The Pursuit of the HouseBoat ..........................................................................................................................1

John Kendrick Bangs...............................................................................................................................1

CHAPTER I: THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION ............................................................1

CHAPTER III: THE SEARCHPARTY IS ORGANIZED................................................................12

CHAPTER IV: ON BOARD THE HOUSEBOAT ............................................................................16

CHAPTER V: A CONFERENCE ON DECK.....................................................................................20

CHAPTER VI: A CONFERENCE BELOWSTAIRS ........................................................................24

CHAPTER VII: THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED .......................................................................28

CHAPTER VIII: ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA".............................................................................32

CHAPTER IX: CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE ...................................................37

CHAPTER X: A WARNING ACCEPTED.........................................................................................42

CHAPTER XI: MAROONED ..............................................................................................................46

CHAPTER XII: THE ESCAPE AND THE END................................................................................50

The Houseboat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River Styx, as the reader may possibly

remember, had been torn from its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate

Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like a thief in the night

had they come, and for no better reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady

to associate with selfrespecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating clubhouse of their betters;

and worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair

Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strongminded and beautiful woman of Erebean

"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomed grace he presided over a special meeting

of the club, called on the bank of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been

moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every

precious jewel in our social diadem gone, vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men in the

"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's the use of going into hysterics?

You are not a woman, and should eschew that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant you that when

that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his

"But the Houseboat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my delight. It reminded me in some respects

"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retorted Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe

abroad I do not need a club to go to; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe

always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the finger."

"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar firmly, "therefore we are not all satisfied with the

situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here

"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All things considered, he is welcome to

Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart."

"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do something if it is only for the sake of

"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the matter of further action afterwards,"

suggested Shakespeare, and it was this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for

immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various favorite beverages it was found that

there were none to be had, it being Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were

licensed to be sold being closedfor at the time of writing the local government of Hades was in the hands

"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays? Then the Houseboat must be

recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not. Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This

"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ahpray speak in Greek hereafter, will you, please?

When you attempt English you have a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive

"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter. "Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer

if he pleases; he may even part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greater moment

"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat. I'm dry as a fish."

"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish, I'd like to know, is dry?"

"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the expense of the purist, in which even

Hamlet, who had grown more and more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.

"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now the point is, what?"

"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr. Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by

the things they go out to relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa; Bonaparte

can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may have North America; and"

"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr. Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put

wheels on this Houseboat of ours, and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"

"Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in the pleasurable pastime of taking the

"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in asking questions. You propose to go

looking for a houseboat in Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of it

through Europeall of which strikes me as nonsense. This search is the work of seadogs, not of

landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of China. What earthly use there is in

ransacking the earth I fail to see. What we need is a navel expedition to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well

understood in advance that we believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it for a

rollerskating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other purpose for which neither he nor it was

"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sitting upon the stringpiece of the pier,

quietly, but with very evident interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and excessively slender

shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," as Johnson put it afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the

honor of being a member of this association," the stranger continued, "but, like all wellordered shades, I

aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of this club. I fancy it will not take

us long to establish our initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully appropriated your

property to his own base uses does not contemplate removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere

inland. All the evidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my sole reason for

doubting the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a seafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The Houseboat

is not a house, but a boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well says, in the Sahara

Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of

"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by the stranger's manner as well as by the

"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for the purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither

the Houseboat has sailed, for what port, and start at once. Have you a model of the Houseboat within

"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the House Committee, rising, "but they

"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan that we should know about how fast the

"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with illconcealed sarcasm. "If you'll take Xanthippe's word for it, the

"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger, quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has

"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes upon Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible

"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?" asked Solomon, rising impatiently

and addressing Sir Walter. "We aren't preparing for a yachtrace, that I know of. Nobody's after a cup, or a

championship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back. The Captain hasn't taken more than

half of mine along with him, but I am interested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am

somewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this question

of speed in the Houseboat. It strikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we

"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson, dryly, "but I must say that the gentleman's

"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That ought to make him interesting to

"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water agrees with me, but it doesn't interest me.

What I do think, however, is that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we are

confronted, and he's going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensive fashion. I move, therefore, that

Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of theahof the wharf be extended indefinitely to our

"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom I have always admired, and

whose endurance as the husband of three hundred wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before

starting in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the purpose, and that in selecting

the pursuer it is quite essential that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire to

overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the Houseboat can sail four knots an hour to attempt to

overhaul her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour."

"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of your late clubhouse," said the stranger,

bowing courteously to Solomon. "Now, if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very

soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under favorable circumstances."

"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," said Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat

more heat than the occasion seemed to require. "As long as we are discussing the question I will take the

liberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designer of the Houseboat merely

appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear testimony to the truth of that statement."

"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am

perfectly willing to admit that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but with modifications

which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward and back in six days' less time than it would

have taken the Ark to cover the same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursion steamers

"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a flying balloonjib and a marlinespike, and

ballast the Ark with elephants until every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she'd outfoot you on

every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, and your Houseboat wouldn't be within

hailing distance of her five minutes after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a

"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius. "If these gentlemen cannot be made to

confine themselves to the subject that is agitating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have them

"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying to assist our friend on the stringpiece. I

was going to say that as the Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren'stub,

which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own

"I was going to say that this washtub could be overhauled by a launch or any other craft with a speed of

"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit," retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at

"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning to the angry architect to be quiet"not

that we take any side in the issue between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument I wish

to ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in our trouble what he proposes to dohow

"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly, addressing the stranger; "you will have

"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing by that act a select assortment of

"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd has gone to London."

"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play; it is fact. That cigar end was thrown aside

here on the wharf by Captain Kidd just before he stepped on board the Houseboat."

"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of the assertion, what does it prove?"

"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger, as the Associated Shades settled back to

hear his account of himself. "From my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked

ends of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in an old clay pipe which I had

presented to me by an ancient seacaptain of my acquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms,

even including these selfsame despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to my mind messages, sentiments,

farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your minds would never become manifest through their agency."

The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more compact mass about the speaker. It was

evident that they were beginning to feel an unusual interest in this extraordinary person, who had come

among them unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages for an instant to listen.

"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked stub of a cigar will suggest the story of

"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this one, for instance, that I have picked up here

upon the wharf; it tells me the whole story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utter

disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard your Houseboat, and, in his usual piratical fashion, made off

"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the part of wisdom to be suspicious of

"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The marks of two teeth, with a hiatus between,

which you will see if you look closely," said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter,

"make that point evident beyond peradventure. The Captain lost an eyetooth in one of his later raids; it was

knocked out by a marinespike which had been hurled at him by one of the crew of the treasureship he and

his followers had attacked. The adjacent teeth were broken, but not removed. The cigar end bears the marks

of those two jagged molars, with the hiatus, which, as I have indicated, is due to the destruction of the

eyetooth between them. It is not likely that there was another man in the pirate's crew with teeth exactly like

the commander's, therefore I say there can be no doubt that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself."

"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and fanning himself with it; "but I must

confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any properly constituted law court this evidence would long since have been

ruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or three hundred dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered

together to devise a means for the recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding the floor to

the delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on 'Cigar Ends He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the

extreme. Of what earthly interest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by Captain Kidd?"

"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the whereabouts of the said Kidd," interposed the

stranger. "It is by trifles, seeming trifles, that the greatest detective work is done. My friends Le Coq,

Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, however much in other respects our methods may

have differed. They left no stone unturned in the pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling, uncared

for. No more should we in the present instance overlook the minutest bit of evidence, however irrelevant and

absurd at first blush it may appear to be. The truth of what I say was very effectually proven in the strange

case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat conspicuously, but which have never made public,

because it involves a secret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest families in the British Empire. I really

believe that mystery was solved easily and at once because I happened to remember that the number of my

watch was 86507B. How trivial and yet how important it was, to what then transpired, you will realize when I

The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous and simultaneous movement upon the

part of all present to get up closer, so as the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of which poor old

Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell, with a loud splash into the Styx. Fortunately, however, one of

Charon's pleasureboats was close at hand, and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into

it, wrung out, and sent home to dry. The excitement attending this diversion having subsided, Solomon asked:

"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be understood that you are told in the strictest

confidence, for, as I say, the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In lifein the mortal

lifegentlemen, I was a detective by profession, and, if I do say it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the

most interesting for purely literary purposes that has ever been known. I did not find it necessary to go about

saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to advertise his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself

as a drummajor and hide under a kitchentable for the purpose of solving a mystery involving the abduction

of a parlor stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By mental concentration alone, without

fireworks or orchestral accompaniment of any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very

reason many of my fellowsleuths were forced to go out of real detective work into that line of the business

with which the stage has familiarized the most of usa line in which nothing but stupidity, luck, and a

"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned Hawkshaw, contemptuously.

"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le Coq, knowingly. "I have observed that the

greatest villains latterly have discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no avail,

"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman proceed, with all this conversation going on

"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost tiara," resumed the stranger. "Mental

concentration upon seemingly insignificant details alone enabled me to bring about the desired results in that

instance. A brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late one evening in the early spring of 1894. The

London season was at its height. Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full blast, when all

of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. A diamond tiara valued at 50,000 pounds

sterling had been stolen from the Duchess of Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society itself

and every individual in it under suspicioneven his Royal Highness the Prince himself, for he had danced

frequently with the Duchess, and was known to be a great admirer of her tiara. It was at halfpast eleven

o'clock at night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears. I had been spending the evening alone in

my library making notes for a second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was on the

point of going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath, when one of my servants, hastily

entering, informed me of the robbery. I changed my mind in respect to my midnight walk immediately upon

receipt of the news, for I knew that before one o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings with

reference to this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery of such magnitude could no more be taken

"They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of winged elephants. They flew from flower to

"Yesthat was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were great honeygatherers, those elephantsfar

better than the bees, because they could make so much more of it in a given time."

Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these antediluvians," he said.

"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions are inexcusable!"

"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm having about as hard a time getting this story

out as I would if it were a serial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop; but it must be

understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once and for all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of

dramatic climaxes to warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve months."

"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that within an hour, in some way or other, that case

would be placed in my hands. It would be mine either positively or negativelythat is to say, either the

person robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the diamonds, or the robber himself,

actuated by motives of selfpreservation, would endeavor to direct my energies into other channels until he

should have the time to dispose of his illgotten booty. A mental discussion of the probabilities inclined me

to believe that the latter would be the case. I reasoned in this fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank.

She cannot move rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It is probable that it will be a week

before, according to the etiquette by which she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the first

place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been robbed. He must communicate the news to the

functionary in charge of her residence, who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from him will

issue the orders to the police, who, baffled at every step, will finally address themselves to me. 'I'll give that

side two weeks,' I said. On the other hand, the robber: will he allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of

security by counting on this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of occasionally entering upon detective

enterprises of this nature of my own volition, come to me at once and set me to work ferreting out some

crime that has never been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, and I pulled out my watch to

see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive. The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham

Palace. 'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. It is now twelvetwenty. He should

be here by twelvefortyfive. I will wait.' And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the

meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. Hardly had I perused a page when there came a tap

upon my door. I rose with a smile, for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door, and there stood,

much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose tiara was missing. It was the Duke of Brokedale himself.

