Those Extraordinary Twins...............................................................................................................................1

Mark Twain ..............................................................................................................................................1

PREFACE ................................................................................................................................................1

CHAPTER I. THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE .......................................................................3

CHAPTER II. MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP..........................................................................7

CHAPTER III. ANGELO IS BLUE ......................................................................................................12

CHAPTER IV. SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY .......................................................................14

CHAPTER V. GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT .............................................................18

CHAPTER VI. THE AMAZING DUEL ...............................................................................................28

CHAPTER VII. LUIGI DEFIES GALEN .............................................................................................32

CHAPTER VIII. BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF ........................................................................35

CHAPTER IX. THE DRINKLESS DRUNK........................................................................................37

CHAPTER X. SO THEY HANGED LUIGI .........................................................................................38

A man who is born with the novelwriting gift has a troublesome time of it when he tries to build a novel. I

know this from experience. He has no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some

people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He knows these people, he knows the selected

locality, and he trusts that he can plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he goes

to work. To write a novel? Nothat is a thought which comes later; in the beginning he is only proposing to

tell a little tale; a very little tale; a sixpage tale. But as it is a tale which he is not acquainted with, and can

only find out what it is by listening as it goes along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on

till it spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened to me so many times.

And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into the long tale, the original intention (or

motif) is apt to get abolished and find itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the case of a

magazine sketch which I once started to writea funny and fantastic sketch about a prince and a pauper; it

presently assumed a grave cast of its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out into a book. Much

the same thing happened with "Pudd'nhead Wilson." I had a sufficiently hard time with that tale, because it

changed itself from a farce to a tragedy while I was going along with ita most embarrassing circumstance.

But what was a great deal worse was, that it was not one story, but two stories tangled together; and they

obstructed and interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion and annoyance. I could

not offer the book for publication, for I was afraid it would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what

was the matter with it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories in one. It took me months to make

that discovery. I carried the manuscript back and forth across the Atlantic two or three times, and read it and

studied over it on shipboard; and at last I saw where the difficulty lay. I had no further trouble. I pulled one of

the stories out by the roots, and left the other onea kind of literary Caesarean operation.

Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled out? He has been told many a time

how the bornandtrained novelist works. Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him

Originally the story was called "Those Extraordinary Twins." I meant to make it very short. I had seen a

picture of a youthful Italian "freak" or "freaks" which wasor which wereon exhibition in our citiesa

combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single body and a single pair of legsand I

thought I would write an extravagantly fantastic little story with this freak of nature for heroor heroes a

silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and two boys for the minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these

people and their doings, of course. But the tale kept spreading along, and spreading along, and other people

got to intruding themselves and taking up more and more room with their talk and their affairs. Among them

came a stranger named Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and presently the doings of these

two pushed up into prominence a young fellow named Tom Driscoll, whose proper place was away in the

obscure background. Before the book was half finished those three were taking things almost entirely into

their own hands and working the whole tale as a private venture of their owna tale which they had nothing

When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had become of the team I had originally

started out withAunt Patsy Cooper, Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the lightweight

heroinethey were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time or other. I hunted

about and found them found them stranded, idle, forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It

was awkward all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there was a lovematch on,

between her and one of the twins that constituted the freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and

thrown in a quite dramatic lovequarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her betrothed for getting

drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it had happened, and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him

from her in the usual "forever" way; and now here she sat crying and brokenhearted; for she had found that

he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, but the other half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that

made him drunk; that her half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop in his life, and, although tight

as a brick three days in the week, was wholly innocent of blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly

doing all he could to reform his brother, the other half, who never got any satisfaction out of drinking,

anyway, because liquor never affected him. Yes, here she was, stranded with that deep injustice of hers

I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody could be, but the campaign was over, the

book was finished, she was sidetracked, and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere. I could

not leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading her out so, and making such a todo over her

affairs, it would be absolutely necessary to account to the reader for her. I thought and thought and studied

and studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw plainly that there was really no way but oneI must

simply give her the grand bounce. It grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so much I had come to

kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding she was such an ass and said such stupid irritating things and

was so nauseatingly sentimental. Still it had to be done. So, at the top of Chapter XVII, I put in a "Calendar"

"Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and fell down the well and got drowned."

It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it, because I changed the subject right away

to something else. Anyway it loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way, and

that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding out people that had got stalled, and a

plenty good enough way for those others; so I hunted up the two boys and said "they went out back one night

to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned." Next I searched around and found old Aunt Patsy

Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale where they were aground, and said "they went out back one night to visit the

sick and fell down the well and got drowned." I was going to drown some of the others, but I gave up the

idea, partly because I believed that if I kept that up it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy with

those people, and partly because it was not a large well and would not hold any more anyway.

Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who were become inordinately prominent

and who persisted in remaining so to the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a

great todo for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and fell down the well. There was a radical

The defect turned out to be the one already spoken oftwo stories in one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled

out the farce and left the tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as characters.

Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took

those twins apart and made two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign names now, but

it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I left them christened as they were and made no

The conglomerate twins were brought on the the stage in Chapter I of the original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy

Cooper has received their letter applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with joy, is

"Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it fairly makes me tired to see you. It

"Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen your advertisement, by chance, in a copy

"Yes, seems so to me'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are twentyfour years of age, and

"Twins ! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they are! Don't you hope they are, ma?"

"It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and everybody will want to see them, and

"'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several years in the United States.'"

"Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear them talk?"

"Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those horrible names."

"'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay for two we will not discommode you.

We will sleep together in the same bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it. And then he goes on

"And this is TuesdayI don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! The time does drag along so, and I'm so

"I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think it's a sweet name, ma?"

"Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way to pronounce themthe Eyetalian way,

"Maybeyes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is the reason Angelo didn't write it?"

"Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as it's done?"

"Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do you, ma?"

"Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names are so delicate, and of course that

[And soon and soon, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the boat arrives in a pouring storm

At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to open it. Two negro men entered, each

carrying a trunk, and proceeded upstairs toward the guestroom. Then followed a stupefying apparition a

doubleheaded human creature with four arms, one body, and a single pair of legs! Itor they, as you

pleasebowed with elaborate foreign formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they were

paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a fervent ejaculation"My

lan'!"followed by a crash of crockery, and the slavewench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a tray

of wrecked teathings at her feet. The incident broke the spell, and brought the family to consciousness. The

beautiful heads of the newcomer bowed again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity:

"I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count Luigi Capello," (the other head

bowed) "and myselfCount Angelo; and at the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our

The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she managed to stammer out:

"I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sirI mean, gentlemen. As for the delay, it is nothing, don't

mention it. This is my daughter Rowena, sirgentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down and have a

bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be uncomfortable both of you, I mean."

But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying it would be wrong to keep the family

out of their beds longer; then each head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular

figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore candles, and disappeared up the stairs.

The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, and Rowena followed, tonguetied and

dazed. The two sat silent in the throbbing summer heat unconscious of the millionvoiced music of the

mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of the rain along the windows and the

roof, the white glare of the lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious of

nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and gone so suddenlythat weird strange

thing that was so softspoken and so gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an earthquake with

the shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little shudder quivered along down the widow's meager frame

Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet found her voice. Presently the widow

"Always been used to sleeping togetherinfact, prefer it. And I was thinking it was to accommodate me. I

thought it was very good of them, whereas a person situated as that young man is"

"Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. I'm sure he is goodhearted and means

"I'm not so certain about that. The one on the leftI mean the one on it's lefthasn't near as good a face, in

"Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the darkskinned one; the one that was west of his brother when they stood in the

door. Up to all kinds of mischief and disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had

trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the right is as good as gold, I can see

"Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their names, yet awhile. But it's the

righthand onethe blond one. He has such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion"

"And such a noble face!oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may say! And beautiful deary me, how

beautiful! But both are that; the dark one's as beautiful asa picture. There's no such wonderful faces and

handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such hands, especially Angelo'sso shapely and"

"That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy

squirming of arms in the air seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it just made

"There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, don't it? For a person to have two

arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder.

Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They don't know, themselvesthey just

work whichever arm comes handy. Of course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think

The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter abandoned the struggle. Presently the

"Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its

"Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after sevenI think it was the one on the

leftno, it was the one to the east of the other onebut I didn't hear the other one say any thing. I wonder if

"Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets up, the other's got to."

"Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can get some sleep, but I don't know,

The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of talk as they were getting to bed.

But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a theatrical side to him:

"Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting attention. It's just grand!"

"Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so I can eat for two and only have to

stub toes for one, I ain't going to fool away no such chance just for sentiment."

The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress withoutany preliminary remarks. The

abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came

at last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then the brothers stood up before the

glass, and each took off his own cravat and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up

under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the fashion of the day. The cravats were as

broad as a bankbill, with fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a dragonfly,

and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect

taste, so far as its owner's complexion was concerneda delicate pink, in the case of the blond brother, a

violent scarlet in the case of the brunettebut as a combination they broke all the laws of taste known to

civilization. Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and blaspheming colors could

have been contrived, The wet boots gave no end of troubleto Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo

"My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel according to my own convenience, as I

have remarked more than several times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you please."

Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle reproach in his voice, but, not anger,

"Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I am in command I treat you as a

guest; I try to make you feel at home; when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me

feel unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can, see that people notice it and comment on

"Oh, damn the people," responded the brother languidly, and with the air of one who is tired of the subject.

A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the conversation ceased. Each buttoned

his own share of the nightshirt in silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in one

chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took his Whole Duty of Man, and both began

to read. Angelo presently began to cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for

"Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I could learn not to mind it in time, but this

"Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, and the trouble is already over with

me; if you would try, you could learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your everlasting

"Ah, brother, that is a strong wordeverlasting and isn't quite fair. I only complain when I suffocate; you

"But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have me do a thing which I regard as a

The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and strangling; but after some time he

closed his book and asked Luigi to sing "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" with him, but he would not, and

when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking

After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. Before blowing the light out Luigi

swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants

The family sat in the breakfastroom waiting for the twins to come down. The widow was quiet, the daughter

"Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and highbred and polite, so every way superior to our

gawks here in this village; why, they'll make life different from what it wasso humdrum and

commonplace, you knowoh, you may be sure they're full of accomplishments, and knowledge of the

world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage to society here. Don't you think so, ma?"

"Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet." After a pause she added, "They

"Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains' sung sweeternow did you?"

"If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I don't deny it; but what they wanted to

mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley' for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are not of the

same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slambang secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest

and noisiest there is. I am no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody can make those

"It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They tried it, and to my mind it was a

failure. I never heard such a crazy uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the

catswell, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more ways than one, but I've never seen cats

"Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the nature of cats that any sound that is

"Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets every night, I do hope they will both

sing the same tune at the same time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is a

"But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; and the best way, because they have

had every opportunity to know what is right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would

do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. You can't help but admit that, ma."

The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way around it; so, after thinking it over

awhile she gave in with a sigh of discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably correct.

Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that disadvantage, and was about to seek a change

The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, stepped with courtly carnage into

the trim little breakfastroom and put out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocketknives with a

multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant

and hearty that all embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling of

friendliness and comradeship took its place. Heor preferably they were asked to occupy the seat of

honor at the foot of the table. They consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set of their

"For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a good deal from each other, and our

The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two heads turned in opposite directions

and both talking at once, then saw the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the

other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a faintness that came over her; but after that

Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little jerky, at first, because none of the

family could get smoothly through a sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some

new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. The weather suffered the most. The

weather was all finished up and disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten

sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to feel composed and reconciled in the

presence of so bizarre a miracle. And even after everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one

slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to the wrong head, as often as any other way,

and the wrong mouth devoured it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It bothered the

widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the conversation without knowing it, and fell to

"Now that hand is going to take that coffee to no, it's gone to the other mouth; I can't understand it; and how,

here is the darkcomplected hand with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with itthere, the

The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the first random thing that came into her

mind: "I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe hesha'n't I give you a cup, Mr.

"Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as I would like to. You did see me

take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his."

"I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see, he got the coffee I was expecting to

see you drink, and you got a potato that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake all

"Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other that way. It is a great economy for

us both; it saves time and labor. We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but

ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the sign and Angelo furnishes it to me;

"Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for instance. They are always

overcrowded. There is tableroom for only half of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table

for the second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to eat a satisfying meal, both

divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for

the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just simply worksworks. Thus, you see there

are four hands to feed Angelo, and the same four to feed me. Each of us eats two meals."

The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, "It is perfectly wonderful, perfectly wonderful" and

"Yes," continued Luigi, "our construction may have its disadvantagesin fact, has but it also has its

compensations of one sort and another. Take travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all

countries; we have been obliged to do a vast deal of itcome, Angelo, don't put any more sugar in your tea,

I'm just over one indigestion and don't want another right awaybeen obliged to do a deal of it, as I was

saying. Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one seat; so we save half the fare."

"Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In Europe, beds in the hotels are not

charged with the board, but separatelyanother saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the one bed

only. The landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied the bed we ought"

"No, they didn't," said Angelo. "They did it only twice, and in both cases it was a double beda rare thing in

Europeand the double bed gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't constitute

"Well, that dependsthat depends. I knew a man who fell down a well twice. He said he didn't mind the first

time, but he thought the second time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?"

"To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like you hadn't." She stopped, and was

evidently struggling with the difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is convinced

Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she remarked to herself with

satisfaction that there wasn't any young native of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like

that. Luigi detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and his thanks with his eyes; and so

eloquently withal, that the girl was proud and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks.

"Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, pewrent is on the same basis, but at

"We have much to' be thankful for," said Angelo, impressively, with a reverent light in his eye and a

reminiscent tone in his voice, "we have been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other,

by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is hardy, I am not; he is very masculine,

assertive, aggressive; I am much less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide medicines, and

"Why, goodness gracious," interrupted the widow, "when you are sick, does he take the medicine for you?"

"But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!" cried the widow, with a speaking moisture in her eye.

"A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brotherI wish I had such a son," and she glanced

reproachfully at her boys. "I declare I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand," and she scrambled out of

her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for the twins, blind with her tears, and began to shake.

"Oh, shut up, can't you!" said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. "Give me all your hands, I want to shake

It was a victorious thought, a masterstroke of diplomacy, though that never occurred to her and she cared

nothing for diplomacy. She shook the four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of

"Indeed I owe everything to Luigi," said Angelo, affectionately. "But for him I could not have survived our

boyhood days, when we were friendless and poorah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouthlived on the

coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its

character revolted me and I could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us both."

"Do you hear that?" said the widow, severely, to her boys. "Let it be an example to youI mean you, Joe."

Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: "Et for both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it."

"Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see the point at all. It wasn't good food."

"Shame! Such language ! Can't you understand? They were starving actually starvingand he ate for both,

[Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had to fly from Florence for political

reasons, and died poor in Berlin bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi had to

"That hateful blackbread; but I seldom ate anything during that time; that was poor Luigi's affair"

"I'll never Mister him again!" cried the widow, with strong emotion, "he's Luigi to me, from this out!"

"Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I don't deserve it."

"Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering," said Angelo, plaintively; "now what

have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave me out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor."

"Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In the case of twins, why"

"You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two

"Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got nothing rational to say."

[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand reception in honor of the twins; and at

the close of it the gifted "freak" captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and knocking

out a classic fourhanded piece in great style. Then the judge took itor themdriving in his buggy and

All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the amazing twins. Troops of small boys

flocked after the buggy, excited and yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely

saw three men in a buggya matter of no consequence; but when they found out the facts of the case, they

altered their opinion pretty radically, and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other dogs

got interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see them come leaping fences, tearing around

corners, swarming out of every bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond belief or

praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by prejudice, the common human prejudice against

lack of conformity. If the twins turned their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but stopped at a

safe distance and faced about; and then formed and came on again as soon as the strangers showed them their

back. Negroes and farmers' wives took to the woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly, and

[It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was a Freethinker. The judge was very proud

of his Freethinkers' Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and already had two

membershimself and the obscure and neglected Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he

invited Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it would please himself, and partly

They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. The twins politely expressed their

obligations for the pleasant outing which had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks, and

then said he would now go and arrange for the Freethinkers' meeting, and would call for Count Luigi in the

"For you also, dear sir," he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing. "In addressing myself particularly to

your brother, I was not meaning to leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due

His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, betraying the wound that had been

inflicted. The sting of the slight had gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that

the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified to the kindly judge that all was well

Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected by any but his intimates, was a

lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights;

and although they were almost always imaginary ones, they hurt none the less on that account. By ill fortune

judge Driscoll had happened to touch his sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his brother's presence was

welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was often invited, out of mere courtesy, where only his brother

was wanted, and that in a majority of cases he would not be included in an invitation if he could be left out

without offense. A sensitive nature like this is necessarily subject to moods; moods which traverse the whole

gamut of feeling; moods which know all the climes of emotion, from the sunny heights of joy to the black

abysses of despair. At times, in his seasons of deepest depressions, Angelo almost wished that he and his

brother might become segregated from each other and be separate individuals, like other men. But of course

as soon as his mind cleared and these diseased imaginings passed away, he shuddered at the repulsive

thought, and earnestly prayed that it might visit him no more. To be separate, and as other men are! How

awkward it would seem; how unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms? How would his legs

feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every action, attitude, movement, gesture would be. To sleep by

himself, eat by himself, walk by himselfhow lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no, any fate but that. In

This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been unnatural. He had known no life but a

combined one; he had been familiar with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as being

agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret thoughts, all other men were monsters,

deformities: and during threefourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised to be an

unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take note of female beauty; and little by little,

undefined longings grew up in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion

gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in

his sober moments he had no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny construction

This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been called in the morning before he had

quite slept off the effects of the liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first halfhour had had the

seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth and druggy taste that come of

dissipation and are so ill a preparation for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the

reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the dreary sightseeing, the judge's wearying

explanations and laudations of the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congruous conclusion,

a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been put upon him. He would have been glad to forego

dinner and betake himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he knew his brother,

Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, spirit, energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable

Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but three chairs and four persons that

noon at the home dinnertable the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The widow soon

perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and also that he had a jaded look. Her

motherly solicitude was aroused, and she tried to get him interested in the talk and win him to a happier frame

of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance. Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a

phrase which he was always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his brother an

But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo.

"Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed after dinner, and get a good nap and a

"And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do what you please with! The idea that

"But, you see, there's one prime essentialan essential of the very first importance which isn't my own."

"Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to both of you."

"That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it could be managed that way."

"Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find

that the teetotalers and the antiteetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both parties don't

"And, moreover," said Aunt Betsy, "the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible class use the same room over the

Market house, but you can take my word for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.'

"Very well," said Angelo, "you understand it now. And it stands to reason that the arrangement couldn't be

improved. I'll prove it to you. If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere? I would

start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment the result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?"

"As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never have thought of it."

"We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest trifles. We should lose worlds of

time, for we couldn't go downstairs or up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress,

couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs, without calling a meeting first and

explaining the case and passing resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever donow would it?"

"Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear anything like it, Patsy Cooper?"

"Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't commonplace," said the widow, with the

complacent air of a person with a property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny.

"Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering to know."

"He who made us," said Angelo reverently, "and with us this difficulty, also provided a way out of it. By a

mysterious law of our being, each of us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time,

"Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every Saturday at midnight to the minute, to

the second, to the last shade of a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the one

brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes possession, asleep or awake."

Luigi said: "So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during our stay in many of the great cities of

the world, the public clocks were regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and watches

were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we really furnished the standard time for the

"Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the walls of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't

"And that is not all," said Angelo. "A thing that is even more marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change

takes note of longitude and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this week. Now, if on

Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here,

he would hold possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time and no other."

"Now, I shouldn't go as far as that," said Aunt Patsy, "but if you've a mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am

"I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe Parson Maltby would say the same. Well,

now, there's another thing. Suppose one of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's got

"Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, several times, and so we very seldom ask

or grant the privilege, nowadays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is extremely urgent.

Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who

have the use of their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. It never occurs to them;

it's just their natural ordinary condition, and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday

morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a wave of exultation and

thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your

"No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed again without doing it! Laws, to think I've

had this unspeakable blessing all my long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord that gave it to

The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more to that admired detail, the rigid and

beautiful impartiality with which the possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt

Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related cases. She said:

"In my opinion it ain't right no, and never has been right, the way a twin born a quarter of a minute sooner

than the other one gets all the land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother has to go

Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, and for the past five minutes he had

been peacefully sleeping. The old ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal the

rest his brother wouldn't take him upstairs to get. Luigi listened a moment to Angelo's regular breathing,

"'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has always been kept secret till now."

"But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, how can one of you be older than

"It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for

six months. I could walk six months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead of

him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. I began to talk six months before he could say

a word. Last, and absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months ahead of his.

Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was that accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure.

It was ordained it was law it had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now what does this

overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes just one thing, and that thing it establishes beyond

any peradventure whatever. Friends, we would not have it known for the world, and I must beg you to keep it

The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzedpetrified, one may almost say and could only sit and gaze

vacantly at each other for some moments; then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively:

"There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most amazing thing I ever heard of." She sat

silent a moment or two and breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the strangers

steadfastly a little while, and added: "Well, it does beat me, but I would have took you for twins anywhere."

"So would I, so would I," said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a certainty that is not impaired by any shade

"Anybody wouldanybody in the world, I don't care who he is," said Aunt Betsy with decision.

"Oh, dear, no!" answered both ladies promptly, "you can trust us, don't you be afraid."

"That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we were twins."

"You can depend on us," said Aunt Betsy, "but it won't be easy, because now that I know you ain't you don't

Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: "That swindle has gone through without change of cars."

It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like that, which would be always flying to

their tongues' ends every time they heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder

and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell it, while the torture of retaining it

would increase with every new strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would not

A visitor was announcedsome one to see the twins. They withdrew to the parlor, and the two old ladies

began to discuss with interest the strange things which they had been listening to. When they had finished the

matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped to ask a question:

"Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers tolerable seldom."

"In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't be very certain of him, I reckon."

"First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the house, and sister to the one and aunt to t'other,

of course she ought to know. She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets when he's

around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him go again. He has been gone three weeks this

"Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twentythree is old, in one way. A young man ought to be earning

his living by that time. If Tom were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap better

satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he can't seem to find just the opening he

"Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his property wasn't the way to set him to

earning a fortune of his own. But what do you think is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or ain't

Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but nature was too strong for her. She drew

"Don't you breathe a syllable to a soulI'm going to tell you something. In my opinion Tom Driscoll's

"It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast and seen for yourself."

