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Some Learned Fables for Good Old Boys and Girls ......................................................................................1

Mark Twain ..............................................................................................................................................1

Once the creatures of the forest held a great convention and appointed a commission consisting of the most

illustrious scientists among them to go forth, clear beyond the forest and out into the unknown and

unexplored world, to verify the truth of the matters already taught in their schools and colleges and also to

make discoveries. It was the most imposing enterprise of the kind the nation had ever embarked in. True, the

government had once sent Dr. Bull Frog, with a picked crew, to hunt for a northwesterly passage through the

swamp to the righthand corner of the wood, and had since sent out many expeditions to hunt for Dr. Bull

Frog; but they never could find him, and so government finally gave him up and ennobled his mother to show

its gratitude for the services her son had rendered to science. And once government sent Sir Grass Hopper to

hunt for the sources of the rill that emptied into the swamp; and afterward sent out many expeditions to hunt

for Sir Grass, and at last they were successfulthey found his body, but if he had discovered the sources

meanwhile, he did not let on. So government acted handsomely by deceased, and many envied his funeral.

But these expeditions were trifles compared with the present one; for this one comprised among its servants

the very greatest among the learned; and besides it was to go to the utterly unvisited regions believed to lie

beyond the mighty forestas we have remarked before. How the members were banqueted, and glorified,

and talked about! Everywhere that one of them showed himself, straightway there was a crowd to gape and

Finally they set off, and it was a sight to see the long procession of dryland Tortoises heavily laden with

savants, scientific instruments, GlowWorms and FireFlies for signal service, provisions, Ants and

TumbleBugs to fetch and carry and delve, Spiders to carry the surveying chain and do other engineering

duty, and so forth and so on; and after the Tortoises came another long train of ironcladsstately and

spacious Mud Turtles for marine transportation service; and from every Tortoise and every Turtle flaunted a

flaming gladiolus or other splendid banner; at the head of the column a great band of BumbleBees,

Mosquitoes, KatyDids, and Crickets discoursed martial music; and the entire train was under the escort and

At the end of three weeks the expedition emerged from the forest and looked upon the great Unknown World.

Their eyes were greeted by an impressive spectacle. A vast level plain stretched before them, watered by a

sinuous stream; and beyond there towered up against the sky a long and lofty barrier of some kind, they did

not know what. The TumbleBug said he believed it was simply land tilted up on its edge, because he knew

"You are hired to dig, sirthat is all. We need your muscle, not your brains. When we want your opinion on

scientific matters, we will hasten to let you know. Your coolness is intolerable, tooloafing about here

meddling with august matters of learning, when the other laborers are pitching camp. Go along and help

The TumbleBug turned on his heel uncrushed, unabashed, observing to himself, "If it isn't land tilted up, let

Professor Bull Frog (nephew of the late explorer) said he believed the ridge was the wall that inclosed the

"Our fathers have left us much learning, but they had not traveled far, and so we may count this a noble new

discovery. We are safe for renown now, even though our labors began and ended with this single

achievement. I wonder what this wall is built of? Can it be fungus? Fungus is an honorable good thing to

Professor Snail adjusted his fieldglass and examined the rampart critically. Finally he said:

"The fact that it is not diaphanous convinces me that it is a dense vapor formed by the calorification of

ascending moisture dephlogisticated by refraction. A few endiometrical experiments would confirm this, but

So he shut up his glass and went into his shell to make a note of the discovery of the world's end, and the

"Profound mind!" said Professor AngleWorm to Professor FieldMouse; "profound mind! nothing can long

Night drew on apace, the sentinel crickets were posted, the GlowWorm and FireFly lamps were lighted,

and the camp sank to silence and sleep. After breakfast in the morning, the expedition moved on. About noon

a great avenue was reached, which had in it two endless parallel bars of some kind of hard black substance,

which raised the height of the tallest Bull Frog above the general level. The scientists climbed up on these

and examined and tested them in various ways. They walked along them for a great distance, but found no

end and no break in them. They could arrive at no decision. There was nothing in the records of science that

mentioned anything of this kind. But at last the bald and venerable geographer, Professor Mud Turtle, a

person who, born poor, and of a drudging low family, had, by his own native force raised himself to the

"My friends, we have indeed made a discovery here. We have found in a palpable, compact, and imperishable

state what the wisest of our fathers always regarded as a mere thing of the imagination. Humble yourselves,

my friends, for we stand in a majestic presence. These are parallels of latitude!"

