Crotchet Castle ....................................................................................................................................................1

Thomas Love Peacock.............................................................................................................................1

Le monde est plein de fous, et qui n'en veut pas voir Doit se tenir tout seul, et casser son miroir,

Should once the world resolve to abolish All that's ridiculous and foolish, It would have nothing left to do, To

IN ONE of those beautiful vallies, through which the Thames (not yet polluted by the tide, the scouring of

cities, or even the minor defilement of the sandy streams of Surrey,) rolls a clear flood through flowery

meadows, under the shade of old beech woods, and the smooth mossy greensward of the chalk hills (which

pour into it their tributary rivulets, as pure and pellucid as the fountain of Bandusium, or the wells of

Scamander, by which the wives and daughters of the Trojans washed their splendid garments in the days of

peace, before the coming of the Greeks); in one of those beautiful vallies, on a bold roundsurfaced lawn,

spotted with juniper, that opened itself in the bosom of an old wood, which rose with a steep, but not

precipitous ascent, from the river to the summit of the hill, stood the castellated villa of a retired citizen.

Ebenezer Mac Crotchet, Esquire, was the Londonborn offspring of a worthy native of the 'north countrie,'

who had walked up to London on a commercial adventure, with all his surplus capital, not very neatly tied up

in a not very clean handkerchief, suspended over his shoulder from the end of a hooked stick, extracted from

the first hedge on his pilgrimage; and who, after having worked himself a step or two up the ladder of life,

had won the virgin heart of the only daughter of a highly respectable merchant of Duke's Place, with whom

he inherited the honest fruits of a long series of ingenuous dealings. Mr Mac Crotchet had derived from his

mother the instinct, and from his father the rational principle, of enriching himself at the expense of the rest

of mankind, by all the recognised modes of accumulation on the windy side of the law. After passing many

years in the alley, watching the turn of the market, and playing many games almost as desperate as that of the

soldier of Lucullus, the fear of losing what he had so righteously gained predominated over the sacred thirst

of papermoney; his caution got the better of his instincts or rather transferred it from the department of

acquisition to that of conservation. His friend, Mr Ramsbottom, the zodiacal mythologist, told him that he

had done well to withdraw from the region of Uranus or Brahma, the maker, to that of Saturn or Veeshnu, the

preserver, before he fell under the eye of Jupiter or Seva, the destroyer, who might have struck him down at a

blow. It is said, that a Scotchman returning home, after some years' residence in England, being asked what

he thought of the English; answered: 'They hanna ower muckle sense, but they are an unco braw people to

live amang;' which would be a very good story, if it were not rendered apocryphal, by the incredible

circumstance of the Scotchman going back. Mr Mac Crotchet's experience had given him a just title to make,

in his own person, the lastquoted observation, but he would have known better than to go back, even if

himself, and not his father, had been the first comer of his line from the north. He had married an English

Christian, and, having none of the Scotch accent, was ungracious enough to be ashamed of his blood. He was

desirous to obliterate alike the Hebrew and Caledonian vestiges in his name, and signed himself E. M.

Crotchet, which by degrees induced the majority of his neighbours to think that his name was Edward

Matthew. The more effectually to sink the Mac, he christened his villa Crotchet Castle, and determined to

hand down to posterity the honours of Crotchet of Crotchet. He found it essential to his dignity to furnish

himself with a coat of arms, which, after the proper ceremonies (payment being the principal), he obtained,

videlicet: Crest, a crotchet rampant, in A sharp: Arms, three empty bladders, turgescent, to show how

opinions are formed; three bags of gold, pendent, to show why they are maintained; three naked swords,

tranchant, to show how they are administered; and three barbers' blocks, gaspant, to show how they are

swallowed. Mr Crotchet was left a widower, with two children; and, after the death of his wife, so strong was

his sense of the blessed comfort she had been to him, that he determined never to give any other woman an

opportunity of obliterating the happy recollection. He was not without a plausible pretence for styling his

villa a castle, for, in its immediate vicinity, and within his own enclosed domain, were the manifest traces, on

the brow of the hill, of a Roman station, or castellum, which was still called the castle by the country people.

The primitive mounds and trenches, merely overgrown with greensward, with a few patches of juniper and

box on the vallum, and a solitary ancient beech surmounting the place of the pr�torium, presented nearly the

same depths, heights, slopes, and forms, which the Roman soldiers had originally given them. From this

castellum Mr Crotchet christened his villa. With his rustic neighbours he was of course immediately and

necessarily a squire: Squire Crotchet of the castle; and he seemed to himself to settle down as naturally into

an English country gentleman, as if his parentage had been as innocent of both Scotland and Jerusalem, as his

education was of Rome and Athens. But as, though you expel nature with a pitchfork, she will yet always

come back; he could not become, like a trueborn English squire, part and parcel of the barleygiving earth;

he could not find in gamebagging, poachershooting, trespasser pounding, footpathstopping,

commonenclosing, rackrenting, and all the other liberal pursuits and pastimes which make a country

gentleman an ornament to the world, and a blessing to the poor; he could not find in these valuable and

amiable occupations, and in a corresponding range of ideas, nearly commensurate with that of the great King

Nebuchadnezzar, when he was turned out to grass; he could not find in this great variety of useful action, and

vast field of comprehensive thought, modes of filling up his time that accorded with his Caledonian instinct.

The inborn love of disputation, which the excitements and engagements of a life of business had smothered,

burst forth through the calmer surface of a rural life. He grew as fain as Captain Jamy, 'to hear some

airgument betwixt ony tway;' and being very hospitable in his establishment, and liberal in his invitations, a

numerous detachment from the advanced guard of the 'march of intellect,' often marched down to Crotchet

Castle. When the fashionable season filled London with exhibitors of all descriptions, lecturers and else, Mr

Crotchet was in his glory; for, in addition to the perennial literati of the metropolis, he had the advantage of

the visits of a number of hardy annuals, chiefly from the north, who, as the interval of their metropolitan

flowering allowed, occasionally accompanied their London brethren in excursions to Crotchet Castle.

Amongst other things, he took very naturally to political economy, read all the books on the subject which

were put forth by his own countrymen, attended all lectures thereon, and boxed the technology of the sublime

science as expertly as an able seaman boxes the compass. With this agreeable mania he had the satisfaction of

biting his son, the hope of his name and race, who had borne off from Oxford the highest academical

honours; and who, treading in his father's footsteps to honour and fortune, had, by means of a portion of the

old gentleman's surplus capital, made himself a junior partner in the eminent loanjobbing firm of Catchflat

and Company. Here, in the days of paper prosperity, he applied his scienceillumined genius to the blowing

of bubbles, the bursting of which sent many a poor devil to the jail, the workhouse, or the bottom of the river,

but left young Crotchet rolling in riches. These riches he had been on the point of doubling, by a marriage

with the daughter of Mr Touchandgo, the great banker, when, one foggy morning, Mr Touchandgo and the

contents of his till were suddenly reported absent; and as the fortune which the young gentleman had intended

to marry was not forthcoming, this tender affair of the heart was nipped in the bud. Miss Touchandgo did not

meet the shock of separation quite so complacently as the young gentleman; for he lost only the lady, whereas

she lost a fortune as well as a lover. Some jewels, which had glittered on her beautiful person as brilliantly as

the bubble of her father's wealth had done in the eyes of his gudgeons, furnished her with a small portion of

paper currency; and this, added to the contents of a fairy purse of gold, which she found in her shoe on the

eventful morning when Mr Touchandgo melted into thin air, enabled her to retreat into North Wales, where

she took up her lodging in a farmhouse in Merionethshire, and boarded very comfortably for a trifling

payment, and the additional consideration of teaching English, French, and music to the little ApLlymry's.

In the course of this occupation, she acquired sufficient knowledge of Welsh to converse with the country

people. She climbed the mountains, and descended the dingles, with a foot which daily habit made by degrees

almost as steady as a native's. She became the nymph of the scene; and if she sometimes pined in thought for

her faithless Strephon, her melancholy was any thing but green and yellow; it was as genuine white and red

as occupation, mountain air, thymefed mutton, thick cream, and fat bacon, could make it: to say nothing of

an occasional glass of double X, which ApLlymry, who yielded to no man west of the Wrekin in brewage,

never failed to press upon her at dinner and supper. He was also earnest, and sometimes successful, in the

recommendation of his mead, and most pertinacious on winter nights in enforcing a trial of the virtues of his

elder wine. The young lady's personal appearance, consequently, formed a very advantageous contrast to that

of her quondam lover, whose physiognomy the intense anxieties of his bubbleblowing days,

notwithstanding their triumphant result, had left blighted, sallowed, and crow'sfooted, to a degree not far

below that of the fallen spirit who, in the expressive language of German romance, is described as 'scathed by

the ineradicable traces of the thunderbolts of Heaven; ' so that, contemplating their relative geological

positions, the poor deserted damsel was flourishing on slate, while her rich and false young knight was pining

on chalk. Squire Crotchet had also one daughter, whom he had christened Lemma, and who, as likely to be

endowed with a very ample fortune, was, of course, an object very tempting to many young soldiers of

fortune, who were marching with the march of mind, in a good condition for taking castles, as far as not

having a groat is a qualification for such exploits. She was also a glittering bait to divers young squires

expectant (whose fathers were too well acquainted with the occult signification of mortgage), and even to one

or two sprigs of nobility, who thought that the lining of a civic purse would superinduce a very passable

factitious nap upon a threadbare title. The young lady had received an expensive and complicated education;

complete in all the elements of superficial display. She was thus eminently qualified to be the companion of

any masculine luminary who had kept due pace with the 'astounding progress' of intelligence. It must be

confessed, that a man who has not kept due pace with it is not very easily found; this march being one of that

'astounding' character in which it seems impossible that the rear can be behind the van. The young lady was

also tolerably goodlooking: north of Tweed, or in Palestine, she would probably have been a beauty; but for

the vallies of the Thames, she was perhaps a little too much to the taste of Solomon, and had a nose which

rather too prominently suggested the idea of the tower of Lebanon, which looked towards Damascus. In a

village in the vicinity of the castle was the vicarage of the Reverend Doctor Folliott, a gentleman endowed

with a tolerable stock of learning, an interminable swallow, and an indefatigable pair of lungs. His

preeminence in the latter faculty gave occasion to some etymologists to ring changes on his name, and to

decide that it was derived from Follis Optimus, softened through an Italian medium into Folle Ottimo,

contracted poetically into Folleotto, and elided Anglic� into Folliott, signifying a firstrate pair of bellows.

He claimed to be descended lineally from the illustrious Gilbert Folliott, the eminent theologian, who was a

bishop of London in the twelfth century, whose studies were interrupted in the dead of night by the devil;

when a couple of epigrams passed between them; and the devil, of course, proved the smaller wit of the two.

This reverend gentleman, being both learned and jolly, became by degrees an indispensable ornament to the

new squire's table. Mr Crotchet himself was eminently jolly, though by no means eminently learned. In the

latter respect he took after the great majority of the sons of his father's land; had a smattering of many things,

and a knowledge of none; but possessed the true northern art of making the most of his intellectual

GOD BLESS my soul, sir!' exclaimed the Reverend Doctor Folliott, bursting, one fine May morning, into the

breakfast room at Crotchet Castle, 'I am out of all patience with this march of mind. Here has my house been

nearly burned down, by my cook taking it into her head to study hydrostatics, in a sixpenny tract, published

by the Steam Intellect Society, and written by a learned friend who is for doing all the world's business as

well as his own, and is equally well qualified to handle every branch of human knowledge. I have a great

abomination of this learned friend; as author, lawyer, and politician, he is triformis, like Hecate: and in every

one of his three forms he is bifrons, like Janus; the true Mr Facingbothways of Vanity Fair. My cook must

read his rubbish in bed; and as might naturally be expected, she dropped suddenly fast asleep, overturned the

candle, and set the curtains in a blaze. Luckily, the footman went into the room at the moment, in time to tear

down the curtains and throw them into the chimney, and a pitcher of water on her nightcap extinguished her

wick: she is a greasy subject, and would have burned like a short mould.' The reverend gentleman exhaled his

grievance without looking to the right or to the left; at length, turning on his pivot, he perceived that the room

was full of company, consisting of young Crotchet and some visitors whom he had brought from London.

The Reverend Doctor Folliott was introduced to Mr Mac Quedy, the economist; Mr Skionar, the

transcendental poet; Mr Firedamp, the meteorologist; and Lord Bossnowl, son of the Earl of Foolincourt, and

member for the borough of Rogueingrain. The divine took his seat at the breakfasttable, and began to

compose his spirits by the gentle sedative of a large cup of tea, the demulcent of a wellbuttered muffin, and

You are a man of taste, Mr Crotchet. A man of taste is seen at once in the array of his breakfasttable. It is

the foot of Hercules, the farshining face of the great work, according to Pindar's doctrine: archomenou

ergou, pros�pon chr� themen telauges. The breakfast is the pros�pon of the great work of the day. Chocolate,

coffee, tea, cream, eggs, ham, tongue, cold fowl,all these are good, and bespeak good knowledge in him

who sets them forth: but the touchstone is fish: anchovy is the first step, prawns and shrimps the second; and

I laud him who reaches even to these: potted char and lampreys are the third, and a fine stretch of

progression; but lobster is, indeed, matter for a May morning, and demands a rare combination of knowledge

Well, sir, and what say you to a fine fresh trout, hot and dry, in a napkin? or a herring out of the water into the

Sir, I say every nation has some eximious virtue; and your country is preeminent in the glory of fish for

And in many others, sir, I believe. Morals and metaphysics, politics and political economy, the way to make

the most of all the modifications of smoke; steam, gas, and paper currency; you have all these to learn from

I, for one, sir, am content to learn nothing from you but the art and science of fish for breakfast. Be content,

sir, to rival the Boeotians, whose redeeming virtue was in fish, touching which point you may consult

Aristophanes and his scholiast, in the passage of Lysistrata, all' aphele tas egcheleis, and leave the name of

Athenians to those who have a sense of the beautiful, and a perception of metrical quantity.

Then, sir, I presume you set no value on the right principles of rent, profit, wages, and currency?

My principles, sir, in these things are, to take as much as I can get, and to pay no more than I can help. These

are every man's principles, whether they be the right principles or no. There, sir, is political economy in a

The principles, sir, which regulate production and consumption, are independent of the will of any individual

But, sir, by the by, how came your footman to be going into your cook's room? It was very providential to be

Sir, as good came of it, I shut my eyes, and asked no questions. I suppose he was going to study hydrostatics,

Yes, sir, such science as the learned friend deals in: every thing for every body, science for all, schools for all,

rhetoric for all, law for all, physic for all, words for all, and sense for none. I say, sir, law for lawyers, and

cookery for cooks: and I wish the learned friend, for all his life, a cook that will pass her time in studying his

works; then every dinner he sits down to at home, he will sit on the stool of repentance.

No, sir! let Ude and the learned friend singe fowls together; let both avaunt from my kitchen. Thuras d'

epithesthe bebelois. Ude says an elegant supper may be given with sandwiches. Horresco referens. An

elegant supper! Di� meliora piis. No Ude for me. Conviviality went out with punch and suppers. I cherish

their memory. I sup when I can, but not upon sandwiches. To offer me a sandwich, when I am looking for a

supper, is to add insult to injury. Let the learned friend, and the modern Athenians, sup upon sandwiches.

Nay, sir; the modern Athenians know better than that. A literary supper in sweet Edinbroo' would cure you of

Well, sir, well; there is cogency in a good supper; a good supper, in these degenerate days, bespeaks a good

man; but much more is wanted to make up an Athenian. Athenians, indeed! where is your theatre? who

among you has written a comedy? where is your attic salt? which of you can tell who was Jupiter's great

grandfather? or what metres will successively remain, if you take off the three first syllables, one by one,

from a pure antispastic acatalectic tetrameter? Now, sir, there are three questions for you; theatrical,

mythological, and metrical; to every one of which an Athenian would give an answer that would lay me

Well, sir, as to your metre and your mythology, they may e'en wait a wee. For your comedy, there is the

Well, sir, if none of us have written a comedy, I cannot see that it is any such great matter, any more than I

can conjecture what business a man can have at this time of day with Jupiter's great grandfather.

The great business is, sir, that you call yourselves Athenians, while you know nothing that the Athenians

thought worth knowing, and dare not show your noses before the civilised world in the practice of any one art

in which they were excellent. Modern Athens, sir! the assumption is a personal affront to every man who has

Metaphysics, sir; metaphysics. Logic and moral philosophy. There we are at home. The Athenians only

sought the way, and we have found it; and to all this we have added political economy, the science of

A hyperbarbarous technology, that no Athenian ear could have borne. Premises assumed without evidence, or

in spite of it; and conclusions drawn from them so logically, that they must necessarily be erroneous.

I cannot agree with you, Mr Mac Quedy, that you have found the true road of metaphysics, which the

Athenians only sought. The Germans have found it, sir: the sublime Kant, and his disciples.

I have read the sublime Kant, sir, with an anxious desire to understand him; and I confess I have not

Transcendentalism is the philosophy of intuition, the development of universal convictions; truths which are

inherent in the organisation of mind, which cannot be obliterated, though they may be obscured, by

superstitious prejudice on the one hand, and by the Aristotelian logic on the other.

There is only one true logic, which is the transcendental; and this can prove only the one true philosophy,

which is also the transcendental. The logic of your modern Athens can prove every thing equally; and that is,

The sentimental against the rational, the intuitive against the inductive, the ornamental against the useful, the

intense against the tranquil, the romantic against the classical; these are great and interesting controversies,

There is another great question, greater than all these, seeing that it is necessary to be alive in order to settle

any question; and this is the question of water against human woe. Wherever there is water, there is malaria,

and wherever there is malaria, there are the elements of death. The great object of a wise man should be to

live on a gravelly hill, without so much as a duckpond within ten miles of him, eschewing cisterns and

waterbutts, and taking care that there be no gravelpits for lodging the rain. The sun sucks up infection from

Well, sir, you have for you the authority of the ancient mystagogue, who said, Estin hudor psuche thanatos.

