The Phoenix.........................................................................................................................................................1

Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1

[I.i. A chamber in the palace of the Duke of Ferrara] .............................................................................1

[II.i. A room in the inn] ..........................................................................................................................29

[III.i. Falso's House] ...............................................................................................................................51

[IV.i. A street before the Jeweller's house and the Court of Law] .........................................................61

[V.i. The presence chamber in the Duke of Ferrara's palace] ................................................................77

Enter the old Duke of Ferrara, nobles, Proditor, Lussurioso, and Infesto, with attendants.

I can. And indeed a prince need no[t] travel farther than his own kingdom, if he apply himself faithfully,

worthy the glory of himself and expectation of others. And it would appear far nobler industry in him to

reform those fashions that are already in his country than to bring new ones in which have neither true form

nor fashion; to make his court an owl, city an ape, and the country a wolf preying upon the ridiculous pride of

either. And therefore I hold it a safer stern upon this lucky advantage, since my father is near his setting, and I

upon the eastern hill to take my rise, to look into the heart and bowels of this dukedom, and in disguise mark

So much have the complaints and suits of men seven, nay, seventeen years neglected, still interposed by coin

and great enemies, prevailed with my pity that I cannot otherwise think but there are infectious dealings to

most offices, and foul mysteries throughout all professions. And therefore I nothing doubt but to find travel

enough within myself, and experience, I fear, too much. Nor will I be curious to fit my body to the humblest

form and bearing, so the labour may be fruitful: for how can abuses that keep low come to the right view of a

prince unless his looks lie level with them, which else will be longest hid from him, he shall be the last man

'Sfoot, so would I myself, man. Give me my due; you know I ha' sworn all heaven over and over?

But when there are more women, more common, pretty sweethearts, than ever any age could boast of

And I to play the artificer and marry: to have my wife dance at home, and my ship at sea, and both take in salt

How? Is there any such fortunate man breathing? And I so miserable to live honest! I envy thee, lieutenant, I

envy thee, that thou art such a happy knave. Here's my hand among you, share it equally: I'll to sea with you.

What lustful passion came aboard of me that I should marry; was I drunk? Yet that cannot altogether hold, for

it was four o'clock i' th' morning; had it been five, I would ha' sworn it. That a man is in danger every minute

to be cast away, without he have an extraordinary pilot that can perform more than a man can do! And to say

truth, too, when I'm abroad, what can I do at home? No man living can reach so far. And what a horrible

thing 'twould be to have horns brought me at sea, to look as if the devil were i' th' ship! And all the great

tempests would be thought of my raising: to be the general curse of all merchants! And yet they likely are as

deep in as myself, and that's a comfort. Oh, that a captain should live to be married! Nay, I that have been

such a gallant saltthief should yet live to be married. What a fortunate elder brother is he, whose father

being a rammish plowman, himself a perfumed gentleman spending the labouring reek from his father's

nostrils in tobacco, the sweat of his father's body in monthly physic for his pretty, queasy harlot. He sows

apace, i' th' country; the tailor o'ertakes him i' th' city, so that oftentimes before the corn comes to earing, 'tis

up to the ears in high collars, and so at every harvest the reapers take pains for the mercers: ha! why this is

stirring happiness indeed. Would my father had held a plow so, and fed upon squeez'd curds and onions, that

I might have bath'd in sensuality! But he was too ruttish himself to let me thrive under him, consumed me

before he got me, and that makes me so wretched now to be shackled with a wife, and not greatly rich,

Is it to be believ'd? I promise you, my lord, then I begin to fear him myself; that fellow will undo him. I durst

undertake to corrupt him with twelvepence over and above, and that's a small matter; h'as a whorish

conscience; he's an inseparable knave, and I could ne'er speak well of that fellow.

All we of the younger house, I can tell you, do doubt him much. The lady's remov'd: shall we have your

'Tis a sign we shall live i' th' world. Oh, tempests and whirlwinds! Who but that man whom the forefinger

cannot daunt, that makes his shame his living, who but that man, I say, could endure to be throughly married?

Nothing but a divorce can relieve me: any way to be rid of her would rid my torment. If all means fall, I'll kill

or poison her and purge my fault at sea. But first I'll make gentle try of a divorce: but how shall I accuse her

subtle honesty? I'll attach this lord's coming to her, take hold of that, ask counsel: and now I remember, I

have acquaintance with an old, crafty client, who, by the puzzle of suits and shifting of courts, has more tricks

and startingholes than the dizzy pates of fifteen attorneys; one that has been muzzled in law like a bear, and

I beseech your lordship, cease in this; 'tis never to be granted. If you come as a friend unto my honour and my

Their wenches, I mean, sir; for your worship knows that those that are under men are beasts.