It is true he was disguised. His beard was powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of

green goggles; but I recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which is an unmistakable sign of

"'I am,' I replied. 'Come in. You have come to see me about your stolen watch. It is a gold huntingcase

watch with a Swiss movement; loses five minutes a day; stemwinder; and the back cover, which does not

bear any inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the molars of your son Willie when that interesting

"May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed. "Such penetration strikes me as

"I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile. "What I said was intended to be jocular, and to put

Brokedale at his ease. The Americans present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff. It was. I

merely rattled on. I simply did not wish to offend the gentleman by letting him know that I had penetrated his

disguise. Imagine my surprise, however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room with

such alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised his beard was shaken off on to the floor. Sitting

"For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely staggered. I had expected him to say at

once that he had not lost his watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him take my words

seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising. However, in view of his rank, I deemed it

well to fall in with his humour. 'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of my business. It is the detective's

place to know everything; and generally, if he reveals the machinery by means of which he reaches his

conclusions, he is a fool, since his method is his secret, and his secret his stockintrade. I do not mind

telling you, however, that I knew your watch was stolen by your anxious glance at my clock, which showed

that you wished to know the time. Now most rich Americans have watches for that purpose, and have no

hesitation about showing them. If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked at it, not at my clock.'

"My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a wonderful man.

"'Invariably go with an American's watch. Rubber or ivory rings aren't good enough for American babies to

"'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the height of the season,' I replied, thinking

that the jest would end there, and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the tiara. To my surprise,

"'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said. 'My name is Bunker. I am stopping at the Savoy. I AM an

American. I WAS rich when I arrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I was, now that I have

paid my first week's bill. I HAVE lost my watch; such a watch, too, as you describe, even to the dents. Your

only mistake was that the dents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannot but

wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike that it sometimes baffles even their mother to

tell them apart. The watch has no very great value intrinsically, but the associations are such that I want it

back, and I will pay 200 pounds for its recovery. I have no clew as to who took it. It was numbered'

"Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of the watch I had merely described my own, a very

cheap affair which I had won at a raffle. My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not on

the instant divine. No one would like to suspect him of having purloined his wife's tiara. Why should I not

deceive him, and at the same time get rid of my poor chronometer for a sum that exceeded its value a

"Excellent," he said. "I took the words right out of his mouth. 'It was numbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of

"He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled. 'You grow more marvellous at every step. That

"Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look for a watch that I knew he hadn't lost, and was to

receive 200 pounds if I found it. It seemed to him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point

of view, feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such watch, it could not be recovered, and little

suspecting that two could play at his little game of deception, and that under any circumstances I could foist a

tenshilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds. This business concluded, he started to go.

"'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling, with all that prospective profit in view, I

"'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by my tablestill, to my surprise, keeping his hat on.

"'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy would reveal the true state of affairs. The mere

mention of the word hat brought about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grew

ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it cracked. He then nervously removed it, and I noticed a

dull red mark running about his forehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a man whose hat fitted too

tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the undulating outline of nothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the

apex of the uttermost extremity was a deep indentation about the size of a shilling, that could have been made

only by some adamantine substance! The mystery was solved! The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood

A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, and even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le

"My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was completely at my mercy. He had stolen the

tiara, and had it concealed in the lining of his hat. I rose and locked the door. My visitor sank with a groan

"'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly. 'Now, my lord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace

to let me have your hat. I know who you are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of Brokedale has

lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch. Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and

it may be that somewhere there is a Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have described. The queer part of

it all is,' I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a couple of loaded sixshooters out of my

escritoire'the queer part of it all is that I have the watch and you have the tiara. We'll swap the swag. Hand

"'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I. 'I'll give you the watch, and you needn't mind the 200

pounds; and you must give me the tiara, or I'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a search

"He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the tiara, snugly stowed away behind the

"'You are a great fellow,' said I, as I held the tiara up to the light and watched with pleasure the flashing

"'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you play fair it will be all right. I'm not going to keep this thing. I'm not

married, and so have no use for such a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife retains me

to find it, and then I'll find it and get the reward. If you keep perfectly still, I'll have it found in such a fashion

that you'll never be suspected. If, on the other hand, you say a word about tonight's events, I'll hand you

"'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted. 'If you don't believe it, read my book,' I added, and I

"'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than to come here. I thought you were only a

literary success.' And with a deepdrawn sigh he took the watch and went out. Ten days later I was retained

by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more I found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady,

and received the 5000 pounds reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter, and

afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and was driven to his desperate deed only by

the demands of his creditors, and the following Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him, with the best

"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental concentration of no mean order, combined

with strict observance of the pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great diamond mystery;

and when I say that this cigar end proves certain things to my mind, it does not become you to doubt the

The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth a bundle of business cards, which he

tossed, as the prestidigitator tosses playingcards, out among the audience, and on each of them was found

"I think he made a mistake in not taking the 200 pounds for the watch. Such carelessness destroys my

confidence in him," said Shylock, who was the first to recover from the surprise of the revelation.

"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given with

a will by the assembled spirits, "after this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly necessary for me to

assure you of our hearty cooperation in anything you may venture to suggest. There is still manifest,

however, some desire on the part of the everwise King Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how you

deduce that Kidd has sailed for London, from the cigar end which you hold in your hand."

"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes, genially. "I believe I have already proven that it is

the end of Kidd's cigar. The marks of the teeth have shown that. Now observe how closely it is

smokedthere is barely enough of it left for one to insert between his teeth. Now Captain Kidd would hardly

have risked the edges of his mustache and the comfort of his lips by smoking a cigar down to the very light if

he had had another; nor would he under any circumstances have smoked it that far unless he were

passionately addicted to this particular brand of the weed. Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar;

second, it was the last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he has gone to the one place in

the world where these Connecticut hand rolled Havana cigarsfor I recognize this as one of themhave a

real popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and that is at London. You cannot get so vile a

cigar as that outside of a London hotel. If I could have seen a quarterinch more of it, I should have been able

definitely to locate the hotel itself. The wrappers unroll to a degree that varies perceptibly as between the

different hotels. The Fortuna cigar can be smoked a quarter through before its wrapper gives way; the Felix

wrapper goes as soon as you light the cigar; whereas the River, fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by a

moister atmosphere than the others, and, as a consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most people are

"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes. "Not at all. Give me a head of lettuce and a

"I referred to your artthat of detection," said Solomon. "Your logic is perfect; step by step we have been

led to the irresistible conclusion that Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of these hotels."

"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in

Holmes, quickly, observing a sneer on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further evidence

of his ingenuity. "When he gets his bill he will open his piratical eyes so wide that he will be seized with

jealousy to think of how much more refined his profession has become since he left it, and out of mere pique

he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself still cleverer than his modern prototypes, he will leave his

account unpaid, with the result that the affair will be put in the hands of the police, under which

circumstances a house in the immediate vicinity of the famous police headquarters will be the safest hiding

place he can find, as was instanced by the remarkable case of the famous Penstock bond robbery. A certain

churchwarden named Hinkley, having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial Bank of

1,000,000 pounds in bonds, and, fleeing to London, actually joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and

was detailed to find himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been found had he not

Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane words under his breath.

"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le Coq. "You could tap your forehead

knowingly eight hours a day through all eternity with a sledgehammer without loosening an idea like that."

"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous detective. "I shall myself go to London, and,

disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when these club

members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth, we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock

"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bondrobbery mystery," said Socrates, wrapping his toga closely

"So are we all," said Sir Walter. "But meantime the Houseboat is getting farther away."

"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was still nursing his resentment against Sir

"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates. "I believe in making haste slowly; and on the admission of our two

eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher and Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a mile a

week, and if we charter the Flying Dutchman to go in pursuit of her we can catch her before she gets out of

"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission," suggested Munchausen, dryly. "I for one

would rather take a state room in Jonah's whale than go aboard the Flying Dutchman again. I made one trip

on the Dutchman, and she's worse than a dory for comfort; furtherI don't see what good it would do us to

charter a boat that can't land oftener than once in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double

"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. "But Baron Munchausen need not consider the

question of taking a stateroom aboard of her. She doesn't carry secondclass passengers. And if I took any

stock in the idea of a trip on the Flying Dutchman amounting to a seven years' exile, I would cheerfully pay

"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes. "This is a moment, I think, when you should

lay aside personal differences and personal preferences for immediate action. I have examined the wake of

the Houseboat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a better term, I may call the suds, when

she left us the House boat was making ten knots a day. Almost any craft we can find suitably manned ought

to be able to do better than that; and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what boats he has at hand, it

"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most of my boats have gone into winter quarters, your

Honor. The Mayflower went into dry dock last week to be calked up; the Pinta and the Santa Maria are slow

and cranky; the Monitor and the Merrimac I haven't really had time to patch up; and the Valkyrie is two

months overdue. I cannot make up my mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion steamers. Hence I

really don't know what I can lend you. Any of these boat I have named you could have had for nothing; but

my others are actively employed, and I couldn't let them go without a serious interference with my business."

The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite shore. It was quite evident that he realized

what a dreadful expense the club was about to be put to, and while of course there would be profit in it for

"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for nothing, but the others I'd have to charge you for,

And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount should be an eighth or onequarter of one

"The Flying Dutchman," he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes. She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not

to stop. You'd catch up with the Houseboat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and disappear like a

visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never dowith all respect to Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as

any other waterlogged cattlesteamer'd be, and no morefirstrate for elephants and kangaroos, but no good

for cruiserwork, and so slow she wouldn't make a ripple high enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her

speed. Furthermore, she's got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove in by running afoul

ofMount Arrusroot, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went cruising with that menagerie of his."

"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily. "This man talks like a professional amateur

yachtsman. He has no regard for facts, but simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of

the truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her very successfully. I say this in defence of my

"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountainpeak!" sneered Wren, perceiving a chance to get even.

"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. "Maybe she was a centreboard, sad that's where you kept the

"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the elephants," retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the

elephant shuffling one of his forefeet up and down, up and down, a plank for twentyfour hours a day for

"Thanks," said Charon, calmly. "But the elephants don't patronize my line. All the elephants I've ever seen in

Hades waded over, except Jumbo, and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with it, and

swung himself over. However, the Ark isn't at all what you want, unless you are going to man her with a lot

of centaurs. If that's your intention, I'd charter her; the accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that

"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. "You've told us what we can't do. Now

"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue themselves. That's what I'd do. I've had the honor

of bringing 'em over here, and I think I know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em close, and it's my private

opinion that before many days you'll see your clubhouse sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the

hellum, and the other ladies on the for'ard deck knittin' and crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in a

conversational way, as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd and his pirate crew."

"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising. "Whether the relief expedition amounts to anything

or not, it's good to be set going. The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if they were

capable of rescuing themselves. It is an accepted principle of law that this climate hath no fury like a woman

left to herself, and we've got enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in augmenting the

"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how many of my wives have been abducted, and I'll

"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixtythree of 'em on board, together with eighty of his fiancees.

"Nothing," said Solomon. "They're not mine yet, and it's their father's business to get 'em back. Not mine."

Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before everybody save Shylock had put his name

down for something. This some one of the more quickwitted of the spirits soon observed, and, with reckless

disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice, began to call, "Shylock! Shylock! How much?"

"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a bottle aloft. "A black person by the name of

Friday, a valet of our friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago

on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It contains a bit of paper, and may perhaps give us a clew based

upon something more substantial than even the wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes."

A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter drew a corkscrew from his pocket and opened

the bottle. He extracted the paper, and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the missing vessel.

"Have just emerged into the Atlantic Club in hands of Kidd and forty ruffians. One hundred and eightythree

ladies on board. Headed for the Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthippe, who is seasick in the

"Precisely," said Holmes. "No woman knows anything about seafaring, but Portia is right. The ship is headed

for the Azores, which is the first tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present conditions."