For my part I care not a rush (or any other aquatic and inesculent vegetable) who or what sucks up either the

water or the infection. I think the proximity of wine a matter of much more importance than the longinquity

of water. You are here within a quarter of a mile of the Thames; but in the cellar of my friend, Mr Crotchet,

there is the talismanic antidote of a thousand dozen of old wine; a beautiful spectacle, I assure you, and a

Sir, I feel the malignant influence of the river in every part of my system. Nothing but my great friendship for

After dinner, sir, after dinner, I will meet you on this question. I shall then be armed for the strife. You may

fight like Hercules against Achelous, but I shall flourish the Bacchic thyrsus, which changed rivers into wine:

I hope, Mr Firedamp, you will let your friendship carry you a little closer into the jaws of the lion. I am fitting

up a flotilla of pleasure boats, with spacious cabins, and a good cellar, to carry a choice philosophical party

up the Thames and Severn, into the Ellesmere canal, where we shall be among the mountains of North Wales;

which we may climb or not, as we think proper; but we will, at any rate, keep our floating hotel well

provisioned and we will try to settle all the questions over which a shadow of doubt yet hangs in the world of

Out of my great friendship for you, I will certainly go, but I do not expect to survive the experiment.

Alter erit tum Tiphys, et altera qu� vehat Argo Delectos Heroas. I will be of the party, though I must hire an

officiating curate, and deprive poor Mrs Folliott, for several weeks, of the pleasure of combing my wig.

I hope if I am to be of the party, our ship is not to be the ship of fools: He! He!

You need not dispute about terms; they are two modes of expressing merriment, with or without reason;

reason being in no way essential to mirth. No man should ask another why he laughs, or at what, seeing that

he does not always know, and that, if he does, he is not a responsible agent. Laughter is an involuntary action

of certain muscles, developed in the human species by the progress of civilisation. The savage never laughs.

No, sir, he has nothing to laugh at. Give him Modern Athens, the 'learned friend,' and the Steam Intellect

He loved her more than seven yere, Yet was he of her love never the nere; He was not ryche of golde and fe,

THE REVEREND Doctor Folliott having promised to return to dinner, walked back to his vicarage,

meditating whether he should pass the morning in writing his next sermon, or in angling for trout, and had

nearly decided in favour of the latter proposition, repeating to himself, with great unction, the lines of

And as for me, though that I can but lite, On bokis for to read I me delite, And to 'hem yeve I faithe and full

credence, And in mine herte have 'hem in reverence, So hertily, that there is gam� none, That fro my bokis

makith me to gone, But it be seldome, on the holie daie; Save certainly whan that the month of Maie Is

comin, and I here the foulis sing, And that the flouris ginnin for to spring, Farewell my boke and my

when his attention was attracted by a young gentleman who was sitting on a camp stool with a portfolio on

his knee, taking a sketch of the Roman Camp, which, as has been already said, was within the enclosed

domain of Mr Crotchet. The young stranger, who had climbed over the fence, espying the portly divine, rose

up, and hoped that he was not trespassing. 'By no means, sir,' said the divine; 'all the arts and sciences are

welcome here: music, painting, and poetry; hydrostatics, and political economy; meteorology,

A pleasant association, sir, and a liberal and discriminating hospitality. This is an old British camp, I believe,

Roman, sir; Roman: undeniably Roman. The vallum is past controversy. It was not a camp, sir, a castrum, but

a castellum, a little camp, or watchstation, to which was attached, on the peak of the adjacent hill, a beacon

for transmitting alarms. You will find such here and there, all along the range of chalk hills, which traverses

the country from northeast to southwest, and along the base of which runs the ancient Ikenild road,

It is not mine, sir: the more is the pity; yet is it so far well, that the owner is my good friend, and a highly

I understand the owner to be a Mr Crotchet. He has a handsome daughter, I am told

He has, sir. Her eyes are like the fishpools of Heshbon, by the gate of Bethrabbim; and she is to have a

handsome fortune, to which divers disinterested gentlemen are paying their addresses. Perhaps you design to

No, sir; I beg pardon if my questions seem impertinent; I have no such design. There is a son, too, I believe,

To say the truth, two very amiable young people, with whom I have some little acquaintance, Lord Bossnowl,

and his sister, Lady Clarinda, are reported to be on the point of concluding a double marriage with Miss

Crotchet and her brother, by way of putting a new varnish on old nobility. Lord Foolincourt, their father, is

Well, sir, the Crotchets have plenty of money, and the old gentleman's weak point is a hankering after high

blood. I saw your acquaintance Lord Bossnowl this morning; but I did not see his sister. She may be there,

nevertheless, and doing fashionable justice to this fine May morning, by lying in bed till noon.

Young Mr Crotchet, sir, has been, like his father, the architect of his own fortune, has he not? An illustrious

As to honesty, sir, he made his fortune in the city of London; and if that commodity be of any value there,

you will find it in the price current. I believe it is below par, like the shares of young Crotchet's fifty

companies. But his progress has not been exactly like his father's: it has been more rapid, and he started with

more advantages. He began with a fine capital from his father. The old gentleman divided his fortune into

three not exactly equal portions: one for himself, one for his daughter, and one for his son, which he handed

over to him, saying, 'Take it once for all, and make the most of it; if you lose it where I won it, not another

stiver do you get from me during my life.' But, sir, young Crotchet doubled, and trebled, and quadrupled it,

and is, as you say, a striking example of the reward of industry; not that I think his labour has been so great as

But, sir, is all this solid? is there no danger of reaction? no day of reckoning, to cut down in an hour

Nay, sir, I know not. I do not pry into these matters. I am, for my own part, very well satisfied with the young

gentleman. Let those who are not so look to themselves. It is quite enough for me that he came down last

night from London, and that he had the good sense to bring with him a basket of lobsters. Sir, I wish you a

good morning. The stranger, having returned the reverend gentleman's good morning, resumed his sketch,

and was intently employed on it when Mr Crotchet made his appearance, with Mr Mac Quedy and Mr

Skionar, whom he was escorting round his grounds, according to his custom with new visitors; the principal

pleasure of possessing an extensive domain being that of showing it to other people. Mr Mac Quedy,

according also to the laudable custom of his countrymen, had been appraising every thing that fell under his

observation; but, on arriving at the Roman camp, of which the value was purely imaginary, he contented

himself with exclaiming, 'Eh! this is just a curiosity, and very pleasant to sit in on a summer day.'

And call up the days of old, when the Roman eagle spread its wings in the place of that beechen foliage. It

gives a fine idea of duration, to think that that fine old tree must have sprung from the earth ages after this

That is a great age for a beech in good condition. But you see the camp is some fifteen hundred years, or so,

older; and three times six being eighteen, I think you get a clearer idea of duration out of the simple

That is a very unpoetical, if not unphilosophical, mode of viewing antiquities. Your philosophy is too literal

for our imperfect vision. We cannot look directly into the nature of things; we can only catch glimpses of the

mighty shadow in the camera obscura of transcendental intelligence. These six and eighteen are only words to

which we give conventional meanings. We can reason, but we cannot feel, by help of them. The tree and the

eagle, contemplated in the ideality of space and time, become subjective realities, that rise up as landmarks in

Well, sir, if you understand that, I wish you joy. But I must be excused for holding that my proposition, three

times six are eighteen, is more intelligible than yours. A worthy friend of mine, who is a sort of amateur in

philosophy, criticism, politics, and a wee bit of many things more, says, 'Men never begin to study antiquities

It is just respect for property: a state in which no man takes wrongfully what belongs to another, is a perfectly

Your friend's antiquaries must have lived in El Dorado, to have had an opportunity of being saturated with

It is a question of degree. There is more respect for property here than in Angola.

Mr Crotchet was rubbing his hands, in hopes of a fine discussion, when they came round to the side of the

camp where the picturesque gentleman was sketching. The stranger was rising up, when Mr Crotchet begged

him not to disturb himself, and presently walked away with his two guests. Shortly after Miss Crotchet and

Lady Clarinda, who had breakfasted by themselves, made their appearance at the same spot, hanging each on

an arm of Lord Bossnowl, who very much preferred their company to that of the philosophers, though he

would have preferred the company of the latter, or any company, to his own. He thought it very singular that

so agreeable a person as he held himself to be to others, should be so exceedingly tiresome to himself: he did

not attempt to investigate the cause of this phenomenon, but was contented with acting on his knowledge of

the fact, and giving himself as little of his own private society as possible. The stranger rose as they

approached, and was immediately recognised by the Bossnowls as an old acquaintance, and saluted with the

exclamation of 'Captain Fitzchrome!' The interchange of salutation between Lady Clarinda and the Captain

was accompanied with an amiable confusion on both sides, in which the observant eyes of Miss Crotchet

seemed to read the recollection of an affair of the heart. Lord Bossnowl was either unconscious of any such

affair, or indifferent to its existence. He introduced the Captain very cordially to Miss Crotchet, and the

young lady invited him, as the friend of their guests, to partake of her father's hospitality; an offer which was

readily accepted. The Captain took his portfolio under his right arm, his camp stool in his right hand, offered

his left arm to Lady Clarinda, and followed at a reasonable distance behind Miss Crotchet and Lord

Bossnowl, contriving, in the most natural manner possible, to drop more and more into the rear.

I am glad to see you can make yourself so happy with drawing old trees and mounds of grass

Happy, Lady Clarinda! oh, no! How can I be happy when I see the idol of my heart about to be sacrificed on

Do you know, though Mammon has a sort of ill name, I really think he is a very popular character; there must

be at the bottom something amiable about him. He is certainly one of those pleasant creatures whom every

body abuses, but without whom no evening party is endurable. I dare say, love in a cottage is very pleasant;

but then it positively must be a cottage orn�e: but would not the same love be a great deal safer in a castle,

Oh, Lady Clarinda! there is a heartlessness in that language that chills me to the soul.

Heartlessness! No: my heart is on my lips. I speak just what I think. You used to like it, and say it was as

Well, but only consider: a dun is a horridly vulgar creature; it is a creature I cannot endure the thought of: and

a cottage lets him in so easily. Now a castle keeps him at bay. You are a halfpay officer, and are at leisure to

command the garrison: but where is the castle? and who is to furnish the commissariat?

Is it come to this, that you make a jest of my poverty? Yet is my poverty only comparative. Many decent

Decent families: aye, decent is the distinction from respectable. Respectable means rich, and decent means

poor. I should die if I heard my family called decent. And then your decent family always lives in a snug little

place: I hate a little place; I like large rooms and large lookingglasses, and large parties, and a fine large

butler, with a tinge of smooth red in his face; an outward and visible sign that the family he serves is

I cannot believe that you say all this in earnest. No man is less disposed than I am to deny the importance of

the substantial comforts of life. I once flattered myself that in our estimate of these things we were nearly of a

Do you know, I think an operabox a very substantial comfort, and a carriage. You will tell me that many

decent people walk arm in arm through the snow, and sit in clogs and bonnets in the pit at the English theatre.

No doubt it is very pleasant to those who are used to it; but it is not to my taste.

You always delighted in trying to provoke me; but I cannot believe that you have not a heart.

You do not like to believe that I have a heart, you mean. You wish to think I have lost it, and you know to

whom; and when I tell you that it is still safe in my own keeping, and that I do not mean to give it away, the

Why, you are pursing your brows, biting your lips, and lifting up your foot as if you would stamp it into the

earth. I must say anger becomes you; you would make a charming Hotspur. Your everydaydiningout face

is rather insipid: but I assure you my heart is in danger when you are in the heroics. It is so rare, too, in these

days of smooth manners, to see any thing like natural expression in a man's face. There is one set form for

every man's face in female society; a sort of serious comedy, walking gentleman's face: but the moment the

creature falls in love, he begins to give himself airs, and plays off all the varieties of his physiognomy, from

Well, Lady Clarinda, I will not be angry, amusing as it may be to you: I listen more in sorrow than in anger. I

What, because I have made up my mind not to give away my heart when I can sell it? I will introduce you to

my new acquaintance, Mr Mac Quedy: he will talk to you by the hour about exchangeable value, and show

you that no rational being will part with any thing, except to the highest bidder.

Now, I am sure you are not in earnest. You cannot adopt such sentiments in their naked deformity.

Naked deformity: why Mr Mac Quedy will prove to you that they are the cream of the most refined

philosophy. You live a very pleasant life as a bachelor, roving about the country with your portfolio under

your arm. I am not fit to be a poor man's wife. I cannot take any kind of trouble, or do any one thing that is of

any use. Many decent families roast a bit of mutton on a string; but if I displease my father I shall not have as

much as will buy the string, to say nothing of the meat; and the bare idea of such cookery gives me the

By this time they were near the castle, and met Miss Crotchet and her companion, who had turned back to

meet them. Captain Fitzchrome was shortly after heartily welcomed by Mr Crotchet, and the party separated

to dress for dinner, the captain being by no means in an enviable state of mind, and full of misgivings as to

the extent of belief that he was bound to accord to the words of the lady of his heart.

En quoi cognoissezvous la folie anticque? En quoi cognoissezvous la sagesse pr�sente? RABELAIS

IF I WERE sketching a bandit who had just shot his last pursuer, having outrun all the rest, that is the very

face I would give him,' soliloquised the captain, as he studied the features of his rival in the drawingroom,

during the miserable halfhour before dinner, when dulness reigns predominant over the expectant company,

especially when they are waiting for some one last comer, whom they all heartily curse in their hearts, and

whom, nevertheless, or indeed thereforethemore, they welcome as a sinner, more heartily than all the just

persons who had been punctual to their engagement. Some new visitors had arrived in the morning, and, as

the company dropped in one by one, the captain anxiously watched the unclosing door for the form of his

beloved; but she was the last to make her appearance, and on her entry gave him a malicious glance, which he

construed into a telegraphic communication that she had stayed away to torment him. Young Crotchet

escorted her with marked attention to the upper end of the drawingroom, where a great portion of the

company was congregated around Miss Crotchet. These being the only ladies in the company, it was evident

that old Mr Crotchet would give his arm to Lady Clarinda, an arrangement with which the captain could not

interfere. He therefore took his station near the door, studying his rival from a distance, and determined to

take advantage of his present position, to secure the seat next to his charmer. He was meditating on the best

mode of operation for securing this important post with due regard to biens�ance, when he was twitched by

the button by Mr Mac Quedy, who said to him: 'Lady Clarinda tells me, sir, that you are anxious to talk with

me on the subject of exchangeable value, from which I infer that you have studied political economy; and as

a great deal depends on the definition of value, I shall be glad to set you right on that point.''I am much

obliged to you, sir,' said the captain, and was about to express his utter disqualification for the proposed

instruction, when Mr Skionar walked up, and said: 'Lady Clarinda informs me that you wish to talk over with

me the question of subjective reality. I am delighted to fall in with a gentleman who duly appreciates the

transcendental philosophy.''Lady Clarinda is too good,' said the captain; and was about to protest that he

had never heard the word transcendental before, when the butler announced dinner. Mr Crotchet led the way

with Lady Clarinda: Lord Bossnowl followed with Miss Crotchet; the economist and transcendentalist pinned

in the captain, and held him, one by each arm, as he impatiently descended the stairs in the rear of several

others of the company, whom they had forced him to let pass; but the moment he entered the diningroom he

broke loose from them, and at the expense of a little brusquerie, secured his position. 'Well, captain,' said

Lady Clarinda, 'I perceive you can still manoeuvre.' 'What could possess you,' said the captain, 'to send two

unendurable and inconceivable bores, to intercept me with rubbish about which I neither know nor care any

more than the man in the moon?' 'Perhaps,' said Lady Clarinda, 'I saw your design, and wished to put your

generalship to the test. But do not contradict any thing I have said about you, and see if the learned will find

you out.' 'There is fine music, as Rabelais observed, in the cliquetis d'assiettes, a refreshing shade in the

ombre de salle � manger, and an elegant fragrance in the fum�e de r�ti,' said a voice at the captain's elbow.

The captain turning round, recognised his clerical friend of the morning, who knew him again immediately,

and said he was extremely glad to meet him there; more especially as Lady Clarinda had assured him that he

was an enthusiastic lover of Greek poetry. 'Lady Clarinda,' said the captain, 'is a very pleasant young lady.'

So she is, sir: and I understand she has all the wit of the family to herself, whatever that totum may be. But a

glass of wine after soup is, as the French say, the verre de sant�. The current of opinion sets in favour of

Hock: but I am for Madeira; I do not fancy Hock till I have laid a substratum of Madeira. Will you join me?

Here is a very fine salmon before me: and May is the very point nomm� to have salmon in perfection. There

is a fine turbot close by, and there is much to be said in his behalf; but salmon in May is the king of fish

Papapai! Rarity of rarities! A Thames salmon caught this morning. Now, Mr Mac Quedy, even in fish your

Eh! sir, on its own ground, your Thames salmon has two virtues over all others: first, that it is fresh; and,

second, that it is rare; for I understand you do not take half a dozen in a year.

In some years, sir, not one. Mud, filth, gas dregs, lockweirs, and the march of mind, developed in the form

of poaching, have ruined the fishery. But when we do catch a salmon, happy the man to whom he falls.

I confess, sir, this is excellent; but I cannot see why it should be better than a Tweed salmon at Kelso.

With all my heart, sir. There are several varieties of the salmon genus: but the common salmon, the salmo

salar, is only one species, one and the same every where, just like the human kind. Locality and education

Education! Well, sir, I have no doubt schools for all are just as fit for the species salmo salar as for the genus

homo. But you must allow, that the specimen before us has finished his education in a manner that does

honour to his college. However, I doubt that the salmo salar is only one species, that is to say, precisely alike

in all localities. I hold that every river has its own breed, with essential differences; in flavour especially. And

as for the human mind, I deny that it is the same in all men. I hold that there is every variety of natural

capacity from the idiot to Newton and Shakspere; the mass of mankind, midway between these extremes,

being blockheads of different degrees; education leaving them pretty nearly as it found them, with this single

difference, that it gives a fixed direction to their stupidity, a sort of incurable wry neck to the thing they call

their understanding. So one nose points always east, and another always west, and each is ready to swear that

Most willingly. But you will permit my drinking it while it sparkles. I hold it a heresy to let it deaden in my

hand, while the glass of my compotator is being filled on the opposite side of the table. By the bye, captain,

you remember a passage in Athen�us, where he cites Menander on the subject of fishsauce: opsarion epi

ichthuos. (The captain was aghast for an answer that would satisfy both his neighbours, when he was relieved

by the divine continuing.) The science of fish sauce, Mr Mac Quedy, is by no means brought to perfection; a

In their line, I grant you, oyster and lobster sauce are the pillars of Hercules. But I speak of the cruet sauces,

where the quintessence of the sapid is condensed in a phial. I can taste in my mind's palate a combination,

which, if I could give it reality, I would christen with the name of my college, and hand it down to posterity

Well, sir, I wish you success, but I cannot let slip the question we started just now. I say, cutting off idiots,

who have no minds at all, all minds are by nature alike. Education (which begins from their birth) makes

No, sir, it makes their tendencies, not their power. C�sar would have been the first wrestler on the village

common. Education might have made him a Nadir Shah; it might also have made him a Washington; it could

not have made him a merryandrew, for our newspapers to extol as a model of eloquence.

