The Garotters......................................................................................................................................................1

William D. Howells.................................................................................................................................1

PART FIRST........................................................................................................................................................1

SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS ...........................................................................1

SCENE II: MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS...............................................................4

SCENE III: MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS..............................5

SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS........................................8

PART SECOND.................................................................................................................................................10

SCENE I: MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL...................................................................................10

PART THIRD.....................................................................................................................................................15

SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG MR.

AND MRS. BEMIS...............................................................................................................................15

SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS..............................................19

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The Garotters

William D. Howells

PART FIRST

SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS

SCENE II: MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS

SCENE III: MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS

SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS

PART SECOND

SCENE I: MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL

PART THIRD

SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG MR. AND

MRS. BEMIS

SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS

PART FIRST

SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS

At the window of her apartment in Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts stands looking out into the early nightfall.

A heavy snow is driving without, and from time to time the rush of the wind and the sweep of the flakes

against the panes are heard. At the sound of hurried steps in the anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the

window, and runs to the portiere, through which she puts her head.

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Is that you, Edward? So dark here! We ought really to keep the gas turned up all the

time.'

MR. ROBERTS, in a muffled voice, from without: 'Yes, it's I.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, hurry in to the fire, do! Ugh, what a storm! Do you suppose anybody will come?

You must be half frozen, you poor thing! Come quick, or you'll certainly perish!' She flies from the portiere

to the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a log, jumps back, brushes from her dress with a light

shriek the sparks driven out upon it, and continues talking incessantly in a voice lifted for her husband to hear

in the anteroom. 'If I'd dreamed it was any such storm as this, I should never have let you go out in it in the

world. It wasn't at all necessary to have the flowers. I could have got on perfectly well, and I believe NOW

the table would look better without them. The chrysanthemums would have been quite enough; and I know

you've taken more cold. I could tell it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as quick as they're gone

tonight I'm going to have you bathe your feet in mustard and hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go

straight to bed. And I don't want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be sure not to drink any

coffee, or the aconite won't be of the least use.' She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the

portiere, his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out of knot, and his shirt front rumpled. 'Why,

Edward, what in the world is the matter? What has happened?'

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ROBERTS, sinking into a chair: 'Get me a glass of water, Agnes winewhiskybrandy'

MRS. ROBERTS, bustling wildly about: 'Yes, yes. But whatBella! Bridget! Maggy!Oh, I'll go for it

myself, and I WON'T stop to listen! Onlyonly don't die!' While Roberts remains with his eyes shut, and his

head sunk on his breast in token of extreme exhaustion, she disappears and reappears through the door

leading to her chamber, and then through the portiere cutting off the dining room. She finally descends upon

her husband with a flagon of cologne in one hand, a small decanter of brandy in the other, and a wineglass

held in the hollow of her arm against her breast. She contrives to set the glass down on the mantel and fill it

from the flagon, then she turns with the decanter in her hand, and while she presses the glass to her husband's

lips, begins to pour the brandy on his head. 'Here! this will revive you, and it'll refresh you to have this

cologne on your head.'

ROBERTS, rejecting a mouthful of the cologne with a furious sputter, and springing to his feet: 'Why,

you've given me the cologne to DRINK, Agnes! What are you about? Do you want to poison me? Isn't it

enough to be robbed at six o'clock on the Common, without having your head soaked in brandy, and your

whole system scented up like a barber's shop, when you get home?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Robbed?' She drops the wineglass, puts the decanter down on the hearth, and carefully

bestowing the flagon of cologne in the woodbox, abandons herself to justice: 'Then let them come for me at

once, Edward! If I could have the heart to send you out in such a night as this for a few wretched rosebuds,

I'm quite equal to poisoning you. Oh, Edward, WHO robbed you?'

ROBERTS: 'That's what I don't know.' He continues to wipe his head with his handkerchief, and to sputter a

little from time to time. 'All I know is that when I gotphew!to that dark spot by the Frog Pond, just

byphew!that little group ofphew!evergreens, you knowphew!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; go on! I can bear it, Edward.'

ROBERTS: 'a man brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on in the other direction. I had

unbuttoned my coat to look at my watch under the lamppost, and after he struck against me I clapped my

hand to my waistcoat, andphew!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Waistcoat! Yes!'

ROBERTS: 'found my watch gone.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'What! Your watch? The watch Willis gave you? Made out of the gold that he mined

himself when he first went out to California? Don't ask me to believe it, Edward! But I'm only too glad that

you escaped with your life. Let them have the watch and welcome. Oh, nay dear, dear husband!' She

approaches him with extended arms, and then suddenly arrests herself. 'But you've got it on!'

ROBERTS, with as much returning dignity as can comport with his dishevelled appearance: 'Yes; I took it

from him.' At his wife's speechless astonishment: 'I went after him and took it from him.' He sits down, and

continues with resolute calm, while his wife remains standing before him motionless: 'Agnes, I don't know

how I came to do it. I wouldn't have believed I could do it. I've never thought that I had much

couragephysical courage; but when I felt my watch was gone, a sort of frenzy came over me. I wasn't hurt;

and for the first time in my life I realised what an abominable outrage theft was. The thought that at six

o'clock in the evening, in the very heart of a great city like Boston, an inoffensive citizen could be assaulted

and robbed, made me furious. I didn't call out. I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and turned and ran

after the fellow.'

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MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward!'

ROBERTS: 'Yes, I did. He hadn't got halfadozen rods awayit all took place in a flashand I could

easily run him down. He was considerably larger than I'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh!'

ROBERTS: 'and he looked young and very athletic; but these things didn't seem to make any impression

on me.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, I wonder that you live to tell the tale, Edward!'

ROBERTS: 'Well, I wonder a little at myself. I don't set up for a great deal of'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'But I always knew you had it! Go on. Oh, when I tell Willis of this! Had the robber any

accomplices? Were there many of them?'

ROBERTS: 'I only saw one. And I saw that my only chance was to take him at a disadvantage. I sprang upon

him, and pulled him over on his back. I merely said, "I'll trouble you for that watch of mine, if you please,"

jerked open his coat, snatched the watch from his pocketI broke the chain, I seeand then left him and

ran again. He didn't make the slightest resistance nor utter a word. Of course it wouldn't do for him to make

any noise about it, and I dare say he was glad to get off so easily.' With affected nonchalance: 'I'm pretty

badly rumpled, I see. He fell against me, and a scuffle like that doesn't improve one's appearance.'