Who, he? As arrant a crafty fellow as e'er made water on horseback: some say he's as good as a lawyer;

marry, I'm sure he's as bad as a knave. If you have any suits in law, he's the fittest man for your company;

he's been so [towed] and lugg'd himself that he is able to afford you more knavish counsel for ten groats than

Your worship begins to talk idly; your bed shall be made presently: if we should not lodge knaves, I wonder

how we should be able to live honestly. Are there honest men enough, think you, in a termtime to fill all the

inns in the town? And, as far as I can see, a knave's gelding eats no more hay than an honest man's; nay, a

thief's gelding eats less, I'll stand to't, his master allows him a better ordinary. Yet I have my eightpence, day

and night. 'Twere more for our profit, I wus, you were all thieves, if you were so contented. I shall be called

This should be some old, busy, turbulent fellow: villainous lawworn, that eats holes into poor men's causes.

Non declaravit adversarius, sayst thou? What a villain's that! I have a trick to do thee good: I will get thee out

That will make him declare, to his sore grief; I thank your good worship. But put case he do declare?

Non ad judicium? Do you fear corruption? Then I'll relieve you again. You shall get a supersedeas non

[Giving him money] Please you, sir, to dissolve this into wine, ale, or beer. I come a hundred mile to you, I

Nay, you shall always find me a sound card; I stood not a' th' pillory for nothing in eightyeight, all the world

Why, then, thy best course shall be to lay out more money, take out a procedendo, and bring down the cause

As for the other party, let the audita querela alone; take me out a special supplicavit, which will cost you

enough, and then you pepper him. For the first party, after the procedendo you'll get costs; the cause being

found, you'll have a judgment; nunc pro tunc, you'll get a venire facias to warn your jury, a decem tales to fill

Oh, my old admirable fellow, how have I all this while thirsted to salute thee! I knew thee in octavo of the

Still in law? I had not breath'd else now; 'tis very marrow, very manna to me to be in law: I'd been dead ere

this else. I have found such sweet pleasure in the vexation of others that I could wish my years over and over

again, to see that fellow a beggar, that bawling knave a gentleman, a matter brought e'en to a judgment today,

as far as e'er 'twas to begin again tomorrow. Oh, raptures! Here a writ of demur, there a procedendo, here a

I have been a termtrotter myself any time this five and forty years: a goodly time and a gracious: in which

space I ha' been at least sixteen times beggar'd, and got up again; and in the mire again, that I have stunk

You see it apparently; I cannot hide it from you. Nay, more, in felici hora be it spoken, you see i' me old, yet

A stake pull'd out of my hedge, there's one; I was well beaten, I remember, that's two; I took one abed with

my wife again her will, that's three; I was call'd cuckold for my labor, that's four; I took another bed again,

that's five; then one called me wittol, that's six; he kill'd my dog for barking, seven; my maidservant was

knock'd at that time, eight; my wife miscarried with a push, nine; and sic de ceteris. I have so vex'd and

beggar'd the whole parish with process, subpoenas, and suchlike molestations, they are not able to spare so

much ready money from a term as would set up a new weathercock; the churchwardens are fain to go to law

And I so fetch up all the men every termtime, that 'tis impossible to be at civil cuckoldry within ourselves,

Nay, an excellent stratagem. But of all, I most wonder at the continual substance of thy wit, that, having had

Why do you so much wonder at that? Why, this is my course: my mare and I come up some five days before

By which advantage I dive into countrymen's causes; furnish 'em with knavish counsel, little to their profit;

buzzing into their ears this course, that writ, this office, that ultimum refugiumas you know, I have words

Enow i' law, no matter for conscience. For which busy and laborious sweating courtesy they cannot choose

Another special trick I have, nobody must know it, which is to prefer most of those men to one attorney

whom I affect best, to answer which kindness of mine he will sweat the better in my cause and do them the

less good; take't of my word, I help'd my attorney to more clients the last term than he will dispatch all his

For me? A man of war? A man of law is fit for a man of war: we have no leisure to say prayers; we both kill

The divorce shall rest then, and the five hundred crowns shall stand in full force and virtue.

Why, thus am I sought after by all professions. Here's a weatherbeaten captain, who, not long since new

married to a lady widow, would now fain have sued a divorce between her and him, but that her honesty is

his only hindrance: to be rid of which, he does determine to turn her into white money; and there's a lord, his

His wife? Ay, by th' mass, he would sell his soul if he knew what merchant would lay out money upon't; and

Non audivisti, didst ne'er hear of that trick? Why, Pistor, a baker, sold his wife t'other day to a cheesemonger,

that made cake and cheese; nother to a cofferer; a third to a common player: why, you see 'tis common. Ne'er

fear the Captain; he has not so much wit to be a precedent himself. I promis'd to furnish him with an odd

scrivener of mine own, to draw the bargain and sale of his lady. Your horses stored here, gentlemen?

Certain, forsooth; I am sure I saw him out of the barber's shop window ere I would come away.

