The Old Law ........................................................................................................................................................1

Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1

I.i. [A street in Epire]...............................................................................................................................1

II.i. [The court] .......................................................................................................................................18

III.i. [A church] ......................................................................................................................................36

IV.i. [Before a tavern] ............................................................................................................................61

V.i. [The court]......................................................................................................................................78

Listen, sir, I'll gather it as brief as I can for you. [He draws forth the statute and reads it.] "Anno primo

Evandri, be it for the care and good of the commonwealth, for diverse necessary reasons that we shall urge,

"That all men living in our dominions of Epire in their decayed nature to the age of fourscore, or women to

the age of threescore, shall on the same day be instantly put to death, by those means and instruments that a

former proclamation had to this purpose, through our said territories dispersed"

"That these men, being past their bearing arms to aid and defend their country, past their manhood and

livelihood to propagate any further issue to their posterity, and, as well, past their counsels (which overgrown

gravity is now run into dotage) to assist their country; to whom, in common reason, nothing should be so

wearisome as their own lives; as, it may be supposed, is tedious to their successive heirs, whose times are

spent in the good of their country, yet, wanting the means to maintain it, are like to grow old before their

inheritance born to them come to their necessary use. For the women, for that they were never defence to

their country, never by counsel admitted to the assist of government of their country, only necessary to the

propagation of posterity, and, now, at the age of threescore, be past that good and all their goodness; it is

thought fit, then, a quarter abated from the more worthy member, [they] be put to death as is before recited;

provided that, for the just and impartial execution of this our statute, the example shall first begin in and

about our court, which ourself will see carefully performed, and not for a full month following extend any

further into our dominions. Dated the sixth of the second month at our Palace Royal in Epire."

[Reading] "That [men] at the age of fourscore and women at threescore shall the same day be put to death."

There's least need of thee, fellow, I shall ne'er drink at home, I shall be so drunk abroad.

Butler, you have your answer. Marry, sir, a cook I know your mastership cannot be without.

The more ass art thou to think so, for what should I do with a mountebank, no drink in my house? The

banishing the butler might have been a warning for thee, unless thou meanest to choke me.

These are superfluous vanities, indeed, and so accounted of in these days, sir; but then, your bailiff to receive

I prithee, hold thy tongue, fellow, I shall take a course to spend 'em faster than thou canst reckon 'em. 'Tis not

the rents must serve my turn, unless I mean to be laughed at; if a man should be seen out of slashme, let him

Why, here's an age to make a cook a ruffian and scald the devil! Indeed, do strange mad things, make

muttonpasties of dog's flesh, bake snakes for lamprey pies, and cats for conies!

Come, will you be ruled by a butler's advice once? For we must make up our fortunes somewhere now, as the

case stands. Let's even, therefore, go seek out widows of nineandfifty and we can; that's within a year of

their deaths and so we shall be sure to be quickly rid of 'em, for a year's enough of conscience to be troubled

Likely to be the wiser man, sir, for your greatest clerks are not always so, as 'tis reported.

I understand myself so much the better, sir, for all the best in the parish pay duties to the clerk, and I would

Mine is a capcase. Now, to our business in your hand: good luck, I hope; I long to be resolved.

Look you, sir, this is that cannot deceive you; this is the dial that goes ever true. You may say ipse dixit upon

Mark, sir: [reading] "Agatha, the daughter of Pollux"this is your wife's name and the name of her

"Born in an[no] 1540," and now 'tis '99. By this infallible record, sir, let me see, she is now just fiftynine

Do not deduct it to days; 'twill be the more tedious, and to measure it by hourglasses were intolerable.

Do not think on it, sir. Half the time goes away in sleep; 'tis half the year in nights.

Oh, you mistake me, neighbour, I am loath to leave the good old woman. If she were gone now it would not

grieve me, for what is a year, alas, but a lingering torment? And were it not better she were out of her pain? It

You speak kindly, truly, and if you say but Amen to it, which is a word that I know you are perfect in, it

might be done. Clerks are the most indifferent honest men, for to the marriage of your enemy, or the burial of

your friend, the curses or the blessings to you are all one; you say Amen to all.

