Mudfog and Other Sketches..............................................................................................................................1

Charles Dickens.......................................................................................................................................1

PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG ...........................................1

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 1

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 3

THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE ...............................................................................................................36

SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION..............................................................................40

MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS' ......................42

Mudfog is a pleasant town a remarkably pleasant town situated in a charming hollow by the side of a

river, from which river, Mudfog derives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope yarn, a roving

population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken bargemen, and a great many other maritime

advantages. There is a good deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for a

wateringplace, either. Water is a perverse sort of element at the best of times, and in Mudfog it is

particularly so. In winter, it comes oozing down the streets and tumbling over the fields, nay, rushes into

the very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodigality that might well be dispensed with; but in

the hot summer weather it WILL dry up, and turn green: and, although green is a very good colour in its way,

especially in grass, still it certainly is not becoming to water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of

Mudfog is rather impaired, even by this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy place very healthy;

damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It's quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome: plants

thrive best in damp situations, and why shouldn't men? The inhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous in asserting

that there exists not a finer race of people on the face of the earth; here we have an indisputable and veracious

contradiction of the vulgar error at once. So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, we distinctly state that it is

The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse and Ratcliff Highway are both something like it,

but they give you a very faint idea of Mudfog. There are a great many more public houses in Mudfog

more than in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse put together. The public buildings, too, are very imposing. We

consider the townhall one of the finest specimens of shed architecture, extant: it is a combination of the

pigsty and tea gardenbox orders; and the simplicity of its design is of surpassing beauty. The idea of

placing a large window on one side of the door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy. There is a

fine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and scraper, which is strictly in keeping with the general effect.

In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together in solemn council for the public

weal. Seated on the massive wooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the only furniture of

the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of Mudfog spend hour after hour in grave deliberation. Here they

settle at what hour of the night the publichouses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they shall be

permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people to eat their dinner on church days, and other great

political questions; and sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant lights from the

shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like faroff stars, to the sight of the boatmen on the river, the

illumination in the two unequalsized windows of the townhall, warns the inhabitants of Mudfog that its

little body of legislators, like a larger and betterknown body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and

not a whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into the night, for their country's

Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently distinguished, during many years, for the

quiet modesty of his appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the wellknown coaldealer.

However exciting the subject of discussion, however animated the tone of the debate, or however warm the

personalities exchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always

the same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an industrious man, and always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep

when a debate began, and to remain asleep till it was over, when he would wake up very much refreshed, and

give his vote with the greatest complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble, knowing that everybody

there had made up his mind beforehand, considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at all;

and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on this point at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not

Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills his pockets with gold. As he gradually

performed one good office for Nicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. Nicholas

began life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with a capital of two and ninepence, and a stock in trade

of three bushels and ahalf of coals, exclusive of the large lump which hung, by way of signboard, outside.

Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and the truck too, and started a donkey and

a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved again and set up a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a

waggon; and so he went on like his great predecessor Whittington only without a cat for a partner

increasing in wealth and fame, until at last he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble

and family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something which he attempted to delude

himself into the belief was a hill, about a quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog.

About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty;

that prosperity and success had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the natural goodness of

his heart; in short, that he was setting up for a public character, and a great gentleman, and affected to look

down upon his old companions with compassion and contempt. Whether these reports were at the time

wellfounded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble very shortly afterwards started a fourwheel chaise,

driven by a tall postilion in a yellow cap, that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and calling the

footman a 'feller,' and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was no more seen in his old seat in the

chimneycorner of the Lighterman's Arms at night. This looked bad; but, more than this, it began to be

observed that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation meetings more frequently than heretofore;

and he no longer went to sleep as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelids open with his two

forefingers; that he read the newspapers by himself at home; and that he was in the habit of indulging abroad

in distant and mysterious allusions to 'masses of people,' and 'the property of the country,' and 'productive

power,' and 'the monied interest:' all of which denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or

At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble and family went up to London; the

middle of October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of the

Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health preserving air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was

a most extraordinary circumstance; he had lived in Mudfog for eightyfive years. The corporation didn't

understand it at all; indeed it was with great difficulty that one old gentleman, who was a great stickler for

forms, was dissuaded from proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountable conduct. Strange as it was,

however, die he did, without taking the slightest notice of the corporation; and the corporation were

imperatively called upon to elect his successor. So, they met for the purpose; and being very full of Nicholas

Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very important man, they elected him, and wrote off to

London by the very next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation.

Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in the capital, it fell out that he was present

at the Lord Mayor's show and dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, was

greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection would force itself on his mind, that, had he been born in London

instead of in Mudfog, he might have been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronized the judges, and been

affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, and coldly condescending to the Secretary to

the Treasury, and have dined with a flag behind his back, and done a great many other acts and deeds which

unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. The more he thought of the Lord Mayor, the more

enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King was all very well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor!

When the King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else's writing; whereas here was the Lord

Mayor, talking away for half an hourall out of his own head amidst the enthusiastic applause of the whole

company, while it was notorious that the King might talk to his parliament till he was black in the face

without getting so much as a single cheer. As all these reflections passed through the mind of Mr. Nicholas

Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face of the earth,

beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving the Great Mogul immeasurably behind.

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and inwardly cursing the fate which had pitched

his coalshed in Mudfog, when the letter of the corporation was put into his hand. A crimson flush mantled

over his face as he read it, for visions of brightness were already dancing before his imagination.

'My dear,' said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, 'they have elected me, Mayor of Mudfog.'

'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,' said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for he by no means approved of the

notion of unceremoniously designating a gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as 'Old Sniggs,'

The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only ejaculated 'Loramussy!' once again, as

if a Mayor were a mere ordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily.

'What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it?' said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a short pause; 'what a pity 'tan't in London,

'I MIGHT have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend,' said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously.

'One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there,' said Mr. Tulrumble.

So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should be astonished with splendour, and slaughtered

with envy, and that such a show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or in any other town

On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the tall postilion in a postchaise, not upon

one of the horses, but inside actually inside the chaise, and, driving up to the very door of the townhall,

where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by

Nicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas said, all through four sides of closelywritten, giltedged,

hotpressed, Bath post letter paper, that he responded to the call of his fellowtownsmen with feelings of

heartfelt delight; that he accepted the arduous office which their confidence had imposed upon him; that they

would never find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he would endeavour to execute his

functions with all that dignity which their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more to the

same effect. But even this was not all. The tall postilion produced from his righthand topboot, a damp copy

of that afternoon's number of the county paper; and there, in large type, running the whole length of the very

first column, was a long address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said that

he cheerfully complied with their requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the matter, told

them over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very much the same terms as those in which he had

The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and then looked as if for explanation to the tall

tall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the top of his yellow cap, and could have afforded

no explanation whatever, even if his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they contented themselves with

coughing very dubiously, and looking very grave. The tall postilion then delivered another letter, in which

Nicholas Tulrumble informed the corporation, that he intended repairing to the townhall, in grand state and

gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next ensuing. At this the corporation looked still more

solemn; but, as the epistle wound up with a formal invitation to the whole body to dine with the Mayor on

that day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun of the thing directly, and sent back

Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does happen to be, in almost every town in

the British dominions, and perhaps in foreign dominions too we think it very likely, but, being no great

traveller, cannot distinctly say there happened to be, in Mudfog, a merrytempered, pleasantfaced,

goodfornothing sort of vagabond, with an invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerable

attachment to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and nobody, except his wife, took the trouble to

quarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors the appellation of Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the

SOBRIQUET of Bottlenosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally

fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin

intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready

head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it. He was by no means opposed to hard labour

on principle, for he would work away at a cricketmatch by the day together, running, and catching, and

batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galleyslave. He would have been

invaluable to a fireoffice; never was a man with such a natural taste for pumping engines, running up

ladders, and throwing furniture out of twopairofstairs' windows: nor was this the only element in which

he was at home; he was a humane society in himself, a portable drag, an animated lifepreserver, and had

saved more people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life boat, or Captain Manby's apparatus.

With all these qualifications, notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottlenosed Ned was a general favourite; and

the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerous services to the population, allowed him in return to get

drunk in his own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He had a general licence, and he

We have been thus particular in describing the character and avocations of Bottlenosed Ned, because it

enables us to introduce a fact politely, without hauling it into the reader's presence with indecent haste by the

head and shoulders, and brings us very naturally to relate, that on the very same evening on which Mr.

Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's new secretary, just imported from

London, with a pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of his neckclothtie, in

at the taproom door of the Lighterman's Arms, and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating

within, announced himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr.

Twigger's immediate attendance at the hall, on private and particular business. It being by no means Mr.

Twigger's interest to affront the Mayor, he rose from the fireplace with a slight sigh, and followed the

lightwhiskered secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog Hall, without further

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a skylight, which he called his library, sketching

out a plan of the procession on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary ushered Ned Twigger.

There was a time when Twigger would have replied, 'Well, Nick!' but that was in the days of the truck, and a

'Hush, hush, Twigger!' said the Mayor. 'Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. Look here, Twigger.'

As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed a complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic

'Bless your heart and soul, sir!' replied Ned, 'you might as well ask me to wear a seventyfour pounder, or a

'I couldn't stand under it, sir,' said Twigger; 'it would make mashed potatoes of me, if I attempted it.'

'Pooh, pooh, Twigger!' returned the Mayor. 'I tell you I have seen it done with my own eyes, in London, and

'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an eightday clock to save his linen,' said

'You do it by degrees,' said the Mayor. 'You would begin with one piece tomorrow, and two the next day,

and so on, till you had got it all on. Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Just try the breastplate,

Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!

Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of staggering, he managed to keep himself up,

under the breastplate, and even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk about in it, and the

gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trial of the helmet, but was not equally successful, inasmuch as he

tipped over instantly, an accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated to be occasioned by his not

'Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,' said Tulrumble, 'and I'll make your fortune.'

'And you must be sober,' said Tulrumble; 'perfectly sober.' Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to

be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we been Nicholas, we should

certainly have exacted some promise of a more specific nature; inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog

assizes in the evening more than once, we can solemnly testify to having seen judges with very strong

The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned Twigger was securely locked up in the small

cavern with the sky light, hard at work at the armour. With every additional piece he could manage to stand

upright in, he had an additional glass of rum; and at last, after many partial suffocations, he contrived to get

on the whole suit, and to stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy from Westminster

Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's

wife. Here was a sight for the common people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! Why, they would go

If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been better adapted to the purpose. They never

showed a better fog in London on Lord Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that eventful

occasion. It had risen slowly and surely from the green and stagnant water with the first light of morning,

until it reached a little above the lamppost tops; and there it had stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy,

which bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very bloodshot about the eyes, as if he had been at a

drinkingparty overnight, and was doing his day's work with the worst possible grace. The thick damp mist

hung over the town like a huge gauze curtain. All was dim and dismal. The church steeples had bidden a

temporary adieu to the world below; and every object of lesser importance houses, barns, hedges, trees, and

The churchclock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the front garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble

flourish, as if some asthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew open, and out came a

gentleman, on a moistsugar coloured charger, intended to represent a herald, but bearing a much stronger

resemblance to a courtcard on horseback. This was one of the Circus people, who always came down to

Mudfog at that time of the year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for the

occasion. There was the horse, whisking his tail about, balancing himself on his hindlegs, and flourishing

away with his forefeet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and souls of any reasonable crowd.

But a Mudfog crowd never was a reasonable one, and in all probability never will be. Instead of scattering the

very fog with their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have done, and were fully intended to do, by

Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized the herald, than they began to growl forth the most

unqualified disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding like any other man. If he had come out on his head

indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying through a redhot drum, or even standing on one leg with his

other foot in his mouth, they might have had something to say to him; but for a professional gentleman to sit

astride in the saddle, with his feet in the stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a decided

failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he pranced ingloriously away.

