The Pickwick Papers ...........................................................................................................................................1

Charles Dickens.......................................................................................................................................1

CHAPTER I. THE PICKWICKIANS.....................................................................................................2

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 4

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 1

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 8

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 5

CHAPTER VII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON AND KILLING THE CROW, SHOT AT THE CROW AND WOUNDED THE PIGEON; HOW THE DINGLEY DELL CRICKET CLUB PLAYED ALLMUGGLETON, AND HOW ALL MUGGLETON DINED AT THE DINGLEY DELL EXPENSE; WITH OTHER INTERESTING AND INSTRUCTIVE MATTERS 4

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 4

CHAPTER IX. A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE ................................................................................73

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 0

CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S 1

CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY 01

CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIES THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT ANCIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH 06

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 18

CHAPTER XV. IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE OF TWO DISTINGUISHED PERSONS; AND AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC BREAKFAST IN THEIR HOUSE AND GROUNDS: WHICH PUBLIC BREAKFAST LEADS TO THE RECOGNITION OF AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ANOTHER CHAPTER 30

CHAPTER XVI. TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED.........................141

CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS 55

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 59

CHAPTER XIX. A PLEASANT DAY WITH AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION .....................167

CHAPTER XX. SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF BUSINESS, AND THEIR CLERKS MEN OF PLEASURE; AND HOW AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE BETWEEN Mr. WELLER AND HIS LONGLOST PARENT; SHOWING ALSO WHAT CHOICE SPIRITS ASSEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND STUMP, AND WHAT A CAPITAL CHAPTER THE NEXT ONE WILL BE 78

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 89

CHAPTER XXII. Mr. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE WITH A MIDDLEAGED LADY IN YELLOW CURLPAPERS 99

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 10

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 16

CHAPTER XXV. SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS, HOW MAJESTIC AND IMPARTIAL Mr. NUPKINS WAS; AND HOW Mr. WELLER RETURNED Mr. JOB TROTTER'S SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAMEWITH ANOTHER MATTER, WHICH WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE 27

CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 42

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 46

CHAPTER XXVIII. A GOODHUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER, CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF A WEDDING, AND SOME OTHER SPORTS BESIDE: WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAY, EVEN AS GOOD CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELF, ARE NOT QUITE SO RELIGIOUSLY KEPT UP, IN THESE DEGENERATE TIMES 54

CHAPTER XXIX. THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON ...........................267

CHAPTER XXX. HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PROFESSIONS; HOW THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVES ON THE ICE; AND HOW THEIR VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION 73

CHAPTER XXXI. WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES LEARNED THEREIN 81

CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY Mr. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH 92

CHAPTER XXXIII. Mr. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS RESPECTING LITERARY COMPOSITION; AND, ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL, PAYS A SMALL INSTALMENT OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMAN WITH THE RED NOSE 01

CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 12

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 29

CHAPTER XXXVI. THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND TO BE AN AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD, AND A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CALAMITY THAT BEFELL Mr. WINKLE 39

CHAPTER XXXVII. HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR Mr. WELLER'S ABSENCE, BY DESCRIBING A SOIREE TO WHICH HE WAS INVITED AND WENT; ALSO RELATES HOW HE WAS ENTRUSTED BY Mr. PICKWICK WITH A PRIVATE MISSION OF DELICACY AND IMPORTANCE 46

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 56

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 65

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 75

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 83

CHAPTER XLII. ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE, OF THE OLD PROVERB, THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MAN ACQUAINTED WITH STRANGE BEDFELLOWSLIKEWISE CONTAINING Mr. PICKWICK'S EXTRAORDINARY AND STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT TO Mr. SAMUEL WELLER 92

CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST 12

CHAPTER XLIV. DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW BETWEEN Mr. SAMUEL WELLER AND A FAMILY PARTY. Mr. PICKWICK MAKES A TOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE WORLD HE INHABITS, AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT, IN FUTURE, AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE 22

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 34

CHAPTER XLVII. IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS, AND THE TEMPORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGG Mr. WINKLE REAPPEARS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCESMr. PICKWICK'S BENEVOLENCE PROVES STRONGER THAN HIS OBSTINACY 41

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 49

CHAPTER XLIX. CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE ............................458

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 68

CHAPTER LI. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD ACQUAINTANCETO WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR MATTER OF THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SET DOWN, CONCERNING TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF MIGHT AND POWER 78

CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS 89

CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF Mr. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER, WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAY'S INN SQUARECONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE KNOCK AT Mr. PERKER'S DOOR 97

CHAPTER LIV. CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG WHICH CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE TO Mr. SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANS IRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY 07

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 19

CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN Mr. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTSAN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY 27

CHAPTER LVII. IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED, AND EVERYTHING CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION OF EVERYBODY 37

The first ray of light which illumines the gloom, and converts into a dazzling brilliancy that obscurity in

which the earlier history of the public career of the immortal Pickwick would appear to be involved, is

derived from the perusal of the following entry in the Transactions of the Pickwick Club, which the editor of

these papers feels the highest pleasure in laying before his readers, as a proof of the careful attention,

indefatigable assiduity, and nice discrimination, with which his search among the multifarious documents

'May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, Esq., P.V.P.M.P.C. [Perpetual VicePresidentMember Pickwick Club],

'That this Association has heard read, with feelings of unmingled satisfaction, and unqualified approval, the

paper communicated by Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C. [General ChairmanMember Pickwick Club],

entitled "Speculations on the Source of the Hampstead Ponds, with some Observations on the Theory of

Tittlebats;" and that this Association does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel Pickwick,

'That while this Association is deeply sensible of the advantages which must accrue to the cause of science,

from the production to which they have just advertedno less than from the unwearied researches of Samuel

Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., in Hornsey, Highgate, Brixton, and Camberwellthey cannot but entertain a

lively sense of the inestimable benefits which must inevitably result from carrying the speculations of that

learned man into a wider field, from extending his travels, and, consequently, enlarging his sphere of

'That, with the view just mentioned, this Association has taken into its serious consideration a proposal,

emanating from the aforesaid, Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., and three other Pickwickians hereinafter

named, for forming a new branch of United Pickwickians, under the title of The Corresponding Society of the

'That the said proposal has received the sanction and approval of this Association. 'That the Corresponding

Society of the Pickwick Club is therefore hereby constituted; and that Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C.,

Tracy Tupman, Esq., M.P.C., Augustus Snodgrass, Esq., M.P.C., and Nathaniel Winkle, Esq., M.P.C., are

hereby nominated and appointed members of the same; and that they be requested to forward, from time to

time, authenticated accounts of their journeys and investigations, of their observations of character and

manners, and of the whole of their adventures, together with all tales and papers to which local scenery or

'That this Association cordially recognises the principle of every member of the Corresponding Society

defraying his own travelling expenses; and that it sees no objection whatever to the members of the said

society pursuing their inquiries for any length of time they please, upon the same terms.

'That the members of the aforesaid Corresponding Society be, and are hereby informed, that their proposal to

pay the postage of their letters, and the carriage of their parcels, has been deliberated upon by this

Association: that this Association considers such proposal worthy of the great minds from which it emanated,

A casual observer, adds the secretary, to whose notes we are indebted for the following accounta casual

observer might possibly have remarked nothing extraordinary in the bald head, and circular spectacles, which

were intently turned towards his (the secretary's) face, during the reading of the above resolutions: to those

who knew that the gigantic brain of Pickwick was working beneath that forehead, and that the beaming eyes

of Pickwick were twinkling behind those glasses, the sight was indeed an interesting one. There sat the man

who had traced to their source the mighty ponds of Hampstead, and agitated the scientific world with his

Theory of Tittlebats, as calm and unmoved as the deep waters of the one on a frosty day, or as a solitary

specimen of the other in the inmost recesses of an earthen jar. And how much more interesting did the

spectacle become, when, starting into full life and animation, as a simultaneous call for 'Pickwick' burst from

his followers, that illustrious man slowly mounted into the Windsor chair, on which he had been previously

seated, and addressed the club himself had founded. What a study for an artist did that exciting scene present!

The eloquent Pickwick, with one hand gracefully concealed behind his coat tails, and the other waving in air

to assist his glowing declamation; his elevated position revealing those tights and gaiters, which, had they

clothed an ordinary man, might have passed without observation, but which, when Pickwick clothed

themif we may use the expressioninspired involuntary awe and respect; surrounded by the men who had

volunteered to share the perils of his travels, and who were destined to participate in the glories of his

discoveries. On his right sat Mr. Tracy Tupmanthe too susceptible Tupman, who to the wisdom and

experience of maturer years superadded the enthusiasm and ardour of a boy in the most interesting and

pardonable of human weaknesseslove. Time and feeding had expanded that once romantic form; the black

silk waistcoat had become more and more developed; inch by inch had the gold watchchain beneath it

disappeared from within the range of Tupman's vision; and gradually had the capacious chin encroached

upon the borders of the white cravat: but the soul of Tupman had known no change admiration of the fair

sex was still its ruling passion. On the left of his great leader sat the poetic Snodgrass, and near him again the

sporting Winkle; the former poetically enveloped in a mysterious blue cloak with a canineskin collar, and

the latter communicating additional lustre to a new green shootingcoat, plaid neckerchief, and closelyfitted

Mr. Pickwick's oration upon this occasion, together with the debate thereon, is entered on the Transactions of

the Club. Both bear a strong affinity to the discussions of other celebrated bodies; and, as it is always

interesting to trace a resemblance between the proceedings of great men, we transfer the entry to these pages.

'Mr. Pickwick observed (says the secretary) that fame was dear to the heart of every man. Poetic fame was

dear to the heart of his friend Snodgrass; the fame of conquest was equally dear to his friend Tupman; and the

desire of earning fame in the sports of the field, the air, and the water was uppermost in the breast of his

friend Winkle. He (Mr. Pickwick) would not deny that he was influenced by human passions and human

feelings (cheers) possibly by human weaknesses (loud cries of "No"); but this he would say, that if ever the

fire of selfimportance broke out in his bosom, the desire to benefit the human race in preference effectually

quenched it. The praise of mankind was his swing; philanthropy was his insurance office. (Vehement

cheering.) He had felt some pridehe acknowledged it freely, and let his enemies make the most of ithe

had felt some pride when he presented his Tittlebatian Theory to the world; it might be celebrated or it might

not. (A cry of "It is," and great cheering.) He would take the assertion of that honourable Pickwickian whose

voice he had just heardit was celebrated; but if the fame of that treatise were to extend to the farthest

confines of the known world, the pride with which he should reflect on the authorship of that production

would be as nothing compared with the pride with which he looked around him, on this, the proudest moment

of his existence. (Cheers.) He was a humble individual. ("No, no.") Still he could not but feel that they had

selected him for a service of great honour, and of some danger. Travelling was in a troubled state, and the

minds of coachmen were unsettled. Let them look abroad and contemplate the scenes which were enacting

around them. Stagecoaches were upsetting in all directions, horses were bolting, boats were overturning,

and boilers were bursting. (Cheersa voice "No.") No! (Cheers.) Let that honourable Pickwickian who cried

"No" so loudly come forward and deny it, if he could. (Cheers.) Who was it that cried "No"? (Enthusiastic

cheering.) Was it some vain and disappointed manhe would not say haberdasher (loud cheers) who,

jealous of the praise which had beenperhaps undeservedly bestowed on his (Mr. Pickwick's) researches,

and smarting under the censure which had been heaped upon his own feeble attempts at rivalry, now took this

'Mr. BLOTTON (of Aldgate) rose to order. Did the honourable Pickwickian allude to him? (Cries of "Order,"

'Mr. PICKWICK would not put up to be put down by clamour. He had alluded to the honourable gentleman.

'Mr. BLOTTON would only say then, that he repelled the hon. gent.'s false and scurrilous accusation, with

profound contempt. (Great cheering.) The hon. gent. was a humbug. (Immense confusion, and loud cries of

'Mr. A. SNODGRASS rose to order. He threw himself upon the chair. (Hear.) He wished to know whether

this disgraceful contest between two members of that club should be allowed to continue. (Hear, hear.)

'The CHAIRMAN was quite sure the hon. Pickwickian would withdraw the expression he had just made use

'Mr. BLOTTON, with all possible respect for the chair, was quite sure he would not.

'The CHAIRMAN felt it his imperative duty to demand of the honourable gentleman, whether he had used

'Mr. BLOTTON had no hesitation in saying that he had nothe had used the word in its Pickwickian sense.

(Hear, hear.) He was bound to acknowledge that, personally, he entertained the highest regard and esteem for

the honourable gentleman; he had merely considered him a humbug in a Pickwickian point of view. (Hear,

'Mr. PICKWICK felt much gratified by the fair, candid, and full explanation of his honourable friend. He

begged it to be at once understood, that his own observations had been merely intended to bear a Pickwickian

Here the entry terminates, as we have no doubt the debate did also, after arriving at such a highly satisfactory

and intelligible point. We have no official statement of the facts which the reader will find recorded in the

next chapter, but they have been carefully collated from letters and other MS. authorities, so unquestionably

That punctual servant of all work, the sun, had just risen, and begun to strike a light on the morning of the

thirteenth of May, one thousand eight hundred and twentyseven, when Mr. Samuel Pickwick burst like

another sun from his slumbers, threw open his chamber window, and looked out upon the world beneath.

Goswell Street was at his feet, Goswell Street was on his right handas far as the eye could reach, Goswell

Street extended on his left; and the opposite side of Goswell Street was over the way. 'Such,' thought Mr.

Pickwick, 'are the narrow views of those philosophers who, content with examining the things that lie before

them, look not to the truths which are hidden beyond. As well might I be content to gaze on Goswell Street

for ever, without one effort to penetrate to the hidden countries which on every side surround it.' And having

given vent to this beautiful reflection, Mr. Pickwick proceeded to put himself into his clothes, and his clothes

into his portmanteau. Great men are seldom over scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire; the operation

of shaving, dressing, and coffeeimbibing was soon performed; and, in another hour, Mr. Pickwick, with his

portmanteau in his hand, his telescope in his greatcoat pocket, and his notebook in his waistcoat, ready for

the reception of any discoveries worthy of being noted down, had arrived at the coachstand in St.

'Here you are, sir,' shouted a strange specimen of the human race, in a sackcloth coat, and apron of the same,

who, with a brass label and number round his neck, looked as if he were catalogued in some collection of

rarities. This was the waterman. 'Here you are, sir. Now, then, fust cab!' And the first cab having been fetched

from the publichouse, where he had been smoking his first pipe, Mr. Pickwick and his portmanteau were

'Only a bob's vorth, Tommy,' cried the driver sulkily, for the information of his friend the waterman, as the

'How old is that horse, my friend?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his nose with the shilling he had reserved

'What!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, laying his hand upon his notebook. The driver reiterated his former

statement. Mr. Pickwick looked very hard at the man's face, but his features were immovable, so he noted

down the fact forthwith. 'And how long do you keep him out at a time?'inquired Mr. Pickwick, searching for

'He lives at Pentonwil when he's at home,' observed the driver coolly, 'but we seldom takes him home, on

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 5

'He always falls down when he's took out o' the cab,' continued the driver, 'but when he's in it, we bears him

up werry tight, and takes him in werry short, so as he can't werry well fall down; and we've got a pair o'

precious large wheels on, so ven he does move, they run after him, and he must go onhe can't help it.'

Mr. Pickwick entered every word of this statement in his note book, with the view of communicating it to

the club, as a singular instance of the tenacity of life in horses under trying circumstances. The entry was

scarcely completed when they reached the Golden Cross. Down jumped the driver, and out got Mr. Pickwick.

Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. Winkle, who had been anxiously waiting the arrival of their illustrious

What was the learned man's astonishment, when that unaccountable person flung the money on the pavement,

and requested in figurative terms to be allowed the pleasure of fighting him (Mr. Pickwick) for the amount!

'Come on!' said the cabdriver, sparring away like clockwork. 'Come onall four on you.'

'Here's a lark!' shouted half a dozen hackney coachmen. 'Go to vork, Sam!and they crowded with great

'Row!' replied the cabman, 'what did he want my number for?' 'I didn't want your number,' said the astonished

'Would anybody believe,' continued the cabdriver, appealing to the crowd, 'would anybody believe as an

informer'ud go about in a man's cab, not only takin' down his number, but ev'ry word he says into the bargain'

'Yes, did he,' replied the first; 'and then arter aggerawatin' me to assault him, gets three witnesses here to

prove it. But I'll give it him, if I've six months for it. Come on!' and the cabman dashed his hat upon the

ground, with a reckless disregard of his own private property, and knocked Mr. Pickwick's spectacles off, and

followed up the attack with a blow on Mr. Pickwick's nose, and another on Mr. Pickwick's chest, and a third

in Mr. Snodgrass's eye, and a fourth, by way of variety, in Mr. Tupman's waistcoat, and then danced into the

road, and then back again to the pavement, and finally dashed the whole temporary supply of breath out of

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 6

'Come on,' cried the cabman, who had been sparring without cessation the whole time.

The mob hitherto had been passive spectators of the scene, but as the intelligence of the Pickwickians being

informers was spread among them, they began to canvass with considerable vivacity the propriety of

enforcing the heated pastryvendor's proposition: and there is no saying what acts of personal aggression

they might have committed, had not the affray been unexpectedly terminated by the interposition of a

'What's the fun?' said a rather tall, thin, young man, in a green coat, emerging suddenly from the coachyard.

'We are not,' roared Mr. Pickwick, in a tone which, to any dispassionate listener, carried conviction with it.

'Ain't you, thoughain't you?' said the young man, appealing to Mr. Pickwick, and making his way through

the crowd by the infallible process of elbowing the countenances of its component members.

'Come along, then,' said he of the green coat, lugging Mr. Pickwick after him by main force, and talking the

whole way. Here, No. 924, take your fare, and take yourself offrespectable gentlemanknow him

wellnone of your nonsensethis way, sirwhere's your friends?all a mistake, I seenever mind

accidents will happenbest regulated familiesnever say die down upon your luckPull him UPPut

that in his pipelike the flavourdamned rascals.' And with a lengthened string of similar broken

sentences, delivered with extraordinary volubility, the stranger led the way to the traveller's waitingroom,

'Here, waiter!' shouted the stranger, ringing the bell with tremendous violence, 'glasses

roundbrandyandwater, hot and strong, and sweet, and plenty,eye damaged, Sir? Waiter! raw

beefsteak for the gentleman's eyenothing like raw beefsteak for a bruise, sir; cold lamppost very good,

but lamppost inconvenientdamned odd standing in the open street half an hour, with your eye against a

lampposteh,very good ha! ha!' And the stranger, without stopping to take breath, swallowed at a

draught full half a pint of the reeking brandyand water, and flung himself into a chair with as much ease as

While his three companions were busily engaged in proffering their thanks to their new acquaintance, Mr.

He was about the middle height, but the thinness of his body, and the length of his legs, gave him the

appearance of being much taller. The green coat had been a smart dress garment in the days of swallowtails,

but had evidently in those times adorned a much shorter man than the stranger, for the soiled and faded

sleeves scarcely reached to his wrists. It was buttoned closely up to his chin, at the imminent hazard of

splitting the back; and an old stock, without a vestige of shirt collar, ornamented his neck. His scanty black

trousers displayed here and there those shiny patches which bespeak long service, and were strapped very

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 7

tightly over a pair of patched and mended shoes, as if to conceal the dirty white stockings, which were

nevertheless distinctly visible. His long, black hair escaped in negligent waves from beneath each side of his

old pinchedup hat; and glimpses of his bare wrists might be observed between the tops of his gloves and the

cuffs of his coat sleeves. His face was thin and haggard; but an indescribable air of jaunty impudence and

Such was the individual on whom Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles (which he had fortunately

recovered), and to whom he proceeded, when his friends had exhausted themselves, to return in chosen terms

'Never mind,' said the stranger, cutting the address very short, 'said enoughno more; smart chap that

cabmanhandled his fives well; but if I'd been your friend in the green jemmy damn mepunch his

This coherent speech was interrupted by the entrance of the Rochester coachman, to announce that 'the

'Commodore!' said the stranger, starting up, 'my coach place booked,one outsideleave you to pay for

the brandy andwater,want change for a five,bad silverBrummagem buttonswon't dono

Now it so happened that Mr. Pickwick and his three companions had resolved to make Rochester their first

haltingplace too; and having intimated to their newfound acquaintance that they were journeying to the

same city, they agreed to occupy the seat at the back of the coach, where they could all sit together.

'Up with you,' said the stranger, assisting Mr. Pickwick on to the roof with so much precipitation as to impair

'Any luggage, Sir?' inquired the coachman. 'WhoI? Brown paper parcel here, that's allother luggage

gone by waterpackingcases, nailed upbig as houses heavy, heavy, damned heavy,' replied the

stranger, as he forced into his pocket as much as he could of the brown paper parcel, which presented most

'Heads, headstake care of your heads!' cried the loquacious stranger, as they came out under the low

archway, which in those days formed the entrance to the coachyard. 'Terrible place dangerous

archcrashknockchildren look roundmother's head offsandwich in her handno mouth to put it

inhead of a family offshocking, shocking! Looking at Whitehall, sir?fine placelittle

windowsomebody else's head off there, eh, sir?he didn't keep a sharp lookout enough eithereh, Sir,

'I am ruminating,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'on the strange mutability of human affairs.'

'Ah! I seein at the palace door one day, out at the window the next. Philosopher, Sir?' 'An observer of

'Ah, so am I. Most people are when they've little to do and less to get. Poet, Sir?'

'So have I,' said the stranger. 'Epic poemten thousand lines revolution of Julycomposed it on the

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 8

'Present! think I was;* fired a musketfired with an idea rushed into wine shopwrote it downback

againwhiz, bang another ideawine shop againpen and inkback again cut and slashnoble

oncepointersurprising instinctout shooting one dayentering inclosurewhistleddog stopped

transfixedstaring at a board looked up, saw an inscription"Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs

'Singular circumstance that,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Will you allow me to make a note of it?'

'Certainly, Sir, certainlyhundred more anecdotes of the same animal.Fine girl, Sir' (to Mr. Tracy

Tupman, who had been bestowing sundry antiPickwickian glances on a young lady by the roadside).

'English girls not so fine as Spanishnoble creaturesjet hair black eyeslovely formssweet

'Conquests! Thousands. Don Bolaro Fizzgiggrandeeonly daughterDonna Christinasplendid

creatureloved me to distractionjealous fatherhighsouled daughterhandsome EnglishmanDonna

Christina in despairprussic acid stomach pump in my portmanteauoperation performedold Bolaro

in ecstasiesconsent to our unionjoin hands and floods of tearsromantic storyvery.'

'Is the lady in England now, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, on whom the description of her charms had produced

'Dead, sirdead,' said the stranger, applying to his right eye the brief remnant of a very old cambric

handkerchief. 'Never recovered the stomach pumpundermined constitutionfell a victim.'

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 9

'Remorse and misery,' replied the stranger. 'Sudden disappearancetalk of the whole citysearch made

everywhere without successpublic fountain in the great square suddenly ceased playingweeks

elapsedstill a stoppageworkmen employed to clean itwater drawn offfatherinlaw discovered

sticking head first in the main pipe, with a full confession in his right boottook him out, and the fountain

'Will you allow me to note that little romance down, Sir?' said Mr. Snodgrass, deeply affected.

'Certainly, Sir, certainlyfifty more if you like to hear 'em strange life minerather curious historynot

In this strain, with an occasional glass of ale, by way of parenthesis, when the coach changed horses, did the

stranger proceed, until they reached Rochester bridge, by which time the notebooks, both of Mr. Pickwick

'Magnificent ruin!' said Mr. Augustus Snodgrass, with all the poetic fervour that distinguished him, when

'What a sight for an antiquarian!' were the very words which fell from Mr. Pickwick's mouth, as he applied

'Ah! fine place,' said the stranger, 'glorious pilefrowning wallstottering archesdark

nookscrumbling staircasesold cathedral tooearthy smellpilgrims' feet wore away the old

stepslittle Saxon doorsconfessionals like moneytakers' boxes at theatresqueer customers those

monkspopes, and lord treasurers, and all sorts of old fellows, with great red faces, and broken noses,

toostrange stories: capital;' and the stranger continued to soliloquise until they reached the Bull Inn, in the

dearhalfacrown in the bill if you look at the waitercharge you more if you dine at a friend's than they

Mr. Winkle turned to Mr. Pickwick, and murmured a few words; a whisper passed from Mr. Pickwick to Mr.

Snodgrass, from Mr. Snodgrass to Mr. Tupman, and nods of assent were exchanged. Mr. Pickwick addressed

'You rendered us a very important service this morning, sir,' said he, 'will you allow us to offer a slight mark

'Great pleasurenot presume to dictate, but broiled fowl and mushroomscapital thing! What time?'

'Let me see,' replied Mr. Pickwick, referring to his watch, 'it is now nearly three. Shall we say five?'

'Suit me excellently,' said the stranger, 'five preciselytill thencare of yourselves;' and lifting the

pinchedup hat a few inches from his head, and carelessly replacing it very much on one side, the stranger,

with half the brown paper parcel sticking out of his pocket, walked briskly up the yard, and turned into the

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 10

'Evidently a traveller in many countries, and a close observer of men and things,' said Mr. Pickwick.

Mr. Tupman said nothing; but he thought of Donna Christina, the stomach pump, and the fountain; and his

A private sittingroom having been engaged, bedrooms inspected, and dinner ordered, the party walked out

We do not find, from a careful perusal of Mr. Pickwick's notes of the four towns, Stroud, Rochester,

Chatham, and Brompton, that his impressions of their appearance differ in any material point from those of

other travellers who have gone over the same ground. His general description is easily abridged.

'The principal productions of these towns,' says Mr. Pickwick, 'appear to be soldiers, sailors, Jews, chalk,

shrimps, officers, and dockyard men. The commodities chiefly exposed for sale in the public streets are

marine stores, hardbake, apples, flatfish, and oysters. The streets present a lively and animated appearance,

occasioned chiefly by the conviviality of the military. It is truly delightful to a philanthropic mind to see these

gallant men staggering along under the influence of an overflow both of animal and ardent spirits; more

especially when we remember that the following them about, and jesting with them, affords a cheap and

innocent amusement for the boy population. Nothing,' adds Mr. Pickwick, 'can exceed their goodhumour. It

was but the day before my arrival that one of them had been most grossly insulted in the house of a publican.

The barmaid had positively refused to draw him any more liquor; in return for which he had (merely in

playfulness) drawn his bayonet, and wounded the girl in the shoulder. And yet this fine fellow was the very

first to go down to the house next morning and express his readiness to overlook the matter, and forget what

'The consumption of tobacco in these towns,' continues Mr. Pickwick, 'must be very great, and the smell

which pervades the streets must be exceedingly delicious to those who are extremely fond of smoking. A

superficial traveller might object to the dirt, which is their leading characteristic; but to those who view it as

Punctual to five o'clock came the stranger, and shortly afterwards the dinner. He had divested himself of his

brown paper parcel, but had made no alteration in his attire, and was, if possible, more loquacious than ever.

'Solesah!capital fishall come from Londonstage coach proprietors get up political

'With pleasure,' said Mr. Pickwick; and the stranger took wine, first with him, and then with Mr. Snodgrass,

and then with Mr. Tupman, and then with Mr. Winkle, and then with the whole party together, almost as

'Devil of a mess on the staircase, waiter,' said the stranger. 'Forms going upcarpenters coming

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 11

'Many fine women in this town, do you know, Sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, with great interest.

'Splendidcapital. Kent, sireverybody knows Kent apples, cherries, hops, and women. Glass of wine,

'I should very much like to go,' said Mr. Tupman, resuming the subject of the ball, 'very much.'

Mr. Tupman again expressed an earnest wish to be present at the festivity; but meeting with no response in

the darkened eye of Mr. Snodgrass, or the abstracted gaze of Mr. Pickwick, he applied himself with great

interest to the port wine and dessert, which had just been placed on the table. The waiter withdrew, and the

'Beg your pardon, sir,' said the stranger, 'bottle standspass it roundway of the sunthrough the

buttonholeno heeltaps,' and he emptied his glass, which he had filled about two minutes before, and

The wine was passed, and a fresh supply ordered. The visitor talked, the Pickwickians listened. Mr. Tupman

felt every moment more disposed for the ball. Mr. Pickwick's countenance glowed with an expression of

'They're beginning upstairs,' said the stranger'hear the companyfiddles tuningnow the harpthere

they go.' The various sounds which found their way downstairs announced the commencement of the first

'So should I,' said the stranger'confounded luggage,heavy smacksnothing to go inodd, ain't it?'

Now general benevolence was one of the leading features of the Pickwickian theory, and no one was more

remarkable for the zealous manner in which he observed so noble a principle than Mr. Tracy Tupman. The

number of instances recorded on the Transactions of the Society, in which that excellent man referred objects

of charity to the houses of other members for leftoff garments or pecuniary relief is almost incredible. 'I

should be very happy to lend you a change of apparel for the purpose,' said Mr. Tracy Tupman, 'but you are

'Rather fatgrownup Bacchuscut the leavesdismounted from the tub, and adopted kersey, eh?not

Whether Mr. Tupman was somewhat indignant at the peremptory tone in which he was desired to pass the

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 12

wine which the stranger passed so quickly away, or whether he felt very properly scandalised at an influential

member of the Pickwick Club being ignominiously compared to a dismounted Bacchus, is a fact not yet

completely ascertained. He passed the wine, coughed twice, and looked at the stranger for several seconds

with a stern intensity; as that individual, however, appeared perfectly collected, and quite calm under his

searching glance, he gradually relaxed, and reverted to the subject of the ball.

'I was about to observe, Sir,' he said, 'that though my apparel would be too large, a suit of my friend Mr.

The stranger took Mr. Winkle's measure with his eye, and that feature glistened with satisfaction as he said,

Mr. Tupman looked round him. The wine, which had exerted its somniferous influence over Mr. Snodgrass

and Mr. Winkle, had stolen upon the senses of Mr. Pickwick. That gentleman had gradually passed through

the various stages which precede the lethargy produced by dinner, and its consequences. He had undergone

the ordinary transitions from the height of conviviality to the depth of misery, and from the depth of misery to

the height of conviviality. Like a gaslamp in the street, with the wind in the pipe, he had exhibited for a

moment an unnatural brilliancy, then sank so low as to be scarcely discernible; after a short interval, he had

burst out again, to enlighten for a moment; then flickered with an uncertain, staggering sort of light, and then

gone out altogether. His head was sunk upon his bosom, and perpetual snoring, with a partial choke

The temptation to be present at the ball, and to form his first impressions of the beauty of the Kentish ladies,

was strong upon Mr. Tupman. The temptation to take the stranger with him was equally great. He was wholly

unacquainted with the place and its inhabitants, and the stranger seemed to possess as great a knowledge of

both as if he had lived there from his infancy. Mr. Winkle was asleep, and Mr. Tupman had had sufficient

experience in such matters to know that the moment he awoke he would, in the ordinary course of nature, roll

heavily to bed. He was undecided. 'Fill your glass, and pass the wine,' said the indefatigable visitor.

Mr. Tupman did as he was requested; and the additional stimulus of the last glass settled his determination.

'Winkle's bedroom is inside mine,' said Mr. Tupman; 'I couldn't make him understand what I wanted, if I

woke him now, but I know he has a dresssuit in a carpet bag; and supposing you wore it to the ball, and took

it off when we returned, I could replace it without troubling him at all about the matter.'

'Capital,' said the stranger, 'famous plandamned odd situationfourteen coats in the packingcases, and

'Not worth while splitting a guinea,' said the stranger, 'toss who shall pay for bothI call; you spinfirst

timewoman womanbewitching woman,' and down came the sovereign with the dragon (called by

Mr. Tupman rang the bell, purchased the tickets, and ordered chamber candlesticks. In another quarter of an

hour the stranger was completely arrayed in a full suit of Mr. Nathaniel Winkle's.

'It's a new coat,' said Mr. Tupman, as the stranger surveyed himself with great complacency in a cheval glass;

'the first that's been made with our club button,' and he called his companions' attention to the large gilt

button which displayed a bust of Mr. Pickwick in the centre, and the letters 'P. C.' on either side.

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 13

'"P. C."' said the stranger'queer set outold fellow's likeness, and "P. C."What does "P. C." stand

Mr. Tupman, with rising indignation and great importance, explained the mystic device.

'Rather short in the waist, ain't it?' said the stranger, screwing himself round to catch a glimpse in the glass of

the waist buttons, which were halfway up his back. 'Like a general postman's coat queer coats

thosemade by contractno measuring mysterious dispensations of Providenceall the short men get

long coatsall the long men short ones.' Running on in this way, Mr. Tupman's new companion adjusted his

dress, or rather the dress of Mr. Winkle; and, accompanied by Mr. Tupman, ascended the staircase leading to

'What names, sir?' said the man at the door. Mr. Tracy Tupman was stepping forward to announce his own

'No names at all;' and then he whispered Mr. Tupman, 'names won't donot knownvery good names in

their way, but not great onescapital names for a small party, but won't make an impression in public

assembliesincog. the thing gentlemen from Londondistinguished foreignersanything.' The door

It was a long room, with crimsoncovered benches, and wax candles in glass chandeliers. The musicians

were securely confined in an elevated den, and quadrilles were being systematically got through by two or

three sets of dancers. Two cardtables were made up in the adjoining cardroom, and two pair of old ladies,

The finale concluded, the dancers promenaded the room, and Mr. Tupman and his companion stationed

'Wait a minute,' said the stranger, 'fun presentlynobs not come yetqueer placedockyard people of

upper rank don't know dockyard people of lower rankdockyard people of lower rank don't know small

'Who's that little boy with the light hair and pink eyes, in a fancy dress?'inquired Mr. Tupman.

'Sir Thomas Clubber, Lady Clubber, and the Misses Clubber!' shouted the man at the door in a stentorian

voice. A great sensation was created throughout the room by the entrance of a tall gentleman in a blue coat

and bright buttons, a large lady in blue satin, and two young ladies, on a similar scale, in fashionably made

'Commissionerhead of the yardgreat manremarkably great man,' whispered the stranger in Mr.

Tupman's ear, as the charitable committee ushered Sir Thomas Clubber and family to the top of the room.

The Honourable Wilmot Snipe, and other distinguished gentlemen crowded to render homage to the Misses

Clubber; and Sir Thomas Clubber stood bolt upright, and looked majestically over his black kerchief at the

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 14

'Something in the yard,' replied the stranger. Mr. Smithie bowed deferentially to Sir Thomas Clubber; and Sir

Thomas Clubber acknowledged the salute with conscious condescension. Lady Clubber took a telescopic

view of Mrs. Smithie and family through her eyeglass and Mrs. Smithie stared in her turn at Mrs.

'Head of the garrison,' said the stranger, in reply to Mr. Tupman's inquiring look.

Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed by the Misses Clubber; the greeting between Mrs. Colonel Bulder and

Lady Clubber was of the most affectionate description; Colonel Bulder and Sir Thomas Clubber exchanged

snuffboxes, and looked very much like a pair of Alexander Selkirks'Monarchs of all they surveyed.'

While the aristocracy of the placethe Bulders, and Clubbers, and Snipeswere thus preserving their

dignity at the upper end of the room, the other classes of society were imitating their example in other parts of

it. The less aristocratic officers of the 97th devoted themselves to the families of the less important

functionaries from the dockyard. The solicitors' wives, and the winemerchant's wife, headed another grade

(the brewer's wife visited the Bulders); and Mrs. Tomlinson, the postoffice keeper, seemed by mutual

One of the most popular personages, in his own circle, present, was a little fat man, with a ring of upright

black hair round his head, and an extensive bald plain on the top of itDoctor Slammer, surgeon to the 97th.

The doctor took snuff with everybody, chatted with everybody, laughed, danced, made jokes, played whist,

did everything, and was everywhere. To these pursuits, multifarious as they were, the little doctor added a

more important one than anyhe was indefatigable in paying the most unremitting and devoted attention to

a little old widow, whose rich dress and profusion of ornament bespoke her a most desirable addition to a

Upon the doctor, and the widow, the eyes of both Mr. Tupman and his companion had been fixed for some

'Lots of moneyold girlpompous doctornot a bad idea good fun,' were the intelligible sentences

which issued from his lips. Mr. Tupman looked inquisitively in his face. 'I'll dance with the widow,' said the

'Don't knownever saw her in all my lifecut out the doctor here goes.' And the stranger forthwith

crossed the room; and, leaning against a mantelpiece, commenced gazing with an air of respectful and

melancholy admiration on the fat countenance of the little old lady. Mr. Tupman looked on, in mute

astonishment. The stranger progressed rapidly; the little doctor danced with another lady; the widow dropped

her fan; the stranger picked it up, and presented ita smilea bowa curtseya few words of

conversation. The stranger walked boldly up to, and returned with, the master of the ceremonies; a little

introductory pantomime; and the stranger and Mrs. Budger took their places in a quadrille.

The surprise of Mr. Tupman at this summary proceeding, great as it was, was immeasurably exceeded by the

astonishment of the doctor. The stranger was young, and the widow was flattered. The doctor's attentions

were unheeded by the widow; and the doctor's indignation was wholly lost on his imperturbable rival. Doctor

Slammer was paralysed. He, Doctor Slammer, of the 97th, to be extinguished in a moment, by a man whom

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 15

nobody had ever seen before, and whom nobody knew even now! Doctor SlammerDoctor Slammer of the

97th rejected! Impossible! It could not be! Yes, it was; there they were. What! introducing his friend! Could

he believe his eyes! He looked again, and was under the painful necessity of admitting the veracity of his

optics; Mrs. Budger was dancing with Mr. Tracy Tupman; there was no mistaking the fact. There was the

widow before him, bouncing bodily here and there, with unwonted vigour; and Mr. Tracy Tupman hopping

about, with a face expressive of the most intense solemnity, dancing (as a good many people do) as if a

quadrille were not a thing to be laughed at, but a severe trial to the feelings, which it requires inflexible

Silently and patiently did the doctor bear all this, and all the handings of negus, and watching for glasses, and

darting for biscuits, and coquetting, that ensued; but, a few seconds after the stranger had disappeared to lead

Mrs. Budger to her carriage, he darted swiftly from the room with every particle of his hitherto bottledup

indignation effervescing, from all parts of his countenance, in a perspiration of passion.

The stranger was returning, and Mr. Tupman was beside him. He spoke in a low tone, and laughed. The little

'Sir!' said the doctor, in an awful voice, producing a card, and retiring into an angle of the passage, 'my name

is Slammer, Doctor Slammer, sir97th RegimentChatham Barracksmy card, Sir, my card.' He would

'Ah!' replied the stranger coolly, 'Slammermuch obliged polite attentionnot ill now, Slammerbut

'Youyou're a shuffler, sir,' gasped the furious doctor, 'a poltroona cowarda liaraawill nothing

induce you to give me your card, sir!' 'Oh! I see,' said the stranger, half aside, 'negus too strong here liberal

landlordvery foolishverylemonade much better hot roomselderly gentlemensuffer for it in

'You are stopping in this house, Sir,' said the indignant little man; 'you are intoxicated now, Sir; you shall

hear from me in the morning, sir. I shall find you out, sir; I shall find you out.'

Doctor Slammer looked unutterable ferocity, as he fixed his hat on his head with an indignant knock; and the

stranger and Mr. Tupman ascended to the bedroom of the latter to restore the borrowed plumage to the

That gentleman was fast asleep; the restoration was soon made. The stranger was extremely jocose; and Mr.

Tracy Tupman, being quite bewildered with wine, negus, lights, and ladies, thought the whole affair was an

exquisite joke. His new friend departed; and, after experiencing some slight difficulty in finding the orifice in

his nightcap, originally intended for the reception of his head, and finally overturning his candlestick in his

struggles to put it on, Mr. Tracy Tupman managed to get into bed by a series of complicated evolutions, and

Seven o'clock had hardly ceased striking on the following morning, when Mr. Pickwick's comprehensive

mind was aroused from the state of unconsciousness, in which slumber had plunged it, by a loud knocking at

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 16

'Please, sir, can you tell me which gentleman of your party wears a bright blue dresscoat, with a gilt button

'It's been given out to brush,' thought Mr. Pickwick, 'and the man has forgotten whom it belongs to.' 'Mr.

Winkle,'he called out, 'next room but two, on the right hand.' 'Thank'ee, sir,' said the Boots, and away he

'What's the matter?' cried Mr. Tupman, as a loud knocking at his door roused hint from his oblivious repose.

'WinkleWinkle!' shouted Mr. Tupman, calling into the inner room. 'Hollo!' replied a faint voice from

'You're wantedsome one at the door;' and, having exerted himself to articulate thus much, Mr. Tracy

'Wanted!' said Mr. Winkle, hastily jumping out of bed, and putting on a few articles of clothing; 'wanted! at

'Gentleman in the coffeeroom, sir,' replied the Boots, as Mr. Winkle opened the door and confronted him;

He hurriedly wrapped himself in a travellingshawl and dressinggown, and proceeded downstairs. An old

woman and a couple of waiters were cleaning the coffeeroom, and an officer in undress uniform was

looking out of the window. He turned round as Mr. Winkle entered, and made a stiff inclination of the head.

Having ordered the attendants to retire, and closed the door very carefully, he said, 'Mr. Winkle, I presume?'

'You will not be surprised, sir, when I inform you that I have called here this morning on behalf of my friend,

'Doctor Slammer. He begged me to express his opinion that your conduct of last evening was of a description

which no gentleman could endure; and' (he added) 'which no one gentleman would pursue towards another.'

Mr. Winkle's astonishment was too real, and too evident, to escape the observation of Doctor Slammer's

friend; he therefore proceeded'My friend, Doctor Slammer, requested me to add, that he was firmly

persuaded you were intoxicated during a portion of the evening, and possibly unconscious of the extent of the

insult you were guilty of. He commissioned me to say, that should this be pleaded as an excuse for your

behaviour, he will consent to accept a written apology, to be penned by you, from my dictation.'

'A written apology!' repeated Mr. Winkle, in the most emphatic tone of amazement possible.

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 17

'Were you intrusted with this message to me by name?' inquired Mr. Winkle, whose intellects were

'I was not present myself,' replied the visitor, 'and in consequence of your firm refusal to give your card to

Doctor Slammer, I was desired by that gentleman to identify the wearer of a very uncommon coata bright

Mr. Winkle actually staggered with astonishment as he heard his own costume thus minutely described.

Doctor Slammer's friend proceeded:'From the inquiries I made at the bar, just now, I was convinced that

the owner of the coat in question arrived here, with three gentlemen, yesterday afternoon. I immediately sent

up to the gentleman who was described as appearing the head of the party, and he at once referred me to you.'

If the principal tower of Rochester Castle had suddenly walked from its foundation, and stationed itself

opposite the coffeeroom window, Mr. Winkle's surprise would have been as nothing compared with the

profound astonishment with which he had heard this address. His first impression was that his coat had been

Mr. Winkle ran hastily upstairs, and with a trembling hand opened the bag. There was the coat in its usual

place, but exhibiting, on a close inspection, evident tokens of having been worn on the preceding night.

'It must be so,' said Mr. Winkle, letting the coat fall from his hands. 'I took too much wine after dinner, and

have a very vague recollection of walking about the streets, and smoking a cigar afterwards. The fact is, I was

very drunk;I must have changed my coatgone somewhereand insulted somebodyI have no doubt

of it; and this message is the terrible consequence.' Saying which, Mr. Winkle retraced his steps in the

direction of the coffeeroom, with the gloomy and dreadful resolve of accepting the challenge of the warlike

To this determination Mr. Winkle was urged by a variety of considerations, the first of which was his

reputation with the club. He had always been looked up to as a high authority on all matters of amusement

and dexterity, whether offensive, defensive, or inoffensive; and if, on this very first occasion of being put to

the test, he shrunk back from the trial, beneath his leader's eye, his name and standing were lost for ever.

Besides, he remembered to have heard it frequently surmised by the uninitiated in such matters that by an

understood arrangement between the seconds, the pistols were seldom loaded with ball; and, furthermore, he

reflected that if he applied to Mr. Snodgrass to act as his second, and depicted the danger in glowing terms,

that gentleman might possibly communicate the intelligence to Mr. Pickwick, who would certainly lose no

time in transmitting it to the local authorities, and thus prevent the killing or maiming of his follower.

Such were his thoughts when he returned to the coffeeroom, and intimated his intention of accepting the

'Will you refer me to a friend, to arrange the time and place of meeting?' said the officer.

'Quite unnecessary,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'name them to me, and I can procure the attendance of a friend

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 18

'If you will take the trouble to turn into the field which borders the trench, take the footpath to the left when

you arrive at an angle of the fortification, and keep straight on, till you see me, I will precede you to a

secluded place, where the affair can be conducted without fear of interruption.'

That morning's breakfast passed heavily off. Mr. Tupman was not in a condition to rise, after the unwonted

dissipation of the previous night; Mr. Snodgrass appeared to labour under a poetical depression of spirits; and

even Mr. Pickwick evinced an unusual attachment to silence and sodawater. Mr. Winkle eagerly watched

his opportunity: it was not long wanting. Mr. Snodgrass proposed a visit to the castle, and as Mr. Winkle was

the only other member of the party disposed to walk, they went out together. 'Snodgrass,' said Mr. Winkle,

when they had turned out of the public street. 'Snodgrass, my dear fellow, can I rely upon your secrecy?' As

'No, no,' interrupted Winkle, terrified at the idea of his companion's unconsciously pledging himself not to

Mr. Snodgrass dropped the hand which he had, in the spirit of poesy, raised towards the clouds as he made

'I want your assistance, my dear fellow, in an affair of honour,' said Mr. Winkle.

'With a doctorDoctor Slammer, of the 97th,' said Mr. Winkle, wishing to make the matter appear as solemn

as possible; 'an affair with an officer, seconded by another officer, at sunset this evening, in a lonely field

He was astonished, but by no means dismayed. It is extraordinary how cool any party but the principal can be

in such cases. Mr. Winkle had forgotten this. He had judged of his friend's feelings by his own.

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 19

'Most of these military men are,' observed Mr. Snodgrass calmly; 'but so are you, ain't you?' Mr. Winkle

replied in the affirmative; and perceiving that he had not alarmed his companion sufficiently, changed his

'Snodgrass,' he said, in a voice tremulous with emotion, 'if I fall, you will find in a packet which I shall place

This attack was a failure also. Mr. Snodgrass was affected, but he undertook the delivery of the note as

'If I fall,' said Mr. Winkle, 'or if the doctor falls, you, my dear friend, will be tried as an accessory before the

fact. Shall I involve my friend in transportationpossibly for life!' Mr. Snodgrass winced a little at this, but

his heroism was invincible. 'In the cause of friendship,' he fervently exclaimed, 'I would brave all dangers.'

How Mr. Winkle cursed his companion's devoted friendship internally, as they walked silently along, side by

side, for some minutes, each immersed in his own meditations! The morning was wearing away; he grew

'Snodgrass,' he said, stopping suddenly, 'do not let me be balked in this matterdo not give information to

the local authoritiesdo not obtain the assistance of several peace officers, to take either me or Doctor

Slammer, of the 97th Regiment, at present quartered in Chatham Barracks, into custody, and thus prevent this

Mr. Snodgrass seized his friend's hand warmly, as he enthusiastically replied, 'Not for worlds!'

A thrill passed over Mr. Winkle's frame as the conviction that he had nothing to hope from his friend's fears,

and that he was destined to become an animated target, rushed forcibly upon him.

The state of the case having been formally explained to Mr. Snodgrass, and a case of satisfactory pistols, with

the satisfactory accompaniments of powder, ball, and caps, having been hired from a manufacturer in

Rochester, the two friends returned to their inn; Mr. Winkle to ruminate on the approaching struggle, and Mr.

Snodgrass to arrange the weapons of war, and put them into proper order for immediate use.

it was a dull and heavy evening when they again sallied forth on their awkward errand. Mr. Winkle was

muffled up in a huge cloak to escape observation, and Mr. Snodgrass bore under his the instruments of

'Everything,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; 'plenty of ammunition, in case the shots don't take effect. There's a

quarter of a pound of powder in the case, and I have got two newspapers in my pocket for the loadings.'

These were instances of friendship for which any man might reasonably feel most grateful. The presumption

is, that the gratitude of Mr. Winkle was too powerful for utterance, as he said nothing, but continued to walk

'We are in excellent time,' said Mr. Snodgrass, as they climbed the fence of the first field;'the sun is just going

down.' Mr. Winkle looked up at the declining orb and painfully thought of the probability of his 'going down'

'There's the officer,' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, after a few minutes walking. 'Where?' said Mr. Snodgrass.

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 20

'Therethe gentleman in the blue cloak.' Mr. Snodgrass looked in the direction indicated by the forefinger of

his friend, and observed a figure, muffled up, as he had described. The officer evinced his consciousness of

their presence by slightly beckoning with his hand; and the two friends followed him at a little distance, as he

The evening grew more dull every moment, and a melancholy wind sounded through the deserted fields, like

a distant giant whistling for his housedog. The sadness of the scene imparted a sombre tinge to the feelings

of Mr. Winkle. He started as they passed the angle of the trenchit looked like a colossal grave.

The officer turned suddenly from the path, and after climbing a paling, and scaling a hedge, entered a

secluded field. Two gentlemen were waiting in it; one was a little, fat man, with black hair; and the othera

portly personage in a braided surtoutwas sitting with perfect equanimity on a campstool.

'The other party, and a surgeon, I suppose,' said Mr. Snodgrass; 'take a drop of brandy.' Mr. Winkle seized the

wicker bottle which his friend proffered, and took a lengthened pull at the exhilarating liquid.

'My friend, Sir, Mr. Snodgrass,' said Mr. Winkle, as the officer approached. Doctor Slammer's friend bowed,

'We have nothing further to say, Sir, I think,' he coldly remarked, as he opened the case; 'an apology has been

'Nothing, Sir,' said Mr. Snodgrass, who began to feel rather uncomfortable himself.

'Certainly,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. The ground was measured, and preliminaries arranged. 'You will find

these better than your own,' said the opposite second, producing his pistols. 'You saw me load them. Do you

'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. The offer relieved him from considerable embarrassment, for his

'We may place our men, then, I think,' observed the officer, with as much indifference as if the principals

'I think we may,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; who would have assented to any proposition, because he knew

nothing about the matter. The officer crossed to Doctor Slammer, and Mr. Snodgrass went up to Mr. Winkle.

'You have got the packet, my dear fellow,' said poor Winkle. 'All right,' said Mr. Snodgrass. 'Be steady, and

It occurred to Mr. Winkle that this advice was very like that which bystanders invariably give to the smallest

boy in a street fight, namely, 'Go in, and win'an admirable thing to recommend, if you only know how to

do it. He took off his cloak, however, in silenceit always took a long time to undo that cloak and

accepted the pistol. The seconds retired, the gentleman on the campstool did the same, and the belligerents

Mr. Winkle was always remarkable for extreme humanity. It is conjectured that his unwillingness to hurt a

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 21

fellowcreature intentionally was the cause of his shutting his eyes when he arrived at the fatal spot; and that

the circumstance of his eyes being closed, prevented his observing the very extraordinary and unaccountable

demeanour of Doctor Slammer. That gentleman started, stared, retreated, rubbed his eyes, stared again, and,

'What's all this?' said Doctor Slammer, as his friend and Mr. Snodgrass came running up; 'that's not the man.'

'Certainly not,' replied the little doctor. 'That's not the person who insulted me last night.'

'Very,' said the gentleman with the campstool. 'The only question is, whether the gentleman, being on the

ground, must not be considered, as a matter of form, to be the individual who insulted our friend, Doctor

Slammer, yesterday evening, whether he is really that individual or not;' and having delivered this suggestion,

with a very sage and mysterious air, the man with the campstool took a large pinch of snuff, and looked

Now Mr. Winkle had opened his eyes, and his ears too, when he heard his adversary call out for a cessation

of hostilities; and perceiving by what he had afterwards said that there was, beyond all question, some

mistake in the matter, he at once foresaw the increase of reputation he should inevitably acquire by

concealing the real motive of his coming out; he therefore stepped boldly forward, and said

'Then, that,' said the man with the campstool, 'is an affront to Doctor Slammer, and a sufficient reason for

'Pray be quiet, Payne,' said the doctor's second. 'Why did you not communicate this fact to me this morning,

'I entreat you to be quiet, Payne,' said the other. 'May I repeat my question, Sir?'

'Because, Sir,' replied Mr. Winkle, who had had time to deliberate upon his answer, 'because, Sir, you

described an intoxicated and ungentlemanly person as wearing a coat which I have the honour, not only to

wear but to have inventedthe proposed uniform, Sir, of the Pickwick Club in London. The honour of that

uniform I feel bound to maintain, and I therefore, without inquiry, accepted the challenge which you offered

'My dear Sir,' said the goodhumoured little doctor advancing with extended hand, 'I honour your gallantry.

Permit me to say, Sir, that I highly admire your conduct, and extremely regret having caused you the

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 22

'It will afford me the greatest pleasure to know you, sir,' replied Mr. Winkle. Thereupon the doctor and Mr.

Winkle shook hands, and then Mr. Winkle and Lieutenant Tappleton (the doctor's second), and then Mr.

Winkle and the man with the campstool, and, finally, Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrassthe lastnamed

'Unless,' interposed the man with the campstool, 'unless Mr. Winkle feels himself aggrieved by the

Mr. Winkle, with great selfdenial, expressed himself quite satisfied already. 'Or possibly,' said the man with

the campstool, 'the gentleman's second may feel himself affronted with some observations which fell from

me at an early period of this meeting; if so, I shall be happy to give him satisfaction immediately.'

Mr. Snodgrass hastily professed himself very much obliged with the handsome offer of the gentleman who

had spoken last, which he was only induced to decline by his entire contentment with the whole proceedings.

The two seconds adjusted the cases, and the whole party left the ground in a much more lively manner than

'Do you remain long here?' inquired Doctor Slammer of Mr. Winkle, as they walked on most amicably

'I trust I shall have the pleasure of seeing you and your friend at my rooms, and of spending a pleasant

evening with you, after this awkward mistake,' said the little doctor; 'are you disengaged this evening?'

'We have some friends here,' replied Mr. Winkle, 'and I should not like to leave them tonight. Perhaps you

'With great pleasure,' said the little doctor; 'will ten o'clock be too late to look in for half an hour?'

'Oh dear, no,' said Mr. Winkle. 'I shall be most happy to introduce you to my friends, Mr. Pickwick and Mr.

'It will give me great pleasure, I am sure,' replied Doctor Slammer, little suspecting who Mr. Tupman was.

By this time they had reached the road. Cordial farewells were exchanged, and the party separated. Doctor

Slammer and his friends repaired to the barracks, and Mr. Winkle, accompanied by Mr. Snodgrass, returned

CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES 23

Mr. Pickwick had felt some apprehensions in consequence of the unusual absence of his two friends, which

their mysterious behaviour during the whole morning had by no means tended to diminish. It was, therefore,

with more than ordinary pleasure that he rose to greet them when they again entered; and with more than

ordinary interest that he inquired what had occurred to detain them from his society. In reply to his questions

on this point, Mr. Snodgrass was about to offer an historical account of the circumstances just now detailed,

when he was suddenly checked by observing that there were present, not only Mr. Tupman and their

stagecoach companion of the preceding day, but another stranger of equally singular appearance. It was a

carewornlooking man, whose sallow face, and deeplysunken eyes, were rendered still more striking than

Nature had made them, by the straight black hair which hung in matted disorder halfway down his face. His

eyes were almost unnaturally bright and piercing; his cheekbones were high and prominent; and his jaws

were so long and lank, that an observer would have supposed that he was drawing the flesh of his face in, for

a moment, by some contraction of the muscles, if his halfopened mouth and immovable expression had not

announced that it was his ordinary appearance. Round his neck he wore a green shawl, with the large ends

straggling over his chest, and making their appearance occasionally beneath the worn buttonholes of his old

waistcoat. His upper garment was a long black surtout; and below it he wore wide drab trousers, and large

It was on this uncouthlooking person that Mr. Winkle's eye rested, and it was towards him that Mr.

Pickwick extended his hand when he said, 'A friend of our friend's here. We discovered this morning that our

friend was connected with the theatre in this place, though he is not desirous to have it generally known, and

this gentleman is a member of the same profession. He was about to favour us with a little anecdote

'Lots of anecdote,' said the greencoated stranger of the day before, advancing to Mr. Winkle and speaking in

a low and confidential tone. 'Rum fellowdoes the heavy businessno actorstrange manall sorts of

miseriesDismal Jemmy, we call him on the circuit.' Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass politely welcomed the

gentleman, elegantly designated as 'Dismal Jemmy'; and calling for brandyandwater, in imitation of the

remainder of the company, seated themselves at the table. 'Now sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'will you oblige us by

The dismal individual took a dirty roll of paper from his pocket, and turning to Mr. Snodgrass, who had just

taken out his notebook, said in a hollow voice, perfectly in keeping with his outward man'Are you the

'II do a little in that way,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, rather taken aback by the abruptness of the question. 'Ah!

poetry makes life what light and music do the stage strip the one of the false embellishments, and the other

'To be before the footlights,' continued the dismal man, 'is like sitting at a grand court show, and admiring the

silken dresses of the gaudy throng; to be behind them is to be the people who make that finery, uncared for

'Certainly,' said Mr. Snodgrass: for the sunken eye of the dismal man rested on him, and he felt it necessary to

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 24

'Go on, Jemmy,' said the Spanish traveller, 'like blackeyed Susanall in the Downsno croakingspeak

outlook lively.' 'Will you make another glass before you begin, Sir ?' said Mr. Pickwick.

The dismal man took the hint, and having mixed a glass of brandyandwater, and slowly swallowed half of

it, opened the roll of paper and proceeded, partly to read, and partly to relate, the following incident, which

'There is nothing of the marvellous in what I am going to relate,' said the dismal man; 'there is nothing even

uncommon in it. Want and sickness are too common in many stations of life to deserve more notice than is

usually bestowed on the most ordinary vicissitudes of human nature. I have thrown these few notes together,

because the subject of them was well known to me for many years. I traced his progress downwards, step by

step, until at last he reached that excess of destitution from which he never rose again.

'The man of whom I speak was a low pantomime actor; and, like many people of his class, an habitual

drunkard. in his better days, before he had become enfeebled by dissipation and emaciated by disease, he had

been in the receipt of a good salary, which, if he had been careful and prudent, he might have continued to

receive for some yearsnot many; because these men either die early, or by unnaturally taxing their bodily

energies, lose, prematurely, those physical powers on which alone they can depend for subsistence. His

besetting sin gained so fast upon him, however, that it was found impossible to employ him in the situations

in which he really was useful to the theatre. The publichouse had a fascination for him which he could not

resist. Neglected disease and hopeless poverty were as certain to be his portion as death itself, if he

persevered in the same course; yet he did persevere, and the result may be guessed. He could obtain no

engagement, and he wanted bread. 'Everybody who is at all acquainted with theatrical matters knows what a

host of shabby, povertystricken men hang about the stage of a large establishmentnot regularly engaged

actors, but ballet people, procession men, tumblers, and so forth, who are taken on during the run of a

pantomime, or an Easter piece, and are then discharged, until the production of some heavy spectacle

occasions a new demand for their services. To this mode of life the man was compelled to resort; and taking

the chair every night, at some low theatrical house, at once put him in possession of a few more shillings

weekly, and enabled him to gratify his old propensity. Even this resource shortly failed him; his irregularities

were too great to admit of his earning the wretched pittance he might thus have procured, and he was actually

reduced to a state bordering on starvation, only procuring a trifle occasionally by borrowing it of some old

companion, or by obtaining an appearance at one or other of the commonest of the minor theatres; and when

'About this time, and when he had been existing for upwards of a year no one knew how, I had a short

engagement at one of the theatres on the Surrey side of the water, and here I saw this man, whom I had lost

sight of for some time; for I had been travelling in the provinces, and he had been skulking in the lanes and

alleys of London. I was dressed to leave the house, and was crossing the stage on my way out, when he

tapped me on the shoulder. Never shall I forget the repulsive sight that met my eye when I turned round. He

was dressed for the pantomimes in all the absurdity of a clown's costume. The spectral figures in the Dance of

Death, the most frightful shapes that the ablest painter ever portrayed on canvas, never presented an

appearance half so ghastly. His bloated body and shrunken legstheir deformity enhanced a hundredfold by

the fantastic dressthe glassy eyes, contrasting fearfully with the thick white paint with which the face was

besmeared; the grotesquelyornamented head, trembling with paralysis, and the long skinny hands, rubbed

with white chalkall gave him a hideous and unnatural appearance, of which no description could convey

an adequate idea, and which, to this day, I shudder to think of. His voice was hollow and tremulous as he took

me aside, and in broken words recounted a long catalogue of sickness and privations, terminating as usual

with an urgent request for the loan of a trifling sum of money. I put a few shillings in his hand, and as I

turned away I heard the roar of laughter which followed his first tumble on the stage. 'A few nights

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 25

afterwards, a boy put a dirty scrap of paper in my hand, on which were scrawled a few words in pencil,

intimating that the man was dangerously ill, and begging me, after the performance, to see him at his

lodgings in some streetI forget the name of it nowat no great distance from the theatre. I promised to

comply, as soon as I could get away; and after the curtain fell, sallied forth on my melancholy errand.

'It was late, for I had been playing in the last piece; and, as it was a benefit night, the performances had been

protracted to an unusual length. It was a dark, cold night, with a chill, damp wind, which blew the rain

heavily against the windows and house fronts. Pools of water had collected in the narrow and little

frequented streets, and as many of the thinlyscattered oillamps had been blown out by the violence of the

wind, the walk was not only a comfortless, but most uncertain one. I had fortunately taken the right course,

however, and succeeded, after a little difficulty, in finding the house to which I had been directeda

coalshed, with one Storey above it, in the back room of which lay the object of my search.

'A wretchedlooking woman, the man's wife, met me on the stairs, and, telling me that he had just fallen into

a kind of doze, led me softly in, and placed a chair for me at the bedside. The sick man was lying with his

face turned towards the wall; and as he took no heed of my presence, I had leisure to observe the place in

'He was lying on an old bedstead, which turned up during the day. The tattered remains of a checked curtain

were drawn round the bed's head, to exclude the wind, which, however, made its way into the comfortless

room through the numerous chinks in the door, and blew it to and fro every instant. There was a low cinder

fire in a rusty, unfixed grate; and an old threecornered stained table, with some medicine bottles, a broken

glass, and a few other domestic articles, was drawn out before it. A little child was sleeping on a temporary

bed which had been made for it on the floor, and the woman sat on a chair by its side. There were a couple of

shelves, with a few plates and cups and saucers; and a pair of stage shoes and a couple of foils hung beneath

them. With the exception of little heaps of rags and bundles which had been carelessly thrown into the

'I had had time to note these little particulars, and to mark the heavy breathing and feverish startings of the

sick man, before he was aware of my presence. In the restless attempts to procure some easy restingplace

for his head, he tossed his hand out of the bed, and it fell on mine. He started up, and stared eagerly in my

'"Mr. Hutley, John," said his wife; "Mr. Hutley, that you sent for tonight, you know."

'"Ah!" said the invalid, passing his hand across his forehead; "HutleyHutleylet me see." He seemed

endeavouring to collect his thoughts for a few seconds, and then grasping me tightly by the wrist said, "Don't

'"Since yesterday night," she replied. "John, John, don't you know me?" '"Don't let her come near me," said

the man, with a shudder, as she stooped over him. "Drive her away; I can't bear her near me." He stared

wildly at her, with a look of deadly apprehension, and then whispered in my ear, "I beat her, Jem; I beat her

yesterday, and many times before. I have starved her and the boy too; and now I am weak and helpless, Jem,

she'll murder me for it; I know she will. If you'd seen her cry, as I have, you'd know it too. Keep her off." He

relaxed his grasp, and sank back exhausted on the pillow. 'I knew but too well what all this meant. If I could

have entertained any doubt of it, for an instant, one glance at the woman's pale face and wasted form would

have sufficiently explained the real state of the case. "You had better stand aside," said I to the poor creature.

"You can do him no good. Perhaps he will be calmer, if he does not see you." She retired out of the man's

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 26

'"I'll tell you what, Jem," said the man, in a low voice, "she does hurt me. There's something in her eyes

wakes such a dreadful fear in my heart, that it drives me mad. All last night, her large, staring eyes and pale

face were close to mine; wherever I turned, they turned; and whenever I started up from my sleep, she was at

the bedside looking at me." He drew me closer to him, as he said in a deep alarmed whisper, "Jem, she must

be an evil spirita devil! Hush! I know she is. If she had been a woman she would have died long ago. No

'I sickened at the thought of the long course of cruelty and neglect which must have occurred to produce such

an impression on such a man. I could say nothing in reply; for who could offer hope, or consolation, to the

'I sat there for upwards of two hours, during which time he tossed about, murmuring exclamations of pain or

impatience, restlessly throwing his arms here and there, and turning constantly from side to side. At length he

fell into that state of partial unconsciousness, in which the mind wanders uneasily from scene to scene, and

from place to place, without the control of reason, but still without being able to divest itself of an

indescribable sense of present suffering. Finding from his incoherent wanderings that this was the case, and

knowing that in all probability the fever would not grow immediately worse, I left him, promising his

miserable wife that I would repeat my visit next evening, and, if necessary, sit up with the patient during the

'I kept my promise. The last fourandtwenty hours had produced a frightful alteration. The eyes, though

deeply sunk and heavy, shone with a lustre frightful to behold. The lips were parched, and cracked in many

places; the hard, dry skin glowed with a burning heat; and there was an almost unearthly air of wild anxiety in

the man's face, indicating even more strongly the ravages of the disease. The fever was at its height.

'I took the seat I had occupied the night before, and there I sat for hours, listening to sounds which must strike

deep to the heart of the most callous among human beingsthe awful ravings of a dying man. From what I

had heard of the medical attendant's opinion, I knew there was no hope for him: I was sitting by his

deathbed. I saw the wasted limbswhich a few hours before had been distorted for the amusement of a

boisterous gallery, writhing under the tortures of a burning feverI heard the clown's shrill laugh, blending

'It is a touching thing to hear the mind reverting to the ordinary occupations and pursuits of health, when the

body lies before you weak and helpless; but when those occupations are of a character the most strongly

opposed to anything we associate with grave and solemn ideas, the impression produced is infinitely more

powerful. The theatre and the publichouse were the chief themes of the wretched man's wanderings. It was

evening, he fancied; he had a part to play that night; it was late, and he must leave home instantly. Why did

they hold him, and prevent his going?he should lose the moneyhe must go. No! they would not let him.

He hid his face in his burning hands, and feebly bemoaned his own weakness, and the cruelty of his

persecutors. A short pause, and he shouted out a few doggerel rhymesthe last he had ever learned. He rose

in bed, drew up his withered limbs, and rolled about in uncouth positions; he was actinghe was at the

theatre. A minute's silence, and he murmured the burden of some roaring song. He had reached the old house

at lasthow hot the room was. He had been ill, very ill, but he was well now, and happy. Fill up his glass.

Who was that, that dashed it from his lips? It was the same persecutor that had followed him before. He fell

back upon his pillow and moaned aloud. A short period of oblivion, and he was wandering through a tedious

maze of lowarched roomsso low, sometimes, that he must creep upon his hands and knees to make his

way along; it was close and dark, and every way he turned, some obstacle impeded his progress. There were

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 27

insects, too, hideous crawling things, with eyes that stared upon him, and filled the very air around, glistening

horribly amidst the thick darkness of the place. The walls and ceiling were alive with reptilesthe vault

expanded to an enormous sizefrightful figures flitted to and froand the faces of men he knew, rendered

hideous by gibing and mouthing, peered out from among them; they were searing him with heated irons, and

binding his head with cords till the blood started; and he struggled madly for life.

'At the close of one of these paroxysms, when I had with great difficulty held him down in his bed, he sank

into what appeared to be a slumber. Overpowered with watching and exertion, I had closed my eyes for a few

minutes, when I felt a violent clutch on my shoulder. I awoke instantly. He had raised himself up, so as to

seat himself in beda dreadful change had come over his face, but consciousness had returned, for he

evidently knew me. The child, who had been long since disturbed by his ravings, rose from its little bed, and

ran towards its father, screaming with frightthe mother hastily caught it in her arms, lest he should injure it

in the violence of his insanity; but, terrified by the alteration of his features, stood transfixed by the bedside.

He grasped my shoulder convulsively, and, striking his breast with the other hand, made a desperate attempt

to articulate. It was unavailing; he extended his arm towards them, and made another violent effort. There

was a rattling noise in the throata glare of the eyea short stifled groanand he fell backdead!'

It would afford us the highest gratification to be enabled to record Mr. Pickwick's opinion of the foregoing

anecdote. We have little doubt that we should have been enabled to present it to our readers, but for a most

Mr. Pickwick had replaced on the table the glass which, during the last few sentences of the tale, he had

retained in his hand; and had just made up his mind to speakindeed, we have the authority of Mr.

Snodgrass's notebook for stating, that he had actually opened his mouthwhen the waiter entered the room,

It has been conjectured that Mr. Pickwick was on the point of delivering some remarks which would have

enlightened the world, if not the Thames, when he was thus interrupted; for he gazed sternly on the waiter's

countenance, and then looked round on the company generally, as if seeking for information relative to the

'Oh!' said Mr. Winkle, rising, 'some friends of mineshow them in. Very pleasant fellows,' added Mr.

Winkle, after the waiter had retired'officers of the 97th, whose acquaintance I made rather oddly this

Mr. Pickwick's equanimity was at once restored. The waiter returned, and ushered three gentlemen into the

'Lieutenant Tappleton,' said Mr. Winkle, 'Lieutenant Tappleton, Mr. PickwickDoctor Payne, Mr.

PickwickMr. Snodgrass you have seen before, my friend Mr. Tupman, Doctor PayneDoctor Slammer,

Here Mr. Winkle suddenly paused; for strong emotion was visible on the countenance both of Mr. Tupman

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 28

'Andand that person, too, if I am not mistaken,' said the doctor, bestowing a scrutinising glance on the

greencoated stranger. 'I think I gave that person a very pressing invitation last night, which he thought

proper to decline.' Saying which the doctor scowled magnanimously on the stranger, and whispered his friend

'You are bound to kick him on the spot,' murmured the owner of the campstool, with great importance.

'Do be quiet, Payne,' interposed the lieutenant. 'Will you allow me to ask you, sir,' he said, addressing Mr.

Pickwick, who was considerably mystified by this very unpolite byplay'will you allow me to ask you, Sir,

'He is a member of your club, or I am mistaken?' said the lieutenant inquiringly.

Lieutenant Tappleton turned round to his friend Doctor Slammer, with a scarcely perceptible shrug of the

shoulder, as if implying some doubt of the accuracy of his recollection. The little doctor looked wrathful, but

confounded; and Mr. Payne gazed with a ferocious aspect on the beaming countenance of the unconscious

'Sir,' said the doctor, suddenly addressing Mr. Tupman, in a tone which made that gentleman start as

perceptibly as if a pin had been cunningly inserted in the calf of his leg, 'you were at the ball here last night!'

Mr. Tupman gasped a faint affirmative, looking very hard at Mr. Pickwick all the while.

'That person was your companion,' said the doctor, pointing to the still unmoved stranger.

'Now, sir,' said the doctor to the stranger, 'I ask you once again, in the presence of these gentlemen, whether

you choose to give me your card, and to receive the treatment of a gentleman; or whether you impose upon

'Stay, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I really cannot allow this matter to go any further without some explanation.

Mr. Tupman, thus solemnly adjured, stated the case in a few words; touched slightly on the borrowing of the

coat; expatiated largely on its having been done 'after dinner'; wound up with a little penitence on his own

He was apparently about to proceed to do so, when Lieutenant Tappleton, who had been eyeing him with

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 29

great curiosity, said with considerable scorn, 'Haven't I seen you at the theatre, Sir?'

'He is a strolling actor!' said the lieutenant contemptuously, turning to Doctor Slammer.'He acts in the

piece that the officers of the 52nd get up at the Rochester Theatre tomorrow night. You cannot proceed in

'Sorry to have placed you in this disagreeable situation,' said Lieutenant Tappleton, addressing Mr. Pickwick;

'allow me to suggest, that the best way of avoiding a recurrence of such scenes in future will be to be more

select in the choice of your companions. Goodevening, Sir!' and the lieutenant bounced out of the room.

'And allow me to say, Sir,' said the irascible Doctor Payne, 'that if I had been Tappleton, or if I had been

Slammer, I would have pulled your nose, Sir, and the nose of every man in this company. I would, sirevery

man. Payne is my name, sir Doctor Payne of the 43rd. Goodevening, Sir.' Having concluded this speech,

and uttered the last three words in a loud key, he stalked majestically after his friend, closely followed by

Doctor Slammer, who said nothing, but contented himself by withering the company with a look. Rising rage

and extreme bewilderment had swelled the noble breast of Mr. Pickwick, almost to the bursting of his

waistcoat, during the delivery of the above defiance. He stood transfixed to the spot, gazing on vacancy. The

closing of the door recalled him to himself. He rushed forward with fury in his looks, and fire in his eye. His

hand was upon the lock of the door; in another instant it would have been on the throat of Doctor Payne of

the 43rd, had not Mr. Snodgrass seized his revered leader by the coat tail, and dragged him backwards.

'Restrain him,' cried Mr. Snodgrass; 'Winkle, Tupmanhe must not peril his distinguished life in such a

'Hold him tight,' shouted Mr. Snodgrass; and by the united efforts of the whole company, Mr. Pickwick was

forced into an armchair. 'Leave him alone,' said the greencoated stranger; 'brandy andwaterjolly old

gentlemanlots of pluckswallow this ah!capital stuff.' Having previously tested the virtues of a

bumper, which had been mixed by the dismal man, the stranger applied the glass to Mr. Pickwick's mouth;

There was a short pause; the brandyandwater had done its work; the amiable countenance of Mr. Pickwick

'You are right, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'they are not. I am ashamed to have been betrayed into this warmth

The dismal man readily complied; a circle was again formed round the table, and harmony once more

prevailed. Some lingering irritability appeared to find a restingplace in Mr. Winkle's bosom, occasioned

possibly by the temporary abstraction of his coatthough it is scarcely reasonable to suppose that so slight a

circumstance can have excited even a passing feeling of anger in a Pickwickian's breast. With this exception,

their good humour was completely restored; and the evening concluded with the conviviality with which it

CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLER'S TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER 30

Many authors entertain, not only a foolish, but a really dishonest objection to acknowledge the sources

whence they derive much valuable information. We have no such feeling. We are merely endeavouring to

discharge, in an upright manner, the responsible duties of our editorial functions; and whatever ambition we

might have felt under other circumstances to lay claim to the authorship of these adventures, a regard for truth

forbids us to do more than claim the merit of their judicious arrangement and impartial narration. The

Pickwick papers are our New River Head; and we may be compared to the New River Company. The labours

of others have raised for us an immense reservoir of important facts. We merely lay them on, and

communicate them, in a clear and gentle stream, through the medium of these pages, to a world thirsting for

Acting in this spirit, and resolutely proceeding on our determination to avow our obligations to the authorities

we have consulted, we frankly say, that to the notebook of Mr. Snodgrass are we indebted for the particulars

recorded in this and the succeeding chapterparticulars which, now that we have disburdened our

The whole population of Rochester and the adjoining towns rose from their beds at an early hour of the

following morning, in a state of the utmost bustle and excitement. A grand review was to take place upon the

lines. The manoeuvres of half a dozen regiments were to be inspected by the eagle eye of the

commanderinchief; temporary fortifications had been erected, the citadel was to be attacked and taken, and

Mr. Pickwick was, as our readers may have gathered from the slight extract we gave from his description of

Chatham, an enthusiastic admirer of the army. Nothing could have been more delightful to himnothing

could have harmonised so well with the peculiar feeling of each of his companionsas this sight.

Accordingly they were soon afoot, and walking in the direction of the scene of action, towards which crowds

The appearance of everything on the lines denoted that the approaching ceremony was one of the utmost

grandeur and importance. There were sentries posted to keep the ground for the troops, and servants on the

batteries keeping places for the ladies, and sergeants running to and fro, with vellumcovered books under

their arms, and Colonel Bulder, in full military uniform, on horseback, galloping first to one place and then to

another, and backing his horse among the people, and prancing, and curvetting, and shouting in a most

alarming manner, and making himself very hoarse in the voice, and very red in the face, without any

assignable cause or reason whatever. Officers were running backwards and forwards, first communicating

with Colonel Bulder, and then ordering the sergeants, and then running away altogether; and even the very

privates themselves looked from behind their glazed stocks with an air of mysterious solemnity, which

Mr. Pickwick and his three companions stationed themselves in the front of the crowd, and patiently awaited

the commencement of the proceedings. The throng was increasing every moment; and the efforts they were

compelled to make, to retain the position they had gained, sufficiently occupied their attention during the two

hours that ensued. At one time there was a sudden pressure from behind, and then Mr. Pickwick was jerked

forward for several yards, with a degree of speed and elasticity highly inconsistent with the general gravity of

his demeanour; at another moment there was a request to 'keep back' from the front, and then the buttend of

a musket was either dropped upon Mr. Pickwick's toe, to remind him of the demand, or thrust into his chest,

to insure its being complied with. Then some facetious gentlemen on the left, after pressing sideways in a

body, and squeezing Mr. Snodgrass into the very last extreme of human torture, would request to know 'vere

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 31

he vos a shovin' to'; and when Mr. Winkle had done expressing his excessive indignation at witnessing this

unprovoked assault, some person behind would knock his hat over his eyes, and beg the favour of his putting

his head in his pocket. These, and other practical witticisms, coupled with the unaccountable absence of Mr.

Tupman (who had suddenly disappeared, and was nowhere to be found), rendered their situation upon the

At length that low roar of many voices ran through the crowd which usually announces the arrival of

whatever they have been waiting for. All eyes were turned in the direction of the sallyport. A few moments

of eager expectation, and colours were seen fluttering gaily in the air, arms glistened brightly in the sun,

column after column poured on to the plain. The troops halted and formed; the word of command rang

through the line; there was a general clash of muskets as arms were presented; and the commanderinchief,

attended by Colonel Bulder and numerous officers, cantered to the front. The military bands struck up

altogether; the horses stood upon two legs each, cantered backwards, and whisked their tails about in all

directions; the dogs barked, the mob screamed, the troops recovered, and nothing was to be seen on either

side, as far as the eye could reach, but a long perspective of red coats and white trousers, fixed and

Mr. Pickwick had been so fully occupied in falling about, and disentangling himself, miraculously, from

between the legs of horses, that he had not enjoyed sufficient leisure to observe the scene before him, until it

assumed the appearance we have just described. When he was at last enabled to stand firmly on his legs, his

'Nothing,' replied that gentleman, who had had a short man standing on each of his feet for the quarter of an

hour immediately preceding. 'It is indeed a noble and a brilliant sight,' said Mr. Snodgrass, in whose bosom a

blaze of poetry was rapidly bursting forth, 'to see the gallant defenders of their country drawn up in brilliant

array before its peaceful citizens; their faces beamingnot with warlike ferocity, but with civilised

gentleness; their eyes flashing not with the rude fire of rapine or revenge, but with the soft light of

Mr. Pickwick fully entered into the spirit of this eulogium, but he could not exactly reecho its terms; for the

soft light of intelligence burned rather feebly in the eyes of the warriors, inasmuch as the command 'eyes

front' had been given, and all the spectator saw before him was several thousand pair of optics, staring

'We are in a capital situation now,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round him. The crowd had gradually dispersed

'IIrather think,' said Mr. Winkle, changing colour'I rather think they're going to fire.'

'Impossible,' replied Mr. Pickwick. He had hardly uttered the word, when the whole halfdozen regiments

levelled their muskets as if they had but one common object, and that object the Pickwickians, and burst forth

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 32

with the most awful and tremendous discharge that ever shook the earth to its centres, or an elderly gentleman

It was in this trying situation, exposed to a galling fire of blank cartridges, and harassed by the operations of

the military, a fresh body of whom had begun to fall in on the opposite side, that Mr. Pickwick displayed that

perfect coolness and selfpossession, which are the indispensable accompaniments of a great mind. He seized

Mr. Winkle by the arm, and placing himself between that gentleman and Mr. Snodgrass, earnestly besought

them to remember that beyond the possibility of being rendered deaf by the noise, there was no immediate

'Butbutsuppose some of the men should happen to have ball cartridges by mistake,' remonstrated Mr.

Winkle, pallid at the supposition he was himself conjuring up. 'I heard something whistle through the air

nowso sharp; close to my ear.' 'We had better throw ourselves on our faces, hadn't we?' said Mr.

'No, noit's over now,' said Mr. Pickwick. His lip might quiver, and his cheek might blanch, but no

Mr. Pickwick was rightthe firing ceased; but he had scarcely time to congratulate himself on the accuracy

of his opinion, when a quick movement was visible in the line; the hoarse shout of the word of command ran

along it, and before either of the party could form a guess at the meaning of this new manoeuvre, the whole of

the halfdozen regiments, with fixed bayonets, charged at doublequick time down upon the very spot on

which Mr. Pickwick and his friends were stationed. Man is but mortal; and there is a point beyond which

human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing

mass, and then fairly turned his back andwe will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and,

secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreathe trotted away,

at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him; so quickly, indeed, that he did not perceive the awkwardness

The opposite troops, whose fallingin had perplexed Mr. Pickwick a few seconds before, were drawn up to

repel the mimic attack of the sham besiegers of the citadel; and the consequence was that Mr. Pickwick and

his two companions found themselves suddenly inclosed between two lines of great length, the one

advancing at a rapid pace, and the other firmly waiting the collision in hostile array.

'Hoihoihoi!' was the only reply. There was a moment of intense bewilderment, a heavy tramp of

footsteps, a violent concussion, a smothered laugh; the halfdozen regiments were half a thousand yards off,

Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle had each performed a compulsory somerset with remarkable agility, when the

first object that met the eyes of the latter as he sat on the ground, staunching with a yellow silk handkerchief

the stream of life which issued from his nose, was his venerated leader at some distance off, running after his

There are very few moments in a man's existence when he experiences so much ludicrous distress, or meets

with so little charitable commiseration, as when he is in pursuit of his own hat. A vast deal of coolness, and a

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 33

peculiar degree of judgment, are requisite in catching a hat. A man must not be precipitate, or he runs over it;

he must not rush into the opposite extreme, or he loses it altogether. The best way is to keep gently up with

the object of pursuit, to be wary and cautious, to watch your opportunity well, get gradually before it, then

make a rapid dive, seize it by the crown, and stick it firmly on your head; smiling pleasantly all the time, as if

There was a fine gentle wind, and Mr. Pickwick's hat rolled sportively before it. The wind puffed, and Mr.

Pickwick puffed, and the hat rolled over and over as merrily as a lively porpoise in a strong tide: and on it

might have rolled, far beyond Mr. Pickwick's reach, had not its course been providentially stopped, just as

Mr. Pickwick, we say, was completely exhausted, and about to give up the chase, when the hat was blown

with some violence against the wheel of a carriage, which was drawn up in a line with half a dozen other

vehicles on the spot to which his steps had been directed. Mr. Pickwick, perceiving his advantage, darted

briskly forward, secured his property, planted it on his head, and paused to take breath. He had not been

stationary half a minute, when he heard his own name eagerly pronounced by a voice, which he at once

recognised as Mr. Tupman's, and, looking upwards, he beheld a sight which filled him with surprise and

in an open barouche, the horses of which had been taken out, the better to accommodate it to the crowded

place, stood a stout old gentleman, in a blue coat and bright buttons, corduroy breeches and topboots, two

young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a young gentleman apparently enamoured of one of the young ladies in

scarfs and feathers, a lady of doubtful age, probably the aunt of the aforesaid, and Mr. Tupman, as easy and

unconcerned as if he had belonged to the family from the first moments of his infancy. Fastened up behind

the barouche was a hamper of spacious dimensionsone of those hampers which always awakens in a

contemplative mind associations connected with cold fowls, tongues, and bottles of wineand on the box sat

a fat and redfaced boy, in a state of somnolency, whom no speculative observer could have regarded for an

instant without setting down as the official dispenser of the contents of the beforementioned hamper, when

Mr. Pickwick had bestowed a hasty glance on these interesting objects, when he was again greeted by his

'Come along, Sir. Pray, come up,' said the stout gentleman. 'Joe!damn that boy, he's gone to sleep

again.Joe, let down the steps.' The fat boy rolled slowly off the box, let down the steps, and held the

carriage door invitingly open. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle came up at the moment.

'Room for you all, gentlemen,' said the stout man. 'Two inside, and one out. Joe, make room for one of these

gentlemen on the box. Now, Sir, come along;' and the stout gentleman extended his arm, and pulled first Mr.

Pickwick, and then Mr. Snodgrass, into the barouche by main force. Mr. Winkle mounted to the box, the fat

'Well, gentlemen,' said the stout man, 'very glad to see you. Know you very well, gentlemen, though you

mayn't remember me. I spent some ev'nin's at your club last winterpicked up my friend Mr. Tupman here

this morning, and very glad I was to see him. Well, Sir, and how are you? You do look uncommon well, to be

Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment, and cordially shook hands with the stout gentleman in the

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 34

'Well, and how are you, sir?' said the stout gentleman, addressing Mr. Snodgrass with paternal anxiety.

'Charming, eh? Well, that's rightthat's right. And how are you, sir (to Mr. Winkle)? Well, I am glad to hear

you say you are well; very glad I am, to be sure. My daughters, gentlemenmy gals these are; and that's my

sister, Miss Rachael Wardle. She's a Miss, she is; and yet she ain't a Misseh, Sir, eh?' And the stout

gentleman playfully inserted his elbow between the ribs of Mr. Pickwick, and laughed very heartily.

'True, true,' said the stout gentleman; 'no one can deny it. Gentlemen, I beg your pardon; this is my friend Mr.

Trundle. And now you all know each other, let's be comfortable and happy, and see what's going forward;

that's what I say.' So the stout gentleman put on his spectacles, and Mr. Pickwick pulled out his glass, and

everybody stood up in the carriage, and looked over somebody else's shoulder at the evolutions of the

Astounding evolutions they were, one rank firing over the heads of another rank, and then running away; and

then the other rank firing over the heads of another rank, and running away in their turn; and then forming

squares, with officers in the centre; and then descending the trench on one side with scaling ladders, and

ascending it on the other again by the same means; and knocking down barricades of baskets, and behaving in

the most gallant manner possible. Then there was such a ramming down of the contents of enormous guns on

the battery, with instruments like magnified mops; such a preparation before they were let off, and such an

awful noise when they did go, that the air resounded with the screams of ladies. The young Misses Wardle

were so frightened, that Mr. Trundle was actually obliged to hold one of them up in the carriage, while Mr.

Snodgrass supported the other; and Mr. Wardle's sister suffered under such a dreadful state of nervous alarm,

that Mr. Tupman found it indispensably necessary to put his arm round her waist, to keep her up at all.

Everybody was excited, except the fat boy, and he slept as soundly as if the roaring of cannon were his

'Joe, Joe!' said the stout gentleman, when the citadel was taken, and the besiegers and besieged sat down to

dinner. 'Damn that boy, he's gone to sleep again. Be good enough to pinch him, sirin the leg, if you please;

The fat boy, who had been effectually roused by the compression of a portion of his leg between the finger

and thumb of Mr. Winkle, rolled off the box once again, and proceeded to unpack the hamper with more

'Now we must sit close,' said the stout gentleman. After a great many jokes about squeezing the ladies'

sleeves, and a vast quantity of blushing at sundry jocose proposals, that the ladies should sit in the

gentlemen's laps, the whole party were stowed down in the barouche; and the stout gentleman proceeded to

hand the things from the fat boy (who had mounted up behind for the purpose) into the carriage.

'Now, Joe, knives and forks.' The knives and forks were handed in, and the ladies and gentlemen inside, and

'Plates, Joe, plates.' A similar process employed in the distribution of the crockery.

'Now, Joe, the fowls. Damn that boy; he's gone to sleep again. Joe! Joe!' (Sundry taps on the head with a

stick, and the fat boy, with some difficulty, roused from his lethargy.) 'Come, hand in the eatables.'

There was something in the sound of the last word which roused the unctuous boy. He jumped up, and the

leaden eyes which twinkled behind his mountainous cheeks leered horribly upon the food as he unpacked it

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 35

'Now make haste,' said Mr. Wardle; for the fat boy was hanging fondly over a capon, which he seemed

wholly unable to part with. The boy sighed deeply, and, bestowing an ardent gaze upon its plumpness,

'That's rightlook sharp. Now the tonguenow the pigeon pie. Take care of that veal and hammind the

lobsterstake the salad out of the clothgive me the dressing.' Such were the hurried orders which issued

from the lips of Mr. Wardle, as he handed in the different articles described, and placed dishes in everybody's

hands, and on everybody's knees, in endless number. 'Now ain't this capital?' inquired that jolly personage,

'With the greatest pleasure.' 'You'd better have a bottle to yourself up there, hadn't you?'

'Yes, Sir.' (He wasn't asleep this time, having just succeeded in abstracting a veal patty.)

'Thank'ee.' Mr. Winkle emptied his glass, and placed the bottle on the coachbox, by his side.

'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Winkle to Mr. Trundle, and then the two gentlemen took wine, after which

'How dear Emily is flirting with the strange gentleman,' whispered the spinster aunt, with true

'Oh! I don't know,' said the jolly old gentleman; 'all very natural, I dare saynothing unusual. Mr. Pickwick,

some wine, Sir?' Mr. Pickwick, who had been deeply investigating the interior of the pigeonpie, readily

'Emily, my dear,' said the spinster aunt, with a patronising air, 'don't talk so loud, love.'

'Aunt and the little old gentleman want to have it all to themselves, I think,' whispered Miss Isabella Wardle

to her sister Emily. The young ladies laughed very heartily, and the old one tried to look amiable, but couldn't

'Young girls have such spirits,' said Miss Wardle to Mr. Tupman, with an air of gentle commiseration, as if

animal spirits were contraband, and their possession without a permit a high crime and misdemeanour.

'Oh, they have,' replied Mr. Tupman, not exactly making the sort of reply that was expected from him. 'It's

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 36

'Will you permit me?' said Mr. Tupman, in his blandest manner, touching the enchanting Rachael's wrist with

'Oh, sir!' Mr. Tupman looked most impressive; and Rachael expressed her fear that more guns were going off,

'Do you think my dear nieces pretty?' whispered their affectionate aunt to Mr. Tupman.

'I should, if their aunt wasn't here,' replied the ready Pickwickian, with a passionate glance.

'Oh, you naughty manbut really, if their complexions were a little better, don't you think they would be

'What?' inquired Mr. Tupman, who had not precisely made up his mind to say anything at all.

'You were going to say that Isabel stoopsI know you were you men are such observers. Well, so she

does; it can't be denied; and, certainly, if there is one thing more than another that makes a girl look ugly it is

stooping. I often tell her that when she gets a little older she'll be quite frightful. Well, you are a quiz!'

Mr. Tupman had no objection to earning the reputation at so cheap a rate: so he looked very knowing, and

'What a sarcastic smile,' said the admiring Rachael; 'I declare I'm quite afraid of you.'

'Oh, you can't disguise anything from meI know what that smile means very well.'

'You mean,' said the amiable aunt, sinking her voice still lower'you mean, that you don't think Isabella's

stooping is as bad as Emily's boldness. Well, she is bold! You cannot think how wretched it makes me

sometimesI'm sure I cry about it for hours togethermy dear brother is SO good, and so unsuspicious,

that he never sees it; if he did, I'm quite certain it would break his heart. I wish I could think it was only

mannerI hope it may be' (Here the affectionate relative heaved a deep sigh, and shook her head

'I'm sure aunt's talking about us,' whispered Miss Emily Wardle to her sister'I'm quite certain of itshe

'I'm SO afraid you'll catch cold, aunthave a silk handkerchief to tie round your dear old headyou really

CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY 37

However well deserved this piece of retaliation might have been, it was as vindictive a one as could well have

been resorted to. There is no guessing in what form of reply the aunt's indignation would have vented itself,

had not Mr. Wardle unconsciously changed the subject, by calling emphatically for Joe.

'Very extraordinary boy, that,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'does he always sleep in this way?'

'Sleep!' said the old gentleman, 'he's always asleep. Goes on errands fast asleep, and snores as he waits at

'Ah! odd indeed,' returned the old gentleman; 'I'm proud of that boywouldn't part with him on any

accounthe's a natural curiosity! Here, JoeJoetake these things away, and open another bottled'ye

The fat boy rose, opened his eyes, swallowed the huge piece of pie he had been in the act of masticating when

he last fell asleep, and slowly obeyed his master's ordersgloating languidly over the remains of the feast, as

he removed the plates, and deposited them in the hamper. The fresh bottle was produced, and speedily

emptied: the hamper was made fast in its old placethe fat boy once more mounted the boxthe spectacles

and pocket glass were again adjustedand the evolutions of the military recommenced. There was a great

fizzing and banging of guns, and starting of ladiesand then a Mine was sprung, to the gratification of

everybodyand when the mine had gone off, the military and the company followed its example, and went

'Now, mind,' said the old gentleman, as he shook hands with Mr. Pickwick at the conclusion of a conversation

which had been carried on at intervals, during the conclusion of the proceedings, "we shall see you all

'Manor Farm, Dingley Dell,' said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his pocketbook. 'That's it,' said the old

gentleman. 'I don't let you off, mind, under a week; and undertake that you shall see everything worth seeing.

If you've come down for a country life, come to me, and I'll give you plenty of it. Joedamn that boy, he's

The horses were put inthe driver mountedthe fat boy clambered up by his sidefarewells were

exchanged and the carriage rattled off. As the Pickwickians turned round to take a last glimpse of it, the

setting sun cast a rich glow on the faces of their entertainers, and fell upon the form of the fat boy. His head

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 38

Bright and pleasant was the sky, balmy the air, and beautiful the appearance of every object around, as Mr.

Pickwick leaned over the balustrades of Rochester Bridge, contemplating nature, and waiting for breakfast.

The scene was indeed one which might well have charmed a far less reflective mind, than that to which it was

On the left of the spectator lay the ruined wall, broken in many places, and in some, overhanging the narrow

beach below in rude and heavy masses. Huge knots of seaweed hung upon the jagged and pointed stones,

trembling in every breath of wind; and the green ivy clung mournfully round the dark and ruined battlements.

Behind it rose the ancient castle, its towers roofless, and its massive walls crumbling away, but telling us

proudly of its old might and strength, as when, seven hundred years ago, it rang with the clash of arms, or

resounded with the noise of feasting and revelry. On either side, the banks of the Medway, covered with

cornfields and pastures, with here and there a windmill, or a distant church, stretched away as far as the eye

could see, presenting a rich and varied landscape, rendered more beautiful by the changing shadows which

passed swiftly across it as the thin and halfformed clouds skimmed away in the light of the morning sun.

The river, reflecting the clear blue of the sky, glistened and sparkled as it flowed noiselessly on; and the oars

of the fishermen dipped into the water with a clear and liquid sound, as their heavy but picturesque boats

Mr. Pickwick was roused from the agreeable reverie into which he had been led by the objects before him, by

a deep sigh, and a touch on his shoulder. He turned round: and the dismal man was at his side.

'Ah! people need to rise early, to see the sun in all his splendour, for his brightness seldom lasts the day

'How common the saying,' continued the dismal man, '"The morning's too fine to last." How well might it be

applied to our everyday existence. God! what would I forfeit to have the days of my childhood restored, or to

'I have,' said the dismal man hurriedly; 'I have. More than those who see me now would believe possible.' He

'Did it ever strike you, on such a morning as this, that drowning would be happiness and peace?'

'God bless me, no!' replied Mr. Pickwick, edging a little from the balustrade, as the possibility of the dismal

'I have thought so, often,' said the dismal man, without noticing the action. 'The calm, cool water seems to me

to murmur an invitation to repose and rest. A bound, a splash, a brief struggle; there is an eddy for an instant,

it gradually subsides into a gentle ripple; the waters have closed above your head, and the world has closed

upon your miseries and misfortunes for ever.' The sunken eye of the dismal man flashed brightly as he spoke,

but the momentary excitement quickly subsided; and he turned calmly away, as he said

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 39

'Thereenough of that. I wish to see you on another subject. You invited me to read that paper, the night

before last, and listened attentively while I did so.' 'I did,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'and I certainly thought'

'I asked for no opinion,' said the dismal man, interrupting him, 'and I want none. You are travelling for

amusement and instruction. Suppose I forward you a curious manuscriptobserve, not curious because wild

or improbable, but curious as a leaf from the romance of real lifewould you communicate it to the club, of

'Certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'if you wished it; and it would be entered on their transactions.' 'You shall

have it,' replied the dismal man. 'Your address;' and, Mr. Pickwick having communicated their probable

route, the dismal man carefully noted it down in a greasy pocketbook, and, resisting Mr. Pickwick's pressing

invitation to breakfast, left that gentleman at his inn, and walked slowly away.

Mr. Pickwick found that his three companions had risen, and were waiting his arrival to commence breakfast,

which was ready laid in tempting display. They sat down to the meal; and broiled ham, eggs, tea, coffee and

sundries, began to disappear with a rapidity which at once bore testimony to the excellence of the fare, and

'We had better consult the waiter, perhaps,' said Mr. Tupman; and the waiter was summoned accordingly.

'True, sirbeg your pardon, sir.Very nice fourwheel chaise, sirseat for two behindone in front for

'Perhaps one of the gentlemen would like to ride, sir?' suggested the waiter, looking towards Mr. Winkle;

'very good saddlehorses, sirany of Mr. Wardle's men coming to Rochester, bring 'em back, Sir.'

Now Mr. Winkle did entertain considerable misgivings in the very lowest recesses of his own heart, relative

to his equestrian skill; but, as he would not have them even suspected, on any account, he at once replied with

great hardihood, 'Certainly. I should enjoy it of all things.' Mr. Winkle had rushed upon his fate; there was no

The waiter retired; the breakfast concluded; and the travellers ascended to their respective bedrooms, to

prepare a change of clothing, to take with them on their approaching expedition.

Mr. Pickwick had made his preliminary arrangements, and was looking over the coffeeroom blinds at the

passengers in the street, when the waiter entered, and announced that the chaise was readyan

announcement which the vehicle itself confirmed, by forthwith appearing before the coffeeroom blinds

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 40

It was a curious little green box on four wheels, with a low place like a winebin for two behind, and an

elevated perch for one in front, drawn by an immense brown horse, displaying great symmetry of bone. An

hostler stood near, holding by the bridle another immense horseapparently a near relative of the animal in

'Bless my soul!' said Mr. Pickwick, as they stood upon the pavement while the coats were being put in. 'Bless

'Not the slightest fear, Sir,' interposed the hostler. 'Warrant him quiet, Sir; a hinfant in arms might drive him.'

'Shy, sir?he wouldn't shy if he was to meet a vaginload of monkeys with their tails burned off.'

The last recommendation was indisputable. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass got into the bin; Mr. Pickwick

ascended to his perch, and deposited his feet on a floorclothed shelf, erected beneath it for that purpose.

'Now, shiny Villiam,' said the hostler to the deputy hostler, 'give the gen'lm'n the ribbons.' 'Shiny

Villiam'so called, probably, from his sleek hair and oily countenanceplaced the reins in Mr. Pickwick's

'Woo!' cried Mr. Pickwick, as the tall quadruped evinced a decided inclination to back into the coffeeroom

window. 'Woo!' echoed Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass, from the bin. 'Only his playfulness, gen'lm'n,' said

the head hostler encouragingly; 'jist kitch hold on him, Villiam.' The deputy restrained the animal's

'Blowed if the gen'lm'n worn't agettin' up on the wrong side,' whispered a grinning postboy to the

Mr. Winkle, thus instructed, climbed into his saddle, with about as much difficulty as he would have

'All right?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, with an inward presentiment that it was all wrong.

'Let 'em go,' cried the hostler.'Hold him in, sir;' and away went the chaise, and the saddlehorse, with Mr.

Pickwick on the box of the one, and Mr. Winkle on the back of the other, to the delight and gratification of

'What makes him go sideways?' said Mr. Snodgrass in the bin, to Mr. Winkle in the saddle.

'I can't imagine,' replied Mr. Winkle. His horse was drifting up the street in the most mysterious

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 41

mannerside first, with his head towards one side of the way, and his tail towards the other.

Mr. Pickwick had no leisure to observe either this or any other particular, the whole of his faculties being

concentrated in the management of the animal attached to the chaise, who displayed various peculiarities,

highly interesting to a bystander, but by no means equally amusing to any one seated behind him. Besides

constantly jerking his head up, in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable manner, and tugging at the reins to an

extent which rendered it a matter of great difficulty for Mr. Pickwick to hold them, he had a singular

propensity for darting suddenly every now and then to the side of the road, then stopping short, and then

rushing forward for some minutes, at a speed which it was wholly impossible to control.

'What CAN he mean by this?' said Mr. Snodgrass, when the horse had executed this manoeuvre for the

'I don't know,' replied Mr. Tupman; 'it looks very like shying, don't it?' Mr. Snodgrass was about to reply,

'Woo!' said that gentleman; 'I have dropped my whip.' 'Winkle,' said Mr. Snodgrass, as the equestrian came

trotting up on the tall horse, with his hat over his ears, and shaking all over, as if he would shake to pieces,

with the violence of the exercise, 'pick up the whip, there's a good fellow.' Mr. Winkle pulled at the bridle of

the tall horse till he was black in the face; and having at length succeeded in stopping him, dismounted,

Now whether the tall horse, in the natural playfulness of his disposition, was desirous of having a little

innocent recreation with Mr. Winkle, or whether it occurred to him that he could perform the journey as

much to his own satisfaction without a rider as with one, are points upon which, of course, we can arrive at

no definite and distinct conclusion. By whatever motives the animal was actuated, certain it is that Mr.

Winkle had no sooner touched the reins, than he slipped them over his head, and darted backwards to their

'Poor fellow,' said Mr. Winkle soothingly'poor fellow good old horse.' The 'poor fellow' was proof

against flattery; the more Mr. Winkle tried to get nearer him, the more he sidled away; and, notwithstanding

all kinds of coaxing and wheedling, there were Mr. Winkle and the horse going round and round each other

for ten minutes, at the end of which time each was at precisely the same distance from the other as when they

first commencedan unsatisfactory sort of thing under any circumstances, but particularly so in a lonely

'What am I to do?' shouted Mr. Winkle, after the dodging had been prolonged for a considerable time. 'What

'You had better lead him till we come to a turnpike,' replied Mr. Pickwick from the chaise.

Mr. Pickwick was the very personation of kindness and humanity: he threw the reins on the horse's back, and

having descended from his seat, carefully drew the chaise into the hedge, lest anything should come along the

road, and stepped back to the assistance of his distressed companion, leaving Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass

The horse no sooner beheld Mr. Pickwick advancing towards him with the chaise whip in his hand, than he

exchanged the rotary motion in which he had previously indulged, for a retrograde movement of so very

determined a character, that it at once drew Mr. Winkle, who was still at the end of the bridle, at a rather

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 42

quicker rate than fast walking, in the direction from which they had just come. Mr. Pickwick ran to his

assistance, but the faster Mr. Pickwick ran forward, the faster the horse ran backward. There was a great

scraping of feet, and kicking up of the dust; and at last Mr. Winkle, his arms being nearly pulled out of their

sockets, fairly let go his hold. The horse paused, stared, shook his head, turned round, and quietly trotted

home to Rochester, leaving Mr. Winkle and Mr. Pickwick gazing on each other with countenances of blank

dismay. A rattling noise at a little distance attracted their attention. They looked up.

'Bless my soul!' exclaimed the agonised Mr. Pickwick; 'there's the other horse running away!'

It was but too true. The animal was startled by the noise, and the reins were on his back. The results may be

guessed. He tore off with the fourwheeled chaise behind him, and Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass in the

fourwheeled chaise. The heat was a short one. Mr. Tupman threw himself into the hedge, Mr. Snodgrass

followed his example, the horse dashed the fourwheeled chaise against a wooden bridge, separated the

wheels from the body, and the bin from the perch; and finally stood stock still to gaze upon the ruin he had

The first care of the two unspilt friends was to extricate their unfortunate companions from their bed of

quickseta process which gave them the unspeakable satisfaction of discovering that they had sustained no

injury, beyond sundry rents in their garments, and various lacerations from the brambles. The next thing to be

done was to unharness the horse. This complicated process having been effected, the party walked slowly

An hour's walk brought the travellers to a little roadside publichouse, with two elmtrees, a horse trough,

and a signpost, in front; one or two deformed hayricks behind, a kitchen garden at the side, and rotten sheds

and mouldering outhouses jumbled in strange confusion all about it. A redheaded man was working in the

The redheaded man raised his body, shaded his eyes with his hand, and stared, long and coolly, at Mr.

'No, 'tain't.' Having uttered this brief reply, and apparently satisfied himself with another scrutiny, the

redheaded man resumed his work. 'We want to put this horse up here,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I suppose we can,

can't we?' 'Want to put that ere horse up, do ee?' repeated the red headed man, leaning on his spade.

'Of course,' replied Mr. Pickwick, who had by this time advanced, horse in hand, to the garden rails.

'Missus'roared the man with the red head, emerging from the garden, and looking very hard at the

A tall, bony womanstraight all the way downin a coarse, blue pelisse, with the waist an inch or two

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 43

'Can we put this horse up here, my good woman?' said Mr. Tupman, advancing, and speaking in his most

seductive tones. The woman looked very hard at the whole party; and the red headed man whispered

'It got us in trouble last time,' said the woman, turning into the house; 'I woan't have nothin' to say to 'un.'

'Most extraordinary thing I have ever met with in my life,' said the astonished Mr. Pickwick.

'IIreally believe,' whispered Mr. Winkle, as his friends gathered round him, 'that they think we have

'What!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in a storm of indignation. Mr. Winkle modestly repeated his suggestion.

'Hollo, you fellow,' said the angry Mr. Pickwick,'do you think we stole the horse?'

'I'm sure ye did,' replied the redheaded man, with a grin which agitated his countenance from one auricular

organ to the other. Saying which he turned into the house and banged the door after him.

'It's like a dream,' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, 'a hideous dream. The idea of a man's walking about all day with

a dreadful horse that he can't get rid of!' The depressed Pickwickians turned moodily away, with the tall

quadruped, for which they all felt the most unmitigated disgust, following slowly at their heels.

It was late in the afternoon when the four friends and their fourfooted companion turned into the lane

leading to Manor Farm; and even when they were so near their place of destination, the pleasure they would

otherwise have experienced was materially damped as they reflected on the singularity of their appearance,

and the absurdity of their situation. Torn clothes, lacerated faces, dusty shoes, exhausted looks, and, above

all, the horse. Oh, how Mr. Pickwick cursed that horse: he had eyed the noble animal from time to time with

looks expressive of hatred and revenge; more than once he had calculated the probable amount of the expense

he would incur by cutting his throat; and now the temptation to destroy him, or to cast him loose upon the

world, rushed upon his mind with tenfold force. He was roused from a meditation on these dire imaginings by

the sudden appearance of two figures at a turn of the lane. It was Mr. Wardle, and his faithful attendant, the

'Why, where have you been ?' said the hospitable old gentleman; 'I've been waiting for you all day. Well, you

DO look tired. What! Scratches! Not hurt, I hopeeh? Well, I AM glad to hear that very. So you've been

spilt, eh? Never mind. Common accident in these parts. Joehe's asleep again!Joe, take that horse from

The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with the animal; and the old gentleman, condoling with his guests

in homely phrase on so much of the day's adventures as they thought proper to communicate, led the way to

'We'll have you put to rights here,' said the old gentleman, 'and then I'll introduce you to the people in the

parlour. Emma, bring out the cherry brandy; now, Jane, a needle and thread here; towels and water, Mary.

Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in search of the different articles in requisition, while a couple

CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONESHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT 44

of largeheaded, circularvisaged males rose from their seats in the chimney corner (for although it was a

May evening their attachment to the wood fire appeared as cordial as if it were Christmas), and dived into

some obscure recesses, from which they speedily produced a bottle of blacking, and some halfdozen

'Bustle!' said the old gentleman again, but the admonition was quite unnecessary, for one of the girls poured

out the cherry brandy, and another brought in the towels, and one of the men suddenly seizing Mr. Pickwick

by the leg, at imminent hazard of throwing him off his balance, brushed away at his boot till his corns were

redhot; while the other shampooed Mr. Winkle with a heavy clothesbrush, indulging, during the operation,

in that hissing sound which hostlers are wont to produce when engaged in rubbing down a horse.