Then there were handshakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on, and the old ladies parted,

perfectly happythe one in knowing something which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having

The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, pastor of the Baptist church. At the

reception Angelo had told him he had lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was now

desirous of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr. Hotchkiss's church. There was no time to

say more, and the brief talk ended at that point. The minister was much gratified, and had dropped in for a

moment now, to invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight that evening. Angelo accepted, and was

expecting Luigi to decline, but he did not, because he knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers met in

the same room, and he wanted to treat his brother to the embarrassment of being caught in freethinking

[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was

always seeking truth, and this obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which wearied

Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new enlistmentwhich placed him in the false

position of seeming to indorse and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's

prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was his week to command the legs he

gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for he took him to circuses and horseraces and fandangoes, exposing

him to all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever he drank went to Angelo's head

instead of his own and made him act disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the Free

thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the Bible class and looked upon him coldly,

finding him in such company. Then they went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson

follows, which tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the kicking of Tom by Luigi at

the antitemperance massmeeting of the Sons of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's

adventures as a chambermaid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had been flippantly and

Next morning all the town was abuzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson had a law case! The, public

astonishment was so great and the public curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his

court, the place was packed with people and even the windows were full. Everybody was, flushed and

Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the twins. Robert Allen was retained by

Driscoll, David Wilson by the defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his backbreaking and

bonebruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty the previous night, laughed his little

"I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way. Sooner than I was expecting, too."

"Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you deserve it I'll take you under my protection and

"We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not one where any doubt of the fact of the

assault can enter in. These gentlementhe accusedkicked my client at the Market Hall last night; they

kicked him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even unprecedented violence, I may say;

insomuch that he was lifted entirely off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove

this by four hundred witnesseswe shall call but three. Mr. Harkness will take the stand."

Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the occasion mentioned; that he was close at

hand and saw the defendants in this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the

"Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, "you say you saw these gentlemen, my clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you

sureand please remember that you are on oathare you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him,

A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He hesitated, stammered, but got out

nothing. His eyes wandered to the twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze.

"Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is a very simple question."

"Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they both kicked him, for they have but the

"Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to possess knowledge which can be of the

utmost value just at this moment knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a

"Go on with your case!" said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, and got a warning from the court.

"Now, Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, insinuatingly, "we shall have to insist upon an answer to that question."

The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of great embarrassment.

Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the plaintiff off the platform.

"Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the plaintiff. Do I understand you to

"Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, for they were called a pair of scissors.

"Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts counsel will attend to the arguments. Go on."

"Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty last night?"

"Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, like a man."

"Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. He wouldn't drink it. He set it down." A

slight pause, then he added, casually and quite simply: "The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it."

There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out himself, his reprimand was not very

Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: "I protest against these foolish irrelevancies. What have they to do with

Wilson said: "Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, Mr. Wakeman, if one of these

gentlemen chooses to join an association and the other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the

other doesn't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected" (titter from the audience), "it seems to show that they

have independent minds, and tastes, and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a thing at the

very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. Doesn't it seem so to you?"

"Now, then, it might beI only say it might bethat one of these brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last

night, and that the other didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that public way and

"Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond one would kick anybody. It was the other

"Silence!" shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry sentence which was lost in the wave of

The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. Mr. Wilson took the witness.

"Well, II'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that one of them did half of the kick and the

Somebody in the crowd sung out: "It's the first sane thing that any of them has said."

"Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon, but as thinking and reckoning

are not evidence, I will now give you a chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other,

and shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and repeat the phenomenal kick of last

A Voice: "No, stand in front!" (Laughter. Silenced by the court.) Another Voice: "No, give Tommy another

"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the other, and I give you my word that at least

one of the two shall be delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance from his brother.

Watch sharply, for you have of to render a decision without any if's and ands it." Rogers bent himself behind

the twins with palms just above his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at a baseball match, and

For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless interest fastened upon him. Then he

"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a mutual one. You will now state

"I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could tell t'other from which, sir."

"That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the court, your honor, very well; but as far

as I am concerned I am ready to let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury without

Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that short time had not had many cases to

try, of course. He had no knowledge of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into

office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by

them with Roman simplicity and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw that his

intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial, and that he usually made up in good sense what

he lacked in technique, so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage of justice here,

"Wait a moment, gentlemen," he said, "it is plain that an assault has been committed it is plain to anybody;

but the way things are going, the guilty will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now"

"But, your honor!" said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but respectfully, "you are deciding the case

"Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there is a reasonable doubt for them to

take hold ofwhich there isn't, so far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. The

attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. Are they both to escape justice on that

account? Not in this court, if I can prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the charge against

them as a corporation; each should have been charged in his capacity as an individual, and"

"But, your honor!" said Wilson, "in fairness to my clients I must insist that inasmuch as the prosecution 'd not

"No wrong will be done your clients, sirthey will be protected; also the public and the offended laws. Mr.

Allen, you will amend your pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time."

Wilson broke in: "But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! To imperil an accused person by arbitrarily

altering and widening the charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as originally

The judge said with dignity: "I am not acquainted with the customs of other courts, and am not concerned to

know what they are. I am responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my judgment to be

warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to conform to the caprices of other courts, be they"

"This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on any plan but its own. It has a plan of

its own; and that plan is, to find justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to be practice and

custom in Europe or anywhere else." (Great applause.) "Silence! It has not been the custom of this court to

imitate other courts; it has not been the custom of this court to take shelter behind the decisions of other

courts, and we will not begin now. We will do the best we can by the light that God has given us, and while

this 'court continues to have His approval, it will remain indifferent to what other organizations may think of

it." (Applause.) "Gentlemen, I must have order!quiet yourselves! Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against

Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his client and with one or two other

"Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are able to act independently in many

ways, but that this independence does not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested

exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then passing to the other brother for a like

term, and so on, by regular alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had revealed

to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also made known which of them was in possession of

the legs yesterdayand this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault belongs but as this

would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations not having been made under oath"

"Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall see. It may at least help to put us on

"Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for.

Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening the Count Angelo Capello had

protested against going to the hall, and had called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and

would not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had replied sharply that he would go, just

the same, and that he, Count Luigi, would see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's complaining

about being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted with apparent surprise, "Your legs!I like your

"Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing," observed the judge, with grave and earnest satisfaction. "It

looks as if the Count Luigi was in possession of the battery at the time of the assault."

Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. Mr. Wilson took the witness.

"Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and there was no hurry, I judge it took us

"Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you happen to look at your watch at that

"I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as a witness, and it's a good point to have."