With a better will to the one than the other, neighbour, but I shall be glad to say Amen to anything might do

There is, first, something above your duty. [Gives him money.] Now I would have you set forward the clock

I will speak to the sexton for that, but the day will go ne'er the faster for that.

Oh, neighbour, you do not conceit me; not the jack of the clockhouse, the hand of the dial, I mean. Come, I

A firm match! But, stay, sir, now I consider it, I shall add a year to your wife's age. Let me see:

[Scirophorion] the 17, and now 'tis [Hecatombaion] the 11. If I alter this, your wife will have but a month to

Nay, sir, I would have you keep counsel, for I lose my money by it, and should be laughed at for my labour if

[Writing in the chronicle] Well, sir, there! 'Tis done, as perfect 39 as can be found in black and white. But,

Ay, sir, I know that better men than you have been thrown over the bar for as little. The best is, you can be

Oh, Gnothos, how is it? Here's a trick of discarded cards of us; we were ranked with coats as long as our old

Yes, faith, this is the end of servingmen. A wise man were better serve one God than all the men in the

'Twas well spoke of a cook. And are all fallen into fasting days and ember weeks, that cooks are out of use?

And all tailors will be cut into lists and shreds. If this world hold, we shall grow both out of request.

And why not butlers as well as tailors? If they can go naked, let 'em neither eat nor drink.

That's strange, methinks, a lord should turn away his tailor of all men. And how dost thou, tailor?

I do soso. But, indeed, all our wants are long of this publican, my lord's bailiff, for had he been

rentgatherer still, our places had held together still that are now seamrent, nay, cracked in the whole piece.

Sir, if my lord had not sold his lands that claim his rents, I should still have been the rentgatherer.

The truth is, except the coachman and the footman, all servingmen are out of request.

Nay, say not so, for you were never in more request than now, for requesting is but a kind of begging; for

when you say, "I beseech your worship's charity," 'tis all one if you say I request it, and in that kind of

Troth, he say true. Well, let that pass, we are upon a better adventure. I see, Gnothos, you have been before

Nay, we have looked out our wives already. Marry, to you we come to know the prices, that is, to know their

ages; for so much reverence we bear to age, that the more aged they shall be the more dear to us.

The truth is, every man has laid by his widow; so they be lame enough, blind enough, and old [enough], 'tis

[They give the Clerk money; he consults the chronicle and writes the names of old widows on a separate

The butler before the cook, while you live; there's few that eat before they drink in a morning.

Nay, then the tailor puts in his needle of priority, for men do clothe themselves before they either drink or eat.

I will strive for no place. The longer ere I marry my wife, the older she will be, and nearer her end and my

I commend you modesty, sir; you are a bailiff whose place is to come behind other men, as it were, in the

Alack! No, sir, I am a married man and have those cares upon me that you would fain run into.

Troth, sir, I'll put a venture with you, if you will. I have a lusty old quean to my wife, sound of wind and

limb, yet I'll give out to take three for one at the marriage of my second wife.

Take that at hazard, sir; there must be time, you know, to get a new. Unsight, unseen, I take three to one.

I shall be fitted bravely: fiftyeight and upwards; 'tis but a year and a half, and I may chance make friends

Hey, boys, I am made Sir Butler! My wife that shall be wants but two months of her time. It shall be one ere I

I outstrip you all! I shall have but six weeks of Lent if I get my widow, and then comes eatingtide, plump

Now comes my turn, I hope, goodman finis, you that are still at the end of all with a "so be it." Well now,

sirs, do you venture there as I have done, and I'll venture here after you. Good luck, I beseech thee!

That deserves a fee already. [Gives him money.] There 'tis. Please me and have a better.

You have a fair match; I offer you no foul one. If death make not haste to call her, she'll make none to go to

Nay, then we have made a good match on it. If she have no forward disease, the woman may live this dozen

So we must all, for he that goes awooing to a widow without a weapon will never get her.

'Tis for thy sake, sweet wife. Who would think so lusty an old woman, with reasonable good teeth, and her

tongue in as perfect use as ever it was, should be so near her time? But the fates will have it so.