MRS. ROBERTS, very solemnly: 'Edward! I don't know what to say! Of course it makes my blood run cold

to realise what you have been through, and to think what might have happened; but I think you behaved

splendidly. Why, I never heard of such perfect heroism! You needn't tell ME that he made no resistance.

There was a deadly struggleyour necktie and everything about you shows it. And you needn't think there

was only one of them'

ROBERTS, modestly: 'I don't believe there was more.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Nonsense! There are ALWAYS two! I've read the accounts of those garottings. And to

think you not only got out of their clutches alive, but got your property backWillis's watch! Oh, what

WILL Willis say? But I know how proud of you he'll be. Oh, I wish I could scream it from the housetops.

Why didn't you call the police?'

ROBERTS: 'I didn't thinkI hadn't time to think.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'No matter. I'm glad you have ALL the glory of it. I don't believe you half realise what

you've been through now. And perhaps this was the robbers' first attempt, and it will be a lesson to them. Oh

yes! I'm glad you let them escape, Edward. They may have families. If every one behaved as you've done,

there would soon be an end of garotting. But, oh! I can't bear to think of the danger you've run. And I want

you to promise me never, never to undertake such a thing again!'

ROBERTS: 'Well, I don't know'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; you must! Suppose you had got killed in that awful struggle with those reckless

wretches tugging to get away from you! Think of the children! Why, you might have burst a bloodvessel!

Will you promise, Edward? Promise this instant, on your bended knees, just as if you were in a court of

justice!' Mrs. Roberts's excitement mounts, and she flings herself at her husband's feet, and pulls his face

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down to hers with the arm she has thrown about his neck. 'Will you promise?'

SCENE II: MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS

MRS. CRASHAW, entering unobserved: 'Promise you what, Agnes? The man doesn't smoke NOW. What

more can you ask?' She starts back from the spectacle of Roberts's disordered dress. 'Why, what's happened to

you, Edward?'

MRS. ROBERTS, springing to her feet: 'Oh, you may well ask that, Aunt Mary! Happened? You ought to

fall down and worship him! And you WILL when you know what he's been through. He's been robbed!'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Robbed? What nonsense! Who robbed him? WHERE was he robbed?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'He was attacked by two garotters'

ROBERTS: 'No, no'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't speak, Edward! I KNOW there were two. On the Common. Not half an hour ago.

As he was going to get me some rosebuds. In the midst of this terrible storm.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Is this true, Edward?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't answer, Edward! One of the band threw his arm round Edward's neckso.' She

illustrates by garotting Mrs. Crashaw, who disengages herself with difficulty.

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Mercy, child! What ARE you doing to my lace?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And the other one snatched his watch, and ran as fast as he could.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis's watch? Why, he's got it on.'

MRS. ROBERTS, with proud delight: 'Exactly what I said when he told me.' Then, very solemnly: 'And do

you know WHY he's got it on? 'Sh, Edward! I WILL tell! Because he ran after them and took it back

again.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Why, they might have killed him!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Of COURSE they might. But EDWARD didn't care. The idea of being robbed at six

o'clock on the Common made him so furious that he scorned to cry out for help, or call the police, or

anything; but he just ran after them'

ROBERTS: 'Agnes! Agnes! There was only ONE.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Nonsense, Edward! How could you tell, so excited as you were?And caught hold of

the largest of the wretchesa perfect young giant'

ROBERTS: 'No, no; not a GIANT, my dear.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, he was YOUNG, anyway!And flung him on the ground.' She advances upon

Mrs. Crashaw in her enthusiasm.

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MRS. CRASHAW: 'Don't you fling ME on the ground, Agnes! I won't have it.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And tore his coat open, while all the rest were tugging at him, and snatched his watch,

and thenand then just walked coolly away.'

ROBERTS: 'No, my dear; I ran as fast as I could.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, RAN. It's quite the same thing, and I'm just as proud of you as if you had walked.

Of course you were not going to throw your life away.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think he did a very silly thing in going after them at all.'

ROBERTS: 'Why, of course, if I'd thought twice about it, I shouldn't have done it.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Of course you wouldn't, dear! And that's what I want him to promise, Aunt Mary: never

to do it again, no matter HOW much he's provoked. I want him to promise it right here in your presence,

Aunt Mary!'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think it's much more important he should put on another collar andshirt, if he's

going to see company.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes; go right off at once, Edward. How you DO think of things, Aunt Mary! I really

suppose I should have gone on all night and never noticed his looks. Run, Edward, and do it, dear. Butkiss

me first! Oh, it DON'T seem as if you could be alive and well after it all! Are you sure you're not hurt?'

ROBERTS, embracing her: 'No; I'm all right.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And you're not injured internally? Sometimes they're injured internallyaren't they,

Aunt Mary?and it doesn't show till months afterwards. Are you sure?'

ROBERTS, making a cursory examination of his ribs with his hands: 'Yes, I think so.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And you don't feel any bad effects from the cologne NOW? Just think, Aunt Mary, I

gave him cologne to drink, and poured the brandy on his head, when he came in! But I was determined to

keep calm, whatever I did. And if I've poisoned him I'm quite willing to die for itoh, quite! I would gladly

take the blame of it before the whole world.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Well, for pity's sake, let the man go and make himself decent. There's your bell now.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, do go, Edward. Butkiss me'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'He DID kiss you, Agnes. Don't be a simpleton!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Did he? Well, kiss me again, then, Edward. And now do go, dear. Mmmm.' The

inarticulate endearments represented by these signs terminate in a wild embrace, protracted halfway across

the room, in the height of which Mr. Willis Campbell enters.

SCENE III: MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS

WILLIS, pausing in contemplation: 'Hello! What's the matter? What's she trying to get out of you, Roberts?

Don't you do it, anyway, old fellow.'

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MRS. ROBERTS, in an ecstasy of satisfaction: 'Willis! Oh, you've come in time to see him just as he is.

Look at him, Willis!' In the excess of her emotion she twitches her husband about, and with his arm fast in

her clutch, presents him in the disadvantageous effect of having just been taken into custody. Under these

circumstances Roberts's attempt at an expression of diffident heroism fails; he looks sneaking, he looks

guilty, and his eyes fall under the astonished regard of his brotherinlaw.

WILLIS: 'What's the matter with him? What's he been doing?'