A barber's shop? Oh, he's a trim knight! Would he venture his body into a barber's shop, when he knows 'tis

as dangerous as a piece of Ireland? Oh, yonder, yonder, he comes! Get you back again, and look you say as I

My Pleasure, welcome! I have got single; none but you shall accompany me to the justice of peace, my

My father? I'faith, sir, ay; simply though I stand here a citizen's wife, I am a justice of peace's daughter.

Why, then, let him run a little before, I beseech thee, for o'my troth, he will discover us else.

What an idle question's that? Why, do you think I cannot make room for you in my father's house as well as

Only to grant your worship's warrant, which is of sufficient force to compel him.

No, by my faith! You shall not have me in that trap: am I sworn justice of peace, and shall I give my warrant

to fetch a man against his will? Why, there the peace is broken. We must do all quietly; if he come he's

welcome, and, as far as I can see yet, he's a fool to be absent; ay, by this gold is he[Aside] which he gave

Sir, the world esteems it a common favour, upon the contempt of the party, the justice to grant his warrant.

Ay, 'tis so common, 'tis the worse again; 'twere the better for me 'twere otherwise.

I protest, sir, and this gentleman can say as much, it lies upon my half undoing.

I beseech your worship show me your immediate favour, and accept this small trifle but as a remembrance to

But, I pray, tell me now, did the party viva voce, with his own mouth, deliver that contempt, that he would

And do you think it stood with my credit to put up such an abuse? Will he not appear, says he? I'll make him

Draw me a stronglimb'd warrant for the gentleman speedily; he will be bountiful to thee. Go and thank him

Ay, ay, prithee do. Two angels one party, four another: and I think it a great spark of wisdom and policy, if a

man come to me for justice, first to know his griefs by his fees, which be light and which be heavy; he may

counterfeit else, and make me do justice for nothing. I like not that, for when I mean to be just, let me be paid

How now, what's the news, thou art come so hastily? How fares my knightly brother?

Troth, he ne'er fared worse in his life, sir; he ne'er had less stomach to his meat since I knew him.

Newly deceas'd, I can assure your worship: the tobaccopipe new dropp'd out of his mouth before I took

horse, a shrewd sign; I knew then there was no way but one with him. The poor pipe was the last man he took

leave of in this world, who fell in three pieces before him and seem'd to mourn inwardly, for it look'd as black

No, I'll say that for him, sir; he died in the perfect state of memory, made your worship his full and whole

executor, bequeathing his daughter and with her all his wealth only to your disposition.

Did he make such a godly end, sayest thou? Did he die so comfortably, and bequeath all to me?

What a precious joy and comfort's this, that a justice's brother can die so well, nay, in such a good and happy

memory, to make me full executor. Well, he was too honest to live, and that made him die so soon. Now, I

beshrew my heart, I am glad he's in heaven; he's left all his cares and troubles with me, and that great

vexation of telling of money: yet I hope he had so much grace to turn his white money into gold, a great ease

Ah, my sweet niece, let me kiss thee and drop a tear between thy lips! One tear from an old man is a great

matter; the cooks of age are dry. Thou hast lost a virtuous father, to gain a notable uncle.

Not, sir? More's the pity; by my faith, better men than you are, but a great many worse: you see I have been a

scholar in my time, though I'm a justice now. Niece, you're most happily welcome; the charge of you is

wholly and solely mine own: and since you are so fortunately come, Niece, I'll rest a perpetual widower.

[Reading the will] I make my brother," says he, "full and whole executor": honestly done of him, i'faith!

Seldom can a man get such a brother. And here again, says he, very virtuously, "I bequeath all to him and his

disposing": an excellent fellow, o' my troth, would you might all die no worse, gentlemen!

You're most soberly welcome, sir. Daughter, you've that ye kneel for; rise, salute your weeping cousin.

[Aside] Eye to weeping is very proper, and so is the party that spake it, believe me, a pretty, fine, slender,

[Reading the will] "If she marry by your consent, choice and liking, make her dowry five thousand

crowns"[Aside] hum, five thousand crowns? Therefore by my consent she shall ne'er marry; I will neither

[Aside] Now, by the pleasure of my blood, a pretty cousin! I would not care if I were as near kin to her as I

Is he but a knight? Troth, I would a' sworn he'd been a gentleman, to see, to see, to see.

I'll swear then he is his brother indeed, and by the surer side. I crave hearty pardon, sweet kinsman, that thou

I have stable for thy horse, chamber for thyself, and a loft above for thy lousy lackey:

Fear not me, Fidelio; become you that invisible ropemaker, the scrivener, that binds a man as he walks, yet

all his joints at liberty, as well as I'll fit that common folly of gentry, the easyaffecting venturer, and no

Chaste duty, my lord, works powerfully in me; and rather than the poor lady my mother should fall upon the

common side of rumour to beggar her name, I would not only undergo all habits, offices, disguis'd

professions, though e'en opposite to the temper my blood holds, but, in the stainless quarrel of her reputation,

I love thee wealthier, thou hast a noble touch; and by this means, which is the only safe means to preserve thy

mother from such an ugly land and seamonster as a counterfeit captain is, he resigning and basely selling

all his estate, title, right, and interest in his lady, as the form of the writing shall testify,

[Aside] Fine shepolicy! She makes my back her bolster, but before my face she not endures him. Tricks!