Now, sir, I think education would have made him just any thing, and fit for any station, from the throne to the

stocks; saint or sinner, aristocrat or democrat, judge, counsel, or prisoner at the bar.

I will thank you for a slice of lamb, with lemon and pepper. Before I proceed with this discussion,Vin de

Grave, Mr Skionar,I must interpose one remark. There is a set of persons in your city, Mr Mac Quedy,

who concoct every three or four months a thing which they call a review: a sort of sugarplum manufacturers

I cannot tell, sir, exactly, what you mean by that; but I hope you will speak of those gentlemen with respect,

Sir, I must drown my inadvertence in a glass of Sauterne with you. There is a set of gentlemen in your

Not in our city, exactly; neither are they a set. There is an editor, who forages for articles in all quarters, from

John O'Groat's house to the Land's End. It is not a board, or a society: it is a mere intellectual bazaar, where

Well, sir, these gentlemen among them, the present company excepted, have practised as much dishonesty as

in any other department than literature, would have brought the practitioner under the cognisance of the

police. In politics, they have run with the hare and hunted with the hound. In criticism they have, knowingly

and unblushingly, given false characters, both for good and for evil: sticking at no art of misrepresentation, to

clear out of the field of literature all who stood in the way of the interests of their own clique. They have

never allowed their own profound ignorance of any thing (Greek, for instance) to throw even an air of

hesitation into their oracular decision on the matter. They set an example of profligate contempt for truth, of

which the success was in proportion to the effrontery; and when their prosperity had filled the market with

competitors, they cried out against their own reflected sin, as if they had never committed it, or were entitled

Nothing better, sir. The father who first chose the solitude of that vineyard, knew well how to cultivate his

spirit in retirement. Now, Mr Mac Quedy, Achilles was distinguished above all the Greeks for his inflexible

And I say, sirchicken and asparagusTitan had made him of better clay. I hold with Pindar: 'All that is

most excellent is so by nature.' To de psua kratiston hapan. Education can give purposes, but not powers; and

whatever purposes had been given him, he would have gone straight forward to them; straight forward, Mr

Several others of the company now chimed in with their opinions, which gave the divine an opportunity to

degustate one or two side dishes, and to take a glass of wine with each of the young ladies.

Ay imput� a honte plus que mediocre �tre vu spectateur ocieux de tant vaillans, disertz, et chevalereux

I declare the creature has been listening to all this rigmarole, instead of attending to me. Do you ever expect

forgiveness? But now that they are all talking together, and you cannot make out a word they say, nor they

hear a word that we say, I will describe the company to you. First, there is the old gentleman on my left hand,

at the head of the table, who is now leaning the other way to talk to my brother. He is a good tempered,

halfinformed person, very unreasonably fond of reasoning, and of reasoning people; people that talk

nonsense logically: he is fond of disputation himself, when there are only one or two, but seldom does more

than listen in a large company of illumin�s. He made a great fortune in the city, and has the comfort of a good

conscience. He is very hospitable, and is generous in dinners; though nothing would induce him to give

sixpence to the poor, because he holds that all misfortune is from imprudence, that none but the rich ought to

marry, and that all ought to thrive by honest industry, as he did. He is ambitious of founding a family, and of

allying himself with nobility; and is thus as willing as other grown children, to throw away thousands for a

gewgaw, though he would not part with a penny for charity. Next to him is my brother, whom you know as

well as I do. He has finished his education with credit, and as he never ventures to oppose me in any thing, I

have no doubt he is very sensible. He has good manners, is a model of dress, and is reckoned ornamental in

all societies. Next to him is Miss Crotchet, my sisterinlaw that is to be. You see she is rather pretty, and

very genteel. She is tolerably accomplished, has her table always covered with new novels, thinks Mr Mac

Quedy an oracle, and is extremely desirous to be called 'my lady.' Next to her is Mr Firedamp, a very absurd

person, who thinks that water is the evil principle. Next to him is Mr Eavesdrop, a man who, by dint of a

certain something like smartness, has got into good society. He is a sort of bookseller's tool, and coins all his

acquaintance in reminiscences and sketches of character. I am very shy of him, for fear he should print me.

If he print you in your own likeness, which is that of an angel, you need not fear him. If he print you in any

Next to him is Mr Henbane, the toxicologist, I think he calls himself. He has passed half his life in studying

poisons and antidotes. The first thing he did on his arrival here, was to kill the cat; and while Miss Crotchet

was crying over her, he brought her to life again. I am more shy of him than the other.

They are two very dangerous fellows, and I shall take care to keep them both at a respectful distance. Let us

hope that Eavesdrop will sketch off Henbane, and that Henbane will poison him for his trouble.

Well, next to him sits Mr Mac Quedy, the Modern Athenian, who lays down the law about every thing and

therefore may be taken to understand every thing. He turns all the affairs of this world into questions of

buying and selling. He is the Spirit of the Frozen Ocean to every thing like romance and sentiment. He

condenses their volume of steam into a drop of cold water in a moment. He has satisfied me that I am a

commodity in the market, and that I ought to set myself at a high price. So you see he who would have me

Now, don't be rhapsodical here. Next to Mr Mac Quedy is Mr Skionar, a sort of poetical philosopher, a

curious compound of the intense and the mystical. He abominates all the ideas of Mr Mac Quedy, and settles

They are two oddities; but a little of them is amusing, and I like to hear them dispute. So you see I am in

Any philosophy, for heaven's sake, but the poundshillingandpence philosophy of Mr Mac Quedy.

Why, they say that even Mr Skionar, though he is a great dreamer, always dreams with his eyes open, or with

one eye at any rate, which is an eye to his gain: but I believe that in this respect the poor man has got an ill

name by keeping bad company. He has two dear friends, Mr Wilful Wontsee, and Mr Rumblesack Shantsee,

poets of some note, who used to see visions of Utopia, and pure republics beyond the Western deep: but

finding that these El Dorados brought them no revenue, they turned their visionseeing faculty into the more

profitable channel of espying all sorts of virtue in the high and mighty, who were able and willing to pay for

Next to Mr Skionar, sits Mr Chainmail, a goodlooking young gentleman, as you see, with very antiquated

tastes. He is fond of old poetry, and is something of a poet himself. He is deep in monkish literature, and

holds that the best state of society was that of the twelfth century, when nothing was going forward but

fighting, feasting, and praying, which he says are the three great purposes for which man was made. He

laments bitterly over the inventions of gunpowder, steam, and gas, which he says have ruined the world. He

lives within two or three miles, and has a large hall, adorned with rusty pikes, shields, helmets, swords, and

tattered banners, and furnished with yewtree chairs, and two long, old, wormeaten oak tables, where he

dines with all his household, after the fashion of his favourite age. He wants us all to dine with him, and I

Next to him is Mr Toogood, the cooperationist, who will have neither fighting nor praying; but wants to

parcel out the world into squares like a chessboard, with a community on each, raising every thing for one

another, with a great steamengine to serve them in common for tailor and hosier, kitchen and cook.

This brings us to the bottom of the table, where sits my humble servant, Mr Crotchet the younger. I ought not

I do not wish to hear any thing in his favour; and I rejoice to hear you say so, because

Do not flatter yourself. If I take him, it will be to please my father, and to have a town and countryhouse,

and plenty of servants, and a carriage and an operabox, and make some of my acquaintance who have

married for love, or for rank, or for any thing but money, die for envy of my jewels. You do not think I would

take him for himself. Why he is very smooth and spruce, as far as his dress goes; but as to his face, he looks

as if he had tumbled headlong into a volcano, and been thrown up again among the cinders

Oh! I am out of my teens. I have been very much in love; but now I am come to years of discretion, and must

think, like other people, of settling myself advantageously. He was in love with a banker's daughter, and cast

her off on her father's bankruptcy, and the poor girl has gone to hide herself in some wild place.

They say he was goodlooking, till his bubbleschemes, as they call them, stamped him with the

physiognomy of a desperate gambler. I suspect he has still a penchant towards his first flame. If he takes me,

it will be for my rank and connection, and the second seat of the borough of Rogueingrain. So we shall meet

on equal terms, and shall enjoy all the blessedness of expecting nothing from each other.

I shall have the security of a good settlement, and then if andare al diavolo be his destiny, he may go, you

know, by himself. He is almost always dreaming and distrait. It is very likely that some great reverse is in

Hush! Here is music to soothe your troubled spirit. Next to him, on this side, sits the dilettante composer, Mr

Trillo; they say his name was O'Trill, and he has taken the O from the beginning, and put it at the end. I do

not know how this may be. He plays well on the violoncello, and better on the piano: sings agreeably; has a

talent at versemaking, and improvises a song with some felicity. He is very agreeable company in the

evening, with his instruments and musicbook. He maintains that the sole end of all enlightened society is to

get up a good opera, and laments that wealth, genius, and energy, are squandered upon other pursuits, to the

I assure you he has a great deal to say for it. Well, next to him again, is Dr Morbific, who has been all over

the world to prove that there is no such thing as contagion; and has inoculated himself with plague, yellow

fever, and every variety of pestilence, and is still alive to tell the story. I am very shy of him, too; for I look

on him as a walking phial of wrath, corked full of all infections, and not to be touched without extreme

Next to him sits Mr Philpot, the geographer, who thinks of nothing but the heads and tails of rivers, and lays

down the streams of Terra Incognita as accurately as if he had been there. He is a person of pleasant fancy,

and makes a sort of fairy land of every country he touches, from the Frozen Ocean to the Deserts of Zahara.

You see Mr Firedamp has got as far as possible out of his way. Next to him is Sir Simon Steeltrap, of

Steeltrap Lodge, Member for CrouchingCurtown, Justice of Peace for the county, and Lord of the United

Manors of Springgun and Treadmill; a great preserver of game and public morals. By administering the la

which he assists in making, he disposes, at his pleasure, of the land and its live stock, including all the

twolegged varieties, with and without feathers, in a circumference of several miles round Steeltrap Lodge.

He has enclosed commons and woodlands; abolished cottagegardens; taken the village cricketground into

his own park, out of pure regard to the sanctity of Sunday; shut up footpaths and alehouses, (all but those

which belong to his electioneering friend, Mr Quassia, the brewer;) put down fairs and fiddlers; committed

many poachers; shot a few; convicted one third of the peasantry; suspected the rest; and passed nearly the

whole of them through a wholesome course of prison discipline, which has finished their education at the

He is somewhat out of his element here: among such a diversity of opinions he will hear some he will not

It was rather illjudged in Mr Crotchet to invite him today. But the art of assorting company is above these

parvenus.They invite a certain number of persons without considering how they harmonise with each other.

Between Sir Simon and you is the Reverend Doctor Folliott. He is said to be an excellent scholar, and is

fonder of books than the majority of his cloth; he is very fond, also, of the good things of this world. He is of

an admirable temper, and says rude things in a pleasant halfearnest manner, that nobody can take offence

with. And next to him, again, is one Captain Fitzchrome, who is very much in love with a certain person that

does not mean to have any thing to say to him, because she can better her fortune by taking somebody else.

And next to him, again, is the beautiful, the accomplished, the witty, the fascinating, the tormenting Lady

Clarinda, who traduces herself to the said captain by assertions which it would drive him crazy to believe.

But I must say, though I know you had always a turn for sketching characters, you surprise me by your

Yes, a novel. And I shall get a little finery by it: trinkets and fallals, which I cannot get from papa. You must

know I have been reading several fashionable novels, the fashionable this, and the fashionable that; and I

thought to myself, why I can do better than any of these myself. So I wrote a chapter or two, and sent them as

a specimen to Mr Puffall, the bookseller, telling him they were to be a part of the fashionable something or

other, and he offered me, I will not say how much, to finish it in three volumes, and let him pay all the

newspapers for recommending it as the work of a lady of quality, who had made very free with the characters

Oh, no; I leave that to Mr Eavesdrop. But Mr Puffall made it a condition that I should let him say so.

Oh, nothing else will do. And it seems you may give yourself any character you like, and the newspapers will

print it as if it came from themselves. I have commended you to three of our friends here, as an economist, a

transcendentalist, and a classical scholar; and if you wish to be renowned through the world for these, or any

other accomplishments, the newspapers will confirm you in their possession for halfaguinea a piece.

So you will see, some morning, that my novel is 'the most popular production of the day.' This is Mr Puffall's

favourite phrase. He makes the newspapers say it of every thing he publishes. But 'the day,' you know, is a

very convenient phrase; it allows of three hundred and sixtyfive 'most popular productions' in a year. And in

But when they came to shape the model, Not one could fit the other's noddle. BUTLER

MEANWHILE the last course, and the desert, passed by. When the ladies had withdrawn, young Crotchet

There is one point in which philosophers of all classes seem to be agreed; that they only want money to

No doubt of it. Nothing is so easy as to lay down the outlines of perfect society. There wants nothing but

money to set it going. I will explain myself clearly and fully by reading a paper. (Producing a large scroll.) 'In

Pray, Mr Mac Quedy, how is it that all gentlemen of your nation begin every thing they write with the

Eh, sir, it is the simplest way to begin at the beginning. 'In the infancy of society, when government was

No, sir, to spend a percentage; and a good deal more than two and a half per cent. Two hundred and fifty per

Never mind the infancy of society. The question is of society in its maturity. Here is what it should be.

Before we proceed to the question of government, we must nicely discriminate the boundaries of sense,

We are proceeding too fast. Money being all that is wanted to regenerate society, I will put into the hands of

We will begin by taking a committeeroom in London, where we will dine together once a week, to

If the money is to go in deliberative dinners, you may set me down for a committee man and honorary

Next, you must all learn political economy, which I will teach you, very compendiously, in lectures over the

No such thing, sir. In the family there is a paterfamilias, who regulates the distribution, and takes care that

there shall be no such thing in the household as one dying of hunger, while another dies of surfeit. In the state

it is all hunger at one end, and all surfeit at the other. Matchless claret, Mr Crotchet.

Consumes, sir! Yes: but the mode, the proportions; there is the essential difference between the state and the

Well, sir, the analogy is not essential. Distribution will come under its proper head.

Come where it will, the distribution of the state is in no respect analogous to the distribution of the family.

Well, sir, let that pass. The family consumes, and in order to consume, it must have supply

The reverend gentleman has hit the nail on the head. It is the distribution that must be looked to: it is the

paterfamilias that is wanting in the state. Now here I have provided him. (Reproducing his diagram.)

Apply the money, sir, to building and endowing an opera house, where the ancient altar of Bacchus may

flourish, and justice may be done to sublime compositions. (Producing a part of a manuscript opera.)

No, sir, build sacella for transcendental oracles to teach the world how to see through a glass darkly.

See through a wineglass, full of claret: then you see both darkly and brightly. But, gentlemen, if you are all

in the humour for reading papers, I will read you the first half of my next Sunday's sermon. (Producing a

Political economy is divided into two great branches, production and consumption.

Yes, sir; there are two great classes of men: those who produce much and consume little; and those who

consume much and produce nothing. The fruges consumere nati have the best of it. Eh, captain! you

remember the characteristics of a great man according to Aristophanes: hostis ge pinein dide kai binein

monon. Ha! ha! ha! Well, captain, even in these tightlaced days, the obscurity of a learned language allows

Very true, sir: the pleasantry and the obscurity go together: they are all one, as it were;to me at any rate.

Pray, sir, let your science alone, or you will put me under the painful necessity of demolishing it bit by bit, as

I have done your exordium. I will undertake it any morning; but it is too hard exercise after dinner.

Pray, gentlemen, pocket your manuscripts; fill your glasses; and consider what we shall do with our money.

Build a grand cooperative parallelogram, with a steamengine in the middle for a maid of all work.

Found a philanthropic college of anticontagionists, where all the members shall be inoculated with the virus

Build a great dininghall: endow it with beef and ale, and hang the hall round with arms to defend the

Found a toxicological institution for trying all poisons and antidotes. I myself have killed a frog twelve times,

and brought him to life eleven; but the twelfth time he died. I have a phial of the drug which killed him in my

I move that the last speaker be dispossessed of his phial, and that it be forthwith thrown into the Thames.

How, sir? my invaluable, and in the present state of human knowledge, infallible poison?

Sir, you have published a character of your facetious friend, the Reverend Doctor F., wherein you have

sketched off me; me, sir, even to my nose and wig. What business have the public with my nose and wig?

Sir, the bottle, la Dive Bouteille, is a recondite oracle, which makes an Eleusinian temple of the circle in

which it moves. He who reveals its mysteries must die. Therefore, let the dose be administered. Fiat

Sir, you have been very unfacetious, very inficete at mine. You have dished me up, like a savory omelette, to

gratify the appetite of the reading rabble for gossip. The next time, sir, I will respond with the argumentum

baculinum. Print that, sir; put it on record as a promise of the Reverend Doctor F., which shall be most

Surely in no way so beneficially as in exploring rivers. Send a set of steamboats down the Niger, and another

up the Nile. So shall you civilise Africa, and establish stocking factories in Abyssinia and Bambo.

With all submission, breeches and petticoats must precede stockings. Send out a crew of tailors. Try if the

Gentlemen, it is not for partial, but for general benefit, that this fund is proposed: a grand and universally

That is my scheme. I have not heard a scheme but my own that has a grain of common sense.

Gentlemen, you inspire me. Your last exclamation runs itself into a chorus, and sets itself to music. Allow me

After careful meditation, And profound deliberation, On the various pretty projects which have just been

shown, Not a scheme in agitation, For the world's amelioration, Has a grain of common sense in it, except my

Well, of all these schemes, I am for Mr Trillo's. Regenerate the Athenian theatre. My classical friend here, the

Then the captain votes against you. What, sir, did not the Athenians, the wisest of nations, appropriate to their

theatre their most sacred and intangible fund? Did not they give to melopoeia, choreography, and the sundry

forms of didascalics, the precedence of all other matters, civil and military? Was it not their law, that even the

proposal to divert this fund to any other purpose should be punished with death? But sir, I further propose

that the Athenian theatre being resuscitated, the admission shall be free to all who can expound the Greek

choruses, constructively, mythologically, and metrically, and to none others. So shall all the world learn

Greek: Greek, the Alpha and Omega of all knowledge. At him who sits not in the theatre, shall be pointed the

finger of scorn: he shall be called in the highway of the city, 'a fellow without Greek.'

Every man may take in a lady: and she who can construe and metricise a chorus, shall, if she so please, pass

But, sir, you will shut me out of my own theatre. Let there at least be a double passport, Greek and Italian.