The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for Shylock's subscription began again,

"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly, "but with that woman Portia on board I won't

give a red obolus!" and with that he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows

And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the shapely twinscrew steamer the Gehenna

was chartered of Charon, and put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had thanked the

company for their confidence, walked abstractedly away, observing in strictest confidence to himself that he

had done well to prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it.

"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again free of cost on my own hook, whether my

eminent inventor wants me there or not. I never approved of his killing me off as he did at the very height of

Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all. Once having gained possession of the

Houseboat, they were loath to think of ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question in my mind

if they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain Kidd and his men not done it for them.

"I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing all this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious

stroke of a billiardcue, which missed the cueball and tore a right angle in the cloth. "It is not right."

"No," said Portia. "It is all wrong; and when we get back home I'm going to give my beloved Bassanio a

piece of my mind; and if he doesn't give in to me, I'LL reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock

"Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, "for I swear by all my auburn locks that that

was the very worst bit of injustice ever perpetrated. Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at one of Mrs.

Caesar's cardparties, that he regarded that as the biggest joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed

to Antony that the decision wouldn't have held in any court of equity outside of Venice. If you owe a man a

thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get them, that's your affair, not his. If it cost Antonio

every drop of his bluest blood to pay the pound of flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's. However, the

world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a woman's keen instinct for

"It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on," shuddered Elizabeth.

"That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away with a raft of bad actors," said

Cleopatra. "I'm half sorry it didn't go on, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than compelling

Brutus to fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver en brochette, as is done in that Julius Caesar

"I should think you would be," said Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done it, you'd never have been known. What

"Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?" asked the Egyptian Queen.

"I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit," returned Portia, nervously; for, like most

women in an advanced state of development, she had become a martyr to her nerves.

"It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferryboats, I fancy," said Elizabeth, calmly. "It's

disgusting, the way that old fellow allows these modern innovations to be brought in here! As if the old

paddleboats he used to carry shades in weren't good enough for the immigrants of this age! Really this Styx

River is losing a great deal of its charm. Sir Walter and I were upset, while out rowing one day last summer,

by the waves kicked up by one of Charon's excursion steamers going up the river with a party of picnickers

from the citythe Greater Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it wason board of her. One might just as

well live in the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet here in the suburbs in these

days. Charon isn't content to get rich slowly; he must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all

the comfort of everybody living on this river. Anybody'd think he was an American, the way he goes on; and

everybody else here is the same way. The Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers."

"I think myself," sighed Cleopatra, "that Hades is being spoiled by the introduction of American ideasit is

getting by far too democratic for my tastes; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief that the best people will stop

coming here. Take Madame Recamier's salon as it is now and compare it with what it used to be! In the early

days, after her arrival here, everybody went because it was the swell thing, and you'd be sure of meeting the

intellectually elect. On the one hand you'd find Sophocles; on the other, Cicero; across the room would be

Horace chatting gayly with some such person as myself. Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte, were

there, and glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or

Tintoretto. You couldn't move without stepping on the toes of genius. But now all is different. The

moneygetting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the result that when I invited Mozart to meet a

few friends at dinner at my place last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for dinners. Let me see, I

think I have it with me; I've kept it by me for fear of losing it, it is such a complete revelation of the actual

condition of affairs in this locality. Ah! this is it," she added, taking a small bit of pasteboard from her

The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished and naturally so, for it ran this wise:

Owing to the very great, constantly growing, and at times vexatious demands upon his time socially,

takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and after January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will

Dinners with conversation on the Marks Theory of Music 500 Dinners with conversation on the Theory of

Music, illustrated 750 Dinners without any conversation 300 Receptions, public, with music 1000 " " private,

"Well, I declare!" tittered Elizabeth, as she read. "Isn't that extraordinary? He's got the threename craze,

"It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleopatra. "But it's fairer than Artemus Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of

his intentions to charge you; but with Ward it's different. He comes, and afterwards sends a bill for his fun.

Why, only last week I got a 'quarterly statement' from him showing a charge against me of thirtyeight

dollars for humorous remarks made to my guests at a little chafingdish party I gave in honor of Balzac, and,

worst of all, he had marked it 'Please remit.' Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't

let me have it until he had heard whether or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the Gossip. With Rubens

giving chalktalks for pay, Phidias doing 'Fiveminute Masterpieces in Putty' for suburban lyceums, and all

the illustrious in other lines turning their genius to account through the entertainment bureaus, it's impossible

"You are indeed right," said Madame Recamier, sadly. "Those were palmy days when genius was satisfied

with chicken salad and lemonade. I shall never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time

wereahwere on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of lights and supper. Now the only

people who will come for nothing are those we used to think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always ready,

"Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope that you won't give up the functions altogether, because I have always

"I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Recamier, "but I suppose I shall be accused of going into the

commercial side of it if I adopt it. The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's an idea worthy of an

American, I admit; but if I don't do it I'll have to give it up entirely, which, as you intimate, would be too bad.

An incorporated salon, however, would be a grand thing, if only because it would perpetuate the salon. 'The

Recamier Salon (Limited)' would be a most excellent title, and, suitably capitalized would enable us to pay

our lions sufficiently. Private enterprise is powerless under modern conditions. It's as much as I can afford to

pay for a dinner, without running up an expensive account for guests; and unless we get up a salontrust, as it

"How would you make it pay?" asked Portia. "I can't see where your dividends would come from."

"That is simple enough," said Madame Recamier. "We could put up a large receptionhall with a portion of

our capital, and advertise a series of nightssay one a week throughout the season. These would be

Warriors' Night, Storytellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafingdish Night under the charge of BrillatSavarin,

and so on. It would be understood that on these particular evenings the most interesting people in certain lines

would be present, and would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on payment of a certain sum

of money. The commonplace inhabitants of this country could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them

well, as I think I do, they'll pay readily for the privilege. The obscure love to rub up against the famous here

"Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An advertisement in Boswell's paper, which

"They read the advertisements," retorted Madame Recamier. "As I was saying, an advertisement could be

placed in Boswell's paper as follows: 'Are you giving a Function? Do you want Talent? Get your Genius at

the Recamier Salon (Limited).' It would be simply magnificent as a business enterprise. The common herd

would be tickled to death if they could get great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for

"It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of

the account it said, 'The supper was furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Recamier Salon (Limited)'?"

"I must admit," replied the French lady, "that you call up an unpleasant possibility, but I don't really see what

else we can do if we want to preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented people that they have

"Well, all I've got to say is just this," put in Xanthippe: "You people who get up functions have brought this

condition of affairs on yourselves. You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a

moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance. His wife told me that he dined at

home three times during the winter. The rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making

afterdinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills didn't pay his pebble account, much less remunerate him

for his time, and the fearful expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she

could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that he couldn't go out, the way he used

to do in Athens when he was afraid he would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for

"So the cyclopaedias say. It's a good plan, too," said Xanthippe. "Though Socrates never had to do it. When I

got the notion Socrates was going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of

Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's Thursday Night Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and

three weeks later discovered that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people simply run it into

the ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood leads on to fortune. It advertises you, does the lion

no good, and he is expected to be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical. If they are getting

tired of candy and compliments, it's because you have forced too much of it upon them."

"They like it, just the same," retorted Recamier. "A genius likes nothing better than the sound of his own

voice, when he feels that it is falling on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a noble

"True," said Xanthippe. "But when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a mile high on his head, he begins

to wonder what they will bring on the market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt

to weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a man is apt to love it; but when it

becomes exacting, demanding instead of permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm."

"But Xanthippic in its origin," returned Xanthippe. "No man ever gave me my ideas."

"Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried. "The boat has broken loose from her moorings, and is floating down

"What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the stairs. "I was certain I felt a slight

"Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia Borgia. "Calpurnia just looked out of the window and discovered that we

The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend, Cleopatra in the van; but as the

Egyptian Queen reached the doorway to the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain

Kidd were thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out through the gathering gloom. "Pipe my eye

And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard room, while Kidd, overcome by surprise,

slammed the door to, and retreated into the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his followers as to

"Here's a kettle of fish!" said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in perplexity as he and his fellowpirates

gathered about the captain to discuss the situation. "I'm blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed athwart

anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low down ruffians like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a

craft loaded to the water's edge with advanced womenI've half a mind to turn back."

"If you do, you swimwe'll not turn back with you," retorted Abeuchapeta, whom, in honor of his prowess,

Kidd had appointed executive officer of the Houseboat. "I have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but

I have not embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I am out for business. If you had

"But what shall we do with 'em?" pleaded Kidd. "Where can we go without attracting attention? Who's going

to feed 'em? Who's going to dress 'em? Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets? You don't know anything about

these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, bytheway, can't we arbitrate that name of yours? It would be

"Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an illconcealed sneer, for he was deeply jealous of

"If you do I'll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit," retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.

"By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers," began Morgan, springing angrily to his feet, "I'll have your

"Gentlemen! Gentlemenmy noble ruffians!" expostulated Kidd. "Come, come; this will never do! I must

have no quarrelling among my aides. This is no time for divisions in our councils. An entirely unexpected

element has entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in concert. It is no light matter"

"Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchapeta, "but that is where you and I do not agree. We've got our ship and

we've got our crew, and in addition we find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as

ballast. Now I, for one, do not fear a woman. We can set them to work. There is plenty for them to do

keeping things tidy; and if we get into a very hard fight, and come out of the melee somewhat the worse for

wear, it will be a blessing to have 'em along to mend our togas, sew buttons on our uniforms, and darn our

Morgan laughed sarcastically. "When did you flourish, if ever, colonel?" he asked.

"You have guessed correctly," replied Morgan, icily. "I have quite forgotten your date; were you a success in

"Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," interposed Kidd, fearing a further outbreak of hostilities"Admiral

Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and his

piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is without parallel off the comicopera

stage. He never went forth without at least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels."

Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly. "Sixninetyeight was my great year," he said.

"That's what I thought," said Morgan. "That is to say, you got your ideas of women twelve hundred years

ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat since that time. I have great respect for you, sir, as a ruffian. I

have no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete success, but when it comes to 'feminology' you are sailing

"I stand corrected. The study of women, my dear Peter," said Morgan, with a wink at Conrad, which

fortunately the seventhcentury pirate did not see, else there would have been an open break"the study of

women is more difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but all women are unique.

Because she was this, that, or the other thing in your day does not prove that she is any one of those things in

our dayin fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I venture even to say that no individual woman is alike."

"That's rather a hazy thought," said Kidd, scratching his head in a puzzled sort of way.

"I mean that she's different from herself at different times," said Morgan. "What is it the poet called

her?'an infinite variety show,' or something of that sort; a perpetual vaudevillea continuous

"Morgan is right, admiral!" put in Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily as bo'sun. "The times are sadly

changed, and woman is no longer what she was. She is hardly what she is, much less what she was. The

Roman Gynaeceum would be an impossibility today. You might as well expect Delilah to open a

barbershop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced females belowstairs to sew buttons on a pirate's

uniform after a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets curled. They're no longer sewingmachinesthey

are Keeley motors for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views now they are no longer content to

be looked at merely; they must see for themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate

man and emancipate woman. It's my private opinion that if we are to get along with them at all the best thing

to do is to let 'em alone. I have always found I was better off in the abstract, and if this question is going to be

settled in a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to a vote, I'll vote for any measure which involves

leaving them strictly to themselves. They're nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can

"If that could be, it would be excellent," said Morgan; "but it is impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic order,

my dear Conrad, you are strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not inebriates. We can

no more ignore their presence upon this boat than we can expect whales to spout kerosene. In the first place,

it would be excessively impolite of us to cut themto decline to speak to them if they should address us. We

may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we shall never forget that we are gentlemen."