Fah! Wherefore serves modesty but to pleasure a lady now and then, and help her from suspect? That's the

And make what haste I can to my ship, I durst wager you'll be under sail before me.

Ay, a very pleasant voyage as can be. I see the hour is ripe: here comes the prison's bawd, the bondmaker,

[Aside] Ay, to keep from you. [To Captain] Hear you me, Captain? I have a certain generous itch, sir, to lose

Is your venture three hundred? You're very preciously welcome; here's a voyage toward will make us all

[Aside to Proditor] Fear him not, my lord, he's a gull, he ventures with me; some filthy farmer's son: the

[Aside to Captain] Yet he should be a Jew, too, for he is new come from giving over swine.

[Reads] "To all good and honest Christian people, to whom this present writing shall come: know you for a

certain, that I, Captain, for and in the consideration the sum of five hundred crowns, have clearly bargained,

sold, given, granted, assigned, and set over, and by these presents do clearly bargain, sell, give, grant, assign,

and set over, all the right, estate, title, interest, demand, possession, and term of years to come, which I the

"In and to Madonna Castiza, my most virtuous, modest, loving, and obedient wife"

"Together with all and singular those admirable qualities with which her noble breast is furnished."

"In primis, the beauties of her mind, chastity, temperance, and above all, patience"

"Excellent in the best of music, in voice delicious, in conference wise and pleasing, of age contentful, neither

You have bought as lovely a pennyworth, my lord, as e'er you bought in your life.

I could not afford her so, i'faith, but that I am going to sea, and have need of money.

I read as the words move me; yet if that be a fault, it shall be seen no more: "which said Madonna Castiza

Nineteen. Occupation? Pox on't, out with "occupation," a captain is of no occupation, man.

Former sales?nine and twenty, thirtyby my troth, my lord, this is the first time that ever I sold her.

"And furthermore, I the said, of and for the consideration of the sum of five hundred crowns to set me aboard,

before these presents, utterly disclaim forever any title, estate, right, interest, demand, or possession, in or to

"As also neither to touch, attempt, molest, or encumber any part or parts whatsoever, either to be named or

not to be named, either hidden or unhidden, either those that boldly look abroad, or those that dare not show

Faces? I know what you mean by faces: scrivener, there's a great figure in faces.

"In witness whereof, I the said Captain have interchangeably set to my hand and seal, in presence of all these,

Very good, sir, I'll be ready for you presentlyfour hundred and twenty, one, two, three, four, five

I said how you should find it, Captain; and with this competent sum you rest amply contented?

'Sfoot, dost take me to be a penman? I protest I could ne'er write more than A B C, those three letters, in my

Would you have got further than A B C? [Aside] Ah, Base Captain: that's far enough, i'faith.

He? He shall; prithee come and set thy hand for witness, rogue. Thou shall venture with me?

[Aside] What a fair fist the pretty whoreson writes, as if he had had manners and bringing up: a farmer's son!

His father damns himself to sell musty corn, while he ventures the money; 'twill prosper well at sea, no doubt.

So, my lord, you have her; clip her, enjoy her, she's your own: and let me be proud to tell you now, my lord,

she's as good a soul, if a man had a mind to live honest and keep a wench, the kindest, sweetest,

Indeed, all our chief living, my lord, is by fools and knaves; we could not keep open shop else: fools that

And, as my memory happily leads me, I know a fellow of a standing estate, never flowing:

[Aside] Nay, you shall to sea, thou wouldst poison the whole land else. [To Captain] Why, how now,

What and they did, I sell none but mine own. As for the duke, he's abroad by this time, and for Fidelio, he's in

That's true. But let me tell you, Captain, whether the duke hear on't, or Fidelio know on't, or both, or neither,

I do beseech your ladyship not so much for pardon as to bestow a few of those crowns upon a poor,

unfeathered rover, that will as truly pray for you [aside] and wish you hang'das any man breathing.

Why, this is but the second time of your coming, kinsman; visit me oft'ner. Daughter, I charge you bring this

gentleman along with you: gentleman. I cry ye mercy, sir, I call you gentleman still, I forget you're but a

For your worship's kindness; worship. I cry you mercy, sir, I call you worshipful still, I forget you're but a

'Tis quickly done, sir; you see I make bold with you, kinsman, thrust my daughter and you into one chamber.

True, true, sir. Daughter, receive your blessing. [Aside to Jeweller's Wife] Take heed the coach jopper not too

Nay, father, though I say it, that should not say it, he looks to me more like a husband than a kinsman.