You see how it is, Squire Crotchet the younger; you can scarcely find two to agree on a scheme, and no two

of those can agree on the details. Keep your money in your pocket. And so ends the fund for regenerating the

Very true; we will dine and discuss. We will sing with Robin Hood, 'If I drink water while this doth last;' and

If I drink water while this doth last, May I never again drink wine: For how can a man, in his life of a span,

Do any the better than dine? We'll dine and drink, and say if we think That any thing better be; And when we

And though a good wish will fill no dish, And brim no cup with sack, Yet thoughts will spring, as the glasses

ring, To illume our studious track. On the brilliant dreams of our hopeful schemes The light of the flask shall

shine; And we'll sit till day, but we'll find the way To drench the world with wine.

THE LIBRARY of Crotchet Castle was a large and well furnished apartment, opening on one side into an

anteroom, on the other into a musicroom. It had several tables stationed at convenient distances; one

consecrated to the novels of literature, another to the novelties of embellishment; others unoccupied, and at

the disposal of the company. The walls were covered with a copious collection of ancient and modern books;

the ancient having been selected and arranged by the Reverend Doctor Folliott. In the anteroom were

cardtables; in the musicroom were various instruments, all popular operas, and all fashionable music. In

this suite of apartments, and not in the drawing room, were the evenings of Crotchet Castle usually passed.

The young ladies were in the musicroom; Crotchet at the piano, Lady Clarinda, at the harp, playing and

occasionally singing, at the suggestion of Mr Trillo, portions of Matilde di Shabran. Lord Bossnowl was

turning over the leaves for Miss Crotchet; the captain was performing the same office for Lady Clarinda, but

with so much more attention to the lady than the book, that he often made sad work with the harmony, by

turning over two leaves together. On these occasions Miss Crotchet paused, Lady Clarinda laughed, Mr Trillo

scolded, Lord Bossnowl yawned, the captain apologised, and the performance proceeded. In the library, Mr

Mac Quedy was expounding political economy to the Reverend Doctor Folliott, who was pro more

demolishing its doctrines seriatim. Mr Chainmail was in hot dispute with Mr Skionar, touching the physical

and moral wellbeing of man. Mr Skionar was enforcing his friend Mr Shantsee's views of moral discipline;

maintaining that the sole thing needful for man in this world, was loyal and pious education; the giving men

good books to read, and enough of the hornbook to read them; with a judicious interspersion of the lessons of

Old Restraint, which was his poetic name for the parish stocks. Mr Chainmail, on the other hand, stood up for

the exclusive necessity of beef and ale, lodging and raiment, wife and children, courage to fight for them all,

and armour wherewith to do so. Mr Henbane had got his face scratched, and his finger bitten, by the cat, in

trying to catch her for a second experiment in killing and bringing to life; and Doctor Morbific was

comforting him with a disquisition, to prove that there were only four animals having the power to

communicate hydrophobia, of which the cat was one; and that it was not necessary that the animal should be

in a rabid state, the nature of the wound being every thing, and the idea of contagion a delusion. Mr Henbane

was listening very lugubriously to this dissertation. Mr Philpot had seized on Mr Firedamp, and pinned him

down to a map of Africa on which he was tracing imaginary pictures of mighty inland rivers, terminating in

lakes and marshes, where they were finally evaporated by the heat of the sun; and Mr Firedamp's hair was

standing on end at the bare imagination of the mass of malaria that must be engendered by the operation. Mr

Toogood had begun explaining his diagram to Sir Simon Steeltrap; but Sir Simon grew testy, and told Mr

Toogood that the promulgators of such doctrines ought to be consigned to the treadmill. The philanthropist

walked off from the country gentleman and proceeded to hold forth to young Crotchet, who stood silent, as

one who listens, but in reality without hearing a syllable. Mr Crotchet senior, as the master of the house, was

left to entertain himself with his own meditations, till the Reverend Doctor Folliott tore himself from Mr Mac

Quedy, and proceeded to expostulate with Mr Crotchet on a delicate topic. There was an Italian painter, who

obtained the name of Il Bragatore, by the superinduction of inexpressibles on the naked Apollos and

Bacchuses of his betters. The fame of this worthy remained one and indivisible, till a set of heads, which had

been, by a too common mistake of nature's journeymen, stuck upon magisterial shoulders, as the Corinthian

capitals of 'fair round bellies with fat capon lined,' but which nature herself had intended for the noddles of

porcelain mandarins, promulgated simultaneously from the east and the west of London, an order that no

plasterofParis Venus should appear in the streets without petticoats. Mr Crotchet, on reading this order in

the evening paper, which, by the postman's early arrival, was always laid on his breakfasttable, determined

to fill his house with Venuses of all sizes and kinds. In pursuance of this resolution, came packages by

watercarriage, containing an infinite variety of Venuses. There were the Medicean Venus, and the Bathing

Venus; the Uranian Venus, and the Pandemian Venus; the Crouching Venus, and the Sleeping Venus; the

Venus rising from the sea, the Venus with the apple of Paris, and the Venus with the armour of Mars. The

Reverend Doctor Folliott had been very much astonished at this unexpected display. Disposed, as he was, to

hold, that whatever had been in Greece, was right; he was more than doubtful of the propriety of throwing

open the classical adytum to the illiterate profane. Whether, in his interior mind, he was at all influenced,

either by the consideration that it would be for the credit of his cloth, with some of his vicesuppressing

neighbours, to be able to say that he had expostulated; or by curiosity, to try what sort of defence his

citybred friend, who knew the classics only by translation, and whose reason was always a little ahead of his

knowledge, would make for his somewhat ostentatious display of liberality in matters of taste; is a question,

on which the learned may differ: but, after having duly deliberated on two fullsized casts of the Uranian and

Pandemian Venus, in niches on each side of the chimney, and on three alabaster figures, in glass cases, on the

These little alabaster figures on the mantelpiece, Mr Crotchet, and those large figures in the nichesmay I

To be looked at, sir; just to be looked at: the reason for most things in a gentleman's house being in it at all;

from the paper on the walls, and the drapery of the curtains even to the books in the library, of which the

Very true, sir. As great philosophers hold that the esse of things is percipi, so a gentleman's furniture exists to

be looked at. Nevertheless, sir, there are some things more fit to be looked at than others; for instance, there is

nothing more fit to be looked at than the outside of a book. It is, as I may say, from repeated experience, a

pure and unmixed pleasure to have a goodly volume lying before you, and to know that you may open it if

you please, and need not open it unless you please. It is a resource against ennui, if ennui should come upon

you. To have the resource and not to feel the ennui, to enjoy your bottle in the present, and your book in the

indefinite future, is a delightful condition of human existence. There is no place, in which a man can move or

sit, in which the outside of a book can be otherwise than an innocent and becoming spectacle. Touching this

matter, there cannot, I think, be two opinions. But with respect to your Venuses there can be, and indeed there

are, two very distinct opinions. Now, sir, that little figure in the centre of the mantelpiece,as a grave

paterfamilias, Mr Crotchet, with a fair nubile daughter, whose eyes are like the fishpools of Heshbon,I

The Sleeping Venus, sir? Nothing can be more delicate than the entire contour of the figure, the flow of the

hair on the shoulders and neck, the form of the feet and fingers. It is altogether a most delicate morsel.

Why, in that sense, perhaps, it is as delicate as whitebait in July. But the attitude, sir, the attitude.

That is the very thing, sir. It is too natural: too natural, sir: it lies for all the world likeI make no doubt,

the pious cheesemonger, who recently broke its plaster facsimile over the head of the itinerant vendor, was

struck by a certain similitude to the position of his own sleeping beauty, and felt his noble wrath thereby

Very likely, sir. In my opinion, the cheesemonger was a fool, and the justice who sided with him was a

Yes, sir, as the hangman is of the thief; the 'squire of the poacher; the judge of the libeller; the lawyer of his

client; the statesman of his colleague; the bubbleblower of the bubblebuyer; the slavedriver of the negro:

To be sure, sir, in these instances, and in many others, the term brother must be taken in its utmost latitude of

interpretation: we are all brothers, nevertheless. But to return to the point. Now these two large figures, one

with drapery on the lower half of the body, and the other with no drapery at all; upon my word, sir, it matters

not what godfathers and godmothers may have promised and vowed for the children of this world, touching

the devil and other things to be renounced, if such figures as those are to be put before their eyes.

Sir, the naked figure is the Pandemian Venus, and the halfdraped figure is the Uranian Venus; and I say, sir,

that figure realises the finest imaginings of Plato, and is the personification of the most refined and exalted

feeling of which the human mind is susceptible; the love of pure ideal, intellectual beauty.

I am aware, sir, that Plato, in his Symposium, discourseth very eloquently touching the Uranian and

Pandemian Venus: but you must remember that, in our Universities Plato is held to be little better than a

misleader of youth; and they have shown their contempt for him, not only by never reading him (a mode of

contempt in which they deal very largely), but even by never printing a complete edition of him; although

they have printed many ancient books which nobody suspects to have been ever read on the spot, except by a

person attached to the press, who is therefore emphatically called 'the reader.'

Why, sir, to 'the reader' aforesaid (supposing either of our Universities to have printed an edition of Plato), or

to any one else who can be supposed to have read Plato, or indeed to be ever likely to do so, I would very

willingly show these figures; because to such they would, I grant you, be the outward and visible signs of

poetical and philosophical ideas: but, to the multitude, the gross carnal multitude, they are but two beautiful

I must say that, if I wished my footman to learn modesty, I should not dream of sending him to school to a

Sir, ancient sculpture is the true school of modesty. But where the Greeks had modesty, we have cant; where

they had poetry, we have cant; where they had patriotism, we have cant; where they had any thing that exalts,

delights, or adorns humanity, we have nothing but cant, cant, cant. And, sir, to show my contempt for cant in

all its shapes, I have adorned my house with the Greek Venus, in all her shapes, and am ready to fight her

battle against all the societies that ever were instituted for the suppression of truth and beauty.

My dear sir, I am afraid you are growing warm. Pray be cool. Nothing contributes so much to good digestion

Sir, the Laced�monian virgins wrestled naked with young men: and they grew up, as the wise Lycurgus had

foreseen, into the most modest of women, and the most exemplary of wives and mothers.

Very likely, sir; but the Athenian virgins did no such thing, and they grew up into wives who stayed at

home,stayed at home, sir; and looked after the husband's dinner,his dinner, sir, you will please to

And what was the consequence of that, sir? that they were such very insipid persons that the husband would

not go home to eat his dinner, but preferred the company of some Aspasia, or Lais.

'Od's vengeance, sir, some Aspasia and any other Athenian name of the same sort of person you like

I do not like the sort of person at all: the sort of person I like, as I have already implied, is a modest woman,

Well, sir, that was not the taste of the Athenians. They preferred the society of women who would not have

made any scruple about sitting as models to Praxiteles; as you know, sir, very modest women in Italy did to

Canova: one of whom, an Italian countess, being asked by an English lady, 'how she could bear it?' answered,

Sir, the English lady should have asked how the Italian lady's husband could bear it. The phials of my wrath

would overflow if poor dear Mrs Folliott: sir, in return for your story, I will tell you a story of my

ancestor, Gilbert Folliott. The devil haunted him, as he did Saint Francis, in the likeness of a beautiful

damsel; but all he could get from the exemplary Gilbert was an admonition to wear a stomacher and longer

Sir, your story makes for my side of the question. It proves that the devil, in the likeness of a fair damsel with

short petticoats and no stomacher, was almost too much for Gilbert Folliott. The force of the spell was in the

Who was he, sir? the sublime philosopher, the father of the encyclop�dia, of all the encyclop�dias that have

Sir, Diderot is not a man after my heart. Keep to the Greeks, if you please; albeit this Sleeping Venus is not

Well, sir, the Greeks: why do we call the Elgin marbles inestimable? Simply because they are true to nature.

And why are they so superior in that point to all modern works, with all our greater knowledge of anatomy?

Why, sir, but because the Greeks, having no cant, had better opportunities of studying models?

Sir, I deny our greater knowledge of anatomy. But I shall take the liberty to employ, on this occasion, the

argumentum ad hominem. Would you have allowed Miss Crotchet to sit for a model to Canova?

'God bless my soul, sir!' exclaimed the Reverend Doctor Folliott, throwing himself back into a chair, and

flinging up his heels, with the premeditated design of giving emphasis to his exclamation: but by

miscalculating his impetus, he overbalanced his chair, and laid himself on the carpet in a right angle, of which

Chi sta nel mondo un par d'ore contento, Ne gli vien tolta, ovver contaminata, Quella sua pace in verano

THE REVEREND Doctor Folliott took his departure about ten o'clock, to walk home to his vicarage. There

was no moon; but the night was bright and clear, and afforded him as much light as he needed. He paused a

moment by the Roman camp, to listen to the nightingale; repeated to himself a passage of Sophocles;

proceeded through the park gate, and entered the narrow lane that led to the village. He walked on in a very

pleasant mood of the state called reverie; in which fish and wine, Greek and political economy, the Sleeping

Venus he had left behind and poor dear Mrs Folliott, to whose fond arms he was returning, passed as in a

camera obscura over the tablets of his imagination. Presently the image of Mr Eavesdrop, with a printed

sketch of the Reverend Doctor F., presented itself before him, and he began mechanically to flourish his

bamboo. The movement was prompted by his good genius, for the uplifted bamboo received the blow of a

ponderous cudgel, which was intended for his head. The reverend gentleman recoiled two or three paces, and

saw before him a couple of ruffians, who were preparing to renew the attack, but whom, with two swings of

his bamboo, he laid with cracked sconces on the earth, where he proceeded to deal with them like corn

beneath the flail of the thresher. One of them drew a pistol, which went off in the very act of being struck

aside by the bamboo, and lodged a bullet in the brain of the other. There was then only one enemy, who

vainly struggled to rise, every effort being attended with a new and more signal prostration. The fellow roared

for mercy. 'Mercy, rascal!' cried the divine; 'what mercy were you going to show me, villain? What! I warrant

me, you thought it would be an easy matter, and no sin, to rob and murder a parson on his way home from

dinner. You said to yourselves, doubtless, "We'll waylay the fat parson (you irreverent knave) as he waddles

home (you disparaging ruffian), halfseasover (you calumnious vagabond)." ' And with every dyslogistic

term, which he supposed had been applied to himself, he inflicted a new bruise on his rolling and roaring

antagonist. 'Ah, rogue!' he proceeded; 'you can roar now, marauder; you were silent enough when you

devoted my brains to dispersion under your cudgel. But seeing that I cannot bind you, and that I intend you

not to escape, and that it would be dangerous to let you rise, I will disable you in all your members; I will

contund you as Thestylis did strongsmelling herbs, in the quality whereof you do most gravely partake, as

my nose beareth testimony, ill weed that you are. I will beat you to a jelly, and I will then roll you into the

ditch, to lie till the constable comes for you, thief.' 'Hold! hold! reverend sir,' exclaimed the penitent culprit, 'I

am disabled already in every finger, and in every joint. I will roll myself into the ditch, reverend sir.' 'Stir not,

rascal,' returned the divine, 'stir not so much as the quietest leaf above you, or my bamboo rebounds on your

body like hail in a thunder storm. Confess speedily, villain; are you simple thief, or would you have

manufactured me into a subject, for the benefit of science? Ay, miscreant caitiff, you would have made me a

subject for science, would you? You are a schoolmaster abroad, are you? You are marching with a

detachment of the march of mind, are you? You are a member of the Steam Intellect Society, are you? You

swear by the learned friend, do you?' 'Oh, no! reverend sir,' answered the criminal, 'I am innocent of all these

offences, whatever they are, reverend sir. The only friend I had in the world is lying dead beside me, reverend

The reverend gentleman paused a moment, and leaned on his bamboo. The culprit, bruised as he was, sprang

on his legs, and went off in double quick time. The doctor gave him chase, and had nearly brought him within

arm's length, when the fellow turned at right angles, and sprang clean over a deep dry ditch. The divine,

following with equal ardour, and less dexterity, went down over head and ears into a thicket of nettles.

Emerging with much discomposure, he proceeded to the village, and roused the constable; but the constable

found, on reaching the scene of action, that the dead man was gone, as well as his living accomplice. 'Oh, the

monster!' exclaimed the Reverend Doctor Folliott, 'he has made a subject for science of the only friend he had

in the world.' 'Ay, my dear,' he resumed, the next morning at breakfast, 'if my old reading, and my early

gymnastics (for as the great Hermann says, before I was demulced by the Muses, I was ferocis ingenii puer,

et ad arma quam ad literas paratior), had not imbued me indelibly with some of the holy rage of Fr�re Jean

des Entommeures, I should be, at this moment, lying on the table of some flintyhearted anatomist, who

would have sliced and disjointed me as unscrupulously as I do these remnants of the capon and chine,

wherewith you consoled yourself yesterday for my absence at dinner. Phew! I have a noble thirst upon me,

which I will quench with floods of tea.' The reverend gentleman was interrupted by a messenger, who

informed him that the Charity Commissioners requested his presence at the inn, where they were holding a

sitting. 'The Charity Commissioners!' exclaimed the reverend gentleman, 'who on earth are they?' The

messenger could not inform him, and the reverend gentleman took his hat and stick, and proceeded to the inn.

On entering the best parlour, he saw three welldressed and bulky gentlemen sitting at a table, and a fourth

officiating as clerk, with an open book before him, and a pen in his hand. The churchwardens, who had been

also summoned, were already in attendance. The chief commissioner politely requested the Reverend Doctor

Folliott to be seated; and after the usual meteorological preliminaries had been settled by a resolution, nem.

con., that it was a fine day but very hot, the chief commissioner stated, that in virtue of the commission of

Parliament, which they had the honour to hold, they were now to inquire into the state of the public charities

The state of the public charities, sir, is exceedingly simple. There are none. The charities here are all private,

We have been informed, sir, that there is an annual rent charged on the land of Hautbois, for the endowment

The manorial farm of Hautbois, now occupied by Farmer Seedling, is charged with the endowment and

I do remember, gentlemen, to have been informed, that there did stand at the end of the village a ruined

cottage which had once been an almshouse, which was endowed and maintained, by an annual revenue of a

mark and a half, or one pound sterling, charged some centuries ago on the farm of Hautbois; but the means,

by the progress of time, having become inadequate to the end, the almshouse tumbled to pieces.

But this is a right which cannot be abrogated by desuetude, and the sum of one pound per annum is still

But sir, the one pound per annum is still received by the parish, but was long ago, by an unanimous vote in

God bless my soul, gentlemen! I know nothing of this matter. How is this, Mr Bluenose? Do I receive this

You certainly receive it, sir. It was voted to one of your predecessors. Farmer Seedling lumps it in with his

Reverend sir, and gentlemen, officers of this parish, we are under the necessity of admonishing you that this

is a most improper proceeding; and you are hereby duly admonished accordingly. Make a record, Mr Milky.