Every heart and every head was bowed, so awful, so sublime was the magnitude of the discovery. Many shed

The camp was pitched and the rest of the day given up to writing voluminous accounts of the marvel, and

correcting astronomical tables to fit it. Toward midnight a demonical shriek was heard, then a clattering and

rumbling noise, and the next instant a vast terrific eye shot by, with a long tail attached, and disappeared in

The poor camp laborers were stricken to the heart with fright, and stampeded for the high grass in a body. But

not the scientists. They had no superstitions. They calmly proceeded to exchange theories. The ancient

geographer's opinion was asked. He went into his shell and deliberated long and profoundly. When he came

out at last, they all knew by his worshiping countenance that he brought light. Said he:

"Give thanks for this stupendous thing which we have been permitted to witness. It is the Vernal Equinox!"

"But," said the AngleWorm, uncoiling after reflection, "this is dead summertime."

"Very well," said the Turtle, "we are far from our region; the season differs with the difference of time

"In these distant regions he doubtless passes always in the night at this hour."

"Yes, doubtless that is true. But it being night, how is it that we could see him?"

"It is a great mystery. I grant that. But I am persuaded that the humidity of the atmosphere in these remote

regions is such that particles of daylight adhere to the disk, and it was by aid of these that we were enabled to

But about this moment those dreadful shriekings were heard again; again the rumbling and thundering came

speeding up out of the night; and once more a flaming great eye flashed by and lost itself in gloom and

The camp laborers gave themselves up for lost. The savants were sorely perplexed. Here was a marvel hard to

account for. They thought and they talked, they talked and they thought. Finally the learned and aged Lord

GrandDaddyLonglegs, who had been sitting in deep study, with his slender limbs crossed and his stemmy

"Deliver your opinions, brethren, and then I will tell my thoughtfor I think I have solved this problem."

"So be it, good your lordship," piped the weak treble of the wrinkled and withered Professor Woodlouse, "for

we shall hear from your lordship's lips naught but wisdom." [Here the speaker threw in a mess of trite,

threadbare, exasperating quotations from the ancient poets and philosophers, delivering them with unction in

the sounding grandeurs of the original tongues, they being from the Mastodon, the Dodo, and other dead,

languages.] "Perhaps I ought not to presume to meddle with matters pertaining to astronomy at all, in such a

pretense as this, I who have made it the business of my life to delve only among the riches of the extinct

languages and unearth the opulence of their ancient lore; but still, as unacquainted as I am with the noble

science of astronomy, I beg with deference and humility to suggest that inasmuch as the last of these

wonderful apparitions proceeded in exactly the opposite direction from that pursued by the first, which you

decide to be the Vernal Equinox, and greatly resembled it in all particulars, is it not possible, nay certain, that

"Ooo! Ooo! go to bed! go to bed!" with annoyed derision from everybody. So the poor old Woodlouse

Further discussion followed, and then the united voice of the commission begged Lord Longlegs to speak. He

"Fellowscientists, it is my belief that we have witnessed a thing which has occurred in perfection but once

before in the knowledge of created beings. It is a phenomenon of inconceivable importance and interest, view

it as one may, but its interest to us is vastly heightened by an added knowledge of its nature which no scholar

has heretofore possessed or even suspected. This great marvel which we have just witnessed, fellowsavants

Every scholar sprang to his feet pale with astonishment. Then ensued tears, hand shakings, frenzied

embraces, and the most extravagant jubilations of every sort. But by and by, as emotion began to retire within

bounds, and refection to return to the front, the accomplished Chief Inspector Lizard observed:

The arrow went home. It carried sorrow to the breast of every apostle of learning there, for none could deny

that this was a formidable criticism. But tranquilly the venerable Duke crossed his limbs behind his ears and

"My friend has touched the marrow of our mighty discovery. Yesall that have lived before us thought a

transit of Venus consisted of a flight across the sun's face; they thought it, they maintained it, they honestly

believed it, simple hearts, and were justified in it by the limitations of their knowledge; but to us has been

granted the inestimable boon of proving that the transit occurs across the earth's face, for we have SEEN it!"