"The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don't you think?" suggested Conrad. "There's nobody to

introduce us, and I can't really see how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I certainly am not going to

stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick up an acquaintance with them, even if I am of a Byronic

"You forget," said Kidd, "two essential features of the situation. These women are at presentor shortly will

be, when they realize their situationin distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue of a

distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the seas, and I understand that on the

fashionable transatlantic lines it is now considered de rigueur to speak to anybody you choose to. The

"Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, "just what it is that is worrying you? You said something about

feeding them, and dressing them, and keeping them in bonnets. I fancy there's fish enough in the sea to feed

'em; and as for their gowns and hats, they can make 'em themselves. Every woman is a milliner at heart."

"Exactly, and we'll have to pay the milliners. That is what bothers me. I was going to lead this expedition to

London, Paris, and New York, admiral. That is where the money is, and to get it you've got to go ashore, to

headquarters. You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas. Modern civilization," said Kidd, "has ruined the

pirate's business. The latest news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that I never

dreamed of. The conditions of the day of which I speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our

friend Hawkins here. Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these gentlemen the

"Not the slightest, Captain Kidd," returned Captain Hawkins, who was a recent arrival in Hades. "It is a sad

little story, and it gives me a pain for to think on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since you ask me. When I were

a mere boy, fellowpirates, I had but one ambition, due to my readin', which was confined to stories of a

Sundayschool naterto become somethin' different from the little Willies an' the clever Tommies what I

read about therein. They was all good, an' they went to their reward too soon in life for me, who even in them

days regarded death as a stuffy an' unpleasant diversion. Learnin' at an early period that virtue was its only

reward, an' awishin' others, I says to myself: 'Jim,' says I, 'if you wishes to become a magnet in this village,

be sinful. If so be as you are a good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all other animals, you'll end up as a

prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure, with never no hope for no public preferment beyond bein'

made the superintendent of the Sundayschool; but if so be as how you're bad, you may become famous, an'

go to Congress, an' have your picture in the Sunday noospapers.' So I looks around for books tellin' how to

get 'Famous in Fifty Ways,' an' after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirate's just the thing for

me, seein' as how it's both profitable an' healthy. Passin' over details, let me tell you that I became a pirate. I

ran away to sea, an' by dint of perseverance, as the Sundayschool book useter say, in my badness I soon

became the centre of a evil lot; an' when I says to 'em, 'Boys, I wants to be a pirate chief,' they hollers back,

loud like, 'Jim, we're with you,' an' they was. For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish

Main, an' the Pacific seas, but there was precious little money into it. The best pay I got was from a Sunday

noospaper which paid me well to sign an article on 'Modern Piracy' which I didn't write. Finally business got

so bad the crew began to murmur, an' I was at my wits' ends to please 'em; when one mornin', havin' passed a

restless night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that 'Next Saturday's steamer is a weritable treasure ship,

takin' out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.'

'Here's my chance,' says I, an' I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I captures her easy, my crew bein'

hungry, an' fightin according like. We steals the box aholdin' the jewels an' the bag containin' the millions,

hustles back to our own ship, an' makes for our rondyvoo, me with two bullets in my leg, four o' my crew

killed, and one engin' of my ship disabled by a shotbut happy. Twelve an' a half millions at one break is

"I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head. "I didn't get that in all my career."

"Well, as I says," continued Captain Hawkins, "we goes to the rondyvoo to look over our booty. 'Captain

'Awkins,' says my valet for I was a swell pirate, gents, an' never travelled nowhere without a man to keep

my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousers'this 'ere twelve millions,' says he, 'is werry

light,' says he, carryin' the bag ashore. 'I don't care how light it is, so long as it's twelve millions, Henderson,'

says I; but my heart sinks inside o' me at his words, an' the minute we lands I sits down to investigate right

there on the beach. I opens the bag, an' it's the one I was afterbut the twelve millions!"

"Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, "but every bloomin' million was represented by a certified check, an'

"By Jingo!" cried Morgan. "What fearful luck! But you had the prima donna's jewels."

"Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan. "But they was like all other prima donna's jewelsfor advertisin'

"They was a crew of a few words," sighed Hawkins. "Werry few words, an' not a civil word in the

lotmostly adjectives of a profane kind. When I told 'em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a

"A dozen times," nodded Hawkins. "They always was a lavish lot. I met death in all its most horrid forms.

First they stabbed me, then they shot me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with a lynchin'but I

didn't mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. But now that I'm here I'm glad it happened. This life is sort

of less responsible than that other. You can't hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ain't nothing to hurt,

"That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check banking system," said Kidd. "If you can

get a chance at real gold it's all right, but it's of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop payment

on. Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little freebooting there, where solid material wealth is

"Not with these women tagging after us," returned Kidd. "If we went to London and lifted the whole Bank of

England, these women would have it spent on Regent Street inside of twentyfour hours."

"And have them steal the ship!" retorted Kidd. "No. There are but two things to do. Take 'em back, or land

them in Paris. Tell them to spend a week on shore while we are provisioning. Tell 'em to shop to their hearts'

And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the Houseboat upon which the astute Mr.

When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the Houseboat was shut in the faces of queens

Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the

stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosen to gaze through that

Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her regal self that, having turned, she sat

"Well!" she ejaculated. "If this does not surpass everything! The idea of it! Oh for one hour of my olden

"Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard room and discuss this matter calmly. It is

quite evident that something has happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft."

"That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below. "I can see through the window that we are in motion.

The vessel has left her moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the distinctly

masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that the ship is manned, and that this is the result

Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the moment had been forced to assume a

position about her forehead which gave one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a

"Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. "She wants to cut somebody."

The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded as being too serious to admit of humor,

and in silence they filed back into the billiardroom, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about

"It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia. "Look at those poolballs!" These were in very truth

chasing each other about the table in an extraordinary fashion. "And I wish I'd never followed you horrid new

"I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out of the window at a nasty choppy sea that

was adding somewhat to the disquietude of the fair gathering. "If this is merely a joke on the part of the

Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time it should cease."

"Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe. "You said that before, and I must say it is getting tiresome.

You couldn't do anything with an axe. Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who were

accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I don't believe, if you had the unmannerly person who

slammed the door in your face lying prostrate upon the billiardtable here, you could hit him a square blow in

the neck if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, for all the good it would do us

in our predicament. If Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to the purpose. One deadly little snake

like that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and even then our

condition would not be bettered, for there isn't any of us that can sail a boat. There isn't an old salt among us."

"Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic spirits were by no means

"I am present," said Mrs. Noah. "Though why I ever came I don't know, for I vowed the minute I set my foot

on Ararat that dry land was good enough for me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat as long as I lived.

If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical experience, you are all perfectly

"I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but in the emergency which has arisen we

cannot say how much obliged we are until we know what your experience amounted to. Before relying upon

you we ought to know how far that reliance can gonot that I lack confidence in you, my dear madam, but

that in an hour of peril one must take care, to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed."

"The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say here that I am easier in my mind when I

realize that we have with us so levelheaded a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has spoken truly

and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I should make her my attorneygeneral. We must not go

"Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked Ophelia, faintly, for she was getting a trifle

sallow, as indeed she might, for the Houseboat was beginning to roll tremendously with no alleviation save

an occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that it gave variety to their discomfort. "I don't

believe a chiefjustice could look at things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I do."

"Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically. "I know exactly how you feel. I have been there

myself. The fourth day out I and my whole family were in the same condition, except that Noah, my husband,

was so very far gone that I could not afford to yield. I nursed him for six days before he got his sealegs on,

"When he heard that the boys were seasick too, he actually laughed and began to get better right away. There

is really only one cure for the mal de mer, and that is the fun of knowing that somebody else is suffering too.

If some of you ladies would kindly yield to the seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor girl on her

Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to this appeal, and the unhappy young

"We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped Xanthippe, with a scornful glance at the

suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to a comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was evidently

improving. "I have no sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired of succumbing to an

"I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a great deal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs.

Socrates to understand that it is rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad principle as

that, and for her own sake tomorrow, I think it would be well if she withdrew the sentiment. There are

certain things about a seavoyage that are more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one

who chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more confident than Mrs. Socrates can

possibly be that within an hour she will not be as badly off. People who live in glass houses should not throw

"I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let me tell you that," retorted Xanthippe.

"Furthermore, the proverb is not as the lady has quoted it. 'People who live in glass houses should not throw

"I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly. "When I said that people who live in glass houses should

not throw dice, I meant precisely what I said. People who live in glass houses should not take chances. In

assuming with such vainglorious positiveness that she will not be seasick, the lady who has just spoken is

giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on the Ark when we gathered about the table at night and

"I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra. "It is of no immediate interest to any

one but Ophelia, and I fancy she does not care to dwell upon it at any great length. It is more important that

we should decide upon our future course of action. In the first place, the question is who these people up on

deck are. If they are the members of the club, we are all right. They will give us our scare, and land us safely

again at the pier. In that event it is our womanly duty to manifest no concern, and to seem to be aware of

nothing unusual in the proceeding. It would never do to let them think that their joke has been a good one. If,

on the other hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some horde of ruffians, who have pounced upon us

unawares, and are going into the business of abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with

treachery, strategy with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing to make every man on board walk the plank;

having confidence in the seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port."

"I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Recamier, "and I move you, Mrs. President, that we

organize a series of sub committeesone on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one

on strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation, headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final

subcommittee on reconnoitre, with Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aftall of these

subordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra and Calpurnia. The rest of us can then

commit ourselves and our interests unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves without

"I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that Madame Recamier be appointed chairlady of

The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried with an enthusiastic aye, and the

The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to discuss their individual lines of action,

when a shadow was observed to obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the window.

The faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an instant, as, immediately following upon this apparition,

a large bundle was hurled through the open port into the middle of the room, and the shadow vanished.

"Nonsense!" said Madame Recamier, jumping lightly forward. "A man doesn't mind blowing a woman up,

but he'll never blow himself up. We're safe enough in that respect. The thing looks to me like a bundle of

"That's what it is," said Cleopatra who had been investigating. "It's rather a discourteous bit of courtesy,

tossing them in through the window that way, I think, but I presume they mean well. Dear me," she added, as,

having untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before her, "how interesting! All the latest Paris

fashions. Humph! Look at those sleeves, Elizabeth. What an impregnable fortress you would have been with

"I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing on her tiptoes and looking over

"No," remarked Calpurnia. "I wonder how a Watteau back like that would go on my blue alpaca?"

"Five," observed Calpurnia. "One more than Caesar's toga. We had to have our costumes distinct in some

"A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of a Virot creation at the top of the page.

"Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden," smiled Mrs. Noah. "Gorgeous in its

foliage, beautiful thing; though I shouldn't have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals

"I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to take in the full effect of an attractive

summer gown"I wonder how that waist would make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly

"It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked Madame Recamier. "If you had a few puffs

"I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a trifle too light for general wear. I should

"It does need that," assented Elizabeth. "A wrap made of passementerie and jet, with a mousseline de soie

"The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising from her corner, where she and Lucretia

Borgia had been having so animated a discussion that they had failed to observe the others crowding about

"A little sombre," said Cleopatra. "The corsage is effective, but I don't like those basque terminations. I've

"The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her voice, "has a suggestion to make."

"I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy. "What is the use of them?"