Ay, alas! I see thou hast been repairing time as well as thou couldst; the old wrinkles are well filled up, but

the vermillion is seen too thick, too thick, and I read what's written in thy forehead. It agrees with the

Out, alas! I hope there's more than so. But do you not think a reprieve might be gotten for half a score? And

'twere but five year, I would not care; an able woman, methinks, were to be pitied.

Ay, to be pitied, but not helped, no hope of that; for, indeed, women have so blemished their own reputations

There's so many of you that, when you are old, become witches: some profess physic and kill good subjects

faster than a burning fever; and then schoolmistresses of the sweet sin, which commonly we call bawds,

innumerable of that sort; for these and such causes 'tis thought they shall not live above fifty.

Ay, faith, you are so like one another that a man cannot distinguish 'em now. Were I an old woman, I would

desire to go before my time, and offer myself willingly two or three years before. Oh, those are brave women

and worthy to be commended of all men in the world, that when their husbands die, they run to be burnt to

Ay, if her husband were dead before, 'twere a reasonable request. If you were dead, I could be content to be

No, I do not speak to that purpose, but I say what credit it were for me and thee if thou wouldst, then thou

shouldst never be suspected for a witch, a physician, a bawd, or any of those things, and then how daintily

should I mourn for thee, how bravely should I see thee buried. When, alas, if he goes before, it cannot choose

but be a great grief to him to think he has not seen his wife well buried. There be such virtuous women in the

world, but too few, too few, who desire to die seven years before their time with all their hearts.

I have not the heart to be of that mind. But, indeed, husband, I think you would have me gone.

No, alas! I speak but for your good and your credit, for when a woman may died quickly, why should she go

to law for her death? Alack! I need not wish thee gone for thou hast but a short time to stay with me; you do

Ay, so, if thou wouldst go away quietly, 'twere sweetly done and like a kind wife. Lie but a little longer and

Alas, why wouldst thou come back again for a month? [Aside] I'll throw her down again.Oh, woman, 'tis

I would make haste to the sexton now, but I'm afraid the tolling of the bell will wake her again. If she be so

Alas, I could not find in my heart to hold thee by thy nose, or box thy cheeks; it goes against my conscience.

What a spite's this, that a man cannot persuade his wife to die in any time with her good will! I have another

bespoke already. Though a piece of old beef will serve to breakfast, yet a man would be glad of a chicken to

supper. The clerk, I hope, understands no Hebrew and cannot write backward what he hath writ forward

[Looking in a mirror, to himself] Ah, sirrah! My young boys, I shall be for you.

Enter [Gnothos the] Clown, Butler, Bailiff, Tailor, Cook, Drawer, [and Siren the] Wench.

My widow's a' the spit and half ready, lad. A turn or two more, and I have done with her.

And stuck her with rosemary too, to sweeten her; she was tainted ere she came to my hands. What an old

piece of flesh of fiftynine, eleven months and upwards! She must needs be flyblown.

By and by! Here, gentlemen, here's the quintessence of Greece; the sages never drunk better grape.

Sir, the mad Greeks of this age can taste their Palermo as well as the sage Greeks did before 'em. Fill,

My friends, I must doubly invite you all, the fifth of the next month, to the funeral of my first wife and to the

I hope some of us will be ready for the funeral of our wives by that time to go with thee; but shall they be

Oh, best of all, sir! Where sorrow and joy meet together, one will help away with another the better. Besides,

there will be charges saved too; the same rosemary that serves for the funeral will serve for the wedding.

Some half an hour; long enough for a conscience! Come, come, let's have some agility: is there no music in

Oh, that makes them and you seldom part; you are winedrawers and they wiredrawers.

But the heads of your instruments differ; yours are hogsheads, their[s] cittern and gitternheads.

Do not I know our own countrywomen? Siren and Nell of Greece, two of the fairest Greeks that ever were.

As long as she tarried with her husband, she was Ellen; but after she came to Troy, she was Nell of Troy, or

She grew longer, if you mark the story. When she grew to be an ell, she was deeper than any yard of Troy

could reach by a quarter. There was Cressid was Troy weight, and Nell was haberdepoise; she held more by

True, she was wounded there herself and cured again by plaster of Paris, and ever since that has been used to

Gentlemen, if you be disposed to be merry, the music is ready to strike up and here's a consort of mad

Greeks. I know not whether they be men or women, or between both: they have whatyoucall'em,

They desire to enter amongst any merry company of gentlemen goodfellows for a strain or two.