"It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, between the conversation at my house and

"If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at nine, and passed into the possession of

the other one during the next thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the change?"

Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came smiling and bowing through the

narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience

breaking into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did not check this kindly

The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then gave the judge a friendly nod, and

bustled into the seats provided for them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at the

friends around them: "What is this thing for?" "What is that thing for?" "Who is that young man that's writing

at the desk? Why, I declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick." "Which is the jury? Why, is that the jury?

Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, andwell, I never!" "Now who would ever 'a' thought"

But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk in court. Their tongues fell silent, but

the radiant interest in their faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation and a novel

experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen

explained the point in issue, and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon it as

she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if considering where to begin, then she said:

"Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, and then they are Angelo's, and he can do

"You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper," said the judge. "You shouldn't state that as a fact, because

"Hear it? I should think so," said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the court. "Why, Judge, I was there and heard

"Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not until I've"

The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old

"Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this week, but"

"Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor there. I know, without that, that at dinner

yesterday, Angelo was as tired as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go upstairs and take a

"Let me seeit seems to me, somehow, thatthatAunt Betsy, do you remember whether he"

"Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers she is not a witness; we only want to know what you

"Well, it does seem to, me that you are most cantankerously particular about a little thing, Sim Robinson.

"Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?" said Aunt Betsy. "Why, with a person pecking

She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, while the court squelched the mirth

"Madam, do you knowdo you absolutely know, independently of anything these gentlemen have told

youthat the power over their legs passes from the one to the other regularly every week?"

"Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness of it! All the big cities in Europe

"Don't you talk to me like that, Sim RobinsonI won't have it. How do I know, indeed! How do you know

what you know? Because somebody told you. You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these

twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at

them when they haven't been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besidesboth of them. All"

But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once and with all their might; but as

the house was weltering in a storm of laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron

paperweight, one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was restored, the court said:

"Thrown out!" said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; "and what's it thrown out for, I'd like to know."

"And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these poor persecuted strangers, it is our

It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into their seats at last. The trial was soon

ended now. The twins themselves became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon

oath, that the legpower passed from one to the other every Saturday night at twelve o'clock sharp. But or

crossexamination their counsel would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was.

The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but even the prosecution took fright

and came to the rescue then, and helped stay the sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to

the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were out an hour and brought in this verdict:

"We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; 2, that it was committed by one of the

persons accused, he having been seen to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is so

merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was him. We cannot convict both, for only

one is guilty. We cannot acquit both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been defeated by

This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. The old ladies made a spring at the

twins, to shake and congratulate, but were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into

The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silverbowed spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his

"In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head in shame in this court until this day.

You little realize what far reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law. Imitation

is the bane of courtsI thank God that this one is free from the contamination of that viceand in no long

time you will see the fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate socalled guardians of justice in all the

wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this

iniquity. I would have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed me where I had most

right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which

protects the criminal from testifying against himself. Yet I had precedents of my own whereby I had set aside

that law on two different occasions and thus succeeded in convicting criminals to whose crimes there were no

witnesses but themselves. What have you accomplished this day? Do you realize it? You have set adrift,

unadmonished, in this community, two men endowed with an awful and mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly

power for evil a power by which each in his turn may commit crime after crime of the most heinous

character, and no man be able to tell which is the guilty or which the innocent party in any case of them all.

"Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury of yourourcountrymen have

been obliged to deliver a verdict concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its

injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. Depart in peace, and come no more! The

costs devolve upon the outraged plaintiffanother iniquity. The court stands dissolved."

Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel with congratulations; but

presently the two old aunties dug the duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing

crowd, while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavernward to feast him and "wet down" his

great and victorious entry into the legal arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this

strange new incense of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown from the fields of paradise. A

The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further end of the vacant ground, near the

"I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to whom you have kindly granted the

privilege of fighting my principal's battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble lest

"It is another testimony," said Howard, approvingly. "That young man is fine all through. He wishes to save

his brother the sorrow of fighting on the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and does

Wilson said: "There is also another reasona consideration, in fact, which deeply concerns Count Luigi

himself. These twins have command of their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at

midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, andwell, you can foresee what will happen.

"Why! sure enough!" cried the judge, "we have heard something about that extraordinary law of their being,

alreadynothing very definite, it is true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite

enough as regards tonight. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. Omit all the ceremonial possible,

The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed the judge sixty feet from the

haunted house and facing it; Wilson placed the twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the judge

necessarily. The pistolcase was opened and the long slim tubes taken out; when the moonlight glinted from

them a shiver went through Angelo. The doctor was a fool, but a thoroughly wellmeaning one, with a kind

heart and a sincere disposition to oblige, but along with it an absence of tact which often hurt its

effectiveness. He brought his box of lint and bandages, and asked Angelo to feel and see how soft and

comfortable they were. Angelo's head fell over against Luigi's in a faint, and precious time was lost in

bringing him to; which provoked Luigi into expressing his mind to the doctor with a good deal of vigor and

frankness. After Angelo came to he was still so weak that Luigi was obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy to

The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the combatants, one of them on each side of

the line of fire. Wilson was to count, very deliberately, " Onetwothreefire!stop !" and the duelists

could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, but not after the last word. Angelo grew very

nervous when he saw Wilson's hand rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his head

"What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with you?you're in no

"Bang!" Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly to the judge's feet in the moonlight. The

judge did not swerve; he still stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistolarm hanging straight

Up came the pistolarm instantlyAngelo dodged with the report. He said "Ouch!" and fainted again.

It was of no consequence, he saidbullet through fleshy part of armno bones broken the gentleman was

Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and caused him to cut a chip off of

Howard's ear. The judge took his time again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned.

The doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said he was content with the

satisfaction he had got, and if the judgebut Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of

"And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a part in this thing for a person who

has got nothing to do with it. You should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without

official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you do not even exist. To all intents and

purposes you are absent from this place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it cannot

become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort of public and indecent prominence in a matter

in which he is not in the slightest degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are not for you, they

are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it myself. I never saw a person act so."

Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did try to reform, but it was of no use;

both pistols went off at the same instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek

from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went wide and chipped flake of skin from

By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, and begged for one exchange of

shots, insisting that he had had no fair chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was

opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's part, and added that indeed he himself

might fairly be considered entitled to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side was in no

way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless work, the gentleman with whom he was fighting

this duel was to blame for it, since if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, his proxy would

"Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a brave and chivalrous gentleman, and

"I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll," said Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to

his place. Then he added to Angelo, "Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land him sure!"

The men stood erect, their pistolarms at their sides, the two seconds stood at their official posts, the doctor

stood five paces in Wilson's rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness, the

peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive picture and the impending fatal possibilities

augmented this impressiveness solemnity. Wilson's hand began to riseslowlystill higherstill

"Boom!" the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance; Angelo was off like a deer!

"Oh, you unspeakable traitor!" wailed his brother, as they went soaring over the fence.

The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that strange spectacle until distance dissolved

it and swept it from their view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream,

"Well, I've never seen anything like that before!" said the judge. "Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I

wasn't quite able to believe in that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a putup convenience

between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought I saw the whole schemethought it was

pretext No. 2, and would be followed by others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would get off with

all the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have to fight, after all. But I was mistaken. His pluck

"There isn't any doubt about that," said Howard, and added, in a grieved tone, "but what an unworthy sort of

Christian that Angelo isI hope and believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel

on the SabbathI could not approve of that myself; but to finish one that has been begunthat is a duty, let

"It is a curious ,circumstance,"remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a moment to paste so more courtplaster

on his chin, which had gone to leaking blood again, "that in this duel neither of the parties who handled the

pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in the mere capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard

"Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time.

In the case of Angelo it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, though not

officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, and yet I knew no way to mend the matter.

"There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being readjusted now by the doctor; "the code

fixes our place, and it would not have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or behind

you, or in front of you, itbut it would not have been legitimate and the other parties would have had a just

right to complain of our trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are certainly not

Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little place here for so much solemnity, but

he judged that if a duel where nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders had

nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out that feature would probably not help them to

He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge accepted, but the doctor said he would have

[It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received into the Baptist communion by

When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights going and everybody up and

dressed and in a great state of solicitude and excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the

sittingroom, Aunt Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her commands, the

two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and always getting in it, in order to see and wonder,

Rowena stood apart, helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in unappeasable fury

As has been reported before, the doctor was a foola kindhearted and wellmeaning one, but with no tact;

and as he was by long odds the most learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could

talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he had an audience, he was sometimes

He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious

and so pressing that he allowed his caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with

"Without going too much into detail, madamfor you would probably not understand it, anywayI

concede that great care is going to be necessary here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to

ensue, and this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris superioris, which must

decompose the granular surfaces of the great infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the

posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated sorosis of the valvular tissues, and

ending unavoidably in the dispersion and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation

A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of despair invaded her face, she was not able

to speak; poor Rowena wrung her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness of her

young grief, "There is no hopeit is plain there is no hope"; the goodhearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to

chocolate, then to orange, then to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, "Po'

thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat"; small Henry choked up, and turned his head away to hide his

rising tears, and his brother Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted, that's sure."

Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor:

"Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give him a barrel of pillsI'll take them

"Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being admired and wondered at; "you'll find that

there's more about them that's wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of His

creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged her complacent head like one who could

"You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I want help. Are you looking for

The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would write a prescription; which he did. It

was one of Galen's; in fact, it was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand years.

Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it would remove everything, from warts all the way

through to lungs and it generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in Missouri; his

practice was the only practice known to the Missouri doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition

By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his labors aloud, carefully and deliberately,

for this battery must be constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; for he wrote a

doctor's hand the hand which from the beginning of time has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so

"Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half: of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus,

each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium,

gum tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel, hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise,

each one dram; of xylaloes, rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax,

anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and white hermodactyls, roses, thyme,

acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop'sweed,

bayberries, long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley seeds, lovage, the

seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta

byzantina, the bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of wheat; of sapphire, emerald

and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus

odoratus, each the quantity of twentynine grains of wheat; of honey or sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil

"There," he said, "that will fix the patient; give his brother a dipperful every threequarters of an hour"

"and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and windows closed tight. Keep Count

Angelo nicely covered up with six or seven blankets, and when he is thirstywhich will be

frequentlymoisten a 'rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When he is

hungrywhich will also be frequently he must not be humored oftener than every seven or eight hours; then

"That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but what am I to eat?"

"I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor answered, "you may, of course, eat what

"Oh, certainlyat present. When the violent and continuous perspiring has reduced your strength, I shall

have to reduce your diet, of course, and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile." He

turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with, and tended with the greatest care, and

"For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that," said Luigi, "it postpones the funeralI'm not to be drowned today,

"I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them

after three, but cannot be confined to the house during that intermediate hour."

"Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to be baptised in the river at that

A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth in a tone of joyous fervency:

"He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he consider me?" A thought swept through

his mind that made him shudder. "If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, and

"Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger," said Luigi, irritably; "they wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that;

there's a glass case all ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with."

Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had

the dear privilege of protecting and defending him with my weak voice!but alas! this sweet boon is denied

"Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, "and shut up the windows and doors, and light their candles,

and see that you drive all the mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and carry up

"and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck, and some gum shoes for his ears,"

Luigi interrupted, with temper; and added, to himself, "Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know

"Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body would think you didn't care for your

"I don'tto that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now.

"You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go on like that. Why, I never heard the

beat of it. Now, therethere! you've said enough. Not another word out of youI won't have it!"

