the

first place he came to was a neighboring village, in the Abarian territories, which had been burned to the

ground by the Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of old men covered with wounds,

who beheld their wives dying with their throats cut, and hugging their children to their breasts, all stained

with blood. There several young virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open, after they had satisfied the

natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes, breathed their last; while others, halfburned in the flames,

begged to be dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered with the brains, arms, and legs

Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found

the heroic Abares had enacted the same tragedy. Thence continuing to walk over palpitating limbs, or through

ruined buildings, at length he arrived beyond the theater of war, with a little provision in his budget, and Miss

Cunegonde's image in his heart. When he arrived in Holland his provision failed him; but having heard that

the inhabitants of that country were all rich and Christians, he made himself sure of being treated by them in

the same manner as the Baron's castle, before he had been driven thence through the power of Miss

He asked charity of several gravelooking people, who one and all answered him, that if he continued to

follow this trade they would have him sent to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get his

He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole

hour on the subject of charity. The orator, squinting at him under his broadbrimmed hat, asked him sternly,

"Sir", said Candide, in a submissive manner, "I conceive there can be no effect without a cause; everything is

necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished from the

presence of Miss Cunegonde; that I should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my

"Truly, I never heard anything about it", said Candide, "but whether he is or not, I am in want of something to

"Thou deservest not to eat or to drink", replied the orator, "wretch, monster, that thou art! hence! avoid my

The orator's wife happened to put her head out of the window at that instant, when, seeing a man who

doubted whether the Pope was Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a utensil full of water. Good heavens,

A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist named James, was witness to the cruel and

ignominious treatment showed to one of his brethren, to a rational, twofooted, unfledged being. Moved with

pity he carried him to his own house, caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a

present of two florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks,

Candide, penetrated with so much goodness, threw himself at his feet, crying, "Now I am convinced that my

Master Pangloss told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I am infinitely

more affected with your extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black

The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head,

the end of his nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and

coughing most violently, and every time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.

Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way to the former, bestowed on this shocking

figure the two florins which the honest Anabaptist, James, had just before given to him. The specter looked at

him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back aghast.

"What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in this piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has

befallen you? What has made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of all castles? What has become

"Oh, Lord!" cried Pangloss, "I am so weak I cannot stand", upon which Candide instantly led him to the

As soon as Pangloss had a little refreshed himself, Candide began to repeat his inquiries concerning Miss

"Dead!" cried Candide, and immediately fainted away; his friend restored him by the help of a little bad

Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: "Dead! is Miss Cunegonde dead? Ah, where is the best of

worlds now? But of what illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father kick me out of his

"No", replied Pangloss, "her body was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers, after they had subjected her to

as much cruelty as a damsel could survive; they knocked the Baron, her father, on the head for attempting to

defend her; My Lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his

sister; and as for the castle, they have not left one stone upon another; they have destroyed all the ducks, and

sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we have had our revenge, for the Abares have done the very same thing in

At hearing this, Candide fainted away a second time, but, not withstanding, having come to himself again, he

said all that it became him to say; he inquired into the cause and effect, as well as into the sufficing reason

"Alas", replied the preceptor, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human species; love, the preserver of the

"Alas", cried Candide, "I have had some knowledge of love myself, this sovereign of hearts, this soul of

souls; yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. But how could this beautiful

"O my dear Candide, you must remember Pacquette, that pretty wench, who waited on our noble Baroness; in

her arms I tasted the pleasures of Paradise, which produced these Hell torments with which you see me

devoured. She was infected with an ailment, and perhaps has since died of it; she received this present of a

learned Franciscan, who derived it from the fountainhead; he was indebted for it to an old countess, who had

it of a captain of horse, who had it of a marchioness, who had it of a page, the page had it of a Jesuit, who,

during his novitiate, had it in a direct line from one of the fellow adventurers of Christopher Columbus; for

"O sage Pangloss", cried Candide, "what a strange genealogy is this! Is not the devil the root of it?"

"Not at all", replied the great man, "it was a thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient in the best of worlds;

for if Columbus had not caught in an island in America this disease, which contaminates the source of

generation, and frequently impedes propagation itself, and is evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we

should have had neither chocolate nor cochineal. It is also to be observed, that, even to the present time, in

this continent of ours, this malady, like our religious controversies, is peculiar to ourselves. The Turks, the

Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, and the Japanese are entirely unacquainted with it; but there

is a sufficing reason for them to know it in a few centuries. In the meantime, it is making prodigious havoc

among us, especially in those armies composed of well disciplined hirelings, who determine the fate of

nations; for we may safely affirm, that, when an army of thirty thousand men engages another equal in size,

"Lord help me, how can I?" said Pangloss. "My dear friend, I have not a penny in the world; and you know

This last speech had its effect on Candide; he flew to the charitable Anabaptist, James; he flung himself at his

feet, and gave him so striking a picture of the miserable condition of his friend that the good man without any

further hesitation agreed to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and to pay for his cure. The cure was effected

with only the loss of one eye and an ear. As be wrote a good hand, and understood accounts tolerably well,

the Anabaptist made him his bookkeeper. At the expiration of two months, being obliged by some mercantile

affairs to go to Lisbon he took the two philosophers with him in the same ship; Pangloss, during the course of

the voyage, explained to him how everything was so constituted that it could not be better. James did not

"Men", said he "must, in some things, have deviated from their original innocence; for they were not born

wolves, and yet they worry one another like those beasts of prey. God never gave them twentyfour pounders

nor bayonets, and yet they have made cannon and bayonets to destroy one another. To this account I might

add not only bankruptcies, but the law which seizes on the effects of bankrupts, only to cheat the creditors."

"All this was indispensably necessary", replied the oneeyed doctor, "for private misfortunes are public

benefits; so that the more private misfortunes there are, the greater is the general good."

While he was arguing in this manner, the sky was overcast, the winds blew from the four quarters of the

compass, and the ship was assailed by a most terrible tempest, within sight of the port of Lisbon.

One half of the passengers, weakened and halfdead with the inconceivable anxiety and sickness which the

rolling of a vessel at sea occasions through the whole human frame, were lost to all sense of the danger that

surrounded them. The others made loud outcries, or betook themselves to their prayers; the sails were blown

into shreds, and the masts were brought by the board. The vessel was a total wreck. Everyone was busily

employed, but nobody could be either heard or obeyed. The Anabaptist, being upon deck, lent a helping hand

as well as the rest, when a brutish sailor gave him a blow and laid him speechless; but, not withstanding, with

the violence of the blow the tar himself tumbled headforemost overboard, and fell upon a piece of the broken

Honest James, forgetting the injury he had so lately received from him, flew to his assistance, and, with great

difficulty, hauled him in again, but, not withstanding, in the attempt, was, by a sudden jerk of the ship,

thrown overboard himself, in sight of the very fellow whom he had risked his life to save and who took not

the least notice of him in this distress. Candide, who beheld all that passed and saw his benefactor one

moment rising above water, and the next swallowed up by the merciless waves, was preparing to jump after

him, but was prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to him that the roadstead of Lisbon

had been made on purpose for the Anabaptist to be drowned there. While he was proving his argument a

priori, the ship foundered, and the whole crew perished, except Pangloss, Candide, and the sailor who had

been the means of drowning the good Anabaptist. The villain swam ashore; but Pangloss and Candide

As soon as they had recovered from their surprise and fatigue they walked towards Lisbon; with what little

money they had left they thought to save themselves from starving after having escaped drowning.

Scarcely had they ceased to lament the loss of their benefactor and set foot in the city, when they perceived

that the earth trembled under their feet, and the sea, swelling and foaming in the harbor, was dashing in

pieces the vessels that were riding at anchor. Large sheets of flames and cinders covered the streets and

public places; the houses tottered, and were tumbled topsyturvy even to their foundations, which were

themselves destroyed, and thirty thousand inhabitants of both sexes, young and old, were buried beneath the

The sailor, whistling and swearing, cried, "Damn it, there's something to be got here."

The sailor, defying death in the pursuit of plunder, rushed into the midst of the ruin, where he found some

money, with which he got drunk, and, after he had slept himself sober he purchased the favors of the first

goodnatured wench that came in his way, amidst the ruins of demolished houses and the groans of

Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. "Friend", said he, "this is not right, you trespass against the universal

"Death and zounds!" answered the other, "I am a sailor and was born at Batavia, and have trampled four

times upon the crucifix in as many voyages to Japan; you have come to a good hand with your universal

In the meantime, Candide, who had been wounded by some pieces of stone that fell from the houses, lay

"For God's sake", said he to Pangloss, "get me a little wine and oil! I am dying."

"This concussion of the earth is no new thing", said Pangloss, "the city of Lima in South America

experienced the same last year; the same cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur all the

"Nothing is more probable", said Candide; "but for the love of God a little oil and wine."

"Probable!" replied the philosopher, "I maintain that the thing is demonstrable."

Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water from a neighboring spring. The next day, in

searching among the ruins, they found some eatables with which they repaired their exhausted strength. After

this they assisted the inhabitants in relieving the distressed and wounded. Some, whom they had humanely

assisted, gave them as good a dinner as could be expected under such terrible circumstances. The repast,

indeed, was mournful, and the company moistened their bread with their tears; but Pangloss endeavored to

comfort them under this affliction by affirming that things could not be otherwise that they were.

"For", said he, "all this is for the very best end, for if there is a volcano at Lisbon it could be in no other spot;

and it is impossible but things should be as they are, for everything is for the best."

By the side of the preceptor sat a little man dressed in black, who was one of the familiars of the Inquisition.

This person, taking him up with great complaisance, said, "Possibly, my good sir, you do not believe in

original sin; for, if everything is best, there could have been no such thing as the fall or punishment of man."

Your Excellency will pardon me", answered Pangloss, still more politely; "for the fall of man and the curse

consequent thereupon necessarily entered into the system of the best of worlds."

"That is as much as to say, sir", rejoined the familiar, "you do not believe in free will."

"Your Excellency will be so good as to excuse me", said Pangloss, "free will is consistent with absolute

Pangloss was in the midst of his proposition, when the familiar beckoned to his attendant to help him to a

After the earthquake, which had destroyed threefourths of the city of Lisbon, the sages of that country could

think of no means more effectual to preserve the kingdom from utter ruin than to entertain the people with an

autodafe, it having been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the burning of a few people alive by a

In consequence thereof they had seized on a Biscayan for marrying his godmother, and on two Portuguese for

taking out the bacon of a larded pullet they were eating; after dinner they came and secured Dr. Pangloss, and

his pupil Candide, the one for speaking his mind, and the other for seeming to approve what he had said.

They were conducted to separate apartments, extremely cool, where they were never incommoded with the

sun. Eight days afterwards they were each dressed in a sanbenito, and their heads were adorned with paper

mitres. The mitre and sanbenito worn by Candide were painted with flames reversed and with devils that had

neither tails nor claws; but Dr. Pangloss's devils had both tails and claws, and his flames were upright. In

these habits they marched in procession, and heard a very pathetic sermon, which was followed by an

anthem, accompanied by bagpipes. Candide was flogged to some tune, while the anthem was being sung; the

Biscayan and the two men who would not eat bacon were burned, and Pangloss was hanged, which is not a

common custom at these solemnities. The same day there was another earthquake, which made most dreadful

Candide, amazed, terrified, confounded, astonished, all bloody, and trembling from head to foot, said to

himself, "If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others? If I had only been whipped, I could

have put up with it, as I did among the Bulgarians; but, not withstanding, oh my dear Pangloss! my beloved

master! thou greatest of philosophers! that ever I should live to see thee hanged, without knowing for what! O

my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that it should be thy fate to be drowned in the very harbor! O Miss

Cunegonde, you mirror of young ladies! that it should be your fate to have your body ripped open!"

He was making the best of his way from the place where he had been preached to, whipped, absolved and

blessed, when he was accosted by an old woman, who said to him, "Take courage, child, and follow me."

Candide followed the old woman, though without taking courage, to a decayed house, where she gave him a

pot of pomatum to anoint his sores, showed him a very neat bed, with a suit of clothes hanging by it; and set

"There", said she, "eat, drink, and sleep, and may Our Lady of Atocha, and the great St. Anthony of Padua,

and the illustrious St. James of Compostella, take you under their protection. I shall be back tomorrow."

Candide, struck with amazement at what he had seen, at what he had suffered, and still more with the charity

"It is not my hand you ought to kiss", said the old woman. "I shall be back tomorrow. Anoint your back, eat,

Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The next morning, the old woman brought him his

breakfast; examined his back, and rubbed it herself with another ointment. She returned at the proper time,

and brought him his dinner; and at night, she visited him again with his supper. The next day she observed

"Who are you?" said Candide to her. "Who has inspired you with so much goodness? What return can I make

The good old beldame kept a profound silence. In the evening she returned, but without his supper.

She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of a mile into the country, till they came to a

lonely house surrounded with moats and gardens. The old conductress knocked at a little door, which was

immediately opened, and she showed him up a pair of back stairs, into a small, but richly furnished

apartment. There she made him sit down on a brocaded sofa, shut the door upon him, and left him. Candide

thought himself in a trance; he looked upon his whole life, hitherto, as a frightful dream, and the present

The old woman soon returned, supporting, with great difficulty, a young lady, who appeared scarce able to

stand. She was of a majestic mien and stature, her dress was rich, and glittering with diamonds, and her face

The young man approached, and, with a trembling hand, took off her veil. What a happy moment! What

surprise! He thought he beheld Miss Cunegonde; he did behold her it was she herself. His strength failed

him, he could not utter a word, he fell at her feet. Cunegonde fainted upon the sofa. The old woman bedewed

them with spirits; they recoveredthey began to speak. At first they could express themselves only in broken

accents; their questions and answers were alternately interrupted with sighs, tears, and exclamations. The old

woman desired them to make less noise, and after this prudent admonition left them together.

"Good heavens!" cried Candide, "is it you? Is it Miss Cunegonde I behold, and alive? Do I find you again in

Portugal? then you have not been ravished? they did not rip open your body, as the philosopher Pangloss

"Indeed but they did", replied Miss Cunegonde; "but these two accidents do not always prove mortal."

"And how came you into Portugal? And how did you know of my being here? And by what strange

"I will tell you all", replied the lady, "but first you must acquaint me with all that has befallen you since the

innocent kiss you gave me, and the rude kicking you received in consequence of it."

Candide, with the greatest submission, prepared to obey the commands of his fair mistress; and though he

was still filled with amazement, though his voice was low and tremulous, though his back pained him, yet he

gave her a most ingenuous account of everything that had befallen him, since the moment of their separation.

Cunegonde, with her eyes uplifted to heaven, shed tears when he related the death of the good Anabaptist,

James, and of Pangloss; after which she thus related her adventures to Candide, who lost not one syllable she

I was in bed, and fast asleep, when it pleased Heaven to send the Bulgarians to our delightful castle of

Thundertentronckh, where they murdered my father and brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall

Bulgarian soldier, six feet high, perceiving that I had fainted away at this sight, attempted to ravish me; the

operation brought me to my senses. I cried, I struggled, I bit, I scratched, I would have torn the tall

Bulgarian's eyes out, not knowing that what had happened at my father's castle was a customary thing. The

brutal soldier, enraged at my resistance, gave me a wound in my left leg with his hanger, the mark of which I

She continued. "A Bulgarian captain came in, and saw me weltering in my blood, and the soldier still as busy

as if no one had been present. The officer, enraged at the fellow's want of respect to him, killed him with one

stroke of his sabre as he lay upon me. This captain took care of me, had me cured, and carried me as a

prisoner of war to his quarters. I washed what little linen he possessed, and cooked his victuals: he was very

fond of me, that was certain; neither can I deny that he was well made, and had a soft, white skin, but he was

very stupid, and knew nothing of philosophy: it might plainly be perceived that he had not been educated

under Dr. Pangloss. In three months, having gambled away all his money, and having grown tired of me, he

sold me to a Jew, named Don Issachar, who traded in Holland and Portugal, and was passionately fond of

women. This Jew showed me great kindness, in hopes of gaining my favors; but he never could prevail on me

to yield. A modest woman may be once ravished; but her virtue is greatly strengthened thereby. In order to

make sure of me, he brought me to this country house you now see. I had hitherto believed that nothing could

equal the beauty of the castle of Thundertentronckh; but I found I was mistaken.

"The Grand Inquisitor saw me one day at Mass, ogled me all the time of service, and when it was over, sent

to let me know he wanted to speak with me about some private business. I was conducted to his palace,

where I told him all my story; he represented to me how much it was beneath a person of my birth to belong

to a circumcised Israelite. He caused a proposal to be made to Don Issachar, that he should resign me to His

Lordship. Don Issachar, being the court banker and a man of credit, was not easy to be prevailed upon. His

Lordship threatened him with an autodafe; in short, my Jew was frightened into a compromise, and it was

agreed between them, that the house and myself should belong to both in common; that the Jew should have

Monday, Wednesday, and the Sabbath to himself; and the Inquisitor the other four days of the week. This

agreement has subsisted almost six months; but not without several contests, whether the space from

Saturday night to Sunday morning belonged to the old or the new law. For my part, I have hitherto withstood

them both, and truly I believe this is the very reason why they are both so fond of me.