The dance of old women masked; then [they] offer to take the men [out]. They agree all but Gnothos; he sits

Ay, so kind! Then everyone his wench to his several room. Gnothos, we are all provided now, as you are.

Yes, 'tis I! All the rest have gulled themselves and taken their own wives; and shall know that they have done

Faith, thus should I do if thou were dead, old Ag, and thou has not long to live, I'm sure. We have Siren here.

No, Ag, I do prize her far above thy nose. If thou wouldst lay me both thine eyes in my hand to boot, I'll not

leave her. Art not ashamed to be seen in a tavern, and hast scarce a fortnight to live? Oh, old woman, what art

[To Siren] And then, sweetheart, thou shalt have two new gowns, and the best of this old, old woman's shall

Her ruffs will serve thee for nothing but to wash dishes, for thou shalt have nine of the new fashion.

Dar'st thou call my wife strumpet, thou preterpluperfect tense of a woman? I'll make thee do penance in the

[Aside] No, unkind villain, I'll deceive thee yet!I have a reprieve for five years of life: I am with child!

Cud, so, Gnothos; I'll not tarry so long! Five years! I may bury two husbands by that time.

Alas, give the poor woman leave to talk. She with child? Ay, with a puppy! As long as I have thee by me, she

Oh, you'd be stoned to death, would you? All old women would die a' that fashion with all their hearts, but

Away, away, some botcher has got it; 'tis but a cushion, I warrant thee. The old woman is loath to depart; she

Go, go thy ways, thou old almanac at the twentyeighth day of December, even almost out of date! Down on

thy knees and make thee ready. Sell some of thy clothes to buy thee a death's head and put upon thy middle

finger; your least considering bawd doe[s] so much; be not thou worse, though thou art an old woman as she

is. I am cloyed with old stockfish; here's a young perch is sweeter meat by half. Prithee, die before thy day if

No, thou art a witch and I'll prove it. I said I was with child; thou knew'st no other but by sorcery. Thou saidst

it was a cushion, and so it is! [Drops the cushion from beneath her gown.] Thou art a witch for it; I'll be

Ha, ha, ha; I told thee 'twas a cushion! Go get thy sheet ready; we'll see thee buried as we go to the church to

Nay, I'll follow thee and show myself a wife. I'll plague thee as long as I live with thee, and I'll bury some

I would you'd seized upon him a minute sooner; it had saved me a cut finger. I wonder how I came by it, for I

never put my hand forth, I'm sure. I think my own sword did cut it, if truth were known; maybe the wire in

the handle. I have lived these fiveandtwenty years and never knew what colour my blood was before. I

You'll prove a bawdy bachelor, Sim, to have a cut upon your finger before you are married.

[Exit Lisander, led off by guard. Enter a guard with Cleanthes, Hippolita weeping after him.]

[Cleanthes, Lisander, Leonides and Creon change places with Simonides and the Courtiers.]

Oh, a pox! I saw him the first thing I looked on. Alive again! 'Slight, I believe now a father hath as many

[Reading] "It is decreed by the grave and learned council of Epire, that no son and heir shall be held capable

of his inheritance at the age of oneandtwenty unless he be at that time as [mature] in obedience, manners,

Sure I shall never be at full age then, though I live to an hundred years, and that's nearer by twenty than the

"Moreover is enacted that all sons aforesaid, whom either this law, or their own grace, shall reduce into the

true method of duty, virtue, and affection, relate their trial and approbation from Cleanthes, the son of

"Whom for his manifest virtues, we make such judge and censure of youth, and the absolute reference of life

This is a brave world! When a man should be selling land, he must be learning manners. It is not, my

"Lastly, it is ordained that all such wives now whatsoever that shall design the[ir] husbands' death to be soon

You had best read that a little louder, for if anything, that will bring her to herself again, and find her tongue.

"Shall not presume, on the penalty of our heavy displeasure, to marry within ten years after."