MRS. ROBERTS: ''Sh, Edward! What's he been doing? What does he look as if he had been doing?'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes'

WILLIS: 'He looks as if he had been signing the pledge. And he smells like it.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'For shame, Willis! I should think you'd sink through the floor. Edward, not a word! I

AM ashamed of him, if he IS my brother.'

WILLIS: 'Why, what in the world's up, Agnes?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Up? He's been ROBBED!robbed on the Common, not five minutes ago! A whole

gang of garotters surrounded him under the Old Elmor just where it used to beand took his watch away!

And he ran after them, and knocked the largest of the gang down, and took it back again. He wasn't hurt, but

we're afraid he's been injured internally; he may be bleeding internally NOWOh, do you think he is,

Willis? Don't you think we ought to send for a physician?That, and the cologne I gave him to drink. It's the

brandy I poured on his head makes him smell so. And he all so exhausted he couldn't speak, and I didn't

know what I was doing, either; but he's promisedoh yes, he's promised!never, never to do it again.' She

again flings her arms about her husband, and then turns proudly to her brother.

WILLIS: 'Do you know what it means, Aunt Mary?'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Not in the least! But I've no doubt that Edward can explain, after he's changed his

linen'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh yes, do go, Edward! Not but what I should be proud and happy to have you appear

just as you are before the whole world, if it was only to put Willis down with his jokes about your

absentmindedness, and his boasts about those California desperadoes of his.'

ROBERTS: 'Come, come, Agnes! I MUST protest against your'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, I know it doesn't become me to praise your courage, darling! But I should like to

know what Willis would have done, with all his California experience, if a garotter had taken his watch?'

WILLIS: 'I should have let him keep it, and pay five dollars a quarter himself for getting it cleaned and

spoiled. Anybody but a literary man would. How many of them were there, Roberts?'

ROBERTS: 'I only saw one.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'But of course there were more. How could he tell, in the dark and excitement? And the

one he did see was a perfect giant; so you can imagine what the rest must have been like.'

WILLIS: 'Did you really knock him down?'

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MRS. ROBERTS: 'Knock him down? Of course he did.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, WILL you hold your tongue, and let the men alone?'

MRS. ROBERTS, whimpering: 'I can't, Aunt Mary. And you couldn't, if it was yours.'

ROBERTS: 'I pulled him over backwards.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'There, Willis!'

WILLIS: 'And grabbed your watch from him?'

ROBERTS: 'I was in quite a frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was doing'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And he didn't call for the police, or anything'

WILLIS: 'Ah, that showed presence of mind! He knew it wouldn't have been any use.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And when he had got his watch away from them, he just let them go, because they had

families dependent on them.'

WILLIS: 'I should have let them go in the first place, but you behaved handsomely in the end, Roberts;

there's no denying that. And when you came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured brandy on your

head. It must have revived you. I should think it would wake the dead.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'I was all excitement, Willis'

WILLIS: 'No, I should think from the fact that you had set the decanter here on the hearth, and put your

cologne into the woodbox, you were perfectly calm, Agnes.' He takes them up and hands them to her. 'Quite

as calm as usual.' The doorbell rings.

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis, WILL you let that ridiculous man go away and make himself presentable before

people begin to come?' The bell rings violently, peal upon peal.

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, my goodness, what's that? It's the garottersI know it is; and we shall all be

murdered in our beds!'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'What in the world can it'

WILLIS: 'Why don't your girl answer the bell, Agnes? Or I'll go myself.' The bell rings violently again.

MRS. ROBERTS: 'NO, Willis, you sha'n't! Don't leave me, Edward! Aunt Mary!Oh, if we MUST die, let

us all die together! Oh, my poor children! Ugh! What's that?' The servantmaid opens the outer door, and

uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing room portiere.

BELLA THE MAID: 'Oh, my goodness! Mrs. Roberts, it's Mr. Bemis!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Which Mr. Bemis?'

ROBERTS: 'What's the matter with him?'

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MRS. CRASHAW: 'Why doesn't she show him in?'

WILLIS: 'Has HE been garotting somebody too?'

SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS

BEMIS, appearing through the portiere: 'II beg your pardon, Mrs. Roberts. I oughtn't to present myself in

this stateI But I thought I'd better stop on my way home and report, so that my son needn't be alarmed at

my absence when he comes. I' He stops, exhausted, and regards the others with a wild stare, while they

stand taking note of his disordered coat, his torn vest, and his tumbled hat. 'I've just been robbed'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Robbed? Why, EDWARD has been robbed too.'

BEMIS: 'coming through the Common'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, EDWARD was coming through the Common.'

BEMIS: 'of my watch'

MRS. ROBERTS, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence: 'Oh, and it was Edward's WATCH they took!'

WILLIS: 'It's a parallel case, Agnes. Pour him out a glass of cologne to drink, and rub his head with brandy.

And you might let him sit down and rest while you're enjoying the excitement.'

MRS. ROBERTS, in hospitable remorse: 'Oh, what am I thinking of! Here, Edwardor no, you're too

weak, you mustn't. Willis, YOU help me to help him to the sofa.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think you'd better help him off with his overcoat and his arctics.' To the maid: 'Here,

Bella, if you haven't quite taken leave of your wits, undo his shoes.'

ROBERTS: 'I'LL help him off with his coat'

BEMIS: 'Careful! careful! I may be injured internally.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, if you only WERE, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could persuade Edward that he was too: I

KNOW he is. Edward, don't exert yourself! Aunt Mary, will you STOP him, or do you all wish to see me go

distracted here before your eyes?'

WILLIS, examining the overcoat which Roberts has removed: 'Well, you won't have much trouble buttoning

and unbuttoning this coat for the present.'

BEMIS: 'They tore it open, and tore my watch from my vest pocket'

WILLIS, looking at the vest: 'I see. Pretty lively work. Were there many of them?'

BEMIS: 'There must have been two at least'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'There were half a dozen in the gang that attacked Edward.'

BEMIS: 'One of them pulled me violently over on my back'

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MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward's put HIS arm round his neck and choked him.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'I KNOW he did, Aunt Mary.'

BEMIS: 'And the other tore my watch out of my pocket.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'EDWARD'S'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, I'm thoroughly ashamed of you. WILL you stop interrupting?'