"At length to turn aside the scourge of earthquakes, and to intimidate Don Issachar, My Lord Inquisitor was

pleased to celebrate an autodafe. He did me the honor to invite me to the ceremony. I had a very good seat;

and refreshments of all kinds were offered the ladies between Mass and the execution. I was dreadfully

shocked at the burning of the two Jews, and the honest Biscayan who married his godmother; but how great

was my surprise, my consternation, and concern, when I beheld a figure so like Pangloss, dressed in a

sanbenito and mitre! I rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively. I saw him hanged, and I fainted away:

scarce had I recovered my senses, when I saw you stripped of clothing; this was the height of horror, grief,

and despair. I must confess to you for a truth, that your skin is whiter and more blooming than that of the

Bulgarian captain. This spectacle worked me up to a pitch of distraction. I screamed out, and would have

said, 'Hold, barbarians!' but my voice failed me; and indeed my cries would have signified nothing. After you

had been severely whipped, I said to myself, 'How is it possible that the lovely Candide and the sage Pangloss

should be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred lashes, and the other to be hanged by order of My Lord

Inquisitor, of whom I am so great a favorite? Pangloss deceived me most cruelly, in saying that everything is

"Thus agitated and perplexed, now distracted and lost, now half dead with grief, I revolved in my mind the

murder of my father, mother, and brother, committed before my eyes; the insolence of the rascally Bulgarian

soldier; the wound he gave me in the groin; my servitude; my being a cookwench to my Bulgarian captain;

my subjection to the hateful Jew, and my cruel Inquisitor; the hanging of Doctor Pangloss; the Miserere sung

while you were being whipped; and particularly the kiss I gave you behind the screen, the last day I ever

beheld you. I returned thanks to God for having brought you to the place where I was, after so many trials. I

charged the old woman who attends me to bring you hither as soon as was convenient. She has punctually

executed my orders, and I now enjoy the inexpressible satisfaction of seeing you, hearing you, and speaking

to you. But you must certainly be halfdead with hunger; I myself have a great inclination to eat, and so let

Upon this the two lovers immediately placed themselves at table, and, after having supped, they returned to

seat themselves again on the magnificent sofa already mentioned, where they were in amorous dalliance,

when Senor Don Issachar, one of the masters of the house, entered unexpectedly; it was the Sabbath day, and

he came to enjoy his privilege, and sigh forth his passion at the feet of the fair Cunegonde.

This same Issachar was the most choleric little Hebrew that had ever been in Israel since the captivity of

"What", said he, "thou Galilean slut? The Inquisitor was not enough for thee, but this rascal must come in for

In uttering these words, he drew out a long poniard, which he always carried about him, and never dreaming

that his adversary had any arms, he attacked him most furiously; but our honest Westphalian had received

from the old woman a handsome sword with the suit of clothes. Candide drew his rapier, and though he was

very gentle and sweettempered, he laid the Israelite dead on the floor at the fair Cunegonde's feet.

"Holy Virgin!" cried she, "what will become of us? A man killed in my apartment! If the peaceofficers

"Had not Pangloss been hanged", replied Candide, "he would have given us most excellent advice, in this

emergency; for he was a profound philosopher. But, since he is not here, let us consult the old woman."

She was very sensible, and was beginning to give her advice, when another door opened on a sudden. It was

now one o'clock in the morning, and of course the beginning of Sunday, which, by agreement, fell to the lot

of My Lord Inquisitor. Entering he discovered the flagellated Candide with his drawn sword in his hand, a

dead body stretched on the floor, Cunegonde frightened out of her wits, and the old woman giving advice.

At that very moment, a sudden thought came into Candide's head. "If this holy man", thought he, "should call

assistance, I shall most undoubtedly be consigned to the flames, and Miss Cunegonde may perhaps meet with

no better treatment: besides, he was the cause of my being so cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and as I have

now begun to dip my hands in blood, I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate."

This whole train of reasoning was clear and instantaneous; so that, without giving time to the Inquisitor to

recover from his surprise, he ran him through the body, and laid him by the side of the Jew.

"Here's another fine piece of work!" cried Cunegonde. "Now there can be no mercy for us, we are

excommunicated; our last hour is come. But how could you, who are of so mild a temper, despatch a Jew and

"Beautiful maiden", answered Candide, "when a man is in love, is jealous, and has been flogged by the

"There are three Andalusian horses in the stable, with as many bridles and saddles; let the brave Candide get

them ready. Madam has a parcel of moidores and jewels, let us mount immediately, though I have lost one

buttock; let us set out for Cadiz; it is the finest weather in the world, and there is great pleasure in traveling in

Candide, without any further hesitation, saddled the three horses; and Miss Cunegonde, the old woman, and

he, set out, and traveled thirty miles without once halting. While they were making the best of their way, the

Holy Brotherhood entered the house. My Lord, the Inquisitor, was interred in a magnificent manner, and

Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman, had by this time reached the little town of Avacena, in the midst of

the mountains of Sierra Morena, and were engaged in the following conversation in an inn, where they had

Who could it be that has robbed me of my moidores and jewels?" exclaimed Miss Cunegonde, all bathed in

tears. "How shall we live? What shall we do? Where shall I find Inquisitors and Jews who can give me

"Alas!" said the old woman, "I have a shrewd suspicion of a reverend Franciscan father, who lay last night in

the same inn with us at Badajoz. God forbid I should condemn any one wrongfully, but he came into our

"Alas!" said Candide, "Pangloss has often demonstrated to me that the goods of this world are common to all

men, and that everyone has an equal right to the enjoyment of them; but, not withstanding, according to these

principles, the Franciscan ought to have left us enough to carry us to the end of our journey. Have you

"Sell one of the horses", replied the old woman. "I will get up behind Miss Cunegonde, though I have only

In the same inn there was a Benedictine friar, who bought the horse very cheap. Candide, Cunegonde, and the

old woman, after passing through Lucina, Chellas, and Letrixa, arrived at length at Cadiz. A fleet was then

getting ready, and troops were assembling in order to induce the reverend fathers, Jesuits of Paraguay, who

were accused of having excited one of the Indian tribes in the neighborhood of the town of the Holy

Candide, having been in the Bulgarian service, performed the military exercise of that nation before the

general of this little army with so intrepid an air, and with such agility and expedition, that he received the

command of a company of foot. Being now made a captain, he embarked with Miss Cunegonde, the old

woman, two valets, and the two Andalusian horses, which had belonged to the Grand Inquisitor of Portugal.

During their voyage they amused themselves with many profound reasonings on poor Pangloss's philosophy.

"We are now going into another world, and surely it must be there that everything is for the best; for I must

confess that we have had some little reason to complain of what passes in ours, both as to the physical and

moral part. Though I have a sincere love for you", said Miss Cunegonde, "yet I still shudder at the reflection

"All will be well", replied Candide, "the sea of this new world is already better than our European seas: it is

"God grant it", said Cunegonde, "but I have met with such terrible treatment in this world that I have almost

"What murmuring and complaining is here indeed!" cried the old woman. "If you had suffered half what I

Miss Cunegonde could scarce refrain from laughing at the good old woman, and thought it droll enough to

"Alas! my good dame", said she, "unless you had been ravished by two Bulgarians, had received two deep

wounds in your belly, had seen two of your own castles demolished, had lost two fathers, and two mothers,

and seen both of them barbarously murdered before your eyes, and to sum up all, had two lovers whipped at

an autodafe, I cannot see how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add to this, though born a baroness,

and bearing seventytwo quarterings, I have been reduced to the station of a cookwench."

"Miss", replied the old woman, "you do not know my family as yet; but if I were to show you my posteriors,

you would not talk in this manner, but suspend your judgment." This speech raised a high curiosity in

I have not always been bleareyed. My nose did not always touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. You

must know that I am the daughter of Pope Urban X, and of the Princess of Palestrina. To the age of fourteen I

was brought up in a castle, compared with which all the castles of the German barons would not have been fit

for stabling, and one of my robes would have bought half the province of Westphalia. I grew up, and

improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment; and in the midst of pleasures, homage, and the

highest expectations. I already began to inspire the men with love. My breast began to take its right form, and

such a breast! white, firm, and formed like that of the Venus de' Medici; my eyebrows were as black as jet,

and as for my eyes, they darted flames and eclipsed the luster of the stars, as I was told by the poets of our

part of the world. My maids, when they dressed and undressed me, used to fall into an ecstasy in viewing me

"I was contracted in marriage to a sovereign prince of Massa Carrara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself,

sweettempered, agreeable, witty, and in love with me over head and ears. I loved him, too, as our sex

generally do for the first time, with rapture, transport, and idolatry. The nuptials were prepared with

surprising pomp and magnificence; the ceremony was attended with feasts, carousals, and burlesques: all

"I was on the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marchioness, who had been mistress to the

Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate. In less than two hours after he returned from the visit, he

"But this is a mere trifle. My mother, distracted to the highest degree, and yet less afflicted than I, determined

to absent herself for some time from so fatal a place. As she had a very fine estate in the neighborhood of

Gaeta, we embarked on board a galley, which was gilded like the high altar of St. Peter's, at Rome. In our

passage we were boarded by a Sallee rover. Our men defended themselves like true Pope's soldiers; they

flung themselves upon their knees, laid down their arms, and begged the corsair to give them absolution in

"The Moors presently stripped us as bare as ever we were born. My mother, my maids of honor, and myself,

were served all in the same manner. It is amazing how quick these gentry are at undressing people. But what

surprised me most was, that they made a rude sort of surgical examination of parts of the body which are

sacred to the functions of nature. I thought it a very strange kind of ceremony; for thus we are generally apt to

judge of things when we have not seen the world. I afterwards learned that it was to discover if we had any

diamonds concealed. This practice had been established since time immemorial among those civilized nations

that scour the seas. I was informed that the religious Knights of Malta never fail to make this search

whenever any Moors of either sex fall into their hands. It is a part of the law of nations, from which they

"I need not tell you how great a hardship it was for a young princess and her mother to be made slaves and

carried to Morocco. You may easily imagine what we must have suffered on board a corsair. My mother was

still extremely handsome, our maids of honor, and even our common waitingwomen, had more charms than

"As to myself, I was enchanting; I was beauty itself, and then I had my virginity. But, alas! I did not retain it

long; this precious flower, which had been reserved for the lovely Prince of Massa Carrara, was cropped by

the captain of the Moorish vessel, who was a hideous Negro, and thought he did me infinite honor. Indeed,

both the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have had very strong constitutions to undergo all the

hardships and violences we suffered before our arrival at Morocco. But I will not detain you any longer with

"Upon our arrival at Morocco we found that kingdom deluged with blood. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley

Ishmael were each at the head of a party. This produced fifty civil wars of blacks against blacks, of tawnies

against tawnies, and of mulattoes against mulattoes. In short, the whole empire was one continued scene of

"No sooner were we landed than a party of blacks, of a contrary faction to that of my captain, came to rob

him of his booty. Next to the money and jewels, we were the most valuable things he had. I witnessed on this

occasion such a battle as you never beheld in your cold European climates. The northern nations have not that

fermentation in their blood, nor that raging lust for women that is so common in Africa. The natives of

Europe seem to have their veins filled with milk only; but fire and vitriol circulate in those of the inhabitants

of Mount Atlas and the neighboring provinces. They fought with the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of

their country, to decide who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while my captain's

lieutenant held her by the left; another Moor laid hold of her by the right leg, and one of our corsairs held her

by the other. In this manner almost all of our women were dragged by four soldiers.

"My captain kept me concealed behind him, and with his drawn scimitar cut down everyone who opposed

him; at length I saw all our Italian women and my mother mangled and torn in pieces by the monsters who

contended for them. The captives, my companions, the Moors who took us, the soldiers, the sailors, the

blacks, the whites, the mulattoes, and lastly, my captain himself, were all slain, and I remained alone expiring

upon a heap of dead bodies. Similar barbarous scenes were transacted every day over the whole country,

which is of three hundred leagues in extent, and yet they never missed the five stated times of prayer enjoined

"I disengaged myself with great difficulty from such a heap of corpses, and made a shift to crawl to a large

orange tree that stood on the bank of a neighboring rivulet, where I fell down exhausted with fatigue, and

overwhelmed with horror, despair, and hunger. My senses being overpowered, I fell asleep, or rather seemed

to be in a trance. Thus I lay in a state of weakness and insensibility between life and death, when I felt myself

pressed by something that moved up and down upon my body. This brought me to myself. I opened my eyes,

and saw a pretty fairfaced man, who sighed and muttered these words between his teeth, 'O che sciagura

Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no less surprised at the young man's words, I told

him that there were far greater misfortunes in the world than what he complained of. And to convince him of

it, I gave him a short history of the horrible disasters that had befallen me; and as soon as I had finished, fell

"He carried me in his arms to a neighboring cottage, where he had me put to bed, procured me something to

eat, waited on me with the greatest attention, comforted me, caressed me, told me that he had never seen

anything so perfectly beautiful as myself, and that he had never so much regretted the loss of what no one

"'I was born at Naples,' said he, 'where they make eunuchs of thousands of children every year; some die of

the operation; some acquire voices far beyond the most tuneful of your ladies; and others are sent to govern

states and empires. I underwent this operation very successfully, and was one of the singers in the Princess of

"'The Princess of Palestrina, your mother!' cried he, bursting into a flood of tears. 'Is it possible you should be

the beautiful young princess whom I had the care of bringing up till she was six years old, and who at that

"'I am the same,' I replied. 'My mother lies about a hundred yards from here cut in pieces and buried under a

"I then related to him all that had befallen me, and he in return acquainted me with all his adventures, and

how he had been sent to the court of the King of Morocco by a Christian prince to conclude a treaty with that

monarch; in consequence of which he was to be furnished with military stores, and ships to destroy the

"'I have executed my commission,' said the eunuch; 'I am going to take ship at Ceuta, and I'll take you along

"I thanked him with tears of joy, but, not withstanding, instead of taking me with him to Italy, he carried me

to Algiers, and sold me to the Dey of that province. I had not been long a slave when the plague, which had

made the tour of Africa, Asia, and Europe, broke out at Algiers with redoubled fury. You have seen an

"If you had ever had it", continued the old woman, "you would own an earthquake was a trifle to it. It is very

common in Africa; I was seized with it. Figure to yourself the distressed condition of the daughter of a Pope,

only fifteen years old, and who in less than three months had felt the miseries of poverty and slavery; had

been debauched almost every day; had beheld her mother cut into four quarters; had experienced the scourges

of famine and war; and was now dying of the plague at Algiers. I did not, however, die of it; but my eunuch,

"As soon as the first fury of this dreadful pestilence was over, a sale was made of the Dey's slaves. I was

purchased by a merchant who carried me to Tunis. This man sold me to another merchant, who sold me again

to another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria, from Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to

Constantinople. After many changes, I at length became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries, who, soon

after I came into his possession, was ordered away to the defense of Azoff, then besieged by the Russians.

"The Aga, being very fond of women, took his whole seraglio with him, and lodged us in a small fort, with

two black eunuchs and twenty soldiers for our guard. Our army made a great slaughter among the Russians;

but they soon returned us the compliment. Azoff was taken by storm, and the enemy spared neither age, sex,

nor condition, but put all to the sword, and laid the city in ashes. Our little fort alone held out; they resolved

to reduce us by famine. The twenty janissaries, who were left to defend it, had bound themselves by an oath

never to surrender the place. Being reduced to the extremity of famine, they found themselves obliged to kill

our two eunuchs, and eat them rather than violate their oath. But this horrible repast soon failing them, they

"We had a very pious and humane man, who gave them a most excellent sermon on this occasion, exhorting

them not to kill us all at once. 'Cut off only one of the buttocks of each of those ladies,' said he, 'and you will

fare extremely well; if you are under the necessity of having recourse to the same expedient again, you will

find the like supply a few days hence. Heaven will approve of so charitable an action, and work your

"By the force of this eloquence he easily persuaded them, and all of us underwent the operation. The man

applied the same balsam as they do to children after circumcision. We were all ready to give up the ghost.

"The Janissaries had scarcely time to finish the repast with which we had supplied them, when the Russians

attacked the place by means of flatbottomed boats, and not a single janissary escaped. The Russians paid no

regard to the condition we were in; but there are French surgeons in all parts of the world, and one of them

took us under his care, and cured us. I shall never forget, while I live, that as soon as my wounds were

perfectly healed he made me certain proposals. In general, he desired us all to be of a good cheer, assuring us

that the like had happened in many sieges; and that it was perfectly agreeable to the laws of war.