The assembled wisdom sat in speechless adoration of this imperial intellect. All doubts had instantly

The TumbleBug had just intruded, unnoticed. He now came reeling forward among the scholars, familiarly

slapping first one and then another on the shoulder, saying "Nice ('ic!) nice old boy!" and smiling a smile of

elaborate content. Arrived at a good position for speaking, he put his left arm akimbo with his knuckles

planted in his hip just under the edge of his cutaway coat, bent his right leg, placing his toe on the ground

and resting his heel with easy grace against his left shin, puffed out his aldermanic stomach, opened his lips,

But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the hardhanded son of toil went to earth. He floundered a

bit, but came up smiling, arranged his attitude with the same careful detail as before, only choosing Professor

Went to earth again. He presently scrambled up once more, still smiling, made a loose effort to brush the dust

off his coat and legs, but a smart pass of his hand missed entirely, and the force of the unchecked impulse

slewed him suddenly around, twisted his legs together, and projected him, limber and sprawling, into the lap

of the Lord Longlegs. Two or three scholars sprang forward, flung the low creature head over heels into a

corner, and reinstated the patrician, smoothing his ruffled dignity with many soothing and regretful speeches.

"No more of this, sirrah TumbleBug! Say your say and then get you about your business with speed!

Quickwhat is your errand? Comemove off a trifle; you smell like a stable; what have you been at?"

"Please ('ic!) please your worship I chanced to light upon a find. But no m (euck!) matter 'bout that. There's

b ('ic!) been another find whichbeg pardon, your honors, what was that th ('ic!) thing that ripped by here

"Inf ('ic!) fernal equinox. 'At's all right. D ('ic!) Dunno him. What's other one?"

No more votes were taken for fourandtwenty hours. Then the following entry was made:

"The commission went in a body to view the find. It was found to consist of a hard, smooth, huge object with

a rounded summit surmounted by a short upright projection resembling a section of a cabbage stalk divided

transversely. This projection was not solid, but was a hollow cylinder plugged with a soft woody substance

unknown to our regionthat is, it had been so plugged, but unfortunately this obstruction had been

heedlessly removed by Norway Rat, Chief of the Sappers and Miners, before our arrival. The vast object

before us, so mysteriously conveyed from the glittering domains of space, was found to be hollow and nearly

filled with a pungent liquid of a brownish hue, like rain water that has stood for some time. And such a

spectacle as met our view! Norway Rat was perched upon the summit engaged in thrusting his tail into the

cylindrical projection, drawing it out dripping, permitting the struggling multitude of laborers to suck the end

of it, then straightway reinserting it and delivering the fluid to the mob as before. Evidently this liquor had

strangely potent qualities; for all that partook of it were immediately exalted with great and pleasurable

emotions, and went staggering about singing ribald songs, embracing, fighting, dancing, discharging

irruptions of profanity, and defying all authority. Around us struggled a massed and uncontrolled

mobuncontrolled and likewise uncontrollable, for the whole army, down to the very sentinels, were mad

like the rest, by reason of the drink. We were seized upon by these reckless creatures, and within the hour we,

even we, were undistinguishable from the restthe demoralization was complete and universal. In time the

camp wore itself out with its orgies and sank into a stolid and pitiable stupor, in whose mysterious bonds rank

was forgotten and strange bedfellows made, our eyes, at the resurrection, being blasted and our souls petrified

with the incredible spectacle of that intolerable stinking scavenger, the TumbleBug, and the illustrious

patrician my Lord Grand Daddy, Duke of Longlegs, lying soundly steeped in sleep, and clasped lovingly in

each other's arms, the like whereof hath not been seen in all the ages that tradition compasseth, and doubtless

none shall ever in this world find faith to master the belief of it save only we that have beheld the damnable

