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Hengist, King of Kent, or The Mayor of Quinborough ...................................................................................1

Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1

I.i. [Before a monastery]..........................................................................................................................2

II.i. [A room in the palace] .....................................................................................................................18

III.i. [A room in the palace]...................................................................................................................33

IV.i. [A road near Thong Castle]...........................................................................................................54

V.i. [A room in Simon's house].............................................................................................................71

Music. Enter certain Monks [including Lupus and] Germanus, Constantius being one, singing as [at]

Music. Dumb show: Fortune is discovered upon an altar, in her hand a golden round full of lots. Enter

Hengist and Horsus with others; they draw lots and hang them up with joy: so all depart saving Hengist and

Horsus, who kneel and embrace each other as partners in one fortune. To them enter Roxena, seeming to take

her leave of Hengist her father, but especially privately and warily of Horsus her lover; she departs weeping,

and Hengist and Horsus go to the door and bring in their soldiers with drum and colours, and so march forth.

Enter Vortiger, Fellmonger, Buttonmonger, [Brazier,] Grazier[s], [and other] petitioners.

I have such a treacherous heart of mine own, 'twill throb at the very fall of a farthingale.

Yes, truly, if there be no light in the room I shall throb presently. The first time it took me my wife was i' th'

company; I remember the room was not half so light as this, but I'll be sworn I was a whole hour afinding

Still I felt men, but I could feel no women; I thought they had been all sunk. I have made a vow for't, I'll

Yes, sir, in lanthorns, but I'll never trust a naked candle again, take 't on my word.

Oh, majesty, what art thou! I'd give any man half my suit to deliver my petition now; 'tis in the behalf of

There's no good to be done here, I see that; we may all spend our mouths like a company of hounds in the

chase of a royal deer, and go home and fall to cold mutton bones, when we have done.

He'll starve the guard and this be suffer'd; if we set court bellies by a monastery clock, he that breaks a

Hoboys. Dumb show. Enter two villains, to them Vortiger seeming to solicit them, gives them gold, then

swears them. Exit Vortiger. Enter to them Constantius in private meditation; they rudely come to him, strike

down his book and draw their swords upon him. He fairly spreads his arms and yields to their furies, at which

they seem to be overcome with pity, but looking on the gold kill him as he turns his back and hurry away his

body. Enter Vortiger, Devonshire, Stafford in private conference; to them enter the murderers presenting the

head to Vortiger. He seems to express much sorrow, and before the astonished lords makes officers lay hold

on 'em, who offering to come towards Vortiger are commanded to be hurried away as to execution. Then the

lords, all seeming respect, crown Vortiger; then bring in Castiza, who seems to be brought in unwillingly [by]

Devonshire and Stafford who crown her and then give her to Vortiger, she going forth with him with a kind

of constrain'd consent. Then enter Aurelius and Uther the two brothers who much astonished seem to fly for

[Aside] Oh, unreasonable villain! He would buy the house o'er a man's head. I'll be sure now to make my

bargain wisely; they may buy me out of my skin else.Whose hide would you have, mine or the beast's?

There's little difference in their complexions; I think mine [be] th' better o' th' twain: you shall see for your

love and buy for your money. [Aside] A pestilence on you all, how have you gull'd me! You buy an ox hide!

You buy a good calf's gather! They are all hungry soldiers and I took 'em for shoemakers.

Very nimbly, sir: my master's dead, and I serve my mistress. I am a masterless man, sir; she's now a widow,

Faith, and I thank your bounty and not your wisdom; you are not troubled greatly with wit neither it seems.

[Aside] Now by this light, a nest of yellowhammers! What will become of me? If I can keep all these without

hanging of myself, I am happier than a hundred of my neighbours.You shall have my skin into the bargain

too, willingly, sir, then if I chance to die like a dog, the labour will be saved of fleaing. I'll undertake, sir, you

That were a jest indeed! Go and spoil all the leather? Sin and pity, why, 'twould shoe half your army!