"As soon as my companions were in a condition to walk, they were sent to Moscow. As for me, I fell to the

lot of a Boyard, who put me to work in his garden, and gave me twenty lashes a day. But this nobleman

having about two years afterwards been broken alive upon the wheel, with about thirty others, for some court

intrigues, I took advantage of the event, and made my escape. I traveled over a great part of Russia. I was a

long time an innkeeper's servant at Riga, then at Rostock, Wismar, Leipsic, Cassel, Utrecht, Leyden, The

Hague, and Rotterdam. I have grown old in misery and disgrace, living with only one buttock, and having in

perpetual remembrance that I am a Pope's daughter. I have been a hundred times upon the point of killing

myself, but still I was fond of life. This ridiculous weakness is, perhaps, one of the dangerous principles

implanted in our nature. For what can be more absurd than to persist in carrying a burden of which we wish

to be eased? to detest, and yet to strive to preserve our existence? In a word, to caress the serpent that devours

"In the different countries which it has been my fate to traverse, and at the many inns where I have been a

servant, I have observed a prodigious number of people who held their existence in abhorrence, and yet I

never knew more than twelve who voluntarily put an end to their misery; namely, three Negroes, four

Englishmen, as many Genevese, and a German professor named Robek. My last place was with the Jew, Don

Issachar, who placed me near your person, my fair lady; to whose fortunes I have attached myself, and have

been more concerned with your adventures than with my own. I should never have even mentioned the latter

to you, had you not a little piqued me on the head of sufferings; and if it were not customary to tell stories on

"In short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge and experience in the world, therefore take my

advice: divert yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and if there is one of them all that

has not cursed his existence many times, and said to himself over and over again that he was the most

The fair Cunegonde, being thus made acquainted with the history of the old woman's life and adventures,

paid her all the respect and civility due to a person of her rank and merit. She very readily acceded to her

proposal of engaging the passengers to relate their adventures in their turns, and was at length, as well as

"It is a thousand pities", said Candide, "that the sage Pangloss should have been hanged contrary to the

custom of an autodafe, for he would have given us a most admirable lecture on the moral and physical evil

which overspreads the earth and sea; and I think I should have courage enough to presume to offer (with all

While everyone was reciting his adventures, the ship continued on her way, and at length arrived at Buenos

Ayres, where Cunegonde, Captain Candide, and the old woman, landed and went to wait upon the governor,

Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza. This nobleman carried himself with

a haughtiness suitable to a person who bore so many names. He spoke with the most noble disdain to

everyone, carried his nose so high, strained his voice to such a pitch, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked

with so much loftiness and pride, that everyone who had the honor of conversing with him was violently

tempted to bastinade His Excellency. He was immoderately fond of women, and Miss Cunegonde appeared

in his eyes a paragon of beauty. The first thing he did was to ask her if she was not the captain's wife. The air

with which he made this demand alarmed Candide, who did not dare to say he was married to her, because

indeed he was not; neither did he venture to say she was his sister, because she was not; and though a lie of

this nature proved of great service to one of the ancients, and might possibly be useful to some of the

"Miss Cunegonde", replied he, "is to do me the honor to marry me, and we humbly beseech Your Excellency

Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza, twirling his mustachio, and putting

on a sarcastic smile, ordered Captain Candide to go and review his company. The gentle Candide obeyed, and

the Governor was left with Miss Cunegonde. He made her a strong declaration of love, protesting that he was

ready to give her his hand in the face of the Church, or otherwise, as should appear most agreeable to a young

lady of her prodigious beauty. Cunegonde desired leave to retire a quarter of an hour to consult the old

"Miss, you have seventytwo quarterings in your arms, it is true, but you have not a penny to bless yourself

with. It is your own fault if you do not become the wife of one of the greatest noblemen in South America,

with an exceeding fine mustachio. What business have you to pride yourself upon an unshaken constancy?

You have been outraged by a Bulgarian soldier; a Jew and an Inquisitor have both tasted of your favors.

People take advantage of misfortunes. I must confess, were I in your place, I should, without the least scruple,

give my hand to the Governor, and thereby make the fortune of the brave Captain Candide."

While the old woman was thus haranguing, with all the prudence that old age and experience furnish, a small

bark entered the harbor, in which was an alcayde and his alguazils. Matters had fallen out as follows.

The old woman rightly guessed that the Franciscan with the long sleeves, was the person who had taken Miss

Cunegonde's money and jewels, while they and Candide were at Badajoz, in their flight from Lisbon. This

same friar attempted to sell some of the diamonds to a jeweler, who presently knew them to have belonged to

the Grand Inquisitor, and stopped them. The Franciscan, before he was hanged, acknowledged that he had

stolen them and described the persons, and the road they had taken. The flight of Cunegonde and Candide

was already the towntalk. They sent in pursuit of them to Cadiz; and the vessel which had been sent to make

the greater dispatch, had now reached the port of Buenos Ayres. A report was spread that an alcayde was

going to land, and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of My Lord, the Inquisitor. The sage old woman

"You cannot run away", said she to Cunegonde, "but you have nothing to fear; it was not you who killed My

Lord Inquisitor: besides, as the Governor is in love with you, he will not suffer you to be illtreated; therefore

Then hurrying away to Candide, she said, "Be gone hence this instant, or you will be burned alive."

Candide found there was no time to be lost; but how could he part from Cunegonde, and whither must he fly

Candide had brought with him from Cadiz such a footman as one often meets with on the coasts of Spain and

in the colonies. He was the fourth part of a Spaniard, of a mongrel breed, and born in Tucuman. He had

successively gone through the profession of a singing boy, sexton, sailor, monk, peddler, soldier, and lackey.

His name was Cacambo; he had a great affection for his master, because his master was a very good man. He

"Come, my good master, let us follow the old woman's advice, and make all the haste we can from this place

Candide burst into a flood of tears, "O my dear Cunegonde, must I then be compelled to quit you just as the

Governor was going to honor us with his presence at our wedding! Cunegonde, so long lost and found again,

"Lord!" said Cacambo, 'she must do as well as she can; women are never at a loss. God takes care of them,

"But whither wilt thou carry me? where can we go? what can we do without Cunegonde?" cried the

"By St. James of Compostella", said Cacambo, "you were going to fight against the Jesuits of Paraguay; now

let us go and fight for them; I know the road perfectly well; I'll conduct you to their kingdom; they will be

delighted with a captain that understands the Bulgarian drill; you will certainly make a prodigious fortune. If

we cannot succeed in this world we may in another. It is a great pleasure to see new objects and perform new

"Ay, marry, I have", replied Cacambo. "I was a scout in the College of the Assumption, and am as well

acquainted with the new government of the Los Padres as I am with the streets of Cadiz. Oh, it is an

admirable government, that is most certain! The kingdom is at present upwards of three hundred leagues in

diameter, and divided into thirty provinces; the fathers there are masters of everything, and the people have

no money at all; this you must allow is the masterpiece of justice and reason. For my part, I see nothing so

divine as the good fathers, who wage war in this part of the world against the troops of Spain and Portugal, at

the same time that they hear the confessions of those very princes in Europe; who kill Spaniards in America

and send them to Heaven at Madrid. This pleases me exceedingly, but let us push forward; you are going to

see the happiest and most fortunate of all mortals. How charmed will those fathers be to hear that a captain

As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo called to the advance guard, and told them that a captain

wanted to speak to My Lord, the General. Notice was given to the main guard, and immediately a Paraguayan

officer ran to throw himself at the feet of the Commandant to impart this news to him. Candide and Cacambo

were immediately disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses were seized. The two strangers were conducted

between two files of musketeers, the Commandant was at the further end with a threecornered cap on his

head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a halfpike in his hand; he made a sign, and instantly four

and twenty soldiers drew up round the newcomers. A sergeant told them that they must wait, the

Commandant could not speak to them; and that the Reverend Father Provincial did not suffer any Spaniard to

open his mouth but in his presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.

"He has just come from Mass and is at the parade", replied the sergeant, "and in about three hours' time you

"But", said Cacambo, "the Captain, who, as well as myself, is perishing of hunger, is no Spaniard, but a

German; therefore, pray, might we not be permitted to break our fast till we can be introduced to His

"God be praised", said the Reverend Commandant, "since he is a German I will hear what he has to say; let

Immediately they conducted Candide to a beautiful pavilion adomed with a colonnade of green marble,

spotted with yellow, and with an intertexture of vines, which served as a kind of cage for parrots, humming

birds, guinea hens, and all other curious kinds of birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels of

gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating coarse Indian corn out of wooden dishes in the open air, and

exposed to the burning heat of the sun, the Reverend Father Commandant retired to his cool arbor.

He was a very handsome young man, roundfaced, fair, and freshcolored, his eyebrows were finely arched,

he had a piercing eye, the tips of his ears were red, his lips vermilion, and he had a bold and commanding air;

but such a boldness as neither resembled that of a Spaniard nor of a Jesuit. He ordered Candide and Cacambo

to have their arms restored to them, together with their two Andalusian horses. Cacambo gave the poor beasts

some oats to eat close by the arbor, keeping a strict eye upon them all the while for fear of surprise.

As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great amazement and with an emotion that

"From the dirty province of Westphalia", answered Candide. "I was born in the castle of

On this they both drew a few steps backwards, then running into each other's arms, embraced, and wept

"Is it you then, Reverend Father? You are the brother of the fair Miss Cunegonde? You that was slain by the

Bulgarians! You the Baron's son! You a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world we live in.

The Commandant dismissed the Negro slaves, and the Paraguayans who presented them with liquor in crystal

goblets. He returned thanks to God and St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms, and

"You will be more surprised, more affected, more transported", said Candide, "when I tell you that Miss

Cunegonde, your sister, whose belly was supposed to have been ripped open, is in perfect health."

"In your neighborhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I myself was going to fight against you."

Every word they uttered during this long conversation was productive of some new matter of astonishment.

Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their ears, and sparkled in their eyes. Like true Germans,

they continued a long while at table, waiting for the Reverend Father; and the Commandant spoke to his dear

Never while I live shall I lose the remembrance of that horrible day on which I saw my father and mother

barbarously butchered before my eyes, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians retired we searched in

vain for my dear sister. She was nowhere to be found; but the bodies of my father, mother, and myself, with

two servant maids and three little boys, all of whom had been murdered by the remorseless enemy, were

thrown into a cart to be buried in a chapel belonging to the Jesuits, within two leagues of our family seat. A

Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water, which was confounded salty, and a few drops of it went into my

eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids stirred a little; he put his hand upon my breast and felt my

heartbeat; upon which he gave me proper assistance, and at the end of three weeks I was perfectly recovered.

You know, my dear Candide, I was very handsome; I became still more so, and the Reverend Father Croust,

superior of that house, took a great fancy to me; he gave me the habit of the order, and some years afterwards

I was sent to Rome. Our General stood in need of new recruits of young German Jesuits. The sovereigns of

Paraguay admit of as few Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations, as being more

obedient to command. The Reverend Father General looked upon me as a proper person to work in that

vineyard. I set out in company with a Polander and a Tyrolese. Upon my arrival I was honored with a

subdeaconship and a lieutenancy. Now I am colonel and priest. We shall give a warm reception to the King of

Spain's troops; I can assure you they will be well excommunicated and beaten. Providence has sent you hither

to assist us. But is it true that my dear sister Cunegonde is in the neighborhood with the Governor of Buenos

Candide swore that nothing could be more true; and the tears began again to trickle down their cheeks. The

Baron knew no end of embracing Candide, be called him his brother, his deliverer.

"Perhaps", said he, "my dear Candide, we shall be fortunate enough to enter the town, sword in hand, and

"Ah! that would crown my wishes", replied Candide; "for I intended to marry her; and I hope I shall still be

"Insolent fellow!" cried the Baron. "You! you have the impudence to marry my sister, who bears

seventytwo quarterings! Really, I think you have an insufferable degree of assurance to dare so much as to

"Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world are of no signification. I have delivered your sister from a

Jew and an Inquisitor; she is under many obligations to me, and she is resolved to give me her hand. My

master, Pangloss, always told me that mankind are by nature equal. Therefore, you may depend upon it that I

"We shall see to that, villain!" said the Jesuit, Baron of Thundertentronckh, and struck him across the face

with the flat side of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier and plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's

"Good God!" cried he, "I have killed my old master, my friend, my brotherinlaw. I am the best man in the

world, and yet I have already killed three men, and of these three, two were priests."

"Nothing remains", said his master, "but to sell our lives as dearly as possible; they will undoubtedly look

Cacambo, who had seen many of this kind of adventures, was not discouraged. He stripped the Baron of his

Jesuit's habit and put it upon Candide, then gave him the dead man's threecornered cap and made him mount

"Gallop, master", cried Cacambo; "everybody will take you for a Jesuit going to give orders; and we shall

He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish, "Make way; make way for the Reverend

Candide and his valet had already passed the frontiers before it was known that the German Jesuit was dead.

The wary Cacambo had taken care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, some ham, some fruit, and a few

bottles of wine. They penetrated with their Andalusian horses into a strange country, where they could

discover no beaten path. At length a beautiful meadow, intersected with purling rills, opened to their view.

Cacambo proposed to his master to take some nourishment, and he set him an example.

"How can you desire me to feast upon ham, when I have killed the Baron's son and am doomed never more to

see the beautiful Cunegonde? What will it avail me to prolong a wretched life that must be spent far from her

in remorse and despair? And then what will the journal of Trevoux say?" was Candide's reply.

While he was making these reflections he still continued eating. The sun was now on the point of setting

when the ears of our two wanderers were assailed with cries which seemed to be uttered by a female voice.

They could not tell whether these were cries of grief or of joy; however, they instantly started up, full of that

inquietude and apprehension which a strange place naturally inspires. The cries proceeded from two young

women who were tripping disrobed along the mead, while two monkeys followed close at their heels biting at

their limbs. Candide was touched with compassion; he had learned to shoot while he was among the

Bulgarians, and he could hit a filbert in a hedge without touching a leaf. Accordingly he took up his

doublebarrelled Spanish gun, pulled the trigger, and laid the two monkeys lifeless on the ground.

"God be praised, my dear Cacambo, I have rescued two poor girls from a most perilous situation; if I have

committed a sin in killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving the lives of these

two distressed damsels. Who knows but they may be young ladies of a good family, and that the assistance I

have been so happy to give them may procure us great advantage in this country?"

He was about to continue when he felt himself struck speechless at seeing the two girls embracing the dead

bodies of the monkeys in the tenderest manner, bathing their wounds with their tears, and rending the air with

"Really", said he to Cacambo, "I should not have expected to see such a prodigious share of good nature."

"Master", replied the knowing valet, "you have made a precious piece of work of it; do you know that you

"Dear sir", replied Cacambo, "you are surprised at everything. Why should you think it so strange that there

should be a country where monkeys insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies? They are the

"Alas!" replied Candide, "I remember to have heard my master Pangloss say that such accidents as these

frequently came to pass in former times, and that these commixtures are productive of centaurs, fauns, and

satyrs; and that many of the ancients had seen such monsters; but I looked upon the whole as fabulous."

"Now you are convinced", said Cacambo, "that it is very true, and you see what use is made of those

creatures by persons who have not had a proper education; all I am afraid of is that these same ladies may

These judicious reflections operated so far on Candide as to make him quit the meadow and strike into a

thicket. There he and Cacambo supped, and after heartily cursing the Grand Inquisitor, the Governor of

Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they fell asleep on the ground. When they awoke they were surprised to find

that they could not move; the reason was that the Oreillons who inhabit that country, and to whom the ladies

had given information of these two strangers, had bound them with cords made of the bark of trees. They saw

themselves surrounded by fifty naked Oreillons armed with bows and arrows, clubs, and hatchets of flint;

some were making a fire under a large cauldron; and others were preparing spits, crying out one and all, "A

Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged; we shall have excellent cheer; let us eat this Jesuit; let us eat him up."

"I told you, master", cried Cacambo, mournfully, "that these two wenches would play us some scurvy trick."

Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried out, "I suppose they are going either to boil or roast us. Ah!

what would Pangloss say if he were to see how pure nature is formed? Everything is right; it may be so; but I

must confess it is something hard to be bereft of dear Miss Cunegonde, and to be spitted like a rabbit by these

Cacambo, who never lost his presence of mind in distress, said to the disconsolate Candide, "Do not despair;

"Ay, pray do", said Candide, "and be sure you make them sensible of the horrid barbarity of boiling and

roasting human creatures, and how little of Christianity there is in such practices."