Mr. Snodgrass, having concluded his ablutions, took a survey of the room, while standing with his back to the

fire, sipping his cherry brandy with heartfelt satisfaction. He describes it as a large apartment, with a red brick

floor and a capacious chimney; the ceiling garnished with hams, sides of bacon, and ropes of onions. The

walls were decorated with several huntingwhips, two or three bridles, a saddle, and an old rusty

blunderbuss, with an inscription below it, intimating that it was 'Loaded'as it had been, on the same

authority, for half a century at least. An old eightday clock, of solemn and sedate demeanour, ticked gravely

in one corner; and a silver watch, of equal antiquity, dangled from one of the many hooks which ornamented

'Ready?' said the old gentleman inquiringly, when his guests had been washed, mended, brushed, and

'Come along, then;' and the party having traversed several dark passages, and being joined by Mr. Tupman,

who had lingered behind to snatch a kiss from Emma, for which he had been duly rewarded with sundry

'Welcome,' said their hospitable host, throwing it open and stepping forward to announce them, 'welcome,

Several guests who were assembled in the old parlour rose to greet Mr. Pickwick and his friends upon their

entrance; and during the performance of the ceremony of introduction, with all due formalities, Mr. Pickwick

had leisure to observe the appearance, and speculate upon the characters and pursuits, of the persons by

whom he was surroundeda habit in which he, in common with many other great men, delighted to indulge.

A very old lady, in a lofty cap and faded silk gownno less a personage than Mr. Wardle's

motheroccupied the post of honour on the righthand corner of the chimneypiece; and various

certificates of her having been brought up in the way she should go when young, and of her not having

departed from it when old, ornamented the walls, in the form of samplers of ancient date, worsted landscapes

of equal antiquity, and crimson silk teakettle holders of a more modern period. The aunt, the two young

ladies, and Mr. Wardle, each vying with the other in paying zealous and unremitting attentions to the old

lady, crowded round her easychair, one holding her eartrumpet, another an orange, and a third a

smellingbottle, while a fourth was busily engaged in patting and punching the pillows which were arranged

for her support. On the opposite side sat a bald headed old gentleman, with a goodhumoured, benevolent

face the clergyman of Dingley Dell; and next him sat his wife, a stout, blooming old lady, who looked as if

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 45

she were well skilled, not only in the art and mystery of manufacturing homemade cordials greatly to other

people's satisfaction, but of tasting them occasionally very much to her own. A little hardheaded, Ripstone

pippinfaced man, was conversing with a fat old gentleman in one corner; and two or three more old

gentlemen, and two or three more old ladies, sat bolt upright and motionless on their chairs, staring very hard

'Ah!' exclaimed the old lady. 'Well, it don't much matter. He don't care for an old 'ooman like me, I dare say.'

'I assure you, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, grasping the old lady's hand, and speaking so loud that the exertion

imparted a crimson hue to his benevolent countenance'I assure you, ma'am, that nothing delights me more

than to see a lady of your time of life heading so fine a family, and looking so young and well.'

'Ah!' said the old lady, after a short pause: 'it's all very fine, I dare say; but I can't hear him.'

'Grandma's rather put out now,' said Miss Isabella Wardle, in a low tone; 'but she'll talk to you presently.'

Mr. Pickwick nodded his readiness to humour the infirmities of age, and entered into a general conversation

'There ain't a better spot o' ground in all Kent, sir,' said the hardheaded man with the pippinface; 'there

ain't indeed, sir I'm sure there ain't, Sir.' The hardheaded man looked triumphantly round, as if he had

'There ain't a better spot o' ground in all Kent,' said the hardheaded man again, after a pause.

''Cept Mullins's Meadows,' observed the fat man solemnly. 'Mullins's Meadows!' ejaculated the other, with

The hardheaded man looked dubiously round, but finding himself in a minority, assumed a compassionate

air and said no more. 'What are they talking about?' inquired the old lady of one of her granddaughters, in a

very audible voice; for, like many deaf people, she never seemed to calculate on the possibility of other

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 46

'How should he know anything about it?'inquired the old lady indignantly. 'Miller's a conceited coxcomb, and

you may tell him I said so.' Saying which, the old lady, quite unconscious that she had spoken above a

whisper, drew herself up, and looked carvingknives at the hardheaded delinquent.

'Come, come,' said the bustling host, with a natural anxiety to change the conversation, 'what say you to a

'I should like it of all things,' replied that gentleman; 'but pray don't make up one on my account.'

'Oh, I assure you, mother's very fond of a rubber,' said Mr. Wardle; 'ain't you, mother?'

The old lady, who was much less deaf on this subject than on any other, replied in the affirmative.

'Joe, Joe!' said the gentleman; 'Joedamn thatoh, here he is; put out the cardtables.'

The lethargic youth contrived without any additional rousing to set out two cardtables; the one for Pope

Joan, and the other for whist. The whistplayers were Mr. Pickwick and the old lady, Mr. Miller and the fat

The rubber was conducted with all that gravity of deportment and sedateness of demeanour which befit the

pursuit entitled 'whist'a solemn observance, to which, as it appears to us, the title of 'game' has been very

irreverently and ignominiously applied. The roundgame table, on the other hand, was so boisterously merry

as materially to interrupt the contemplations of Mr. Miller, who, not being quite so much absorbed as he

ought to have been, contrived to commit various high crimes and misdemeanours, which excited the wrath of

the fat gentleman to a very great extent, and called forth the goodhumour of the old lady in a proportionate

'There!' said the criminal Miller triumphantly, as he took up the odd trick at the conclusion of a hand; 'that

could not have been played better, I flatter myself; impossible to have made another trick!'

'Miller ought to have trumped the diamond, oughtn't he, Sir?' said the old lady.

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 47

A solemn silence; Mr. Pickwick humorous, the old lady serious, the fat gentleman captious, and Mr. Miller

'Another double,' said the old lady, triumphantly making a memorandum of the circumstance, by placing one

Another game, with a similar result, was followed by a revoke from the unlucky Miller; on which the fat

gentleman burst into a state of high personal excitement which lasted until the conclusion of the game, when

he retired into a corner, and remained perfectly mute for one hour and twentyseven minutes; at the end of

which time he emerged from his retirement, and offered Mr. Pickwick a pinch of snuff with the air of a man

who had made up his mind to a Christian forgiveness of injuries sustained. The old lady's hearing decidedly

improved and the unlucky Miller felt as much out of his element as a dolphin in a sentrybox.

Meanwhile the round game proceeded right merrily. Isabella Wardle and Mr. Trundle 'went partners,' and

Emily Wardle and Mr. Snodgrass did the same; and even Mr. Tupman and the spinster aunt established a

jointstock company of fish and flattery. Old Mr. Wardle was in the very height of his jollity; and he was so

funny in his management of the board, and the old ladies were so sharp after their winnings, that the whole

table was in a perpetual roar of merriment and laughter. There was one old lady who always had about half a

dozen cards to pay for, at which everybody laughed, regularly every round; and when the old lady looked

cross at having to pay, they laughed louder than ever; on which the old lady's face gradually brightened up,

till at last she laughed louder than any of them, Then, when the spinster aunt got 'matrimony,' the young

ladies laughed afresh, and the Spinster aunt seemed disposed to be pettish; till, feeling Mr. Tupman squeezing

her hand under the table, she brightened up too, and looked rather knowing, as if matrimony in reality were

not quite so far off as some people thought for; whereupon everybody laughed again, and especially old Mr.

Wardle, who enjoyed a joke as much as the youngest. As to Mr. Snodgrass, he did nothing but whisper

poetical sentiments into his partner's ear, which made one old gentleman facetiously sly, about partnerships at

cards and partnerships for life, and caused the aforesaid old gentleman to make some remarks thereupon,

accompanied with divers winks and chuckles, which made the company very merry and the old gentleman's

wife especially so. And Mr. Winkle came out with jokes which are very well known in town, but are not all

known in the country; and as everybody laughed at them very heartily, and said they were very capital, Mr.

Winkle was in a state of great honour and glory. And the benevolent clergyman looked pleasantly on; for the

happy faces which surrounded the table made the good old man feel happy too; and though the merriment

was rather boisterous, still it came from the heart and not from the lips; and this is the right sort of merriment,

The evening glided swiftly away, in these cheerful recreations; and when the substantial though homely

supper had been despatched, and the little party formed a social circle round the fire, Mr. Pickwick thought he

had never felt so happy in his life, and at no time so much disposed to enjoy, and make the most of, the

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 48

'Now this,' said the hospitable host, who was sitting in great state next the old lady's armchair, with her hand

fast clasped in his'this is just what I likethe happiest moments of my life have been passed at this old

fireside; and I am so attached to it, that I keep up a blazing fire here every evening, until it actually grows too

hot to bear it. Why, my poor old mother, here, used to sit before this fireplace upon that little stool when she

The tear which starts unbidden to the eye when the recollection of old times and the happiness of many years

ago is suddenly recalled, stole down the old lady's face as she shook her head with a melancholy smile.

'You must excuse my talking about this old place, Mr. Pickwick,' resumed the host, after a short pause, 'for I

love it dearly, and know no otherthe old houses and fields seem like living friends to me; and so does our

little church with the ivy, about which, by the bye, our excellent friend there made a song when he first came

'Plenty, thank you,' replied that gentleman, whose poetic curiosity had been greatly excited by the last

observation of his entertainer. 'I beg your pardon, but you were talking about the song of the Ivy.'

'You must ask our friend opposite about that,' said the host knowingly, indicating the clergyman by a nod of

'Why, really,' replied the clergyman, 'it's a very slight affair; and the only excuse I have for having ever

perpetrated it is, that I was a young man at the time. Such as it is, however, you shall hear it, if you wish.'

A murmur of curiosity was of course the reply; and the old gentleman proceeded to recite, with the aid of

Oh, a dainty plant is the Ivy green, That creepeth o'er ruins old! Of right choice food are his meals, I ween, In

his cell so lone and cold. The wall must be crumbled, the stone decayed, To pleasure his dainty whim; And

Fast he stealeth on, though he wears no wings, And a staunch old heart has he. How closely he twineth, how

tight he clings To his friend the huge Oak Tree! And slily he traileth along the ground, And his leaves he

gently waves, As he joyously hugs and crawleth round The rich mould of dead men's graves.

Whole ages have fled and their works decayed, And nations have scattered been; But the stout old Ivy shall

never fade, From its hale and hearty green. The brave old plant in its lonely days, Shall fatten upon the past;

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 49

While the old gentleman repeated these lines a second time, to enable Mr. Snodgrass to note them down, Mr.

Pickwick perused the lineaments of his face with an expression of great interest. The old gentleman having

concluded his dictation, and Mr. Snodgrass having returned his notebook to his pocket, Mr. Pickwick

'Excuse me, sir, for making the remark on so short an acquaintance; but a gentleman like yourself cannot fail,

I should think, to have observed many scenes and incidents worth recording, in the course of your experience

'I have witnessed some certainly,' replied the old gentleman, 'but the incidents and characters have been of a

'You did make some notes, I think, about John Edmunds, did you not?' inquired Mr. Wardle, who appeared

The old gentleman slightly nodded his head in token of assent, and was proceeding to change the subject,

'I beg your pardon, sir, but pray, if I may venture to inquire, who was John Edmunds?'

'You are fairly in for it,' said the jolly host. 'You must satisfy the curiosity of these gentlemen, sooner or later;

so you had better take advantage of this favourable opportunity, and do so at once.'

The old gentleman smiled goodhumouredly as he drew his chair forwardthe remainder of the party drew

their chairs closer together, especially Mr. Tupman and the spinster aunt, who were possibly rather hard of

hearing; and the old lady's eartrumpet having been duly adjusted, and Mr. Miller (who had fallen asleep

during the recital of the verses) roused from his slumbers by an admonitory pinch, administered beneath the

table by his expartner the solemn fat man, the old gentleman, without further preface, commenced the

'When I first settled in this village,' said the old gentleman, 'which is now just fiveandtwenty years ago, the

most notorious person among my parishioners was a man of the name of Edmunds, who leased a small farm

near this spot. He was a morose, savagehearted, bad man; idle and dissolute in his habits; cruel and

ferocious in his disposition. Beyond the few lazy and reckless vagabonds with whom he sauntered away his

time in the fields, or sotted in the alehouse, he had not a single friend or acquaintance; no one cared to speak

to the man whom many feared, and every one detestedand Edmunds was shunned by all.

'This man had a wife and one son, who, when I first came here, was about twelve years old. Of the acuteness

of that woman's sufferings, of the gentle and enduring manner in which she bore them, of the agony of

solicitude with which she reared that boy, no one can form an adequate conception. Heaven forgive me the

supposition, if it be an uncharitable one, but I do firmly and in my soul believe, that the man systematically

tried for many years to break her heart; but she bore it all for her child's sake, and, however strange it may

seem to many, for his father's too; for brute as he was, and cruelly as he had treated her, she had loved him

once; and the recollection of what he had been to her, awakened feelings of forbearance and meekness under

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 50

'They were poorthey could not be otherwise when the man pursued such courses; but the woman's

unceasing and unwearied exertions, early and late, morning, noon, and night, kept them above actual want.

These exertions were but ill repaid. People who passed the spot in the eveningsometimes at a late hour of

the nightreported that they had heard the moans and sobs of a woman in distress, and the sound of blows;

and more than once, when it was past midnight, the boy knocked softly at the door of a neighbour's house,

'During the whole of this time, and when the poor creature often bore about her marks of illusage and

violence which she could not wholly conceal, she was a constant attendant at our little church. Regularly

every Sunday, morning and afternoon, she occupied the same seat with the boy at her side; and though they

were both poorly dressedmuch more so than many of their neighbours who were in a lower stationthey

were always neat and clean. Every one had a friendly nod and a kind word for "poor Mrs. Edmunds"; and

sometimes, when she stopped to exchange a few words with a neighbour at the conclusion of the service in

the little row of elmtrees which leads to the church porch, or lingered behind to gaze with a mother's pride

and fondness upon her healthy boy, as he sported before her with some little companions, her careworn face

would lighten up with an expression of heartfelt gratitude; and she would look, if not cheerful and happy, at

'Five or six years passed away; the boy had become a robust and wellgrown youth. The time that had

strengthened the child's slight frame and knit his weak limbs into the strength of manhood had bowed his

mother's form, and enfeebled her steps; but the arm that should have supported her was no longer locked in

hers; the face that should have cheered her, no more looked upon her own. She occupied her old seat, but

there was a vacant one beside her. The Bible was kept as carefully as ever, the places were found and folded

down as they used to be: but there was no one to read it with her; and the tears fell thick and fast upon the

book, and blotted the words from her eyes. Neighbours were as kind as they were wont to be of old, but she

shunned their greetings with averted head. There was no lingering among the old elmtrees nowno cheering

anticipations of happiness yet in store. The desolate woman drew her bonnet closer over her face, and walked

'Shall I tell you that the young man, who, looking back to the earliest of his childhood's days to which

memory and consciousness extended, and carrying his recollection down to that moment, could remember

nothing which was not in some way connected with a long series of voluntary privations suffered by his

mother for his sake, with illusage, and insult, and violence, and all endured for himshall I tell you, that

he, with a reckless disregard for her breaking heart, and a sullen, wilful forgetfulness of all she had done and

borne for him, had linked himself with depraved and abandoned men, and was madly pursuing a headlong

career, which must bring death to him, and shame to her? Alas for human nature! You have anticipated it

'The measure of the unhappy woman's misery and misfortune was about to be completed. Numerous offences

had been committed in the neighbourhood; the perpetrators remained undiscovered, and their boldness

increased. A robbery of a daring and aggravated nature occasioned a vigilance of pursuit, and a strictness of

search, they had not calculated on. Young Edmunds was suspected, with three companions. He was

apprehended committedtriedcondemnedto die. 'The wild and piercing shriek from a woman's

voice, which resounded through the court when the solemn sentence was pronounced, rings in my ears at this

moment. That cry struck a terror to the culprit's heart, which trial, condemnationthe approach of death

itself, had failed to awaken. The lips which had been compressed in dogged sullenness throughout, quivered

and parted involuntarily; the face turned ashy pale as the cold perspiration broke forth from every pore; the

'In the first transports of her mental anguish, the suffering mother threw herself on her knees at my feet, and

fervently sought the Almighty Being who had hitherto supported her in all her troubles to release her from a

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 51

world of woe and misery, and to spare the life of her only child. A burst of grief, and a violent struggle, such

as I hope I may never have to witness again, succeeded. I knew that her heart was breaking from that hour;

but I never once heard complaint or murmur escape her lips. 'It was a piteous spectacle to see that woman in

the prisonyard from day to day, eagerly and fervently attempting, by affection and entreaty, to soften the

hard heart of her obdurate son. It was in vain. He remained moody, obstinate, and unmoved. Not even the

unlookedfor commutation of his sentence to transportation for fourteen years, softened for an instant the

'But the spirit of resignation and endurance that had so long upheld her, was unable to contend against bodily

weakness and infirmity. She fell sick. She dragged her tottering limbs from the bed to visit her son once

'And now the boasted coldness and indifference of the young man were tested indeed; and the retribution that

fell heavily upon him nearly drove him mad. A day passed away and his mother was not there; another flew

by, and she came not near him; a third evening arrived, and yet he had not seen her, and in four

andtwenty hours he was to be separated from her, perhaps for ever. Oh! how the longforgotten thoughts of

former days rushed upon his mind, as he almost ran up and down the narrow yard as if intelligence would

arrive the sooner for his hurryingand how bitterly a sense of his helplessness and desolation rushed upon

him, when he heard the truth! His mother, the only parent he had ever known, lay illit might be,

dyingwithin one mile of the ground he stood on; were he free and unfettered, a few minutes would place

him by her side. He rushed to the gate, and grasping the iron rails with the energy of desperation, shook it till

it rang again, and threw himself against the thick wall as if to force a passage through the stone; but the

strong building mocked his feeble efforts, and he beat his hands together and wept like a child.

'I bore the mother's forgiveness and blessing to her son in prison; and I carried the solemn assurance of

repentance, and his fervent supplication for pardon, to her sickbed. I heard, with pity and compassion, the

repentant man devise a thousand little plans for her comfort and support when he returned; but I knew that

many months before he could reach his place of destination, his mother would be no longer of this world. 'He

was removed by night. A few weeks afterwards the poor woman's soul took its flight, I confidently hope, and

solemnly believe, to a place of eternal happiness and rest. I performed the burial service over her remains.

She lies in our little churchyard. There is no stone at her grave's head. Her sorrows were known to man; her

virtues to God. 'it had been arranged previously to the convict's departure, that he should write to his mother

as soon as he could obtain permission, and that the letter should be addressed to me. The father had positively

refused to see his son from the moment of his apprehension; and it was a matter of indifference to him

whether he lived or died. Many years passed over without any intelligence of him; and when more than half

his term of transportation had expired, and I had received no letter, I concluded him to be dead, as, indeed, I

'Edmunds, however, had been sent a considerable distance up the country on his arrival at the settlement; and

to this circumstance, perhaps, may be attributed the fact, that though several letters were despatched, none of

them ever reached my hands. He remained in the same place during the whole fourteen years. At the

expiration of the term, steadily adhering to his old resolution and the pledge he gave his mother, he made his

way back to England amidst innumerable difficulties, and returned, on foot, to his native place.

'On a fine Sunday evening, in the month of August, John Edmunds set foot in the village he had left with

shame and disgrace seventeen years before. His nearest way lay through the churchyard. The man's heart

swelled as he crossed the stile. The tall old elms, through whose branches the declining sun cast here and

there a rich ray of light upon the shady part, awakened the associations of his earliest days. He pictured

himself as he was then, clinging to his mother's hand, and walking peacefully to church. He remembered how

he used to look up into her pale face; and how her eyes would sometimes fill with tears as she gazed upon his

featurestears which fell hot upon his forehead as she stooped to kiss him, and made him weep too,

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 52

although he little knew then what bitter tears hers were. He thought how often he had run merrily down that

path with some childish playfellow, looking back, ever and again, to catch his mother's smile, or hear her

gentle voice; and then a veil seemed lifted from his memory, and words of kindness unrequited, and warnings

despised, and promises broken, thronged upon his recollection till his heart failed him, and he could bear it no

longer. 'He entered the church. The evening service was concluded and the congregation had dispersed, but it

was not yet closed. His steps echoed through the low building with a hollow sound, and he almost feared to

be alone, it was so still and quiet. He looked round him. Nothing was changed. The place seemed smaller

than it used to be; but there were the old monuments on which he had gazed with childish awe a thousand

times; the little pulpit with its faded cushion; the Communion table before which he had so often repeated the

Commandments he had reverenced as a child, and forgotten as a man. He approached the old seat; it looked

cold and desolate. The cushion had been removed, and the Bible was not there. Perhaps his mother now

occupied a poorer seat, or possibly she had grown infirm and could not reach the church alone. He dared not

think of what he feared. A cold feeling crept over him, and he trembled violently as he turned away. 'An old

man entered the porch just as he reached it. Edmunds started back, for he knew him well; many a time he had

watched him digging graves in the churchyard. What would he say to the returned convict?

'The old man raised his eyes to the stranger's face, bade him "goodevening," and walked slowly on. He had

'He walked down the hill, and through the village. The weather was warm, and the people were sitting at their

doors, or strolling in their little gardens as he passed, enjoying the serenity of the evening, and their rest from

labour. Many a look was turned towards him, and many a doubtful glance he cast on either side to see

whether any knew and shunned him. There were strange faces in almost every house; in some he recognised

the burly form of some old schoolfellowa boy when he last saw himsurrounded by a troop of merry

children; in others he saw, seated in an easychair at a cottage door, a feeble and infirm old man, whom he

only remembered as a hale and hearty labourer; but they had all forgotten him, and he passed on unknown.

'The last soft light of the setting sun had fallen on the earth, casting a rich glow on the yellow corn sheaves,

and lengthening the shadows of the orchard trees, as he stood before the old house the home of his

infancyto which his heart had yearned with an intensity of affection not to be described, through long and

weary years of captivity and sorrow. The paling was low, though he well remembered the time that it had

seemed a high wall to him; and he looked over into the old garden. There were more seeds and gayer flowers

than there used to be, but there were the old trees stillthe very tree under which he had lain a thousand

times when tired of playing in the sun, and felt the soft, mild sleep of happy boyhood steal gently upon him.

There were voices within the house. He listened, but they fell strangely upon his ear; he knew them not. They

were merry too; and he well knew that his poor old mother could not be cheerful, and he away. The door

opened, and a group of little children bounded out, shouting and romping. The father, with a little boy in his

arms, appeared at the door, and they crowded round him, clapping their tiny hands, and dragging him out, to

join their joyous sports. The convict thought on the many times he had shrunk from his father's sight in that

very place. He remembered how often he had buried his trembling head beneath the bedclothes, and heard the

harsh word, and the hard stripe, and his mother's wailing; and though the man sobbed aloud with agony of

mind as he left the spot, his fist was clenched, and his teeth were set, in a fierce and deadly passion.

'And such was the return to which he had looked through the weary perspective of many years, and for which

he had undergone so much suffering! No face of welcome, no look of forgiveness, no house to receive, no

hand to help himand this too in the old village. What was his loneliness in the wild, thick woods, where

'He felt that in the distant land of his bondage and infamy, he had thought of his native place as it was when

he left it; and not as it would be when he returned. The sad reality struck coldly at his heart, and his spirit

sank within him. He had not courage to make inquiries, or to present himself to the only person who was

CHAPTER VI. AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMAN'S VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN 53

likely to receive him with kindness and compassion. He walked slowly on; and shunning the roadside like a

guilty man, turned into a meadow he well remembered; and covering his face with his hands, threw himself

'He had not observed that a man was lying on the bank beside him; his garments rustled as he turned round to

'The man had moved into a sitting posture. His body was much bent, and his face was wrinkled and yellow.

His dress denoted him an inmate of the workhouse: he had the appearance of being very old, but it looked

more the effect of dissipation or disease, than the length of years. He was staring hard at the stranger, and

though his eyes were lustreless and heavy at first, they appeared to glow with an unnatural and alarmed

expression after they had been fixed upon him for a short time, until they seemed to be starting from their

sockets. Edmunds gradually raised himself to his knees, and looked more and more earnestly on the old man's

'The old man was ghastly pale. He shuddered and tottered to his feet. Edmunds sprang to his. He stepped

'"Stand off!" cried the old man, with a dreadful oath. The convict drew closer to him.

'"Stand off!" shrieked the old man. Furious with terror, he raised his stick, and struck Edmunds a heavy blow

'"Fatherdevil!" murmured the convict between his set teeth. He rushed wildly forward, and clenched the

old man by the throatbut he was his father; and his arm fell powerless by his side.

'The old man uttered a loud yell which rang through the lonely fields like the howl of an evil spirit. His face

turned black, the gore rushed from his mouth and nose, and dyed the grass a deep, dark red, as he staggered

and fell. He had ruptured a bloodvessel, and he was a dead man before his son could raise him. 'In that

corner of the churchyard,' said the old gentleman, after a silence of a few moments, 'in that corner of the

churchyard of which I have before spoken, there lies buried a man who was in my employment for three

years after this event, and who was truly contrite, penitent, and humbled, if ever man was. No one save

myself knew in that man's lifetime who he was, or whence he cameit was John Edmunds, the returned

The fatiguing adventures of the day or the somniferous influence of the clergyman's tale operated so strongly

on the drowsy tendencies of Mr. Pickwick, that in less than five minutes after he had been shown to his

comfortable bedroom he fell into a sound and dreamless sleep, from which he was only awakened by the

morning sun darting his bright beams reproachfully into the apartment. Mr. Pickwick was no sluggard, and he

'Pleasant, pleasant country,' sighed the enthusiastic gentleman, as he opened his lattice window. 'Who could

live to gaze from day to day on bricks and slates who had once felt the influence of a scene like this? Who

could continue to exist where there are no cows but the cows on the chimneypots; nothing redolent of Pan

but pantiles; no crop but stone crop? Who could bear to drag out a life in such a spot? Who, I ask, could

endure it?' and, having crossexamined solitude after the most approved precedents, at considerable length,

The rich, sweet smell of the hayricks rose to his chamber window; the hundred perfumes of the little

flowergarden beneath scented the air around; the deepgreen meadows shone in the morning dew that

glistened on every leaf as it trembled in the gentle air; and the birds sang as if every sparkling drop were to

them a fountain of inspiration. Mr. Pickwick fell into an enchanting and delicious reverie.

He looked to the right, but he saw nobody; his eyes wandered to the left, and pierced the prospect; he stared

into the sky, but he wasn't wanted there; and then he did what a common mind would have done at

oncelooked into the garden, and there saw Mr. Wardle. 'How are you?' said the goodhumoured

individual, out of breath with his own anticipations of pleasure.'Beautiful morning, ain't it? Glad to see you

up so early. Make haste down, and come out. I'll wait for you here.' Mr. Pickwick needed no second

invitation. Ten minutes sufficed for the completion of his toilet, and at the expiration of that time he was by

'Hollo!' said Mr. Pickwick in his turn, seeing that his companion was armed with a gun, and that another lay

'Why, your friend and I,' replied the host, 'are going out rook shooting before breakfast. He's a very good

'I've heard him say he's a capital one,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'but I never saw him aim at anything.'

The fat boy, who under the exciting influence of the morning did not appear to be more than three parts and a

'Go up, and call the gentleman, and tell him he'll find me and Mr. Pickwick in the rookery. Show the

The boy departed to execute his commission; and the host, carrying both guns like a second Robinson

'This is the place,' said the old gentleman, pausing after a few minutes walking, in an avenue of trees. The

information was unnecessary; for the incessant cawing of the unconscious rooks sufficiently indicated their

'Here they are,' said Mr. Pickwick; and, as he spoke, the forms of Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr.

Winkle appeared in the distance. The fat boy, not being quite certain which gentleman he was directed to call,

had with peculiar sagacity, and to prevent the possibility of any mistake, called them all.

'Come along,' shouted the old gentleman, addressing Mr. Winkle; 'a keen hand like you ought to have been up

Mr. Winkle responded with a forced smile, and took up the spare gun with an expression of countenance

which a metaphysical rook, impressed with a foreboding of his approaching death by violence, may be

supposed to assume. It might have been keenness, but it looked remarkably like misery. The old gentleman

nodded; and two ragged boys who had been marshalled to the spot under the direction of the infant Lambert,

forthwith commenced climbing up two of the trees. 'What are these lads for?' inquired Mr. Pickwick abruptly.

He was rather alarmed; for he was not quite certain but that the distress of the agricultural interest, about

which he had often heard a great deal, might have compelled the small boys attached to the soil to earn a

precarious and hazardous subsistence by making marks of themselves for inexperienced sportsmen. 'Only to

The boy shouted, and shook a branch with a nest on it. Half a dozen young rooks in violent conversation,

flew out to ask what the matter was. The old gentleman fired by way of reply. Down fell one bird, and off

There was a smile upon the youth's face as he advanced. Indistinct visions of rookpie floated through his

Mr. Winkle advanced, and levelled his gun. Mr. Pickwick and his friends cowered involuntarily to escape

damage from the heavy fall of rooks, which they felt quite certain would be occasioned by the devastating

barrel of their friend. There was a solemn pausea shouta flapping of wingsa faint click.

'Odd,' said the old gentleman, taking the gun. 'Never knew one of them miss fire before. Why, I don't see

anything of the cap.' 'Bless my soul!' said Mr. Winkle, 'I declare I forgot the cap!'

The slight omission was rectified. Mr. Pickwick crouched again. Mr. Winkle stepped forward with an air of

determination and resolution; and Mr. Tupman looked out from behind a tree. The boy shouted; four birds

flew out. Mr. Winkle fired. There was a scream as of an individualnot a rookin corporal anguish. Mr.

Tupman had saved the lives of innumerable unoffending birds by receiving a portion of the charge in his left

To describe the confusion that ensued would be impossible. To tell how Mr. Pickwick in the first transports

of emotion called Mr. Winkle 'Wretch!' how Mr. Tupman lay prostrate on the ground; and how Mr. Winkle

knelt horrorstricken beside him; how Mr. Tupman called distractedly upon some feminine Christian name,

and then opened first one eye, and then the other, and then fell back and shut them bothall this would be as

difficult to describe in detail, as it would be to depict the gradual recovering of the unfortunate individual, the

binding up of his arm with pockethandkerchiefs, and the conveying him back by slow degrees supported by

They drew near the house. The ladies were at the garden gate, waiting for their arrival and their breakfast.

The spinster aunt appeared; she smiled, and beckoned them to walk quicker. 'Twas evident she knew not of

'Why, what is the matter with the little old gentleman?' said Isabella Wardle. The spinster aunt heeded not the

remark; she thought it applied to Mr. Pickwick. In her eyes Tracy Tupman was a youth; she viewed his years

'Don't be frightened,' called out the old host, fearful of alarming his daughters. The little party had crowded so

completely round Mr. Tupman, that they could not yet clearly discern the nature of the accident.

The spinster aunt uttered a piercing scream, burst into an hysteric laugh, and fell backwards in the arms of her

'No, no,' murmured the spinster aunt; 'I am better now. Bella, Emilya surgeon! Is he wounded?Is he

dead?Is he Ha, ha, ha!' Here the spinster aunt burst into fit number two, of hysteric laughter interspersed

'Calm yourself,' said Mr. Tupman, affected almost to tears by this expression of sympathy with his sufferings.

'It is his voice!' exclaimed the spinster aunt; and strong symptoms of fit number three developed themselves

'Do not agitate yourself, I entreat you, dearest madam,' said Mr. Tupman soothingly. 'I am very little hurt, I

'Then you are not dead!' ejaculated the hysterical lady. 'Oh, say you are not dead!'

'Don't be a fool, Rachael,' interposed Mr. Wardle, rather more roughly than was consistent with the poetic

'No, no, I am not,' said Mr. Tupman. 'I require no assistance but yours. Let me lean on your arm.' He added,

in a whisper, 'Oh, Miss Rachael!' The agitated female advanced, and offered her arm. They turned into the

breakfast parlour. Mr. Tracy Tupman gently pressed her hand to his lips, and sank upon the sofa.

'No,' said Mr. Tupman. 'It is nothing. I shall be better presently.' He closed his eyes.

'He sleeps,' murmured the spinster aunt. (His organs of vision had been closed nearly twenty seconds.)

'Oh, yes, I did!' replied Mr. Tupman; 'repeat them. If you would have me recover, repeat them.' 'Hush!' said

the lady. 'My brother.' Mr. Tracy Tupman resumed his former position; and Mr. Wardle, accompanied by a

The arm was examined, the wound dressed, and pronounced to be a very slight one; and the minds of the

company having been thus satisfied, they proceeded to satisfy their appetites with countenances to which an

expression of cheerfulness was again restored. Mr. Pickwick alone was silent and reserved. Doubt and

distrust were exhibited in his countenance. His confidence in Mr. Winkle had been shakengreatly

shakenby the proceedings of the morning. 'Are you a cricketer?' inquired Mr. Wardle of the marksman.

At any other time, Mr. Winkle would have replied in the affirmative. He felt the delicacy of his situation, and

'I was once upon a time,' replied the host; 'but I have given it up now. I subscribe to the club here, but I don't

'I, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'am delighted to view any sports which may be safely indulged in, and in which

the impotent effects of unskilful people do not endanger human life.' Mr. Pickwick paused, and looked

steadily on Mr. Winkle, who quailed beneath his leader's searching glance. The great man withdrew his eyes

after a few minutes, and added: 'Shall we be justified in leaving our wounded friend to the care of the ladies?'

It was therefore settled that Mr. Tupman should be left at home in charge of the females; and that the

remainder of the guests, under the guidance of Mr. Wardle, should proceed to the spot where was to be held

that trial of skill, which had roused all Muggleton from its torpor, and inoculated Dingley Dell with a fever of

As their walk, which was not above two miles long, lay through shady lanes and sequestered footpaths, and

as their conversation turned upon the delightful scenery by which they were on every side surrounded, Mr.

Pickwick was almost inclined to regret the expedition they had used, when he found himself in the main

street of the town of Muggleton. Everybody whose genius has a topographical bent knows perfectly well that

Muggleton is a corporate town, with a mayor, burgesses, and freemen; and anybody who has consulted the

addresses of the mayor to the freemen, or the freemen to the mayor, or both to the corporation, or all three to

Parliament, will learn from thence what they ought to have known before, that Muggleton is an ancient and

loyal borough, mingling a zealous advocacy of Christian principles with a devoted attachment to commercial

rights; in demonstration whereof, the mayor, corporation, and other inhabitants, have presented at divers

times, no fewer than one thousand four hundred and twenty petitions against the continuance of negro slavery

abroad, and an equal number against any interference with the factory system at home; sixtyeight in favour

of the sale of livings in the Church, and eightysix for abolishing Sunday trading in the street.

Mr. Pickwick stood in the principal street of this illustrious town, and gazed with an air of curiosity, not

unmixed with interest, on the objects around him. There was an open square for the marketplace; and in the

centre of it, a large inn with a signpost in front, displaying an object very common in art, but rarely met with

in natureto wit, a blue lion, with three bow legs in the air, balancing himself on the extreme point of the

centre claw of his fourth foot. There were, within sight, an auctioneer's and fireagency office, a

cornfactor's, a linendraper's, a saddler's, a distiller's, a grocer's, and a shoeshopthe last mentioned

warehouse being also appropriated to the diffusion of hats, bonnets, wearing apparel, cotton umbrellas, and

useful knowledge. There was a red brick house with a small paved courtyard in front, which anybody might

have known belonged to the attorney; and there was, moreover, another red brick house with Venetian blinds,

and a large brass doorplate with a very legible announcement that it belonged to the surgeon. A few boys

were making their way to the cricketfield; and two or three shopkeepers who were standing at their doors

looked as if they should like to be making their way to the same spot, as indeed to all appearance they might

have done, without losing any great amount of custom thereby. Mr. Pickwick having paused to make these

observations, to be noted down at a more convenient period, hastened to rejoin his friends, who had turned

The wickets were pitched, and so were a couple of marquees for the rest and refreshment of the contending

parties. The game had not yet commenced. Two or three Dingley Dellers, and All Muggletonians, were

amusing themselves with a majestic air by throwing the ball carelessly from hand to hand; and several other

gentlemen dressed like them, in straw hats, flannel jackets, and white trousersa costume in which they

looked very much like amateur stonemasonswere sprinkled about the tents, towards one of which Mr.

Several dozen of 'Howareyou's?' hailed the old gentleman's arrival; and a general raising of the straw hats,

and bending forward of the flannel jackets, followed his introduction of his guests as gentlemen from

London, who were extremely anxious to witness the proceedings of the day, with which, he had no doubt,

'You had better step into the marquee, I think, Sir,' said one very stout gentleman, whose body and legs

looked like half a gigantic roll of flannel, elevated on a couple of inflated pillowcases.

'You'll find it much pleasanter, Sir,' urged another stout gentleman, who strongly resembled the other half of

'This way,' said the first speaker; 'they notch in hereit's the best place in the whole field;' and the cricketer,

'Capital gamesmart sportfine exercisevery,' were the words which fell upon Mr. Pickwick's ear as he

entered the tent; and the first object that met his eyes was his greencoated friend of the Rochester coach,

holding forth, to the no small delight and edification of a select circle of the chosen of AllMuggleton. His

The stranger recognised his friends immediately; and, darting forward and seizing Mr. Pickwick by the hand,

dragged him to a seat with his usual impetuosity, talking all the while as if the whole of the arrangements

mustardcartloads; glorious day down with youmake yourself at homeglad to see you very.'

Mr. Pickwick sat down as he was bid, and Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass also complied with the directions

'Friend of yours!My dear sir, how are you?Friend of my friend'sgive me your hand, sir'and the

stranger grasped Mr. Wardle's hand with all the fervour of a close intimacy of many years, and then stepped

back a pace or two as if to take a full survey of his face and figure, and then shook hands with him again, if

'Well; and how came you here?' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile in which benevolence struggled with

surprise. 'Come,' replied the stranger'stopping at CrownCrown at Muggletonmet a partyflannel

jacketswhite trousers anchovy sandwichesdevilled kidneysplendid fellowsglorious.'

Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently versed in the stranger's system of stenography to infer from this rapid and

disjointed communication that he had, somehow or other, contracted an acquaintance with the

AllMuggletons, which he had converted, by a process peculiar to himself, into that extent of

goodfellowship on which a general invitation may be easily founded. His curiosity was therefore satisfied,

and putting on his spectacles he prepared himself to watch the play which was just commencing.

AllMuggleton had the first innings; and the interest became intense when Mr. Dumkins and Mr. Podder,

two of the most renowned members of that most distinguished club, walked, bat in hand, to their respective

wickets. Mr. Luffey, the highest ornament of Dingley Dell, was pitched to bowl against the redoubtable

Dumkins, and Mr. Struggles was selected to do the same kind office for the hitherto unconquered Podder.

Several players were stationed, to 'look out,' in different parts of the field, and each fixed himself into the

proper attitude by placing one hand on each knee, and stooping very much as if he were 'making a back' for

some beginner at leapfrog. All the regular players do this sort of thing;indeed it is generally supposed that

The umpires were stationed behind the wickets; the scorers were prepared to notch the runs; a breathless

silence ensued. Mr. Luffey retired a few paces behind the wicket of the passive Podder, and applied the ball

to his right eye for several seconds. Dumkins confidently awaited its coming with his eyes fixed on the

'Play!' suddenly cried the bowler. The ball flew from his hand straight and swift towards the centre stump of

the wicket. The wary Dumkins was on the alert: it fell upon the tip of the bat, and bounded far away over the

thereanothernoyesnothrow her up, throw her up!'Such were the shouts which followed the

stroke; and at the conclusion of which AllMuggleton had scored two. Nor was Podder behindhand in

earning laurels wherewith to garnish himself and Muggleton. He blocked the doubtful balls, missed the bad

ones, took the good ones, and sent them flying to all parts of the field. The scouts were hot and tired; the

bowlers were changed and bowled till their arms ached; but Dumkins and Podder remained unconquered. Did

an elderly gentleman essay to stop the progress of the ball, it rolled between his legs or slipped between his

fingers. Did a slim gentleman try to catch it, it struck him on the nose, and bounded pleasantly off with

redoubled violence, while the slim gentleman's eyes filled with water, and his form writhed with anguish.

Was it thrown straight up to the wicket, Dumkins had reached it before the ball. In short, when Dumkins was

caught out, and Podder stumped out, AllMuggleton had notched some fiftyfour, while the score of the

Dingley Dellers was as blank as their faces. The advantage was too great to be recovered. In vain did the

eager Luffey, and the enthusiastic Struggles, do all that skill and experience could suggest, to regain the

ground Dingley Dell had lost in the contest it was of no avail; and in an early period of the winning game

The stranger, meanwhile, had been eating, drinking, and talking, without cessation. At every good stroke he

expressed his satisfaction and approval of the player in a most condescending and patronising manner, which

could not fail to have been highly gratifying to the party concerned; while at every bad attempt at a catch, and

every failure to stop the ball, he launched his personal displeasure at the head of the devoted individual in

forthejaculations which seemed to establish him in the opinion of all around, as a most excellent and

'Capital gamewell playedsome strokes admirable,' said the stranger, as both sides crowded into the tent,

'You have played it, sir?' inquired Mr. Wardle, who had been much amused by his loquacity. 'Played it!

Think I havethousands of timesnot hereWest Indiesexciting thinghot workvery.' 'It must be

'Warm!red hotscorchingglowing. Played a match oncesingle wicketfriend the colonelSir

Thomas Blazowho should get the greatest number of runs.Won the tossfirst inningsseven o'clock

A.m.six natives to look outwent in; kept inheat intensenatives all faintedtaken awayfresh

halfdozen orderedfainted alsoBlazo bowlingsupported by two nativescouldn't bowl me

outfainted toocleared away the colonelwouldn't give infaithful attendantQuanko Sambalast

man leftsun so hot, bat in blisters, ball scorched brownfive hundred and seventy runsrather

exhausted Quanko mustered up last remaining strengthbowled me out had a bath, and went out to

'Poor Quankonever recovered itbowled on, on my account bowled off, on his owndied, sir.' Here

the stranger buried his countenance in a brown jug, but whether to hide his emotion or imbibe its contents, we

cannot distinctly affirm. We only know that he paused suddenly, drew a long and deep breath, and looked

anxiously on, as two of the principal members of the Dingley Dell club approached Mr. Pickwick, and said

'We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the Blue Lion, Sir; we hope you and your friends will join us.'

'Of course,' said Mr. Wardle, 'among our friends we include Mr.;' and he looked towards the stranger.

'Jingle,' said that versatile gentleman, taking the hint at once. 'JingleAlfred Jingle, Esq., of No Hall,

'I shall be very happy, I am sure,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'So shall I,' said Mr. Alfred Jingle, drawing one arm

through Mr. Pickwick's, and another through Mr. Wardle's, as he whispered confidentially in the ear of the

'Devilish good dinnercold, but capitalpeeped into the room this morningfowls and pies, and all that

There being no further preliminaries to arrange, the company straggled into the town in little knots of twos

and threes; and within a quarter of an hour were all seated in the great room of the Blue Lion Inn,

There was a vast deal of talking and rattling of knives and forks, and plates; a great running about of three

ponderous headed waiters, and a rapid disappearance of the substantial viands on the table; to each and

every of which item of confusion, the facetious Mr. Jingle lent the aid of halfadozen ordinary men at least.

When everybody had eaten as much as possible, the cloth was removed, bottles, glasses, and dessert were

placed on the table; and the waiters withdrew to 'clear away,'or in other words, to appropriate to their own

private use and emolument whatever remnants of the eatables and drinkables they could contrive to lay their

Amidst the general hum of mirth and conversation that ensued, there was a little man with a puffy

Saynothingtome,orI'll contradictyou sort of countenance, who remained very quiet; occasionally

looking round him when the conversation slackened, as if he contemplated putting in something very

weighty; and now and then bursting into a short cough of inexpressible grandeur. At length, during a moment

Everybody was hushed into a profound stillness as the individual addressed, replied

'I wish to address a few words to you, Sir, if you will entreat the gentlemen to fill their glasses.'

Mr. Jingle uttered a patronising 'Hear, hear,' which was responded to by the remainder of the company; and

the glasses having been filled, the vicepresident assumed an air of wisdom in a state of profound attention;

'Sir,' said the little man, rising, 'I wish to address what I have to say to you and not to our worthy chairman,

because our worthy chairman is in some measureI may say in a great degree the subject of what I have

'Yes, to state,' said the little man, 'I thank my honourable friend, if he will allow me to call him so (four hears

and one certainly from Mr. Jingle), for the suggestion. Sir, I am a Deller a Dingley Deller (cheers). I

cannot lay claim to the honour of forming an item in the population of Muggleton; nor, Sir, I will frankly

admit, do I covet that honour: and I will tell you why, Sir (hear); to Muggleton I will readily concede all these

honours and distinctions to which it can fairly lay claimthey are too numerous and too well known to

require aid or recapitulation from me. But, sir, while we remember that Muggleton has given birth to a

Dumkins and a Podder, let us never forget that Dingley Dell can boast a Luffey and a Struggles. (Vociferous

cheering.) Let me not be considered as wishing to detract from the merits of the former gentlemen. Sir, I envy

them the luxury of their own feelings on this occasion. (Cheers.) Every gentleman who hears me, is probably

acquainted with the reply made by an individual, who to use an ordinary figure of speech"hung out" in a

tub, to the emperor Alexander:"if I were not Diogenes," said he, "I would be Alexander." I can well

imagine these gentlemen to say, "If I were not Dumkins I would be Luffey; if I were not Podder I would be

Struggles." (Enthusiasm.) But, gentlemen of Muggleton, is it in cricket alone that your fellowtownsmen

stand preeminent? Have you never heard of Dumkins and determination? Have you never been taught to

associate Podder with property? (Great applause.) Have you never, when struggling for your rights, your

liberties, and your privileges, been reduced, if only for an instant, to misgiving and despair? And when you

have been thus depressed, has not the name of Dumkins laid afresh within your breast the fire which had just

gone out; and has not a word from that man lighted it again as brightly as if it had never expired? (Great

cheering.) Gentlemen, I beg to surround with a rich halo of enthusiastic cheering the united names of

Here the little man ceased, and here the company commenced a raising of voices, and thumping of tables,

which lasted with little intermission during the remainder of the evening. Other toasts were drunk. Mr. Luffey

and Mr. Struggles, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Jingle, were, each in his turn, the subject of unqualified eulogium;

Enthusiastic as we are in the noble cause to which we have devoted ourselves, we should have felt a sensation

of pride which we cannot express, and a consciousness of having done something to merit immortality of

which we are now deprived, could we have laid the faintest outline on these addresses before our ardent

readers. Mr. Snodgrass, as usual, took a great mass of notes, which would no doubt have afforded most useful

and valuable information, had not the burning eloquence of the words or the feverish influence of the wine

made that gentleman's hand so extremely unsteady, as to render his writing nearly unintelligible, and his style

wholly so. By dint of patient investigation, we have been enabled to trace some characters bearing a faint

resemblance to the names of the speakers; and we can only discern an entry of a song (supposed to have been

sung by Mr. Jingle), in which the words 'bowl' 'sparkling' 'ruby' 'bright' and 'wine' are frequently repeated at

short intervals. We fancy, too, that we can discern at the very end of the notes, some indistinct reference to

'broiled bones'; and then the words 'cold' 'without' occur: but as any hypothesis we could found upon them

must necessarily rest upon mere conjecture, we are not disposed to indulge in any of the speculations to

We will therefore return to Mr. Tupman; merely adding that within some few minutes before twelve o'clock

that night, the convocation of worthies of Dingley Dell and Muggleton were heard to sing, with great feeling

The quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell, the presence of so many of the gentler sex, and the solicitude and

anxiety they evinced in his behalf, were all favourable to the growth and development of those softer feelings

which nature had implanted deep in the bosom of Mr. Tracy Tupman, and which now appeared destined to

centre in one lovely object. The young ladies were pretty, their manners winning, their dispositions

unexceptionable; but there was a dignity in the air, a touchmenotishness in the walk, a majesty in the eye,

of the spinster aunt, to which, at their time of life, they could lay no claim, which distinguished her from any

female on whom Mr. Tupman had ever gazed. That there was something kindred in their nature, something

congenial in their souls, something mysteriously sympathetic in their bosoms, was evident. Her name was the

first that rose to Mr. Tupman's lips as he lay wounded on the grass; and her hysteric laughter was the first

sound that fell upon his ear when he was supported to the house. But had her agitation arisen from an amiable

and feminine sensibility which would have been equally irrepressible in any case; or had it been called forth

by a more ardent and passionate feeling, which he, of all men living, could alone awaken? These were the

doubts which racked his brain as he lay extended on the sofa; these were the doubts which he determined

it was evening. Isabella and Emily had strolled out with Mr. Trundle; the deaf old lady had fallen asleep in

her chair; the snoring of the fat boy, penetrated in a low and monotonous sound from the distant kitchen; the

buxom servants were lounging at the side door, enjoying the pleasantness of the hour, and the delights of a

flirtation, on first principles, with certain unwieldy animals attached to the farm; and there sat the interesting

pair, uncared for by all, caring for none, and dreaming only of themselves; there they sat, in short, like a pair

'You will take cold in the evening air,' urged the spinster aunt affectionately.

The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the youth was placed, and taking his right arm led

There was a bower at the farther end, with honeysuckle, jessamine, and creeping plantsone of those sweet

The spinster aunt took up a large wateringpot which lay in one corner, and was about to leave the arbour.

'Miss Wardle!' said he. The spinster aunt trembled, till some pebbles which had accidentally found their way

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 64

'Then what can you be; or to what, without presumption, can I compare you?' replied Mr. Tupman. 'Where

was the woman ever seen who resembled you? Where else could I hope to find so rare a combination of

excellence and beauty? Where else could I seek to Oh!' Here Mr. Tupman paused, and pressed the hand

'They are, they are,' ejaculated Mr. Tupman; 'but not all men. There lives at least one being who can never

changeone being who would be content to devote his whole existence to your happinesswho lives but in

your eyeswho breathes but in your smileswho bears the heavy burden of life itself only for you.'

'But he CAN be found,' said the ardent Mr. Tupman, interposing. 'He IS found. He is here, Miss Wardle.' And

ere the lady was aware of his intention, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her feet.

'Never!' was the valorous reply. 'Oh, Rachael!' He seized her passive hand, and the wateringpot fell to the

'Mr. Tupman,' said the spinster aunt, with averted head, 'I can hardly speak the words; butbutyou are not

Mr. Tupman no sooner heard this avowal, than he proceeded to do what his enthusiastic emotions prompted,

and what, for aught we know (for we are but little acquainted with such matters), people so circumstanced

always do. He jumped up, and, throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster aunt, imprinted upon her lips

numerous kisses, which after a due show of struggling and resistance, she received so passively, that there is

no telling how many more Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if the lady had not given a very unaffected

Mr. Tupman looked round. There was the fat boy, perfectly motionless, with his large circular eyes staring

into the arbour, but without the slightest expression on his face that the most expert physiognomist could

have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or any other known passion that agitates the human breast. Mr.

Tupman gazed on the fat boy, and the fat boy stared at him; and the longer Mr. Tupman observed the utter

vacancy of the fat boy's countenance, the more convinced he became that he either did not know, or did not

understand, anything that had been going forward. Under this impression, he said with great firmness

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 65

Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but there was not a wink in his eye, or a curve in his face.

Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, and walked towards the house; the fat boy followed behind.

There was a sound behind them, as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle. Mr. Tupman turned sharply round.

No; it could not have been the fat boy; there was not a gleam of mirth, or anything but feeding in his whole

Mr, Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, had not been fast asleep. He was awakewide awaketo

The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation. The old lady had gone to bed; Isabella

Wardle devoted herself exclusively to Mr. Trundle; the spinster's attentions were reserved for Mr. Tupman;

and Emily's thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant objectpossibly they were with the absent

Eleventwelveone o'clock had struck, and the gentlemen had not arrived. Consternation sat on every

face. Could they have been waylaid and robbed? Should they send men and lanterns in every direction by

which they could be supposed likely to have travelled home? or should they Hark! there they were. What

could have made them so late? A strange voice, too! To whom could it belong? They rushed into the kitchen,

whither the truants had repaired, and at once obtained rather more than a glimmering of the real state of the

Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and his hat cocked completely over his left eye, was leaning

against the dresser, shaking his head from side to side, and producing a constant succession of the blandest

and most benevolent smiles without being moved thereunto by any discernible cause or pretence whatsoever;

old Mr. Wardle, with a highlyinflamed countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gentleman

muttering protestations of eternal friendship; Mr. Winkle, supporting himself by the eightday clock, was

feebly invoking destruction upon the head of any member of the family who should suggest the propriety of

his retiring for the night; and Mr. Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with an expression of the most abject and

hopeless misery that the human mind can imagine, portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face.

'Nothing the matter,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Wewe'reall right.I say, Wardle, we're all right, ain't we?'

'I should think so,' replied the jolly host.'My dears, here's my friend Mr. JingleMr. Pickwick's friend,

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 66

'Is anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, Sir?' inquired Emily, with great anxiety.

'Nothing the matter, ma'am,' replied the stranger. 'Cricket dinnerglorious partycapital songsold

'It wasn't the wine,' murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. 'It was the salmon.' (Somehow or other, it

'Hadn't they better go to bed, ma'am?' inquired Emma. 'Two of the boys will carry the gentlemen upstairs.'

'No living boy shall carry me,' said Mr. Pickwick stoutly; and he went on smiling as before. 'Hurrah!' gasped

'Hurrah!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat and dashing it on the floor, and insanely casting his

spectacles into the middle of the kitchen. At this humorous feat he laughed outright.

'Let'shave'notherbottle,'cried Mr. Winkle, commencing in a very loud key, and ending in a very faint

one. His head dropped upon his breast; and, muttering his invincible determination not to go to his bed, and a

sanguinary regret that he had not 'done for old Tupman' in the morning, he fell fast asleep; in which condition

he was borne to his apartment by two young giants under the personal superintendence of the fat boy, to

whose protecting care Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterwards confided his own person, Mr. Pickwick accepted the

proffered arm of Mr. Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more than ever; and Mr. Wardle, after taking

as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he were ordered for immediate execution, consigned to Mr.

Trundle the honour of conveying him upstairs, and retired, with a very futile attempt to look impressively

'Dreadfuldreadful!' said Jingle, looking very grave: he was about a bottle and a half ahead of any of his

Mr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester, and his mind was troubled. The succeeding halfhour's

conversation was not of a nature to calm his perturbed spirit. The new visitor was very talkative, and the

number of his anecdotes was only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness. Mr. Tupman felt that as

Jingle's popularity increased, he (Tupman) retired further into the shade. His laughter was forcedhis

merriment feigned; and when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets, he thought, with horrid

delight, on the satisfaction it would afford him to have Jingle's head at that moment between the feather bed

The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning, and, although his companions remained in bed

overpowered with the dissipation of the previous night, exerted himself most successfully to promote the

hilarity of the breakfasttable. So successful were his efforts, that even the deaf old lady insisted on having

one or two of his best jokes retailed through the trumpet; and even she condescended to observe to the

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 67

spinster aunt, that 'He' (meaning Jingle) 'was an impudent young fellow:' a sentiment in which all her

It was the old lady's habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to the arbour in which Mr. Tupman had

already signalised himself, in form and manner following: first, the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the old

lady's bedroom door, a close black satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl, and a thick stick with a capacious

handle; and the old lady, having put on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would lean one hand on the stick

and the other on the fat boy's shoulder, and walk leisurely to the arbour, where the fat boy would leave her to

enjoy the fresh air for the space of half an hour; at the expiration of which time he would return and

The old lady was very precise and very particular; and as this ceremony had been observed for three

successive summers without the slightest deviation from the accustomed form, she was not a little surprised

on this particular morning to see the fat boy, instead of leaving the arbour, walk a few paces out of it, look

carefully round him in every direction, and return towards her with great stealth and an air of the most

The old lady was timorousmost old ladies areand her first impression was that the bloated lad was about

to do her some grievous bodily harm with the view of possessing himself of her loose coin. She would have

cried for assistance, but age and infirmity had long ago deprived her of the power of screaming; she,

therefore, watched his motions with feelings of intense horror which were in no degree diminished by his

coming close up to her, and shouting in her ear in an agitated, and as it seemed to her, a threatening tone

Now it so happened that Mr. Jingle was walking in the garden close to the arbour at that moment. He too

heard the shouts of 'Missus,' and stopped to hear more. There were three reasons for his doing so. In the first

place, he was idle and curious; secondly, he was by no means scrupulous; thirdly, and lastly, he was

concealed from view by some flowering shrubs. So there he stood, and there he listened.

'Well, Joe,' said the trembling old lady. 'I'm sure I have been a good mistress to you, Joe. You have invariably

been treated very kindly. You have never had too much to do; and you have always had enough to eat.'

This last was an appeal to the fat boy's most sensitive feelings. He seemed touched, as he replied

This sounded like a very bloodthirsty mode of showing one's gratitude; and as the old lady did not precisely

understand the process by which such a result was to be attained, all her former horrors returned.

'Bless us! What?' exclaimed the old lady, alarmed at the solemn manner of the corpulent youth.

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 68

'Who, Joe? None of the servants, I hope.' 'Worser than that,' roared the fat boy, in the old lady's ear.

'Worse than that, Joe!' said the old lady, who had thought this the extreme limit of human atrocity. 'Who was

The fat boy looked cautiously round, and having concluded his survey, shouted in the old lady's ear

The train of nods which the fat boy gave by way of assent, communicated a blancmange like motion to his

'And she suffered him!' exclaimed the old lady. A grin stole over the fat boy's features as he said

If Mr. Jingle, from his place of concealment, could have beheld the expression which the old lady's face

assumed at this communication, the probability is that a sudden burst of laughter would have betrayed his

close vicinity to the summer house. He listened attentively. Fragments of angry sentences such as, 'Without

my permission!''At her time of life''Miserable old 'ooman like me''Might have waited till I was dead,'

and so forth, reached his ears; and then he heard the heels of the fat boy's boots crunching the gravel, as he

It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps, but it was nevertheless a fact, that Mr. Jingle within five minutes of

his arrival at Manor Farm on the preceding night, had inwardly resolved to lay siege to the heart of the

spinster aunt, without delay. He had observation enough to see, that his offhand manner was by no means

disagreeable to the fair object of his attack; and he had more than a strong suspicion that she possessed that

most desirable of all requisites, a small independence. The imperative necessity of ousting his rival by some

means or other, flashed quickly upon him, and he immediately resolved to adopt certain proceedings tending

to that end and object, without a moment's delay. Fielding tells us that man is fire, and woman tow, and the

Prince of Darkness sets a light to 'em. Mr. Jingle knew that young men, to spinster aunts, are as lighted gas to

gunpowder, and he determined to essay the effect of an explosion without loss of time.

Full of reflections upon this important decision, he crept from his place of concealment, and, under cover of

the shrubs before mentioned, approached the house. Fortune seemed determined to favour his design. Mr.

Tupman and the rest of the gentlemen left the garden by the side gate just as he obtained a view of it; and the

young ladies, he knew, had walked out alone, soon after breakfast. The coast was clear.

The breakfastparlour door was partially open. He peeped in. The spinster aunt was knitting. He coughed;

she looked up and smiled. Hesitation formed no part of Mr. Alfred Jingle's character. He laid his finger on his

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 69

'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Jingle, with affected earnestness, 'forgive intrusionshort acquaintanceno time

'Sir!' said the spinster aunt, rather astonished by the unexpected apparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr.

'Hush!' said Mr. Jingle, in a stagewhisper'Large boy dumpling faceround eyesrascal!' Here he

'I presume you allude to Joseph, Sir?' said the lady, making an effort to appear composed.

furiouswildravingarbourTupman kissing and huggingall that sort of thingeh, ma'ameh?'

'Not at allby no means,' replied the unabashed Mr. Jingle 'overheard the talecame to warn you of your

dangertender my servicesprevent the hubbub. Never mindthink it an insultleave the room'and

'What SHALL I do!' said the poor spinster, bursting into tears. 'My brother will be furious.'

'Of course he will,' said Mr. Jingle pausing'outrageous.' 'Oh, Mr. Jingle, what CAN I say!' exclaimed the

A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at this suggestion. Mr. Jingle perceived it, and

Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of this illtimed discovery was delightful to the

spinster's feelings, or whether the hearing herself described as a 'lovely woman' softened the asperity of her

grief, we know not. She blushed slightly, and cast a grateful look on Mr. Jingle.

That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply, fixed his eyes on the spinster aunt's face for a couple of minutes,

'You seem unhappy, Mr. Jingle,' said the lady, in a plaintive voice. 'May I show my gratitude for your kind

interference, by inquiring into the cause, with a view, if possible, to its removal?'

'Ha!' exclaimed Mr. Jingle, with another start'removal! remove my unhappiness, and your love bestowed

upon a man who is insensible to the blessingwho even now contemplates a design upon the affections of

the niece of the creature whobut no; he is my friend; I will not expose his vices. Miss Wardle farewell!'

At the conclusion of this address, the most consecutive he was ever known to utter, Mr. Jingle applied to his

'Stay, Mr. Jingle!' said the spinster aunt emphatically. 'You have made an allusion to Mr. Tupmanexplain

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 70

'Never!' exclaimed Jingle, with a professional (i.e., theatrical) air. 'Never!' and, by way of showing that he had

no desire to be questioned further, he drew a chair close to that of the spinster aunt and sat down.

'Mr. Jingle,' said the aunt, 'I entreatI implore you, if there is any dreadful mystery connected with Mr.

'Can I,' said Mr. Jingle, fixing his eyes on the aunt's face 'can I seelovely creaturesacrificed at the

shrine heartless avarice!' He appeared to be struggling with various conflicting emotions for a few seconds,

'The wretch!' exclaimed the spinster, with energetic indignation. (Mr. Jingle's doubts were resolved. She

Now, if there was one individual in the whole world, of whom the spinster aunt entertained a mortal and

deeprooted jealousy, it was this identical niece. The colour rushed over her face and neck, and she tossed

her head in silence with an air of ineffable contempt. At last, biting her thin lips, and bridling up, she said

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 71

'Cut ME!' screamed the spinster aunt. 'HE cut ME; will he!' and she trembled with rage and disappointment.

Mr. Jingle fell on his knees, remained thereupon for five minutes thereafter; and rose the accepted lover of

the spinster auntconditionally upon Mr. Tupman's perjury being made clear and manifest.

The burden of proof lay with Mr. Alfred Jingle; and he produced his evidence that very day at dinner. The

spinster aunt could hardly believe her eyes. Mr. Tracy Tupman was established at Emily's side, ogling,

whispering, and smiling, in opposition to Mr. Snodgrass. Not a word, not a look, not a glance, did he bestow

'Damn that boy!' thought old Mr. Wardle to himself.He had heard the story from his mother. 'Damn that

'Traitor!' thought the spinster aunt. 'Dear Mr. Jingle was not deceiving me. Ugh! how I hate the wretch!'

The following conversation may serve to explain to our readers this apparently unaccountable alteration of

The time was evening; the scene the garden. There were two figures walking in a side path; one was rather

short and stout; the other tall and slim. They were Mr. Tupman and Mr. Jingle. The stout figure commenced

'Splendidcapitalcouldn't act better myselfyou must repeat the part tomorrowevery evening till

'Of courseshe don't like itbut must be doneavert suspicionafraid of her brothersays there's no

'Lovebest lovekindest regardsunalterable affection. Can I say anything for you?'

CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY 72

'My dear fellow,' replied the unsuspicious Mr. Tupman, fervently grasping his 'friend's' hand'carry my best

lovesay how hard I find it to dissemblesay anything that's kind: but add how sensible I am of the

necessity of the suggestion she made to me, through you, this morning. Say I applaud her wisdom and admire

'Nothing, only add how ardently I long for the time when I may call her mine, and all dissimulation may be

'Oh, my friend!' said poor Mr. Tupman, again grasping the hand of his companion, 'receive my warmest

thanks for your disinterested kindness; and forgive me if I have ever, even in thought, done you the injustice

of supposing that you could stand in my way. My dear friend, can I ever repay you?'

'Don't talk of it,' replied Mr. Jingle. He stopped short, as if suddenly recollecting something, and said'By

the byecan't spare ten pounds, can you?very particular purposepay you in three days.'

'I dare say I can,' replied Mr. Tupman, in the fulness of his heart. 'Three days, you say?'

'Only three daysall over thenno more difficulties.' Mr. Tupman counted the money into his companion's

hand, and he dropped it piece by piece into his pocket, as they walked towards the house.

'All your attentions to the niecerather rude, than otherwise, to the auntonly way of deceiving the old

The scene of that afternoon was repeated that evening, and on the three afternoons and evenings next ensuing.

On the fourth, the host was in high spirits, for he had satisfied himself that there was no ground for the charge

against Mr. Tupman. So was Mr. Tupman, for Mr. Jingle had told him that his affair would soon be brought

to a crisis. So was Mr. Pickwick, for he was seldom otherwise. So was not Mr. Snodgrass, for he had grown

jealous of Mr. Tupman. So was the old lady, for she had been winning at whist. So were Mr. Jingle and Miss

Wardle, for reasons of sufficient importance in this eventful history to be narrated in another chapter.

The supper was ready laid, the chairs were drawn round the table, bottles, jugs, and glasses were arranged

upon the sideboard, and everything betokened the approach of the most convivial period in the whole

'Dear me,' said the host, 'I wonder I haven't missed him before. Why, I don't think I've heard his voice for two

'Where's Miss Rachael?' He couldn't say. 'Where's Mr. Jingle, then?' He didn't know. Everybody looked

surprised. It was latepast eleven o'clock. Mr. Tupman laughed in his sleeve. They were loitering

'Never mind,' said Wardle, after a short pause. 'They'll turn up presently, I dare say. I never wait supper for

There was a gigantic round of cold beef on the table, and Mr. Pickwick was supplied with a plentiful portion

of it. He had raised his fork to his lips, and was on the very point of opening his mouth for the reception of a

piece of beef, when the hum of many voices suddenly arose in the kitchen. He paused, and laid down his

fork. Mr. Wardle paused too, and insensibly released his hold of the carvingknife, which remained inserted

Heavy footsteps were heard in the passage; the parlour door was suddenly burst open; and the man who had

cleaned Mr. Pickwick's boots on his first arrival, rushed into the room, followed by the fat boy and all the

'The kitchen chimney ain't afire, is it, Emma?' inquired the old lady. 'Lor, grandma! No,' screamed both the

'They ha' gone, mas'r!gone right clean off, Sir!' (At this juncture Mr. Tupman was observed to lay down

'Mus'r Jingle and Miss Rachael, in a po'chay, from Blue Lion, Muggleton. I was there; but I couldn't stop

'I paid his expenses!' said Mr. Tupman, jumping up frantically. 'He's got ten pounds of mine!stop

him!he's swindled me! I won't bear it!I'll have justice, Pickwick!I won't stand it!' and with sundry

incoherent exclamations of the like nature, the unhappy gentleman spun round and round the apartment, in a

'Lord preserve us!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, eyeing the extraordinary gestures of his friend with terrified

surprise. 'He's gone mad! What shall we do?' 'Do!' said the stout old host, who regarded only the last words of

the sentence. 'Put the horse in the gig! I'll get a chaise at the Lion, and follow 'em instantly. Where?'he

exclaimed, as the man ran out to execute the commission'where's that villain, Joe?'

'Let me get at him, Pickwick,' cried Wardle, as he rushed at the illstarred youth. 'He was bribed by that

scoundrel, Jingle, to put me on a wrong scent, by telling a cockandbull story of my sister and your friend

'Don't let him!' screamed all the women, above whose exclamations the blubbering of the fat boy was

'I won't be held!' cried the old man. 'Mr. Winkle, take your hands off. Mr. Pickwick, let me go, sir!'

It was a beautiful sight, in that moment of turmoil and confusion, to behold the placid and philosophical

expression of Mr. Pickwick's face, albeit somewhat flushed with exertion, as he stood with his arms firmly

clasped round the extensive waist of their corpulent host, thus restraining the impetuosity of his passion,

while the fat boy was scratched, and pulled, and pushed from the room by all the females congregated

therein. He had no sooner released his hold, than the man entered to announce that the gig was ready.

'You're a good fellow, Pickwick,' said the host, grasping his hand. 'Emma, give Mr. Pickwick a shawl to tie

round his neck make haste. Look after your grandmother, girls; she has fainted away. Now then, are you

Mr. Pickwick's mouth and chin having been hastily enveloped in a large shawl, his hat having been put on his

They jumped into the gig. 'Give her her head, Tom,' cried the host; and away they went, down the narrow

lanes; jolting in and out of the cartruts, and bumping up against the hedges on either side, as if they would

'How much are they ahead?' shouted Wardle, as they drove up to the door of the Blue Lion, round which a

'Not above threequarters of an hour,' was everybody's reply. 'Chaiseandfour directly!out with 'em! Put

Away ran the hostlers and the boys. The lanterns glimmered, as the men ran to and fro; the horses' hoofs

clattered on the uneven paving of the yard; the chaise rumbled as it was drawn out of the coachhouse; and

The boys applied whip and spur, the waiters shouted, the hostlers cheered, and away they went, fast and

'Pretty situation,' thought Mr. Pickwick, when he had had a moment's time for reflection. 'Pretty situation for

the general chairman of the Pickwick Club. Damp chaisestrange horses fifteen miles an hourand

For the first three or four miles, not a word was spoken by either of the gentlemen, each being too much

immersed in his own reflections to address any observations to his companion. When they had gone over that

much ground, however, and the horses getting thoroughly warmed began to do their work in really good

style, Mr. Pickwick became too much exhilarated with the rapidity of the motion, to remain any longer

'Fine night,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking up at the moon, which was shining brightly.

'So much the worse,' returned Wardle; 'for they'll have had all the advantage of the moonlight to get the start

'It will be rather unpleasant going at this rate in the dark, won't it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.

Mr. Pickwick's temporary excitement began to sober down a little, as he reflected upon the inconveniences

and dangers of the expedition in which he had so thoughtlessly embarked. He was roused by a loud shouting

'Yoyoyoyoe!' chimed in old Wardle himself, most lustily, with his head and half his body out of the

'Yoyoyoyoe!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, taking up the burden of the cry, though he had not the slightest

notion of its meaning or object. And amidst the yoyoing of the whole four, the chaise stopped.

'There's a gate here,' replied old Wardle. 'We shall hear something of the fugitives.'

After a lapse of five minutes, consumed in incessant knocking and shouting, an old man in his shirt and

'Why, I don't rightly know. It worn't a long time ago, nor it worn't a short time agojust between the two,

'Drive on, boys,' cried the testy old gentleman; 'don't waste any more time with that old idiot!'

'Idiot!' exclaimed the old man with a grin, as he stood in the middle of the road with the gate halfclosed,

watching the chaise which rapidly diminished in the increasing distance. 'Nonot much o' that either; you've

lost ten minutes here, and gone away as wise as you came, arter all. If every man on the line as has a guinea

give him, earns it half as well, you won't catch t'other shay this side Mich'lmas, old shortandfat.' And with

another prolonged grin, the old man closed the gate, reentered his house, and bolted the door after him.

Meanwhile the chaise proceeded, without any slackening of pace, towards the conclusion of the stage. The

moon, as Wardle had foretold, was rapidly on the wane; large tiers of dark, heavy clouds, which had been

gradually overspreading the sky for some time past, now formed one black mass overhead; and large drops of

rain which pattered every now and then against the windows of the chaise, seemed to warn the travellers of

the rapid approach of a stormy night. The wind, too, which was directly against them, swept in furious gusts

down the narrow road, and howled dismally through the trees which skirted the pathway. Mr. Pickwick drew

his coat closer about him, coiled himself more snugly up into the corner of the chaise, and fell into a sound

sleep, from which he was only awakened by the stopping of the vehicle, the sound of the hostler's bell, and a

But here another delay occurred. The boys were sleeping with such mysterious soundness, that it took five

minutes apiece to wake them. The hostler had somehow or other mislaid the key of the stable, and even

when that was found, two sleepy helpers put the wrong harness on the wrong horses, and the whole process

of harnessing had to be gone through afresh. Had Mr. Pickwick been alone, these multiplied obstacles would

have completely put an end to the pursuit at once, but old Wardle was not to be so easily daunted; and he laid

about him with such hearty goodwill, cuffing this man, and pushing that; strapping a buckle here, and taking

in a link there, that the chaise was ready in a much shorter time than could reasonably have been expected,

They resumed their journey; and certainly the prospect before them was by no means encouraging. The stage

was fifteen miles long, the night was dark, the wind high, and the rain pouring in torrents. It was impossible

to make any great way against such obstacles united; it was hard upon one o'clock already; and nearly two

hours were consumed in getting to the end of the stage. Here, however, an object presented itself, which

'When did this chaise come in?' cried old Wardle, leaping out of his own vehicle, and pointing to one covered

'Not a quarter of an hour ago, sir,' replied the hostler, to whom the question was addressed. 'Lady and

''Tis them!' said Wardle, 'it is, by Jove! Chaiseandfour instantly! We shall catch them yet before they reach

the next stage. A guinea apiece, boysbe alive therebustle about there's good fellows.'

And with such admonitions as these, the old gentleman ran up and down the yard, and bustled to and fro, in a

state of excitement which communicated itself to Mr. Pickwick also; and under the influence of which, that

gentleman got himself into complicated entanglements with harness, and mixed up with horses and wheels of

chaises, in the most surprising manner, firmly believing that by so doing he was materially forwarding the

'Jump injump in!' cried old Wardle, climbing into the chaise, pulling up the steps, and slamming the door

after him. 'Come along! Make haste!' And before Mr. Pickwick knew precisely what he was about, he felt

himself forced in at the other door, by one pull from the old gentleman and one push from the hostler; and off

'Ah! we are moving now,' said the old gentleman exultingly. They were indeed, as was sufficiently testified to

Mr. Pickwick, by his constant collision either with the hard woodwork of the chaise, or the body of his

'Hold up!' said the stout old Mr. Wardle, as Mr. Pickwick dived head foremost into his capacious waistcoat.

Mr. Pickwick planted himself into his own corner, as firmly as he could; and on whirled the chaise faster than

They had travelled in this way about three miles, when Mr. Wardle, who had been looking out of the Window

for two or three minutes, suddenly drew in his face, covered with splashes, and exclaimed in breathless

Mr. Pickwick thrust his head out of his window. Yes: there was a chaiseandfour, a short distance before

'Go on, go on,' almost shrieked the old gentleman. 'Two guineas apiece, boysdon't let 'em gain on

The horses in the first chaise started on at their utmost speed; and those in Mr. Wardle's galloped furiously

'So do I' said Mr. Pickwick; 'that's he.' Mr. Pickwick was not mistaken. The countenance of Mr. Jingle,

completely coated with mud thrown up by the wheels, was plainly discernible at the window of his chaise;

and the motion of his arm, which was waving violently towards the postillions, denoted that he was

The interest was intense. Fields, trees, and hedges, seemed to rush past them with the velocity of a whirlwind,

so rapid was the pace at which they tore along. They were close by the side of the first chaise. Jingle's voice

could be plainly heard, even above the din of the wheels, urging on the boys. Old Mr. Wardle foamed with

rage and excitement. He roared out scoundrels and villains by the dozen, clenched his fist and shook it

expressively at the object of his indignation; but Mr. Jingle only answered with a contemptuous smile, and

replied to his menaces by a shout of triumph, as his horses, answering the increased application of whip and

Mr. Pickwick had just drawn in his head, and Mr. Wardle, exhausted with shouting, had done the same, when

a tremendous jolt threw them forward against the front of the vehicle. There was a sudden bumpa loud

After a very few seconds of bewilderment and confusion, in which nothing but the plunging of horses, and

breaking of glass could be made out, Mr. Pickwick felt himself violently pulled out from among the ruins of

the chaise; and as soon as he had gained his feet, extricated his head from the skirts of his greatcoat, which

materially impeded the usefulness of his spectacles, the full disaster of the case met his view.

Old Mr. Wardle without a hat, and his clothes torn in several places, stood by his side, and the fragments of

the chaise lay scattered at their feet. The postboys, who had succeeded in cutting the traces, were standing,

disfigured with mud and disordered by hard riding, by the horses' heads. About a hundred yards in advance

was the other chaise, which had pulled up on hearing the crash. The postillions, each with a broad grin

convulsing his countenance, were viewing the adverse party from their saddles, and Mr. Jingle was

contemplating the wreck from the coach window, with evident satisfaction. The day was just breaking, and

the whole scene was rendered perfectly visible by the grey light of the morning.

'Hollo!' shouted the shameless Jingle, 'anybody damaged? elderly gentlemenno light

'Ha! ha!' replied Jingle; and then he added, with a knowing wink, and a jerk of the thumb towards the interior

of the chaise 'I sayshe's very welldesires her complimentsbegs you won't trouble yourselflove

The postillions resumed their proper attitudes, and away rattled the chaise, Mr. Jingle fluttering in derision a

Nothing in the whole adventure, not even the upset, had disturbed the calm and equable current of Mr.

Pickwick's temper. The villainy, however, which could first borrow money of his faithful follower, and then

abbreviate his name to 'Tuppy,' was more than he could patiently bear. He drew his breath hard, and coloured

'Yes, yes,' interrupted Wardle, 'that's all very well; but while we stand talking here, they'll get their licence,

Mr. Pickwick paused, bottled up his vengeance, and corked it down. 'How far is it to the next stage?' inquired

So sending forward one of the boys on horseback, to procure a fresh chaise and horses, and leaving the other

behind to take care of the broken one, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Wardle set manfully forward on the walk, first

tying their shawls round their necks, and slouching down their hats to escape as much as possible from the

deluge of rain, which after a slight cessation had again begun to pour heavily down.

There are in London several old inns, once the headquarters of celebrated coaches in the days when coaches

performed their journeys in a graver and more solemn manner than they do in these times; but which have

now degenerated into little more than the abiding and bookingplaces of country wagons. The reader would

look in vain for any of these ancient hostelries, among the Golden Crosses and Bull and Mouths, which rear

their stately fronts in the improved streets of London. If he would light upon any of these old places, he must

direct his steps to the obscurer quarters of the town, and there in some secluded nooks he will find several,

still standing with a kind of gloomy sturdiness, amidst the modern innovations which surround them.

In the Borough especially, there still remain some halfdozen old inns, which have preserved their external

features unchanged, and which have escaped alike the rage for public improvement and the encroachments of

private speculation. Great, rambling queer old places they are, with galleries, and passages, and staircases,

wide enough and antiquated enough to furnish materials for a hundred ghost stories, supposing we should

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 80

ever be reduced to the lamentable necessity of inventing any, and that the world should exist long enough to

exhaust the innumerable veracious legends connected with old London Bridge, and its adjacent

It was in the yard of one of these innsof no less celebrated a one than the White Hartthat a man was

busily employed in brushing the dirt off a pair of boots, early on the morning succeeding the events narrated

in the last chapter. He was habited in a coarse, striped waistcoat, with black calico sleeves, and blue glass

buttons; drab breeches and leggings. A bright red handkerchief was wound in a very loose and unstudied

style round his neck, and an old white hat was carelessly thrown on one side of his head. There were two

rows of boots before him, one cleaned and the other dirty, and at every addition he made to the clean row, he

The yard presented none of that bustle and activity which are the usual characteristics of a large coach inn.

Three or four lumbering wagons, each with a pile of goods beneath its ample canopy, about the height of the

secondfloor window of an ordinary house, were stowed away beneath a lofty roof which extended over one

end of the yard; and another, which was probably to commence its journey that morning, was drawn out into

the open space. A double tier of bedroom galleries, with old Clumsy balustrades, ran round two sides of the

straggling area, and a double row of bells to correspond, sheltered from the weather by a little sloping roof,

hung over the door leading to the bar and coffeeroom. Two or three gigs and chaisecarts were wheeled up

under different little sheds and penthouses; and the occasional heavy tread of a carthorse, or rattling of a

chain at the farther end of the yard, announced to anybody who cared about the matter, that the stable lay in

that direction. When we add that a few boys in smockfrocks were lying asleep on heavy packages,

woolpacks, and other articles that were scattered about on heaps of straw, we have described as fully as

need be the general appearance of the yard of the White Hart Inn, High Street, Borough, on the particular

A loud ringing of one of the bells was followed by the appearance of a smart chambermaid in the upper

sleeping gallery, who, after tapping at one of the doors, and receiving a request from within, called over the

'Ask number twentytwo, vether he'll have 'em now, or vait till he gets 'em,' was the reply.

'Come, don't be a fool, Sam,' said the girl coaxingly, 'the gentleman wants his boots directly.'

'Well, you ARE a nice young 'ooman for a musical party, you are,' said the bootcleaner. 'Look at these here

bootseleven pair o' boots; and one shoe as belongs to number six, with the wooden leg. The eleven boots is

to be called at halfpast eight and the shoe at nine. Who's number twentytwo, that's to put all the others out?

No, no; reg'lar rotation, as Jack Ketch said, ven he tied the men up. Sorry to keep you awaitin', Sir, but I'll

Saying which, the man in the white hat set to work upon a topboot with increased assiduity.

There was another loud ring; and the bustling old landlady of the White Hart made her appearance in the

'Sam,' cried the landlady, 'where's that lazy, idle why, Sam oh, there you are; why don't you answer?'

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 81

'Here, clean these shoes for number seventeen directly, and take 'em to private sittingroom, number five,

'Number five,' said Sam, as he picked up the shoes, and taking a piece of chalk from his pocket, made a

memorandum of their destination on the soles'Lady's shoes and private sittin' room! I suppose she didn't

'She came in early this morning,' cried the girl, who was still leaning over the railing of the gallery, 'with a

gentleman in a hackneycoach, and it's him as wants his boots, and you'd better do 'em, that's all about it.'

'Vy didn't you say so before,' said Sam, with great indignation, singling out the boots in question from the

heap before him. 'For all I know'd he was one o' the regular threepennies. Private room! and a lady too! If he's

anything of a gen'l'm'n, he's vurth a shillin' a day, let alone the arrands.' Stimulated by this inspiring

reflection, Mr. Samuel brushed away with such hearty goodwill, that in a few minutes the boots and shoes,

with a polish which would have struck envy to the soul of the amiable Mr. Warren (for they used Day Martin

'Come in,' said a man's voice, in reply to Sam's rap at the door. Sam made his best bow, and stepped into the

presence of a lady and gentleman seated at breakfast. Having officiously deposited the gentleman's boots

right and left at his feet, and the lady's shoes right and left at hers, he backed towards the door.

'Sir,' said Sam, closing the door, and keeping his hand on the knob of the lock. 'Do you knowwhat's

'Paul's Churchyard, Sir; low archway on the carriage side, bookseller's at one corner, hotel on the other, and

'Touts for licences,' replied Sam. 'Two coves in vhite aprons touches their hats ven you walk

in"Licence, Sir, licence?" Queer sort, them, and their mas'rs, too, sirOld Bailey Proctors and no

'Do! You, Sir! That ain't the worst on it, neither. They puts things into old gen'l'm'n's heads as they never

dreamed of. My father, Sir, wos a coachman. A widower he wos, and fat enough for anythinguncommon

fat, to be sure. His missus dies, and leaves him four hundred pound. Down he goes to the Commons, to see

the lawyer and draw the bluntvery smarttop boots on nosegay in his buttonholebroadbrimmed

tilegreen shawl quite the gen'l'm'n. Goes through the archvay, thinking how he should inwest the

moneyup comes the touter, touches his hat"Licence, Sir, licence?""What's that?" says my father.

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 82

"Licence, Sir," says he."What licence?" says my father. "Marriage licence," says the touter."Dash my

veskit," says my father, "I never thought o' that.""I think you wants one, Sir," says the touter. My father

pulls up, and thinks a bit"No," says he, "damme, I'm too old, b'sides, I'm a many sizes too large," says

he."Not a bit on it, Sir," says the touter."Think not?" says my father."I'm sure not," says he; "we

married a gen'l'm'n twice your size, last Monday.""Did you, though?" said my father."To be sure, we

did," says the touter, "you're a babby to himthis way, sirthis way!"and sure enough my father walks

arter him, like a tame monkey behind a horgan, into a little back office, vere a teller sat among dirty papers,

and tin boxes, making believe he was busy. "Pray take a seat, vile I makes out the affidavit, Sir," says the

lawyer."Thank'ee, Sir," says my father, and down he sat, and stared with all his eyes, and his mouth vide

open, at the names on the boxes. "What's your name, Sir," says the lawyer."Tony Weller," says my

father."Parish?" says the lawyer. "Belle Savage," says my father; for he stopped there wen he drove up,

and he know'd nothing about parishes, he didn't."And what's the lady's name?" says the lawyer. My father

was struck all of a heap. "Blessed if I know," says he. "Not know!" says the lawyer."No more nor you

do," says my father; "can't I put that in arterwards?""Impossible!" says the lawyer."Wery well," says my

father, after he'd thought a moment, "put down Mrs. Clarke.""What Clarke?" says the lawyer, dipping his

pen in the ink."Susan Clarke, Markis o' Granby, Dorking," says my father; "she'll have me, if I ask. I

dessayI never said nothing to her, but she'll have me, I know." The licence was made out, and she DID

have him, and what's more she's got him now; and I never had any of the four hundred pound, worse luck.

Beg your pardon, sir,' said Sam, when he had concluded, 'but wen I gets on this here grievance, I runs on like

a new barrow with the wheel greased.' Having said which, and having paused for an instant to see whether he

'Halfpast ninejust the timeoff at once;' said the gentleman, whom we need hardly introduce as Mr.

'Licence, dearest of angelsgive notice at the churchcall you mine, tomorrow'said Mr. Jingle, and he

'Run onnothing to the hours, days, weeks, months, years, when we're unitedrun onthey'll fly

'Can'tcan't we be married before tomorrow morning?' inquired Rachael. 'Impossiblecan't benotice at

the churchleave the licence todayceremony come off tomorrow.' 'I am so terrified, lest my brother

'Discovernonsensetoo much shaken by the breakdown besidesextreme cautiongave up the

postchaisewalked on took a hackneycoachcame to the Boroughlast place in the world that he'd

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 83

'Don't be long,' said the spinster affectionately, as Mr. Jingle stuck the pinchedup hat on his head.

'Long away from you?Cruel charmer;' and Mr. Jingle skipped playfully up to the spinster aunt, imprinted a

It is painful to reflect upon the perfidy of our species; and we will not, therefore, pursue the thread of Mr.

Jingle's meditations, as he wended his way to Doctors' Commons. It will be sufficient for our purpose to

relate, that escaping the snares of the dragons in white aprons, who guard the entrance to that enchanted

region, he reached the vicargeneral's office in safety and having procured a highly flattering address on

parchment, from the Archbishop of Canterbury, to his 'trusty and wellbeloved Alfred Jingle and Rachael

Wardle, greeting,' he carefully deposited the mystic document in his pocket, and retraced his steps in triumph

He was yet on his way to the White Hart, when two plump gentleman and one thin one entered the yard, and

looked round in search of some authorised person of whom they could make a few inquiries. Mr. Samuel

Weller happened to be at that moment engaged in burnishing a pair of painted tops, the personal property of a

farmer who was refreshing himself with a slight lunch of two or three pounds of cold beef and a pot or two of

porter, after the fatigues of the Borough market; and to him the thin gentleman straightway advanced.

'You're one o' the adwice gratis order,' thought Sam, 'or you wouldn't be so wery fond o' me all at once.' But

'My friend,' said the thin gentleman, with a conciliatory hem 'have you got many people stopping here

Sam stole a look at the inquirer. He was a little highdried man, with a dark squeezedup face, and small,

restless, black eyes, that kept winking and twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose, as if they were

playing a perpetual game of peepbo with that feature. He was dressed all in black, with boots as shiny as his

eyes, a low white neckcloth, and a clean shirt with a frill to it. A gold watchchain, and seals, depended from

his fob. He carried his black kid gloves IN his hands, and not ON them; and as he spoke, thrust his wrists

beneath his coat tails, with the air of a man who was in the habit of propounding some regular posers.

'Oh, wery well, Sir,' replied Sam, 'we shan't be bankrupts, and we shan't make our fort'ns. We eats our biled

'My eldest brother was troubled with that complaint,' said Sam; 'it may be catchingI used to sleep with

'If you'd sent word you was acoming, we'd ha' had it repaired;' replied the imperturbable Sam.

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 84

The little man seemed rather baffled by these several repulses, and a short consultation took place between

him and the two plump gentlemen. At its conclusion, the little man took a pinch of snuff from an oblong

silver box, and was apparently on the point of renewing the conversation, when one of the plump gentlemen,

who in addition to a benevolent countenance, possessed a pair of spectacles, and a pair of black gaiters,

'The fact of the matter is,' said the benevolent gentleman, 'that my friend here (pointing to the other plump

'Now, my dear sirmy dear Sir,' said the little man, 'pray, allow memy dear Sir, the very first principle to

be observed in these cases, is this: if you place the matter in the hands of a professional man, you must in no

way interfere in the progress of the business; you must repose implicit confidence in him. Really, Mr.' He

'Ah, Pickwickreally Mr. Pickwick, my dear Sir, excuse me I shall be happy to receive any private

suggestions of yours, as AMICUS CURIAE, but you must see the impropriety of your interfering with my

conduct in this case, with such an AD CAPTANDUM argument as the offer of half a guinea. Really, my dear

Sir, really;' and the little man took an argumentative pinch of snuff, and looked very profound.

'My only wish, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'was to bring this very unpleasant matter to as speedy a close as

'With which view,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'I made use of the argument which my experience of men has

'Ay, ay,' said the little man, 'very good, very good, indeed; but you should have suggested it to me. My dear

sir, I'm quite certain you cannot be ignorant of the extent of confidence which must be placed in professional

men. If any authority can be necessary on such a point, my dear sir, let me refer you to the wellknown case

'Never mind George Barnwell,' interrupted Sam, who had remained a wondering listener during this short

colloquy; 'everybody knows what sort of a case his was, tho' it's always been my opinion, mind you, that the

young 'ooman deserved scragging a precious sight more than he did. Hows'ever, that's neither here nor there.

You want me to accept of half a guinea. Wery well, I'm agreeable: I can't say no fairer than that, can I, sir?'

(Mr. Pickwick smiled.) Then the next question is, what the devil do you want with me, as the man said, wen

'We want to know,' said the little man solemnly; 'and we ask the question of you, in order that we may not

awaken apprehensions insidewe want to know who you've got in this house at present?'

'Who there is in the house!' said Sam, in whose mind the inmates were always represented by that particular

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 85

article of their costume, which came under his immediate superintendence. 'There's a vooden leg in number

six; there's a pair of Hessians in thirteen; there's two pair of halves in the commercial; there's these here

painted tops in the snuggery inside the bar; and five more tops in the coffeeroom.'

'Stop a bit,' replied Sam, suddenly recollecting himself. 'Yes; there's a pair of Vellingtons a good deal worn,

'What sort of shoes?' hastily inquired Wardle, who, together with Mr. Pickwick, had been lost in

'We're in time,' exclaimed Wardle. 'Show us the room; not a moment is to be lost.'

'Pray, my dear sirpray,' said the little man; 'caution, caution.' He drew from his pocket a red silk purse, and

'Show us into the room at once, without announcing us,' said the little man, 'and it's yours.'

Sam threw the painted tops into a corner, and led the way through a dark passage, and up a wide staircase. He

'Here it is,' whispered the attorney, as he deposited the money on the hand of their guide.

The man stepped forward for a few paces, followed by the two friends and their legal adviser. He stopped at a

CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER 86

Old Wardle opened the door; and the whole three walked into the room just as Mr. Jingle, who had that

The spinster uttered a loud shriek, and throwing herself into a chair, covered her face with her hands. Mr.

Jingle crumpled up the licence, and thrust it into his coat pocket. The unwelcome visitors advanced into the

middle of the room. 'Youyou are a nice rascal, arn't you?' exclaimed Wardle, breathless with passion.

'My dear Sir, my dear sir,' said the little man, laying his hat on the table, 'pray, considerpray. Defamation

Ayayvery good,' said the little gentleman, 'you may ask that. How dare you, sir?eh, sir?'

'Who the devil are you?' inquired Mr. Jingle, in so fierce a tone, that the little gentleman involuntarily fell

'Who is he, you scoundrel,' interposed Wardle. 'He's my lawyer, Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn. Perker, I'll have

this fellow prosecutedindictedI'llI'llI'll ruin him. And you,' continued Mr. Wardle, turning abruptly

round to his sister'you, Rachael, at a time of life when you ought to know better, what do you mean by

running away with a vagabond, disgracing your family, and making yourself miserable? Get on your bonnet

and come back. Call a hackneycoach there, directly, and bring this lady's bill, d'ye heard'ye hear?'

'Cert'nly, Sir,' replied Sam, who had answered Wardle's violent ringing of the bell with a degree of celerity

which must have appeared marvellous to anybody who didn't know that his eye had been applied to the

'Do nothing of the kind,' said Jingle. 'Leave the room, Sir no business herelady's free to act as she

'More than oneandtwenty!' ejaculated Wardle contemptuously. 'More than oneandforty!'

'I ain't,' said the spinster aunt, her indignation getting the better of her determination to faint.

'A glass of water!' said the passionate Wardle. 'Bring a bucket, and throw it all over her; it'll do her good, and

'Ugh, you brute!' ejaculated the kindhearted landlady. 'Poor dear.' And with sundry ejaculations of 'Come

now, there's a dear drink a little of thisit'll do you gooddon't give way so there's a love,' etc. etc.,

the landlady, assisted by a chambermaid, proceeded to vinegar the forehead, beat the hands, titillate the nose,

and unlace the stays of the spinster aunt, and to administer such other restoratives as are usually applied by

compassionate females to ladies who are endeavouring to ferment themselves into hysterics.

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At this proposition, the hysterics came on with redoubled violence. The landlady was about to enter a very

violent protest against this proceeding, and had already given vent to an indignant inquiry whether Mr.

'I'll not consider,' replied Jingle. 'She's her own mistresssee who dares to take her awayunless she

'I WON'T be taken away,' murmured the spinster aunt. 'I DON'T wish it.' (Here there was a frightful relapse.)

'My dear Sir,' said the little man, in a low tone, taking Mr. Wardle and Mr. Pickwick apart'my dear Sir,

we're in a very awkward situation. It's a distressing casevery; I never knew one more so; but really, my

dear sir, really we have no power to control this lady's actions. I warned you before we came, my dear sir,

'Why, my dear Sir, our friend's in an unpleasant positionvery much so. We must be content to suffer some

'I'll suffer any, rather than submit to this disgrace, and let her, fool as she is, be made miserable for life,' said

'I rather think it can be done,' said the bustling little man. 'Mr. Jingle, will you step with us into the next room

'Now, sir,' said the little man, as he carefully closed the door, 'is there no way of accommodating this

matterstep this way, sir, for a momentinto this window, Sir, where we can be alone there, sir, there,

pray sit down, sir. Now, my dear Sir, between you and I, we know very well, my dear Sir, that you have run

off with this lady for the sake of her money. Don't frown, Sir, don't frown; I say, between you and I, WE

know it. We are both men of the world, and WE know very well that our friends here, are noteh?'

Mr. Jingle's face gradually relaxed; and something distantly resembling a wink quivered for an instant in his

'Very good, very good,' said the little man, observing the impression he had made. 'Now, the fact is, that

beyond a few hundreds, the lady has little or nothing till the death of her motherfine old lady, my dear Sir.'

'Why, yes,' said the attorney, with a slight cough. 'You are right, my dear Sir, she is rather old. She comes of

an old family though, my dear Sir; old in every sense of the word. The founder of that family came into Kent

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when Julius Caesar invaded Britain;only one member of it, since, who hasn't lived to eightyfive, and he

was beheaded by one of the Henrys. The old lady is not seventythree now, my dear Sir.' The little man

'Well, my dear siryou don't take snuff!ah! so much the betterexpensive habitwell, my dear Sir,

you're a fine young man, man of the worldable to push your fortune, if you had capital, eh?'

'Don't you thinknow, my dear Sir, I put it to you don't you thinkthat fifty pounds and liberty would be

'Nay, nay, my dear Sir,' remonstrated the little attorney, seizing him by the button. 'Good round suma man

like you could treble it in no timegreat deal to be done with fifty pounds, my dear Sir.'

'Well, my dear Sir, we won't waste time in splitting straws,' resumed the little man, 'saysayseventy.'

'Don't go away, my dear sirpray don't hurry,' said the little man. 'Eighty; come: I'll write you a cheque at

'Well, my dear Sir, well,' said the little man, still detaining him; 'just tell me what WILL do.'

'Expensive affair,' said Mr. Jingle. 'Money out of pocket posting, nine pounds; licence, threethat's

twelvecompensation, a hundredhundred and twelvebreach of honourand loss of the lady'

'Yes, my dear Sir, yes,' said the little man, with a knowing look, 'never mind the last two items. That's a

'Come, come, I'll write you a cheque,' said the little man; and down he sat at the table for that purpose.

'I'll make it payable the day after tomorrow,' said the little man, with a look towards Mr. Wardle; 'and we

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'And mind,' said Mr. Wardle, 'that nothing should have induced me to make this compromisenot even a

regard for my familyif I had not known that the moment you got any money in that pocket of yours, you'd

'Off directly,' said the unabashed Jingle. 'Bye bye, Pickwick.' If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld

the countenance of the illustrious man, whose name forms the leading feature of the title of this work, during

the latter part of this conversation, he would have been almost induced to wonder that the indignant fire

which flashed from his eyes did not melt the glasses of his spectaclesso majestic was his wrath. His

nostrils dilated, and his fists clenched involuntarily, as he heard himself addressed by the villain. But he

'Here,' continued the hardened traitor, tossing the licence at Mr. Pickwick's feet; 'get the name alteredtake

Mr. Pickwick was a philosopher, but philosophers are only men in armour, after all. The shaft had reached

him, penetrated through his philosophical harness, to his very heart. In the frenzy of his rage, he hurled the

inkstand madly forward, and followed it up himself. But Mr. Jingle had disappeared, and he found himself

'Hollo,' said that eccentric functionary, 'furniter's cheap where you come from, Sir. Selfacting ink, that 'ere;

it's wrote your mark upon the wall, old gen'l'm'n. Hold still, Sir; wot's the use o' runnin' arter a man as has

Mr. Pickwick's mind, like those of all truly great men, was open to conviction. He was a quick and powerful

reasoner; and a moment's reflection sufficed to remind him of the impotency of his rage. It subsided as

quickly as it had been roused. He panted for breath, and looked benignantly round upon his friends.

Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued when Miss Wardle found herself deserted by the faithless Jingle?

Shall we extract Mr. Pickwick's masterly description of that heartrending scene? His notebook, blotted with

the tears of sympathising humanity, lies open before us; one word, and it is in the printer's hands. But, no! we

will be resolute! We will not wring the public bosom, with the delineation of such suffering!

Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the deserted lady return next day in the Muggleton heavy coach.

Dimly and darkly had the sombre shadows of a summer's night fallen upon all around, when they again

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A night of quiet and repose in the profound silence of Dingley Dell, and an hour's breathing of its fresh and

fragrant air on the ensuing morning, completely recovered Mr. Pickwick from the effects of his late fatigue of

body and anxiety of mind. That illustrious man had been separated from his friends and fol lowers for two

whole days; and it was with a degree of pleasure and delight, which no common imagination can adequately

conceive, that he stepped forward to greet Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass, as he encountered those gentlemen

on his return from his early walk. The pleasure was mutual; for who could ever gaze on Mr. Pickwick's

beaming face without experiencing the sensation? But still a cloud seemed to hang over his companions

which that great man could not but be sensible of, and was wholly at a loss to account for. There was a

'And how,' said Mr. Pickwick, when he had grasped his followers by the hand, and exchanged warm

Mr. Winkle, to whom the question was more peculiarly addressed, made no reply. He turned away his head,

'No,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; and a tear trembled on his sentimental eyelid, like a raindrop on a

'WinkleSnodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'what does this mean? Where is our friend? What has happened?

'We can only guess, from that communication,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, taking a letter from his pocket, and

placing it in his friend's hand. 'Yesterday morning, when a letter was received from Mr. Wardle, stating that

you would be home with his sister at night, the melancholy which had hung over our friend during the whole

of the previous day, was observed to increase. He shortly afterwards disappeared: he was missing during the

whole day, and in the evening this letter was brought by the hostler from the Crown, at Muggleton. It had

been left in his charge in the morning, with a strict injunction that it should not be delivered until night.'

Mr. Pickwick opened the epistle. It was in his friend's hand writing, and these were its contents:

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'MY DEAR PICKWICK,YOU, my dear friend, are placed far beyond the reach of many mortal frailties

and weaknesses which ordinary people cannot overcome. You do not know what it is, at one blow, to be

deserted by a lovely and fascinating creature, and to fall a victim to the artifices of a villain, who had the grin

'Any letter addressed to me at the Leather Bottle, Cobham, Kent, will be forwardedsupposing I still exist. I

hasten from the sight of that world, which has become odious to me. Should I hasten from it altogether,

pityforgive me. Life, my dear Pickwick, has become insupportable to me. The spirit which burns within

us, is a porter's knot, on which to rest the heavy load of worldly cares and troubles; and when that spirit fails

us, the burden is too heavy to be borne. We sink beneath it. You may tell RachaelAh, that name!

'We must leave this place directly,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he refolded the note. 'It would not have been decent

for us to remain here, under any circumstances, after what has happened; and now we are bound to follow in

His intention was rapidly communicated. The entreaties to remain were pressing, but Mr. Pickwick was

'Then here,' said the old gentleman, 'is a little manuscript, which I had hoped to have the pleasure of reading

to you myself. I found it on the death of a friend of minea medical man, engaged in our county lunatic

asylumamong a variety of papers, which I had the option of destroying or preserving, as I thought proper. I

can hardly believe that the manuscript is genuine, though it certainly is not in my friend's hand. However,

whether it be the genuine production of a maniac, or founded upon the ravings of some unhappy being (which

Mr. Pickwick received the manuscript, and parted from the benevolent old gentleman with many expressions

It was a more difficult task to take leave of the inmates of Manor Farm, from whom they had received so

much hospitality and kindness. Mr. Pickwick kissed the young ladieswe were going to say, as if they were

his own daughters, only, as he might possibly have infused a little more warmth into the salutation, the

comparison would not be quite appropriatehugged the old lady with filial cordiality; and patted the rosy

cheeks of the female servants in a most patriarchal manner, as he slipped into the hands of each some more

substantial expression of his approval. The exchange of cordialities with their fine old host and Mr. Trundle

was even more hearty and prolonged; and it was not until Mr. Snodgrass had been several times called for,

and at last emerged from a dark passage followed soon after by Emily (whose bright eyes looked unusually

dim), that the three friends were enabled to tear themselves from their friendly entertainers. Many a backward

look they gave at the farm, as they walked slowly away; and many a kiss did Mr. Snodgrass waft in the air, in

acknowledgment of something very like a lady's handkerchief, which was waved from one of the upper

At Muggleton they procured a conveyance to Rochester. By the time they reached the lastnamed place, the

violence of their grief had sufficiently abated to admit of their making a very excellent early dinner; and

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having procured the necessary information relative to the road, the three friends set forward again in the

A delightful walk it was; for it was a pleasant afternoon in June, and their way lay through a deep and shady

wood, cooled by the light wind which gently rustled the thick foliage, and enlivened by the songs of the birds

that perched upon the boughs. The ivy and the moss crept in thick clusters over the old trees, and the soft

green turf overspread the ground like a silken mat. They emerged upon an open park, with an ancient hall,

displaying the quaint and picturesque architecture of Elizabeth's time. Long vistas of stately oaks and elm

trees appeared on every side; large herds of deer were cropping the fresh grass; and occasionally a startled

hare scoured along the ground, with the speed of the shadows thrown by the light clouds which swept across

'If this,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him'if this were the place to which all who are troubled with our

friend's complaint came, I fancy their old attachment to this world would very soon return.'

'And really,' added Mr. Pickwick, after half an hour's walking had brought them to the village, 'really, for a

misanthrope's choice, this is one of the prettiest and most desirable places of residence I ever met with.'

In this opinion also, both Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass expressed their concurrence; and having been

directed to the Leather Bottle, a clean and commodious village alehouse, the three travellers entered, and at

A stout country lad opened a door at the end of the passage, and the three friends entered a long, lowroofed

room, furnished with a large number of highbacked leathercushioned chairs, of fantastic shapes, and

embellished with a great variety of old portraits and roughlycoloured prints of some antiquity. At the upper

end of the room was a table, with a white cloth upon it, well covered with a roast fowl, bacon, ale, and et

ceteras; and at the table sat Mr. Tupman, looking as unlike a man who had taken his leave of the world, as

On the entrance of his friends, that gentleman laid down his knife and fork, and with a mournful air advanced

'I did not expect to see you here,' he said, as he grasped Mr. Pickwick's hand. 'It's very kind.'

'Ah!' said Mr. Pickwick, sitting down, and wiping from his forehead the perspiration which the walk had

engendered. 'Finish your dinner, and walk out with me. I wish to speak to you alone.'

Mr. Tupman did as he was desired; and Mr. Pickwick having refreshed himself with a copious draught of ale,

waited his friend's leisure. The dinner was quickly despatched, and they walked out together.

For half an hour, their forms might have been seen pacing the churchyard to and fro, while Mr. Pickwick was

engaged in combating his companion's resolution. Any repetition of his arguments would be useless; for what

language could convey to them that energy and force which their great originator's manner communicated?

Whether Mr. Tupman was already tired of retirement, or whether he was wholly unable to resist the eloquent

'It mattered little to him,' he said, 'where he dragged out the miserable remainder of his days; and since his

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friend laid so much stress upon his humble companionship, he was willing to share his adventures.'

Mr. Pickwick smiled; they shook hands, and walked back to rejoin their companions.

It was at this moment that Mr. Pickwick made that immortal discovery, which has been the pride and boast of

his friends, and the envy of every antiquarian in this or any other country. They had passed the door of their

inn, and walked a little way down the village, before they recollected the precise spot in which it stood. As

they turned back, Mr. Pickwick's eye fell upon a small broken stone, partially buried in the ground, in front of

'What is strange?' inquired Mr. Tupman, staring eagerly at every object near him, but the right one. 'God bless

This last was an ejaculation of irrepressible astonishment, occasioned by seeing Mr. Pickwick, in his

enthusiasm for discovery, fall on his knees before the little stone, and commence wiping the dust off it with

'I can discern,'continued Mr. Pickwick, rubbing away with all his might, and gazing intently through his

spectacles'I can discern a cross, and a 13, and then a T. This is important,' continued Mr. Pickwick, starting

up. 'This is some very old inscription, existing perhaps long before the ancient almshouses in this place. It

'Do you know how this stone came here, my friend?' inquired the benevolent Mr. Pickwick.

'No, I doan't, Sir,' replied the man civilly. 'It was here long afore I was born, or any on us.'

'Youyouare not particularly attached to it, I dare say,' said Mr. Pickwick, trembling with anxiety. 'You

'Ah! but who'd buy it?' inquired the man, with an expression of face which he probably meant to be very

'I'll give you ten shillings for it, at once,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if you would take it up for me.'

The astonishment of the village may be easily imagined, when (the little stone having been raised with one

wrench of a spade) Mr. Pickwick, by dint of great personal exertion, bore it with his own hands to the inn,

The exultation and joy of the Pickwickians knew no bounds, when their patience and assiduity, their washing

and scraping, were crowned with success. The stone was uneven and broken, and the letters were straggling

and irregular, but the following fragment of an inscription was clearly to be deciphered:

CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S 94

Mr. Pickwick's eyes sparkled with delight, as he sat and gloated over the treasure he had discovered. He had

attained one of the greatest objects of his ambition. In a county known to abound in the remains of the early

ages; in a village in which there still existed some memorials of the olden time, hehe, the chairman of the

Pickwick Clubhad discovered a strange and curious inscription of unquestionable antiquity, which had

wholly escaped the observation of the many learned men who had preceded him. He could hardly trust the

'Tomorrow,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'This treasure must be at once deposited where it can be thoroughly

investigated and properly understood. I have another reason for this step. In a few days, an election is to take

place for the borough of Eatanswill, at which Mr. Perker, a gentleman whom I lately met, is the agent of one

of the candidates. We will behold, and minutely examine, a scene so interesting to every Englishman.'

Mr. Pickwick looked round him. The attachment and fervour of his followers lighted up a glow of enthusiasm

'Let us celebrate this happy meeting with a convivial glass,' said he. This proposition, like the other, was

received with unanimous applause. Having himself deposited the important stone in a small deal box,

purchased from the landlady for the purpose, he placed himself in an armchair, at the head of the table; and

It was past eleven o'clocka late hour for the little village of Cobhamwhen Mr. Pickwick retired to the

bedroom which had been prepared for his reception. He threw open the lattice window, and setting his light

upon the table, fell into a train of meditation on the hurried events of the two preceding days.

The hour and the place were both favourable to contemplation; Mr. Pickwick was roused by the church clock

striking twelve. The first stroke of the hour sounded solemnly in his ear, but when the bell ceased the stillness

seemed insupportablehe almost felt as if he had lost a companion. He was nervous and excited; and hastily

Every one has experienced that disagreeable state of mind, in which a sensation of bodily weariness in vain

contends against an inability to sleep. It was Mr. Pickwick's condition at this moment: he tossed first on one

side and then on the other; and perseveringly closed his eyes as if to coax himself to slumber. It was of no

use. Whether it was the unwonted exertion he had undergone, or the heat, or the brandyandwater, or the

strange bedwhatever it was, his thoughts kept reverting very uncomfortably to the grim pictures

downstairs, and the old stories to which they had given rise in the course of the evening. After half an hour's

CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S 95

tumbling about, he came to the unsatisfactory conclusion, that it was of no use trying to sleep; so he got up

and partially dressed himself. Anything, he thought, was better than lying there fancying all kinds of horrors.