What, cut it all in thongs? Hunch, [this] is like the vanity of your Roman gallants, that cannot wear good suits

but they must have 'em cut and slash'd into giggets, that the very crimson taffety sits blushing at their follies.

I would I might persuade you, sir, from the humour of cutting; 'tis but a kind of swaggering condition and

nothing profitable. What an't were but well pinked? 'Twould last longer for a summer suit.

A shame on your crafty hide! Is this your cunning? I have learn'd more knavery now than ever I shall shake

off while I live. I'll go purchase lands by cows' tails and undo the parish; three good bulls' pizzles would set

up a man forever. This is like a pin a day doubled to set up a haberdasher of small wares.

You could never have lighted upon such a fellow, captain, to serve your turn. I have such a trick of stretching

tooI learnt it of a tanner's man that was hang'd last sessionsthat I'll warrant you I'll get you in a mile and

I'm casting about for nine acres to make you a garden plot out of one of the buttocks.

She that has the green sickness and should follow her counsel would die like an ass and go to th' worms like a

salad; not I as long as such a creature as man is made: she's a fool that will not know what he's good for.

Oh, most barbarous! A corrector of enormities in hair, my lord, a promoter of upper lips, or what your

Yes, sir, I am a barbersurgeon: I have had something to do with't in my time, my lord, and I was never so

out o' th' body as I have been here of late; send me good luck, I'll go marry some whore or other but I'll get in

I were an ass else, saving your lordship's presence; we have a body, but our town wants a hand, a hand of

That's all his glory, sir: he got his master's widow by't presently after, a rich tanner's wife. She has set him up;

Simonides? What a fine name he has made of Simon! Then he's an ass that calls me Simon again; I'm quite

I took a widow, my lord, to be the best piece of ground to thrive on, and by my faith, there's a young

True, sir, but most of our townsmen are so hoarse with drinking, there's ne'er a good voice amongst 'em all

Look you, neighbours, view us both well ere you be too hasty; let Oliver the fustian weaver stand as fair as I

I do, thou upstart [callymoocher], I do. 'Tis well known to thee I have been twice alecunner, thou mushrump

Faith, thou art such a spiny baldrib, all the mistresses in the town would never get thee up.

[Aside] I gave that barber a fustian suit, and twice redeem'd his cittern; he may remember me.

The deadly sins will scorn to rise by thee, and they have any breeding, as commonly they are well brought

up; 'tis not for every scab to be acquainted with 'em. But leaving scabs, to you good neighbours [now] I bend

my speech. First, to say more than a man can say, I hold it not so fit to be spoken, but to say what man ought

to say, there I leave you also. I must confess your loves have chosen a weak and unlearn'd manthat I can

neither write nor read you all can witnessyet not altogether so unlearn'd but I could set my mark to a bond,

if I would be so simple, an excellent token of government. Cheer you then, my hearts, you have done you

Now touching our common adversary, the fustian weaver, who threateneth he will raise the deadly sins

amongst us, which as I take it are seven in number, let 'em come: our town's big enough to hold 'em, we will

not much disgrace it; besides, you know a deadly sin will lie in a narrow hole. But when they think

themselves safest and the web of their iniquity woven, with the horsestrength of my justice I'll break the

looms of their concupiscence, and let the weaver go seek his shuttle. Here you may hem again, if you'll do me

Why, I thank you all, and it shall not go unrewarded. Now for the seven deadly sins: first, for pride, which

always sits uppermost and will be plac'd without a churchwarden; being a sin that is not like to be chargeable

to the parish, I slip it over and think it not worthy of punishment. Now you all know that sloth does not

anything; this place, you see, requires wisdom. How can a man in conscience punish that which does

nothing? Envy, a poor, lean creature that eats raw liver, perhaps it pines to see me chosen, and that makes me

the fatter with laughing; if I punish envy then I punish mine own carcass, a great sin against authority. For

wrath, the less we say, the better 'tis; a scurvy, desperate thing it is, that commonly hangs itself and saves

justice many a halter by't. Now for covetousness and gluttony, I'll tell you more when I come out of mine

office; I shall have time to try what they are, I'll prove 'em soundly, and if I find gluttony and covetousness to

be directly sins, I'll bury one i' th' bottom of a chest, and th'other i' th' end of my garden. But, sirs, for lechery,

I mean to tickle that home, nay, I'm resolv'd upon't: I will not leave one whore in all the town.