BEMIS: 'And left me lying in the snow.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And then he ran after them, and snatched his watch away again in spite of them all; and

he didn't call for the police, or anything, because it was their first offence, and he couldn't bear to think of

their suffering families.'

BEMIS, with a stare of profound astonishment: 'Who?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward. Didn't I SAY Edward, all the time?'

BEMIS: 'I thought you meant me. I didn't think of pursuing them; but you may be very sure that if there had

been a policeman within callof course there wasn't one within cannonshotI should have handed the

scoundrels over without the slightest remorse.'

ROBERTS: 'Oh!' He sinks into a chair with a slight groan.

WILLIS: 'What is it?'

ROBERTS: ''Sh! Don't say anything. Butstay here. I want to speak with you, Willis.'

BEMIS, with mounting wrath: 'I should not have hesitated an instant to give the rascal in charge, no matter

who was dependent upon him no matter if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.'

ROBERTS, under his breath: 'Gracious powers!'

BEMIS: 'And while I am very sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I can't help feeling that he made a great

mistake in allowing the ruffians to escape.'

MRS. CRASHAW, with severity: 'I think you are quite right, Mr. Bemis.'

BEMIS: 'Probably it was the same gang attacked us both. After escaping from Mr. Roberts they fell upon

me.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'I haven't a doubt of it.'

ROBERTS, sotto voce to his brotherinlaw: 'I think I'll ask you to go with me to my room, Willis. Don't

alarm Agnes, please. II feel quite faint.'

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MRS. ROBERTS, crestfallen: 'I can't feel that Edward was to blame. EdOh, I suppose he's gone off to

make himself presentable. But WillisWhere's Willis, Aunt Mary?'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Probably gone with him to help him.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, he SAW how unstrung poor Edward was! Mr. Bemis, I think you're quite prejudiced.

How could Edward help their escaping? I think it was quite enough for him, singlehanded, to get his watch

back.' A ring at the door, and then a number of voices in the anteroom. 'I do believe they're all there! I'll just

run out and prepare your son. He would be dreadfully shocked if he came right in upon you.' She runs into

the anteroom, and is heard without: 'Oh, Dr. Lawton! Oh, Lou dear! OH, Mr. Bemis! How can I ever tell

you? Your poor father! No, no, I CAN'T tell you! You mustn't ask me! It's too hideous! And you wouldn't

believe me if I did.'

Chorus of anguished voices: 'What? what? what?'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'They've been robbed! Garotted on the Common! And, OH, Dr. Lawton, I'm so glad

YOU'VE come! They're both injured internally, but I WISH you'd look at Edward first.'

BEMIS: 'Good heavens! Is that Mrs. Roberts's idea of preparing my son? And his poor young wife!' He

addresses his demand to Mrs. Crashaw, who lifts the hands of impotent despair.

PART SECOND

SCENE I: MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL

In Mr Roberts's dressingroom, that gentleman is discovered tragically confronting Mr. Willis Campbell,

with a watch uplifted in either hand.

WILLIS: 'Well?'

ROBERTS, gasping: 'Mymy watch!'

WILLIS: 'Yes. How comes there to be two of it?'

ROBERTS: 'Don't you understand? When I went out Ididn't take my watchwith me. I left it here on my

bureau.'

WILLIS: 'Well?'

ROBERTS: 'Oh, merciful heavens! don't you see? Then I couldn't have been robbed!'

WILLIS: 'Well, but whose watch did you take from the fellow that didn't rob you, then?'

ROBERTS: 'His own!' He abandons himself powerlessly upon a chair. 'Yes; I left my own watch here, and

when that person brushed against me in the Common, I missed it for the first time. I supposed he had robbed

me, and ran after him, and'

WILLIS: 'Robbed HIM!'

ROBERTS: 'Yes.'

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WILLIS: 'Ah, ha, ha, ha! I, hi, hi, hi! O, ho, ho, ho!' He yields to a series of these gusts and paroxysms,

bowing up and down, and stamping to and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, and wipes the tears from his

cheeks. 'Really, this thing will kill me. What are you going to do about it, Roberts?'

ROBERTS, with profound dejection and abysmal solemnity: 'I don't know, Willis. Don't you see that it must

have beenthat I must have robbedMr. Bemis?'

WILLIS: 'Bemis!' After a moment for tasting the fact. 'Why, so it was! Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! And was poor

old Bemis that burly ruffian? that bloodthirsty gang of giants? thatthatoh, Lord! oh, Lord!' He bows his

head upon his chairback in complete exhaustion, demanding, feebly, as he gets breath for the successive

questions, 'What are you going to dooo? What shall you saaay? How can you explaaain it?'

ROBERTS: 'I can do nothing. I can say nothing. I can never explain it. I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a

clean breast of it; but think of the absurditythe ridicule!'

WILLIS, after a thoughtful silence: 'Oh, it isn't THAT you've got to think of. You've got to think of the old

gentleman's sense of injury and outrage. Didn't you hear what he saidthat he would have handed over his

dearest friend, his own brother, to the police?'

ROBERTS: 'But that was in the supposition that his dearest friend, his own brother, had intentionally robbed

him. You can't imagine, Willis'

WILLIS: 'Oh, I can imagine a great many things. It's all well enough for you to say that the robbery was a

mistake; but it was a genuine case of garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch go. He's a very

pudgicky old gentleman.'

ROBERTS: 'He is.'

WILLIS: 'And I don't see how you're going to satisfy him that it was all a joke. Joke? It WASN'T a joke! It

was a real assault and a bona fide robbery, and Bemis can prove it.'

ROBERTS: 'But he would never insist'

WILLIS: 'Oh, I don't know about that. He's pretty queer, Bemis is. You can't say what an old gentleman like

that will or won't do. If he should choose to carry it into court'

ROBERTS: 'Court!'

WILLIS: 'It might be embarrassing. And anyway, it would have a very strange look in the papers.'

ROBERTS: 'The papers! Good gracious!'

WILLIS: 'Ten years from now a man that heard you mentioned would forget all about the acquittal, and say:

"Roberts? Oh yes! Wasn't he the one they sent to the House of Correction for garotting an old friend of his on

the Common!" You see, it wouldn't do to go and make a clean breast of it to Bemis.'

ROBERTS: 'I see.'

WILLIS: 'What will you do?'

ROBERTS: 'I must never say anything to him about it. Just let it go.'

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WILLIS: 'And keep his watch? I don't see how you could manage that. What would you do with the watch?