On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many supernumeraries there were, in striped shirts and

black velvet caps, to imitate the London watermen, or how many base imitations of runningfootmen, or how

many banners, which, owing to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could by no means be prevailed on to

display their inscriptions: still less do we feel disposed to relate how the men who played the wind

instruments, looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked through pools of water

and hillocks of mud, till they covered the powdered heads of the runningfootmen aforesaid with splashes,

that looked curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrelorgan performer put on the wrong stop, and

played one tune while the band played another; or how the horses, being used to the arena, and not to the

streets, would stand still and dance, instead of going on and prancing; all of which are matters which might

be dilated upon to great advantage, but which we have not the least intention of dilating upon,

Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and

charge of Nicholas Tulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, and to watch the

attempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the

fourwheel chaise, with the tall postilion, rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings on one side to look like a

chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an old lifeguardsman's sabre, to imitate the sword bearer;

and to see the tears rolling down the faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. This was beautiful!

and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they bowed with grave dignity out of their

coachwindow to all the dirty faces that were laughing around them: but it is not even with this that we have

to do, but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast of the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon,

a profound silence ensued, and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident anticipation of

'See how eager they look,' said Nicholas Tulrumble. 'Aha! the laugh will be on our side now; eh, Mr.

'No doubt of that, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement,

stood up in the fourwheel chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress behind.

While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the

purpose of indulging the servants with a private view of the curiosity that was to burst upon the town; and,

somehow or other, the footman was so companionable, and the housemaid so kind, and the cook so friendly,

that he could not resist the offer of the firstmentioned to sit down and take something just to drink success

So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of the kitchentable; and in a mug of

something strong, paid for by the unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the companionable

footman, drank success to the Mayor and his procession; and, as Ned laid by his helmet to imbibe the

something strong, the companionable footman put it on his own head, to the immeasurable and unrecordable

delight of the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious to Ned, and Ned was

very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. They were all very cosy and comfortable; and the something

At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession people: and, having had his helmet fixed on, in

a very complicated manner, by the companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and the friendly cook,

The crowd roared it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise; it was most decidedly and

'What!' said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the fourwheel chaise. 'Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real

brass armour, they'd laugh when their own fathers were dying. Why doesn't he go into his place, Mr.

'Afraid of what, sir?' said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into the secretary's face.

Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that was bearing down upon them; and then,

clasping his secretary by the arm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit.

It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to demand a single glass of rum on the putting on

of every piece of the armour, got, by some means or other, rather out of his calculation in the hurry and

confusion of preparation, and drank about four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to mention the something

strong which went on the top of it. Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and

thus prevented the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough to know; but, whatever the cause

was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also found himself in a

very considerable state of intoxication; and hence his extraordinary style of progressing. This was bad

enough, but, as if fate and fortune had conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been

penitent for a good calendar month, took it into his head to be most especially and particularly sentimental,

just when his repentance could have been most conveniently dispensed with. Immense tears were rolling

down his cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief by applying to his eyes a blue cotton

pockethandkerchief with white spots, an article not strictly in keeping with a suit of armour some three

'Twigger, you villain!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting his dignity, 'go back.'

The bystanders of course received this declaration with acclamations of 'That's right, Ned; don't!'

'I don't intend it,' said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very tipsy man. 'I'm very unhappy. I'm the wretched

father of an unfortunate family; but I am very faithful, sir. I'll never leave you.' Having reiterated this obliging

promise, Ned proceeded in broken words to harangue the crowd upon the number of years he had lived in

Mudfog, the excessive respectability of his character, and other topics of the like nature.

'Here! will anybody lead him away?' said Nicholas: 'if they'll call on me afterwards, I'll reward them well.'

Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, when the secretary interposed.

'Take care! take care!' said Mr. Jennings. 'I beg your pardon, sir; but they'd better not go too near him,

At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of

'I'm very sorry for it, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; 'but nobody can get that armour off, without his own

Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner that might have touched a heart of stone;

'Dear me, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas, turning pale at the possibility of Ned's being smothered in his antique

'Nothing at all,' replied Ned, 'nothing at all. Gentlemen, I'm an unhappy wretch. I'm a body, gentlemen, in a

brass coffin.' At this poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that the people began to get

sympathetic, and to ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by putting a man into such a machine as that; and

one individual in a hairy waistcoat like the top of a trunk, who had previously expressed his opinion that if

Ned hadn't been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn't have dared do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the

fourwheel chaise, or Nicholas's head, or both, which last compound proposition the crowd seemed to

It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, when Ned Twigger's wife made her

appearance abruptly in the little circle before noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her face and

form, than from the mere force of habit he set off towards his home just as fast as his legs could carry him;

and that was not very quick in the present instance either, for, however ready they might have been to carry

HIM, they couldn't get on very well under the brass armour. So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce

Nicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express her opinion that he was a decided monster; and to intimate that, if

her illused husband sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she would have the law of

Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had said all this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned,

who was dragging himself along as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness in most dismal tones.

What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he got home at last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the

armour, first in one place, and then in another, but she couldn't manage it; so she tumbled Ned into bed,

helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such a creaking as the bedstead made, under Ned's weight in his new suit!

It didn't break down though; and there Ned lay, like the anonymous vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till next day,

drinking barleywater, and looking miserable: and every time he groaned, his good lady said it served him

Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to the townhall, amid the hisses and

groans of all the spectators, who had suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a martyr.

Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in acknowledgment of which ceremony he delivered

himself of a speech, composed by the secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise

of the people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas Tulrumble himself. After which, the

procession got back to Mudfog Hall any how it could; and Nicholas and the corporation sat down to dinner.

But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They were such dull sleepy old fellows, that

corporation. Nicholas made quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he said the

very same things that the Lord Mayor of London had said, and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him.

There was only one man in the party who was thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, and called him Nick.

Nick! What would be the consequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call the Lord Mayor of

London 'Nick!' He should like to know what the swordbearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the

But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings. If they had been, he might have remained a

Mayor to this day, and have talked till he lost his voice. He contracted a relish for statistics, and got

philosophical; and the statistics and the philosophy together, led him into an act which increased his

At the very end of the Mudfog Highstreet, and abutting on the riverside, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an

oldfashioned lowroofed, baywindowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and taproom all in one, and a large

fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which the working men have congregated time out of mind on a

winter's night, refreshed by draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and

tambourine: the Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor and corporation, to scrape the fiddle

and thumb the tambourine from time, whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary.

Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary reports, or had made the

secretary read them to him, which is the same thing in effect, and he at once perceived that this fiddle and

tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any other operating causes that ingenuity could

imagine. So he read up for the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with a burst, the very

The licensing day came, and the redfaced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen walked into the townhall, looking

as jolly as need be, having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night, to commemorate the anniversary of

the Jolly Boatmen's music licence. It was applied for in due form, and was just about to be granted as a matter

of course, when up rose Nicholas Tulrumble, and drowned the astonished corporation in a torrent of

eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon the increasing depravity of his native town of Mudfog, and

the excesses committed by its population. Then, he related how shocked he had been, to see barrels of beer

sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; and how he had sat at a window opposite

the Jolly Boatmen for two days together, to count the people who went in for beer between the hours of

twelve and one o'clock alone which, bythebye, was the time at which the great majority of the Mudfog

people dined. Then, he went on to state, how the number of people who came out with beerjugs, averaged

twentyone in five minutes, which, being multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fiftytwo people with

beerjugs in an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the number of hours during which the house was open

daily) yielded three thousand seven hundred and eighty people with beerjugs per day, or twentysix

thousand four hundred and sixty people with beerjugs, per week. Then he proceeded to show that a

tambourine and moral degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious propensities wholly

inseparable. All these arguments he strengthened and demonstrated by frequent references to a large book

with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesex magistrates; and in the end, the corporation,

who were posed with the figures, and sleepy with the speech, and sadly in want of dinner into the bargain,

yielded the palm to Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen.

But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carried on the war against beerjugs and fiddles,

forgetting the time when he was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, till the people hated,

and his old friends shunned him. He grew tired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart

yearned towards the Lighterman's Arms. He wished he had never set up as a public man, and sighed for the

At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of grace, paid the secretary a quarter's wages

in advance, and packed him off to London by the next coach. Having taken this step, he put his hat on his

head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked down to the old room at the Lighterman's Arms. There were

only two of the old fellows there, and they looked coldly on Nicholas as he proffered his hand.

'Neither,' replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them both, whether they would or not. 'I've come

down to say that I'm very sorry for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you'll give me up the old

The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old fellows opened the door, to whom Nicholas,

with tears in his eyes, thrust out his hand too, and told the same story. They raised a shout of joy, that made

the bells in the ancient churchtower vibrate again, and wheeling the old chair into the warm corner, thrust

old Nicholas down into it, and ordered in the very largest sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited

The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next night, old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led

off a dance to the music of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed mightily improved by a little

rest, for they never had played so merrily before. Ned Twigger was in the very height of his glory, and he

danced hornpipes, and balanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole company, including

the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the brilliancy of his acquirements.

Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything but magnificent, so he went up to London

and drew bills on his father; and when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, and came home

As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of public life, never tried it any more. He

went to sleep in the townhall at the very next meeting; and, in full proof of his sincerity, has requested us to

write this faithful narrative. We wish it could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles of another sphere,

that puffedup conceit is not dignity, and that snarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to enjoy,

because they would rather forget the times when they were of lower station, renders them objects of contempt

This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from this particular source. Perhaps, at some

We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to place before our readers a complete and

accurate account of the proceedings at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, holden in the town

of Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay the result before them, in the shape of various communications

received from our able, talented, and graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, who has

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 11

immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one and the same time. We have been, indeed,

for some days unable to determine who will transmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent our

correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of the matter; or the association, who gave

our correspondent something to write about. We rather incline to the opinion that we are the greatest man of

the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive and authentic report originated with us; this may be

prejudice: it may arise from a prepossession on our part in our own favour. Be it so. We have no doubt that

every gentleman concerned in this mighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a greater or less

degree; and it is a consolation to us to know that we have at least this feeling in common with the great

scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose speculations we record.

We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which they reached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them

into one beautiful whole, would only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, and rich vein of

'We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is spoken of, but the approaching meeting of the

association. The inndoors are thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals; and the

numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of private houses, intimating that there are beds to let

within, give the streets a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being of a great variety of

colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions being relieved by every possible size and style of

handwriting. It is confidently rumoured that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds

and a sittingroom at the Pig and Tinderbox. I give you the rumour as it has reached me; but I cannot, as

yet, vouch for its accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to obtain any certain information upon this

I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord of the Pig and Tinderbox. He speaks

confidently of the probability of Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at his house

during the sitting of the association, but denies that the beds have been yet engaged; in which representation

he is confirmed by the chambermaid a girl of artless manners, and interesting appearance. The boots denies

that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will put up here; but I have reason to believe

that this man has been suborned by the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the opposition hotel. Amidst

such conflicting testimony it is difficult to arrive at the real truth; but you may depend upon receiving

authentic information upon this point the moment the fact is ascertained. The excitement still continues. A

boy fell through the window of the pastrycook's shop at the corner of the Highstreet about half an hour ago,

which has occasioned much confusion. The general impression is, that it was an accident. Pray heaven it may

'At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struck seven o'clock; the effect of which, in the

present lively state of the town, was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, a yellow gig, drawn by a

dark grey horse, with a patch of white over his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the

Original Pig stables; it is currently reported that this gentleman has arrived here for the purpose of attending

the association, and, from what I have heard, I consider it extremely probable, although nothing decisive is

yet known regarding him. You may conceive the anxiety with which we are all looking forward to the arrival

'Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has yet been committed, owing to the

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admirable discipline and discretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel organ is playing

opposite my window, and groups of people, offering fish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets. With

'It is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will NOT repair to the Pig

and Tinderbox, but have actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This intelligence is EXCLUSIVE;

and I leave you and your readers to draw their own inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all people

in the world, should repair to the Original Pig in preference to the Pig and Tinderbox, it is not easy to

conceive. The professor is a man who should be above all such petty feelings. Some people here openly

impute treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to Professors Snore and Doze; while others, again, are

disposed to acquit them of any culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests solely with

Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the latter opinion; and although it gives me great pain to speak in

terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of such transcendent genius and acquirements, still I am bound

to say that, if my suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports which have reached my ears be true, I

'Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived this afternoon by the four o'clock stage. His

complexion is a dark purple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He looked extremely well, and

appeared in high health and spirits. Mr. Woodensconce also came down in the same conveyance. The

distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his arrival, and I am informed by the guard that he had been so

the whole way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what gigantic visions must

those be that flit through the brain of such a man when his body is in a state of torpidity!