"Gentlemen", said Cacambo, "you think perhaps you are going to feast upon a Jesuit; if so, it is mighty well;

nothing can be more agreeable to justice than thus to treat your enemies. Indeed the law of nature teaches us

to kill our neighbor, and accordingly we find this practiced all over the world; and if we do not indulge

ourselves in eating human flesh, it is because we have much better fare; but for your parts, who have not such

resources as we, it is certainly much better judged to feast upon your enemies than to throw their bodies to the

"But surely, gentlemen, you would not choose to eat your friends. You imagine you are going to roast a

Jesuit, whereas my master is your friend, your defender, and you are going to spit the very man who has been

destroying your enemies; as to myself, I am your countryman; this gentleman is my master, and so far from

being a Jesuit, give me leave to tell you he has very lately killed one of that order, whose spoils he now

wears, and which have probably occasioned your mistake. To convince you of the truth of what I say, take

the habit he has on and carry it to the first barrier of the Jesuits' kingdom, and inquire whether my master did

not kill one of their officers. There will be little or no time lost by this, and you may still reserve our bodies in

your power to feast on if you should find what we have told you to be false. But, on the contrary, if you find

it to be true, I am persuaded you are too well acquainted with the principles of the laws of society, humanity,

This speech appeared very reasonable to the Oreillons; they deputed two of their people with all expedition to

inquire into the truth of this affair, who acquitted themselves of their commission like men of sense, and soon

returned with good tidings for our distressed adventurers. Upon this they were loosed, and those who were so

lately going to roast and boil them now showed them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them

refreshments, and reconducted them to the confines of their country, crying before them all the way, in token

Candide could not help admiring the cause of his deliverance. "What men! what manners!" cried he. "If I had

not fortunately run my sword up to the hilt in the body of Miss Cunegonde's brother, I should have certainly

been eaten alive. But, after all, pure nature is an excellent thing; since these people, instead of eating me,

When to the frontiers of the Oreillons, said Cacambo to Candide, "You see, this hemisphere is not better than

the other; now take my advice and let us return to Europe by the shortest way possible."

"But how can we get back?" said Candide; "and whither shall we go? To my own country? The Bulgarians

and the Abares are laying that waste with fire and sword. Or shall we go to Portugal? There I shall be burned;

and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of being spitted. But how can I bring myself to quit that

"Let us return towards Cayenne", said Cacambo. "There we shall meet with some Frenchmen, for you know

those gentry ramble all over the world. Perhaps they will assist us, and God will look with pity on our

It was not so easy to get to Cayenne. They knew pretty nearly whereabouts it lay; but the mountains, rivers,

precipices, robbers, savages, were dreadful obstacles in the way. Their horses died with fatigue and their

provisions were at an end. They subsisted a whole month on wild fruit, till at length they came to a little river

bordered with cocoa trees; the sight of which at once revived their drooping spirits and furnished nourishment

Cacambo, who was always giving as good advice as the old woman herself, said to Candide, "You see there

is no holding out any longer; we have traveled enough on foot. I spy an empty canoe near the river side; let us

fill it with cocoanuts, get into it, and go down with the stream; a river always leads to some inhabited place. If

we do not meet with agreeable things, we shall at least meet with something new."

They rowed a few leagues down the river, the banks of which were in some places covered with flowers; in

others barren; in some parts smooth and level, and in others steep and rugged. The stream widened as they

went further on, till at length it passed under one of the frightful rocks, whose summits seemed to reach the

clouds. Here our two travelers had the courage to commit themselves to the stream, which, contracting in this

At the end of four and twenty hours they saw daylight again; but their canoe was dashed to pieces against the

rocks. They were obliged to creep along, from rock to rock, for the space of a league, till at length a spacious

plain presented itself to their sight. This place was bounded by a chain of inaccessible mountains. The

country appeared cultivated equally for pleasure and to produce the necessaries of life. The useful and

agreeable were here equally blended. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages formed of

glittering materials, in which were men and women of a surprising beauty, drawn with great rapidity by red

sheep of a very large size; which far surpassed the finest coursers of Andalusian Tetuan, or Mecquinez.

He and Cacambo landed near the first village they saw, at the entrance of which they perceived some children

covered with tattered garments of the richest brocade, playing at quoits. Our two inhabitants of the other

hemisphere amused themselves greatly with what they saw. The quoits were large, round pieces, yellow, red,

and green, which cast a most glorious luster. Our travelers picked some of them up, and they proved to be

gold, emeralds, rubies, and diamonds; the least of which would have been the greatest ornament to the superb

"Without doubt", said Cacambo, "those children must be the King's sons that are playing at quoits."

As he was uttering these words the schoolmaster of the village appeared, who came to call the children to

The little ragamuffins immediately quitted their diversion, leaving the quoits on the ground with all their

other playthings. Candide gathered them up, ran to the schoolmaster, and, with a most respectful bow,

presented them to him, giving him to understand by signs that their Royal Highnesses had forgot their gold

and precious stones. The schoolmaster, with a smile, flung them upon the ground, then examining Candide

from head to foot with an air of admiration, he turned his back and went on his way.

Our travelers took care, however, to gather up the gold, the rubies, and the emeralds.

"Where are we?" cried Candide. "The King's children in this country must have an excellent education, since

Cacambo was as much surprised as his master. They then drew near the first house in the village, which was

built after the manner of a European palace. There was a crowd of people about the door, and a still greater

number in the house. The sound of the most delightful instruments of music was heard, and the most

agreeable smell came from the kitchen. Cacambo went up to the door and heard those within talking in the

Peruvian language, which was his mother tongue; for everyone knows that Cacambo was born in a village of

"I will be your interpreter here", said he to Candide. "Let us go in; this is an eating house."

Immediately two waiters and two servantgirls, dressed in cloth of gold, and their hair braided with ribbons

of tissue, accosted the strangers and invited them to sit down to the ordinary. Their dinner consisted of four

dishes of different soups, each garnished with two young paroquets, a large dish of bouille that weighed two

hundred weight, two roasted monkeys of a delicious flavor, three hundred hummingbirds in one dish, and six

hundred flybirds in another; some excellent ragouts, delicate tarts, and the whole served up in dishes of

rockcrystal. Several sorts of liquors, extracted from the sugarcane, were handed about by the servants who

Most of the company were chapmen and wagoners, all extremely polite; they asked Cacambo a few questions

with the utmost discretion and circumspection; and replied to his in a most obliging and satisfactory manner.

As soon as dinner was over, both Candide and Cacambo thought they should pay very handsomely for their

entertainment by laying down two of those large gold pieces which they had picked off the ground; but the

landlord and landlady burst into a fit of laughing and held their sides for some time.

When the fit was over, the landlord said, "Gentlemen, I plainly perceive you are strangers, and such we are

not accustomed to charge; pardon us, therefore, for laughing when you offered us the common pebbles of our

highways for payment of your reckoning. To be sure, you have none of the coin of this kingdom; but there is

no necessity of having any money at all to dine in this house. All the inns, which are established for the

convenience of those who carry on the trade of this nation, are maintained by the government. You have

found but very indifferent entertainment here, because this is only a poor village; but in almost every other of

these public houses you will meet with a reception worthy of persons of your merit."

Cacambo explained the whole of this speech of the landlord to Candide, who listened to it with the same

"What sort of a country is this", said the one to the other, "that is unknown to all the world; and in which

Nature has everywhere so different an appearance to what she has in ours? Possibly this is that part of the

globe where everywhere is right, for there must certainly be some such place. And, for all that Master

Cacambo vented all his curiosity upon his landlord by a thousand different questions; the honest man

answered him thus, "I am very ignorant, sir, but I am contented with my ignorance; however, we have in this

neighborhood an old man retired from court, who is the most learned and communicative person in the whole

He then conducted Cacambo to the old man; Candide acted now only a second character, and attended his

valet. They entered a very plain house, for the door was nothing but silver, and the ceiling was only of beaten

gold, but wrought in such elegant taste as to vie with the richest. The antechamber, indeed, was only

incrusted with rubies and emeralds; but the order in which everything was disposed made amends for this

The old man received the strangers on his sofa, which was stuffed with hummingbirds' feathers; and ordered

his servants to present them with liquors in golden goblets, after which he satisfied their curiosity in the

"I am now one hundred and seventytwo years old, and I learned of my late father, who was equerry to the

King, the amazing revolutions of Peru, to which he had been an eyewitness. This kingdom is the ancient

patrimony of the Incas, who very imprudently quitted it to conquer another part of the world, and were at

"Those princes of their family who remained in their native country acted more wisely. They ordained, with

the consent of their whole nation, that none of the inhabitants of our little kingdom should ever quit it; and to

this wise ordinance we owe the preservation of our innocence and happiness. The Spaniards had some

confused notion of this country, to which they gave the name of El Dorado; and Sir Walter Raleigh, an

Englishman, actually came very near it about three hundred years ago; but the inaccessible rocks and

precipices with which our country is surrounded on all sides, has hitherto secured us from the rapacious fury

of the people of Europe, who have an unaccountable fondness for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the

The conversation lasted some time and turned chiefly on the form of government, their manners, their

women, their public diversions, and the arts. At length, Candide, who had always had a taste for metaphysics,

"Can you doubt it?" said he; "do you take us for wretches lost to all sense of gratitude?"

Cacambo asked in a respectful manner what was the established religion of El Dorado. The old man blushed

again and said, "Can there be two religions, then? Ours, I apprehend, is the religion of the whole world; we

"Do you worship but one God?" said Cacambo, who still acted as the interpreter of Candide's doubts.

"Certainly", said the old man; "there are not two, nor three, nor four Gods. I must confess the people of your

However, Candide could not refrain from making many more inquiries of the old man; he wanted to know in

"We do not pray to Him at all", said the reverend sage; "we have nothing to ask of Him, He has given us all

Candide had a curiosity to see some of their priests, and desired Cacambo to ask the old man where they

were. At which he smiling said, "My friends, we are all of us priests; the King and all the heads of families

sing solemn hymns of thanksgiving every morning, accompanied by five or six thousand musicians."

"What!" said Cacambo, "have you no monks among you to dispute, to govern, to intrigue, and to burn people

"Do you take us for fools?" said the old man. "Here we are all of one opinion, and know not what you mean

During the whole of this discourse Candide was in raptures, and he said to himself, "What a prodigious

difference is there between this place and Westphalia; and this house and the Baron's castle. Ah, Master

Pangloss! had you ever seen El Dorado, you would no longer have maintained that the castle of

Thundertentronckh was the finest of all possible edifices; there is nothing like seeing the world, that's

This long conversation being ended, the old man ordered six sheep to be harnessed and put to the coach, and

"Excuse me", said he, "for not waiting on you in person, my age deprives me of that honor. The King will

receive you in such a manner that you will have no reason to complain; and doubtless you will make a proper

allowance for the customs of the country if they should not happen altogether to please you."

Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the six sheep flew, and, in less than a quarter of an hour, they

arrived at the King's palace, which was situated at the further end of the capital. At the entrance was a portal

two hundred and twenty feet high and one hundred wide; but it is impossible for words to express the

materials of which it was built. The reader, however, will readily conceive that they must have a prodigious

Twenty beautiful young virgins in waiting received Candide and Cacambo on their alighting from the coach,

conducted them to the bath and clad them in robes woven of the down of hummingbirds; after which they

were introduced by the great officers of the crown of both sexes to the King's apartment, between two files of

musicians, each file consisting of a thousand, agreeable to the custom of the country.

When they drew near to the presencechamber, Cacambo asked one of the officers in what manner they were

to pay their obeisance to His Majesty; whether it was the custom to fall upon their knees, or to prostrate

themselves upon the ground; whether they were to put their hands upon their heads, or behind their backs;

whether they were to lick the dust off the floor; in short, what was the ceremony usual on such occasions.

"The custom", said the great officer, "is to embrace the King and kiss him on each cheek."

Candide and Cacambo accordingly threw their arms round His Majesty's neck, who received them in the

While supper was preparing, orders were given to show them the city, where they saw public structures that

reared their lofty heads to the clouds; the marketplaces decorated with a thousand columns; fountains of

spring water, besides others of rose water, and of liquors drawn from the sugarcane, incessantly flowing in

the great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stones that emitted an odor like that of cloves

Candide asked to see the High Court of justice, the Parliament; but was answered that they had none in that

country, being utter strangers to lawsuits. He then inquired if they had any prisons; they replied none. But

what gave him at once the greatest surprise and pleasure was the Palace of Sciences, where he saw a gallery

two thousand feet long, filled with the various apparatus in mathematics and natural philosophy.

After having spent the whole afternoon in seeing only about the thousandth part of the city, they were brought

back to the King's palace. Candide sat down at the table with His Majesty, his valet Cacambo, and several

ladies of the court. Never was entertainment more elegant, nor could any one possibly show more wit than

His Majesty displayed while they were at supper. Cacambo explained all the King's bons mots to Candide,

and, although they were translated, they still appeared to be bons mots. Of all the things that surprised

They spent a whole month in this hospitable place, during which time Candide was continually saying to

Cacambo, "I own, my friend, once more, that the castle where I was born is a mere nothing in comparison to

the place where we now are; but still Miss Cunegonde is not here, and you yourself have doubtless some fair

one in Europe for whom you sigh. If we remain here we shall only be as others are; whereas if we return to

our own world with only a dozen of El Dorado sheep, loaded with the pebbles of this country, we shall be

richer than all the kings in Europe; we shall no longer need to stand in awe of the Inquisitors; and we may

This speech was perfectly agreeable to Cacambo. A fondness for roving, for making a figure in their own

country, and for boasting of what they had seen in their travels, was so powerful in our two wanderers that

they resolved to be no longer happy; and demanded permission of the King to quit the country.

"You are about to do a rash and silly action", said the King. "I am sensible my kingdom is an inconsiderable

spot; but when people are tolerably at their ease in any place, I should think it would be to their interest to

remain there. Most assuredly, I have no right to detain you, or any strangers, against your wills; this is an act

of tyranny to which our manners and our laws are equally repugnant. All men are by nature free; you have

therefore an undoubted liberty to depart whenever you please, but you will have many and great difficulties

to encounter in passing the frontiers. It is impossible to ascend that rapid river which runs under high and

vaulted rocks, and by which you were conveyed hither by a kind of miracle. The mountains by which my

kingdom are hemmed in on all sides, are ten thousand feet high, and perfectly perpendicular; they are above

"However, since you are determined to leave us, I will immediately give orders to the superintendent of my

carriages to cause one to be made that will convey you very safely. When they have conducted you to the

back of the mountains, nobody can attend you farther; for my subjects have made a vow never to quit the

kingdom, and they are too prudent to break it. Ask me whatever else you please."

"All we shall ask of Your Majesty", said Cacambo, "is only a few sheep laden with provisions, pebbles, and

The King smiled at the request and said, "I cannot imagine what pleasure you Europeans find in our yellow

He immediately gave orders to his engineers to make a machine to hoist these two extraordinary men out of

the kingdom. Three thousand good machinists went to work and finished it in about fifteen days, and it did

not cost more than twenty millions sterling of that country's money. Candide and Cacambo were placed on

this machine, and they took with them two large red sheep, bridled and saddled, to ride upon, when they got

on the other side of the mountains; twenty others to serve as sumpters for carrying provisions; thirty laden

with presents of whatever was most curious in the country, and fifty with gold, diamonds, and other precious

stones. The King, at parting with our two adventurers, embraced them with the greatest cordiality.

It was a curious sight to behold the manner of their setting off, and the ingenious method by which they and

their sheep were hoisted to the top of the mountains. The machinists and engineers took leave of them as soon

as they had conveyed them to a place of safety, and Candide was wholly occupied with the thoughts of

"Now", cried he, "thanks to Heaven, we have more than sufficient to pay the Governor of Buenos Ayres for

Miss Cunegonde, if she is redeemable. Let us make the best of our way to Cayenne, where we will take

shipping and then we may at leisure think of what kingdom we shall purchase with our riches."

Our travelers' first day's journey was very pleasant; they were elated with the prospect of possessing more

riches than were to be found in Europe, Asia, and Africa together. Candide, in amorous transports, cut the

name of Miss Cunegonde on almost every tree he came to. The second day two of their sheep sunk in a

morass, and were swallowed up with their Jading; two more died of fatigue; some few days afterwards seven

or eight perished with hunger in a desert, and others, at different times, tumbled down precipices, or were

otherwise lost, so that, after traveling about a hundred days they had only two sheep left of the hundred and

Said Candide to Cacambo, "You see, my dear friend, how perishable the riches of this world are; there is

"Very true", said Cacambo, "but we have still two sheep remaining, with more treasure than ever the King of

Spain will be possessed of; and I espy a town at a distance, which I take to be Surinam, a town belonging to

the Dutch. We are now at the end of our troubles, and at the beginning of happiness."

As they drew near the town they saw a Negro stretched on the ground with only one half of his habit, which

was a kind of linen frock; for the poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand.

"Good God", said Candide in Dutch, "what dost thou here, friend, in this deplorable condition?"

"I am waiting for my master, Mynheer Vanderdendur, the famous trader", answered the Negro.