You might sell it, of course'

ROBERTS: 'Oh no, I COULDN'T do that.'

WILLIS: 'You might give it away to some deserving person; but if it got him into trouble'

ROBERTS: 'No, no; that wouldn't do, either.'

WILLIS: 'And you can't have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to find it, sooner or later.'

ROBERTS: 'Yes.'

WILLIS: 'Besides, there's your conscience. Your conscience wouldn't LET you keep Bemis's watch away

from him. And if it would, what do you suppose Agnes's conscience would do when she came to find it out?

Agnes hasn't got much of a headthe want of it seems to grow upon her; but she's got a conscience as big as

the side of a house.'

ROBERTS: 'Oh, I see; I see.'

WILLIS, coming up and standing over him, with his hands in his pockets: 'I tell you what, Roberts, you're in

a box.'

ROBERTS, abjectly: 'I know it, Willis; I know it. What do you suggest? You MUST know some way out of

it.'

WILLIS: 'It isn't a simple matter like telling them to start the elevator down when they couldn't start her up.

I've got to think it over.' He walks to and fro, Roberts's eyes helplessly following his movements. 'How would

it do toNo, that wouldn't do, either.'

ROBERTS: 'What wouldn't?'

WILLIS: 'Nothing. I was just thinkingI say, you mightOr, no, you couldn't.'

ROBERTS: 'Couldn't what?'

WILLIS: 'Nothing. But if you were toNo; up a stump that way too.'

ROBERTS: 'Which way? For mercy's sake, my dear fellow, don't seem to get a clew if you haven't it. It's

more than I can bear.' He rises, and desperately confronts Willis in his promenade. 'If you see any hope at

all'

WILLIS, stopping: 'Why, if you were a different sort of fellow, Roberts, the thing would be perfectly easy.'

ROBERTS: 'Very well, then. What sort of fellow do you want me to be? I'll be any sort of fellow you like.'

WILLIS: 'Oh, but you couldn't! With that face of yours, and that confounded conscience of yours behind it,

you would give away the whitest lie that was ever told.'

ROBERTS: 'Do you wish me to lie? Very well, then, I will lie. What is the lie?'

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WILLIS: 'Ah, now you're talking like a man! I can soon think up a lie if you're game for it. Suppose it wasn't

so very whitesay a delicate blonde!'

ROBERTS: 'I shouldn't care if it were as black as the ace of spades.'

WILLIS: 'Roberts, I honour you! It isn't everybody who could steal an old gentleman's watch, and then be so

ready to lie out of it. Well, you HAVE got courageboth kindsmoral and physical.'

ROBERTS: 'Thank you, Willis. Of course I don't pretend that I should be willing to lie under ordinary

circumstances; but for the sake of Agnes and the childrenI don't want any awkwardness about the matter; it

would be the death of me. Well, what do you wish me to say? Be quick; I don't believe I could hold out for a

great while. I don't suppose but what Mr. Bemis would be reasonable, even if I'

WILLIS: 'I'm afraid we couldn't trust him. The only way is for you to take the bull by the horns.'

ROBERTS: 'Yes?'

WILLIS: 'You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have to wear an air of innocent candour at the

same time.'

ROBERTS: 'II'm afraid I couldn't manage that. What is your idea?'

WILLIS: 'Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back, and say, in an offhand way, "By the

way, Agnes, Willis and I made a remarkable discovery in my dressingroom; we found my watch there on

the bureau. Ha, ha, ha!" Do you think you could do it?'

ROBERTS: 'II don't know.'

WILLIS: 'Try the laugh now.'

ROBERTS: 'I'd rather notnow.'

WILLIS: 'Well, try it, anyway.'

ROBERTS: 'Ha, ha, ha!'

WILLIS: 'Once more.'

ROBERTS: 'Ha, ha, ha!'

WILLIS: 'Pretty ghastly; but I guess you can come it.'

ROBERTS: 'I'll try. And then what?'

WILLIS: 'And then you say, "I hadn't put it on when I went out, and when I got after that fellow and took it

back, I was simply getting somebody else's watch!" Then you hold out both watches to her, and laugh again.

Everybody laughs, and crowds round you to examine the watches, and you make fun and crack jokes at your

own expense all the time, and pretty soon old Bemis says, "Why, this is MY watch, NOW!" and you laugh

more than ever'

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ROBERTS: 'I'm afraid I couldn't laugh when he said that. I don't believe I could laugh. It would make my

blood run cold.'

WILLIS: 'Oh no, it wouldn't. You'd be in the spirit of it by that time.'

ROBERTS: 'Do you think so? Well?'

WILLIS: 'And then you say, "Well, this is the most remarkable coincidence I ever heard of. I didn't get my

own watch from the fellow, but I got yours, Mr. Bemis;" and then you hand it over to him and say, "Sorry I

had to break the chain in getting it from him," and then everybody laughs again, andand that ends it.'

ROBERTS, with a profound sigh: 'Do you think that would end it?'

WILLIS: 'Why, certainly. It'll put old Bemis in the wrong, don't you see? It'll show that instead of letting the

fellow escape to go and rob HIM, you attacked him and took Bemis's property back from him yourself.

Bemis wouldn't have a word to say. All you've got to do is to keep up a light, confident manner.'

ROBERTS: 'But what if it shouldn't put Bemis in the wrong? What if he shouldn't say or do anything that

we've counted upon, but something altogether different?'

WILLIS: 'Well, then, you must trust to inspiration, and adapt yourself to circumstances.'

ROBERTS: 'Wouldn't it be rather more of a joke to come out with the facts at once?'

WILLIS: 'On you it would; and a year from nowsay next Christmas you could get the laugh on Bemis

that way. But if you were to risk it now, there's no telling how he'd take it. He's so indignant he might insist

upon leaving the house. But with this plan of mine'

ROBERTS, in despair: 'I couldn't, Willis. I don't feel light, and I don't feel confident, and I couldn't act it. If

it were a simple lie'

WILLIS: 'Oh, lies are never simple; they require the exercise of all your ingenuity. If you want something

simple, you must stick to the truth, and throw yourself on Bemis's mercy.'

ROBERTS, walking up and down in great distress: 'I can't do it; I can't do it. It's very kind of you to think it

all out for me, but'struck by a sudden idea'Willis, why shouldn't YOU do it?'

WILLIS: 'I?'