"The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by the absorption of the chairman and

"Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order. "I had forgotten all about our committees. Excuse me,

Delilah. Iahwas absorbed in other matters. Will you kindly lay your patternI should say your

"It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It has been suggested that we invite the crew of this vessel to a chafingdish

The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the speaker was interrupted by a loud knocking at

the door, its instant opening, and the appearance in the doorway of that illvisaged ruffian Captain Kidd.

"Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation in which you find yourselves. Have I

"Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the interloper; and the pirate proceeded to take the

second step in the nefarious plan upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing in

It was about twentyfour hours after the events narrated in the preceding chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes

assumed command of the Gehenna, which was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill starred

ocean steamship City of Chicago, which tried some years ago to reach Liverpool by taking the overland route

through Ireland, fortunately without detriment to her passengers and crew, who had the pleasure of the

experience of shipwreck without any of the discomforts of drowning. As will be remembered, the

obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented the City of Chicago from proceeding farther inland than was

necessary to keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony bed; and that after a brief

sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed of to the Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon

had had himself incorporated, is a matter of nautical history. The change of name to the Gehenna was the act

of Charon himself, and was prompted, no doubt, by a desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents

of the Stygian capital against the flourishing and evergrowing metropolis of Illinois.

The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft. Charon, through his constant association

with life on both sides of the dark river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of modern business

methods, and while as janitor of the club he was subject to the will of the Houseboat Committee, and

sympathized deeply with the members of the association in their trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation

Company he was bound up in certain newly attained commercial ideas which were embarrassing to those

members of the association to whose hands the chartering of a vessel had been committed.

"See here, Charon," Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had expressed himself as deeply sympathetic,

but unable to shave the terms upon which the vessel could be had, "you are an infernal old hypocrite. You go

about wringing your hands over our misfortunes until they've got as dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves,

and yet when we ask you for a ship of suitable size and speed to go out after those pirates, you become a sort

of twin brother to Shylock, without his excuse. His instincts are accidents of birth. Yours are cultivated, and

"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter," Charon had answered to this. "You don't understand my position.

It is a very hard one. As janitor of your club I am really prostrated over the events of the past twentyfour

hours. My occupation is gone, and my despair over your loss is correspondingly greater, for I have time on

my hands to brood over it. I was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoonso hysterical that I came near

upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to Madame Medusa's villa last evening; and

"How can I do any more than I have done? I've offered you the Gehenna," retorted Charon.

"But on what terms?" expostulated Raleigh. "If we had all the wealth of the Indies we'd have difficulty in

"But I am only president of the company," explained Charon. "I'd like, as president, to show you some

courtesy, and I'm perfectly willing to do so; but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like that, I'm

bound by my official oath to consider the interest of the stockholders. It isn't as it used to be when I had boats

to hire in my own behalf alone. In those days I had nobody's interest but my own to look after. Now the ships

"I don't know," Charon answered, blandly. "I haven't seen the transferbooks lately.''

"But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you haven't sold any, don't you?" put in Hamlet.

Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and Sir Walter's heart sank, for it was evident

"Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness," he said, "II can't say whether any of that stock has

been transferred or not. The fact is, I've been speculating a little on margin, and I've put up that stock as

security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out by my brokers. I've been so upset by this unfortunate

occurrence that I haven't seen the market reports for two days. Really you'll have to be content with my offer

or go without the Gehenna. There's too much suspicion attached to high corporate officials lately for me to

yield a jot in the position I have taken. It would never do to get you all ready to start, and then have an

injunction clapped on you by some unforeseen stockholder who was not satisfied with the terms offered you;

nor can I ever let it be said of me that to retain my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a trust

committed to my charge. I'll gladly lend you my private launch, though I don't think it will aid you much,

because the naphthatank has exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the bottom two weeks ago.

Still, it is at your service, and I've no doubt that either Phidias or Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle

Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own devices, which for the time being

consisted largely of winking his other eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief.

"He's too canny for us, I am afraid," said Sir Walter. "We'll have to pay him his money."

"Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," suggested Hamlet, and this they proceeded at once to do.

"There is but one thing to be done," observed the astute detective after he had heard Sir Walter's statement of

the case. "It is an old saying that one should fight fire with fire. We must meet modern business methods with

"Haha!" laughed Holmes. "It is evident that you know nothing of the laws of trade nowadays. Don't pay!"

"The method is simple. You haven't anything to pay with," returned Holmes. "Let him sue. Suppose he gets a

verdict. You haven't anything he can attachif you have, make it over to your wives or your fiancees"

"Give him a check drawn to his own order. He'll have to endorse it when he deposits it, and that will make

"Very," said Holmes. "Business is getting by slow degrees to be an exact science. It reminds me of the

Brighton mystery, in which I played a modest part some ten years ago, when I first took up ferreting as a

profession. I was sitting one night in my room at one of the Brighton hotels, which shall be nameless. I never

give the name of any of the hotels at which I stop, because it might give offence to the proprietors of other

hotels, with the result that my books would be excluded from sale therein. Suffice it to say that I was

spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton with my friend Watson. We had dined well, and were enjoying

our evening smoke together upon a small balcony overlooking the water, when there came a timid knock on

"'Watson,' said I, 'here comes some one for advice. Do you wish to wager a small bottle upon it?'

"'Yes,' he answered, with a smile. 'I am thirsty and I'd like a small bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I'll

"'It is quite simple,' said I. 'The timidity of the knock shows that my visitor is one of two classes of

personsan autographhunter or a client, one of the two. You see I give you a chance to win. It may be an

autographhunter, but I think it is a client. If it were a creditor, he would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if

it were the maid, she would not knock at all; if it were the hallboy, he would not come until I had rung five

times for him. None of these things has occurred; the knock is the halfhearted knock which betokens either

that the person who knocked is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his reception. I am willing, however,

considering the heat and my desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it is a client.'

"The door opened, and a man of about thirtyfive years of age, in a bathingsuit, entered the room, and I saw

"'Your name is Burgess,' I said. 'You came here from London this morning, expecting to return tonight. You

brought no luggage with you. After luncheon you went bathing. You had machine No. 35, and when you

came out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared, with your clothes and the silver watch your

"Of course, gentlemen," observed the detective, with a smile at Sir Walter and Hamlet"of course the man

fairly gasped, and I continued: 'You have been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting for

nightfall, so that you could come to me for assistance, not considering it good form to make an afternoon call

"'Sir,' he replied, with a look of wonder, 'you have narrated my story exactly as it happened, and I find I have

made no mistake in coming to you. Would you mind telling me what is your course of reasoning?'

"'It is plain as day,' said I. 'I am the person with the red beard with whom you came down third class from

London this morning, and you told me your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher. When you

looked to see the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, which led to your telling me that it was

"'No,' said I, 'but that you hadn't is plain; for if you had brought any other clothing besides that you had on

with you, you would have put it on to come here. That you have been robbed I deduce also from your

"'One more question,' queried Burgess. 'How do you know I have been lying face downward on the beach

"'By the sand in your eyebrows,' I replied; and Watson ordered up the small bottle."

"I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however," observed Hamlet, somewhat impatient over the delay

caused by the narration of this tale, "that suggested this train of thought to you."

"Oh, Lord!" put in Raleigh. "Can't we put off the sequel until a later issue? Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we

"The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office of the Navigation Company," observed the

detective. "When the bottle came I invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour was late

when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor overnight. This he accepted, and we retired.

"No," replied Holmes. "Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing, my falsebeard, my suitcase, and my

watch. The only thing he had left me was the bathingsuit and a few empty small bottles."

"And why, may I ask," put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon's office"why does that case remind you

"In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it all," explained Holmes. "I omitted in the case

of Burgess to observe one thing about him. Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and with a

lifted base, and that his auricular temporal angle was between 96 and 97 degrees, I should have known at

once that he was an impostor Vide Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I Have Met,' pp. 631640."

"If he has anyyes; but I did not know that at the time of the Brighton mystery. Therefore I should have

By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president of the Styx Navigation Company, and in a

On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked Holmes if he thought the plan they had

"The chances are just two and oneeighth degrees in your favor," observed Holmes, quietly, with a glance at

Raleigh's ears. "The temporal angle of your ears is 93.125 degrees, whereas Charon's stand out at 91, by my

otometer. To that extent your criminal instincts are superior to his. If criminology is an exact science,

reasoning by your respective ears, you ought to beat him out by a perceptible though possibly narrow

With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and within twelve hours the Gehenna was

under way, carrying a full complement of crew and officers, with every stateroom on board occupied by

Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of night he had stolen quietly up the

"'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily through the bung of the barrel, "but it's musty

and damp enough, and, considering the cost, I can't complain. You can't get something for nothing, even in

When the Gehenna had passed down the Styx and out through the beautiful Cimmerian Harbor into the broad

waters of the ocean, and everything was comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock Holmes came down

from the bridge, where he had taken his place as the commander of the expedition at the moment of

departure. His brow was furrowed with anxiety, and through his massive forehead his brain could be seen to

be throbbing violently, and the corrugations of his gray matter were not pleasant to witness as he tried vainly

"What is the matter?" asked Demosthenes, anxiously. "We are not in any danger, are we?"

"No," replied Holmes. "But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the surface of the ocean, and the ripples

which we passed over an hour or two ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful microscope, indicate

to my mind that for some reason at present unknown to me the Houseboat has changed her course. Take that

bubble floating by. It is the last expiring bit of aerial agitation of the Houseboat's wake. Observe whence it

comes. Not from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight course thither the Houseboat had

taken a sharp turn to the northeast, and was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris instead of London

Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from stammering out the exclamation of

"You don't happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?" queried Holmes.

"No," returned the Greek. "Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but these pebbles sort of ballast me and

hold me down. How on earth do you know that that bubble comes from the wake of the Houseboat?"

"By my chemical knowledge, merely," replied Holmes. "A merely worldly vessel leaves a phosphorescent

bubble in its wake. That one we have just discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word which

it seems to me the English language is very much in need of. It proves, then, that the bubble is a portion of

the wake of a Stygian craft, and the only Stygian craft that has cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is the

"We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I presume," sneered Le Coq, who did not

take much stock in the theories of his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition rather than

"You can if you want to, but it is better not to," rejoined Holmes, simply, as though not observing the sneer,

"because the ripple represents the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water; and as any one of the

sides to an angle is greater than the perpendicular from the hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be going

the long way. This is especially important when you consider the formation of the bow of the Houseboat,

which is rounded like the stern of most vessels, and comes near to making a pair of ripples at an angle of

"Then," observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, "we must change our course and sail for Paris?"

"I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but of course it's by no means certain as yet. I think if Columbus would go up

into the mizzentop and look about him, he might discover something either in confirmation or refutation of

"Well, I like that!" retorted Columbus. "I'd like to know who discovered America."

"Tut!" retorted Columbus. "I did it, and the world knows it, whether you claim it or not."

"Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," replied Pinzon. "You sat upon the deck until we ran plumb into an

island, after floating about for three months, and then you couldn't tell it from a continent, even when you had

it right before your eyes. Noah might just as well have told his family that he discovered a roof garden as for

you to go back to Spain telling 'em all that San Salvador was the United States."

"Well, I don't care," said Columbus, with a short laugh. "I'm the one they celebrate, so what's the odds? I'd

rather stay down here in the smokingroom enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that mast and

strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence to prove or disprove the correctness of another

man's theory. I wouldn't know evidence when I saw it, anyhow. Send Judge Blackstone."