Nay, I can behave myself courtly, though I keep house i' th' country. What, does my niece hide herself? Not

A foolish, coy, bashful thing it is; she's afraid to lie with her own uncle. I'd do her no harm, i'faith; I keep

myself a widower o' purpose, yet the foolish girl will not look into't. She should have all, i'faith; she knows I

Oh, am I so? It does not appear so, for surely you would love your father's brother for your father's sake, your

Do you think your father's five thousand pound would ha' made me take you else? No, you should ne'er ha'

been a charge to me. As far as I can perceive yet by you, I've as much need to marry as e'er I had: would not

And what's a husband, is not a husband a stranger at first? And will you lie with a stranger before you lie with

your own uncle? Take heed what ye do, Niece, I counsel you for the best: strangers are drunken fellows, I can

tell you; they will come home late o' nights, beat their wives, and get nothing but girls! Look to't, if you

marry, your stubbornness is your dowry. Five thousand crowns were bequeathed to you, true, if you marry

with my consent; but if e'er you go to marrying by my consent, I'll go to hanging by yours. Go to, be wise and

Why, now you come to me, Niece; if your uncle be part of your own flesh and blood, is it not then fit your

Very good! O' my troth, my niece is valiant; she's made me richer by five thousand crowns, the price of her

dowry. Are you so honest? I do not fear but I shall have the conscience to keep you poor enough, Niece, or

Sir, there's an old fellow, a kind of lawdriver, entreats conference with your worship.

[To Suitor offstage] No, no, I say; if it be for defect of apparance, take me out a special significavit.

Then if he purchase an alias or capias, which are writs of custom, only to delay time, your procedendo does

you knight's service, that's nothing at all; get your distringas out as soon as you can for a jury.

My old master of fence: come, come, come, I have not exercis'd this twelve moons, I have almost forgot all

Nothing but this, sir, to set your worship's hand to the commendation of a knave whom nobody speaks well

What, what? Alas, poor knave! Give me the paper. He did but save the churchwardens a labour; come, come,

he has done a better deed in't than the parish is aware of, to prevent the knaves; he robs but seldom, they once

a quarter. Methinks 'twere a part of good justice to hang 'em at year's end, when they come out of their office,

Your worship would make a fruitful commonwealth'sman. The constable lets 'em alone, looks on, and says

Alas, good man, he lets 'em alone for quietness' sake, and takes half a share with 'em: they know well enough,

too, he has an impediment in his tongue; he's always drunk when he should speak.

Indeed, your worship speaks true in that, sir: they blind him with beer and make him so narroweyed that he

Nay, if it be but a vestry matter, visit me at any time, old Signior Lawthistle!

Oh, well done, here are the foils; come, come, sir, I'll try a lawbout with you.

Indeed, that same odd word "use" makes a man a good lawyer, and a woman an arrant. Tuh, tuh, tuh, tuh,

tuh! Now am I for you, sir; but first, to bring you into form, can your worship name all your weapons?

That I can, I hope. Let me see, longsword, what's longsword? I am so dull'd with doing justice that I have

Mass, that sword's long enough, indeed; I ha' known it reach the length of fifteen terms.

Oh, that's out of use now! Sword and buckler was call'd a good conscience, but that weapon's left long ago;

that was too manly a fight, too sound a weapon for these our days. 'Slid, we are scarce able to lift up a buckler

now, our arms are so bound to the pox; one good bang upon a buckler would make most of our gentlemen fly

i' pieces; 'tis not for these linty times. Our lawyers are good rapier and dagger men; they'll quickly dispatch

Indeed, since sword and buckler time, I have observ'd there has been nothing so much fighting; where be all

Oh, sir, the property's altered; you shall see less fighting every day than other, for every one gets him a

mistress, and she gives him wounds enow; and, you know, the surgeons cannot be here and there, too: if there

I lie in this court for you, sir; my rapier is my attorney, and my dagger his clerk.

'Tis but his proper colour, sir; his father was an iremonger. He will ne'er look brighter, the rust has so eat into

Then Jove will not be at leisure to scour him, because he ne'er came to him before.

Nay, very bad, sir, by my faith; I follow you still, as the officers will follow you as long as you have a penny.

You speak sentences, sir. By this time have I tried my friends, and now I thrust in bail.

This bail will not be taken, sir; they must be two citizens that are no cuckolds.

I like not this court, by'rlady. I take me out a writ of remove, a writ of remove, do you see, sir?