The clergyman and churchwardens of the village of Hmmmm gravely admonished. Hmmmm.

'What in the name of all that is wonderful, Mr Bluenose,' said the Reverend Doctor Folliott, as he walked out

of the inn, 'what in the name of all that is wonderful, can those fellows mean? They have come here in a

chaise and four, to make a fuss about a pound per annum, which, after all, they leave as it was. I wonder who

The public pay for it, sir. It is a job of the learned friend whom you admire so much. It makes away with

public money in salaries, and private money in lawsuits, and does no particle of good to any living soul.

Ay, ay, Mr Appletwig; that is just the sort of public service to be looked for from the learned friend. Oh, the

learned friend! the learned friend! He is the evil genius of every thing that falls in his way.

The reverend doctor walked off to Crotchet Castle, to narrate his misadventures, and exhale his budget of

grievances on Mr Mac Quedy, whom he considered a ringleader of the march of mind.

FOUR beautiful cabined pinnaces, one for the ladies, one for the gentlemen, one for kitchen and servants, one

for a diningroom and band of music, weighed anchor, on a fine July morning, from below Crotchet Castle,

and were towed merrily, by strong trotting horses, against the stream of the Thames. They passed from the

district of chalk, successively into the districts of clay, of sandrock, of oolite, and so forth. Sometimes they

dined in their floating diningroom, sometimes in tents, which they pitched on the dry smoothshaven green

of a newly mown meadow; sometimes they left their vessels to see sights in the vicinity; sometimes they

passed a day or two in a comfortable inn. At Oxford, they walked about to see the curiosities of architecture,

painted windows, and undisturbed libraries. The Reverend Doctor Folliott laid a wager with Mr Crotchet 'that

in all their perlustrations they would not find a man reading,' and won it. 'Ay, sir,' said the reverend

gentleman, 'this is still a seat of learning, on the principle ofonce a captain always a captain. We may

well ask, in these great reservoirs of books whereof no man ever draws a sluice, Quorsum pertinuit stipare

Platona Menandro? What is done here for the classics? Reprinting German editions on better paper. A great

boast, verily! What for mathematics? What for metaphysics? What for history? What for any thing worth

knowing? This was a seat of learning in the days of Friar Bacon. But the friar is gone, and his learning with

him. Nothing of him is left but the immortal nose, which when his brazen head had tumbled to pieces, crying

'Time's past,' was the only palpable fragment among its minutely pulverised atoms, and which is still

resplendent over the portals of its cognominal college. That nose, sir, is the only thing to which I shall take

But, doctor, it is something to have a great reservoir of learning, at which some may draw if they please.

But, here, good care is taken that nobody shall please. If even a small drop from the sacred fountain, pidakos

ex hier�s olig� libas, as Callimachus has it, were carried off by any one, it would be evidence of something to

hope for. But the system of dissuasion from all good learning is brought here to a pitch of perfection that

baffles the keenest aspirant. I run over to myself the names of the scholars of Germany, a glorious catalogue!

but ask for those of OxfordWhere are they? The echoes of their courts, as vacant as their heads, will

answer, Where are they? The tree shall be known by its fruit; and seeing that this great tree, with all its

I shall set you right on this point. We do nothing without motives. If learning get nothing but honour, and

very little of that; and if the good things of this world, which ought to be the rewards of learning, become the

mere gifts of selfinterested patronage; you must not wonder if, in the finishing of education, the science

Very true, sir. Education is well finished, for all worldly purposes, when the head is brought into the state

whereinto I am accustomed to bring a marrowbone, when it has been set before me on a toast, with a white

napkin wrapped round it. Nothing trundles along the high road of preferment so trimly as a wellbiased

sconce, picked clean within, and polished without; totus teres atque rotundus. The perfection of the finishing

lies in the bias, which keeps it trundling in the given direction. There is good and sufficient reason for the fig

being barren, but it is not therefore the less a barren fig. At Godstow, they gathered hazel on the grave of

Rosamond; and, proceeding on their voyage, fell into a discussion on legendary histories.

History is but a tiresome thing in itself; it becomes more agreeable the more romance is mixed up with it. The

great enchanter has made me learn many things which I should never have dreamed of studying, if they had

What enchanter is that? There are two enchanters: he of the North, and he of the South.

Ay, there is another enchanter. But I mean the great enchanter of Covent Garden: he who, for more than a

quarter of a century, has produced two pantomimes a year, to the delight of children of all ages, including

myself at all ages. That is the enchanter for me. I am for the pantomimes. All the northern enchanter's

romances put together would not furnish materials for half the southern enchanter's pantomimes.

In these cases I do. They are both one, with a slight difference. The one is the literature of pantomime, the

other is the pantomime of literature. There is the same variety of character, the same diversity of story, the

same copiousness of incident, the same research into costume, the same display of heraldry, falconry,

minstrelsy, scenery, monkery, witchery, devilry, robbery, poachery, piracy, fishery, gipsyastrology,

demonology, architecture, fortification, castrametation, navigation; the same running base of love and battle.

The main difference is, that the one set of amusing fictions is told in music and action; the other in all the

worst dialects of the English language. As to any sentence worth remembering, any moral or political truth,

any thing having a tendency, however remote, to make men wiser or better, to make them think, to make

them even think of thinking; they are both precisely alike: nuspiam, nequaquam, nullibi, nullimodis.

My quarrel with the northern enchanter is, that he has grossly misrepresented the twelfth century.

He has misrepresented every thing, or he would not have been very amusing. Sober truth is but dull matter to

the reading rabble. The angler, who puts not on his hook the bait that best pleases the fish, may sit all day on

But how do you mean that he has misrepresented the twelfth century? By exhibiting some of its knights and

ladies in the colours of refinement and virtue, seeing that they were all no better than ruffians, and something

By no means. By depicting them as much worse than they were, not, as you suppose, much better. No one

would infer from his pictures that theirs was a much better state of society than this which we live in.

No, nor was it. It was a period of brutality, ignorance, fanaticism, and tyranny; when the land was covered

with castles, and every castle contained a gang of banditti, headed by a titled robber, who levied contributions

with fire and sword; plundering, torturing, ravishing, burying his captives in loathsome dungeons, and

broiling them on gridirons, to force from them the surrender of every particle of treasure which he suspected

them of possessing; and fighting every now and then with the neighbouring lords, his conterminal bandits, for

the right of marauding on the boundaries. This was the twelfth century, as depicted by all contemporary

No, sir. Weigh the evidence of specific facts; you will find more good than evil. Who was England's greatest

hero; the mirror of chivalry, the pattern of honour, the fountain of generosity, the model to all succeeding

ages of military glory? Richard the First. There is a king of the twelfth century. What was the first step of

liberty? Magna Charta. That was the best thing ever done by lords. There are lords of the twelfth century.

You must remember, too, that these lords were petty princes, and made war on each other as legitimately as

the heads of larger communities did or do. For their system of revenue, it was, to be sure, more rough and

summary than that which has succeeded it, but it was certainly less searching and less productive. And as to

the people, I content myself with these great points: that every man was armed, every man was a good archer,

every man could and would fight effectively with sword or pike, or even with oaken cudgel: no man would

live quietly without beef and ale; if he had them not, he fought till he either got them, or was put out of

condition to want them. They were not, and could not be, subjected to that powerful pressure of all the other

classes of society, combined by gunpowder, steam, and fiscality, which has brought them to that dismal

degradation in which we see them now. And there are the people of the twelfth century.

As to your king, the enchanter has done him ample justice, even in your own view. As to your lords and their

ladies, he has drawn them too favourably, given them too many of the false colours of chivalry, thrown too

attractive a light on their abominable doings. As to the people, he keeps them so much in the background,

that he can hardly be said to have represented them at all, much less misrepresented them, which indeed he

could scarcely do, seeing that, by your own showing, they were all thieves, ready to knock down any man for

No, sir. They could come honestly by beef and ale, while they were left to their simple industry. When

oppression interfered with them in that, then they stood on the defensive, and fought for what they were not

If A, being aggrieved by B, knocks down C, do you call that standing on the defensive?

Gentlemen, you will never settle this controversy, till you have first settled what is good for man in this

world; the great question, de finibus, which has puzzled all philosophers. If the enchanter has represented the

twelfth century too brightly for one, and too darkly for the other of you, I should say, as an impartial man, he

has represented it fairly. My quarrel with him is, that his works contain nothing worth quoting; and a book

that furnishes no quotations, is, me judsce, no bookit is a plaything. There is no question about the

amusementamusement of multitudes; but if he who amuses us most, is to be our enchanter kat' exoch�n,

Continuant nostre routte, navigasmes par trois jours sans rien descouvrir. RABELAIS

THERE is a beautiful structure,' said Mr Chainmail, as they glided by Lechlade church; 'a subject for the

pencil, Captain. It is a question worth asking, Mr Mac Quedy, whether the religious spirit which reared these

edifices, and connected with them everywhere an asylum for misfortune and a provision for poverty, was not

better than the commercial spirit, which has turned all the business of modern life into schemes of profit, and

processes of fraud and extortion. I do not see, in all your boasted improvements, any compensation for the

religious charity of the twelfth century. I do not see any compensation for that kindly feeling which, within

their own little communities, bound the several classes of society together, while full scope was left for the

development of natural character, wherein individuals differed as conspicuously as in costume. Now, we all

wear one conventional dress, one conventional face; we have no bond of union, but pecuniary interest; we

talk any thing that comes uppermost, for talking's sake, and without expecting to be believed; we have no

nature, no simplicity, no picturesqueness: every thing about us is as artificial and as complicated as our

steammachinery: our poetry is a kaleidoscope of false imagery, expressing no real feeling, portraying no

real existence. I do not see any compensation for the poetry of the twelfth century.'

I wonder to hear you, Mr Chainmail, talking of the religious charity of a set of lazy monks and beggarly

friars, who were much more occupied with taking than giving; of whom, those who were in earnest did

nothing but make themselves, and every body about them, miserable, with fastings, and penances, and other

such trash; and those who were not, did nothing but guzzle and royster, and, having no wives of their own,

took very unbecoming liberties with those of honester men. And as to your poetry of the twelfth century, it is

It has, at any rate, what ours wants, truth to nature, and simplicity of diction. The poetry, which was

addressed to the people of the dark ages, pleased in proportion to the truth with which it depicted familiar

images, and to their natural connection with the time and place to which they were assigned. In the poetry of

our enlightened times, the characteristics of all seasons, soils, and climates, may be blended together, with

much benefit to the author's fame as an original genius. The cowslip of a civic poet is always in blossom, his

fern is always in full feather; he gathers the celandine, the primrose, the heathflower, the jasmine, and the

chrysanthemum, all on the same day, and from the same spot: his nightingale sings all the year round, his

moon is always full, his cygnet is as white as his swan, his cedar is as tremulous as his aspen, and his poplar

as embowering as his beech. Thus all nature marches with the march of mind; but, among barbarians, instead

of mead and wine, and the best seat by the fire, the reward of such a genius would have been, to be

summarily turned out of doors in the snow, to meditate on the difference between day and night, and between

December and July. It is an age of liberality, indeed, when not to know an oak from a burdock is no

Very true, sir; if he can. Here is the captain, who can. But I think he must have finished his education at some

very rigid college, where a quotation, or any other overt act showing acquaintance with classical literature,

was visited with a severe penalty. For my part, I make it my boast that I was not to be so subdued. I could not

be abated of a single quotation by all the bumpers in which I was fined. In this manner they glided over the

face of the waters discussing every thing and settling nothing. Mr Mac Quedy and the Reverend Doctor

Folliott had many digladiations on political economy: wherein, each in his own view, Doctor Folliott

demolished Mr Mac Quedy's science, and Mr Mac Quedy demolished Doctor Folliott's objections. We would

print these dialogues if we thought any one would read them: but the world is not yet ripe for this haute

sagesse Pantagrueline. We must, therefore, content our selves with an �chantillon of one of the Reverend

Doctor's perorations. 'You have given the name of a science to what is yet an imperfect inquiry; and the

upshot of your socalled science is this, that you increase the wealth of a nation by increasing in it the

quantity of things which are produced by labour: no matter what they are, no matter how produced, no matter

how distributed. The greater the quantity of labour that has gone to the production of the quantity of things in

a community, the richer is the community. That is your doctrine. Now, I say, if this be so, riches are not the

object for a community to aim at. I say, the nation is best off, in relation to other nations, which has the

greatest quantity of the common necessaries of life distributed among the greatest number of persons; which

has the greatest number of honest hearts and stout arms united in a common interest, willing to offend no one,

but ready to fight in defence of their own community against all the rest of the world, because they have

something in it worth fighting for. The moment you admit that one class of things, without any reference to

what they respectively cost, is better worth having than another; that a smaller commercial value, with one

mode of distribution, is better than a greater commercial value, with another mode of distribution; the whole

of that curious fabric of postulates and dogmas, which you call the science of political economy, and which I

call politic� oeconomi� inscientia, tumbles to pieces.' Mr Toogood agreed with Mr Chainmail against Mr

Mac Quedy, that the existing state of society was worse than that of the twelfth century; but he agreed with

Mr Mac Quedy against Mr Chainmail, that it was in progress to something much better than either,to

which 'something much better' Mr Toogood and Mr Mac Quedy attached two very different meanings. Mr

Chainmail fought with Doctor Folliott, the battle of the romantic against the classical in poetry; and Mr

Skionar contended with Mr Mac Quedy for intuition and synthesis, against analysis and induction in

philosophy. Mr Philpot would lie along for hours, listening to the gurgling of the water round the prow, and

would occasionally edify the company with speculations on the great changes that would be effected in the

world by the steamnavigation of rivers: sketching the course of a steamboat up and down some mighty

stream which civilisation had either never visited, or long since deserted; the Missouri and the Columbia, the

Oroonoko and the Amazon, the Nile and the Niger, the Euphrates and the Tigris, the Oxus and the Indus, the

Ganges and the Hoangho; under the overcanopying forests of the new, or by the longsilent ruins of the

ancient, world; through the shapeless mounds of Babylon, or the gigantic temples of Thebes. Mr Trillo went

on with the composition of his opera, and took the opinions of the young ladies on every step in its progress;

occasionally regaling the company with specimens, and wondering at the blindness of Mr Mac Quedy, who

could not, or would not, see that an opera in perfection, being the union of all the beautiful arts,music,

painting, dancing, poetry,exhibiting female beauty in its most attractive aspects, and in its most becoming

costume,was, according to the wellknown precept, Ingenuas didicisse, &c., the most efficient

instrument of civilisation, and ought to take precedence of all other pursuits in the minds of true

philanthropists. The Reverend Doctor Folliott, on these occasions, never failed to say a word or two on Mr

Trillo's side, derived from the practice of the Athenians, and from the combination, in their theatre, of all the

beautiful arts, in a degree of perfection unknown to the modern world. Leaving Lechlade, they entered the

canal that connects the Thames with the Severn; ascended by many locks; passed by a tunnel three miles

long, through the bowels of Sapperton Hill; agreed unanimously that the greatest pleasure derivable from

visiting a cavern of any sort was that of getting out of it; descended by many locks again, through the valley

of Stroud into the Severn; continued their navigation into the Ellesmere canal; moored their pinnaces in the

Vale of Llangollen by the aqueduct of Pontycysyllty; and determined to pass some days in inspecting the

scenery, before commencing their homeward voyage. The captain omitted no opportunity of pressing his suit

on Lady Clarinda, but could never draw from her any reply but the same doctrines of worldly wisdom,

delivered in a tone of badinage, mixed with a certain kindness of manner that induced him to hope she was

not in earnest. But the morning after they had anchored under the hills of the Dee,whether the lady had

reflected more seriously than usual, or was somewhat less in good humour than usual, or the Captain was

more pressing than usual,she said to him, 'It must not be, Captain Fitzchrome; "the course of true love

never did run smooth:" my father must keep his borough, and I must have a town house and a country house,

and an opera box, and a carriage. It is not well for either of us that we should flirt any longer: "I must be cruel

only to be kind." Be satisfied with the assurance that you alone, of all men, have ever broken my rest. To be

sure, it was only for about three nights in all; but that is too much.' The captain had le coeur navr�. He took

his portfolio under his arm, made up the little valise of a pedestrian, and, without saying a word to any one,

wandered off at random among the mountains. After the lapse of a day or two, the captain was missed, and

every one marvelled what was become of him. Mr Philpot thought he must have been exploring a river, and

fallen in and got drowned in the process. Mr Firedamp had no doubt he had been crossing a mountain bog,

and had been suddenly deprived of life by the exhalations of marsh miasmata. Mr Henbane deemed it

probable that he had been tempted in some wood by the large black brilliant berries of the Atropa Belladonna,

or Deadly Nightshade; and lamented that he had not been by, to administer an infallible antidote. Mr

Eavesdrop hoped the particulars of his fate would be ascertained; and asked if any one present could help him

to any authentic anecdotes of their departed friend. The Reverend Doctor Folliott proposed that an inquiry

should be instituted as to whether the march of intellect had reached that neighbourhood; as, if so, the captain

had probably been made a subject for science. Mr Mac Quedy said it was no such great matter to ascertain the

precise mode in which the surplus population was diminished by one. Mr Toogood asseverated that there was

no such thing as surplus population, and that the land, properly managed, would maintain twenty times its

present inhabitants: and hereupon they fell into a disputation. Lady Clarinda did not doubt that the captain

had gone away designedly: she missed him more than she could have anticipated; and wished she had at least

postponed her last piece of cruelty till the completion of their homeward voyage.

THE CAPTAIN was neither drowned nor poisoned, neither miasmatised nor anatomised. But, before we

proceed to account for him, we must look back to a young lady, of whom some little notice was taken in the

first chapter; and who, though she has since been out of sight, has never with us been out of mind; Miss

Susannah Touchandgo, the forsaken of the junior Crotchet, whom we left an inmate of a solitary farm, in one

of the deep valleys under the cloudcapt summits of Meirion, comforting her wounded spirit with air and

exercise, rustic cheer, music, painting, and poetry, and the prattle of the little Ap Llymrys. One evening, after

an interval of anxious expectation, the farmer, returning from market, brought for her two letters, of which

Dotandcarryonetown, State of Apodidraskiana: April 1. 18.. MY DEAR CHILD, I am anxious to learn what

are your present position, intention, and prospects. The fairies who dropped gold in your shoe, on the

morning when I ceased to be a respectable man in London, will soon find a talismanic channel for

transmitting you a stocking full of dollars, which will fit the shoe, as well as the foot of Cinderella fitted her

slipper. I am happy to say, I am again become a respectable man. It was always my ambition to be a

respectable man; and I am a very respectable man here, in this new township of a new state, where I have

purchased five thousand acres of land, at two dollars an acre, hard cash, and established a very flourishing

bank. The notes of Touchandgo and Company, soft cash, are now the exclusive currency of all this vicinity.