"This day, by order, did the engineerinchief, Herr Spider, rig the necessary tackle for the overturning of the

vast reservoir, and so its calamitous contents were discharged in a torrent upon the thirsty earth, which drank

it up, and now there is no more danger, we reserving but a few drops for experiment and scrutiny, and to

exhibit to the king and subsequently preserve among the wonders of the museum. What this liquid is has been

determined. It is without question that fierce and most destructive fluid called lightning. It was wrested, in its

container, from its storehouse in the clouds, by the resistless might of the flying planet, and hurled at our feet

as she sped by. An interesting discovery here results. Which is, that lightning, kept to itself, is quiescent; it is

the assaulting contact of the thunderbolt that releases it from captivity, ignites its awful fires, and so produces

an instantaneous combustion and explosion which spread disaster and desolation far and wide in the earth."

After another day devoted to rest and recovery, the expedition proceeded upon its way. Some days later it

went into camp in a pleasant part of the plain, and the savants sallied forth to see what they might find. Their

reward was at hand. Professor Bull Frog discovered a strange tree, and called his comrades. They inspected it

with profound interest. It was very tall and straight, and wholly devoid of bark, limbs, or foliage. By

triangulation Lord Longlegs determined its altitude; Herr Spider measured its circumference at the base and

computed the circumference at its top by a mathematical demonstration based upon the warrant furnished by

the uniform degree of its taper upward. It was considered a very extraordinary find; and since it was a tree of

hitherto unknown species, Professor Woodlouse gave it a name of a learned sound, being none other than that

of Professor Bull Frog translated into the ancient Mastodon language, for it had always been the custom with

discoverers to perpetuate their names and honor themselves by this sort of connection with their discoveries.

Now Professor FieldMouse, having placed his sensitive ear to the tree, detected a rich, harmonious sound

issuing from it. This surprising thing was tested and enjoyed by each scholar in turn, and great was the

gladness and the astonishment of all. Professor Woodlouse was requested to add to and extend the tree's name

so as to make it suggest the musical quality it possessedwhich he did, furnishing the addition Anthem

By this time Professor Snail was making some telescopic inspections. He discovered a great number of these

trees, extending in a single rank, with wide intervals between, as far as his instrument would carry, both

southward and northward. He also presently discovered that all these trees were bound together, near their

tops, by fourteen great ropes, one above another, which ropes were continuous, from tree to tree, as far as his

vision could reach. This was surprising. Chief Engineer Spider ran aloft and soon reported that these ropes

were simply a web hung there by some colossal member of his own species, for he could see its prey

dangling here and there from the strands, in the shape of mighty shreds and rags that had a woven look about

their texture and were no doubt the discarded skins of prodigious insects which had been caught and eaten.

And then he ran along one of the ropes to make a closer inspection, but felt a smart sudden burn on the soles

of his feet, accompanied by a paralyzing shock, wherefore he let go and swung himself to the earth by a

thread of his own spinning, and advised all to hurry at once to camp, lest the monster should appear and get

as much interested in the savants as they were in him and his works. So they departed with speed, making

notes about the gigantic web as they went. And that evening the naturalist of the expedition built a beautiful

model of the colossal spider, having no need to see it in order to do this, because he had picked up a fragment

of its vertebra by the tree, and so knew exactly what the creature looked like and what its habits and its

preferences were by this simple evidence alone. He built it with a tail, teeth, fourteen legs, and a snout, and

said it ate grass, cattle, pebbles, and dirt with equal enthusiasm. This animal was regarded as a very precious

addition to science. It was hoped a dead one might be found to stuff. Professor Woodlouse thought that he

and his brother scholars, by lying hid and being quiet, might maybe catch a live one. He was advised to try it.