"I draw the line at the mizzentop," observed Blackstone. "The dignity of the bench must and shall be

preserved, and I'll never consent to climb up that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter

"Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," put in Holmes, firmly. "I am commander of this ship. It will pay you to

"And I am the Court of Appeals," retorted Blackstone, hotly. "Bear that in mind, captain, when you try to

send me up. I'll issue a writ of habeas corpus on my own body, and commit you for contempt."

"There's no use of sending the Judge, anyhow," said Raleigh, fearing by the glitter that came into the eye of

the commander that trouble might ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to. "He's accustomed to

weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed into a decision. If he saw any evidence, he'd have to sit

on it a week before reaching a conclusion. What we need here more than anything else is an expert seaman, a

lookout, and I nominate Shem. He has sailed under his father, and I have it on good authority that he is a

Holmes hesitated for an instant. He was considering the necessity of disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone,

"Very well," he said. "Shem be it. Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him that general order number one

requires him to report at the mizzentop right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall come

below and make it known to me. As for the rest of us, having a very considerable appetite, I do now decree

"I don't think I care for any, thank you," said Raleigh. "Fact is ahI dined last week, and am not hungry."

Noah laughed. "Oh, come below and watch us eat, then," he said. "It'll do you good."

But there was no reply. Raleigh had plunged head first into his stateroom, which fortunately happened to be

on the upper deck. The rest of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were soon engaged in an

"This," said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, "is what I call comfort. I don't know that I am so anxious

"Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship like this to go off cruising on, and with such a larder. Look at the

"Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, "but II've left my notebub book upstairs, Doctor, and I'd like to

"Certainly," said Dr. Johnson. "I judge from your color, which is highly suggestive of a modern magazine

poster, that it might be well too if you stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries in your

"Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully. "Shall you say anything clever during dinner, sir? If so, I might be

"Get out!" roared the Doctor. "Get up as high as you canget up with Shem on the mizzentop"

"You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor," said Bonaparte; "he means well."

"I know it," observed Johnson; "but he's so very previous. Last winter, at Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a

speech, which Boswell printed a week before it was delivered, with the words 'laughter' and 'uproarious

"Don't know," replied Johnson. "Kind of mindreader, I fancy," he added, blushing a trifle. "But, Captain

Holmes, what do you deduce from your observation of the wake of the Houseboat? If she's going to Paris,

"Always; it doubles your chances of success," acquiesced Holmes. "Anyhow, it gives you a choice, which

makes it more interesting. The change of her course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either that

Kidd is not satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has already taken, and wishes to ruin you gentlemen

financially by turning your wives, daughters, and sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or that the pirates have

themselves been overthrown by the ladies, who have decided to prolong their cruise and get some fun out of

"And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure go?" asked Bonaparte.

"I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels," said Wellington, with a sly wink at Washington.

"Oh, let up on that!" retorted Bonaparte. "It wasn't you beat me at Waterloo. You couldn't have beaten me at a

plain ordinary game of oldmaid with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war, if you hadn't

"Taiseyvoo!" shouted the irate Corsican. "Clear science be hanged! Wet science was what did it. If it hadn't

been for the rain, my little Duke, I should have been in London within a week, my grenadiers would have

been camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all over everywhere else."

"You must have had a gay army, then," laughed Caesar. "What are French soldiers made of, that they can't

"Bah!" observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few paces away. "You do not understand

the French. The Frenchman is not a pellmell soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does not go

in for glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him than honor, and he has no use for

fighting in the wet and coming out of the fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his feathers and his

epaulets rusted with the damp. There is no glory in water. But if we had had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as

every Englishman who comes to the Continent always has, and a bath tub for everybody, then would your

Waterloo have been different again, and the great democracy of Europe with a Bonaparte for emperor would

have been founded for what the Americans call the keeps; and as for your little Great Britain, ha! she would

"You're almost as funny as Punch isn't," drawled Wellington, with an angry gesture at Bonaparte. "You

weren't within telephoning distance of victory all day. We simply played with you, my boy. It was a regular

game of golf for us. We let you keep up pretty close and win a few holes, but on the home drive we had you

beaten in one stroke. Go to, my dear Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood."

"It's a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn't a Frenchman, eh?" said Frederick the Great. "How that rain would

"Oh, pshaw!" ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the quarrel, and putting his arm affectionately

about Bonaparte's shoulder. "When you come down to that, I was Frenchas French as one could be in

those daysand these Gallic subjects of my friend here were, every one of 'em, my lineal descendants, and

"Are not we English as much your descendants?" queried Wellington, arching his eyebrows.

"You are," said Noah, "but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after me. Water never fazes a woman, and

your delight in tubs is an essentially feminine trait. The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry

outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and all sorts of handbaggage. Gad, it makes me laugh to

this day when I think of it! She looked for all the world like an Englishman travelling on the Continent as she

walked up the gangplank behind the elephants, each elephant with a Gladstone bag in his trunk and a

hatbox tied to his tail." Here the venerable old weatherprophet winked at Munchausen, and the little

"I've locked him up in the library," said Holmes. "He's in charge of the log, and as I have a pretty good

general idea as to what is about to happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work

writing it up." Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed his hand to his ear, listened intently for an

instant, and, taking out his watch and glancing at it, added, quietly, "In three minutes Shem will be in here to

"Precisely," said Holmes. "The squeak is what I said, and as I always say what I mean, it follows logically

"I heard no squeak," observed Dr. Johnson; "and, furthermore, I fail to see how a squeak, if I had heard it,

"It would notto you," said Holmes; "but with me it is different. My hearing is unusually acute. I can hear

the dropping of a pin through a stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my eardrum vibrates

thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, and it is by the use of cocaine that I have acquired this

wonderfully acute sense. A property which dulls the senses of most people renders mine doubly

apprehensive; therefore, gentlemen, while to you there was no auricular disturbance, to me there was. I heard

Shem sliding down the mast a minute since. The fact that he slid down the mast instead of climbing down the

rigging showed that he was in great haste, therefore he must have something to communicate of great

"Why isn't he here already, then? It wouldn't take him two minutes to get from the deck here," asked the

"It is simple," returned Holmes, calmly. "If you will go yourself and slide down that mast you will see. Shem

has stopped for a little witchhazel to soothe his burns. It is no cool matter sliding down a mast two hundred

"Because," answered Holmes, confidently, "it never happens so. If you had ever read a truly exciting

seatale, my dear Le Coq, you would have known that interesting things, and particularly signals of distress,

"A black flag, skull and crossbones down, at halfmast!" cried Shem, "and on a rockbound coast!"

"They're marooned, by heavens!" shouted Holmes, springing to his feet and rushing to the deck, where he

"Isn't he a daisy?" whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed the stairs.

"He is more than that; he's a blooming orchid," said Diogenes, with intense enthusiasm. "I think I'll get my

"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded permission to Captain Kidd to

speak, "I have not been introduced to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot

consent to any proceeding so irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor do I permit

"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the principle of my young friend from Troy. It may be that

when we claimed for ourselves all the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other men

without an introduction will included in the list, but I for one have no desire to avail myself of the privilege,

"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said that his suggestion was prompted by his

heartfelt wish, for now that he found himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, with

"Not yet, please," answered the chairlady. "I imagine we can get about this difficulty without much trouble."

"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah, rising. "If we ever needed etiquette we need it

now. But I have a plan which will obviate any further difficulty. If there is no one among us who is

sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally to us, I will for the time being take

upon myself the office of ship's barber and cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper thing for

barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they have not been introduced. And, besides, he

really needs a haircut badly. Thus I shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with

"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in Queen Elizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your

"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, with a kindly smile, as she rose up

from the corner in which she had been sitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the gentleman to you all

with perfect propriety. He's a member of my family. His grandfather was the greatgrandson a thousand and

eight times removed of my son Shem's greatgrandnephew on his father's side. His relationship to me is

therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think he takes more after my husband's

ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these ladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my

most famous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and he has been hanged once, which, far

from making him undesirable as an acquaintance, has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a

The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd

"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under the circumstances, "I feel that I can

speak more freely, and certainly with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were addressing a gathering of

entire strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always felt somewhat nonplussed at finding

myself in a position of this nature. In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible impulse to

make a public address of any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion to which the greatest and

grandest of my greatgrandmothers has alluded, and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in

midair tightened about my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talked impromptu for a year, so fast

and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost import surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over

which I had no control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is therefore lost to the

"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously handsome or desperately ugly," remarked

Helen of Troy. "He fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination of liking or of horror I can't tell, and it's

"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to the point, "I am but the agent of your

respective husbands, fiances, and other masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were previously the tenants

of this clubhouse have delegated to me the important, and I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you

the world. They have noted of late years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every day

more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of the universeon the earth, where women are

clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to go out late at night without an escort, in Hades, where, as you are no

doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen almost wholly into the hands of the Furies; and

even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private lessons in

the art of hurling thunderboltsinformation which the extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the

earth would seem to confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in a most erratic

fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those of you who keep in touch with the outer world must

be fully aware. Now, actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wish to meet the

views of you ladies to just that extent that your views are based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon

experience, and they have come to me and in so many words have said, 'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of

Hades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not like this constantly increasing spirit of

unrest. We, who have seen all the life that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showing

them about. We will pay you liberally if you will take our Houseboat, which they have always been anxious

to enter, and personally conduct our beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of

life as they can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only bring them back again to us safe

and sound.' These were their words, ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying that

even if they were tired of it all, they should make some personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they

answered, reasonably and well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they might

unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you. 'We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain

Kidd,' said they, 'and if we are along they may not feel so.' The answer was convincing, ladies, and I accepted

"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The subject was not broached to us by our

"Well, that's what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I promised to be a sister to him, and I'm going to keep

my word. That's the kind of a queen I am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, turning to the captain,

"that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan, and usually he asked my advice in

"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir Walter intended this as a little surprise for you,

that is all. The arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy. None of

"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia. "If you ladies do not object, I should like to

Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, he put as good a face on the matter as he

could, and announced his willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.

"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is as good as his bond; but I'll take an oath if you

"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now, Captain Kidd, who first proposed this plan?"

"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that would contribute to my pleasure or intellectual

"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe

"Ahhoho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to the roots of her hair. "Very likely.

Youahyou will excuse my doubting your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my remark,

and in order to make fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am now perfectly convinced that you

are telling the truth. That last observation is just like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I ever

"And what wasahBassanio's connection with this affair?" added Portia, hesitatingly.

"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not acquainted with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard

Sir Walter enjoining upon the others the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio,

because he was afraid he would not consent to it. 'Bassanio has a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,' said Sir

Walter, 'and he wouldn't think of parting with her under any circumstances; therefore let us keep our

intentions a secret from him.' I did not hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the others, Prince

Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a

person to be separated from, and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as to their little

A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the cross examiner, and it did not require a very

sharp eye to see that the wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other hand, Elizabeth's

brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of the pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed

"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he was willing to part withahhis

"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this way: Sir Waltererdid say that,

butahheahbut he added that he of course merely judgederthis man Bassanio's feelings by his

"Wellnonot in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein his error lay, "butahI

jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intense enthusiasm for the lady's beauty anderintellectual qualities,

that he referred to you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge as to the fraternal, not to say

"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who, with Abeuchapeta and

"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer. He's perspiring like a pitcher of icewater on a

hot day, and a spirit of his size and volatile nature can't stand much of that without evaporating. If you will

observe him closely you will see that his left arm already has vanished into thin air."