There you started me, sir; yet for all your demurs, pluries, sursurraras, which are all longswords, that's delays,

Let nine years pass, five hundred crowns cast away o' both sides, and the suit not twenty; my counsellor's

wife must have another hood, you know, and my attorney's wife will have a new forepart. Yet see at length

law, I shall have law. Now beware, I bring you to a narrow exigent, and by no means can you avoid the

Now follows a writ of execution: a capias utlagatum gives you a wound mortal, trips up your heels, and lays

I cry your worship heartily mercy, sir; I thought we had been in law together, adversarius contra adversarium,

'Twas 'long of your attorney there; he might o' stayed the execution of capias utlagatum, and remov'd you

Well, it shall teach me wit as long as I am a justice. I perceive by this trial, if a man have a sound fall in law,

Nay, that's recto upon record, for I myself was overthrown in eightyeight by a tailor, and I have had a stitch

Toward the close of the music, the justice's three men prepare for a robbery[, and exeunt]. Enter Justice Falso,

Why, Latronello, Furtivo, Fucato! Where be these lazy knaves that should truss me, not one stirring yet?

Hark, you sluggish soporiferous villains! There's knaves abroad when you are abed: are ye not asham'd on't?

Thieves! My twohand sword! I'm robb'd i' th' hall! Latronello, knaves, come down; my twohand sword, I

We forget our beards. [They take off their false beards.] Now, I beseech your worship, quickly remember us.

Four mark and a livery is not able to keep life and soul together: we must fly out once a quarter; 'tis for your

worship's credit to have money in our purse. Our fellow Furtivo is taken in the action.

They bring him along to your worship; you're the next justice. Now or never show yourself a good master, an

'Sfoot, what should he do here else? There's no coming to me in a true [one], if he had one. The slave to be

Upon Standanddeliver? The very gelding I choose for mine own riding; as nimble as Pegasus the flying

horse yonder. Go, shift yourselves into your coats; bring hither a great chair and a little table.

I'll draw a few horse heads in a paper, make a show: I hope I shall keep my countenance.

Pox on him again! Would he be taken? He frets me. I have been a youth myself; I ha' seen the day I could

have told money out of other men's pursesmass, so I can do nownor will I keep that fellow about me

that dares not bid a man stand: for as long as drunkenness is a vice, stand is a virtue. But I would not have 'em

taken. I remember now betimes in a morning, I would have peep'd through the green boughs, and have had

the party presently, and then to ride away finely in fear; 'twas e'en venery to me, i'faith, the pleasantest course

of life! One would think every W. a constable, and every owl an officer. But those days are past with

me; and, o' my troth, I think I am a greater thief now, and in no danger. I can take my ease, sit in my chair,

look in your faces now, and rob you; make you bring your money by authority, put off your hat, and thank

[Aside] Nay, I see thee through thy false beard, thou midwindchined rascal!How now, my masters,

This gentleman and myself, being led hither by occasion of business, have been offered the discourtesy of the

They both made away from us; the cry pursues 'em but as yet none but this taken.

By my troth, a pretty phrase and very cleanly handled! Put it down, Latronello; thou mayst make use on't. Is

Say you so, sir? Then we'll try him further. Does your right worshipful master go before you as an example of

vice, and so encourage you to this slinking iniquity? He is not a lawyer, is he?

H'as the more wrong, sir; both for his conscience and honesty, he deserves to be one.

I like him for one quality: he speaks well of his master; he will fare the better. Now, sir, let me touch you.

Why, serving a gentleman of such worship and wisdom, such sobriety and virtue, such discretion and

judgment as your master is, do you take such a beastly course to stop horses, hinder gentlewomen from their

meetings, and make citizens never ride but o' Sundays, only to avoid morning prayer and you? Is it because

your worshipful master feeds you with lean spits, pays you with Irish money, or clothes you in northern

Far be it from his mind, or my report. 'Tis well known he kept worshipful cheer the day of his wife's burial,

Receiving then such plenteous blessings from your virtuous and bountiful master, what cause have you to be

For alas, if the whole world were but of one trade, traffic were nothing; if we were all true men, we should be

of no trade. What a pitiful world would here be! Heaven forbid we should be all true men: then how should

your worship's next suit be made? not a tailor left in the land; of what stuff would you have it made? not a

merchant left to deliver it; would your worship go in that suit still? You would ha' more thieves about you

than those you have banish'd, and be glad to call the great ones home again to destroy the little.

O' my troth, a fine knave, and he's answered me gloriously. What wages wilt thou take after thou art hang'd?

More than your worship's able to give; I would think foul scorn to be a justice then.

[Aside] He says true, too, i'faith, for we are all full of corruption here.Hark you, my friends.

By my troth, if you were no crueller than I, I could find in my heart to let him go.

Nay, I did but to try you; if you have no pity, I'll ha' none. Away, he's a thief, to prison with him!

Are you content? Bring him back; nay, then, you shall not go. I'll be as cruel as you can wish. You're content?

For you, sir! What color's silver, I pray? You ne'er saw money in your life. I'll not trust you with him.

You desire that? I'll trust no prison with you; I'll make you lie in mine own house, or I'll know why I shall

You shall be hang'd out o' th' way. Away with him, Latronello and Fucato! Officers, I discharge you my

Lady: that word is worth an hundred angels at all times, for it cost more. If I live till tomorrow night, my

Come e'en much about this time, when taverns give up their ghosts, and gentlemen are in their first cast.