'The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told (I know not how truly) that two postchaises have

arrived at the Original Pig within the last halfhour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, containing three

carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the Pig and Tinderbox no longer ago than five minutes since.

The people are still quietly pursuing their ordinary occupations; but there is a wildness in their eyes, and an

unwonted rigidity in the muscles of their countenances, which shows to the observant spectator that their

expectations are strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless some very extraordinary arrivals take place

tonight, that consequences may arise from this popular ferment, which every man of sense and feeling

'I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window last night has died of the fright. He

was suddenly called upon to pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, it seems, was

not strong enough to bear up against the shock. The inquest, it is said, will be held tomorrow.'

'Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door; they at once ordered dinner with great

condescension. We are all very much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the ease with which

they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary life. Immediately on their arrival they sent for

the head waiter, and privately requested him to purchase a live dog, as cheap a one as he could meet with,

and to send him up after dinner, with a pieboard, a knife and fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured that

some experiments will be tried upon the dog to night; if any particulars should transpire, I will forward them

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'The animal has been procured. He is a pugdog, of rather intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with

very short legs. He has been tied to a curtainpeg in a dark room, and is howling dreadfully.'

'The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which would appear almost the result of reason, the

sagacious animal seized the waiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and made a

desperate, though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able to procure admission to the apartment occupied

by the scientific gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached my ears when I stood upon the

landingplace outside the door, just now, I should be disposed to say that the dog had retreated growling

beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping the professors at bay. This conjecture is confirmed by the

testimony of the ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures me that he distinctly saw Professor

Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was crouched

beneath an armchair, obstinately declined to smell. You cannot imagine the feverish state of irritation we are

in, lest the interests of science should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a brute creature, who is not endowed

with sufficient sense to foresee the incalculable benefits which the whole human race may derive from so

'The dog's tail and ears have been sent downstairs to be washed; from which circumstance we infer that the

animal is no more. His forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which strengthens the

'My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in the course of the last hour and a half, that I have

scarcely strength to detail the rapid succession of events which have quite bewildered all those who are

cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that the pugdog mentioned in my last was surreptitiously obtained,

stolen, in fact, by some person attached to the stable department, from an unmarried lady resident in this

town. Frantic on discovering the loss of her favourite, the lady rushed distractedly into the street, calling in

the most heartrending and pathetic manner upon the passengers to restore her, her Augustus, for so the

deceased was named, in affectionate remembrance of a former lover of his mistress, to whom he bore a

striking personal resemblance, which renders the circumstances additionally affecting. I am not yet in a

condition to inform you what circumstance induced the bereaved lady to direct her steps to the hotel which

had witnessed the last struggles of her PROTEGE. I can only state that she arrived there, at the very instant

when his detached members were passing through the passage on a small tray. Her shrieks still reverberate in

my ears! I grieve to say that the expressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched and lacerated by

the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besides sustaining several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of

hair from the same cause. It must be some consolation to these gentlemen to know that their ardent

attachment to scientific pursuits has alone occasioned these unpleasant consequences; for which the sympathy

of a grateful country will sufficiently reward them. The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and Tinderbox,

'I need scarcely tell you that this unlookedfor catastrophe has cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of

our exhilaration; natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable qualities of the deceased

animal, who appears to have been much and deservedly respected by the whole of his acquaintance.'

'I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you that the boy who fell through the

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 14

pastrycook's window is not dead, as was universally believed, but alive and well. The report appears to have

had its origin in his mysterious disappearance. He was found half an hour since on the premises of a

sweetstuff maker, where a raffle had been announced for a secondhand seal skin cap and a tambourine;

and where a sufficient number of members not having been obtained at first he had patiently waited until

the list was completed. This fortunate discovery has in some degree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is

'Everybody is nervously anxious to see what tomorrow will bring forth. If any one should arrive in the

course of the night, I have left strict directions to be called immediately. I should have sat up, indeed, but the

'No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. It is very strange!'

'All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length enabled to set the minds of your readers at rest.

The three professors arrived at ten minutes after two o'clock, and, instead of taking up their quarters at the

Original Pig, as it was universally understood in the course of yesterday that they would assuredly have done,

drove straight to the Pig and Tinderbox, where they threw off the mask at once, and openly announced their

intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile this very extraordinary conduct with HIS notions of

fair and equitable dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious how he presumes too far

upon his wellearned reputation. How such a man as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary,

such an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be mixed up with such proceedings as

these, you will naturally inquire. Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear to give

'The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bed and refused. Several gentlemen were under

the necessity last night of sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, for which they were taken

before the magistrates in a body this morning, and committed to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of

these persons I understand to be a highlyrespectable tinker, of great practical skill, who had forwarded a

paper to the President of Section D. Mechanical Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms

and safetyvalues, of which report speaks highly. The incarceration of this gentleman is greatly to be

'The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings are being secured on almost any terms. I have

heard of fifteen shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but I can scarcely believe

it. The excitement is dreadful. I was informed this morning that the civil authorities, apprehensive of some

outbreak of popular feeling, had commanded a recruiting sergeant and two corporals to be under arms; and

that, with the view of not irritating the people unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested to

take up their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about a quarter of a mile from the town. The

'Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, in a state of inebriety, has declared in the open

street her intention to "do" for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled by that gentleman, relative to the

consumption of raw spirituous liquors in this place, are supposed to be the cause of the wretch's animosity. It

is added that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had assembled on the spot; and

that one man had the boldness to designate Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of

"Stickinthemud!" It is earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has arrived for their

interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the exercise of that power which is vested in them by the

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 15

'The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely quelled, and the ringleader taken into

custody. She had a pail of cold water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses great

contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever of anticipation about tomorrow; but, now that we are within

a few hours of the meeting of the association, and at last enjoy the proud consciousness of having its

illustrious members amongst us, I trust and hope everything may go off peaceably. I shall send you a full

'I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since I folded it up.'

'The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observe anything particular in the aspect of the glorious

planet, except that he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of my heightened fancy) to shine with

more than common brilliancy, and to shed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such as I had never observed

before. This is the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and the atmosphere peculiarly fine.

At halfpast nine o'clock the general committee assembled, with the last year's president in the chair. The

report of the council was read; and one passage, which stated that the council had corresponded with no less

than three thousand five hundred and seventyone persons, (all of whom paid their own postage,) on no

fewer than seven thousand two hundred and fortythree topics, was received with a degree of enthusiasm

which no efforts could suppress. The various committees and sections having been appointed, and the more

formal business transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced at eleven o'clock precisely. I

'The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The sun streamed through the windows of the

apartments, and tinted the whole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief the noble visages of

the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, some with bald heads, some with red heads, some with brown

heads, some with grey heads, some with black heads, some with block heads, presented a COUP D'OEIL

which no eyewitness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen were papers and inkstands; and round

the room, on elevated benches extending as far as the forms could reach, were assembled a brilliant

concourse of those lovely and elegant women for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be without a rival

in the whole world. The contrast between their fair faces and the dark coats and trousers of the scientific

'Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by the falling down of the greater part of the

platforms, to subside, the president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication entitled, "Some

remarks on the industrious fleas, with considerations on the importance of establishing infantschools among

that numerous class of society; of directing their industry to useful and practical ends; and of applying the

surplus fruits thereof, towards providing for them a comfortable and respectable maintenance in their old

'The author stated, that, having long turned his attention to the moral and social condition of these interesting

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 16

animals, he had been induced to visit an exhibition in Regentstreet, London, commonly known by the

designation of "The Industrious Fleas." He had there seen many fleas, occupied certainly in various pursuits

and avocations, but occupied, he was bound to add, in a manner which no man of wellregulated mind could

fail to regard with sorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the level of a beast of burden, was drawing about a

miniature gig, containing a particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington; while another was

staggering beneath the weight of a golden model of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought

up as mountebanks and balletdancers, were performing a figuredance (he regretted to observe, that, of the

fleas so employed, several were females); others were in training, in a small cardboard box, for pedestrians,

mere sporting characters and two were actually engaged in the coldblooded and barbarous occupation of

duelling; a pursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror and disgust. He suggested that measures should

be immediately taken to employ the labour of these fleas as part and parcel of the productive power of the

country, which might easily be done by the establishment among them of infant schools and houses of

industry, in which a system of virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should be observed, and

moral precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed that every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or

dancing, or any species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should be considered a vagabond, and

treated accordingly; in which respect he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He would

further suggest that their labour should be placed under the control and regulation of the state, who should set

apart from the profits, a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows and orphans.

With this view, he proposed that liberal premiums should be offered for the three best designs for a general

almshouse; from which as insect architecture was well known to be in a very advanced and perfect state

we might possibly derive many valuable hints for the improvement of our metropolitan universities, national

'THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman proposed to open a communication

with fleas generally, in the first instance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the

advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their mode of life, and applying themselves to honest

'THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, or rather that there was no difficulty at all

in the case. Obviously the course to be pursued, if Her Majesty's government could be prevailed upon to take

up the plan, would be, to secure at a remunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded as presiding

over the exhibition in Regentstreet at the period of his visit. That gentleman would at once be able to put

himself in communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them in pursuance of some general plan

of education, to be sanctioned by Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them were

'The President and several members of the section highly complimented the author of the paper last read, on

his most ingenious and important treatise. It was determined that the subject should be recommended to the

'MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise umbrella, which had been raised by

no other artificial means than the simple application of highly carbonated sodawater as manure. He

explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a new and delicious species of nourishment for

the poor, a parachute, in principle something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once

obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards. He added that he was perfectly willing to make a descent

from a height of not less than three miles and a quarter; and had in fact already proposed the same to the

proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest manner at once consented to his wishes, and

appointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; merely stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower

should be previously broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the descent.

'THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the GRAND GALA in store for them, and warmly eulogised

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 17

the proprietors of the establishment alluded to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of human

'A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the royal property would be illuminated

'MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but he believed it was proposed, over and

above the ordinary illuminations, to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a half of additional lamps.

'MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and valuable paper "on the last moments

of the learned pig," which produced a very strong impression on the assembly, the account being compiled

from the personal recollections of his favourite attendant. The account stated in the most emphatic terms that

the animal's name was not Toby, but Solomon; and distinctly proved that he could have no near relatives in

the profession, as many designing persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his father, mother, brothers and

sisters, had all fallen victims to the butcher at different times. An uncle of his indeed, had with very great

labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a very infirm state at the time, being afflicted

with measles, and shortly afterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason to conjecture that he had

been converted into sausages. The disorder of the learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, being

aggravated by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and terminated in a general decay

of the constitution. A melancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of his approaching

dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying a numerous and fashionable company with his performances, in

which no falling off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on the biographer, and, turning to the watch

which lay on the floor, and on which he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately passed his snout

twice round the dial. In precisely fourand twenty hours from that time he had ceased to exist!

'PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, the animal had expressed, by signs or

'MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack of cards at the conclusion of the

performance, the animal grunted several times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he was

accustomed to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was understood that he wished the attendant to keep

the cards, which he had ever since done. He had not expressed any wish relative to his watch, which had

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section had ever seen or conversed with the

pigfaced lady, who was reported to have worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a

'After some hesitation a Member replied that the pigfaced lady was his motherinlaw, and that he trusted

'THE PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pigfaced lady a public character. Would the

honourable member object to state, with a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any way

'The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question appeared to involve a suspicion that the

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 18

DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case which had occurred within his

own practice, strikingly illustrative of the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment of a

virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the patient on the 1st of April, 1837. He was then labouring

under symptoms peculiarly alarming to any medical man. His frame was stout and muscular, his step firm

and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his appetite good, his pulse full and round. He was in

the constant habit of eating three meals PER DIEM, and of drinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass

of spirituous liquors diluted with water, in the course of the fourandtwenty hours. He laughed constantly,

and in so hearty a manner that it was terrible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet, and

bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same

course of treatment for only one week, accompanied with small doses of watergruel, weak broth, and

barleywater, led to their entire disappearance. In the course of a month he was sufficiently recovered to be

carried downstairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a close carriage, supported by soft pillows. At

the present moment he was restored so far as to walk about, with the slight assistance of a crutch and a boy. It

would perhaps be gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little, drank little, slept little, and was never

'DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon the triumphant cure he had effected, begged

'DR. W. R. FEE. And you found that he bled freely during the whole course of the disorder?

'DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to be bled with great readiness and

perseverance, so extraordinary a cure could never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen

'MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the interior of a gentleman who in early life

had inadvertently swallowed a doorkey. It was a curious fact that a medical student of dissipated habits,

being present at the POST MORTEM examination, found means to escape unobserved from the room, with

that portion of the coats of the stomach upon which an exact model of the instrument was distinctly

impressed, with which he hastened to a locksmith of doubtful character, who made a new key from the

pattern so shown to him. With this key the medical student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, and

committed a burglary to a large amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key after the lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell

replied that the gentleman was always much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had

'DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that the key must have lain very cold and

'MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first. It was worthy of remark, perhaps, that for some years the

gentleman was troubled with a nightmare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself a

'PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing proof of the wonderful efficacy of the

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 19

system of infinitesimal doses, which the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory that the

very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through the human frame, would be productive

of precisely the same result as a very large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a

grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a fivegrain calomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout

the whole range of medicine. He had tried the experiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been

brought into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the incredibly

short space of three months. This man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed three drops of

rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man to drink the whole. What was the result? Before he had

drunk a quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication; and five other men were made dead drunk with the

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of sodawater would have recovered

them? Professor Muff replied that the twentyfifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to each

patient, would have sobered him immediately. The President remarked that this was a most important

discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately.

'A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to administer say, the twentieth part of a

grain of bread and cheese to all grownup paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with the same satisfying

'PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation on the perfect adequacy of such a

quantity of food to the support of human life in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a grain of

'PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a very extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A

private watchman, being merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide street, was at once

observed to be in a very drowsy and languid state. He was followed to his box, and being once slightly

rubbed on the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without intermission for ten

'MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations he had made with great difficulty and labour,

regarding the state of infant education among the middle classes of London. He found that, within a circle of

three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the following were the names and numbers of children's books

'Jack the Giantkiller 7,943 Ditto and Beanstalk 8,621 Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2,845 Ditto and Jill 1,998

'He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls was as four and a half to one; and that

the preponderance of Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and an eighth of the

former to half a one of the latter; a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple Simons gave the same

result. The ignorance that prevailed, was lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would rather be

Saint George of England or a respectable tallowchandler, instantly replied, "Taint George of Ingling."

Another, a little boy of eight years old, was found to be firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of

dragons, and openly stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rush forth sword in hand for the

deliverance of captive princesses, and the promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among the number

interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park, some inquiring whether he was at all connected with the black

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 20

man that swept the crossing; and others whether he was in any way related to the Regent's Park. They had not

the slightest conception of the commonest principles of mathematics, and considered Sindbad the Sailor the

'A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might

perhaps be exempted from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the very outset of the

tale, were depicted as going UP a hill to fetch a pail of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation,

'MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was more than counterbalanced by another in a

subsequent part of the poem, in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was

'THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellent distinction he had drawn. Several

other Members, too, dwelt upon the immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with

nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very forcibly remarked, had made them (the

'MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting the dogs'meat barrows of London. He found

that the total number of small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and dogs of the

metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred and fortythree. The average number of skewers delivered daily

with the provender, by each dogs'meat cart or barrow, was thirtysix. Now, multiplying the number of

skewers so delivered by the number of barrows, a total of sixtytwo thousand seven hundred and forty eight

skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of these sixtytwo thousand seven hundred and fortyeight

skewers, the odd two thousand seven hundred and fortyeight were accidentally devoured with the meat, by

the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous

number of twentyone millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted in the kennels and

dustholes of London; which, if collected and warehoused, would in ten years' time afford a mass of timber

more than sufficient for the construction of a firstrate vessel of war for the use of her Majesty's navy, to be

called "The Royal Skewer," and to become under that name the terror of all the enemies of this island.

'MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from which it appeared that the total number of

legs belonging to the manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty

thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, which, upon

the very favourable average of three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this

calculation it would appear, not taking wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing two legs to every

person, that ten thousand individuals (onehalf of the whole population) were either destitute of any rest for

their legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time in sitting upon boxes.

'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portable railway, neatly mounted in a green

case, for the waistcoat pocket. By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or publicoffice

clerk could transport himself from his place of residence to his place of business, at the easy rate of sixtyfive

miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage.

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 21

'THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to have a level surface on which the

'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run in trains, being handcuffed together

to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning at eight, nine, and ten

o'clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City

gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to have a level, but he had provided for this

difficulty by proposing that the best line that the circumstances would admit of, should be taken through the

sewers which undermine the streets of the metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes

which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and commodious arcade, especially in

wintertime, when the inconvenient custom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly

dispensed with. In reply to another question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the purposes

to which these arcades were at present devoted had yet occurred to him, but that he hoped no fanciful

objection on this head would be allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking.

'MR. JOBBA produced a forcingmachine on a novel plan, for bringing jointstock railway shares

prematurely to a premium. The instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weatherglass, of most dazzling

appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being

always pulled by the directors of the company to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver was so

ingeniously placed, that when the acting directors held shares in their pockets, figures denoting very small

expenses and very large returns appeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted with these

pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased itself to an immense extent, while the

statements of certain profits became reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the machine had

been in constant requisition for some months past, and he had never once known it to fail.

'A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and pretty. He wished to know whether it was

not liable to accidental derangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly liable to be

'PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a model of a safety fireescape, which

could be fixed at any time, in less than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most infirm

persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames until it was quite ready) could be preserved if they

merely balanced themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroom window, and got into the escape

without falling into the street. The Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescued in the

daytime by this machine from houses which were not on fire, was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had

occurred in the whole of London for many months past to which the escape had not been carried on the very

'THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty in ascertaining which was the top of the

'PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expected to act quite as well when there was a

fire, as when there was not a fire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equal service whether the

With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and faithful Report, which will never cease to

reflect credit upon him for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising spirit. It is needless to

take a review of the subjects which have been discussed; of the mode in which they have been examined; of

the great truths which they have elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave them to read, to

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 22

The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and has at length been decided, regard being

had to, and evidence being taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the hospitality of

its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. We hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again be

present, and that we may be once more the means of placing his communications before the world. Until that

period we have been prevailed upon to allow this number of our Miscellany to be retailed to the public, or

We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and that Mudfog is once again restored to its

accustomed tranquillity, that Professors and Members have had balls, and SOIREES, and suppers, and

great mutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed to their several homes, whither all good

In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, at an enormous expense, and by dint of

exertions unnpralleled in the history of periodical publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association for

the Advancement of Everything, which in that month held its first great halfyearly meeting, to the wonder

and delight of the whole empire. We announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most remarkable

Report, that when the Second Meeting of the Society should take place, we should be found again at our post,

renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and once more making the world ring with the accuracy,

authenticity, immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our account of its proceedings. In

redemption of this pledge, we caused to be despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second

meeting of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same superhumanlyendowed gentleman who

furnished the former report, and who, gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished by us with

a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself, has forwarded a series of letters, which, for faithfulness of

description, power of language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression, and importance of

subjectmatter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or country. We give this gentleman's

'When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred

and eightyfive, I experienced sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense of the importance of the

task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I was leaving London, and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a

feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time rendered me

even insensible to the presence of my carpetbag and hatbox. I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a

Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet,

awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly indescribable. But of such materials is our

'I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of

all that happens in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, and so are the crew; and

the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. I should

'You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the discovery that my berth is in the same closet

with those engaged by Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor Woodensconce

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 23

has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two shelves opposite. Their luggage has

already arrived. On Mr. Slug's bed is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully closed at both

ends. What can this contain? Some powerful instrument of a new construction, doubtless.'

'Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way except several joints of beef and mutton,

from which I conclude that a good plain dinner has been provided for tomorrow. There is a singular smell

below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the steward says it is always there, and never goes

away, I am quite comfortable again. I learn from this man that the different sections will be distributed at the

Black Boy and Stomachache, and the Bootjack and Countenance. If this intelligence be true (and I have no

reason to doubt it), your readers will draw such conclusions as their different opinions may suggest.

'I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts come to my knowledge, in order that my first

impressions may lose nothing of their original vividness. I shall despatch them in small packets as

'Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it is a travelling carriage.'

The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses full have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is

bustle and activity. The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the cabins, and the steward is

placing blue plates full of knobs of cheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables. He drops a great

many knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again with great dexterity, and, after wiping them on his

sleeve, throws them back into the plates. He is a young man of exceedingly prepossessing appearance

'An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus, has just quarrelled violently with the

porters, and is staggering towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and hope that he may reach

it in safety; but the board he has to cross is narrow and slippery. Was that a splash? Gracious powers!

'I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old

gentleman is nowhere to be seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but promises to

drag for him the first thing tomorrow morning. May his humane efforts prove successful!

'Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold

brandy and water, with a hard biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. What can this mean?

'The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already alluded have come on board, and have all tried

their beds, with the exception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top ones, and can't get

into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top one, is unable to get out of his, and is to have his supper handed

up by a boy. I have had the honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have amicably arranged

the order in which we shall retire to rest; which it is necessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin is

very comfortable, there is not room for more than one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 24

'As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the passengers' supper, and are now in course of

consumption. Your readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has abstained from cheese

for eight years, although he takes butter in considerable quantities. Professor Grime having lost several teeth,

is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without previously soaking them in his bottled porter. How interesting

'Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour that delights us all, have just arranged

to toss for a bottle of mulled port. There has been some discussion whether the payment should be decided by

the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually the latter course has been determined on. Deeply do I wish

that both gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, I own that my personal aspirations (I speak as an

individual, and do not compromise either you or your readers by this expression of feeling) are with Professor

'Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his halfcrown out of one of the cabinwindows, and it has been

arranged that the steward shall toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, but there are no

'Professor Woodensconce has just called "woman;" but the coin having lodged in a beam, is a long time

coming down again. The interest and suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that can be

'The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor Grime has won. Tossing is a game of

chance; but on every ground, whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, or scientific

attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that Professor Woodensconce OUGHT to have come off

victorious. There is an exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true greatness.'

'Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in no very measured terms, observing that he

always does win, and that he knew it would be a "head" beforehand, with many other remarks of a similar

nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every feeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know

the superiority of Professor Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? or does he wish to be reminded in

plain language of his true position in society, and the precise level of his acquirements and abilities?

'I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble light of a flickering lamp suspended from

the ceiling; Professor Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with his mouth wide

open. The scene is indescribably solemn. The rippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors' feet overhead, the

gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking of

every plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. With these exceptions, all is profound silence.

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 25

'My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime,

has cautiously withdrawn the curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if to satisfy himself

that his companions are asleep, has taken up the tin tube of which I have before spoken, and is regarding it

with great interest. What rare mechanical combination can be contained in that mysterious case? It is

'The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He has unscrewed the top of the tube, and now

renews his observations upon his companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly unobserved. He is

clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of

'He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some substance, not unlike parchment in

appearance, from the tin case. The experiment is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to the utmost, in the

'I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster,

recommended as I discover on regarding the label attentively through my eyeglass as a preservative

against seasickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up into small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every

'Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and the machinery was suddenly put in motion with a

noise so appalling, that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means of a platform of

carpetbags arranged by himself on geometrical principals) darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining

his feet with all the rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into the ladies' cabin, under the impression that we

were sinking, and uttering loud cries for aid. I am assured that the scene which ensued baffles all description.

There were one hundred and forty seven ladies in their respective berths at the time.

'Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme ingenuity of the steamengine as applied to

purposes of navigation, that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth may be situated, the machinery

always appears to be exactly under his pillow. He intends stating this very beautiful, though simple

'We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth water as a steamvessel ever can be, for, as

Professor Woodensconce (who has just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity about a

steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it. You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking

pulsation of the ship becomes. It is a matter of positive difficulty to get to sleep.'

'I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's plaster has proved of no avail. He is in great agony, but has applied

several large, additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme devotion to science and

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 26

'We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of the most animated description. Nothing

unpleasant occurred until noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey's brown silk umbrella and white hat

becoming entangled in the machinery while he was explaining to a knot of ladies the construction of the

steam engine. I fear the gravy soup for lunch was injudicious. We lost a great many passengers almost

'I am again in bed. Anything so heartrending as Mr. Slug's sufferings it has never yet been my lot to

'A messenger has just come down for a clean pockethandkerchief from Professor Woodensconce's bag, that

unfortunate gentleman being quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be thrown overboard.

From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the

hard biscuit and cold brandy and water, under the impression that they will yet restore him. Such is the

'Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he WILL eat, and it is disagreeable to see him.

Has this gentleman no sympathy with the sufferings of his fellowcreatures? If he has, on what principle can

'You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in safety. The town is excessively crowded, and

all the private lodgings and hotels are filled with SAVANS of both sexes. The tremendous assemblage of

intellect that one encounters in every street is in the last degree overwhelming.

'Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate enough to meet with very comfortable

accommodation on very reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the firstfloor passage at one guinea per

night, which includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on condition that I walk about the streets at all

other times, to make room for other gentlemen similarly situated. I have been over the outhouses intended to

be devoted to the reception of the various sections, both here and at the Bootjack and Countenance, and am

much delighted with the arrangements. Nothing can exceed the fresh appearance of the sawdust with which

the floors are sprinkled. The forms are of unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can well imagine, is

'The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering. Within the last ten minutes a stagecoach has

driven up to the door, filled inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr. Muddlebranes, Mr.

Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable

and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith (of

London), Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten lastnamed

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 27

'The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir William Joltered, walked and drove this

morning. They accomplished the former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This has naturally given

'I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot jack and Countenance between Sowster, the

active and intelligent beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your readers are doubtless

aware, is an influential member of the council. I forbear to communicate any of the rumours to which this

very extraordinary proceeding has given rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the truth

'I engaged a donkeychaise shortly after writing the above, and proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of

Sowster's residence, passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick buildings on either side,

and stopping in the marketplace to observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley's hat was blown off yesterday. It is

an uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance which would lead one to suppose that any such

event had recently occurred there. From this point I proceeded passing the gas works and tallowmelter's

to a lane which had been pointed out to me as the beadle's place of residence; and before I had driven a

dozen yards further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing towards me.

'Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that peculiar conformation of countenance which

is vulgarly termed a double chin than I remember to have ever seen before. He has also a very red nose,

which he attributes to a habit of early rising so red, indeed, that but for this explanation I should have

supposed it to proceed from occasional inebriety. He informed me that he did not feel himself at liberty to

relate what had passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to state that it was

connected with a matter of police regulation, and added with peculiar significance "Never wos sitch times!"

'You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerable surprise, not wholly unmixed with

anxiety, and that I lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the object of my visit. After

a few moments' reflection, the Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the utmost politeness, openly

avowed (I mark the passage in italics) THAT HE HAD REQUESTED SOWSTER TO ATTEND ON THE

'Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and the consideration of your readers. I have

yet to learn that a beadle, without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work house, and acting otherwise

than under the express orders of churchwardens and overseers in council assembled, to enforce the law

against people who come upon the parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever over the

rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn that a beadle can be called out by any civilian to exercise a

domination and despotism over the boys of Britain. I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted by the

commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his boots in illegal interference with

the liberties of people not proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle has power to

stop up the Queen's highway at his will and pleasure, or that the whole width of the street is not free and open

to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very walls of the houses ay, be they Black Boys and

'I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of the tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this

infamous celebrity, you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of presenting a copy with every

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 28

The underbeadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be strictly anonymous.

'The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and complete in every respect. Even if I had been

totally ignorant of the man's real character, and it had been placed before me without remark, I should have

shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignity of expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of

purpose in the ruffian's eye, which appals and sickens. His whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is the

'The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, nor ears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything

but the wonderful proceedings that have astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies and proceed to the

PRESIDENT Sir William Joltered. VICEPRESIDENTS Mr. Muddlebranes and Mr. Drawley.

'MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance of dancingbears from the streets of

London, with observations on the exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrelorgans. The writer had

observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that some years ago a sudden and unaccountable

change in the public taste took place with reference to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced by the

populace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the metropolis, until not one remained to create a

taste for natural history in the breasts of the poor and uninstructed. One bear, indeed, a brown and ragged

animal, had lingered about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn and dejected visage and feeble

limbs, and had essayed to wield his quarterstaff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, and an utter

want of any due recompense for his abilities, had at length driven him from the field, and it was only too

probable that he had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. He regretted to add that a similar, and no

less lamentable, change had taken place with reference to monkeys. These delightful animals had formerly

been almost as plentiful as the organs on the tops of which they were accustomed to sit; the proportion in the

year 1829 (it appeared by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey to three organs. Owing, however, to

an altered taste in musical instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of narrow boxes of music for

organs, which left the monkeys nothing to sit upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up.

Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection with national education, that the people

should not lose such opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners and customs of two

most interesting species of animals, the author submitted that some measures should be immediately taken for

'THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable member proposed to attain this most desirable

'THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully and satisfactorily accomplished, if Her Majesty's

Government would cause to be brought over to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the

public amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every quarter of the town to be visited say at

least by three bears a week. No difficulty whatever need be experienced in providing a fitting place for the

reception of these animals, as a commodious beargarden could be erected in the immediate neighbourhood

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 29

of both Houses of Parliament; obviously the most proper and eligible spot for such an establishment.

'PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas of natural history were propagated by

the means to which the honourable member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, he believed that they had

been the means of diffusing very incorrect and imperfect notions on the subject. He spoke from personal

observation and personal experience, when he said that many children of great abilities had been induced to

believe, from what they had observed in the streets, at and before the period to which the honourable

gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were born in red coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers

also came by nature. He wished to know distinctly whether the honourable gentleman attributed the want of

encouragement the bears had met with to the decline of public taste in that respect, or to a want of ability on

'MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself to believe but that there must be a great deal of

floating talent among the bears and monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any proper encouragement,

'PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of calling the attention of the section to a

most important and serious point. The author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent taste for

bears'grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great

and (as it appeared to him) very alarming extent. No gentleman attending that section could fail to be aware

of the fact that the youth of the present age evinced, by their behaviour in the streets, and at all places of

public resort, a considerable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant times, had

been thought becoming. He wished to know whether it were possible that a constant outward application of

bears'grease by the young gentlemen about town had imperceptibly infused into those unhappy persons

something of the nature and quality of the bear. He shuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this theory,

on inquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain a great deal of unpleasant eccentricity

'THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on his most valuable suggestion, which

produced the greatest effect upon the assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some

young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce intensity, which nothing but the influence of

some brutish appetite could possibly explain. It was dreadful to reflect that our youth were so rapidly verging

'After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that this important question should be immediately

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could inform the section what had become of the

'A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after three gleesingers had been committed to

prison as criminals by a late most zealous policemagistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned their

professional duties, and dispersed themselves in different quarters of the town to gain a livelihood by less

dangerous means. He was given to understand that since that period they had supported themselves by lying

'MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branch of that noble tree known to naturalists

as the SHAKSPEARE, which has taken root in every land and climate, and gathered under the shade of its

broad green boughs the great family of mankind. The learned gentleman remarked that the twig had been

undoubtedly called by other names in its time; but that it had been pointed out to him by an old lady in

Warwickshire, where the great tree had grown, as a shoot of the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which name he

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 30

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the honourable gentleman could afford of the

'MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, of little larger size than an ordinary

snuffbox, manufactured entirely by himself, and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which more

pockets could be picked in one hour than by the present slow and tedious process in fourandtwenty. The

inventor remarked that it had been put into active operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other

'After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of the section buttoning their pockets,

'THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared that he had never seen a machine of more

beautiful or exquisite construction. Would the inventor be good enough to inform the section whether he had

'MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminary difficulties, he had succeeded in putting

himself in communication with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell mob, who

had awarded the invention the very highest and most unqualified approbation. He regretted to say, however,

that these distinguished practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name of Gimleteyed Tommy, and

other members of a secondary grade of the profession whom he was understood to represent, entertained an

insuperable objection to its being brought into general use, on the ground that it would have the inevitable

effect of almost entirely superseding manual labour, and throwing a great number of highly deserving

'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be allowed to stand in the way of such a

'MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of the swell mob persevered in their

'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, Her Majesty's Government might be prevailed

'MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to be insuperable he should apply to Parliament,

'THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament had certainly got on very well without it; but, as

they did their business on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly adopt the improvement. His

'MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a proposition of great magnitude and interest,

illustrated by a vast number of models, and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in a treatise entitled

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"Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young

noblemen of England." His proposition was, that a space of ground of not less than ten miles in length and

four in breadth should be purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by Act of Parliament, and

inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve feet in height. He proposed that it should be laid out with

highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and every object that could conduce to the comfort and

glory of Fourinhand Clubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive beyond it. This

delightful retreat would be fitted up with most commodious and extensive stables, for the convenience of

such of the nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with houses of entertainment furnished in the

most expensive and handsome style. It would be further provided with whole streets of doorknockers and

bellhandles of extra size, so constructed that they could be easily wrenched off at night, and regularly

screwed on again, by attendants provided for the purpose, every day. There would also be gas lamps of real

glass, which could be broken at a comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and handsome foot

pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when they were humorously disposed for the full

enjoyment of which feat live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a very small charge per

head. The place being inclosed, and carefully screened from the intrusion of the public, there would be no

objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume that was considered to interfere with a

pleasant frolic, or, indeed, to their walking about without any costume at all, if they liked that better. In short,

every facility of enjoyment would be afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But as

even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were some means provided of enabling the nobility

and gentry to display their prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some inconvenience might be

experienced in the event of their being reduced to the necessity of pummelling each other, the inventor had

turned his attention to the construction of an entirely new police force, composed exclusively of automaton

figures, which, with the assistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi, of Windmillstreet, in the Haymarket,

he had succeeded in making with such nicety, that a policeman, cabdriver, or old woman, made upon the

principle of the models exhibited, would walk about until knocked down like any real man; nay, more, if set

upon and beaten by six or eight noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utter divers

groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering the illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect.