"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let up on him he'll vanish. He's getting excessively

All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he had little expected, the deceitful ambassador

of the thieving band was rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, was in imminent

danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of one possessed of so little elementary purity, meant

nothing short of annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had stemmed the tide of

suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with his explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most

influential ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become a creature worthy of credence,

"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, "to accept from this time on the

gentleman's word. The little that he has already told us is hallmarked with truth. I should like to ask,

however, one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends expected to embark us upon this voyage

"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deepdrawn sigh of relief, for he too had noticed the gradual

evaporation of his arm and the incipient etherization of his cranium"as for that, it was simple enough.

There was to have been a day set apart for ladies' day at the club, and when you were all on board we were

quietly to weigh anchor and start. The fact that you had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was

telephoned by my scouts to me at my headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted by messenger to Sir

Walter at Charon's Glen Island, where the longtalkedof fight between Samson and Goliath was taking

place. Raleigh immediately replied, 'Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love to Elizabeth.'

Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair and walking to the door"wherefore you are here and in

my care. Make yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which you have already

received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you. With the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's

Paris, which you will find in the library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there you resemble a

With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in the arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The

"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she reflected upon the words the captain had

attributed to Socrates. "I didn't believe him at first, but when he told me what my sweet tempered

"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my favorite grandchildren."

"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra, starting up angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!"

Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have created a greater sensation than the

"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that, because while he was telling his story I was

listening to it with one ear and looking forward into the middle of next week with the other I mean the

"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a base caitiff," replied Cassandra"a base

"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events which I must defer to the next chapter.

Meanwhile his associates were endeavoring to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd's spirit

anatomy by the use of a steamatomizer, but with indifferent success. Kidd's training had not fitted him for

"It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra unnecessarily," said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was

about to narrate her story, "that I rise to beg her to remember that, as an ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope

she will spare a grandmother's feelings, if anything in the story she is about to tell is improper to be placed

before the young. I have been so shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that have been

published of late years, that I would interpose a protest while there is yet time if there is a line in Cassandra's

story which ought to be withheld from the public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity, and in the

"You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah," said the prophetess. "What I have to say would

commend itself, I am sure, even to the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a demonstration of

man's perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as harmless a little tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other

"Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind," said Mrs. Noah, settling back in her chair, a

satisfied expression upon her gentle countenance. "I hope you will understand why I spoke, and withal why

modern literature generally has been so distressful to me. When you reflect that the world is satisfied that

most of man's criminal instincts are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and I are unable to shift the

responsibility for posterity to other shoulders than our own, you will understand my position. We were about

the most domestic old couple that ever lived, and when we see the long and varied assortment of crimes that

are cropping out everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us to realize what a pair of unconsciously

"We all understand that," said Cleopatra, kindly; "and we are all prepared to acquit you of any responsibility

for the advanced condition of wickedness today. Man has progressed since your time, my dear grandma,

and the modern improvements in the science of crime are no more attributable to you than the invention of

"Thank you kindly," murmured the old lady, and she resumed her knitting upon a phantom tamo'shanter,

"When Captain Kidd began his story," said Cassandra, "he made one very bad mistake, and yet one which

was prompted by that courtesy which all men instinctively adopt when addressing women. When he entered

the room he removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, if he wished to convince me of the truth of his

story, for with his hat removed I could see the workings of his mind. While you ladies were watching his lips

or his eyes, some of you taking in the gorgeous details of his dress, all of you hanging upon his every word, I

kept my eye fixed firmly upon his imagination, and I saw, what you did not, THAT HE WAS DRAWING

"Yesand fortunate," said Cassandra. "Had I not done so, a week hence we should, every one of us, have

"But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to the beautiful city by the Seine, "he

"Of course he did," said Madame Recamier, "and in so many words. Certainly he was not drawing upon his

"And one might be lost in a very much worse place," put in Marguerite de Valois, "if, indeed, it were possible

to lose us in Paris at all. I fancy that I know enough about Paris to find my way about."

"Humph!" ejaculated Cassandra. "What a foolish little thing you are! You don't imagine that the Paris of

today is the Paris of your time, or even the Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, do you? If you do you are

very much mistaken. I almost wish I had not warned you of your danger and had let you go, just to see those

eyes of yours open with amazement at the change. You'd find your Louvre a very different sort of a place

from what it used to be, my dear lady. Those pleasing little windows through which your relations were wont

in olden times to indulge in target practice at people who didn't go to their church are now kept closed; the

galleries which used to swarm with people, many of whom ought to have been hanged, now swarm with

pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the romance which clung about its walls is as much a

part of the dead past as yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would find yourselves

jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious from other lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred

pictures a minute, and traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which Mercury himself would stand aghast."

"Has been swallowed up by a playground for the people, my dear," said Cassandra, gently. "Paris is no

place for us, and it is the intention of these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and then desert us.

Can you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious romantic past, basely deserted in

the streets of a wholly strange, superficial, material city of today? What do you think, Elizabeth, would be

your fate if, faint and famished, you begged for sustenance at an English door today, and when asked your

"I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna," said Cassandra. "I am, however, my own

Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent detachable hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize myself, and

direct my mind into the future. I was a professional forecaster in the days of ancient Troy, and if my

revelations had been heeded the Priam family would, I doubt not, still be doing business at the old stand, and

Mr. AEneas would not have grown round shouldered giving his poor father a pickyback ride on the

"I never heard about that," said Trilby. "It sounds like a very funny story, though."

"Well, it wasn't so humorous for some as it was for others," said Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen. "The

fact is, until you mentioned it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much fun in any portion of the

Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved

for stealing my thunder. I had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all laughed at me, and said my eye to

the future was strabismatic; that the Greeks couldn't get into Troy at all, even if they wanted to. And then the

Greeks made a great wooden horse as a gift for the Trojans, and when I turned my Xray gaze upon it I saw

that it contained about six brigades of infantry, three artillery regiments, and sharpshooters by the score. It

was a sort of military Noah's Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so strong that nobody would

believe what I told them. So I said nothing. My prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that

my warning as to what would be was in itself the cause of their non fulfilment. But desiring to save Troy, I

sent for Laocoon and told him all about it, and he went out and announced it as his own private prophecy; and

then, having tried to drown his conscience in strong waters, he fell a victim to the usual serpentine

hallucination, and everybody said he wasn't sober, and therefore unworthy of belief. The horse was accepted,

hauled into the city, and that night orders came from hindquarters to the regiments concealed inside to march.

They marched, and next morning Troy had been removed from the map; ninety per cent of the Trojans died

suddenly, and AEneas, grabbing up his family in one hand and his gods in the other, went yachting for

several seasons, ultimately settling down in Italy. All of this could have been avoided if the Trojans would

have taken the hint from my prophecies. They preferred, however, not to do it, with the result that today no

"It is all true," said Helen, proudly. "I was the woman who was at the bottom of it all, and I can testify that

Cassandra always told the truth, which is why she was always so unpopular. When anything that was

unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn and say, sweetly, 'I told you so.' She was the

original 'I told you so' nuisance, and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her, because she never left

them any sensation to spring upon the public. If she had only told a fib once in a while, the public would have

"Thank you for your endorsement," said Cassandra, with a nod at Helen. "With such testimony I cannot see

how you can refrain from taking my advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this man Kidd has made

his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do with our being here than we had; they

were as much surprised as we are to find us gone. Kidd himself was not aware of our presence, and his object

in taking us to Paris is to leave us stranded there, disembodied spirits, vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to

haunt, no place to rest, and nothing before us save perpetual exile in a world that would have no sympathy for

"It is a terrible problem," said Cleopatra, anxiously; "and yet it does seem as if our woman's instinct ought to

"The Committee on Treachery," said Delilah, "has already suggested a chafingdish party, with Lucretia

"That is true," said Lucretia; "but I find, in going through my reticule, that my maid, for some reason

unknown to me, has failed to renew my supply of poisons. I shall discharge her on my return home, for she

knows that I never go anywhere without them; but that does not help matters at this juncture. The sad fact

remains that I could prepare a thousand delicacies for these pirates without fatal results."

"You mean immediately fatal, do you not?" suggested Xanthippe. "I could myself prepare a cake which

would in time reduce our captors to a state of absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not immediate."

"We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing 'Ben Bolt' to them," suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a

"Don't be flippant, please," said Portia. "We haven't time to waste on flippant suggestions. Perhaps a

courtmartial of these pirates, supplemented by a yardarm, wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll prosecute the case."

"You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits," observed Cleopatra. "If these creatures were mortals,

hanging them would be all right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them ten to one,

and have many resources for getting them, more or less, in our power, but they are not. They have gone

through the refining process of dissolution once, and there's an end to that. Our only resource is in the line of

"That is truly said," observed Elizabeth. "And inasmuch as we have already provided ourselves with a

suitable committee for the preparation of our plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest possible

solution of the difficulty for the rest of us, that the Committee on Treachery be requested to go at once into

executive session, with orders not to come out of it until they have suggested a plausible plan of campaign

against our abductors. We must be rid of them. Let the Committee on Treachery say how."

"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah. "You are a very clearheaded young woman, Lizzie, and your

The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair refused to entertain any debate upon the

Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to Cleopatra, which read as follows:

"Dear Madame,Six bells has just struck, and the officers and crew are hungry. Will you and your fair

companions cooperate with us in our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within two hours? A speck

has appeared on the horizon which betokens a coming storm, else we would prepare our supper ourselves. As

it is, we feel that your safety depends on our remaining on deck. If there is any beer on the ice, we prefer it to

"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication. "I have an idea. Tell the Committee on Treachery

The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of operation, and it was unanimously

When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and, gazing intently through it for a moment,

perceived that the faithful Shem had not deceived him. Flying at halfmast from a rude, roughly hewn pole

set upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, "with the second

"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he peered through the glass, "but this beats me.

I didn't know there was an island of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go below and pipe Captain

"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge. "I didn't ship on this voyage as a cabinboy

"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone,

whether you shipped as a Lord ChiefJustice or a stateroom steward. When I issue an order it must be

obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and summon your marines. We may have work to

"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance at Blackstone.

"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So was I when I ordered you in irons, and in order

that you may appreciate the full force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your duty."

In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly found himself manacled and alone in the

forecastle. Meanwhile Captain Cook, in response to the commander's order, repaired to the deck and scanned

"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island was in the Mediterranean, and even if it dragged

"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will please keep off. It's mine, and I may want to use it

again. I've been having a number of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me a lot of new points,

"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes, angrily. "What is the matter with all you

learned lubbers that I have brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought you to whistle up

favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet! I brought you to give me information, and now when I ask

for the name of a simple little island like that in plain sight there's not one of you able so much as to guess at

it reasonably. The next man I ask for information goes into irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn't answer

"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the Captain's threat. "What? Nobody

"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain question, and I want a plain answer, with

"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain," Munchausen responded instantly, pulling himself

together for a mighty effort, "and it has never been given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we'll call

it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not stationary. It is a floating island of lava formation, and is a menace

to every craft that goes to sea. I spent a year of my life upon it once, and it is more barren than the desert of

Sahara, because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh."