ROBERTS: 'You are good at those things. You have so much aplomb, you know. YOU could carry it off,

you know, firstrate.'

WILLIS, as if finding a certain fascination in the idea: 'Well, I don't know'

ROBERTS: 'And I could chime in on the laugh. I think I could do that if somebody else was doing the rest.'

WILLIS, after a moment of silent reflection: 'I SHOULD like to do it. I should like to see how old Bemis

would look when I played it on him. Roberts, I WILL do it. Not a word! I should LIKE to do it. Now you go

on and hurry up your toilet, old fellow; you needn't mind me here. I'll be rehearsing.'

MRS. ROBERTS, knocking at the door, outside: 'Edward, are you NEVER coming?'

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ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; I'll be there in a minute, my dear.'

WILLIS: 'Yes, he'll be there. Run along back, and keep it going till we come. Roberts, I wouldn't take a

thousand dollars for this chance.'

ROBERTS: 'I'm glad you like it.'

WILLIS: 'Like it? Of course I do. Or no! Hold on! Wait! It won't do! No; you must take the leading part, and

I'll support you, and I'll come in strong if you break down. That's the way we have got to work it. You must

make the start.'

ROBERTS: 'Couldn't you make it better, Willis? It's your idea.'

WILLIS: 'No; they'd be sure to suspect me, and they can't suspect you of anythingyou're so innocent. The

illusion will be complete.'

ROBERTS, very doubtfully: 'Do you think so?'

WILLIS: 'Yes. Hurry up. Let me unbutton that collar for you.'

PART THIRD

SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS,

YOUNG MR. AND MRS. BEMIS

MRS. ROBERTS, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her sofa Mr. Bemis, who still remains

sunken in his armchair, has apparently closed an exhaustive recital of the events which have ended in his

presence there. She looks round with a mixed air of selfdenial and selfsatisfaction to read the admiration of

her listeners in their sympathetic countenances.

DR. LAWTON, with an ironical sigh of profound impression: 'Well, Mrs. Roberts, you are certainly the

most lavishly hospitable of hostesses. Every one knows what delightful dinners you give; but these little

dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way of appetizer, are certainly unique. Last year an

elevator stuck in the shaft with half the company in it, and this year a highway robbery, its daring punishment

and its reckless repetitionwhat the newspapers will call "A Triple Mystery" when it gets to themand

both victims among our commensals! Really, I don't know what more we could ask of you, unless it were the

footpadded footpad himself as a commensal. If this sort of thing should become de rigueur in society

generally, I don't know what's to become of people who haven't your invention.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, it's all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; but if you had been here when they

first came in'

YOUNG MRS. BEMIS: 'Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts. If Mr. BemisAlfred, I meanand

papa hadn't been with me when you came out there to prepare us, I don't know what I should have done. I

should certainly have died, or gone through the floor.' She looks fondly up into the face of her husband for

approval, where he stands behind her chair, and furtively gives him her hand for pressure.'

YOUNG MR. BEMIS: 'Somebody ought to write to the CurwensMrs. Curwen, that isabout it.'

MRS. BEMIS, taking away her hand: 'Oh yes, papa, DO write!'

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LAWTON: 'I will, my dear. Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in another spherehemisphereand

surrounded by cardinals and all the other celestial lights there at Rome, will be proud to exploit this new

evidence of American enterprise. I can fancy the effect she will produce with it.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'And the Millerswhat a shame they couldn't come! How excited they would have

been!that is, Mrs. Miller. Is their baby very bad, Doctor?'

LAWTON: 'Well, vaccination is always a very serious thingwith a first child. I should say, from the way

Mrs. Miller feels about it, that Miller wouldn't be able to be out for a week to come yet.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, how ridiculous you are, Doctor!'

BEMIS, rising feebly from his chair: 'Well, now that it's all explained, Mrs. Roberts, I think I'd better go

home; and if you'll kindly have them telephone for a carriage'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'NO, indeed, Mr. Bemis! We shall not let you go. Why, the IDEA! You must stay and

take dinner with us, just the same.'

BEMIS: 'But in this state'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, never mind the STATE. You look perfectly well; and if you insist upon going, I shall

know that you bear a grudge against Edward for not arresting him. Wait! We can put you in perfect order in

just a second.' She flies out of the room, and then comes swooping back with a needle and thread, a fresh

white necktie, a handkerchief, and a hairbrush. 'There! I can't let you go to Edward's dressingroom,

because he's there himself, and the children are in mine, and we've had to put the new maid in the

guestchamberyou ARE rather cramped in flats, that's true; that's the worst of thembut if you don't

mind having your toilet made in public, like the King of France'

BEMIS, entering into the spirit of it: 'Not the least; but' He laughs, and drops back into his chair.

MRS. ROBERTS, distributing the brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie to his wife, and dropping upon her

knees before Mr. Bemis: 'Now, Mrs. Lou, you just whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh one, and,

MISTER Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I'll have this torn buttonhole mended before you can think.'

She seizes it and begins to sew vigorously upon it.

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman in the country.'

LAWTON, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet well apart, in an attitude of easy

admiration: 'The Wounded Adonis, attended by the Loves and Graces. Familiar Pompeiian fresco.'

MRS. ROBERTS, looking around at him: 'I don't see a great many Loves.'

LAWTON: 'She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw. And after what you've just said!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Then why don't you do something?'

LAWTON: 'The Loves NEVER do anythingin frescoes. They stand round and sympathise. Besides, we

are waiting to administer an anaesthetic. But what I admire in this subject even more than the activity of the

Graces is the serene dignity of the Adonis. I have seen my old friend in many trying positions, but I never

realised till now all the simpering absurdity, the flattered silliness, the senile coquettishness, of which his

benign countenance was capable.'

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MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it's nothing but'

LAWTON: 'Pure envy. I own it.'

BEMIS: 'All right, Lawton. Wait till'

MRS. ROBERTS, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and springing to her feet, all in one: 'There,

have you finished, Mr. and Mrs. Lou? Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it down from his neck

and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have'

LAWTON, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet: 'A Gentleman of the Old School. Bemis, you look like a miniature

of yourself by Malbone. Rather flattered, butrecognisable.'

BEMIS, with perfectly recovered gaiety: 'Go on, go on, Lawton. I can understand your envy. I can pity it.'

LAWTON: 'Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?'

BEMIS: 'Yes, I could. I could give the garotter his liberty, and present him with an admission to the

Provident Woodyard, where he could earn an honest living for his family.'