This is the land in which all men flourish; but there are three classes of men who flourish

especially,Methodist preachers, slavedrivers, and papermoney manufacturers; and as one of the latter,

I have just painted the word BANK on a fine slab of maple, which was green and growing when I arrived,

and have discounted for the settlers, in my own currency, sundry bills, which are to be paid when the

proceeds of the crop they have just sown shall return from New Orleans; so that my notes are the

representatives of vegetation that is to be, and I am accordingly a capitalist of the first magnitude. The people

here know very well that I ran away from London, but the most of them have run away from some place or

other; and they have a great respect for me, because they think I ran away with something worth taking,

which few of them had the luck or the wit to do. This gives them confidence in my resources, at the same

time that, as there is nothing portable in the settlement exrcept my own notes, they have no fear that I shall

run away with them. They know I am thoroughly conversant with the principles of banking; and as they have

plenty of industry, no lack of sharpness, and abundance of land, they wanted nothing but capital to organise a

flourishing settlement; and this capital I have manufactured to the extent required, at the expense of a small

importation of pens, ink, and paper, and two or three inimitable copper plates. I have abundance here of all

good things, a good conscience included; for I really cannot see that I have done any wrong. This was my

position: I owed half a million of money; and I had a trifle in my pocket. It was clear that this trifle could

never find its way to the right owner. The question was, whether I should keep it, and live like a gentleman;

or hand it over to lawyers and commissioners of bankruptcy, and die like a dog on a dunghill. If I could have

thought that the said lawyers, &c., had a better title to it than myself, I might have hesitated; but, as such title

was not apparent to my satisfaction, I decided the question in my own favour; the right owners, as I have

already said, being out of the question altogether. I have always taken scientific views of morals and polities,

a habit from which I derive much comfort under existing circumstances. I hope you adhere to your music,

though I cannot hope again to accompany your harp with my flute. My last andante movement was too forte

for those whom it took by surprise. Let not your allegro vivace be damped by young Crotchet's desertion,

which, though I have not heard it, I take for granted. He is, like myself, a scientific politician, and has an eye

as keen as a needle, to his own interest. He has had good luck so far, and is gorgeous in the spoils of many

gulls; but I think the Polar Basin and Walrus Company will be too much for him yet. There has been a

splendid outlay on credit; and he is the only man, of the original parties concerned, of whom his majesty's

sheriffs could give any account. I will not ask you to come here. There is no husband for you. The men

smoke, drink, and fight, and break more of their own heads than of girls' hearts. Those among them who are

musical sing nothing but psalms. They are excellent fellows in their way, but you would not like them. Au

reste, here are no rents, no taxes, no poorrates, no tithes, no churchestablishment, no routs, no clubs, no

rotten boroughs, no operas, no concerts, no theatres, no beggars, no thieves, no king, no lords, no ladies, and

P.S.I send you one of my notes; I can afford to part with it. If you are accused of receiving money from

me, you may pay it over to my assignees. Robthetill continues to be my factotum; I say no more of him in

Dotandcarryonetown, &c. DEAR MISS, Mr Touchandgo will have told you of our arrival here, of our setting

up a bank, and so forth. We came here in a tilted waggon, which served us for parlour, kitchen, and all. We

soon got up a loghouse; and, unluckily, we as soon got it down again, for the first fire we made in it burned

down house and all. However, our second experiment was more fortunate; and we are pretty well lodged in a

house of three rooms on a floor; I should say the floor, for there is but one. This new state is free to hold

slaves; all the new states have not this privilege: Mr Touchandgo has bought some, and they are building him

a villa. Mr Touchandgo is in a thriving way, but he is not happy here: he longs for parties and concerts, and a

seat in congress. He thinks it very hard that he cannot buy one with his own coinage, as he used to do in

England. Besides, he is afraid of the regulators, who, if they do not like a man's character, wait upon him and

flog him, doubling the dose at stated intervals, till he takes himself off. He does not like this system of

administering justice: though I think he has nothing to fear from it. He has the character of having money,

which is the best of all characters here, as at home. He lets his old English prejudices influence his opinions

of his new neighbours; but I assure you they have many virtues. Though they do keep slaves, they are all

ready to fight for their own liberty; and I should not like to be an enemy within reach of one of their rifles.

When I say enemy, I include bailiff in the term. One was shot not long ago. There was a trial; the jury gave

two dollars damages; the judge said they must find guilty or not guilty; but the counsel for the defendant

(they would not call him prisoner), offered to fight the judge upon the point: and as this was said literally, not

metaphorically, and the counsel was a stout fellow, the judge gave in. The two dollars damages were not paid

after all; for the defendant challenged the foreman to box for double or quits, and the foreman was beaten.

The folks in New York made a great outcry about it, but here it was considered all as it should be. So you see,

Miss, justice, liberty, and every thing else of that kind, are different in different places, just as suits the

convenience of those who have the sword in their own hands. Hoping to hear of your health and happiness, I

MY DEAR FATHER, I am sure you have the best of hearts, and I have no doubt you have acted with the best

intentions. My lover, or I should rather say, my fortune's lover, has indeed forsaken me. I cannot say I did not

feel it; indeed, I cried very much; and the altered looks of people who used to be so delighted to see me,

really annoyed me, so that I determined to change the scene altogether. I have come into Wales, and am

boarding with a farmer and his wife. Their stock of English is very small, but I managed to agree with them;

and they have four of the sweetest children I ever saw, to whom I teach all I know, and I manage to pick up

some Welsh. I have puzzled out a little song, which I think very pretty; I have translated it into English, and I

send it you, with the original air. You shall play it on your flute at eight o'clock every Saturday evening, and I

will play and sing it at the same time, and I will fancy that I hear my dear papa accompanying me. The people

in London said very unkind things of you: they hurt me very much at the time; but now I am out of their way,

I do not seem to think their opinion of much consequence. I am sure, when I recollect, at leisure, every thing I

have seen and heard among them, I cannot make out what they do that is so virtuous as to set them up for

judges of morals. And I am sure they never speak the truth about any thing, and there is no sincerity in either

their love or their friendship. An old Welsh bard here, who wears a waistcoat embroidered with leeks, and is

called the Green Bard of Cadair Idris, says the Scotch would be the best people in the world if there was

nobody but themselves to give them a character; and so, I think, would the Londoners. I hate the very thought

of them, for I do believe they would have broken my heart if I had not got out of their way. Now I shall write

you another letter very soon, and describe to you the country, and the people, and the children, and how I

amuse myself, and every thing that I think you will like to hear about: and when I seal this letter, I shall drop

P.S.Tell Mr Robthetill I will write to him in a day or two. This is the little song I spoke of:

Beyond the sea, beyond the sea, My heart is gone, far, far from me; And ever on its track will flee My

Beyond the sea, beyond the sea, The swallow wanders fast and free: Oh, happy bird! were I like thee, I, too,

Beyond the sea, beyond the sea, Are kindly hearts and social glee: But here for me they may not be; My heart

THE CAPTAIN wandered despondingly up and down hill for several days, passing many hours of each in

sitting on rocks; making, almost mechanically, sketches of waterfalls, and mountain pools; taking care,

nevertheless, to be always before nightfall in a comfortable inn, where, being a temperate man, he wiled away

the evening with making a bottle of sherry into negus. His rambles brought him at length into the interior of

Merionethshire, the land of all that is beautiful in nature, and all that is lovely in woman. Here, in a secluded

village, he found a little inn, of small pretension and much comfort. He felt so satisfied with his quarters, and

discovered every day so much variety in the scenes of the surrounding mountains, that his inclination to

proceed farther diminished progressively. It is one thing to follow the high road through a country, with every

principally remarkable object carefully noted down in a book, taking, as therein directed, a guide, at

particular points, to the more recondite sights: it is another to sit down on one chosen spot, especially when

the choice is unpremeditated, and from thence, by a series of explorations, to come day by day on

unanticipated scenes. The latter process has many advantages over the former; it is free from the

disappointment which attends excited expectation, when imagination has outstripped reality, and from the

accidents that mar the scheme of the tourist's single day, when the valleys may be drenched with rain, or the

mountains shrouded with mist. The captain was one morning preparing to sally forth on his usual exploration,

when he heard a voice without, inquiring for a guide to the ruined castle. The voice seemed familiar to him,

and going forth into the gateway, he recognised Mr Chainmail. After greetings and inquiries for the absent,

'You vanished very abruptly, captain,' said Mr Chainmail, 'from our party on the canal.'

To tell you the truth, I had a particular reason for trying the effect of absence from a part of that party.

I surmised as much: at the same time, the unusual melancholy of an in general most vivacious young lady

made me wonder at your having acted so precipitately. The lady's heart is yours, if there be truth in signs.

Hearts are not now what they were in the days of the old song, 'Will love be controlled by advice?'

Very true; hearts, heads, and arms have all degenerated, most sadly. We can no more feel the high

impassioned love of the ages, which some people have the impudence to call dark, than we can wield King

Richard's battleaxe, bend Robin Hood's bow, or flourish the oaken graff of the Pinder of Wakefield. Still we

have our tastes and feelings, though they deserve not the name of passions; and some of us may pluck up

spirit to try to carry a point, when we reflect that we have to contend with men no better than ourselves.

No, nor even bulrushes. We jingle purses for them, flourish papermoney banners, and tilt with scrolls of

In which sort of tilting I have been thrown from the saddle. I presume it was not love that led you from the

By no means. I was tempted by the sight of an old tower, not to leave this land of ruined castles, without

I understand you live en famille with your domestics. You will have more difficulty in finding a lady who

would adopt your fashion of living, than one who would prefer you to a richer man.

Very true. I have tried the experiment on several as guests; but once was enough for them: so, I suppose, I

I see, like some others of my friends, you will give up any thing except your hobby.

You will never find a wife for your purpose, unless in the daughter of some oldfashioned farmer.

No, I thank you. I must have a lady of gentle blood; I shall not marry below my own condition: I am too

Why then your chance is not much better than mine. A wellborn beauty would scarcely be better pleased

with your baronial hall, than with my more humble offer of love in a cottage. She must have a townhouse,

and an operabox, and roll about the streets in a carriage; especially if her father has a rotten borough, for the

sake of which he sells his daughter, that he may continue to sell his country. But you were inquiring for a

guide to the ruined castle in this vicinity; I know the way, and will conduct you. The proposal pleased Mr

WOULD it not be a fine thing, captain,you being picturesque, and I poetical; you being for the lights and

shadows of the present, and I for those of the past,if we were to go together over the ground which was

travelled in the twelfth century by Giraldus de Barri, when he accompanied Archbishop Baldwin to preach

We would provide ourselves with his Itinerarium; compare what has been with what is; contemplate in their

decay the castles and abbeys which he saw in their strength and splendour; and, while you were sketching

their remains, I would dispassionately inquire what has been gained by the change.

Be it so. But the scheme was no sooner arranged than the captain was summoned to London by a letter on

business, which he did not expect to detain him long. Mr Chainmail, who, like the captain, was fascinated

with the inn and the scenery, determined to await his companion's return; and, having furnished him with a

list of books, which he was to bring with him from London, took leave of him, and began to pass his days

like the heroes of Ariosto, who tutto il giorno, al bel oprar intenti, Saliron balze, e traversar torrenti. One

day Mr Chainmail traced upwards the course of a mountainstream, to a spot where a small waterfall threw

itself over a slab of perpendicular rock, which seemed to bar his farther progress. On a nearer view, he

discovered a flight of steps, roughly hewn in the rock, on one side of the fall. Ascending these steps, he

entered a narrow winding pass, between high and naked rocks, that afforded only space for a rough footpath

carved on one side, at some height above the torrent. The pass opened on a lake, from which the stream

issued, and which lay like a dark mirror, set in a gigantic frame of mountain precipices. Fragments of rock lay

scattered on the edge of the lake, some halfburied in the water: Mr Chainmail scrambled some way over

these fragments, till the base of a rook, sinking abruptly in the water, effectually barred his progress. He sat

down on a large smooth stone; the faint murmur of the stream he had quitted, the occasional flapping of the

wings of the heron, and at long intervals the solitary springing of a trout, were the only sounds that came to

his ear. The sun shone brightly halfway down the opposite rocks, presenting, on their irregular faces, strong

masses of light and shade. Suddenly he heard the dash of a paddle, and, turning his eyes, saw a solitary and

beautiful girl gliding over the lake in a coracle; she was proceeding from the vicinity of the point he had

quitted towards the upper end of the lake. Her apparel was rustic, but there was in its style something more

recherch�, in its arrangement something more of elegance and precision, than was common to the mountain

peasant girl. It had more of the contadina of the opera than of the genuine mountaineer; so at least thought Mr

Chainmail; but she passed so rapidly, and took him so much by surprise, that he had little opportunity for

accurate observation. He saw her land, at the farther extremity, and disappear among the rocks: he rose from

his seat, returned to the mouth of the pass, stepped from stone to stone across the stream, and attempted to

pass round by the other side of the lake; but there again the abruptly sinking precipice closed his way. Day

after day he haunted the spot, but never saw again either the damsel or the coracle. At length, marvelling at

himself for being so solicitous about the apparition of a peasant girl in a coracle, who could not, by any

possibility, be any thing to him, he resumed his explorations in another direction. One day he wandered to the

ruined castle, on the seashore, which was not very distant from his inn; and sitting on the rock, near the base

of the ruin, was calling up the forms of past ages on the wall of an ivied tower, when on its summit appeared

a female figure, whom he recognised in an instant for his nymph of the coracle. The folds of the blue gown

pressed by the sea breeze against one of the most symmetrical of figures, the black feather of the black hat,

and the ringleted hair beneath it fluttering in the wind; the apparent peril of her position, on the edge of the

mouldering wall, from whose immediate base the rock went down perpendicularly to the sea, presented a

singularly interesting combination to the eye of the young antiquary. Mr Chainmail had to pass half round the

castle, on the land side, before he could reach the entrance: he coasted the dry and bramblegrown moat,

crossed the unguarded bridge, passed the unportcullised arch of the gateway, entered the castle court,

ascertained the tower, ascended the broken stairs, and stood on the ivied wall. But the nymph of the place was

gone. He searched the ruins within and without, but he found not what he sought: he haunted the castle day

The stars of midnight shall be dear To her, and she shall lean her ear In many a secret place, Where rivulets

dance their wayward round, And beauty, born of murmuring sound, Shall pass into her face.

MISS Susannah Touchandgo had read the four great poets of Italy, and many of the best writers of France.

About the time of her father's downfall, accident threw into her way Les R�veries du Promeneur Solitaire;

and from the impression which these made on her, she carried with her into retirement all the works of

Rousseau. In the midst of that startling light which the conduct of old friends on a sudden reverse of fortune

throws on a young and inexperienced mind, the doctrines of the philosopher of Geneva struck with double

force upon her sympathies: she imbibed the sweet poison, as somebody calls it, of his writings, even to a love

of truth; which, every wise man knows, ought to be left to those who can get any thing by it. The society of

children, the beauties of nature, the solitude of the mountains, became her consolation, and, by degrees, her

delight. The gay society from which she had been excluded remained on her memory only as a disagreeable

dream. She imbibed her new monitor's ideas of simplicity of dress, assimilating her own with that of the

peasant girls in the neighbourhood; the black hat, the blue gown, the black stockings, the shoes tied on the

instep. Pride was, perhaps, at the bottom of the change; she was willing to impose in some measure on

herself, by marking a contemptuous indifference to the characteristics of the class of societv from which she

had fallen, And with the food of pride sustained her soul In solitude. It is true that she somewhat modified the

forms of her rustic dress: to the black hat she added a black feather, to the blue gown she added a tippet, and a

waistband fastened in front with a silver buckle; she wore her black stockings very smooth and tight on her

ancles, and tied her shoes in tasteful bows, with the nicest possible ribbon. In this apparel, to which, in

winter, she added a scarlet cloak, she made dreadful havoc among the rustic mountaineers, many of whom

proposed to 'keep company' with her in the Cambrian fashion, an honour which, to their great surprise, she

always declined. Among these, Harry ApHeather, whose father rented an extensive sheepwalk, and had a

thousand shelambs wandering in the mountains, was the most strenuous in his suit, and the most pathetic in

his lamentations for her cruelty. Miss Susannah often wandered among the mountains alone, even to some

distance from the farmhouse. Sometimes she descended into the bottom of the dingles, to the black rocky

beds of the torrents, and dreamed away hours at the feet of the cataracts. One spot in particular, from which

she had at first shrunk with terror, became by degrees her favourite haunt. A path turning and returning at

acute angles, led down a steep woodcovered slope to the edge of a chasm, where a pool, or restingplace of

a torrent, lay far below. A cataract fell in a single sheet into the pool; the pool boiled and bubbled at the base

of the fall, but through the greater part of its extent lay calm, deep, and black, as if the cataract had plunged

through it to an unimaginable depth without disturbing its eternal repose. At the opposite extremity of the

pool, the rocks almost met at their summits, the trees of the opposite banks intermingled their leaves, and

another cataract plunged from the pool into a chasm on which the sunbeams never gleamed. High above, on

both sides, the steep woody slopes of the dingle soared into the sky; and from a fissure in the rock, on which

the little path terminated, a single gnarled and twisted oak stretched itself over the pool, forming a fork with

its boughs at a short distance from the rock. Miss Susannah often sat on the rock, with her feet resting on this

tree: in time, she made her seat on the tree itself, with her feet hanging over the abyss; and at length she

accustomed herself to lie along upon its trunk, with her side on the mossy boll of the fork, and an arm round

one of the branches. From this position a portion of the sky and the woods was reflected in the pool, which,

from its bank, was but a mass of darkness. The first time she reclined in this manner, her heart beat audibly;

in time, she lay down as calmly as on the mountain heather: the perception of the sublime was probably

heightened by an intermingled sense of danger; and perhaps that indifference to life, which early

disappointment forces upon sensitive minds, was necessary to the first experiment. There was, in the novelty

and strangeness of the position, an excitement which never wholly passed away, but which became gradually

subordinate to the influence, at once tranquillising and elevating, of the mingled eternity of motion, sound,

and solitude. One sultry noon, she descended into this retreat with a mind more than usually disturbed by

reflections on the past. She lay in her favourite position, sometimes gazing on the cataract; looking

sometimes up the steep sylvan acclivities into the narrow space of the cloudless ether; sometimes down into

the abyss of the pool, and the deep brightblue reflections that opened another immensity below her. The

distressing recollections of the morning, the world, and all its littlenesses, faded from her thoughts like a

dream; but her wounded and wearied spirit drank in too deeply the tranquillising power of the place, and she

dropped asleep upon the tree like a shipboy on the mast. At this moment Mr Chaininail emerged into

daylight, on a projection of the opposite rock, having struck down through the woods in search of

unsophisticated scenery. The scene he discovered filled him with delight: he seated himself on the rock, and

fell into one of his romantic reveries; when suddenly the semblance of a black hat and feather caught his eye

among the foliage of the projecting oak. He started up, shifted his position, and got a glimpse of a blue gown.