Barber, be silent; I will cut thy comb else. To conclude, I will learn the villainies of all trades, mine own I

know already: if there be any knavery in the baker, I will bolt it out; if in the brewer, I will taste him

throughly, and then piss out his iniquity in his own sinkhole. In a word, I will knock out all enormities like a

You may prove I am the man: I am bold to take the upper hand of your lordship a little; I'll not lose an inch of

[Hengist and Roxena retire to one side, Hengist pretending to have fallen asleep reading a book.]

Enter Vortiger, Castiza, two Ladies, Roxena, Devonshire, Stafford at one door, Simon and his brethren at the

Music. Exeunt King [Vortiger, Castiza], lords [and ladies. Manent Simon and citizens].

Hoboys. The king [Vortiger] and his train met by Hengist and Horsus; they salute and exeunt. While the

banquet is brought forth, music plays. Enter Vortiger, [Hengist,] Horsus, Devonshire, Stafford, Castiza,

Hoboys. Dumb show. Enter Lupus, Germanus, Devonshire, Stafford leading [Vortimer]; they seat him in the

throne and crown him king. Enter Vortiger in great passion and submission; they neglect him, then Roxena

expressing great fury and discontent. They lead out [Vortimer] and leave Vortiger and Roxena; she suborns

two Saxons to murder [Vortimer]; they swear performance and secrecy, and exeunt with Roxena. Then

Vortiger left alone draws his sword and offers to run himself thereon. Enter Horsus and prevents him; then

the lords enter again and exit Horsus. Then is brought in the body of [Vortimer] in a chair, dead; they all in

amazement and sorrow take Vortiger and upon his submission restore him, swearing him against the Saxons.

Then enter Hengist with diverse Saxons, Vortiger and the rest with their swords drawn threaten their

expulsion, whereat Hengist, amaz'd, sends one to entreat a peaceable parley, which seeming to be granted by

Enter Simon, clerk [Aminadab], Glover, Fellmonger, Grazier, etc. [as officers]. Music.

Good; let a yard be sav'd to mend me between the legs, the rest cut in pieces and given to the poor: 'tis heretic

fustian, and should be burnt indeed, but being worn threadbare the shame will be as great. How think you,

Country comedians, interluders, sir, [desire] your worship's leave and favour to enact in the town hall.

I' th' town hall? 'Tis ten to one I never grant it. Call 'em before my worship. If my house will not serve their

We are anything, sir: comedians, tragedians, tragicomedians, comitragedians, pastorists, humourists,

clownists, and satirists; we have 'em, sir, from the smile to the laugh, from the laugh to the handkerchief.

You are very [strong i' th'] wrists; and shall these good parts y'are indued withal be cast away upon peddlers

What think you of me, my masters? Have you audacity enough to play before so high a person? Will not my

countenance daunt you? For if you play before me I shall often look at you; I give you that warning

beforehand. Take it not ill, my masters; I shall laugh at you, and truly when I'm least offended with you: my

Oh, those beasts are often the best men i' th' parish, and must not be kept out! But which is your merriest play

[Fie, fie, your company must fall upon him and beat him]; he's too fair to make the people laugh.

Faith, dress him how you will, I'll give him that gift he'll never look half scurvily enough. Oh, the clowns that

I have seen in my time! The very peeping out of 'em would have made a young heir laugh if his father had

lain adying; a man undone in law the day before, the saddest case that can be, might for his twopence have

burst himself with laughing and ended all his miseries. Here was a merry world, my masters!