Which was all the attention that was paid to his suggestion. The conference ended with the naming of the

"And improved it, mayhap," muttered the TumbleBug, who was intruding again, according to his idle

A week later the expedition camped in the midst of a collection of wonderful curiosities. These were a sort of

vast caverns of stone that rose singly and in bunches out of the plain by the side of the river which they had

first seen when they emerged from the forest. These caverns stood in long, straight rows on opposite sides of

broad aisles that were bordered with single ranks of trees. The summit of each cavern sloped sharply both

ways. Several horizontal rows of great square holes, obstructed by a thin, shiny, transparent substance,

pierced the frontage of each cavern. Inside were caverns within caverns; and one might ascend and visit these

minor compartments by means of curious winding ways consisting of continuous regular terraces raised one

above another. There were many huge, shapeless objects in each compartment which were considered to have

been living creatures at one time, though now the thin brown skin was shrunken and loose, and rattled when

disturbed. Spiders were here in great number, and their cobwebs, stretched in all directions and wreathing the

great skinny dead together, were a pleasant spectacle, since they inspired with life and wholesome cheer a

scene which would otherwise have brought to the mind only a sense of forsakenness and desolation.

Information was sought of these spiders, but in vain. They were of a different nationality from those with the

expedition, and their language seemed but a musical, meaningless jargon. They were a timid, gentle race, but

ignorant, and heathenish worshipers of unknown gods. The expedition detailed a great detachment of

missionaries to teach them the true religion, and in a week's time a precious work had been wrought among

those darkened creatures, not three families being by that time at peace with each other or having a settled

belief in any system of religion whatever. This encouraged the expedition to establish a colony of

But let us not outrun our narrative. After close examination of the fronts of the caverns, and much thinking

and exchanging of theories, the scientists determined the nature of these singular formations. They said that

each belonged mainly to the Old Red Sandstone period; that the cavern fronts rose in innumerable and

wonderfully regular strata high in the air, each stratum about five frogspans thick, and that in the present

discovery lay an overpowering refutation of all received geology; for between every two layers of Old Red

Sandstone reposed a thin layer of decomposed limestone; so instead of their having been but one Old Red

Sandstone period there had certainly been not less than a hundred and seventyfive! And by the same token it

was plain that there had also been a hundred and seventyfive floodings of the earth and depositings of

limestone strata! The unavoidable deduction from which pair of facts was the overwhelming truth that the

world, instead of being only two hundred thousand years old, was older by millions upon millions of years!

And there was another curious thing: every stratum of Old Red Sandstone was pierced and divided at

mathematically regular intervals by vertical strata of limestone. Upshootings of igneous rock through

fractures in water formations were common; but here was the first instance where waterformed rock had

been so projected. It was a great and noble discovery, and its value to science was considered to be

A critical examination of some of the lower strata demonstrated the presence of fossil ants and tumblebugs

(the latter accompanied by their peculiar goods), and with high gratification the fact was enrolled upon the

scientific record; for this was proof that these vulgar laborers belonged to the first and lowest orders of

created beings, though at the same time there was something repulsive in the reflection that the perfect and

exquisite creature of the modem uppermost order owed its origin to such ignominious beings through the

The TumbleBug, overhearing this discussion, said he was willing that the parvenus of these new times

should find what comfort they might in their wisedrawn theories, since as far as he was concerned he was

content to be of the old first families and proud to point back to his place among the old original aristocracy

"Enjoy your mushroom dignity, stinking of the varnish of yesterday's veneering, since you like it," said he;

"suffice it for the TumbleBugs that they come of a race that rolled their fragrant spheres down the solemn

aisles of antiquity, and left their imperishable words embalmed in the Old Red Sandstone to proclaim it to the

The summer passed, and winter approached. In and about many of the caverns were what seemed to be

inscriptions. Most of the scientists said they were inscriptions, a few said they were not. The chief philologist,

Professor Woodlouse, maintained that they were writings, done in a character utterly unknown to scholars,

and in a language equally unknown. He had early ordered his artists and draftsmen to make facsimiles of all

that were discovered; and had set himself about finding the key to the hidden tongue. In this work he had

followed the method which had always been used by decipherers previously. That is to say, he placed a

number of copies of inscriptions before him and studied them both collectively and in detail. To begin with,