He looked out of the windowit was very dark. He walked about the roomit was very lonely.

He had taken a few turns from the door to the window, and from the window to the door, when the

clergyman's manuscript for the first time entered his head. It was a good thought. if it failed to interest him, it

might send him to sleep. He took it from his coat pocket, and drawing a small table towards his bedside,

trimmed the light, put on his spectacles, and composed himself to read. It was a strange handwriting, and the

paper was much soiled and blotted. The title gave him a sudden start, too; and he could not avoid casting a

wistful glance round the room. Reflecting on the absurdity of giving way to such feelings, however, he

'Yes!a madman's! How that word would have struck to my heart, many years ago! How it would have

roused the terror that used to come upon me sometimes, sending the blood hissing and tingling through my

veins, till the cold dew of fear stood in large drops upon my skin, and my knees knocked together with fright!

I like it now though. It's a fine name. Show me the monarch whose angry frown was ever feared like the glare

of a madman's eyewhose cord and axe were ever half so sure as a madman's gripe. Ho! ho! It's a grand

thing to be mad! to be peeped at like a wild lion through the iron barsto gnash one's teeth and howl,

through the long still night, to the merry ring of a heavy chain and to roll and twine among the straw,

transported with such brave music. Hurrah for the madhouse! Oh, it's a rare place!

'I remember days when I was afraid of being mad; when I used to start from my sleep, and fall upon my

knees, and pray to be spared from the curse of my race; when I rushed from the sight of merriment or

happiness, to hide myself in some lonely place, and spend the weary hours in watching the progress of the

fever that was to consume my brain. I knew that madness was mixed up with my very blood, and the marrow

of my bones! that one generation had passed away without the pestilence appearing among them, and that I

was the first in whom it would revive. I knew it must be so: that so it always had been, and so it ever would

be: and when I cowered in some obscure corner of a crowded room, and saw men whisper, and point, and

turn their eyes towards me, I knew they were telling each other of the doomed madman; and I slunk away

'I did this for years; long, long years they were. The nights here are long sometimesvery long; but they are

nothing to the restless nights, and dreadful dreams I had at that time. It makes me cold to remember them.

Large dusky forms with sly and jeering faces crouched in the corners of the room, and bent over my bed at

night, tempting me to madness. They told me in low whispers, that the floor of the old house in which my

father died, was stained with his own blood, shed by his own hand in raging madness. I drove my fingers into

my ears, but they screamed into my head till the room rang with it, that in one generation before him the

madness slumbered, but that his grandfather had lived for years with his hands fettered to the ground, to

prevent his tearing himself to pieces. I knew they told the truthI knew it well. I had found it out years

before, though they had tried to keep it from me. Ha! ha! I was too cunning for them, madman as they

'At last it came upon me, and I wondered how I could ever have feared it. I could go into the world now, and

laugh and shout with the best among them. I knew I was mad, but they did not even suspect it. How I used to

hug myself with delight, when I thought of the fine trick I was playing them after their old pointing and

leering, when I was not mad, but only dreading that I might one day become so! And how I used to laugh for

joy, when I was alone, and thought how well I kept my secret, and how quickly my kind friends would have

fallen from me, if they had known the truth. I could have screamed with ecstasy when I dined alone with

some fine roaring fellow, to think how pale he would have turned, and how fast he would have run, if he had

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known that the dear friend who sat close to him, sharpening a bright, glittering knife, was a madman with all

the power, and half the will, to plunge it in his heart. Oh, it was a merry life!

'Riches became mine, wealth poured in upon me, and I rioted in pleasures enhanced a thousandfold to me by

the consciousness of my wellkept secret. I inherited an estate. The lawthe eagle eyed law itselfhad

been deceived, and had handed over disputed thousands to a madman's hands. Where was the wit of the

sharp sighted men of sound mind? Where the dexterity of the lawyers, eager to discover a flaw? The

'I had money. How I was courted! I spent it profusely. How I was praised! How those three proud,

overbearing brothers humbled themselves before me! The old, whiteheaded father, toosuch

deferencesuch respectsuch devoted friendship he worshipped me! The old man had a daughter, and

the young men a sister; and all the five were poor. I was rich; and when I married the girl, I saw a smile of

triumph play upon the faces of her needy relatives, as they thought of their wellplanned scheme, and their

fine prize. It was for me to smile. To smile! To laugh outright, and tear my hair, and roll upon the ground

with shrieks of merriment. They little thought they had married her to a madman.

'Stay. If they had known it, would they have saved her? A sister's happiness against her husband's gold. The

lightest feather I blow into the air, against the gay chain that ornaments my body!

'In one thing I was deceived with all my cunning. If I had not been madfor though we madmen are

sharpwitted enough, we get bewildered sometimesI should have known that the girl would rather have

been placed, stiff and cold in a dull leaden coffin, than borne an envied bride to my rich, glittering house. I

should have known that her heart was with the darkeyed boy whose name I once heard her breathe in her

troubled sleep; and that she had been sacrificed to me, to relieve the poverty of the old, whiteheaded man

'I don't remember forms or faces now, but I know the girl was beautiful. I know she was; for in the bright

moonlight nights, when I start up from my sleep, and all is quiet about me, I see, standing still and motionless

in one corner of this cell, a slight and wasted figure with long black hair, which, streaming down her back,

stirs with no earthly wind, and eyes that fix their gaze on me, and never wink or close. Hush! the blood chills

at my heart as I write it downthat form is HERS; the face is very pale, and the eyes are glassy bright; but I

know them well. That figure never moves; it never frowns and mouths as others do, that fill this place

sometimes; but it is much more dreadful to me, even than the spirits that tempted me many years agoit

'For nearly a year I saw that face grow paler; for nearly a year I saw the tears steal down the mournful cheeks,

and never knew the cause. I found it out at last though. They could not keep it from me long. She had never

liked me; I had never thought she did: she despised my wealth, and hated the splendour in which she lived;

but I had not expected that. She loved another. This I had never thought of. Strange feelings came over me,

and thoughts, forced upon me by some secret power, whirled round and round my brain. I did not hate her,

though I hated the boy she still wept for. I pitiedyes, I pitiedthe wretched life to which her cold and

selfish relations had doomed her. I knew that she could not live long; but the thought that before her death she

might give birth to some illfated being, destined to hand down madness to its offspring, determined me. I

'For many weeks I thought of poison, and then of drowning, and then of fire. A fine sight, the grand house in

flames, and the madman's wife smouldering away to cinders. Think of the jest of a large reward, too, and of

some sane man swinging in the wind for a deed he never did, and all through a madman's cunning! I thought

often of this, but I gave it up at last. Oh! the pleasure of stropping the razor day after day, feeling the sharp

edge, and thinking of the gash one stroke of its thin, bright edge would make! 'At last the old spirits who had

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been with me so often before whispered in my ear that the time was come, and thrust the open razor into my

hand. I grasped it firmly, rose softly from the bed, and leaned over my sleeping wife. Her face was buried in

her hands. I withdrew them softly, and they fell listlessly on her bosom. She had been weeping; for the traces

of the tears were still wet upon her cheek. Her face was calm and placid; and even as I looked upon it, a

tranquil smile lighted up her pale features. I laid my hand softly on her shoulder. She startedit was only a

'One motion of my hand, and she would never again have uttered cry or sound. But I was startled, and drew

back. Her eyes were fixed on mine. I knew not how it was, but they cowed and frightened me; and I quailed

beneath them. She rose from the bed, still gazing fixedly and steadily on me. I trembled; the razor was in my

hand, but I could not move. She made towards the door. As she neared it, she turned, and withdrew her eyes

from my face. The spell was broken. I bounded forward, and clutched her by the arm. Uttering shriek upon

'Now I could have killed her without a struggle; but the house was alarmed. I heard the tread of footsteps on

the stairs. I replaced the razor in its usual drawer, unfastened the door, and called loudly for assistance.

'They came, and raised her, and placed her on the bed. She lay bereft of animation for hours; and when life,

look, and speech returned, her senses had deserted her, and she raved wildly and furiously.

'Doctors were called ingreat men who rolled up to my door in easy carriages, with fine horses and gaudy

servants. They were at her bedside for weeks. They had a great meeting and consulted together in low and

solemn voices in another room. One, the cleverest and most celebrated among them, took me aside, and

bidding me prepare for the worst, told meme, the madman! that my wife was mad. He stood close

beside me at an open window, his eyes looking in my face, and his hand laid upon my arm. With one effort, I

could have hurled him into the street beneath. It would have been rare sport to have done it; but my secret

was at stake, and I let him go. A few days after, they told me I must place her under some restraint: I must

provide a keeper for her. I! I went into the open fields where none could hear me, and laughed till the air

'She died next day. The whiteheaded old man followed her to the grave, and the proud brothers dropped a

tear over the insensible corpse of her whose sufferings they had regarded in her lifetime with muscles of iron.

All this was food for my secret mirth, and I laughed behind the white handkerchief which I held up to my

'But though I had carried my object and killed her, I was restless and disturbed, and I felt that before long my

secret must be known. I could not hide the wild mirth and joy which boiled within me, and made me when I

was alone, at home, jump up and beat my hands together, and dance round and round, and roar aloud. When I

went out, and saw the busy crowds hurrying about the streets; or to the theatre, and heard the sound of music,

and beheld the people dancing, I felt such glee, that I could have rushed among them, and torn them to pieces

limb from limb, and howled in transport. But I ground my teeth, and struck my feet upon the floor, and drove

my sharp nails into my hands. I kept it down; and no one knew I was a madman yet.

'I rememberthough it's one of the last things I can remember: for now I mix up realities with my dreams,

and having so much to do, and being always hurried here, have no time to separate the two, from some

strange confusion in which they get involved I remember how I let it out at last. Ha! ha! I think I see their

frightened looks now, and feel the ease with which I flung them from me, and dashed my clenched fist into

their white faces, and then flew like the wind, and left them screaming and shouting far behind. The strength

of a giant comes upon me when I think of it. Theresee how this iron bar bends beneath my furious wrench.

I could snap it like a twig, only there are long galleries here with many doorsI don't think I could find my

way along them; and even if I could, I know there are iron gates below which they keep locked and barred.

CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S 98

They know what a clever madman I have been, and they are proud to have me here, to show.

'Let me see: yes, I had been out. It was late at night when I reached home, and found the proudest of the three

proud brothers waiting to see meurgent business he said: I recollect it well. I hated that man with all a

madman's hate. Many and many a time had my fingers longed to tear him. They told me he was there. I ran

swiftly upstairs. He had a word to say to me. I dismissed the servants. It was late, and we were alone

'I kept my eyes carefully from him at first, for I knew what he little thoughtand I gloried in the

knowledgethat the light of madness gleamed from them like fire. We sat in silence for a few minutes. He

spoke at last. My recent dissipation, and strange remarks, made so soon after his sister's death, were an insult

to her memory. Coupling together many circumstances which had at first escaped his observation, he thought

I had not treated her well. He wished to know whether he was right in inferring that I meant to cast a reproach

upon her memory, and a disrespect upon her family. It was due to the uniform he wore, to demand this

'This man had a commission in the armya commission, purchased with my money, and his sister's misery!

This was the man who had been foremost in the plot to ensnare me, and grasp my wealth. This was the man

who had been the main instrument in forcing his sister to wed me; well knowing that her heart was given to

that puling boy. Due to his uniform! The livery of his degradation! I turned my eyes upon himI could not

'I saw the sudden change that came upon him beneath my gaze. He was a bold man, but the colour faded from

his face, and he drew back his chair. I dragged mine nearer to him; and I laughedI was very merry thenI

'He looked uneasily round him, and I saw his hand grasp the back of his chair; but he said nothing.

'"You villain," said I, "I found you out: I discovered your hellish plots against me; I know her heart was fixed

'He jumped suddenly from his chair, brandished it aloft, and bid me stand backfor I took care to be getting

'I screamed rather than talked, for I felt tumultuous passions eddying through my veins, and the old spirits

'"Damn you," said I, starting up, and rushing upon him; "I killed her. I am a madman. Down with you. Blood,

'I turned aside with one blow the chair he hurled at me in his terror, and closed with him; and with a heavy

crash we rolled upon the floor together. 'It was a fine struggle that; for he was a tall, strong man, fighting for

his life; and I, a powerful madman, thirsting to destroy him. I knew no strength could equal mine, and I was

right. Right again, though a madman! His struggles grew fainter. I knelt upon his chest, and clasped his

brawny throat firmly with both hands. His face grew purple; his eyes were starting from his head, and with

protruded tongue, he seemed to mock me. I squeezed the tighter. 'The door was suddenly burst open with a

loud noise, and a crowd of people rushed forward, crying aloud to each other to secure the madman.

'My secret was out; and my only struggle now was for liberty and freedom. I gained my feet before a hand

CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S 99

was on me, threw myself among my assailants, and cleared my way with my strong arm, as if I bore a hatchet

in my hand, and hewed them down before me. I gained the door, dropped over the banisters, and in an instant

'Straight and swift I ran, and no one dared to stop me. I heard the noise of the feet behind, and redoubled my

speed. It grew fainter and fainter in the distance, and at length died away altogether; but on I bounded,

through marsh and rivulet, over fence and wall, with a wild shout which was taken up by the strange beings

that flocked around me on every side, and swelled the sound, till it pierced the air. I was borne upon the arms

of demons who swept along upon the wind, and bore down bank and hedge before them, and spun me round

and round with a rustle and a speed that made my head swim, until at last they threw me from them with a

violent shock, and I fell heavily upon the earth. When I woke I found myself herehere in this gray cell,

where the sunlight seldom comes, and the moon steals in, in rays which only serve to show the dark shadows

about me, and that silent figure in its old corner. When I lie awake, I can sometimes hear strange shrieks and

cries from distant parts of this large place. What they are, I know not; but they neither come from that pale

form, nor does it regard them. For from the first shades of dusk till the earliest light of morning, it still stands

motionless in the same place, listening to the music of my iron chain, and watching my gambols on my straw

[The unhappy man whose ravings are recorded above, was a melancholy instance of the baneful results of

energies misdirected in early life, and excesses prolonged until their consequences could never be repaired.

The thoughtless riot, dissipation, and debauchery of his younger days produced fever and delirium. The first

effects of the latter was the strange delusion, founded upon a wellknown medical theory, strongly contended

for by some, and as strongly contested by others, that an hereditary madness existed in his family. This

produced a settled gloom, which in time developed a morbid insanity, and finally terminated in raving

madness. There is every reason to believe that the events he detailed, though distorted in the description by

his diseased imagination, really happened. It is only matter of wonder to those who were acquainted with the

vices of his early career, that his passions, when no longer controlled by reason, did not lead him to the

Mr. Pickwick's candle was just expiring in the socket, as he concluded the perusal of the old clergyman's

manuscript; and when the light went suddenly out, without any previous flicker by way of warning, it

communicated a very considerable start to his excited frame. Hastily throwing off such articles of clothing as

he had put on when he rose from his uneasy bed, and casting a fearful glance around, he once more

The sun was shining brilliantly into his chamber, when he awoke, and the morning was far advanced. The

gloom which had oppressed him on the previous night had disappeared with the dark shadows which

shrouded the landscape, and his thoughts and feelings were as light and gay as the morning itself. After a

hearty breakfast, the four gentlemen sallied forth to walk to Gravesend, followed by a man bearing the stone

in its deal box. They reached the town about one o'clock (their luggage they had directed to be forwarded to

the city, from Rochester), and being fortunate enough to secure places on the outside of a coach, arrived in

The next three or four days were occupied with the preparations which were necessary for their journey to the

borough of Eatanswill. As any references to that most important undertaking demands a separate chapter, we

may devote the few lines which remain at the close of this, to narrate, with great brevity, the history of the

It appears from the Transactions of the Club, then, that Mr. Pickwick lectured upon the discovery at a General

CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S 100

Club Meeting, convened on the night succeeding their return, and entered into a variety of ingenious and

erudite speculations on the meaning of the inscription. It also appears that a skilful artist executed a faithful

delineation of the curiosity, which was engraven on stone, and presented to the Royal Antiquarian Society,

and other learned bodies: that heartburnings and jealousies without number were created by rival

controversies which were penned upon the subject; and that Mr. Pickwick himself wrote a pamphlet,

containing ninetysix pages of very small print, and twentyseven different readings of the inscription: that

three old gentlemen cut off their eldest sons with a shilling apiece for presuming to doubt the antiquity of

the fragment; and that one enthusiastic individual cut himself off prematurely, in despair at being unable to

fathom its meaning: that Mr. Pickwick was elected an honorary member of seventeen native and foreign

societies, for making the discovery: that none of the seventeen could make anything of it; but that all the

Mr. Blotton, indeedand the name will be doomed to the undying contempt of those who cultivate the

mysterious and the sublimeMr. Blotton, we say, with the doubt and cavilling peculiar to vulgar minds,

presumed to state a view of the case, as degrading as ridiculous. Mr. Blotton, with a mean desire to tarnish

the lustre of the immortal name of Pickwick, actually undertook a journey to Cobham in person, and on his

return, sarcastically observed in an oration at the club, that he had seen the man from whom the stone was

purchased; that the man presumed the stone to be ancient, but solemnly denied the antiquity of the

inscriptioninasmuch as he represented it to have been rudely carved by himself in an idle mood, and to

display letters intended to bear neither more or less than the simple construction of'BILL STUMPS, HIS

MARK'; and that Mr. Stumps, being little in the habit of original composition, and more accustomed to be

guided by the sound of words than by the strict rules of orthography, had omitted the concluding 'L' of his

The Pickwick Club (as might have been expected from so enlightened an institution) received this statement

with the contempt it deserved, expelled the presumptuous and illconditioned Blotton from the society, and

voted Mr. Pickwick a pair of gold spectacles, in token of their confidence and approbation: in return for

which, Mr. Pickwick caused a portrait of himself to be painted, and hung up in the club room.

Mr. Blotton was ejected but not conquered. He also wrote a pamphlet, addressed to the seventeen learned

societies, native and foreign, containing a repetition of the statement he had already made, and rather more

than half intimating his opinion that the seventeen learned societies were so many 'humbugs.' Hereupon, the

virtuous indignation of the seventeen learned societies being roused, several fresh pamphlets appeared; the

foreign learned societies corresponded with the native learned societies; the native learned societies translated

the pamphlets of the foreign learned societies into English; the foreign learned societies translated the

pamphlets of the native learned societies into all sorts of languages; and thus commenced that celebrated

But this base attempt to injure Mr. Pickwick recoiled upon the head of its calumnious author. The seventeen

learned societies unanimously voted the presumptuous Blotton an ignorant meddler, and forthwith set to

work upon more treatises than ever. And to this day the stone remains, an illegible monument of Mr.

Mr. Pickwick's apartments in Goswell Street, although on a limited scale, were not only of a very neat and

comfortable description, but peculiarly adapted for the residence of a man of his genius and observation. His

sittingroom was the firstfloor front, his bedroom the secondfloor front; and thus, whether he were sitting

CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY 101

at his desk in his parlour, or standing before the dressing glass in his dormitory, he had an equal opportunity

of contemplating human nature in all the numerous phases it exhibits, in that not more populous than popular

thoroughfare. His landlady, Mrs. Bardell the relict and sole executrix of a deceased customhouse

officerwas a comely woman of bustling manners and agreeable appearance, with a natural genius for

cooking, improved by study and long practice, into an exquisite talent. There were no children, no servants,

no fowls. The only other inmates of the house were a large man and a small boy; the first a lodger, the second

a production of Mrs. Bardell's. The large man was always home precisely at ten o'clock at night, at which

hour he regularly condensed himself into the limits of a dwarfish French bedstead in the back parlour; and the

infantine sports and gymnastic exercises of Master Bardell were exclusively confined to the neighbouring

pavements and gutters. Cleanliness and quiet reigned throughout the house; and in it Mr. Pickwick's will was

To any one acquainted with these points of the domestic economy of the establishment, and conversant with

the admirable regulation of Mr. Pickwick's mind, his appearance and behaviour on the morning previous to

that which had been fixed upon for the journey to Eatanswill would have been most mysterious and

unaccountable. He paced the room to and fro with hurried steps, popped his head out of the window at

intervals of about three minutes each, constantly referred to his watch, and exhibited many other

manifestations of impatience very unusual with him. It was evident that something of great importance was in

contemplation, but what that something was, not even Mrs. Bardell had been enabled to discover.

'Mrs. Bardell,' said Mr. Pickwick, at last, as that amiable female approached the termination of a prolonged

'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'very true; so it is.' Mr. Pickwick relapsed into silence, and Mrs. Bardell resumed her

'Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell again. 'Do you think it a much greater expense to keep two people, than to keep one?'

'La, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, colouring up to the very border of her cap, as she fancied she observed

a species of matrimonial twinkle in the eyes of her lodger; 'La, Mr. Pickwick, what a question!'

'That depends,' said Mrs. Bardell, approaching the duster very near to Mr. Pickwick's elbow which was

planted on the table. 'that depends a good deal upon the person, you know, Mr. Pickwick; and whether it's a

'That's very true,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'but the person I have in my eye (here he looked very hard at Mrs.

Bardell) I think possesses these qualities; and has, moreover, a considerable knowledge of the world, and a

'La, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, the crimson rising to her capborder again.

CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY 102

'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing energetic, as was his wont in speaking of a subject which interested

him'I do, indeed; and to tell you the truth, Mrs. Bardell, I have made up my mind.'

'You'll think it very strange now,' said the amiable Mr. Pickwick, with a goodhumoured glance at his

companion, 'that I never consulted you about this matter, and never even mentioned it, till I sent your little

Mrs. Bardell could only reply by a look. She had long worshipped Mr. Pickwick at a distance, but here she

was, all at once, raised to a pinnacle to which her wildest and most extravagant hopes had never dared to

aspire. Mr. Pickwick was going to proposea deliberate plan, toosent her little boy to the Borough, to get

'Oh, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, trembling with agitation, 'you're very kind, sir.'

'It'll save you a good deal of trouble, won't it?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Oh, I never thought anything of the

trouble, sir,' replied Mrs. Bardell; 'and, of course, I should take more trouble to please you then, than ever; but

it is so kind of you, Mr. Pickwick, to have so much consideration for my loneliness.'

'Ah, to be sure,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I never thought of that. When I am in town, you'll always have somebody

'He, too, will have a companion,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'a lively one, who'll teach him, I'll be bound, more

tricks in a week than he would ever learn in a year.' And Mr. Pickwick smiled placidly.

'Oh, you kind, good, playful dear,' said Mrs. Bardell; and without more ado, she rose from her chair, and

flung her arms round Mr. Pickwick's neck, with a cataract of tears and a chorus of sobs.

'Bless my soul,' cried the astonished Mr. Pickwick; 'Mrs. Bardell, my good womandear me, what a

'Oh, let them come,' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell frantically; 'I'll never leave you dear, kind, good soul;' and,

'Mercy upon me,' said Mr. Pickwick, struggling violently, 'I hear somebody coming up the stairs. Don't, don't,

there's a good creature, don't.' But entreaty and remonstrance were alike unavailing; for Mrs. Bardell had

fainted in Mr. Pickwick's arms; and before he could gain time to deposit her on a chair, Master Bardell

CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY 103

Mr. Pickwick was struck motionless and speechless. He stood with his lovely burden in his arms, gazing

vacantly on the countenances of his friends, without the slightest attempt at recognition or explanation. They,

in their turn, stared at him; and Master Bardell, in his turn, stared at everybody.

The astonishment of the Pickwickians was so absorbing, and the perplexity of Mr. Pickwick was so extreme,

that they might have remained in exactly the same relative situations until the suspended animation of the

lady was restored, had it not been for a most beautiful and touching expression of filial affection on the part

of her youthful son. Clad in a tight suit of corduroy, spangled with brass buttons of a very considerable size,

he at first stood at the door astounded and uncertain; but by degrees, the impression that his mother must have

suffered some personal damage pervaded his partially developed mind, and considering Mr. Pickwick as the

aggressor, he set up an appalling and semi earthly kind of howling, and butting forward with his head,

commenced assailing that immortal gentleman about the back and legs, with such blows and pinches as the

'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick pettishly. 'Take away the boy.' (Here Mr. Winkle carried the interesting

boy, screaming and struggling, to the farther end of the apartment.) 'Now help me, lead this woman

'Thank you, sirthank you;' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell hysterically. And downstairs she was led accordingly,

'I cannot conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick when his friend returned'I cannot conceive what has been the matter

with that woman. I had merely announced to her my intention of keeping a manservant, when she fell into

'Very,' was the reply of his followers, as they coughed slightly, and looked dubiously at each other.

This behaviour was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. He remarked their incredulity. They evidently suspected

'It's the man I spoke to you about,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I sent for him to the Borough this morning. Have the

Mr. Snodgrass did as he was desired; and Mr. Samuel Weller forthwith presented himself.

CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY 104

'I should think so,' replied Sam, with a patronising wink. 'Queer start that 'ere, but he was one too many for

'Never mind that matter now,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily; 'I want to speak to you about something else. Sit

'Thank'ee, sir,' said Sam. And down he sat without further bidding, having previously deposited his old white

hat on the landing outside the door. ''Tain't a wery good 'un to look at,' said Sam, 'but it's an astonishin' 'un to

wear; and afore the brim went, it was a wery handsome tile. Hows'ever it's lighter without it, that's one thing,

and every hole lets in some air, that's another wentilation gossamer I calls it.' On the delivery of this

'Now with regard to the matter on which I, with the concurrence of these gentlemen, sent for you,' said Mr.

'That's the pint, sir,' interposed Sam; 'out vith it, as the father said to his child, when he swallowed a farden.'

'We want to know, in the first place,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'whether you have any reason to be discontented

'Afore I answers that 'ere question, gen'l'm'n,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I should like to know, in the first place,

A sunbeam of placid benevolence played on Mr. Pickwick's features as he said, 'I have half made up my mind

'To attend upon me; and travel about with me and these gentlemen here.' 'Take the bill down,' said Sam

'You accept the situation?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. 'Cert'nly,' replied Sam. 'If the clothes fits me half as well as

CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY 105

'I'll get into the clothes this minute, if they're here,' said Sam, with great alacrity.

'Call at eight this evening,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'and if the inquiries are satisfactory, they shall be provided.'

With the single exception of one amiable indiscretion, in which an assistant housemaid had equally

participated, the history of Mr. Weller's conduct was so very blameless, that Mr. Pickwick felt fully justified

in closing the engagement that very evening. With the promptness and energy which characterised not only

the public proceedings, but all the private actions of this extraordinary man, he at once led his new attendant

to one of those convenient emporiums where gentlemen's new and second hand clothes are provided, and

the troublesome and inconvenient formality of measurement dispensed with; and before night had closed in,

Mr. Weller was furnished with a grey coat with the P. C. button, a black hat with a cockade to it, a pink

striped waistcoat, light breeches and gaiters, and a variety of other necessaries, too numerous to recapitulate.

'Well,' said that suddenlytransformed individual, as he took his seat on the outside of the Eatanswill coach

next morning; 'I wonder whether I'm meant to be a footman, or a groom, or a gamekeeper, or a seedsman. I

looks like a sort of compo of every one on 'em. Never mind; there's a change of air, plenty to see, and little to

do; and all this suits my complaint uncommon; so long life to the Pickvicks, says I!'

We will frankly acknowledge that, up to the period of our being first immersed in the voluminous papers of

the Pickwick Club, we had never heard of Eatanswill; we will with equal candour admit that we have in vain

searched for proof of the actual existence of such a place at the present day. Knowing the deep reliance to be

placed on every note and statement of Mr. Pickwick's, and not presuming to set up our recollection against

the recorded declarations of that great man, we have consulted every authority, bearing upon the subject, to

which we could possibly refer. We have traced every name in schedules A and B, without meeting with that

of Eatanswill; we have minutely examined every corner of the pocket county maps issued for the benefit of

society by our distinguished publishers, and the same result has attended our investigation. We are therefore

led to believe that Mr. Pickwick, with that anxious desire to abstain from giving offence to any, and with

those delicate feelings for which all who knew him well know he was so eminently remarkable, purposely

substituted a fictitious designation, for the real name of the place in which his observations were made. We

are confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance, apparently slight and trivial in itself, but when considered

in this point of view, not undeserving of notice. In Mr. Pickwick's notebook, we can just trace an entry of

the fact, that the places of himself and followers were booked by the Norwich coach; but this entry was

afterwards lined through, as if for the purpose of concealing even the direction in which the borough is

situated. We will not, therefore, hazard a guess upon the subject, but will at once proceed with this history,

It appears, then, that the Eatanswill people, like the people of many other small towns, considered themselves

of the utmost and most mighty importance, and that every man in Eatanswill, conscious of the weight that

attached to his example, felt himself bound to unite, heart and soul, with one of the two great parties that

divided the townthe Blues and the Buffs. Now the Blues lost no opportunity of opposing the Buffs, and the

Buffs lost no opportunity of opposing the Blues; and the consequence was, that whenever the Buffs and Blues

met together at public meeting, townhall, fair, or market, disputes and high words arose between them. With

these dissensions it is almost superfluous to say that everything in Eatanswill was made a party question. If

the Buffs proposed to new skylight the marketplace, the Blues got up public meetings, and denounced the

proceeding; if the Blues proposed the erection of an additional pump in the High Street, the Buffs rose as one

man and stood aghast at the enormity. There were Blue shops and Buff shops, Blue inns and Buff

CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIES THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT ANCIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH 106

Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary that each of these powerful parties should have its

chosen organ and representative: and, accordingly, there were two newspapers in the townthe Eatanswill

GAZETTE and the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT; the former advocating Blue principles, and the latter

conducted on grounds decidedly Buff. Fine newspapers they were. Such leading articles, and such spirited

attacks!'Our worthless contemporary, the GAZETTE''That disgraceful and dastardly journal, the

INDEPENDENT''That false and scurrilous print, the INDEPENDENT' 'That vile and slanderous

calumniator, the GAZETTE;' these, and other spiritstirring denunciations, were strewn plentifully over the

columns of each, in every number, and excited feelings of the most intense delight and indignation in the

Mr. Pickwick, with his usual foresight and sagacity, had chosen a peculiarly desirable moment for his visit to

the borough. Never was such a contest known. The Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, was the

Blue candidate; and Horatio Fizkin, Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, had been prevailed upon by his

friends to stand forward on the Buff interest. The GAZETTE warned the electors of Eatanswill that the eyes

not only of England, but of the whole civilised world, were upon them; and the INDEPENDENT

imperatively demanded to know, whether the constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they had

always taken them for, or base and servile tools, undeserving alike of the name of Englishmen and the

It was late in the evening when Mr. Pickwick and his companions, assisted by Sam, dismounted from the roof

of the Eatanswill coach. Large blue silk flags were flying from the windows of the Town Arms Inn, and bills

were posted in every sash, intimating, in gigantic letters, that the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's committee

sat there daily. A crowd of idlers were assembled in the road, looking at a hoarse man in the balcony, who

was apparently talking himself very red in the face in Mr. Slumkey's behalf; but the force and point of whose

arguments were somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four large drums which Mr. Fizkin's

committee had stationed at the street corner. There was a busy little man beside him, though, who took off his

hat at intervals and motioned to the people to cheer, which they regularly did, most enthusiastically; and as

the red faced gentleman went on talking till he was redder in the face than ever, it seemed to answer his

The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted than they were surrounded by a branch mob of the honest and

independent, who forthwith set up three deafening cheers, which being responded to by the main body (for

it's not at all necessary for a crowd to know what they are cheering about), swelled into a tremendous roar of

'One cheer more,' screamed the little fugleman in the balcony, and out shouted the mob again, as if lungs

'Slumkey for ever!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat. 'No Fizkin!' roared the crowd.

'Certainly not!' shouted Mr. Pickwick. 'Hurrah!' And then there was another roaring, like that of a whole

CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIES THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT ANCIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH 107

'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone. 'Hush. Don't ask any questions. It's always best on

They entered the house, the crowd opening right and left to let them pass, and cheering vociferously. The first

'Don't know, Sir,' replied the man; 'afraid we're full, sirI'll inquire, Sir.' Away he went for that purpose, and

As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his companions took any vital interest in the cause of either candidate, the

question was rather a difficult one to answer. In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick bethought himself of his new

'Then WE are Blue,' said Mr. Pickwick; but observing that the man looked rather doubtful at this

accommodating announcement, he gave him his card, and desired him to present it to Mr. Perker forthwith, if

he should happen to be in the house. The waiter retired; and reappearing almost immediately with a request

that Mr. Pickwick would follow him, led the way to a large room on the first floor, where, seated at a long

'Ahah, my dear Sir,' said the little man, advancing to meet him; 'very happy to see you, my dear Sir, very.

Pray sit down. So you have carried your intention into effect. You have come down here to see an

'I'm delighted to hear it,' said Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands. 'I like to see sturdy patriotism, on whatever

'Oh, yes,' said the little man, 'very much so indeed. We have opened all the publichouses in the place, and

left our adversary nothing but the beershopsmasterly stroke of policy that, my dear Sir, eh?' The little man

'And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.

'Why, doubtful, my dear Sir; rather doubtful as yet,' replied the little man. 'Fizkin's people have got

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'In the coachhouse!' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably astonished by this second stroke of policy.

'They keep 'em locked up there till they want 'em,' resumed the little man. 'The effect of that is, you see, to

prevent our getting at them; and even if we could, it would be of no use, for they keep them very drunk on

'We are pretty confident, though,' said Mr. Perker, sinking his voice almost to a whisper. 'We had a little

teaparty here, last nightfiveandforty women, my dear sirand gave every one of 'em a green parasol

'Fact, my dear Sir, fact. Fiveandforty green parasols, at seven and sixpence apiece. All women like

fineryextraordinary the effect of those parasols. Secured all their husbands, and half their brothersbeats

stockings, and flannel, and all that sort of thing hollow. My idea, my dear Sir, entirely. Hail, rain, or sunshine,

you can't walk half a dozen yards up the street, without encountering half a dozen green parasols.'

Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth, which was only checked by the entrance of a third

This was a tall, thin man, with a sandycoloured head inclined to baldness, and a face in which solemn

importance was blended with a look of unfathomable profundity. He was dressed in a long brown surtout,

with a black cloth waistcoat, and drab trousers. A double eyeglass dangled at his waistcoat; and on his head

he wore a very lowcrowned hat with a broad brim. The newcomer was introduced to Mr. Pickwick as Mr.

Pott, the editor of the Eatanswill GAZETTE. After a few preliminary remarks, Mr. Pott turned round to Mr.

'To which I have reason to know,' said Pott, looking towards Mr. Perker for corroboration'to which I have

'But I trust, sir,' said Pott, 'that I have never abused the enormous power I wield. I trust, sir, that I have never

pointed the noble instrument which is placed in my hands, against the sacred bosom of private life, or the

tender breast of individual reputation; I trust, sir, that I have devoted my energies toto endeavours

humble they may be, humble I know they areto instil those principles ofwhichare'

Here the editor of the Eatanswill GAZETTE, appearing to ramble, Mr. Pickwick came to his relief, and

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'And what, Sir,' said Pott'what, Sir, let me ask you as an impartial man, is the state of the public mind in

'Greatly excited, no doubt,' interposed Mr. Perker, with a look of slyness which was very likely accidental.

'The contest,' said Pott, 'shall be prolonged so long as I have health and strength, and that portion of talent

with which I am gifted. From that contest, Sir, although it may unsettle men's minds and excite their feelings,

and render them incapable for the discharge of the everyday duties of ordinary life; from that contest, sir, I

will never shrink, till I have set my heel upon the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT. I wish the people of London,

and the people of this country to know, sir, that they may rely upon me that I will not desert them, that I

am resolved to stand by them, Sir, to the last.' 'Your conduct is most noble, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and he

grasped the hand of the magnanimous Pott. 'You are, sir, I perceive, a man of sense and talent,' said Mr. Pott,

almost breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic declaration. 'I am most happy, sir, to make the

'And I,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'feel deeply honoured by this expression of your opinion. Allow me, sir, to

introduce you to my fellowtravellers, the other corresponding members of the club I am proud to have

Mr. Pickwick withdrew, and returning with his friends, presented them in due form to the editor of the

'Now, my dear Pott,' said little Mr. Perker, 'the question is, what are we to do with our friends here?'

'I have an idea upon this subject,' said Mr. Pott, 'which I think may be very successfully adopted. They have

two beds at the Peacock, and I can boldly say, on behalf of Mrs. Pott, that she will be delighted to

accommodate Mr. Pickwick and any one of his friends, if the other two gentlemen and their servant do not

After repeated pressings on the part of Mr. Pott, and repeated protestations on that of Mr. Pickwick that he

could not think of incommoding or troubling his amiable wife, it was decided that it was the only feasible

arrangement that could be made. So it WAS made; and after dinner together at the Town Arms, the friends

separated, Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass repairing to the Peacock, and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle

proceeding to the mansion of Mr. Pott; it having been previously arranged that they should all reassemble at

the Town Arms in the morning, and accompany the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's procession to the place of

Mr. Pott's domestic circle was limited to himself and his wife. All men whom mighty genius has raised to a

proud eminence in the world, have usually some little weakness which appears the more conspicuous from

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the contrast it presents to their general character. If Mr. Pott had a weakness, it was, perhaps, that he was

rather too submissive to the somewhat contemptuous control and sway of his wife. We do not feel justified in

laying any particular stress upon the fact, because on the present occasion all Mrs. Pott's most winning ways

Mrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick's paternal grasp of the hand with enchanting sweetness; and Mr. Winkle,

who had not been announced at all, sidled and bowed, unnoticed, in an obscure corner.

'We owe you many apologies, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'for disturbing your domestic arrangements at so

'I beg you won't mention it, sir,' replied the feminine Pott, with vivacity. 'It is a high treat to me, I assure you,

to see any new faces; living as I do, from day to day, and week to week, in this dull place, and seeing

'You see, Mr. Pickwick,' said the host in explanation of his wife's lament, 'that we are in some measure cut off

from many enjoyments and pleasures of which we might otherwise partake. My public station, as editor of

the Eatanswill GAZETTE, the position which that paper holds in the country, my constant immersion in the

'I wish, my dear, you would endeavour to find some topic of conversation in which these gentlemen might

'But, my love,' said Mr. Pott, with great humility, 'Mr. Pickwick does take an interest in it.'

'It's well for him if he can,' said Mrs. Pott emphatically; 'I am wearied out of my life with your politics, and

quarrels with the INDEPENDENT, and nonsense. I am quite astonished, P., at your making such an

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'Well, then, draw that little table into this window, and let me get out of hearing of those prosy politics.'

'Jane,' said Mr. Pott, to the servant who brought in candles, 'go down into the office, and bring me up the file

of the GAZETTE for eighteen hundred and twentysix. I'll read you,' added the editor, turning to Mr.

Pickwick'I'll just read you a few of the leaders I wrote at that time upon the Buff job of appointing a new

We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr. Pickwick's notebook, in the hope of meeting with a general

summary of these beautiful compositions. We have every reason to believe that he was perfectly enraptured

with the vigour and freshness of the style; indeed Mr. Winkle has recorded the fact that his eyes were closed,

The announcement of supper put a stop both to the game of ecarte, and the recapitulation of the beauties of

the Eatanswill GAZETTE. Mrs. Pott was in the highest spirits and the most agreeable humour. Mr. Winkle

had already made considerable progress in her good opinion, and she did not hesitate to inform him,

confidentially, that Mr. Pickwick was 'a delightful old dear.' These terms convey a familiarity of expression,

in which few of those who were intimately acquainted with that colossalminded man, would have presumed

to indulge. We have preserved them, nevertheless, as affording at once a touching and a convincing proof of

the estimation in which he was held by every class of society, and the case with which he made his way to

It was a late hour of the nightlong after Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had fallen asleep in the inmost

recesses of the Peacockwhen the two friends retired to rest. Slumber soon fell upon the senses of Mr.

Winkle, but his feelings had been excited, and his admiration roused; and for many hours after sleep had

rendered him insensible to earthly objects, the face and figure of the agreeable Mrs. Pott presented

The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning were sufficient to dispel from the mind of the most

romantic visionary in existence, any associations but those which were immediately connected with the

rapidlyapproaching election. The beating of drums, the blowing of horns and trumpets, the shouting of men,

and tramping of horses, echoed and reechoed through the streets from the earliest dawn of day; and an

occasional fight between the light skirmishers of either party at once enlivened the preparations, and

agreeably diversified their character. 'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as his valet appeared at his bedroom

'Reg'lar game, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'our people's acollecting down at the Town Arms, and they're

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'Uncommon,' replied Sam; 'I never see men eat and drink so much afore. I wonder they ain't afeer'd o' bustin'.'

'Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem,' said Mr. Pickwick, glancing from the window.

'Wery fresh,' replied Sam; 'me and the two waiters at the Peacock has been apumpin' over the independent

'Yes,' said his attendant, 'every man slept vere he fell down; we dragged 'em out, one by one, this mornin',

and put 'em under the pump, and they're in reg'lar fine order now. Shillin' a head the committee paid for that

'Lord bless your heart, sir,' said Sam, 'why where was you half baptised?that's nothin', that ain't.'

'Nothing?'said Mr. Pickwick. 'Nothin' at all, Sir,' replied his attendant. 'The night afore the last day o' the last

election here, the opposite party bribed the barmaid at the Town Arms, to hocus the brandyandwater of

'Puttin' laud'num in it,' replied Sam. 'Blessed if she didn't send 'em all to sleep till twelve hours arter the

election was over. They took one man up to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by way of experiment, but it

was no gothey wouldn't poll him; so they brought him back, and put him to bed again.' 'Strange practices,

'Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my own father, at an election time, in this

'Why, he drove a coach down here once,' said Sam; ''lection time came on, and he was engaged by vun party

to bring down woters from London. Night afore he was going to drive up, committee on t' other side sends for

him quietly, and away he goes vith the messenger, who shows him in;large roomlots of

gen'l'm'nheaps of papers, pens and ink, and all that 'ere. "Ah, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n in the chair,

"glad to see you, sir; how are you?""Wery well, thank 'ee, Sir," says my father; "I hope you're pretty

middlin," says he."Pretty well, thank'ee, Sir," says the gen'l'm'n; "sit down, Mr. Wellerpray sit down,

sir." So my father sits down, and he and the gen'l'm'n looks wery hard at each other. "You don't remember

me?" said the gen'l'm'n."Can't say I do," says my father."Oh, I know you," says the gen'l'm'n: "know'd

you when you was a boy," says he."Well, I don't remember you," says my father. "That's wery odd,"

says the gen'l'm'n.""Wery," says my father."You must have a bad mem'ry, Mr. Weller," says the

gen'l'm'n."Well, it is a wery bad 'un," says my father."I thought so," says the gen'l'm'n. So then they

pours him out a glass of wine, and gammons him about his driving, and gets him into a reg'lar good humour,

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and at last shoves a twentypound note into his hand. "It's a wery bad road between this and London," says

the gen'l'm'n."Here and there it is a heavy road," says my father." 'Specially near the canal, I think," says

the gen'l'm'n."Nasty bit that 'ere," says my father. "Well, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n, "you're a wery

good whip, and can do what you like with your horses, we know. We're all wery fond o' you, Mr. Weller, so

in case you should have an accident when you're bringing these here woters down, and should tip 'em over

into the canal vithout hurtin' of 'em, this is for yourself," says he."Gen'l'm'n, you're wery kind," says my

father, "and I'll drink your health in another glass of wine," says he; vich he did, and then buttons up the

money, and bows himself out. You wouldn't believe, sir,' continued Sam, with a look of inexpressible

impudence at his master, 'that on the wery day as he came down with them woters, his coach WAS upset on

'Why,' replied Sam very slowly, 'I rather think one old gen'l'm'n was missin'; I know his hat was found, but I

ain't quite certain whether his head was in it or not. But what I look at is the hextraordinary and wonderful

coincidence, that arter what that gen'l'm'n said, my father's coach should be upset in that wery place, and on

'it is, no doubt, a very extraordinary circumstance indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'But brush my hat, Sam, for I

With these words Mr. Pickwick descended to the parlour, where he found breakfast laid, and the family

already assembled. The meal was hastily despatched; each of the gentlemen's hats was decorated with an

enormous blue favour, made up by the fair hands of Mrs. Pott herself; and as Mr. Winkle had undertaken to

escort that lady to a housetop, in the immediate vicinity of the hustings, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Pott repaired

alone to the Town Arms, from the back window of which, one of Mr. Slumkey's committee was addressing

six small boys and one girl, whom he dignified, at every second sentence, with the imposing title of 'Men of

The stableyard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory and strength of the Eatanswill Blues. There

was a regular army of blue flags, some with one handle, and some with two, exhibiting appropriate devices,

in golden characters four feet high, and stout in proportion. There was a grand band of trumpets, bassoons,

and drums, marshalled four abreast, and earning their money, if ever men did, especially the drumbeaters,

who were very muscular. There were bodies of constables with blue staves, twenty committeemen with blue

scarfs, and a mob of voters with blue cockades. There were electors on horseback and electors afoot. There

was an open carriageandfour, for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey; and there were four carriageand

pair, for his friends and supporters; and the flags were rustling, and the band was playing, and the constables

were swearing, and the twenty committeemen were squabbling, and the mob were shouting, and the horses

were backing, and the postboys perspiring; and everybody, and everything, then and there assembled, was

for the special use, behoof, honour, and renown, of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, one of

the candidates for the representation of the borough of Eatanswill, in the Commons House of Parliament of

the United Kingdom. Loud and long were the cheers, and mighty was the rustling of one of the blue flags,

with 'Liberty of the Press' inscribed thereon, when the sandy head of Mr. Pott was discerned in one of the

windows, by the mob beneath; and tremendous was the enthusiasm when the Honourable Samuel Slumkey

himself, in topboots, and a blue neckerchief, advanced and seized the hand of the said Pott, and

melodramatically testified by gestures to the crowd, his ineffaceable obligations to the Eatanswill GAZETTE.

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'Nothing has been left undone, my dear sirnothing whatever. There are twenty washed men at the street

door for you to shake hands with; and six children in arms that you're to pat on the head, and inquire the age

of; be particular about the children, my dear sirit has always a great effect, that sort of thing.'

'And, perhaps, my dear Sir,' said the cautious little man, 'perhaps if you couldI don't mean to say it's

indispensable but if you could manage to kiss one of 'em, it would produce a very great impression on the

'Wouldn't it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder did that?' said the Honourable Samuel

'Why, I am afraid it wouldn't,' replied the agent; 'if it were done by yourself, my dear Sir, I think it would

'Very well,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with a resigned air, 'then it must be done. That's all.'

Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng, the band, and the constables, and the committeemen, and the

voters, and the horsemen, and the carriages, took their placeseach of the two horse vehicles being closely

packed with as many gentlemen as could manage to stand upright in it; and that assigned to Mr. Perker,

containing Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and about half a dozen of the committee besides.

There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession waited for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to step

'He has come out,' said little Mr. Perker, greatly excited; the more so as their position did not enable them to

'He has patted the babies on the head,' said Mr. Perker, trembling with anxiety.

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'He's kissing 'em all!' screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman, and hailed by the deafening shouts of the

How or by what means it became mixed up with the other procession, and how it was ever extricated from

the confusion consequent thereupon, is more than we can undertake to describe, inasmuch as Mr. Pickwick's

hat was knocked over his eyes, nose, and mouth, by one poke of a Buff flagstaff, very early in the

proceedings. He describes himself as being surrounded on every side, when he could catch a glimpse of the

scene, by angry and ferocious countenances, by a vast cloud of dust, and by a dense crowd of combatants. He

represents himself as being forced from the carriage by some unseen power, and being personally engaged in

a pugilistic encounter; but with whom, or how, or why, he is wholly unable to state. He then felt himself

forced up some wooden steps by the persons from behind; and on removing his hat, found himself

surrounded by his friends, in the very front of the left hand side of the hustings. The right was reserved for the

Buff party, and the centre for the mayor and his officers; one of whomthe fat crier of Eatanswillwas

ringing an enormous bell, by way of commanding silence, while Mr. Horatio Fizkin, and the Honourable

Samuel Slumkey, with their hands upon their hearts, were bowing with the utmost affability to the troubled

sea of heads that inundated the open space in front; and from whence arose a storm of groans, and shouts, and

'Where!' said Mr. Pickwick, putting on his spectacles, which he had fortunately kept in his pocket hitherto.

'There,' said Mr. Tupman, 'on the top of that house.' And there, sure enough, in the leaden gutter of a tiled

roof, were Mr. Winkle and Mrs. Pott, comfortably seated in a couple of chairs, waving their handkerchiefs in

token of recognitiona compliment which Mr. Pickwick returned by kissing his hand to the lady.

The proceedings had not yet commenced; and as an inactive crowd is generally disposed to be jocose, this

'Oh, you wicked old rascal,' cried one voice, 'looking arter the girls, are you?'

'Look arter your wife, Pott,' bellowed a fifthand then there was a roar of laughter.

As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons between Mr. Pickwick and an aged ram, and

several witticisms of the like nature; and as they moreover rather tended to convey reflections upon the

honour of an innocent lady, Mr. Pickwick's indignation was excessive; but as silence was proclaimed at the

moment, he contented himself by scorching the mob with a look of pity for their misguided minds, at which

'Whiffin, proclaim silence,' said the mayor, with an air of pomp befitting his lofty station. In obedience to this

command the crier performed another concerto on the bell, whereupon a gentleman in the crowd called out

'Gentlemen,' said the mayor, at as loud a pitch as he could possibly force his voice to'gentlemen. Brother

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electors of the borough of Eatanswill. We are met here today for the purpose of choosing a representative in

'Success to the mayor!' cried the voice, 'and may he never desert the nail and sarspan business, as he got his

This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was received with a storm of delight, which, with a

bellaccompaniment, rendered the remainder of his speech inaudible, with the exception of the concluding

sentence, in which he thanked the meeting for the patient attention with which they heard him

throughoutan expression of gratitude which elicited another burst of mirth, of about a quarter of an hour's

Next, a tall, thin gentleman, in a very stiff white neckerchief, after being repeatedly desired by the crowd to

'send a boy home, to ask whether he hadn't left his voice under the pillow,' begged to nominate a fit and

proper person to represent them in Parliament. And when he said it was Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin

Lodge, near Eatanswill, the Fizkinites applauded, and the Slumkeyites groaned, so long, and so loudly, that

both he and the seconder might have sung comic songs in lieu of speaking, without anybody's being a bit the

The friends of Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, having had their innings, a little choleric, pinkfaced man stood

forward to propose another fit and proper person to represent the electors of Eatanswill in Parliament; and

very swimmingly the pinkfaced gentleman would have got on, if he had not been rather too choleric to

entertain a sufficient perception of the fun of the crowd. But after a very few sentences of figurative

eloquence, the pinkfaced gentleman got from denouncing those who interrupted him in the mob, to

exchanging defiances with the gentlemen on the hustings; whereupon arose an uproar which reduced him to

the necessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime, which he did, and then left the stage to his

seconder, who delivered a written speech of half an hour's length, and wouldn't be stopped, because he had

sent it all to the Eatanswill GAZETTE, and the Eatanswill GAZETTE had already printed it, every word.

Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, presented himself for the purpose of

addressing the electors; which he no sooner did, than the band employed by the Honourable Samuel

Slumkey, commenced performing with a power to which their strength in the morning was a trifle; in return

for which, the Buff crowd belaboured the heads and shoulders of the Blue crowd; on which the Blue crowd

endeavoured to dispossess themselves of their very unpleasant neighbours the Buff crowd; and a scene of

struggling, and pushing, and fighting, succeeded, to which we can no more do justice than the mayor could,

although he issued imperative orders to twelve constables to seize the ringleaders, who might amount in

number to two hundred and fifty, or thereabouts. At all these encounters, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin

Lodge, and his friends, waxed fierce and furious; until at last Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge,

begged to ask his opponent, the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, whether that band played by

his consent; which question the Honourable Samuel Slumkey declining to answer, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of

Fizkin Lodge, shook his fist in the countenance of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall; upon

which the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, his blood being up, defied Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, to mortal

combat. At this violation of all known rules and precedents of order, the mayor commanded another fantasia

on the bell, and declared that he would bring before himself, both Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge,

and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, and bind them over to keep the peace. Upon this

terrific denunciation, the supporters of the two candidates interfered, and after the friends of each party had

quarrelled in pairs, for threequarters of an hour, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, touched his hat to the Honourable

Samuel Slumkey; the Honourable Samuel Slumkey touched his to Horatio Fizkin, Esquire; the band was

stopped; the crowd were partially quieted; and Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, was permitted to proceed.

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The speeches of the two candidates, though differing in every other respect, afforded a beautiful tribute to the

merit and high worth of the electors of Eatanswill. Both expressed their opinion that a more independent, a

more enlightened, a more public spirited, a more nobleminded, a more disinterested set of men than those

who had promised to vote for him, never existed on earth; each darkly hinted his suspicions that the electors

in the opposite interest had certain swinish and besotted infirmities which rendered them unfit for the exercise

of the important duties they were called upon to discharge. Fizkin expressed his readiness to do anything he

was wanted: Slumkey, his determination to do nothing that was asked of him. Both said that the trade, the

manufactures, the commerce, the prosperity of Eatanswill, would ever be dearer to their hearts than any

earthly object; and each had it in his power to state, with the utmost confidence, that he was the man who

There was a show of hands; the mayor decided in favour of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey

Hall. Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, demanded a poll, and a poll was fixed accordingly. Then a

vote of thanks was moved to the mayor for his able conduct in the chair; and the mayor, devoutly wishing

that he had had a chair to display his able conduct in (for he had been standing during the whole

proceedings), returned thanks. The processions reformed, the carriages rolled slowly through the crowd, and

its members screeched and shouted after them as their feelings or caprice dictated.

During the whole time of the polling, the town was in a perpetual fever of excitement. Everything was

conducted on the most liberal and delightful scale. Excisable articles were remarkably cheap at all the

publichouses; and spring vans paraded the streets for the accommodation of voters who were seized with

any temporary dizziness in the headan epidemic which prevailed among the electors, during the contest, to

a most alarming extent, and under the influence of which they might frequently be seen lying on the

pavements in a state of utter insensibility. A small body of electors remained unpolled on the very last day.

They were calculating and reflecting persons, who had not yet been convinced by the arguments of either

party, although they had frequent conferences with each. One hour before the close of the poll, Mr. Perker

solicited the honour of a private interview with these intelligent, these noble, these patriotic men. it was

granted. His arguments were brief but satisfactory. They went in a body to the poll; and when they returned,

It is pleasant to turn from contemplating the strife and turmoil of political existence, to the peaceful repose of

private life. Although in reality no great partisan of either side, Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently fired with Mr.

Pott's enthusiasm, to apply his whole time and attention to the proceedings, of which the last chapter affords a

description compiled from his own memoranda. Nor while he was thus occupied was Mr. Winkle idle, his

whole time being devoted to pleasant walks and short country excursions with Mrs. Pott, who never failed,

when such an opportunity presented itself, to seek some relief from the tedious monotony she so constantly

complained of. The two gentlemen being thus completely domesticated in the editor's house, Mr. Tupman

and Mr. Snodgrass were in a great measure cast upon their own resources. Taking but little interest in public

affairs, they beguiled their time chiefly with such amusements as the Peacock afforded, which were limited to

a bagatelleboard in the first floor, and a sequestered skittleground in the back yard. In the science and

nicety of both these recreations, which are far more abstruse than ordinary men suppose, they were gradually

initiated by Mr. Weller, who possessed a perfect knowledge of such pastimes. Thus, notwithstanding that

they were in a great measure deprived of the comfort and advantage of Mr. Pickwick's society, they were still

It was in the evening, however, that the Peacock presented attractions which enabled the two friends to resist

even the invitations of the gifted, though prosy, Pott. It was in the evening that the 'commercial room' was

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filled with a social circle, whose characters and manners it was the delight of Mr. Tupman to observe; whose

Most people know what sort of places commercial rooms usually are. That of the Peacock differed in no

material respect from the generality of such apartments; that is to say, it was a large, barelooking room, the

furniture of which had no doubt been better when it was newer, with a spacious table in the centre, and a

variety of smaller dittos in the corners; an extensive assortment of variously shaped chairs, and an old Turkey

carpet, bearing about the same relative proportion to the size of the room, as a lady's pockethandkerchief

might to the floor of a watchbox. The walls were garnished with one or two large maps; and several

weatherbeaten rough greatcoats, with complicated capes, dangled from a long row of pegs in one corner.

The mantelshelf was ornamented with a wooden inkstand, containing one stump of a pen and half a wafer; a

road book and directory; a county history minus the cover; and the mortal remains of a trout in a glass

coffin. The atmosphere was redolent of tobaccosmoke, the fumes of which had communicated a rather

dingy hue to the whole room, and more especially to the dusty red curtains which shaded the windows. On

the sideboard a variety of miscellaneous articles were huddled together, the most conspicuous of which were

some very cloudy fishsauce cruets, a couple of drivingboxes, two or three whips, and as many travelling

Here it was that Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were seated on the evening after the conclusion of the

election, with several other temporary inmates of the house, smoking and drinking.

'Well, gents,' said a stout, hale personage of about forty, with only one eyea very bright black eye, which

twinkled with a roguish expression of fun and goodhumour, 'our noble selves, gents. I always propose that

'Get along with you, you wretch,' said the handmaiden, obviously not illpleased with the compliment,

'Never mind,' said the oneeyed man, calling after the girl as she left the room. 'I'll step out by and by, Mary.

Keep your spirits up, dear.' Here he went through the not very difficult process of winking upon the company

with his solitary eye, to the enthusiastic delight of an elderly personage with a dirty face and a clay pipe.

'There's rummer things than women in this world though, mind you,' said the man with the black eye, slowly

'I thought not.' Here the dirtyfaced man fell into ecstasies of mirth at his own retort, in which he was joined

by a man of bland voice and placid countenance, who always made it a point to agree with everybody.

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 119

'Women, after all, gentlemen,' said the enthusiastic Mr. Snodgrass, 'are the great props and comforts of our

'I repudiate that qualification,' said Mr. Snodgrass, whose thoughts were fast reverting to Emily Wardle. 'I

repudiate it with disdainwith indignation. Show me the man who says anything against women, as women,

and I boldly declare he is not a man.' And Mr. Snodgrass took his cigar from his mouth, and struck the table

'And there's certainly a very great deal of truth in what you observe too, Sir,' said the placid gentleman.

'Your health, Sir,' said the bagman with the lonely eye, bestowing an approving nod on Mr. Snodgrass.

'I always like to hear a good argument,'continued the bagman, 'a sharp one, like this: it's very improving; but

this little argument about women brought to my mind a story I have heard an old uncle of mine tell, the

recollection of which, just now, made me say there were rummer things than women to be met with,

'Should you?' was the only reply of the bagman, who continued to smoke with great vehemence.

'So should I,' said Mr. Tupman, speaking for the first time. He was always anxious to increase his stock of

'Should YOU? Well then, I'll tell it. No, I won't. I know you won't believe it,' said the man with the roguish

eye, making that organ look more roguish than ever. 'If you say it's true, of course I shall,' said Mr. Tupman.

'Well, upon that understanding I'll tell you,' replied the traveller. 'Did you ever hear of the great commercial

house of Bilson Slum? But it doesn't matter though, whether you did or not, because they retired from

business long since. It's eighty years ago, since the circumstance happened to a traveller for that house, but he

was a particular friend of my uncle's; and my uncle told the story to me. It's a queer name; but he used to call

'One winter's evening, about five o'clock, just as it began to grow dusk, a man in a gig might have been seen

urging his tired horse along the road which leads across Marlborough Downs, in the direction of Bristol. I say

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 120

he might have been seen, and I have no doubt he would have been, if anybody but a blind man had happened

to pass that way; but the weather was so bad, and the night so cold and wet, that nothing was out but the

water, and so the traveller jogged along in the middle of the road, lonesome and dreary enough. If any

bagman of that day could have caught sight of the little neckornothing sort of gig, with a clay coloured

body and red wheels, and the vixenish, ill tempered, fastgoing bay mare, that looked like a cross between a

butcher's horse and a twopenny postoffice pony, he would have known at once, that this traveller could have

been no other than Tom Smart, of the great house of Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, City. However, as

there was no bagman to look on, nobody knew anything at all about the matter; and so Tom Smart and his

claycoloured gig with the red wheels, and the vixenish mare with the fast pace, went on together, keeping

'There are many pleasanter places even in this dreary world, than Marlborough Downs when it blows hard;

and if you throw in beside, a gloomy winter's evening, a miry and sloppy road, and a pelting fall of heavy

rain, and try the effect, by way of experiment, in your own proper person, you will experience the full force

'The wind blewnot up the road or down it, though that's bad enough, but sheer across it, sending the rain

slanting down like the lines they used to rule in the copybooks at school, to make the boys slope well. For a

moment it would die away, and the traveller would begin to delude himself into the belief that, exhausted

with its previous fury, it had quietly laid itself down to rest, when, whoo! he could hear it growling and

whistling in the distance, and on it would come rushing over the hilltops, and sweeping along the plain,

gathering sound and strength as it drew nearer, until it dashed with a heavy gust against horse and man,

driving the sharp rain into their ears, and its cold damp breath into their very bones; and past them it would

scour, far, far away, with a stunning roar, as if in ridicule of their weakness, and triumphant in the

'The bay mare splashed away, through the mud and water, with drooping ears; now and then tossing her head

as if to express her disgust at this very ungentlemanly behaviour of the elements, but keeping a good pace

notwithstanding, until a gust of wind, more furious than any that had yet assailed them, caused her to stop

suddenly and plant her four feet firmly against the ground, to prevent her being blown over. It's a special

mercy that she did this, for if she HAD been blown over, the vixenish mare was so light, and the gig was so

light, and Tom Smart such a light weight into the bargain, that they must infallibly have all gone rolling over

and over together, until they reached the confines of earth, or until the wind fell; and in either case the

probability is, that neither the vixenish mare, nor the clay coloured gig with the red wheels, nor Tom Smart,

'"Well, damn my straps and whiskers," says Tom Smart (Tom sometimes had an unpleasant knack of

swearing) "damn my straps and whiskers," says Tom, "if this ain't pleasant, blow me!"

'You'll very likely ask me why, as Tom Smart had been pretty well blown already, he expressed this wish to

be submitted to the same process again. I can't sayall I know is, that Tom Smart said soor at least he

"'Blow me," says Tom Smart; and the mare neighed as if she were precisely of the same opinion.

"'Cheer up, old girl," said Tom, patting the bay mare on the neck with the end of his whip. "It won't do

pushing on, such a night as this; the first house we come to we'll put up at, so the faster you go the sooner it's

'Whether the vixenish mare was sufficiently well acquainted with the tones of Tom's voice to comprehend his

meaning, or whether she found it colder standing still than moving on, of course I can't say. But I can say that

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Tom had no sooner finished speaking, than she pricked up her ears, and started forward at a speed which

made the claycoloured gig rattle until you would have supposed every one of the red spokes were going to

fly out on the turf of Marlborough Downs; and even Tom, whip as he was, couldn't stop or check her pace,

until she drew up of her own accord, before a roadside inn on the righthand side of the way, about half a

quarter of a mile from the end of the Downs. 'Tom cast a hasty glance at the upper part of the house as he

threw the reins to the hostler, and stuck the whip in the box. It was a strange old place, built of a kind of

shingle, inlaid, as it were, with crossbeams, with gabledtopped windows projecting completely over the

pathway, and a low door with a dark porch, and a couple of steep steps leading down into the house, instead

of the modern fashion of half a dozen shallow ones leading up to it. It was a comfortablelooking place

though, for there was a strong, cheerful light in the bar window, which shed a bright ray across the road, and

even lighted up the hedge on the other side; and there was a red flickering light in the opposite window, one

moment but faintly discernible, and the next gleaming strongly through the drawn curtains, which intimated

that a rousing fire was blazing within. Marking these little evidences with the eye of an experienced traveller,

Tom dismounted with as much agility as his halffrozen limbs would permit, and entered the house.

'In less than five minutes' time, Tom was ensconced in the room opposite the barthe very room where he

had imagined the fire blazingbefore a substantial, matteroffact, roaring fire, composed of something

short of a bushel of coals, and wood enough to make half a dozen decent gooseberry bushes, piled halfway

up the chimney, and roaring and crackling with a sound that of itself would have warmed the heart of any

reasonable man. This was comfortable, but this was not all; for a smartlydressed girl, with a bright eye and a

neat ankle, was laying a very clean white cloth on the table; and as Tom sat with his slippered feet on the

fender, and his back to the open door, he saw a charming prospect of the bar reflected in the glass over the

chimneypiece, with delightful rows of green bottles and gold labels, together with jars of pickles and

preserves, and cheeses and boiled hams, and rounds of beef, arranged on shelves in the most tempting and

delicious array. Well, this was comfortable too; but even this was not allfor in the bar, seated at tea at the

nicest possible little table, drawn close up before the brightest possible little fire, was a buxom widow of

somewhere about eightandforty or thereabouts, with a face as comfortable as the bar, who was evidently

the landlady of the house, and the supreme ruler over all these agreeable possessions. There was only one

drawback to the beauty of the whole picture, and that was a tall mana very tall manin a brown coat and

bright basket buttons, and black whiskers and wavy black hair, who was seated at tea with the widow, and

who it required no great penetration to discover was in a fair way of persuading her to be a widow no longer,

but to confer upon him the privilege of sitting down in that bar, for and during the whole remainder of the

'Tom Smart was by no means of an irritable or envious disposition, but somehow or other the tall man with

the brown coat and the bright basket buttons did rouse what little gall he had in his composition, and did

make him feel extremely indignant, the more especially as he could now and then observe, from his seat

before the glass, certain little affectionate familiarities passing between the tall man and the widow, which

sufficiently denoted that the tall man was as high in favour as he was in size. Tom was fond of hot punchI

may venture to say he was VERY fond of hot punchand after he had seen the vixenish mare well fed and

well littered down, and had eaten every bit of the nice little hot dinner which the widow tossed up for him

with her own hands, he just ordered a tumbler of it by way of experiment. Now, if there was one thing in the

whole range of domestic art, which the widow could manufacture better than another, it was this identical

article; and the first tumbler was adapted to Tom Smart's taste with such peculiar nicety, that he ordered a

second with the least possible delay. Hot punch is a pleasant thing, gentlemenan extremely pleasant thing

under any circumstances but in that snug old parlour, before the roaring fire, with the wind blowing

outside till every timber in the old house creaked again, Tom Smart found it perfectly delightful. He ordered

another tumbler, and then anotherI am not quite certain whether he didn't order another after thatbut the

'"Confound his impudence!" said Tom to himself, "what business has he in that snug bar? Such an ugly

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 122

villain too!" said Tom. "If the widow had any taste, she might surely pick up some better fellow than that."

Here Tom's eye wandered from the glass on the chimneypiece to the glass on the table; and as he felt

himself becoming gradually sentimental, he emptied the fourth tumbler of punch and ordered a fifth.

'Tom Smart, gentlemen, had always been very much attached to the public line. It had been long his ambition

to stand in a bar of his own, in a green coat, kneecords, and tops. He had a great notion of taking the chair at

convivial dinners, and he had often thought how well he could preside in a room of his own in the talking

way, and what a capital example he could set to his customers in the drinking department. All these things

passed rapidly through Tom's mind as he sat drinking the hot punch by the roaring fire, and he felt very justly

and properly indignant that the tall man should be in a fair way of keeping such an excellent house, while he,

Tom Smart, was as far off from it as ever. So, after deliberating over the two last tumblers, whether he hadn't

a perfect right to pick a quarrel with the tall man for having contrived to get into the good graces of the

buxom widow, Tom Smart at last arrived at the satisfactory conclusion that he was a very illused and

'Up a wide and ancient staircase the smart girl preceded Tom, shading the chamber candle with her hand, to

protect it from the currents of air which in such a rambling old place might have found plenty of room to

disport themselves in, without blowing the candle out, but which did blow it out neverthelessthus affording

Tom's enemies an opportunity of asserting that it was he, and not the wind, who extinguished the candle, and

that while he pretended to be blowing it alight again, he was in fact kissing the girl. Be this as it may, another

light was obtained, and Tom was conducted through a maze of rooms, and a labyrinth of passages, to the

apartment which had been prepared for his reception, where the girl bade him goodnight and left him alone.

'It was a good large room with big closets, and a bed which might have served for a whole boardingschool,

to say nothing of a couple of oaken presses that would have held the baggage of a small army; but what

struck Tom's fancy most was a strange, grimlooking, high backed chair, carved in the most fantastic

manner, with a flowered damask cushion, and the round knobs at the bottom of the legs carefully tied up in

red cloth, as if it had got the gout in its toes. Of any other queer chair, Tom would only have thought it was a

queer chair, and there would have been an end of the matter; but there was something about this particular

chair, and yet he couldn't tell what it was, so odd and so unlike any other piece of furniture he had ever seen,

that it seemed to fascinate him. He sat down before the fire, and stared at the old chair for half an

hour.Damn the chair, it was such a strange old thing, he couldn't take his eyes off it.

"'Well," said Tom, slowly undressing himself, and staring at the old chair all the while, which stood with a

mysterious aspect by the bedside, "I never saw such a rum concern as that in my days. Very odd," said Tom,

who had got rather sage with the hot punch'very odd." Tom shook his head with an air of profound

wisdom, and looked at the chair again. He couldn't make anything of it though, so he got into bed, covered

'In about half an hour, Tom woke up with a start, from a confused dream of tall men and tumblers of punch;

and the first object that presented itself to his waking imagination was the queer chair.

'"I won't look at it any more," said Tom to himself, and he squeezed his eyelids together, and tried to

persuade himself he was going to sleep again. No use; nothing but queer chairs danced before his eyes,

kicking up their legs, jumping over each other's backs, and playing all kinds of antics.

"'I may as well see one real chair, as two or three complete sets of false ones," said Tom, bringing out his

head from under the bedclothes. There it was, plainly discernible by the light of the fire, looking as provoking

'Tom gazed at the chair; and, suddenly as he looked at it, a most extraordinary change seemed to come over

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it. The carving of the back gradually assumed the lineaments and expression of an old, shrivelled human face;

the damask cushion became an antique, flapped waistcoat; the round knobs grew into a couple of feet,

encased in red cloth slippers; and the whole chair looked like a very ugly old man, of the previous century,

with his arms akimbo. Tom sat up in bed, and rubbed his eyes to dispel the illusion. No. The chair was an

'Tom was naturally a headlong, careless sort of dog, and he had had five tumblers of hot punch into the

bargain; so, although he was a little startled at first, he began to grow rather indignant when he saw the old

gentleman winking and leering at him with such an impudent air. At length he resolved that he wouldn't stand

it; and as the old face still kept winking away as fast as ever, Tom said, in a very angry tone

'"Because I like it, Tom Smart," said the chair; or the old gentleman, whichever you like to call him. He

stopped winking though, when Tom spoke, and began grinning like a superannuated monkey.

'"How do you know my name, old nutcracker face?" inquired Tom Smart, rather staggered; though he

'"Come, come, Tom," said the old gentleman, "that's not the way to address solid Spanish mahogany.

Damme, you couldn't treat me with less respect if I was veneered." When the old gentleman said this, he

'"I didn't mean to treat you with any disrespect, Sir," said Tom, in a much humbler tone than he had spoken in

'"Never mind that," said the old gentleman; "you're much too fond of punch, Tom."

'Tom Smart was just on the point of protesting that he hadn't tasted a drop since his last birthday, but when

his eye encountered that of the old gentleman he looked so knowing that Tom blushed, and was silent.

'"Tom," said the old gentleman, "the widow's a fine woman remarkably fine womaneh, Tom?" Here the

old fellow screwed up his eyes, cocked up one of his wasted little legs, and looked altogether so unpleasantly

amorous, that Tom was quite disgusted with the levity of his behaviourat his time of life, too! '"I am her

'"I knew her mother, Tom," said the old fellow: "and her grandmother. She was very fond of memade me

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 124

'"And these shoes," said the old fellow, lifting up one of the red cloth mufflers; "but don't mention it, Tom. I

shouldn't like to have it known that she was so much attached to me. It might occasion some unpleasantness

in the family." When the old rascal said this, he looked so extremely impertinent, that, as Tom Smart

'"I have been a great favourite among the women in my time, Tom," said the profligate old debauchee;

"hundreds of fine women have sat in my lap for hours together. What do you think of that, you dog, eh!" The

old gentleman was proceeding to recount some other exploits of his youth, when he was seized with such a

'"Just serves you right, old boy," thought Tom Smart; but he didn't say anything.

'"Ah!" said the old fellow, "I am a good deal troubled with this now. I am getting old, Tom, and have lost

nearly all my rails. I have had an operation performed, tooa small piece let into my backand I found it a

'"However," said the old gentleman, "that's not the point. Tom! I want you to marry the widow."

'"Bless your reverend locks," said Tom (he had a few scattered horsehairs left)"bless your reverend locks,

'"No, no," said Tom; "there's somebody else in the wind. A tall mana confoundedly tall manwith black

'"Won't she?" said Tom. "If you stood in the bar, old gentleman, you'd tell another story." '"Pooh, pooh," said

'"The kissing behind the door, and all that sort of thing, Tom," said the old gentleman. And here he gave

another impudent look, which made Tom very wroth, because as you all know, gentlemen, to hear an old

fellow, who ought to know better, talking about these things, is very unpleasantnothing more so.

'"I know all about that, Tom," said the old gentleman. "I have seen it done very often in my time, Tom,

between more people than I should like to mention to you; but it never came to anything after all."

'"You may say that, Tom," replied the old fellow, with a very complicated wink. "I am the last of my family,

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 125

'"There were twelve of us, Tom," said the old gentleman; "fine, straightbacked, handsome fellows as you'd

wish to see. None of your modern abortionsall with arms, and with a degree of polish, though I say it that

'The old gentleman applied his elbow to his eye as he replied, "Gone, Tom, gone. We had hard service, Tom,

and they hadn't all my constitution. They got rheumatic about the legs and arms, and went into kitchens and

other hospitals; and one of 'em, with long service and hard usage, positively lost his senseshe got so crazy

'The old fellow paused for a few minutes, apparently struggling with his feelings of emotion, and then said

'"However, Tom, I am wandering from the point. This tall man, Tom, is a rascally adventurer. The moment

he married the widow, he would sell off all the furniture, and run away. What would be the consequence? She

would be deserted and reduced to ruin, and I should catch my death of cold in some broker's shop."

'"Don't interrupt me," said the old gentleman. "Of you, Tom, I entertain a very different opinion; for I well

know that if you once settled yourself in a publichouse, you would never leave it, as long as there was

'"Therefore," resumed the old gentleman, in a dictatorial tone, "you shall have her, and he shall not."

'The old gentleman untucked his arm from his side, and having pointed to one of the oaken presses,

'"He little thinks," said the old gentleman, "that in the right hand pocket of a pair of trousers in that press, he

has left a letter, entreating him to return to his disconsolate wife, with sixmark me, Tomsix babes, and

'As the old gentleman solemnly uttered these words, his features grew less and less distinct, and his figure

more shadowy. A film came over Tom Smart's eyes. The old man seemed gradually blending into the chair,

the damask waistcoat to resolve into a cushion, the red slippers to shrink into little red cloth bags. The light

'Morning aroused Tom from the lethargic slumber, into which he had fallen on the disappearance of the old

man. He sat up in bed, and for some minutes vainly endeavoured to recall the events of the preceding night.

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Suddenly they rushed upon him. He looked at the chair; it was a fantastic and grimlooking piece of

furniture, certainly, but it must have been a remarkably ingenious and lively imagination, that could have

'"Miserable morning," said Tom. No. The chair would not be drawn into conversation.

'"Which press did you point to?you can tell me that," said Tom. Devil a word, gentlemen, the chair would

'"It's not much trouble to open it, anyhow," said Tom, getting out of bed very deliberately. He walked up to

one of the presses. The key was in the lock; he turned it, and opened the door. There was a pair of trousers

there. He put his hand into the pocket, and drew forth the identical letter the old gentleman had described!

'"Queer sort of thing, this," said Tom Smart, looking first at the chair and then at the press, and then at the

letter, and then at the chair again. "Very queer," said Tom. But, as there was nothing in either, to lessen the

queerness, he thought he might as well dress himself, and settle the tall man's business at once just to put

'Tom surveyed the rooms he passed through, on his way downstairs, with the scrutinising eye of a landlord;

thinking it not impossible, that before long, they and their contents would be his property. The tall man was

standing in the snug little bar, with his hands behind him, quite at home. He grinned vacantly at Tom. A

casual observer might have supposed he did it, only to show his white teeth; but Tom Smart thought that a

consciousness of triumph was passing through the place where the tall man's mind would have been, if he had

'"Goodmorning ma'am," said Tom Smart, closing the door of the little parlour as the widow entered.

'"There's a very nice ham," said the widow, "and a beautiful cold larded fowl. Shall I send 'em in, Sir?"

'These words roused Tom from his reflections. His admiration of the widow increased as she spoke.

'"Is there anything more you want, Sir?" inquired the widow, rather puzzled by Tom's manner. '"Why, yes,"

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said Tom. "My dear ma'am, will you have the kindness to sit down for one moment?"

'The widow looked much amazed, but she sat down, and Tom sat down too, close beside her. I don't know

how it happened, gentlemenindeed my uncle used to tell me that Tom Smart said he didn't know how it

happened eitherbut somehow or other the palm of Tom's hand fell upon the back of the widow's hand, and

'"My dear ma'am," said Tom Smarthe had always a great notion of committing the amiable"my dear

'"Lor, Sir!" said the widowas well she might; Tom's mode of commencing the conversation being rather

unusual, not to say startling; the fact of his never having set eyes upon her before the previous night being

'"I scorn to flatter, my dear ma'am," said Tom Smart. "You deserve a very admirable husband, and whoever

he is, he'll be a very lucky man." As Tom said this, his eye involuntarily wandered from the widow's face to

'The widow looked more puzzled than ever, and made an effort to rise. Tom gently pressed her hand, as if to

detain her, and she kept her seat. Widows, gentlemen, are not usually timorous, as my uncle used to say.

'"I am sure I am very much obliged to you, Sir, for your good opinion," said the buxom landlady, half

'"IF," said Tom Smart, looking very shrewdly out of the right hand corner of his left eye. "IF" "'Well,"

said the widow, laughing outright this time, "WHEN I do, I hope I shall have as good a husband as you

'"I am sure nobody who knows him, knows anything bad of him," said the widow, bridling up at the

'The widow began to think it was high time to cry, so she took out her handkerchief, and inquired whether

Tom wished to insult her, whether he thought it like a gentleman to take away the character of another

gentleman behind his back, why, if he had got anything to say, he didn't say it to the man, like a man, instead

'"I'll say it to him fast enough," said Tom, "only I want you to hear it first."

'"If it is, that he wants money," said the widow, "I know that already, and you needn't trouble yourself."

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'"Pooh, nonsense, that's nothing," said Tom Smart, "I want money. 'Tain't that."

'"Don't be frightened," said Tom Smart. He slowly drew forth the letter, and unfolded it. "You won't scream?"

'"And don't run out, and blow him up," said Tom; "because I'll do all that for you. You had better not exert

'"I will," replied Tom Smart; and, with these words, he placed the letter in the widow's hand.

'Gentlemen, I have heard my uncle say, that Tom Smart said the widow's lamentations when she heard the

disclosure would have pierced a heart of stone. Tom was certainly very tender hearted, but they pierced his,

'"Oh, I can't compose myself," shrieked the widow. "I shall never find anyone else I can love so much!"

'"Oh, yes you will, my dear soul," said Tom Smart, letting fall a shower of the largestsized tears, in pity for

the widow's misfortunes. Tom Smart, in the energy of his compassion, had put his arm round the widow's

waist; and the widow, in a passion of grief, had clasped Tom's hand. She looked up in Tom's face, and smiled

'I never could find out, gentlemen, whether Tom did or did not kiss the widow at that particular moment. He

used to tell my uncle he didn't, but I have my doubts about it. Between ourselves, gentlemen, I rather think he

'At all events, Tom kicked the very tall man out at the front door half an hour later, and married the widow a

month after. And he used to drive about the country, with the claycoloured gig with the red wheels, and the

vixenish mare with the fast pace, till he gave up business many years afterwards, and went to France with his

'Will you allow me to ask you,' said the inquisitive old gentleman, 'what became of the chair?'

'Why,' replied the oneeyed bagman, 'it was observed to creak very much on the day of the wedding; but

Tom Smart couldn't say for certain whether it was with pleasure or bodily infirmity. He rather thought it was

'Everybody believed the story, didn't they?' said the dirty faced man, refilling his pipe.

CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN 129

'Except Tom's enemies,' replied the bagman. 'Some of 'em said Tom invented it altogether; and others said he

was drunk and fancied it, and got hold of the wrong trousers by mistake before he went to bed. But nobody

Mr. Pickwick's conscience had been somewhat reproaching him for his recent neglect of his friends at the

Peacock; and he was just on the point of walking forth in quest of them, on the third morning after the

election had terminated, when his faithful valet put into his hand a card, on which was engraved the following

'He wants you partickler; and no one else 'll do, as the devil's private secretary said ven he fetched avay

'Given me by a gen'l'm'n, howsoever,' replied Sam, 'and he's awaitin' in the drawingroomsaid he'd rather

Mr. Pickwick, on hearing this determination, descended to the drawingroom, where sat a grave man, who

'Allow me, Sir, the honour of grasping your hand. Permit me, Sir, to shake it,' said the grave man.

'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick. The stranger shook the extended hand, and then continued

'We have heard of your fame, sir. The noise of your antiquarian discussion has reached the ears of Mrs. Leo

Hunter my wife, sir; I am Mr. Leo Hunter'the stranger paused, as if he expected that Mr. Pickwick

would be overcome by the disclosure; but seeing that he remained perfectly calm, proceeded

'My wife, sirMrs. Leo Hunteris proud to number among her acquaintance all those who have rendered

themselves celebrated by their works and talents. Permit me, sir, to place in a conspicuous part of the list the

name of Mr. Pickwick, and his brothermembers of the club that derives its name from him.'

'I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaintance of such a lady, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick.

'You SHALL make it, sir,' said the grave man. 'Tomorrow morning, sir, we give a public breakfasta

FETE CHAMPETREto a great number of those who have rendered themselves celebrated by their works

and talents. Permit Mrs. Leo Hunter, Sir, to have the gratification of seeing you at the Den.'

'Mrs. Leo Hunter has many of these breakfasts, Sir,' resumed the new acquaintance'"feasts of reason," sir,

"and flows of soul," as somebody who wrote a sonnet to Mrs. Leo Hunter on her breakfasts, feelingly and

'He was Sir,' replied the grave man, 'all Mrs. Leo Hunter's acquaintances are; it is her ambition, sir, to have no

'When I inform Mrs. Leo Hunter, that that remark fell from your lips, sir, she will indeed be proud,' said the

grave man. 'You have a gentleman in your train, who has produced some beautiful little poems, I think, sir.'

'So has Mrs. Leo Hunter, Sir. She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind

are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met

'You astonish me, Sir,' said Mr. Leo Hunter. 'It created an immense sensation. It was signed with an "L" and

'Finely expressed,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'All point, Sir,' said Mr. Leo Hunter; 'but you shall hear Mrs. Leo

Hunter repeat it. She can do justice to it, Sir. She will repeat it, in character, Sir, tomorrow morning.'

'Can't, sir; can't!' exclaimed Mr. Leo Hunter. 'Solomon Lucas, the Jew in the High Street, has thousands of

fancy dresses. Consider, Sir, how many appropriate characters are open for your selection. Plato, Zeno,

'I know that,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I cannot put myself in competition with those great men, I cannot

'On reflection, Sir, I don't know whether it would not afford Mrs. Leo Hunter greater pleasure, if her guests

saw a gentleman of your celebrity in his own costume, rather than in an assumed one. I may venture to

promise an exception in your case, sir yes, I am quite certain that, on behalf of Mrs. Leo Hunter, I may

'But I waste your time, Sir,' said the grave man, as if suddenly recollecting himself. 'I know its value, sir. I

will not detain you. I may tell Mrs. Leo Hunter, then, that she may confidently expect you and your

distinguished friends? Goodmorning, Sir, I am proud to have beheld so eminent a personagenot a step sir;

not a word.' And without giving Mr. Pickwick time to offer remonstrance or denial, Mr. Leo Hunter stalked

Mr. Pickwick took up his hat, and repaired to the Peacock, but Mr. Winkle had conveyed the intelligence of

'Of course they will,' replied Mr. Winkle indignantly. 'They'll see her lyre, won't they?'

'You don't mean to say,' said Mr. Pickwick, gazing with solemn sternness at his friend'you don't mean to

say, Mr. Tupman, that it is your intention to put yourself into a green velvet jacket, with a twoinch tail?'

'Because, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably excited 'because you are too old, Sir.'

'And if any further ground of objection be wanting,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'you are too fat, sir.'

'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, his face suffused with a crimson glow, 'this is an insult.'

'Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone, 'it is not half the insult to you, that your appearance in my

Mr. Tupman advanced a step or two, and glared at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick returned the glare,

concentrated into a focus by means of his spectacles, and breathed a bold defiance. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr.

'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, after a short pause, speaking in a low, deep voice, 'you have called me old.'

'My attachment to your person, sir,' said Mr. Tupman, speaking in a voice tremulous with emotion, and

tucking up his wristbands meanwhile, 'is greatvery greatbut upon that person, I must take summary

'Come on, Sir!' replied Mr. Pickwick. Stimulated by the exciting nature of the dialogue, the heroic man

actually threw himself into a paralytic attitude, confidently supposed by the two bystanders to have been

'What!' exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, suddenly recovering the power of speech, of which intense astonishment

had previously bereft him, and rushing between the two, at the imminent hazard of receiving an application

on the temple from each'what! Mr. Pickwick, with the eyes of the world upon you! Mr. Tupman! who, in

common with us all, derives a lustre from his undying name! For shame, gentlemen; for shame.'

The unwonted lines which momentary passion had ruled in Mr. Pickwick's clear and open brow, gradually

melted away, as his young friend spoke, like the marks of a blacklead pencil beneath the softening influence

of indiarubber. His countenance had resumed its usual benign expression, ere he concluded.

The dark shadow passed from Mr. Tupman's face, as he warmly grasped the hand of his friend.

'No, no,' interrupted Mr. Pickwick, 'the fault was mine. You will wear the green velvet jacket?'

It was accordingly settled that Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass, should all wear fancydresses.

Thus Mr. Pickwick was led by the very warmth of his own good feelings to give his consent to a proceeding

from which his better judgment would have recoileda more striking illustration of his amiable character

could hardly have been conceived, even if the events recorded in these pages had been wholly imaginary.

Mr. Leo Hunter had not exaggerated the resources of Mr. Solomon Lucas. His wardrobe was

extensivevery extensive not strictly classical perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain any one garment

made precisely after the fashion of any age or time, but everything was more or less spangled; and what can

be prettier than spangles! It may be objected that they are not adapted to the daylight, but everybody knows

that they would glitter if there were lamps; and nothing can be clearer than that if people give fancyballs in

the daytime, and the dresses do not show quite as well as they would by night, the fault lies solely with the

people who give the fancyballs, and is in no wise chargeable on the spangles. Such was the convincing

reasoning of Mr. Solomon Lucas; and influenced by such arguments did Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr.

Snodgrass engage to array themselves in costumes which his taste and experience induced him to recommend

A carriage was hired from the Town Arms, for the accommodation of the Pickwickians, and a chariot was

ordered from the same repository, for the purpose of conveying Mr. and Mrs. Pott to Mrs. Leo Hunter's

grounds, which Mr. Pott, as a delicate acknowledgment of having received an invitation, had already

confidently predicted in the Eatanswill GAZETTE 'would present a scene of varied and delicious

enchantmenta bewildering coruscation of beauty and talenta lavish and prodigal display of

hospitalityabove all, a degree of splendour softened by the most exquisite taste; and adornment refined

with perfect harmony and the chastest good keepingcompared with which, the fabled gorgeousness of

Eastern fairyland itself would appear to be clothed in as many dark and murky colours, as must be the mind

of the splenetic and unmanly being who could presume to taint with the venom of his envy, the preparations

made by the virtuous and highly distinguished lady at whose shrine this humble tribute of admiration was

offered.' This last was a piece of biting sarcasm against the INDEPENDENT, who, in consequence of not

having been invited at all, had been, through four numbers, affecting to sneer at the whole affair, in his very

The morning came: it was a pleasant sight to behold Mr. Tupman in full brigand's costume, with a very tight

jacket, sitting like a pincushion over his back and shoulders, the upper portion of his legs incased in the

velvet shorts, and the lower part thereof swathed in the complicated bandages to which all brigands are

peculiarly attached. It was pleasing to see his open and ingenuous countenance, well mustachioed and corked,

looking out from an open shirt collar; and to contemplate the sugarloaf hat, decorated with ribbons of all

colours, which he was compelled to carry on his knee, inasmuch as no known conveyance with a top to it,

would admit of any man's carrying it between his head and the roof. Equally humorous and agreeable was the

appearance of Mr. Snodgrass in blue satin trunks and cloak, white silk tights and shoes, and Grecian helmet,

which everybody knows (and if they do not, Mr. Solomon Lucas did) to have been the regular, authentic,

everyday costume of a troubadour, from the earliest ages down to the time of their final disappearance from

the face of the earth. All this was pleasant, but this was as nothing compared with the shouting of the

populace when the carriage drew up, behind Mr. Pott's chariot, which chariot itself drew up at Mr. Pott's

door, which door itself opened, and displayed the great Pott accoutred as a Russian officer of justice, with a

tremendous knout in his handtastefully typical of the stern and mighty power of the Eatanswill GAZETTE,

'Bravo!' shouted Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass from the passage, when they beheld the walking allegory.

'Hooroar Pott!' shouted the populace. Amid these salutations, Mr. Pott, smiling with that kind of bland

dignity which sufficiently testified that he felt his power, and knew how to exert it, got into the chariot.

Then there emerged from the house, Mrs. Pott, who would have looked very like Apollo if she hadn't had a

gown on, conducted by Mr. Winkle, who, in his lightred coat could not possibly have been mistaken for

anything but a sportsman, if he had not borne an equal resemblance to a general postman. Last of all came

Mr. Pickwick, whom the boys applauded as loud as anybody, probably under the impression that his tights

and gaiters were some remnants of the dark ages; and then the two vehicles proceeded towards Mrs. Leo

Hunter's; Mr. Weller (who was to assist in waiting) being stationed on the box of that in which his master was

Every one of the men, women, boys, girls, and babies, who were assembled to see the visitors in their

fancydresses, screamed with delight and ecstasy, when Mr. Pickwick, with the brigand on one arm, and the

troubadour on the other, walked solemnly up the entrance. Never were such shouts heard as those which

greeted Mr. Tupman's efforts to fix the sugarloaf hat on his head, by way of entering the garden in style.

The preparations were on the most delightful scale; fully realising the prophetic Pott's anticipations about the

gorgeousness of Eastern fairyland, and at once affording a sufficient contradiction to the malignant

statements of the reptile INDEPENDENT. The grounds were more than an acre and a quarter in extent, and

they were filled with people! Never was such a blaze of beauty, and fashion, and literature. There was the

young lady who 'did' the poetry in the Eatanswill GAZETTE, in the garb of a sultana, leaning upon the arm of

the young gentleman who 'did' the review department, and who was appropriately habited in a

fieldmarshal's uniformthe boots excepted. There were hosts of these geniuses, and any reasonable person

would have thought it honour enough to meet them. But more than these, there were half a dozen lions from

Londonauthors, real authors, who had written whole books, and printed them afterwardsand here you

might see 'em, walking about, like ordinary men, smiling, and talkingaye, and talking pretty considerable

nonsense too, no doubt with the benign intention of rendering themselves intelligible to the common people

about them. Moreover, there was a band of music in pasteboard caps; four somethingean singers in the

costume of their country, and a dozen hired waiters in the costume of THEIR countryand very dirty

costume too. And above all, there was Mrs. Leo Hunter in the character of Minerva, receiving the company,

and overflowing with pride and gratification at the notion of having called such distinguished individuals

'Mr. Pickwick, ma'am,' said a servant, as that gentleman approached the presiding goddess, with his hat in his

'What! Where!' exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunter, starting up, in an affected rapture of surprise.

'Is it possible that I have really the gratification of beholding Mr. Pickwick himself!' ejaculated Mrs. Leo

'No other, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick, bowing very low. 'Permit me to introduce my friendsMr.

TupmanMr. Winkle Mr. Snodgrassto the authoress of "The Expiring Frog."' Very few people but

those who have tried it, know what a difficult process it is to bow in green velvet smalls, and a tight jacket,

and highcrowned hat; or in blue satin trunks and white silks, or kneecords and topboots that were never

made for the wearer, and have been fixed upon him without the remotest reference to the comparative

dimensions of himself and the suit. Never were such distortions as Mr. Tupman's frame underwent in his

efforts to appear easy and gracefulnever was such ingenious posturing, as his fancydressed friends

'Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'I must make you promise not to stir from my side the whole day.

'In the first place, here are my little girls; I had almost forgotten them,' said Minerva, carelessly pointing

towards a couple of fullgrown young ladies, of whom one might be about twenty, and the other a year or

two older, and who were dressed in very juvenile costumeswhether to make them look young, or their

'They are very beautiful,' said Mr. Pickwick, as the juveniles turned away, after being presented.

'Oh, you naughty man,' exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunter, playfully tapping the editor's arm with her fan (Minerva

'Why now, my dear Mrs. Hunter,' said Mr. Pott, who was trumpeter in ordinary at the Den, 'you know that

when your picture was in the exhibition of the Royal Academy, last year, everybody inquired whether it was

intended for you, or your youngest daughter; for you were so much alike that there was no telling the

'Well, and if they did, why need you repeat it, before strangers?' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, bestowing another tap

'Count, count,' screamed Mrs. Leo Hunter to a wellwhiskered individual in a foreign uniform, who was

'I want to introduce two very clever people to each other,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter. 'Mr. Pickwick, I have great

pleasure in introducing you to Count Smorltork.' She added in a hurried whisper to Mr. Pickwick'The

famous foreignergathering materials for his great work on Englandhem!Count Smorltork, Mr.

Pickwick.' Mr. Pickwick saluted the count with all the reverence due to so great a man, and the count drew

'What you say, Mrs. Hunt?' inquired the count, smiling graciously on the gratified Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'Pig Vig

or Big Vigwhat you calllawyereh? I seethat is it. Big Vig' and the count was proceeding to

enter Mr. Pickwick in his tablets, as a gentleman of the long robe, who derived his name from the profession

'Ah, ah, I see,' replied the count. 'Peekchristian name; Weekssurname; good, ver good. Peek Weeks.

'Quite well, I thank you,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with all his usual affability. 'Have you been long in England?'

'You will have enough to do,' said Mr. Pickwick smiling, 'to gather all the materials you want in that time.'

'They are here,' added the count, tapping his forehead significantly. 'Large book at homefull of

'The word politics, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'comprises in itself, a difficult study of no inconsiderable

'Ah!' said the count, drawing out the tablets again, 'ver good fine words to begin a chapter. Chapter

fortyseven. Poltics. The word poltic surprises by himself' And down went Mr. Pickwick's remark, in

Count Smorltork's tablets, with such variations and additions as the count's exuberant fancy suggested, or his

'Stop,' exclaimed the count, bringing out the tablets once more. 'Head, potrychapter, literary

friendsname, Snowgrass; ver good. Introduced to Snowgrassgreat poet, friend of Peek Weeksby Mrs.

Hunt, which wrote other sweet poemwhat is that name?FogPerspiring Fogver goodver good

indeed.' And the count put up his tablets, and with sundry bows and acknowledgments walked away,

thoroughly satisfied that he had made the most important and valuable additions to his stock of information.

A chorus of bystanders took up the shout of Count Smorltork's praise, shook their heads sagely, and

As the enthusiasm in Count Smorltork's favour ran very high, his praises might have been sung until the end

of the festivities, if the four somethingean singers had not ranged themselves in front of a small appletree,

to look picturesque, and commenced singing their national songs, which appeared by no means difficult of

execution, inasmuch as the grand secret seemed to be, that three of the somethingean singers should grunt,

while the fourth howled. This interesting performance having concluded amidst the loud plaudits of the

whole company, a boy forthwith proceeded to entangle himself with the rails of a chair, and to jump over it,

and crawl under it, and fall down with it, and do everything but sit upon it, and then to make a cravat of his

legs, and tie them round his neck, and then to illustrate the ease with which a human being can be made to

look like a magnified toad all which feats yielded high delight and satisfaction to the assembled spectators.

After which, the voice of Mrs. Pott was heard to chirp faintly forth, something which courtesy interpreted

into a song, which was all very classical, and strictly in character, because Apollo was himself a composer,

and composers can very seldom sing their own music or anybody else's, either. This was succeeded by Mrs.

Leo Hunter's recitation of her farfamed 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' which was encored once, and would have

been encored twice, if the major part of the guests, who thought it was high time to get something to eat, had

not said that it was perfectly shameful to take advantage of Mrs. Hunter's good nature. So although Mrs. Leo

Hunter professed her perfect willingness to recite the ode again, her kind and considerate friends wouldn't

hear of it on any account; and the refreshment room being thrown open, all the people who had ever been

there before, scrambled in with all possible despatch Mrs. Leo Hunter's usual course of proceedings being,

to issue cards for a hundred, and breakfast for fifty, or in other words to feed only the very particular lions,

'Where is Mr. Pott?' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, as she placed the aforesaid lions around her.

'Here I am,' said the editor, from the remotest end of the room; far beyond all hope of food, unless something

'Oh, pray don't mind him,' said Mrs. Pott, in the most obliging voice'you give yourself a great deal of

'Certainlylove,' replied the unhappy Pott, with a grim smile. Alas for the knout! The nervous arm that

wielded it, with such a gigantic force on public characters, was paralysed beneath the glance of the imperious

Mrs. Leo Hunter looked round her in triumph. Count Smorltork was busily engaged in taking notes of the

contents of the dishes; Mr. Tupman was doing the honours of the lobster salad to several lionesses, with a

degree of grace which no brigand ever exhibited before; Mr. Snodgrass having cut out the young gentleman

who cut up the books for the Eatanswill GAZETTE, was engaged in an impassioned argument with the

young lady who did the poetry; and Mr. Pickwick was making himself universally agreeable. Nothing seemed

wanting to render the select circle complete, when Mr. Leo Hunterwhose department on these occasions,

was to stand about in doorways, and talk to the less important peoplesuddenly called out 'My dear;

'Oh dear,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'how anxiously I have been expecting him. Pray make room, to let Mr.

FitzMarshall pass. Tell Mr. FitzMarshall, my dear, to come up to me directly, to be scolded for coming so

'Coming, my dear ma'am,' cried a voice, 'as quick as I can crowds of peoplefull roomhard

Mr. Pickwick's knife and fork fell from his hand. He stared across the table at Mr. Tupman, who had dropped

his knife and fork, and was looking as if he were about to sink into the ground without further notice.

'Ah!' cried the voice, as its owner pushed his way among the last fiveandtwenty Turks, officers, cavaliers,

and Charles the Seconds, that remained between him and the table, 'regular mangleBaker's patentnot a

crease in my coat, after all this squeezingmight have "got up my linen" as I came along ha! ha! not a

bad idea, thatqueer thing to have it mangled when it's upon one, thoughtrying processvery.'

With these broken words, a young man dressed as a naval officer made his way up to the table, and presented

to the astonished Pickwickians the identical form and features of Mr. Alfred Jingle. The offender had barely

time to take Mrs. Leo Hunter's proffered hand, when his eyes encountered the indignant orbs of Mr.

'Hollo!' said Jingle. 'Quite forgotno directions to postillion give 'em at onceback in a minute.'

'The servant, or Mr. Hunter will do it in a moment, Mr. FitzMarshall,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter.

'No, noI'll do itshan't be longback in no time,' replied Jingle. With these words he disappeared among

'Will you allow me to ask you, ma'am,' said the excited Mr. Pickwick, rising from his seat, 'who that young

'He is a gentleman of fortune, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'to whom I very much want to introduce

'At Bury St. Edmunds, not many miles from here. But dear me, Mr. Pickwick, you are not going to leave us;

But long before Mrs. Leo Hunter had finished speaking, Mr. Pickwick had plunged through the throng, and

reached the garden, whither he was shortly afterwards joined by Mr. Tupman, who had followed his friend

'To the Angel at Bury,' replied Mr. Pickwick, speaking very quickly. 'How do we know whom he is deceiving

there? He deceived a worthy man once, and we were the innocent cause. He shall not do it again, if I can help

'Here you are, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, emerging from a sequestered spot, where he had been engaged in

discussing a bottle of Madeira, which he had abstracted from the breakfast table an hour or two before.

'Here's your servant, Sir. Proud o' the title, as the living skellinton said, ven they show'd him.'

'Follow me instantly,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Tupman, if I stay at Bury, you can join me there, when I write. Till

Remonstrances were useless. Mr. Pickwick was roused, and his mind was made up. Mr. Tupman returned to

his companions; and in another hour had drowned all present recollection of Mr. Alfred Jingle, or Mr.

Charles FitzMarshall, in an exhilarating quadrille and a bottle of champagne. By that time, Mr. Pickwick

and Sam Weller, perched on the outside of a stagecoach, were every succeeding minute placing a less and

There is no month in the whole year in which nature wears a more beautiful appearance than in the month of

August. Spring has many beauties, and May is a fresh and blooming month, but the charms of this time of

year are enhanced by their contrast with the winter season. August has no such advantage. It comes when we

remember nothing but clear skies, green fields, and sweetsmelling flowerswhen the recollection of snow,

and ice, and bleak winds, has faded from our minds as completely as they have disappeared from the

earthand yet what a pleasant time it is! Orchards and cornfields ring with the hum of labour; trees bend

beneath the thick clusters of rich fruit which bow their branches to the ground; and the corn, piled in graceful

sheaves, or waving in every light breath that sweeps above it, as if it wooed the sickle, tinges the landscape

with a golden hue. A mellow softness appears to hang over the whole earth; the influence of the season seems

to extend itself to the very wagon, whose slow motion across the wellreaped field is perceptible only to the

As the coach rolls swiftly past the fields and orchards which skirt the road, groups of women and children,

piling the fruit in sieves, or gathering the scattered ears of corn, pause for an instant from their labour, and

shading the sunburned face with a still browner hand, gaze upon the passengers with curious eyes, while

some stout urchin, too small to work, but too mischievous to be left at home, scrambles over the side of the

basket in which he has been deposited for security, and kicks and screams with delight. The reaper stops in

his work, and stands with folded arms, looking at the vehicle as it whirls past; and the rough cart horses

bestow a sleepy glance upon the smart coach team, which says as plainly as a horse's glance can, 'It's all very

fine to look at, but slow going, over a heavy field, is better than warm work like that, upon a dusty road, after

all.' You cast a look behind you, as you turn a corner of the road. The women and children have resumed their

labour; the reaper once more stoops to his work; the carthorses have moved on; and all are again in motion.

The influence of a scene like this, was not lost upon the well regulated mind of Mr. Pickwick. Intent upon

the resolution he had formed, of exposing the real character of the nefarious Jingle, in any quarter in which he

might be pursuing his fraudulent designs, he sat at first taciturn and contemplative, brooding over the means

by which his purpose could be best attained. By degrees his attention grew more and more attracted by the

objects around him; and at last he derived as much enjoyment from the ride, as if it had been undertaken for

'I suppose you have hardly seen anything but chimneypots and bricks and mortar all your life, Sam,' said

'I worn't always a boots, sir,' said Mr. Weller, with a shake of the head. 'I wos a vaginer's boy, once.'

'When I wos first pitched neck and crop into the world, to play at leapfrog with its troubles,' replied Sam. 'I

wos a carrier's boy at startin'; then a vaginer's, then a helper, then a boots. Now I'm a gen'l'm'n's servant. I

shall be a gen'l'm'n myself one of these days, perhaps, with a pipe in my mouth, and a summerhouse in the

'It runs in the family, I b'lieve, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'My father's wery much in that line now. If my

motherinlaw blows him up, he whistles. She flies in a passion, and breaks his pipe; he steps out, and gets

another. Then she screams wery loud, and falls into 'sterics; and he smokes wery comfortably till she comes

'A very good substitute for it, at all events,' replied Mr. Pickwick, laughing. 'It must have been of great

'Service, sir,' exclaimed Sam. 'You may say that. Arter I run away from the carrier, and afore I took up with

'Yesthe dry arches of Waterloo Bridge. Fine sleepingplace vithin ten minutes' walk of all the public

officesonly if there is any objection to it, it is that the sitivation's rayther too airy. I see some queer sights

there.' 'Ah, I suppose you did,' said Mr. Pickwick, with an air of considerable interest.

'Sights, sir,' resumed Mr. Weller, 'as 'ud penetrate your benevolent heart, and come out on the other side. You

don't see the reg'lar wagrants there; trust 'em, they knows better than that. Young beggars, male and female,

as hasn't made a rise in their profession, takes up their quarters there sometimes; but it's generally the

wornout, starving, houseless creeturs as roll themselves in the dark corners o' them lonesome placespoor

'The twopenny rope, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'is just a cheap lodgin' house, where the beds is twopence a

'Bless your innocence, sir, that ain't it,' replied Sam. 'Ven the lady and gen'l'm'n as keeps the hotel first

begun business, they used to make the beds on the floor; but this wouldn't do at no price, 'cos instead o' taking

a moderate twopenn'orth o' sleep, the lodgers used to lie there half the day. So now they has two ropes, 'bout

six foot apart, and three from the floor, which goes right down the room; and the beds are made of slips of

'Well,' said Mr. Weller, 'the adwantage o' the plan's hobvious. At six o'clock every mornin' they let's go the

ropes at one end, and down falls the lodgers. Consequence is, that being thoroughly waked, they get up wery

quietly, and walk away! Beg your pardon, sir,' said Sam, suddenly breaking off in his loquacious discourse.

The coach rattled through the wellpaved streets of a handsome little town, of thriving and cleanly

appearance, and stopped before a large inn situated in a wide open street, nearly facing the old abbey.

'And this,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking up. 'Is the Angel! We alight here, Sam. But some caution is necessary.

'Right as a trivet, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, with a wink of intelligence; and having dragged Mr. Pickwick's

portmanteau from the hind boot, into which it had been hastily thrown when they joined the coach at

Eatanswill, Mr. Weller disappeared on his errand. A private room was speedily engaged; and into it Mr.

Pickwick was ushered without delay. 'Now, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'the first thing to be done is to' 'Order

'And if I might adwise, Sir,' added Mr. Weller, 'I'd just have a good night's rest arterwards, and not begin

inquiring arter this here deep 'un till the mornin'. There's nothin' so refreshen' as sleep, sir, as the servant girl

'I think you are right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'But I must first ascertain that he is in the house, and not likely

'Leave that to me, Sir,' said Sam. 'Let me order you a snug little dinner, and make my inquiries below while

it's agetting ready; I could worm ev'ry secret out O' the boots's heart, in five minutes, Sir.' 'Do so,' said Mr.

In half an hour, Mr. Pickwick was seated at a very satisfactory dinner; and in threequarters Mr. Weller

returned with the intelligence that Mr. Charles FitzMarshall had ordered his private room to be retained for

him, until further notice. He was going to spend the evening at some private house in the neighbourhood, had

ordered the boots to sit up until his return, and had taken his servant with him.

'Now, sir,' argued Mr. Weller, when he had concluded his report, 'if I can get a talk with this here servant in

As it appeared that this was the best arrangement that could be made, it was finally agreed upon. Mr. Weller,

by his master's permission, retired to spend the evening in his own way; and was shortly afterwards elected,

by the unanimous voice of the assembled company, into the taproom chair, in which honourable post he

acquitted himself so much to the satisfaction of the gentlemenfrequenters, that their roars of laughter and

approbation penetrated to Mr. Pickwick's bedroom, and shortened the term of his natural rest by at least three

Early on the ensuing morning, Mr. Weller was dispelling all the feverish remains of the previous evening's

conviviality, through the instrumentality of a halfpenny showerbath (having induced a young gentleman

attached to the stable department, by the offer of that coin, to pump over his head and face, until he was

perfectly restored), when he was attracted by the appearance of a young fellow in mulberrycoloured livery,

who was sitting on a bench in the yard, reading what appeared to be a hymnbook, with an air of deep

abstraction, but who occasionally stole a glance at the individual under the pump, as if he took some interest

'You're a rum 'un to look at, you are!' thought Mr. Weller, the first time his eyes encountered the glance of the

stranger in the mulberry suit, who had a large, sallow, ugly face, very sunken eyes, and a gigantic head, from

which depended a quantity of lank black hair. 'You're a rum 'un!' thought Mr. Weller; and thinking this, he

Still the man kept glancing from his hymnbook to Sam, and from Sam to his hymnbook, as if he wanted to

open a conversation. So at last, Sam, by way of giving him an opportunity, said with a familiar nod

'I am happy to say, I am pretty well, Sir,' said the man, speaking with great deliberation, and closing the book.