It was his lady of the lake, his enchantress of the ruined castle, divided from him by a barrier, which, at a few

yards below, he could almost overleap, yet unapproachable but by a circuit perhaps of many hours. He

watched with intense anxiety. To listen if she breathed was out of the question: the noses of a dean and

chapter would have been soundless in the roar of the torrent. From her extreme stillness, she appeared to

sleep: yet what creature, not desperate, would go wilfully to sleep in such a place? Was she asleep then? Nay,

was she alive? She was as motionless as death. Had she been murdered, thrown from above, and caught in the

tree? She lay too regularly and too composedly for such a supposition. She was asleep then, and in all

probability her waking would be fatal. He shifted his position. Below the pool two beetlebrowed rocks

nearly overarched the chasm, leaving just such a space at the summit as was within the possibility of a leap;

the torrent roared below in a fearful gulf. He paused some time on the brink, measuring the practicability and

the danger, and casting every now and then an anxious glance to his sleeping beauty. In one of these glances

he saw a slight movement of the blue gown, and, in a moment after, the black hat and feather dropped into

the pool. Reflection was lost for a moment, and, by a sudden impulse, he bounded over the chasm. He stood

above the projecting oak; the unknown beauty lay like the nymph of the scene; her long black hair, which the

fall of her hat had disengaged from its fastenings, drooping through the boughs: he saw that the first thing to

be done was to prevent her throwing her feet off the trunk, in the first movements of waking. He sat down on

the rock, and placed his feet on the stem, securing her ancles between his own: one of her arms was round a

branch of the fork, the other lay loosely on her side. The hand of this arm he endeavoured to reach, by leaning

forward from his seat; he approximated, but could not touch it: after several tantalising efforts, he gave up the

point in despair. He did not attempt to wake her, because he feared it might have bad consequences, and he

resigned himself to expect the moment of her natural waking, determined not to stir from his post, if she

should sleep till midnight. In this period of forced inaction, he could contemplate at leisure the features and

form of his charmer. She was not one of the slender beauties of romance; she was as plump as a partridge; her

cheeks were two roses, not absolutely damask, yet verging thereupon; her lips twincherries, of equal size;

her nose regular, and almost Grecian; her forehead high, and delicately fair; her eyebrows symmetrically

arched; her eyelashes long, black, and silky, fitly corresponding with the beautiful tresses that hung among

the leaves of the oak, like clusters of wandering grapes. Her eyes were yet to be seen; but how could he doubt

that their opening would be the rising of the sun, when all that surrounded their fringy portals was radiant as

Da ydyw'r gwaith, rhaid d'we'yd y gwir, Ar fryniau S�r Meirionydd; Golwg oer o'r gwaela gawn Mae hi etto

Though Meirion's rocks, and hills of heath Repel the distant sight; Yet where, than those bleak hills beneath,

AT LENGTH the young lady awoke. She was startled at the sudden sight of the stranger, and somewhat

terrified at the first perception of her position. But she soon recovered her selfpossession, and, extending her

hand to the offered hand of Mr Chainmail, she raised herself up on the tree, and stepped on the rocky bank.

Mr Chainmail solicited permission to attend her to her home, which the young lady graciously conceded.

They emerged from the woody dingle, traversed an open heath, wound along a mountain road by the shore of

a lake, descended to the deep bed of another stream, crossed it by a series of stepping stones, ascended to

some height on the opposite side, and followed upwards the line of the stream, till the banks opened into a

spacious amphitheatre, where stood, in its fields and meadows, the farmhouse of ApLlymry. During this

walk, they had kept up a pretty animated conversation. The lady had lost her hat; and, as she turned towards

Mr Chaimnail, in speaking to him, there was no envious projection of brim to intercept the beams of those

radiant eyes he had been so anxious to see unclosed. There was in them a mixture of softness and brilliancy,

the perfection of the beauty of female eyes, such as some men have passed through life without seeing, and

such as no man ever saw, in any pair of eyes, but once; such as can never be seen and forgotten. Young

Crotchet had seen it; he had not forgotten it; but he had trampled on its memory, as the renegade tramples on

the emblems of a faith which his interest only, and not his heart or his reason, has rejected. Her hair streamed

over her shoulders; the loss of the black feather had left nothing but the rustic costume, the blue gown, the

black stockings, and the ribbontied shoes. Her voice had that full soft volume of melody which gives to

common speech the fascination of music. Mr Chainmail could not reconcile the dress of the damsel with her

conversation and manners. He threw out a remote question or two, with the hope of solving the riddle; but,

receiving no reply, he became satisfied that she was not disposed to be communicative respecting herself,

and, fearing to offend her, fell upon other topics. They talked of the scenes of the mountains, of the dingle,

the ruined castle, the solitary lake. She told him that lake lay under the mountains behind her home, and the

coracle and the pass at the extremity saved a long circuit to the nearest village, whither she sometimes went

to inquire for letters. Mr Chainmail felt curious to know from whom these letters might be; and he again

threw out two or three fishing questions, to which, as before, he obtained no answer. The only living biped

they met in their walk was the unfortunate Harry ApHeather, with whom they fell in by the steppingstones,

who, seeing the girl of his heart hanging on another man's arm, and concluding at once that they were

'keeping company,' fixed on her a mingled look of surprise, reproach, and tribulation; and, unable to control

his feelings under the sudden shock, burst into a flood of tears, and blubbered till the rocks reechoed. They

left him mingling his tears with the stream, and his lamentations with its murmurs. Mr Chainmail inquired

who that strange creature might be, and what was the matter with him. The young lady answered, that he was

a very worthy young man, to whom she had been the innocent cause of much unhappiness. 'I pity him

sincerely,' said Mr Chaimnail; and, nevertheless, he could scarcely restrain his laughter at the exceedingly

original figure which the unfortunate rustic lover had presented by the steppingstones. The children ran out

to meet their dear Miss Susan, jumped all round her, and asked what was become of her hat. ApLlymry

came out in great haste, and invited Mr Chainmail to walk in and dine: Mr Chainmail did not wait to be asked

twice. In a few minutes the whole party, Miss Susan and Mr Chainmail, Mr and Mrs ApLlymry, and

progeny, were seated over a clean homespun tablecloth, ornamented with fowls and bacon, a pyramid of

potatoes, another of cabbage, which ApLlymry said 'was poiled with the pacon, and as coot as marrow,' a

bowl of milk for the children, and an immense brown jug of foaming ale, with which ApLlymry seemed to

delight in filling the horn of his new guest. Shall we describe the spacious apartment, which was at once

kitchen, hall, and diningroom,the large dark rafters, the pendent bacon and onions, the strong old oaken

furniture, the bright and trimly arranged utensils? Shall we describe the cut of ApLlymry's coat, the colour

and tie of his neckcloth, the number of buttons at his knees,the structure of Mrs ApLlymry's cap, having

lappets over the ears, which were united under the chin, setting forth especially whether the bond of union

were a pin or a ribbon? We shall leave this tempting field of interesting expatiation to those whose brains are

highpressure steam engines for spinning prose by the furlong, to be trumpeted in paidfor paragraphs in the

quack's corner of newspapers: modern literature having attained the honourable distinction of sharing with

blacking and macassar oil, the space which used to be monopolized by razorstrops and the lottery, whereby

that very enlightened community, the reading public, is tricked into the perusal of much exemplary nonsense;

though the few who see through the trickery have no reason to complain, since as 'good wine needs no bush,'

so, ex vi oppositi, these bushes of venal panegyric point out very clearly that the things they celebrate are not

worth reading. The party dined very comfortably in a corner most remote from the fire; and Mr Chainmail

very soon found his head swimmmg with two or three horns of ale, of a potency to which even he was

unaccustomed. After dinner, ApLlymry made him finish a bottle of mead, which he willingly accepted, both

as an excuse to remain, and as a drink of the dark ages, which he had no doubt was a genuine brewage, from

uncorrupted tradition. In the meantime, as soon as the cloth was removed, the children had brought out Miss

Susannah's harp. She began, without affectation, to play and sing to the children, as was her custom of an

afternoon, first in their own language, and their national melodies, then in English; but she was soon

interrupted by a general call of little voices for 'Ouf! di giorno.' She complied with the request, and sang the

ballad from Pa�r's Camilla: Un d� carco il mulinaro. The children were very familiar with every syllable of

this ballad, which had been often fully explained to them. They danced in a circle with the burden of every

verse, shouting out the chorus with good articulation and joyous energy; and at the end of the second stanza,

where the traveller has his nose pinched by his grandmother's ghost, every nose in the party was nipped by a

pair of little fingers. Mr Chainmail, who was not prepared for the process, came in for a very energetic tweak,

from a chubby girl that sprang suddenly on his knees for the purpose, and made the roof ring with her

laughter. So passed the time till evening, when Mr Chainmail moved to depart. But it turned out on inquiry

that he was some miles from his inn, that the way was intricate, and that he must not make any difficulty

about accepting the farmer's hospitality till morning. The evening set in with rain: the fire was found

agreeable; they drew around it. The young lady made tea; and afterwards, from time to lime, at Mr

Chainmail's special request, delighted his ear with passages of ancient music. Then came a supper of lake

trout, fried on the spot, and thrown, smoking hot, from the pan to the plate. Then came a brewage, which the

farmer called his nightcap, of which he insisted on Mr Chainmail's taking his full share. After which the

gentleman remembered nothing, till he awoke, the next morning, to the pleasant consciousness that he was

under the same roof with one of the most fascinating creatures under the canopy of heaven.

Sprung from what line, adorns the maid These valleys deep in mountain shade? RABELAIS

MR CHAINMAIL forgot the captain and the route of Giraldus de Barri. He became suddenly satisfied that

the ruined castle in his present neighbourhood was the best possible specimen of its class, and that it was

needless to carry his researches further. He visited the farm daily: found himself always welcome; flattered

himself that the young lady saw him with pleasure, and dragged a heavier chain at every new parting from

Miss Susan, as the children called his nymph of the mountains. What might be her second name, he had

vainly endeavoured to discover. Mr Chainmail was in love; but the determination he had long before formed

and fixed in his mind, to marry only a lady of gentle blood, without a blot on her escutcheon, repressed the

declarations of passion which were often rising to his lips. In the meantime, he left no means untried, to pluck

out the heart of her mystery. The young lady soon divined his passion, and penetrated his prejudices. She

began to look on him with favourable eyes; but she feared her name and parentage would present an

insuperable barrier to his feudal pride. Things were in this state when the captain returned, and unpacked his

Really, captain, I find so many objects of attraction in this neighbourhood, that I would gladly postpone our

Undoubtedly, this neighbourhood has many attractions; but there is something very inviting in the scheme

No doubt, there is something very tempting in the route of Giraldus de Barri. But there are better things in

this vicinity even than that. To tell you the truth, captain, I have fallen in love.

A pool not far off: a restingplace of a mountain stream, which is said to have no bottom. There is a tradition

Gwenwynwyn withdrew from the feasts of his hall; He slept very little, he prayed not at all; He pondered, and

wandered, and studied alone; And sought, night and day, the philosopher's stone.

He found it at length, and he made its first proof By tuning to gold all the lead of his roof: Then he bought

some magnanimous heroes, all fire, Who lived but to smite and be smitten for hire.

With these, on the plains like a torrent he broke; He filled the whole country with flame and with smoke; He

killed all the swine, and he broached all the wine; He drove off the sheep, and the beeves, and the kine;

He took castles and towns; he cut short limbs and lives; He made orphans and widows of children and wives:

This course many years he triumphantly ran, And did mischief enough to be called a great man.

When, at last, he had gained all for which he had striven, He bethought him of buying a passport to heaven;

Good and great as he was, yet he did not well know How soon, or which way, his great spirit might go.

He sought the grey friars, who, beside a wild stream, Refected their frames on a primitive scheme; The

gravest and wisest Gwenwynwyn found out, All lonely and ghostly, and angling for trout.

Below the white dash of a mighty cascade, Where a pool of the stream a deep restingplace made, And

rockrooted oaks stretched their branches on high, The friar stood musing, and throwing his fly.

To him said Gwenwynwyn, 'Hold, father, here's store, For the good of the church, and the good of the poor;'

Then he gave him the stone; but, ere more he could speak, Wrath came on the friar, so holy and meek:

He had stretched forth his hand to receive the red gold, And he thought himself mocked by Gwenwynwyn the

Bold; And in scorn of the gift, and in rage at the giver, He jerked it immediately into the river.

Gwenwynwyn, aghast, not a syllable spake; The philosopher's stone made a duck and a drake: Two systems

of circles a moment were seen, And the stream smoothed them off, as they never had been.

Gwenwynwyn regained, and uplifted, his voice: Oh friar, grey friar, full rash was thy choice; The stone, the

good stone, which away thou hast thrown, Was the stone of all stones, the philosopher's stone! '

The friar looked pale, when his error he knew; The friar looked red, and the friar looked blue; And heels over

head, from the point of a rock, He plunged, without stopping to pull off his frock.

He dived very deep, but he dived all in vain, The prize he had slighted he found not again: Many times did

Gwenwynwyn gazed long, of his senses in doubt, To see the grey friar a diver so stout: Then sadly and

slowly his castle he sought, And left the friar diving, like dabchick distraught.

Gwenwynwyn fell sick with alarm and despite, Died, and went to the devil, the very same night: The

magnanimous heroes he held in his pay Sacked his castle, and marched with the plunder away.

No knell on the silence of midnight was rolled, For the flight of the soul of Gwenwynwyn the Bold: The

brethren, unfeed, let the mighty ghost pass, Without praying a prayer, or intoning a mass.

The friar haunted ever beside the dark stream; The philosopher's stone was his thought and his dream: And

day after day, ever head under heels, He dived all the time he could spare from his meals.

He dived, and he dived, to the end of his days, As the peasants oft witnessed with fear and amaze: The mad

friar's divingplace long was their theme, And no plummet can fathom that pool of the stream.

And still, when light clouds on the midnight winds ride, If by moonlight you stray on the lone riverside, The

ghost of the friar may be seen diving there, With head in the water, and heels in the air

Well, your ballad is very pleasant: you shall show me the scene, and I will sketch it; but just now I am more

interested about your love. What heroine of the twelfth century has risen from the ruins of the old castle, and

You are nearer the mark than you suppose. Even from those battlements a heroine of the twelfth century has

Oh! some vision of an ideal beauty. I suppose the whole will end in another tradition and a ballad.

Genuine flesh and blood; as genuine as Lady Clarinda. I will tell you the story.

Then you seem to have found what you wished. Chance has thrown in your way what none of the gods would

Yes, but I know nothing of her birth and parentage. She tells me nothing of herself, and I have no right to

She appears to be expressly destined for the light of your baronial hall. Introduce me: in this case, two heads

No, I thank you. Leave me to manage my chance of a prize, and keep you to your own chance of a

Blank. As you please. Well, I will pitch my tent here, till I have filled my portfolio, and shall be glad of as

Matters went on pretty smoothly for several days, when an unlucky newspaper threw all into confusion. Mr

Chainmail received newspapers by the post, which came in three times a week. One morning, over their

halffinished breakfast, the captain had read half a newspaper very complacently, when suddenly he started

up in a frenzy, hurled over the breakfast table, and, bouncing from the apartment, knocked down Harry

ApHeather, who was coming in at the door to challenge his supposed rival to a boxingmatch. Harry sprang

up, in a double rage, and intercepted Mr Chainmail's pursuit of the captain, placing himself in the doorway, in

a pugilistic attitude. Mr Chainmail, not being disposed for this mode of combat, stepped back into the

parlour, took the poker in his right hand, and displacing the loose bottom of a large elbow chair, threw it over

his left arm, as a shield. Harry, not liking the aspect of the enemy in this imposing attitude, retreated with

backward steps into the kitchen, and tumbled over a cur, which immediately fastened on his rear. Mr

Chainmail, halflaughing, halfvexed, anxious to overtake the captain, and curious to know what was the

matter with him, pocketed the newspaper, and sallied forth, leaving Harry roaring for a doctor and a tailor, to

repair the operations of his outward man. Mr Chainmail could find no trace of the captain. Indeed, he sought

him but in one direction, which was that leading to the farm; where he arrived in due time, and found Miss

Susan alone. He laid the newspaper on the table, as was his custom, and proceeded to converse with the

young lady: a conversation of many pauses, as much of signs as of words. The young lady took up the paper,

and turned it over and ever, while she listened to Mr Chainmail, whom she found every day more and more

agreeable, when, suddenly, her eye glanced on something which made her change colour, and dropping the

paper on the ground, she rose from her seat, exclaiming, 'Miserable must she be who trusts any of your

faithless sex! Never, never, never, will I endure such misery twice.' And she vanished up the stairs. Mr

Chainmail was petrified. At length, he cried aloud, 'Cornelius Agrippa must have laid a spell on this accursed

newspaper;' and was turning it over, to look for the source of the mischief, when Mrs ApLlymry made her

What have you done to poor dear Miss Susan? She is crying, ready to break her heart.

So help me the memory of Richard CoeurdeLion, I have not the most distant notion of what is the matter!

Oh, don't tell me, sir; you must have illused her. I know how it is. You have been keeping company with

her, as if you wanted to marry her; and now, all at once, you have been trying to make her your mistress. I

My dear madam, you wrong me utterly. I have none but the kindest feelings and the most honourable

purposes towards her. She has been disturbed by something she has seen in this rascally paper.

Not I, indeed, madam. Out of this house I stir not, till I have seen the young lady, and obtained a full

Mr Chainmail sate with as much patience as he could command, running over the paper, from column to

column. At length, he lighted on an announcement of the approaching marriage of Lady Clarinda Bossnowl

with Mr Crotchet the younger. This explained the captain's discomposure, but the cause of Miss Susan's was

still to be sought; he could not know that it was one and the same. Presently the sound of the longedfor step

was heard on the stairs; the young lady reappeared, and resumed her seat: her eyes showed that she had been

weeping. The gentleman was now exceedingly puzzled how to begin, but the young lady relieved him by

I wish, if I may be permitted, to explain myself to you. Yet could I frst wish to know what it was that

disturbed you in this unlucky paper. Happy should I be if I could remove the cause of your inquietude!