At first it seemed to the professor that this was a signlanguage, and that each word was represented by a

distinct sign: further examination convinced him that it was a written language, and that every letter of its

alphabet was represented by a character of its own; and finally he decided that it was a language which

conveyed itself partly by letters, and partly by signs or hieroglyphics. This conclusion was forced upon him

He observed that certain inscriptions were met with in greater frequency than others. Such as "For Sale

Cheap"; "Billiards"; "S. T.1860X"; "Keno"; "Ale on Draught." Naturally, then, these must be religious

maxims. But this idea was cast aside by and by, as the mystery of the strange alphabet began to clear itself. In

time, the professor was enabled to translate several of the inscriptions with considerable plausibility, though

not to the perfect satisfaction of all the scholars. Still, he made constant and encouraging progress.

Professor Woodlouse affirmed that the word "Museum" was equivalent to the phrase "lumgath molo," or

"Burial Place." Upon entering, the scientists were well astonished. But what they saw may be best conveyed

"Erect, in a row, were a sort of rigid great figures which struck us instantly as belonging to the long extinct

species of reptile called MAN, described in our ancient records. This was a peculiarly gratifying discovery,

because of late times it has become fashionable to regard this creature as a myth and a superstition, a work of

the inventive imaginations of our remote ancestors. But here, indeed, was Man, perfectly preserved, in a

fossil state. And this was his burial place, as already ascertained by the inscription. And now it began to be

suspected that the caverns we had been inspecting had been his ancient haunts in that old time that he roamed

the earthfor upon the breast of each of these tall fossils was an inscription in the character heretofore

noticed. One read, 'CAPTAIN KIDD, THE PIRATE'; another, 'QUEEN VICTORIA'; another, 'ABE

"With feverish interest we called for our ancient scientific records to discover if perchance the description of

Man there set down would tally with the fossils before us. Professor Woodlouse read it aloud in its quaint and

In ye time of our fathers Man still walked ye earth, as by tradition we know. It was a creature of exceeding

great size, being compassed about with a loose skin, sometimes of one color, sometimes of many, the which

it was able to cast at will; which being done, the hind legs were discovered to be armed with short claws like

to a mole's but broader, and ye forelegs with fingers of a curious slimness and a length much more prodigious

than a frog's, armed also with broad talons for scratching in ye earth for its food. It had a sort of feathers upon

its head such as hath a rat, but longer, and a beak suitable for seeking its food by ye smell thereof. When it

was stirred with happiness, it leaked water from its eyes; and when it suffered or was sad, it manifested it

with a horrible hellish cackling clamor that was exceeding dreadful to hear and made one long that it might

rend itself and perish, and so end its troubles. Two Mans being together, they uttered noises at each other like

this: "Hawhawhawdam good, dam good," together with other sounds of more or less likeness to these,

wherefore ye poets conceived that they talked, but poets be always ready to catch at any frantic folly, God he

knows. Sometimes this creature goeth about with a long stick ye which it putteth to its face and bloweth fire

and smoke through ye same with a sudden and most damnable bruit and noise that doth fright its prey to

death, and so seizeth it in its talons and walked away to its habitat, consumed with a most fierce and devlish

"Now was the description set forth by our ancestors wonderfully indorsed and confirmed by the fossils before

us, as shall be seen. The specimen marked 'Captain Kidd' was examined in detail. Upon its head and part of

its face was a sort of furr like that upon the tail of a horse. With great labor its loose skin was removed,

whereupon its body was discovered to be of a polished white texture, thoroughly petrified. The straw it had

eaten, so many ages gone by, was still in its body, undigestedand even in its legs.

"Surrounding these fossils were objects that would mean nothing to the ignorant, but to the eye of science

they were a revelation. They laid bare the secrets of dead ages. These musty Memorials told us when Man

lived, and what were his habits. For here, side by side with Man, were the evidences that he had lived in the

earliest ages of creation, the companion of the other low orders of life that belonged to that forgotten time.