'Why, if I felt less like a walking brandybottle I shouldn't be quite so staggery this mornin',' replied Sam.

'How was it you worn't one of us, last night?' inquired Sam, scrubbing his face with the towel. 'You seem one

of the jolly sort looks as conwivial as a live trout in a lime basket,' added Mr. Weller, in an undertone.

'What's his name?' inquired Mr. Weller, colouring up very red with sudden excitement, and the friction of the

'Give us your hand,' said Mr. Weller, advancing; 'I should like to know you. I like your appearance, old

'Well, that is very strange,' said the mulberry man, with great simplicity of manner. 'I like yours so much, that

I wanted to speak to you, from the very first moment I saw you under the pump.' 'Did you though?'

'Wery sing'ler,' said Sam, inwardly congratulating himself upon the softness of the stranger. 'What's your

'And a wery good name it is; only one I know that ain't got a nickname to it. What's the other name?'

'My name's Walker; my master's name's Wilkins. Will you take a drop o' somethin' this mornin', Mr. Trotter?'

Mr. Trotter acquiesced in this agreeable proposal; and having deposited his book in his coat pocket,

accompanied Mr. Weller to the tap, where they were soon occupied in discussing an exhilarating compound,

formed by mixing together, in a pewter vessel, certain quantities of British Hollands and the fragrant essence

'And what sort of a place have you got?' inquired Sam, as he filled his companion's glass, for the second time.

'Yes; and worse than that, too, he's going to run away with an immense rich heiress, from boardingschool.'

'What a dragon!' said Sam, refilling his companion's glass. 'It's some boardingschool in this town, I suppose,

ain't it?' Now, although this question was put in the most careless tone imaginable, Mr. Job Trotter plainly

showed by gestures that he perceived his new friend's anxiety to draw forth an answer to it. He emptied his

glass, looked mysteriously at his companion, winked both of his small eyes, one after the other, and finally

made a motion with his arm, as if he were working an imaginary pumphandle; thereby intimating that he

(Mr. Trotter) considered himself as undergoing the process of being pumped by Mr. Samuel Weller.

'No, no,' said Mr. Trotter, in conclusion, 'that's not to be told to everybody. That is a secreta great secret,

Mr. Walker.' As the mulberry man said this, he turned his glass upside down, by way of reminding his

companion that he had nothing left wherewith to slake his thirst. Sam observed the hint; and feeling the

delicate manner in which it was conveyed, ordered the pewter vessel to be refilled, whereat the small eyes of

'I should rather suspect it was,' said the mulberry man, sipping his liquor, with a complacent face.

Mr. Trotter smiled, and holding his glass in his left hand, gave four distinct slaps on the pockets of his

mulberry indescribables with his right, as if to intimate that his master might have done the same without

'Well, and don't you think, old feller,' remonstrated Mr. Weller, 'that if you let your master take in this here

'I know that,' said Job Trotter, turning upon his companion a countenance of deep contrition, and groaning

slightly, 'I know that, and that's what it is that preys upon my mind. But what am I to do?'

'Who'd believe me?' replied Job Trotter. 'The young lady's considered the very picture of innocence and

discretion. She'd deny it, and so would my master. Who'd believe me? I should lose my place, and get

indicted for a conspiracy, or some such thing; that's all I should take by my motion.'

'If I knew any respectable gentleman who would take the matter up,' continued Mr. Trotter. 'I might have

some hope of preventing the elopement; but there's the same difficulty, Mr. Walker, just the same. I know no

gentleman in this strange place; and ten to one if I did, whether he would believe my story.'

'Come this way,' said Sam, suddenly jumping up, and grasping the mulberry man by the arm. 'My mas'r's the

man you want, I see.' And after a slight resistance on the part of Job Trotter, Sam led his newlyfound friend

to the apartment of Mr. Pickwick, to whom he presented him, together with a brief summary of the dialogue

'I am very sorry to betray my master, sir,' said Job Trotter, applying to his eyes a pink checked

'The feeling does you a great deal of honour,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'but it is your duty, nevertheless.'

'I know it is my duty, Sir,' replied Job, with great emotion. 'We should all try to discharge our duty, Sir, and I

humbly endeavour to discharge mine, Sir; but it is a hard trial to betray a master, Sir, whose clothes you wear,

'You are a very good fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, much affected; 'an honest fellow.'

'Come, come,' interposed Sam, who had witnessed Mr. Trotter's tears with considerable impatience, 'blow this

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick reproachfully. 'I am sorry to find that you have so little respect for this young man's

'His feelin's is all wery well, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'and as they're so wery fine, and it's a pity he should lose

'em, I think he'd better keep 'em in his own buzzum, than let 'em ewaporate in hot water, 'specially as they do

no good. Tears never yet wound up a clock, or worked a steam ingin'. The next time you go out to a smoking

party, young fellow, fill your pipe with that 'ere reflection; and for the present just put that bit of pink

gingham into your pocket. 'Tain't so handsome that you need keep waving it about, as if you was a tightrope

'My man is in the right,' said Mr. Pickwick, accosting Job, 'although his mode of expressing his opinion is

'He is, sir, very right,' said Mr. Trotter, 'and I will give way no longer.' 'Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Now,

'It is a large, old, red brick house, just outside the town, Sir,' replied Job Trotter.

'And when,' said Mr. Pickwick'when is this villainous design to be carried into executionwhen is this

'Tonight!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'This very night, sir,' replied Job Trotter. 'That is what alarms me so

'Instant measures must be taken,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I will see the lady who keeps the establishment

'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said Job, 'but that course of proceeding will never do.'

'And he has so wound himself round the old lady's heart, Sir,' resumed Job, 'that she would believe nothing to

his prejudice, if you went down on your bare knees, and swore it; especially as you have no proof but the

word of a servant, who, for anything she knows (and my master would be sure to say so), was discharged for

'Nothing but taking him in the very act of eloping, will convince the old lady, sir,' replied Job.

'All them old cats WILL run their heads agin milestones,' observed Mr. Weller, in a parenthesis.

'But this taking him in the very act of elopement, would be a very difficult thing to accomplish, I fear,' said

'I don't know, sir,' said Mr. Trotter, after a few moments' reflection. 'I think it might be very easily done.'

'Why,' replied Mr. Trotter, 'my master and I, being in the confidence of the two servants, will be secreted in

the kitchen at ten o'clock. When the family have retired to rest, we shall come out of the kitchen, and the

'Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were in waiting in the garden behind, alone'

'I thought it very natural,' replied Job, 'that the old lady wouldn't like such an unpleasant discovery to be made

before more persons than can possibly be helped. The young lady, too, sirconsider her feelings.'

'You are very right,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'The consideration evinces your delicacy of feeling. Go on; you are

'Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were waiting in the back garden alone, and I was to let you in, at

the door which opens into it, from the end of the passage, at exactly halfpast eleven o'clock, you would be

just in the very moment of time to assist me in frustrating the designs of this bad man, by whom I have been

'Don't distress yourself on that account,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'if he had one grain of the delicacy of feeling

which distinguishes you, humble as your station is, I should have some hopes of him.'

Job Trotter bowed low; and in spite of Mr. Weller's previous remonstrance, the tears again rose to his eyes.

'I never see such a feller,' said Sam, 'Blessed if I don't think he's got a main in his head as is always turned

'I don't like this plan,' said Mr. Pickwick, after deep meditation. 'Why cannot I communicate with the young

'The wall is very low, sir, and your servant will give you a leg up.' 'My servant will give me a leg up,'

repeated Mr. Pickwick mechanically. 'You will be sure to be near this door that you speak of?'

'You cannot mistake it, Sir; it's the only one that opens into the garden. Tap at it when you hear the clock

'I don't like the plan,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I see no other, and as the happiness of this young lady's

Thus, for the second time, did Mr. Pickwick's innate good feeling involve him in an enterprise from which

'Westgate House, Sir. You turn a little to the right when you get to the end of the town; it stands by itself,

some little distance off the high road, with the name on a brass plate on the gate.'

'I know it,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I observed it once before, when I was in this town. You may depend upon me.'

Mr. Trotter made another bow, and turned to depart, when Mr. Pickwick thrust a guinea into his hand.

'You're a fine fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I admire your goodness of heart. No thanks.

'There is no fear of my forgetting it, sir,' replied Job Trotter. With these words he left the room, followed by

'I say,' said the latter, 'not a bad notion that 'ere crying. I'd cry like a rainwater spout in a shower on such

'It comes from the heart, Mr. Walker,' replied Job solemnly. 'Goodmorning, sir.'

'You're a soft customer, you are; we've got it all out o' you, anyhow,' thought Mr. Weller, as Job walked

We cannot state the precise nature of the thoughts which passed through Mr. Trotter's mind, because we don't

The day wore on, evening came, and at a little before ten o'clock Sam Weller reported that Mr. Jingle and Job

had gone out together, that their luggage was packed up, and that they had ordered a chaise. The plot was

Halfpast ten o'clock arrived, and it was time for Mr. Pickwick to issue forth on his delicate errand. Resisting

Sam's tender of his greatcoat, in order that he might have no encumbrance in scaling the wall, he set forth,

There was a bright moon, but it was behind the clouds. it was a fine dry night, but it was most uncommonly

dark. Paths, hedges, fields, houses, and trees, were enveloped in one deep shade. The atmosphere was hot and

sultry, the summer lightning quivered faintly on the verge of the horizon, and was the only sight that varied

the dull gloom in which everything was wrapped sound there was none, except the distant barking of some

They found the house, read the brass plate, walked round the wall, and stopped at that portion of it which

'You will return to the inn, Sam, when you have assisted me over,' said Mr. Pickwick.

Having settled these preliminaries, Mr. Pickwick grasped the top of the wall, and gave the word 'Over,' which

was literally obeyed. Whether his body partook in some degree of the elasticity of his mind, or whether Mr.

Weller's notions of a gentle push were of a somewhat rougher description than Mr. Pickwick's, the immediate

effect of his assistance was to jerk that immortal gentleman completely over the wall on to the bed beneath,

where, after crushing three gooseberrybushes and a rosetree, he finally alighted at full length.

'You ha'n't hurt yourself, I hope, Sir?' said Sam, in a loud whisper, as soon as he had recovered from the

'I have not hurt MYSELF, Sam, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, from the other side of the wall, 'but I rather

'Never mind,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising, 'it's nothing but a few scratches. Go away, or we shall be overheard.'

With stealthy steps Sam Weller departed, leaving Mr. Pickwick alone in the garden.

Lights occasionally appeared in the different windows of the house, or glanced from the staircases, as if the

inmates were retiring to rest. Not caring to go too near the door, until the appointed time, Mr. Pickwick

It was a situation which might well have depressed the spirits of many a man. Mr. Pickwick, however, felt

neither depression nor misgiving. He knew that his purpose was in the main a good one, and he placed

implicit reliance on the highminded Job. it was dull, certainly; not to say dreary; but a contemplative man

can always employ himself in meditation. Mr. Pickwick had meditated himself into a doze, when he was

roused by the chimes of the neighbouring church ringing out the hourhalfpast eleven.

'That's the time,' thought Mr. Pickwick, getting cautiously on his feet. He looked up at the house. The lights

had disappeared, and the shutters were closedall in bed, no doubt. He walked on tiptoe to the door, and

gave a gentle tap. Two or three minutes passing without any reply, he gave another tap rather louder, and then

At length the sound of feet was audible upon the stairs, and then the light of a candle shone through the

keyhole of the door. There was a good deal of unchaining and unbolting, and the door was slowly opened.

Now the door opened outwards; and as the door opened wider and wider, Mr. Pickwick receded behind it,

more and more. What was his astonishment when he just peeped out, by way of caution, to see that the person

who had opened it wasnot Job Trotter, but a servantgirl with a candle in her hand! Mr. Pickwick drew in

his head again, with the swiftness displayed by that admirable melodramatic performer, Punch, when he lies

'It must have been the cat, Sarah,' said the girl, addressing herself to some one in the house. 'Puss, puss,

But no animal being decoyed by these blandishments, the girl slowly closed the door, and refastened it;

'This is very curious,' thought Mr. Pickwick. 'They are sitting up beyond their usual hour, I suppose.

Extremely unfortunate, that they should have chosen this night, of all others, for such a

purposeexceedingly.' And with these thoughts, Mr. Pickwick cautiously retired to the angle of the wall in

which he had been before ensconced; waiting until such time as he might deem it safe to repeat the signal.

He had not been here five minutes, when a vivid flash of lightning was followed by a loud peal of thunder

that crashed and rolled away in the distance with a terrific noise then came another flash of lightning,

brighter than the other, and a second peal of thunder louder than the first; and then down came the rain, with a

Mr. Pickwick was perfectly aware that a tree is a very dangerous neighbour in a thunderstorm. He had a tree

on his right, a tree on his left, a third before him, and a fourth behind. If he remained where he was, he might

fall the victim of an accident; if he showed himself in the centre of the garden, he might be consigned to a

constable. Once or twice he tried to scale the wall, but having no other legs this time, than those with which

Nature had furnished him, the only effect of his struggles was to inflict a variety of very unpleasant gratings

on his knees and shins, and to throw him into a state of the most profuse perspiration.

'What a dreadful situation,' said Mr. Pickwick, pausing to wipe his brow after this exercise. He looked up at

the houseall was dark. They must be gone to bed now. He would try the signal again.

He walked on tiptoe across the moist gravel, and tapped at the door. He held his breath, and listened at the

keyhole. No reply: very odd. Another knock. He listened again. There was a low whispering inside, and

'That's not Job,' thought Mr. Pickwick, hastily drawing himself straight up against the wall again. 'It's a

He had scarcely had time to form this conclusion, when a window above stairs was thrown up, and three or

Mr. Pickwick dared not move hand or foot. It was clear that the whole establishment was roused. He made up

his mind to remain where he was, until the alarm had subsided; and then by a supernatural effort, to get over

Like all Mr. Pickwick's determinations, this was the best that could be made under the circumstances; but,

unfortunately, it was founded upon the assumption that they would not venture to open the door again. What

was his discomfiture, when he heard the chain and bolts withdrawn, and saw the door slowly opening, wider

and wider! He retreated into the corner, step by step; but do what he would, the interposition of his own

'Who's there?' screamed a numerous chorus of treble voices from the staircase inside, consisting of the

spinster lady of the establishment, three teachers, five female servants, and thirty boarders, all halfdressed

Of course Mr. Pickwick didn't say who was there: and then the burden of the chorus changed into'Lor! I

'Cook,' said the lady abbess, who took care to be on the top stair, the very last of the group'cook, why don't

you go a little way into the garden?' 'Please, ma'am, I don't like,' responded the cook.

'Cook,' said the lady abbess, with great dignity; 'don't answer me, if you please. I insist upon your looking

Here the cook began to cry, and the housemaid said it was 'a shame!' for which partisanship she received a

The unfortunate cook, thus strongly urged, advanced a step or two, and holding her candle just where it

prevented her from seeing at all, declared there was nothing there, and it must have been the wind. The door

was just going to be closed in consequence, when an inquisitive boarder, who had been peeping between the

hinges, set up a fearful screaming, which called back the cook and housemaid, and all the more adventurous,

'What is the matter with Miss Smithers?' said the lady abbess, as the aforesaid Miss Smithers proceeded to go

The lady abbess no sooner heard this appalling cry, than she retreated to her own bedroom, doublelocked

the door, and fainted away comfortably. The boarders, and the teachers, and the servants, fell back upon the

stairs, and upon each other; and never was such a screaming, and fainting, and struggling beheld. In the midst

of the tumult, Mr. Pickwick emerged from his concealment, and presented himself amongst them.

'Oh. he says we're dear,' cried the oldest and ugliest teacher. 'Oh, the wretch!'

'Ladies,' roared Mr. Pickwick, rendered desperate by the danger of his situation. 'Hear me. I am no robber. I

'Oh, what a ferocious monster!' screamed another teacher. 'He wants Miss Tomkins.'

'Don'tdon't,' shouted Mr. Pickwick. 'Look at me. Do I look like a robber! My dear ladiesyou may bind

me hand and leg, or lock me up in a closet, if you like. Only hear what I have got to sayonly hear me.'

'Call the lady of the house, and I'll tell her everything,' said Mr. Pickwick, exerting his lungs to the utmost

It might have been Mr. Pickwick's appearance, or it might have been his manner, or it might have been the

temptation irresistible to a female mindof hearing something at present enveloped in mystery, that

reduced the more reasonable portion of the establishment (some four individuals) to a state of comparative

quiet. By them it was proposed, as a test of Mr. Pickwick's sincerity, that he should immediately submit to

personal restraint; and that gentleman having consented to hold a conference with Miss Tomkins, from the

interior of a closet in which the day boarders hung their bonnets and sandwichbags, he at once stepped into

it, of his own accord, and was securely locked in. This revived the others; and Miss Tomkins having been

'I came to warn you that one of your young ladies was going to elope tonight,' replied Mr. Pickwick, from

'Elope!' exclaimed Miss Tomkins, the three teachers, the thirty boarders, and the five servants. 'Who with?'

'Then, I have been deceived, and deluded,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I have been the victim of a conspiracya foul

and base conspiracy. Send to the Angel, my dear ma'am, if you don't believe me. Send to the Angel for Mr.

'He must be respectablehe keeps a manservant,' said Miss Tomkins to the writing and ciphering governess.

'It's my opinion, Miss Tomkins,' said the writing and ciphering governess, 'that his manservant keeps him, I

'I think you are very right, Miss Gwynn,' responded Miss Tomkins. 'Let two of the servants repair to the

So two of the servants were despatched to the Angel in search of Mr. Samuel Weller; and the remaining three

stopped behind to protect Miss Tomkins, and the three teachers, and the thirty boarders. And Mr. Pickwick

sat down in the closet, beneath a grove of sandwichbags, and awaited the return of the messengers, with all

An hour and a half elapsed before they came back, and when they did come, Mr. Pickwick recognised, in

addition to the voice of Mr. Samuel Weller, two other voices, the tones of which struck familiarly on his ear;

A very brief conversation ensued. The door was unlocked. Mr. Pickwick stepped out of the closet, and found

himself in the presence of the whole establishment of Westgate House, Mr Samuel Weller, andold Wardle,

'My dear friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, running forward and grasping Wardle's hand, 'my dear friend, pray, for

Heaven's sake, explain to this lady the unfortunate and dreadful situation in which I am placed. You must

have heard it from my servant; say, at all events, my dear fellow, that I am neither a robber nor a madman.'

'I have said so, my dear friend. I have said so already,' replied Mr. Wardle, shaking the right hand of his

friend, while Mr. Trundle shook the left. 'And whoever says, or has said, he is,' interposed Mr. Weller,

stepping forward, 'says that which is not the truth, but so far from it, on the contrary, quite the rewerse. And if

there's any number o' men on these here premises as has said so, I shall be wery happy to give 'em all a wery

convincing proof o' their being mistaken, in this here wery room, if these wery respectable ladies 'll have the

goodness to retire, and order 'em up, one at a time.' Having delivered this defiance with great volubility, Mr.

Weller struck his open palm emphatically with his clenched fist, and winked pleasantly on Miss Tomkins, the

intensity of whose horror at his supposing it within the bounds of possibility that there could be any men on

the premises of Westgate House Establishment for Young Ladies, it is impossible to describe.

Mr. Pickwick's explanation having already been partially made, was soon concluded. But neither in the

course of his walk home with his friends, nor afterwards when seated before a blazing fire at the supper he so

much needed, could a single observation be drawn from him. He seemed bewildered and amazed. Once, and

'Trundle and I came down here, for some good shooting on the first,' replied Wardle. 'We arrived tonight,

and were astonished to hear from your servant that you were here too. But I am glad you are,' said the old

fellow, slapping him on the back'I am glad you are. We shall have a jovial party on the first, and we'll give

Mr. Pickwick made no reply, he did not even ask after his friends at Dingley Dell, and shortly afterwards

retired for the night, desiring Sam to fetch his candle when he rung. The bell did ring in due course, and Mr.

'Friend or master, or whatever he is, he's gone with him,' replied Mr. Weller. 'There's a pair on 'em, sir.'

'Jingle suspected my design, and set that fellow on you, with this story, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, half

'I don't think he'll escape us quite so easily the next time, Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick.

'Whenever I meet that Jingle again, wherever it is,' said Mr. Pickwick, raising himself in bed, and indenting

his pillow with a tremendous blow, 'I'll inflict personal chastisement on him, in addition to the exposure he so

'And venever I catches hold o' that there melancholly chap with the black hair,' said Sam, 'if I don't bring

some real water into his eyes, for once in a way, my name ain't Weller. Good night, Sir!'

The constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to sustain a very considerable amount of exertion and fatigue,

was not proof against such a combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night, recorded in

the last chapter. The process of being washed in the night air, and roughdried in a closet, is as dangerous as

But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired, his mental energies retained their

pristine vigour. His spirits were elastic; his goodhumour was restored. Even the vexation consequent upon

his recent adventure had vanished from his mind; and he could join in the hearty laughter, which any allusion

to it excited in Mr. Wardle, without anger and without embarrassment. Nay, more. During the two days Mr.

Pickwick was confined to bed, Sam was his constant attendant. On the first, he endeavoured to amuse his

master by anecdote and conversation; on the second, Mr. Pickwick demanded his writingdesk, and pen and

ink, and was deeply engaged during the whole day. On the third, being able to sit up in his bedchamber, he

despatched his valet with a message to Mr. Wardle and Mr. Trundle, intimating that if they would take their

wine there, that evening, they would greatly oblige him. The invitation was most willingly accepted; and

when they were seated over their wine, Mr. Pickwick, with sundry blushes, produced the following little tale,

as having been 'edited' by himself, during his recent indisposition, from his notes of Mr. Weller's

'Once upon a time, in a very small country town, at a considerable distance from London, there lived a little

man named Nathaniel Pipkin, who was the parish clerk of the little town, and lived in a little house in the

little High Street, within ten minutes' walk from the little church; and who was to be found every day, from

nine till four, teaching a little learning to the little boys. Nathaniel Pipkin was a harmless, inoffensive,

goodnatured being, with a turnedup nose, and rather turnedin legs, a cast in his eye, and a halt in his gait;

and he divided his time between the church and his school, verily believing that there existed not, on the face

of the earth, so clever a man as the curate, so imposing an apartment as the vestryroom, or so wellordered

a seminary as his own. Once, and only once, in his life, Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a bishopa real bishop,

with his arms in lawn sleeves, and his head in a wig. He had seen him walk, and heard him talk, at a

confirmation, on which momentous occasion Nathaniel Pipkin was so overcome with reverence and awe,

when the aforesaid bishop laid his hand on his head, that he fainted right clean away, and was borne out of

'This was a great event, a tremendous era, in Nathaniel Pipkin's life, and it was the only one that had ever

occurred to ruffle the smooth current of his quiet existence, when happening one fine afternoon, in a fit of

mental abstraction, to raise his eyes from the slate on which he was devising some tremendous problem in

compound addition for an offending urchin to solve, they suddenly rested on the blooming countenance of

Maria Lobbs, the only daughter of old Lobbs, the great saddler over the way. Now, the eyes of Mr. Pipkin

had rested on the pretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at church and elsewhere; but the

eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright, the cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy, as

upon this particular occasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin was unable to take his eyes from the

CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS 155

countenance of Miss Lobbs; no wonder that Miss Lobbs, finding herself stared at by a young man, withdrew

her head from the window out of which she had been peeping, and shut the casement and pulled down the

blind; no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin, immediately thereafter, fell upon the young urchin who had

previously offended, and cuffed and knocked him about to his heart's content. All this was very natural, and

'It IS matter of wonder, though, that anyone of Mr. Nathaniel Pipkin's retiring disposition, nervous

temperament, and most particularly diminutive income, should from this day forth, have dared to aspire to the

hand and heart of the only daughter of the fiery old Lobbsof old Lobbs, the great saddler, who could have

bought up the whole village at one stroke of his pen, and never felt the outlayold Lobbs, who was well

known to have heaps of money, invested in the bank at the nearest market townwho was reported to have

countless and inexhaustible treasures hoarded up in the little iron safe with the big keyhole, over the

chimneypiece in the back parlourand who, it was well known, on festive occasions garnished his board

with a real silver teapot, creamewer, and sugarbasin, which he was wont, in the pride of his heart, to boast

should be his daughter's property when she found a man to her mind. I repeat it, to be matter of profound

astonishment and intense wonder, that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast his eyes in this

direction. But love is blind; and Nathaniel had a cast in his eye; and perhaps these two circumstances, taken

'Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea of the state of the affections of Nathaniel

Pipkin, he would just have razed the schoolroom to the ground, or exterminated its master from the surface

of the earth, or committed some other outrage and atrocity of an equally ferocious and violent description; for

he was a terrible old fellow, was Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or his blood was up. Swear! Such trains

of oaths would come rolling and pealing over the way, sometimes, when he was denouncing the idleness of

the bony apprentice with the thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his shoes with horror, and the

'Well! Day after day, when school was over, and the pupils gone, did Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the

front window, and, while he feigned to be reading a book, throw sidelong glances over the way in search of

the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; and he hadn't sat there many days, before the bright eyes appeared at an

upper window, apparently deeply engaged in reading too. This was delightful, and gladdening to the heart of

Nathaniel Pipkin. It was something to sit there for hours together, and look upon that pretty face when the

eyes were cast down; but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book, and dart their rays in the

direction of Nathaniel Pipkin, his delight and admiration were perfectly boundless. At last, one day when he

knew old Lobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand to Maria Lobbs; and Maria

Lobbs, instead of shutting the window, and pulling down the blind, kissed HERS to him, and smiled. Upon

which Nathaniel Pipkin determined, that, come what might, he would develop the state of his feelings,

'A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled face, or a smarter form, never bounded so lightly over the earth

they graced, as did those of Maria Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. There was a roguish twinkle in her

sparkling eyes, that would have made its way to far less susceptible bosoms than that of Nathaniel Pipkin;

and there was such a joyous sound in her merry laugh, that the sternest misanthrope must have smiled to hear

it. Even old Lobbs himself, in the very height of his ferocity, couldn't resist the coaxing of his pretty

daughter; and when she, and her cousin Katean arch, impudentlooking, bewitching little personmade a

dead set upon the old man together, as, to say the truth, they very often did, he could have refused them

nothing, even had they asked for a portion of the countless and inexhaustible treasures, which were hidden

'Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, when he saw this enticing little couple some hundred yards

before him one summer's evening, in the very field in which he had many a time strolled about till

CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS 156

nighttime, and pondered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs. But though he had often thought then, how briskly

he would walk up to Maria Lobbs and tell her of his passion if he could only meet her, he felt, now that she

was unexpectedly before him, all the blood in his body mounting to his face, manifestly to the great detriment

of his legs, which, deprived of their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When they stopped to gather a

hedge flower, or listen to a bird, Nathaniel Pipkin stopped too, and pretended to be absorbed in meditation, as

indeed he really was; for he was thinking what on earth he should ever do, when they turned back, as they

inevitably must in time, and meet him face to face. But though he was afraid to make up to them, he couldn't

bear to lose sight of them; so when they walked faster he walked faster, when they lingered he lingered, and

when they stopped he stopped; and so they might have gone on, until the darkness prevented them, if Kate

had not looked slyly back, and encouragingly beckoned Nathaniel to advance. There was something in Kate's

manner that was not to be resisted, and so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation; and after a great

deal of blushing on his part, and immoderate laughter on that of the wicked little cousin, Nathaniel Pipkin

went down on his knees on the dewy grass, and declared his resolution to remain there for ever, unless he

were permitted to rise the accepted lover of Maria Lobbs. Upon this, the merry laughter of Miss Lobbs rang

through the calm evening air without seeming to disturb it, though; it had such a pleasant soundand the

wicked little cousin laughed more immoderately than before, and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever.

At length, Maria Lobbs being more strenuously urged by the love worn little man, turned away her head,

and whispered her cousin to say, or at all events Kate did say, that she felt much honoured by Mr. Pipkin's

addresses; that her hand and heart were at her father's disposal; but that nobody could be insensible to Mr.

Pipkin's merits. As all this was said with much gravity, and as Nathaniel Pipkin walked home with Maria

Lobbs, and struggled for a kiss at parting, he went to bed a happy man, and dreamed all night long, of

The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his old gray pony, and after a great many signs at

the window from the wicked little cousin, the object and meaning of which he could by no means understand,

the bony apprentice with the thin legs came over to say that his master wasn't coming home all night, and that

the ladies expected Mr. Pipkin to tea, at six o'clock precisely. How the lessons were got through that day,

neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupils knew any more than you do; but they were got through somehow, and,

after the boys had gone, Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six o'clock to dress himself to his satisfaction. Not that

it took long to select the garments he should wear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter; but the

putting of them on to the best advantage, and the touching of them up previously, was a task of no

'There was a very snug little party, consisting of Maria Lobbs and her cousin Kate, and three or four romping,

goodhumoured, rosycheeked girls. Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact, that the rumours

of old Lobbs's treasures were not exaggerated. There were the real solid silver teapot, creamewer, and

sugarbasin, on the table, and real silver spoons to stir the tea with, and real china cups to drink it out of, and

plates of the same, to hold the cakes and toast in. The only eyesore in the whole place was another cousin of

Maria Lobbs's, and a brother of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs called "Henry," and who seemed to keep Maria

Lobbs all to himself, up in one corner of the table. It's a delightful thing to see affection in families, but it

may be carried rather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin could not help thinking that Maria Lobbs must be very

particularly fond of her relations, if she paid as much attention to all of them as to this individual cousin.

After tea, too, when the wicked little cousin proposed a game at blind man's buff, it somehow or other

happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly always blind, and whenever he laid his hand upon the male

cousin, he was sure to find that Maria Lobbs was not far off. And though the wicked little cousin and the

other girls pinched him, and pulled his hair, and pushed chairs in his way, and all sorts of things, Maria Lobbs

never seemed to come near him at all; and onceonceNathaniel Pipkin could have sworn he heard the

sound of a kiss, followed by a faint remonstrance from Maria Lobbs, and a half suppressed laugh from her

female friends. All this was odd very oddand there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin might or might

not have done, in consequence, if his thoughts had not been suddenly directed into a new channel.

CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS 157

'The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel was a loud knocking at the street door, and

the person who made this loud knocking at the street door was no other than old Lobbs himself, who had

unexpectedly returned, and was hammering away, like a coffinmaker; for he wanted his supper. The

alarming intelligence was no sooner communicated by the bony apprentice with the thin legs, than the girls

tripped upstairs to Maria Lobbs's bedroom, and the male cousin and Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a

couple of closets in the sittingroom, for want of any better places of concealment; and when Maria Lobbs

and the wicked little cousin had stowed them away, and put the room to rights, they opened the street door to

'Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs being very hungry was monstrous cross. Nathaniel Pipkin

could hear him growling away like an old mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever the unfortunate apprentice

with the thin legs came into the room, so surely did old Lobbs commence swearing at him in a most

Saracenic and ferocious manner, though apparently with no other end or object than that of easing his bosom

by the discharge of a few superfluous oaths. At length some supper, which had been warming up, was placed

on the table, and then old Lobbs fell to, in regular style; and having made clear work of it in no time, kissed

'Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in very close juxtaposition, but when he heard old Lobbs demand

his pipe, they knocked together, as if they were going to reduce each other to powder; for, depending from a

couple of hooks, in the very closet in which he stood, was a large, brownstemmed, silver bowled pipe,

which pipe he himself had seen in the mouth of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoon and evening, for the last

five years. The two girls went downstairs for the pipe, and upstairs for the pipe, and everywhere but where

they knew the pipe was, and old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile, in the most wonderful manner. At last he

thought of the closet, and walked up to it. It was of no use a little man like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the door

inwards, when a great strong fellow like old Lobbs was pulling it outwards. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, and

open it flew, disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside, and shaking with apprehension from

head to foot. Bless us! what an appalling look old Lobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the collar, and

'Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old Lobbs shook him backwards and forwards, for two or three

'"What do you want here?" roared Lobbs; "I suppose you have come after my daughter, now!"

'Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did not believe that mortal presumption could have carried

Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What was his indignation, when that poor man replied '"Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs, I

'"Why, you snivelling, wryfaced, puny villain," gasped old Lobbs, paralysed by the atrocious confession;

'It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried his threat into execution, in the excess of his

rage, if his arm had not been stayed by a very unexpected apparition: to wit, the male cousin, who, stepping

'"I cannot allow this harmless person, Sir, who has been asked here, in some girlish frolic, to take upon

himself, in a very noble manner, the fault (if fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am ready to avow. I love

CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS 158

'Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but not wider than Nathaniel Pipkin.

'I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs, but I think he would have struck the cousin, if his pretty daughter, with

'"Don't stop him, Maria," said the young man; "if he has the will to strike me, let him. I would not hurt a hair

'The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, and they met those of his daughter. I have hinted once or

twice before, that they were very bright eyes, and, though they were tearful now, their influence was by no

means lessened. Old Lobbs turned his head away, as if to avoid being persuaded by them, when, as fortune

would have it, he encountered the face of the wicked little cousin, who, half afraid for her brother, and half

laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as bewitching an expression of countenance, with a touch of slyness

in it, too, as any man, old or young, need look upon. She drew her arm coaxingly through the old man's, and

whispered something in his ear; and do what he would, old Lobbs couldn't help breaking out into a smile,

while a tear stole down his cheek at the same time. 'Five minutes after this, the girls were brought down from

the bedroom with a great deal of giggling and modesty; and while the young people were making themselves

perfectly happy, old Lobbs got down the pipe, and smoked it; and it was a remarkable circumstance about

that particular pipe of tobacco, that it was the most soothing and delightful one he ever smoked.

'Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel, and by so doing gradually rose into high favour

with old Lobbs. who taught him to smoke in time; and they used to sit out in the garden on the fine evenings,

for many years afterwards, smoking and drinking in great state. He soon recovered the effects of his

attachment, for we find his name in the parish register, as a witness to the marriage of Maria Lobbs to her

cousin; and it also appears, by reference to other documents, that on the night of the wedding he was

incarcerated in the village cage, for having, in a state of extreme intoxication, committed sundry excesses in

the streets, in all of which he was aided and abetted by the bony apprentice with the thin legs.'

For two days after the DEJEUNE at Mrs. Hunter's, the Pickwickians remained at Eatanswill, anxiously

awaiting the arrival of some intelligence from their revered leader. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were once

again left to their own means of amusement; for Mr. Winkle, in compliance with a most pressing invitation,

continued to reside at Mr. Pott's house, and to devote his time to the companionship of his amiable lady. Nor

was the occasional society of Mr. Pott himself wanting to complete their felicity. Deeply immersed in the

intensity of his speculations for the public weal and the destruction of the INDEPENDENT, it was not the

habit of that great man to descend from his mental pinnacle to the humble level of ordinary minds. On this

occasion, however, and as if expressly in compliment to any follower of Mr. Pickwick's, he unbent, relaxed,

stepped down from his pedestal, and walked upon the ground, benignly adapting his remarks to the

comprehension of the herd, and seeming in outward form, if not in spirit, to be one of them.

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 159

Such having been the demeanour of this celebrated public character towards Mr. Winkle, it will be readily

imagined that considerable surprise was depicted on the countenance of the latter gentleman, when, as he was

sitting alone in the breakfast room, the door was hastily thrown open, and as hastily closed, on the entrance

of Mr. Pott, who, stalking majestically towards him, and thrusting aside his proffered hand, ground his teeth,

as if to put a sharper edge on what he was about to utter, and exclaimed, in a sawlike voice

'Serpent, Sir,' repeated Mr. Pott, raising his voice, and then suddenly depressing it: 'I said, serpent, sirmake

When you have parted with a man at two o'clock in the morning, on terms of the utmost goodfellowship,

and he meets you again, at halfpast nine, and greets you as a serpent, it is not unreasonable to conclude that

something of an unpleasant nature has occurred meanwhile. So Mr. Winkle thought. He returned Mr. Pott's

gaze of stone, and in compliance with that gentleman's request, proceeded to make the most he could of the

'serpent.' The most, however, was nothing at all; so, after a profound silence of some minutes' duration, he

'Pleasantry, sir!' exclaimed Pott, with a motion of the hand, indicative of a strong desire to hurl the Britannia

metal teapot at the head of the visitor. 'Pleasantry, sir!Butno, I will be calm; I will be calm, Sir;' in proof

'DEAR Sir!' replied Pott. 'How dare you address me, as dear Sir, Sir? How dare you look me in the face and

'Well, Sir, if you come to that,' responded Mr. Winkle, 'how dare you look me in the face, and call me a

A malignant scowl passed over the profound face of the editor, as he drew from his pocket the

INDEPENDENT of that morning; and laying his finger on a particular paragraph, threw the journal across the

'Our obscure and filthy contemporary, in some disgusting observations on the recent election for this

borough, has presumed to violate the hallowed sanctity of private life, and to refer,

in a manner not to be misunderstood, to the personal affairs of our late candidateaye, and notwithstanding

his base defeat, we will add, our future member, Mr. Fizkin. What does our dastardly contemporary mean?

What would the ruffian say, if we, setting at naught, like him, the decencies of social intercourse, were to

raise the curtain which happily conceals His private life from general ridicule, not to say from general

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 160

execration? What, if we were even to point out, and comment on, facts and circumstances, which are publicly

notorious, and beheld by every one but our moleeyed contemporarywhat if we were to print the following

effusion, which we received while we were writing the commencement of this article, from a talented

'"Oh Pott! if you'd known How false she'd have grown, When you heard the marriage bells tinkle; You'd have

'What rhymes to tinkle?' said Mrs. Pott, whose entrance at the moment forestalled the reply. 'What rhymes to

tinkle? Why, Winkle, I should conceive.' Saying this, Mrs. Pott smiled sweetly on the disturbed Pickwickian,

and extended her hand towards him. The agitated young man would have accepted it, in his confusion, had

'Wretched woman, look here,' exclaimed the husband. 'Look here, ma'am"Lines to a Brass Pot." "Brass

Pot"; that's me, ma'am. "False SHE'D have grown"; that's you, ma'amyou.' With this ebullition of rage,

which was not unaccompanied with something like a tremble, at the expression of his wife's face, Mr. Pott

'Upon my word, Sir,' said the astonished Mrs. Pott, stooping to pick up the paper. 'Upon my word, Sir!'

Mr. Pott winced beneath the contemptuous gaze of his wife. He had made a desperate struggle to screw up his

There appears nothing very tremendous in this little sentence, 'Upon my word, sir,' when it comes to be read;

but the tone of voice in which it was delivered, and the look that accompanied it, both seeming to bear

reference to some revenge to be thereafter visited upon the head of Pott, produced their effect upon him. The

most unskilful observer could have detected in his troubled countenance, a readiness to resign his Wellington

boots to any efficient substitute who would have consented to stand in them at that moment.

Mrs. Pott read the paragraph, uttered a loud shriek, and threw herself at full length on the hearthrug,

screaming, and tapping it with the heels of her shoes, in a manner which could leave no doubt of the propriety

'My dear,' said the terrified Pott, 'I didn't say I believed it;I' but the unfortunate man's voice was

'Mrs. Pott, let me entreat you, my dear ma'am, to compose yourself,' said Mr. Winkle; but the shrieks and

'My dear,' said Mr. Pott, 'I'm very sorry. If you won't consider your own health, consider me, my dear. We

shall have a crowd round the house.' But the more strenuously Mr. Pott entreated, the more vehemently the

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 161

Very fortunately, however, attached to Mrs. Pott's person was a bodyguard of one, a young lady whose

ostensible employment was to preside over her toilet, but who rendered herself useful in a variety of ways,

and in none more so than in the particular department of constantly aiding and abetting her mistress in every

wish and inclination opposed to the desires of the unhappy Pott. The screams reached this young lady's ears

in due course, and brought her into the room with a speed which threatened to derange, materially, the very

'Oh, my dear, dear mistress!' exclaimed the bodyguard, kneeling frantically by the side of the prostrate Mrs.

'It's a shame,' said the bodyguard reproachfully. 'I know he'll be the death on you, ma'am. Poor dear thing!'

'Oh, don't leave medon't leave me, Goodwin,' murmured Mrs. Pott, clutching at the wrist of the said

Goodwin with an hysteric jerk. 'You're the only person that's kind to me, Goodwin.'

At this affecting appeal, Goodwin got up a little domestic tragedy of her own, and shed tears copiously.

'Never, ma'amnever,' said Goodwin.'Oh, sir, you should be carefulyou should indeed; you don't know

what harm you may do missis; you'll be sorry for it one day, I knowI've always said so.'

'If you only knew how I have loved that man' 'Don't distress yourself by recollecting it, ma'am,' said the

'And now,' sobbed Mrs. Pott, 'now, after all, to be treated in this way; to be reproached and insulted in the

presence of a third party, and that party almost a stranger. But I will not submit to it! Goodwin,' continued

Mrs. Pott, raising herself in the arms of her attendant, 'my brother, the lieutenant, shall interfere. I'll be

Whatever thoughts the threat of a separation might have awakened in Mr. Pott's mind, he forbore to give

A fresh train of sobs was the only reply, as Mrs. Pott grew more hysterical, requested to be informed why she

was ever born, and required sundry other pieces of information of a similar description.

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'My dear,' remonstrated Mr. Pott, 'do not give way to these sensitive feelings. I never believed that the

paragraph had any foundation, my dearimpossible. I was only angry, my dearI may say

outrageouswith the INDEPENDENT people for daring to insert it; that's all.' Mr. Pott cast an imploring

look at the innocent cause of the mischief, as if to entreat him to say nothing about the serpent.

'And what steps, sir, do you mean to take to obtain redress?' inquired Mr. Winkle, gaining courage as he saw

'Oh, Goodwin,' observed Mrs. Pott, 'does he mean to horsewhip the editor of the INDEPENDENTdoes he,

'Hush, hush, ma'am; pray keep yourself quiet,' replied the bodyguard. 'I dare say he will, if you wish it,

'Certainly,' said Pott, as his wife evinced decided symptoms of going off again. 'Of course I shall.'

'Oh, Goodwin,' resumed Mrs. Pott, 'it's the only way of meeting the slander, and setting me right with the

'Certainly, ma'am,' replied Goodwin. 'No man as is a man, ma'am, could refuse to do it.'

So, as the hysterics were still hovering about, Mr. Pott said once more that he would do it; but Mrs. Pott was

so overcome at the bare idea of having ever been suspected, that she was half a dozen times on the very verge

of a relapse, and most unquestionably would have gone off, had it not been for the indefatigable efforts of the

assiduous Goodwin, and repeated entreaties for pardon from the conquered Pott; and finally, when that

unhappy individual had been frightened and snubbed down to his proper level, Mrs. Pott recovered, and they

'You will not allow this base newspaper slander to shorten your stay here, Mr. Winkle?' said Mrs. Pott,

'I hope not,' said Mr. Pott, actuated, as he spoke, by a wish that his visitor would choke himself with the

morsel of dry toast which he was raising to his lips at the moment, and so terminate his stay effectually.

'You are very good,' said Mr. Winkle; 'but a letter has been received from Mr. Pickwickso I learn by a note

from Mr. Tupman, which was brought up to my bedroom door, this morningin which he requests us to join

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 163

The breakfast passed off in silence, for each of the party was brooding over his, or her, own personal

grievances. Mrs. Pott was regretting the loss of a beau; Mr. Pott his rash pledge to horsewhip the

INDEPENDENT; Mr. Winkle his having innocently placed himself in so awkward a situation. Noon

'If he ever comes back, I'll poison him,' thought Mr. Pott, as he turned into the little back office where he

'If I ever do come back, and mix myself up with these people again,'thought Mr. Winkle, as he wended his

His friends were ready, the coach was nearly so, and in half an hour they were proceeding on their journey,

along the road over which Mr. Pickwick and Sam had so recently travelled, and of which, as we have already

said something, we do not feel called upon to extract Mr. Snodgrass's poetical and beautiful description.

Mr. Weller was standing at the door of the Angel, ready to receive them, and by that gentleman they were

ushered to the apartment of Mr. Pickwick, where, to the no small surprise of Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass,

and the no small embarrassment of Mr. Tupman, they found old Wardle and Trundle.

'How are you?' said the old man, grasping Mr. Tupman's hand. 'Don't hang back, or look sentimental about it;

it can't be helped, old fellow. For her sake, I wish you'd had her; for your own, I'm very glad you have not. A

young fellow like you will do better one of these days, eh?' With this conclusion, Wardle slapped Mr.

'Well, and how are you, my fine fellows?' said the old gentleman, shaking hands with Mr. Winkle and Mr.

Snodgrass at the same time. 'I have just been telling Pickwick that we must have you all down at Christmas.

'Yes, a wedding. But don't be frightened,' said the good humoured old man; 'it's only Trundle there, and

'Oh, is that all?' said Mr. Snodgrass, relieved from a painful doubt which had fallen heavily on his breast.

'Where,' said Mr. Tupman, with an effort'where isSHE, Sir?' and he turned away his head, and covered

his eyes with his hand. 'SHE!' said the old gentleman, with a knowing shake of the head. 'Do you mean my

Mr. Tupman, by a nod, intimated that his question applied to the disappointed Rachael.

'Oh, she's gone away,' said the old gentleman. 'She's living at a relation's, far enough off. She couldn't bear to

see the girls, so I let her go. But come! Here's the dinner. You must be hungry after your ride. I am, without

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 164

Ample justice was done to the meal; and when they were seated round the table, after it had been disposed of,

Mr. Pickwick, to the intense horror and indignation of his followers, related the adventure he had undergone,

and the success which had attended the base artifices of the diabolical Jingle. 'And the attack of rheumatism

which I caught in that garden,' said Mr. Pickwick, in conclusion, 'renders me lame at this moment.'

'I, too, have had something of an adventure,' said Mr. Winkle, with a smile; and, at the request of Mr.

Pickwick, he detailed the malicious libel of the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT, and the consequent excitement

Mr. Pickwick's brow darkened during the recital. His friends observed it, and, when Mr. Winkle had

concluded, maintained a profound silence. Mr. Pickwick struck the table emphatically with his clenched fist,

'Is it not a wonderful circumstance,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that we seem destined to enter no man's house

without involving him in some degree of trouble? Does it not, I ask, bespeak the indiscretion, or, worse than

that, the blackness of heartthat I should say so!of my followers, that, beneath whatever roof they locate,

they disturb the peace of mind and happiness of some confiding female? Is it not, I say'

Mr. Pickwick would in all probability have gone on for some time, had not the entrance of Sam, with a letter,

caused him to break off in his eloquent discourse. He passed his handkerchief across his forehead, took off

his spectacles, wiped them, and put them on again; and his voice had recovered its wonted softness of tone

'Called at the postoffice just now, and found this here letter, as has laid there for two days,' replied Mr.

'I don't know this hand,' said Mr. Pickwick, opening the letter. 'Mercy on us! what's this? It must be a jest;

'Nobody dead, is there?' said Wardle, alarmed at the horror in Mr. Pickwick's countenance.

Mr. Pickwick made no reply, but, pushing the letter across the table, and desiring Mr. Tupman to read it

aloud, fell back in his chair with a look of vacant astonishment quite alarming to behold.

Mr. Tupman, with a trembling voice, read the letter, of which the following is a copy:

Having been instructed by Mrs. Martha Bardell to commence an action against you for a breach of promise of

marriage, for which the plaintiff lays her damages at fifteen hundred pounds, we beg to inform you that a writ

has been issued against you in this suit in the Court of Common Pleas; and request to know, by return of post,

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 165

There was something so impressive in the mute astonishment with which each man regarded his neighbour,

and every man regarded Mr. Pickwick, that all seemed afraid to speak. The silence was at length broken by

'Peace of mind and happiness of confiding females,' murmured Mr. Winkle, with an air of abstraction.

'It's a conspiracy,' said Mr. Pickwick, at length recovering the power of speech; 'a base conspiracy between

these two grasping attorneys, Dodson and Fogg. Mrs. Bardell would never do it; she hasn't the heart to do

it;she hasn't the case to do it. Ridiculousridiculous.' 'Of her heart,' said Wardle, with a smile, 'you should

certainly be the best judge. I don't wish to discourage you, but I should certainly say that, of her case, Dodson

'Who ever heard me address her in any way but that in which a lodger would address his landlady?' continued

Mr. Pickwick, with great vehemence. 'Who ever saw me with her? Not even my friends here'

Mr. Pickwick changed colour. 'Ah,' said Mr. Wardle. 'Well, that's important. There was nothing suspicious

Mr. Tupman glanced timidly at his leader. 'Why,' said he, 'there was nothing suspicious; butI don't know

'Gracious powers!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, as the recollection of the scene in question struck forcibly upon

him; 'what a dreadful instance of the force of circumstances! So she wasso she was.'

'Hollo!' said Wardle; 'for a case in which there's nothing suspicious, this looks rather queereh, Pickwick?

Ah, sly dogsly dog!' and he laughed till the glasses on the sideboard rang again.

'What a dreadful conjunction of appearances!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, resting his chin upon his hands.

'Winkle TupmanI beg your pardon for the observations I made just now. We are all the victims of

circumstances, and I the greatest.' With this apology Mr. Pickwick buried his head in his hands, and

ruminated; while Wardle measured out a regular circle of nods and winks, addressed to the other members of

CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES 166

'I'll have it explained, though,' said Mr. Pickwick, raising his head and hammering the table. 'I'll see this

'Next day is the first of September, and you're pledged to ride out with us, as far as Sir Geoffrey Manning's

Mr. Weller left the room, and departed slowly on his errand, with his hands in his pocket and his eyes fixed

'Rum feller, the hemperor,' said Mr. Weller, as he walked slowly up the street. 'Think o' his makin' up to that

'ere Mrs. Bardellvith a little boy, too! Always the vay vith these here old 'uns howsoever, as is such steady

goers to look at. I didn't think he'd ha' done it, thoughI didn't think he'd ha' done it!' Moralising in this

The birds, who, happily for their own peace of mind and personal comfort, were in blissful ignorance of the

preparations which had been making to astonish them, on the first of September, hailed it, no doubt, as one of

the pleasantest mornings they had seen that season. Many a young partridge who strutted complacently

among the stubble, with all the finicking coxcombry of youth, and many an older one who watched his levity

out of his little round eye, with the contemptuous air of a bird of wisdom and experience, alike unconscious

of their approaching doom, basked in the fresh morning air with lively and blithesome feelings, and a few

hours afterwards were laid low upon the earth. But we grow affecting: let us proceed.

In plain commonplace matteroffact, then, it was a fine morningso fine that you would scarcely have

believed that the few months of an English summer had yet flown by. Hedges, fields, and trees, hill and

moorland, presented to the eye their evervarying shades of deep rich green; scarce a leaf had fallen, scarce a

sprinkle of yellow mingled with the hues of summer, warned you that autumn had begun. The sky was

cloudless; the sun shone out bright and warm; the songs of birds, the hum of myriads of summer insects,

filled the air; and the cottage gardens, crowded with flowers of every rich and beautiful tint, sparkled, in the

heavy dew, like beds of glittering jewels. Everything bore the stamp of summer, and none of its beautiful

Such was the morning, when an open carriage, in which were three Pickwickians (Mr. Snodgrass having

preferred to remain at home), Mr. Wardle, and Mr. Trundle, with Sam Weller on the box beside the driver,

pulled up by a gate at the roadside, before which stood a tall, rawboned gamekeeper, and a halfbooted,

leatherlegginged boy, each bearing a bag of capacious dimensions, and accompanied by a brace of pointers.

'I say,' whispered Mr. Winkle to Wardle, as the man let down the steps, 'they don't suppose we're going to kill

'Fill them!' exclaimed old Wardle. 'Bless you, yes! You shall fill one, and I the other; and when we've done

Mr. Winkle dismounted without saying anything in reply to this observation; but he thought within himself,

that if the party remained in the open air, till he had filled one of the bags, they stood a considerable chance

'Hi, Juno, lasshi, old girl; down, Daph, down,' said Wardle, caressing the dogs. 'Sir Geoffrey still in

The tall gamekeeper replied in the affirmative, and looked with some surprise from Mr. Winkle, who was

holding his gun as if he wished his coat pocket to save him the trouble of pulling the trigger, to Mr. Tupman,

who was holding his as if he was afraid of itas there is no earthly reason to doubt he really was.

'My friends are not much in the way of this sort of thing yet, Martin,' said Wardle, noticing the look. 'Live

and learn, you know. They'll be good shots one of these days. I beg my friend Winkle's pardon, though; he

Mr. Winkle smiled feebly over his blue neckerchief in acknowledgment of the compliment, and got himself

so mysteriously entangled with his gun, in his modest confusion, that if the piece had been loaded, he must

'You mustn't handle your piece in that 'ere way, when you come to have the charge in it, Sir,' said the tall

Mr. Winkle, thus admonished, abruptly altered his position, and in so doing, contrived to bring the barrel into

'Hollo!' said Sam, picking up his hat, which had been knocked off, and rubbing his temple. 'Hollo, sir! if you

comes it this vay, you'll fill one o' them bags, and something to spare, at one fire.'

Here the leatherlegginged boy laughed very heartily, and then tried to look as if it was somebody else,

'Where did you tell the boy to meet us with the snack, Martin?' inquired Wardle.

'No, Sir; but it's close by it. It's Captain Boldwig's land; but there'll be nobody to interrupt us, and there's a

'Very well,' said old Wardle. 'Now the sooner we're off the better. Will you join us at twelve, then, Pickwick?'

Mr. Pickwick was particularly desirous to view the sport, the more especially as he was rather anxious in

respect of Mr. Winkle's life and limbs. On so inviting a morning, too, it was very tantalising to turn back, and

leave his friends to enjoy themselves. It was, therefore, with a very rueful air that he replied

'There's a barrow t'other side the hedge,' said the boy. 'If the gentleman's servant would wheel along the paths,

'The wery thing,' said Mr. Weller, who was a party interested, inasmuch as he ardently longed to see the

But here a difficulty arose. The long gamekeeper resolutely protested against the introduction into a shooting

party, of a gentleman in a barrow, as a gross violation of all established rules and precedents. It was a great

objection, but not an insurmountable one. The gamekeeper having been coaxed and feed, and having,

moreover, eased his mind by 'punching' the head of the inventive youth who had first suggested the use of the

machine, Mr. Pickwick was placed in it, and off the party set; Wardle and the long gamekeeper leading the

'I won't suffer this barrow to be moved another step,' said Mr. Pickwick, resolutely, 'unless Winkle carries

'How AM I to carry it?' said the wretched Winkle. 'Carry it with the muzzle to the ground,' replied Mr.

'I don't care whether it's unsportsmanlike or not,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I am not going to be shot in a

'I know the gentleman'll put that 'ere charge into somebody afore he's done,' growled the long man.

'Well, wellI don't mind,' said poor Winkle, turning his gun stock uppermost'there.'

'Not as you are carrying it,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am very sorry to make any further objection, but I cannot

'I think you had better, sir,' said the long gamekeeper, 'or you're quite as likely to lodge the charge in yourself

Mr. Tupman, with the most obliging haste, placed his piece in the position required, and the party moved on

again; the two amateurs marching with reversed arms, like a couple of privates at a royal funeral.

The dogs suddenly came to a dead stop, and the party advancing stealthily a single pace, stopped too.

'What's the matter with the dogs' legs?' whispered Mr. Winkle. 'How queer they're standing.'

'Hush, can't you?' replied Wardle softly. 'Don't you see, they're making a point?'

'Making a point!' said Mr. Winkle, staring about him, as if he expected to discover some particular beauty in

the landscape, which the sagacious animals were calling special attention to. 'Making a point! What are they

'Keep your eyes open,' said Wardle, not heeding the question in the excitement of the moment. 'Now then.'

There was a sharp whirring noise, that made Mr. Winkle start back as if he had been shot himself. Bang,

bang, went a couple of gunsthe smoke swept quickly away over the field, and curled into the air.

'Where are they!' said Mr. Winkle, in a state of the highest excitement, turning round and round in all

directions. 'Where are they? Tell me when to fire. Where are theywhere are they?'

'Where are they!' said Wardle, taking up a brace of birds which the dogs had deposited at his feet. 'Why, here

'We shall very likely be up with another covey in five minutes,' said the long gamekeeper. 'If the gentleman

begins to fire now, perhaps he'll just get the shot out of the barrel by the time they rise.'

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, compassionating his follower's confusion and embarrassment.

'Certainly not, Sir.' So, by way of indemnification, Mr. Weller contorted his features from behind the

wheelbarrow, for the exclusive amusement of the boy with the leggings, who thereupon burst into a

boisterous laugh, and was summarily cuffed by the long gamekeeper, who wanted a pretext for turning round,

'Bravo, old fellow!' said Wardle to Mr. Tupman; 'you fired that time, at all events.'

'Well done. You'll hit something next time, if you look sharp. Very easy, ain't it?'

'Yes, it's very easy,' said Mr. Tupman. 'How it hurts one's shoulder, though. It nearly knocked me backwards.

'Ah,' said the old gentleman, smiling, 'you'll get used to it in time. Now thenall readyall right with the

'Keep that barrow back now,' cried Wardle, when it had been hoisted over a stile into another field, and Mr.

'Now, Winkle,' said the old gentleman, 'follow me softly, and don't be too late this time.'

'No, no; not now. Quietly now, quietly.' On they crept, and very quietly they would have advanced, if Mr.

Winkle, in the performance of some very intricate evolutions with his gun, had not accidentally fired, at the

most critical moment, over the boy's head, exactly in the very spot where the tall man's brain would have

'Why, what on earth did you do that for?' said old Wardle, as the birds flew unharmed away.

'I never saw such a gun in my life,' replied poor Mr. Winkle, looking at the lock, as if that would do any good.

'Will do it!' echoed Wardle, with something of irritation in his manner. 'I wish it would kill something of its

'It'll do that afore long, Sir,' observed the tall man, in a low, prophetic voice.

'Never mind, Sir, never mind,' replied the long gamekeeper; 'I've no family myself, sir; and this here boy's

mother will get something handsome from Sir Geoffrey, if he's killed on his land. Load again, Sir, load

'Take away his gun,' cried Mr. Pickwick from the barrow, horrorstricken at the long man's dark insinuations.

Nobody, however, volunteered to obey the command; and Mr. Winkle, after darting a rebellious glance at Mr.

We are bound, on the authority of Mr. Pickwick, to state, that Mr. Tupman's mode of proceeding evinced far

more of prudence and deliberation, than that adopted by Mr. Winkle. Still, this by no means detracts from the

great authority of the latter gentleman, on all matters connected with the field; because, as Mr. Pickwick

beautifully observes, it has somehow or other happened, from time immemorial, that many of the best and

ablest philosophers, who have been perfect lights of science in matters of theory, have been wholly unable to

Mr. Tupman's process, like many of our most sublime discoveries, was extremely simple. With the quickness

and penetration of a man of genius, he had at once observed that the two great points to be attained

werefirst, to discharge his piece without injury to himself, and, secondly, to do so, without danger to the

bystandersobviously, the best thing to do, after surmounting the difficulty of firing at all, was to shut his

On one occasion, after performing this feat, Mr. Tupman, on opening his eyes, beheld a plump partridge in

the act of falling, wounded, to the ground. He was on the point of congratulating Mr. Wardle on his invariable

success, when that gentleman advanced towards him, and grasped him warmly by the hand.

'You did,' said Wardle. 'I saw you do itI observed you pick him outI noticed you, as you raised your

piece to take aim; and I will say this, that the best shot in existence could not have done it more beautifully.

You are an older hand at this than I thought you, Tupman; you have been out before.' It was in vain for Mr.

Tupman to protest, with a smile of self denial, that he never had. The very smile was taken as evidence to

the contrary; and from that time forth his reputation was established. It is not the only reputation that has been

acquired as easily, nor are such fortunate circumstances confined to partridgeshooting.

Meanwhile, Mr. Winkle flashed, and blazed, and smoked away, without producing any material results

worthy of being noted down; sometimes expending his charge in midair, and at others sending it skimming

along so near the surface of the ground as to place the lives of the two dogs on a rather uncertain and

precarious tenure. As a display of fancyshooting, it was extremely varied and curious; as an exhibition of

firing with any precise object, it was, upon the whole, perhaps a failure. It is an established axiom, that 'every

bullet has its billet.' If it apply in an equal degree to shot, those of Mr. Winkle were unfortunate foundlings,

deprived of their natural rights, cast loose upon the world, and billeted nowhere. 'Well,' said Wardle, walking

up to the side of the barrow, and wiping the streams of perspiration from his jolly red face; 'smoking day, isn't

'It is, indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. The sun is tremendously hot, even to me. I don't know how you must feel

'Why,' said the old gentleman, 'pretty hot. It's past twelve, though. You see that green hill there?'

'That's the place where we are to lunch; and, by Jove, there's the boy with the basket, punctual as clockwork!'

'So he is,' said Mr. Pickwick, brightening up. 'Good boy, that. I'll give him a shilling, presently. Now, then,

'Hold on, sir,' said Mr. Weller, invigorated with the prospect of refreshments. 'Out of the vay, young leathers.

If you walley my precious life don't upset me, as the gen'l'm'n said to the driver when they was acarryin' him

to Tyburn.' And quickening his pace to a sharp run, Mr. Weller wheeled his master nimbly to the green hill,

shot him dexterously out by the very side of the basket, and proceeded to unpack it with the utmost despatch.

'Weal pie,' said Mr. Weller, soliloquising, as he arranged the eatables on the grass. 'Wery good thing is weal

pie, when you know the lady as made it, and is quite sure it ain't kittens; and arter all though, where's the

odds, when they're so like weal that the wery piemen themselves don't know the difference?'

'Not they, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, touching his hat. 'I lodged in the same house vith a pieman once, sir, and a

wery nice man he wasreg'lar clever chap, toomake pies out o' anything, he could. "What a number o'

cats you keep, Mr. Brooks," says I, when I'd got intimate with him. "Ah," says he, "I doa good many," says

he, "You must be wery fond o' cats," says I. "Other people is," says he, awinkin' at me; "they ain't in season

till the winter though," says he. "Not in season!" says I. "No," says he, "fruits is in, cats is out." "Why, what

do you mean?" says I. "Mean!" says he. "That I'll never be a party to the combination o' the butchers, to keep

up the price o' meat," says he. "Mr. Weller," says he, asqueezing my hand wery hard, and vispering in my

ear"don't mention this here aginbut it's the seasonin' as does it. They're all made o' them noble animals,"

says he, apointin' to a wery nice little tabby kitten, "and I seasons 'em for beefsteak, weal or kidney, 'cording

to the demand. And more than that," says he, "I can make a weal a beefsteak, or a beef steak a kidney, or

any one on 'em a mutton, at a minute's notice, just as the market changes, and appetites wary!"'

'He must have been a very ingenious young man, that, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a slight shudder.

'Just was, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, continuing his occupation of emptying the basket, 'and the pies was

beautiful. Tongue, well that's a wery good thing when it ain't a woman's. Bread knuckle o' ham, reg'lar

pictercold beef in slices, wery good. What's in them stone jars, young touchandgo?'

'Beer in this one,' replied the boy, taking from his shoulder a couple of large stone bottles, fastened together

'And a wery good notion of a lunch it is, take it altogether,' said Mr. Weller, surveying his arrangement of the

repast with great satisfaction. 'Now, gen'l'm'n, "fall on," as the English said to the French when they fixed

It needed no second invitation to induce the party to yield full justice to the meal; and as little pressing did it

require to induce Mr. Weller, the long gamekeeper, and the two boys, to station themselves on the grass, at a

little distance, and do good execution upon a decent proportion of the viands. An old oak afforded a pleasant

shelter to the group, and a rich prospect of arable and meadow land, intersected with luxuriant hedges, and

'This is delightfulthoroughly delightful!' said Mr. Pickwick; the skin of whose expressive countenance was

'With great pleasure,' said Mr. Pickwick; the satisfaction of whose countenance, after drinking it, bore

'Good,' said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips. 'Very good. I'll take another. Cool; very cool. Come,

gentlemen,' continued Mr. Pickwick, still retaining his hold upon the jar, 'a toast. Our friends at Dingley Dell.'

'I'll tell you what I shall do, to get up my shooting again,' said Mr. Winkle, who was eating bread and ham

with a pocketknife. 'I'll put a stuffed partridge on the top of a post, and practise at it, beginning at a short

'I know a gen'l'man, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, 'as did that, and begun at two yards; but he never tried it on agin;

for he blowed the bird right clean away at the first fire, and nobody ever seed a feather on him arterwards.'

Here Mr. Weller winked the eye which was not concealed by the beercan he was raising to his lips, with

such exquisite facetiousness, that the two boys went into spontaneous convulsions, and even the long man

'Well, that certainly is most capital cold punch,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking earnestly at the stone bottle; 'and

'With the greatest delight,' replied Mr. Tupman; and having drank that glass, Mr. Pickwick took another, just

to see whether there was any orange peel in the punch, because orange peel always disagreed with him; and

finding that there was not, Mr. Pickwick took another glass to the health of their absent friend, and then felt

himself imperatively called upon to propose another in honour of the punchcompounder, unknown.

This constant succession of glasses produced considerable effect upon Mr. Pickwick; his countenance

beamed with the most sunny smiles, laughter played around his lips, and goodhumoured merriment

twinkled in his eye. Yielding by degrees to the influence of the exciting liquid, rendered more so by the heat,

Mr. Pickwick expressed a strong desire to recollect a song which he had heard in his infancy, and the attempt

proving abortive, sought to stimulate his memory with more glasses of punch, which appeared to have quite a

contrary effect; for, from forgetting the words of the song, he began to forget how to articulate any words at

all; and finally, after rising to his legs to address the company in an eloquent speech, he fell into the barrow,

The basket having been repacked, and it being found perfectly impossible to awaken Mr. Pickwick from his

torpor, some discussion took place whether it would be better for Mr. Weller to wheel his master back again,

or to leave him where he was, until they should all be ready to return. The latter course was at length decided

on; and as the further expedition was not to exceed an hour's duration, and as Mr. Weller begged very hard to

be one of the party, it was determined to leave Mr. Pickwick asleep in the barrow, and to call for him on their

return. So away they went, leaving Mr. Pickwick snoring most comfortably in the shade.

That Mr. Pickwick would have continued to snore in the shade until his friends came back, or, in default

thereof, until the shades of evening had fallen on the landscape, there appears no reasonable cause to doubt;

always supposing that he had been suffered to remain there in peace. But he was NOT suffered to remain

Captain Boldwig was a little fierce man in a stiff black neckerchief and blue surtout, who, when he did

condescend to walk about his property, did it in company with a thick rattan stick with a brass ferrule, and a

gardener and subgardener with meek faces, to whom (the gardeners, not the stick) Captain Boldwig gave his

orders with all due grandeur and ferocity; for Captain Boldwig's wife's sister had married a marquis, and the

captain's house was a villa, and his land 'grounds,' and it was all very high, and mighty, and great.

Mr. Pickwick had not been asleep half an hour when little Captain Boldwig, followed by the two gardeners,

came striding along as fast as his size and importance would let him; and when he came near the oak tree,

Captain Boldwig paused and drew a long breath, and looked at the prospect as if he thought the prospect

ought to be highly gratified at having him to take notice of it; and then he struck the ground emphatically

'And remind me to have a board done about trespassers, and spring guns, and all that sort of thing, to keep the

'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said the other man, advancing, with his hand to his hat.

'Why, damn their audacity, so they have,' said Captain Boldwig, as the crumbs and fragments that were

strewn upon the grass met his eye. 'They have actually been devouring their food here. I wish I had the

'But what? Eh?' roared the captain; and following the timid glance of Wilkins, his eyes encountered the

'Who are you, you rascal?' said the captain, administering several pokes to Mr. Pickwick's body with the thick

'That's his impudencethat's his confounded impudence,' said Captain Boldwig. 'He's only feigning to be

asleep now,' said the captain, in a high passion. 'He's drunk; he's a drunken plebeian. Wheel him away,

Wilkins, wheel him away directly.' 'Where shall I wheel him to, sir?' inquired Wilkins, with great timidity.

'Wheel him,' said the captain'wheel him to the pound; and let us see whether he calls himself Punch when

he comes to himself. He shall not bully mehe shall not bully me. Wheel him away.'

Away Mr. Pickwick was wheeled in compliance with this imperious mandate; and the great Captain Boldwig,

Inexpressible was the astonishment of the little party when they returned, to find that Mr. Pickwick had

disappeared, and taken the wheelbarrow with him. It was the most mysterious and unaccountable thing that

was ever heard of For a lame man to have got upon his legs without any previous notice, and walked off,

would have been most extraordinary; but when it came to his wheeling a heavy barrow before him, by way of

amusement, it grew positively miraculous. They searched every nook and corner round, together and

separately; they shouted, whistled, laughed, calledand all with the same result. Mr. Pickwick was not to be

found. After some hours of fruitless search, they arrived at the unwelcome conclusion that they must go home

Meanwhile Mr. Pickwick had been wheeled to the pound, and safely deposited therein, fast asleep in the

wheelbarrow, to the immeasurable delight and satisfaction not only of all the boys in the village, but

threefourths of the whole population, who had gathered round, in expectation of his waking. If their most

intense gratification had been awakened by seeing him wheeled in, how many hundredfold was their joy

increased when, after a few indistinct cries of 'Sam!' he sat up in the barrow, and gazed with indescribable

A general shout was of course the signal of his having woke up; and his involuntary inquiry of 'What's the

'How came I here? What was I doing? Where was I brought from?' 'Boldwig! Captain Boldwig!' was the only

'You ain't got no friends. Hurrah!' Then there came a turnip, then a potato, and then an egg; with a few other

How long this scene might have lasted, or how much Mr. Pickwick might have suffered, no one can tell, had

not a carriage, which was driving swiftly by, suddenly pulled up, from whence there descended old Wardle

and Sam Weller, the former of whom, in far less time than it takes to write it, if not to read it, had made his

way to Mr. Pickwick's side, and placed him in the vehicle, just as the latter had concluded the third and last

'Ah, run avay,' said Mr. Weller, jumping up on the box. 'Give my complimentsMr. Veller's

complimentsto the justice, and tell him I've spiled his beadle, and that, if he'll swear in a new 'un, I'll come

'I'll give directions for the commencement of an action for false imprisonment against this Captain Boldwig,

directly I get to London,' said Mr. Pickwick, as soon as the carriage turned out of the town.

'I will, by' But as there was a humorous expression in Wardle's face, Mr. Pickwick checked himself, and

'Because,' said old Wardle, halfbursting with laughter, 'because they might turn on some of us, and say we

Do what he would, a smile would come into Mr. Pickwick's face; the smile extended into a laugh; the laugh

into a roar; the roar became general. So, to keep up their goodhumour, they stopped at the first roadside

tavern they came to, and ordered a glass of brandyandwater all round, with a magnum of extra strength for

In the groundfloor front of a dingy house, at the very farthest end of Freeman's Court, Cornhill, sat the four

clerks of Messrs. Dodson Fogg, two of his Majesty's attorneys of the courts of King's Bench and Common

Pleas at Westminster, and solicitors of the High Court of Chancerythe aforesaid clerks catching as

favourable glimpses of heaven's light and heaven's sun, in the course of their daily labours, as a man might

hope to do, were he placed at the bottom of a reasonably deep well; and without the opportunity of perceiving

The clerks' office of Messrs. Dodson Fogg was a dark, mouldy, earthysmelling room, with a high

wainscotted partition to screen the clerks from the vulgar gaze, a couple of old wooden chairs, a very

loudticking clock, an almanac, an umbrellastand, a row of hatpegs, and a few shelves, on which were

deposited several ticketed bundles of dirty papers, some old deal boxes with paper labels, and sundry decayed

stone ink bottles of various shapes and sizes. There was a glass door leading into the passage which formed

the entrance to the court, and on the outer side of this glass door, Mr. Pickwick, closely followed by Sam

Weller, presented himself on the Friday morning succeeding the occurrence of which a faithful narration is

'Come in, can't you!' cried a voice from behind the partition, in reply to Mr. Pickwick's gentle tap at the door.

'Mr. Dodson or Mr. Fogg at home, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, gently, advancing, hat in hand, towards the

'Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particularly engaged,' replied the voice; and at the same time the

head to which the voice belonged, with a pen behind its ear, looked over the partition, and at Mr. Pickwick.

it was a ragged head, the sandy hair of which, scrupulously parted on one side, and flattened down with

pomatum, was twisted into little semicircular tails round a flat face ornamented with a pair of small eyes,

'Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particularly engaged,' said the man to whom the head belonged.

Here the man proceeded to mend his pen with great deliberation, while another clerk, who was mixing a

'I think I'll wait,' said Mr. Pickwick. There was no reply; so Mr. Pickwick sat down unbidden, and listened to

'That was a game, wasn't it?' said one of the gentlemen, in a brown coat and brass buttons, inky drabs, and

bluchers, at the conclusion of some inaudible relation of his previous evening's adventures.

'Devilish gooddevilish good,' said the Seidlitzpowder man. 'Tom Cummins was in the chair,' said the man

with the brown coat. 'It was halfpast four when I got to Somers Town, and then I was so uncommon lushy,

that I couldn't find the place where the latchkey went in, and was obliged to knock up the old 'ooman. I say,

I wonder what old Fogg 'ud say, if he knew it. I should get the sack, I s'poseeh?'

'There was such a game with Fogg here, this mornin',' said the man in the brown coat, 'while Jack was

upstairs sorting the papers, and you two were gone to the stampoffice. Fogg was down here, opening the

letters when that chap as we issued the writ against at Camberwell, you know, came inwhat's his name

'Ah, Ramseya precious seedylooking customer. "Well, sir," says old Fogg, looking at him very

fierceyou know his way "well, Sir, have you come to settle?" "Yes, I have, sir," said Ramsey, putting

his hand in his pocket, and bringing out the money, "the debt's two pound ten, and the costs three pound five,

and here it is, Sir;" and he sighed like bricks, as he lugged out the money, done up in a bit of blottingpaper.

Old Fogg looked first at the money, and then at him, and then he coughed in his rum way, so that I knew

something was coming. "You don't know there's a declaration filed, which increases the costs materially, I

suppose," said Fogg. "You don't say that, sir," said Ramsey, starting back; "the time was only out last night,

Sir." "I do say it, though," said Fogg, "my clerk's just gone to file it. Hasn't Mr. Jackson gone to file that

declaration in Bullman and Ramsey, Mr. Wicks?" Of course I said yes, and then Fogg coughed again, and

looked at Ramsey. "My God!" said Ramsey; "and here have I nearly driven myself mad, scraping this money

together, and all to no purpose." "None at all," said Fogg coolly; "so you had better go back and scrape some

more together, and bring it here in time." "I can't get it, by God!" said Ramsey, striking the desk with his fist.

"Don't bully me, sir," said Fogg, getting into a passion on purpose. "I am not bullying you, sir," said Ramsey.

"You are," said Fogg; "get out, sir; get out of this office, Sir, and come back, Sir, when you know how to

behave yourself." Well, Ramsey tried to speak, but Fogg wouldn't let him, so he put the money in his pocket,

and sneaked out. The door was scarcely shut, when old Fogg turned round to me, with a sweet smile on his

face, and drew the declaration out of his coat pocket. "Here, Wicks," says Fogg, "take a cab, and go down to

the Temple as quick as you can, and file that. The costs are quite safe, for he's a steady man with a large

family, at a salary of fiveandtwenty shillings a week, and if he gives us a warrant of attorney, as he must in

the end, I know his employers will see it paid; so we may as well get all we can get out of him, Mr. Wicks;

it's a Christian act to do it, Mr. Wicks, for with his large family and small income, he'll be all the better for a

good lesson against getting into debtwon't he, Mr. Wicks, won't he?"and he smiled so goodnaturedly

as he went away, that it was delightful to see him. He is a capital man of business,' said Wicks, in a tone of

The other three cordially subscribed to this opinion, and the anecdote afforded the most unlimited

'Nice men these here, Sir,' whispered Mr. Weller to his master; 'wery nice notion of fun they has, Sir.'

Mr. Pickwick nodded assent, and coughed to attract the attention of the young gentlemen behind the partition,

who, having now relaxed their minds by a little conversation among themselves, condescended to take some

'I'll see,' said Wicks, dismounting leisurely from his stool. 'What name shall I tell Mr. Fogg?'

Mr. Jackson departed upstairs on his errand, and immediately returned with a message that Mr. Fogg would

see Mr. Pickwick in five minutes; and having delivered it, returned again to his desk.

A sudden scraping of feet, mingled with the sound of suppressed laughter, was heard from behind the

Mr. Weller replied by pointing with his thumb over his shoulder, and Mr. Pickwick, on looking up, became

sensible of the pleasing fact, that all the four clerks, with countenances expressive of the utmost amusement,

and with their heads thrust over the wooden screen, were minutely inspecting the figure and general

appearance of the supposed trifler with female hearts, and disturber of female happiness. On his looking up,

the row of heads suddenly disappeared, and the sound of pens travelling at a furious rate over paper,

A sudden ring at the bell which hung in the office, summoned Mr. Jackson to the apartment of Fogg, from

whence he came back to say that he (Fogg) was ready to see Mr. Pickwick if he would step upstairs. Upstairs

Mr. Pickwick did step accordingly, leaving Sam Weller below. The room door of the onepair back, bore

inscribed in legible characters the imposing words, 'Mr. Fogg'; and, having tapped thereat, and been desired

'Take a seat, sir,' said Fogg; 'there is the paper, sir; my partner will be here directly, and we can converse

Mr. Pickwick took a seat and the paper, but, instead of reading the latter, peeped over the top of it, and took a

survey of the man of business, who was an elderly, pimplyfaced, vegetable diet sort of man, in a black

coat, dark mixture trousers, and small black gaiters; a kind of being who seemed to be an essential part of the

After a few minutes' silence, Mr. Dodson, a plump, portly, sternlooking man, with a loud voice, appeared;

'Ah!' said Fogg, thrusting his hands into his trousers' pockets, and throwing himself back in his chair, 'what

'I came, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, gazing placidly on the two partners, 'I came here, gentlemen, to

express the surprise with which I received your letter of the other day, and to inquire what grounds of action

'Mr. Fogg,' said Dodson, 'I am going to speak.' 'I beg your pardon, Mr. Dodson,' said Fogg.

'For the grounds of action, sir,' continued Dodson, with moral elevation in his air, 'you will consult your own

conscience and your own feelings. We, Sir, we, are guided entirely by the statement of our client. That

statement, Sir, may be true, or it may be false; it may be credible, or it may be incredible; but, if it be true,

and if it be credible, I do not hesitate to say, Sir, that our grounds of action, Sir, are strong, and not to be

shaken. You may be an unfortunate man, Sir, or you may be a designing one; but if I were called upon, as a

juryman upon my oath, Sir, to express an opinion of your conduct, Sir, I do not hesitate to assert that I should

have but one opinion about it.' Here Dodson drew himself up, with an air of offended virtue, and looked at

Fogg, who thrust his hands farther in his pockets, and nodding his head sagely, said, in a tone of the fullest

'Well, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable pain depicted in his countenance, 'you will permit me to

'I hope you are, Sir,' replied Dodson; 'I trust you may be, Sir. If you are really innocent of what is laid to your

charge, you are more unfortunate than I had believed any man could possibly be. What do you say, Mr.

'The writ, Sir, which commences the action,' continued Dodson, 'was issued regularly. Mr. Fogg, where is the

'Here is the entry,' resumed Dodson. '"Middlesex, Capias MARTHA BARDELL, WIDOW, v. SAMUEL

PICKWICK. Damages #1500. Dodson Fogg for the plaintiff, Aug. 28, 1827." All regular, Sir; perfectly.'

Dodson coughed and looked at Fogg, who said 'Perfectly,' also. And then they both looked at Mr. Pickwick.

'I am to understand, then,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that it really is your intention to proceed with this action?'

'Understand, sir!that you certainly may,' replied Dodson, with something as near a smile as his importance

'And that the damages are actually laid at fifteen hundred pounds?' said Mr. Pickwick.

'To which understanding you may add my assurance, that if we could have prevailed upon our client, they

would have been laid at treble the amount, sir,' replied Dodson. 'I believe Mrs. Bardell specially said,

however,' observed Fogg, glancing at Dodson, 'that she would not compromise for a farthing less.'

'Unquestionably,' replied Dodson sternly. For the action was only just begun; and it wouldn't have done to let

'As you offer no terms, sir,' said Dodson, displaying a slip of parchment in his right hand, and affectionately

pressing a paper copy of it, on Mr. Pickwick with his left, 'I had better serve you with a copy of this writ, sir.

'Very well, gentlemen, very well,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising in person and wrath at the same time; 'you shall

'And before I go, gentlemen,' said the excited Mr. Pickwick, turning round on the landing, 'permit me to say,

'Stay, sir, stay,' interposed Dodson, with great politeness. 'Mr. Jackson! Mr. Wicks!'

'I merely want you to hear what this gentleman says,' replied Dodson. 'Pray, go on, sirdisgraceful and

'I did,' said Mr. Pickwick, thoroughly roused. 'I said, Sir, that of all the disgraceful and rascally proceedings

'Perhaps you would like to call us swindlers, sir,' said Dodson. 'Pray do, Sir, if you feel disposed; now pray

'You had better come up a step or two higher, if you can't,' added Mr. Fogg. 'Go on, Sir; do go on. You had

better call us thieves, Sir; or perhaps You would like to assault one Of US. Pray do it, Sir, if you would; we

As Fogg put himself very temptingly within the reach of Mr. Pickwick's clenched fist, there is little doubt that

that gentleman would have complied with his earnest entreaty, but for the interposition of Sam, who, hearing

the dispute, emerged from the office, mounted the stairs, and seized his master by the arm.

'You just come away,' said Mr. Weller. 'Battledore and shuttlecock's a wery good game, vhen you ain't the

shuttlecock and two lawyers the battledores, in which case it gets too excitin' to be pleasant. Come avay, Sir.

If you want to ease your mind by blowing up somebody, come out into the court and blow up me; but it's

And without the slightest ceremony, Mr. Weller hauled his master down the stairs, and down the court, and

having safely deposited him in Cornhill, fell behind, prepared to follow whithersoever he should lead.

Mr. Pickwick walked on abstractedly, crossed opposite the Mansion House, and bent his steps up Cheapside.

Sam began to wonder where they were going, when his master turned round, and said

'That's just exactly the wery place vere you ought to have gone last night, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller.

'Well, well, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'we will go there at once; but first, as I have been rather ruffled, I

Mr. Weller's knowledge of London was extensive and peculiar. He replied, without the slightest

'Second court on the right hand sidelast house but vun on the same side the vaytake the box as stands in

the first fireplace, 'cos there ain't no leg in the middle o' the table, which all the others has, and it's wery

Mr. Pickwick observed his valet's directions implicitly, and bidding Sam follow him, entered the tavern he

had pointed out, where the hot brandyandwater was speedily placed before him; while Mr. Weller, seated

at a respectful distance, though at the same table with his master, was accommodated with a pint of porter.

The room was one of a very homely description, and was apparently under the especial patronage of

stagecoachmen; for several gentleman, who had all the appearance of belonging to that learned profession,

were drinking and smoking in the different boxes. Among the number was one stout, redfaced, elderly man,

in particular, seated in an opposite box, who attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention. The stout man was smoking

with great vehemence, but between every halfdozen puffs, he took his pipe from his mouth, and looked first

at Mr. Weller and then at Mr. Pickwick. Then, he would bury in a quart pot, as much of his countenance as

the dimensions of the quart pot admitted of its receiving, and take another look at Sam and Mr. Pickwick.

Then he would take another halfdozen puffs with an air of profound meditation and look at them again. At

last the stout man, putting up his legs on the seat, and leaning his back against the wall, began to puff at his

pipe without leaving off at all, and to stare through the smoke at the newcomers, as if he had made up his

At first the evolutions of the stout man had escaped Mr. Weller's observation, but by degrees, as he saw Mr.

Pickwick's eyes every now and then turning towards him, he began to gaze in the same direction, at the same

time shading his eyes with his hand, as if he partially recognised the object before him, and wished to make

quite sure of its identity. His doubts were speedily dispelled, however; for the stout man having blown a thick

cloud from his pipe, a hoarse voice, like some strange effort of ventriloquism, emerged from beneath the

capacious shawls which muffled his throat and chest, and slowly uttered these sounds'Wy, Sammy!'

'Why, I wouldn't ha' believed it, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, with astonished eyes. 'It's the old 'un.'

'My father, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'How are you, my ancient?' And with this beautiful ebullition of filial

affection, Mr. Weller made room on the seat beside him, for the stout man, who advanced pipe in mouth and

'Wy, I'll tell you what, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, senior, with much solemnity in his manner; 'there never was

a nicer woman as a widder, than that 'ere second wentur o' minea sweet creetur she was, Sammy; all I can

say on her now, is, that as she was such an uncommon pleasant widder, it's a great pity she ever changed her

condition. She don't act as a vife, Sammy.' 'Don't she, though?' inquired Mr. Weller, junior.

The elder Mr. Weller shook his head, as he replied with a sigh, 'I've done it once too often, Sammy; I've done

it once too often. Take example by your father, my boy, and be wery careful o' widders all your life, 'specially

if they've kept a publichouse, Sammy.' Having delivered this parental advice with great pathos, Mr. Weller,

senior, refilled his pipe from a tin box he carried in his pocket; and, lighting his fresh pipe from the ashes of

'Beg your pardon, sir,' he said, renewing the subject, and addressing Mr. Pickwick, after a considerable pause,

'Not I,' replied Mr. Pickwick, laughing; and while Mr. Pickwick laughed, Sam Weller informed his parent in a

'Beg your pardon, sir,' said Mr. Weller, senior, taking off his hat, 'I hope you've no fault to find with Sammy,

'Wery glad to hear it, sir,' replied the old man; 'I took a good deal o' pains with his eddication, sir; let him run

in the streets when he was wery young, and shift for hisself. It's the only way to make a boy sharp, sir.'

'Rather a dangerous process, I should imagine,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile.

'And not a wery sure one, neither,' added Mr. Weller; 'I got reg'larly done the other day.'

'I did,' said the son; and he proceeded to relate, in as few words as possible, how he had fallen a ready dupe to

Mr. Weller, senior, listened to the tale with the most profound attention, and, at its termination, said

'Worn't one o' these chaps slim and tall, with long hair, and the gift o' the gab wery gallopin'?'

Mr. Pickwick did not quite understand the last item of description, but, comprehending the first, said 'Yes,' at

'Yes, yes, he is,' said Mr. Pickwick and Sam, with great earnestness. 'Then I know where they are, and that's

'Fact,' said Mr. Weller, 'and I'll tell you how I know it. I work an Ipswich coach now and then for a friend o'

mine. I worked down the wery day arter the night as you caught the rheumatic, and at the Black Boy at

Chelmsfordthe wery place they'd come toI took 'em up, right through to Ipswich, where the

manservanthim in the mulberriestold me they was agoin' to put up for a long time.'

'I'll follow him,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'we may as well see Ipswich as any other place. I'll follow him.'

'Quite, Sammy, quite,' replied his father, 'for their appearance is wery sing'ler; besides that 'ere, I wondered to

see the gen'l'm'n so formiliar with his servant; and, more than that, as they sat in the front, right behind the

'Old Fireworks, Sir; by which, I've no doubt, they meant you, Sir.' There is nothing positively vile or

atrocious in the appellation of 'old Fireworks,' but still it is by no means a respectful or flattering designation.

The recollection of all the wrongs he had sustained at Jingle's hands, had crowded on Mr. Pickwick's mind,

the moment Mr. Weller began to speak; it wanted but a feather to turn the scale, and 'old Fireworks' did it.

'I shall work down to Ipswich the day arter tomorrow, Sir,' said Mr. Weller the elder, 'from the Bull in

'So we had,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'very true; I can write to Bury, and tell them to meet me at Ipswich. We will

'You're wery good, Sir,' replied Mr. W., stopping short; 'perhaps a small glass of brandy to drink your

'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'A glass of brandy here!' The brandy was brought; and Mr. Weller, after

pulling his hair to Mr. Pickwick, and nodding to Sam, jerked it down his capacious throat as if it had been a

small thimbleful. 'Well done, father,' said Sam, 'take care, old fellow, or you'll have a touch of your old

'I've found a sov'rin' cure for that, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, setting down the glass.

'A sovereign cure for the gout,' said Mr. Pickwick, hastily producing his notebook'what is it?'

'The gout, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'the gout is a complaint as arises from too much ease and comfort. If ever

you're attacked with the gout, sir, jist you marry a widder as has got a good loud woice, with a decent notion

of usin' it, and you'll never have the gout agin. It's a capital prescription, sir. I takes it reg'lar, and I can

warrant it to drive away any illness as is caused by too much jollity.' Having imparted this valuable secret,

Mr. Weller drained his glass once more, produced a laboured wink, sighed deeply, and slowly retired.

'Well, what do you think of what your father says, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, with a smile.

'Think, Sir!' replied Mr. Weller; 'why, I think he's the wictim o' connubiality, as Blue Beard's domestic

There was no replying to this very apposite conclusion, and, therefore, Mr. Pickwick, after settling the

reckoning, resumed his walk to Gray's Inn. By the time he reached its secluded groves, however, eight

o'clock had struck, and the unbroken stream of gentlemen in muddy highlows, soiled white hats, and rusty

apparel, who were pouring towards the different avenues of egress, warned him that the majority of the

After climbing two pairs of steep and dirty stairs, he found his anticipations were realised. Mr. Perker's 'outer

door' was closed; and the dead silence which followed Mr. Weller's repeated kicks thereat, announced that the

'This is pleasant, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I shouldn't lose an hour in seeing him; I shall not be able to get

one wink of sleep tonight, I know, unless I have the satisfaction of reflecting that I have confided this matter

'Here's an old 'ooman comin' upstairs, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'p'raps she knows where we can find

'Mr. Perker's people,' said a thin, miserablelooking old woman, stopping to recover breath after the ascent of

the staircase'Mr. Perker's people's gone, and I'm agoin' to do the office out.' 'Are you Mr. Perker's

'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, half aside to Sam, 'it's a curious circumstance, Sam, that they call the old women in

''Cos they has a mortal awersion to washing anythin', I suppose, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller.

'I shouldn't wonder,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at the old woman, whose appearance, as well as the

condition of the office, which she had by this time opened, indicated a rooted antipathy to the application of

'Yes, I know where he is, but he won't thank me for telling you,' replied the laundress.

'I have very particular business with him,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Won't it do in the morning?' said the woman.

'Well,' said the old woman, 'if it was anything very particular, I was to say where he was, so I suppose there's

no harm in telling. If you just go to the Magpie and Stump, and ask at the bar for Mr. Lowten, they'll show

With this direction, and having been furthermore informed that the hostelry in question was situated in a

court, happy in the double advantage of being in the vicinity of Clare Market, and closely approximating to

the back of New Inn, Mr. Pickwick and Sam descended the rickety staircase in safety, and issued forth in

This favoured tavern, sacred to the evening orgies of Mr. Lowten and his companions, was what ordinary

people would designate a publichouse. That the landlord was a man of money making turn was sufficiently

testified by the fact of a small bulkhead beneath the taproom window, in size and shape not unlike a

sedanchair, being underlet to a mender of shoes: and that he was a being of a philanthropic mind was

evident from the protection he afforded to a pieman, who vended his delicacies without fear of interruption,

on the very doorstep. In the lower windows, which were decorated with curtains of a saffron hue, dangled

two or three printed cards, bearing reference to Devonshire cider and Dantzic spruce, while a large

blackboard, announcing in white letters to an enlightened public, that there were 500,000 barrels of double

stout in the cellars of the establishment, left the mind in a state of not unpleasing doubt and uncertainty as to

the precise direction in the bowels of the earth, in which this mighty cavern might be supposed to extend.

When we add that the weatherbeaten signboard bore the halfobliterated semblance of a magpie intently

eyeing a crooked streak of brown paint, which the neighbours had been taught from infancy to consider as the

On Mr. Pickwick's presenting himself at the bar, an elderly female emerged from behind the screen therein,

'Yes, he is, Sir,' replied the landlady. 'Here, Charley, show the gentleman in to Mr. Lowten.'

'The gen'l'm'n can't go in just now,' said a shambling potboy, with a red head, 'cos' Mr. Lowten's asingin' a

The redheaded potboy had scarcely finished speaking, when a most unanimous hammering of tables, and

jingling of glasses, announced that the song had that instant terminated; and Mr. Pickwick, after desiring Sam

to solace himself in the tap, suffered himself to be conducted into the presence of Mr. Lowten.

At the announcement of 'A gentleman to speak to you, Sir,' a puffyfaced young man, who filled the chair at

the head of the table, looked with some surprise in the direction from whence the voice proceeded; and the

surprise seemed to be by no means diminished, when his eyes rested on an individual whom he had never

'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I am very sorry to disturb the other gentlemen, too, but I

come on very particular business; and if you will suffer me to detain you at this end of the room for five

The puffyfaced young man rose, and drawing a chair close to Mr. Pickwick in an obscure corner of the

'Ah,'he said, when Mr. Pickwick had concluded, 'Dodson and Foggsharp practice theirscapital men of

Mr. Pickwick admitted the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg, and Lowten resumed. 'Perker ain't in town,

and he won't be, neither, before the end of next week; but if you want the action defended, and will leave the

'That's exactly what I came here for,' said Mr. Pickwick, handing over the document. 'If anything particular

'That's all right,' replied Mr. Perker's clerk; and then seeing Mr. Pickwick's eye wandering curiously towards

the table, he added, 'will you join us, for half an hour or so? We are capital company here tonight. There's

Samkin and Green's managing clerk, and Smithers and Price's chancery, and Pimkin and Thomas's out o'

doorssings a capital song, he doesand Jack Bamber, and ever so many more. You're come out of the

Mr. Pickwick could not resist so tempting an opportunity of studying human nature. He suffered himself to

be led to the table, where, after having been introduced to the company in due form, he was accommodated

A profound silence, quite contrary to Mr. Pickwick's expectation, succeeded. 'You don't find this sort of thing

disagreeable, I hope, sir?' said his right hand neighbour, a gentleman in a checked shirt and Mosaic studs,

'Not in the least,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I like it very much, although I am no smoker myself.'

'I should be very sorry to say I wasn't,' interposed another gentleman on the opposite side of the table. 'It's

Mr. Pickwick glanced at the speaker, and thought that if it were washing too, it would be all the better.

Here there was another pause. Mr. Pickwick was a stranger, and his coming had evidently cast a damp upon

'Because he can't,' said Mr. Grundy. 'You had better say he won't,' replied the chairman.

'Well, then, he won't,' retorted Mr. Grundy. Mr. Grundy's positive refusal to gratify the company occasioned

'Why don't you enliven us yourself, Mr. Chairman?' said a young man with a whisker, a squint, and an open

'Because I only know one song, and I have sung it already, and it's a fine of "glasses round" to sing the same

'I have been tonight, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, hoping to start a subject which all the company could

take a part in discussing, 'I have been tonight, in a place which you all know very well, doubtless, but which

I have not been in for some years, and know very little of; I mean Gray's Inn, gentlemen. Curious little nooks

'By Jove!' said the chairman, whispering across the table to Mr. Pickwick, 'you have hit upon something that

one of us, at least, would talk upon for ever. You'll draw old Jack Bamber out; he was never heard to talk

about anything else but the inns, and he has lived alone in them till he's half crazy.'

The individual to whom Lowten alluded, was a little, yellow, highshouldered man, whose countenance,

from his habit of stooping forward when silent, Mr. Pickwick had not observed before. He wondered, though,

when the old man raised his shrivelled face, and bent his gray eye upon him, with a keen inquiring look, that

such remarkable features could have escaped his attention for a moment. There was a fixed grim smile

perpetually on his countenance; he leaned his chin on a long, skinny hand, with nails of extraordinary length;

and as he inclined his head to one side, and looked keenly out from beneath his ragged gray eyebrows, there

This was the figure that now started forward, and burst into an animated torrent of words. As this chapter has

been a long one, however, and as the old man was a remarkable personage, it will be more respectful to him,

Aha!' said the old man, a brief description of whose manner and appearance concluded the last chapter, 'aha!

'I was, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick'I was observing what singular old places they are.'

'YOU!' said the old man contemptuously. 'What do YOU know of the time when young men shut themselves

up in those lonely rooms, and read and read, hour after hour, and night after night, till their reason wandered

beneath their midnight studies; till their mental powers were exhausted; till morning's light brought no

freshness or health to them; and they sank beneath the unnatural devotion of their youthful energies to their

dry old books? Coming down to a later time, and a very different day, what do YOU know of the gradual

sinking beneath consumption, or the quick wasting of feverthe grand results of "life" and

dissipationwhich men have undergone in these same rooms? How many vain pleaders for mercy, do you

think, have turned away heartsick from the lawyer's office, to find a restingplace in the Thames, or a

refuge in the jail? They are no ordinary houses, those. There is not a panel in the old wainscotting, but what,

if it were endowed with the powers of speech and memory, could start from the wall, and tell its tale of

horrorthe romance of life, Sir, the romance of life! Common place as they may seem now, I tell you they

are strange old places, and I would rather hear many a legend with a terrific sounding name, than the true

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 189

There was something so odd in the old man's sudden energy, and the subject which had called it forth, that

Mr. Pickwick was prepared with no observation in reply; and the old man checking his impetuosity, and

'Look at them in another lighttheir most commonplace and least romantic. What fine places of slow

torture they are! Think of the needy man who has spent his all, beggared himself, and pinched his friends, to

enter the profession, which is destined never to yield him a morsel of bread. The waitingthe hope the

disappointmentthe fearthe miserythe povertythe blight on his hopes, and end to his careerthe

suicide perhaps, or the shabby, slipshod drunkard. Am I not right about them?' And the old man rubbed his

hands, and leered as if in delight at having found another point of view in which to place his favourite

Mr. Pickwick eyed the old man with great curiosity, and the remainder of the company smiled, and looked on

'Talk of your German universities,' said the little old man. 'Pooh, pooh! there's romance enough at home

'I never thought of the romance of this particular subject before, certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing. 'To

be sure you didn't,' said the little old man; 'of course not. As a friend of mine used to say to me, "What is

there in chambers in particular?" "Queer old places," said I. "Not at all," said he. "Lonely," said I. "Not a bit

of it," said he. He died one morning of apoplexy, as he was going to open his outer door. Fell with his head in

his own letterbox, and there he lay for eighteen months. Everybody thought he'd gone out of town.'

'The benchers determined to have his door broken open, as he hadn't paid any rent for two years. So they did.

Forced the lock; and a very dusty skeleton in a blue coat, black kneeshorts, and silks, fell forward in the

arms of the porter who opened the door. Queer, that. Rather, perhaps; rather, eh?'The little old man put his

'I know another case,' said the little old man, when his chuckles had in some degree subsided. 'It occurred in

Clifford's Inn. Tenant of a top setbad charactershut himself up in his bedroom closet, and took a dose of

arsenic. The steward thought he had run away: opened the door, and put a bill up. Another man came, took

the chambers, furnished them, and went to live there. Somehow or other he couldn't sleepalways restless

and uncomfortable. "Odd," says he. "I'll make the other room my bedchamber, and this my sittingroom." He

made the change, and slept very well at night, but suddenly found that, somehow, he couldn't read in the

evening: he got nervous and uncomfortable, and used to be always snuffing his candles and staring about

him. "I can't make this out," said he, when he came home from the play one night, and was drinking a glass of

cold grog, with his back to the wall, in order that he mightn't be able to fancy there was any one behind

him"I can't make it out," said he; and just then his eyes rested on the little closet that had been always

locked up, and a shudder ran through his whole frame from top to toe. "I have felt this strange feeling

before," said he, "I cannot help thinking there's something wrong about that closet." He made a strong effort,

plucked up his courage, shivered the lock with a blow or two of the poker, opened the door, and there, sure

enough, standing bolt upright in the corner, was the last tenant, with a little bottle clasped firmly in his hand,

and his facewell!' As the little old man concluded, he looked round on the attentive faces of his wondering

'What strange things these are you tell us of, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, minutely scanning the old man's

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 190

'Strange!' said the little old man. 'Nonsense; you think them strange, because you know nothing about it. They

'Funny!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily. 'Yes, funny, are they not?' replied the little old man, with a

'I knew another manlet me seeforty years ago nowwho took an old, damp, rotten set of chambers, in

one of the most ancient inns, that had been shut up and empty for years and years before. There were lots of

old women's stories about the place, and it certainly was very far from being a cheerful one; but he was poor,

and the rooms were cheap, and that would have been quite a sufficient reason for him, if they had been ten

times worse than they really were. He was obliged to take some mouldering fixtures that were on the place,

and, among the rest, was a great lumbering wooden press for papers, with large glass doors, and a green

curtain inside; a pretty useless thing for him, for he had no papers to put in it; and as to his clothes, he carried

them about with him, and that wasn't very hard work, either. Well, he had moved in all his furnitureit

wasn't quite a truck fulland had sprinkled it about the room, so as to make the four chairs look as much

like a dozen as possible, and was sitting down before the fire at night, drinking the first glass of two gallons

of whisky he had ordered on credit, wondering whether it would ever be paid for, and if so, in how many

years' time, when his eyes encountered the glass doors of the wooden press. "Ah," says he, "if I hadn't been

obliged to take that ugly article at the old broker's valuation, I might have got something comfortable for the

money. I'll tell you what it is, old fellow," he said, speaking aloud to the press, having nothing else to speak

to, "if it wouldn't cost more to break up your old carcass, than it would ever be worth afterward, I'd have a

fire out of you in less than no time." He had hardly spoken the words, when a sound resembling a faint groan,

appeared to issue from the interior of the case. It startled him at first, but thinking, on a moment's reflection,

that it must be some young fellow in the next chamber, who had been dining out, he put his feet on the

fender, and raised the poker to stir the fire. At that moment, the sound was repeated; and one of the glass

doors slowly opening, disclosed a pale and emaciated figure in soiled and worn apparel, standing erect in the

press. The figure was tall and thin, and the countenance expressive of care and anxiety; but there was

something in the hue of the skin, and gaunt and unearthly appearance of the whole form, which no being of

this world was ever seen to wear. "Who are you?" said the new tenant, turning very pale; poising the poker in

his hand, however, and taking a very decent aim at the countenance of the figure. "Who are you?" "Don't

throw that poker at me," replied the form; "if you hurled it with ever so sure an aim, it would pass through

me, without resistance, and expend its force on the wood behind. I am a spirit." "And pray, what do you want

here?" faltered the tenant. "In this room," replied the apparition, "my worldly ruin was worked, and I and my

children beggared. In this press, the papers in a long, long suit, which accumulated for years, were deposited.

In this room, when I had died of grief, and longdeferred hope, two wily harpies divided the wealth for which

I had contested during a wretched existence, and of which, at last, not one farthing was left for my unhappy

descendants. I terrified them from the spot, and since that day have prowled by nightthe only period at

which I can revisit the earthabout the scenes of my longprotracted misery. This apartment is mine: leave

it to me." "If you insist upon making your appearance here," said the tenant, who had had time to collect his

presence of mind during this prosy statement of the ghost's, "I shall give up possession with the greatest

pleasure; but I should like to ask you one question, if you will allow me." "Say on," said the apparition

sternly. "Well," said the tenant, "I don't apply the observation personally to you, because it is equally

applicable to most of the ghosts I ever heard of; but it does appear to me somewhat inconsistent, that when

you have an opportunity of visiting the fairest spots of earthfor I suppose space is nothing to you you

should always return exactly to the very places where you have been most miserable." "Egad, that's very true;

I never thought of that before," said the ghost. "You see, Sir," pursued the tenant, "this is a very

uncomfortable room. From the appearance of that press, I should be disposed to say that it is not wholly free

from bugs; and I really think you might find much more comfortable quarters: to say nothing of the climate

of London, which is extremely disagreeable." "You are very right, Sir," said the ghost politely, "it never

struck me till now; I'll try change of air directly"and, in fact, he began to vanish as he spoke; his legs,

indeed, had quite disappeared. "And if, Sir," said the tenant, calling after him, "if you WOULD have the

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 191

goodness to suggest to the other ladies and gentlemen who are now engaged in haunting old empty houses,

that they might be much more comfortable elsewhere, you will confer a very great benefit on society." "I

will," replied the ghost; "we must be dull fellows very dull fellows, indeed; I can't imagine how we can

have been so stupid." With these words, the spirit disappeared; and what is rather remarkable,' added the old

'That ain't bad, if it's true,' said the man in the Mosaic studs, lighting a fresh cigar.

'IF!' exclaimed the old man, with a look of excessive contempt. 'I suppose,' he added, turning to Lowten, 'he'll

say next, that my story about the queer client we had, when I was in an attorney's office, is not true eitherI

'I shan't venture to say anything at all about it, seeing that I never heard the story,' observed the owner of the

'Ah, do,' said Lowten, 'nobody has heard it but me, and I have nearly forgotten it.'

The old man looked round the table, and leered more horribly than ever, as if in triumph, at the attention

which was depicted in every face. Then rubbing his chin with his hand, and looking up to the ceiling as if to

'It matters little,' said the old man, 'where, or how, I picked up this brief history. If I were to relate it in the

order in which it reached me, I should commence in the middle, and when I had arrived at the conclusion, go

back for a beginning. It is enough for me to say that some of its circumstances passed before my own eyes;

for the remainder I know them to have happened, and there are some persons yet living, who will remember

'In the Borough High Street, near St. George's Church, and on the same side of the way, stands, as most

people know, the smallest of our debtors' prisons, the Marshalsea. Although in later times it has been a very

different place from the sink of filth and dirt it once was, even its improved condition holds out but little

temptation to the extravagant, or consolation to the improvident. The condemned felon has as good a yard for

air and exercise in Newgate, as the insolvent debtor in the Marshalsea Prison. [Better. But this is past, in a

'It may be my fancy, or it may be that I cannot separate the place from the old recollections associated with it,

but this part of London I cannot bear. The street is broad, the shops are spacious, the noise of passing

vehicles, the footsteps of a perpetual stream of peopleall the busy sounds of traffic, resound in it from

morn to midnight; but the streets around are mean and close; poverty and debauchery lie festering in the

crowded alleys; want and misfortune are pent up in the narrow prison; an air of gloom and dreariness seems,

in my eyes at least, to hang about the scene, and to impart to it a squalid and sickly hue.

'Many eyes, that have long since been closed in the grave, have looked round upon that scene lightly enough,

when entering the gate of the old Marshalsea Prison for the first time; for despair seldom comes with the first

severe shock of misfortune. A man has confidence in untried friends, he remembers the many offers of

service so freely made by his boon companions when he wanted them not; he has hopethe hope of happy

inexperienceand however he may bend beneath the first shock, it springs up in his bosom, and flourishes

there for a brief space, until it droops beneath the blight of disappointment and neglect. How soon have those

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 192

same eyes, deeply sunken in the head, glared from faces wasted with famine, and sallow from confinement,

in days when it was no figure of speech to say that debtors rotted in prison, with no hope of release, and no

prospect of liberty! The atrocity in its full extent no longer exists, but there is enough of it left to give rise to

'Twenty years ago, that pavement was worn with the footsteps of a mother and child, who, day by day, so

surely as the morning came, presented themselves at the prison gate; often after a night of restless misery and

anxious thoughts, were they there, a full hour too soon, and then the young mother turning meekly away,

would lead the child to the old bridge, and raising him in her arms to show him the glistening water, tinted

with the light of the morning's sun, and stirring with all the bustling preparations for business and pleasure

that the river presented at that early hour, endeavour to interest his thoughts in the objects before him. But she

would quickly set him down, and hiding her face in her shawl, give vent to the tears that blinded her; for no

expression of interest or amusement lighted up his thin and sickly face. His recollections were few enough,

but they were all of one kindall connected with the poverty and misery of his parents. Hour after hour had

he sat on his mother's knee, and with childish sympathy watched the tears that stole down her face, and then

crept quietly away into some dark corner, and sobbed himself to sleep. The hard realities of the world, with

many of its worst privations hunger and thirst, and cold and wanthad all come home to him, from the

first dawnings of reason; and though the form of childhood was there, its light heart, its merry laugh, and

sparkling eyes were wanting. 'The father and mother looked on upon this, and upon each other, with thoughts

of agony they dared not breathe in words. The healthy, strongmade man, who could have borne almost any

fatigue of active exertion, was wasting beneath the close confinement and unhealthy atmosphere of a

crowded prison. The slight and delicate woman was sinking beneath the combined effects of bodily and

'Winter came, and with it weeks of cold and heavy rain. The poor girl had removed to a wretched apartment

close to the spot of her husband's imprisonment; and though the change had been rendered necessary by their

increasing poverty, she was happier now, for she was nearer him. For two months, she and her little

companion watched the opening of the gate as usual. One day she failed to come, for the first time. Another

'They little know, who coldly talk of the poor man's bereavements, as a happy release from pain to the

departed, and a merciful relief from expense to the survivorthey little know, I say, what the agony of those

bereavements is. A silent look of affection and regard when all other eyes are turned coldly away the

consciousness that we possess the sympathy and affection of one being when all others have deserted usis

a hold, a stay, a comfort, in the deepest affliction, which no wealth could purchase, or power bestow. The

child had sat at his parents' feet for hours together, with his little hands patiently folded in each other, and his

thin wan face raised towards them. They had seen him pine away, from day to day; and though his brief

existence had been a joyless one, and he was now removed to that peace and rest which, child as he was, he

had never known in this world, they were his parents, and his loss sank deep into their souls.