"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now that he had got a fair start"canned

food from wrecks, commander. There is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of derelict real

estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the world. A

ship is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose metal upon her will succumb to the

irresistible attraction of this magnetic upper stratum, and will find its way to its shores. So in any other part of

the earth. Everything metallic turns up here sooner or later; and when you consider that thousands of vessels

go down every year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods only, you will begin to comprehend

how many millions of pounds of preserved salmon, sardines, pate de foie gras, peaches, and so on, can be

"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek, coupled with an occasional uneasy

glance of the eye, I know that for once you are standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth, and I

admire you for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth occasionally. You are a man after my

own heart. Come below and have a cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the Gehenna during my

absence; head her straight for Holmes Island, and when you discover anything new let me know. Bonaparte,

in honor of Munchausen's remarkable genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may

release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see that they are

lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of the Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this

With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two worthies were soon deep in the

mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at

"De Foe," said Johnson "that ought to be a lesson to you. This realism that you tie up to is all right when you

are alone with your conscience; but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and a broad view as to

the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You or I might now be drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd

"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he wanted that kind of information. I could have spun

a better yarn than that of Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I gave it."

"I'd like to know what has become of the Houseboat," said Raleigh, anxiously gazing through the glass at

the island. "I can see old Henry Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and his

chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back of him, yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat

"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have gone crazy. He's got that wild look on his face which

betokens insanity. We'll have to be careful in our parleyings with these people," said Raleigh.

"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his lips in enjoyment of the cocktail.

"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte, take a crew of picked men ashore and bring

those pirates aboard. Take the three musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any back

"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors

were pulling for the shore. As they came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the rough,

"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to back water lest the pirates should too

"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic nature. There isn't a square inch of it that

isn't heated up to 125 degrees, and seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has lost his reason;

Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can see through him. As for myself, I am growing iridescent

with anxiety, and unless I get off this infernal furnace I'll disappear like a soapbubble. For Heaven's sake,

As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a

glance at Abeuchapeta was proof enough of his condition. He had become as clear as crystal, and had it not

been for his rugged outlines he would hardly have been visible even to his fellowspirits. As for Kidd, he had

taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it was patent that his fears for himself were all too well founded.

Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning subsequently for the others, and repaired with

them at once to the Gehenna, where they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock Holmes. The first

"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at the wreck of his former self. "We

came ashore, sir, early yesterday morning, in search of food. It appears that whenacting in a wholly

inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of revengeI made off with your clubhouse, I

neglected to ascertain if it were well stocked with provisions, a fatal error; for when we endeavored to get

supper we discovered that the larder contained but half a bottle of farcie olives, two salted almonds, and a

soda crackernot a luxurious feast for sixtynine pirates and a hundred and eightythree women to sit down

"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee had provided enough supper for six

hundred people, in anticipation of the appetite of the members on their return from the fight."

"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too salads, salmon glace, lobstersevery

blessed thing a man can't get at home we had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board. I saw to that

"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims of base treachery on the part of those

"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper save the items I have already referred to,"

said Kidd. "I see it all now. We had tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some considerable

personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, but they were ungrateful."

"We didn't know they were on board until it was too late to turn back. They'd broken in, and were having the

"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh. "Next time you try to take things that don't belong

to you, maybe you'll be a trifle more careful as to whose property you confiscate."

"But the Houseboatyou haven't told us how you lost her," put in Raleigh, impatiently.

"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our polite request for supper, the ladies said there

was nothing to eat on board, something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, and we decided to

go ashore at the first port and provision. Unfortunately the crew got restive, and when this floating

fryingpan loomed into view, to keep them goodnatured we decided to land and see if we could beg,

borrow, or steal some supplies. We had to. Observations taken with the sextant showed that there was no port

within five hundred miles; the island looked as if it might be inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went,

every man of us, leaving the Houseboat safely anchored in the harbor. At first we didn't mind the heat, and

we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were

shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins burst right before my eyes. Then

Abeuchapeta got prismatic around the eyes and began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about myself;

and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take a nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his

whole right side had evaporated. Then we saw what the trouble was. We'd struck this lava island, and were

gradually succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed madly back to the harbor to embark; and our ship,

gentlemen, and your Houseboat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon, and flying from the

flagstaff at the fore were signals of farewell, with an unfeeling P.S. below to this effect: 'DON'T WAIT UP

There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself, while Abeuchapeta and the onesided

"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the whereabouts of the Houseboat," continued

Captain Kidd. "I have no doubt that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and I must say that I

think it was exceedingly clevergranting that it was desirable to be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant

"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot navigate that ship."

"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I judged from the figure at the helm that Mrs.

"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who ran us ashore on Ararat."

"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't want your yacht stranded on a mountaintop,

do you? She was a dead loss there, whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore, we could have

"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit has merely begun, apparently. We must

"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think we'd better look for her in the Himalayas."

"So that we can expel him," said Ward. And while Boswell's hero was trying to get the value of this notion

through his head, the others repaired to the deck, and the Gehenna was soon under way once more.

Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed away in the forecastle, alongside of

If there was anxiety on board of the Gehenna as to the condition and whereabouts of the Houseboat, there

was by no means less uneasiness upon that vessel itself. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and her

abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but, having worked thus, a new and hitherto

undreamedof problem, full of perplexities bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted them. The

sole representative of a seafaring family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did not require much time to see that

her knowledge as to navigation was of an extremely primitive order, limited indeed to the science of floating.

When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes Island, and all was in readiness for action,

the good old lady, who had hitherto been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red in the face and to

"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard room window, she saw Morgan

disappearing in the distance, "the coast is clear, and I resign my position of chairman to you. We place the

vessel in your hands, and ourselves subject to your orders. You are in command. What do you wish us to

"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and starting for the deck. "I'm not certain, but I

think the first thing to do is to get her moving. Do you know, I've never discovered whether this boat was a

"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth, "although I don't know. It seems to me my

brother Raleigh told me they'd had a naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet, when the Houseboat

was carried ten miles down the river, and had to be towed back at enormous expense. They put it in so that if

"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything about these new fangled notions. If

there's any one here who knows anything about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak."

"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory of it in a short while."

"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it. I'll appoint you engineer, and give you all your orders now,

right away, in advance. Set her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written order signed by

me. We might as well be very careful, and have everything done properly, and it might happen that in the

excitement of our trip you would misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal error. Therefore, pay no

attention to unwritten orders. That will do for you for the present. Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and

Madame Recamier, and ten other ladies, and, every morning before breakfast, swab the larboard deck.

Cassandra, Tuesdays you will devote to polishing the brasses in the diningroom, and the balance of your

time I wish you to expend in dusting the bricabrac. Dido, you always were strong at building fires. I'll

make you chief stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen. Inasmuch as the latter's maid has

neglected to supply her with the usual line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's hands the

"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I must confess that I don't approve of your

methods of commanding a ship. A ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting out to be. We

"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words. If I hear any more impudence from you,

I'll put you ashore without a reference; and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I will not tolerate

insubordination. You may, all of you, have one night of the week and alternate Sundays off, but your work

must be done. The regimen I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark, only I didn't have the help I

have now, and things got into very bad shape. We were out forty days, and, while the food was poor and the

"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah, putting her shawl over her shoulders.

"Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first mate. See that things are tidied up a bit here before I return. Have

the windows washed, and tomorrow I want all the rugs and carpets taken up and shaken."

Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after experimenting several times with the various

levers and stopcocks, had finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the engine going,

"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander. "The wheel is roiling up the water at a great rate, but we don't

seem to be going ahead very fastin fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we were on a

"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the side of the Houseboat anxiously.

"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to hurry and find out what it is, or those

"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing to the anchor rope. "It looks to me as if

"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah. "They guessed our plan, and have fastened us to a pole or

"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. "We never had an experience like that on the Ark."

"We've got to pull it up," said Portia. "Order all hands on deck and have it pulled up."

"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs. Noah, indignantly. "The idea! Lifting heavy

pieces of iron, my dear Portia, is not a woman's work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the rope with her

"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth, who had been investigating. "It would be

"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. "I don't care how it is done as long as it is done quickly. It would

The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself cut the hawser with six welldirected

"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly. "I had it suspended over my head for so long a time before I got to

the throne that I couldn't help familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities."

"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move. "I begin to feel easier. It looks now as if we were really

"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we are going backward."

"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah. "We did that on the Ark half the time. It doesn't make any

"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth. "What can you be thinking of? People who walk backward are in

great danger of running into other people. Why not the same with ships? It seems to me, it's a very dangerous

"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. "You are as timid as a zebra. During the Flood, we sailed days and days

and days, going backward. It didn't make a particle of difference how we wentit was as safe one way as

another, and we got just as far away in the end. Our main object now is to get away from the pirates, and

that's what we are doing. Don't get emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in charge. If I think the

boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall go. If you don't like it, it is still not too late to put you ashore."

The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all went well with them, even if Portia had

started the propeller revolving reverse fashion; so that the Houseboat was, as Elizabeth had said, backing

The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned pirates faded from view, and the night

"We're going to have a nasty night, I am afraid," said Xanthippe, looking anxiously out of the port.

"No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly. "I'm sorry for those who have to be out in it."

"That's what I was thinking about," observed Xanthippe. "It's going to be very hard on us keeping watch."

"Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her glasses at Xanthippe.

"Not at all," said Mrs. Noah. "Perfectly absurd. We never did it on the Ark, and it isn't necessary now. I want

you all to go to bed at ten o'clock. I don't think the night air is good for you. Besides, it isn't proper for a

"But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostulated Cleopatra, "what will become of the ship?"

"I guess she'll float through the night whether we are on deck or not," said the commander. "The Ark did,

why not this? Now, girls, these newfangled yachting notions are all nonsense. It's night, and there's a fog as

thick as a stonewall all about us. If there were a hundred of you upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you

couldn't see anything. You might much better be in bed. As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother, I

"What's the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?" demanded Mrs. Noah. "I certainly don't intend

to bother with that tiller until some reason for doing it arises. We haven't any place to steer to yet; we don't

know where we are going. Now, my dear children, be reasonable, and don't worry me. I've had a very hard

day of it, and I feel my responsibilities keenly. Just let me manage, and we'll come out all right. I've had more

A terrible crash interrupted the old lady's remarks. The Houseboat shivered and shook, careened way to one

side, and as quickly righted and stood still. A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment a hundred

and eightythree palefaced, trembling women stood upon the deck, gazing with horror at a great helpless

hulk ten feet to the rear, fastened by broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the sternposts of the

The Houseboat had run her down and her last hour had come, but, thanks to the stanchness of her build and

wonderful beam, the floating clubhouse had withstood the shock of the impact and now rode the waters as

Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in a short while chairs and lifepreservers and

tableseverything that could floathad been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals therein. On

board the Gehenna, those who had not cast themselves into the waters, under the cool direction of Holmes

and Bonaparte, calmly lowered the boats, and in a short while were not only able to felicitate themselves

upon their safety, but had likewise the good fortune to rescue their more impetuous brethren who had

preferred to swim for it. Ultimately, all were brought aboard the Houseboat in safety, and the men in Hades

were once more reunited to their wives, daughters, sisters, and fiancees, and Elizabeth had the satisfaction of

once more saving the life of Raleigh by throwing him her ruff as she had done a year or so previously, when

Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House boat and soon navigated her

safely back into her oldtime berth. The Gehenna went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the

roll was called it was found that all who had set out upon her had returned in safety save Shylock, Kidd, Sir

Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even they were not lost, for, five weeks later, these four worthies were

found early one morning drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the top of a watercask

And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House boat. Back to her moorings, the even

The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves of the privilege, began to think less and

less of the advantages of being men and to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even Xanthippe and

Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their differences, and no longer quarrel as to which is the more

As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the effects of their fearful, though short, exile

upon Holmes Island, and are but shadows of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes has so

endeared himself to his newfound friends that he is quite as popular with them as he is with us, who have

yet to cross the dark river and be subjected to the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership at the