The cause is already removed. I saw something that excited painful recollections; nothing that I could now

Yet, may I ask why it is that I find one so accomplished living in this obscurity, and passing only by the name

The world and my name are not friends. I have left the world, and wish to remain for ever a stranger to all

No, sir. My father has done that of which the world disapproves, in matters of which I pretend not to judge. I

have suffered for it as I will never suffer again. My name is my own secret; I have no other, and that is one

not worth knowing. You see what I am, and all I am. I live according to the condition of my present fortune;

My hand and heart are free; but they must be sought from myself, and not from my name.

She fixed her eyes on him, with a mingled expression of mistrust, of kindness, and of fixed resolution, which

Reflect. You have prejudices on the score of parentage. I have not conversed with you so often, without

knowing what they are. Choose between them and me. I too have my own prejudices on the score of personal

I would choose you from all the world, were you even the daughter of the ex�cuteur des hautes oeuvres, as

I am satisfied. You have now a right to know my history; and, if you repent, I absolve you from all

She told him her history; but he was out of the reach of repentance. 'It is true,' as at a subsequent period he

said to the captain, 'she is the daughter of a moneychanger; one who, in the days of Richard the First, would

have been plucked by the beard in the streets; but she is, according to modern notions, a lady of gentle blood.

As to her father's running away, that is a minor consideration: I have always understood, from Mr Mac

Quedy, who is a great oracle in this way, that promises to pay ought not to be kept; the essence of a safe and

economical currency being an interminable series of broken promises. There seems to be a difference among

the learned as to the way in which the promises ought to be broken; but I am not deep enough in their

casuistry to enter into such nice distinctions.' In a few days there was a wedding, a pathetic leavetaking of

the farmer's family, a hundred kisses from the bride to the children, and promises twenty times reclaimed and

A cup of wine, that's brisk and fine, And drink unto the leman mine. MASTER SILENCE

THIS veridicous history began in May, and the occurrences already narrated have carried it on to the middle

of autumn. Stepping over the interval to Christmas, we find ourselves in our first locality, among the chalk

hills of the Thames; and we discover our old friend, Mr Crotchet, in the act of accepting an invitation, for

himself, and any friends who might be with him, to pass their Christmasday at Chainmail Hall, after the

fashion of the twelfth century. Mr Crotchet had assembled about him, for his own Christmasfestivities,

nearly the same party which was introduced to the reader in the spring. Three of that party were wanting. Dr

Morbific, by inoculating himself once too often with noncontagious matter, had explained himself out of the

world. Mr Henbane had also departed, on the wings of an infallible antidote. Mr Eavesdrop, having printed in

a magazine some of the afterdinner conversations of the castle, had had sentence of exclusion passed upon

him, on the motion of the Reverend Doctor Folliott, as a flagitious violator of the confidences of private life.

Miss Crotchet had become Lady Bossnowl, but Lady Clarinda had not yet changed her name to Crotchet. She

had, on one pretense and another, procrastinated the happy event, and the gentleman had not been very

pressing; she had, however, accompanied her brother and sisterinlaw, to pass Christmas at Crotchet Castle.

With these, Mr Mac Quedy, Mr Philpot, Mr Trillo, Mr Skionar, Mr Toogood, and Mr Firedamp, were sitting

at breakfast, when the Reverend Doctor Folliott entered and took his seat at the table.

Well, Mr Mac Quedy, it is now some weeks since we have met: how goes on the march of mind?

Sir, I have seen it, much to my discomfiture. It has marched into my rickyard, and set my stacks on fire,

with chemical materials, most scientifically compounded. It has marched up to the door of my vicarage, a

hundred and fifty strong; ordered me to surrender half my tithes; consumed all the provisions I had provided

for my audit feast, and drunk up my old October. It has marched in through my backparlour shutters, and

out again with my silver spoons, in the dead of the night. The policeman, who was sent down to examine,

says my house has been broken open on the most scientific principles. All this comes of education.

No, sir. Robbery perhaps comes of poverty, but scientific principles of robbery come of education. I suppose

the learned friend has written a sixpenny treatise on mechanics, and the rascals who robbed me have been

Your house would have been very safe, doctor, if they had had no better science than the learned friend's to

Well, sir, that may be. Excellent potted char. The Lord deliver me from the learned friend.

Well, doctor, for your comfort, here is a declaration of the learned friend's that he will never take office.

That am I, for there will be an excellent dinner, though, peradventure, grotesquely served.

Indeed! If she suits him, she must be an oddity: it will be amusing to see them together.

You will sit on old chairs, round an old table, by the light of old lamps, suspended from pointed arches,

which, Mr Chainmail says, frst came into use in the twelfth century; with old Armour on the pillars, and old

Morebeautiful. A subject for the pen of Nonnus, or the pencil of Zeuxis. Features of all loveliness, radiant

with all virtue and intelligence. A face for Antigone. A form at once plump and symmetrical, that, if it be

decorous to divine it by externals, would have been a model for the Venus of Cnidos. Never was any thing so

goodly to look on, the present company excepted, and poor dear Mrs Folliott. She reads moral philosophy,

Mr Mac Quedy, which indeed she might as well let alone; she reads Italian poetry, Mr Skionar; she sings

Italian music, Mr Trillo; but, with all this, she has the greatest of female virtues, for she superintends the

household, and looks after her husband's dinner. I believe she was a mountaineer: parthenos ouresiphoitos,

Vous autres dictes que ignorance est mere de tous maulx, et dictes vray: mais toutesfoys vous ne la bannissez

mye de vos entendemens, et vivez en elle, avecques elle, et par elle. C'est pourquoy tant de maulx vous

THE PARTY which was assembled on Christmasday in Chainmail Hall, comprised all the guests of

Crotchet Castle, some of Mr Chainmail's other neighbours, all his tenants and domestics, and Captain

Fitzchrome. The hall was spacious and lofty; and with its tall fluted pillars and pointed arches, its windows of

stained glass, its display of arms and banners intermingled with holly and mistletoe, its blazing cressets and

torches, and a stupendous fire in the centre, on which blocks of pine were flaming and crackling, had a

striking effect on eyes unaccustomed to such a diningroom. The fire was open on all sides, and the smoke

was caught and carried back, under a funnelformed canopy, into a hollow central pillar. This fire was the

line of demarcation between gentle and simple, on days of high festival. Tables extended from it on two

sides, to nearly the end of the hall. Mrs Chainmail was introduced to the company. Young Crotchet felt some

revulsion of feeling at the unexpected sight of one whom he had forsaken, but not forgotten, in a condition

apparently so much happier than his own. The lady held out her hand to him with a cordial look of more than

forgiveness; it seemed to say that she had much to thank him for. She was the picture of a happy bride,

rayonnante de joie et d'amour. Mr Crotchet told the Reverend Doctor Folliott the news of the morning. 'As

you predicted,' he said, 'your friend, the learned friend, is in office; he has also a title; he is now Sir Guy de

Thank heaven for that! he is disarmed from further mischief. It is something, at any rate, to have that hollow

I suppose, doctor, you do not like to see a great reformer in office; you are afraid for your vested interests.

Not I, indeed, sir; my vested interests are very safe from all such reformers as the learned friend. I vaticinate

what will be the upshot of all his schemes of reform. He will make a speech of seven hours' duration, and this

will be its quintessence: that, seeing the exceeding difficulty of putting salt on the bird's tail, it will be

expedient to consider the best method of throwing dust in the bird's eyes. All the rest will be

Tititititimpro. Popopoi, popopoi. Tiotiotiotiotiotiotigx. Kikkabau, kikkabau. Torotorotorotorolililigx.

Mr Mac Quedy came up to the divine as Mr Crotchet left him, and said: 'There is one piece of news which

the old gentleman has not told you. The great firm of Catchflat and Company, in which young Crotchet is a

Bless me! that accounts for the young gentleman's melancholy. I thought they would overreach themselves

with their own tricks. The day of reckoning, Mr Mac Quedy, is the point which your papermoney science

I do not see, sir, that the failure of Catchflat and Company has any thing to do with my science.

It has this to do with it, sir, that you would turn the whole nation into a great papermoney shop, and take no

thought of the day of reckoning. But the dinner is coming. I think you, who are so fond of paper promises,

The harper at the head of the hall struck up an ancient march, and the dishes were brought in, in grand

procession. The boar's head, garnished with rosemary, with a citron in its mouth, led the van. Then came

tureens of plumporridge; then a series of turkeys, and, in the midst of them, an enormous sausage, which it

required two men to carry. Then came geese and capons, tongues and hams, the ancient glory of the

Christmas pie, a gigantic plumpudding, a pyramid of minced pies, and a baron of beef bringing up the rear.

'It is something new under the sun,' said the divine, as he sat down, 'to see a great dinner without fish.'

Well, sir, I prefer our reformed system of putting fasts and feasts together. Not but here is ample indemnity.

Ale and wine flowed in abundance. The dinner passed off merrily; the old harper playing all the while the

oldest music in his repertory. The tables being cleared, he indemnified himself for lost time at the lower end

of the hall, in company with the old butler and the other domestics, whose attendance on the banquet had

been indispensable. The scheme of Christmas gambols, which Mr Chainmail had laid for the evening, was

'Who is there?' he added, approaching the door of the hall. 'Who is there? ' vociferated the divine, with the

Ho, ho! here is a piece of the dark ages we did not bargain for. Here is the Jacquerie. Here is the march of

Do you not see that you have brought disparates together? the Jacquerie and the march of mind.

Not at all, sir. They are the same thing, under different names. Poll�n onomat�n morph� mia. What was

Jacquerie in the dark ages, is the march of mind in this very enlightened onevery enlightened one.

It is the natural result, Mr Mac Queedy, of that system of state seamanship which your science upholds.

Putting the crew on short allowance, and doubling the rations of the officers is the sure way to make a mutiny

Eh! sir, I uphold no such system as that. I shall set you right as to cause and effect. Discontent increases with

I said it was the march of mind. But we have not time for discussing cause and effect now. Let us get rid of

And he vociferated at the top of his voice, 'What do you want here?' 'Arms, arms,' replied a hundred voices,

You see, Mr Chainmail, this is the inconvenience of keeping an armoury, not fortified with sand bags, green

My spears and swords! not without my life. These assailants are all aliens to my land and house. My men will

Eh! sir, when the rabble is up, it is very indiscriminating. You are e'en suffering for the sins of Sir Simon

Steeltrap, and the like, who have pushed the principle of accumulation a little too far.

That is very well (where it can be afforded), in the way of prevention; but in the way of cure, the operation

must be more drastic. (Taking down a battleaxe.) I would fain have a good blunderbuss charged with slugs.

When I suspended these arms for ornament, I never dreamed of their being called into use.

Let me address them. I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.

I have no fancy for fighting. It is a very hard case upon a guest, when the latter end of a feast is the beginning

Give them the weapons! Pessimo, medius fidius, exemplo. Forbid it the spirit of Fr�re Jean des

Entommeures! No! let us see what the church militant, in the armour of the twelfth century, will do against

the march of mind. Follow me who will, and stay who list. Here goes: Pro aris et focis! that is, for tithe pigs

He clapped a helmet on his head, seized a long lance, threw open the gates, and tilted out on the rabble, side

by side with Mr Chainmail, followed by the greater portion of the male inmates of the hall, who had armed

themselves at random. The rabblerout, being unprepared for such a sortie, fled in all directions, over hedge

and ditch. Mr Trillo stayed in the hall, playing a march on the harp, to inspirit the rest to sally out. The

waterloving Mr Philpot had diluted himself with so much wine, as to be quite hors de combat. Mr Toogood,

intending to equip himself in purely defensive armour, contrived to slip a ponderous coat of mail over his

shoulders, which pinioned his arms to his sides; and in this condition, like a chicken trussed for roasting, he

was thrown down behind a pillar, in the first rush of the sortie. Mr Crotchet seized the occurrence as a pretext

for staying with him, and passed the whole time of the action in picking him out of his shell. 'Phew!' said the

divine, returning; 'an inglorious victory: but it deserves a devil and a bowl of punch.'

Nay, doctor. The twelfth century has backed you well. Its manner and habits, its community of kind feelings

No wassailbowl for me. Give me an unsophisticated bowl of punch, which belongs to that blissful middle

period, after the Jacquerie was down, and before the march of mind was up. But, see, who is floundering in

Proceeding to the edge of the moat, they fished up Mr Firedamp, who had missed his way back, and tumbled

in. He was drawn out, exclaiming, 'that he had taken on his last dose of malaria in this world.'

Tut, man; dry clothes, a turkey's leg and rump, well devilled, and a quart of strong punch, will set all to

'Wood embers,' said Mr Firedamp, when he had been accommodated with a change of clothes, 'there is no

antidote to malaria like the smoke of wood embers; pine embers.' And he placed himself, with his mouth

Well, doctor, you shall be indulged. But I shall have my wassailbowl nevertheless.

An immense bowl of spiced wine, with roasted apples hissing on its surface, was borne into the hall by four

men, followed by an empty bowl of the same dimensions, with all the materials of arrack punch, for the

divine's especial brewage. He accinged himself to the task, with his usual heroism; and having finished it to

I think, Mr Chainmail, we can amuse ourselves very well here all night. The enemy may be still excubant:

and we had better not disperse till daylight. I am perfectly satisfied with my quarters. Let the young folks go

on with their gambols; let them dance to your old harper's minstrelsy; and if they please to kiss under the

mistletoe, whereof I espy a goodly bunch suspended at the end of the hall, let those who like it not, leave it to

those who do. Moreover, if among the more sedate portion of the assembly, which, I foresee, will keep me

company, there were any to revive the good old custom of singing after supper, so to fill up the intervals of

My Susan will set the example, after she has set that of joining in the rustic dance, according to good customs

After the first dance, in which all classes of the company mingled, the young lady of the mansion took her

harp, and following the reverend gentleman's suggestion, sang a song of the twelfth century.

Florence and Blanchflor, loveliest maids, Within a summer grove, Amid the flowerenamelled shades

A clerk sweet Blanchflor's heart had gained; Fair Florence loved a knight: And each with ardent voice

Sweet Blanchflor praised her scholar dear, As courteous, kind, and true; Fair Florence said her chevalier

And Florence scorned the bookworm vain, Who sword nor spear could raise; And Blanchflor scorned the

From dearest love, the maidens bright To deadly hatred fell; Each turned to shun the other's sight, And

The king of birds, who held his court Within that flowery grove, Sang loudly: " 'Twill be rare disport To

Before him came the maidens bright, With all his birds around, To judge the cause, if clerk or knight In love

The falcon and the sparrowhawk Stood forward for the fight: Ready to do, and not to talk, They voted for

And Blanchflor's heart began to fail, Till rose the strongvoiced lark, And, after him, the nightingale, And

The nightingale prevailed at length, Her pleading had such charms; So eloquence can conquer strength, And

The lovely Florence tore her hair, And died upon the place; And all the birds assembled there, Bewailed the

They piled up leaves and flowerets rare, Above the maiden bright, And sang: "Farewell to Florence fair, Who

Several others of the party sang in the intervals of the dances. Mr Chainmail handed to Mr Trillo another

ballad of the twelfth century, of a merrier character than the former. Mr Trillo readily accommodated it with

Did you hear of the curate who mounted his mare, And merrily trotted along to the fair? Of creature more

tractable none ever heard, In the height of her speed she would stop at a word; And again with a word, when

As near to the gates of the city he rode, While the sun of September all brilliantly glowed, The good priest

discovered, with eyes of desire, A mulberry tree in a hedge of wild briar; On boughs long and lofty, in many

The curate was hungry and thirsty to boot; He shrunk from the thorns, though he longed for the fruit; With a

word he arrested his courser's keen speed, And he stood up erect on the back of his steed; On the saddle he

stood, while the creature stood still, And he gathered the fruit, till he took his good fill.

'Sure never,' he thought, 'was a creature so rare, So docile, so true, as my excellent mare. Lo, here, how I

stand' (and he gazed all around), 'As safe and as steady as if on the ground, Yet how had it been, if some

He stood with his head in the mulberry tree, And he spoke out aloud in his fond reverie: At the sound of the

word, the good mare made a push, And down went the priest in the wildbriar bush. He remembered too late,

Lady Clarinda, being prevailed on to take the harp in her turn, sang the following stanzas:

In the days of old, Lovers felt true passion, Deeming years of sorrow By a smile repaid. Now the charms of

gold, Spells of pride and fashion, Bid them say good morrow To the bestloved maid.

Through the forests wild, O'er the mountains lonely, They were never weary Honour to pursue If the damsel

smiled Once in seven years only, All their wanderings dreary Ample guerdon knew.

Now one day's caprice Weighs down years of smiling, Youthful hearts are rovers, Love is bought and sold:

Fortune's gifts may cease, Love is less beguiling; Wiser were the lovers, In the days of old.

The glance which she threw at the Captain, as she sang the last verse, awakened his dormant hopes. Looking

round for his rival, he saw that he was not in the hall; and, approaching the lady of his heart, he received one

of the sweetest smiles of their earlier days. After a time, the ladies, and all the females of the party, retired.

The males remained on duty with punch and wassail, and dropped off one by one into sweet forgetfulness; so

that when the rising sun of December looked through the painted windows on mouldering embers and

flickering lamps, the vaulted roof was echoing to a mellifluous concert of noses, from the clarionet of the

waitingboy at one end of the hall, to the double bass of the Reverend Doctor, ringing over the empty

FROM this eventful night, young Crotchet was seen no more on English mould. Whither he had vanished,

was a question that could no more be answered in his case than in that of King Arthur, after the battle of

Camlan. The great firm of Catchflat and Company figured in the Gazette and paid sixpence in the pound; and

it was clear that he had shrunk from exhibiting himself on the scene of his former greatness, shorn of the

beams of his paper prosperity. Some supposed him to be sleeping among the undiscoverable secrets of some

barbelpool in the Thames; but those who knew him best were more inclined to the opinion that he had gone

across the Atlantic, with his pockets full of surplus capital, to join his old acquaintance, Mr Touchandgo, in

the bank of Dotandcarryonetown. Lady Clarinda was more sorry for her father's disappointment than her

own; but she had too much pride to allow herself to be put up a second time in the moneymarket; and when

the Captain renewed his assiduities, her old partiality for him, combining with a sense of gratitude for a

degree of constancy which she knew she scarcely deserved, induced her, with Lord Foolincourt's hardwrung

consent, to share with him a more humble, but less precarious fortune, than that to which she had been