'It was plain to those who looked upon the mother's altered face, that death must soon close the scene of her

adversity and trial. Her husband's fellowprisoners shrank from obtruding on his grief and misery, and left to

himself alone, the small room he had previously occupied in common with two companions. She shared it

with him; and lingering on without pain, but without hope, her life ebbed slowly away.

'She had fainted one evening in her husband's arms, and he had borne her to the open window, to revive her

with the air, when the light of the moon falling full upon her face, showed him a change upon her features,

'"Set me down, George," she said faintly. He did so, and seating himself beside her, covered his face with his

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 193

'"It is very hard to leave you, George," she said; "but it is God's will, and you must bear it for my sake. Oh!

how I thank Him for having taken our boy! He is happy, and in heaven now. What would he have done here,

'"You shall not die, Mary, you shall not die;" said the husband, starting up. He paced hurriedly to and fro,

striking his head with his clenched fists; then reseating himself beside her, and supporting her in his arms,

added more calmly, "Rouse yourself, my dear girl. Pray, pray do. You will revive yet."

'"Never again, George; never again," said the dying woman. "Let them lay me by my poor boy now, but

promise me, that if ever you leave this dreadful place, and should grow rich, you will have us removed to

some quiet country churchyard, a long, long way offvery far from herewhere we can rest in peace. Dear

'"I do, I do," said the man, throwing himself passionately on his knees before her. "Speak to me, Mary,

'He ceased to speak: for the arm that clasped his neck grew stiff and heavy. A deep sigh escaped from the

wasted form before him; the lips moved, and a smile played upon the face; but the lips were pallid, and the

'That night, in the silence and desolation of his miserable room, the wretched man knelt down by the dead

body of his wife, and called on God to witness a terrible oath, that from that hour, he devoted himself to

revenge her death and that of his child; that thenceforth to the last moment of his life, his whole energies

should be directed to this one object; that his revenge should be protracted and terrible; that his hatred should

'The deepest despair, and passion scarcely human, had made such fierce ravages on his face and form, in that

one night, that his companions in misfortune shrank affrighted from him as he passed by. His eyes were

bloodshot and heavy, his face a deadly white, and his body bent as if with age. He had bitten his under lip

nearly through in the violence of his mental suffering, and the blood which had flowed from the wound had

trickled down his chin, and stained his shirt and neckerchief. No tear, or sound of complaint escaped him; but

the unsettled look, and disordered haste with which he paced up and down the yard, denoted the fever which

'It was necessary that his wife's body should be removed from the prison, without delay. He received the

communication with perfect calmness, and acquiesced in its propriety. Nearly all the inmates of the prison

had assembled to witness its removal; they fell back on either side when the widower appeared; he walked

hurriedly forward, and stationed himself, alone, in a little railed area close to the lodge gate, from whence the

crowd, with an instinctive feeling of delicacy, had retired. The rude coffin was borne slowly forward on

men's shoulders. A dead silence pervaded the throng, broken only by the audible lamentations of the women,

and the shuffling steps of the bearers on the stone pavement. They reached the spot where the bereaved

husband stood: and stopped. He laid his hand upon the coffin, and mechanically adjusting the pall with which

it was covered, motioned them onward. The turnkeys in the prison lobby took off their hats as it passed

through, and in another moment the heavy gate closed behind it. He looked vacantly upon the crowd, and fell

'Although for many weeks after this, he was watched, night and day, in the wildest ravings of fever, neither

the consciousness of his loss, nor the recollection of the vow he had made, ever left him for a moment.

Scenes changed before his eyes, place succeeded place, and event followed event, in all the hurry of delirium;

but they were all connected in some way with the great object of his mind. He was sailing over a boundless

expanse of sea, with a bloodred sky above, and the angry waters, lashed into fury beneath, boiling and

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 194

eddying up, on every side. There was another vessel before them, toiling and labouring in the howling storm;

her canvas fluttering in ribbons from the mast, and her deck thronged with figures who were lashed to the

sides, over which huge waves every instant burst, sweeping away some devoted creatures into the foaming

sea. Onward they bore, amidst the roaring mass of water, with a speed and force which nothing could resist;

and striking the stem of the foremost vessel, crushed her beneath their keel. From the huge whirlpool which

the sinking wreck occasioned, arose a shriek so loud and shrillthe deathcry of a hundred drowning

creatures, blended into one fierce yellthat it rung far above the warcry of the elements, and echoed, and

reechoed till it seemed to pierce air, sky, and ocean. But what was thatthat old gray head that rose above

the water's surface, and with looks of agony, and screams for aid, buffeted with the waves! One look, and he

had sprung from the vessel's side, and with vigorous strokes was swimming towards it. He reached it; he was

close upon it. They were HIS features. The old man saw him coming, and vainly strove to elude his grasp.

But he clasped him tight, and dragged him beneath the water. Down, down with him, fifty fathoms down; his

struggles grew fainter and fainter, until they wholly ceased. He was dead; he had killed him, and had kept his

'He was traversing the scorching sands of a mighty desert, barefoot and alone. The sand choked and blinded

him; its fine thin grains entered the very pores of his skin, and irritated him almost to madness. Gigantic

masses of the same material, carried forward by the wind, and shone through by the burning sun, stalked in

the distance like pillars of living fire. The bones of men, who had perished in the dreary waste, lay scattered

at his feet; a fearful light fell on everything around; so far as the eye could reach, nothing but objects of dread

and horror presented themselves. Vainly striving to utter a cry of terror, with his tongue cleaving to his

mouth, he rushed madly forward. Armed with supernatural strength, he waded through the sand, until,

exhausted with fatigue and thirst, he fell senseless on the earth. What fragrant coolness revived him; what

gushing sound was that? Water! It was indeed a well; and the clear fresh stream was running at his feet. He

drank deeply of it, and throwing his aching limbs upon the bank, sank into a delicious trance. The sound of

approaching footsteps roused him. An old grayheaded man tottered forward to slake his burning thirst. It

was HE again! Fe wound his arms round the old man's body, and held him back. He struggled, and shrieked

for waterfor but one drop of water to save his life! But he held the old man firmly, and watched his agonies

with greedy eyes; and when his lifeless head fell forward on his bosom, he rolled the corpse from him with

'When the fever left him, and consciousness returned, he awoke to find himself rich and free, to hear that the

parent who would have let him die in jailWOULD! who HAD let those who were far dearer to him than

his own existence die of want, and sickness of heart that medicine cannot curehad been found dead in his

bed of down. He had had all the heart to leave his son a beggar, but proud even of his health and strength, had

put off the act till it was too late, and now might gnash his teeth in the other world, at the thought of the

wealth his remissness had left him. He awoke to this, and he awoke to more. To recollect the purpose for

which he lived, and to remember that his enemy was his wife's own fatherthe man who had cast him into

prison, and who, when his daughter and her child sued at his feet for mercy, had spurned them from his door.

Oh, how he cursed the weakness that prevented him from being up, and active, in his scheme of vengeance!

'He caused himself to be carried from the scene of his loss and misery, and conveyed to a quiet residence on

the seacoast; not in the hope of recovering his peace of mind or happiness, for both were fled for ever; but to

restore his prostrate energies, and meditate on his darling object. And here, some evil spirit cast in his way

'It was summertime; and wrapped in his gloomy thoughts, he would issue from his solitary lodgings early in

the evening, and wandering along a narrow path beneath the cliffs, to a wild and lonely spot that had struck

his fancy in his ramblings, seat himself on some fallen fragment of the rock, and burying his face in his

hands, remain there for hourssometimes until night had completely closed in, and the long shadows of the

frowning cliffs above his head cast a thick, black darkness on every object near him.

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'He was seated here, one calm evening, in his old position, now and then raising his head to watch the flight

of a seagull, or carry his eye along the glorious crimson path, which, commencing in the middle of the

ocean, seemed to lead to its very verge where the sun was setting, when the profound stillness of the spot was

broken by a loud cry for help; he listened, doubtful of his having heard aright, when the cry was repeated

with even greater vehemence than before, and, starting to his feet, he hastened in the direction whence it

'The tale told itself at once: some scattered garments lay on the beach; a human head was just visible above

the waves at a little distance from the shore; and an old man, wringing his hands in agony, was running to and

fro, shrieking for assistance. The invalid, whose strength was now sufficiently restored, threw off his coat,

and rushed towards the sea, with the intention of plunging in, and dragging the drowning man ashore.

'"Hasten here, Sir, in God's name; help, help, sir, for the love of Heaven. He is my son, Sir, my only son!"

said the old man frantically, as he advanced to meet him. "My only son, Sir, and he is dying before his

'At the first word the old man uttered, the stranger checked himself in his career, and, folding his arms, stood

'"Heyling!" said the old man wildly; "my boy, Heyling, my dear boy, look, look!" Gasping for breath, the

miserable father pointed to the spot where the young man was struggling for life.

'"Hark!" said the old man. "He cries once more. He is alive yet. Heyling, save him, save him!"

'The stranger smiled again, and remained immovable as a statue. '"I have wronged you," shrieked the old

man, falling on his knees, and clasping his hands together. "Be revenged; take my all, my life; cast me into

the water at your feet, and, if human nature can repress a struggle, I will die, without stirring hand or foot. Do

'"Listen," said the stranger, grasping the old man fiercely by the wrist; "I will have life for life, and here is

ONE. MY child died, before his father's eyes, a far more agonising and painful death than that young

slanderer of his sister's worth is meeting while I speak. You laughedlaughed in your daughter's face, where

death had already set his handat our sufferings, then. What think you of them now! See there, see there!"

'As the stranger spoke, he pointed to the sea. A faint cry died away upon its surface; the last powerful struggle

of the dying man agitated the rippling waves for a few seconds; and the spot where he had gone down into his

'Three years had elapsed, when a gentleman alighted from a private carriage at the door of a London attorney,

then well known as a man of no great nicety in his professional dealings, and requested a private interview on

business of importance. Although evidently not past the prime of life, his face was pale, haggard, and

dejected; and it did not require the acute perception of the man of business, to discern at a glance, that disease

or suffering had done more to work a change in his appearance, than the mere hand of time could have

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 196

'The attorney bowed obsequiously, and glanced at a large packet which the gentleman carried in his hand. His

'"It is no common business," said he; "nor have these papers reached my hands without long trouble and great

'The attorney cast a still more anxious look at the packet; and his visitor, untying the string that bound it,

disclosed a quantity of promissory notes, with copies of deeds, and other documents.

'"Upon these papers," said the client, "the man whose name they bear, has raised, as you will see, large sums

of money, for years past. There was a tacit understanding between him and the men into whose hands they

originally wentand from whom I have by degrees purchased the whole, for treble and quadruple their

nominal valuethat these loans should be from time to time renewed, until a given period had elapsed. Such

an understanding is nowhere expressed. He has sustained many losses of late; and these obligations

'"The whole amount is many thousands of pounds," said the attorney, looking over the papers.

'"Do!" replied the client, with sudden vehemence. "Put every engine of the law in force, every trick that

ingenuity can devise and rascality execute; fair means and foul; the open oppression of the law, aided by all

the craft of its most ingenious practitioners. I would have him die a harassing and lingering death. Ruin him,

seize and sell his lands and goods, drive him from house and home, and drag him forth a beggar in his old

'"But the costs, my dear Sir, the costs of all this," reasoned the attorney, when he had recovered from his

momentary surprise. "If the defendant be a man of straw, who is to pay the costs, Sir?"

'"Name any sum," said the stranger, his hand trembling so violently with excitement, that he could scarcely

hold the pen he seized as he spoke"any sum, and it is yours. Don't be afraid to name it, man. I shall not

'The attorney named a large sum, at hazard, as the advance he should require to secure himself against the

possibility of loss; but more with the view of ascertaining how far his client was really disposed to go, than

with any idea that he would comply with the demand. The stranger wrote a cheque upon his banker, for the

'The draft was duly honoured, and the attorney, finding that his strange client might be safely relied upon,

commenced his work in earnest. For more than two years afterwards, Mr. Heyling would sit whole days

together, in the office, poring over the papers as they accumulated, and reading again and again, his eyes

gleaming with joy, the letters of remonstrance, the prayers for a little delay, the representations of the certain

ruin in which the opposite party must be involved, which poured in, as suit after suit, and process after

process, was commenced. To all applications for a brief indulgence, there was but one replythe money

must be paid. Land, house, furniture, each in its turn, was taken under some one of the numerous executions

which were issued; and the old man himself would have been immured in prison had he not escaped the

'The implacable animosity of Heyling, so far from being satiated by the success of his persecution, increased

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 197

a hundredfold with the ruin he inflicted. On being informed of the old man's flight, his fury was unbounded.

He gnashed his teeth with rage, tore the hair from his head, and assailed with horrid imprecations the men

who had been intrusted with the writ. He was only restored to comparative calmness by repeated assurances

of the certainty of discovering the fugitive. Agents were sent in quest of him, in all directions; every

stratagem that could be invented was resorted to, for the purpose of discovering his place of retreat; but it was

'At length late one night, Heyling, of whom nothing had been seen for many weeks before, appeared at his

attorney's private residence, and sent up word that a gentleman wished to see him instantly. Before the

attorney, who had recognised his voice from above stairs, could order the servant to admit him, he had rushed

up the staircase, and entered the drawingroom pale and breathless. Having closed the door, to prevent being

'"He lies concealed in a wretched lodging in Camden Town," said Heyling. "Perhaps it is as well we DID lose

sight of him, for he has been living alone there, in the most abject misery, all the time, and he is poorvery

'"Very good," said the attorney. "You will have the caption made tomorrow, of course?"

'"Yes," replied Heyling. "Stay! No! The next day. You are surprised at my wishing to postpone it," he added,

with a ghastly smile; "but I had forgotten. The next day is an anniversary in his life: let it be done then."

'"Very good," said the attorney. "Will you write down instructions for the officer?"

'"No; let him meet me here, at eight in the evening, and I will accompany him myself."

'They met on the appointed night, and, hiring a hackney coach, directed the driver to stop at that corner of

the old Pancras Road, at which stands the parish workhouse. By the time they alighted there, it was quite

dark; and, proceeding by the dead wall in front of the Veterinary Hospital, they entered a small bystreet,

which is, or was at that time, called Little College Street, and which, whatever it may be now, was in those

days a desolate place enough, surrounded by little else than fields and ditches.

'Having drawn the travellingcap he had on half over his face, and muffled himself in his cloak, Heyling

stopped before the meanestlooking house in the street, and knocked gently at the door. It was at once

opened by a woman, who dropped a curtsey of recognition, and Heyling, whispering the officer to remain

below, crept gently upstairs, and, opening the door of the front room, entered at once.

'The object of his search and his unrelenting animosity, now a decrepit old man, was seated at a bare deal

table, on which stood a miserable candle. He started on the entrance of the stranger, and rose feebly to his

'"What now, what now?" said the old man. "What fresh misery is this? What do you want here?"

'"A word with YOU," replied Heyling. As he spoke, he seated himself at the other end of the table, and,

'The old man seemed instantly deprived of speech. He fell backward in his chair, and, clasping his hands

CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT 198

'"This day six years," said Heyling, "I claimed the life you owed me for my child's. Beside the lifeless form of

your daughter, old man, I swore to live a life of revenge. I have never swerved from my purpose for a

moment's space; but if I had, one thought of her uncomplaining, suffering look, as she drooped away, or of

the starving face of our innocent child, would have nerved me to my task. My first act of requital you well

'"I leave England tomorrow," said Heyling, after a moment's pause. "Tonight I consign you to the living

'He raised his eyes to the old man's countenance, and paused. He lifted the light to his face, set it gently

'"You had better see to the old man," he said to the woman, as he opened the door, and motioned the officer

to follow him into the street. "I think he is ill." The woman closed the door, ran hastily upstairs, and found

'Beneath a plain gravestone, in one of the most peaceful and secluded churchyards in Kent, where wild

flowers mingle with the grass, and the soft landscape around forms the fairest spot in the garden of England,

lie the bones of the young mother and her gentle child. But the ashes of the father do not mingle with theirs;

nor, from that night forward, did the attorney ever gain the remotest clue to the subsequent history of his

queer client.' As the old man concluded his tale, he advanced to a peg in one corner, and taking down his hat

and coat, put them on with great deliberation; and, without saying another word, walked slowly away. As the

gentleman with the Mosaic studs had fallen asleep, and the major part of the company were deeply occupied

in the humorous process of dropping melted tallowgrease into his brandyandwater, Mr. Pickwick

departed unnoticed, and having settled his own score, and that of Mr. Weller, issued forth, in company with

'That 'ere your governor's luggage, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller of his affectionate son, as he entered the

yard of the Bull Inn, Whitechapel, with a travellingbag and a small portmanteau.

'You might ha' made a worser guess than that, old feller,' replied Mr. Weller the younger, setting down his

burden in the yard, and sitting himself down upon it afterwards. 'The governor hisself'll be down here

'Yes, he's a havin' two mile o' danger at eightpence,' responded the son. 'How's motherinlaw this

'Queer, Sammy, queer,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, with impressive gravity. 'She's been gettin' rayther in the

Methodistical order lately, Sammy; and she is uncommon pious, to be sure. She's too good a creetur for me,

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'Wery,' replied his parent, with a sigh. 'She's got hold o' some inwention for grownup people being born

again, Sammythe new birth, I think they calls it. I should wery much like to see that system in haction,

Sammy. I should wery much like to see your motherinlaw born again. Wouldn't I put her out to nurse!'

'What do you think them women does t'other day,' continued Mr. Weller, after a short pause, during which he

had significantly struck the side of his nose with his forefinger some halfdozen times. 'What do you think

'Goes and gets up a grand tea drinkin' for a feller they calls their shepherd,' said Mr. Weller. 'I was astanding

starin' in at the pictur shop down at our place, when I sees a little bill about it; "tickets halfacrown. All

applications to be made to the committee. Secretary, Mrs. Weller"; and when I got home there was the

committee asittin' in our back parlour. Fourteen women; I wish you could ha' heard 'em, Sammy. There they

was, apassin' resolutions, and wotin' supplies, and all sorts o' games. Well, what with your motherinlaw

aworrying me to go, and what with my looking for'ard to seein' some queer starts if I did, I put my name

down for a ticket; at six o'clock on the Friday evenin' I dresses myself out wery smart, and off I goes with the

old 'ooman, and up we walks into a fustfloor where there was teathings for thirty, and a whole lot o'

women as begins whisperin' to one another, and lookin' at me, as if they'd never seen a rayther stout gen'l'm'n

of eightandfifty afore. By and by, there comes a great bustle downstairs, and a lanky chap with a red nose

and a white neckcloth rushes up, and sings out, "Here's the shepherd acoming to wisit his faithful flock;"

and in comes a fat chap in black, vith a great white face, asmilin' avay like clockwork. Such goin's on,

Sammy! "The kiss of peace," says the shepherd; and then he kissed the women all round, and ven he'd done,

the man vith the red nose began. I was just athinkin' whether I hadn't better begin too'specially as there

was a wery nice lady asittin' next meven in comes the tea, and your motherinlaw, as had been makin'

the kettle bile downstairs. At it they went, tooth and nail. Such a precious loud hymn, Sammy, while the tea

was a brewing; such a grace, such eatin' and drinkin'! I wish you could ha' seen the shepherd walkin' into the

ham and muffins. I never see such a chap to eat and drink never. The rednosed man warn't by no means

the sort of person you'd like to grub by contract, but he was nothin' to the shepherd. Well; arter the tea was

over, they sang another hymn, and then the shepherd began to preach: and wery well he did it, considerin'

how heavy them muffins must have lied on his chest. Presently he pulls up, all of a sudden, and hollers out,

"Where is the sinner; where is the mis'rable sinner?" Upon which, all the women looked at me, and began to

groan as if they was adying. I thought it was rather sing'ler, but howsoever, I says nothing. Presently he

pulls up again, and lookin' wery hard at me, says, "Where is the sinner; where is the mis'rable sinner?" and all

the women groans again, ten times louder than afore. I got rather savage at this, so I takes a step or two

for'ard and says, "My friend," says I, "did you apply that 'ere obserwation to me?" 'Stead of beggin' my

pardon as any gen'l'm'n would ha' done, he got more abusive than ever:called me a wessel, Sammya

wessel of wrathand all sorts o' names. So my blood being reg'larly up, I first gave him two or three for

himself, and then two or three more to hand over to the man with the red nose, and walked off. I wish you

could ha' heard how the women screamed, Sammy, ven they picked up the shepherd from underneath the

As Mr. Weller spoke, Mr. Pickwick dismounted from a cab, and entered the yard. 'Fine mornin', Sir,' said Mr.

'Beautiful indeed,' echoes a redhaired man with an inquisitive nose and green spectacles, who had unpacked

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'Bless my soul, how remarkableI am going outside, too,' said the redhaired man; 'we are positively going

together.' And the redhaired man, who was an importantlooking, sharpnosed, mysteriousspoken

personage, with a birdlike habit of giving his head a jerk every time he said anything, smiled as if he had

made one of the strangest discoveries that ever fell to the lot of human wisdom.

'Ah,' said the newcomer, 'it's a good thing for both of us, isn't it? Company, you

'There's no denying that 'ere,' said Mr. Weller, joining in the conversation, with an affable smile. 'That's what

I call a self evident proposition, as the dog'smeat man said, when the housemaid told him he warn't a

'Ah,' said the redhaired man, surveying Mr. Weller from head to foot with a supercilious look. 'Friend of

'Not exactly a friend,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in a low tone. 'The fact is, he is my servant, but I allow him to

take a good many liberties; for, between ourselves, I flatter myself he is an original, and I am rather proud of

'Ah,' said the redhaired man, 'that, you see, is a matter of taste. I am not fond of anything original; I don't

'Here is my card, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, much amused by the abruptness of the question, and the singular

'Ah,' said the redhaired man, placing the card in his pocket book, 'Pickwick; very good. I like to know a

man's name, it saves so much trouble. That's my card, sir. Magnus, you will perceive, sirMagnus is my

'A very good name, indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick, wholly unable to repress a smile.

'Yes, I think it is,' resumed Mr. Magnus. 'There's a good name before it, too, you will observe. Permit me,

sirif you hold the card a little slanting, this way, you catch the light upon the upstroke. TherePeter

'Curious circumstance about those initials, sir,' said Mr. Magnus. 'You will observeP.M.post meridian.

In hasty notes to intimate acquaintance, I sometimes sign myself "Afternoon." It amuses my friends very

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'It is calculated to afford them the highest gratification, I should conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick, rather envying

'Excuse me,' replied Magnus, standing on the wheel. 'Excuse me, Mr. Pickwick. I cannot consent to get up, in

this state of uncertainty. I am quite satisfied from that man's manner, that the leather hatbox is not in.'

The solemn protestations of the hostler being wholly unavailing, the leather hatbox was obliged to be raked

up from the lowest depth of the boot, to satisfy him that it had been safely packed; and after he had been

assured on this head, he felt a solemn presentiment, first, that the red bag was mislaid, and next that the

striped bag had been stolen, and then that the brownpaper parcel 'had come untied.' At length when he had

received ocular demonstration of the groundless nature of each and every of these suspicions, he consented to

climb up to the roof of the coach, observing that now he had taken everything off his mind, he felt quite

'You're given to nervousness, ain't you, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller, senior, eyeing the stranger askance, as he

'Yes; I always am rather about these little matters,' said the stranger, 'but I am all right nowquite right.'

'Well, that's a blessin', said Mr. Weller. 'Sammy, help your master up to the box; t'other leg, Sir, that's it; give

us your hand, Sir. Up with you. You was a lighter weight when you was a boy, sir.' 'True enough, that, Mr.

Weller,' said the breathless Mr. Pickwick goodhumouredly, as he took his seat on the box beside him.

'Jump up in front, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'Now Villam, run 'em out. Take care o' the archvay, gen'l'm'n.

"Heads," as the pieman says. That'll do, Villam. Let 'em alone.' And away went the coach up Whitechapel, to

the admiration of the whole population of that pretty densely populated quarter.

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'Not a wery nice neighbourhood, this, Sir,' said Sam, with a touch of the hat, which always preceded his

'It is not indeed, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, surveying the crowded and filthy street through which they were

'It's a wery remarkable circumstance, Sir,' said Sam, 'that poverty and oysters always seem to go together.'

'What I mean, sir,' said Sam, 'is, that the poorer a place is, the greater call there seems to be for oysters. Look

here, sir; here's a oysterstall to every halfdozen houses. The street's lined vith 'em. Blessed if I don't think

that ven a man's wery poor, he rushes out of his lodgings, and eats oysters in reg'lar desperation.'

'To be sure he does,' said Mr. Weller, senior; 'and it's just the same vith pickled salmon!'

'Those are two very remarkable facts, which never occurred to me before,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'The very first

By this time they had reached the turnpike at Mile End; a profound silence prevailed until they had got two or

three miles farther on, when Mr. Weller, senior, turning suddenly to Mr. Pickwick, said

'The old 'un means a turnpikekeeper, gen'l'm'n,' observed Mr. Samuel Weller, in explanation.

'They're all on 'em men as has met vith some disappointment in life,' said Mr. Weller, senior.

'Yes. Consequence of vich, they retires from the world, and shuts themselves up in pikes; partly with the view

of being solitary, and partly to rewenge themselves on mankind by takin' tolls.'

'Fact, Sir,' said Mr. Weller; 'if they was gen'l'm'n, you'd call 'em misanthropes, but as it is, they only takes to

With such conversation, possessing the inestimable charm of blending amusement with instruction, did Mr.

Weller beguile the tediousness of the journey, during the greater part of the day. Topics of conversation were

never wanting, for even when any pause occurred in Mr. Weller's loquacity, it was abundantly supplied by

the desire evinced by Mr. Magnus to make himself acquainted with the whole of the personal history of his

fellow travellers, and his loudlyexpressed anxiety at every stage, respecting the safety and wellbeing of

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In the main street of Ipswich, on the lefthand side of the way, a short distance after you have passed through

the open space fronting the Town Hall, stands an inn known far and wide by the appellation of the Great

White Horse, rendered the more conspicuous by a stone statue of some rampacious animal with flowing mane

and tail, distantly resembling an insane carthorse, which is elevated above the principal door. The Great

White Horse is famous in the neighbourhood, in the same degree as a prize ox, or a countypaperchronicled

turnip, or unwieldy pig for its enormous size. Never was such labyrinths of uncarpeted passages, such

clusters of mouldy, illlighted rooms, such huge numbers of small dens for eating or sleeping in, beneath any

one roof, as are collected together between the four walls of the Great White Horse at Ipswich.

It was at the door of this overgrown tavern that the London coach stopped, at the same hour every evening;

and it was from this same London coach that Mr. Pickwick, Sam Weller, and Mr. Peter Magnus dismounted,

'Do you stop here, sir?' inquired Mr. Peter Magnus, when the striped bag, and the red bag, and the

brownpaper parcel, and the leather hatbox, had all been deposited in the passage. 'Do you stop here, sir?'

'Dear me,' said Mr. Magnus, 'I never knew anything like these extraordinary coincidences. Why, I stop here

'With pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'I am not quite certain whether I have any friends here or not, though.

A corpulent man, with a fortnight's napkin under his arm, and coeval stockings on his legs, slowly desisted

from his occupation of staring down the street, on this question being put to him by Mr. Pickwick; and, after

minutely inspecting that gentleman's appearance, from the crown of his hat to the lowest button of his gaiters,

'My friends have not arrived today, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'We will dine alone, then. Show us a private

On this request being preferred, the corpulent man condescended to order the boots to bring in the

gentlemen's luggage; and preceding them down a long, dark passage, ushered them into a large,

badlyfurnished apartment, with a dirty grate, in which a small fire was making a wretched attempt to be

cheerful, but was fast sinking beneath the dispiriting influence of the place. After the lapse of an hour, a bit of

fish and a steak was served up to the travellers, and when the dinner was cleared away, Mr. Pickwick and Mr.

Peter Magnus drew their chairs up to the fire, and having ordered a bottle of the worst possible port wine, at

the highest possible price, for the good of the house, drank brandyandwater for their own.

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Mr. Peter Magnus was naturally of a very communicative disposition, and the brandyandwater operated

with wonderful effect in warming into life the deepest hidden secrets of his bosom. After sundry accounts of

himself, his family, his connections, his friends, his jokes, his business, and his brothers (most talkative men

have a great deal to say about their brothers), Mr. Peter Magnus took a view of Mr. Pickwick through his

'And what do you thinkwhat DO you think, Mr. PickwickI have come down here for?'

'Upon my word,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'it is wholly impossible for me to guess; on business, perhaps.'

'Partly right, Sir,' replied Mr. Peter Magnus, 'but partly wrong at the same time; try again, Mr. Pickwick.'

'Really,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I must throw myself on your mercy, to tell me or not, as you may think best; for I

'Why, then, hehehe!' said Mr. Peter Magnus, with a bashful titter, 'what should you think, Mr. Pickwick, if

'Think! That you are very likely to succeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with one of his beaming smiles. 'Ah!' said

'Why, then,' said Mr. Magnus, 'to let you into a little secret, I think so too. I don't mind telling you, Mr.

Pickwick, although I'm dreadful jealous by naturehorridthat the lady is in this house.' Here Mr. Magnus

'That's what you were running out of the room for, before dinner, then, so often,' said Mr. Pickwick archly.

'No; wouldn't do, you know, after having just come off a journey. Wait till tomorrow, sir; double the chance

then. Mr. Pickwick, Sir, there is a suit of clothes in that bag, and a hat in that box, which, I expect, in the

'Yes; you must have observed my anxiety about them today. I do not believe that such another suit of

Mr. Pickwick congratulated the fortunate owner of the irresistible garments on their acquisition; and Mr.

Peter Magnus remained a few moments apparently absorbed in contemplation. 'She's a fine creature,' said Mr.

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'Very,' said Mr. Magnus. 'very. She lives about twenty miles from here, Mr. Pickwick. I heard she would be

here tonight and all tomorrow forenoon, and came down to seize the opportunity. I think an inn is a good

sort of a place to propose to a single woman in, Mr. Pickwick. She is more likely to feel the loneliness of her

situation in travelling, perhaps, than she would be at home. What do you think, Mr. Pickwick?'

'I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'but I am naturally rather curious; what may you

'On a far less pleasant errand, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, the colour mounting to his face at the recollection. 'I

have come down here, Sir, to expose the treachery and falsehood of an individual, upon whose truth and

'Dear me,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'that's very unpleasant. It is a lady, I presume? Eh? ah! Sly, Mr. Pickwick,

sly. Well, Mr. Pickwick, sir, I wouldn't probe your feelings for the world. Painful subjects, these, sir, very

painful. Don't mind me, Mr. Pickwick, if you wish to give vent to your feelings. I know what it is to be jilted,

'I am much obliged to you, for your condolence on what you presume to be my melancholy case,' said Mr.

'No, no,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'not a word more; it's a painful subject. I see, I see. What's the time, Mr.

'Dear me, it's time to go to bed. It will never do, sitting here. I shall be pale tomorrow, Mr. Pickwick.'

At the bare notion of such a calamity, Mr. Peter Magnus rang the bell for the chambermaid; and the striped

bag, the red bag, the leathern hatbox, and the brownpaper parcel, having been conveyed to his bedroom, he

retired in company with a japanned candlestick, to one side of the house, while Mr. Pickwick, and another

japanned candlestick, were conducted through a multitude of tortuous windings, to another.

'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking round him. It was a tolerably large doublebedded room, with a

fire; upon the whole, a more comfortablelooking apartment than Mr. Pickwick's short experience of the

'Very good. Tell my servant to bring me up some hot water at halfpast eight in the morning, and that I shall

'Yes, Sir,' and bidding Mr. Pickwick goodnight, the chambermaid retired, and left him alone.

Mr. Pickwick sat himself down in a chair before the fire, and fell into a train of rambling meditations. First he

thought of his friends, and wondered when they would join him; then his mind reverted to Mrs. Martha

Bardell; and from that lady it wandered, by a natural process, to the dingy countinghouse of Dodson Fogg.

From Dodson Fogg's it flew off at a tangent, to the very centre of the history of the queer client; and then it

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came back to the Great White Horse at Ipswich, with sufficient clearness to convince Mr. Pickwick that he

was falling asleep. So he roused himself, and began to undress, when he recollected he had left his watch on

Now this watch was a special favourite with Mr. Pickwick, having been carried about, beneath the shadow of

his waistcoat, for a greater number of years than we feel called upon to state at present. The possibility of

going to sleep, unless it were ticking gently beneath his pillow, or in the watchpocket over his head, had

never entered Mr. Pickwick's brain. So as it was pretty late now, and he was unwilling to ring his bell at that

hour of the night, he slipped on his coat, of which he had just divested himself, and taking the japanned

candlestick in his hand, walked quietly downstairs. The more stairs Mr. Pickwick went down, the more stairs

there seemed to be to descend, and again and again, when Mr. Pickwick got into some narrow passage, and

began to congratulate himself on having gained the groundfloor, did another flight of stairs appear before

his astonished eyes. At last he reached a stone hall, which he remembered to have seen when he entered the

house. Passage after passage did he explore; room after room did he peep into; at length, as he was on the

point of giving up the search in despair, he opened the door of the identical room in which he had spent the

Mr. Pickwick seized the watch in triumph, and proceeded to retrace his steps to his bedchamber. If his

progress downward had been attended with difficulties and uncertainty, his journey back was infinitely more

perplexing. Rows of doors, garnished with boots of every shape, make, and size, branched off in every

possible direction. A dozen times did he softly turn the handle of some bedroom door which resembled his

own, when a gruff cry from within of 'Who the devil's that?' or 'What do you want here?' caused him to steal

away, on tiptoe, with a perfectly marvellous celerity. He was reduced to the verge of despair, when an open

door attracted his attention. He peeped in. Right at last! There were the two beds, whose situation he perfectly

remembered, and the fire still burning. His candle, not a long one when he first received it, had flickered

away in the drafts of air through which he had passed and sank into the socket as he closed the door after him.

'No matter,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I can undress myself just as well by the light of the fire.'

The bedsteads stood one on each side of the door; and on the inner side of each was a little path, terminating

in a rush bottomed chair, just wide enough to admit of a person's getting into or out of bed, on that side, if

he or she thought proper. Having carefully drawn the curtains of his bed on the outside, Mr. Pickwick sat

down on the rushbottomed chair, and leisurely divested himself of his shoes and gaiters. He then took off

and folded up his coat, waistcoat, and neckcloth, and slowly drawing on his tasselled nightcap, secured it

firmly on his head, by tying beneath his chin the strings which he always had attached to that article of dress.

It was at this moment that the absurdity of his recent bewilderment struck upon his mind. Throwing himself

back in the rushbottomed chair, Mr. Pickwick laughed to himself so heartily, that it would have been quite

delightful to any man of wellconstituted mind to have watched the smiles that expanded his amiable features

'It is the best idea,' said Mr. Pickwick to himself, smiling till he almost cracked the nightcap strings'it is the

best idea, my losing myself in this place, and wandering about these staircases, that I ever heard of. Droll,

droll, very droll.' Here Mr. Pickwick smiled again, a broader smile than before, and was about to continue the

process of undressing, in the best possible humour, when he was suddenly stopped by a most unexpected

interruption: to wit, the entrance into the room of some person with a candle, who, after locking the door,

The smile that played on Mr. Pickwick's features was instantaneously lost in a look of the most unbounded

and wonder stricken surprise. The person, whoever it was, had come in so suddenly and with so little noise,

that Mr. Pickwick had had no time to call out, or oppose their entrance. Who could it be? A robber? Some

evilminded person who had seen him come upstairs with a handsome watch in his hand, perhaps. What was

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The only way in which Mr. Pickwick could catch a glimpse of his mysterious visitor with the least danger of

being seen himself, was by creeping on to the bed, and peeping out from between the curtains on the opposite

side. To this manoeuvre he accordingly resorted. Keeping the curtains carefully closed with his hand, so that

nothing more of him could be seen than his face and nightcap, and putting on his spectacles, he mustered up

Mr. Pickwick almost fainted with horror and dismay. Standing before the dressingglass was a middleaged

lady, in yellow curl papers, busily engaged in brushing what ladies call their 'back hair.' However the

unconscious middleaged lady came into that room, it was quite clear that she contemplated remaining there

for the night; for she had brought a rushlight and shade with her, which, with praiseworthy precaution against

fire, she had stationed in a basin on the floor, where it was glimmering away, like a gigantic lighthouse in a

'Hem!' said the lady; and in went Mr. Pickwick's head with automatonlike rapidity.

'I never met with anything so awful as this,' thought poor Mr. Pickwick, the cold perspiration starting in drops

It was quite impossible to resist the urgent desire to see what was going forward. So out went Mr. Pickwick's

head again. The prospect was worse than before. The middleaged lady had finished arranging her hair; had

carefully enveloped it in a muslin nightcap with a small plaited border; and was gazing pensively on the fire.

'This matter is growing alarming,' reasoned Mr. Pickwick with himself. 'I can't allow things to go on in this

way. By the self possession of that lady, it is clear to me that I must have come into the wrong room. If I

call out she'll alarm the house; but if I remain here the consequences will be still more frightful.' Mr.

Pickwick, it is quite unnecessary to say, was one of the most modest and delicateminded of mortals. The

very idea of exhibiting his nightcap to a lady overpowered him, but he had tied those confounded strings in a

knot, and, do what he would, he couldn't get it off. The disclosure must be made. There was only one other

That the lady started at this unexpected sound was evident, by her falling up against the rushlight shade; that

she persuaded herself it must have been the effect of imagination was equally clear, for when Mr. Pickwick,

under the impression that she had fainted away stonedead with fright, ventured to peep out again, she was

'Most extraordinary female this,' thought Mr. Pickwick, popping in again. 'Hahum!'

These last sounds, so like those in which, as legends inform us, the ferocious giant Blunderbore was in the

habit of expressing his opinion that it was time to lay the cloth, were too distinctly audible to be again

'It's it'sonly a gentleman, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, from behind the curtains.

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'A strange man!' shrieked the lady. Another instant and the house would be alarmed. Her garments rustled as

'Ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, thrusting out his head. in the extremity of his desperation, 'ma'am!'

Now, although Mr. Pickwick was not actuated by any definite object in putting out his head, it was

instantaneously productive of a good effect. The lady, as we have already stated, was near the door. She must

pass it, to reach the staircase, and she would most undoubtedly have done so by this time, had not the sudden

apparition of Mr. Pickwick's nightcap driven her back into the remotest corner of the apartment, where she

stood staring wildly at Mr. Pickwick, while Mr. Pickwick in his turn stared wildly at her.

'Wretch,' said the lady, covering her eyes with her hands, 'what do you want here?'

'Nothing, ma'am, upon my honour,' said Mr. Pickwick, nodding his head so energetically, that the tassel of his

nightcap danced again. 'I am almost ready to sink, ma'am, beneath the confusion of addressing a lady in my

nightcap (here the lady hastily snatched off hers), but I can't get it off, ma'am (here Mr. Pickwick gave it a

tremendous tug, in proof of the statement). It is evident to me, ma'am, now, that I have mistaken this bedroom

for my own. I had not been here five minutes, ma'am, when you suddenly entered it.'

'If this improbable story be really true, Sir,' said the lady, sobbing violently, 'you will leave it instantly.'

'Certainly, ma'am,' interposed Mr. Pickwick, very quickly. 'Certainly, ma'am. IIam very sorry, ma'am,'

said Mr. Pickwick, making his appearance at the bottom of the bed, 'to have been the innocent occasion of

The lady pointed to the door. One excellent quality of Mr. Pickwick's character was beautifully displayed at

this moment, under the most trying circumstances. Although he had hastily Put on his hat over his nightcap,

after the manner of the old patrol; although he carried his shoes and gaiters in his hand, and his coat and

'Immediately, ma'am; this instant, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, opening the door, and dropping both his shoes

'I trust, ma'am,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, gathering up his shoes, and turning round to bow again'I trust,

ma'am, that my unblemished character, and the devoted respect I entertain for your sex, will plead as some

slight excuse for this' But before Mr. Pickwick could conclude the sentence, the lady had thrust him into

CHAPTER XXII. Mr. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE WITH A MIDDLEAGED LADY IN YELLOW CURLPAPERS 209

Whatever grounds of selfcongratulation Mr. Pickwick might have for having escaped so quietly from his

late awkward situation, his present position was by no means enviable. He was alone, in an open passage, in a

strange house in the middle of the night, half dressed; it was not to be supposed that he could find his way in

perfect darkness to a room which he had been wholly unable to discover with a light, and if he made the

slightest noise in his fruitless attempts to do so, he stood every chance of being shot at, and perhaps killed, by

some wakeful traveller. He had no resource but to remain where he was until daylight appeared. So after

groping his way a few paces down the passage, and, to his infinite alarm, stumbling over several pairs of

boots in so doing, Mr. Pickwick crouched into a little recess in the wall, to wait for morning, as

He was not destined, however, to undergo this additional trial of patience; for he had not been long ensconced

in his present concealment when, to his unspeakable horror, a man, bearing a light, appeared at the end of the

passage. His horror was suddenly converted into joy, however, when he recognised the form of his faithful

attendant. It was indeed Mr. Samuel Weller, who after sitting up thus late, in conversation with the boots,

Mr. Weller stared at his master with the most emphatic surprise; and it was not until the question had been

repeated three several times, that he turned round, and led the way to the longsought apartment.

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he got into bed, 'I have made one of the most extraordinary mistakes tonight,

'But of this I am determined, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'that if I were to stop in this house for six months, I

'That's the wery prudentest resolution as you could come to, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'You rayther want

'What do you mean by that, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. He raised himself in bed, and extended his hand, as if

he were about to say something more; but suddenly checking himself, turned round, and bade his valet

'Goodnight, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. He paused when he got outside the doorshook his headwalked

onstopped snuffed the candleshook his head againand finally proceeded slowly to his chamber,

In a small room in the vicinity of the stableyard, betimes in the morning, which was ushered in by Mr.

Pickwick's adventure with the middleaged lady in the yellow curlpapers, sat Mr. Weller, senior,

preparing himself for his journey to London. He was sitting in an excellent attitude for having his portrait

It is very possible that at some earlier period of his career, Mr. Weller's profile might have presented a bold

and determined outline. His face, however, had expanded under the influence of good living, and a

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 210

disposition remarkable for resignation; and its bold, fleshy curves had so far extended beyond the limits

originally assigned them, that unless you took a full view of his countenance in front, it was difficult to

distinguish more than the extreme tip of a very rubicund nose. His chin, from the same cause, had acquired

the grave and imposing form which is generally described by prefixing the word 'double' to that expressive

feature; and his complexion exhibited that peculiarly mottled combination of colours which is only to be seen

in gentlemen of his profession, and in underdone roast beef. Round his neck he wore a crimson

travellingshawl, which merged into his chin by such imperceptible gradations, that it was difficult to

distinguish the folds of the one, from the folds of the other. Over this, he mounted a long waistcoat of a broad

pinkstriped pattern, and over that again, a wideskirted green coat, ornamented with large brass buttons,

whereof the two which garnished the waist, were so far apart, that no man had ever beheld them both at the

same time. His hair, which was short, sleek, and black, was just visible beneath the capacious brim of a

lowcrowned brown hat. His legs were encased in kneecord breeches, and painted topboots; and a copper

watchchain, terminating in one seal, and a key of the same material, dangled loosely from his capacious

We have said that Mr. Weller was engaged in preparing for his journey to Londonhe was taking

sustenance, in fact. On the table before him, stood a pot of ale, a cold round of beef, and a very

respectablelooking loaf, to each of which he distributed his favours in turn, with the most rigid impartiality.

He had just cut a mighty slice from the latter, when the footsteps of somebody entering the room, caused him

The son walked up to the pot of ale, and nodding significantly to his parent, took a long draught by way of

'Wery good power o' suction, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller the elder, looking into the pot, when his firstborn

had set it down half empty. 'You'd ha' made an uncommon fine oyster, Sammy, if you'd been born in that

'Yes, I dessay, I should ha' managed to pick up a respectable livin',' replied Sam applying himself to the cold

'I'm wery sorry, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, shaking up the ale, by describing small circles with the

pot, preparatory to drinking. 'I'm wery sorry, Sammy, to hear from your lips, as you let yourself be

gammoned by that 'ere mulberry man. I always thought, up to three days ago, that the names of Veller and

'Widders, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, slightly changing colour. 'Widders are 'ceptions to ev'ry rule. I have

heerd how many ordinary women one widder's equal to in pint o' comin' over you. I think it's

'Besides,' continued Mr. Weller, not noticing the interruption, 'that's a wery different thing. You know what

the counsel said, Sammy, as defended the gen'l'm'n as beat his wife with the poker, venever he got jolly.

"And arter all, my Lord," says he, "it's a amiable weakness." So I says respectin' widders, Sammy, and so

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 211

'Ought to ha' know'd better!' repeated Mr. Weller, striking the table with his fist. 'Ought to ha' know'd better!

why, I know a young 'un as hasn't had half nor quarter your eddicationas hasn't slept about the markets, no,

not six monthswho'd ha' scorned to be let in, in such a vay; scorned it, Sammy.' In the excitement of

feeling produced by this agonising reflection, Mr. Weller rang the bell, and ordered an additional pint of ale.

'Well, it's no use talking about it now,' said Sam. 'It's over, and can't be helped, and that's one consolation, as

they always says in Turkey, ven they cuts the wrong man's head off. It's my innings now, gov'nor, and as

'I hope you will, Sammy. I hope you will,' returned Mr. Weller. 'Here's your health, Sammy, and may you

speedily vipe off the disgrace as you've inflicted on the family name.' In honour of this toast Mr. Weller

imbibed at a draught, at least twothirds of a newlyarrived pint, and handed it over to his son, to dispose of

'And now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, consulting a large double faced silver watch that hung at the end of the

copper chain. 'Now it's time I was up at the office to get my vaybill and see the coach loaded; for coaches,

Sammy, is like gunsthey requires to be loaded with wery great care, afore they go off.'

At this parental and professional joke, Mr. Weller, junior, smiled a filial smile. His revered parent continued

'I'm agoin' to leave you, Samivel, my boy, and there's no telling ven I shall see you again. Your

motherinlaw may ha' been too much for me, or a thousand things may have happened by the time you next

hears any news o' the celebrated Mr. Veller o' the Bell Savage. The family name depends wery much upon

you, Samivel, and I hope you'll do wot's right by it. Upon all little pints o' breedin', I know I may trust you as

vell as if it was my own self. So I've only this here one little bit of adwice to give you. If ever you gets to

up'ards o' fifty, and feels disposed to go amarryin' anybodyno matter whojist you shut yourself up in

your own room, if you've got one, and pison yourself off hand. Hangin's wulgar, so don't you have nothin' to

say to that. Pison yourself, Samivel, my boy, pison yourself, and you'll be glad on it arterwards.' With these

affecting words, Mr. Weller looked steadfastly on his son, and turning slowly upon his heel, disappeared

In the contemplative mood which these words had awakened, Mr. Samuel Weller walked forth from the

Great White Horse when his father had left him; and bending his steps towards St. Clement's Church,

endeavoured to dissipate his melancholy, by strolling among its ancient precincts. He had loitered about, for

some time, when he found himself in a retired spota kind of courtyard of venerable appearancewhich he

discovered had no other outlet than the turning by which he had entered. He was about retracing his steps,

when he was suddenly transfixed to the spot by a sudden appearance; and the mode and manner of this

Mr. Samuel Weller had been staring up at the old brick houses now and then, in his deep abstraction,

bestowing a wink upon some healthylooking servant girl as she drew up a blind, or threw open a bedroom

window, when the green gate of a garden at the bottom of the yard opened, and a man having emerged

therefrom, closed the green gate very carefully after him, and walked briskly towards the very spot where Mr.

Now, taking this, as an isolated fact, unaccompanied by any attendant circumstances, there was nothing very

extraordinary in it; because in many parts of the world men do come out of gardens, close green gates after

them, and even walk briskly away, without attracting any particular share of public observation. It is clear,

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 212

therefore, that there must have been something in the man, or in his manner, or both, to attract Mr. Weller's

particular notice. Whether there was, or not, we must leave the reader to determine, when we have faithfully

When the man had shut the green gate after him, he walked, as we have said twice already, with a brisk pace

up the courtyard; but he no sooner caught sight of Mr. Weller than he faltered, and stopped, as if uncertain,

for the moment, what course to adopt. As the green gate was closed behind him, and there was no other outlet

but the one in front, however, he was not long in perceiving that he must pass Mr. Samuel Weller to get

away. He therefore resumed his brisk pace, and advanced, staring straight before him. The most extraordinary

thing about the man was, that he was contorting his face into the most fearful and astonishing grimaces that

ever were beheld. Nature's handiwork never was disguised with such extraordinary artificial carving, as the

'Well!' said Mr. Weller to himself, as the man approached. 'This is wery odd. I could ha' swore it was him.'

Up came the man, and his face became more frightfully distorted than ever, as he drew nearer.

'I could take my oath to that 'ere black hair and mulberry suit,' said Mr. Weller; 'only I never see such a face

As Mr. Weller said this, the man's features assumed an unearthly twinge, perfectly hideous. He was obliged

to pass very near Sam, however, and the scrutinising glance of that gentleman enabled him to detect, under all

these appalling twists of feature, something too like the small eyes of Mr. Job Trotter to be easily mistaken.

The man with the horrible face looked, with the greatest surprise, up the court, and down the court, and in at

the windows of the houseseverywhere but at Sam Wellerand took another step forward, when he was

There was no pretending to mistake where the voice came from now, so the stranger, having no other

'It won't do, Job Trotter,' said Sam. 'Come! None o' that 'ere nonsense. You ain't so wery 'andsome that you

can afford to throw avay many o' your good looks. Bring them 'ere eyes o' yourn back into their proper

As Mr. Weller appeared fully disposed to act up to the spirit of this address, Mr. Trotter gradually allowed his

face to resume its natural expression; and then giving a start of joy, exclaimed, 'What do I see? Mr. Walker!'

'Glad!' exclaimed Job Trotter; 'oh, Mr. Walker, if you had but known how I have looked forward to this

meeting! It is too much, Mr. Walker; I cannot bear it, indeed I cannot.' And with these words, Mr. Trotter

burst into a regular inundation of tears, and, flinging his arms around those of Mr. Weller, embraced him

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 213

'Get off!' cried Sam, indignant at this process, and vainly endeavouring to extricate himself from the grasp of

his enthusiastic acquaintance. 'Get off, I tell you. What are you crying over me for, you portable engine?'

'Because I am so glad to see you,' replied Job Trotter, gradually releasing Mr. Weller, as the first symptoms

'Too much!' echoed Sam, 'I think it is too muchrayther! Now, what have you got to say to me, eh?'

Mr. Trotter made no reply; for the little pink pockethandkerchief was in full force.

'What have you got to say to me, afore I knock your head off?' repeated Mr. Weller, in a threatening manner.

'Don't call me Valker; my name's Veller; you know that vell enough. What have you got to say to me?'

'Bless you, Mr. WalkerWeller, I meana great many things, if you will come away somewhere, where we

'Very, very, Sir,' replied Mr. Trotter, without moving a muscle of his face. 'But shake hands, Mr. Weller.'

Sam eyed his companion for a few seconds, and then, as if actuated by a sudden impulse, complied with his

request. 'How,' said Job Trotter, as they walked away, 'how is your dear, good master? Oh, he is a worthy

There was a momentary look of deep slyness in Job Trotter's eye, as he said this, which ran a thrill through

Mr. Weller's clenched fist, as he burned with a desire to make a demonstration on his ribs. Sam constrained

'Oh, yes, he is here, and I grieve to say, Mr. Weller, he is going on worse than ever.'

'No, not at a boardingschool,' replied Job Trotter, with the same sly look which Sam had noticed before; 'not

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 214

'No, nooh, not there,' replied Job, with a quickness very unusual to him, 'not there.'

'What was you adoin' there?' asked Sam, with a sharp glance. 'Got inside the gate by accident, perhaps?'

'Why, Mr. Weller,' replied Job, 'I don't mind telling you my little secrets, because, you know, we took such a

fancy for each other when we first met. You recollect how pleasant we were that morning?'

'Well,' replied Job, speaking with great precision, and in the low tone of a man who communicates an

important secret; 'in that house with the green gate, Mr. Weller, they keep a good many servants.'

'Yes,' continued Mr. Trotter, 'and one of them is a cook, who has saved up a little money, Mr. Weller, and is

desirous, if she can establish herself in life, to open a little shop in the chandlery way, you see.' 'Yes.'

'Yes, Mr. Weller. Well, Sir, I met her at a chapel that I go to; a very neat little chapel in this town, Mr.

Weller, where they sing the number four collection of hymns, which I generally carry about with me, in a

little book, which you may perhaps have seen in my handand I got a little intimate with her, Mr. Weller,

and from that, an acquaintance sprung up between us, and I may venture to say, Mr. Weller, that I am to be

'Ah, and a wery amiable chandler you'll make,' replied Sam, eyeing Job with a side look of intense dislike.

'The great advantage of this, Mr. Weller,' continued Job, his eyes filling with tears as he spoke, 'will be, that I

shall be able to leave my present disgraceful service with that bad man, and to devote myself to a better and

'Oh, very, Mr. Weller, very,' replied Job. At the recollection of the purity of his youthful days, Mr. Trotter

'Ah,' said Sam, 'I don't wonder at it. What a comfort you must ha' been to your blessed mother.'

At these words, Mr. Job Trotter inserted an end of the pink handkerchief into the corner of each eye, one after

'Wot's the matter with the man,' said Sam, indignantly. 'Chelsea waterworks is nothin' to you. What are you

'I cannot keep my feelings down, Mr. Weller,' said Job, after a short pause. 'To think that my master should

have suspected the conversation I had with yours, and so dragged me away in a postchaise, and after

persuading the sweet young lady to say she knew nothing of him, and bribing the schoolmistress to do the

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER 215

same, deserted her for a better speculation! Oh! Mr. Weller, it makes me shudder.'

'Vell,' said Sam, as they had now arrived near the hotel, 'I vant to have a little bit o' talk with you, Job; so if

you're not partickler engaged, I should like to see you at the Great White Horse to night, somewheres about

'Yes, you'd better,' replied Sam, with a very meaning look, 'or else I shall perhaps be askin' arter you, at the

'I shall be sure to be with you, sir,' said Mr. Trotter; and wringing Sam's hand with the utmost fervour, he

'Take care, Job Trotter, take care,' said Sam, looking after him, 'or I shall be one too many for you this time. I

shall, indeed.' Having uttered this soliloquy, and looked after Job till he was to be seen no more, Mr. Weller

'Impossible, Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, with the greatest energy. 'Where are they, Sam: where are they?'

'Hush, hush!' replied Mr. Weller; and as he assisted Mr. Pickwick to dress, he detailed the plan of action on

When Mr. Pickwick descended to the room in which he and Mr. Peter Magnus had spent the preceding

evening, he found that gentleman with the major part of the contents of the two bags, the leathern hatbox,

and the brownpaper parcel, displaying to all possible advantage on his person, while he himself was pacing

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 216

'Very effective indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, surveying the garments of Mr. Peter Magnus with a

'Yes, I think it'll do,' said Mr. Magnus. 'Mr. Pickwick, Sir, I have sent up my card.'

'And the waiter brought back word, that she would see me at elevenat eleven, Sir; it only wants a quarter

'Yes, it is rather near,' replied Mr. Magnus, 'rather too near to be pleasanteh! Mr. Pickwick, sir?'

'I believe it is, Sir,' said Mr. Peter Magnus. 'I am very confident, Sir. Really, Mr. Pickwick, I do not see why a

man should feel any fear in such a case as this, sir. What is it, Sir? There's nothing to be ashamed of; it's a

matter of mutual accommodation, nothing more. Husband on one side, wife on the other. That's my view of

'It is a very philosophical one,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'But breakfast is waiting, Mr. Magnus. Come.'

Down they sat to breakfast, but it was evident, notwithstanding the boasting of Mr. Peter Magnus, that he

laboured under a very considerable degree of nervousness, of which loss of appetite, a propensity to upset the

teathings, a spectral attempt at drollery, and an irresistible inclination to look at the clock, every other

'Hehehe,'tittered Mr. Magnus, affecting cheerfulness, and gasping with agitation. 'It only wants two

'I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick; but have you ever done this sort of thing in your time?' said Mr. Magnus.

'Why,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I may have formed some ideas upon the subject, but, as I have never submitted

them to the test of experience, I should be sorry if you were induced to regulate your proceedings by them.'

'I should feel very much obliged to you, for any advice, Sir,' said Mr. Magnus, taking another look at the

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 217

'Well, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with the profound solemnity with which that great man could, when he pleased,

render his remarks so deeply impressive. 'I should commence, sir, with a tribute to the lady's beauty and

'Unworthiness for HER only, mind, sir,' resumed Mr. Pickwick; 'for to show that I was not wholly unworthy,

sir, I should take a brief review of my past life, and present condition. I should argue, by analogy, that to

anybody else, I must be a very desirable object. I should then expatiate on the warmth of my love, and the

'I should then, Sir,' continued Mr. Pickwick, growing warmer as the subject presented itself in more glowing

colours before him'I should then, Sir, come to the plain and simple question, "Will you have me?" I think I

'You think that may be taken for granted?' said Mr. Magnus; 'because, if she did not do that at the right place,

'I think she would,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Upon this, sir, I should squeeze her hand, and I thinkI think, Mr.

Magnus that after I had done that, supposing there was no refusal, I should gently draw away the

handkerchief, which my slight knowledge of human nature leads me to suppose the lady would be applying

to her eyes at the moment, and steal a respectful kiss. I think I should kiss her, Mr. Magnus; and at this

particular point, I am decidedly of opinion that if the lady were going to take me at all, she would murmur

Mr. Magnus started; gazed on Mr. Pickwick's intelligent face, for a short time in silence; and then (the dial

pointing to the ten minutes past) shook him warmly by the hand, and rushed desperately from the room.

Mr. Pickwick had taken a few strides to and fro; and the small hand of the clock following the latter part of

his example, had arrived at the figure which indicates the halfhour, when the door suddenly opened. He

turned round to meet Mr. Peter Magnus, and encountered, in his stead, the joyous face of Mr. Tupman, the

serene countenance of Mr. Winkle, and the intellectual lineaments of Mr. Snodgrass. As Mr. Pickwick

'Your servant, gentlemen,' said Mr. Magnus, evidently in a high state of excitement; 'Mr. Pickwick, allow me

As he said this, Mr. Magnus harnessed his forefinger to Mr. Pickwick's buttonhole, and, drawing him to a

'It was, Sir. Could not possibly have been better,' replied Mr. Magnus. 'Mr. Pickwick, she is mine.'

'I congratulate you, with all my heart,' replied Mr. Pickwick, warmly shaking his new friend by the hand.

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 218

'You must see her. Sir,' said Mr. Magnus; 'this way, if you please. Excuse us for one instant, gentlemen.'

Hurrying on in this way, Mr. Peter Magnus drew Mr. Pickwick from the room. He paused at the next door in

'Miss Witherfield,' said Mr. Magnus, 'allow me to introduce my very particular friend, Mr. Pickwick. Mr.

The lady was at the upper end of the room. As Mr. Pickwick bowed, he took his spectacles from his waistcoat

pocket, and put them on; a process which he had no sooner gone through, than, uttering an exclamation of

surprise, Mr. Pickwick retreated several paces, and the lady, with a halfsuppressed scream, hid her face in

her hands, and dropped into a chair; whereupon Mr. Peter Magnus was stricken motionless on the spot, and

gazed from one to the other, with a countenance expressive of the extremities of horror and surprise. This

certainly was, to all appearance, very unaccountable behaviour; but the fact is, that Mr. Pickwick no sooner

put on his spectacles, than he at once recognised in the future Mrs. Magnus the lady into whose room he had

so unwarrantably intruded on the previous night; and the spectacles had no sooner crossed Mr. Pickwick's

nose, than the lady at once identified the countenance which she had seen surrounded by all the horrors of a

'Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed Mr. Magnus, lost in astonishment, 'what is the meaning of this, Sir? What is the

'Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, somewhat indignant at the very sudden manner in which Mr. Peter Magnus had

conjugated himself into the imperative mood, 'I decline answering that question.'

'I do, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I object to say anything which may compromise that lady, or awaken

'That,' said the middleaged lady, rising from her seat, and averting her head'that I would not reveal for

'I understand you, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and respect your delicacy; it shall never be revealed by ME

'Upon my word, ma'am,' said Mr. Magnus, 'considering the situation in which I am placed with regard to

yourself, you carry this matter off with tolerable coolnesstolerable coolness, ma'am.'

'Cruel Mr. Magnus!' said the middleaged lady; here she wept very copiously indeed.

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'Address your observations to me, sir,' interposed Mr. Pickwick; 'I alone am to blame, if anybody be.'

'Oh! you alone are to blame, are you, sir?' said Mr. Magnus; 'IIsee through this, sir. You repent of your

'Your determination, Sir. Oh! don't stare at me, Sir,' said Mr. Magnus; 'I recollect your words last night, Sir.

You came down here, sir, to expose the treachery and falsehood of an individual on whose truth and honour

you had placed implicit relianceeh?' Here Mr. Peter Magnus indulged in a prolonged sneer; and taking off

his green spectacleswhich he probably found superfluous in his fit of jealousyrolled his little eyes about,

'Eh?' said Mr. Magnus; and then he repeated the sneer with increased effect. 'But you shall answer it, Sir.'

'Never mind, sir,' replied Mr. Magnus, striding up and down the room. 'Never mind.'

There must be something very comprehensive in this phrase of 'Never mind,' for we do not recollect to have

ever witnessed a quarrel in the street, at a theatre, public room, or elsewhere, in which it has not been the

standard reply to all belligerent inquiries. 'Do you call yourself a gentleman, sir?''Never mind, sir.' 'Did I

offer to say anything to the young woman, sir?''Never mind, sir.' 'Do you want your head knocked up

against that wall, sir?' 'Never mind, sir.' It is observable, too, that there would appear to be some hidden

taunt in this universal 'Never mind,' which rouses more indignation in the bosom of the individual addressed,

We do not mean to assert that the application of this brevity to himself, struck exactly that indignation to Mr.

Pickwick's soul, which it would infallibly have roused in a vulgar breast. We merely record the fact that Mr.

Mr. Tupman immediately presented himself, with a look of very considerable surprise.

'Tupman,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'a secret of some delicacy, in which that lady is concerned, is the cause of a

difference which has just arisen between this gentleman and myself. When I assure him, in your presence,

that it has no relation to himself, and is not in any way connected with his affairs, I need hardly beg you to

take notice that if he continue to dispute it, he expresses a doubt of my veracity, which I shall consider

extremely insulting.' As Mr. Pickwick said this, he looked encyclopedias at Mr. Peter Magnus.

Mr. Pickwick's upright and honourable bearing, coupled with that force and energy of speech which so

eminently distinguished him, would have carried conviction to any reasonable mind; but, unfortunately, at

that particular moment, the mind of Mr. Peter Magnus was in anything but reasonable order. Consequently,

instead of receiving Mr. Pickwick's explanation as he ought to have done, he forthwith proceeded to work

himself into a red hot, scorching, consuming passion, and to talk about what was due to his own feelings,

and all that sort of thing; adding force to his declamation by striding to and fro, and pulling his hair

amusements which he would vary occasionally, by shaking his fist in Mr. Pickwick's philanthropic

Mr. Pickwick, in his turn, conscious of his own innocence and rectitude, and irritated by having unfortunately

involved the middleaged lady in such an unpleasant affair, was not so quietly disposed as was his wont. The

consequence was, that words ran high, and voices higher; and at length Mr. Magnus told Mr. Pickwick he

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 220

should hear from him; to which Mr. Pickwick replied, with laudable politeness, that the sooner he heard from

him the better; whereupon the middleaged lady rushed in terror from the room, out of which Mr. Tupman

If the middleaged lady had mingled much with the busy world, or had profited at all by the manners and

customs of those who make the laws and set the fashions, she would have known that this sort of ferocity is

the most harmless thing in nature; but as she had lived for the most part in the country, and never read the

parliamentary debates, she was little versed in these particular refinements of civilised life. Accordingly,

when she had gained her bedchamber, bolted herself in, and began to meditate on the scene she had just

witnessed, the most terrific pictures of slaughter and destruction presented themselves to her imagination;

among which, a fulllength portrait of Mr. Peter Magnus borne home by four men, with the embellishment of

a whole barrelful of bullets in his left side, was among the very least. The more the middleaged lady

meditated, the more terrified she became; and at length she determined to repair to the house of the principal

magistrate of the town, and request him to secure the persons of Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman without

To this decision the middleaged lady was impelled by a variety of considerations, the chief of which was the

incontestable proof it would afford of her devotion to Mr. Peter Magnus, and her anxiety for his safety. She

was too well acquainted with his jealous temperament to venture the slightest allusion to the real cause of her

agitation on beholding Mr. Pickwick; and she trusted to her own influence and power of persuasion with the

little man, to quell his boisterous jealousy, supposing that Mr. Pickwick were removed, and no fresh quarrel

could arise. Filled with these reflections, the middleaged lady arrayed herself in her bonnet and shawl, and

Now George Nupkins, Esquire, the principal magistrate aforesaid, was as grand a personage as the fastest

walker would find out, between sunrise and sunset, on the twentyfirst of June, which being, according to the

almanacs, the longest day in the whole year, would naturally afford him the longest period for his search. On

this particular morning, Mr. Nupkins was in a state of the utmost excitement and irritation, for there had been

a rebellion in the town; all the dayscholars at the largest day school had conspired to break the windows of

an obnoxious appleseller, and had hooted the beadle and pelted the constabularyan elderly gentleman in

topboots, who had been called out to repress the tumult, and who had been a peace officer, man and boy,

for half a century at least. And Mr. Nupkins was sitting in his easychair, frowning with majesty, and boiling

with rage, when a lady was announced on pressing, private, and particular business. Mr. Nupkins looked

calmly terrible, and commanded that the lady should be shown in; which command, like all the mandates of

emperors, and magistrates, and other great potentates of the earth, was forthwith obeyed; and Miss

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'Very likely, ma'am,' said the magistrate. 'Compose your feelings, ma'am.' Here Mr. Nupkins looked

benignant. 'And then tell me what legal business brings you here, ma'am.' Here the magistrate triumphed over

'It is very distressing to me, Sir, to give this information,' said Miss Witherfield, 'but I fear a duel is going to

'In Ipswich.' 'In Ipswich, ma'am! A duel in Ipswich!' said the magistrate, perfectly aghast at the notion.

'Impossible, ma'am; nothing of the kind can be contemplated in this town, I am persuaded. Bless my soul,

ma'am, are you aware of the activity of our local magistracy? Do you happen to have heard, ma'am, that I

rushed into a prizering on the fourth of May last, attended by only sixty special constables; and, at the

hazard of falling a sacrifice to the angry passions of an infuriated multitude, prohibited a pugilistic contest

between the Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam? A duel in Ipswich, ma'am? I don't think I do

not think,' said the magistrate, reasoning with himself, 'that any two men can have had the hardihood to plan

'My information is, unfortunately, but too correct,' said the middleaged lady; 'I was present at the quarrel.'

Muzzle retired; and a pale, sharpnosed, halffed, shabbily clad clerk, of middle age, entered the room.

'Sir,' said Mr. Jinks. 'This lady, Mr. Jinks, has come here, to give information of an intended duel in this

'You may see something very comical in this information, Sir but I can tell you this, Mr. Jinks, that you

The hungrylooking Jinks sighed, as if he were quite aware of the fact of his having very little indeed to be

merry about; and, being ordered to take the lady's information, shambled to a seat, and proceeded to write it

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'This man, Pickwick, is the principal, I understand?' said the magistrate, when the statement was finished.

'Very well,' said the magistrate. 'These are two cutthroats from London, who have come down here to

destroy his Majesty's population, thinking that at this distance from the capital, the arm of the law is weak

and paralysed. They shall be made an example of. Draw up the warrants, Mr. Jinks. Muzzle!'

'Send him up.' The obsequious Muzzle retired, and presently returned, introducing the elderly gentleman in

the topboots, who was chiefly remarkable for a bottlenose, a hoarse voice, a snuff coloured surtout, and a

'Pretty well, your Washup,' replied Grummer. 'Pop'lar feeling has in a measure subsided, consekens o' the

'Nothing but vigorous measures will do in these times, Grummer,' said the magistrate, in a determined

manner. 'if the authority of the king's officers is set at naught, we must have the riot act read. If the civil

power cannot protect these windows, Grummer, the military must protect the civil power, and the windows

too. I believe that is a maxim of the constitution, Mr. Jinks?' 'Certainly, sir,' said Jinks.

'Very good,' said the magistrate, signing the warrants. 'Grummer, you will bring these persons before me, this

afternoon. You will find them at the Great White Horse. You recollect the case of the Middlesex Dumpling

Mr. Grummer intimated, by a retrospective shake of the head, that he should never forget itas indeed it was

'This is even more unconstitutional,' said the magistrate; 'this is even a greater breach of the peace, and a

grosser infringement of his Majesty's prerogative. I believe duelling is one of his Majesty's most undoubted

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 223

'One of the brightest jewels in the British crown, wrung from his Majesty by the barons, I believe, Mr. Jinks?'

'Very well,' said the magistrate, drawing himself up proudly, 'it shall not be violated in this portion of his

dominions. Grummer, procure assistance, and execute these warrants with as little delay as possible. Muzzle!'

Miss Witherfield retired, deeply impressed with the magistrate's learning and research; Mr. Nupkins retired to

lunch; Mr. Jinks retired within himselfthat being the only retirement he had, except the sofabedstead in

the small parlour which was occupied by his landlady's family in the daytimeand Mr. Grummer retired, to

wipe out, by his mode of discharging his present commission, the insult which had been fastened upon

himself, and the other representative of his Majestythe beadle in the course of the morning.

While these resolute and determined preparations for the conservation of the king's peace were pending, Mr.

Pickwick and his friends, wholly unconscious of the mighty events in progress, had sat quietly down to

dinner; and very talkative and companionable they all were. Mr. Pickwick was in the very act of relating his

adventure of the preceding night, to the great amusement of his followers, Mr. Tupman especially, when the

door opened, and a somewhat forbidding countenance peeped into the room. The eyes in the forbidding

countenance looked very earnestly at Mr. Pickwick, for several seconds, and were to all appearance satisfied

with their investigation; for the body to which the forbidding countenance belonged, slowly brought itself

into the apartment, and presented the form of an elderly individual in topbootsnot to keep the reader any

longer in suspense, in short, the eyes were the wandering eyes of Mr. Grummer, and the body was the body

Mr. Grummer's mode of proceeding was professional, but peculiar. His first act was to bolt the door on the

inside; his second, to polish his head and countenance very carefully with a cotton handkerchief; his third, to

place his hat, with the cotton handkerchief in it, on the nearest chair; and his fourth, to produce from the

breastpocket of his coat a short truncheon, surmounted by a brazen crown, with which he beckoned to Mr.

Mr. Snodgrass was the first to break the astonished silence. He looked steadily at Mr. Grummer for a brief

space, and then said emphatically, 'This is a private room, Sir. A private room.'

Mr. Grummer shook his head, and replied, 'No room's private to his Majesty when the street door's once

passed. That's law. Some people maintains that an Englishman's house is his castle. That's gammon.'

'Which is Mr. Tupman?' inquired Mr. Grummer. He had an intuitive perception of Mr. Pickwick; he knew

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 224

'Law,' replied Mr. Grummer'Law, civil power, and exekative; them's my titles; here's my authority. Blank

Tupman, blank Pickwickagainst the peace of our sufferin' lord the king stattit in the case made and

'What do you mean by this insolence?' said Mr. Tupman, starting up; 'leave the room!'

'Hollo,' said Mr. Grummer, retreating very expeditiously to the door, and opening it an inch or two, 'Dubbley.'

At the word of command, a dirtyfaced man, something over six feet high, and stout in proportion, squeezed

himself through the halfopen door (making his face very red in the process), and entered the room.

Mr. Dubbley did as he was desired; and half a dozen men, each with a short truncheon and a brass crown,

flocked into the room. Mr. Grummer pocketed his staff, and looked at Mr. Dubbley; Mr. Dubbley pocketed

his staff and looked at the division; the division pocketed their staves and looked at Messrs. Tupman and

'What is the meaning of this atrocious intrusion upon my privacy?' said Mr. Pickwick.

Mr. Winkle said nothing, but he fixed his eyes on Grummer, and bestowed a look upon him, which, if he had

had any feeling, must have pierced his brain. As it was, however, it had no visible effect on him whatever.

When the executive perceived that Mr. Pickwick and his friends were disposed to resist the authority of the

law, they very significantly turned up their coat sleeves, as if knocking them down in the first instance, and

taking them up afterwards, were a mere professional act which had only to be thought of to be done, as a

matter of course. This demonstration was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. He conferred a few moments with Mr.

Tupman apart, and then signified his readiness to proceed to the mayor's residence, merely begging the

parties then and there assembled, to take notice, that it was his firm intention to resent this monstrous

invasion of his privileges as an Englishman, the instant he was at liberty; whereat the parties then and there

assembled laughed very heartily, with the single exception of Mr. Grummer, who seemed to consider that any

slight cast upon the divine right of magistrates was a species of blasphemy not to be tolerated.

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But when Mr. Pickwick had signified his readiness to bow to the laws of his country, and just when the

waiters, and hostlers, and chambermaids, and postboys, who had anticipated a delightful commotion from

his threatened obstinacy, began to turn away, disappointed and disgusted, a difficulty arose which had not

been foreseen. With every sentiment of veneration for the constituted authorities, Mr. Pickwick resolutely

protested against making his appearance in the public streets, surrounded and guarded by the officers of

justice, like a common criminal. Mr. Grummer, in the then disturbed state of public feeling (for it was

halfholiday, and the boys had not yet gone home), as resolutely protested against walking on the opposite

side of the way, and taking Mr. Pickwick's parole that he would go straight to the magistrate's; and both Mr.

Pickwick and Mr. Tupman as strenuously objected to the expense of a postcoach, which was the only

respectable conveyance that could be obtained. The dispute ran high, and the dilemma lasted long; and just as

the executive were on the point of overcoming Mr. Pickwick's objection to walking to the magistrate's, by the

trite expedient of carrying him thither, it was recollected that there stood in the inn yard, an old sedanchair,

which, having been originally built for a gouty gentleman with funded property, would hold Mr. Pickwick

and Mr. Tupman, at least as conveniently as a modern post chaise. The chair was hired, and brought into the

hall; Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman squeezed themselves inside, and pulled down the blinds; a couple of

chairmen were speedily found; and the procession started in grand order. The specials surrounded the body of

the vehicle; Mr. Grummer and Mr. Dubbley marched triumphantly in front; Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle

The shopkeepers of the town, although they had a very indistinct notion of the nature of the offence, could

not but be much edified and gratified by this spectacle. Here was the strong arm of the law, coming down

with twenty goldbeater force, upon two offenders from the metropolis itself; the mighty engine was directed

by their own magistrate, and worked by their own officers; and both the criminals, by their united efforts,

were securely shut up, in the narrow compass of one sedanchair. Many were the expressions of approval

and admiration which greeted Mr. Grummer, as he headed the cavalcade, staff in hand; loud and long were

the shouts raised by the unsoaped; and amidst these united testimonials of public approbation, the procession

Mr. Weller, habited in his morning jacket, with the black calico sleeves, was returning in a rather desponding

state from an unsuccessful survey of the mysterious house with the green gate, when, raising his eyes, he

beheld a crowd pouring down the street, surrounding an object which had very much the appearance of a

sedanchair. Willing to divert his thoughts from the failure of his enterprise, he stepped aside to see the

crowd pass; and finding that they were cheering away, very much to their own satisfaction, forthwith began

Mr. Grummer passed, and Mr. Dubbley passed, and the sedan passed, and the bodyguard of specials passed,

and Sam was still responding to the enthusiastic cheers of the mob, and waving his hat about as if he were in

the very last extreme of the wildest joy (though, of course, he had not the faintest idea of the matter in hand),

when he was suddenly stopped by the unexpected appearance of Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass.

'What's the row, gen'l'm'n?'cried Sam. 'Who have they got in this here watchbox in mournin'?'

once more was a joint reply returned; and, though the words were inaudible, Sam saw by the motion of the

This was enough. In another minute Mr. Weller had made his way through the crowd, stopped the chairmen,

CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLEAGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW 226

'Stand back,' said Mr. Grummer, whose dignity, like the dignity of a great many other men, had been

'I'm wery much obliged to you, old gen'l'm'n,' replied Sam, 'for consulting my conwenience, and I'm still

more obliged to the other gen'l'm'n, who looks as if he'd just escaped from a giant's carrywan, for his wery

'andsome suggestion; but I should prefer your givin' me a answer to my question, if it's all the same to you.

How are you, Sir?' This last observation was addressed with a patronising air to Mr. Pickwick, who was

Mr. Grummer, perfectly speechless with indignation, dragged the truncheon with the brass crown from its

'Ah,' said Sam, 'it's wery pretty, 'specially the crown, which is uncommon like the real one.'

'Stand back!' said the outraged Mr. Grummer. By way of adding force to the command, he thrust the brass

emblem of royalty into Sam's neckcloth with one hand, and seized Sam's collar with the othera

compliment which Mr. Weller returned by knocking him down out of hand, having previously with the

Whether Mr. Winkle was seized with a temporary attack of that species of insanity which originates in a

sense of injury, or animated by this display of Mr. Weller's valour, is uncertain; but certain it is, that he no

sooner saw Mr. Grummer fall than he made a terrific onslaught on a small boy who stood next him;

whereupon Mr. Snodgrass, in a truly Christian spirit, and in order that he might take no one unawares,

announced in a very loud tone that he was going to begin, and proceeded to take off his coat with the utmost

deliberation. He was immediately surrounded and secured; and it is but common justice both to him and Mr.

Winkle to say, that they did not make the slightest attempt to rescue either themselves or Mr. Weller; who,

after a most vigorous resistance, was overpowered by numbers and taken prisoner. The procession then

Mr. Pickwick's indignation during the whole of this proceeding was beyond all bounds. He could just see

Sam upsetting the specials, and flying about in every direction; and that was all he could see, for the sedan

doors wouldn't open, and the blinds wouldn't pull up. At length, with the assistance of Mr. Tupman, he

managed to push open the roof; and mounting on the seat, and steadying himself as well as he could, by

placing his hand on that gentleman's shoulder, Mr. Pickwick proceeded to address the multitude; to dwell

upon the unjustifiable manner in which he had been treated; and to call upon them to take notice that his

servant had been first assaulted. In this order they reached the magistrate's house; the chairmen trotting, the

Violent was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was borne along; numerous were the allusions to the personal

appearance and demeanour of Mr. Grummer and his companion; and valorous were the defiances to any six

of the gentlemen present, in which he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle listened with

gloomy respect to the torrent of eloquence which their leader poured forth from the sedanchair, and the

rapid course of which not all Mr. Tupman's earnest entreaties to have the lid of the vehicle closed, were able

to check for an instant. But Mr. Weller's anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the procession turned

down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the runaway Job Trotter; and curiosity was exchanged

for a feeling of the most gleeful astonishment, when the allimportant Mr. Grummer, commanding the

sedanbearers to halt, advanced with dignified and portentous steps to the very green gate from which Job

Trotter had emerged, and gave a mighty pull at the bellhandle which hung at the side thereof. The ring was

answered by a very smart and prettyfaced servantgirl, who, after holding up her hands in astonishment at

the rebellious appearance of the prisoners, and the impassioned language of Mr. Pickwick, summoned Mr.

Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate, to admit the sedan, the captured ones, and the

specials; and immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob, who, indignant at being excluded, and anxious

to see what followed, relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and ringing the bell, for an hour or two

afterwards. In this amusement they all took part by turns, except three or four fortunate individuals, who,

having discovered a grating in the gate, which commanded a view of nothing, stared through it with the

indefatigable perseverance with which people will flatten their noses against the front windows of a chemist's

shop, when a drunken man, who has been run over by a dog cart in the street, is undergoing a surgical

At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, which was guarded on either side by an American

aloe in a green tub, the sedanchair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the hall,

whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle, and ordered in by Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered

The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike terror to the hearts of culprits, and to impress them

with an adequate idea of the stern majesty of the law. In front of a big bookcase, in a big chair, behind a big

table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a full size larger than any one of them, big as they

were. The table was adorned with piles of papers; and above the farther end of it, appeared the head and

shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking as busy as possible. The party having all entered,

Muzzle carefully closed the door, and placed himself behind his master's chair to await his orders. Mr.

Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity, and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors.

'Now, Grummer, who is that person?' said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to Mr. Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of

'Come, none o' that 'ere, old Strikealight,' interposed Mr. Weller, elbowing himself into the front rank. 'Beg

your pardon, sir, but this here officer o' yourn in the gambooge tops, 'ull never earn a decent livin' as a master

o' the ceremonies any vere. This here, sir' continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the

magistrate with pleasant familiarity, 'this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this here's Mr. Tupman; that 'ere's Mr.

Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the t'other side, Mr. Winkleall wery nice gen'l'm'n, Sir, as you'll be

wery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these here officers o' yourn to the

treadmill for a month or two, the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first,

pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed the t'other king in the Tower, afore he

At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his right elbow, and nodded benignly to

'Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your Washup,' replied Grummer. 'He attempted to rescue the prisoners, and

'You did quite right,' replied the magistrate. 'He is evidently a desperate ruffian.'

'Oh! he is your servant, is he?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'A conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice, and murder its

This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, and Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five

Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistrate threatened to commit him instantly. It is

'Put down that, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, who was fast rising into a rage.

'He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. 'He is a vagabond on his own statement, is he not, Mr.

'This is a wery impartial country for justice, 'said Sam.'There ain't a magistrate goin' as don't commit himself

At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look so supernaturally solemn, that the magistrate

'Grummer,' said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, 'how dare you select such an inefficient and

disreputable person for a special constable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir?'

'Very sorry!' said the furious magistrate. 'You shall repent of this neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be

made an example of. Take that fellow's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, fellow.'

'You ARE drunk,' returned the magistrate. 'How dare you say you are not drunk, Sir, when I say you are?

'Horrid, your Washup,' replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that there was a smell of rum

'I knew he did,' said Mr. Nupkins. 'I saw he was drunk when he first came into the room, by his excited eye.

'I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning,' said the man, who was as sober a fellow as need be.

'How dare you tell me a falsehood?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'Isn't he drunk at this moment, Mr. Jinks?'

'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'I shall commit that man for contempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.'

And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was the magistrate's adviser (having had a legal

education of three years in a country attorney's office), whispered the magistrate that he thought it wouldn't

do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that in consideration of the special's family, he would merely

reprimand and discharge him. Accordingly, the special was abused, vehemently, for a quarter of an hour, and

sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley, Muzzle, and all the other specials, murmured their

Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkins's dinner was nearly ready, Mr.

Nupkins cut the matter short, by putting leading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly

in the affirmative as he could. So the examination went off, all very smooth and comfortable, and two

assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and a threat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass.

When all this was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr. Jinks consulted in whispers.

The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired to his end of the table; and the magistrate,

with a preparatory cough, drew himself up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence his address, when

'I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but before you proceed to express, and act

upon, any opinion you may have formed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim my right

'Hold your tongue, sir,' interposed the magistrate, 'or I shall order an officer to remove you.'

'You may order your officers to do whatever you please, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'and I have no doubt, from

the specimen I have had of the subordination preserved amongst them, that whatever you order, they will

execute, Sir; but I shall take the liberty, Sir, of claiming my right to be heard, until I am removed by force.'

Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment, at his displaying such unwonted

temerity; and was apparently about to return a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him by the sleeve, and

whispered something in his ear. To this, the magistrate returned a halfaudible answer, and then the

whispering was renewed. Jinks was evidently remonstrating. At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a

very bad grace, his disinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, and said sharply, 'What do

'First,' said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, under which even Nupkins quailed, 'first, I

'I think you had better, sir,' whispered Jinks to the magistrate. 'An information has been sworn before me,'

said the magistrate, 'that it is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the other man, Tupman, is

'Yes. Therefore, I call upon you bothas I was about to say when I was interrupted by my clerkto find

'I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,' said the magistrate aloud, with great dignity, 'and they must

'But bless my heart, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with Mr. Tupman, was all amazement and

indignation; 'we are perfect strangers in this town. I have as little knowledge of any householders here, as I

Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no doubt have said, very little to his own

advantage, or the magistrate's satisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, been pulled by the

sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was immediately engaged in so earnest a conversation, that he suffered

the magistrate's inquiry to pass wholly unnoticed. Mr. Nupkins was not the man to ask a question of the kind

twice over; and so, with another preparatory cough, he proceeded, amidst the reverential and admiring silence

of the constables, to pronounce his decision. He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault, and three

pounds for the second. He should fine Winkle two pounds, and Snodgrass one pound, besides requiring them

to enter into their own recognisances to keep the peace towards all his Majesty's subjects, and especially

towards his liege servant, Daniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he had already held to bail.

Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, with a smile mantling on his again

'I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request a few minutes' private conversation with him, on a matter of

'This is a most extraordinary request,' said the magistrate. 'A private interview?'

'A private interview,' replied Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'only, as a part of the information which I wish to

The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at the magistrate; the officers looked at each other in

amazement. Mr. Nupkins turned suddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in a moment of remorse, have

divulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination? It was a dreadful thought. He was a public man; and

Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think of it, and was afraid he might offend, smiled feebly, after a

dubious fashion, and, screwing up the corners of his mouth, shook his head slowly from side to side.

At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks smiled again rather more feebly than beforeand edged

Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds, and then, rising from his chair, and

requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam to follow him, led the way into a small room which opened into the

justiceparlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the little apartment, and holding his hand

upon the halfclosed door, that he might be able to effect an immediate escape, in case there was the least

tendency to a display of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed his readiness to hear the communication, whatever

'I will come to the point at once, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'it affects yourself and your credit materially. I have

every reason to believe, Sir, that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor!'

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if I am to render myself intelligible to this gentleman, I must beg you to control

'Wery sorry, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but when I think o' that 'ere Job, I can't help opening the walve a inch or

'In one word, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is my servant right in suspecting that a certain Captain FitzMarshall is

in the habit of visiting here? Because,' added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr. Nupkins was about to offer a

'An unprincipled adventurera dishonourable charactera man who preys upon society, and makes

easilydeceived people his dupes, Sir; his absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, Sir,' said the excited Mr.

'Dear me,' said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering his whole manner directly. 'Dear me, Mr.'

'Pickwick,' said the magistrate, 'dear me, Mr. Pickwickpray take a seatyou cannot mean this? Captain

'Don't call him a cap'en,' said Sam, 'nor FitzMarshall neither; he ain't neither one nor t'other. He's a strolling

actor, he is, and his name's Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, that 'ere Job Trotter's him.'

'It is very true, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, replying to the magistrate's look of amazement; 'my only business in

Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horrorstricken ear of Mr. Nupkins, an abridged account of all Mr.

Jingle's atrocities. He related how he had first met him; how he had eloped with Miss Wardle; how he had

cheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniary consideration; how he had entrapped himself into a lady's

boardingschool at midnight; and how he (Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of his

As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body of Mr. Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his

ears. He had picked up the captain at a neighbouring racecourse. Charmed with his long list of aristocratic

acquaintance, his extensive travel, and his fashionable demeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had

exhibited Captain FitzMarshall, and quoted Captain FitzMarshall, and hurled Captain FitzMarshall at the

devoted heads of their select circle of acquaintance, until their bosom friends, Mrs. Porkenham and the

Misses Porkenhams, and Mr. Sidney Porkenham, were ready to burst with jealousy and despair. And now, to

hear, after all, that he was a needy adventurer, a strolling player, and if not a swindler, something so very like

it, that it was hard to tell the difference! Heavens! what would the Porkenhams say! What would be the

triumph of Mr. Sidney Porkenham when he found that his addresses had been slighted for such a rival! How

should he, Nupkins, meet the eye of old Porkenham at the next quartersessions! And what a handle would it

'But after all,' said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment, after a long pause; 'after all, this is a mere

statement. Captain FitzMarshall is a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare say, has many enemies.

'Confront me with him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that is all I ask, and all I require. Confront him with me and my

'Why,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'that might be very easily done, for he will be here tonight, and then there would

be no occasion to make the matter public, justjustfor the young man's own sake, you know.

IIshould like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on the propriety of the step, in the first instance, though. At all

events, Mr. Pickwick, we must despatch this legal business before we can do anything else. Pray step back

'Come, come, Sir,' said the magistrate sternly, 'don't let me see any of this levity here. It is very unbecoming,

and I can assure you that you have very little to smile at. Was the account you gave me just now strictly true?

'Oh, you are confused, are you?' said the magistrate. 'Mr. Jinks, you observe this confusion?'

'Now,' said the magistrate, 'repeat your statement, Grummer, and again I warn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks,

The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to restate his complaint, but, what between Mr. Jinks's taking down

his words, and the magistrate's taking them up, his natural tendency to rambling, and his extreme confusion,

he managed to get involved, in something under three minutes, in such a mass of entanglement and

contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins at once declared he didn't believe him. So the fines were remitted, and Mr.

Jinks found a couple of bail in no time. And all these solemn proceedings having been satisfactorily

concluded, Mr. Grummer was ignominiously ordered outan awful instance of the instability of human

Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a light brown wig. Miss Nupkins possessed

all her mamma's haughtiness without the turban, and all her illnature without the wig; and whenever the

exercise of these two amiable qualities involved mother and daughter in some unpleasant dilemma, as they

not infrequently did, they both concurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of Mr. Nupkins. Accordingly,

when Mr. Nupkins sought Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed the communication which had been made by Mr.

Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkins suddenly recollected that she had always expected something of the kind; that she

had always said it would be so; that her advice was never taken; that she really did not know what Mr.

'The idea!' said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of very scanty proportions into the corner of each eye; 'the idea

'Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear,' said Mrs. Nupkins; 'how I have implored and begged that man to

inquire into the captain's family connections; how I have urged and entreated him to take some decisive step!

'My love,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'you professed yourself very fond of Captain FitzMarshall. You have

constantly asked him here, my dear, and you have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere.'

'Didn't I say so, Henrietta?' cried Mrs. Nupkins, appealing to her daughter with the air of a muchinjured

female. 'Didn't I say that your papa would turn round and lay all this at my door? Didn't I say so?' Here Mrs.

'Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this disgrace and ridicule upon us, to taunt me with being the cause

'Or the Griggs!' cried Miss Nupkins. 'Or the Slummintowkens!' cried Mrs. Nupkins. 'But what does your papa

care! What is it to HIM!' At this dreadful reflection, Mrs. Nupkins wept mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins

Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with great velocity, until she had gained a little time to think the

matter over; when she decided, in her own mind, that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr. Pickwick and

his friends to remain until the captain's arrival, and then to give Mr. Pickwick the opportunity he sought. If it

appeared that he had spoken truly, the captain could be turned out of the house without noising the matter

abroad, and they could easily account to the Porkenhams for his disappearance, by saying that he had been

appointed, through the Court influence of his family, to the governor generalship of Sierra Leone, of Saugur

Point, or any other of those salubrious climates which enchant Europeans so much, that when they once get

When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupkins dried up hers, and Mr. Nupkins was very glad to settle

the matter as Mrs. Nupkins had proposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off all marks of

their late encounter, were introduced to the ladies, and soon afterwards to their dinner; and Mr. Weller, whom

the magistrate, with his peculiar sagacity, had discovered in half an hour to be one of the finest fellows alive,

was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr. Muzzle, who was specially enjoined to take him below,

'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller down the kitchen stairs.

'Why, no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system, since I see you cocked up behind

'You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'You see, master hadn't introduced

'Wonderful,' replied Sam; 'they comes apouring out, knocking each other's heads so fast, that they seems to

stun one another; you hardly know what he's arter, do you?' 'That's the great merit of his style of speaking,'

rejoined Mr. Muzzle. 'Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash your hands, sir, before

we join the ladies'! Here's a sink, with the water laid on, Sir, and a clean jack towel behind the door.'

'Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse,' replied Mr. Weller, applying plenty of yellow soap to the towel, and

'Only two in our kitchen,' said Mr. Muzzle; 'cook and 'ouse maid. We keep a boy to do the dirty work, and a

'Yes,' replied Mr. Muzzle, 'we tried 'em at our table when they first come, but we couldn't keep 'em. The gal's

manners is dreadful vulgar; and the boy breathes so very hard while he's eating, that we found it impossible to

'Oh, dreadful,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle; 'but that is the worst of country service, Mr. Weller; the juniors is always

Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle conducted him into the kitchen.

'Mary,' said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servantgirl, 'this is Mr. Weller; a gentleman as master has sent down,

'And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just sent me to the right place,' said Mr. Weller, with a glance of

admiration at Mary. 'If I wos master o' this here house, I should alvays find the materials for comfort vere

'Bless me, cook, I forgot you,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'Mr. Weller, let me introduce you.'

'How are you, ma'am?' said Mr. Weller.'Wery glad to see you, indeed, and hope our acquaintance may be a

When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, the cook and Mary retired into the back kitchen

to titter, for ten minutes; then returning, all giggles and blushes, they sat down to dinner. Mr. Weller's easy

manners and conversational powers had such irresistible influence with his new friends, that before the dinner

was half over, they were on a footing of perfect intimacy, and in possession of a full account of the

''Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be formiliar with elegance and wirtew,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ought

Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made her; and the cook laughed, and said she hadn't.

'Drink with me, my dear,' said Mr. Weller. 'Put your lips to this here tumbler, and then I can kiss you by

'Don't ask me, imperence,' replied the cook, in a high state of delight; and hereupon the cook and Mary

laughed again, till what between the beer, and the cold meat, and the laughter combined, the latter young lady

was brought to the verge of chokingan alarming crisis from which she was only recovered by sundry pats

on the back, and other necessary attentions, most delicately administered by Mr. Samuel Weller. In the midst

of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring was heard at the garden gate, to which the young gentleman

who took his meals in the washhouse, immediately responded. Mr. Weller was in the height of his attentions

to the pretty house maid; Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the honours of the table; and the cook had just paused

to laugh, in the very act of raising a huge morsel to her lips; when the kitchen door opened, and in walked Mr.

We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the statement is not distinguished by our usual scrupulous

adherence to fact. The door opened and Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have walked in, and was in the very

act of doing so, indeed, when catching sight of Mr. Weller, he involuntarily shrank back a pace or two, and

stood gazing on the unexpected scene before him, perfectly motionless with amazement and terror.

'Here he is!' said Sam, rising with great glee. 'Why we were that wery moment aspeaking o' you. How are

Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, Mr. Weller dragged him into the kitchen; and,

locking the door, handed the key to Mr. Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up in a side pocket.

'Well, here's a game!' cried Sam. 'Only think o' my master havin' the pleasure o' meeting yourn upstairs, and

me havin' the joy o' meetin' you down here. How are you gettin' on, and how is the chandlery bis'ness likely

to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. How happy you look. It's quite a treat to see you; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle?'

'In such good spirits!' said Muzzle. 'And so glad to see usthat makes it so much more comfortable,' said

Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside. He cast his small eyes, first on Mr.

'Well, now,' said Sam, 'afore these here ladies, I should jest like to ask you, as a sort of curiosity, whether you

don't consider yourself as nice and wellbehaved a young gen'l'm'n, as ever used a pink check

'And as was ever agoing to be married to a cook,' said that lady indignantly. 'The willin!'

'And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the chandlery line arterwards,' said the housemaid.

'Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man,' said Mr. Muzzle solemnly, enraged at the last two allusions, 'this

here lady (pointing to the cook) keeps company with me; and when you presume, Sir, to talk of keeping

chandlers' shops with her, you injure me in one of the most delicatest points in which one man can injure

Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence, in which he imitated his master, paused for a

'It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted upstairs for several minutes, Sir, because MY master is at

this moment particularly engaged in settling the hash of YOUR master, Sir; and therefore you'll have leisure,

'Well, then,' said Mr. Muzzle, 'I'm very sorry to have to explain myself before ladies, but the urgency of the

case will be my excuse. The back kitchen's empty, Sir. If you will step in there, Sir, Mr. Weller will see fair,

As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two towards the door; and, by way of saving time,

Now, the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperate challenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about

to put it into execution, than she uttered a loud and piercing shriek; and rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, who rose

from his chair on the instant, tore and buffeted his large flat face, with an energy peculiar to excited females,

and twining her hands in his long black hair, tore therefrom about enough to make five or six dozen of the

very largestsized mourningrings. Having accomplished this feat with all the ardour which her devoted love

for Mr. Muzzle inspired, she staggered back; and being a lady of very excitable and delicate feelings, she

'That's for you, Job Trotter,' said Sam; and before Mr. Trotter could offer remonstrance or replyeven before

he had time to stanch the wounds inflicted by the insensible ladySam seized one arm and Mr. Muzzle the

other, and one pulling before, and the other pushing behind, they conveyed him upstairs, and into the parlour.

It was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle, Esquire, alias Captain FitzMarshall, was standing near the door

with his hat in his hand, and a smile on his face, wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation.

Confronting him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who had evidently been inculcating some high moral lesson; for his

left hand was beneath his coat tail, and his right extended in air, as was his wont when delivering himself of

an impressive address. At a little distance, stood Mr. Tupman with indignant countenance, carefully held back

by his two younger friends; at the farther end of the room were Mr. Nupkins, Mrs. Nupkins, and Miss

Nupkins, gloomily grand and savagely vexed. 'What prevents me,' said Mr. Nupkins, with magisterial

dignity, as Job was brought in'what prevents me from detaining these men as rogues and impostors? It is a

'Pride, old fellow, pride,' replied Jingle, quite at his ease. 'Wouldn't dono gocaught a captain, eh?ha!

ha! very goodhusband for daughterbiter bitmake it publicnot for worldslook stupidvery!'

'Oh, of course,' said Jingle. 'Tall young manold lover Sidney Porkenhamrichfine fellownot so

rich as captain, though, eh?turn him awayoff with himanything for captainnothing like captain

Here Mr. Jingle laughed very heartily; and Job, rubbing his hands with delight, uttered the first sound he had

given vent to since he entered the housea low, noiseless chuckle, which seemed to intimate that he enjoyed

his laugh too much, to let any of it escape in sound. 'Mr. Nupkins,' said the elder lady,'this is not a fit

'I might,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'have taken a much greater revenge for the treatment I have experienced at your

'I say,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually angry, 'that I might have taken a greater revenge, but I content

myself with exposing you, which I consider a duty I owe to society. This is a leniency, Sir, which I hope you

When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job Trotter, with facetious gravity, applied his hand to his ear, as if

'And I have only to add, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, now thoroughly angry, 'that I consider you a rascal, and

aaruffianand and worse than any man I ever saw, or heard of, except that pious and sanctified

'Ha! ha!' said Jingle, 'good fellow, Pickwickfine heart stout old boybut must NOT be

passionatebad thing, very bye, byesee you again some daykeep up your spiritsnow, Jobtrot!'

With these words, Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in his old fashion, and strode out of the room. Job Trotter

paused, looked round, smiled and then with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. Pickwick, and a wink to Mr.

Weller, the audacious slyness of which baffles all description, followed the footsteps of his hopeful master.

'Mayn't I polish that 'ere Job off, in the front garden?' said Mr. Weller. 'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick.

For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weller looked, for a moment, discontented and unhappy. But his

countenance immediately cleared up; for the wily Mr. Muzzle, by concealing himself behind the street door,

and rushing violently out, at the right instant, contrived with great dexterity to overturn both Mr. Jingle and

his attendant, down the flight of steps, into the American aloe tubs that stood beneath.

'Having discharged my duty, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Nupkins, 'I will, with my friends, bid you

farewell. While we thank you for such hospitality as we have received, permit me to assure you, in our joint

names, that we should not have accepted it, or have consented to extricate ourselves in this way, from our

previous dilemma, had we not been impelled by a strong sense of duty. We return to London tomorrow.

Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the morning, Mr. Pickwick bowed low to the ladies,

and notwithstanding the solicitations of the family, left the room with his friends.

Now, there was nobody in the kitchen, but the pretty housemaid; and as Sam's hat was mislaid, he had to look

for it, and the pretty housemaid lighted him. They had to look all over the place for the hat. The pretty

housemaid, in her anxiety to find it, went down on her knees, and turned over all the things that were heaped

together in a little corner by the door. It was an awkward corner. You couldn't get at it without shutting the

The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor; and, as it gave a very dim light, Sam was obliged to

go down on HIS knees before he could see whether it really was his own hat or not. it was a remarkably small

corner, and soit was nobody's fault but the man's who built the houseSam and the pretty housemaid

'Goodbye!' said Sam; and as he said it, he dropped the hat that had cost so much trouble in looking for.

'How awkward you are,' said the pretty housemaid. 'You'll lose it again, if you don't take care.'

Whether it was that the pretty housemaid's face looked prettier still, when it was raised towards Sam's, or

whether it was the accidental consequence of their being so near to each other, is matter of uncertainty to this

'You don't mean to say you did that on purpose,' said the pretty housemaid, blushing.

'There was something behind the door, Sir, which perwented our getting it open, for ever so long, Sir,' replied

Having accomplished the main end and object of his journey, by the exposure of Jingle, Mr. Pickwick

resolved on immediately returning to London, with the view of becoming acquainted with the proceedings

which had been taken against him, in the meantime, by Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. Acting upon this

resolution with all the energy and decision of his character, he mounted to the back seat of the first coach

which left Ipswich on the morning after the memorable occurrences detailed at length in the two preceding

chapters; and accompanied by his three friends, and Mr. Samuel Weller, arrived in the metropolis, in perfect

Here the friends, for a short time, separated. Messrs. Tupman, Winkle, and Snodgrass repaired to their several

homes to make such preparations as might be requisite for their forthcoming visit to Dingley Dell; and Mr.

Pickwick and Sam took up their present abode in very good, oldfashioned, and comfortable quarters, to wit,

Mr. Pickwick had dined, finished his second pint of particular port, pulled his silk handkerchief over his head,

put his feet on the fender, and thrown himself back in an easychair, when the entrance of Mr. Weller with

'I have just been thinking, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that having left a good many things at Mrs. Bardell's, in

Goswell Street, I ought to arrange for taking them away, before I leave town again.'

'I could send them to Mr. Tupman's, for the present, Sam,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'but before we take them

away, it is necessary that they should be looked up, and put together. I wish you would step up to Goswell

'At once,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'And stay, Sam,' added Mr. Pickwick, pulling out his purse, 'there is some

rent to pay. The quarter is not due till Christmas, but you may pay it, and have done with it. A month's notice

terminates my tenancy. Here it is, written out. Give it, and tell Mrs. Bardell she may put a bill up, as soon as

Mr. Weller stepped slowly to the door, as if he expected something more; slowly opened it, slowly stepped

out, and had slowly closed it within a couple of inches, when Mr. Pickwick called out

'Yes, sir,' said Mr. Weller, stepping quickly back, and closing the door behind him. 'I have no objection, Sam,

to your endeavouring to ascertain how Mrs. Bardell herself seems disposed towards me, and whether it is

really probable that this vile and groundless action is to be carried to extremity. I say I do not object to you

CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 242

Sam gave a short nod of intelligence, and left the room. Mr. Pickwick drew the silk handkerchief once more

over his head, And composed himself for a nap. Mr. Weller promptly walked forth, to execute his

It was nearly nine o'clock when he reached Goswell Street. A couple of candles were burning in the little

front parlour, and a couple of caps were reflected on the windowblind. Mrs. Bardell had got company.

Mr. Weller knocked at the door, and after a pretty long intervaloccupied by the party without, in whistling

a tune, and by the party within, in persuading a refractory flat candle to allow itself to be lighteda pair of

'Well, that's a mercy,' said Sam; 'tell her I want to speak to her, will you, my hinfant fernomenon?'

Master Bardell, thus adjured, placed the refractory flat candle on the bottom stair, and vanished into the front

The two caps, reflected on the windowblind, were the respective headdresses of a couple of Mrs. Bardell's

most particular acquaintance, who had just stepped in, to have a quiet cup of tea, and a little warm supper of a

couple of sets of pettitoes and some toasted cheese. The cheese was simmering and browning away, most

delightfully, in a little Dutch oven before the fire; the pettitoes were getting on deliciously in a little tin

saucepan on the hob; and Mrs. Bardell and her two friends were getting on very well, also, in a little quiet

conversation about and concerning all their particular friends and acquaintance; when Master Bardell came

back from answering the door, and delivered the message intrusted to him by Mr. Samuel Weller.

'Well, I raly would not ha' believed it, unless I had ha' happened to ha' been here!' said Mrs. Sanders.

Mrs. Cluppins was a little, brisk, busylooking woman; Mrs. Sanders was a big, fat, heavyfaced personage;

Mrs. Bardell felt it proper to be agitated; and as none of the three exactly knew whether under existing

circumstances, any communication, otherwise than through Dodson Fogg, ought to be held with Mr.

Pickwick's servant, they were all rather taken by surprise. In this state of indecision, obviously the first thing

to be done, was to thump the boy for finding Mr. Weller at the door. So his mother thumped him, and he

'She's quite enough to worrit her, as it is, without you, Tommy,' said Mrs. Cluppins, with sympathising

CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 243

'Ah! worse luck, poor lamb!' said Mrs. Sanders. At all which moral reflections, Master Bardell howled the

'I think you ought to see him,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. 'But on no account without a witness.'

'I think two witnesses would be more lawful,' said Mrs. Sanders, who, like the other friend, was bursting with

'To be sure,' replied Mrs. Cluppins, eagerly catching at the idea; 'walk in, young man; and shut the street door

Mr. Weller immediately took the hint; and presenting himself in the parlour, explained his business to Mrs.

'Wery sorry to 'casion any personal inconwenience, ma'am, as the housebreaker said to the old lady when he

put her on the fire; but as me and my governor 's only jest come to town, and is jest going away agin, it can't

'Of course, the young man can't help the faults of his master,' said Mrs. Cluppins, much struck by Mr.

'Certainly not,' chimed in Mrs. Sanders, who, from certain wistful glances at the little tin saucepan, seemed to

be engaged in a mental calculation of the probable extent of the pettitoes, in the event of Sam's being asked to

'So all I've come about, is jest this here,' said Sam, disregarding the interruption; 'first, to give my governor's

noticethere it is. Secondly, to pay the renthere it is. Thirdly, to say as all his things is to be put together,

and give to anybody as we sends for 'em. Fourthly, that you may let the place as soon as you like and that's

'Whatever has happened,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'I always have said, and always will say, that in every respect but

one, Mr. Pickwick has always behaved himself like a perfect gentleman. His money always as good as the

As Mrs. Bardell said this, she applied her handkerchief to her eyes, and went out of the room to get the

Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet, and the women were sure to talk; so he looked alternately at

the tin saucepan, the toasted cheese, the wall, and the ceiling, in profound silence.

'Ah, poor thing!' replied Mrs. Sanders. Sam said nothing. He saw they were coming to the subject.

'I raly cannot contain myself,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'when I think of such perjury. I don't wish to say anything

to make you uncomfortable, young man, but your master's an old brute, and I wish I had him here to tell him

CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 244

'To see how dreadful she takes on, going moping about, and taking no pleasure in nothing, except when her

friends comes in, out of charity, to sit with her, and make her comfortable,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins, glancing

'And your master, young man! A gentleman with money, as could never feel the expense of a wife, no more

than nothing,' continued Mrs. Cluppins, with great volubility; 'why there ain't the faintest shade of an excuse

'Question, indeed,' retorted Mrs. Cluppins, 'she'd question him, if she'd my spirit. Hows'ever, there is law for

us women, mis'rable creeturs as they'd make us, if they could; and that your master will find out, young man,

At this consolatory reflection, Mrs. Cluppins bridled up, and smiled at Mrs. Sanders, who smiled back again.

'The action's going on, and no mistake,' thought Sam, as Mrs. Bardell reentered with the receipt.

'Here's the receipt, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'and here's the change, and I hope you'll take a little drop of

something to keep the cold out, if it's only for old acquaintance' sake, Mr. Weller.'

Sam saw the advantage he should gain, and at once acquiesced; whereupon Mrs. Bardell produced, from a

small closet, a black bottle and a wineglass; and so great was her abstraction, in her deep mental affliction,

that, after filling Mr. Weller's glass, she brought out three more wineglasses, and filled them too.