"But, Aunt Patsy, Iwhy, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat in that pail of sewage which this

"Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell you, like a dear," and she tapped his

cheek affectionately with her finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up the

things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she

couldn't make Luigi take the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you got any more

"No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along by early candlelight, anyway. Meantime,

"Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward, but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell

the others about this; it will raise him a good deal in their estimationand the public will follow their lead,

Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in the moral field as she was of

The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and gratefully, "We're all honky, after all; and

By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, and there were but two opinions

about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the field was most praiseworthy and Angela's flight most scandalous; the

other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was as fine and creditable as was Luigi's

in holding the field in the face of the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one was

maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and it made two parties, an Angela party and

a Luigi party. The twins had suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed with

a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way to Sundayschool, their elders talked it all

the way to church, the choir discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious thought in the

By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, in spite of his wound and all

warnings and supplications, was resolute in his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This

swept the town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the Angelo faction, who said, "If any

doubted that it was moral courage that took him from the field, what have they to say now!"

Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward, toward all points of the compass; so,

whereas before only the farmers and their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable baptism,

a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes admitted to the privileges of the

occasion. All the farms for ten miles around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions

of wagons, horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people vastly exceeded any that had

ever been seen in that sleepy region before. The only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time

long gone by, but never forgotten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride, when two circuses and a

Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of that occasion was extinguished now for good. It was but a

The great invasion massed itself on the riverbank and waited hungrily for the immense event. Waited, and

wondered if it would really happen, or if the twin who was not a "professor" would stand out and prevent it.

But they were not to be disappointed. Angela was as good as his word. He came attended by an escort of

honor composed of several hundred of the best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was

finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on their shoulders, but that people

Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the strangely mated pair of incidents that

had distinguished and exalted the past twentyfour hours above any other twentyfour in the history of their

town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the lights were out and burghers asleep it had

been decided on all hands that in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great

At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed him, it had merely made him

wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he

had got only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every threequarters of an hourand

Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with

"Nono, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag that way, eitheryou'll wake up your

"'Shh! Don't make a noise, dear. You mustn't: forget that your poor brother is sick and"

"'Shhh! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it don't keep me holding the dipper all

night. I declare if you haven't left a good fourth of it in the bottom! Comethat's a good

"Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, indeed. Do let me rest a littlejust a

"Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want the roof to fall on you?"

"Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion tolet that blanket alone; do you want your, brother to catch

"Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody could stand ityou couldn't yourself."

"Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the water with my clothes on. And it takes

"Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize him dry. I should think you would be

"Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as anything to getting drowned you saw that

yourself; and do you call this inconvenience?the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the

mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for sleep and no chance to get anyon

"There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this truck for you, dear."

During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but then the doctor was summoned

South to attend his mother's funeral, and they got well in fortyeight hours. They appeared on the street on

Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the newborn parties, the Luigi and Angelo factions. The

Luigi faction carried its strength into the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination

with the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city government, and the Whigs

put up Angelo against him. The Democrats nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in

this glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists against such a formidable opponent.

No politician had scored such a compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley.

The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm fashion, and waned hotter every week.

Luigi's whole heart was in it, and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interestwhich was natural,

because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no consequence to him; but he was

representing something immensely finer and greaterto wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the

whole reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of every clique that had a pet

reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was president of the great Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and

But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around troubles for the twins, and through them

for all the parties and segments and factions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he carried

Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that

could damage him with his party and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi diligently

to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing his best to regain the ground he had lost before. As a

result of these double performances, there was a storm blowing all the time, an ever rising storm, tooa

storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and rage over their extravagant, incomprehensible conduct.

Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of the canvass. He led his brother a fearful

But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers'

Union that day, and Angelo was to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration afterward.

Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whiskywhich steadied his nerves and clarified his mind, but made

Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over,

and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions to extra temperance virtues, was

dignified and sober. This eloquent fact could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the

massmeeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was so discommodedby hiccoughs

and thickness of tongue that he had to give it up; then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against

Luigi's and he went to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to improve his opportunity with an

appeal for a moderation of what he called "the prevailing teetotal madness," but persons in the audience

began to howl and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in wrath and chased him home.

This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his chances with Rowena. Those chances

had been growing, right along, for two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted

time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so the moment he was sober enough to

"That is nothing to the point," she said, coldly, "you get drunk, and that is worse."

[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended as reported in a previous note.]

Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed it, for the frantic and variegated

nightmare which had tormented it all through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at

the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was in too subdued a condition to want to

go out and mingle with an irritated community that had come to disgust and detest him because there was

such a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent, and his methods of illustrating

them, which were distinctly damnable. The new city officers were sworn in on the following Mondayat

least all but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was conceded, but he could not sit in

the board of aldermen without his brother, and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member.

There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter into the courts, so this was resolved

The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time arrived. In the mean time the city

government had been at a standstill, because with out Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas

with him the liquor interestthe richest in the political fieldwould have one majority. But the court

decided that Angelo could not sit in the board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the

same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and legally chosen alderman. The case was

carried up and up from court to court, yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every time. As a

result, the city government not only stood still, with its hands tied, but everything it was created to protect

and care for went a steady gait toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the minor officials

had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There being no city money, the enormous legal expenses on

both sides had to be defrayed by private subscription. But at last the people came to their senses, and said:

"Pudd'nhead was right at the startwe ought to have hired the official half of that human phillipene to

resign; but it's too late now; some of us haven't got anything left to hire him with."

Many shouted: "That's the ticket." But others said: "NoCount Angelo is innocent; we mustn't hang him."

As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but to exhibit that monstrous "freak" in

all sorts of grotesque lights. But when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something to

do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated the invention of a reason for it; this, in turn,

resulted in making the children prominent personagesnothing could prevent it of course. Their career

began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought in to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead

Wilson was introduced and taken on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the new people and

in their interest, and the original show was become sidetracked and forgotten; the twinmonster, and the

heroine, and the lads, and the old ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were merely in the way.

Their story was one story, the new people's story was another story, and there was no connection between

them, no interdependence, no kinship. It is not practicable or rational to try to tell two stories at the same

The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other kind do it.