And do but whirl the ring o' th' door once about; my maidservant shall be taught to understand the language.

Ha? Whither have my thoughts conveyed me? I am now within the dizzy murmur of the law.

Now, now, now, now, now, upon my knees I praise Mercury, the god of law! I have two suits at issue, two

Beseech not thee, beseech not me! I am a mortal man, a client as you are; beseech not me!

Mad me not, torment me not, tear me not! You'll give me leave to hear mine own cause, mine own cause!

All the opprobrious speeches that man could invent, all malicious invectives, called wittol to his face

That's I, that's I; thank you, my learned counsel, for your good remembrance. I hope I shall overthrow him

Oh, cry thee mercy! Give me thy hand; fare thee well. He's no relief again me, then; his demurs will not help

Have I found thee, i'faith? I thought where I should smell thee out, old Tangle.

What, old [signior] justicer? Embrace me another time, an you can possible. How does all thy [wife's]

Sirrah, I ha' brought him to an exigent. Hark! That's my cause, that's my cause yonder! I twing'd him, I

Ah, get me a ne exeat regno quickly! Nay, you must not stay upon't, I'd fain have you gone.

Thou that hast vex'd and beggar'd the whole parish, and made the honest churchwardens go to law with the

Hear me, do but hear me! I pronounce a terrible, horrible curse upon you all, and wish you to my attorney!

See where a praemunire comes, a dedimus potestatem, and that most dreadful execution, excommunicato

capiendo! There's no bail to be taken; I shall rot in fifteen jails: make dice of my bones, and let my

counsellor's son play away his father's money with 'em; may my bones revenge my quarrel! A capias

comminus? Here, here, here, here; quickly dip your quills in my blood, off with my skin and write fourteen

lines of a side. There's an honest, conscionable fellow; he takes but ten shillings of a bellowsmender. Here's

another deals all with charity; you shall give him nothing, only his wife an embroidered petticoat, a gold

fringe for her tail, or a border for her head. Ah, sirrah, you shall catch me no more in the springe of your

Mad? Why, he is in his right wits: could he be madder than he was? If he be any way altered from what he

'Tis coming, my lord: a man so truly a man, so indifferently a creature; using the world in his right nature but

to tread upon; one that would not bruise the cowardliest enemy to man, the worm, that dares not show his

malice till we are dead. Nay, my lord, you will admire his temper! See where he comes.

Oh, master, master! Your abominable next neighbour came into the house, being half in drink, and took away

Let him go; trouble him not. Lock the door quietly after him, and have a safer care who comes in next.

But sir, might I advise you, in such a cause as this a man might boldly, nay, with conscience, go to law.

Oh, I'll give him the table too first! Better endure a fist than a sharp sword. I had rather they should pull off

[As they retire, Phoenix] jars the ring of the [Jeweller's] door; the Maid enters, catches him.

Oh, you're come as well as e'er you came in your life; my master's new gone to bed. Give me your knightly

hand: I must lead you into the blind parlour; my mistress will be down to you presently.

I tell you, our safest course will be to arrest him when he comes out o' th' tavern, for then he will be half

That he will, though he put it up again, which is more of his courtesy than of our deserving.

Here, sir, now you are there, sir; she'll come to you instantly. I must not stay you; my mistress would be

'Sfoot, [whither] am I led? Brought in by th' hand? I hope it can be no harm to stay for a woman, though

indeed they were never more dangerous. I have ventured hitherto and safe, and I now must venture to stay

now. This should be a fair room, but I see it not: the blind parlour calls it she?

Now out upon the marmoset! Hast thou serv'd me so long, and offer to bring in a candle?

[Aside] Fair room, villainous face, and worse woman! I ha' learnt something by a glimpse o' th' candle.

How happen'd it you came so soon? I look'd not for you these two hours. Yet, as the sweet chance is, you

He ne'er sent him anything since I knew him: he's a man of a bad nature to his wife; none but his maids can

Ay, judge whether I have a cause to be a courtesan or no? to do as I do? An elderly fellow as he is, if he were

married to a young virgin, he were able to break her heart, though he could break nothing else. Here, here,

there's just a hundred and fifty [giving money]; but I stole 'em so hardly from him, 'twould e'en have griev'd

Therefore, prithee, my sweet Pleasure, do not keep company so much. How do you think I am able to

maintain you? Though I be a jeweller's wife, jewels are like women, they rise and fall; we must be content to

lose sometimes to gain often: but you're content always to lose and never to gain. What need you ride with a

The grace? 'Tis sufficient grace that you've a horse to ride upon. You should think thus with yourself every

time you go to bed: if my head were laid, what would become of that horse? He would run a bad race then, as

No, if it were as much more, I would think it foul scorn to chide you. I advise you to be thrifty, to take the

time now while you have it; you shall seldom get such another fool as I am, I warrant you. Why, there's

Matreza Auriola keeps her love with half the cost that I am at; her friend can go afoot like a good husband,

No, I would not have you so base, neither: but now and then, when you keep your chamber, you might let

your footman out for eightpence aday; a great relief at year's end, I can tell you.