Sam understood all this, of course, so he said at once, that he never could drink before supper, unless a lady

drank with him. A great deal of laughter ensued, and Mrs. Sanders volunteered to humour him, so she took a

slight sip out of her glass. Then Sam said it must go all round, so they all took a slight sip. Then little Mrs.

Cluppins proposed as a toast, 'Success to Bardell agin Pickwick'; and then the ladies emptied their glasses in

'It's a terrible thing to be dragged before the public, in that way, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'but I see now,

that it's the only thing I ought to do, and my lawyers, Mr. Dodson and Fogg, tell me that, with the evidence as

we shall call, we must succeed. I don't know what I should do, Mr. Weller, if I didn't.'

The mere idea of Mrs. Bardell's failing in her action, affected Mrs. Sanders so deeply, that she was under the

necessity of refilling and reemptying her glass immediately; feeling, as she said afterwards, that if she hadn't

CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 245

'And won't Mr. Dodson and Fogg be wild if the plaintiff shouldn't get it?' added Mrs. Cluppins, 'when they do

'Vell,' said Sam, rising and setting down his glass, 'all I can say is, that I vish you MAY get it.'

'And of them Dodson and Foggs, as does these sort o' things on spec,' continued Mr. Weller, 'as vell as for the

other kind and gen'rous people o' the same purfession, as sets people by the ears, free gratis for nothin', and

sets their clerks to work to find out little disputes among their neighbours and acquaintances as vants settlin'

by means of lawsuitsall I can say o' them is, that I vish they had the reward I'd give 'em.'

'Ah, I wish they had the reward that every kind and generous heart would be inclined to bestow upon them!'

'Amen to that,' replied Sam, 'and a fat and happy liven' they'd get out of it! Wish you goodnight, ladies.'

To the great relief of Mrs. Sanders, Sam was allowed to depart without any reference, on the part of the

hostess, to the pettitoes and toasted cheese; to which the ladies, with such juvenile assistance as Master

Bardell could afford, soon afterwards rendered the amplest justiceindeed they wholly vanished before their

Mr. Weller wended his way back to the George and Vulture, and faithfully recounted to his master, such

indications of the sharp practice of Dodson Fogg, as he had contrived to pick up in his visit to Mrs. Bardell's.

An interview with Mr. Perker, next day, more than confirmed Mr. Weller's statement; and Mr. Pickwick was

fain to prepare for his Christmas visit to Dingley Dell, with the pleasant anticipation that some two or three

months afterwards, an action brought against him for damages sustained by reason of a breach of promise of

marriage, would be publicly tried in the Court of Common Pleas; the plaintiff having all the advantages

derivable, not only from the force of circumstances, but from the sharp practice of Dodson Fogg to boot.

There still remaining an interval of two days before the time agreed upon for the departure of the

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 246

Pickwickians to Dingley Dell, Mr. Weller sat himself down in a back room at the George and Vulture, after

eating an early dinner, to muse on the best way of disposing of his time. It was a remarkably fine day; and he

had not turned the matter over in his mind ten minutes, when he was suddenly stricken filial and affectionate;

and it occurred to him so strongly that he ought to go down and see his father, and pay his duty to his

motherinlaw, that he was lost in astonishment at his own remissness in never thinking of this moral

obligation before. Anxious to atone for his past neglect without another hour's delay, he straightway walked

upstairs to Mr. Pickwick, and requested leave of absence for this laudable purpose.

'Certainly, Sam, certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick, his eyes glistening with delight at this manifestation of filial

'I am very glad to see that you have so high a sense of your duties as a son, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick.

'Wery, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'if ever I wanted anythin' o' my father, I always asked for it in a wery 'spectful

and obligin' manner. If he didn't give it me, I took it, for fear I should be led to do anythin' wrong, through not

'That's not precisely what I meant, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking his head, with a slight smile.

'All good feelin', sirthe wery best intentions, as the gen'l'm'n said ven he run away from his wife 'cos she

'Thank'ee, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; and having made his best bow, and put on his best clothes, Sam planted

The Marquis of Granby, in Mrs. Weller's time, was quite a model of a roadside publichouse of the better

classjust large enough to be convenient, and small enough to be snug. On the opposite side of the road was

a large signboard on a high post, representing the head and shoulders of a gentleman with an apoplectic

countenance, in a red coat with deep blue facings, and a touch of the same blue over his threecornered hat,

for a sky. Over that again were a pair of flags; beneath the last button of his coat were a couple of cannon;

and the whole formed an expressive and undoubted likeness of the Marquis of Granby of glorious memory.

The bar window displayed a choice collection of geranium plants, and a welldusted row of spirit phials. The

open shutters bore a variety of golden inscriptions, eulogistic of good beds and neat wines; and the choice

group of countrymen and hostlers lounging about the stable door and horsetrough, afforded presumptive

proof of the excellent quality of the ale and spirits which were sold within. Sam Weller paused, when he

dismounted from the coach, to note all these little indications of a thriving business, with the eye of an

experienced traveller; and having done so, stepped in at once, highly satisfied with everything he had

'Now, then!' said a shrill female voice the instant Sam thrust his head in at the door, 'what do you want, young

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 247

Sam looked round in the direction whence the voice proceeded. It came from a rather stout lady of

comfortable appearance, who was seated beside the fireplace in the bar, blowing the fire to make the kettle

boil for tea. She was not alone; for on the other side of the fireplace, sitting bolt upright in a highbacked

chair, was a man in threadbare black clothes, with a back almost as long and stiff as that of the chair itself,

He was a primfaced, rednosed man, with a long, thin countenance, and a semirattlesnake sort of

eyerather sharp, but decidedly bad. He wore very short trousers, and black cotton stockings, which, like

the rest of his apparel, were particularly rusty. His looks were starched, but his white neckerchief was not,

and its long limp ends straggled over his closelybuttoned waistcoat in a very uncouth and unpicturesque

fashion. A pair of old, worn, beaver gloves, a broadbrimmed hat, and a faded green umbrella, with plenty of

whalebone sticking through the bottom, as if to counterbalance the want of a handle at the top, lay on a chair

beside him; and, being disposed in a very tidy and careful manner, seemed to imply that the rednosed man,

To do the rednosed man justice, he would have been very far from wise if he had entertained any such

intention; for, to judge from all appearances, he must have been possessed of a most desirable circle of

acquaintance, if he could have reasonably expected to be more comfortable anywhere else. The fire was

blazing brightly under the influence of the bellows, and the kettle was singing gaily under the influence of

both. A small tray of teathings was arranged on the table; a plate of hot buttered toast was gently simmering

before the fire; and the rednosed man himself was busily engaged in converting a large slice of bread into

the same agreeable edible, through the instrumentality of a long brass toastingfork. Beside him stood a glass

of reeking hot pineapple rumandwater, with a slice of lemon in it; and every time the rednosed man

stopped to bring the round of toast to his eye, with the view of ascertaining how it got on, he imbibed a drop

or two of the hot pineapple rumandwater, and smiled upon the rather stout lady, as she blew the fire.

Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this comfortable scene, that he suffered the first inquiry of the rather

stout lady to pass unheeded. It was not until it had been twice repeated, each time in a shriller tone, that he

'No, he isn't,' replied Mrs. Weller; for the rather stout lady was no other than the quondam relict and sole

executrix of the deadandgone Mr. Clarke; 'no, he isn't, and I don't expect him, either.'

'He may be, or he may not,' replied Mrs. Weller, buttering the round of toast which the rednosed man had

just finished. 'I don't know, and, what's more, I don't care.Ask a blessin', Mr. Stiggins.'

The rednosed man did as he was desired, and instantly commenced on the toast with fierce voracity.

The appearance of the rednosed man had induced Sam, at first sight, to more than half suspect that he was

the deputy shepherd of whom his estimable parent had spoken. The moment he saw him eat, all doubt on

the subject was removed, and he perceived at once that if he purposed to take up his temporary quarters

where he was, he must make his footing good without delay. He therefore commenced proceedings by

putting his arm over the halfdoor of the bar, coolly unbolting it, and leisurely walking in.

'Why, I do believe he is a Weller!' said Mrs. W., raising her eyes to Sam's face, with no very gratified

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 248

'I rayther think he is,' said the imperturbable Sam; 'and I hope this here reverend gen'l'm'n 'll excuse me

This was a doublebarrelled compliment. It implied that Mrs. Weller was a most agreeable female, and also

that Mr. Stiggins had a clerical appearance. It made a visible impression at once; and Sam followed up his

'Get along with you!' said Mrs. Weller, pushing him away. 'For shame, young man!' said the gentleman with

'No offence, sir, no offence,' replied Sam; 'you're wery right, though; it ain't the right sort o' thing, ven

The deputyshepherd seemed by no means best pleased with Sam's arrival; and when the first effervescence

of the compliment had subsided, even Mrs. Weller looked as if she could have spared him without the

smallest inconvenience. However, there he was; and as he couldn't be decently turned out, they all three sat

At this inquiry, Mrs. Weller raised her hands, and turned up her eyes, as if the subject were too painful to be

'A man of wrath!' exclaimed Mr. Stiggins. He took a large semicircular bite out of the toast, and groaned

Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the reverend Mr. Stiggins something to groan for, but he repressed his

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 249

'Up to, indeed!' said Mrs. Weller, 'Oh, he has a hard heart. Night after night does this excellent mandon't

frown, Mr. Stiggins; I WILL say you ARE an excellent mancome and sit here, for hours together, and it

has not the least effect upon him.' 'Well, that is odd,' said Sam; 'it 'ud have a wery considerable effect upon

'The fact is, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins solemnly, 'he has an obderrate bosom. Oh, my young friend,

who else could have resisted the pleading of sixteen of our fairest sisters, and withstood their exhortations to

subscribe to our noble society for providing the infant negroes in the West Indies with flannel waistcoats and

'What's a moral pocketankercher?' said Sam; 'I never see one o' them articles o' furniter.'

'Those which combine amusement With instruction, my young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'blending select

'Oh, I know,' said Sam; 'them as hangs up in the linendrapers' shops, with beggars' petitions and all that 'ere

Mr. Stiggins began a third round of toast, and nodded assent. 'And he wouldn't be persuaded by the ladies,

'Sat and smoked his pipe, and said the infant negroes were what did he say the infant negroes were?' said

'Said the infant negroes were little humbugs,' repeated Mrs. Weller. And they both groaned at the atrocious

A great many more iniquities of a similar nature might have been disclosed, only the toast being all eaten, the

tea having got very weak, and Sam holding out no indications of meaning to go, Mr. Stiggins suddenly

recollected that he had a most pressing appointment with the shepherd, and took himself off accordingly.

The teathings had been scarcely put away, and the hearth swept up, when the London coach deposited Mr.

Weller, senior, at the door; his legs deposited him in the bar; and his eyes showed him his son.

'Wery glad to see you, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, 'though how you've managed to get over your

motherinlaw, is a mystery to me. I only vish you'd write me out the receipt, that's all.'

'Hush!' said Sam, 'she's at home, old feller.' 'She ain't vithin hearin',' replied Mr. Weller; 'she always goes and

blows up, downstairs, for a couple of hours arter tea; so we'll just give ourselves a damp, Sammy.'

Saying this, Mr. Weller mixed two glasses of spiritsandwater, and produced a couple of pipes. The father

and son sitting down opposite each other; Sam on one side of the fire, in the highbacked chair, and Mr.

Weller, senior, on the other, in an easy ditto, they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due gravity.

'Anybody been here, Sammy?' asked Mr. Weller, senior, dryly, after a long silence.

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 250

'Borrows eighteenpence on Monday, and comes on Tuesday for a shillin' to make it up halfacrown; calls

again on Vensday for another halfcrown to make it five shillin's; and goes on, doubling, till he gets it up to a

five pund note in no time, like them sums in the 'rithmetic book 'bout the nails in the horse's shoes, Sammy.'

Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem alluded to by his parent.

'So you vouldn't subscribe to the flannel veskits?' said Sam, after another interval of smoking.

'Cert'nly not,' replied Mr. Weller; 'what's the good o' flannel veskits to the young niggers abroad? But I'll tell

you what it is, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, lowering his voice, and bending across the fireplace; 'I'd come down

As Mr. Weller said this, he slowly recovered his former position, and winked at his firstborn, in a profound

'it cert'nly seems a queer start to send out pocket'ankerchers to people as don't know the use on 'em,'

'They're alvays adoin' some gammon of that sort, Sammy,' replied his father. 'T'other Sunday I wos walkin'

up the road, wen who should I see, astandin' at a chapel door, with a blue soupplate in her hand, but your

motherinlaw! I werily believe there was change for a couple o' suv'rins in it, then, Sammy, all in ha'pence;

and as the people come out, they rattled the pennies in it, till you'd ha' thought that no mortal plate as ever

'Ay,' replied Mr. Weller, 'there was three quarters owin', and the shepherd hadn't paid a farden, not

heperhaps it might be on account that the water warn't o' much use to him, for it's wery little o' that tap he

drinks, Sammy, wery; he knows a trick worth a good halfdozen of that, he does. Hows'ever, it warn't paid,

and so they cuts the water off. Down goes the shepherd to chapel, gives out as he's a persecuted saint, and

says he hopes the heart of the turncock as cut the water off, 'll be softened, and turned in the right vay, but he

rayther thinks he's booked for somethin' uncomfortable. Upon this, the women calls a meetin', sings a hymn,

wotes your motherinlaw into the chair, wolunteers a collection next Sunday, and hands it all over to the

shepherd. And if he ain't got enough out on 'em, Sammy, to make him free of the water company for life,'

said Mr. Weller, in conclusion, 'I'm one Dutchman, and you're another, and that's all about it.'

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 251

'The worst o' these here shepherds is, my boy, that they reg'larly turns the heads of all the young ladies, about

here. Lord bless their little hearts, they thinks it's all right, and don't know no better; but they're the wictims o'

'Nothin' else,' said Mr. Weller, shaking his head gravely; 'and wot aggrawates me, Samivel, is to see 'em

awastin' all their time and labour in making clothes for coppercoloured people as don't want 'em, and

taking no notice of fleshcoloured Christians as do. If I'd my vay, Samivel, I'd just stick some o' these here

lazy shepherds behind a heavy wheelbarrow, and run 'em up and down a fourteeninchwide plank all day.

Mr. Weller, having delivered this gentle recipe with strong emphasis, eked out by a variety of nods and

contortions of the eye, emptied his glass at a draught, and knocked the ashes out of his pipe, with native

'Here's your dear relation, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller; and Mrs. W. hurried into the room.

'No, my dear, he hasn't,' replied Mr. Weller, lighting the pipe by the ingenious process of holding to the bowl

thereof, between the tongs, a redhot coal from the adjacent fire; and what's more, my dear, I shall manage to

'Thank'ee, my love,' said Mr. Weller. 'Come, come, father,' said Sam, 'none o' these little lovin's afore

strangers. Here's the reverend gen'l'm'n acomin' in now.' At this announcement, Mrs. Weller hastily wiped

off the tears which she had just begun to force on; and Mr. W. drew his chair sullenly into the

Mr. Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take another glass of the hot pineapple rumandwater, and a

second, and a third, and then to refresh himself with a slight supper, previous to beginning again. He sat on

the same side as Mr. Weller, senior; and every time he could contrive to do so, unseen by his wife, that

gentleman indicated to his son the hidden emotions of his bosom, by shaking his fist over the

deputyshepherd's head; a process which afforded his son the most unmingled delight and satisfaction, the

more especially as Mr. Stiggins went on, quietly drinking the hot pineapple rumandwater, wholly

The major part of the conversation was confined to Mrs. Weller and the reverend Mr. Stiggins; and the topics

principally descanted on, were the virtues of the shepherd, the worthiness of his flock, and the high crimes

and misdemeanours of everybody besidedissertations which the elder Mr. Weller occasionally interrupted

by halfsuppressed references to a gentleman of the name of Walker, and other running commentaries of the

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 252

At length Mr. Stiggins, with several most indubitable symptoms of having quite as much pineapple

rumandwater about him as he could comfortably accommodate, took his hat, and his leave; and Sam was,

immediately afterwards, shown to bed by his father. The respectable old gentleman wrung his hand fervently,

and seemed disposed to address some observation to his son; but on Mrs. Weller advancing towards him, he

Sam was up betimes next day, and having partaken of a hasty breakfast, prepared to return to London. He had

'I vish you could muffle that 'ere Stiggins, and take him vith you,' said Mr. Weller.

'I am ashamed on you!' said Sam reproachfully; 'what do you let him show his red nose in the Markis o'

Mr. Weller the elder fixed on his son an earnest look, and replied, ''Cause I'm a married man, Samivel,'cause

I'm a married man. Ven you're a married man, Samivel, you'll understand a good many things as you don't

understand now; but vether it's worth while goin' through so much, to learn so little, as the charityboy said

ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter o' taste. I rayther think it isn't.' 'Well,' said Sam, 'goodbye.'

'I've only got to say this here,' said Sam, stopping short, 'that if I was the properiator o' the Markis o' Granby,

'No!' said Mr. Weller, shaking his son eagerly by the hand, 'would you raly, Sammywould you, though?'

'I would,' said Sam. 'I wouldn't be too hard upon him at first. I'd drop him in the waterbutt, and put the lid

on; and if I found he was insensible to kindness, I'd try the other persvasion.'

The elder Mr. Weller bestowed a look of deep, unspeakable admiration on his son, and, having once more

grasped his hand, walked slowly away, revolving in his mind the numerous reflections to which his advice

Sam looked after him, until he turned a corner of the road; and then set forward on his walk to London. He

meditated at first, on the probable consequences of his own advice, and the likelihood of his father's adopting

it. He dismissed the subject from his mind, however, with the consolatory reflection that time alone would

CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW 253

As brisk as bees, if not altogether as light as fairies, did the four Pickwickians assemble on the morning of the

twentysecond day of December, in the year of grace in which these, their faithfullyrecorded adventures,

were undertaken and accomplished. Christmas was close at hand, in all his bluff and hearty honesty; it was

the season of hospitality, merriment, and openheartedness; the old year was preparing, like an ancient

philosopher, to call his friends around him, and amidst the sound of feasting and revelry to pass gently and

calmly away. Gay and merry was the time; and right gay and merry were at least four of the numerous hearts

And numerous indeed are the hearts to which Christmas brings a brief season of happiness and enjoyment.

How many families, whose members have been dispersed and scattered far and wide, in the restless struggles

of life, are then reunited, and meet once again in that happy state of companionship and mutual goodwill,

which is a source of such pure and unalloyed delight; and one so incompatible with the cares and sorrows of

the world, that the religious belief of the most civilised nations, and the rude traditions of the roughest

savages, alike number it among the first joys of a future condition of existence, provided for the blessed and

happy! How many old recollections, and how many dormant sympathies, does Christmas time awaken!

We write these words now, many miles distant from the spot at which, year after year, we met on that day, a

merry and joyous circle. Many of the hearts that throbbed so gaily then, have ceased to beat; many of the

looks that shone so brightly then, have ceased to glow; the hands we grasped, have grown cold; the eyes we

sought, have hid their lustre in the grave; and yet the old house, the room, the merry voices and smiling faces,

the jest, the laugh, the most minute and trivial circumstances connected with those happy meetings, crowd

upon our mind at each recurrence of the season, as if the last assemblage had been but yesterday! Happy,

happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the

pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his

But we are so taken up and occupied with the good qualities of this saint Christmas, that we are keeping Mr.

Pickwick and his friends waiting in the cold on the outside of the Muggleton coach, which they have just

attained, well wrapped up in great coats, shawls, and comforters. The portmanteaus and carpet bags have

been stowed away, and Mr. Weller and the guard are endeavouring to insinuate into the foreboot a huge

codfish several sizes too large for itwhich is snugly packed up, in a long brown basket, with a layer of

straw over the top, and which has been left to the last, in order that he may repose in safety on the halfdozen

barrels of real native oysters, all the property of Mr. Pickwick, which have been arranged in regular order at

the bottom of the receptacle. The interest displayed in Mr. Pickwick's countenance is most intense, as Mr.

Weller and the guard try to squeeze the codfish into the boot, first head first, and then tail first, and then top

upward, and then bottom upward, and then sideways, and then longways, all of which artifices the

implacable codfish sturdily resists, until the guard accidentally hits him in the very middle of the basket,

whereupon he suddenly disappears into the boot, and with him, the head and shoulders of the guard himself,

who, not calculating upon so sudden a cessation of the passive resistance of the codfish, experiences a very

unexpected shock, to the unsmotherable delight of all the porters and bystanders. Upon this, Mr. Pickwick

smiles with great goodhumour, and drawing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket, begs the guard, as he picks

himself out of the boot, to drink his health in a glass of hot brandyandwater; at which the guard smiles too,

and Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, all smile in company. The guard and Mr. Weller disappear for

five minutes, most probably to get the hot brandyandwater, for they smell very strongly of it, when they

return, the coachman mounts to the box, Mr. Weller jumps up behind, the Pickwickians pull their coats round

their legs and their shawls over their noses, the helpers pull the horsecloths off, the coachman shouts out a

They have rumbled through the streets, and jolted over the stones, and at length reach the wide and open

country. The wheels skim over the hard and frosty ground; and the horses, bursting into a canter at a smart

crack of the whip, step along the road as if the load behind themcoach, passengers, codfish,

oysterbarrels, and allwere but a feather at their heels. They have descended a gentle slope, and enter upon

a level, as compact and dry as a solid block of marble, two miles long. Another crack of the whip, and on

they speed, at a smart gallop, the horses tossing their heads and rattling the harness, as if in exhilaration at the

rapidity of the motion; while the coachman, holding whip and reins in one hand, takes off his hat with the

other, and resting it on his knees, pulls out his handkerchief, and wipes his forehead, partly because he has a

habit of doing it, and partly because it's as well to show the passengers how cool he is, and what an easy thing

it is to drive fourinhand, when you have had as much practice as he has. Having done this very leisurely

(otherwise the effect would be materially impaired), he replaces his handkerchief, pulls on his hat, adjusts his

gloves, squares his elbows, cracks the whip again, and on they speed, more merrily than before. A few small

houses, scattered on either side of the road, betoken the entrance to some town or village. The lively notes of

the guard's keybugle vibrate in the clear cold air, and wake up the old gentleman inside, who, carefully

letting down the windowsash halfway, and standing sentry over the air, takes a short peep out, and then

carefully pulling it up again, informs the other inside that they're going to change directly; on which the other

inside wakes himself up, and determines to postpone his next nap until after the stoppage. Again the bugle

sounds lustily forth, and rouses the cottager's wife and children, who peep out at the house door, and watch

the coach till it turns the corner, when they once more crouch round the blazing fire, and throw on another log

of wood against father comes home; while father himself, a full mile off, has just exchanged a friendly nod

with the coachman, and turned round to take a good long stare at the vehicle as it whirls away.

And now the bugle plays a lively air as the coach rattles through the illpaved streets of a country town; and

the coachman, undoing the buckle which keeps his ribands together, prepares to throw them off the moment

he stops. Mr. Pickwick emerges from his coat collar, and looks about him with great curiosity; perceiving

which, the coachman informs Mr. Pickwick of the name of the town, and tells him it was marketday

yesterday, both of which pieces of information Mr. Pickwick retails to his fellowpassengers; whereupon

they emerge from their coat collars too, and look about them also. Mr. Winkle, who sits at the extreme edge,

with one leg dangling in the air, is nearly precipitated into the street, as the coach twists round the sharp

corner by the cheesemonger's shop, and turns into the market place; and before Mr. Snodgrass, who sits next

to him, has recovered from his alarm, they pull up at the inn yard where the fresh horses, with cloths on, are

already waiting. The coachman throws down the reins and gets down himself, and the other outside

passengers drop down also; except those who have no great confidence in their ability to get up again; and

they remain where they are, and stamp their feet against the coach to warm themlooking, with longing

eyes and red noses, at the bright fire in the inn bar, and the sprigs of holly with red berries which ornament

But the guard has delivered at the corndealer's shop, the brown paper packet he took out of the little pouch

which hangs over his shoulder by a leathern strap; and has seen the horses carefully put to; and has thrown on

the pavement the saddle which was brought from London on the coach roof; and has assisted in the

conference between the coachman and the hostler about the gray mare that hurt her off foreleg last Tuesday;

and he and Mr. Weller are all right behind, and the coachman is all right in front, and the old gentleman

inside, who has kept the window down full two inches all this time, has pulled it up again, and the cloths are

off, and they are all ready for starting, except the 'two stout gentlemen,' whom the coachman inquires after

with some impatience. Hereupon the coachman, and the guard, and Sam Weller, and Mr. Winkle, and Mr.

Snodgrass, and all the hostlers, and every one of the idlers, who are more in number than all the others put

together, shout for the missing gentlemen as loud as they can bawl. A distant response is heard from the yard,

and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman come running down it, quite out of breath, for they have been having a

glass of ale apiece, and Mr. Pickwick's fingers are so cold that he has been full five minutes before he could

find the sixpence to pay for it. The coachman shouts an admonitory 'Now then, gen'l'm'n,' the guard

reechoes it; the old gentleman inside thinks it a very extraordinary thing that people WILL get down when

they know there isn't time for it; Mr. Pickwick struggles up on one side, Mr. Tupman on the other; Mr.

Winkle cries 'All right'; and off they start. Shawls are pulled up, coat collars are readjusted, the pavement

ceases, the houses disappear; and they are once again dashing along the open road, with the fresh clear air

Such was the progress of Mr. Pickwick and his friends by the Muggleton Telegraph, on their way to Dingley

Dell; and at three o'clock that afternoon they all stood high and dry, safe and sound, hale and hearty, upon the

steps of the Blue Lion, having taken on the road quite enough of ale and brandy, to enable them to bid

defiance to the frost that was binding up the earth in its iron fetters, and weaving its beautiful network upon

the trees and hedges. Mr. Pickwick was busily engaged in counting the barrels of oysters and superintending

the disinterment of the codfish, when he felt himself gently pulled by the skirts of the coat. Looking round,

he discovered that the individual who resorted to this mode of catching his attention was no other than Mr.

Wardle's favourite page, better known to the readers of this unvarnished history, by the distinguishing

As he said it, he glanced from the codfish to the oyster barrels, and chuckled joyously. He was fatter than

'I've been asleep, right in front of the taproom fire,' replied the fat boy, who had heated himself to the colour

of a new chimney pot, in the course of an hour's nap. 'Master sent me over with the shaycart, to carry your

luggage up to the house. He'd ha' sent some saddlehorses, but he thought you'd rather walk, being a cold

'Yes, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily, for he remembered how they had travelled over nearly the same ground

'Help Mr. Wardle's servant to put the packages into the cart, and then ride on with him. We will walk forward

Having given this direction, and settled with the coachman, Mr. Pickwick and his three friends struck into the

footpath across the fields, and walked briskly away, leaving Mr. Weller and the fat boy confronted together

for the first time. Sam looked at the fat boy with great astonishment, but without saying a word; and began to

stow the luggage rapidly away in the cart, while the fat boy stood quietly by, and seemed to think it a very

'Vell, young twenty stun,' said Sam, 'you're a nice specimen of a prize boy, you are!' 'Thank'ee,' said the fat

'You ain't got nothin' on your mind as makes you fret yourself, have you?' inquired Sam.

'I should rayther ha' thought, to look at you, that you was alabourin' under an unrequited attachment to some

'Ah,' said Sam, 'I should ha' s'posed that; but what I mean is, should you like a drop of anythin' as'd warm

'Sometimes,' replied the boy; 'and I likes a drop of something, when it's good.'

The Blue Lion tap was soon gained, and the fat boy swallowed a glass of liquor without so much as

winkinga feat which considerably advanced him in Mr. Weller's good opinion. Mr. Weller having

transacted a similar piece of business on his own account, they got into the cart.

'There, then,' said the fat boy, putting the reins in his hand, and pointing up a lane, 'it's as straight as you can

With these words, the fat boy laid himself affectionately down by the side of the codfish, and, placing an

'Well,' said Sam, 'of all the cool boys ever I set my eyes on, this here young gen'l'm'n is the coolest. Come,

But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of returning animation, Sam Weller sat himself down in front of

the cart, and starting the old horse with a jerk of the rein, jogged steadily on, towards the Manor Farm.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pickwick and his friends having walked their blood into active circulation, proceeded

cheerfully on. The paths were hard; the grass was crisp and frosty; the air had a fine, dry, bracing coldness;

and the rapid approach of the gray twilight (slatecoloured is a better term in frosty weather) made them look

forward with pleasant anticipation to the comforts which awaited them at their hospitable entertainer's. It was

the sort of afternoon that might induce a couple of elderly gentlemen, in a lonely field, to take off their

greatcoats and play at leapfrog in pure lightness of heart and gaiety; and we firmly believe that had Mr.

Tupman at that moment proffered 'a back,' Mr. Pickwick would have accepted his offer with the utmost

However, Mr. Tupman did not volunteer any such accommodation, and the friends walked on, conversing

merrily. As they turned into a lane they had to cross, the sound of many voices burst upon their ears; and

before they had even had time to form a guess to whom they belonged, they walked into the very centre of

the party who were expecting their arrivala fact which was first notified to the Pickwickians, by the loud

First, there was Wardle himself, looking, if that were possible, more jolly than ever; then there were Bella

and her faithful Trundle; and, lastly, there were Emily and some eight or ten young ladies, who had all come

down to the wedding, which was to take place next day, and who were in as happy and important a state as

young ladies usually are, on such momentous occasions; and they were, one and all, startling the fields and

The ceremony of introduction, under such circumstances, was very soon performed, or we should rather say

that the introduction was soon over, without any ceremony at all. In two minutes thereafter, Mr. Pickwick

was joking with the young ladies who wouldn't come over the stile while he lookedor who, having pretty

feet and unexceptionable ankles, preferred standing on the top rail for five minutes or so, declaring that they

were too frightened to movewith as much ease and absence of reserve or constraint, as if he had known

them for life. It is worthy of remark, too, that Mr. Snodgrass offered Emily far more assistance than the

absolute terrors of the stile (although it was full three feet high, and had only a couple of steppingstones)

would seem to require; while one blackeyed young lady in a very nice little pair of boots with fur round the

top, was observed to scream very loudly, when Mr. Winkle offered to help her over.

All this was very snug and pleasant. And when the difficulties of the stile were at last surmounted, and they

once more entered on the open field, old Wardle informed Mr. Pickwick how they had all been down in a

body to inspect the furniture and fittings up of the house, which the young couple were to tenant, after the

Christmas holidays; at which communication Bella and Trundle both coloured up, as red as the fat boy after

the taproom fire; and the young lady with the black eyes and the fur round the boots, whispered something in

Emily's ear, and then glanced archly at Mr. Snodgrass; to which Emily responded that she was a foolish girl,

but turned very red, notwithstanding; and Mr. Snodgrass, who was as modest as all great geniuses usually are,

felt the crimson rising to the crown of his head, and devoutly wished, in the inmost recesses of his own heart,

that the young lady aforesaid, with her black eyes, and her archness, and her boots with the fur round the top,

But if they were social and happy outside the house, what was the warmth and cordiality of their reception

when they reached the farm! The very servants grinned with pleasure at sight of Mr. Pickwick; and Emma

bestowed a halfdemure, halfimpudent, and allpretty look of recognition, on Mr. Tupman, which was

enough to make the statue of Bonaparte in the passage, unfold his arms, and clasp her within them.

The old lady was seated with customary state in the front parlour, but she was rather cross, and, by

consequence, most particularly deaf. She never went out herself, and like a great many other old ladies of the

same stamp, she was apt to consider it an act of domestic treason, if anybody else took the liberty of doing

what she couldn't. So, bless her old soul, she sat as upright as she could, in her great chair, and looked as

'Never mind,' replied the old lady, with great dignity. 'Don't trouble Mr. Pickwick about an old creetur like

me. Nobody cares about me now, and it's very nat'ral they shouldn't.' Here the old lady tossed her head, and

smoothed down her lavendercoloured silk dress with trembling hands. 'Come, come, ma'am,' said Mr.

Pickwick, 'I can't let you cut an old friend in this way. I have come down expressly to have a long talk, and

another rubber with you; and we'll show these boys and girls how to dance a minuet, before they're

The old lady was rapidly giving way, but she did not like to do it all at once; so she only said, 'Ah! I can't

'Nonsense, mother,' said Wardle. 'Come, come, don't be cross, there's a good soul. Recollect Bella; come, you

The good old lady heard this, for her lip quivered as her son said it. But age has its little infirmities of temper,

and she was not quite brought round yet. So, she smoothed down the lavendercoloured dress again, and

turning to Mr. Pickwick said, 'Ah, Mr. Pickwick, young people was very different, when I was a girl.'

'No doubt of that, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and that's the reason why I would make much of the few that

have any traces of the old stock'and saying this, Mr. Pickwick gently pulled Bella towards him, and

bestowing a kiss upon her forehead, bade her sit down on the little stool at her grandmother's feet. Whether

the expression of her countenance, as it was raised towards the old lady's face, called up a thought of old

times, or whether the old lady was touched by Mr. Pickwick's affectionate goodnature, or whatever was the

cause, she was fairly melted; so she threw herself on her granddaughter's neck, and all the little illhumour

A happy party they were, that night. Sedate and solemn were the score of rubbers in which Mr. Pickwick and

the old lady played together; uproarious was the mirth of the round table. Long after the ladies had retired,

did the hot elder wine, well qualified with brandy and spice, go round, and round, and round again; and sound

was the sleep and pleasant were the dreams that followed. It is a remarkable fact that those of Mr. Snodgrass

bore constant reference to Emily Wardle; and that the principal figure in Mr. Winkle's visions was a young

lady with black eyes, and arch smile, and a pair of remarkably nice boots with fur round the tops.

Mr. Pickwick was awakened early in the morning, by a hum of voices and a pattering of feet, sufficient to

rouse even the fat boy from his heavy slumbers. He sat up in bed and listened. The female servants and

female visitors were running constantly to and fro; and there were such multitudinous demands for hot water,

such repeated outcries for needles and thread, and so many halfsuppressed entreaties of 'Oh, do come and tie

me, there's a dear!' that Mr. Pickwick in his innocence began to imagine that something dreadful must have

occurredwhen he grew more awake, and remembered the wedding. The occasion being an important one,

There were all the female servants in a bran new uniform of pink muslin gowns with white bows in their

caps, running about the house in a state of excitement and agitation which it would be impossible to describe.

The old lady was dressed out in a brocaded gown, which had not seen the light for twenty years, saving and

excepting such truant rays as had stolen through the chinks in the box in which it had been laid by, during the

whole time. Mr. Trundle was in high feather and spirits, but a little nervous withal. The hearty old landlord

was trying to look very cheerful and unconcerned, but failing signally in the attempt. All the girls were in

tears and white muslin, except a select two or three, who were being honoured with a private view of the

bride and bridesmaids, upstairs. All the Pickwickians were in most blooming array; and there was a terrific

roaring on the grass in front of the house, occasioned by all the men, boys, and hobbledehoys attached to the

farm, each of whom had got a white bow in his buttonhole, and all of whom were cheering with might and

main; being incited thereto, and stimulated therein by the precept and example of Mr. Samuel Weller, who

had managed to become mighty popular already, and was as much at home as if he had been born on the land.

A wedding is a licensed subject to joke upon, but there really is no great joke in the matter after all;we

speak merely of the ceremony, and beg it to be distinctly understood that we indulge in no hidden sarcasm

upon a married life. Mixed up with the pleasure and joy of the occasion, are the many regrets at quitting

home, the tears of parting between parent and child, the consciousness of leaving the dearest and kindest

friends of the happiest portion of human life, to encounter its cares and troubles with others still untried and

little knownnatural feelings which we would not render this chapter mournful by describing, and which we

Let us briefly say, then, that the ceremony was performed by the old clergyman, in the parish church of

Dingley Dell, and that Mr. Pickwick's name is attached to the register, still preserved in the vestry thereof;

that the young lady with the black eyes signed her name in a very unsteady and tremulous manner; that

Emily's signature, as the other bridesmaid, is nearly illegible; that it all went off in very admirable style; that

the young ladies generally thought it far less shocking than they had expected; and that although the owner of

the black eyes and the arch smile informed Mr. Wardle that she was sure she could never submit to anything

so dreadful, we have the very best reasons for thinking she was mistaken. To all this, we may add, that Mr.

Pickwick was the first who saluted the bride, and that in so doing he threw over her neck a rich gold watch

and chain, which no mortal eyes but the jeweller's had ever beheld before. Then, the old church bell rang as

gaily as it could, and they all returned to breakfast. 'Vere does the mincepies go, young opiumeater?' said

Mr. Weller to the fat boy, as he assisted in laying out such articles of consumption as had not been duly

'Wery good,' said Sam, 'stick a bit o' Christmas in 'em. T'other dish opposite. There; now we look compact

and comfortable, as the father said ven he cut his little boy's head off, to cure him o' squintin'.'

As Mr. Weller made the comparison, he fell back a step or two, to give full effect to it, and surveyed the

'Wardle,' said Mr. Pickwick, almost as soon as they were all seated, 'a glass of wine in honour of this happy

'I shall be delighted, my boy,' said Wardle. 'Joedamn that boy, he's gone to sleep.' 'No, I ain't, sir,' replied

the fat boy, starting up from a remote corner, where, like the patron saint of fat boysthe immortal

Hornerhe had been devouring a Christmas pie, though not with the coolness and deliberation which

The fat boy filled Mr. Pickwick's glass, and then retired behind his master's chair, from whence he watched

the play of the knives and forks, and the progress of the choice morsels from the dishes to the mouths of the

'Mrs. Wardle,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'we old folks must have a glass of wine together, in honour of this joyful

The old lady was in a state of great grandeur just then, for she was sitting at the top of the table in the

brocaded gown, with her newlymarried granddaughter on one side, and Mr. Pickwick on the other, to do the

carving. Mr. Pickwick had not spoken in a very loud tone, but she understood him at once, and drank off a

full glass of wine to his long life and happiness; after which the worthy old soul launched forth into a minute

and particular account of her own wedding, with a dissertation on the fashion of wearing highheeled shoes,

and some particulars concerning the life and adventures of the beautiful Lady Tollimglower, deceased; at all

of which the old lady herself laughed very heartily indeed, and so did the young ladies too, for they were

wondering among themselves what on earth grandma was talking about. When they laughed, the old lady

laughed ten times more heartily, and said that these always had been considered capital stories, which caused

them all to laugh again, and put the old lady into the very best of humours. Then the cake was cut, and passed

through the ring; the young ladies saved pieces to put under their pillows to dream of their future husbands

'Mr. Miller,' said Mr. Pickwick to his old acquaintance, the hardheaded gentleman, 'a glass of wine?'

'With great satisfaction, Mr. Pickwick,' replied the hard headed gentleman solemnly.

'And me,' interposed his wife. 'And me, and me,' said a couple of poor relations at the bottom of the table,

Mr. Pickwick expressed his heartfelt delight at every additional suggestion; and his eyes beamed with hilarity

'Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Hear, hear!' cried Mr. Weller, in the excitement of his feelings.

'Call in all the servants,' cried old Wardle, interposing to prevent the public rebuke which Mr. Weller would

otherwise most indubitably have received from his master. 'Give them a glass of wine each to drink the toast

Amidst the silence of the company, the whispering of the womenservants, and the awkward embarrassment

'Ladies and gentlemenno, I won't say ladies and gentlemen, I'll call you my friends, my dear friends, if the

Here Mr. Pickwick was interrupted by immense applause from the ladies, echoed by the gentlemen, during

which the owner of the eyes was distinctly heard to state that she could kiss that dear Mr. Pickwick.

Whereupon Mr. Winkle gallantly inquired if it couldn't be done by deputy: to which the young lady with the

black eyes replied 'Go away,' and accompanied the request with a look which said as plainly as a look could

'My dear friends,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'I am going to propose the health of the bride and

bridegroomGod bless 'em (cheers and tears). My young friend, Trundle, I believe to be a very excellent

and manly fellow; and his wife I know to be a very amiable and lovely girl, well qualified to transfer to

another sphere of action the happiness which for twenty years she has diffused around her, in her father's

house. (Here, the fat boy burst forth into stentorian blubberings, and was led forth by the coat collar, by Mr.

Weller.) I wish,' added Mr. Pickwick'I wish I was young enough to be her sister's husband (cheers), but,

failing that, I am happy to be old enough to be her father; for, being so, I shall not be suspected of any latent

designs when I say, that I admire, esteem, and love them both (cheers and sobs). The bride's father, our good

friend there, is a noble person, and I am proud to know him (great uproar). He is a kind, excellent,

independentspirited, finehearted, hospitable, liberal man (enthusiastic shouts from the poor relations, at all

the adjectives; and especially at the two last). That his daughter may enjoy all the happiness, even he can

desire; and that he may derive from the contemplation of her felicity all the gratification of heart and peace of

mind which he so well deserves, is, I am persuaded, our united wish. So, let us drink their healths, and wish

Mr. Pickwick concluded amidst a whirlwind of applause; and once more were the lungs of the

supernumeraries, under Mr. Weller's command, brought into active and efficient operation. Mr. Wardle

proposed Mr. Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick proposed the old lady. Mr. Snodgrass proposed Mr. Wardle; Mr.

Wardle proposed Mr. Snodgrass. One of the poor relations proposed Mr. Tupman, and the other poor relation

proposed Mr. Winkle; all was happiness and festivity, until the mysterious disappearance of both the poor

At dinner they met again, after a fiveandtwenty mile walk, undertaken by the males at Wardle's

recommendation, to get rid of the effects of the wine at breakfast. The poor relations had kept in bed all day,

with the view of attaining the same happy consummation, but, as they had been unsuccessful, they stopped

there. Mr. Weller kept the domestics in a state of perpetual hilarity; and the fat boy divided his time into

The dinner was as hearty an affair as the breakfast, and was quite as noisy, without the tears. Then came the

The best sittingroom at Manor Farm was a good, long, dark panelled room with a high chimneypiece, and

a capacious chimney, up which you could have driven one of the new patent cabs, wheels and all. At the

upper end of the room, seated in a shady bower of holly and evergreens were the two best fiddlers, and the

only harp, in all Muggleton. In all sorts of recesses, and on all kinds of brackets, stood massive old silver

candlesticks with four branches each. The carpet was up, the candles burned bright, the fire blazed and

crackled on the hearth, and merry voices and lighthearted laughter rang through the room. If any of the old

English yeomen had turned into fairies when they died, it was just the place in which they would have held

If anything could have added to the interest of this agreeable scene, it would have been the remarkable fact of

Mr. Pickwick's appearing without his gaiters, for the first time within the memory of his oldest friends.

'Of course I do,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Don't you see I am dressed for the purpose?' Mr. Pickwick called

'And why not, sirwhy not?' said Mr. Pickwick, turning warmly upon him. 'Oh, of course there is no reason

'I imagine not, sirI imagine not,' said Mr. Pickwick, in a very peremptory tone.

Mr. Tupman had contemplated a laugh, but he found it was a serious matter; so he looked grave, and said

'I hope they are,' said Mr. Pickwick, fixing his eyes upon his friend. 'You see nothing extraordinary in the

'Certainly not. Oh, certainly not,' replied Mr. Tupman. He walked away; and Mr. Pickwick's countenance

'We are all ready, I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick, who was stationed with the old lady at the top of the dance,

Up struck the two fiddles and the one harp, and off went Mr. Pickwick into hands across, when there was a

'What's the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick, who was only brought to, by the fiddles and harp desisting, and could

have been stopped by no other earthly power, if the house had been on fire. 'Where's Arabella Allen?' cried a

'Here we are!' exclaimed that gentleman, emerging with his pretty companion from the corner; as he did so, it

would have been hard to tell which was the redder in the face, he or the young lady with the black eyes.

'What an extraordinary thing it is, Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick, rather pettishly, 'that you couldn't have taken

'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a very expressive smile, as his eyes rested on Arabella, 'well, I don't know that

However, there was no time to think more about the matter, for the fiddles and harp began in real earnest.

Away went Mr. Pickwickhands acrossdown the middle to the very end of the room, and halfway up

the chimney, back again to the door poussette everywhereloud stamp on the groundready for the next

coupleoff againall the figure over once moreanother stamp to beat out the timenext couple, and the

next, and the next againnever was such going; at last, after they had reached the bottom of the dance, and

full fourteen couple after the old lady had retired in an exhausted state, and the clergyman's wife had been

substituted in her stead, did that gentleman, when there was no demand whatever on his exertions, keep

perpetually dancing in his place, to keep time to the music, smiling on his partner all the while with a

Long before Mr. Pickwick was weary of dancing, the newly married couple had retired from the scene.

There was a glorious supper downstairs, notwithstanding, and a good long sitting after it; and when Mr.

Pickwick awoke, late the next morning, he had a confused recollection of having, severally and

confidentially, invited somewhere about fiveandforty people to dine with him at the George and Vulture,

the very first time they came to London; which Mr. Pickwick rightly considered a pretty certain indication of

'And so your family has games in the kitchen tonight, my dear, has they?' inquired Sam of Emma.

'Yes, Mr. Weller,' replied Emma; 'we always have on Christmas Eve. Master wouldn't neglect to keep it up on

'Your master's a wery pretty notion of keeping anythin' up, my dear,' said Mr. Weller; 'I never see such a

sensible sort of man as he is, or such a reg'lar gen'l'm'n.' 'Oh, that he is!' said the fat boy, joining in the

conversation; 'don't he breed nice pork!' The fat youth gave a semicannibalic leer at Mr. Weller, as he

'I'll tell you what it is, young boaconstructer,' said Mr. Weller impressively; 'if you don't sleep a little less,

and exercise a little more, wen you comes to be a man you'll lay yourself open to the same sort of personal

'I'm agoing to tell you,' replied Mr. Weller; 'he was one o' the largest patterns as was ever turned

outreg'lar fat man, as hadn't caught a glimpse of his own shoes for fiveandforty year.'

'No, that he hadn't, my dear,' said Mr. Weller; 'and if you'd put an exact model of his own legs on the

dinin'table afore him, he wouldn't ha' known 'em. Well, he always walks to his office with a wery handsome

gold watchchain hanging out, about a foot and a quarter, and a gold watch in his fob pocket as was

worthI'm afraid to say how much, but as much as a watch can bea large, heavy, round manufacter, as

stout for a watch, as he was for a man, and with a big face in proportion. "You'd better not carry that 'ere

watch," says the old gen'l'm'n's friends, "you'll be robbed on it," says they. "Shall I?" says he. "Yes, you will,"

says they. "Well," says he, "I should like to see the thief as could get this here watch out, for I'm blessed if I

ever can, it's such a tight fit," says he, "and wenever I vants to know what's o'clock, I'm obliged to stare into

the bakers' shops," he says. Well, then he laughs as hearty as if he was agoin' to pieces, and out he walks

agin with his powdered head and pigtail, and rolls down the Strand with the chain hangin' out furder than

ever, and the great round watch almost bustin' through his gray kersey smalls. There warn't a pickpocket in all

London as didn't take a pull at that chain, but the chain 'ud never break, and the watch 'ud never come out, so

they soon got tired of dragging such a heavy old gen'l'm'n along the pavement, and he'd go home and laugh

till the pigtail wibrated like the penderlum of a Dutch clock. At last, one day the old gen'l'm'n was arollin'

along, and he sees a pickpocket as he know'd by sight, acoming up, arm in arm with a little boy with a wery

large head. "Here's a game," says the old gen'l'm'n to himself, "they're agoin' to have another try, but it won't

do!" So he begins achucklin' wery hearty, wen, all of a sudden, the little boy leaves hold of the pickpocket's

arm, and rushes head foremost straight into the old gen'l'm'n's stomach, and for a moment doubles him right

up with the pain. "Murder!" says the old gen'l'm'n. "All right, Sir," says the pickpocket, awisperin' in his ear.

And wen he come straight agin, the watch and chain was gone, and what's worse than that, the old gen'l'm'n's

digestion was all wrong ever afterwards, to the wery last day of his life; so just you look about you, young

As Mr. Weller concluded this moral tale, with which the fat boy appeared much affected, they all three

repaired to the large kitchen, in which the family were by this time assembled, according to annual custom on

From the centre of the ceiling of this kitchen, old Wardle had just suspended, with his own hands, a huge

branch of mistletoe, and this same branch of mistletoe instantaneously gave rise to a scene of general and

most delightful struggling and confusion; in the midst of which, Mr. Pickwick, with a gallantry that would

have done honour to a descendant of Lady Tollimglower herself, took the old lady by the hand, led her

beneath the mystic branch, and saluted her in all courtesy and decorum. The old lady submitted to this piece

of practical politeness with all the dignity which befitted so important and serious a solemnity, but the

younger ladies, not being so thoroughly imbued with a superstitious veneration for the custom, or imagining

that the value of a salute is very much enhanced if it cost a little trouble to obtain it, screamed and struggled,

and ran into corners, and threatened and remonstrated, and did everything but leave the room, until some of

the less adventurous gentlemen were on the point of desisting, when they all at once found it useless to resist

any longer, and submitted to be kissed with a good grace. Mr. Winkle kissed the young lady with the black

eyes, and Mr. Snodgrass kissed Emily; and Mr. Weller, not being particular about the form of being under the

mistletoe, kissed Emma and the other female servants, just as he caught them. As to the poor relations, they

kissed everybody, not even excepting the plainer portions of the young lady visitors, who, in their excessive

confusion, ran right under the mistletoe, as soon as it was hung up, without knowing it! Wardle stood with his

back to the fire, surveying the whole scene, with the utmost satisfaction; and the fat boy took the opportunity

of appropriating to his own use, and summarily devouring, a particularly fine mincepie, that had been

Now, the screaming had subsided, and faces were in a glow, and curls in a tangle, and Mr. Pickwick, after

kissing the old lady as before mentioned, was standing under the mistletoe, looking with a very pleased

countenance on all that was passing around him, when the young lady with the black eyes, after a little

whispering with the other young ladies, made a sudden dart forward, and, putting her arm round Mr.

Pickwick's neck, saluted him affectionately on the left cheek; and before Mr. Pickwick distinctly knew what

was the matter, he was surrounded by the whole body, and kissed by every one of them.

It was a pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick in the centre of the group, now pulled this way, and then that, and

first kissed on the chin, and then on the nose, and then on the spectacles, and to hear the peals of laughter

which were raised on every side; but it was a still more pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick, blinded shortly

afterwards with a silk handkerchief, falling up against the wall, and scrambling into corners, and going

through all the mysteries of blindman's buff, with the utmost relish for the game, until at last he caught one

of the poor relations, and then had to evade the blindman himself, which he did with a nimbleness and

agility that elicited the admiration and applause of all beholders. The poor relations caught the people who

they thought would like it, and, when the game flagged, got caught themselves. When they all tired of

blindman's buff, there was a great game at snapdragon, and when fingers enough were burned with that,

and all the raisins were gone, they sat down by the huge fire of blazing logs to a substantial supper, and a

mighty bowl of wassail, something smaller than an ordinary wash house copper, in which the hot apples

were hissing and bubbling with a rich look, and a jolly sound, that were perfectly irresistible.

'This,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round him, 'this is, indeed, comfort.' 'Our invariable custom,' replied Mr.

Wardle. 'Everybody sits down with us on Christmas Eve, as you see them nowservants and all; and here

we wait, until the clock strikes twelve, to usher Christmas in, and beguile the time with forfeits and old

Up flew the bright sparks in myriads as the logs were stirred. The deep red blaze sent forth a rich glow, that

penetrated into the farthest corner of the room, and cast its cheerful tint on every face.

'Come,' said Wardle, 'a songa Christmas song! I'll give you one, in default of a better.'

'Fill up,' cried Wardle. 'It will be two hours, good, before you see the bottom of the bowl through the deep

Thus saying, the merry old gentleman, in a good, round, sturdy voice, commenced without more ado

'I care not for Spring; on his fickle wing Let the blossoms and buds be borne; He woos them amain with his

treacherous rain, And he scatters them ere the morn. An inconstant elf, he knows not himself, Nor his own

changing mind an hour, He'll smile in your face, and, with wry grimace, He'll wither your youngest flower.

'Let the Summer sun to his bright home run, He shall never be sought by me; When he's dimmed by a cloud I

can laugh aloud And care not how sulky he be! For his darling child is the madness wild That sports in fierce

fever's train; And when love is too strong, it don't last long, As many have found to their pain.

'A mild harvest night, by the tranquil light Of the modest and gentle moon, Has a far sweeter sheen for me, I

ween, Than the broad and unblushing noon. But every leaf awakens my grief, As it lieth beneath the tree; So

'But my song I troll out, for CHRISTMAS Stout, The hearty, the true, and the bold; A bumper I drain, and

with might and main Give three cheers for this Christmas old! We'll usher him in with a merry din That shall

gladden his joyous heart, And we'll keep him up, while there's bite or sup, And in fellowship good, we'll part.

'In his fine honest pride, he scorns to hide One jot of his hardweather scars; They're no disgrace, for there's

much the same trace On the cheeks of our bravest tars. Then again I sing till the roof doth ring And it echoes

from wall to wall To the stout old wight, fair welcome tonight, As the King of the Seasons all!'

This song was tumultuously applaudedfor friends and dependents make a capital audienceand the poor

relations, especially, were in perfect ecstasies of rapture. Again was the fire replenished, and again went the

'Rough, cold night, Sir,' replied the man; 'and there's a wind got up, that drifts it across the fields, in a thick

'What does Jem say?' inquired the old lady. 'There ain't anything the matter, is there?'

'No, no, mother,' replied Wardle; 'he says there's a snowdrift, and a wind that's piercing cold. I should know

'Ah!' said the old lady, 'there was just such a wind, and just such a fall of snow, a good many years back, I

recollectjust five years before your poor father died. It was a Christmas Eve, too; and I remember that on

that very night he told us the story about the goblins that carried away old Gabriel Grub.'

'Oh, nothing, nothing,' replied Wardle. 'About an old sexton, that the good people down here suppose to have

'Suppose!' ejaculated the old lady. 'Is there anybody hardy enough to disbelieve it? Suppose! Haven't you

heard ever since you were a child, that he WAS carried away by the goblins, and don't you know he was?'

'Very well, mother, he was, if you like,' said Wardle laughing. 'He WAS carried away by goblins, Pickwick;

'No, no,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'not an end of it, I assure you; for I must hear how, and why, and all about it.'

Wardle smiled, as every head was bent forward to hear, and filling out the wassail with no stinted hand,

But bless our editorial heart, what a long chapter we have been betrayed into! We had quite forgotten all such

petty restrictions as chapters, we solemnly declare. So here goes, to give the goblin a fair start in a new one.

A clear stage and no favour for the goblins, ladies and gentlemen, if you please.

In an old abbey town, down in this part of the country, a long, long while agoso long, that the story must

be a true one, because our greatgrandfathers implicitly believed itthere officiated as sexton and

gravedigger in the churchyard, one Gabriel Grub. It by no means follows that because a man is a sexton, and

constantly surrounded by the emblems of mortality, therefore he should be a morose and melancholy man;

your undertakers are the merriest fellows in the world; and I once had the honour of being on intimate terms

with a mute, who in private life, and off duty, was as comical and jocose a little fellow as ever chirped out a

devilmaycare song, without a hitch in his memory, or drained off a good stiff glass without stopping for

breath. But notwithstanding these precedents to the contrary, Gabriel Grub was an illconditioned,

crossgrained, surly fellowa morose and lonely man, who consorted with nobody but himself, and an old

wicker bottle which fitted into his large deep waistcoat pocketand who eyed each merry face, as it passed

him by, with such a deep scowl of malice and illhumour, as it was difficult to meet without feeling

'A little before twilight, one Christmas Eve, Gabriel shouldered his spade, lighted his lantern, and betook

himself towards the old churchyard; for he had got a grave to finish by next morning, and, feeling very low,

he thought it might raise his spirits, perhaps, if he went on with his work at once. As he went his way, up the

ancient street, he saw the cheerful light of the blazing fires gleam through the old casements, and heard the

loud laugh and the cheerful shouts of those who were assembled around them; he marked the bustling

preparations for next day's cheer, and smelled the numerous savoury odours consequent thereupon, as they

steamed up from the kitchen windows in clouds. All this was gall and wormwood to the heart of Gabriel

Grub; and when groups of children bounded out of the houses, tripped across the road, and were met, before

they could knock at the opposite door, by half a dozen curlyheaded little rascals who crowded round them

as they flocked upstairs to spend the evening in their Christmas games, Gabriel smiled grimly, and clutched

the handle of his spade with a firmer grasp, as he thought of measles, scarlet fever, thrush, whoopingcough,

'In this happy frame of mind, Gabriel strode along, returning a short, sullen growl to the goodhumoured

greetings of such of his neighbours as now and then passed him, until he turned into the dark lane which led

to the churchyard. Now, Gabriel had been looking forward to reaching the dark lane, because it was,

generally speaking, a nice, gloomy, mournful place, into which the townspeople did not much care to go,

except in broad daylight, and when the sun was shining; consequently, he was not a little indignant to hear a

young urchin roaring out some jolly song about a merry Christmas, in this very sanctuary which had been

called Coffin Lane ever since the days of the old abbey, and the time of the shavenheaded monks. As

Gabriel walked on, and the voice drew nearer, he found it proceeded from a small boy, who was hurrying

along, to join one of the little parties in the old street, and who, partly to keep himself company, and partly to

prepare himself for the occasion, was shouting out the song at the highest pitch of his lungs. So Gabriel

waited until the boy came up, and then dodged him into a corner, and rapped him over the head with his

lantern five or six times, just to teach him to modulate his voice. And as the boy hurried away with his hand

to his head, singing quite a different sort of tune, Gabriel Grub chuckled very heartily to himself, and entered

'He took off his coat, set down his lantern, and getting into the unfinished grave, worked at it for an hour or

so with right good will. But the earth was hardened with the frost, and it was no very easy matter to break it

up, and shovel it out; and although there was a moon, it was a very young one, and shed little light upon the

grave, which was in the shadow of the church. At any other time, these obstacles would have made Gabriel

Grub very moody and miserable, but he was so well pleased with having stopped the small boy's singing, that

he took little heed of the scanty progress he had made, and looked down into the grave, when he had finished

work for the night, with grim satisfaction, murmuring as he gathered up his things

'"Ho! ho!" laughed Gabriel Grub, as he sat himself down on a flat tombstone which was a favourite

restingplace of his, and drew forth his wicker bottle. "A coffin at Christmas! A Christmas box! Ho! ho! ho!"

'Gabriel paused, in some alarm, in the act of raising the wicker bottle to his lips, and looked round. The

bottom of the oldest grave about him was not more still and quiet than the churchyard in the pale moonlight.

The cold hoar frost glistened on the tombstones, and sparkled like rows of gems, among the stone carvings of

the old church. The snow lay hard and crisp upon the ground; and spread over the thicklystrewn mounds of

earth, so white and smooth a cover that it seemed as if corpses lay there, hidden only by their winding sheets.

Not the faintest rustle broke the profound tranquillity of the solemn scene. Sound itself appeared to be frozen

'Gabriel started up, and stood rooted to the spot with astonishment and terror; for his eyes rested on a form

'Seated on an upright tombstone, close to him, was a strange, unearthly figure, whom Gabriel felt at once,

was no being of this world. His long, fantastic legs which might have reached the ground, were cocked up,

and crossed after a quaint, fantastic fashion; his sinewy arms were bare; and his hands rested on his knees. On

his short, round body, he wore a close covering, ornamented with small slashes; a short cloak dangled at his

back; the collar was cut into curious peaks, which served the goblin in lieu of ruff or neckerchief; and his

shoes curled up at his toes into long points. On his head, he wore a broadbrimmed sugarloaf hat, garnished

with a single feather. The hat was covered with the white frost; and the goblin looked as if he had sat on the

same tombstone very comfortably, for two or three hundred years. He was sitting perfectly still; his tongue

was put out, as if in derision; and he was grinning at Gabriel Grub with such a grin as only a goblin could call

'"What do you do here on Christmas Eve?" said the goblin sternly. '"I came to dig a grave, Sir," stammered

'"What man wanders among graves and churchyards on such a night as this?" cried the goblin.

'"Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" screamed a wild chorus of voices that seemed to fill the churchyard. Gabriel

'"Hollands, sir," replied the sexton, trembling more than ever; for he had bought it of the smugglers, and he

thought that perhaps his questioner might be in the excise department of the goblins.

'"Who drinks Hollands alone, and in a churchyard, on such a night as this?" said the goblin.

'The goblin leered maliciously at the terrified sexton, and then raising his voice, exclaimed

'To this inquiry the invisible chorus replied, in a strain that sounded like the voices of many choristers singing

to the mighty swell of the old church organa strain that seemed borne to the sexton's ears upon a wild

wind, and to die away as it passed onward; but the burden of the reply was still the same, "Gabriel Grub!

'The goblin grinned a broader grin than before, as he said, "Well, Gabriel, what do you say to this?"

'The sexton gasped for breath. '"What do you think of this, Gabriel?" said the goblin, kicking up his feet in

the air on either side of the tombstone, and looking at the turnedup points with as much complacency as if

he had been contemplating the most fashionable pair of Wellingtons in all Bond Street.

'"It'sit'svery curious, Sir," replied the sexton, half dead with fright; "very curious, and very pretty, but I

'"Oh, the grave, eh?" said the goblin; "who makes graves at a time when all other men are merry, and takes a

'"I am afraid my friends want you, Gabriel," said the goblin, thrusting his tongue farther into his cheek than

everand a most astonishing tongue it was"I'm afraid my friends want you, Gabriel," said the goblin.

'"Under favour, Sir," replied the horrorstricken sexton, "I don't think they can, Sir; they don't know me, Sir;

'"Oh, yes, they have," replied the goblin; "we know the man with the sulky face and grim scowl, that came

down the street tonight, throwing his evil looks at the children, and grasping his buryingspade the tighter.

We know the man who struck the boy in the envious malice of his heart, because the boy could be merry, and

'Here, the goblin gave a loud, shrill laugh, which the echoes returned twentyfold; and throwing his legs up in

the air, stood upon his head, or rather upon the very point of his sugarloaf hat, on the narrow edge of the

tombstone, whence he threw a Somerset with extraordinary agility, right to the sexton's feet, at which he

planted himself in the attitude in which tailors generally sit upon the shopboard.

'"IIam afraid I must leave you, Sir," said the sexton, making an effort to move.

'As the goblin laughed, the sexton observed, for one instant, a brilliant illumination within the windows of the

church, as if the whole building were lighted up; it disappeared, the organ pealed forth a lively air, and whole

troops of goblins, the very counterpart of the first one, poured into the churchyard, and began playing at

leapfrog with the tombstones, never stopping for an instant to take breath, but "overing" the highest among

them, one after the other, with the most marvellous dexterity. The first goblin was a most astonishing leaper,

and none of the others could come near him; even in the extremity of his terror the sexton could not help

observing, that while his friends were content to leap over the commonsized gravestones, the first one took

the family vaults, iron railings and all, with as much ease as if they had been so many streetposts.

'At last the game reached to a most exciting pitch; the organ played quicker and quicker, and the goblins

leaped faster and faster, coiling themselves up, rolling head over heels upon the ground, and bounding over

the tombstones like footballs. The sexton's brain whirled round with the rapidity of the motion he beheld, and

his legs reeled beneath him, as the spirits flew before his eyes; when the goblin king, suddenly darting

towards him, laid his hand upon his collar, and sank with him through the earth.

'When Gabriel Grub had had time to fetch his breath, which the rapidity of his descent had for the moment

taken away, he found himself in what appeared to be a large cavern, surrounded on all sides by crowds of

goblins, ugly and grim; in the centre of the room, on an elevated seat, was stationed his friend of the

churchyard; and close behind him stood Gabriel Grub himself, without power of motion.

'"Cold tonight," said the king of the goblins, "very cold. A glass of something warm here!"

'At this command, half a dozen officious goblins, with a perpetual smile upon their faces, whom Gabriel Grub

imagined to be courtiers, on that account, hastily disappeared, and presently returned with a goblet of liquid

'"Ah!" cried the goblin, whose cheeks and throat were transparent, as he tossed down the flame, "this warms

'It was in vain for the unfortunate sexton to protest that he was not in the habit of taking anything warm at

night; one of the goblins held him while another poured the blazing liquid down his throat; the whole

assembly screeched with laughter, as he coughed and choked, and wiped away the tears which gushed

'"And now," said the king, fantastically poking the taper corner of his sugarloaf hat into the sexton's eye,

and thereby occasioning him the most exquisite pain; "and now, show the man of misery and gloom, a few of

'As the goblin said this, a thick cloud which obscured the remoter end of the cavern rolled gradually away,

and disclosed, apparently at a great distance, a small and scantily furnished, but neat and clean apartment. A

crowd of little children were gathered round a bright fire, clinging to their mother's gown, and gambolling

around her chair. The mother occasionally rose, and drew aside the windowcurtain, as if to look for some

expected object; a frugal meal was ready spread upon the table; and an elbow chair was placed near the fire.

A knock was heard at the door; the mother opened it, and the children crowded round her, and clapped their

hands for joy, as their father entered. He was wet and weary, and shook the snow from his garments, as the

children crowded round him, and seizing his cloak, hat, stick, and gloves, with busy zeal, ran with them from

the room. Then, as he sat down to his meal before the fire, the children climbed about his knee, and the

'But a change came upon the view, almost imperceptibly. The scene was altered to a small bedroom, where

the fairest and youngest child lay dying; the roses had fled from his cheek, and the light from his eye; and

even as the sexton looked upon him with an interest he had never felt or known before, he died. His young

brothers and sisters crowded round his little bed, and seized his tiny hand, so cold and heavy; but they shrank

back from its touch, and looked with awe on his infant face; for calm and tranquil as it was, and sleeping in

rest and peace as the beautiful child seemed to be, they saw that he was dead, and they knew that he was an

'Again the light cloud passed across the picture, and again the subject changed. The father and mother were

old and helpless now, and the number of those about them was diminished more than half; but content and

cheerfulness sat on every face, and beamed in every eye, as they crowded round the fireside, and told and

listened to old stories of earlier and bygone days. Slowly and peacefully, the father sank into the grave, and,

soon after, the sharer of all his cares and troubles followed him to a place of rest. The few who yet survived

them, kneeled by their tomb, and watered the green turf which covered it with their tears; then rose, and

turned away, sadly and mournfully, but not with bitter cries, or despairing lamentations, for they knew that

they should one day meet again; and once more they mixed with the busy world, and their content and

cheerfulness were restored. The cloud settled upon the picture, and concealed it from the sexton's view.

'"What do you think of THAT?" said the goblin, turning his large face towards Gabriel Grub.

'Gabriel murmured out something about its being very pretty, and looked somewhat ashamed, as the goblin

'" You miserable man!" said the goblin, in a tone of excessive contempt. "You!" He appeared disposed to add

more, but indignation choked his utterance, so he lifted up one of his very pliable legs, and, flourishing it

above his head a little, to insure his aim, administered a good sound kick to Gabriel Grub; immediately after

which, all the goblins in waiting crowded round the wretched sexton, and kicked him without mercy,

according to the established and invariable custom of courtiers upon earth, who kick whom royalty kicks, and

'At these words, the cloud was dispelled, and a rich and beautiful landscape was disclosed to viewthere is

just such another, to this day, within half a mile of the old abbey town. The sun shone from out the clear blue

sky, the water sparkled beneath his rays, and the trees looked greener, and the flowers more gay, beneath its

cheering influence. The water rippled on with a pleasant sound, the trees rustled in the light wind that

murmured among their leaves, the birds sang upon the boughs, and the lark carolled on high her welcome to

the morning. Yes, it was morning; the bright, balmy morning of summer; the minutest leaf, the smallest blade

of grass, was instinct with life. The ant crept forth to her daily toil, the butterfly fluttered and basked in the

warm rays of the sun; myriads of insects spread their transparent wings, and revelled in their brief but happy

existence. Man walked forth, elated with the scene; and all was brightness and splendour.

'"YOU a miserable man!" said the king of the goblins, in a more contemptuous tone than before. And again

the king of the goblins gave his leg a flourish; again it descended on the shoulders of the sexton; and again

'Many a time the cloud went and came, and many a lesson it taught to Gabriel Grub, who, although his

shoulders smarted with pain from the frequent applications of the goblins' feet thereunto, looked on with an

interest that nothing could diminish. He saw that men who worked hard, and earned their scanty bread with

lives of labour, were cheerful and happy; and that to the most ignorant, the sweet face of Nature was a

neverfailing source of cheerfulness and joy. He saw those who had been delicately nurtured, and tenderly

brought up, cheerful under privations, and superior to suffering, that would have crushed many of a rougher

grain, because they bore within their own bosoms the materials of happiness, contentment, and peace. He saw

that women, the tenderest and most fragile of all God's creatures, were the oftenest superior to sorrow,

adversity, and distress; and he saw that it was because they bore, in their own hearts, an inexhaustible

wellspring of affection and devotion. Above all, he saw that men like himself, who snarled at the mirth and

cheerfulness of others, were the foulest weeds on the fair surface of the earth; and setting all the good of the

world against the evil, he came to the conclusion that it was a very decent and respectable sort of world after

all. No sooner had he formed it, than the cloud which had closed over the last picture, seemed to settle on his

senses, and lull him to repose. One by one, the goblins faded from his sight; and, as the last one disappeared,

'The day had broken when Gabriel Grub awoke, and found himself lying at full length on the flat gravestone

in the churchyard, with the wicker bottle lying empty by his side, and his coat, spade, and lantern, all well

whitened by the last night's frost, scattered on the ground. The stone on which he had first seen the goblin

seated, stood bolt upright before him, and the grave at which he had worked, the night before, was not far off.

At first, he began to doubt the reality of his adventures, but the acute pain in his shoulders when he attempted

to rise, assured him that the kicking of the goblins was certainly not ideal. He was staggered again, by

observing no traces of footsteps in the snow on which the goblins had played at leapfrog with the

gravestones, but he speedily accounted for this circumstance when he remembered that, being spirits, they

would leave no visible impression behind them. So, Gabriel Grub got on his feet as well as he could, for the

pain in his back; and, brushing the frost off his coat, put it on, and turned his face towards the town.

'But he was an altered man, and he could not bear the thought of returning to a place where his repentance

would be scoffed at, and his reformation disbelieved. He hesitated for a few moments; and then turned away

'The lantern, the spade, and the wicker bottle were found, that day, in the churchyard. There were a great

many speculations about the sexton's fate, at first, but it was speedily determined that he had been carried

away by the goblins; and there were not wanting some very credible witnesses who had distinctly seen him

whisked through the air on the back of a chestnut horse blind of one eye, with the hindquarters of a lion, and

the tail of a bear. At length all this was devoutly believed; and the new sexton used to exhibit to the curious,

for a trifling emolument, a good sized piece of the church weathercock which had been accidentally kicked

off by the aforesaid horse in his aerial flight, and picked up by himself in the churchyard, a year or two

'Unfortunately, these stories were somewhat disturbed by the unlookedfor reappearance of Gabriel Grub

himself, some ten years afterwards, a ragged, contented, rheumatic old man. He told his story to the

clergyman, and also to the mayor; and in course of time it began to be received as a matter of history, in

which form it has continued down to this very day. The believers in the weathercock tale, having misplaced

their confidence once, were not easily prevailed upon to part with it again, so they looked as wise as they

could, shrugged their shoulders, touched their foreheads, and murmured something about Gabriel Grub

having drunk all the Hollands, and then fallen asleep on the flat tombstone; and they affected to explain what

he supposed he had witnessed in the goblin's cavern, by saying that he had seen the world, and grown wiser.

But this opinion, which was by no means a popular one at any time, gradually died off; and be the matter how

it may, as Gabriel Grub was afflicted with rheumatism to the end of his days, this story has at least one moral,

if it teach no better oneand that is, that if a man turn sulky and drink by himself at Christmas time, he may

make up his mind to be not a bit the better for it: let the spirits be never so good, or let them be even as many

'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as that favoured servitor entered his bedchamber, with his warm water, on

'Fine time for them as is well wropped up, as the Polar bear said to himself, ven he was practising his skating,'

'I shall be down in a quarter of an hour, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, untying his nightcap.

'What's a sawbones?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, not quite certain whether it was a live animal, or something to

'What! Don't you know what a sawbones is, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller. 'I thought everybody know'd as a

'Just that, sir,' replied Sam. 'These here ones as is below, though, ain't reg'lar thoroughbred sawbones; they're

only in trainin'.' 'In other words they're medical students, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick.

'I am glad of it,' said Mr. Pickwick, casting his nightcap energetically on the counterpane. 'They are fine

fellowsvery fine fellows; with judgments matured by observation and reflection; and tastes refined by

'Ah!' observed Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands, 'overflowing with kindly feelings and animal spirits. Just

what I like to see.' 'And one on 'em,' said Sam, not noticing his master's interruption, 'one on 'em's got his legs

on the table, and is adrinking brandy neat, vile the t'other onehim in the barnacleshas got a barrel o'

oysters atween his knees, which he's aopenin' like steam, and as fast as he eats 'em, he takes a aim vith the

shells at young dropsy, who's a sittin' down fast asleep, in the chimbley corner.'

Sam did retire accordingly. Mr. Pickwick at the expiration of the quarter of an hour, went down to breakfast.

'Here he is at last!' said old Mr. Wardle. 'Pickwick, this is Miss Allen's brother, Mr. Benjamin Allen. Ben we

call him, and so may you, if you like. This gentleman is his very particular friend, Mr.'

'Mr. Bob Sawyer,'interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen; whereupon Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen

Mr. Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer, and Bob Sawyer bowed to Mr. Pickwick. Bob and his very particular

friend then applied themselves most assiduously to the eatables before them; and Mr. Pickwick had an

Mr. Benjamin Allen was a coarse, stout, thickset young man, with black hair cut rather short, and a white

face cut rather long. He was embellished with spectacles, and wore a white neckerchief. Below his

singlebreasted black surtout, which was buttoned up to his chin, appeared the usual number of pepper

andsalt coloured legs, terminating in a pair of imperfectly polished boots. Although his coat was short in the

sleeves, it disclosed no vestige of a linen wristband; and although there was quite enough of his face to admit

of the encroachment of a shirt collar, it was not graced by the smallest approach to that appendage. He

presented, altogether, rather a mildewy appearance, and emitted a fragrant odour of fullflavoured Cubas.

Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was habited in a coarse, blue coat, which, without being either a greatcoat or a surtout,

partook of the nature and qualities of both, had about him that sort of slovenly smartness, and swaggering

gait, which is peculiar to young gentlemen who smoke in the streets by day, shout and scream in the same by

night, call waiters by their Christian names, and do various other acts and deeds of an equally facetious

description. He wore a pair of plaid trousers, and a large, rough, doublebreasted waistcoat; out of doors, he

carried a thick stick with a big top. He eschewed gloves, and looked, upon the whole, something like a

Such were the two worthies to whom Mr. Pickwick was introduced, as he took his seat at the breakfasttable

Mr. Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the proposition, and asked Mr. Benjamin Allen for the mustard.

'So we should,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'but the brandy was too good to leave in a hurry; wasn't it, Ben?'

'Certainly,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen; 'and the cigars were not bad, or the porkchops either; were they, Bob?'

'Decidedly not,' said Bob. The particular friends resumed their attack upon the breakfast, more freely than

before, as if the recollection of last night's supper had imparted a new relish to the meal.

'Nothing like dissecting, to give one an appetite,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, looking round the table.

'Nearly,' replied Sawyer, helping himself to half a fowl as he spoke. 'It's a very muscular one for a child's.' 'Is

'I've put my name down for an arm at our place,' said Mr. Allen. 'We're clubbing for a subject, and the list is

nearly full, only we can't get hold of any fellow that wants a head. I wish you'd take it.'

'Can't, indeed,' rejoined Bob Sawyer, 'I wouldn't mind a brain, but I couldn't stand a whole head.' 'Hush, hush,

As Mr. Pickwick spoke, the ladies, gallantly escorted by Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, returned

'Why, Ben!' said Arabella, in a tone which expressed more surprise than pleasure at the sight of her brother.

'Don't you see Bob Sawyer, Arabella?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, somewhat reproachfully. Arabella

gracefully held out her hand, in acknowledgment of Bob Sawyer's presence. A thrill of hatred struck to Mr.

Winkle's heart, as Bob Sawyer inflicted on the proffered hand a perceptible squeeze.

'Ben, dear!' said Arabella, blushing; 'havehaveyou been introduced to Mr. Winkle?'

'I have not been, but I shall be very happy to be, Arabella,' replied her brother gravely. Here Mr. Allen bowed

grimly to Mr. Winkle, while Mr. Winkle and Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced mutual distrust out of the corners of

The arrival of the two new visitors, and the consequent check upon Mr. Winkle and the young lady with the

fur round her boots, would in all probability have proved a very unpleasant interruption to the hilarity of the

party, had not the cheerfulness of Mr. Pickwick, and the good humour of the host, been exerted to the very

utmost for the common weal. Mr. Winkle gradually insinuated himself into the good graces of Mr. Benjamin

Allen, and even joined in a friendly conversation with Mr. Bob Sawyer; who, enlivened with the brandy, and

the breakfast, and the talking, gradually ripened into a state of extreme facetiousness, and related with much

glee an agreeable anecdote, about the removal of a tumour on some gentleman's head, which he illustrated by

means of an oysterknife and a halfquartern loaf, to the great edification of the assembled company. Then

the whole train went to church, where Mr. Benjamin Allen fell fast asleep; while Mr. Bob Sawyer abstracted

his thoughts from worldly matters, by the ingenious process of carving his name on the seat of the pew, in

'Now,' said Wardle, after a substantial lunch, with the agreeable items of strong beer and cherrybrandy, had

been done ample justice to, 'what say you to an hour on the ice? We shall have plenty of time.'

'Oh, it is SO graceful,' said another young lady. A third young lady said it was elegant, and a fourth expressed

'I should be very happy, I'm sure,' said Mr. Winkle, reddening; 'but I have no skates.'

This objection was at once overruled. Trundle had a couple of pair, and the fat boy announced that there were

half a dozen more downstairs; whereat Mr. Winkle expressed exquisite delight, and looked exquisitely

Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of ice; and the fat boy and Mr. Weller, having shovelled and

swept away the snow which had fallen on it during the night, Mr. Bob Sawyer adjusted his skates with a

dexterity which to Mr. Winkle was perfectly marvellous, and described circles with his left leg, and cut

figures of eight, and inscribed upon the ice, without once stopping for breath, a great many other pleasant and

astonishing devices, to the excessive satisfaction of Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, and the ladies; which

reached a pitch of positive enthusiasm, when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen, assisted by the aforesaid Bob

All this time, Mr. Winkle, with his face and hands blue with the cold, had been forcing a gimlet into the sole

of his feet, and putting his skates on, with the points behind, and getting the straps into a very complicated

and entangled state, with the assistance of Mr. Snodgrass, who knew rather less about skates than a Hindoo.

At length, however, with the assistance of Mr. Weller, the unfortunate skates were firmly screwed and

'Now, then, Sir,' said Sam, in an encouraging tone; 'off vith you, and show 'em how to do it.'

'Stop, Sam, stop!' said Mr. Winkle, trembling violently, and clutching hold of Sam's arms with the grasp of a

This last observation of Mr. Weller's bore reference to a demonstration Mr. Winkle made at the instant, of a

frantic desire to throw his feet in the air, and dash the back of his head on the ice.

'Thesetheseare very awkward skates; ain't they, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle, staggering.

'Now, Winkle,' cried Mr. Pickwick, quite unconscious that there was anything the matter. 'Come; the ladies

'Just agoin' to begin,' said Sam, endeavouring to disengage himself. 'Now, Sir, start off!'

'Stop an instant, Sam,' gasped Mr. Winkle, clinging most affectionately to Mr. Weller. 'I find I've got a couple

'Never mind touching your hat, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle hastily. 'You needn't take your hand away to do that. I

meant to have given you five shillings this morning for a Christmas box, Sam. I'll give it you this afternoon,

'Just hold me at first, Sam; will you?' said Mr. Winkle. 'Therethat's right. I shall soon get in the way of it,

Mr. Winkle, stooping forward, with his body half doubled up, was being assisted over the ice by Mr. Weller,

in a very singular and unswanlike manner, when Mr. Pickwick most innocently shouted from the opposite

With a violent effort, Mr. Weller disengaged himself from the grasp of the agonised Pickwickian, and, in so

doing, administered a considerable impetus to the unhappy Mr. Winkle. With an accuracy which no degree of

dexterity or practice could have insured, that unfortunate gentleman bore swiftly down into the centre of the

reel, at the very moment when Mr. Bob Sawyer was performing a flourish of unparalleled beauty. Mr. Winkle

struck wildly against him, and with a loud crash they both fell heavily down. Mr. Pickwick ran to the spot.

Bob Sawyer had risen to his feet, but Mr. Winkle was far too wise to do anything of the kind, in skates. He

was seated on the ice, making spasmodic efforts to smile; but anguish was depicted on every lineament of his

'Not much,' said Mr. Winkle, rubbing his back very hard. 'I wish you'd let me bleed you,' said Mr. Benjamin,

Mr. Pickwick was excited and indignant. He beckoned to Mr. Weller, and said in a stern voice, 'Take his

The command was not to be resisted. Mr. Winkle allowed Sam to obey it, in silence.

Mr. Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the bystanders; and, beckoning his friend to approach, fixed a

searching look upon him, and uttered in a low, but distinct and emphatic tone, these remarkable words

With those words, Mr. Pickwick turned slowly on his heel, and rejoined his friends.

While Mr. Pickwick was delivering himself of the sentiment just recorded, Mr. Weller and the fat boy, having

by their joint endeavours cut out a slide, were exercising themselves thereupon, in a very masterly and

brilliant manner. Sam Weller, in particular, was displaying that beautiful feat of fancysliding which is

currently denominated 'knocking at the cobbler's door,' and which is achieved by skimming over the ice on

one foot, and occasionally giving a postman's knock upon it with the other. It was a good long slide, and there

was something in the motion which Mr. Pickwick, who was very cold with standing still, could not help

'It looks a nice warm exercise that, doesn't it?' he inquired of Wardle, when that gentleman was thoroughly

out of breath, by reason of the indefatigable manner in which he had converted his legs into a pair of

'I should be very happy to afford you any amusement,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'but I haven't done such a thing

'Pooh! pooh! Nonsense!' said Wardle, dragging off his skates with the impetuosity which characterised all his

proceedings. 'Here; I'll keep you company; come along!' And away went the goodtempered old fellow down

the slide, with a rapidity which came very close upon Mr. Weller, and beat the fat boy all to nothing.

Mr. Pickwick paused, considered, pulled off his gloves and put them in his hat; took two or three short runs,

baulked himself as often, and at last took another run, and went slowly and gravely down the slide, with his

feet about a yard and a quarter apart, amidst the gratified shouts of all the spectators.

'Keep the pot abilin', Sir!' said Sam; and down went Wardle again, and then Mr. Pickwick, and then Sam,

and then Mr. Winkle, and then Mr. Bob Sawyer, and then the fat boy, and then Mr. Snodgrass, following

closely upon each other's heels, and running after each other with as much eagerness as if their future

It was the most intensely interesting thing, to observe the manner in which Mr. Pickwick performed his share

in the ceremony; to watch the torture of anxiety with which he viewed the person behind, gaining upon him at

the imminent hazard of tripping him up; to see him gradually expend the painful force he had put on at first,

and turn slowly round on the slide, with his face towards the point from which he had started; to contemplate

the playful smile which mantled on his face when he had accomplished the distance, and the eagerness with

which he turned round when he had done so, and ran after his predecessor, his black gaiters tripping

pleasantly through the snow, and his eyes beaming cheerfulness and gladness through his spectacles. And

when he was knocked down (which happened upon the average every third round), it was the most

invigorating sight that can possibly be imagined, to behold him gather up his hat, gloves, and handkerchief,

with a glowing countenance, and resume his station in the rank, with an ardour and enthusiasm that nothing

The sport was at its height, the sliding was at the quickest, the laughter was at the loudest, when a sharp smart

crack was heard. There was a quick rush towards the bank, a wild scream from the ladies, and a shout from

Mr. Tupman. A large mass of ice disappeared; the water bubbled up over it; Mr. Pickwick's hat, gloves, and

handkerchief were floating on the surface; and this was all of Mr. Pickwick that anybody could see.

Dismay and anguish were depicted on every countenance; the males turned pale, and the females fainted; Mr.

Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle grasped each other by the hand, and gazed at the spot where their leader had gone

down, with frenzied eagerness; while Mr. Tupman, by way of rendering the promptest assistance, and at the

same time conveying to any persons who might be within hearing, the clearest possible notion of the

catastrophe, ran off across the country at his utmost speed, screaming 'Fire!' with all his might.

It was at this moment, when old Wardle and Sam Weller were approaching the hole with cautious steps, and

Mr. Benjamin Allen was holding a hurried consultation with Mr. Bob Sawyer on the advisability of bleeding

the company generally, as an improving little bit of professional practiceit was at this very moment, that a

face, head, and shoulders, emerged from beneath the water, and disclosed the features and spectacles of Mr.

'Yes, do; let me implore youfor my sake!' roared Mr. Winkle, deeply affected. The adjuration was rather

unnecessary; the probability being, that if Mr. Pickwick had declined to keep himself up for anybody else's

'Yes, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, wringing the water from his head and face, and gasping for breath. 'I

The clay upon so much of Mr. Pickwick's coat as was yet visible, bore testimony to the accuracy of this

statement; and as the fears of the spectators were still further relieved by the fat boy's suddenly recollecting

that the water was nowhere more than five feet deep, prodigies of valour were performed to get him out.

After a vast quantity of splashing, and cracking, and struggling, Mr. Pickwick was at length fairly extricated

'Dear old thing!' said Arabella. 'Let me wrap this shawl round you, Mr. Pickwick.'

'Ah, that's the best thing you can do,' said Wardle; 'and when you've got it on, run home as fast as your legs

can carry you, and jump into bed directly.' A dozen shawls were offered on the instant. Three or four of the

thickest having been selected, Mr. Pickwick was wrapped up, and started off, under the guidance of Mr.

Weller; presenting the singular phenomenon of an elderly gentleman, dripping wet, and without a hat, with

his arms bound down to his sides, skimming over the ground, without any clearlydefined purpose, at the rate

But Mr. Pickwick cared not for appearances in such an extreme case, and urged on by Sam Weller, he kept at

the very top of his speed until he reached the door of Manor Farm, where Mr. Tupman had arrived some five

minutes before, and had frightened the old lady into palpitations of the heart by impressing her with the

unalterable conviction that the kitchen chimney was on firea calamity which always presented itself in

glowing colours to the old lady's mind, when anybody about her evinced the smallest agitation.

Mr. Pickwick paused not an instant until he was snug in bed. Sam Weller lighted a blazing fire in the room,

and took up his dinner; a bowl of punch was carried up afterwards, and a grand carouse held in honour of his

safety. Old Wardle would not hear of his rising, so they made the bed the chair, and Mr. Pickwick presided. A

second and a third bowl were ordered in; and when Mr. Pickwick awoke next morning, there was not a

symptom of rheumatism about him; which proves, as Mr. Bob Sawyer very justly observed, that there is

nothing like hot punch in such cases; and that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a preventive, it was merely

The jovial party broke up next morning. Breakingsup are capital things in our schooldays, but in after life

they are painful enough. Death, selfinterest, and fortune's changes, are every day breaking up many a happy

group, and scattering them far and wide; and the boys and girls never come back again. We do not mean to

say that it was exactly the case in this particular instance; all we wish to inform the reader is, that the different

members of the party dispersed to their several homes; that Mr. Pickwick and his friends once more took their

seats on the top of the Muggleton coach; and that Arabella Allen repaired to her place of destination,

wherever it might have beenwe dare say Mr. Winkle knew, but we confess we don'tunder the care and

guardianship of her brother Benjamin, and his most intimate and particular friend, Mr. Bob Sawyer.

Before they separated, however, that gentleman and Mr. Benjamin Allen drew Mr. Pickwick aside with an air

of some mystery; and Mr. Bob Sawyer, thrusting his forefinger between two of Mr. Pickwick's ribs, and

thereby displaying his native drollery, and his knowledge of the anatomy of the human frame, at one and the

'I say, old boy, where do you hang out?' Mr. Pickwick replied that he was at present suspended at the George

'There's my lodgings,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, producing a card. 'Lant Street, Borough; it's near Guy's, and

handy for me, you know. Little distance after you've passed St. George's Church turns out of the High

'Come on Thursday fortnight, and bring the other chaps with you,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer; 'I'm going to have a

Mr. Pickwick expressed the pleasure it would afford him to meet the medical fellows; and after Mr. Bob

Sawyer had informed him that he meant to be very cosy, and that his friend Ben was to be one of the party,

We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the inquiry whether Mr. Winkle was whispering, during this

brief conversation, to Arabella Allen; and if so, what he said; and furthermore, whether Mr. Snodgrass was

conversing apart with Emily Wardle; and if so, what HE said. To this, we reply, that whatever they might

have said to the ladies, they said nothing at all to Mr. Pickwick or Mr. Tupman for eightandtwenty miles,

and that they sighed very often, refused ale and brandy, and looked gloomy. If our observant lady readers can

deduce any satisfactory inferences from these facts, we beg them by all means to do so.

Scattered about, in various holes and corners of the Temple, are certain dark and dirty chambers, in and out of

which, all the morning in vacation, and half the evening too in term time, there may be seen constantly

hurrying with bundles of papers under their arms, and protruding from their pockets, an almost uninterrupted

succession of lawyers' clerks. There are several grades of lawyers' clerks. There is the articled clerk, who has

paid a premium, and is an attorney in perspective, who runs a tailor's bill, receives invitations to parties,

knows a family in Gower Street, and another in Tavistock Square; who goes out of town every long vacation

to see his father, who keeps live horses innumerable; and who is, in short, the very aristocrat of clerks. There

is the salaried clerkout of door, or in door, as the case may bewho devotes the major part of his thirty

shillings a week to his Personal pleasure and adornments, repairs halfprice to the Adelphi Theatre at least

three times a week, dissipates majestically at the cider cellars afterwards, and is a dirty caricature of the

fashion which expired six months ago. There is the middle aged copying clerk, with a large family, who is

always shabby, and often drunk. And there are the office lads in their first surtouts, who feel a befitting

contempt for boys at dayschools, club as they go home at night, for saveloys and porter, and think there's

nothing like 'life.' There are varieties of the genus, too numerous to recapitulate, but however numerous they

may be, they are all to be seen, at certain regulated business hours, hurrying to and from the places we have

These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal profession, where writs are issued, judgments

signed, declarations filed, and numerous other ingenious machines put in motion for the torture and torment

of His Majesty's liege subjects, and the comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the law. They are, for

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the most part, lowroofed, mouldy rooms, where innumerable rolls of parchment, which have been perspiring

in secret for the last century, send forth an agreeable odour, which is mingled by day with the scent of the

dryrot, and by night with the various exhalations which arise from damp cloaks, festering umbrellas, and the

About halfpast seven o'clock in the evening, some ten days or a fortnight after Mr. Pickwick and his friends

returned to London, there hurried into one of these offices, an individual in a brown coat and brass buttons,

whose long hair was scrupulously twisted round the rim of his napless hat, and whose soiled drab trousers

were so tightly strapped over his Blucher boots, that his knees threatened every moment to start from their

concealment. He produced from his coat pockets a long and narrow strip of parchment, on which the

presiding functionary impressed an illegible black stamp. He then drew forth four scraps of paper, of similar

dimensions, each containing a printed copy of the strip of parchment with blanks for a name; and having

filled up the blanks, put all the five documents in his pocket, and hurried away.

The man in the brown coat, with the cabalistic documents in his pocket, was no other than our old

acquaintance Mr. Jackson, of the house of Dodson Fogg, Freeman's Court, Cornhill. Instead of returning to

the office whence he came, however, he bent his steps direct to Sun Court, and walking straight into the

'Don't trouble yourself,' said Mr. Jackson. 'I've come on business. If you'll show me Mr. Pickwick's room I'll

The waiter stepped upstairs to announce Mr. Jackson; but Mr. Jackson saved him the trouble by following

close at his heels, and walking into the apartment before he could articulate a syllable.

Mr. Pickwick had, that day, invited his three friends to dinner; they were all seated round the fire, drinking

That gentleman bowed, and looked somewhat surprised, for the physiognomy of Mr. Jackson dwelt not in his

'I have called from Dodson and Fogg's,' said Mr. Jackson, in an explanatory tone.

Mr. Pickwick roused at the name. 'I refer you to my attorney, Sir; Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn,' said he. 'Waiter,

'Beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick,' said Jackson, deliberately depositing his hat on the floor, and drawing from

his pocket the strip of parchment. 'But personal service, by clerk or agent, in these cases, you know, Mr.

Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on the parchment; and, resting his hands on the table, and looking round with a

winning and persuasive smile, said, 'Now, come; don't let's have no words about such a little matter as this.

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At this inquiry, Mr. Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised and palpable start, that no further reply was

'Ah! I thought so,' said Mr. Jackson, more affably than before. 'I've a little something to trouble you with, Sir.'

'It's only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the plaintiff,' replied Jackson, singling out one of

the slips of paper, and producing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket. 'It'll come on, in the settens after Term:

fourteenth of Febooary, we expect; we've marked it a special jury cause, and it's only ten down the paper.

That's yours, Mr. Snodgrass.' As Jackson said this, he presented the parchment before the eyes of Mr.

Mr. Tupman had witnessed this process in silent astonishment, when Jackson, turning sharply upon him,

Mr. Tupman looked at Mr. Pickwick; but, perceiving no encouragement in that gentleman's widelyopened

'And that other gentleman's Mr. Winkle, I think?' said Jackson. Mr. Winkle faltered out a reply in the

affirmative; and both gentlemen were forthwith invested with a slip of paper, and a shilling each, by the

'Now,' said Jackson, 'I'm afraid you'll think me rather troublesome, but I want somebody else, if it ain't

'Send my servant here, waiter,' said Mr. Pickwick. The waiter retired, considerably astonished, and Mr.

There was a painful pause, which was at length broken by the innocent defendant. 'I suppose, Sir,' said Mr.

Pickwick, his indignation rising while he spoke'I suppose, Sir, that it is the intention of your employers to

Mr. Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left side of his nose, to intimate that he was not

'For what other reason, Sir,' pursued Mr. Pickwick, 'are these subpoenas served upon them, if not for this?'

'Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick,' replied Jackson, slowly shaking his head. 'But it won't do. No harm in

Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more upon the company, and, applying his left thumb to the tip of his nose,

worked a visionary coffeemill with his right hand, thereby performing a very graceful piece of pantomime

(then much in vogue, but now, unhappily, almost obsolete) which was familiarly denominated 'taking a

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'No, no, Mr. Pickwick,' said Jackson, in conclusion; 'Perker's people must guess what we've served these

subpoenas for. If they can't, they must wait till the action comes on, and then they'll find out.' Mr. Pickwick

bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his unwelcome visitor, and would probably have hurled some

tremendous anathema at the heads of Messrs. Dodson Fogg, had not Sam's entrance at the instant interrupted

'Vun o' the truest things as you've said for many a long year,' replied Sam, in a most composed manner.

'Oh, that's the 'rig'nal, is it?' said Sam. 'Well, I'm wery glad I've seen the 'rig'nal, 'cos it's a gratifyin' sort o'

'And it's uncommon handsome o' Dodson and Fogg, as knows so little of me, to come down vith a present,'

said Sam. 'I feel it as a wery high compliment, sir; it's a wery honorable thing to them, as they knows how to

reward merit werever they meets it. Besides which, it's affectin' to one's feelin's.'

As Mr. Weller said this, he inflicted a little friction on his right eyelid, with the sleeve of his coat, after the

Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sam's proceedings; but, as he had served the subpoenas, and had

nothing more to say, he made a feint of putting on the one glove which he usually carried in his hand, for the

Mr. Pickwick slept little that night; his memory had received a very disagreeable refresher on the subject of

Mrs. Bardell's action. He breakfasted betimes next morning, and, desiring Sam to accompany him, set forth

Mr. Pickwick did not turn round immediately, but looked vacantly in Sam's face for a few seconds, and

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'This action, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is expected to come on, on the fourteenth of next month.' 'Remarkable

'Walentine's day, sir,' responded Sam; 'reg'lar good day for a breach o' promise trial.'

Mr. Weller's smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his master's countenance. Mr. Pickwick turned abruptly

They had walked some distance, Mr. Pickwick trotting on before, plunged in profound meditation, and Sam

following behind, with a countenance expressive of the most enviable and easy defiance of everything and

everybody, when the latter, who was always especially anxious to impart to his master any exclusive

information he possessed, quickened his pace until he was close at Mr. Pickwick's heels; and, pointing up at a

'Is it!' reiterated Sam, with some indignation; 'I should rayther think it was. Why, sir, bless your innocent

eyebrows, that's where the mysterious disappearance of a 'spectable tradesman took place four years ago.'

'You don't mean to say he was burked, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking hastily round.

'No, I don't indeed, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I wish I did; far worse than that. He was the master o' that 'ere

shop, sir, and the inwentor o' the patentneverleavin'off sassage steamingin, as 'ud swaller up a pavin'

stone if you put it too near, and grind it into sassages as easy as if it was a tender young babby. Wery proud o'

that machine he was, as it was nat'ral he should be, and he'd stand down in the celler alookin' at it wen it was

in full play, till he got quite melancholy with joy. A wery happy man he'd ha' been, Sir, in the procession o'

that 'ere ingin and two more lovely hinfants besides, if it hadn't been for his wife, who was a most owdacious

wixin. She was always afollerin' him about, and dinnin' in his ears, till at last he couldn't stand it no longer.

"I'll tell you what it is, my dear," he says one day; "if you persewere in this here sort of amusement," he says,

"I'm blessed if I don't go away to 'Merriker; and that's all about it." "You're a idle willin," says she, "and I

wish the 'Merrikins joy of their bargain." Arter which she keeps on abusin' of him for half an hour, and then

runs into the little parlour behind the shop, sets to ascreamin', says he'll be the death on her, and falls in a fit,

which lasts for three good hoursone o' them fits wich is all screamin' and kickin'. Well, next mornin', the

husband was missin'. He hadn't taken nothin' from the tillhadn't even put on his greatcoatso it was quite

clear he warn't gone to 'Merriker. Didn't come back next day; didn't come back next week; missis had bills

printed, sayin' that, if he'd come back, he should be forgiven everythin' (which was very liberal, seein' that he

hadn't done nothin' at all); the canals was dragged, and for two months arterwards, wenever a body turned up,

it was carried, as a reg'lar thing, straight off to the sassage shop. Hows'ever, none on 'em answered; so they

gave out that he'd run away, and she kep' on the bis'ness. One Saturday night, a little, thin, old gen'l'm'n

comes into the shop in a great passion and says, "Are you the missis o' this here shop?" "Yes, I am," says she.

"Well, ma'am," says he, "then I've just looked in to say that me and my family ain't agoin' to be choked for

nothin'; and more than that, ma'am," he says, "you'll allow me to observe that as you don't use the primest

parts of the meat in the manafacter o' sassages, I'd think you'd find beef come nearly as cheap as buttons."

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"As buttons, Sir!" says she. "Buttons, ma'am," says the little, old gentleman, unfolding a bit of paper, and

showin' twenty or thirty halves o' buttons. "Nice seasonin' for sassages, is trousers' buttons, ma'am." "They're

my husband's buttons!" says the widder beginnin' to faint, "What!" screams the little old gen'l'm'n, turnin'

wery pale. "I see it all," says the widder; "in a fit of temporary insanity he rashly converted hisself into

sassages!" And so he had, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, looking steadily into Mr. Pickwick's horrorstricken

countenance, 'or else he'd been draw'd into the ingin; but however that might ha' been, the little, old gen'l'm'n,

who had been remarkably partial to sassages all his life, rushed out o' the shop in a wild state, and was never

The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master and man to Mr. Perker's chambers.

Lowten, holding the door half open, was in conversation with a rustilyclad, miserable looking man, in

boots without toes and gloves without fingers. There were traces of privation and sufferingalmost of

despair in his lank and careworn countenance; he felt his poverty, for he shrank to the dark side of the

'Very,' said Lowten, scribbling his name on the doorpost with his pen, and rubbing it out again with the

'Quite uncertain,' replied Lowten, winking at Mr. Pickwick, as the stranger cast his eyes towards the ground.

'You don't think it would be of any use my waiting for him?' said the stranger, looking wistfully into the

'Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't,' replied the clerk, moving a little more into the centre of the doorway. 'He's

certain not to be back this week, and it's a chance whether he will be next; for when Perker once gets out of

'Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick,' said Lowten, 'I've got a letter for you.' The stranger, seeming to hesitate, once

more looked towards the ground, and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. PickwiCK, as if to intimate that some

exquisite piece of humour was going forward, though what it was Mr. Pickwick could not for the life of him

divine. 'Step in, Mr. Pickwick,' said Lowten. 'Well, will you leave a message, Mr. Watty, or will you call

'Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done in my business,' said the man; 'for God's sake

'No, no; I won't forget it,' replied the clerk. 'Walk in, Mr. Pickwick. Goodmorning, Mr. Watty; it's a fine day

for walking, isn't it?' Seeing that the stranger still lingered, he beckoned Sam Weller to follow his master in,

'There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the world began, I do believe!' said Lowten,

throwing down his pen with the air of an injured man. 'His affairs haven't been in Chancery quite four years

yet, and I'm dd if he don't come worrying here twice a week. Step this way, Mr. Pickwick. Perker IS in,

and he'll see you, I know. Devilish cold,' he added pettishly, 'standing at that door, wasting one's time with

such seedy vagabonds!' Having very vehemently stirred a particularly large fire with a particularly small

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poker, the clerk led the way to his principal's private room, and announced Mr. Pickwick.

'Ah, my dear Sir,' said little Mr. Perker, bustling up from his chair. 'Well, my dear sir, and what's the news

about your matter, eh? Anything more about our friends in Freeman's Court? They've not been sleeping, I

As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic pinch of snuff, as a tribute to the smartness of Messrs.

'Aye, aye,' said the little man; 'that's a matter of opinion, you know, and we won't dispute about terms;

because of course you can't be expected to view these subjects with a professional eye. Well, we've done

'Good man!' replied Perker; 'bless your heart and soul, my dear Sir, Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his

profession. Gets treble the business of any man in courtengaged in every case. You needn't mention it

abroad; but we saywe of the professionthat Serjeant Snubbin leads the court by the nose.'

The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this communication, and nodded mysteriously to Mr.

'Ah! of course they would,' replied Perker. 'Important witnesses; saw you in a delicate situation.'

'But she fainted of her own accord,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'She threw herself into my arms.'

'Very likely, my dear Sir,' replied Perker; 'very likely and very natural. Nothing more so, my dear Sir,

'They have subpoenaed my servant, too,' said Mr. Pickwick, quitting the other point; for there Mr. Perker's

'Of course, my dear Sir; of course. I knew they would. I could have told you that, a month ago. You know,

my dear Sir, if you WILL take the management of your affairs into your own hands after entrusting them to

your solicitor, you must also take the consequences.' Here Mr. Perker drew himself up with conscious

'And what do they want him to prove?' asked Mr. Pickwick, after two or three minutes' silence.

'That you sent him up to the plaintiff 's to make some offer of a compromise, I suppose,' replied Perker. 'It

don't matter much, though; I don't think many counsel could get a great deal out of HIM.'

'I don't think they could,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling, despite his vexation, at the idea of Sam's appearance as

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'We have only one to adopt, my dear Sir,' replied Perker; 'crossexamine the witnesses; trust to Snubbin's

Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, stirred the fire, shrugged his shoulders, and remained

'You mean that in that case I must pay the damages?' said Mr. Pickwick, who had watched this telegraphic

'Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination to pay no damages whatever,' said Mr.

Pickwick, most emphatically. 'None, Perker. Not a pound, not a penny of my money, shall find its way into

the pockets of Dodson and Fogg. That is my deliberate and irrevocable determination.' Mr. Pickwick gave a

heavy blow on the table before him, in confirmation of the irrevocability of his intention.

'Of course,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Where does Serjeant Snubbin live?' 'In Lincoln's Inn Old Square,'

'See Serjeant Snubbin, my dear Sir!' rejoined Perker, in utter amazement. 'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,

impossible. See Serjeant Snubbin! Bless you, my dear Sir, such a thing was never heard of, without a

consultation fee being previously paid, and a consultation fixed. It couldn't be done, my dear Sir; it couldn't

Mr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind not only that it could be done, but that it should be done; and

the consequence was, that within ten minutes after he had received the assurance that the thing was

impossible, he was conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of the great Serjeant Snubbin himself.

It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, with a large writingtable drawn up near the fire, the

baize top of which had long since lost all claim to its original hue of green, and had gradually grown gray

with dust and age, except where all traces of its natural colour were obliterated by inkstains. Upon the table

were numerous little bundles of papers tied with red tape; and behind it, sat an elderly clerk, whose sleek

appearance and heavy gold watchchain presented imposing indications of the extensive and lucrative

'Is the Serjeant in his room, Mr. Mallard?' inquired Perker, offering his box with all imaginable courtesy.

'Yes, he is,' was the reply, 'but he's very busy. Look here; not an opinion given yet, on any one of these cases;

and an expedition fee paid with all of 'em.' The clerk smiled as he said this, and inhaled the pinch of snuff

with a zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness for snuff and a relish for fees.

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'Yes,' said the barrister's clerk, producing his own box, and offering it with the greatest cordiality; 'and the

best of it is, that as nobody alive except myself can read the serjeant's writing, they are obliged to wait for the

'Which makes good for we know who, besides the serjeant, and draws a little more out of the clients, eh?' said

Perker; 'ha, ha, ha!' At this the serjeant's clerk laughed againnot a noisy boisterous laugh, but a silent,

internal chuckle, which Mr. Pickwick disliked to hear. When a man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing

'You haven't made me out that little list of the fees that I'm in your debt, have you?' said Perker.

'I wish you would,' said Perker. 'Let me have them, and I'll send you a cheque. But I suppose you're too busy

pocketing the ready money, to think of the debtors, eh? ha, ha, ha!' This sally seemed to tickle the clerk

'But, Mr. Mallard, my dear friend,' said Perker, suddenly recovering his gravity, and drawing the great man's

great man into a Corner, by the lappel of his coat; 'you must persuade the Serjeant to see me, and my client

'Come, come,' said the clerk, 'that's not bad either. See the Serjeant! come, that's too absurd.' Notwithstanding

the absurdity of the proposal, however, the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing of

Mr. Pickwick; and after a short conversation conducted in whispers, walked softly down a little dark passage,

and disappeared into the legal luminary's sanctum, whence he shortly returned on tiptoe, and informed Mr.

Perker and Mr. Pickwick that the Serjeant had been prevailed upon, in violation of all established rules and

Mr. Serjeant Snubbins was a lanternfaced, sallowcomplexioned man, of about fiveandforty, oras the

novels say he might be fifty. He had that dulllooking, boiled eye which is often to be seen in the heads of

people who have applied themselves during many years to a weary and laborious course of study; and which

would have been sufficient, without the additional eyeglass which dangled from a broad black riband round

his neck, to warn a stranger that he was very nearsighted. His hair was thin and weak, which was partly

attributable to his having never devoted much time to its arrangement, and partly to his having worn for

fiveandtwenty years the forensic wig which hung on a block beside him. The marks of hairpowder on his

coatcollar, and the illwashed and worse tied white neckerchief round his throat, showed that he had not

found leisure since he left the court to make any alteration in his dress; while the slovenly style of the

remainder of his costume warranted the inference that his personal appearance would not have been very

much improved if he had. Books of practice, heaps of papers, and opened letters, were scattered over the

table, without any attempt at order or arrangement; the furniture of the room was old and rickety; the doors of

the bookcase were rotting in their hinges; the dust flew out from the carpet in little clouds at every step; the

blinds were yellow with age and dirt; the state of everything in the room showed, with a clearness not to be

mistaken, that Mr. Serjeant Snubbin was far too much occupied with his professional pursuits to take any

The Serjeant was writing when his clients entered; he bowed abstractedly when Mr. Pickwick was introduced

by his solicitor; and then, motioning them to a seat, put his pen carefully in the inkstand, nursed his left leg,

'Mr. Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick, Serjeant Snubbin,' said Perker.

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'Mr. Pickwick was anxious to call upon you, Serjeant Snubbin,' said Perker, 'to state to you, before you

entered upon the case, that he denies there being any ground or pretence whatever for the action against him;

and that unless he came into court with clean hands, and without the most conscientious conviction that he

was right in resisting the plaintiff's demand, he would not be there at all. I believe I state your views

correctly; do I not, my dear Sir?' said the little man, turning to Mr. Pickwick.

Mr. Serjeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses, raised them to his eyes; and, after looking at Mr. Pickwick for a

few seconds with great curiosity, turned to Mr. Perker, and said, smiling slightly as he spoke 'Has Mr.

The smile on the Serjeant's countenance became more defined; he rocked his leg with increased violence;

These tokens of the Serjeant's presentiments on the subject, slight as they were, were not lost on Mr.