Here was the fossil nautilus that sailed the primeval seas; here was the skeleton of the mastodon, the

ichthyosaurus, the cavebear, the prodigious elk. Here, also, were the charred bones of some of these extinct

animals and of the young of Man's own species, split lengthwise, showing that to his taste the marrow was a

toothsome luxury. It was plain that Man had robbed those bones of their contents, since no toothmark of any

beast was upon themalbeit the TumbleBug intruded the remark that 'no beast could mark a bone with its

teeth, anyway.' Here were proofs that Man had vague, groveling notions of art; for this fact was conveyed by

certain things marked with the untranslatable words, 'FLINT HATCHETS, KNIVES, ARROWHEADS,

AND BONE ORNAMENTS OF PRIMEVAL MAN.' Some of these seemed to be rude weapons chipped out

of flint, and in a secret place was found some more in process of construction, with this untranslatable legend,

Jones, if you don't want to be discharged from the Museum, make the next primeaveal weppons more

carefulyou couldn't even fool one of these sleapy old syentiffic grannys from the Coledge with the last

ones. And mind you the animles you carved on some of the Bone Ornaments is a blame sight too good for

"Back of the burial place was a mass of ashes, showing that Man always had a feast at a funeralelse why

the ashes in such a place; and showing, also, that he believed in God and the immortality of the soulelse

"To sum up. We believe that Man had a written language. We know that he indeed existed at one time, and is

not a myth; also, that he was the companion of the cavebear, the mastodon, and other extinct species; that he

cooked and ate them and likewise the young of his own kind; also, that he bore rude weapons, and knew

nothing of art; that he imagined he had a soul, and pleased himself with the fancy that it was immortal. But

let us not laugh; there may be creatures in existence to whom we and our vanities and profundities may seem

Near the margin of the great river the scientists presently found a huge, shapely stone, with this inscription:

In 1847, in the spring, the river overflowed its banks and covered the whole township. The depth was from

two to six feet. More than 900 head of cattle were lost, and many homes destroyed. The Mayor ordered this

memorial to be erected to perpetuate the event. God spare us the repetition of it!

With infinite trouble, Professor Woodlouse succeeded in making a translation of this inscription, which was

sent home, and straightway an enormous excitement was created about it. It confirmed, in a remarkable way,

certain treasured traditions of the ancients. The translation was slightly marred by one or two untranslatable

words, but these did not impair the general clearness of the meaning. It is here presented:

One thousand eight hundred and fortyseven years ago, the (fires?) descended and consumed the whole city.

Only some nine hundred souls were saved, all others destroyed. The (king?) commanded this stone to be set

This was the first successful and satisfactory translation that had been made of the mysterious character left

behind him by extinct man, and it gave Professor Woodlouse such reputation that at once every seat of

learning in his native land conferred a degree of the most illustrious grade upon him, and it was believed that

if he had been a soldier and had turned his splendid talents to the extermination of a remote tribe of reptiles,

the king would have ennobled him and made him rich. And this, too, was the origin of that school of

scientists called Manologists, whose specialty is the deciphering of the ancient records of the extinct bird

termed Man. [For it is now decided that Man was a bird and not a reptile.] But Professor Woodlouse began

and remained chief of these, for it was granted that no translations were ever so free from error as his. Others

made mistakeshe seemed incapable of it. Many a memorial of the lost race was afterward found, but none

ever attained to the renown and veneration achieved by the "Mayoritish Stone"it being so called from the

word "Mayor" in it, which, being translated "King," "Mayoritish Stone" was but another way of saying "King

Another time the expedition made a great "find." It was a vast round flattish mass, ten frogspans in diameter

and five or six high. Professor Snail put on his spectacles and examined it all around, and then climbed up

"The result of my perlustration and perscontation of this isoperimetrical proturberance is a belief that it is one

of those rare and wonderful creations left by the Mound Builders. The fact that this one is lamellibranchiate

in its formation simply adds to its interest as being possibly of a different kind from any we read of in the

records of science, but yet in no manner marring its authenticity. Let the megalophonous grasshopper sound a

blast and summon hither the perfunctory and circumforaneous TumbleBug, to the end that excavations may

Not a TumbleBug could be found on duty, so the Mound was excavated by a working party of Ants.