"And those incontinent women so offending, to be judge[d] and censured by Hippolita, wife to Cleanthes."

Enter [Gnothos the] Clown and [Siren the] Wench, the rest [Cook, Butler, Bailiff, Tailor] with the old women

and [Agatha] the Clown's wife [accompanied by fiddlers]; music, and a bridecake to the wedding.

Fiddlers, crowd on, crowd on; let no man lay a block in your way. Crowd on, I say!

The duke? As he is my sovereign, I do give him two crowns for it, and that's equal change all the world over.

As I am lord of the day, being my marriage day the second, I do advance bonnet. Crowd on afore!

I think so, my lord, and good reason too. Shall not I stay when your grace says I shall? I were unworthy to be

a bridegroom in any part of your highness' dominions then. Will it please you to taste of the wedlock

This is my twoforone that must be uxor uxoris, the remedy doloris, and the very syceum amoris.

As the destiny of the day falls out, my lord, one goes out to wedding, another goes to hanging. And your

grace, in the due consideration, shalt find 'em much alike; the one hath the ring upon her finger, the other a

halter about her neck. "I take thee, Beatrice," says the bridegroom. "I take thee, Agatha," says the hangman.

If further your grace examine it, you shall find I show myself a dutiful subject and obedient to the law.

Myself, with these my good friends and your good subjects, our old wives whose days are ripe and their lives

forfeit to the law: only myself, more forward than the rest, am already provided of my second choice.

Oh, take heed, sir; you'll run yourself into danger if the law finds you with two wives at once. There's a

I have taken leave of the old, my lord; I have nothing to say to her: she's going to sea. Your grace knows

whither better than I do. She has a strong wind with her; it stands full in her poop. When you please, let her

And the rest of her neighbours with her, whom we present to the satisfaction of your highness' law.

Alas, she'll be dead before we can get to church, if your grace would set her in the way. I would dispatch her;

I have a venture on it which would return me, if your highness would make a little more haste, two for one.

[Aside to Gnothos] Take heed, Gnothos, if you move the duke's patience; 'tis an edge tool: but a work and a

[Aside to Cook] Cut off my head? Away, ignorant! He knows it costs more in the hair; he does not use to cut

off many such heads as mine. I will talk to him too. If he cut off my head, I'll give him my ears. I say my wife

is at full age for the law. The clerk shall take his oath and the churchbook shall be sworn too.

Ye are good old men and talk as age will give you leave. I would speak with the youthful duke himself; he

and I may speak of things that shall be thirty of forty years after you are dead and rotten. Alas, you are here

I'll talk further with your grace when I come back from church. In the meantime, you know what to do with

Nay, by my troth, we'll venture still, and I'm sure we have as ill a venture of it as you, for we have taken old

wives of purpose, where that we had thought to have put away at this market, and now we cannot utter a

Ay, we have deserved our pardons if we can live honestly with such reverend wives that have no motion in

I will weep two salt of [my] nose, besides these two fountains of fresh water. Your grace had been more kind

to your young subjects. Heaven bless and mend your laws that they do not gull your poor country men [in

this] fashion. But I am not the first by forty that has been undone by the law; 'tis but a folly to stand upon

terms. I take my leave of your grace, as well as mine eyes will give me leave. I would they had been asleep in

I followed the fashion, sir, as other young men did. If you [were] as we thought you had been, we should

ne'er have come for this, I warrant you. We did not feed, after the old fashion, on beef and mutton and such

[To servants] Well, what damage or charge you have run yourselves into by marriage, I cannot help, nor

deliver you from your wives: them you must keep. Yourselves shall again retain to me.

We thank your lordship for your love, and must thank ourselves for our bad bargains.

I had ne'er thought to have been brought so low as my knees again, but, since there's no remedy Fathers,

reverend fathers, as you ever hope to have good sons and heirs, a handful of pity! We confess we have

deserved more than we are willing to receive at your hands, though sons can never deserve too much of their

Alas, sir, you see a good pattern for that! Now we have laid by our high and lusty meats and are down to our

[Aside] If these be weeds, I'm afraid I shall wear none so good again as long as my father lives.