Pickwick. He settled the spectacles, through which he had attentively regarded such demonstrations of the

barrister's feelings as he had permitted himself to exhibit, more firmly on his nose; and said with great

energy, and in utter disregard of all Mr. Perker's admonitory winkings and frownings

'My wishing to wait upon you, for such a purpose as this, Sir, appears, I have no doubt, to a gentleman who

sees so much of these matters as you must necessarily do, a very extraordinary circumstance.'

'Gentlemen of your profession, Sir,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'see the worst side of human nature. All its

disputes, all its illwill and bad blood, rise up before you. You know from your experience of juries (I mean

no disparagement to you, or them) how much depends upon effect; and you are apt to attribute to others, a

desire to use, for purposes of deception and Selfinterest, the very instruments which you, in pure honesty

and honour of purpose, and with a laudable desire to do your utmost for your client, know the temper and

worth of so well, from constantly employing them yourselves. I really believe that to this circumstance may

be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of your being, as a body, suspicious, distrustful, and

overcautious. Conscious as I am, sir, of the disadvantage of making such a declaration to you, under such

circumstances, I have come here, because I wish you distinctly to understand, as my friend Mr. Perker has

said, that I am innocent of the falsehood laid to my charge; and although I am very well aware of the

inestimable value of your assistance, Sir, I must beg to add, that unless you sincerely believe this, I would

Long before the close of this address, which we are bound to say was of a very prosy character for Mr.

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Pickwick, the Serjeant had relapsed into a state of abstraction. After some minutes, however, during which he

had reassumed his pen, he appeared to be again aware of the presence of his clients; raising his head from the

'PhunkyPhunky,' said the Serjeant, 'I never heard the name before. He must be a very young man.'

'Yes, he is a very young man,' replied the attorney. 'He was only called the other day. Let me seehe has not

'Ah, I thought not,' said the Serjeant, in that sort of pitying tone in which ordinary folks would speak of a very

helpless little child. 'Mr. Mallard, send round to Mr.Mr.' 'Phunky's Holborn Court, Gray's Inn,'

interposed Perker. (Holborn Court, by the bye, is South Square now.) 'Mr. Phunky, and say I should be glad if

Mr. Mallard departed to execute his commission; and Serjeant Snubbin relapsed into abstraction until Mr.

Although an infant barrister, he was a fullgrown man. He had a very nervous manner, and a painful

hesitation in his speech; it did not appear to be a natural defect, but seemed rather the result of timidity,

arising from the consciousness of being 'kept down' by want of means, or interest, or connection, or

impudence, as the case might be. He was overawed by the Serjeant, and profoundly courteous to the attorney.

'I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before, Mr. Phunky,' said Serjeant Snubbin, with haughty

Mr. Phunky bowed. He HAD had the pleasure of seeing the Serjeant, and of envying him too, with all a poor

If Mr. Phunky had been a rich man, he would have instantly sent for his clerk to remind him; if he had been a

wise one, he would have applied his forefinger to his forehead, and endeavoured to recollect, whether, in the

multiplicity of his engagements, he had undertaken this one or not; but as he was neither rich nor wise (in this

Here again, Mr. Phunky should have professed to have forgotten all about the merits of the case; but as he

had read such papers as had been laid before him in the course of the action, and had thought of nothing else,

waking or sleeping, throughout the two months during which he had been retained as Mr. Serjeant Snubbin's

'This is Mr. Pickwick,' said the Serjeant, waving his pen in the direction in which that gentleman was

Mr. Phunky bowed to Mr. Pickwick, with a reverence which a first client must ever awaken; and again

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'Perhaps you will take Mr. Pickwick away,' said the Serjeant, 'andandandhear anything Mr. Pickwick

may wish to communicate. We shall have a consultation, of course.' With that hint that he had been

interrupted quite long enough, Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, who had been gradually growing more and more

abstracted, applied his glass to his eyes for an instant, bowed slightly round, and was once more deeply

immersed in the case before him, which arose out of an interminable lawsuit, originating in the act of an

individual, deceased a century or so ago, who had stopped up a pathway leading from some place which

Mr. Phunky would not hear of passing through any door until Mr. Pickwick and his solicitor had passed

through before him, so it was some time before they got into the Square; and when they did reach it, they

walked up and down, and held a long conference, the result of which was, that it was a very difficult matter to

say how the verdict would go; that nobody could presume to calculate on the issue of an action; that it was

very lucky they had prevented the other party from getting Serjeant Snubbin; and other topics of doubt and

Mr. Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of an hour's duration; and, bidding adieu to

There is a repose about Lant Street, in the Borough, which sheds a gentle melancholy upon the soul. There

are always a good many houses to let in the street: it is a bystreet too, and its dulness is soothing. A house in

Lant Street would not come within the denomination of a firstrate residence, in the strict acceptation of the

term; but it is a most desirable spot nevertheless. If a man wished to abstract himself from the worldto

remove himself from within the reach of temptation to place himself beyond the possibility of any

inducement to look out of the windowwe should recommend him by all means go to Lant Street.

In this happy retreat are colonised a few clearstarchers, a sprinkling of journeymen bookbinders, one or two

prison agents for the Insolvent Court, several small housekeepers who are employed in the Docks, a handful

of mantuamakers, and a seasoning of jobbing tailors. The majority of the inhabitants either direct their

energies to the letting of furnished apartments, or devote themselves to the healthful and invigorating pursuit

of mangling. The chief features in the still life of the street are green shutters, lodgingbills, brass

doorplates, and bellhandles; the principal specimens of animated nature, the potboy, the muffin youth,

and the bakedpotato man. The population is migratory, usually disappearing on the verge of quarterday,

and generally by night. His Majesty's revenues are seldom collected in this happy valley; the rents are

Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire, in his first floor front, early on the evening for which he

had invited Mr. Pickwick, and Mr. Ben Allen the other. The preparations for the reception of visitors

appeared to be completed. The umbrellas in the passage had been heaped into the little corner outside the

backparlour door; the bonnet and shawl of the landlady's servant had been removed from the bannisters;

there were not more than two pairs of pattens on the streetdoor mat; and a kitchen candle, with a very long

snuff, burned cheerfully on the ledge of the staircase window. Mr. Bob Sawyer had himself purchased the

spirits at a wine vaults in High Street, and had returned home preceding the bearer thereof, to preclude the

possibility of their delivery at the wrong house. The punch was readymade in a red pan in the bedroom; a

little table, covered with a green baize cloth, had been borrowed from the parlour, to play at cards on; and the

glasses of the establishment, together with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the

publichouse, were all drawn up in a tray, which was deposited on the landing outside the door.

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Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these arrangements, there was a cloud on the

countenance of Mr. Bob Sawyer, as he sat by the fireside. There was a sympathising expression, too, in the

features of Mr. Ben Allen, as he gazed intently on the coals, and a tone of melancholy in his voice, as he said,

after a long silence 'Well, it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn sour, just on this

'That's her malevolencethat's her malevolence,' returned Mr. Bob Sawyer vehemently. 'She says that if I

can afford to give a party I ought to be able to pay her confounded "little bill."' 'How long has it been

running?' inquired Mr. Ben Allen. A bill, by the bye, is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that the

genius of man ever produced. It would keep on running during the longest lifetime, without ever once

Ben Allen coughed hopelessly, and directed a searching look between the two top bars of the stove.

'It'll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head to let out, when those fellows are here, won't it?'

'Horrible,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'horrible.' A low tap was heard at the room door. Mr. Bob Sawyer looked

expressively at his friend, and bade the tapper come in; whereupon a dirty, slipshod girl in black cotton

stockings, who might have passed for the neglected daughter of a superannuated dustman in very reduced

Before Mr. Bob Sawyer could return any answer, the girl suddenly disappeared with a jerk, as if somebody

had given her a violent pull behind; this mysterious exit was no sooner accomplished, than there was another

tap at the doora smart, pointed tap, which seemed to say, 'Here I am, and in I'm coming.'

Mr, Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject apprehension, and once more cried, 'Come in.'

The permission was not at all necessary, for, before Mr. Bob Sawyer had uttered the words, a little, fierce

'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' said the little, fierce woman, trying to appear very calm, 'if you'll have the kindness to

settle that little bill of mine I'll thank you, because I've got my rent to pay this afternoon, and my landlord's

awaiting below now.' Here the little woman rubbed her hands, and looked steadily over Mr. Bob Sawyer's

'I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer deferentially, 'but'

'Oh, it isn't any inconvenience,' replied the little woman, with a shrill titter. 'I didn't want it particular before

today; leastways, as it has to go to my landlord directly, it was as well for you to keep it as me. You

promised me this afternoon, Mr. Sawyer, and every gentleman as has ever lived here, has kept his word, Sir,

as of course anybody as calls himself a gentleman does.' Mrs. Raddle tossed her head, bit her lips, rubbed her

hands harder, and looked at the wall more steadily than ever. It was plain to see, as Mr. Bob Sawyer

remarked in a style of Eastern allegory on a subsequent occasion, that she was 'getting the steam up.'

'I am very sorry, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer, with all imaginable humility, 'but the fact is, that I have

been disappointed in the City today.'Extraordinary place that City. An astonishing number of men always

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'Well, Mr. Sawyer,' said Mrs. Raddle, planting herself firmly on a purple cauliflower in the Kidderminster

'IIhave no doubt, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer, blinking this last question, 'that before the middle of

next week we shall be able to set ourselves quite square, and go on, on a better system, afterwards.'

This was all Mrs. Raddle wanted. She had bustled up to the apartment of the unlucky Bob Sawyer, so bent

upon going into a passion, that, in all probability, payment would have rather disappointed her than

otherwise. She was in excellent order for a little relaxation of the kind, having just exchanged a few

'Do you suppose, Mr. Sawyer,' said Mrs. Raddle, elevating her voice for the information of the

neighbours'do you suppose that I'm agoing day after day to let a fellar occupy my lodgings as never

thinks of paying his rent, nor even the very money laid out for the fresh butter and lump sugar that's bought

for his breakfast, and the very milk that's took in, at the street door? Do you suppose a hardworking and

industrious woman as has lived in this street for twenty year (ten year over the way, and nine year and

threequarters in this very house) has nothing else to do but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle

fellars, that are always smoking and drinking, and lounging, when they ought to be glad to turn their hands to

'Have the goodness to keep your observashuns to yourself, Sir, I beg,' said Mrs. Raddle, suddenly arresting

the rapid torrent of her speech, and addressing the third party with impressive slowness and solemnity. 'I am

not aweer, Sir, that you have any right to address your conversation to me. I don't think I let these apartments

'Very good, Sir,' responded Mrs. Raddle, with lofty politeness. 'Then p'raps, Sir, you'll confine yourself to

breaking the arms and legs of the poor people in the hospitals, and keep yourself TO yourself, Sir, or there

'I beg your parding, young man,' said Mrs. Raddle, in a cold perspiration of anger. 'But will you have the

'I didn't make use of the word in any invidious sense, ma'am,' replied Mr. Benjamin Allen, growing somewhat

'I beg your parding, young man,' demanded Mrs. Raddle, in a louder and more imperative tone. 'But who do

'Did you apply that name to me, I ask of you, sir?' interrupted Mrs. Raddle, with intense fierceness, throwing

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'Yes, of course you did,' said Mrs. Raddle, backing gradually to the door, and raising her voice to its loudest

pitch, for the special behoof of Mr. Raddle in the kitchen. 'Yes, of course you did! And everybody knows that

they may safely insult me in my own 'ouse while my husband sits sleeping downstairs, and taking no more

notice than if I was a dog in the streets. He ought to be ashamed of himself (here Mrs. Raddle sobbed) to

allow his wife to be treated in this way by a parcel of young cutters and carvers of live people's bodies, that

disgraces the lodgings (another sob), and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse; a base, faint hearted,

timorous wretch, that's afraid to come upstairs, and face the ruffinly creaturesthat's afraidthat's afraid to

come!' Mrs. Raddle paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt had roused her better half; and finding

that it had not been successful, proceeded to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable; when there came a

loud double knock at the street door; whereupon she burst into an hysterical fit of weeping, accompanied with

dismal moans, which was prolonged until the knock had been repeated six times, when, in an uncontrollable

burst of mental agony, she threw down all the umbrellas, and disappeared into the back parlour, closing the

'Yes,' said the girl, 'first floor. It's the door straight afore you, when you gets to the top of the stairs.' Having

given this instruction, the handmaid, who had been brought up among the aboriginal inhabitants of

Southwark, disappeared, with the candle in her hand, down the kitchen stairs, perfectly satisfied that she had

Mr. Snodgrass, who entered last, secured the street door, after several ineffectual efforts, by putting up the

chain; and the friends stumbled upstairs, where they were received by Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been afraid

'How are you?' said the discomfited student. 'Glad to see you take care of the glasses.' This caution was

'Don't mention it, don't mention it,' said Bob Sawyer. 'I'm rather confined for room here, but you must put up

with all that, when you come to see a young bachelor. Walk in. You've seen this gentleman before, I think?'

Mr. Pickwick shook hands with Mr. Benjamin Allen, and his friends followed his example. They had

'I hope that's Jack Hopkins!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'Hush. Yes, it is. Come up, Jack; come up.'

A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs, and Jack Hopkins presented himself. He wore a black velvet

waistcoat, with thunderandlightning buttons; and a blue striped shirt, with a white false collar.

'No, nothing particular. Rather a good accident brought into the casualty ward.'

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'Only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs' window; but it's a very fair case indeed.'

'Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. 'No,' replied Mr. Hopkins

carelessly. 'No, I should rather say he wouldn't. There must be a splendid operation, though,

'You consider Mr. Slasher a good operator?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Best alive,' replied Hopkins. 'Took a boy's

leg out of the socket last weekboy ate five apples and a gingerbread cake exactly two minutes after it

was all over, boy said he wouldn't lie there to be made game of, and he'd tell his mother if they didn't begin.'

'By the bye, Bob,' said Hopkins, with a scarcely perceptible glance at Mr. Pickwick's attentive face, 'we had a

curious accident last night. A child was brought in, who had swallowed a necklace.'

'Swallowed what, Sir?' interrupted Mr. Pickwick. 'A necklace,' replied Jack Hopkins. 'Not all at once, you

know, that would be too muchyou couldn't swallow that, if the child dideh, Mr. Pickwick? ha, ha!' Mr.

Hopkins appeared highly gratified with his own pleasantry, and continued'No, the way was this. Child's

parents were poor people who lived in a court. Child's eldest sister bought a necklacecommon necklace,

made of large black wooden beads. Child being fond of toys, cribbed the necklace, hid it, played with it, cut

the string, and swallowed a bead. Child thought it capital fun, went back next day, and swallowed another

'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what a dreadful thing! I beg your pardon, Sir. Go on.'

'Next day, child swallowed two beads; the day after that, he treated himself to three, and so on, till in a week's

time he had got through the necklacefiveandtwenty beads in all. The sister, who was an industrious girl,

and seldom treated herself to a bit of finery, cried her eyes out, at the loss of the necklace; looked high and

low for it; but, I needn't say, didn't find it. A few days afterwards, the family were at dinnerbaked shoulder

of mutton, and potatoes under itthe child, who wasn't hungry, was playing about the room, when suddenly

there was heard a devil of a noise, like a small hailstorm. "Don't do that, my boy," said the father. "I ain't

adoin' nothing," said the child. "Well, don't do it again," said the father. There was a short silence, and then

the noise began again, worse than ever. "If you don't mind what I say, my boy," said the father, "you'll find

yourself in bed, in something less than a pig's whisper." He gave the child a shake to make him obedient, and

such a rattling ensued as nobody ever heard before. "Why, damme, it's IN the child!" said the father, "he's got

the croup in the wrong place!" "No, I haven't, father," said the child, beginning to cry, "it's the necklace; I

swallowed it, father."The father caught the child up, and ran with him to the hospital; the beads in the

boy's stomach rattling all the way with the jolting; and the people looking up in the air, and down in the

cellars, to see where the unusual sound came from. He's in the hospital now,' said Jack Hopkins, 'and he

makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about, that they're obliged to muffle him in a watchman's coat,

'That's the most extraordinary case I ever heard of,' said Mr. Pickwick, with an emphatic blow on the table.

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'Very singular things occur in our profession, I can assure you, Sir,' said Hopkins.

Another knock at the door announced a largeheaded young man in a black wig, who brought with him a

scorbutic youth in a long stock. The next comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with pink anchors,

who was closely followed by a pale youth with a plated watchguard. The arrival of a prim personage in clean

linen and cloth boots rendered the party complete. The little table with the green baize cover was wheeled

out; the first instalment of punch was brought in, in a white jug; and the succeeding three hours were devoted

to VINGTETUN at sixpence a dozen, which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute between the

scorbutic youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors; in the course of which, the scorbutic youth

intimated a burning desire to pull the nose of the gentleman with the emblems of hope; in reply to which, that

individual expressed his decided unwillingness to accept of any 'sauce' on gratuitous terms, either from the

irascible young gentleman with the scorbutic countenance, or any other person who was ornamented with a

When the last 'natural' had been declared, and the profit and loss account of fish and sixpences adjusted, to

the satisfaction of all parties, Mr. Bob Sawyer rang for supper, and the visitors squeezed themselves into

it was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine. First of all, it was necessary to awaken the girl,

who had fallen asleep with her face on the kitchen table; this took a little time, and, even when she did answer

the bell, another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her a faint and distant

glimmering of reason. The man to whom the order for the oysters had been sent, had not been told to open

them; it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp knife and a twopronged fork; and very little

was done in this way. Very little of the beef was done either; and the ham (which was also from the

Germansausage shop round the corner) was in a similar predicament. However, there was plenty of porter in

a tin can; and the cheese went a great way, for it was very strong. So upon the whole, perhaps, the supper was

After supper, another jug of punch was put upon the table, together with a paper of cigars, and a couple of

bottles of spirits. Then there was an awful pause; and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common

The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses. The establishment boasted four: we do not record the

circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs. Raddle, for there never was a lodginghouse yet, that was not short

of glasses. The landlady's glasses were little, thin, blownglass tumblers, and those which had been borrowed

from the publichouse were great, dropsical, bloated articles, each supported on a huge gouty leg. This would

have been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with the real state of affairs; but the young

woman of all work had prevented the possibility of any misconception arising in the mind of any gentleman

upon the subject, by forcibly dragging every man's glass away, long before he had finished his beer, and

audibly stating, despite the winks and interruptions of Mr. Bob Sawyer, that it was to be conveyed

It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good. The prim man in the cloth boots, who had been

unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted, saw his opportunity,

and availed himself of it. The instant the glasses disappeared, he commenced a long story about a great public

character, whose name he had forgotten, making a particularly happy reply to another eminent and illustrious

individual whom he had never been able to identify. He enlarged at some length and with great minuteness

upon divers collateral circumstances, distantly connected with the anecdote in hand, but for the life of him he

couldn't recollect at that precise moment what the anecdote was, although he had been in the habit of telling

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'Dear me,' said the prim man in the cloth boots, 'it is a very extraordinary circumstance.'

'I am sorry you have forgotten it,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, glancing eagerly at the door, as he thought he heard

'So am I,' responded the prim man, 'because I know it would have afforded so much amusement. Never mind;

I dare say I shall manage to recollect it, in the course of half an hour or so.'

The prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came back, when Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been

absorbed in attention during the whole time, said he should very much like to hear the end of it, for, so far as

it went, it was, without exception, the very best story he had ever heard. The sight of the tumblers restored

Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady. His

'Now, Betsy,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with great suavity, and dispersing, at the same time, the tumultuous little

mob of glasses the girl had collected in the centre of the table'now, Betsy, the warm water; be brisk, there's

'No,' said the girl, with a shake of the head which expressed a more decided negative than the most copious

The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new courage to the host.

'Bring up the warm water instantlyinstantly!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with desperate sternness.

'No. I can't,' replied the girl; 'Missis Raddle raked out the kitchen fire afore she went to bed, and locked up the

'Oh, never mind; never mind. Pray don't disturb yourself about such a trifle,' said Mr. Pickwick, observing the

conflict of Bob Sawyer's passions, as depicted in his countenance, 'cold water will do very well.'

'My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement,' remarked Bob Sawyer, with a ghastly

'I fear I must,' said Bob, with heroic firmness. 'I'll pay her what I owe her, and give her warning tomorrow

Mr. Bob Sawyer's heartsickening attempts to rally under this last blow, communicated a dispiriting

influence to the company, the greater part of whom, with the view of raising their spirits, attached themselves

with extra cordiality to the cold brandyand water, the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a

renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman in the shirt. The belligerents vented their

CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY Mr. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH 298

feelings of mutual contempt, for some time, in a variety of frownings and snortings, until at last the scorbutic

youth felt it necessary to come to a more explicit understanding on the matter; when the following clear

'I should be very sorry, Sawyer,' said Mr. Noddy, 'to create any unpleasantness at any friend's table, and much

less at yours, Sawyervery; but I must take this opportunity of informing Mr. Gunter that he is no

'And I should be very sorry, Sawyer, to create any disturbance in the street in which you reside,' said Mr.

Gunter, 'but I'm afraid I shall be under the necessity of alarming the neighbours by throwing the person who

'Because you'll stick it up over your chimneypiece, and delude your visitors into the false belief that a

'Sir, I'm very much obliged to you for the caution, and I'll leave particular directions with the servant to lock

At this point the remainder of the guests interposed, and remonstrated with both parties on the impropriety of

their conduct; on which Mr. Noddy begged to state that his father was quite as respectable as Mr. Gunter's

father; to which Mr. Gunter replied that his father was to the full as respectable as Mr. Noddy's father, and

that his father's son was as good a man as Mr. Noddy, any day in the week. As this announcement seemed the

prelude to a recommencement of the dispute, there was another interference on the part of the company; and a

vast quantity of talking and clamouring ensued, in the course of which Mr. Noddy gradually allowed his

feelings to overpower him, and professed that he had ever entertained a devoted personal attachment towards

Mr. Gunter. To this Mr. Gunter replied that, upon the whole, he rather preferred Mr. Noddy to his own

brother; on hearing which admission, Mr. Noddy magnanimously rose from his seat, and proffered his hand

to Mr. Gunter. Mr. Gunter grasped it with affecting fervour; and everybody said that the whole dispute had

been conducted in a manner which was highly honourable to both parties concerned.

'Now,' said Jack Hopkins, 'just to set us going again, Bob, I don't mind singing a song.' And Hopkins, incited

thereto by tumultuous applause, plunged himself at once into 'The King, God bless him,' which he sang as

loud as he could, to a novel air, compounded of the 'Bay of Biscay,' and 'A Frog he would.' The chorus was

CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY Mr. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH 299

the essence of the song; and, as each gentleman sang it to the tune he knew best, the effect was very striking

It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse, that Mr. Pickwick held up his hand in a listening attitude, and

A profound silence immediately ensued; and Mr. Bob Sawyer was observed to turn pale.

'I think I hear it now,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Have the goodness to open the door.'

'It's my landlady,' said Bob Sawyer, looking round him with great dismay. 'Yes, Mrs. Raddle.'

'What do you mean by this, Mr. Sawyer?' replied the voice, with great shrillness and rapidity of utterance.

'Ain't it enough to be swindled out of one's rent, and money lent out of pocket besides, and abused and

insulted by your friends that dares to call themselves men, without having the house turned out of the

window, and noise enough made to bring the fireengines here, at two o'clock in the morning?Turn them

'You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,' said the voice of Mr. Raddle, which appeared to proceed from

'Ashamed of themselves!' said Mrs. Raddle. 'Why don't you go down and knock 'em every one downstairs?

You would if you was a man.' 'I should if I was a dozen men, my dear,' replied Mr. Raddle pacifically, 'but

'Ugh, you coward!' replied Mrs. Raddle, with supreme contempt. 'DO you mean to turn them wretches out, or

'They're going, Mrs. Raddle, they're going,' said the miserable Bob. 'I am afraid you'd better go,' said Mr. Bob

'It's a very unfortunate thing,' said the prim man. 'Just as we were getting so comfortable too!' The prim man

was just beginning to have a dawning recollection of the story he had forgotten.

'It's hardly to be borne,' said the prim man, looking round. 'Hardly to be borne, is it?'

'Not to be endured,' replied Jack Hopkins; 'let's have the other verse, Bob. Come, here goes!'

'No, no, Jack, don't,' interposed Bob Sawyer; 'it's a capital song, but I am afraid we had better not have the

'Shall I step upstairs, and pitch into the landlord?' inquired Hopkins, 'or keep on ringing the bell, or go and

'I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good nature, Hopkins,' said the wretched Mr. Bob

CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY Mr. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH 300

Sawyer, 'but I think the best plan to avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at once.'

'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' screamed the shrill voice of Mrs. Raddle, 'are them brutes going?'

'They're only looking for their hats, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob; 'they are going directly.'

'Going!' said Mrs. Raddle, thrusting her nightcap over the banisters just as Mr. Pickwick, followed by Mr.

'Get along with you, old wretch!' replied Mrs. Raddle, hastily withdrawing the nightcap. 'Old enough to be his

Mr. Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence, so hurried downstairs into the street, whither he was

closely followed by Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Ben Allen, who was dismally

depressed with spirits and agitation, accompanied them as far as London Bridge, and in the course of the

walk confided to Mr. Winkle, as an especially eligible person to intrust the secret to, that he was resolved to

cut the throat of any gentleman, except Mr. Bob Sawyer, who should aspire to the affections of his sister

Arabella. Having expressed his determination to perform this painful duty of a brother with proper firmness,

he burst into tears, knocked his hat over his eyes, and, making the best of his way back, knocked double

knocks at the door of the Borough Market office, and took short naps on the steps alternately, until daybreak,

The visitors having all departed, in compliance with the rather pressing request of Mrs. Raddle, the luckless

Mr. Bob Sawyer was left alone, to meditate on the probable events of tomorrow, and the pleasures of the

The morning of the thirteenth of February, which the readers of this authentic narrative know, as well as we

do, to have been the day immediately preceding that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs. Bardell's

action, was a busy time for Mr. Samuel Weller, who was perpetually engaged in travelling from the George

and Vulture to Mr. Perker's chambers and back again, from and between the hours of nine o'clock in the

morning and two in the afternoon, both inclusive. Not that there was anything whatever to be done, for the

consultation had taken place, and the course of proceeding to be adopted, had been finally determined on; but

Mr. Pickwick being in a most extreme state of excitement, persevered in constantly sending small notes to his

attorney, merely containing the inquiry, 'Dear Perker. Is all going on well?' to which Mr. Perker invariably

forwarded the reply, 'Dear Pickwick. As well as possible'; the fact being, as we have already hinted, that there

was nothing whatever to go on, either well or ill, until the sitting of the court on the following morning.

But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken forcibly there, for the first time, may be allowed to labour

under some temporary irritation and anxiety; and Sam, with a due allowance for the frailties of human nature,

obeyed all his master's behests with that imperturbable goodhumour and unruffable composure which

Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable little dinner, and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm

mixture in which Mr. Pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues of his morning's walks, when a

young boy of about three feet high, or thereabouts, in a hairy cap and fustian overalls, whose garb bespoke a

laudable ambition to attain in time the elevation of an hostler, entered the passage of the George and Vulture,

and looked first up the stairs, and then along the passage, and then into the bar, as if in search of somebody to

whom he bore a commission; whereupon the barmaid, conceiving it not improbable that the said commission

might be directed to the tea or table spoons of the establishment, accosted the boy with

'Is there anybody here, named Sam?' inquired the youth, in a loud voice of treble quality.

'How should I know?' briskly replied the young gentleman below the hairy cap. 'You're a sharp boy, you are,'

said Mr. Weller; 'only I wouldn't show that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, in case anybody took it

off. What do you mean by comin' to a hotel, and asking arter Sam, vith as much politeness as a vild Indian?'

'Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour,' rejoined the boy. 'He told me yesterday mornin' to

'It's my father, my dear,' said Mr. Weller, turning with an explanatory air to the young lady in the bar; 'blessed

if I think he hardly knows wot my other name is. Well, young brockiley sprout, wot then?'

'Why then,' said the boy, 'you was to come to him at six o'clock to our 'ouse, 'cos he wants to see youBlue

'You may wenture on that 'ere statement, Sir,' replied Sam. And thus empowered, the young gentleman

walked away, awakening all the echoes in George Yard as he did so, with several chaste and extremely

correct imitations of a drover's whistle, delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume.

Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr. Pickwick, who, in his then state of excitement and

worry, was by no means displeased at being left alone, set forth, long before the appointed hour, and having

plenty of time at his disposal, sauntered down as far as the Mansion House, where he paused and

contemplated, with a face of great calmness and philosophy, the numerous cads and drivers of short stages

who assemble near that famous place of resort, to the great terror and confusion of the oldlady population of

these realms. Having loitered here, for half an hour or so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his way

towards Leadenhall Market, through a variety of bystreets and courts. As he was sauntering away his spare

time, and stopped to look at almost every object that met his gaze, it is by no means surprising that Mr.

Weller should have paused before a small stationer's and printseller's window; but without further

explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have no sooner rested on certain pictures which

were exposed for sale therein, than he gave a sudden start, smote his right leg with great vehemence, and

exclaimed, with energy, 'if it hadn't been for this, I should ha' forgot all about it, till it was too late!'

The particular picture on which Sam Weller's eyes were fixed, as he said this, was a highlycoloured

representation of a couple of human hearts skewered together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful fire,

while a male and female cannibal in modern attire, the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers,

and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same, were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up

a serpentine gravel path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young gentleman, in a pair of wings and

nothing else, was depicted as superintending the cooking; a representation of the spire of the church in

Langham Place, London, appeared in the distance; and the whole formed a 'valentine,' of which, as a written

inscription in the window testified, there was a large assortment within, which the shopkeeper pledged

himself to dispose of, to his countrymen generally, at the reduced rate of oneandsixpence each.

'I should ha' forgot it; I should certainly ha' forgot it!' said Sam; so saying, he at once stepped into the

stationer's shop, and requested to be served with a sheet of the best giltedged letter paper, and a

hardnibbed pen which could be warranted not to splutter. These articles having been promptly supplied, he

walked on direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round pace, very different from his recent lingering

one. Looking round him, he there beheld a signboard on which the painter's art had delineated something

remotely resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing that this

was the Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the house, and inquired concerning his parent.

'He won't be here this threequarters of an hour or more,' said the young lady who superintended the

'Wery good, my dear,' replied Sam. 'Let me have nine penn'oth o' brandyandwater luke, and the inkstand,

The brandyandwater luke, and the inkstand, having been carried into the little parlour, and the young lady

having carefully flattened down the coals to prevent their blazing, and carried away the poker to preclude the

possibility of the fire being stirred, without the full privity and concurrence of the Blue Boar being first had

and obtained, Sam Weller sat himself down in a box near the stove, and pulled out the sheet of giltedged

letterpaper, and the hardnibbed pen. Then looking carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it,

and dusting down the table, so that there might be no crumbs of bread under the paper, Sam tucked up the

To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves practically to the science of

penmanship, writing a letter is no very easy task; it being always considered necessary in such cases for the

writer to recline his head on his left arm, so as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the

paper, and, while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing, to form with his tongue imaginary

characters to correspond. These motions, although unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original

composition, retard in some degree the progress of the writer; and Sam had unconsciously been a full hour

and a half writing words in small text, smearing out wrong letters with his little finger, and putting in new

ones which required going over very often to render them visible through the old blots, when he was roused

'Vell, my Prooshan Blue,' responded the son, laying down his pen. 'What's the last bulletin about

'Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is uncommon perwerse, and unpleasant this mornin'. Signed upon

oath, Tony Veller, Esquire. That's the last vun as was issued, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, untying his shawl.

'All the symptoms aggerawated,' replied Mr. Weller, shaking his head. 'But wot's that, you're adoin' of?

'A walentine,' replied Sam. 'Samivel, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, 'I didn't think you'd

ha' done it. Arter the warnin' you've had o' your father's wicious propensities; arter all I've said to you upon

this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein' and bein' in the company o' your own motherinlaw, vich I

should ha' thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha' forgotten to his dyin' day! I didn't think

you'd ha' done it, Sammy, I didn't think you'd ha' done it!' These reflections were too much for the good old

'Nev'r mind, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'it'll be a wery agonisin' trial to me at my time of life, but I'm pretty

tough, that's vun consolation, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos afeerd he should

'Wot'll be a trial?' inquired Sam. 'To see you married, Sammyto see you a dilluded wictim, and thinkin' in

your innocence that it's all wery capital,' replied Mr. Weller. 'It's a dreadful trial to a father's feelin's, that 'ere,

'Nonsense,' said Sam. 'I ain't agoin' to get married, don't you fret yourself about that; I know you're a judge

We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the pipe, or the consolatory reflection that a fatal

disposition to get married ran in the family, and couldn't be helped, which calmed Mr. Weller's feelings, and

caused his grief to subside. We should be rather disposed to say that the result was attained by combining the

two sources of consolation, for he repeated the second in a low tone, very frequently; ringing the bell

meanwhile, to order in the first. He then divested himself of his upper coat; and lighting the pipe and placing

himself in front of the fire with his back towards it, so that he could feel its full heat, and recline against the

mantelpiece at the same time, turned towards Sam, and, with a countenance greatly mollified by the

Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections, and began with a very theatrical air

'Stop,' said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. 'A double glass o' the inwariable, my dear.'

'Very well, Sir,' replied the girl; who with great quickness appeared, vanished, returned, and disappeared.

'Wery glad to hear it,' said Mr. Weller. 'Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on

boxin'day, or Warren's blackin', or Rowland's oil, or some of them low fellows; never you let yourself down

Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as follows:

'"Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned"' 'That ain't proper,' said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his

'No; it ain't "damned,"' observed Sam, holding the letter up to the light, 'it's "shamed," there's a blot there"I

'"Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir' I forget what this here word is,' said Sam, scratching his head

'So I am alookin' at it,' replied Sam, 'but there's another blot. Here's a "c," and a "i," and a "d."'

'Vell p'raps it's a more tenderer word,' said Mr. Weller, after a few moments' reflection. 'Go on, Sammy.'

'"Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a dressin' of you, for you are a nice gal and nothin'

'That's a wery pretty sentiment,' said the elder Mr. Weller, removing his pipe to make way for the remark.

'Wot I like in that 'ere style of writin',' said the elder Mr. Weller, 'is, that there ain't no callin' names in itno

Wenuses, nor nothin' o' that kind. Wot's the good o' callin' a young 'ooman a Wenus or a angel, Sammy?'

'You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a unicorn, or a king's arms at once, which is wery well known to

Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows; his father continuing to smoke, with a mixed

'"But now,"' continued Sam, '"now I find what a reg'lar soft headed, inkred'lous turnip I must ha' been; for

there ain't nobody like you, though I like you better than nothin' at all." I thought it best to make that rayther

'"So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dearas the gen'l'm'n in difficulties did, ven he valked out of

a Sundayto tell you that the first and only time I see you, your likeness was took on my hart in much

quicker time and brighter colours than ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen (wich p'raps you may

have heerd on Mary my dear) altho it DOES finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete, with a

'No, it don't,' replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoid contesting the point

'"Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think over what I've said.My dear Mary I will now

'Not a bit on it,' said Sam; 'she'll vish there wos more, and that's the great art o' letterwritin'.'

'Well,' said Mr. Weller, 'there's somethin' in that; and I wish your motherinlaw 'ud only conduct her

'Sign it "Pickwick," then,' said Mr. Weller; 'it's a wery good name, and a easy one to spell.' 'The wery thing,'

'I don't like it, Sam,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'I never know'd a respectable coachman as wrote poetry, 'cept one,

as made an affectin' copy o' werses the night afore he was hung for a highway robbery; and he wos only a

But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred to him, so he signed the letter

And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed a downhill direction in one corner: 'To Mary,

Housemaid, at Mr. Nupkins's, Mayor's, Ipswich, Suffolk'; and put it into his pocket, wafered, and ready for

the general post. This important business having been transacted, Mr. Weller the elder proceeded to open

'The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'He's agoin' to be tried tomorrow, ain't

'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'rhaps to

prove a alleybi. I've been aturnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make hisself easy, Sammy.

I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice 'ud be this herenever mind the character, and

stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing.' Mr. Weller looked very profound as he delivered

this legal opinion; and burying his nose in his tumbler, winked over the top thereof, at his astonished son.

'Why, what do you mean?' said Sam; 'you don't think he's agoin' to be tried at the Old Bailey, do you?'

'That ain't no part of the present consideration, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Verever he's agoin' to be tried,

my boy, a alleybi's the thing to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that 'ere manslaughter, with a alleybi,

ven all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldn't save him. And my 'pinion is, Sammy, that if your

governor don't prove a alleybi, he'll be what the Italians call reg'larly flummoxed, and that's all about it.'

As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction that the Old Bailey was the supreme

court of judicature in this country, and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the

practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever, he totally disregarded the assurances and arguments of his

son, tending to show that the alibi was inadmissible; and vehemently protested that Mr. Pickwick was being

'wictimised.' Finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further, Sam changed the subject, and inquired

'That's a pint o' domestic policy, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'This here Stiggins'

'The wery same,' replied Mr. Weller. 'This here rednosed man, Sammy, wisits your motherinlaw vith a

kindness and constancy I never see equalled. He's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, that wen he's avay

'And I'd give him somethin' as 'ud turpentine and beeswax his memory for the next ten years or so, if I wos

'Stop a minute,' said Mr. Weller; 'I wos agoing to say, he always brings now, a flat bottle as holds about a

'Clean!' replied Mr. Weller; 'never leaves nothin' in it but the cork and the smell; trust him for that, Sammy.

Now, these here fellows, my boy, are agoin' tonight to get up the monthly meetin' o' the Brick Lane Branch

o' the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association. Your motherinlaw wos agoin', Sammy,

but she's got the rheumatics, and can't; and I, SammyI've got the two tickets as wos sent her.' Mr. Weller

communicated this secret with great glee, and winked so indefatigably after doing so, that Sam began to think

'Well?' said that young gentleman. 'Well,' continued his progenitor, looking round him very cautiously, 'you

and I'll go, punctiwal to the time. The deputy shepherd won't, Sammy; the deputyshepherd won't.' Here

Mr. Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles, which gradually terminated in as near an approach to a

'Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,' exclaimed Sam, rubbing the old gentleman's back,

hard enough to set him on fire with the friction. 'What are you alaughin' at, corpilence?'

'Hush! Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, looking round him with increased caution, and speaking in a whisper. 'Two

friends o' mine, as works the Oxford Road, and is up to all kinds o' games, has got the deputyshepherd safe

in tow, Sammy; and ven he does come to the Ebenezer Junction (vich he's sure to do: for they'll see him to

the door, and shove him in, if necessary), he'll be as far gone in rumandwater, as ever he wos at the Markis

o' Granby, Dorkin', and that's not sayin' a little neither.' And with this, Mr. Weller once more laughed

immoderately, and once more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation, in consequence.

Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Weller's feelings than the projected exposure of the

real propensities and qualities of the rednosed man; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting,

the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general

The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance

Association were held in a large room, pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious

ladder. The president was the straightwalking Mr. Anthony Humm, a converted fireman, now a

schoolmaster, and occasionally an itinerant preacher; and the secretary was Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandler's

shopkeeper, an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel, who sold tea to the members. Previous to the

commencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and drank tea, till such time as they considered it

expedient to leave off; and a large wooden moneybox was conspicuously placed upon the green baize cloth

of the businesstable, behind which the secretary stood, and acknowledged, with a gracious smile, every

On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming extent; greatly to the horror of Mr.

Weller, senior, who, utterly regardless of all Sam's admonitory nudgings, stared about him in every direction

'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, 'if some o' these here people don't want tappin' tomorrow mornin', I ain't

your father, and that's wot it is. Why, this here old lady next me is adrowndin' herself in tea.' 'Be quiet, can't

'Sam,' whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone of deep agitation, 'mark my vords, my boy. If

that 'ere secretary fellow keeps on for only five minutes more, he'll blow hisself up with toast and water.'

'If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in the same low voice, 'I shall feel it my duty, as a

human bein', to rise and address the cheer. There's a young 'ooman on the next form but two, as has drunk

nine breakfast cups and a half; and she's aswellin' wisibly before my wery eyes.'

There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried his benevolent intention into immediate execution, if

a great noise, occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers, had not very fortunately announced that the

teadrinking was over. The crockery having been removed, the table with the green baize cover was carried

out into the centre of the room, and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man,

with a bald head and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, at the imminent peril of snapping the

'Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr. Anthony Humm, into the chair.'

The ladies waved a choice selection of pockethandkerchiefs at this proposition; and the impetuous little man

literally moved Mr. Humm into the chair, by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a

mahoganyframe which had once represented that article of furniture. The waving of handkerchiefs was

renewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek, whitefaced man, in a perpetual perspiration, bowed meekly, to

the great admiration of the females, and formally took his seat. Silence was then proclaimed by the little man

in the drab shorts, and Mr. Humm rose and saidThat, with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch

brothers and sisters, then and there present, the secretary would read the report of the Brick Lane Branch

committee; a proposition which was again received with a demonstration of pockethandkerchiefs.

The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, and the cough which always seizes an assembly,

when anything particular is going to be done, having been duly performed, the following document was read:

'Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past month, and have the unspeakable

'H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in better circumstances, owns to having been in the constant

habit of drinking ale and beer; says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week, for twenty years, taste

"dog's nose," which your committee find upon inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter, moist sugar, gin,

and nutmeg (a groan, and 'So it is!' from an elderly female). Is now out of work and penniless; thinks it must

be the porter (cheers) or the loss of the use of his right hand; is not certain which, but thinks it very likely

that, if he had drunk nothing but water all his life, his fellowworkman would never have stuck a rusty needle

in him, and thereby occasioned his accident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water to drink, and

'Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out charing and washing, by the day; never had more

than one eye, but knows her mother drank bottled stout, and shouldn't wonder if that caused it (immense

cheering). Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained from spirits she might have had two eyes

by this time (tremendous applause). Used, at every place she went to, to have eighteenpence a day, a pint of

porter, and a glass of spirits; but since she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded

threeandsixpence (the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with deafening

'Henry Beller was for many years toastmaster at various corporation dinners, during which time he drank a

great deal of foreign wine; may sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him; is not quite certain of

that, but is sure if he did, that he drank the contents. Feels very low and melancholy, is very feverish, and has

a constant thirst upon him; thinks it must be the wine he used to drink (cheers). Is out of employ now; and

'Thomas Burton is purveyor of cat's meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs, and several members of the

Common Council (the announcement of this gentleman's name was received with breathless interest). Has a

wooden leg; finds a wooden leg expensive, going over the stones; used to wear secondhand wooden legs,

and drink a glass of hot ginandwater regularly every nightsometimes two (deep sighs). Found the

secondhand wooden legs split and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded that their constitution was

undermined by the ginandwater (prolonged cheering). Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks nothing but

water and weak tea. The new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, and he attributes this solely to

Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song. With a view to their rational and

moral enjoyment, Brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of 'Who hasn't heard of a Jolly Young

Waterman?' to the tune of the Old Hundredth, which he would request them to join him in singing (great

applause). He might take that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing

the errors of his former life, had written that song to show the advantages of abstinence. It was a temperance

song (whirlwinds of cheers). The neatness of the young man's attire, the dexterity of his feathering, the

all combined to prove that he must have been a waterdrinker (cheers). Oh, what a state of virtuous jollity!

(rapturous cheering). And what was the young man's reward? Let all young men present mark this:

(Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example! The sisterhood, the maidens, flocking

round the young waterman, and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance. But, was it the

(Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a manhe begged pardon, to a femalerallied round the young

waterman, and turned with disgust from the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane Branch brothers were

watermen (cheers and laughter). That room was their boat; that audience were the maidens; and he (Mr.

'He ain't far out there, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller; 'they MUST be a soft sexa wery soft sex, indeedif

Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short by the announcement of the song,

which Mr. Anthony Humm gave out two lines at a time, for the information of such of his hearers as were

unacquainted with the legend. While it was being sung, the little man with the drab shorts disappeared; he

returned immediately on its conclusion, and whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest

importance. 'My friends,' said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a deprecatory manner, to bespeak the

silence of such of the stout old ladies as were yet a line or two behind; 'my friends, a delegate from the

Out came the pockethandkerchiefs again, in greater force than ever; for Mr. Stiggins was excessively

'He may approach, I think,' said Mr. Humm, looking round him, with a fat smile. 'Brother Tadger, let him

The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother Tadger, bustled down the ladder with

great speed, and was immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the Reverend Mr. Stiggins.

'He's acomin', Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, purple in the countenance with suppressed laughter.

'Don't say nothin' to me,' replied Sam, 'for I can't bear it. He's close to the door. I hear him aknockin' his

As Sam Weller spoke, the little door flew open, and Brother Tadger appeared, closely followed by the

Reverend Mr. Stiggins, who no sooner entered, than there was a great clapping of hands, and stamping of

feet, and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all of which manifestations of delight, Brother Stiggins returned no

other acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye, and a fixed smile, at the extreme top of the wick of the

candle on the table, swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a very unsteady and uncertain manner.

'I am all right, Sir,' replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in which ferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of

'I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all right, Sir?' said Mr. Stiggins.

'Oh, certainly not,' said Mr. Humm. 'I should advise him not to, Sir; I should advise him not,' said Mr.

By this time the audience were perfectly silent, and waited with some anxiety for the resumption of business.

'Will you address the meeting, brother?' said Mr. Humm, with a smile of invitation.

The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids; and a murmur of astonishment ran through the room.

'It's my opinion, sir,' said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat, and speaking very loudly'it's my opinion, sir,

that this meeting is drunk, sir. Brother Tadger, sir!' said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly increasing in ferocity, and

turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts, 'YOU are drunk, sir!' With this, Mr. Stiggins,

entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting, and to exclude therefrom all

improper characters, hit Brother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim, that the drab

shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning. Brother Tadger had been knocked, head first, down the ladder.

Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal screaming; and rushing in small parties before their favourite

brothers, flung their arms around them to preserve them from danger. An instance of affection, which had

nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, being extremely popular, was all but suffocated, by the crowd of female

devotees that hung about his neck, and heaped caresses upon him. The greater part of the lights were quickly

'Now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking off his greatcoat with much deliberation, 'just you step out, and fetch

'Never you mind me, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman; 'I shall ockipy myself in havin' a small settlement

with that 'ere Stiggins.' Before Sam could interfere to prevent it, his heroic parent had penetrated into a

remote corner of the room, and attacked the Reverend Mr. Stiggins with manual dexterity.

'Come on!' cried Mr. Weller; and without further invitation he gave the Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary

tap on the head, and began dancing round him in a buoyant and corklike manner, which in a gentleman at

Finding all remonstrances unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmly on, threw his father's coat over his arm, and

taking the old man round the waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street; never releasing

his hold, or permitting him to stop, until they reached the corner. As they gained it, they could hear the shouts

of the populace, who were witnessing the removal of the Reverend Mr. Stiggins to strong lodgings for the

night, and could hear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick

'I wonder what the foreman of the jury, whoever he'll be, has got for breakfast,' said Mr. Snodgrass, by way

of keeping up a conversation on the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February.

'Highly importantvery important, my dear Sir,' replied Perker. 'A good, contented, wellbreakfasted

juryman is a capital thing to get hold of. Discontented or hungry jurymen, my dear sir, always find for the

'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking very blank, 'what do they do that for?'

'Why, I don't know,' replied the little man coolly; 'saves time, I suppose. If it's near dinnertime, the foreman

takes out his watch when the jury has retired, and says, "Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to five, I declare! I

dine at five, gentlemen." "So do I," says everybody else, except two men who ought to have dined at three

and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts up his

watch:"Well, gentlemen, what do we say, plaintiff or defendant, gentlemen? I rather think, so far as I am

concerned, gentlemen,I say, I rather thinkbut don't let that influence youI RATHER think the

plaintiff's the man." Upon this, two or three other men are sure to say that they think so tooas of course

they do; and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably. Ten minutes past nine!' said the little man,

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looking at his watch.'Time we were off, my dear sir; breach of promise trialcourt is generally full in such

cases. You had better ring for a coach, my dear sir, or we shall be rather late.'

Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell, and a coach having been procured, the four Pickwickians and Mr.

Perker ensconced themselves therein, and drove to Guildhall; Sam Weller, Mr. Lowten, and the blue bag,

'Lowten,' said Perker, when they reached the outer hall of the court, 'put Mr. Pickwick's friends in the

students' box; Mr. Pickwick himself had better sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this way.' Taking Mr.

Pickwick by the coat sleeve, the little man led him to the low seat just beneath the desks of the King's

Counsel, which is constructed for the convenience of attorneys, who from that spot can whisper into the ear

of the leading counsel in the case, any instructions that may be necessary during the progress of the trial. The

occupants of this seat are invisible to the great body of spectators, inasmuch as they sit on a much lower level

than either the barristers or the audience, whose seats are raised above the floor. Of course they have their

'That's the witnessbox, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a kind of pulpit, with a brass rail, on his

'That's the witnessbox, my dear sir,' replied Perker, disinterring a quantity of papers from the blue bag,

'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on his right, 'that's where the jurymen sit,

'The identical place, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, tapping the lid of his snuffbox.

Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation, and took a glance at the court. There were already a pretty

large sprinkling of spectators in the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs, in the barristers'

seats, who presented, as a body, all that pleasing and extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the Bar

of England is so justly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as had a brief to carry, carried it in as conspicuous a

manner as possible, and occasionally scratched their noses therewith, to impress the fact more strongly on the

observation of the spectators. Other gentlemen, who had no briefs to show, carried under their arms goodly

octavos, with a red label behind, and that underdonepiecrustcoloured cover, which is technically known

as 'law calf.' Others, who had neither briefs nor books, thrust their hands into their pockets, and looked as

wise as they conveniently could; others, again, moved here and there with great restlessness and earnestness

of manner, content to awaken thereby the admiration and astonishment of the uninitiated strangers. The

whole, to the great wonderment of Mr, Pickwick, were divided into little groups, who were chatting and

discussing the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner possiblejust as if no trial at all were coming

A bow from Mr. Phunky, as he entered, and took his seat behind the row appropriated to the King's Counsel,

attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention; and he had scarcely returned it, when Mr. Serjeant Snubbin appeared,

followed by Mr. Mallard, who half hid the Serjeant behind a large crimson bag, which he placed on his table,

and, after shaking hands with Perker, withdrew. Then there entered two or three more Serjeants; and among

them, one with a fat body and a red face, who nodded in a friendly manner to Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, and said

'Who's that redfaced man, who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to our counsel?' whispered Mr.

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'Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz,' replied Perker. 'He's opposed to us; he leads on the other side. That gentleman behind

Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring, with great abhorrence of the man's coldblooded villainy, how

Mr, Serjeant Buzfuz, who was counsel for the opposite party, dared to presume to tell Mr. Serjeant Snubbin,

who was counsel for him, that it was a fine morning, when he was interrupted by a general rising of the

barristers, and a loud cry of 'Silence!' from the officers of the court. Looking round, he found that this was

Mr. Justice Stareleigh (who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice, occasioned by indisposition) was a most

particularly short man, and so fat, that he seemed all face and waistcoat. He rolled in, upon two little turned

legs, and having bobbed gravely to the Bar, who bobbed gravely to him, put his little legs underneath his

table, and his little threecornered hat upon it; and when Mr. Justice Stareleigh had done this, all you could

see of him was two queer little eyes, one broad pink face, and somewhere about half of a big and very

The judge had no sooner taken his seat, than the officer on the floor of the court called out 'Silence!' in a

commanding tone, upon which another officer in the gallery cried 'Silence!' in an angry manner, whereupon

three or four more ushers shouted 'Silence!' in a voice of indignant remonstrance. This being done, a

gentleman in black, who sat below the judge, proceeded to call over the names of the jury; and after a great

deal of bawling, it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were present. Upon this, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz

prayed a TALES; the gentleman in black then proceeded to press into the special jury, two of the common

'Answer to your names, gentlemen, that you may be sworn,' said the gentleman in black. 'Richard Upwitch.'

'I beg this court's pardon,' said the chemist, who was a tall, thin, yellowvisaged man, 'but I hope this court

'I can't help that, Sir,' replied Mr. Justice Stareleigh. 'You should hire one.'

'Then you ought to be able to afford it, Sir,' said the judge, reddening; for Mr. Justice Stareleigh's temper

'I know I OUGHT to do, if I got on as well as I deserved; but I don't, my Lord,' answered the chemist.

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The officer had got no further than the 'You shall well and truly try,' when he was again interrupted by the

'Very well, my Lord,' replied the chemist, in a resigned manner. 'Then there'll be murder before this trial's

over; that's all. Swear me, if you please, Sir;' and sworn the chemist was, before the judge could find words to

'I merely wanted to observe, my Lord,' said the chemist, taking his seat with great deliberation, 'that I've left

nobody but an errandboy in my shop. He is a very nice boy, my Lord, but he is not acquainted with drugs;

and I know that the prevailing impression on his mind is, that Epsom salts means oxalic acid; and syrup of

senna, laudanum. That's all, my Lord.' With this, the tall chemist composed himself into a comfortable

attitude, and, assuming a pleasant expression of countenance, appeared to have prepared himself for the

Mr. Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the deepest horror, when a slight sensation was

perceptible in the body of the court; and immediately afterwards Mrs. Bardell, supported by Mrs. Cluppins,

was led in, and placed, in a drooping state, at the other end of the seat on which Mr. Pickwick sat. An

extrasized umbrella was then handed in by Mr. Dodson, and a pair of pattens by Mr. Fogg, each of whom

had prepared a most sympathising and melancholy face for the occasion. Mrs. Sanders then appeared, leading

in Master Bardell. At sight of her child, Mrs. Bardell started; suddenly recollecting herself, she kissed him in

a frantic manner; then relapsing into a state of hysterical imbecility, the good lady requested to be informed

where she was. In reply to this, Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders turned their heads away and wept, while

Messrs. Dodson and Fogg entreated the plaintiff to compose herself. Serjeant Buzfuz rubbed his eyes very

hard with a large white handkerchief, and gave an appealing look towards the jury, while the judge was

visibly affected, and several of the beholders tried to cough down their emotion.

'Very good notion that indeed,' whispered Perker to Mr. Pickwick. 'Capital fellows those Dodson and Fogg;

As Perker spoke, Mrs. Bardell began to recover by slow degrees, while Mrs. Cluppins, after a careful survey

of Master Bardell's buttons and the buttonholes to which they severally belonged, placed him on the floor of

the court in front of his mothera commanding position in which he could not fail to awaken the full

commiseration and sympathy of both judge and jury. This was not done without considerable opposition, and

many tears, on the part of the young gentleman himself, who had certain inward misgivings that the placing

him within the full glare of the judge's eye was only a formal prelude to his being immediately ordered away

for instant execution, or for transportation beyond the seas, during the whole term of his natural life, at the

'Bardell and Pickwick,' cried the gentleman in black, calling on the case, which stood first on the list.

'Who is with you, Brother Buzfuz?' said the judge. Mr. Skimpin bowed, to intimate that he was.

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'Serjeant Buzfuz and Mr. Skimpin for the plaintiff,' said the judge, writing down the names in his notebook,

'Oh, very good,' said the judge; 'I never had the pleasure of hearing the gentleman's name before.' Here Mr.

Phunky bowed and smiled, and the judge bowed and smiled too, and then Mr. Phunky, blushing into the very

whites of his eyes, tried to look as if he didn't know that everybody was gazing at him, a thing which no man

The ushers again called silence, and Mr. Skimpin proceeded to 'open the case'; and the case appeared to have

very little inside it when he had opened it, for he kept such particulars as he knew, completely to himself, and

sat down, after a lapse of three minutes, leaving the jury in precisely the same advanced stage of wisdom as

Serjeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty and dignity which the grave nature of the proceedings

demanded, and having whispered to Dodson, and conferred briefly with Fogg, pulled his gown over his

Serjeant Buzfuz began by saying, that never, in the whole course of his professional experiencenever, from

the very first moment of his applying himself to the study and practice of the lawhad he approached a case

with feelings of such deep emotion, or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility imposed upon hima

responsibility, he would say, which he could never have supported, were he not buoyed up and sustained by a

conviction so strong, that it amounted to positive certainty that the cause of truth and justice, or, in other

words, the cause of his muchinjured and most oppressed client, must prevail with the highminded and

Counsel usually begin in this way, because it puts the jury on the very best terms with themselves, and makes

them think what sharp fellows they must be. A visible effect was produced immediately, several jurymen

'You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen,' continued Serjeant Buzfuz, well knowing that, from the

learned friend alluded to, the gentlemen of the jury had heard just nothing at all'you have heard from my

learned friend, gentlemen, that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage, in which the damages are

laid at #1,500. But you have not heard from my learned friend, inasmuch as it did not come within my

learned friend's province to tell you, what are the facts and circumstances of the case. Those facts and

circumstances, gentlemen, you shall hear detailed by me, and proved by the unimpeachable female whom I

Here, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, with a tremendous emphasis on the word 'box,' smote his table with a mighty

sound, and glanced at Dodson and Fogg, who nodded admiration of the Serjeant, and indignant defiance of

'The plaintiff, gentlemen,' continued Serjeant Buzfuz, in a soft and melancholy voice, 'the plaintiff is a

widow; yes, gentlemen, a widow. The late Mr. Bardell, after enjoying, for many years, the esteem and

confidence of his sovereign, as one of the guardians of his royal revenues, glided almost imperceptibly from

the world, to seek elsewhere for that repose and peace which a customhouse can never afford.' At this

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pathetic description of the decease of Mr. Bardell, who had been knocked on the head with a quartpot in a

publichouse cellar, the learned serjeant's voice faltered, and he proceeded, with emotion

'Some time before his death, he had stamped his likeness upon a little boy. With this little boy, the only

pledge of her departed exciseman, Mrs. Bardell shrank from the world, and courted the retirement and

tranquillity of Goswell Street; and here she placed in her front parlour window a written placard, bearing this

inscription"Apartments furnished for a single gentleman. Inquire within."' Here Serjeant Buzfuz paused,

'There is no date to that, is there?' inquired a juror. 'There is no date, gentlemen,' replied Serjeant Buzfuz; 'but

I am instructed to say that it was put in the plaintiff's parlour window just this time three years. I entreat the

attention of the jury to the wording of this document"Apartments furnished for a single gentleman"! Mrs.

Bardell's opinions of the opposite sex, gentlemen, were derived from a long contemplation of the inestimable

qualities of her lost husband. She had no fear, she had no distrust, she had no suspicion; all was confidence

and reliance. "Mr. Bardell," said the widow"Mr. Bardell was a man of honour, Mr. Bardell was a man of

his word, Mr. Bardell was no deceiver, Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself; to single gentlemen

I look for protection, for assistance, for comfort, and for consolation; in single gentlemen I shall perpetually

see something to remind me of what Mr. Bardell was when he first won my young and untried affections; to a

single gentleman, then, shall my lodgings be let." Actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse (among the

best impulses of our imperfect nature, gentlemen), the lonely and desolate widow dried her tears, furnished

her first floor, caught her innocent boy to her maternal bosom, and put the bill up in her parlour window. Did

it remain there long? No. The serpent was on the watch, the train was laid, the mine was preparing, the sapper

and miner was at work. Before the bill had been in the parlour window three daysthree days,

gentlemena being, erect upon two legs, and bearing all the outward semblance of a man, and not of a

monster, knocked at the door of Mrs. Bardell's house. He inquired withinhe took the lodgings; and on the

very next day he entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick Pickwick, the defendant.'

Serjeant Buzfuz, who had proceeded with such volubility that his face was perfectly crimson, here paused for

breath. The silence awoke Mr. Justice Stareleigh, who immediately wrote down something with a pen

without any ink in it, and looked unusually profound, to impress the jury with the belief that he always

'Of this man Pickwick I will say little; the subject presents but few attractions; and I, gentlemen, am not the

man, nor are you, gentlemen, the men, to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness, and of

Here Mr. Pickwick, who had been writhing in silence for some time, gave a violent start, as if some vague

idea of assaulting Serjeant Buzfuz, in the august presence of justice and law, suggested itself to his mind. An

admonitory gesture from Perker restrained him, and he listened to the learned gentleman's continuation with a

look of indignation, which contrasted forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders.

'I say systematic villainy, gentlemen,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, looking through Mr. Pickwick, and talking AT

him; 'and when I say systematic villainy, let me tell the defendant Pickwick, if he be in court, as I am

informed he is, that it would have been more decent in him, more becoming, in better judgment, and in better

taste, if he had stopped away. Let me tell him, gentlemen, that any gestures of dissent or disapprobation in

which he may indulge in this court will not go down with you; that you will know how to value and how to

appreciate them; and let me tell him further, as my Lord will tell you, gentlemen, that a counsel, in the

discharge of his duty to his client, is neither to be intimidated nor bullied, nor put down; and that any attempt

to do either the one or the other, or the first, or the last, will recoil on the head of the attempter, be he plaintiff

or be he defendant, be his name Pickwick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or Thompson.'

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This little divergence from the subject in hand, had, of course, the intended effect of turning all eyes to Mr.

Pickwick. Serjeant Buzfuz, having partially recovered from the state of moral elevation into which he had

'I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years, Pickwick continued to reside constantly, and without

interruption or intermission, at Mrs. Bardell's house. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell, during the whole of

that time, waited on him, attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen for the

washerwoman when it went abroad, darned, aired, and prepared it for wear, when it came home, and, in short,

enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you that, on many occasions, he gave halfpence, and on

some occasions even sixpences, to her little boy; and I shall prove to you, by a witness whose testimony it

will be impossible for my learned friend to weaken or controvert, that on one occasion he patted the boy on

the head, and, after inquiring whether he had won any "ALLEY TORS" or "COMMONEYS" lately (both of

which I understand to be a particular species of marbles much prized by the youth of this town), made use of

this remarkable expression, "How should you like to have another father?" I shall prove to you, gentlemen,

that about a year ago, Pickwick suddenly began to absent himself from home, during long intervals, as if with

the intention of gradually breaking off from my client; but I shall show you also, that his resolution was not at

that time sufficiently strong, or that his better feelings conquered, if better feelings he has, or that the charms

and accomplishments of my client prevailed against his unmanly intentions, by proving to you, that on one

occasion, when he returned from the country, he distinctly and in terms, offered her marriage: previously,

however, taking special care that there would be no witness to their solemn contract; and I am in a situation to

prove to you, on the testimony of three of his own friendsmost unwilling witnesses, gentlemenmost

unwilling witnessesthat on that morning he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and

A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the learned Serjeant's address. Drawing

forth two very small scraps of paper, he proceeded 'And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters

have passed between these parties, letters which are admitted to be in the handwriting of the defendant, and

which speak volumes, indeed. The letters, too, bespeak the character of the man. They are not open, fervent,

eloquent epistles, breathing nothing but the language of affectionate attachment. They are covert, sly,

underhanded communications, but, fortunately, far more conclusive than if couched in the most glowing

language and the most poetic imageryletters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious

eyeletters that were evidently intended at the time, by Pickwick, to mislead and delude any third parties

into whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first: "Garraways, twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. B.Chops

and tomato sauce. Yours, PICKWICK." Gentlemen, what does this mean? Chops and tomato sauce. Yours,

Pickwick! Chops! Gracious heavens! and tomato sauce! Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and

confiding female to be trifled away, by such shallow artifices as these? The next has no date whatever, which

is in itself suspicious. "Dear Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till tomorrow. Slow coach." And then follows

this very remarkable expression. "Don't trouble yourself about the warmingpan." The warmingpan! Why,

gentlemen, who DOES trouble himself about a warmingpan? When was the peace of mind of man or

woman broken or disturbed by a warmingpan, which is in itself a harmless, a useful, and I will add,

gentlemen, a comforting article of domestic furniture? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnestly entreated not to

agitate herself about this warmingpan, unless (as is no doubt the case) it is a mere cover for hidden firea

mere substitute for some endearing word or promise, agreeably to a preconcerted system of correspondence,

artfully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his contemplated desertion, and which I am not in a condition

to explain? And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean? For aught I know, it may be a reference to

Pickwick himself, who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow coach during the whole of this

transaction, but whose speed will now be very unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, gentlemen, as he

Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz paused in this place, to see whether the jury smiled at his joke; but as nobody took it but

the greengrocer, whose sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned by his having subjected a

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chaisecart to the process in question on that identical morning, the learned Serjeant considered it advisable

'But enough of this, gentlemen,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, 'it is difficult to smile with an aching heart; it is ill

jesting when our deepest sympathies are awakened. My client's hopes and prospects are ruined, and it is no

figure of speech to say that her occupation is gone indeed. The bill is downbut there is no tenant. Eligible

single gentlemen pass and repassbut there is no invitation for to inquire within or without. All is gloom and

silence in the house; even the voice of the child is hushed; his infant sports are disregarded when his mother

weeps; his "alley tors" and his "commoneys" are alike neglected; he forgets the long familiar cry of "knuckle

down," and at tipcheese, or odd and even, his hand is out. But Pickwick, gentlemen, Pickwick, the ruthless

destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell Street Pickwick who has choked up the well, and

thrown ashes on the swardPickwick, who comes before you today with his heartless tomato sauce and

warmingpansPickwick still rears his head with unblushing effrontery, and gazes without a sigh on the

ruin he has made. Damages, gentlemenheavy damages is the only punishment with which you can visit

him; the only recompense you can award to my client. And for those damages she now appeals to an

enlightened, a highminded, a rightfeeling, a conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathising, a

contemplative jury of her civilised countrymen.' With this beautiful peroration, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz sat

'Call Elizabeth Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, rising a minute afterwards, with renewed vigour.

The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Tuppins; another one, at a little distance off, demanded Elizabeth

Jupkins; and a third rushed in a breathless state into King Street, and screamed for Elizabeth Muffins till he

Meanwhile Mrs. Cluppins, with the combined assistance of Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, Mr. Dodson, and Mr.

Fogg, was hoisted into the witnessbox; and when she was safely perched on the top step, Mrs. Bardell stood

on the bottom one, with the pockethandkerchief and pattens in one hand, and a glass bottle that might hold

about a quarter of a pint of smellingsalts in the other, ready for any emergency. Mrs. Sanders, whose eyes

were intently fixed on the judge's face, planted herself close by, with the large umbrella, keeping her right

thumb pressed on the spring with an earnest countenance, as if she were fully prepared to put it up at a

'Mrs. Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, 'pray compose yourself, ma'am.' Of course, directly Mrs. Cluppins was

desired to compose herself, she sobbed with increased vehemence, and gave divers alarming manifestations

of an approaching fainting fit, or, as she afterwards said, of her feelings being too many for her.

'Do you recollect, Mrs. Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, after a few unimportant questions'do you recollect

being in Mrs. Bardell's back one pair of stairs, on one particular morning in July last, when she was dusting

'My Lord and jury,' said Mrs. Cluppins, with interesting agitation, 'I will not deceive you.'

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'I was there,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins, 'unbeknown to Mrs. Bardell; I had been out with a little basket,

gentlemen, to buy three pound of red kidney pertaties, which was three pound tuppence ha'penny, when I see

'It's all the same, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin. The little judge looked doubtful, and said he'd make a note

'I walked in, gentlemen, just to say goodmornin', and went, in a permiscuous manner, upstairs, and into the

'Beggin' your pardon, Sir,' replied Mrs. Cluppins, in a majestic manner, 'I would scorn the haction. The voices

'Well, Mrs. Cluppins, you were not listening, but you heard the voices. Was one of those voices Pickwick's?'

'Yes, it were, Sir.' And Mrs. Cluppins, after distinctly stating that Mr. Pickwick addressed himself to Mrs.

Bardell, repeated by slow degrees, and by dint of many questions, the conversation with which our readers

The jury looked suspicious, and Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz smiled as he sat down. They looked positively awful

when Serjeant Snubbin intimated that he should not crossexamine the witness, for Mr. Pickwick wished it to

be distinctly stated that it was due to her to say, that her account was in substance correct.

Mrs. Cluppins having once broken the ice, thought it a favourable opportunity for entering into a short

dissertation on her own domestic affairs; so she straightway proceeded to inform the court that she was the

mother of eight children at that present speaking, and that she entertained confident expectations of

presenting Mr. Cluppins with a ninth, somewhere about that day six months. At this interesting point, the

little judge interposed most irascibly; and the effect of the interposition was, that both the worthy lady and

Mrs. Sanders were politely taken out of court, under the escort of Mr. Jackson, without further parley.

'Here!' replied a feeble voice. Mr. Winkle entered the witness box, and having been duly sworn, bowed to

'Don't look at me, Sir,' said the judge sharply, in acknowledgment of the salute; 'look at the jury.'

Mr. Winkle obeyed the mandate, and looked at the place where he thought it most probable the jury might be;

for seeing anything in his then state of intellectual complication was wholly out of the question.

Mr. Winkle was then examined by Mr. Skimpin, who, being a promising young man of two or

CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 320

threeandforty, was of course anxious to confuse a witness who was notoriously predisposed in favour of

'Now, Sir,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'have the goodness to let his Lordship know what your name is, will you?' and

Mr. Skimpin inclined his head on one side to listen with great sharpness to the answer, and glanced at the jury

meanwhile, as if to imply that he rather expected Mr. Winkle's natural taste for perjury would induce him to

'You did, Sir,' replied the judge, with a severe frown. 'How could I have got Daniel on my notes, unless you

'Mr. Winkle has rather a short memory, my Lord,' interposed Mr. Skimpin, with another glance at the jury.

'We shall find means to refresh it before we have quite done with him, I dare say.'

'You had better be careful, Sir,' said the little judge, with a sinister look at the witness.

Poor Mr. Winkle bowed, and endeavoured to feign an easiness of manner, which, in his then state of

'Now, Mr. Winkle,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'attend to me, if you please, Sir; and let me recommend you, for your

own sake, to bear in mind his Lordship's injunctions to be careful. I believe you are a particular friend of Mr.

'Pray, Mr. Winkle, do not evade the question. Are you, or are you not, a particular friend of the defendant's?'

'Will you, or will you not, answer my question, Sir?' 'If you don't answer the question, you'll be committed,

CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 321

'Yes, you are. And why couldn't you say that at once, Sir? Perhaps you know the plaintiff too? Eh, Mr.

'Oh, you don't know her, but you've seen her? Now, have the goodness to tell the gentlemen of the jury what

'I mean that I am not intimate with her, but I have seen her when I went to call on Mr. Pickwick, in Goswell

'Yes, Mr. Winkle, how often? I'll repeat the question for you a dozen times, if you require it, Sir.' And the

learned gentleman, with a firm and steady frown, placed his hands on his hips, and smiled suspiciously to the

On this question there arose the edifying browbeating, customary on such points. First of all, Mr. Winkle

said it was quite impossible for him to say how many times he had seen Mrs. Bardell. Then he was asked if

he had seen her twenty times, to which he replied, 'Certainlymore than that.' Then he was asked whether he

hadn't seen her a hundred timeswhether he couldn't swear that he had seen her more than fifty times

whether he didn't know that he had seen her at least seventyfive times, and so forth; the satisfactory

conclusion which was arrived at, at last, being, that he had better take care of himself, and mind what he was

about. The witness having been by these means reduced to the requisite ebb of nervous perplexity, the

'Pray, Mr. Winkle, do you remember calling on the defendant Pickwick at these apartments in the plaintiff's

'Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the name of Tupman, and another by the name of

'Are they here?' 'Yes, they are,' replied Mr. Winkle, looking very earnestly towards the spot where his friends

'Pray attend to me, Mr. Winkle, and never mind your friends,' said Mr. Skimpin, with another expressive look

at the jury. 'They must tell their stories without any previous consultation with you, if none has yet taken

place (another look at the jury). Now, Sir, tell the gentlemen of the jury what you saw on entering the

defendant's room, on this particular morning. Come; out with it, Sir; we must have it, sooner or later.'

'The defendant, Mr. Pickwick, was holding the plaintiff in his arms, with his hands clasping her waist,' replied

Mr. Winkle with natural hesitation, 'and the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away.'

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'I heard him call Mrs. Bardell a good creature, and I heard him ask her to compose herself, for what a

'Now, Mr. Winkle, I have only one more question to ask you, and I beg you to bear in mind his Lordship's

caution. Will you undertake to swear that Pickwick, the defendant, did not say on the occasion in

question"My dear Mrs. Bardell, you're a good creature; compose yourself to this situation, for to this

'II didn't understand him so, certainly,' said Mr. Winkle, astounded on this ingenious dovetailing of the

few words he had heard. 'I was on the staircase, and couldn't hear distinctly; the impression on my mind is'

'The gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on your mind, Mr. Winkle, which I fear would be of

little service to honest, straightforward men,' interposed Mr. Skimpin. 'You were on the staircase, and didn't

distinctly hear; but you will not swear that Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have quoted? Do I

'No, I will not,' replied Mr. Winkle; and down sat Mr. Skimpin with a triumphant countenance.

Mr. Pickwick's case had not gone off in so particularly happy a manner, up to this point, that it could very

well afford to have any additional suspicion cast upon it. But as it could afford to be placed in a rather better

light, if possible, Mr. Phunky rose for the purpose of getting something important out of Mr. Winkle in

crossexamination. Whether he did get anything important out of him, will immediately appear.

'I believe, Mr. Winkle,' said Mr. Phunky, 'that Mr. Pickwick is not a young man?'

'You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr. Pickwick a long time. Had you ever any reason to

'Oh, no; certainly not;' replied Mr. Winkle with so much eagerness, that Mr. Phunky ought to have got him

out of the box with all possible dispatch. Lawyers hold that there are two kinds of particularly bad

witnessesa reluctant witness, and a toowilling witness; it was Mr. Winkle's fate to figure in both

'I will even go further than this, Mr. Winkle,' continued Mr. Phunky, in a most smooth and complacent

manner. 'Did you ever see anything in Mr. Pickwick's manner and conduct towards the opposite sex, to

induce you to believe that he ever contemplated matrimony of late years, in any case?'

'Has his behaviour, when females have been in the case, always been that of a man, who, having attained a

pretty advanced period of life, content with his own occupations and amusements, treats them only as a father

'Not the least doubt of it,' replied Mr. Winkle, in the fulness of his heart. 'That isyesoh, yescertainly.'

'You have never known anything in his behaviour towards Mrs. Bardell, or any other female, in the least

degree suspicious?' said Mr. Phunky, preparing to sit down; for Serjeant Snubbin was winking at him.

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'Nnno,' replied Mr. Winkle, 'except on one trifling occasion, which, I have no doubt, might be easily

Now, if the unfortunate Mr. Phunky had sat down when Serjeant Snubbin had winked at him, or if Serjeant

Buzfuz had stopped this irregular crossexamination at the outset (which he knew better than to do;

observing Mr. Winkle's anxiety, and well knowing it would, in all probability, lead to something serviceable

to him), this unfortunate admission would not have been elicited. The moment the words fell from Mr.

Winkle's lips, Mr. Phunky sat down, and Serjeant Snubbin rather hastily told him he might leave the box,

which Mr. Winkle prepared to do with great readiness, when Serjeant Buzfuz stopped him.

'Stay, Mr. Winkle, stay!' said Serjeant Buzfuz, 'will your Lordship have the goodness to ask him, what this

one instance of suspicious behaviour towards females on the part of this gentleman, who is old enough to be

'You hear what the learned counsel says, Sir,' observed the judge, turning to the miserable and agonised Mr.

Amid the profound silence of the whole court, Mr. Winkle faltered out, that the trifling circumstance of

suspicion was Mr. Pickwick's being found in a lady's sleepingapartment at midnight; which had terminated,

he believed, in the breaking off of the projected marriage of the lady in question, and had led, he knew, to the

whole party being forcibly carried before George Nupkins, Esq., magistrate and justice of the peace, for the

'You may leave the box, Sir,' said Serjeant Snubbin. Mr. Winkle did leave the box, and rushed with delirious

haste to the George and Vulture, where he was discovered some hours after, by the waiter, groaning in a

Tracy Tupman, and Augustus Snodgrass, were severally called into the box; both corroborated the testimony

of their unhappy friend; and each was driven to the verge of desperation by excessive badgering. Susannah

Sanders was then called, and examined by Serjeant Buzfuz, and crossexamined by Serjeant Snubbin. Had

always said and believed that Pickwick would marry Mrs. Bardell; knew that Mrs. Bardell's being engaged to

Pickwick was the current topic of conversation in the neighbourhood, after the fainting in July; had been told

it herself by Mrs. Mudberry which kept a mangle, and Mrs. Bunkin which clearstarched, but did not see

either Mrs. Mudberry or Mrs. Bunkin in court. Had heard Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to

have another father. Did not know that Mrs. Bardell was at that time keeping company with the baker, but did

know that the baker was then a single man and is now married. Couldn't swear that Mrs. Bardell was not very

fond of the baker, but should think that the baker was not very fond of Mrs. Bardell, or he wouldn't have

married somebody else. Thought Mrs. Bardell fainted away on the morning in July, because Pickwick asked

her to name the day: knew that she (witness) fainted away stone dead when Mr. Sanders asked her to name

the day, and believed that everybody as called herself a lady would do the same, under similar circumstances.

Heard Pickwick ask the boy the question about the marbles, but upon her oath did not know the difference

By the COURT.During the period of her keeping company with Mr. Sanders, had received love letters,

like other ladies. In the course of their correspondence Mr. Sanders had often called her a 'duck,' but never

'chops,' nor yet 'tomato sauce.' He was particularly fond of ducks. Perhaps if he had been as fond of chops and

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Serjeant Buzfuz now rose with more importance than he had yet exhibited, if that were possible, and

It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller; for Samuel Weller stepped briskly into the box the instant his

name was pronounced; and placing his hat on the floor, and his arms on the rail, took a bird'seye view of the

Bar, and a comprehensive survey of the Bench, with a remarkably cheerful and lively aspect. 'What's your

'That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller, my Lord,' replied Sam; 'I never had occasion to spell it

Here a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud, 'Quite right too, Samivel, quite right. Put it down a "we," my

Lord, put it down a "we."' 'Who is that, who dares address the court?' said the little judge, looking up. 'Usher.'

But as the usher didn't find the person, he didn't bring him; and, after a great commotion, all the people who

had got up to look for the culprit, sat down again. The little judge turned to the witness as soon as his

'No, I don't, my Lord,' replied Sam, staring right up into the lantern at the roof of the court.

'If you could have pointed him out, I would have committed him instantly,' said the judge. Sam bowed his

acknowledgments and turned, with unimpaired cheerfulness of countenance, towards Serjeant Buzfuz.

'I believe you are in the service of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant in this case? Speak up, if you please, Mr.

'I mean to speak up, Sir,' replied Sam; 'I am in the service o' that 'ere gen'l'man, and a wery good service it is.'

'Little to do, and plenty to get, I suppose?' said Serjeant Buzfuz, with jocularity. 'Oh, quite enough to get, Sir,

as the soldier said ven they ordered him three hundred and fifty lashes,' replied Sam.

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'You must not tell us what the soldier, or any other man, said, Sir,' interposed the judge; 'it's not evidence.'

'Do you recollect anything particular happening on the morning when you were first engaged by the

'I had a reg'lar new fit out o' clothes that mornin', gen'l'men of the jury,' said Sam, 'and that was a wery

Hereupon there was a general laugh; and the little judge, looking with an angry countenance over his desk,

'So Mr. Pickwick said at the time, my Lord,' replied Sam; 'and I was wery careful o' that 'ere suit o' clothes;

The judge looked sternly at Sam for full two minutes, but Sam's features were so perfectly calm and serene

'Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, folding his arms emphatically, and turning

halfround to the jury, as if in mute assurance that he would bother the witness yet'do you mean to tell me,

Mr. Weller, that you saw nothing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the arms of the defendant,

which you have heard described by the witnesses?' 'Certainly not,' replied Sam; 'I was in the passage till they

'Now, attend, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, dipping a large pen into the inkstand before him, for the

purpose of frightening Sam with a show of taking down his answer. 'You were in the passage, and yet saw

'Yes, I have a pair of eyes,' replied Sam, 'and that's just it. If they wos a pair o' patent double million

magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power, p'raps I might be able to see through a flight o' stairs and a deal

At this answer, which was delivered without the slightest appearance of irritation, and with the most complete

simplicity and equanimity of manner, the spectators tittered, the little judge smiled, and Serjeant Buzfuz

looked particularly foolish. After a short consultation with Dodson Fogg, the learned Serjeant again turned

towards Sam, and said, with a painful effort to conceal his vexation, 'Now, Mr. Weller, I'll ask you a question

'Do you remember going up to Mrs. Bardell's house, one night in November last?' 'Oh, yes, wery well.'

'Oh, you do remember that, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, recovering his spirits; 'I thought we should get

'I rayther thought that, too, sir,' replied Sam; and at this the spectators tittered again.

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'Well; I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this trialeh, Mr. Weller?' said Serjeant Buzfuz,

'I went up to pay the rent; but we did get atalkin' about the trial,' replied Sam.

'Oh, you did get atalking about the trial,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, brightening up with the anticipation of some

important discovery. 'Now, what passed about the trial; will you have the goodness to tell us, Mr. Weller'?'

'Vith all the pleasure in life, sir,' replied Sam. 'Arter a few unimportant obserwations from the two wirtuous

females as has been examined here today, the ladies gets into a very great state o' admiration at the

honourable conduct of Mr. Dodson and Foggthem two gen'l'men as is settin' near you now.' This, of

course, drew general attention to Dodson Fogg, who looked as virtuous as possible.

'The attorneys for the plaintiff,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz. 'Well! They spoke in high praise of the honourable

'Yes,' said Sam, 'they said what a wery gen'rous thing it was o' them to have taken up the case on spec, and to

At this very unexpected reply, the spectators tittered again, and Dodson Fogg, turning very red, leaned over to

'You are quite right,' said Serjeant Buzfuz aloud, with affected composure. 'It's perfectly useless, my Lord,

attempting to get at any evidence through the impenetrable stupidity of this witness. I will not trouble the

'Would any other gen'l'man like to ask me anythin'?' inquired Sam, taking up his hat, and looking round most

'You may go down, sir,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, waving his hand impatiently. Sam went down accordingly,

after doing Messrs. Dodson Fogg's case as much harm as he conveniently could, and saying just as little

respecting Mr. Pickwick as might be, which was precisely the object he had had in view all along.

'I have no objection to admit, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin, 'if it will save the examination of another

witness, that Mr. Pickwick has retired from business, and is a gentleman of considerable independent

'Very well,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, putting in the two letters to be read, 'then that's my case, my Lord.'

Serjeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on behalf of the defendant; and a very long and a very emphatic

address he delivered, in which he bestowed the highest possible eulogiums on the conduct and character of

Mr. Pickwick; but inasmuch as our readers are far better able to form a correct estimate of that gentleman's

merits and deserts, than Serjeant Snubbin could possibly be, we do not feel called upon to enter at any length

into the learned gentleman's observations. He attempted to show that the letters which had been exhibited,

merely related to Mr. Pickwick's dinner, or to the preparations for receiving him in his apartments on his

return from some country excursion. It is sufficient to add in general terms, that he did the best he could for

Mr. Pickwick; and the best, as everybody knows, on the infallible authority of the old adage, could do no

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Mr. Justice Stareleigh summed up, in the oldestablished and most approved form. He read as much of his

notes to the jury as he could decipher on so short a notice, and made running comments on the evidence as

he went along. If Mrs. Bardell were right, it was perfectly clear that Mr. Pickwick was wrong, and if they

thought the evidence of Mrs. Cluppins worthy of credence they would believe it, and, if they didn't, why, they

wouldn't. If they were satisfied that a breach of promise of marriage had been committed they would find for

the plaintiff with such damages as they thought proper; and if, on the other hand, it appeared to them that no

promise of marriage had ever been given, they would find for the defendant with no damages at all. The jury

then retired to their private room to talk the matter over, and the judge retired to HIS private room, to refresh

himself with a mutton chop and a glass of sherry. An anxious quarter of a hour elapsed; the jury came back;

the judge was fetched in. Mr. Pickwick put on his spectacles, and gazed at the foreman with an agitated

'Gentlemen,' said the individual in black, 'are you all agreed upon your verdict?'

'Do you find for the plaintiff, gentlemen, or for the defendant?' 'For the plaintiff.'

Mr. Pickwick took off his spectacles, carefully wiped the glasses, folded them into their case, and put them in

his pocket; then, having drawn on his gloves with great nicety, and stared at the foreman all the while, he

They stopped in a side room while Perker paid the court fees; and here, Mr. Pickwick was joined by his

friends. Here, too, he encountered Messrs. Dodson Fogg, rubbing their hands with every token of outward

'You may try, and try, and try again, Messrs. Dodson and Fogg,' said Mr. Pickwick vehemently,'but not one

farthing of costs or damages do you ever get from me, if I spend the rest of my existence in a debtor's prison.'

'Ha! ha!' laughed Dodson. 'You'll think better of that, before next term, Mr. Pickwick.'

Speechless with indignation, Mr. Pickwick allowed himself to be led by his solicitor and friends to the door,

and there assisted into a hackneycoach, which had been fetched for the purpose, by the everwatchful Sam

Sam had put up the steps, and was preparing to jump upon the box, when he felt himself gently touched on

the shoulder; and, looking round, his father stood before him. The old gentleman's countenance wore a

CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK 328

'I know'd what 'ud come o' this here mode o' doin' bisness. Oh, Sammy, Sammy, vy worn't there a alleybi!'

'But surely, my dear sir,' said little Perker, as he stood in Mr. Pickwick's apartment on the morning after the

trial, 'surely you don't really meanreally and seriously now, and irritation apartthat you won't pay these

'Hooroar for the principle, as the moneylender said ven he vouldn't renew the bill,' observed Mr. Weller,

'Cert'nly, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; and acting on Mr. Pickwick's gentle hint, Sam retired.

'No, Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great seriousness of manner, 'my friends here have endeavoured to

dissuade me from this determination, but without avail. I shall employ myself as usual, until the opposite

party have the power of issuing a legal process of execution against me; and if they are vile enough to avail

themselves of it, and to arrest my person, I shall yield myself up with perfect cheerfulness and content of

'They can issue execution, my dear Sir, for the amount of the damages and taxed costs, next term,' replied

'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Until that time, my dear fellow, let me hear no more of the matter. And now,'

continued Mr. Pickwick, looking round on his friends with a good humoured smile, and a sparkle in the eye

which no spectacles could dim or conceal, 'the only question is, Where shall we go next?'

Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were too much affected by their friend's heroism to offer any reply. Mr.

Winkle had not yet sufficiently recovered the recollection of his evidence at the trial, to make any observation

'Well,' said that gentleman, 'if you leave me to suggest our destination, I say Bath. I think none of us have

Nobody had; and as the proposition was warmly seconded by Perker, who considered it extremely probable

that if Mr. Pickwick saw a little change and gaiety he would be inclined to think better of his determination,

and worse of a debtor's prison, it was carried unanimously; and Sam was at once despatched to the White

Horse Cellar, to take five places by the halfpast seven o'clock coach, next morning.

There were just two places to be had inside, and just three to be had out; so Sam Weller booked for them all,

and having exchanged a few compliments with the bookingoffice clerk on the subject of a pewter

halfcrown which was tendered him as a portion of his 'change,' walked back to the George and Vulture,

where he was pretty busily employed until bedtime in reducing clothes and linen into the smallest possible

compass, and exerting his mechanical genius in constructing a variety of ingenious devices for keeping the

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 329

The next was a very unpropitious morning for a journey muggy, damp, and drizzly. The horses in the

stages that were going out, and had come through the city, were smoking so, that the outside passengers were

invisible. The newspapersellers looked moist, and smelled mouldy; the wet ran off the hats of the

orangevendors as they thrust their heads into the coach windows, and diluted the insides in a refreshing

manner. The Jews with the fiftybladed penknives shut them up in despair; the men with the pocketbooks

made pocketbooks of them. Watch guards and toastingforks were alike at a discount, and pencil cases

Leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from the seven or eight porters who flung themselves savagely

upon it, the moment the coach stopped, and finding that they were about twenty minutes too early, Mr.

Pickwick and his friends went for shelter into the travellers' roomthe last resource of human dejection.

The travellers' room at the White Horse Cellar is of course uncomfortable; it would be no travellers' room if it

were not. It is the righthand parlour, into which an aspiring kitchen fireplace appears to have walked,

accompanied by a rebellious poker, tongs, and shovel. It is divided into boxes, for the solitary confinement of

travellers, and is furnished with a clock, a lookingglass, and a live waiter, which latter article is kept in a

One of these boxes was occupied, on this particular occasion, by a sterneyed man of about fiveandforty,

who had a bald and glossy forehead, with a good deal of black hair at the sides and back of his head, and

large black whiskers. He was buttoned up to the chin in a brown coat; and had a large sealskin travelling

cap, and a greatcoat and cloak, lying on the seat beside him. He looked up from his breakfast as Mr. Pickwick

entered, with a fierce and peremptory air, which was very dignified; and, having scrutinised that gentleman

and his companions to his entire satisfaction, hummed a tune, in a manner which seemed to say that he rather

'Sir?' replied a man with a dirty complexion, and a towel of the same, emerging from the kennel before

The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune in the same manner as before, and pending the arrival of the

toast, advanced to the front of the fire, and, taking his coat tails under his arms, looked at his boots and

'I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts up,' said Mr. Pickwick, mildly addressing Mr. Winkle.

'I made an observation to my friend, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, always ready to enter into conversation. 'I

wondered at what house the Bath coach put up. Perhaps you can inform me.' 'Are you going to Bath?' said the

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 330

'No, not all of you,' said the strange man emphatically. 'I've taken two places. If they try to squeeze six people

into an infernal box that only holds four, I'll take a postchaise and bring an action. I've paid my fare. It won't

do; I told the clerk when I took my places that it wouldn't do. I know these things have been done. I know

they are done every day; but I never was done, and I never will be. Those who know me best, best know it;

crush me!' Here the fierce gentleman rang the bell with great violence, and told the waiter he'd better bring

'My good sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you will allow me to observe that this is a very unnecessary display of

'I am glad to hear it,' said the fierce man. 'I withdraw my expressions. I tender an apology. There's my card.

'With great pleasure, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'We are to be fellowtravellers, and I hope we shall find each

'I hope we shall,' said the fierce gentleman. 'I know we shall. I like your looks; they please me. Gentlemen,

Of course, an interchange of friendly salutations followed this gracious speech; and the fierce gentleman

immediately proceeded to inform the friends, in the same short, abrupt, jerking sentences, that his name was

Dowler; that he was going to Bath on pleasure; that he was formerly in the army; that he had now set up in

business as a gentleman; that he lived upon the profits; and that the individual for whom the second place was

'I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. 'You shall,' replied Dowler. 'She

shall know you. She shall esteem you. I courted her under singular circumstances. I won her through a rash

vow. Thus. I saw her; I loved her; I proposed; she refused me."You love another?""Spare my

blushes." "I know him.""You do.""Very good; if he remains here, I'll skin him."'

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 331

'I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him. My character was at stake. I had no alternative. As

an officer in His Majesty's service, I was bound to skin him. I regretted the necessity, but it must be done. He

was open to conviction. He saw that the rules of the service were imperative. He fled. I married her. Here's

As Mr. Dowler concluded, he pointed to a stage which had just driven up, from the open window of which a

rather pretty face in a bright blue bonnet was looking among the crowd on the pavement, most probably for

the rash man himself. Mr. Dowler paid his bill, and hurried out with his travelling cap, coat, and cloak; and

Mr. Pickwick and his friends followed to secure their places. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had seated

themselves at the back part of the coach; Mr. Winkle had got inside; and Mr. Pickwick was preparing to

follow him, when Sam Weller came up to his master, and whispering in his ear, begged to speak to him, with

'This here, Sir,' rejoined Sam. 'I'm wery much afeerd, sir, that the properiator o' this here coach is a playin'

'The names is not only down on the vaybill, Sir,' replied Sam, 'but they've painted vun on 'em up, on the

door o' the coach.' As Sam spoke, he pointed to that part of the coach door on which the proprietor's name

usually appears; and there, sure enough, in gilt letters of a goodly size, was the magic name of PICKWICK!

'Dear me,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite staggered by the coincidence; 'what a very extraordinary thing!'

'Yes, but that ain't all,' said Sam, again directing his master's attention to the coach door; 'not content vith

writin' up "Pick wick," they puts "Moses" afore it, vich I call addin' insult to injury, as the parrot said ven

they not only took him from his native land, but made him talk the English langwidge arterwards.'

'It's odd enough, certainly, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but if we stand talking here, we shall lose our places.'

'Wot, ain't nothin' to be done in consequence, sir?' exclaimed Sam, perfectly aghast at the coolness with

'Done!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What should be done?' 'Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty,

sir?' said Mr. Weller, who had expected that at least he would have been commissioned to challenge the

'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick eagerly; 'not on any account. Jump up to your seat directly.'

'I am wery much afeered,' muttered Sam to himself, as he turned away, 'that somethin' queer's come over the

governor, or he'd never ha' stood this so quiet. I hope that 'ere trial hasn't broke his spirit, but it looks bad,

wery bad.' Mr. Weller shook his head gravely; and it is worthy of remark, as an illustration of the manner in

which he took this circumstance to heart, that he did not speak another word until the coach reached the

Kensington turnpike. Which was so long a time for him to remain taciturn, that the fact may be considered

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 332

Nothing worthy of special mention occurred during the journey. Mr. Dowler related a variety of anecdotes,

all illustrative of his own personal prowess and desperation, and appealed to Mrs. Dowler in corroboration

thereof; when Mrs. Dowler invariably brought in, in the form of an appendix, some remarkable fact or

circumstance which Mr. Dowler had forgotten, or had perhaps through modesty, omitted; for the addenda in

every instance went to show that Mr. Dowler was even a more wonderful fellow than he made himself out to

be. Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle listened with great admiration, and at intervals conversed with Mrs.

Dowler, who was a very agreeable and fascinating person. So, what between Mr. Dowler's stories, and Mrs.

Dowler's charms, and Mr. Pickwick's goodhumour, and Mr. Winkle's good listening, the insides contrived to

be very companionable all the way. The outsides did as outsides always do. They were very cheerful and

talkative at the beginning of every stage, and very dismal and sleepy in the middle, and very bright and

wakeful again towards the end. There was one young gentleman in an Indiarubber cloak, who smoked

cigars all day; and there was another young gentleman in a parody upon a greatcoat, who lighted a good

many, and feeling obviously unsettled after the second whiff, threw them away when he thought nobody was

looking at him. There was a third young man on the box who wished to be learned in cattle; and an old one

behind, who was familiar with farming. There was a constant succession of Christian names in smockfrocks

and white coats, who were invited to have a 'lift' by the guard, and who knew every horse and hostler on the

road and off it; and there was a dinner which would have been cheap at halfa crown a mouth, if any

moderate number of mouths could have eaten it in the time. And at seven o'clock P.m. Mr. Pickwick and his

friends, and Mr. Dowler and his wife, respectively retired to their private sittingrooms at the White Hart

Hotel, opposite the Great Pump Room, Bath, where the waiters, from their costume, might be mistaken for

Westminster boys, only they destroy the illusion by behaving themselves much better. Breakfast had scarcely

been cleared away on the succeeding morning, when a waiter brought in Mr. Dowler's card, with a request to

be allowed permission to introduce a friend. Mr. Dowler at once followed up the delivery of the card, by

The friend was a charming young man of not much more than fifty, dressed in a very bright blue coat with

resplendent buttons, black trousers, and the thinnest possible pair of highlypolished boots. A gold eyeglass

was suspended from his neck by a short, broad, black ribbon; a gold snuffbox was lightly clasped in his left

hand; gold rings innumerable glittered on his fingers; and a large diamond pin set in gold glistened in his shirt

frill. He had a gold watch, and a gold curb chain with large gold seals; and he carried a pliant ebony cane

with a gold top. His linen was of the very whitest, finest, and stiffest; his wig of the glossiest, blackest, and

curliest. His snuff was princes' mixture; his scent BOUQUET DU ROI. His features were contracted into a

perpetual smile; and his teeth were in such perfect order that it was difficult at a small distance to tell the real

'Mr. Pickwick,' said Mr. Dowler; 'my friend, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C.; Bantam; Mr. Pickwick.

'Welcome to Baath, Sir. This is indeed an acquisition. Most welcome to Baath, sir. It is longvery long,

Mr. Pickwick, since you drank the waters. It appears an age, Mr. Pickwick. Remarkable!'

Such were the expressions with which Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C., took Mr. Pickwick's hand;

retaining it in his, meantime, and shrugging up his shoulders with a constant succession of bows, as if he

'It is a very long time since I drank the waters, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'for, to the best of my

'Never in Baath, Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed the Grand Master, letting the hand fall in astonishment. 'Never in

Baath! He! he! Mr. Pickwick, you are a wag. Not bad, not bad. Good, good. He! he! he! Remarkable!'

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 333

'To my shame, I must say that I am perfectly serious,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'I really never was here before.'

'Oh, I see,' exclaimed the Grand Master, looking extremely pleased; 'yes, yesgood, goodbetter and

better. You are the gentleman of whom we have heard. Yes; we know you, Mr. Pickwick; we know you.'

'The reports of the trial in those confounded papers,' thought Mr. Pickwick. 'They have heard all about me.'

'You are the gentleman residing on Clapham Green,' resumed Bantam, 'who lost the use of his limbs from

imprudently taking cold after port wine; who could not be moved in consequence of acute suffering, and who

had the water from the king's bath bottled at one hundred and three degrees, and sent by wagon to his

bedroom in town, where he bathed, sneezed, and the same day recovered. Very remarkable!'

Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which the supposition implied, but had the selfdenial to

repudiate it, notwithstanding; and taking advantage of a moment's silence on the part of the M.C., begged to

introduce his friends, Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. An introduction which overwhelmed the

'Bantam,' said Mr. Dowler, 'Mr. Pickwick and his friends are strangers. They must put their names down.

'The register of the distinguished visitors in Baath will be at the Pump Room this morning at two o'clock,'

replied the M.C. 'Will you guide our friends to that splendid building, and enable me to procure their

'I will,' rejoined Dowler. 'This is a long call. It's time to go. I shall be here again in an hour. Come.'

'This is a ballnight,' said the M.C., again taking Mr. Pickwick's hand, as he rose to go. 'The ballnights in

Baath are moments snatched from paradise; rendered bewitching by music, beauty, elegance, fashion,

etiquette, andandabove all, by the absence of tradespeople, who are quite inconsistent with paradise,

and who have an amalgamation of themselves at the Guildhall every fortnight, which is, to say the least,

remarkable. Goodbye, goodbye!' and protesting all the way downstairs that he was most satisfied, and

most delighted, and most overpowered, and most flattered, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C., stepped

At the appointed hour, Mr. Pickwick and his friends, escorted by Dowler, repaired to the Assembly Rooms,

and wrote their names down in the bookan instance of condescension at which Angelo Bantam was even

more overpowered than before. Tickets of admission to that evening's assembly were to have been prepared

for the whole party, but as they were not ready, Mr. Pickwick undertook, despite all the protestations to the

contrary of Angelo Bantam, to send Sam for them at four o'clock in the afternoon, to the M.C.'s house in

Queen Square. Having taken a short walk through the city, and arrived at the unanimous conclusion that Park

Street was very much like the perpendicular streets a man sees in a dream, which he cannot get up for the life

of him, they returned to the White Hart, and despatched Sam on the errand to which his master had pledged

Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and graceful manner, and, thrusting his hands in his waistcoat

pockets, walked with great deliberation to Queen Square, whistling as he went along, several of the most

popular airs of the day, as arranged with entirely new movements for that noble instrument the organ, either

mouth or barrel. Arriving at the number in Queen Square to which he had been directed, he left off whistling

and gave a cheerful knock, which was instantaneously answered by a powderedheaded footman in gorgeous

'is this here Mr. Bantam's, old feller?' inquired Sam Weller, nothing abashed by the blaze of splendour which

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 334

burst upon his sight in the person of the powderedheaded footman with the gorgeous livery.

''Cos if it is, jist you step in to him with that 'ere card, and say Mr. Veller's awaitin', will you?' said Sam.

The powderedheaded footman slammed the door very hard, and scowled very grandly; but both the slam

and the scowl were lost upon Sam, who was regarding a mahogany umbrellastand with every outward token

Apparently his master's reception of the card had impressed the powderedheaded footman in Sam's favour,

for when he came back from delivering it, he smiled in a friendly manner, and said that the answer would be

'Wery good,' said Sam. 'Tell the old gen'l'm'n not to put himself in a perspiration. No hurry, sixfoot. I've had

'Have you been long in Bath, sir?' inquired the powdered headed footman. 'I have not had the pleasure of

'I haven't created any wery surprisin' sensation here, as yet,' rejoined Sam, 'for me and the other fash'nables

'Pleasant society, sir,' remarked the powderedheaded footman. 'Very agreeable servants, sir.'

'I should think they wos,' replied Sam. 'Affable, unaffected, saynothin'tonobody sorts o' fellers.'

'Oh, very much so, indeed, sir,' said the powderedheaded footman, taking Sam's remarks as a high

compliment. 'Very much so indeed. Do you do anything in this way, Sir?' inquired the tall footman,

'Why, it IS difficult, sir, I confess,' said the tall footman. 'It may be done by degrees, Sir. Coffee is the best

practice. I carried coffee, Sir, for a long time. It looks very like rappee, sir.'

Here, a sharp peal at the bell reduced the powderedheaded footman to the ignominious necessity of putting

the fox's head in his pocket, and hastening with a humble countenance to Mr. Bantam's 'study.' By the bye,

who ever knew a man who never read or wrote either, who hadn't got some small back parlour which he

'There is the answer, sir,' said the powderedheaded footman. 'I'm afraid you'll find it inconveniently large.'

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 335

'Don't mention it,' said Sam, taking a letter with a small enclosure. 'It's just possible as exhausted natur' may

'I hope we shall meet again, Sir,' said the powderedheaded footman, rubbing his hands, and following Sam

'You are wery obligin', sir,' replied Sam. 'Now, don't allow yourself to be fatigued beyond your powers;

there's a amiable bein'. Consider what you owe to society, and don't let yourself be injured by too much work.

For the sake o' your fellercreeturs, keep yourself as quiet as you can; only think what a loss you would be!'

'A very singular young man that,' said the powderedheaded footman, looking after Mr. Weller, with a

Sam said nothing at all. He winked, shook his head, smiled, winked again; and, with an expression of

countenance which seemed to denote that he was greatly amused with something or other, walked merrily

At precisely twenty minutes before eight o'clock that night, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esq., the Master of the

Ceremonies, emerged from his chariot at the door of the Assembly Rooms in the same wig, the same teeth,

the same eyeglass, the same watch and seals, the same rings, the same shirtpin, and the same cane. The

only observable alterations in his appearance were, that he wore a brighter blue coat, with a white silk lining,

black tights, black silk stockings, and pumps, and a white waistcoat, and was, if possible, just a thought more

Thus attired, the Master of the Ceremonies, in strict discharge of the important duties of his allimportant

Bath being full, the company, and the sixpences for tea, poured in, in shoals. In the ballroom, the long

cardroom, the octagonal cardroom, the staircases, and the passages, the hum of many voices, and the

sound of many feet, were perfectly bewildering. Dresses rustled, feathers waved, lights shone, and jewels

sparkled. There was the musicnot of the quadrille band, for it had not yet commenced; but the music of

soft, tiny footsteps, with now and then a clear, merry laughlow and gentle, but very pleasant to hear in a

female voice, whether in Bath or elsewhere. Brilliant eyes, lighted up with pleasurable expectation, gleamed

from every side; and, look where you would, some exquisite form glided gracefully through the throng, and

In the tearoom, and hovering round the cardtables, were a vast number of queer old ladies, and decrepit old

gentlemen, discussing all the small talk and scandal of the day, with a relish and gusto which sufficiently

bespoke the intensity of the pleasure they derived from the occupation. Mingled with these groups, were three

or four matchmaking mammas, appearing to be wholly absorbed by the conversation in which they were

taking part, but failing not from time to time to cast an anxious sidelong glance upon their daughters, who,

remembering the maternal injunction to make the best use of their youth, had already commenced incipient

flirtations in the mislaying scarves, putting on gloves, setting down cups, and so forth; slight matters

apparently, but which may be turned to surprisingly good account by expert practitioners.

Lounging near the doors, and in remote corners, were various knots of silly young men, displaying various

varieties of puppyism and stupidity; amusing all sensible people near them with their folly and conceit; and

happily thinking themselves the objects of general admirationa wise and merciful dispensation which no

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 336

And lastly, seated on some of the back benches, where they had already taken up their positions for the

evening, were divers unmarried ladies past their grand climacteric, who, not dancing because there were no

partners for them, and not playing cards lest they should be set down as irretrievably single, were in the

favourable situation of being able to abuse everybody without reflecting on themselves. In short, they could

abuse everybody, because everybody was there. It was a scene of gaiety, glitter, and show; of richlydressed

people, handsome mirrors, chalked floors, girandoles and waxcandles; and in all parts of the scene, gliding

from spot to spot in silent softness, bowing obsequiously to this party, nodding familiarly to that, and smiling

complacently on all, was the sprucelyattired person of Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, the Master of the

'Stop in the tearoom. Take your sixpenn'orth. Then lay on hot water, and call it tea. Drink it,' said Mr.

Dowler, in a loud voice, directing Mr. Pickwick, who advanced at the head of the little party, with Mrs.

Dowler on his arm. Into the tearoom Mr. Pickwick turned; and catching sight of him, Mr. Bantam

'My dear Sir, I am highly honoured. Baath is favoured. Mrs. Dowler, you embellish the rooms. I

'Anybody! The ELITE of Baath. Mr. Pickwick, do you see the old lady in the gauze turban?'

'Hush, my dear sirnobody's fat or old in Baath. That's the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph.'

'No less a person, I assure you,' said the Master of the Ceremonies. 'Hush. Draw a little nearer, Mr. Pickwick.

'The one with the long hair, and the particularly small forehead?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.

'Yes. You'll hear his voice in a moment, Mr. Pickwick. He'll speak to me. The other gentleman with him, in

the red under waistcoat and dark moustache, is the Honourable Mr. Crushton, his bosom friend. How do

'Have you seen his Lordship's mailcart, Bantam?' inquired the Honourable Mr. Crushton, after a short pause,

during which young Lord Mutanhed had been endeavouring to stare Mr. Pickwick out of countenance, and

Mr. Crushton had been reflecting what subject his Lordship could talk about best.

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 337

'Dear me, no,' replied the M.C.'A mailcart! What an excellent idea. Remarkable!'

'Gwacious heavens!' said his Lordship, 'I thought evewebody had seen the new mailcart; it's the neatest,

pwettiest, gwacefullest thing that ever wan upon wheels. Painted wed, with a cweam piebald.'

'With a real box for the letters, and all complete,' said the Honourable Mr. Crushton.

'And a little seat in fwont, with an iwon wail, for the dwiver,' added his Lordship. 'I dwove it over to Bwistol

the other morning, in a cwimson coat, with two servants widing a quarter of a mile behind; and confound me

if the people didn't wush out of their cottages, and awest my pwogwess, to know if I wasn't the post.

At this anecdote his Lordship laughed very heartily, as did the listeners, of course. Then, drawing his arm

The dancing having commenced, the necessary introductions having been made, and all preliminaries

Just at the very moment of their entrance, the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph and two other ladies of an ancient

and whistlike appearance, were hovering over an unoccupied cardtable; and they no sooner set eyes upon

Mr. Pickwick under the convoy of Angelo Bantam, than they exchanged glances with each other, seeing that

'My dear Bantam,' said the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph coaxingly, 'find us some nice creature to make up this

table; there's a good soul.' Mr. Pickwick happened to be looking another way at the moment, so her Ladyship

'My friend Mr. Pickwick, my Lady, will be most happy, I am sure, remarkably so,' said the M.C., taking the

Mr. Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies, and, finding escape impossible, cut. Mr. Pickwick and Miss Bolo

against Lady Snuphanuph and Mrs. Colonel Wugsby. As the trump card was turned up, at the commencement

of the second deal, two young ladies hurried into the room, and took their stations on either side of Mrs.

'Now, Jane,' said Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, turning to one of the girls, 'what is it?' 'I came to ask, ma, whether I

might dance with the youngest Mr. Crawley,' whispered the prettier and younger of the two.

'Good God, Jane, how can you think of such things?' replied the mamma indignantly. 'Haven't you repeatedly

heard that his father has eight hundred a year, which dies with him? I am ashamed of you. Not on any

'Ma,' whispered the other, who was much older than her sister, and very insipid and artificial, 'Lord Mutanhed

'You're a sweet pet, my love,' replied Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, tapping her daughter's cheek with her fan, 'and

are always to be trusted. He's immensely rich, my dear. Bless you!' With these words Mrs. Colonel Wugsby

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY 338

kissed her eldest daughter most affectionately, and frowning in a warning manner upon the other, sorted her

Poor Mr. Pickwick! he had never played with three thorough paced female cardplayers before. They were

so desperately sharp, that they quite frightened him. If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small

armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw

herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at

which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered

whether he ever would begin. Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal

countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led the club, or

roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the

king, or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to

plead any justification whatever, having by this time forgotten all about the game. People came and looked

on, too, which made Mr. Pickwick nervous. Besides all this, there was a great deal of distracting conversation

near the table, between Angelo Bantam and the two Misses Matinter, who, being single and singular, paid

great court to the Master of the Ceremonies, in the hope of getting a stray partner now and then. All these

things, combined with the noises and interruptions of constant comings in and goings out, made Mr.