You made me believe at first the prince had you in great estimation, and would not offer to travel without

I'm sorry I said so, i'faith, but sure I was overflown when I spoke it: I could ne'er ha' said it else.

Nay, more: you swore to me that you were the first that taught him to ride a great horse, and tread the ring

By my troth, I must needs confess I swore a great lie in that, and I was a villain to do it, for I could ne'er ride

Why lo, who would love you now but a citizen's wife? So inconstant, so forsworn! You say women are false

creatures, but take away men and they'd be honester than you. Nay, last of all, which offends me most of all,

you told me you could countenance me at court, and you know we esteem a friend there more worth than a

I protest I will not keep it, but only use it for this virtue: as a token to fetch you and approve my power, where

That's you word indeed, and upon that condition take it, this kiss, and my love forever.

Adieu, farewell, to bed you, I to my sweet citybird, my precious Revenue: the very thought of a hundred

You have made us wait a goodly time for you, have you not, think you? You are in your rouses and

I drunk but one health, I protest, but I could void it now. At whose suit, I pray?

Argo. Nay, we have been scholars, I can tell you; we could not have been knaves so soon else: for as in that

notable city call'd London stand two most famous universities, Poultry and Woodstreet, where some are of

twenty years' standing, and have took all their degrees from the Master's side down to the Mistress' side, the

A notable lad, and worthy to be arrested! We'll have but ten for waiting, and then thou shalt choose whether

Why? You shall see; you should have but whirl'd the ring once about, and there's a maidservant brought up to

Her Pleasure? My mistress scorns to be without her pleasure at this time of night. Is she so void of friends,

The hundred and fifty angels are lock'd up in a box; we shall not see 'em tonight.

How's this? Am I used like a hundred pound gentleman? Damn me if ever I be her pleasure again! Well, I

Go prepare his room; there's no remedy. I'll bring him along; he's tame enough now.

And that's a question. Mass, here he goes! He shall not go to prison; I have a trick shall bail him. Away!

[Exit Drawer. The Gentleman puts his hands over the First Officer's eyes, while the Knight escapes.]

Who the devil are you? Let go! A pox on you! Who are you? I have lost my prisoner.

Prisoner? I've mistook; I cry you heartily mercy. I have done you infinite injury, o' my troth; I took you to be

Where were your eyes? Could you not see I was an officer? Stop, stop, stop, stop!

[Reads] "I have got such a large portion of knowledge, most worthy father, by the benefit of my travel"

[Reads] "That I am bold now to warn you of Lord Proditor's insolent treason, who has irreligiously seduc'd a

[Reads] "Against Lussurioso and Infesto, who not only most riotously consume their houses in vicious

gaming, mortgaging their livings to the merchant, whereby he with his heirs enter upon their lands; from

whence this abuse comes, that in short time the son of the merchant has more lordships than the son of the

nobleman, which else was never born to inheritance: but that which is more impious, they most adulterously

train out young ladies to midnight banquets, to the utter defamation of their own honours and ridiculous

I hope so, my lord; my name is in all the records, I can assure your good grace.

[Reads] "Who, having had the honest charge of his niece committed to his trust by the last will and testament

of her deceased father, and with her all the power of his wealth, not only against faith and conscience detains

[Reads] "And moreover, not contain'd in this vice only, which is odious too much, but against the sacred use

[Reads] "Who only take purses in their master's liberty, where if any one chance to be taken, he appears

[Reads] "And in the end will execute justice so cruelly upon him, that he will not trust him in a prison, but

[Aside] Can a man do nothing i' the country but 'tis told at court? There's some busy informing knave abroad,

[Aside] 'Slid, I was afraid of nothing but that for my thievery and bawdery I should have been turn'd to an

Who would not love a friend at court? What fine galleries and rooms am I brought through! I had thought my

I'm sure you are not so unprovided to be without a friend here: you'll pay enough for him first.

Your worship is too great for me to know: I'm but a smalltimbered woman when I'm out of my apparel, and

'Tis 'long of those, an't like your grace, that come in upon us, and will never leave marrying of our widows till

Let me have pardon, I beseech your grace, and I'll peach 'em all, all the close women that are; and upon my

'Sfoot, worse than I was before I kneel'd! I am no justice now; I know I shall be some innkeeper at last.

Your mittimus shall not serve: I'll set myself free with a deliberandum, with a deliberandum, mark you!

A judgment, I crave a judgment, yea! Nunc pro tunc, corruptione alicujus. I peep'd me a raven in the face,

Away! I'll have none on't; give me an audita querela, or a testificandum, or a dispatch in twelve terms: there's

Oh, an extent, a proclamation, a summons, a recognisance, a tachment, and injunction! A writ, a seizure, a