"Yes, sir", said the Negro; "it is the custom here. They give a linen garment twice a year, and that is all our

covering. When we labor in the sugar works, and the mill happens to snatch hold of a finger, they instantly

chop off our hand; and when we attempt to run away, they cut off a leg. Both these cases have happened to

me, and it is at this expense that you eat sugar in Europe; and yet when my mother sold me for ten patacoons

on the coast of Guinea, she said to me, 'My dear child, bless our fetishes; adore them forever; they will make

thee live happy; thou hast the honor to be a slave to our lords the whites, by which thou wilt make the fortune

"Alas! I know not whether I have made their fortunes; but they have not made mine; dogs, monkeys, and

parrots are a thousand times less wretched than I. The Dutch fetishes who converted me tell me every Sunday

that the blacks and whites are all children of one father, whom they call Adam. As for me, I do not

understand anything of genealogies; but if what these preachers say is true, we are all second cousins; and

you must allow that it is impossible to be worse treated by our relations than we are."

"O Pangloss!" cried out Candide, "such horrid doings never entered thy imagination. Here is an end of the

"Alas!" replied Candide, "it is the obstinacy of maintaining that everything is best when it is worst."

And so saying he turned his eyes towards the poor Negro, and shed a flood of tears; and in this weeping

Immediately upon their arrival our travelers inquired if there was any vessel in the harbor which they might

send to Buenos Ayres. The person they addressed themselves to happened to be the master of a Spanish bark,

who offered to agree with them on moderate terms, and appointed them a meeting at a public house. Thither

Candide and his faithful Cacambo went to wait for him, taking with them their two sheep.

Candide, who was all frankness and sincerity, made an ingenuous recital of his adventures to the Spaniard,

declaring to him at the same time his resolution of carrying off Miss Cunegonde from the Governor of

"Oh, ho!" said the shipmaster, "if that is the case, get whom you please to carry you to Buenos Ayres; for my

part, I wash my hands of the affair. It would prove a hanging matter to us all. The fair Cunegonde is the

These words were like a clap of thunder to Candide; he wept bitterly for a long time, and, taking Cacambo

aside, he said to him, "I'll tell you, my dear friend, what you must do. We have each of us in our pockets to

the value of five or six millions in diamonds; you are cleverer at these matters than I; you must go to Buenos

Ayres and bring off Miss Cunegonde. If the Governor makes any difficulty give him a million; if he holds

out, give him two; as you have not killed an Inquisitor, they will have no suspicion of you. I'll fit out another

ship and go to Venice, where I will wait for you. Venice is a free country, where we shall have nothing to fear

Cacambo greatly applauded this wise resolution. He was inconsolable at the thoughts of parting with so good

a master, who treated him more like an intimate friend than a servant; but the pleasure of being able to do him

a service soon got the better of his sorrow. They embraced each other with a flood of tears. Candide charged

him not to forget the old woman. Cacambo set out the same day. This Cacambo was a very honest fellow.

Candide continued some days longer at Surinam, waiting for any captain to carry him and his two remaining

sheep to Italy. He hired domestics, and purchased many things necessary for a long voyage; at length

Mynheer Vanderdendur, skipper of a large Dutch vessel, came and offered his service.

"What will you have", said Candide, "to carry me, my servants, my baggage, and these two sheep you see

The skipper asked ten thousand piastres, and Candide agreed to his demand without hestitation.

"Ho, ho!" said the cunning Vanderdendur to himself, "this stranger must be very rich; he agrees to give me

Returning a little while after, he told Candide that upon second consideration he could not undertake the

"Zounds!" said the skipper to himself, "this man agrees to pay twenty thousand piastres with as much ease as

Accordingly he went back again, and told him roundly that he would not carry him to Venice for less than

"Odso!" said the Dutchman once more to himself, "thirty thousand piastres seem a trifle to this man. Those

sheep must certainly be laden with an immense treasure. I'll e'en stop here and ask no more; but make him

pay down the thirty thousand piastres, and then we may see what is to be done farther."

Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth more than all the skipper asked. He paid him

beforehand, the two sheep were put on board, and Candide followed in a small boat to join the vessel in the

road. The skipper took advantage of his opportunity, hoisted sail, and put out to sea with a favorable wind.

He returned back to the shore overwhelmed with grief; and, indeed, he had lost what would have made the

Straightway upon his landing he applied to the Dutch magistrate; being transported with passion he thundered

at the door, which being opened, he went in, told his case, and talked a little louder than was necessary. The

magistrate began with fining him ten thousand piastres for his petulance, and then listened very patiently to

what he had to say, promised to examine into the affair on the skipper's return, and ordered him to pay ten

This treatment put Candide out of all patience; it is true, he had suffered misfortunes a thousand times more

grievous, but the cool insolence of the judge, and the villainy of the skipper raised his choler and threw him

into a deep melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented itself to his mind in all its deformity, and his soul

was a prey to the most gloomy ideas. After some time, hearing that the captain of a French ship was ready to

set sail for Bordeaux, as he had no more sheep loaded with diamonds to put on board, he hired the cabin at

the usual price; and made it known in the town that he would pay the passage and board of any honest man

who would give him his company during the voyage; besides making him a present of ten thousand piastres,

on condition that such person was the most dissatisfied with his condition, and the most unfortunate in the

Upon this there appeared such a crowd of candidates that a large fleet could not have contained them.

Candide, willing to choose from among those who appeared most likely to answer his intention, selected

twenty, who seemed to him the most sociable, and who all pretended to merit the preference. He invited them

to his inn, and promised to treat them with a supper, on condition that every man should bind himself by an

oath to relate his own history; declaring at the same time, that he would make choice of that person who

should appear to him the most deserving of compassion, and the most justly dissatisfied with his condition in

This extraordinary assembly continued sitting till four in the morning. Candide, while he was listening to

their adventures, called to mind what the old woman had said to him in their voyage to Buenos Ayres, and the

wager she had laid that there was not a person on board the ship but had met with great misfortunes. Every

"My old master", said he, "would be confoundedly put to it to demonstrate his favorite system. Would he

were here! Certainly if everything is for the best, it is in El Dorado, and not in the other parts of the world."

At length he determined in favor of a poor scholar, who had labored ten years for the booksellers at

This scholar, who was in fact a very honest man, had been robbed by his wife, beaten by his son, and

forsaken by his daughter, who had run away with a Portuguese. He had been likewise deprived of a small

employment on which he subsisted, and he was persecuted by the clergy of Surinam, who took him for a

Socinian. It must be acknowledged that the other competitors were, at least, as wretched as he; but Candide

was in hopes that the company of a man of letters would relieve the tediousness of the voyage. All the other

candidates complained that Candide had done them great injustice, but he stopped their mouths by a present

The old philosopher, whose name was Martin, took shipping with Candide for Bordeaux. Both had seen and

suffered a great deal, and had the ship been going from Surinam to Japan round the Cape of Good Hope, they

could have found sufficient entertainment for each other during the whole voyage, in discoursing upon moral

Candide, however, had one advantage over Martin: he lived in the pleasing hopes of seeing Miss Cunegonde

once more; whereas, the poor philosopher had nothing to hope for. Besides, Candide had money and jewels,

and, not withstanding he had lost a hundred red sheep laden with the greatest treasure outside of El Dorado,

and though he still smarted from the reflection of the Dutch skipper's knavery, yet when he considered what

he had still left, and repeated the name of Cunegonde, especially after meal times, he inclined to Pangloss's

"And pray", said he to Martin, "what is your opinion of the whole of this system? What notion have you of

"Sir", replied Martin, "our priest accused me of being a Socinian; but the real truth is, I am a Manichaean."

"Nay, now you are jesting", said Candide; "there are no Manichaeans existing at present in the world."

"And yet I am one", said Martin; "but I cannot help it. I cannot for the soul of me think otherwise."

"He concerns himself so much", replied Martin, "in the affairs of this world that it is very probable he may be

in me as well as everywhere else; but I must confess, when I cast my eye on this globe, or rather globule, I

cannot help thinking that God has abandoned it to some malignant being. I always except El Dorado. I scarce

ever knew a city that did not wish the destruction of its neighboring city; nor a family that did not desire to

exterminate some other family. The poor in all parts of the world bear an inveterate hatred to the rich, even

while they creep and cringe to them; and the rich treat the poor like sheep, whose wool and flesh they barter

for money; a million of regimented assassins traverse Europe from one end to the other, to get their bread by

regular depredation and murder, because it is the most gentlemanlike profession. Even in those cities which

seem to enjoy the blessings of peace, and where the arts flourish, the inhabitants are devoured with envy,

care, and inquietudes, which are greater plagues than any experienced in a town besieged. Private chagrins

are still more dreadful than public calamities. In a word", concluded the philosopher, "I have seen and

While they were deeply engaged in this dispute they heard the report of cannon, which redoubled every

moment. Each took out his glass, and they spied two ships warmly engaged at the distance of about three

miles. The wind brought them both so near the French ship that those on board her had the pleasure of seeing

the fight with great ease. After several smart broadsides the one gave the other a shot between wind and water

which sunk her outright. Then could Candide and Martin plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of the

vessel which was sinking, who, with hands uplifted to Heaven, sent forth piercing cries, and were in a

"It is certain", said Candide, "that there is something diabolical in this affair." As he was speaking thus he

spied something of a shining red hue, which swam close to the vessel. The boat was hoisted out to see what it

might be, when it proved to be one of his sheep. Candide felt more joy at the recovery of this one animal than

he did grief when he lost the other hundred, though laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado.

The French captain quickly perceived that the victorious ship belonged to the crown of Spain; that the other

was a Dutch pirate, and the very same captain who had robbed Candide. The immense riches which this

villain had amassed, were buried with him in the deep, and only this one sheep saved out of the whole.

"You see", said Candide to Martin, "that vice is sometimes punished. This villain, the Dutch skipper, has met

"Very true", said Martin, "but why should the passengers be doomed also to destruction? God has punished

The French and Spanish ships continued their cruise, and Candide and Martin their conversation. They

disputed fourteen days successively, at the end of which they were just as far advanced as the first moment

they began. However, they had the satisfaction of disputing, of communicating their ideas, and of mutually

"Since I have found thee again", said he, "I may possibly find my Cunegonde once more."

At length they descried the coast of France, when Candide said to Martin, "Pray Monsieur Martin, were you

"Yes, sir", said Martin, "I have been in several provinces of that kingdom. In some, one half of the people are

fools and madmen; in some, they are too artful; in others, again, they are, in general, either very

goodnatured or very brutal; while in others, they affect to be witty, and in all, their ruling passion is love,

"Yes, sir, I have been in that city, and it is a place that contains the several species just described; it is a

chaos, a confused multitude, where everyone seeks for pleasure without being able to find it; at least, as far as

I have observed during my short stay in that city. At my arrival I was robbed of all I had in the world by

pickpockets and sharpers, at the fair of SaintGermain. I was taken up myself for a robber, and confined in

prison a whole week; after which I hired myself as corrector to a press in order to get a little money towards

defraying my expenses back to Holland on foot. I knew the whole tribe of scribblers, malcontents, and

fanatics. It is said the people of that city are very polite; I believe they may be."

"For my part, I have no curiosity to see France", said Candide. "You may easily conceive, my friend, that

after spending a month in El Dorado, I can desire to behold nothing upon earth but Miss Cunegonde. I am

going to wait for her at Venice. I intend to pass through France, on my way to Italy. Will you not bear me

"With all my heart", said Martin. "They say Venice is agreeable to none but noble Venetians, but that,

nevertheless, strangers are well received there when they have plenty of money; now I have none, but you

"Now we are upon this subject", said Candide, "do you think that the earth was originally sea, as we read in

"I believe nothing of it", replied Martin, "any more than I do of the many other chimeras which have been

"Are you not surprised", continued Candide, "at the love which the two girls in the country of the Oreillons

"Surprised?" replied Martin, "not in the least. I see nothing strange in this passion. I have seen so many

"Do you think", said Candide, "that mankind always massacred one another as they do now? Were they

always guilty of lies, fraud, treachery, ingratitude, inconstancy, envy, ambition, and cruelty? Were they

always thieves, fools, cowards, gluttons, drunkards, misers, calumniators, debauchees, fanatics, and

"Do you believe", said Martin, "that hawks have always been accustomed to eat pigeons when they came in

"Well then", replied Martin, "if hawks have always had the same nature, why should you pretend that

"Oh", said Candide, "there is a great deal of difference; for free will" and reasoning thus they arrived at

Candide stayed no longer at Bordeaux than was necessary to dispose of a few of the pebbles he had brought

from El Dorado, and to provide himself with a postchaise for two persons, for he could no longer stir a step

without his philosopher Martin. The only thing that give him concern was being obliged to leave his sheep

behind him, which he intrusted to the care of the Academy of Sciences at Bordeaux, who proposed, as a prize

subject for the year, to prove why the wool of this sheep was red; and the prize was adjudged to a northern

sage, who demonstrated by A plus B, minus C, divided by Z, that the sheep must necessarily be red, and die

In the meantime, all travelers whom Candide met with in the inns, or on the road, told him to a man, that they

were going to Paris. This general eagerness gave him likewise a great desire to see this capital; and it was not

He entered the city by the suburbs of SaintMarceau, and thought himself in one of the vilest hamlets in all

Candide had not been long at his inn, before he was seized with a slight disorder, owing to the fatigue he had

undergone. As he wore a diamond of an enormous size on his finger and had among the rest of his equipage a

strong box that seemed very weighty, he soon found himself between two physicians, whom he had not sent

for, a number of intimate friends whom he had never seen, and who would not quit his bedside, and two

"I remember", said Martin to him, "that the first time I came to Paris I was likewise taken ill. I was very poor,

and accordingly I had neither friends, nurses, nor physicians, and yet I did very well."

However, by dint of purging and bleeding, Candide's disorder became very serious. The priest of the parish

came with all imaginable politeness to desire a note of him, payable to the bearer in the other world. Candide

refused to comply with his request; but the two devotees assured him that it was a new fashion. Candide

replied, that he was not one that followed the fashion. Martin was for throwing the priest out of the window.

The clerk swore Candide should not have Christian burial. Martin swore in his turn that he would bury the

clerk alive if he continued to plague them any longer. The dispute grew warm; Martin took him by the

shoulders and turned him out of the room, which gave great scandal, and occasioned a procesverbal.

Candide recovered, and till he was in a condition to go abroad had a great deal of good company to pass the

evenings with him in his chamber. They played deep. Candide was surprised to find he could never turn a

Among those who did him the honors of the place was a little spruce abbe of Perigord, one of those

insinuating, busy, fawning, impudent, necessary fellows, that lay wait for strangers on their arrival, tell them

all the scandal of the town, and offer to minister to their pleasures at various prices. This man conducted

Candide and Martin to the playhouse; they were acting a new tragedy. Candide found himself placed near a

cluster of wits: this, however, did not prevent him from shedding tears at some parts of the piece which were

One of these talkers said to him between acts, "You are greatly to blame to shed tears; that actress plays

horribly, and the man that plays with her still worse, and the piece itself is still more execrable than the

representation. The author does not understand a word of Arabic, and yet he has laid his scene in Arabia, and

what is more, he is a fellow who does not believe in innate ideas. Tomorrow I will bring you a score of

"Pray, sir", said Candide to the abbe, "how many theatrical pieces have you in France?"

"Indeed! that is a great number", said Candide, "but how many good ones may there be?"

Candide was greatly taken with an actress, who performed the part of Queen Elizabeth in a dull kind of

"That actress", said he to Martin, "pleases me greatly; she has some sort of resemblance to Miss Cunegonde. I

The abbe of Perigord offered his service to introduce him to her at her own house. Candide, who was brought

up in Germany, desired to know what might be the ceremonial used on those occasions, and how a queen of

"There is a necessary distinction to be observed in these matters", said the abbe. "In a country town we take

them to a tavern; here in Paris, they are treated with great respect during their lifetime, provided they are

"The gentleman is quite right", said Martin, "he tells you nothing but the truth. I happened to be at Paris when

Miss Monimia made her exit, as one may say, out of this world into another. She was refused what they call

here the rites of sepulture; that is to say, she was denied the privilege of rotting in a churchyard by the side of

all the beggars in the parish. They buried her at the corner of Burgundy Street, which must certainly have

"Lord!" said Martin, "what can be said to it? It is the way of these people. Figure to yourself all the

contradictions, all the inconsistencies possible, and you may meet with them in the government, the courts of

"Yes", replied the abbe, "but it is with anger in their hearts; they express all their complaints by loud bursts of

"Who was that great overgrown beast", said Candide, "who spoke so ill to me of the piece with which I was

"A very goodfornothing sort of a man I assure you", answered the abbe, "one who gets his livelihood by

abusing every new book and play that is written or performed; he dislikes much to see anyone meet with

success, like eunuchs, who detest everyone that possesses those powers they are deprived of; he is one of

those vipers in literature who nourish themselves with their own venom; a pamphletmonger."