Nothing was discovered. This would have been a great disappointment, had not the venerable Longlegs

"It is now plain to me that the mysterious and forgotten race of Mound Builders did not always erect these

edifices as mausoleums, else in this case, as in all previous cases, their skeletons would be found here, along

with the rude implements which the creatures used in life. Is not this manifest?"

"Then we have made a discovery of peculiar value here; a discovery which greatly extends our knowledge of

this creature in place of diminishing it; a discovery which will add luster to the achievements of this

expedition and win for us the commendations of scholars everywhere. For the absence of the customary relics

here means nothing less than this: The Mound Builder, instead of being the ignorant, savage reptile we have

been taught to consider him, was a creature of cultivation and high intelligence, capable of not only

appreciating worthy achievements of the great and noble of his species, but of commemorating them!

"A monument'" quoth he. "A monument set up by a Mound Builder! Aye, so it is! So it is, indeed, to the

shrewd keen eye of science; but to an ignorant poor devil who has never seen a college, it is not a Monument,

strictly speaking, but is yet a most rich and noble property; and with your worship's good permission I will

The TumbleBug was driven away with stripes, and the draftsmen of the expedition were set to making

views of the Monument from different standpoints, while Professor Woodlouse, in a frenzy of scientific zeal,

traveled all over it and all around it hoping to find an inscription. But if there had ever been one, it had

The views having been completed, it was now considered safe to load the precious Monument itself upon the

backs of four of the largest Tortoises and send it home to the king's museum, which was done; and when it

arrived it was received with enormous �clat and escorted to its future abidingplace by thousands of

enthusiastic citizens, King Bullfrog XVI himself attending and condescending to sit enthroned upon it

The growing rigor of the weather was now admonishing the scientists to close their labors for the present, so

they made preparations to journey homeward. But even their last day among the Caverns bore fruit; for one

of the scholars found in an outoftheway corner of the Museum or "Burial Place" a most strange and

extraordinary thing. It was nothing less than a double ManBird lashed together breast to breast by a natural

ligament, and labeled with the untranslatable words, "Siamese Twins." The official report concerning this

"Wherefore it appears that there were in old times two distinct species of this majestic fowl, the one being

single and the other double. Nature has a reason for all things. It is plain to the eye of science that the

DoubleMan originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded; hence he was paired together to the end

that while one part slept the other might watch; and likewise that, danger being discovered, there might

always be a double instead of a single power to oppose it. All honor to the mysterydispelling eye of godlike

And near the Double ManBird was found what was plainly an ancient record of his, marked upon

numberless sheets of a thin white substance and bound together. Almost the first glance that Professor

Woodlouse threw into it revealed this following sentence, which he instantly translated and laid before the

scientists, in a tremble, and it uplifted every soul there with exultation and astonishment: "In truth it is

When the great official report of the expedition appeared, the above sentence bore this comment:

Then there are lower animals than Man! This remarkable passage can mean nothing else. Man himself is

extinct, but they may still exist. What can they be? Where do they inhabit? One's enthusiasm bursts all

bounds in the contemplation of the brilliant field of discovery and investigation here thrown open to science.

We close our labors with the humble prayer that your Majesty will immediately appoint a commission and

command it to rest not nor spare expense until the search for this hitherto unsuspected race of the creatures of

The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long absence and its faithful endeavors, and was received

with a mighty ovation by the whole grateful country. There were vulgar, ignorant carpers, of course, as there

always are and always will be; and naturally one of these was the obscene TumbleBug. He said that all he

had learned by his travels was that science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain of

demonstrated fact out of; and that for the future he meant to be content with the knowledge that nature had

made free to all creatures and not go prying into the august secrets of the Deity.