LAWTON, compassionately: 'You ARE pretty far gone, Bemis. Really, I think somebody ought to go for

Roberts.'

MRS. ROBERTS, innocently: 'Yes, indeed! Why, what in the world can be keeping him?' A nursemaid

enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the door with a glance. She runs to her; they whisper; and then Mrs.

Roberts, over her shoulder: 'That ridiculous great boy of mine says he can't go to sleep unless I come and kiss

him goodnight.'

LAWTON: 'Which ridiculous great boy, I wonder?Roberts, or Campbell? But I didn't know they had gone

to bed!'

MRS. BEMIS: 'You are too bad, papa! You know it's little Neddy.'

MRS. ROBERTS, vanishing: 'Oh, I don't mind his nonsense, Lou. I'll fetch them both back with me.'

LAWTON, after making a melodramatic search for concealed listeners at the doors: 'Now, friends, I have a

revelation to make in Mrs. Roberts's absence. I have found out the garotterthe assassin.'

ALL THE OTHERS: 'What!'

LAWTON: 'He has been secured'

MRS. CRASHAW, severely: 'Well, I'm very glad of it.'

YOUNG BEMIS: 'By the police?'

MRS. BEMIS, incredulously: 'Papa!'

BEMIS: 'But there were several of them. Have they all been arrested?'

LAWTON: 'There was only one, and none of him has been arrested.'

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MRS. CRASHAW: 'Where is he, then?'

LAWTON: 'In this house.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Now, Dr. Lawton, you and I are old friendsI shouldn't like to say HOW oldbut if

you don't instantly be serious, II'll carry my rheumatism to somebody else.'

LAWTON: 'My DEAR Mrs. Crashaw, you know how much I prize that rheumatism of yours! I will be

seriousI will be only too serious. The garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.'

ALL, horrorstruck: 'Oh!'

LAWTON: 'He went out without his watch. He thought he was robbed, but he wasn't. He ran after the

supposed thief, our poor friend Bemis here, and took Bemis's watch away, and brought it home for his own.'

YOUNG BEMIS: 'Yes, but'

MRS. BEMIS: 'But, papa'

BEMIS: 'How do you know it? I can see how such a thing might happen, buthow do you know it DID?'

LAWTON: 'I divined it.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Nonsense!'

LAWTON: 'Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the Advertiser a year ago. It occurs annuallyin

the newspapers. And I'll tell you what, Mrs. CrashawRoberts found out his mistake as soon as he went to

his dressingroom; and that ingenious nephew of yours, who's closeted with him there, has been trying to put

him up to somethingto some game.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis has too much sense. He would know that Edward couldn't carry out any sort of

game.'

LAWTON: 'Well, then, he's getting Roberts to let HIM carry out the game.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Edward couldn't do that either.'

LAWTON: 'Very well, then, just wait till they come back. Will you leave me to deal with Campbell?'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'What are you going to do?'

YOUNG BEMIS: 'You mustn't forget that he got us out of the elevator, sir.'

MRS. BEMIS: 'We might have been there yet if it hadn't been for him, papa.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'I shouldn't want Willis mortified.'

BEMIS: 'Nor Mr. Roberts annoyed. We're fellowsufferers in this business.'

LAWTON: 'Oh, leave it to me, leave it to me! I'll spare their feelings. Don't be afraid. Ah, there they come!

Now don't say anything. I'll just step into the anteroom here.'

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SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS

ROBERTS, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with his guests: 'Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs.

Bemis; Aunt Mary! You've heard of our comical little coincidenceourMr. Bemis and my' He halts,

confused, and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who follows hilariously.

WILLIS: 'Greatest joke on record! But I won't spoil it for you, Roberts. Go on!' In a low voice to Roberts:

'And don't look so confoundedly down in the mouth. They won't think it's a joke at all.'

ROBERTS, with galvanic lightness: 'Yes, yessuch a joke! Well, you seeyou see'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'See WHAT, Edward? DO get it out!'

WILLIS, jollily: 'Ah, ha, ha!'

ROBERTS, lugubriously: 'Ah, ha, ha!'

MRS. BEMIS: 'How funny! Ha, ha, ha!'

YOUNG MR. BEMIS: 'Capital! capital!'

BEMIS: 'Excellent!'

WILLIS: 'Go on, Roberts, do! or I shall die! Ah, ha, ha!'

ROBERTS, in a low voice of consternation to Willis: 'Where was I? I can't go on unless I know where I

was.'

WILLIS, sotto voce to Roberts: 'You weren't anywhere! For Heaven's sake, make a start!'

ROBERTS, to the others, convulsively: 'Ha, ha, ha! I supposed all the time, you know, that I had been

robbed, andand'

WILLIS: 'Go on! GO on!'

ROBERTS, whispering: 'I can't do it'

WILLIS, whispering: 'You've GOT to! You're the beaver that clomb the tree. Laugh naturally, now!'

ROBERTS, with a staccato groan, which he tries to make pass for a laugh: 'And then I ran after the man'

He stops, and regards Mr. Bemis with a ghastly stare.

MRS. CRASHAW: 'What is the matter with you, Edward? Are you sick?'

WILLIS: 'Sick? No! Can't you see that he can't get over the joke of the thing? It's killing him.' To Roberts:

'Brace up, old man! You're doing it splendidly.'

ROBERTS, hopelessly: 'And then the other manthe man that had robbed methe man that I had

pursuedugh!'

WILLIS: 'Well, it is too much for him. I shall have to tell it myself, I see.'

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ROBERTS, making a wild effort to command himself: 'And sosothis manmanma'

WILLIS: 'Oh, good Lord' Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the anteroom and confronts him. 'Oh, the

devil!'

LAWTON, folding his arms, and fixing his eyes upon him: 'Which means that you forgot I was coming.'

WILLIS: 'Doctor, you read a man's symptoms at a glance.'

LAWTON: 'Yes; and I can see that you are in a bad way, Mr. Campbell.'

WILLIS: 'Why don't you advertise, Doctor? Patients need only enclose a lock of their hair, and the colour of

their eyes, with one dollar to pay the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full directions for treatment,

by return mail. Seventh son of a seventh son.'

LAWTON: 'Ah, don't try to jest it away, my poor friend. This is one of those obscure diseases of the

heartinduration of the pericardiumwhich, if not taken in time, result in deceitfulness above all things,

and desperate wickedness.'