Candide, Martin, and the abbe of Perigord argued thus on the staircase, while they stood to see the people go

"Though I am very anxious to see Miss Cunegonde again", said Candide, "yet I have a great inclination to

The abbe was not a person to show his face at this lady's house, which was frequented by none but the best

"She is engaged this evening", said he, "but I will do myself the honor to introduce you to a lady of quality of

my acquaintance, at whose house you will see as much of the manners of Paris as if you had lived here for

Candide, who was naturally curious, suffered himself to be conducted to this lady's house, which was in the

suburbs of SaintHonore. The company was engaged at basser; twelve melancholy punters held each in his

hand a small pack of cards, the corners of which were doubled down, and were so many registers of their ill

fortune. A profound silence reigned throughout the assembly, a pallid dread had taken possession of the

countenances of the punters, and restless inquietude stretched every muscle of the face of him who kept the

bank; and the lady of the house, who was seated next to him, observed with lynx's eyes every play made, and

noted those who tallied, and made them undouble their cards with a severe exactness, though mixed with a

politeness, which she thought necessary not to frighten away her customers. This lady assumed the title of

Marchioness of Parolignac. Her daughter, a girl of about fifteen years of age, was one of the punters, and took

care to give her mamma a hint, by signs, when any one of the players attempted to repair the rigor of their ill

fortune by a little innocent deception. The company were thus occupied when Candide, Martin, and the abbe

made their entrance; not a creature rose to salute them, or indeed took the least notice of them, being wholly

"Ah!" said Candide, "My Lady Baroness of Thundertentronckh would have behaved more civilly."

However, the abbe whispered in the ear of the Marchioness, who half raising herself from her seat, honored

Candide with a gracious smile, and gave Martin a nod of her head, with an air of inexpressible dignity. She

then ordered a seat for Candide, and desired him to make one of their party at play; he did so, and in a few

deals lost near a thousand pieces; after which they supped very elegantly, and everyone was surprised at

seeing Candide lose so much money without appearing to be the least disturbed at it. The servants in waiting

The supper was like most others of its kind in Paris. At first everyone was silent; then followed a few

confused murmurs, and afterwards several insipid jokes passed and repassed, with false reports, false

reasonings, a little politics, and a great deal of scandal. The conversation then turned upon the new

"Pray", said the abbe, "good folks, have you seen the romance written by a certain Gauchat, Doctor of

"Yes", answered one of the company, "but I had not patience to go through it. The town is pestered with a

swarm of impertinent productions, but this of Dr. Gauchat's outdoes them all. In short, I was so cursedly tired

of reading this vile stuff that I even resolved to come here, and make a party at basset."

"But what say you to the archdeacon T's miscellaneous collection", said the abbe.

"Oh my God!" cried the Marchioness of Parolignac, "never mention the tedious creature! Only think what

pains he is at to tell one things that all the world knows; and how he labors an argument that is hardly worth

the slightest consideration! how absurdly he makes use of other people's wit! how miserably he mangles what

he has pilfered from them! The man makes me quite sick! A few pages of the good archdeacon are enough in

There was at the table a person of learning and taste, who supported what the Marchioness had advanced.

They next began to talk of tragedies. The lady desired to know how it came about that there were several

tragedies, which still continued to be played, though they would not bear reading? The man of taste explained

very clearly how a piece may be in some manner interesting without having a grain of merit. He showed, in a

few words, that it is not sufficient to throw together a few incidents that are to be met with in every romance,

and that to dazzle the spectator the thoughts should be new, without being farfetched; frequently sublime, but

always natural; the author should have a thorough knowledge of the human heart and make it speak properly;

he should be a complete poet, without showing an affectation of it in any of the characters of his piece; he

should be a perfect master of his language, speak it with all its purity, and with the utmost harmony, and yet

"Whoever", added he, "neglects any one of these rules, though he may write two or three tragedies with

tolerable success, will never be reckoned in the number of good authors. There are very few good tragedies;

some are idylls, in very wellwritten and harmonious dialogue; and others a chain of political reasonings that

set one asleep, or else pompous and highflown amplification, that disgust rather than please. Others again

are the ravings of a madman, in an uncouth style, unmeaning flights, or long apostrophes to the deities, for

want of knowing how to address mankind; in a word a collection of false maxims and dull commonplace."

Candide listened to this discourse with great attention, and conceived a high opinion of the person who

delivered it; and as the Marchioness had taken care to place him near her side, he took the liberty to whisper

"He is a man of letters", replied Her Ladyship, "who never plays, and whom the abbe brings with him to my

house sometimes to spend an evening. He is a great judge of writing, especially in tragedy; he has composed

one himself, which was damned, and has written a book that was never seen out of his bookseller's shop,

excepting only one copy, which he sent me with a dedication, to which he had prefixed my name."

Then turning towards him, "Sir", said he, "you are doubtless of opinion that everything is for the best in the

"I, sir!" replied the man of letters, "I think no such thing, I assure you; I find that all in this world is set the

wrong end uppermost. No one knows what is his rank, his office, nor what he does, nor what he should do.

With the exception of our evenings, which we generally pass tolerably merrily, the rest of our time is spent in

idle disputes and quarrels, Jansenists against Molinists, the Parliament against the Church, and one armed

body of men against another; courtier against courtier, husband against wife, and relations against relations.

"Yes", said Candide, "and I have seen worse than all that; and yet a learned man, who had the misfortune to

be hanged, taught me that everything was marvelously well, and that these evils you are speaking of were

"Your hempen sage", said Martin, "laughed at you; these shades, as you call them, are most horrible

"The men make these blemishes", rejoined Candide, "and they cannot do otherwise."

The greatest part of the gamesters, who did not understand a syllable of this discourse, amused themselves

with drinking, while Martin reasoned with the learned gentleman and Candide entertained the lady of the

After supper the Marchioness conducted Candide into her dressingroom, and made him sit down under a

"Well", said she, "are you still so violently fond of Miss Cunegonde of Thundertentronckh?"

The Marchioness said to him with a tender smile, "You answer me like a young man born in Westphalia; a

Frenchman would have said, 'It is true, madam, I had a great passion for Miss Cunegonde; but since I have

"You fell in love with her, I find, in stooping to pick up her handkerchief which she had dropped; you shall

"Look ye, young man", said the Marchioness, "you are a stranger; I make some of my lovers here in Paris

languish for me a whole fortnight; but I surrender to you at first sight, because I am willing to do the honors

The fair one having cast her eye on two very large diamonds that were upon the young stranger's finger,

praised them in so earnest a manner that they were in an instant transferred from his finger to hers.

As Candide was going home with the abbe he felt some qualms of conscience for having been guilty of

infidelity to Miss Cunegonde. The abbe took part with him in his uneasiness; he had but an inconsiderable

share in the thousand pieces Candide had lost at play, and the two diamonds which had been in a manner

extorted from him; and therefore very prudently designed to make the most he could of his new acquaintance,

which chance had thrown in his way. He talked much of Miss Cunegonde, and Candide assured him that he

would heartily ask pardon of that fair one for his infidelity to her, when he saw her at Venice.

The abbe redoubled his civilities and seemed to interest himself warmly in everything that Candide said, did,

"Yes, Monsieur l'Abbe", answered Candide, "I must absolutely wait upon Miss Cunegonde", and then the

pleasure he took in talking about the object he loved, led him insensibly to relate, according to custom, part of

"I fancy", said the abbe, "Miss Cunegonde has a great deal of wit, and that her letters must be very

"I never received any from her", said Candide; "for you are to consider that, being expelled from the castle

upon her account, I could not write to her, especially as soon after my departure I heard she was dead; but

thank God I found afterwards she was living. I left her again after this, and now I have sent a messenger to

her near two thousand leagues from here, and wait here for his return with an answer from her."

The artful abbe let not a word of all this escape him, though he seemed to be musing upon something else. He

soon took his leave of the two adventurers, after having embraced them with the greatest cordiality.

The next morning, almost as soon as his eyes were open, Candide received the following billet:

"My Dearest Lover I have been ill in this city these eight days. I have heard of your arrival, and should fly

to your arms were I able to stir. I was informed of your being on the way hither at Bordeaux, where I left the

faithful Cacambo, and the old woman, who will soon follow me. The Governor of Buenos Ayres has taken

everything from me but your heart, which I still retain. Come to me immediately on the receipt of this. Your

At the receipt of this charming, this unexpected letter, Candide felt the utmost transports of joy; though, on

the other hand, the indisposition of his beloved Miss Cunegonde overwhelmed him with grief. Distracted

between these two passions he took his gold and his diamonds, and procured a person to conduct him and

Martin to the house where Miss Cunegonde lodged. Upon entering the room he felt his limbs tremble, his

heart flutter, his tongue falter; he attempted to undraw the curtain, and called for a light to the bedside.

"Lord sir", cried a maidservant, who was waiting in the room, "take care what you do, Miss cannot bear the

"Cunegonde! my dear cried Candide, bathed in tears, "how do you do? If you cannot bear the light, speak to

The sick lady then put a plump hand out of the bed and Candide first bathed it with tears, then filled it with

In the midst of his transports came an officer into the room, followed by the abbe, and a file of musketeers.

"There", said he, "are the two suspected foreigners." At the same time he ordered them to be seized and

"Travelers are not treated in this manner in the country of El Dorado", said Candide.

When Martin had a little recovered himself, so as to form a cool judgment of what had passed, he plainly

perceived that the person who had acted the part of Miss Cunegonde was a cheat; that the abbe of Perigord

was a sharper who had imposed upon the honest simplicity of Candide, and that the officer was a knave,

Candide following the advice of his friend Martin, and burning with impatience to see the real Miss

Cunegonde, rather than be obliged to appear at a court of justice, proposed to the officer to make him a

"Ah, sir", said the understrapper of justice, "had you commited ever so much villainy, this would render you

the honestest man living, in my eyes. Three diamonds worth three thousand pistoles! Why, my dear sir, so far

from carrying you to jail, I would lose my life to serve you. There are orders for stopping all strangers; but

leave it to me, I have a brother at Dieppe, in Normandy. I myself will conduct you thither, and if you have a

The abbe of Perigord made answer that it was because a poor devil of the country of Atrebata heard

somebody tell foolish stories, and this induced him to commit a parricide; not such a one as that in the month

of May, 1610, but such as that in the month of December in the year 1594, and such as many that have been

perpetrated in other months and years, by other poor devils who had heard foolish stories.

"Horrid monsters", exclaimed Candide, "is it possible that such scenes should pass among a people who are

perpetually singing and dancing? Is there no flying this abominable country immediately, this execrable

kingdom where monkeys provoke tigers? I have seen bears in my country, but men I have beheld nowhere

but in El Dorado. In the name of God, sir", said he to the officer, "do me the kindness to conduct me to

"Really, sir", replied the officer, "I cannot possibly wait on you farther than Lower Normandy."

So saying, he ordered Candide's irons to be struck off, acknowledged himself mistaken, and sent his

followers about their business, after which he conducted Candide and Martin to Dieppe, and left them to the

There happened just then to be a small Dutch ship in the harbor. The Norman, whom the other three

diamonds had converted into the most obliging, serviceable being that ever breathed, took care to see

Candide and his attendants safe on board this vessel, that was just ready to sail for Portsmouth in England.

This was not the nearest way to Venice, indeed, but Candide thought himself escaped out of Hell, and did not,

in the least, doubt but he should quickly find an opportunity of resuming his voyage to Venice.

Ah Pangloss! Pangloss! ah Martin! ah my dear Miss Cunegonde! What sort of a world is this?" Thus

"You are acquainted with England", said Candide; "are they as great fools in that country as in France?"

"Yes, but in a different manner", answered Martin. "You know that these two nations are at war about a few

acres of barren land in the neighborhood of Canada, and that they have expended much greater sums in the

contest than all Canada is worth. To say exactly whether there are a greater number fit to be inhabitants of a

madhouse in the one country than the other, exceeds the limits of my imperfect capacity; I know in general

that the people we are going to visit are of a very dark and gloomy disposition."

As they were chatting thus together they arrived at Portsmouth. The shore on each side the harbor was lined

with a multitude of people, whose eyes were steadfastly fixed on a lusty man who was kneeling down on the

deck of one of the menofwar, with something tied before his eyes. Opposite to this personage stood four

soldiers, each of whom shot three bullets into his skull, with all the composure imaginable; and when it was

"What the devil is all this for?" said Candide, "and what demon, or foe of mankind, lords it thus tyrannically

He then asked who was that lusty man who had been sent out of the world with so much ceremony. When he

"Because he did not put a sufficient number of his fellow creatures to death. You must know, he had an

engagement with a French admiral, and it has been proved against him that he was not near enough to his

"There is no doubt of that; but in this country it is found requisite, now and then, to put an admiral to death, in

Candide was so shocked at what he saw and heard, that he would not set foot on shore, but made a bargain

with the Dutch skipper (were he even to rob him like the captain of Surinam) to carry him directly to Venice.

The skipper was ready in two days. They sailed along the coast of France, and passed within sight of Lisbon,

at which Candide trembled. From thence they proceeded to the Straits, entered the Mediterranean, and at

"God be praised", said Candide, embracing Martin, "this is the place where I am to behold my beloved

Cunegonde once again. I can confide in Cacambo, like another self. All is well, all is very well, all is well as

Upon their arrival at Venice Candide went in search of Cacambo at every inn and coffeehouse, and among

all the ladies of pleasure, but could hear nothing of him. He sent every day to inquire what ships were in, still

"It is strange", said he to Martin, "very strange that I should have time to sail from Surinam to Bordeaux; to

travel thence to Paris, to Dieppe, to Portsmouth; to sail along the coast of Portugal and Spain, and up the

Mediterranean to spend some months at Venice; and that my lovely Cunegonde should not have arrived.

Instead of her, I only met with a Parisian impostor, and a rascally abbe of Perigord. Cunegonde is actually

dead, and I have nothing to do but follow her. Alas! how much better would it have been for me to have

remained in the paradise of El Dorado than to have returned to this cursed Europe! You are in the right, my

He fell into a deep melancholy, and neither went to the opera then in vogue, nor partook of any of the

Martin said to him, "Upon my word, I think you are very simple to imagine that a rascally valet, with five or

six millions in his pocket, would go in search of your mistress to the further of the world, and bring her to

Venice to meet you. If he finds her he will take her for himself; if he does not, he will take another. Let me

Martin's speech was not the most consolatory to the dejected Candide. His melancholy increased, and Martin

never ceased trying to prove to him that there is very little virtue or happiness in this world; except, perhaps,

While they were disputing on this important subject, and still expecting Miss Cunegonde, Candide perceived

a young Theatin friar in the Piazza San Marco, with a girl under his arm. The Theatin looked freshcolored,

plump, and vigorous; his eyes sparkled; his air and gait were bold and lofty. The girl was pretty, and was

singing a song; and every now and then gave her Theatin an amorous ogle and wantonly pinched his ruddy

"You will at least allow", said Candide to Martin, "that these two are happy. Hitherto I have met with none

but unfortunate people in the whole habitable globe, except in El Dorado; but as to this couple, I would

"Well, we have only to ask them to dine with us", said Candide, "and you will see whether I am mistaken or

Thereupon he accosted them, and with great politeness invited them to his inn to eat some macaroni, with

Lombard partridges and caviar, and to drink a bottle of Montepulciano, Lacryma Christi, Cyprus, and Samos

wine. The girl blushed; the Theatin accepted the invitation and she followed him, eyeing Candide every now

and then with a mixture of surprise and confusion, while the tears stole down her cheeks. No sooner did she

enter his apartment than she cried out, "How, Monsieur Candide, have you quite forgot your Pacquette? do

Candide had not regarded her with any degree of attention before, being wholly occupied with the thoughts of

"Ah! is it you, child? was it you that reduced Dr. Pangloss to that fine condition I saw him in?"