But the invention did not stop even here; for stationhouses would be built, containing good beds for

noblemen and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police

office, where a pantomimic investigation would take place before the automaton magistrates, quite equal to

life, who would fine them in so many counters, with which they would be previously provided for the

purpose. This office would be furnished with an inclined plane, for the convenience of any nobleman or

gentleman who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and the prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as

they were now, to interrupt the complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any remarks that they

thought proper. The charge for these amusements would amount to very little more than they already cost,

and the inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited and comforted by the proposed

'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton police force it was proposed to raise

'MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with seven divisions of police of a score each,

lettered from A to G inclusive. It was proposed that not more than half this number should be placed on

active duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in the police office ready to be called out at a

'THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious gentleman who had originated the idea,

doubted whether the automaton police would quite answer the purpose. He feared that noblemen and

'MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 32

policeman or cabdriver, it could make very little difference in point of excitement whether the policeman or

cabdriver were a man or a block. The great advantage would be, that a policeman's limbs might be all

knocked off, and yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day. He might even give his evidence next

'PROFESSOR MUFF. Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of what materials it is intended that the

'MR. COPPERNOSE. The magistrates will have wooden heads of course, and they will be made of the

'PROFESSOR NOGO. I see but one objection to it. It appears to me that the magistrates ought to talk.

'MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a small spring in each of the two

models of magistrates which were placed upon the table; one of the figures immediately began to exclaim

with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in such a situation, and the other to express a fear that

'The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applause that the invention was complete; and the

President, much excited, retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On his return,

'MR. TICKLE displayed his newlyinvented spectacles, which enabled the wearer to discern, in very bright

colours, objects at a great distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before him. It was,

he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based strictly upon the principle of the human eye.

'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point. He had yet to learn that the human eye was

'MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the President could not fail to be aware that a large

number of most excellent persons and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most marvellous horrors

on West India plantations, while they could discern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton

mills. He must know, too, with what quickness of perception most people could discover their neighbour's

faults, and how very blind they were to their own. If the President differed from the great majority of men in

this respect, his eye was a defective one, and it was to assist his vision that these glasses were made.

'MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed of copperplates, gold leaf, and silk

'MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be so ingeniously composed, that he was wholly

'DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case of monomania, and described the course of

treatment he had pursued with perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle rank of life, who,

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING 33

having seen another lady at an evening party in a full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to

possess a similar equipment, although her husband's finances were by no means equal to the necessary outlay.

Finding her wish ungratified, she fell sick, and the symptoms soon became so alarming, that he (Dr.

Grummidge) was called in. At this period the prominent tokens of the disorder were sullenness, a total

indisposition to perform domestic duties, great peevishness, and extreme languor, except when pearls were

mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the eyes grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient,

after various incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and exclaimed that nobody cared for her,

and that she wished herself dead. Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the presence of company,

he began by ordering a total abstinence from all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; he

then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister under each ear, one upon the chest, and another on the

back; having done which, and administered five grains of calomel, he left the patient to her repose. The next

day she was somewhat low, but decidedly better, and all appearances of irritation were removed. The next

day she improved still further, and on the next again. On the fourth there was some appearance of a return of

the old symptoms, which no sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of calomel, and

left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable change occurred within two hours, the patient's head

should be immediately shaved to the very last curl. From that moment she began to mend, and, in less than

fourandtwenty hours was perfectly restored. She did not now betray the least emotion at the sight or

mention of pearls or any other ornaments. She was cheerful and goodhumoured, and a most beneficial

'MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting communication in which he sought to prove the

complete belief of Sir William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic

system. The section would bear in mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines was, that infinitesimal doses

of any medicine which would occasion the disease under which the patient laboured, supposing him to be in a

healthy state, would cure it. Now, it was a remarkable circumstance proved in the evidence that the

deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow him about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that one

drop (a purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), placed upon his tongue, after death, would

restore him. What was the obvious inference? That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in osier

beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a presentiment that he should be drowned; in which case,

had his instructions been complied with, he could not fail to have been brought to life again instantly by his

own prescription. As it was, if this woman, or any other person, had administered an infinitesimal dose of

lead and gunpowder immediately after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. But unhappily the woman

concerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy, or carrying out a principle, and thus the

'MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical inquiries relative to the difference

between the value of the qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the world, and its real

nature and amount. After reminding the section that every member of Parliament for a town or borough was

supposed to possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum, the honourable gentleman

excited great amusement and laughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property possessed by a

column of legislators, in which he had included himself. It appeared from this table, that the amount of such

income possessed by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 pence, yielding an average of the same. (Great

laughter.) It was pretty well known that there were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new

members with temporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they swore solemnly of course as a mere

matter of form. He argued from these DATA that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament to

possess any property at all, especially as when they had none the public could get them so much cheaper.

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'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with one eye, which had been seen by the author

standing in a butcher's cart at the corner of Newgate Market. The communication described the author of the

paper as having, in the prosecution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday morning last

summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; in the course of which expedition he had beheld the extraordinary

appearance above described. The pony had one distinct eye, and it had been pointed out to him by his friend

Captain Blunderbore, of the Horse Marines, who assisted the author in his search, that whenever he winked

this eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off), but that he always winked and whisked at the

same time. The animal was lean, spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed to constitute it of the

family of FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS. It certainly did occur to him that there was no case on record of a

pony with one clearlydefined and distinct organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same moment.

'MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, and likewise of a pony whisking his tail,

but whether they were two ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. At all events, he

was acquainted with no authenticated instance of a simultaneous winking and whisking, and he really could

not but doubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all those natural laws by which ponies

were governed. Referring, however, to the mere question of his one organ of vision, might he suggest the

possibility of this pony having been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, and having closed only one

'THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep or fast asleep, there could be no doubt

that the association was wide awake, and therefore that they had better get the business over, and go to

dinner. He had certainly never seen anything analogous to this pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its

existence; for he had seen many queerer ponies in his time, though he did not pretend to have seen any more

'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of the late Mr. Greenacre, which he

produced from a blue bag, remarking, on being invited to make any observations that occurred to him, "that

he'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section had never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos."

'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; and, some difference of opinion arising

respecting the real character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture upon the cranium

before him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual

extent, with a most remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was

proceeding to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted the proceedings by

'PROFESSOR KETCH. "Order be blowed! you've got the wrong un, I tell you. It ain't no 'ed at all; it's a

cokernut as my brother inlaw has been acarvin', to hornament his new baked taturstall wots acomin'

'With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of the cocoanut, and drew forth the skull, in

mistake for which he had exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but as there appeared some

doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre's, or a hospital patient's, or a pauper's, or a man's, or a

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'I cannot,' says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 'I cannot close my account of these gigantic

researches and sublime and noble triumphs without repeating a BON MOT of Professor Woodensconce's,

which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth can be presented to listening ears,

clothed in an attractive and playful form. I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, that

learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a

sumptuous dinner was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled on the board, and fat bucks propitiatory

sacrifices to learning sent forth their savoury odours. "Ah!" said Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his

hands, "this is what we meet for; this is what inspires us; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us

Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess to a fondness for pantomimes to a gentle

sympathy with clowns and pantaloons to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and columbines to a

chaste delight in every action of their brief existence, varied and manycoloured as those actions are, and

inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and formal rules of propriety which regulate the

proceedings of meaner and less comprehensive minds. We revel in pantomimes not because they dazzle

one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, the wellbeloved chalked

faces, and goggle eyes of our childhood; not even because, like Christmasday, and Twelfthnight, and

ShroveTuesday, and one's own birthday, they come to us but once a year; our attachment is founded on a

graver and a very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of life; nay, more, we maintain that it is so

to audiences generally, although they are not aware of it, and that this very circumstance is the secret cause of

Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderly gentleman, with a large face and strongly

marked features, appears. His countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is on his broad,

red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderly gentleman, comfortable in circumstances, and welltodo in the

world. He is not unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not to say gaudily, dressed; and

that he indulges to a reasonable extent in the pleasures of the table may be inferred from the joyous and oily

manner in which he rubs his stomach, by way of informing the audience that he is going home to dinner. In

the fulness of his heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in the possession and enjoyment of all the good

things of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and stumbles. How the audience roar! He is

set upon by a noisy and officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with delight!

Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, his relentless persecutors knock him down again. The

spectators are convulsed with merriment! And when at last the elderly gentleman does get up, and staggers

away, despoiled of hat, wig, and clothing, himself battered to pieces, and his watch and money gone, they are

exhausted with laughter, and express their merriment and admiration in rounds of applause.

Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street; to the Stock Exchange, or the City banker's; the

merchant's counting house, or even the tradesman's shop. See any one of these men fall, the more

suddenly, and the nearer the zenith of his pride and riches, the better. What a wild hallo is raised over his

prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop and yell as he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how

eagerly they set upon him when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he slinks away. Why, it is

Of all the pantomimic DRAMATIS PERSONAE, we consider the pantaloon the most worthless and

debauched. Independent of the dislike one naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in

pursuits highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot conceal from ourselves the fact that he is a

treacherous, worldly minded old villain, constantly enticing his younger companion, the clown, into acts of

fraud or petty larceny, and generally standing aside to watch the result of the enterprise. If it be successful, he

never forgets to return for his share of the spoil; but if it turn out a failure, he generally retires with

remarkable caution and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until the affair has blown over. His amorous

propensities, too, are eminently disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street at

noonday is downright improper, being usually neither more nor less than a perceptible tickling of the

aforesaid ladies in the waist, after committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed (as well he may be)

of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a

Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own social circle? Is there any man who has not

seen them swarming at the west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer's evening, going through the

lastnamed pantomimic feats with as much liquorish energy, and as total an absence of reserve, as if they

were on the very stage itself? We can tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this

moment capital pantaloons, who have been performing all kinds of strange freaks, to the great amusement

of their friends and acquaintance, for years past; and who to this day are making such comical and ineffectual

attempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like to die with laughter.

Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the CAFE DE L'EUROPE in the Haymarket, where he

has been dining at the expense of the young man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part at the

door of the tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the courteous nod, the obvious recollection

of the dinner, the savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, are all characteristics of his great

prototype. He hobbles away humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, with affected

carelessness. Suddenly he stops 'tis at the milliner's window. He peeps through one of the large panes of

glass; and, his view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, directs his attentions to the

young girl with the bandbox in her hand, who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws beside her. He

coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again; she disregards him. He gleefully chucks her

under the chin, and, retreating a few steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, while the girl bestows a

contemptuous and supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns away with a flounce, and the old

But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear to those of everyday life is perfectly

extraordinary. Some people talk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and dismal

tones the name of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to the worthy and excellent old man when we say

that this is downright nonsense. Clowns that beat Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every day, and nobody

'I know who you mean,' says some dirtyfaced patron of Mr. Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany

when he has got thus far, and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; 'you mean C. J. Smith as did

Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden.' The dirtyfaced gentleman has hardly uttered the words,

when he is interrupted by a young gentleman in no shirtcollar and a Petersham coat. 'No, no,' says the young

gentleman; 'he means Brown, King, and Gibson, at the 'Delphi.' Now, with great deference both to the

firstnamed gentleman with the dirty face, and the lastnamed gentleman in the nonexisting shirtcollar,

we do NOT mean either the performer who so grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the three

unchangeables who have been dancing the same dance under different imposing titles, and doing the same

thing under various highsounding names for some five or six years last past. We have no sooner made this

avowal, than the public, who have hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on earth it is we

It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomimeseers, that the scenes in which a theatrical clown is at

the very height of his glory are those which are described in the playbills as 'Cheesemonger's shop and

Crockery warehouse,' or 'Tailor's shop, and Mrs. Queertable's boardinghouse,' or places bearing some such

title, where the great fun of the thing consists in the hero's taking lodgings which he has not the slightest

intention of paying for, or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abstracting the stockintrade of the

respectable shopkeeper next door, or robbing warehouse porters as they pass under his window, or, to shorten

the catalogue, in his swindling everybody he possibly can, it only remaining to be observed that, the more

extensive the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, the greater the rapture and

ecstasy of the audience. Now it is a most remarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in real life

day after day, and nobody sees the humour of it. Let us illustrate our position by detailing the plot of this

The Honourable Captain FitzWhisker Fiercy, attended by his livery servant Do'em a most respectable

servant to look at, who has grown grey in the service of the captain's family views, treats for, and ultimately

obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such a number, such a street. All the tradesmen in the

neighbourhood are in agonies of competition for the captain's custom; the captain is a goodnatured,

kindhearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause of disappointment to any, he most handsomely gives

orders to all. Hampers of wine, baskets of provisions, cartloads of furniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies of

luxuries of the costliest description, flock to the house of the Honourable Captain FitzWhisker Fiercy,

where they are received with the utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do'em; while the captain himself

struts and swaggers about with that compound air of conscious superiority and general bloodthirstiness

which a military captain should always, and does most times, wear, to the admiration and terror of plebeian

men. But the tradesmen's backs are no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity of a mighty

mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, whose devoted fidelity is not the least touching part of his character,

disposes of everything to great advantage; for, although the articles fetch small sums, still they are sold

considerably above cost price, the cost to the captain having been nothing at all. After various manoeuvres,

the imposture is discovered, FitzFiercy and Do'em are recognized as confederates, and the police office to

Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the best portion of a theatrical pantomime

FitzWhisker Fiercy by the clown; Do'em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the tradesmen? The best

of the joke, too, is, that the very coal merchant who is loudest in his complaints against the person who

defrauded him, is the identical man who sat in the centre of the very front row of the pit last night and

laughed the most boisterously at this very same thing, and not so well done either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say

again! Did Grimaldi, in his best days, ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa?

The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us of his last piece of humour, the fraudulently

obtaining certain stamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. We had scarcely laid down our

pen to contemplate for a few moments this admirable actor's performance of that exquisite practical joke,

than a new branch of our subject flashed suddenly upon us. So we take it up again at once.

All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who have been before them, know, that in the

representation of a pantomime, a good many men are sent upon the stage for the express purpose of being

cheated, or knocked down, or both. Now, down to a moment ago, we had never been able to understand for

what possible purpose a great number of odd, lazy, largeheaded men, whom one is in the habit of meeting

here, and there, and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see it all, now. They are the

supernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men who have been thrust into it, with no other view than to be

constantly tumbling over each other, and running their heads against all sorts of strange things. We sat

opposite to one of these men at a supper table, only last week. Now we think of it, he was exactly like the

gentlemen with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do the corresponding business in the theatrical

pantomimes; there was the same broad stolid simper the same dull leaden eye the same unmeaning,

vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever was done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place,

or jostled against something that he had not the slightest business with. We looked at the man across the table

again and again; and could not satisfy ourselves what race of beings to class him with. How very odd that this

We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the harlequin. We see harlequins of so many

kinds in the real living pantomime, that we hardly know which to select as the proper fellow of him of the

theatres. At one time we were disposed to think that the harlequin was neither more nor less than a young

man of family and independent property, who had run away with an operadancer, and was fooling his life

and his means away in light and trivial amusements. On reflection, however, we remembered that harlequins

are occasionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we are rather disposed to acquit our young men of

family and independent property, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On a more mature

consideration of the subject, we have arrived at the conclusion that the harlequins of life are just ordinary

men, to be found in no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station, or particular conjunction of

circumstances, confers the magic wand. And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of public and

political life, which we shall say at once, and then conclude merely premising in this place that we decline

any reference whatever to the columbine, being in no wise satisfied of the nature of her connection with her

particoloured lover, and not feeling by any means clear that we should be justified in introducing her to the

We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is neither more nor less than the drawing up of

the curtain for a grand comic pantomime, and that his Majesty's most gracious speech on the opening thereof

may be not inaptly compared to the clown's opening speech of 'Here we are!' 'My lords and gentlemen, here

we are!' appears, to our mind at least, to be a very good abstract of the point and meaning of the propitiatory

address of the ministry. When we remember how frequently this speech is made, immediately after THE

Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than at this day. We are particularly strong in

clowns. At no former time, we should say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or performers so ready to

go through the whole of their feats for the amusement of an admiring throng. Their extreme readiness to

exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some illnatured reflections; it having been objected that by exhibiting

gratuitously through the country when the theatre is closed, they reduce themselves to the level of

mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the respectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never did

this sort of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to the Surrey in vacation time, and Mr. C.

J. Smith has ruralised at Sadler's Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a general tumbling through the

country, except in the gentleman, name unknown, who threw summersets on behalf of the late Mr.

Richardson, and who is no authority either, because he had never been on the regular boards.

But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter of taste, we may reflect with pride and

gratification of heart on the proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Night after night will they

twist and tumble about, till two, three, and four o'clock in the morning; playing the strangest antics, and

giving each other the funniest slaps on the face that can possibly be imagined, without evincing the smallest

tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which all this is done,

too, would put to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that ever yelled through a boxingnight.

It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled to go through the most surprising contortions

by the irresistible influence of the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin holds above his head. Acted

upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectly motionless, moving neither hand, foot, nor finger,

and will even lose the faculty of speech at an instant's notice; or on the other hand, he will become all life and

animation if required, pouring forth a torrent of words without sense or meaning, throwing himself into the

wildest and most fantastic contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up the dust. These

exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed, they are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the

Strange tricks very strange tricks are also performed by the harlequin who holds for the time being the

magic wand which we have just mentioned. The mere waving it before a man's eyes will dispossess his brains

of all the notions previously stored there, and fill it with an entirely new set of ideas; one gentle tap on the

back will alter the colour of a man's coat completely; and there are some expert performers, who, having this

wand held first on one side and then on the other, will change from side to side, turning their coats at every

evolution, with so much rapidity and dexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions.

Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the hand of the temporary possessor, and

consigns it to some new performer; on which occasions all the characters change sides, and then the race and

We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length we might have carried the comparison into

the liberal professions we might have shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is in itself a little

pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, complete; but, as we fear we have been quite lengthy

enough already, we shall leave this chapter just where it is. A gentleman, not altogether unknown as a

and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcelyworthmentioning little distance of a few millions of

leagues behind, venture to add, by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we are all actors

We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common with most other people, we have heard and read

of many instances of their bravery and generosity. We have duly admired that heroic selfdenial and

charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat people except when they are hungry, and we have

been deeply impressed with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to display towards unmarried

ladies of a certain state. All natural histories teem with anecdotes illustrative of their excellent qualities; and

one old spellingbook in particular recounts a touching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and

stern principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young man who had contracted a habit of swearing,

All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says a very great deal in favour of lions as a mass.

We are bound to state, however, that such individual lions as we have happened to fall in with have not put

forth any very striking characteristics, and have not acted up to the chivalrous character assigned them by

their chroniclers. We never saw a lion in what is called his natural state, certainly; that is to say, we have

never met a lion out walking in a forest, or crouching in his lair under a tropical sun, waiting till his dinner

should happen to come by, hot from the baker's. But we have seen some under the influence of captivity, and

the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they appeared to us very apathetic, heavyheaded fellows.

The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all very well; he has an undeniable mane, and looks

very fierce; but, Lord bless us! what of that? The lions of the fashionable world look just as ferocious, and are

the most harmless creatures breathing. A boxlobby lion or a Regentstreet animal will put on a most terrible

aspect, and roar, fearfully, if you affront him; but he will never bite, and, if you offer to attack him manfully,

will fairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless these creatures roam about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet

any especially meek looking and peaceablydisposed fellow, will endeavour to frighten him; but the faintest

show of a vigorous resistance is sufficient to scare them even then. These are pleasant characteristics,

whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological lion and his brethren at the fairs, that they

We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, except at feedingtime. In every respect

we uphold the biped lions against their fourfooted namesakes, and we boldly challenge controversy upon

With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity and interest were very much excited the

other day, when a lady of our acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our refusal of her

invitation to an evening party; 'for,' said she, 'I have got a lion coming.' We at once retracted our plea of a

prior engagement, and became as anxious to go, as we had previously been to stay away.

We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the drawingroom, from whence we could hope to

obtain a full view of the interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles began, the room filled;

but no lion appeared. The lady of the house became inconsolable, for it is one of the peculiar privileges of

these lions to make solemn appointments and never keep them, when all of a sudden there came a

tremendous double rap at the streetdoor, and the master of the house, after gliding out (unobserved as he

flattered himself) to peep over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together with great glee,

and cried out in a very important voice, 'My dear, Mr. (naming the lion) has this moment arrived.'

Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed several young ladies, who had been

laughing and conversing previously with great gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quiet and

sentimental; while some young gentlemen, who had been cutting great figures in the facetious and smalltalk

way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation of the company, and were looked upon with great

coldness and indifference. Even the young man who had been ordered from the music shop to play the

pianoforte was visibly affected, and struck several false notes in the excess of his excitement.

All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of

'Oh! capital! excellent!' from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these exclamations were

occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our host. Nor were we deceived; for when the lion at last

appeared, we overheard his keeper, who was a little prim man, whisper to several gentlemen of his

acquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of halfsuppressed admiration, that (naming the

The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a vast number of people present who had admired his

roarings, and were anxious to be introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought up for the

purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which he received all their patting and caressing. This

brought forcibly to our mind what we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where the other lions are

compelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they chance to be acquainted with, just as often as

While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, for he mingled among the crowd, and

spread his praises most industriously. To one gentleman he whispered some very choice thing that the noble

animal had said in the very act of coming up stairs, which, of course, rendered the mental effort still more

astonishing; to another he murmured a hasty account of a grand dinner that had taken place the day before,

where twentyseven gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra cheer for the lion; and to the ladies

he made sundry promises of interceding to procure the majestic brute's signmanual for their albums. Then,

there were little private consultations in different corners, relative to the personal appearance and stature of

the lion; whether he was shorter than they had expected to see him, or taller, or thinner, or fatter, or younger,

or older; whether he was like his portrait, or unlike it; and whether the particular shade of his eyes was black,

or blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture. At all these consultations the keeper assisted; and, in short,

the lion was the sole and single subject of discussion till they sat him down to whist, and then the people

We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience to the announcement of supper; for if you

wish to see a tame lion under particularly favourable circumstances, feedingtime is the period of all others

to pitch upon. We were therefore very much delighted to observe a sensation among the guests, which we

well knew how to interpret, and immediately afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of the house

downstairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female of our acquaintance, who dear old soul! is the very

best person that ever lived, to lead down to any meal; for, be the room ever so small, or the party ever so

large, she is sure, by some intuitive perception of the eligible, to push and pull herself and conductor close to

the best dishes on the table; we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, and, descending the stairs

shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough to obtain a seat nearly opposite him.

Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself at precisely that distance from his charge

which afforded him a decent pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a key, as could

not fail to attract the attention of the whole company, and immediately began to apply himself seriously to the

task of bringing the lion out, and putting him through the whole of his manoeuvres. Such flashes of wit as he

elicited from the lion! First of all, they began to make puns upon a saltcellar, and then upon the breast of a

fowl, and then upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which latter

subject the lion came out most vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most competent authorities, quite

outshone himself. This is a very excellent mode of shining in society, and is founded, we humbly conceive,

upon the classic model of the dialogues between Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the latter

takes all the uphill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes and repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never

fails to gain great credit and excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, however, we

recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for in this instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly

When the saltcellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, and the lobster salad were all exhausted, and could

not afford standingroom for another solitary witticism, the keeper performed that very dangerous feat which

is still done with some of the caravan lions, although in one instance it terminated fatally, of putting his head

in the animal's mouth, and placing himself entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently presents a melancholy

instance of the lamentable results of this achievement, and other keepers and jackals have been terribly

lacerated for their daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended to be trifled with, in the most

gentle manner, and finally went home with the showman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly

Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections upon the character and conduct of this

genus of lions as we walked homewards, and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that our former

impression in their favour was very much strengthened and confirmed by what we had recently seen. While

the other lions receive company and compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these

appear flattered by the attentions that are paid them; while those conceal themselves to the utmost of their

power from the vulgar gaze, these court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of

compulsion will move to exertion, are ever ready to display their acquirements to the wondering throng. We

have known bears of undoubted ability who, when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up

to the utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; welltaught monkeys, who have unaccountably

objected to exhibit on the slack wire; and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly declined to

turn the barrelorgan; but we never once knew or heard of a biped lion, literary or otherwise, and we state

it as a fact which is highly creditable to the whole species, who, occasion offering, did not seize with

avidity on any opportunity which was afforded him, of performing to his heart's content on the first violin.

In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a publichouse in the immediate neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge,

everybody talks politics, every evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, an individual

who defines himself as 'a gentleman connected with the press,' which is a definition of peculiar

indefiniteness. Mr. Robert Bolton's regular circle of admirers and listeners are an undertaker, a greengrocer, a

hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach surmounted by a man's head, and placed on the top of two particularly

short legs, and a thin man in black, name, profession, and pursuit unknown, who always sits in the same

position, always displays the same long, vacant face, and never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by most

enthusiastic conversation, except to puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give vent to a very snappy,

loud, and shrill HEM! The conversation sometimes turns upon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary

character, and always upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that talented individual. I

found myself (of course, accidentally) in the Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused

'Can you lend me a tenpound note till Christmas?' inquired the hairdresser of the stomach.

'My stock in trade, there's enough of it, I'm thinking, Mr. Thicknesse. Some fifty wigs, two poles,

'No, I won't, then,' growled out Thicknesse. 'I lends nothing on the security of the whigs or the Poles either.

As for whigs, they're cheats; as for the Poles, they've got no cash. I never have nothing to do with blockheads,

unless I can't awoid it (ironically), and a dead bear's about as much use to me as I could be to a dead bear.'

'Well, then,' urged the other, 'there's a book as belonged to Pope, Byron's Poems, valued at forty pounds,

because it's got Pope's identical scratch on the back; what do you think of that for security?'

"Steal not this book, for fear of hangman's rope; For it belongs to Alexander Pope."

All that's written on the inside of the binding of the book; so, as my son says, we're BOUND to believe it.'

'Well, sir,' observed the undertaker, deferentially, and in a half whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking

'Perhaps, sir,' said Clip, a little flurried, 'you'll pay for the first upset afore you thinks of another.'

'Now,' said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, 'I THINK, I says I THINK you'll excuse

me, Mr. Clip, I THINK, you see, that won't go down with the present company unfortunately, my master

had the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord's housemaid, not no more nor twenty year ago. Don't

think I'm proud on it, gentlemen; others might be; but I hate rank of any sort. I've no more respect for a Lord's

footman than I have for any respectable tradesman in this room. I may say no more nor I have for Mr. Clip!

(bowing). Therefore, that ere Lord must have been born long after Pope died. And it's a logical interference to

defer, that they neither of them lived at the same time. So what I mean is this here, that Pope never had no

book, never seed, felt, never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord. And, gentlemen,

when I consider how patiently you have 'eared the ideas what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way

to reward you for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down without saying anything more partickler as I

perceive a worthier visitor nor myself is just entered. I am not in the habit of paying compliments, gentlemen;

'Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what's all this about striking with double force?' said the object of the above remark, as

he entered. 'I never excuse a man's getting into a rage during winter, even when he's seated so close to the fire

as you are. It is very injudicious to put yourself into such a perspiration. What is the cause of this extreme

Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a shorthandwriter, as he termed himself a

bit of equivoque passing current among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a vast idea of the

establishment of the ministerial organ, while to the initiated it signifies that no one paper can lay claim to the

enjoyment of their services. Mr. Bolton was a young man, with a somewhat sickly and very dissipated

expression of countenance. His habiliments were composed of an exquisite union of gentility, slovenliness,

assumption, simplicity, NEWNESS, and old age. Half of him was dressed for the winter, the other half for the

summer. His hat was of the newest cut, the D'Orsay; his trousers had been white, but the inroads of mud and

ink, etc., had given them a pie bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high black cravat, of the

most tyrannical stiffness; while his TOUT ENSEMBLE was hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old

brown poodlecollared greatcoat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. His fingers peeped

through the ends of his black kid gloves, and two of the toes of each foot took a similar view of society

through the extremities of his highlows. Sacred to the bare walls of his garret be the mysteries of his interior

dress! He was a short, spare man, of a somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemed influenced by his

entry into the room, and his salutation of each member partook of the patronizing. The hairdresser made way

for him between himself and the stomach. A minute afterwards he had taken possession of his pint and pipe.

A pause in the conversation took place. Everybody was waiting, anxious for his first observation.

Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed upon the man of paragraphs.

'Boiled him, gentlemen!' added Mr. Bolton, with the most effective emphasis; 'BOILED him!'

Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or three dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to

instil into the commercial capacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemen connected with the press,

'The man was a baker, gentlemen.' (Every one looked at the baker present, who stared at Bolton.) 'His victim,

being his son, also was necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched murderer had a wife, whom he was

frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated state, of kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking

down, and halfkilling while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable portion of a sheet or blanket.'

The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybody else, and exclaimed, 'Horrid!'

'It appears in evidence, gentlemen,' continued Mr. Bolton, 'that, on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the

baker came home in a reprehensible state of beer. Mrs. S., connubially considerate, carried him in that

condition upstairs into his chamber, and consigned him to their mutual couch. In a minute or two she lay

sleeping beside the man whom the morrow's dawn beheld a murderer!' (Entire silence informed the reporter

that his picture had attained the awful effect he desired.) 'The son came home about an hour afterwards,

opened the door, and went up to bed. Scarcely (gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he

taken off his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced ear MATERNAL shrieks) scared the silence of

surrounding night. He put his indescribables on again, and ran downstairs. He opened the door of the

parental bedchamber. His father was dancing upon his mother. What must have been his feelings! In the

agony of the minute he rushed at his male parent as he was about to plunge a knife into the side of his female.

The mother shrieked. The father caught the son (who had wrested the knife from the paternal grasp) up in his

arms, carried him downstairs, shoved him into a copper of boiling water among some linen, closed the lid,

and jumped upon the top of it, in which position he was found with a ferocious countenance by the mother,

'Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the house, and alarmed the neighbourhood. The

police entered a minute afterwards. The father, having bolted the washhouse door, had bolted himself. They

dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker from the cauldron, and, with a promptitude commendable in

men of their station, they immediately carried it to the stationhouse. Subsequently, the baker was

apprehended while seated on the top of a lamppost in Parliament Street, lighting his pipe.'

The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensed into the pithy effect of a tenline

paragraph, could not possibly have so affected the narrator's auditory. Silence, the purest and most noble of

all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the barbarity of the baker, as well as to Bolton's knack of

narration; and it was only broken after some minutes had elapsed by interjectional expressions of the intense

indignation of every man present. The baker wondered how a British baker could so disgrace himself and the

highly honourable calling to which he belonged; and the others indulged in a variety of wonderments

connected with the subject; among which not the least wonderment was that which was awakened by the

genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his unspeakable

influence with the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemn countenance, to hear the pros and cons of

To recount with what trouble I have brought you up with what an anxious eye I have regarded your

progress, how late and how often I have sat up at night working for you, and how many thousand letters I

have received from, and written to your various relations and friends, many of whom have been of a

querulous and irritable turn, to dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I have (as far as I possessed

the power) inspected and chosen your food; rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which some

injudicious but wellmeaning old ladies would have had you swallow, and retaining only those light and

pleasant articles which I deemed calculated to keep you free from all gross humours, and to render you an

agreeable child, and one who might be popular with society in general, to dilate on the steadiness with

which I have prevented your annoying any company by talking politics always assuring you that you would

thank me for it yourself some day when you grew older, to expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as a

parent, is beside my present purpose, though I cannot but contemplate your fair appearance your robust

health, and unimpeded circulation (which I take to be the great secret of your good looks) without the liveliest

It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I have no doubt you have often heard repeated, that

we have fallen upon strange times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. I had a melancholy

instance of this only a week or two since. I was returning from Manchester to London by the Mail Train,

when I suddenly fell into another train a mixed train of reflection, occasioned by the dejected and

disconsolate demeanour of the Post Office Guard. We were stopping at some station where they take in

water, when he dismounted slowly from the little box in which he sits in ghastly mockery of his old condition

with pistol and blunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot the first highwayman (or railwayman) who shall

attempt to stop the horses, which now travel (when they travel at all) INSIDE and in a portable stable

invented for the purpose, he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, from his post, and looking mournfully

about him as if in dismal recollection of the old roadside publichouse the blazing fire the glass of foaming

ale the buxom handmaid and admiring hangerson of tap room and stable, all honoured by his notice; and,

retiring a little apart, stood leaning against a signalpost, surveying the engine with a look of combined

affliction and disgust which no words can describe. His scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished with

ignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl his pride in days of yore the steam

condensed in the tunnel from which we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like rain. His eye betokened that

he was thinking of the coachman; and as it wandered to his own seat and his own fastfading garb, it was

plain to see that he felt his office and himself had alike no business there, and were nothing but an elaborate

As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation of those days to come, when mailcoach

guards shall no longer be judges of horseflesh when a mailcoach guard shall never even have seen a

horse when stations shall have superseded stables, and corn shall have given place to coke. 'In those

dawning times,' thought I, 'exhibitionrooms shall teem with portraits of Her Majesty's favourite engine, with

boilers after Nature by future Landseers. Some Amburgh, yet unborn, shall break wild horses by his magic

power; and in the dress of a mailcoach guard exhibit his TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mailcoach.

Then, shall wondering crowds observe how that, with the exception of his whip, it is all his eye; and crowned

heads shall see them fed on oats, and stand alone unmoved and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted

Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakened then, as I am now, by the necessity of

attending to matters of present though minor importance. I offer no apology to you for the digression, for it

brings me very naturally to the subject of change, which is the very subject of which I desire to treat.

In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I resign you to the guardianship and protection of one

of my most intimate and valued friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my best wishes and

warmest feelings will ever remain. I reap no gain or profit by parting from you, nor will any conveyance of

your property be required, for, in this respect, you have always been literally 'Bentley's' Miscellany, and

Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this altered state of things with feelings of unmingled

Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, YOUR guard is at home in his new place, and has roystering

highwaymen and gallant desperadoes ever within call. And if I might compare you, my child, to an engine;

(not a Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but a brisk and rapid locomotive;) your friends and patrons to

passengers; and he who now stands towards you IN LOCO PARENTIS as the skilful engineer and supervisor

of the whole, I would humbly crave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its new and auspicious

course for one brief instant, while, with hat in hand, I approach side by side with the friend who travelled

with me on the old road, and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf of him and his new charge, both

5. FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING, page = 14

6. FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING, page = 26

10. FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS, page = 48