WILLIS: 'Look here, Dr. Lawton, what are you up to?'

LAWTON: 'Look here, Mr. Campbell, what is your little game?'

WILLIS: '_I_ don't know what you're up to.' He shrugs his shoulders and walks up the room.

LAWTON, shrugging his shoulders and walking up the room abreast of Campbell: '_I_ don't know what

your little game is.' They return together, and stop, confronting each other.

WILLIS: 'But if you think I'm going to give myself away'

LAWTON: 'If you suppose I'm going to take you at your own figure' They walk up the room together, and

return as before.

WILLIS: 'Mrs. Bemis, what is this unnatural parent of yours after?'

MRS. BEMIS, tittering: 'Oh, I'm sure _I_ can't tell.'

WILLIS: 'Aunt Mary, you used to be a friend of mine. Can't you give me some sort of clue?'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'I should be ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted anybody's help.'

WILLIS, sighing: 'Well, this is pretty hard on an orphan. Here I come to join a company of friends at the

fireside of a burgled brotherinlaw, and I find myself in a nest of conspirators.' Suddenly, after a moment:

'Oh, I understand. Why, I ought to have seen at once. But no matterit's just as well. I'm sure that we shall

hear Dr. Lawton leniently, and make allowance for his well known foible. Roberts is bound by the laws of

hospitality, and Mr. Bemis is the fatherinlaw of his daughter.'

MRS. BEMIS, in serious dismay: 'Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you mean?'

WILLIS: 'Simply that the mystery is solvedthe double garotter is discovered. I'm sorry for you, Mrs.

Bemis; and no one will wish to deal harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who robbed

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Mr. Roberts and Mr. Bemis. All that they ask is to have their watches back. Go on, Doctor! How will that do,

Aunt Mary, for a little flyer?'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis, I declare I never saw anybody like you!' She embraces him with joyous pride.

ROBERTS, coming forward anxiously: 'But, my dear Willis'

WILLIS, clapping his hand over his mouth, and leading him back to his place: 'We can't let you talk now.

I've no doubt you'll be considerate, and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor. Go on, Doctor! Free your mind!

Don't be afraid of telling the whole truth! It will be better for you in the end.' He rubs his hands gleefully, and

then thrusting the points of them into his waistcoat pockets, stands beaming triumphantly upon Lawton.

LAWTON: 'Do you think so?' With wellaffected trepidation 'Well, friends, if I must confess thisthis'

WILLIS: 'Highhanded outrage. Go on.'

LAWTON: 'I suppose I must. I shall not expect mercy for myself; perhaps you'll say that, as an old and

hardened offender, I don't deserve it. But I had an accomplicea young man very respectably connected,

and who, whatever his previous life may have been, had managed to keep a good reputation; a young man a

little apt to be misled by overweening vanity and the illadvised flattery of his friends; but I hope that neither

of you gentlemen will be hard upon him, but will consider his youth, and perhaps his congenital moral and

intellectual deficiencies, even when you find your watcheson Mr. Campbell's person.' He leans forward,

rubbing his hands, and smiling upon Campbell, 'How will that do, Mr. Campbell, for a flyer?'

WILLIS, turning to Mrs. Crashaw: 'One ahead, Aunt Mary?'

LAWTON, clasping him by the hand: 'No, generous youtheven!' They shake hands, clapping each other

on the back with their lefts, and joining in the general laugh.

BEMIS, coming forward jovially: 'Well, now, I gladly forgive you bothor whoever DID rob meif you'll

only give me back my watch.'

WILLIS: '_I_ haven't got your watch.'

LAWTON: 'Nor I.'

ROBERTS, rather faintly, and coming reluctantly forward: 'II have it, Mr. Bemis.' He produces it from

one waistcoat pocket and hands it to Bemis. Then, visiting the other: 'And what's worse, I have my own. I

don't know how I can ever explain it, or atone to you for my extraordinary behaviour. Willis thought you

might finally see it as a joke, and I've done my best to pass it off lightly'

WILLIS: 'And you succeeded. You had all the lightness of a sick hippopotamus.'

ROBERTS: 'I'm afraid so. I'll have the chain mended, of course. But when I went out this evening I left my

watch on my dressing table, and when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and supposed I had

been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours'

WILLIS: 'Being a man of the most violent temper and the most desperate courage'

ROBERTS: 'But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn't hurt you seriously?'

The Garotters

SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS 21

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Page No 24

BEMIS: 'Not at allnot the least.' Shaking him cordially by both hands: 'I'm all right. Mrs. Roberts has

healed all my wounds with her skilful needle; I've got on one of your best neckties, and this lace handkerchief

of your wife's, which I'm going to keep for a souvenir of the most extraordinary adventure of my life'

LAWTON: 'Oh, it's an old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.'

WILLIS: 'Well, Aunt Mary, I wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts in his character of MORAL hero.

He 'done' it with his little hatchet, but he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right before he owned up.'

MRS. ROBERTS, appearing: 'Who, Willis?'

WILLIS: 'A very great and good manGeorge Washington.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'I thought you meant Edward.'

WILLIS: 'Well, I don't suppose there IS much difference.'

MRS. CRASHAW: 'The robber has been caught, Agnes.'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'Caught? Nonsense! You don't mean it! How can you trifle with such a subject? I know

you are joking! Who is it?'

YOUNG BEMIS: 'You never could guess'

MRS. BEMIS: 'Never in the world!'

MRS. ROBERTS: 'I don't wish to. But oh, Mr. Bemis, I've just come from my own children, and you must

be merciful to his family!'

BEMIS: 'For your sake, dear lady, I will.'

BELLA, between the portieres: 'Dinner is ready, Mrs. Roberts.'

MRS. ROBERTS, passing her hand through Mr. Bemis's arm: 'Oh, then you must go in with me, and tell me

all about it.'

The Garotters

SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS 22

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Bookmarks

1. Table of Contents, page = 3

2. The Garotters, page = 4

3. William D. Howells, page = 4

4. PART FIRST, page = 4

5. SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS, page = 4

6. SCENE II: MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS, page = 7

7. SCENE III: MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS, page = 8

8. SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS, page = 11

9. PART SECOND, page = 13

10. SCENE I: MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL, page = 13

11. PART THIRD, page = 18

12. SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG MR. AND MRS. BEMIS, page = 18

13. SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS, page = 22