"Alas! sir", answered Pacquette, "it was I, indeed. I find you are acquainted with everything; and I have been

informed of all the misfortunes that happened to the whole family of My Lady Baroness and the fair

Cunegonde. But I can safely swear to you that my lot was no less deplorable; I was innocence itself when you

saw me last. A Franciscan, who was my confessor, easily seduced me; the consequences proved terrible. I

was obliged to leave the castle some time after the Baron kicked you out by the backside from there; and if a

famous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I had been a dead woman. Gratitude obliged me to live

with him some time as his mistress; his wife, who was a very devil for jealousy, beat me unmercifully every

day. Oh! she was a perfect fury. The doctor himself was the most ugly of all mortals, and I the most wretched

creature existing, to be continually beaten for a man whom I did not love. You are sensible, sir, how

dangerous it was for an illnatured woman to be married to a physician. Incensed at the behavior of his wife,

he one day gave her so affectionate a remedy for a slight cold she had caught that she died in less than two

hours in most dreadful convulsions. Her relations prosecuted the husband, who was obliged to fly, and I was

sent to prison. My innocence would not have saved me, if I had not been tolerably handsome. The judge gave

me my liberty on condition he should succeed the doctor. However, I was soon supplanted by a rival, turned

off without a farthing, and obliged to continue the abominable trade which you men think so pleasing, but

which to us unhappy creatures is the most dreadful of all sufferings. At length I came to follow the business

at Venice. Ah! sir, did you but know what it is to be obliged to receive every visitor; old tradesmen,

counselors, monks, watermen, and abbes; to be exposed to all their insolence and abuse; to be often

necessitated to borrow a petticoat, only that it may be taken up by some disagreeable wretch; to be robbed by

one gallant of what we get from another; to be subject to the extortions of civil magistrates; and to have

forever before one's eyes the prospect of old age, a hospital, or a dunghill, you would conclude that I am one

Thus did Pacquette unbosom herself to honest Candide in his closet, in the presence of Martin, who took

Friar Giroflee was all this time in the parlor refreshing himself with a glass or two of wine till dinner was

"But", said Candide to Pacquette, "you looked so gay and contented, when I met you, you sang and caressed

the Theatin with so much fondness, that I absolutely thought you as happy as you say you are now

"Ah! dear sir", said Pacquette, "this is one of the miseries of the trade; yesterday I was stripped and beaten by

Candide was convinced and acknowledged that Martin was in the right. They sat down to table with

Pacquette and the Theatin; the entertainment was agreeable, and towards the end they began to converse

"Father", said Candide to the friar, "you seem to me to enjoy a state of happiness that even kings might envy;

joy and health are painted in your countenance. You have a pretty wench to divert you; and you seem to be

"Faith, sir", said Friar Giroflee, "I wish with all my soul the Theatins were every one of them at the bottom of

the sea. I have been tempted a thousand times to set fire to the monastery and go and turn Turk. My parents

obliged me, at the age of fifteen, to put on this detestable habit only to increase the fortune of an elder brother

of mine, whom God confound! jealousy, discord, and fury, reside in our monastery. It is true I have preached

often paltry sermons, by which I have got a little money, part of which the prior robs me of, and the

remainder helps to pay my girls; but, not withstanding, at night, when I go hence to my monastery, I am

ready to dash my brains against the walls of the dormitory; and this is the case with all the rest of our

Martin, turning towards Candide, with his usual indifference, said, "Well, what think you now? have I won

Candide gave two thousand piastres to Pacquette, and a thousand to Friar Giroflee, saying, "I will answer that

"I am not of your opinion", said Martin, "perhaps this money will only make them wretched."

"Be that as it may", said Candide, "one thing comforts me; I see that one often meets with those whom one

never expected to see again; so that, perhaps, as I have found my red sheep and Pacquette, I may be lucky

"You do not see them", answered Martin, "at home with their wives and brats. The doge has his chagrin,

gondoliers theirs. Nevertheless, in the main, I look upon the gondolier's life as preferable to that of the doge;

but the difference is so trifling that it is not worth the trouble of examining into."

"I have heard great talk", said Candide, "of the Senator Pococurante, who lives in that fine house at the

"They pretend this man is a perfect stranger to uneasiness. I should be glad to see so extraordinary a being",

Candide thereupon sent a messenger to Seignor Pococurante, desiring permission to wait on him the next day.

Candide and his friend Martin went in a gondola on the Brenta, and arrived at the palace of the noble

Pococurante. The gardens were laid out in elegant taste, and adorned with fine marble statues; his palace was

built after the most approved rules of architecture. The master of the house, who was a man of affairs, and

very rich, received our two travelers with great politeness, but without much ceremony, which somewhat

As soon as they were seated, two very pretty girls, neatly dressed, brought in chocolate, which was extremely

well prepared. Candide could not help praising their beauty and graceful carriage.

"The creatures are all right", said the senator; "I amuse myself with them sometimes, for I am heartily tired of

the women of the town, their coquetry, their jealousy, their quarrels, their humors, their meannesses, their

pride, and their folly; I am weary of making sonnets, or of paying for sonnets to be made on them; but after

After having refreshed himself, Candide walked into a large gallery, where he was struck with the sight of a

"They are by Raphael", answered the senator. "I gave a great deal of money for them seven years ago, purely

out of curiosity, as they were said to be the finest pieces in Italy; but I cannot say they please me: the coloring

is dark and heavy; the figures do not swell nor come out enough; and the drapery is bad. In short,

notwithstanding the encomiums lavished upon them, they are not, in my opinion, a true representation of

nature. I approve of no paintings save those wherein I think I behold nature itself; and there are few, if any, of

that kind to be met with. I have what is called a fine collection, but I take no manner of delight in it."

While dinner was being prepared Pococurante ordered a concert. Candide praised the music to the skies.

"This noise", said the noble Venetian, "may amuse one for a little time, but if it were to last above half an

hour, it would grow tiresome to everybody, though perhaps no one would care to own it. Music has become

the art of executing what is difficult; now, whatever is difficult cannot be long pleasing.

"I believe I might take more pleasure in an opera, if they had not made such a monster of that species of

dramatic entertainment as perfectly shocks me; and I am amazed how people can bear to see wretched

tragedies set to music; where the scenes are contrived for no other purpose than to lug in, as it were by the

ears, three or four ridiculous songs, to give a favorite actress an opportunity of exhibiting her pipe. Let who

will die away in raptures at the trills of a eunuch quavering the majestic part of Caesar or Cato, and strutting

in a foolish manner upon the stage, but for my part I have long ago renounced these paltry entertainments,

which constitute the glory of modern Italy, and are so dearly purchased by crowned heads."

Candide opposed these sentiments; but he did it in a discreet manner; as for Martin, he was entirely of the old

Dinner being served they sat down to table, and, after a hearty repast, returned to the library. Candide,

"This", said he, "is a book that was once the delight of the great Pangloss, the best philosopher in Germany."

"Homer is no favorite of mine", answered Pococurante, coolly, "I was made to believe once that I took a

pleasure in reading him; but his continual repetitions of battles have all such a resemblance with each other;

his gods that are forever in haste and bustle, without ever doing anything; his Helen, who is the cause of the

war, and yet hardly acts in the whole performance; his Troy, that holds out so long, without being taken: in

short, all these things together make the poem very insipid to me. I have asked some learned men, whether

they are not in reality as much tired as myself with reading this poet: those who spoke ingenuously, assured

me that he had made them fall asleep, and yet that they could not well avoid giving him a place in their

libraries; but that it was merely as they would do an antique, or those rusty medals which are kept only for

"But your excellency does not surely form the same opinion of Virgil?" said Candide.

"Why, I grant", replied Pococurante, "that the second, third, fourth, and sixth books of his Aeneid, are

excellent; but as for his pious Aeneas, his strong Cloanthus, his friendly Achates, his boy Ascanius, his silly

king Latinus, his illbred Amata, his insipid Lavinia, and some other characters much in the same strain, I

think there cannot in nature be anything more flat and disagreeable. I must confess I prefer Tasso far beyond

"May I take the liberty to ask if you do not experience great pleasure from reading Horace?" said Candide.

"There are maxims in this writer", replied Pococurante, "whence a man of the world may reap some benefit;

and the short measure of the verse makes them more easily to be retained in the memory. But I see nothing

extraordinary in his journey to Brundusium, and his account of his had dinner; nor in his dirty, low quarrel

between one Rupillius, whose words, as he expresses it, were full of poisonous filth; and another, whose

language was dipped in vinegar. His indelicate verses against old women and witches have frequently given

me great offense: nor can I discover the great merit of his telling his friend Maecenas, that if he will but rank

him in the class of lyric poets, his lofty head shall touch the stars. Ignorant readers are apt to judge a writer by

his reputation. For my part, I read only to please myself. I like nothing but what makes for my purpose."

Candide, who had been brought up with a notion of never making use of his own judgment, was astonished at

what he heard; but Martin found there was a good deal of reason in the senator's remarks.

"Oh! here is a Tully", said Candide; "this great man I fancy you are never tired of reading?"

"Indeed I never read him at all", replied Pococurante. "What is it to me whether he pleads for Rabirius or

Cluentius? I try causes enough myself. I had once some liking for his philosophical works; but when I found

he doubted everything, I thought I knew as much as himself, and had no need of a guide to learn ignorance."

"Ha!" cried Martin, "here are fourscore volumes of the memoirs of the Academy of Sciences; perhaps there

"Yes", answered Pococurante, "so there might if any one of these compilers of this rubbish had only invented

the art of pinmaking; but all these volumes are filled with mere chimerical systems, without one single

"I see a prodigious number of plays", said Candide, "in Italian, Spanish, and French."

"Yes", replied the Venetian, "there are I think three thousand, and not three dozen of them good for anything.

As to those huge volumes of divinity, and those enormous collections of sermons, they are not all together

worth one single page in Seneca; and I fancy you will readily believe that neither myself, nor anyone else,

Martin, perceiving some shelves filled with English books, said to the senator, "I fancy that a republican must

be highly delighted with those books, which are most of them written with a noble spirit of freedom."

"It is noble to write as we think", said Pococurante; "it is the privilege of humanity. Throughout Italy we

write only what we do not think; and the present inhabitants of the country of the Caesars and Antonines dare

not acquire a single idea without the permission of a Dominican father. I should be enamored of the spirit of

the English nation, did it not utterly frustrate the good effects it would produce by passion and the spirit of

Candide, seeing a Milton, asked the senator if he did not think that author a great man.

"Who?" said Pococurante sharply; "that barbarian who writes a tedious commentary in ten books of rumbling

verse, on the first chapter of Genesis? that slovenly imitator of the Greeks, who disfigures the creation, by

making the Messiah take a pair of compasses from Heaven's armory to plan the world; whereas Moses

represented the Diety as producing the whole universe by his fiat? Can I think you have any esteem for a

writer who has spoiled Tasso's Hell and the Devil; who transforms Lucifer sometimes into a toad, and at

others into a pygmy; who makes him say the same thing over again a hundred times; who metamorphoses

him into a schooldivine; and who, by an absurdly serious imitation of Ariosto's comic invention of firearms,

represents the devils and angels cannonading each other in Heaven? Neither I nor any other Italian can

possibly take pleasure in such melancholy reveries; but the marriage of Sin and Death, and snakes issuing

from the womb of the former, are enough to make any person sick that is not lost to all sense of delicacy.

This obscene, whimsical, and disagreeable poem met with the neglect it deserved at its first publication; and I

only treat the author now as he was treated in his own country by his contemporaries."

Candide was sensibly grieved at this speech, as he had a great respect for Homer, and was fond of Milton.

"Alas!" said he softly to Martin, "I am afraid this man holds our German poets in great contempt."

"O what a surprising man!" said Candide, still to himself; "what a prodigious genius is this Pococurante!

After finishing their survey of the library, they went down into the garden, when Candide commended the

"I know nothing upon earth laid out in such had taste", said Pococurante; "everything about it is childish and

As soon as our two travelers had taken leave of His Excellency, Candide said to Martin, "Well, I hope you

will own that this man is the happiest of all mortals, for he is above everything he possesses."

"But do not you see", answered Martin, "that he likewise dislikes everything he possesses? It was an

observation of Plato, long since, that those are not the best stomachs that reject, without distinction, all sorts

"True", said Candide, "but still there must certainly be a pleasure in criticising everything, and in perceiving

"Well, well", said Candide, "I find that I shall be the only happy man at last, when I am blessed with the sight

In the meanwhile, days and weeks passed away, and no news of Cacambo. Candide was so overwhelmed

with grief, that he did not reflect on the behavior of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee, who never stayed to return

One evening as Candide, with his attendant Martin, was going to sit down to supper with some foreigners

who lodged in the same inn where they had taken up their quarters, a man with a face the color of soot came

behind him, and taking him by the arm, said, "Hold yourself in readiness to go along with us; be sure you do

Upon this, turning about to see from whom these words came, he beheld Cacambo. Nothing but the sight of

Miss Cunegonde could have given him greater joy and surprise. He was almost beside himself, and embraced

"Cunegonde!" said he, "Cunegonde is come with you doubtless! Where, where is she? Carry me to her this

"Good heavens! in Constantinople! but no matter if she were in China, I would fly thither. Quick, quick, dear

"Soft and fair", said Cacambo, "stay till you have supped. I cannot at present stay to say anything more to

you; I am a slave, and my master waits for me; I must go and attend him at table: but mum! say not a word,

Candide, divided between joy and grief, charmed to have thus met with his faithful agent again, and surprised

to hear he was a slave, his heart palpitating, his senses confused, but full of the hopes of recovering his dear

Cunegonde, sat down to table with Martin, who beheld all these scenes with great unconcern, and with six

Cacambo waited at table upon one of those strangers. When supper was nearly over, he drew near to his

"Sire, Your Majesty may go when you please; the ship is ready"; and so saying he left the room.

The guests, surprised at what they had heard, looked at each other without speaking a word; when another

servant drawing near to his master, in like manner said, "Sire, Your Majesty's postchaise is at Padua, and the

The company all stared at each other again, and the general astonishment was increased. A third servant then

approached another of the strangers, and said, "Sire, if Your Majesty will be advised by me, you will not

make any longer stay in this place; I will go and get everything ready"; and instantly disappeared.

Candide and Martin then took it for granted that this was some of the diversions of the Carnival, and that

these were characters in masquerade. Then a fourth domestic said to the fourth stranger, "Your Majesty may

set off when you please"; saying which, he went away like the rest. A fifth valet said the same to a fifth

master. But the sixth domestic spoke in a different style to the person on whom he waited, and who sat near

"Troth, sir", said he, "they will trust Your Majesty no longer, nor myself neither; and we may both of us

chance to be sent to jail this very night; and therefore I shall take care of myself, and so adieu."

The servants being all gone, the six strangers, with Candide and Martin, remained in a profound silence. At

"Gentlemen, this is a very singular joke upon my word; how came you all to be kings? For my part I own

frankly, that neither my friend Martin here, nor myself, have any claim to royalty."

Cacambo's master then began, with great gravity, to deliver himself thus in Italian:

"I am not joking in the least, my name is Achmet III. I was Grand Sultan for many years; I dethroned my

brother, my nephew dethroned me, my viziers lost their heads, and I am condemned to end my days in the old

seraglio. My nephew, the Grand Sultan Mahomet, gives me permission to travel sometimes for my health,

"My name is Ivan. I was once Emperor of all the Russians, but was dethroned in my cradle. My parents were

confined, and I was brought up in a prison, yet I am sometimes allowed to travel, though always with persons

"I am Charles Edward, King of England; my father has renounced his right to the throne in my favor. I have

fought in defense of my rights, and near a thousand of my friends have had their hearts taken out of their

bodies alive and thrown in their faces. I have myself been confined in a prison. I am going to Rome to visit

the King, my father, who was dethroned as well as myself; and my grandfather and I have come to spend the

"I am the King of Poland; the fortune of war has stripped me of my hereditary dominions. My father

experienced the same vicissitudes of fate. I resign myself to the will of Providence, in the same manner as

Sultan Achmet, the Emperor Ivan, and King Charles Edward, whom God long preserve; and I have come to

"I am King of Poland also. I have twice lost my kingdom; but Providence has given me other dominions,

where I have done more good than all the Sarmatian kings put together were ever able to do on the banks of

the Vistula; I resign myself likewise to Providence; and have come to spend the Carnival at Venice."

It now came to the sixth monarch's turn to speak. "Gentlemen", said he, "I am not so great a prince as the rest

of you, it is true, but I am, however, a crowned head. I am Theodore, elected King of Corsica. I have had the

title of Majesty, and am now hardly treated with common civility. I have coined money, and am not now

worth a single ducat. I have had two secretaries, and am now without a valet. I was once seated on a throne,

and since that have lain upon a truss of straw, in a common jail in London, and I very much fear I shall meet

with the same fate here in Venice, where I came, like Your Majesties, to divert myself at the Carnival."

The other five Kings listened to this speech with great attention; it excited their compassion; each of them

made the unhappy Theodore a present of twenty sequins, and Candide gave him a diamond, worth just a

"Who can this private person be", said the five Kings to one another, "who is able to give, and has actually

Just as they rose from table, in came four Serene Highnesses, who had also been stripped of their territories

by the fortune of war, and had come to spend the remainder of the Carnival at Venice. Candide took no

manner of notice of them; for his thoughts were wholly employed on his voyage to Constantinople, where he

The trusty Cacambo had already engaged the captain of the Turkish ship that was to carry Sultan Achmet

back to Constantinople to take Candide and Martin on board. Accordingly they both embarked, after paying

their obeisance to his miserable Highness. As they were going on board, Candide said to Martin:

"You see we supped in company with six dethroned Kings, and to one of them I gave charity. Perhaps there

may be a great many other princes still more unfortunate. For my part I have lost only a hundred sheep, and

am now going to fly to the arms of my charming Miss Cunegonde. My dear Martin, I must insist on it, that

"But this was an odd adventure we met with at Venice. I do not think there ever was an instance before of six

"This is not more extraordinary", said Martin, "than most of what has happened to us. It is a very common

thing for kings to be dethroned; and as for our having the honor to sup with six of them, it is a mere accident,

As soon as Candide set his foot on board the vessel, he flew to his old friend and valet Cacambo and,

"Well", said he, "what news of Miss Cunegonde? Does she still continue the paragon of beauty? Does she

love me still? How does she do? You have, doubtless, purchased a superb palace for her at Constantinople."