Nay, 'tis a point of justice, an't be well examined, not to offer the king worse than I'll see myself, for a play

In plain terms, if thou hast anything to say to me, send me away quickly; this is no biding place. I understand

there's players in the house. Dispatch me, I charge thee, in the name of all the brethren.

What a bold rascal's this! He calls us all asses at first dash; sure none of us lives by our wits, neighbours,

Fellows in arms, quoth 'a? He may well call 'em fellows in arms, for they are all out o' th' elbows.

Be lively, my heart, be lively; the booty's at hand. He's but a fool of a yeoman's eldest son; he comes balanc'd

on both sides, bully: he's going to pay rent with th' one pocket, and buy household stuff with th' other.

And if this be his last day, my chuck, he shall forfeit his lease, quoth th' one pocket, and eat his meat i' th' old

Faith, then he's not so wise as he ought to be if he let such tatterdemalions get th' upper hand on him.

Ay, but do you mark how he comes? Small to our comfort, with both his hands in's pockets. How is't possible

Ay, here's the part now, neighbours, that carries away the play. If the clown miscarry, farewell my hopes

They say there's a foolish thing call'd cheaters abroad that will gull any yeoman's son of his purse and laugh

in's [face] like an Irishman. I would fain meet with one of those cheaters; I'm in as good state to be gull'd now

as ever I was in my life, for I have two purses at this time about me, and I'd fain be acquainted with that

Faith, thou mayst be acquainted with two or three that will do their good wills I warrant you.

A scurvy hobbyhorse, that could not leave his money with me, having such a charge about him! A pox on

thee for an ass! Thou play a clown? I will commit thee for offering on't. Officer, away with him.

But 'twas as foolish a part as ever thou play'd'st in thy life, and I'll make thee smoke for't. I'll teach thee to

understand to play a clown, thou shalt know; every man is not born to't. Look thee, away with him quickly,

Come on, sir, let's see what your knaveship can do at me now. You must not think now, rascal, you have no

[He throws off his gown, discovering his doublet with a satin forepart and a canvas back.]

Away, brother, 'tis not good to scorn anything: a man does not know what he may come to; everyone knows

I beseech your worship let's have our own clown; I know not how to go forward else.

Knave, play out thy part with me or I'll lay thee by the heels all the days of thy life else. Why, how now, my

masters, who's that laugh'd now? Cannot a man of worship play the clown a little for his pleasure but he must

be laugh'd at? Do you know who I am? Is the king's deputy of no better accompt amongst you? Was I chosen

Take a note of all those that laugh at me, that when I have done I may commit 'em. Let me see who dares do't

now. And now to you once again, sir cheater; look you, here's my pursestrings, I defy thee.

Good sir, tempt me not; my part is so written that I should cheat your worship and you were my father.

Therefore I beseech your worship pardon me; the part has more knavery than when your worship saw it first.

I assure you you'll be deceiv'd in't, sir; the new additions will take any man's purse in Kent or Kirsendom.

Away, let him go! He'll have all your purses, and he come back. A pox on your new additions! They spoil all

the plays that ever they come in; the old way had no such roguery in't, I remember. Call you this a merry

I make you my deputy to rule the town till I can see again, which I hope will be within nine days at furthest.

Nothing grieves me but that I hear Oliver the rebel laugh at me. Pox on your puritan face! This will make you

Why, then I'll hang the cheater for stealing on't, and the miller for being out of the way when he did it.

But he has done his best, the rascal, for I know not how a villain could put out a man's eyes better, and leave

Y'are sure cozen'd, sir; they are all cheaters professed! They have stol'n three silver spoons too, and the clown

took his heels with all celerity; they only take the name of country comedians to abuse simple people with a

printed play or two they bought at Canterbury last week for sixpence, and which is worst, they speak but what

A man's never too old to learn; your grace will say so when you hear all the villainy. The truth 'tis, my lord, I

meant to have been merry, and now 'tis my luck to weep water and oatmeal; but I shall see again at