"My dear master", replied Cacambo, "Miss Cunegonde washes dishes on the banks of the Propontis, in the

house of a prince who has very few to wash. She is at present a slave in the family of an ancient sovereign

named Ragotsky, whom the Grand Turk allows three crowns a day to maintain him in his exile; but the most

"Ugly or handsome", said Candide, "I am a man of honor and, as such, am obliged to love her still. But how

could she possibly have been reduced to so abject a condition, when I sent five or six millions to her by you?"

"Lord bless me", said Cacambo, "was not I obliged to give two millions to Seignor Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y

Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, for liberty to take Miss

Cunegonde away with me? And then did not a brave fellow of a pirate gallantly strip us of all the rest? And

then did not this same pirate carry us with him to Cape Matapan, to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, to Petra, to

the Dardanelles, to Marmora, to Scutari? Miss Cunegonde and the old woman are now servants to the prince I

"What a chain of shocking accidents!" exclaimed Candide. "But after all, I have still some diamonds left,

with which I can easily procure Miss Cunegonde's liberty. It is a pity though she is grown so ugly."

Then turning to Martin, "What think you, friend", said he, "whose condition is most to be pitied, the Emperor

"Faith, I cannot resolve your question", said Martin, "unless I had been in the breasts of you all."

"Ah!" cried Candide, "was Pangloss here now, he would have known, and satisfied me at once."

"I know not", said Martin, "in what balance your Pangloss could have weighed the misfortunes of mankind,

and have set a just estimation on their sufferings. All that I pretend to know of the matter is that there are

millions of men on the earth, whose conditions are a hundred times more pitiable than those of King Charles

In a few days they reached the Bosphorus; and the first thing Candide did was to pay a high ransom for

Cacambo; then, without losing time, he and his companions went on board a galley, in order to search for his

There were two slaves among the crew of the galley, who rowed very ill, and to whose bare backs the master

of the vessel frequently applied a lash. Candide, from natural sympathy, looked at these two slaves more

attentively than at any of the rest, and drew near them with an eye of pity. Their features, though greatly

disfigured, appeared to him to bear a strong resemblance with those of Pangloss and the unhappy Baron

Jesuit, Miss Cunegonde's brother. This idea affected him with grief and compassion: he examined them more

"In troth", said he, turning to Martin, "if I had not seen my master Pangloss fairly hanged, and had not myself

been unlucky enough to run the Baron through the body, I should absolutely think those two rowers were the

No sooner had Candide uttered the names of the Baron and Pangloss, than the two slaves gave a great cry,

ceased rowing, and let fall their oars out of their hands. The master of the vessel, seeing this, ran up to them,

"Hold, hold", cried Candide, "I will give you what money you shall ask for these two persons."

"Do I dream", said Candide, "or am I awake? Am I actually on board this galley? Is this My Lord the Baron,

"My dear sir", said Candide to the master of the galley, "how much do you ask for the ransom of the Baron of

Thundertentronckh, who is one of the first barons of the empire, and of Monsieur Pangloss, the most

"Why, then, Christian cur", replied the Turkish captain, "since these two dogs of Christian slaves are barons

and metaphysicians, who no doubt are of high rank in their own country, thou shalt give me fifty thousand

"You shall have them, sir; carry me back as quick as thought to Constantinople, and you shall receive the

The captain, upon Candide's first proposal, had already tacked about, and he made the crew ply their oars so

effectually, that the vessel flew through the water, quicker than a bird cleaves the air.

Candide bestowed a thousand embraces on the Baron and Pangloss. "And so then, my dear Baron, I did not

kill you? and you, my dear Pangloss, are come to life again after your hanging? But how came you slaves on

Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to them; they embraced each other, and all spoke together. The

galley flew like lightning, and soon they were got back to port. Candide instantly sent for a Jew, to whom he

sold for fifty thousand sequins a diamond richly worth one hundred thousand, though the fellow swore to him

all the time by Father Abraham that he gave him the most he could possibly afford. He no sooner got the

money into his hands, than he paid it down for the ransom of the Baron and Pangloss. The latter flung himself

at the feet of his deliverer, and bathed him with his tears; the former thanked him with a gracious nod, and

"Nothing is more possible", answered Cacambo, "for she scours the dishes in the house of a Transylvanian

Candide sent directly for two Jews, and sold more diamonds to them; and then he set out with his companions

Pardon", said Candide to the Baron; "once more let me entreat your pardon, Reverend Father, for running you

"Say no more about it", replied the Baron. "I was a little too hasty I must own; but as you seem to be desirous

to know by what accident I came to be a slave on board the galley where you saw me, I will inform you.

After I had been cured of the wound you gave me, by the College apothecary, I was attacked and carried off

by a party of Spanish troops, who clapped me in prison in Buenos Ayres, at the very time my sister was

setting out from there. I asked leave to return to Rome, to the general of my Order, who appointed me

chaplain to the French Ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been a week in my new office, when I

happened to meet one evening a young Icoglan, extremely handsome and wellmade. The weather was very

hot; the young man had an inclination to bathe. I took the opportunity to bathe likewise. I did not know it was

a crime for a Christian to be found naked in company with a young Turk. A cadi ordered me to receive a

hundred blows on the soles of my feet, and sent me to the galleys. I do not believe that there was ever an act

of more flagrant injustice. But I would fain know how my sister came to be a scullion to a Transylvanian

"It is true", answered Pangloss, "you saw me hanged, though I ought properly to have been burned; but you

may remember, that it rained extremely hard when they were going to roast me. The storm was so violent that

they found it impossible to light the fire; so they hanged me because they could do no better. A surgeon

purchased my body, carried it home, and prepared to dissect me. He began by making a crucial incision from

my navel to the clavicle. It is impossible for anyone to have been more lamely hanged than I had been. The

executioner was a subdeacon, and knew how to burn people very well, but as for hanging, he was a novice at

it, being quite out of practice; the cord being wet, and not slipping properly, the noose did not join. In short, I

still continued to breathe; the crucial incision made me scream to such a degree, that my surgeon fell flat

upon his back; and imagining it was the Devil he was dissecting, ran away, and in his fright tumbled down

stairs. His wife hearing the noise, flew from the next room, and seeing me stretched upon the table with my

crucial incision, was still more terrified than her husband, and fell upon him. When they had a little recovered

themselves, I heard her say to her husband, 'My dear, how could you think of dissecting a heretic? Don't you

know that the Devil is always in them? I'll run directly to a priest to come and drive the evil spirit out.' I

trembled from head to foot at hearing her talk in this manner, and exerted what little strength I had left to cry

out, 'Have mercy on me!' At length the Portuguese barber took courage, sewed up my wound, and his wife

nursed me; and I was upon my legs in a fortnight's time. The barber got me a place to be lackey to a Knight

of Malta, who was going to Venice; but finding my master had no money to pay me my wages, I entered into

"One day I happened to enter a mosque, where I saw no one but an old man and a very pretty young female

devotee, who was telling her beads; her neck was quite bare, and in her bosom she had a beautiful nosegay of

tulips, roses, anemones, ranunculuses, hyacinths, and auriculas; she let fall her nosegay. I ran immediately to

take it up, and presented it to her with a most respectful bow. I was so long in delivering it that the man began

to be angry; and, perceiving I was a Christian, he cried out for help; they carried me before the cadi, who

ordered me to receive one hundred bastinadoes, and sent me to the galleys. I was chained in the very galley

and to the very same bench with the Baron. On board this galley there were four young men belonging to

Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks of Corfu, who told us that the like adventures happened

every day. The Baron pretended that he had been worse used than myself; and I insisted that there was far

less harm in taking up a nosegay, and putting it into a woman's bosom, than to be found stark naked with a

young Icoglan. We were continually whipped, and received twenty lashes a day with a heavy thong, when the

concatenation of sublunary events brought you on board our galley to ransom us from slavery."

"Well, my dear Pangloss", said Candide to him, "when You were hanged, dissected, whipped, and tugging at

the oar, did you continue to think that everything in this world happens for the best?"

"I have always abided by my first opinion", answered Pangloss; "for, after all, I am a philosopher, and it

would not become me to retract my sentiments; especially as Leibnitz could not be in the wrong: and that

preestablished harmony is the finest thing in the world, as well as a plenum and the materia subtilis."

While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and Cacambo, were relating their several adventures, and

reasoning on the contingent or noncontingent events of this world; on causes and effects; on moral and

physical evil; on free will and necessity; and on the consolation that may be felt by a person when a slave and

chained to an oar in a Turkish galley, they arrived at the house of the Transylvanian prince on the shores of

the Propontis. The first objects they beheld there, were Miss Cunegonde and the old woman, who were

The Baron turned pale at the sight. Even the tender Candide, that affectionate lover, upon seeing his fair

Cunegonde all sunburned, with bleary eyes, a withered neck, wrinkled face and arms, all covered with a red

scurf, started back with horror; but, not withstanding, recovering himself, he advanced towards her out of

good manners. She embraced Candide and her brother; they embraced the old woman, and Candide ransomed

There was a small farm in the neighborhood which the old woman proposed to Candide to make shift with till

the company should meet with a more favorable destiny. Cunegonde, not knowing that she was grown ugly,

as no one had informed her of it, reminded Candide of his promise in so peremptory a manner, that the simple

lad did not dare to refuse her; he then acquainted the Baron that he was going to marry his sister.

"I will never suffer", said the Baron, "my sister to be guilty of an action so derogatory to her birth and family;

nor will I bear this insolence on your part. No, I never will be reproached that my nephews are not qualified

for the first ecclesiastical dignities in Germany; nor shall a sister of mine ever be the wife of any person

Cunegonde flung herself at her brother's feet, and bedewed them with her tears; but he still continued

"Thou foolish fellow, said Candide, "have I not delivered thee from the galleys, paid thy ransom, and thy

sister's, too, who was a scullion, and is very ugly, and yet condescend to marry her? and shalt thou pretend to

oppose the match! If I were to listen only to the dictates of my anger, I should kill thee again."

"Thou mayest kill me again", said the Baron; "but thou shalt not marry my sister while I am living."

Candide had, in truth, no great inclination to marry Miss Cunegonde; but the extreme impertinence of the

Baron determined him to conclude the match; and Cunegonde pressed him so warmly, that he could not

recant. He consulted Pangloss, Martin, and the faithful Cacambo. Pangloss composed a fine memorial, by

which he proved that the Baron had no right over his sister; and that she might, according to all the laws of

the Empire, marry Candide with the left hand. Martin concluded to throw the Baron into the sea; Cacambo

decided that he must be delivered to the Turkish captain and sent to the galleys; after which he should be

conveyed by the first ship to the Father General at Rome. This advice was found to be good; the old woman

approved of it, and not a syllable was said to his sister; the business was executed for a little money; and they

had the pleasure of tricking a Jesuit, and punishing the pride of a German baron.

It was altogether natural to imagine, that after undergoing so many disasters, Candide, married to his mistress

and living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the prudent Cacambo, and the old woman,

having besides brought home so many diamonds from the country of the ancient Incas, would lead the most

agreeable life in the world. But he had been so robbed by the Jews, that he had nothing left but his little farm;

his wife, every day growing more and more ugly, became headstrong and insupportable; the old woman was

infirm, and more illnatured yet than Cunegonde. Cacambo, who worked in the garden, and carried the

produce of it to sell in Constantinople, was above his labor, and cursed his fate. Pangloss despaired of making

a figure in any of the German universities. And as to Martin, he was firmly persuaded that a person is equally

Candide, Martin, and Pangloss disputed sometimes about metaphysics and morality. Boats were often seen

passing under the windows of the farm laden with effendis, bashaws, and cadis, that were going into

banishment to Lemnos, Mytilene and Erzerum. And other cadis, bashaws, and effendis were seen coming

back to succeed the place of the exiles, and were driven out in their turns. They saw several heads curiously

stuck upon poles, and carried as presents to the Sublime Porte. Such sights gave occasion to frequent

dissertations; and when no disputes were in progress, the irksomeness was so excessive that the old woman

"I would be glad to know which is worst, to be ravished a hundred times by Negro pirates, to have one

buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet among the Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an autodafe, to be

dissected, to be chained to an oar in a galley; and, in short, to experience all the miseries through which every

This discourse gave birth to new reflections, and Martin especially concluded that man was born to live in the

convulsions of disquiet, or in the lethargy of idleness. Though Candide did not absolutely agree to this, yet he

did not determine anything on that head. Pangloss avowed that he had undergone dreadful sufferings; but

having once maintained that everything went on as well as possible, he still maintained it, and at the same

There was one thing which more than ever confirmed Martin in his detestable principles, made Candide

hesitate, and embarrassed Pangloss, which was the arrival of Pacquette and Brother Giroflee one day at their

farm. This couple had been in the utmost distress; they had very speedily made away with their three

thousand piastres; they had parted, been reconciled; quarreled again, been thrown into prison; had made their

escape, and at last Brother Giroflee had turned Turk. Pacquette still continued to follow her trade; but she got

"I foresaw very well", said Martin to Candide "that your presents would soon be squandered, and only make

them more miserable. You and Cacambo have spent millions of piastres, and yet you are not more happy than

"Ah!" said Pangloss to Pacquette, "it is Heaven that has brought you here among us, my poor child! Do you

know that you have cost me the tip of my nose, one eye, and one ear? What a handsome shape is here! and

This new adventure engaged them more deeply than ever in philosophical disputations.

In the neighborhood lived a famous dervish who passed for the best philosopher in Turkey; they went to

"Master, we come to entreat you to tell us why so strange an animal as man has been formed?"

"Why do you trouble your head about it?" said the dervish; "is it any business of yours?"

"But, Reverend Father", said Candide, "there is a horrible deal of evil on the earth."

"What signifies it", said the dervish, "whether there is evil or good? When His Highness sends a ship to

Egypt does he trouble his head whether the rats in the vessel are at their ease or not?"

"I flattered myself", replied Pangloss, "to have reasoned a little with you on the causes and effects, on the best

of possible worlds, the origin of evil, the nature of the soul, and a preestablished harmony."

During this conversation, news was spread abroad that two viziers of the bench and the mufti had just been

strangled at Constantinople, and several of their friends impaled. This catastrophe made a great noise for

some hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, as they were returning to the little farm, met with a

goodlooking old man, who was taking the air at his door, under an alcove formed of the boughs of orange

trees. Pangloss, who was as inquisitive as he was disputative, asked him what was the name of the mufti who

"I cannot tell", answered the good old man; "I never knew the name of any mufti, or vizier breathing. I am

entirely ignorant of the event you speak of; I presume that in general such as are concerned in public affairs

sometimes come to a miserable end; and that they deserve it: but I never inquire what is doing at

Constantinople; I am contented with sending thither the produce of my garden, which I cultivate with my

After saying these words, he invited the strangers to come into his house. His two daughters and two sons

presented them with divers sorts of sherbet of their own making; besides caymac, heightened with the peels

of candied citrons, oranges, lemons, pineapples, pistachio nuts, and Mocha coffee unadulterated with the bad

coffee of Batavia or the American islands. After which the two daughters of this good Mussulman perfumed

"I have no more than twenty acres of ground", he replied, "the whole of which I cultivate myself with the

help of my children; and our labor keeps off from us three great evilsidleness, vice, and want."

Candide, as he was returning home, made profound reflections on the Turk's discourse.

"This good old man", said he to Pangloss and Martin, "appears to me to have chosen for himself a lot much

"Human grandeur", said Pangloss, "is very dangerous, if we believe the testimonies of almost all

philosophers; for we find Eglon, King of Moab, was assassinated by Aod; Absalom was hanged by the hair of

his head, and run through with three darts; King Nadab, son of Jeroboam, was slain by Baaza; King Ela by

Zimri; Okosias by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings Jehooiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were led into

captivity: I need not tell you what was the fate of Croesus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus,

Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar, Pompey, Nero, Otho, Vitellius, Domitian, Richard II of

England, Edward II, Henry VI, Richard Ill, Mary Stuart, Charles I, the three Henrys of France, and the

"Neither need you tell me", said Candide, "that we must take care of our garden."

"You are in the right", said Pangloss; "for when man was put into the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to

"Work then without disputing", said Martin; "it is the only way to render life supportable."

The little society, one and all, entered into this laudable design and set themselves to exert their different

talents. The little piece of ground yielded them a plentiful crop. Cunegonde indeed was very ugly, but she

became an excellent hand at pastrywork: Pacquette embroidered; the old woman had the care of the linen.

There was none, down to Brother Giroflee, but did some service; he was a very good carpenter, and became

"There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked

out of a fine castle for the love of Miss Cunegonde; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had you not

traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron through the body; and had you not lost all your

sheep, which you brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been here to eat