Pickwick play rather badly; the cards were against him, also; and when they left off at ten minutes past

eleven, Miss Bolo rose from the table considerably agitated, and went straight home, in a flood of tears and a

Being joined by his friends, who one and all protested that they had scarcely ever spent a more pleasant

evening, Mr. Pickwick accompanied them to the White Hart, and having soothed his feelings with something

As Mr. Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least two months in Bath, he deemed it advisable to take private

lodgings for himself and friends for that period; and as a favourable opportunity offered for their securing, on

moderate terms, the upper portion of a house in the Royal Crescent, which was larger than they required, Mr.

and Mrs. Dowler offered to relieve them of a bedroom and sittingroom. This proposition was at once

accepted, and in three days' time they were all located in their new abode, when Mr. Pickwick began to drink

the waters with the utmost assiduity. Mr. Pickwick took them systematically. He drank a quarter of a pint

before breakfast, and then walked up a hill; and another quarter of a pint after breakfast, and then walked

down a hill; and, after every fresh quarter of a pint, Mr. Pickwick declared, in the most solemn and emphatic

terms, that he felt a great deal better; whereat his friends were very much delighted, though they had not been

The Great Pump Room is a spacious saloon, ornamented with Corinthian pillars, and a musicgallery, and a

Tompion clock, and a statue of Nash, and a golden inscription, to which all the waterdrinkers should attend,

for it appeals to them in the cause of a deserving charity. There is a large bar with a marble vase, out of which

the pumper gets the water; and there are a number of yellowlooking tumblers, out of which the company get

it; and it is a most edifying and satisfactory sight to behold the perseverance and gravity with which they

swallow it. There are baths near at hand, in which a part of the company wash themselves; and a band plays

afterwards, to congratulate the remainder on their having done so. There is another pump room, into which

infirm ladies and gentlemen are wheeled, in such an astonishing variety of chairs and chaises, that any

adventurous individual who goes in with the regular number of toes, is in imminent danger of coming out

without them; and there is a third, into which the quiet people go, for it is less noisy than either. There is an

CHAPTER XXXVI. THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND TO BE AN AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD, AND A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CALAMITY THAT BEFELL Mr. WINKLE 339

immensity of promenading, on crutches and off, with sticks and without, and a great deal of conversation, and

Every morning, the regular waterdrinkers, Mr. Pickwick among the number, met each other in the pump

room, took their quarter of a pint, and walked constitutionally. At the afternoon's promenade, Lord Mutanhed,

and the Honourable Mr. Crushton, the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph, Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, and all the great

people, and all the morning waterdrinkers, met in grand assemblage. After this, they walked out, or drove

out, or were pushed out in bathchairs, and met one another again. After this, the gentlemen went to the

readingrooms, and met divisions of the mass. After this, they went home. If it were theatrenight, perhaps

they met at the theatre; if it were assemblynight, they met at the rooms; and if it were neither, they met the

Mr. Pickwick was sitting up by himself, after a day spent in this manner, making entries in his journal, his

friends having retired to bed, when he was roused by a gentle tap at the room door.

'Beg your pardon, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock, the landlady, peeping in; 'but did you want anything more, sir?'

'My young girl is gone to bed, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock; 'and Mr. Dowler is good enough to say that he'll sit

up for Mrs. Dowler, as the party isn't expected to be over till late; so I was thinking that if you wanted

'By all means, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Wish you goodnight, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock.

In half an hour's time the entries were concluded. Mr. Pickwick carefully rubbed the last page on the

blottingpaper, shut up the book, wiped his pen on the bottom of the inside of his coat tail, and opened the

drawer of the inkstand to put it carefully away. There were a couple of sheets of writingpaper, pretty closely

written over, in the inkstand drawer, and they were folded so, that the title, which was in a good round hand,

was fully disclosed to him. Seeing from this, that it was no private document; and as it seemed to relate to

Bath, and was very short: Mr. Pick wick unfolded it, lighted his bedroom candle that it might burn up well

'Less than two hundred years ago, on one of the public baths in this city, there appeared an inscription in

honour of its mighty founder, the renowned Prince Bladud. That inscription is now erased.

'For many hundred years before that time, there had been handed down, from age to age, an old legend, that

the illustrious prince being afflicted with leprosy, on his return from reaping a rich harvest of knowledge in

Athens, shunned the court of his royal father, and consorted moodily with husbandman and pigs. Among the

herd (so said the legend) was a pig of grave and solemn countenance, with whom the prince had a

fellowfeeling for he too was wisea pig of thoughtful and reserved demeanour; an animal superior to

his fellows, whose grunt was terrible, and whose bite was sharp. The young prince sighed deeply as he looked

upon the countenance of the majestic swine; he thought of his royal father, and his eyes were bedewed with

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'This sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich, moist mud. Not in summer, as common pigs do now, to cool

themselves, and did even in those distant ages (which is a proof that the light of civilisation had already

begun to dawn, though feebly), but in the cold, sharp days of winter. His coat was ever so sleek, and his

complexion so clear, that the prince resolved to essay the purifying qualities of the same water that his friend

resorted to. He made the trial. Beneath that black mud, bubbled the hot springs of Bath. He washed, and was

cured. Hastening to his father's court, he paid his best respects, and returning quickly hither, founded this city

'He sought the pig with all the ardour of their early friendship but, alas! the waters had been his death. He

had imprudently taken a bath at too high a temperature, and the natural philosopher was no more! He was

'A great many centuries since, there flourished, in great state, the famous and renowned Lud Hudibras, king

of Britain. He was a mighty monarch. The earth shook when he walkedhe was so very stout. His people

basked in the light of his countenanceit was so red and glowing. He was, indeed, every inch a king. And

there were a good many inches of him, too, for although he was not very tall, he was a remarkable size round,

and the inches that he wanted in height, he made up in circumference. If any degenerate monarch of modern

times could be in any way compared with him, I should say the venerable King Cole would be that illustrious

'This good king had a queen, who eighteen years before, had had a son, who was called Bladud. He was sent

to a preparatory seminary in his father's dominions until he was ten years old, and was then despatched, in

charge of a trusty messenger, to a finishing school at Athens; and as there was no extra charge for remaining

during the holidays, and no notice required previous to the removal of a pupil, there he remained for eight

long years, at the expiration of which time, the king his father sent the lord chamberlain over, to settle the

bill, and to bring him home; which, the lord chamberlain doing, was received with shouts, and pensioned

'When King Lud saw the prince his son, and found he had grown up such a fine young man, he perceived

what a grand thing it would be to have him married without delay, so that his children might be the means of

perpetuating the glorious race of Lud, down to the very latest ages of the world. With this view, he sent a

special embassy, composed of great noblemen who had nothing particular to do, and wanted lucrative

employment, to a neighbouring king, and demanded his fair daughter in marriage for his son; stating at the

same time that he was anxious to be on the most affectionate terms with his brother and friend, but that if

they couldn't agree in arranging this marriage, he should be under the unpleasant necessity of invading his

kingdom and putting his eyes out. To this, the other king (who was the weaker of the two) replied that he was

very much obliged to his friend and brother for all his goodness and magnanimity, and that his daughter was

'This answer no sooner reached Britain, than the whole nation was transported with joy. Nothing was heard,

on all sides, but the sounds of feasting and revelryexcept the chinking of money as it was paid in by the

people to the collector of the royal treasures, to defray the expenses of the happy ceremony. It was upon this

occasion that King Lud, seated on the top of his throne in full council, rose, in the exuberance of his feelings,

and commanded the lord chief justice to order in the richest wines and the court minstrelsan act of

graciousness which has been, through the ignorance of traditionary historians, attributed to King Cole, in

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Which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King Lud, and a dishonest exaltation of the virtues of King

'But, in the midst of all this festivity and rejoicing, there was one individual present, who tasted not when the

sparkling wines were poured forth, and who danced not, when the minstrels played. This was no other than

Prince Bladud himself, in honour of whose happiness a whole people were, at that very moment, straining

alike their throats and pursestrings. The truth was, that the prince, forgetting the undoubted right of the

minister for foreign affairs to fall in love on his behalf, had, contrary to every precedent of policy and

diplomacy, already fallen in love on his own account, and privately contracted himself unto the fair daughter

'Here we have a striking example of one of the manifold advantages of civilisation and refinement. If the

prince had lived in later days, he might at once have married the object of his father's choice, and then set

himself seriously to work, to relieve himself of the burden which rested heavily upon him. He might have

endeavoured to break her heart by a systematic course of insult and neglect; or, if the spirit of her sex, and a

proud consciousness of her many wrongs had upheld her under this illtreatment, he might have sought to

take her life, and so get rid of her effectually. But neither mode of relief suggested itself to Prince Bladud; so

'it is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions. King Lud flew into a frightful rage,

tossed his crown up to the ceiling, and caught it againfor in those days kings kept their crowns on their

heads, and not in the Towerstamped the ground, rapped his forehead, wondered why his own flesh and

blood rebelled against him, and, finally, calling in his guards, ordered the prince away to instant Confinement

in a lofty turret; a course of treatment which the kings of old very generally pursued towards their sons, when

their matrimonial inclinations did not happen to point to the same quarter as their own.

'When Prince Bladud had been shut up in the lofty turret for the greater part of a year, with no better prospect

before his bodily eyes than a stone wall, or before his mental vision than prolonged imprisonment, he

naturally began to ruminate on a plan of escape, which, after months of preparation, he managed to

accomplish; considerately leaving his dinnerknife in the heart of his jailer, lest the poor fellow (who had a

family) should be considered privy to his flight, and punished accordingly by the infuriated king.

'The monarch was frantic at the loss of his son. He knew not on whom to vent his grief and wrath, until

fortunately bethinking himself of the lord chamberlain who had brought him home, he struck off his pension

'Meanwhile, the young prince, effectually disguised, wandered on foot through his father's dominions,

cheered and supported in all his hardships by sweet thoughts of the Athenian maid, who was the innocent

cause of his weary trials. One day he stopped to rest in a country village; and seeing that there were gay

dances going forward on the green, and gay faces passing to and fro, ventured to inquire of a reveller who

'"Know you not, O stranger," was the reply, "of the recent proclamation of our gracious king?"

'"Proclamation! No. What proclamation?" rejoined the princefor he had travelled along the by and

littlefrequented ways, and knew nothing of what had passed upon the public roads, such as they were.

'"Why," replied the peasant, "the foreign lady that our prince wished to wed, is married to a foreign noble of

her own country, and the king proclaims the fact, and a great public festival besides; for now, of course,

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Prince Bladud will come back and marry the lady his father chose, who they say is as beautiful as the

'The prince remained to hear no more. He fled from the spot, and plunged into the thickest recesses of a

neighbouring wood. On, on, he wandered, night and day; beneath the blazing sun, and the cold pale moon;

through the dry heat of noon, and the damp cold of night; in the gray light of morn, and the red glare of eve.

So heedless was he of time or object, that being bound for Athens, he wandered as far out of his way as Bath.

'There was no city where Bath stands, then. There was no vestige of human habitation, or sign of man's

resort, to bear the name; but there was the same noble country, the same broad expanse of hill and dale, the

same beautiful channel stealing on, far away, the same lofty mountains which, like the troubles of life,

viewed at a distance, and partially obscured by the bright mist of its morning, lose their ruggedness and

asperity, and seem all ease and softness. Moved by the gentle beauty of the scene, the prince sank upon the

'"Oh!" said the unhappy Bladud, clasping his hands, and mournfully raising his eyes towards the sky, "would

that my wanderings might end here! Would that these grateful tears with which I now mourn hope misplaced,

'The wish was heard. It was in the time of the heathen deities, who used occasionally to take people at their

words, with a promptness, in some cases, extremely awkward. The ground opened beneath the prince's feet;

he sank into the chasm; and instantaneously it closed upon his head for ever, save where his hot tears welled

'It is observable that, to this day, large numbers of elderly ladies and gentlemen who have been disappointed

in procuring partners, and almost as many young ones who are anxious to obtain them, repair annually to

Bath to drink the waters, from which they derive much strength and comfort. This is most complimentary to

the virtue of Prince Bladud's tears, and strongly corroborative of the veracity of this legend.'

Mr. Pickwick yawned several times when he had arrived at the end of this little manuscript, carefully

refolded, and replaced it in the inkstand drawer, and then, with a countenance expressive of the utmost

weariness, lighted his chamber candle, and went upstairs to bed. He stopped at Mr. Dowler's door, according

Mr. Pickwick went to his bedchamber, and Mr. Dowler resumed his seat before the fire, in fulfilment of his

There are few things more worrying than sitting up for somebody, especially if that somebody be at a party.

You cannot help thinking how quickly the time passes with them, which drags so heavily with you; and the

more you think of this, the more your hopes of their speedy arrival decline. Clocks tick so loud, too, when

you are sitting up alone, and you seem as if you had an undergarment of cobwebs on. First, something

tickles your right knee, and then the same sensation irritates your left. You have no sooner changed your

position, than it comes again in the arms; when you have fidgeted your limbs into all sorts of queer shapes,

you have a sudden relapse in the nose, which you rub as if to rub it offas there is no doubt you would, if

you could. Eyes, too, are mere personal inconveniences; and the wick of one candle gets an inch and a half

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long, while you are snuffing the other. These, and various other little nervous annoyances, render sitting up

for a length of time after everybody else has gone to bed, anything but a cheerful amusement.

This was just Mr. Dowler's opinion, as he sat before the fire, and felt honestly indignant with all the inhuman

people at the party who were keeping him up. He was not put into better humour either, by the reflection that

he had taken it into his head, early in the evening, to think he had got an ache there, and so stopped at home.

At length, after several droppings asleep, and fallings forward towards the bars, and catchings backward soon

enough to prevent being branded in the face, Mr. Dowler made up his mind that he would throw himself on

'I'm a heavy sleeper,' said Mr. Dowler, as he flung himself on the bed. 'I must keep awake. I suppose I shall

hear a knock here. Yes. I thought so. I can hear the watchman. There he goes. Fainter now, though. A little

fainter. He's turning the corner. Ah!' When Mr. Dowler arrived at this point, he turned the corner at which he

Just as the clock struck three, there was blown into the crescent a sedanchair with Mrs. Dowler inside, borne

by one short, fat chairman, and one long, thin one, who had had much ado to keep their bodies perpendicular:

to say nothing of the chair. But on that high ground, and in the crescent, which the wind swept round and

round as if it were going to tear the paving stones up, its fury was tremendous. They were very glad to set the

'Servants is in the arms o' Porpus, I think,' said the short chairman, warming his hands at the attendant

'Knock again, will you, if you please,' cried Mrs. Dowler from the chair. 'Knock two or three times, if you

The short man was quite willing to get the job over, as soon as possible; so he stood on the step, and gave

four or five most startling doubleknocks, of eight or ten knocks apiece, while the long man went into the

'Dear me!' said Mrs. Dowler. 'You must knock again, if you please.' 'There ain't a bell, is there, ma'am?' said

'Yes, there is,' interposed the linkboy, 'I've been aringing at it ever so long.'

'I must trouble you to knock again, if you please,' said Mrs. Dowler, with the utmost politeness.

The short man did knock again several times, without producing the smallest effect. The tall man, growing

very impatient, then relieved him, and kept on perpetually knocking double knocks of two loud knocks

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At length Mr. Winkle began to dream that he was at a club, and that the members being very refractory, the

chairman was obliged to hammer the table a good deal to preserve order; then he had a confused notion of an

auction room where there were no bidders, and the auctioneer was buying everything in; and ultimately he

began to think it just within the bounds of possibility that somebody might be knocking at the street door. To

make quite certain, however, he remained quiet in bed for ten minutes or so, and listened; and when he had

counted two or threeandthirty knocks, he felt quite satisfied, and gave himself a great deal of credit for

Mr. Winkle jumped out of bed, wondering very much what could possibly be the matter, and hastily putting

on his stockings and slippers, folded his dressinggown round him, lighted a flat candle from the rushlight

'Don't stop to ask questions, castiron head,' replied the long man, with great disgust, taking it for granted

Mr. Winkle, being half asleep, obeyed the command mechanically, opened the door a little, and peeped out.

The first thing he saw, was the red glare of the linkboy's torch. Startled by the sudden fear that the house

might be on fire, he hastily threw the door wide open, and holding the candle above his head, stared eagerly

before him, not quite certain whether what he saw was a sedanchair or a fireengine. At this instant there

came a violent gust of wind; the light was blown out; Mr. Winkle felt himself irresistibly impelled on to the

Mr. Winkle, catching sight of a lady's face at the window of the sedan, turned hastily round, plied the knocker

with all his might and main, and called frantically upon the chairman to take the chair away again.

'Take it away, take it away,' cried Mr. Winkle. 'Here's somebody coming out of another house; put me into

All this time he was shivering with cold; and every time he raised his hand to the knocker, the wind took the

'The people are coming down the crescent now. There are ladies with 'em; cover me up with something.

Stand before me!' roared Mr. Winkle. But the chairmen were too much exhausted with laughing to afford him

the slightest assistance, and the ladies were every moment approaching nearer and nearer. Mr. Winkle gave a

last hopeless knock; the ladies were only a few doors off. He threw away the extinguished candle, which, all

this time he had held above his head, and fairly bolted into the sedanchair where Mrs. Dowler was.

Now, Mrs. Craddock had heard the knocking and the voices at last; and, only waiting to put something

smarter on her head than her nightcap, ran down into the front drawingroom to make sure that it was the

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right party. Throwing up the windowsash as Mr. Winkle was rushing into the chair, she no sooner caught

sight of what was going forward below, than she raised a vehement and dismal shriek, and implored Mr.

Dowler to get up directly, for his wife was running away with another gentleman.

Upon this, Mr. Dowler bounced off the bed as abruptly as an Indiarubber ball, and rushing into the front

room, arrived at one window just as Mr. Pickwick threw up the other, when the first object that met the gaze

'Watchman,' shouted Dowler furiously, 'stop himhold him keep him tightshut him in, till I come

down. I'll cut his throatgive me a knifefrom ear to ear, Mrs. CraddockI will!' And breaking from the

shrieking landlady, and from Mr. Pickwick, the indignant husband seized a small supperknife, and tore into

the street. But Mr. Winkle didn't wait for him. He no sooner heard the horrible threat of the valorous Dowler,

than he bounced out of the sedan, quite as quickly as he had bounced in, and throwing off his slippers into the

road, took to his heels and tore round the crescent, hotly pursued by Dowler and the watchman. He kept

ahead; the door was open as he came round the second time; he rushed in, slammed it in Dowler's face,

mounted to his bedroom, locked the door, piled a washhandstand, chest of drawers, and a table against it,

Dowler came up to the outside of the door; avowed, through the keyhole, his steadfast determination of

cutting Mr. Winkle's throat next day; and, after a great confusion of voices in the drawingroom, amidst

which that of Mr. Pickwick was distinctly heard endeavouring to make peace, the inmates dispersed to their

It is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made, where Mr. Weller was, all this time? We will state where he

'Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Craddock, upon the morning of this very eventful day, 'here's a letter for you.'

'Wery odd that,' said Sam; 'I'm afeerd there must be somethin' the matter, for I don't recollect any gen'l'm'n in

'It must be somethin' wery uncommon indeed, as could perduce a letter out o' any friend o' mine,' replied

Sam, shaking his head dubiously; 'nothin' less than a nat'ral conwulsion, as the young gen'l'm'n observed ven

he wos took with fits. It can't be from the gov'ner,' said Sam, looking at the direction. 'He always prints, I

know, 'cos he learnt writin' from the large bills in the bookingoffices. It's a wery strange thing now, where

As Sam said this, he did what a great many people do when they are uncertain about the writer of a

notelooked at the seal, and then at the front, and then at the back, and then at the sides, and then at the

superscription; and, as a last resource, thought perhaps he might as well look at the inside, and try to find out

'It's wrote on giltedged paper,' said Sam, as he unfolded it, 'and sealed in bronze vax vith the top of a door

key. Now for it.' And, with a very grave face, Mr. Weller slowly read as follows

'A select company of the Bath footmen presents their compliments to Mr. Weller, and requests the pleasure of

his company this evening, to a friendly swarry, consisting of a boiled leg of mutton with the usual trimmings.

'Mr. John Smauker, the gentleman who had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Weller at the house of their mutual

acquaintance, Mr. Bantam, a few days since, begs to inclose Mr. Weller the herewith invitation. If Mr. Weller

will call on Mr. John Smauker at nine o'clock, Mr. John Smauker will have the pleasure of introducing Mr.

The envelope was directed to blank Weller, Esq., at Mr. Pickwick's; and in a parenthesis, in the left hand

'Vell,' said Sam, 'this is comin' it rayther powerful, this is. I never heerd a biled leg o' mutton called a swarry

However, without waiting to debate the point, Sam at once betook himself into the presence of Mr. Pickwick,

and requested leave of absence for that evening, which was readily granted. With this permission and the

streetdoor key, Sam Weller issued forth a little before the appointed time, and strolled leisurely towards

Queen Square, which he no sooner gained than he had the satisfaction of beholding Mr. John Smauker

leaning his powdered head against a lamppost at a short distance off, smoking a cigar through an amber

'How do you do, Mr. Weller?' said Mr. John Smauker, raising his hat gracefully with one hand, while he

'Why, reasonably conwalessent,' replied Sam. 'How do YOU find yourself, my dear feller?'

'Ah, you've been aworkin' too hard,' observed Sam. 'I was fearful you would; it won't do, you know; you

'It's not so much that, Mr. Weller,' replied Mr. John Smauker, 'as bad wine; I'm afraid I've been dissipating.'

'Plunged into the very vortex of society, you know, Mr. Weller,' said Mr. John Smauker, with a sigh.

'But it's always the way,' said Mr. John Smauker; 'if your destiny leads you into public life, and public station,

you must expect to be subjected to temptations which other people is free from, Mr. Weller.'

'Precisely what my uncle said, ven he vent into the public line,' remarked Sam, 'and wery right the old

gen'l'm'n wos, for he drank hisself to death in somethin' less than a quarter.' Mr. John Smauker looked deeply

indignant at any parallel being drawn between himself and the deceased gentleman in question; but, as Sam's

face was in the most immovable state of calmness, he thought better of it, and looked affable again. 'Perhaps

we had better be walking,' said Mr. Smauker, consulting a copper timepiece which dwelt at the bottom of a

deep watchpocket, and was raised to the surface by means of a black string, with a copper key at the other

'P'raps we had,' replied Sam, 'or they'll overdo the swarry, and that'll spile it.'

'Have you drank the waters, Mr. Weller?' inquired his companion, as they walked towards High Street.

'I don't know much about that 'ere,' said Sam. 'I thought they'd a wery strong flavour o' warm flat irons.'

'Well, if it is, it's a wery inexpressive word, that's all,' said Sam. 'It may be, but I ain't much in the chimical

line myself, so I can't say.' And here, to the great horror of Mr. John Smauker, Sam Weller began to whistle.

'I beg your pardon, Mr. Weller,' said Mr. John Smauker, agonised at the exceeding ungenteel sound, 'will you

'Thank'ee, you're wery good, but I won't deprive you of it,' replied Sam. 'I've rayther a way o' putting my

hands in my pockets, if it's all the same to you.' As Sam said this, he suited the action to the word, and

'This way,' said his new friend, apparently much relieved as they turned down a bystreet; 'we shall soon be

'Shall we?' said Sam, quite unmoved by the announcement of his close vicinity to the select footmen of Bath.

'You'll see some very handsome uniforms, Mr. Weller,' continued Mr. John Smauker; 'and perhaps you'll find

some of the gentlemen rather high at first, you know, but they'll soon come round.'

'That's wery kind on 'em,' replied Sam. 'And you know,' resumed Mr. John Smauker, with an air of sublime

protection'you know, as you're a stranger, perhaps, they'll be rather hard upon you at first.'

'No, no,' replied Mr. John Smauker, pulling forth the fox's head, and taking a gentlemanly pinch. 'There are

some funny dogs among us, and they will have their joke, you know; but you mustn't mind 'em, you mustn't

'That's right,' said Mr. John Smauker, putting forth his fox's head, and elevating his own; 'I'll stand by you.'

By this time they had reached a small greengrocer's shop, which Mr. John Smauker entered, followed by

Sam, who, the moment he got behind him, relapsed into a series of the very broadest and most unmitigated

grins, and manifested other demonstrations of being in a highly enviable state of inward merriment.

Crossing the greengrocer's shop, and putting their hats on the stairs in the little passage behind it, they walked

into a small parlour; and here the full splendour of the scene burst upon Mr. Weller's view.

A couple of tables were put together in the middle of the parlour, covered with three or four cloths of

different ages and dates of washing, arranged to look as much like one as the circumstances of the case would

allow. Upon these were laid knives and forks for six or eight people. Some of the knife handles were green,

others red, and a few yellow; and as all the forks were black, the combination of colours was exceedingly

striking. Plates for a corresponding number of guests were warming behind the fender; and the guests

themselves were warming before it: the chief and most important of whom appeared to be a stoutish

gentleman in a bright crimson coat with long tails, vividly red breeches, and a cocked hat, who was standing

with his back to the fire, and had apparently just entered, for besides retaining his cocked hat on his head, he

carried in his hand a high stick, such as gentlemen of his profession usually elevate in a sloping position over

Mr. Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his righthand little finger into that of the gentleman with the cocked

'Well, they tell me I am looking pretty blooming,' said the man with the cocked hat, 'and it's a wonder, too.

I've been following our old woman about, two hours a day, for the last fortnight; and if a constant

contemplation of the manner in which she hooksandeyes that infernal lavender coloured old gown of hers

behind, isn't enough to throw anybody into a low state of despondency for life, stop my quarter's salary.'

At this, the assembled selections laughed very heartily; and one gentleman in a yellow waistcoat, with a

coachtrimming border, whispered a neighbour in greenfoil smalls, that Tuckle was in spirits tonight.

'By the bye,' said Mr. Tuckle, 'Smauker, my boy, you' The remainder of the sentence was forwarded into

'Oh, dear me, I quite forgot,' said Mr. John Smauker. 'Gentlemen, my friend Mr. Weller.'

'Sorry to keep the fire off you, Weller,' said Mr. Tuckle, with a familiar nod. 'Hope you're not cold, Weller.'

'Not by no means, Blazes,' replied Sam. 'It 'ud be a wery chilly subject as felt cold wen you stood opposite.

You'd save coals if they put you behind the fender in the waitin'room at a public office, you would.'

As this retort appeared to convey rather a personal allusion to Mr. Tuckle's crimson livery, that gentleman

looked majestic for a few seconds, but gradually edging away from the fire, broke into a forced smile, and

'Wery much obliged for your good opinion, sir,' replied Sam. 'We shall get on by degrees, I dessay. We'll try

At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a gentleman in orangecoloured plush,

accompanied by another selection in purple cloth, with a great extent of stocking. The newcomers having

been welcomed by the old ones, Mr. Tuckle put the question that supper be ordered in, which was carried

The greengrocer and his wife then arranged upon the table a boiled leg of mutton, hot, with caper sauce,

turnips, and potatoes. Mr. Tuckle took the chair, and was supported at the other end of the board by the

gentleman in orange plush. The greengrocer put on a pair of washleather gloves to hand the plates with, and

The greengrocer did as he was told, with a show of great humility, and obsequiously handed Mr. Tuckle the

'I beg your pardon, Sir,' replied the crestfallen greengrocer, 'I didn't mean to do it, Sir; I was up very late last

'I tell you what my opinion of you is, Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, with a most impressive air, 'you're a wulgar

'I hope, gentlemen,' said Harris, 'that you won't be severe with me, gentlemen. I am very much obliged to you

indeed, gentlemen, for your patronage, and also for your recommendations, gentlemen, whenever additional

'We consider you an inattentive reskel,' said the gentleman in the orange plush.

The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these little epithets were bestowed upon him, in the true

spirit of the very smallest tyranny; and when everybody had said something to show his superiority, Mr.

This important business of the evening had hardly commenced, when the door was thrown briskly open, and

'No, no; positively I couldn't help it,' said the gentleman in blue. 'I appeal to the company. An affair of

'Yes; raly now, honour bright,' said the man in blue. 'I made a promese to fetch our youngest daughter at

halfpast ten, and she is such an uncauminly fine gal, that I raly hadn't the 'art to disappint her. No offence to

'I begin to suspect there's something in that quarter,' said Tuckle, as the newcomer took his seat next Sam,

'I've remarked, once or twice, that she leans very heavy on your shoulder when she gets in and out of the

'Oh, raly, raly, Tuckle, you shouldn't,' said the man in blue. 'It's not fair. I may have said to one or two friends

that she wos a very divine creechure, and had refused one or two offers without any hobvus cause, butno,

no, no, indeed, Tucklebefore strangers, tooit's not rightyou shouldn't. Delicacy, my dear friend,

delicacy!' And the man in blue, pulling up his neckerchief, and adjusting his coat cuffs, nodded and frowned

as if there were more behind, which he could say if he liked, but was bound in honour to suppress.

The man in blue being a lighthaired, stiffnecked, free and easy sort of footman, with a swaggering air and

pert face, had attracted Mr. Weller's special attention at first, but when he began to come out in this way, Sam

felt more than ever disposed to cultivate his acquaintance; so he launched himself into the conversation at

'Your health, Sir,' said Sam. 'I like your conversation much. I think it's wery pretty.'

At this the man in blue smiled, as if it were a compliment he was well used to; but looked approvingly on

Sam at the same time, and said he hoped he should be better acquainted with him, for without any flattery at

all he seemed to have the makings of a very nice fellow about him, and to be just the man after his own heart.

'That 'ere young lady,' replied Sam.'She knows wot's wot, she does. Ah! I see.' Mr. Weller closed one eye, and

shook his head from side to side, in a manner which was highly gratifying to the personal vanity of the

'No, no,' said Sam. 'I leave all that 'ere to you. It's a great deal more in your way than mine, as the gen'l'm'n on

the right side o' the garden vall said to the man on the wrong un, ven the mad bull vos acomin' up the lane.'

'Well, well, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'I think she has remarked my air and manner, Mr.

'Have you any little thing of that kind in hand, sir?' inquired the favoured gentleman in blue, drawing a

'Not exactly,' said Sam. 'There's no daughters at my place, else o' course I should ha' made up to vun on 'em.

As it is, I don't think I can do with anythin' under a female markis. I might keep up with a young 'ooman o'

large property as hadn't a title, if she made wery fierce love to me. Not else.'

'Of course not, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'one can't be troubled, you know; and WE know, Mr.

Wellerwe, who are men of the worldthat a good uniform must work its way with the women, sooner or

later. In fact, that's the only thing, between you and me, that makes the service worth entering into.'

When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far, glasses were placed round, and every gentleman ordered

what he liked best, before the publichouse shut up. The gentleman in blue, and the man in orange, who were

the chief exquisites of the party, ordered 'cold shrub and water,' but with the others, ginand water, sweet,

appeared to be the favourite beverage. Sam called the greengrocer a 'desp'rate willin,' and ordered a large

bowl of punchtwo circumstances which seemed to raise him very much in the opinion of the selections.

'Gentlemen,' said the man in blue, with an air of the most consummate dandyism, 'I'll give you the ladies;

Here there was a loud cry of 'Order,' and Mr. John Smauker, as the gentleman who had introduced Mr. Weller

into that company, begged to inform him that the word he had just made use of, was unparliamentary.

'Which word was that 'ere, Sir?' inquired Sam. 'Mississes, Sir,' replied Mr. John Smauker, with an alarming

'Oh, wery good,' said Sam; 'then I'll amend the obserwation and call 'em the dear creeturs, if Blazes vill allow

Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman in the greenfoil smalls, whether the chairman

could be legally appealed to, as 'Blazes,' but as the company seemed more disposed to stand upon their own

rights than his, the question was not raised. The man with the cocked hat breathed short, and looked long at

Sam, but apparently thought it as well to say nothing, in case he should get the worst of it. After a short

silence, a gentleman in an embroidered coat reaching down to his heels, and a waistcoat of the same which

kept one half of his legs warm, stirred his ginandwater with great energy, and putting himself upon his

feet, all at once by a violent effort, said he was desirous of offering a few remarks to the company,

whereupon the person in the cocked hat had no doubt that the company would be very happy to hear any

'I feel a great delicacy, gentlemen, in coming for'ard,' said the man in the long coat, 'having the misforchune

to be a coachman, and being only admitted as a honorary member of these agreeable swarrys, but I do feel

myself bound, gentlemendrove into a corner, if I may use the expressionto make known an afflicting

circumstance which has come to my knowledge; which has happened I may say within the soap of my

everyday contemplation. Gentlemen, our friend Mr. Whiffers (everybody looked at the individual in orange),

Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers. Each gentleman looked in his neighbour's face, and then

'You may well be sapparised, gentlemen,' said the coachman. 'I will not wenchure to state the reasons of this

irrepairabel loss to the service, but I will beg Mr. Whiffers to state them himself, for the improvement and

The suggestion being loudly approved of, Mr. Whiffers explained. He said he certainly could have wished to

have continued to hold the appointment he had just resigned. The uniform was extremely rich and expensive,

the females of the family was most agreeable, and the duties of the situation was not, he was bound to say,

too heavy; the principal service that was required of him, being, that he should look out of the hall window as

much as possible, in company with another gentleman, who had also resigned. He could have wished to have

spared that company the painful and disgusting detail on which he was about to enter, but as the explanation

had been demanded of him, he had no alternative but to state, boldly and distinctly, that he had been required

It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowal awakened in the bosoms of the hearers. Loud cries

Mr. Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of this outrage might be traced to his own forbearing and

accommodating disposition. He had a distinct recollection of having once consented to eat salt butter, and he

had, moreover, on an occasion of sudden sickness in the house, so far forgotten himself as to carry a

coalscuttle up to the second floor. He trusted he had not lowered himself in the good opinion of his friends

by this frank confession of his faults; and he hoped the promptness with which he had resented the last

unmanly outrage on his feelings, to which he had referred, would reinstate him in their good opinion, if he

Mr. Whiffers's address was responded to, with a shout of admiration, and the health of the interesting martyr

was drunk in a most enthusiastic manner; for this, the martyr returned thanks, and proposed their visitor, Mr.

Wellera gentleman whom he had not the pleasure of an intimate acquaintance with, but who was the friend

of Mr. John Smauker, which was a sufficient letter of recommendation to any society of gentlemen whatever,

or wherever. On this account, he should have been disposed to have given Mr. Weller's health with all the

honours, if his friends had been drinking wine; but as they were taking spirits by way of a change, and as it

might be inconvenient to empty a tumbler at every toast, he should propose that the honours be understood.

At the conclusion of this speech, everybody took a sip in honour of Sam; and Sam having ladled out, and

drunk, two full glasses of punch in honour of himself, returned thanks in a neat speech.

'Wery much obliged to you, old fellers,' said Sam, ladling away at the punch in the most unembarrassed

manner possible, 'for this here compliment; which, comin' from sich a quarter, is wery overvelmin'. I've

heered a good deal on you as a body, but I will say, that I never thought you was sich uncommon nice men as

I find you air. I only hope you'll take care o' yourselves, and not compromise nothin' o' your dignity, which is

a wery charmin' thing to see, when one's out awalkin', and has always made me wery happy to look at, ever

since I was a boy about half as high as the brassheaded stick o' my wery respectable friend, Blazes, there.

As to the wictim of oppression in the suit o' brimstone, all I can say of him, is, that I hope he'll get jist as

good a berth as he deserves; in vitch case it's wery little cold swarry as ever he'll be troubled with agin.'

Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile, and his speech having been vociferously applauded, the company

'Wy, you don't mean to say you're agoin' old feller?' said Sam Weller to his friend, Mr. John Smauker.

'Oh, wery well,' said Sam; 'that's another thing. P'raps he'd resign if you disappinted him. You ain't agoin',

'Wot, and leave threequarters of a bowl of punch behind you!' said Sam; 'nonsense, set down agin.'

Mr. Tuckle was not proof against this invitation. He laid aside the cocked hat and stick which he had just

As the gentleman in blue went home the same way as Mr. Tuckle, he was prevailed upon to stop too. When

the punch was about half gone, Sam ordered in some oysters from the green grocer's shop; and the effect of

both was so extremely exhilarating, that Mr. Tuckle, dressed out with the cocked hat and stick, danced the

frog hornpipe among the shells on the table, while the gentleman in blue played an accompaniment upon an

ingenious musical instrument formed of a haircomb upon a curlpaper. At last, when the punch was all

gone, and the night nearly so, they sallied forth to see each other home. Mr. Tuckle no sooner got into the

open air, than he was seized with a sudden desire to lie on the curbstone; Sam thought it would be a pity to

contradict him, and so let him have his own way. As the cocked hat would have been spoiled if left there,

Sam very considerately flattened it down on the head of the gentleman in blue, and putting the big stick in his

hand, propped him up against his own streetdoor, rang the bell, and walked quietly home.

At a much earlier hour next morning than his usual time of rising, Mr. Pickwick walked downstairs

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller appeared in reply to the summons, 'shut the door.'

'There was an unfortunate occurrence here, last night, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'which gave Mr. Winkle some

'And I'm sorry to say, Sam,' continued Mr. Pickwick, with a most perplexed countenance, 'that in dread of this

'Left the house early this morning, without the slightest previous communication with me,' replied Mr.

'He should ha' stopped and fought it out, Sir,' replied Sam contemptuously. 'It wouldn't take much to settle

'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I may have my doubts of his great bravery and determination also. But

however that may be, Mr. Winkle is gone. He must be found, Sam. Found and brought back to me.' 'And

With these words Mr. Weller left the room, and immediately afterwards was heard to shut the street door. In

two hours' time he returned with so much coolness as if he had been despatched on the most ordinary

message possible, and brought the information that an individual, in every respect answering Mr. Winkle's

description, had gone over to Bristol that morning, by the branch coach from the Royal Hotel.

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, grasping his hand, 'you're a capital fellow; an invaluable fellow. You must follow

'The instant you discover him, write to me immediately, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'If he attempts to run away

'You'll tell him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that I am highly excited, highly displeased, and naturally indignant, at

'You'll tell him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that if he does not come back to this very house, with you, he will come

'You think you can find him, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking earnestly in his face.

With these instructions, Mr. Pickwick placed a sum of money in the hands of his faithful servitor, and ordered

Sam put a few necessaries in a carpetbag, and was ready for starting. He stopped when he had got to the end

of the passage, and walking quietly back, thrust his head in at the parlour door.

'Perfectly,' replied Pickwick. 'Thoroughly. Do what you think necessary. You have my orders.'

Sam gave a nod of intelligence, and withdrawing his head from the door, set forth on his pilgrimage with a

The illstarred gentleman who had been the unfortunate cause of the unusual noise and disturbance which

alarmed the inhabitants of the Royal Crescent in manner and form already described, after passing a night of

great confusion and anxiety, left the roof beneath which his friends still slumbered, bound he knew not

whither. The excellent and considerate feelings which prompted Mr. Winkle to take this step can never be too

highly appreciated or too warmly extolled. 'If,' reasoned Mr. Winkle with himself'if this Dowler attempts

(as I have no doubt he will) to carry into execution his threat of personal violence against myself, it will be

incumbent on me to call him out. He has a wife; that wife is attached to, and dependent on him. Heavens! If I

should kill him in the blindness of my wrath, what would be my feelings ever afterwards!' This painful

consideration operated so powerfully on the feelings of the humane young man, as to cause his knees to

knock together, and his countenance to exhibit alarming manifestations of inward emotion. Impelled by such

reflections, he grasped his carpet bag, and creeping stealthily downstairs, shut the detestable street door with

as little noise as possible, and walked off. Bending his steps towards the Royal Hotel, he found a coach on the

point of starting for Bristol, and, thinking Bristol as good a place for his purpose as any other he could go to,

he mounted the box, and reached his place of destination in such time as the pair of horses, who went the

whole stage and back again, twice a day or more, could be reasonably supposed to arrive there. He took up

his quarters at the Bush, and designing to postpone any communication by letter with Mr. Pickwick until it

was probable that Mr. Dowler's wrath might have in some degree evaporated, walked forth to view the city,

which struck him as being a shade more dirty than any place he had ever seen. Having inspected the docks

and shipping, and viewed the cathedral, he inquired his way to Clifton, and being directed thither, took the

route which was pointed out to him. But as the pavements of Bristol are not the widest or cleanest upon earth,

so its streets are not altogether the straightest or least intricate; and Mr. Winkle, being greatly puzzled by their

manifold windings and twistings, looked about him for a decent shop in which he could apply afresh for

His eye fell upon a newlypainted tenement which had been recently converted into something between a

shop and a private house, and which a red lamp, projecting over the fanlight of the street door, would have

sufficiently announced as the residence of a medical practitioner, even if the word 'Surgery' had not been

inscribed in golden characters on a wainscot ground, above the window of what, in times bygone, had been

the front parlour. Thinking this an eligible place wherein to make his inquiries, Mr. Winkle stepped into the

little shop where the giltlabelled drawers and bottles were; and finding nobody there, knocked with a

halfcrown on the counter, to attract the attention of anybody who might happen to be in the back parlour,

which he judged to be the innermost and peculiar sanctum of the establishment, from the repetition of the

word surgery on the door painted in white letters this time, by way of taking off the monotony.

At the first knock, a sound, as of persons fencing with fire irons, which had until now been very audible,

suddenly ceased; at the second, a studiouslooking young gentleman in green spectacles, with a very large

book in his hand, glided quietly into the shop, and stepping behind the counter, requested to know the

'I am sorry to trouble you, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, 'but will you have the goodness to direct me to'

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 356

'Ha! ha! ha!' roared the studious young gentleman, throwing the large book up into the air, and catching it

with great dexterity at the very moment when it threatened to smash to atoms all the bottles on the counter.

There was, without doubt; for Mr. Winkle was so very much astonished at the extraordinary behaviour of the

medical gentleman, that he involuntarily retreated towards the door, and looked very much disturbed at his

'What, don't you know me?' said the medical gentleman. Mr. Winkle murmured, in reply, that he had not that

'Why, then,' said the medical gentleman, 'there are hopes for me yet; I may attend half the old women in

Bristol, if I've decent luck. Get out, you mouldy old villain, get out!' With this adjuration, which was

addressed to the large book, the medical gentleman kicked the volume with remarkable agility to the farther

end of the shop, and, pulling off his green spectacles, grinned the identical grin of Robert Sawyer, Esquire,

formerly of Guy's Hospital in the Borough, with a private residence in Lant Street.

'You don't mean to say you weren't down upon me?' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, shaking Mr. Winkle's hand with

'I wonder you didn't see the name,' said Bob Sawyer, calling his friend's attention to the outer door, on which,

'Lord, if I had known who you were, I should have rushed out, and caught you in my arms,' said Bob Sawyer;

'I did, indeed,' responded Bob Sawyer, 'and I was just going to say that I wasn't at home, but if you'd leave a

message I'd be sure to give it to myself; for he don't know me; no more does the Lighting and Paving. I think

the Churchrates guesses who I am, and I know the Waterworks does, because I drew a tooth of his when I

first came down here. But come in, come in!' Chattering in this way, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed Mr. Winkle

into the back room, where, amusing himself by boring little circular caverns in the chimneypiece with a

'Well!' said Mr. Winkle. 'This is indeed a pleasure I did not expect. What a very nice place you have here!'

'Pretty well, pretty well,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'I PASSED, soon after that precious party, and my friends came

down with the needful for this business; so I put on a black suit of clothes, and a pair of spectacles, and came

'And a very snug little business you have, no doubt?' said Mr. Winkle knowingly.

'Very,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'So snug, that at the end of a few years you might put all the profits in a

wineglass, and cover 'em over with a gooseberry leaf.' 'You cannot surely mean that?' said Mr. Winkle. 'The

stock itself' 'Dummies, my dear boy,' said Bob Sawyer; 'half the drawers have nothing in 'em, and the other

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 357

'Facthonour!' returned Bob Sawyer, stepping out into the shop, and demonstrating the veracity of the

assertion by divers hard pulls at the little gilt knobs on the counterfeit drawers. 'Hardly anything real in the

'I hope not,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'else where's the use of appearances, eh? But what will you take? Do as we

do? That's right. Ben, my fine fellow, put your hand into the cupboard, and bring out the patent digester.'

Mr. Benjamin Allen smiled his readiness, and produced from the closet at his elbow a black bottle half full of

'Thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'It's rather early. I should like to qualify it, if you have no objection.'

'None in the least, if you can reconcile it to your conscience,' replied Bob Sawyer, tossing off, as he spoke, a

Mr. Benjamin Allen drew forth, from the same hidingplace, a small brass pipkin, which Bob Sawyer

observed he prided himself upon, particularly because it looked so businesslike. The water in the

professional pipkin having been made to boil, in course of time, by various little shovelfuls of coal, which

Mr. Bob Sawyer took out of a practicable windowseat, labelled 'Soda Water,' Mr. Winkle adulterated his

brandy; and the conversation was becoming general, when it was interrupted by the entrance into the shop of

a boy, in a sober gray livery and a goldlaced hat, with a small covered basket under his arm, whom Mr. Bob

'You've been stopping to "over" all the posts in Bristol, you idle young scamp!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer.

'You had better not!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a threatening aspect. 'Who do you suppose will ever employ

a professional man, when they see his boy playing at marbles in the gutter, or flying the garter in the

horseroad? Have you no feeling for your profession, you groveller? Did you leave all the medicine?' 'Yes,

'The powders for the child, at the large house with the new family, and the pills to be taken four times a day

'Come,' said Mr. Winkle, as the boy retired, 'things are not quite so bad as you would have me believe, either.

Mr. Bob Sawyer peeped into the shop to see that no stranger was within hearing, and leaning forward to Mr.

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 358

'Don't you see?' said Bob. 'He goes up to a house, rings the area bell, pokes a packet of medicine without a

direction into the servant's hand, and walks off. Servant takes it into the dining parlour; master opens it, and

reads the label: "Draught to be taken at bedtimepills as beforelotion as usualthe powder. From

Sawyer's, late Nockemorf's. Physicians' prescriptions carefully prepared," and all the rest of it. Shows it to his

wife she reads the label; it goes down to the servantsTHEY read the label. Next day, boy calls: "Very

sorryhis mistakeimmense businessgreat many parcels to deliverMr. Sawyer's complimentslate

Nockemorf." The name gets known, and that's the thing, my boy, in the medical way. Bless your heart, old

fellow, it's better than all the advertising in the world. We have got one fourounce bottle that's been to half

'Oh, Ben and I have hit upon a dozen such,' replied Bob Sawyer, with great glee. 'The lamplighter has

eighteenpence a week to pull the nightbell for ten minutes every time he comes round; and my boy always

rushes into the church just before the psalms, when the people have got nothing to do but look about 'em, and

calls me out, with horror and dismay depicted on his countenance. "Bless my soul," everybody says,

"somebody taken suddenly ill! Sawyer, late Nockemorf, sent for. What a business that young man has!"'

At the termination of this disclosure of some of the mysteries of medicine, Mr. Bob Sawyer and his friend,

Ben Allen, threw themselves back in their respective chairs, and laughed boisterously. When they had

enjoyed the joke to their heart's content, the discourse changed to topics in which Mr. Winkle was more

We think we have hinted elsewhere, that Mr. Benjamin Allen had a way of becoming sentimental after

brandy. The case is not a peculiar one, as we ourself can testify, having, on a few occasions, had to deal with

patients who have been afflicted in a similar manner. At this precise period of his existence, Mr. Benjamin

Allen had perhaps a greater predisposition to maudlinism than he had ever known before; the cause of which

malady was briefly this. He had been staying nearly three weeks with Mr. Bob Sawyer; Mr. Bob Sawyer was

not remarkable for temperance, nor was Mr. Benjamin Allen for the ownership of a very strong head; the

consequence was that, during the whole space of time just mentioned, Mr. Benjamin Allen had been

'My dear friend,' said Mr. Ben Allen, taking advantage of Mr. Bob Sawyer's temporary absence behind the

counter, whither he had retired to dispense some of the secondhand leeches, previously referred to; 'my dear

Mr. Winkle professed his heartfelt regret to hear it, and begged to know whether he could do anything to

'Nothing, my dear boy, nothing,' said Ben. 'You recollect Arabella, Winkle? My sister Arabellaa little girl,

Winkle, with black eyeswhen we were down at Wardle's? I don't know whether you happened to notice

hera nice little girl, Winkle. Perhaps my features may recall her countenance to your recollection?'

Mr. Winkle required nothing to recall the charming Arabella to his mind; and it was rather fortunate he did

not, for the features of her brother Benjamin would unquestionably have proved but an indifferent refresher to

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 359

his memory. He answered, with as much calmness as he could assume, that he perfectly remembered the

'Our friend Bob is a delightful fellow, Winkle,' was the only reply of Mr. Ben Allen.

'Very,' said Mr. Winkle, not much relishing this close connection of the two names.

'I designed 'em for each other; they were made for each other, sent into the world for each other, born for

each other, Winkle,' said Mr. Ben Allen, setting down his glass with emphasis. 'There's a special destiny in

the matter, my dear sir; there's only five years' difference between 'em, and both their birthdays are in

Mr. Winkle was too anxious to hear what was to follow to express much wonderment at this extraordinary

coincidence, marvellous as it was; so Mr. Ben Allen, after a tear or two, went on to say that, notwithstanding

all his esteem and respect and veneration for his friend, Arabella had unaccountably and undutifully evinced

'And I think,' said Mr. Ben Allen, in conclusion. 'I think there's a prior attachment.'

'Have you any idea who the object of it might be?' asked Mr. Winkle, with great trepidation.

Mr. Ben Allen seized the poker, flourished it in a warlike manner above his head, inflicted a savage blow on

an imaginary skull, and wound up by saying, in a very expressive manner, that he only wished he could

'I'd show him what I thought of him,' said Mr. Ben Allen. And round went the poker again, more fiercely than

All this was, of course, very soothing to the feelings of Mr. Winkle, who remained silent for a few minutes;

'No, no,' said Mr. Ben Allen, laying aside the poker, and looking very cunning; 'I didn't think Wardle's

exactly the place for a headstrong girl; so, as I am her natural protector and guardian, our parents being dead,

I have brought her down into this part of the country to spend a few months at an old aunt's, in a nice, dull,

close place. I think that will cure her, my boy. If it doesn't, I'll take her abroad for a little while, and see what

'No, no, not in Bristol,' replied Mr. Ben Allen, jerking his thumb over his right shoulder; 'over that

Short as this conversation was, it roused in Mr. Winkle the highest degree of excitement and anxiety. The

suspected prior attachment rankled in his heart. Could he be the object of it? Could it be for him that the fair

Arabella had looked scornfully on the sprightly Bob Sawyer, or had he a successful rival? He determined to

see her, cost what it might; but here an insurmountable objection presented itself, for whether the explanatory

'over that way,' and 'down there,' of Mr. Ben Allen, meant three miles off, or thirty, or three hundred, he could

But he had no opportunity of pondering over his love just then, for Bob Sawyer's return was the immediate

precursor of the arrival of a meatpie from the baker's, of which that gentleman insisted on his staying to

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 360

partake. The cloth was laid by an occasional charwoman, who officiated in the capacity of Mr. Bob Sawyer's

housekeeper; and a third knife and fork having been borrowed from the mother of the boy in the gray livery

(for Mr. Sawyer's domestic arrangements were as yet conducted on a limited scale), they sat down to dinner;

After dinner, Mr. Bob Sawyer ordered in the largest mortar in the shop, and proceeded to brew a reeking

jorum of rumpunch therein, stirring up and amalgamating the materials with a pestle in a very creditable and

apothecarylike manner. Mr. Sawyer, being a bachelor, had only one tumbler in the house, which was

assigned to Mr. Winkle as a compliment to the visitor, Mr. Ben Allen being accommodated with a funnel

with a cork in the narrow end, and Bob Sawyer contented himself with one of those widelipped crystal

vessels inscribed with a variety of cabalistic characters, in which chemists are wont to measure out their

liquid drugs in compounding prescriptions. These preliminaries adjusted, the punch was tasted, and

pronounced excellent; and it having been arranged that Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen should be considered at

liberty to fill twice to Mr. Winkle's once, they started fair, with great satisfaction and goodfellowship.

There was no singing, because Mr. Bob Sawyer said it wouldn't look professional; but to make amends for

this deprivation there was so much talking and laughing that it might have been heard, and very likely was, at

the end of the street. Which conversation materially lightened the hours and improved the mind of Mr. Bob

Sawyer's boy, who, instead of devoting the evening to his ordinary occupation of writing his name on the

counter, and rubbing it out again, peeped through the glass door, and thus listened and looked on at the same

The mirth of Mr. Bob Sawyer was rapidly ripening into the furious, Mr. Ben Allen was fast relapsing into the

sentimental, and the punch had wellnigh disappeared altogether, when the boy hastily running in,

announced that a young woman had just come over, to say that Sawyer late Nockemorf was wanted directly,

a couple of streets off. This broke up the party. Mr. Bob Sawyer, understanding the message, after some

twenty repetitions, tied a wet cloth round his head to sober himself, and, having partially succeeded, put on

his green spectacles and issued forth. Resisting all entreaties to stay till he came back, and finding it quite

impossible to engage Mr. Ben Allen in any intelligible conversation on the subject nearest his heart, or indeed

The anxiety of his mind, and the numerous meditations which Arabella had awakened, prevented his share of

the mortar of punch producing that effect upon him which it would have had under other circumstances. So,

after taking a glass of sodawater and brandy at the bar, he turned into the coffeeroom, dispirited rather than

elevated by the occurrences of the evening. Sitting in front of the fire, with his back towards him, was a

tallish gentleman in a greatcoat: the only other occupant of the room. It was rather a cool evening for the

season of the year, and the gentleman drew his chair aside to afford the newcomer a sight of the fire. What

were Mr. Winkle's feelings when, in doing so, he disclosed to view the face and figure of the vindictive and

Mr. Winkle's first impulse was to give a violent pull at the nearest bellhandle, but that unfortunately

happened to be immediately behind Mr. Dowler's head. He had made one step towards it, before he checked

'Mr. Winkle, Sir. Be calm. Don't strike me. I won't bear it. A blow! Never!' said Mr. Dowler, looking meeker

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 361

'Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, trembling from head to foot, 'before I consent to sit down beside, or opposite you,

without the presence of a waiter, I must be secured by some further understanding. You used a threat against

me last night, Sir, a dreadful threat, Sir.' Here Mr. Winkle turned very pale indeed, and stopped short.

'I did,' said Dowler, with a countenance almost as white as Mr. Winkle's. 'Circumstances were suspicious.

They have been explained. I respect your bravery. Your feeling is upright. Conscious innocence. There's my

'Really, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, hesitating whether to give his hand or not, and almost fearing that it was

'I know what you mean,' interposed Dowler. 'You feel aggrieved. Very natural. So should I. I was wrong. I

beg your pardon. Be friendly. Forgive me.' With this, Dowler fairly forced his hand upon Mr. Winkle, and

shaking it with the utmost vehemence, declared he was a fellow of extreme spirit, and he had a higher opinion

'Now,' said Dowler, 'sit down. Relate it all. How did you find me? When did you follow? Be frank. Tell me.'

'It's quite accidental,' replied Mr. Winkle, greatly perplexed by the curious and unexpected nature of the

'Glad of it,' said Dowler. 'I woke this morning. I had forgotten my threat. I laughed at the accident. I felt

'To Mrs. Dowler. "You made a vow," said she. "I did," said I. "It was a rash one," said she. "It was," said I.

'You,' replied Dowler. 'I went downstairs. You were not to be found. Pickwick looked gloomy. Shook his

head. Hoped no violence would be committed. I saw it all. You felt yourself insulted. You had gone, for a

Mr. Winkle coughed, and beginning to see how the land lay, assumed a look of importance.

'I left a note for you,' resumed Dowler. 'I said I was sorry. So I was. Pressing business called me here. You

were not satisfied. You followed. You required a verbal explanation. You were right. It's all over now. My

As Dowler progressed in his explanation, Mr. Winkle's countenance grew more and more dignified. The

mysterious nature of the commencement of their conversation was explained; Mr. Dowler had as great an

objection to duelling as himself; in short, this blustering and awful personage was one of the most egregious

cowards in existence, and interpreting Mr. Winkle's absence through the medium of his own fears, had taken

the same step as himself, and prudently retired until all excitement of feeling should have subsided.

As the real state of the case dawned upon Mr. Winkle's mind, he looked very terrible, and said he was

perfectly satisfied; but at the same time, said so with an air that left Mr. Dowler no alternative but to infer that

if he had not been, something most horrible and destructive must inevitably have occurred. Mr. Dowler

appeared to be impressed with a becoming sense of Mr. Winkle's magnanimity and condescension; and the

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 362

two belligerents parted for the night, with many protestations of eternal friendship.

About halfpast twelve o'clock, when Mr. Winkle had been revelling some twenty minutes in the full luxury

of his first sleep, he was suddenly awakened by a loud knocking at his chamber door, which, being repeated

with increased vehemence, caused him to start up in bed, and inquire who was there, and what the matter

'Please, Sir, here's a young man which says he must see you directly,' responded the voice of the

'No mistake about that 'ere, Sir,' replied another voice through the keyhole; 'and if that wery same interestin'

young creetur ain't let in vithout delay, it's wery possible as his legs vill enter afore his countenance.' The

lower panels of the door, after he had given utterance to this hint, as if to add force and point to the remark.

'Quite unpossible to identify any gen'l'm'n vith any degree o' mental satisfaction, vithout lookin' at him, Sir,'

Mr. Winkle, not much doubting who the young man was, unlocked the door; which he had no sooner done

than Mr. Samuel Weller entered with great precipitation, and carefully relocking it on the inside, deliberately

put the key in his waistcoat pocket; and, after surveying Mr. Winkle from head to foot, said

'What do you mean by this conduct, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle indignantly. 'Get out, sir, this instant. What

'What do I mean,' retorted Sam; 'come, Sir, this is rayther too rich, as the young lady said when she

remonstrated with the pastrycook, arter he'd sold her a pork pie as had got nothin' but fat inside. What do I

'I shall leave this here room, sir, just precisely at the wery same moment as you leaves it,' responded Sam,

speaking in a forcible manner, and seating himself with perfect gravity. 'If I find it necessary to carry you

away, pickaback, o' course I shall leave it the least bit o' time possible afore you; but allow me to express a

hope as you won't reduce me to extremities; in saying wich, I merely quote wot the nobleman said to the

fractious pennywinkle, ven he vouldn't come out of his shell by means of a pin, and he conseqvently began to

be afeered that he should be obliged to crack him in the parlour door.' At the end of this address, which was

unusually lengthy for him, Mr. Weller planted his hands on his knees, and looked full in Mr. Winkle's face,

with an expression of countenance which showed that he had not the remotest intention of being trifled with.

'You're a amiablydisposed young man, Sir, I don't think,' resumed Mr. Weller, in a tone of moral reproof, 'to

go inwolving our precious governor in all sorts o' fanteegs, wen he's made up his mind to go through

everythink for principle. You're far worse nor Dodson, Sir; and as for Fogg, I consider him a born angel to

you!' Mr. Weller having accompanied this last sentiment with an emphatic slap on each knee, folded his arms

CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE 363

with a look of great disgust, and threw himself back in his chair, as if awaiting the criminal's defence.

'My good fellow,' said Mr. Winkle, extending his handhis teeth chattering all the time he spoke, for he had

been standing, during the whole of Mr. Weller's lecture, in his nightgear'my good fellow, I respect your

attachment to my excellent friend, and I am very sorry indeed to have added to his causes for disquiet. There,

'Well,' said Sam, rather sulkily, but giving the proffered hand a respectful shake at the same time'well, so

you ought to be, and I am very glad to find you air; for, if I can help it, I won't have him put upon by nobody,

'Certainly not, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle. 'There! Now go to bed, Sam, and we'll talk further about this in the

'You don't mean to say you're going back tonight, Sam?' urged Mr. Winkle, greatly surprised.

'Not unless you particklerly wish it,' replied Sam; 'but I mustn't leave this here room. The governor's orders

'Nonsense, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle, 'I must stop here two or three days; and more than that, Sam, you must

stop here too, to assist me in gaining an interview with a young ladyMiss Allen, Sam; you remember

But in reply to each of these positions, Sam shook his head with great firmness, and energetically replied, 'It

After a great deal of argument and representation on the part of Mr. Winkle, however, and a full disclosure of

what had passed in the interview with Dowler, Sam began to waver; and at length a compromise was

That Sam should retire, and leave Mr. Winkle in the undisturbed possession of his apartment, on the

condition that he had permission to lock the door on the outside, and carry off the key; provided always, that

in the event of an alarm of fire, or other dangerous contingency, the door should be instantly unlocked. That a

letter should be written to Mr. Pickwick early next morning, and forwarded per Dowler, requesting his

consent to Sam and Mr. Winkle's remaining at Bristol, for the purpose and with the object already assigned,

and begging an answer by the next coach, if favourable, the aforesaid parties to remain accordingly, and if

not, to return to Bath immediately on the receipt thereof. And, lastly, that Mr. Winkle should be understood

as distinctly pledging himself not to resort to the window, fireplace, or other surreptitious mode of escape in

the meanwhile. These stipulations having been concluded, Sam locked the door and departed.

He had nearly got downstairs, when he stopped, and drew the key from his pocket.

'I quite forgot about the knockin' down,' said Sam, half turning back. 'The governor distinctly said it was to be

done. Amazin' stupid o' me, that 'ere! Never mind,' said Sam, brightening up, 'it's easily done tomorrow,

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Apparently much consoled by this reflection, Mr. Weller once more deposited the key in his pocket, and

descending the remainder of the stairs without any fresh visitations of conscience, was soon, in common with

During the whole of next day, Sam kept Mr. Winkle steadily in sight, fully determined not to take his eyes off

him for one instant, until he should receive express instructions from the fountainhead. However

disagreeable Sam's very close watch and great vigilance were to Mr. Winkle, he thought it better to bear with

them, than, by any act of violent opposition, to hazard being carried away by force, which Mr. Weller more

than once strongly hinted was the line of conduct that a strict sense of duty prompted him to pursue. There is

little reason to doubt that Sam would very speedily have quieted his scruples, by bearing Mr. Winkle back to

Bath, bound hand and foot, had not Mr. Pickwick's prompt attention to the note, which Dowler had

undertaken to deliver, forestalled any such proceeding. In short, at eight o'clock in the evening, Mr. Pickwick

himself walked into the coffeeroom of the Bush Tavern, and told Sam with a smile, to his very great relief,

that he had done quite right, and it was unnecessary for him to mount guard any longer.

'I thought it better to come myself,' said Mr. Pickwick, addressing Mr. Winkle, as Sam disencumbered him of

his great coat and travellingshawl, 'to ascertain, before I gave my consent to Sam's employment in this

matter, that you are quite in earnest and serious, with respect to this young lady.'

'Remember,' said Mr. Pickwick, with beaming eyes, 'we met her at our excellent and hospitable friend's,

Winkle. It would be an ill return to tamper lightly, and without due consideration, with this young lady's

'I have no such intention, indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Winkle warmly. 'I have considered the matter well, for a

'That's wot we call tying it up in a small parcel, sir,' interposed Mr. Weller, with an agreeable smile.

Mr. Winkle looked somewhat stern at this interruption, and Mr. Pickwick angrily requested his attendant not

to jest with one of the best feelings of our nature; to which Sam replied, 'That he wouldn't, if he was aware on

it; but there were so many on 'em, that he hardly know'd which was the best ones wen he heerd 'em

Mr. Winkle then recounted what had passed between himself and Mr. Ben Allen, relative to Arabella; stated

that his object was to gain an interview with the young lady, and make a formal disclosure of his passion; and

declared his conviction, founded on certain dark hints and mutterings of the aforesaid Ben, that, wherever she

was at present immured, it was somewhere near the Downs. And this was his whole stock of knowledge or

With this very slight clue to guide him, it was determined that Mr. Weller should start next morning on an

expedition of discovery; it was also arranged that Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle, who were less confident of

their powers, should parade the town meanwhile, and accidentally drop in upon Mr. Bob Sawyer in the

course of the day, in the hope of seeing or hearing something of the young lady's whereabouts.

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Accordingly, next morning, Sam Weller issued forth upon his quest, in no way daunted by the very

discouraging prospect before him; and away he walked, up one street and down another we were going to

say, up one hill and down another, only it's all uphill at Cliftonwithout meeting with anything or anybody

that tended to throw the faintest light on the matter in hand. Many were the colloquies into which Sam

entered with grooms who were airing horses on roads, and nursemaids who were airing children in lanes; but

nothing could Sam elicit from either the firstmentioned or the last, which bore the slightest reference to the

object of his artfullyprosecuted inquiries. There were a great many young ladies in a great many houses, the

greater part whereof were shrewdly suspected by the male and female domestics to be deeply attached to

somebody, or perfectly ready to become so, if opportunity afforded. But as none among these young ladies

was Miss Arabella Allen, the information left Sam at exactly the old point of wisdom at which he had stood

Sam struggled across the Downs against a good high wind, wondering whether it was always necessary to

hold your hat on with both hands in that part of the country, and came to a shady byplace, about which were

sprinkled several little villas of quiet and secluded appearance. Outside a stable door at the bottom of a long

back lane without a thoroughfare, a groom in undress was idling about, apparently persuading himself that he

was doing something with a spade and a wheelbarrow. We may remark, in this place, that we have scarcely

ever seen a groom near a stable, in his lazy moments, who has not been, to a greater or less extent, the victim

Sam thought he might as well talk to this groom as to any one else, especially as he was very tired with

walking, and there was a good large stone just opposite the wheelbarrow; so he strolled down the lane, and,

seating himself on the stone, opened a conversation with the ease and freedom for which he was remarkable.

'Why, I don't find myself much the better for seeing of you,' replied the illtempered groom.

'That's wery oddthat is,' said Sam, 'for you look so uncommon cheerful, and seem altogether so lively, that

The surly groom looked surlier still at this, but not sufficiently so to produce any effect upon Sam, who

immediately inquired, with a countenance of great anxiety, whether his master's name was not Walker.

'Vell,' replied Sam, 'then I'm mistaken, and he hasn't got the honour o' my acquaintance, which I thought he

had. Don't wait here out o' compliment to me,' said Sam, as the groom wheeled in the barrow, and prepared to

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 366

'I'd knock your head off for halfacrown,' said the surly groom, bolting one half of the gate.

'Couldn't afford to have it done on those terms,' rejoined Sam. 'It 'ud be worth a life's board wages at least, to

you, and 'ud be cheap at that. Make my compliments indoors. Tell 'em not to vait dinner for me, and say they

In reply to this, the groom waxing very wroth, muttered a desire to damage somebody's person; but

disappeared without carrying it into execution, slamming the door angrily after him, and wholly unheeding

Sam's affectionate request, that he would leave him a lock of his hair before he went.

Sam continued to sit on the large stone, meditating upon what was best to be done, and revolving in his mind

a plan for knocking at all the doors within five miles of Bristol, taking them at a hundred and fifty or two

hundred a day, and endeavouring to find Miss Arabella by that expedient, when accident all of a sudden

threw in his way what he might have sat there for a twelvemonth and yet not found without it.

Into the lane where he sat, there opened three or four garden gates, belonging to as many houses, which

though detached from each other, were only separated by their gardens. As these were large and long, and

well planted with trees, the houses were not only at some distance off, but the greater part of them were

nearly concealed from view. Sam was sitting with his eyes fixed upon the dustheap outside the next gate to

that by which the groom had disappeared, profoundly turning over in his mind the difficulties of his present

undertaking, when the gate opened, and a female servant came out into the lane to shake some bedside

Sam was so very busy with his own thoughts, that it is probable he would have taken no more notice of the

young woman than just raising his head and remarking that she had a very neat and pretty figure, if his

feelings of gallantry had not been most strongly roused by observing that she had no one to help her, and that

the carpets seemed too heavy for her single strength. Mr. Weller was a gentleman of great gallantry in his

own way, and he no sooner remarked this circumstance than he hastily rose from the large stone, and

'My dear,' said Sam, sliding up with an air of great respect, 'you'll spile that wery pretty figure out o' all

The young lady, who had been coyly affecting not to know that a gentleman was so near, turned round as

Sam spokeno doubt (indeed she said so, afterwards) to decline this offer from a perfect strangerwhen

instead of speaking, she started back, and uttered a halfsuppressed scream. Sam was scarcely less staggered,

for in the countenance of the wellshaped female servant, he beheld the very features of his valentine, the

Sam made no verbal answer to this complaint, nor can we precisely say what reply he did make. We merely

know that after a short pause Mary said, 'Lor, do adun, Mr. Weller!' and that his hat had fallen off a few

moments beforefrom both of which tokens we should be disposed to infer that one kiss, or more, had

'Why, how did you come here?' said Mary, when the conversation to which this interruption had been offered,

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 367

'O' course I came to look arter you, my darlin',' replied Mr. Weller; for once permitting his passion to get the

'And how did you know I was here?' inquired Mary. 'Who could have told you that I took another service at

Ipswich, and that they afterwards moved all the way here? Who COULD have told you that, Mr. Weller?'

'Ah, to be sure,' said Sam, with a cunning look, 'that's the pint. Who could ha' told me?'

'No more did I,' said Sam. 'But Mary, my dear'here Sam's manner grew extremely affectionate'Mary, my

dear, I've got another affair in hand as is wery pressin'. There's one o' my governor's friendsMr. Winkle,

'Well,' said Sam, 'he's in a horrid state o' love; reg'larly comfoozled, and done over vith it.'

'Yes,' said Sam; 'but that's nothin' if we could find out the young 'ooman;' and here Sam, with many

digressions upon the personal beauty of Mary, and the unspeakable tortures he had experienced since he last

'O' course not,' said Sam, 'and nobody never did, nor never vill neither; and here am I awalkin' about like the

wandering Jewa sportin' character you have perhaps heerd on Mary, my dear, as vos alvays doin' a match

agin' time, and never vent to sleeplooking arter this here Miss Arabella Allen.'

'Goodness gracious!' said Mary, pointing to the garden door which the sulky groom had locked after him.

'Why, it's that very house; she's been living there these six weeks. Their upper house maid, which is

lady'smaid too, told me all about it over the washhouse palin's before the family was out of bed, one

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 368

Mr. Weller was so deeply overcome on receiving this intelligence that he found it absolutely necessary to

cling to his fair informant for support; and divers little love passages had passed between them, before he was

'Vell,' said Sam at length, 'if this don't beat cockfightin' nothin' never vill, as the lord mayor said, ven the

chief secretary o' state proposed his missis's health arter dinner. That wery next house! Wy, I've got a

'Ah,' said Mary, 'but you can't deliver it now, because she only walks in the garden in the evening, and then

Sam ruminated for a few moments, and finally hit upon the following plan of operations; that he should

return just at dusk the time at which Arabella invariably took her walkand, being admitted by Mary into

the garden of the house to which she belonged, would contrive to scramble up the wall, beneath the

overhanging boughs of a large peartree, which would effectually screen him from observation; would there

deliver his message, and arrange, if possible, an interview on behalf of Mr. Winkle for the ensuing evening at

the same hour. Having made this arrangement with great despatch, he assisted Mary in the longdeferred

It is not half as innocent a thing as it looks, that shaking little pieces of carpetat least, there may be no great

harm in the shaking, but the folding is a very insidious process. So long as the shaking lasts, and the two

parties are kept the carpet's length apart, it is as innocent an amusement as can well be devised; but when the

folding begins, and the distance between them gets gradually lessened from one half its former length to a

quarter, and then to an eighth, and then to a sixteenth, and then to a thirtysecond, if the carpet be long

enough, it becomes dangerous. We do not know, to a nicety, how many pieces of carpet were folded in this

instance, but we can venture to state that as many pieces as there were, so many times did Sam kiss the pretty

Mr. Weller regaled himself with moderation at the nearest tavern until it was nearly dusk, and then returned

to the lane without the thoroughfare. Having been admitted into the garden by Mary, and having received

from that lady sundry admonitions concerning the safety of his limbs and neck, Sam mounted into the

He waited so long without this anxiouslyexpected event occurring, that he began to think it was not going to

take place at all, when he heard light footsteps upon the gravel, and immediately afterwards beheld Arabella

walking pensively down the garden. As soon as she came nearly below the tree, Sam began, by way of gently

indicating his presence, to make sundry diabolical noises similar to those which would probably be natural to

a person of middle age who had been afflicted with a combination of inflammatory sore throat, croup, and

Upon this, the young lady cast a hurried glance towards the spot whence the dreadful sounds proceeded; and

her previous alarm being not at all diminished when she saw a man among the branches, she would most

certainly have decamped, and alarmed the house, had not fear fortunately deprived her of the power of

moving, and caused her to sink down on a garden seat, which happened by good luck to be near at hand.

'She's agoin' off,' soliloquised Sam in great perplexity. 'Wot a thing it is, as these here young creeturs will go

afaintin' avay just ven they oughtn't to. Here, young 'ooman, Miss Sawbones, Mrs. Vinkle, don't!'

Whether it was the magic of Mr. Winkle's name, or the coolness of the open air, or some recollection of Mr.

Weller's voice, that revived Arabella, matters not. She raised her head and languidly inquired, 'Who's that,

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 369

'Hush,' said Sam, swinging himself on to the wall, and crouching there in as small a compass as he could

'The wery same, miss,' replied Sam. 'Here's Mr. Vinkle reg'larly sewed up vith desperation, miss.'

'Ah, indeed,' said Sam. 'Ve thought ve should ha' been obliged to straitveskit him last night; he's been

aravin' all day; and he says if he can't see you afore tomorrow night's over, he vishes he may be somethin'

'That's wot he says, miss,' replied Sam coolly. 'He's a man of his word, and it's my opinion he'll do it, miss.

'From my brother!' said Arabella, having some faint recognition of Sam's description.

'I don't rightly know which is your brother, miss,' replied Sam. 'Is it the dirtiest vun o' the two?'

'Well, miss,' said Sam, 'he's heerd all about it from him; and it's the gov'nor's opinion that if you don't see him

wery quick, the sawbones as we've been aspeakin' on, 'ull get as much extra lead in his head as'll rayther

damage the dewelopment o' the orgins if they ever put it in spirits artervards.'

'It's the suspicion of a priory 'tachment as is the cause of it all,' replied Sam. 'You'd better see him, miss.'

'But how?where?'cried Arabella. 'I dare not leave the house alone. My brother is so unkind, so

unreasonable! I know how strange my talking thus to you may appear, Mr. Weller, but I am very, very

'It may seem wery strange talkin' to me about these here affairs, miss,' said Sam, with great vehemence; 'but

all I can say is, that I'm not only ready but villin' to do anythin' as'll make matters agreeable; and if chuckin'

either o' them sawboneses out o' winder 'ull do it, I'm the man.' As Sam Weller said this, he tucked up his

wristbands, at the imminent hazard of falling off the wall in so doing, to intimate his readiness to set to work

Flattering as these professions of good feeling were, Arabella resolutely declined (most unaccountably, as

Sam thought) to avail herself of them. For some time she strenuously refused to grant Mr. Winkle the

interview Sam had so pathetically requested; but at length, when the conversation threatened to be interrupted

by the unwelcome arrival of a third party, she hurriedly gave him to understand, with many professions of

gratitude, that it was barely possible she might be in the garden an hour later, next evening. Sam understood

this perfectly well; and Arabella, bestowing upon him one of her sweetest smiles, tripped gracefully away,

leaving Mr. Weller in a state of very great admiration of her charms, both personal and mental.

Having descended in safety from the wall, and not forgotten to devote a few moments to his own particular

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 370

business in the same department, Mr. Weller then made the best of his way back to the Bush, where his

'We must be careful,' said Mr. Pickwick, after listening attentively to Sam's tale, 'not for our sakes, but for

Mr. Pickwick's momentary look of indignation at the tone of this remark, subsided into his characteristic

'I,' replied Mr. Pickwick mildly. 'In affording you this interview, the young lady has taken a natural, perhaps,

but still a very imprudent step. If I am present at the meetinga mutual friend, who is old enough to be the

father of both partiesthe voice of calumny can never be raised against her hereafter.'

Mr. Pickwick's eyes lightened with honest exultation at his own foresight, as he spoke thus. Mr. Winkle was

touched by this little trait of his delicate respect for the young PROTEGEE of his friend, and took his hand

'I will,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Sam, have my greatcoat and shawl ready, and order a conveyance to be at the

door tomorrow evening, rather earlier than is absolutely necessary, in order that we may be in good time.'

Mr. Weller touched his hat, as an earnest of his obedience, and withdrew to make all needful preparations for

The coach was punctual to the time appointed; and Mr. Weller, after duly installing Mr. Pickwick and Mr.

Winkle inside, took his seat on the box by the driver. They alighted, as had been agreed on, about a quarter of

a mile from the place of rendezvous, and desiring the coachman to await their return, proceeded the

It was at this stage of the undertaking that Mr. Pickwick, with many smiles and various other indications of

great selfsatisfaction, produced from one of his coat pockets a dark lantern, with which he had specially

provided himself for the occasion, and the great mechanical beauty of which he proceeded to explain to Mr.

Winkle, as they walked along, to the no small surprise of the few stragglers they met.

'I should have been the better for something of this kind, in my last garden expedition, at night; eh, Sam?' said

Mr. Pickwick, looking goodhumouredly round at his follower, who was trudging behind.

'Wery nice things, if they're managed properly, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but wen you don't want to be seen, I

Mr. Pickwick appeared struck by Sam's remarks, for he put the lantern into his pocket again, and they walked

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 371

Down the lane they went, and dark enough it was. Mr. Pickwick brought out the lantern, once or twice, as

they groped their way along, and threw a very brilliant little tunnel of light before them, about a foot in

diameter. It was very pretty to look at, but seemed to have the effect of rendering surrounding objects rather

At length they arrived at the large stone. Here Sam recommended his master and Mr. Winkle to seat

themselves, while he reconnoitred, and ascertained whether Mary was yet in waiting.

After an absence of five or ten minutes, Sam returned to say that the gate was opened, and all quiet.

Following him with stealthy tread, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle soon found themselves in the garden. Here

everybody said, 'Hush!' a good many times; and that being done, no one seemed to have any very distinct

'I don't know, sir,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'The best thing to be done, sir, will be for Mr. Weller to give

you a hoist up into the tree, and perhaps Mr. Pickwick will have the goodness to see that nobody comes up

the lane, while I watch at the other end of the garden. Goodness gracious, what's that?'

'That 'ere blessed lantern 'ull be the death on us all,' exclaimed Sam peevishly. 'Take care wot you're adoin'

'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, turning hastily aside, 'I didn't mean to do that.'

'Now, it's in the stable, and they'll think the place is afire,' said Sam. 'Shut it up, sir, can't you?'

'It's the most extraordinary lantern I ever met with, in all my life!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, greatly

bewildered by the effects he had so unintentionally produced. 'I never saw such a powerful reflector.'

'It'll be vun too powerful for us, if you keep blazin' avay in that manner, sir,' replied Sam, as Mr. Pickwick,

after various unsuccessful efforts, managed to close the slide. 'There's the young lady's footsteps. Now, Mr.

'Gently, Sir,' said Sam, planting his head against the wall, and making a platform of his back. 'Step atop o'

'Never mind me, Sir,' replied Sam. 'Lend him a hand, Mr. Winkle. sir. Steady, sir, steady! That's the time o'

As Sam spoke, Mr. Pickwick, by exertions almost supernatural in a gentleman of his years and weight,

contrived to get upon Sam's back; and Sam gently raising himself up, and Mr. Pickwick holding on fast by

the top of the wall, while Mr. Winkle clasped him tight by the legs, they contrived by these means to bring

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 372

'My dear,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking over the wall, and catching sight of Arabella, on the other side, 'don't

be frightened, my dear, it's only me.' 'Oh, pray go away, Mr. Pickwick,' said Arabella. 'Tell them all to go

away. I am so dreadfully frightened. Dear, dear Mr. Pickwick, don't stop there. You'll fall down and kill

'Now, pray don't alarm yourself, my dear,' said Mr. Pickwick soothingly. 'There is not the least cause for fear,

'All right, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Don't be longer than you can conweniently help, sir. You're rayther heavy.'

'I merely wished you to know, my dear, that I should not have allowed my young friend to see you in this

clandestine way, if the situation in which you are placed had left him any alternative; and, lest the

impropriety of this step should cause you any uneasiness, my love, it may be a satisfaction to you, to know

'Indeed, Mr. Pickwick, I am very much obliged to you for your kindness and consideration,' replied Arabella,

drying her tears with her handkerchief. She would probably have said much more, had not Mr. Pickwick's

head disappeared with great swiftness, in consequence of a false step on Sam's shoulder which brought him

suddenly to the ground. He was up again in an instant however; and bidding Mr. Winkle make haste and get

the interview over, ran out into the lane to keep watch, with all the courage and ardour of youth. Mr. Winkle

himself, inspired by the occasion, was on the wall in a moment, merely pausing to request Sam to be careful

'Bless his old gaiters,' rejoined Sam, looking out at the garden door. 'He's akeepin' guard in the lane vith that

'ere dark lantern, like a amiable Guy Fawkes! I never see such a fine creetur in my days. Blessed if I don't

think his heart must ha' been born five andtwenty year arter his body, at least!'

Mr. Winkle stayed not to hear the encomium upon his friend. He had dropped from the wall; thrown himself

at Arabella's feet; and by this time was pleading the sincerity of his passion with an eloquence worthy even of

While these things were going on in the open air, an elderly gentleman of scientific attainments was seated in

his library, two or three houses off, writing a philosophical treatise, and ever and anon moistening his clay

and his labours with a glass of claret from a venerablelooking bottle which stood by his side. In the agonies

of composition, the elderly gentleman looked sometimes at the carpet, sometimes at the ceiling, and

sometimes at the wall; and when neither carpet, ceiling, nor wall afforded the requisite degree of inspiration,

In one of these pauses of invention, the scientific gentleman was gazing abstractedly on the thick darkness

outside, when he was very much surprised by observing a most brilliant light glide through the air, at a short

distance above the ground, and almost instantaneously vanish. After a short time the phenomenon was

repeated, not once or twice, but several times; at last the scientific gentleman, laying down his pen, began to

They were not meteors; they were too low. They were not glowworms; they were too high. They were not

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 373

willo'the wisps; they were not fireflies; they were not fireworks. What could they be? Some extraordinary

and wonderful phenomenon of nature, which no philosopher had ever seen before; something which it had

been reserved for him alone to discover, and which he should immortalise his name by chronicling for the

benefit of posterity. Full of this idea, the scientific gentleman seized his pen again, and committed to paper

sundry notes of these unparalleled appearances, with the date, day, hour, minute, and precise second at which

they were visible: all of which were to form the data of a voluminous treatise of great research and deep

learning, which should astonish all the atmospherical wiseacres that ever drew breath in any part of the

He threw himself back in his easychair, wrapped in contemplations of his future greatness. The mysterious

light appeared more brilliantly than before, dancing, to all appearance, up and down the lane, crossing from

The scientific gentleman was a bachelor. He had no wife to call in and astonish, so he rang the bell for his

'Pruffle,' said the scientific gentleman, 'there is something very extraordinary in the air tonight? Did you see

that?' said the scientific gentleman, pointing out of the window, as the light again became visible.

'Yes. You have been bred up in this country. What should you say was the cause for those lights, now?'

The scientific gentleman smilingly anticipated Pruffle's reply that he could assign no cause for them at all.

But the scientific gentleman could not rest under the idea of the ingenious treatise he had projected being lost

to the world, which must inevitably be the case if the speculation of the ingenious Mr. Pruffle were not stifled

in its birth. He put on his hat and walked quickly down the garden, determined to investigate the matter to the

Now, shortly before the scientific gentleman walked out into the garden, Mr. Pickwick had run down the lane

as fast as he could, to convey a false alarm that somebody was coming that way; occasionally drawing back

the slide of the dark lantern to keep himself from the ditch. The alarm was no sooner given, than Mr. Winkle

scrambled back over the wall, and Arabella ran into the house; the garden gate was shut, and the three

adventurers were making the best of their way down the lane, when they were startled by the scientific

'Hold hard,' whispered Sam, who was, of course, the first of the party. 'Show a light for just vun second, Sir.'

Mr. Pickwick did as he was desired, and Sam, seeing a man's head peeping out very cautiously within half a

CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR 374

yard of his own, gave it a gentle tap with his clenched fist, which knocked it, with a hollow sound, against the

gate. Having performed this feat with great suddenness and dexterity, Mr. Weller caught Mr. Pickwick up on

his back, and followed Mr. Winkle down the lane at a pace which, considering the burden he carried, was

'Have you got your vind back agin, Sir,' inquired Sam, when they had reached the end.

'Then come along, Sir,' said Sam, setting his master on his feet again. 'Come betveen us, sir. Not half a mile

Thus encouraged, Mr. Pickwick made the very best use of his legs. It may be confidently stated that a pair of

black gaiters never got over the ground in better style than did those of Mr. Pickwick on this memorable

The coach was waiting, the horses were fresh, the roads were good, and the driver was willing. The whole

party arrived in safety at the Bush before Mr. Pickwick had recovered his breath.

'in with you at once, sir,' said Sam, as he helped his master out. 'Don't stop a second in the street, arter that

'ere exercise. Beg your pardon, sir,'continued Sam, touching his hat as Mr. Winkle descended, 'hope there

Mr. Winkle grasped his humble friend by the hand, and whispered in his ear, 'It's all right, Sam; quite right.'

Upon which Mr. Weller struck three distinct blows upon his nose in token of intelligence, smiled, winked,

and proceeded to put the steps up, with a countenance expressive of lively satisfaction.

As to the scientific gentleman, he demonstrated, in a masterly treatise, that these wonderful lights were the

effect of electricity; and clearly proved the same by detailing how a flash of fire danced before his eyes when

he put his head out of the gate, and how he received a shock which stunned him for a quarter of an hour

afterwards; which demonstration delighted all the scientific associations beyond measure, and caused him to

The remainder of the period which Mr. Pickwick had assigned as the duration of the stay at Bath passed over

without the occurrence of anything material. Trinity term commenced. On the expiration of its first week, Mr.

Pickwick and his friends returned to London; and the former gentleman, attended of course by Sam,

On the third morning after their arrival, just as all the clocks in the city were striking nine individually, and

somewhere about nine hundred and ninetynine collectively, Sam was taking the air in George Yard, when a

queer sort of freshpainted vehicle drove up, out of which there jumped with great agility, throwing the reins

to a stout man who sat beside him, a queer sort of gentleman, who seemed made for the vehicle, and the

The vehicle was not exactly a gig, neither was it a stanhope. It was not what is currently denominated a

dogcart, neither was it a taxed cart, nor a chaisecart, nor a guillotined cabriolet; and yet it had something of

the character of each and every of these machines. It was painted a bright yellow, with the shafts and wheels

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 375

picked out in black; and the driver sat in the orthodox sporting style, on cushions piled about two feet above

the rail. The horse was a bay, a welllooking animal enough; but with something of a flash and dogfighting

air about him, nevertheless, which accorded both with the vehicle and his master.

The master himself was a man of about forty, with black hair, and carefully combed whiskers. He was

dressed in a particularly gorgeous manner, with plenty of articles of jewellery about him all about three

sizes larger than those which are usually worn by gentlemenand a rough greatcoat to crown the whole. Into

one pocket of this greatcoat, he thrust his left hand the moment he dismounted, while from the other he drew

forth, with his right, a very bright and glaring silk handkerchief, with which he whisked a speck or two of

dust from his boots, and then, crumpling it in his hand, swaggered up the court.

It had not escaped Sam's attention that, when this person dismounted, a shabbylooking man in a brown

greatcoat shorn of divers buttons, who had been previously slinking about, on the opposite side of the way,

crossed over, and remained stationary close by. Having something more than a suspicion of the object of the

gentleman's visit, Sam preceded him to the George and Vulture, and, turning sharp round, planted himself in

'Now, my fine fellow!' said the man in the rough coat, in an imperious tone, attempting at the same time to

'Now, Sir, wot's the matter?' replied Sam, returning the push with compound interest.

'Come, none of this, my man; this won't do with me,' said the owner of the rough coat, raising his voice, and

'Well, wot's amiss here?' growled the man in the brown coat, who had been gradually sneaking up the court

'Only some insolence of this young man's,' said the principal, giving Sam another push.

'Come, none o' this gammon,' growled Smouch, giving him another, and a harder one.

This last push had the effect which it was intended by the experienced Mr. Smouch to produce; for while

Sam, anxious to return the compliment, was grinding that gentleman's body against the doorpost, the

principal crept past, and made his way to the bar, whither Sam, after bandying a few epithetical remarks with

'Goodmorning, my dear,' said the principal, addressing the young lady at the bar, with Botany Bay ease, and

'Show him up,' said the barmaid to a waiter, without deigning another look at the exquisite, in reply to his

The waiter led the way upstairs as he was desired, and the man in the rough coat followed, with Sam behind

him, who, in his progress up the staircase, indulged in sundry gestures indicative of supreme contempt and

defiance, to the unspeakable gratification of the servants and other lookerson. Mr. Smouch, who was

Mr. Pickwick was fast asleep in bed, when his early visitor, followed by Sam, entered the room. The noise

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 376

'Shave you directly, Mr. Pickwick,' said the visitor, drawing one of them back from the bed's head. 'I've got

an execution against you, at the suit of Bardell.Here's the warrant. Common Pleas.Here's my card. I

suppose you'll come over to my house.' Giving Mr. Pickwick a friendly tap on the shoulder, the sheriff's

officer (for such he was) threw his card on the counterpane, and pulled a gold toothpick from his waistcoat

'Namby's the name,' said the sheriff's deputy, as Mr. Pickwick took his spectacles from under the pillow, and

At this point, Sam Weller, who had had his eyes fixed hitherto on Mr. Namby's shining beaver, interfered.

'I'll let you know I am, before I've done with you,' replied the indignant officer. 'I'll teach you manners, my

'Thank'ee,' said Sam. 'I'll do the same to you. Take your hat off.' With this, Mr. Weller, in the most dexterous

manner, knocked Mr. Namby's hat to the other side of the room, with such violence, that he had very nearly

'Observe this, Mr. Pickwick,' said the disconcerted officer, gasping for breath. 'I've been assaulted in the

execution of my dooty by your servant in your chamber. I'm in bodily fear. I call you to witness this.'

'Don't witness nothin', Sir,' interposed Sam. 'Shut your eyes up tight, Sir. I'd pitch him out o' winder, only he

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, in an angry voice, as his attendant made various demonstrations of hostilities, 'if

you say another word, or offer the slightest interference with this person, I discharge you that instant.'

But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do; and, after he had been severely reprimanded by his master,

the officer, being in a hurry, condescended to pick it up himself, venting a great variety of threats against Sam

meanwhile, which that gentleman received with perfect composure, merely observing that if Mr. Namby

would have the goodness to put his hat on again, he would knock it into the latter end of next week. Mr.

Namby, perhaps thinking that such a process might be productive of inconvenience to himself, declined to

offer the temptation, and, soon after, called up Smouch. Having informed him that the capture was made, and

that he was to wait for the prisoner until he should have finished dressing, Namby then swaggered out, and

drove away. Smouch, requesting Mr. Pickwick in a surly manner 'to be as alive as he could, for it was a busy

time,' drew up a chair by the door and sat there, until he had finished dressing. Sam was then despatched for a

hackneycoach, and in it the triumvirate proceeded to Coleman Street. It was fortunate the distance was

short; for Mr. Smouch, besides possessing no very enchanting conversational powers, was rendered a

decidedly unpleasant companion in a limited space, by the physical weakness to which we have elsewhere

The coach having turned into a very narrow and dark street, stopped before a house with iron bars to all the

windows; the doorposts of which were graced by the name and title of 'Namby, Officer to the Sheriffs of

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 377

London'; the inner gate having been opened by a gentleman who might have passed for a neglected

twinbrother of Mr. Smouch, and who was endowed with a large key for the purpose, Mr. Pickwick was

This coffeeroom was a front parlour, the principal features of which were fresh sand and stale tobacco

smoke. Mr. Pickwick bowed to the three persons who were seated in it when he entered; and having

despatched Sam for Perker, withdrew into an obscure corner, and looked thence with some curiosity upon his

One of these was a mere boy of nineteen or twenty, who, though it was yet barely ten o'clock, was drinking

ginandwater, and smoking a cigaramusements to which, judging from his inflamed countenance, he had

devoted himself pretty constantly for the last year or two of his life. Opposite him, engaged in stirring the fire

with the toe of his right boot, was a coarse, vulgar young man of about thirty, with a sallow face and harsh

voice; evidently possessed of that knowledge of the world, and captivating freedom of manner, which is to be

acquired in publichouse parlours, and at low billiard tables. The third tenant of the apartment was a

middleaged man in a very old suit of black, who looked pale and haggard, and paced up and down the room

incessantly; stopping, now and then, to look with great anxiety out of the window as if he expected

'You'd better have the loan of my razor this morning, Mr. Ayresleigh,' said the man who was stirring the fire,

'Thank you, no, I shan't want it; I expect I shall be out, in the course of an hour or so,' replied the other in a

hurried manner. Then, walking again up to the window, and once more returning disappointed, he sighed

'Well, I never saw such a game as that,' said the gentleman who had offered the razor, whose name appeared

to be Price. 'Never!' Mr. Price confirmed the assertion with an oath, and then laughed again, when of course

the boy (who thought his companion one of the most dashing fellows alive) laughed also.

'You'd hardly think, would you now,' said Price, turning towards Mr. Pickwick, 'that that chap's been here a

week yesterday, and never once shaved himself yet, because he feels so certain he's going out in half an

'Poor man!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Are his chances of getting out of his difficulties really so great?'

'Chances be dd,' replied Price; 'he hasn't half the ghost of one. I wouldn't give THAT for his chance of

walking about the streets this time ten years.' With this, Mr. Price snapped his fingers contemptuously, and

'Give me a sheet of paper, Crookey,' said Mr. Price to the attendant, who in dress and general appearance

looked something between a bankrupt glazier, and a drover in a state of insolvency; 'and a glass of

brandyandwater, Crookey, d'ye hear? I'm going to write to my father, and I must have a stimulant, or I

shan't be able to pitch it strong enough into the old boy.' At this facetious speech, the young boy, it is almost

'You've got some spirit about you, you have,' said Price. 'You've seen something of life.'

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 378

'I rather think I have!' replied the boy. He had looked at it through the dirty panes of glass in a bar door.

Mr. Pickwick, feeling not a little disgusted with this dialogue, as well as with the air and manner of the two

beings by whom it had been carried on, was about to inquire whether he could not be accommodated with a

private sittingroom, when two or three strangers of genteel appearance entered, at sight of whom the boy

threw his cigar into the fire, and whispering to Mr. Price that they had come to 'make it all right' for him,

It would appear, however, that matters were not going to be made all right quite so speedily as the young

gentleman anticipated; for a very long conversation ensued, of which Mr. Pickwick could not avoid hearing

certain angry fragments regarding dissolute conduct, and repeated forgiveness. At last, there were very

distinct allusions made by the oldest gentleman of the party to one Whitecross Street, at which the young

gentleman, notwithstanding his primeness and his spirit, and his knowledge of life into the bargain, reclined

Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing down of the youth's valour, and this effectual lowering of his

tone, Mr. Pickwick rang the bell, and was shown, at his own request, into a private room furnished with a

carpet, table, chairs, sideboard and sofa, and ornamented with a lookingglass, and various old prints. Here

he had the advantage of hearing Mrs. Namby's performance on a square piano overhead, while the breakfast

'Aha, my dear sir,' said the little man, 'nailed at last, eh? Come, come, I'm not sorry for it either, because now

you'll see the absurdity of this conduct. I've noted down the amount of the taxed costs and damages for which

the casa was issued, and we had better settle at once and lose no time. Namby is come home by this time, I

dare say. What say you, my dear sir? Shall I draw a cheque, or will you?' The little man rubbed his hands

with affected cheerfulness as he said this, but glancing at Mr. Pickwick's countenance, could not forbear at

'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me hear no more of this, I beg. I see no advantage in staying here, so I Shall

'You can't go to Whitecross Street, my dear Sir,' said Perker. 'Impossible! There are sixty beds in a ward; and

'I would rather go to some other place of confinement if I can,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'If not, I must make the

'You can go to the Fleet, my dear Sir, if you're determined to go somewhere,' said Perker.

'That'll do,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I'll go there directly I have finished my breakfast.'

'Stop, stop, my dear Sir; not the least occasion for being in such a violent hurry to get into a place that most

other men are as eager to get out of,' said the goodnatured little attorney. 'We must have a habeascorpus.

There'll be no judge at chambers till four o'clock this afternoon. You must wait till then.'

'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick, with unmoved patience. 'Then we will have a chop here, at two. See about it,

Mr. Pickwick remaining firm, despite all the remonstrances and arguments of Perker, the chops appeared and

disappeared in due course; he was then put into another hackney coach, and carried off to Chancery Lane,

after waiting half an hour or so for Mr. Namby, who had a select dinnerparty and could on no account be

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 379

There were two judges in attendance at Serjeant's Innone King's Bench, and one Common Pleasand a

great deal of business appeared to be transacting before them, if the number of lawyer's clerks who were

hurrying in and out with bundles of papers, afforded any test. When they reached the low archway which

forms the entrance to the inn, Perker was detained a few moments parlaying with the coachman about the fare

and the change; and Mr. Pickwick, stepping to one side to be out of the way of the stream of people that were

The people that attracted his attention most, were three or four men of shabbygenteel appearance, who

touched their hats to many of the attorneys who passed, and seemed to have some business there, the nature

of which Mr. Pickwick could not divine. They were curiouslooking fellows. One was a slim and rather lame

man in rusty black, and a white neckerchief; another was a stout, burly person, dressed in the same apparel,

with a great reddishblack cloth round his neck; a third was a little weazen, drunkenlooking body, with a

pimply face. They were loitering about, with their hands behind them, and now and then with an anxious

countenance whispered something in the ear of some of the gentlemen with papers, as they hurried by. Mr.

Pickwick remembered to have very often observed them lounging under the archway when he had been

walking past; and his curiosity was quite excited to know to what branch of the profession these

He was about to propound the question to Namby, who kept close beside him, sucking a large gold ring on

his little finger, when Perker bustled up, and observing that there was no time to lose, led the way into the

inn. As Mr. Pickwick followed, the lame man stepped up to him, and civilly touching his hat, held out a

written card, which Mr. Pickwick, not wishing to hurt the man's feelings by refusing, courteously accepted

'Now,' said Perker, turning round before he entered one of the offices, to see that his companions were close

This last question was addressed to the lame man, who, unobserved by Mr. Pickwick, made one of the party.

In reply to it, the lame man touched his hat again, with all imaginable politeness, and motioned towards Mr.

'No, no,' said Perker, with a smile. 'We don't want you, my dear friend, we don't want you.'

'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the lame man. 'The gentleman took my card. I hope you will employ me, sir. The

gentleman nodded to me. I'll be judged by the gentleman himself. You nodded to me, sir?'

'Pooh, pooh, nonsense. You didn't nod to anybody, Pickwick? A mistake, a mistake,' said Perker.

'The gentleman handed me his card,' replied Mr. Pickwick, producing it from his waistcoat pocket. 'I accepted

it, as the gentleman seemed to wish itin fact I had some curiosity to look at it when I should be at leisure.

The little attorney burst into a loud laugh, and returning the card to the lame man, informing him it was all a

mistake, whispered to Mr. Pickwick as the man turned away in dudgeon, that he was only a bail.

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 380

'A bail!' 'Yes, my dear sirhalf a dozen of 'em here. Bail you to any amount, and only charge half a crown.

'What! Am I to understand that these men earn a livelihood by waiting about here, to perjure themselves

before the judges of the land, at the rate of half a crown a crime?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite aghast at the

'Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir,' replied the little gentleman. 'Harsh word, my dear sir,

very harsh word indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more.' Saying which, the attorney shrugged

his shoulders, smiled, took a second pinch of snuff, and led the way into the office of the judge's clerk.

This was a room of specially dirty appearance, with a very low ceiling and old panelled walls; and so badly

lighted, that although it was broad day outside, great tallow candles were burning on the desks. At one end,

was a door leading to the judge's private apartment, round which were congregated a crowd of attorneys and

managing clerks, who were called in, in the order in which their respective appointments stood upon the file.

Every time this door was opened to let a party out, the next party made a violent rush to get in; and, as in

addition to the numerous dialogues which passed between the gentlemen who were waiting to see the judge, a

variety of personal squabbles ensued between the greater part of those who had seen him, there was as much

Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen the only sounds that broke upon the ear. Standing on a box

behind a wooden bar at another end of the room was a clerk in spectacles who was 'taking the affidavits';

large batches of which were, from time to time, carried into the private room by another clerk for the judge's

signature. There were a large number of attorneys' clerks to be sworn, and it being a moral impossibility to

swear them all at once, the struggles of these gentlemen to reach the clerk in spectacles, were like those of a

crowd to get in at the pit door of a theatre when Gracious Majesty honours it with its presence. Another

functionary, from time to time, exercised his lungs in calling over the names of those who had been sworn,

for the purpose of restoring to them their affidavits after they had been signed by the judge, which gave rise

to a few more scuffles; and all these things going on at the same time, occasioned as much bustle as the most

active and excitable person could desire to behold. There were yet another class of personsthose who were

waiting to attend summonses their employers had taken out, which it was optional to the attorney on the

opposite side to attend or notand whose business it was, from time to time, to cry out the opposite

attorney's name; to make certain that he was not in attendance without their knowledge.

For example. Leaning against the wall, close beside the seat Mr. Pickwick had taken, was an officelad of

Nobody answered; the next man who came in, was bailed by the whole three; and he in his turn shouted for

another firm; and then somebody else roared in a loud voice for another; and so forth.

All this time, the man in the spectacles was hard at work, swearing the clerks; the oath being invariably

administered, without any effort at punctuation, and usually in the following terms:

'Take the book in your right hand this is your name and hand writing you swear that the contents of this

your affidavit are true so help you God a shilling you must get change I haven't got it.'

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 381

'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I suppose they are getting the HABEASCORPUS ready?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'and I vish they'd bring out the havehis carcase. It's wery unpleasant keepin' us vaitin' here.

I'd ha' got half a dozen havehiscarcases ready, pack'd up and all, by this time.'

What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable machine, Sam Weller imagined a habeascorpus to be, does not

The usual forms having been gone through, the body of Samuel Pickwick was soon afterwards confided to

the custody of the tipstaff, to be by him taken to the warden of the Fleet Prison, and there detained until the

amount of the damages and costs in the action of Bardell against Pickwick was fully paid and satisfied.

'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing, 'will be a very long time. Sam, call another hackneycoach. Perker,

'Indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'I would rather go without any other attendant than Sam. As soon as I get

settled, I will write and let you know, and I shall expect you immediately. Until then, goodbye.'

As Mr. Pickwick said this, he got into the coach which had by this time arrived, followed by the tipstaff. Sam

'A most extraordinary man that!' said Perker, as he stopped to pull on his gloves.

'What a bankrupt he'd make, Sir,' observed Mr. Lowten, who was standing near. 'How he would bother the

The attorney did not appear very much delighted with his clerk's professional estimate of Mr. Pickwick's

The hackneycoach jolted along Fleet Street, as hackney coaches usually do. The horses 'went better', the

driver said, when they had anything before them (they must have gone at a most extraordinary pace when

there was nothing), and so the vehicle kept behind a cart; when the cart stopped, it stopped; and when the cart

went on again, it did the same. Mr. Pickwick sat opposite the tipstaff; and the tipstaff sat with his hat between

Time performs wonders. By the powerful old gentleman's aid, even a hackneycoach gets over half a mile of

ground. They stopped at length, and Mr. Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet.

The tipstaff, just looking over his shoulder to see that his charge was following close at his heels, preceded

Mr. Pickwick into the prison; turning to the left, after they had entered, they passed through an open door into

a lobby, from which a heavy gate, opposite to that by which they had entered, and which was guarded by a

stout turnkey with the key in his hand, led at once into the interior of the prison.

Here they stopped, while the tipstaff delivered his papers; and here Mr. Pickwick was apprised that he would

remain, until he had undergone the ceremony, known to the initiated as 'sitting for your portrait.'

'Having your likeness taken, sir,' replied the stout turnkey. 'We're capital hands at likenesses here. Take 'em in

CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE 382

Mr. Pickwick complied with the invitation, and sat himself down; when Mr. Weller, who stationed himself at

the back of the chair, whispered that the sitting was merely another term for undergoing an inspection by the

'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'then I wish the artists would come. This is rather a public place.'

'And a birdcage, sir,' says Sam. 'Veels vithin veels, a prison in a prison. Ain't it, Sir?'

As Mr. Weller made this philosophical remark, Mr. Pickwick was aware that his sitting had commenced. The

stout turnkey having been relieved from the lock, sat down, and looked at him carelessly, from time to time,

while a long thin man who had relieved him, thrust his hands beneath his coat tails, and planting himself

opposite, took a good long view of him. A third rather surlylooking gentleman, who had apparently been

disturbed at his tea, for he was disposing of the last remnant of a crust and butter when he came in, stationed

himself close to Mr. Pickwick; and, resting his hands on his hips, inspected him narrowly; while two others

mixed with the group, and studied his features with most intent and thoughtful faces. Mr. Pickwick winced a

good deal under the operation, and appeared to sit very uneasily in his chair; but he made no remark to

anybody while it was being performed, not even to Sam, who reclined upon the back of the chair, reflecting,

partly on the situation of his master, and partly on the great satisfaction it would have afforded him to make a

fierce assault upon all the turnkeys there assembled, one after the other, if it were lawful and peaceable so to

At length the likeness was completed, and Mr. Pickwick was informed that he might now proceed into the

'Why, I don't rightly know about tonight,' replied the stout turnkey. 'You'll be chummed on somebody

tomorrow, and then you'll be all snug and comfortable. The first night's generally rather unsettled, but you'll

After some discussion, it was discovered that one of the turnkeys had a bed to let, which Mr. Pickwick could

'If you'll come with me, I'll show it you at once,' said the man. 'It ain't a large 'un; but it's an outandouter to

They passed through the inner gate, and descended a short flight of steps. The key was turned after them; and

Mr. Pickwick found himself, for the first time in his life, within the walls of a debtors' prison.

Mr. Tom Roker, the gentleman who had accompanied Mr. Pickwick into the prison, turned sharp round to the

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 383

right when he got to the bottom of the little flight of steps, and led the way, through an iron gate which stood

open, and up another short flight of steps, into a long narrow gallery, dirty and low, paved with stone, and

'This,' said the gentleman, thrusting his hands into his pockets, and looking carelessly over his shoulder to

'Oh,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking down a dark and filthy staircase, which appeared to lead to a range of

damp and gloomy stone vaults, beneath the ground, 'and those, I suppose, are the little cellars where the

prisoners keep their small quantities of coals. Unpleasant places to have to go down to; but very convenient, I

'Yes, I shouldn't wonder if they was convenient,' replied the gentleman, 'seeing that a few people live there,

'My friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you don't really mean to say that human beings live down in those wretched

'Live down there! Yes, and die down there, too, very often!' replied Mr. Roker; 'and what of that? Who's got

to say anything agin it? Live down there! Yes, and a wery good place it is to live in, ain't it?'

As Roker turned somewhat fiercely upon Mr. Pickwick in saying this, and moreover muttered in an excited

fashion certain unpleasant invocations concerning his own eyes, limbs, and circulating fluids, the latter

gentleman deemed it advisable to pursue the discourse no further. Mr. Roker then proceeded to mount

another staircase, as dirty as that which led to the place which has just been the subject of discussion, in

'There,' said Mr. Roker, pausing for breath when they reached another gallery of the same dimensions as the

one below, 'this is the coffeeroom flight; the one above's the third, and the one above that's the top; and the

room where you're agoing to sleep tonight is the warden's room, and it's this waycome on.' Having said

all this in a breath, Mr. Roker mounted another flight of stairs with Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller following

These staircases received light from sundry windows placed at some little distance above the floor, and

looking into a gravelled area bounded by a high brick wall, with iron CHEVAUXDEFRISE at the top.

This area, it appeared from Mr. Roker's statement, was the racketground; and it further appeared, on the

testimony of the same gentleman, that there was a smaller area in that portion of the prison which was nearest

Farringdon Street, denominated and called 'the Painted Ground,' from the fact of its walls having once

displayed the semblance of various men ofwar in full sail, and other artistical effects achieved in bygone

Having communicated this piece of information, apparently more for the purpose of discharging his bosom of

an important fact, than with any specific view of enlightening Mr. Pickwick, the guide, having at length

reached another gallery, led the way into a small passage at the extreme end, opened a door, and disclosed an

apartment of an appearance by no means inviting, containing eight or nine iron bedsteads.

'There,' said Mr. Roker, holding the door open, and looking triumphantly round at Mr. Pickwick, 'there's a

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 384

Mr. Pickwick's face, however, betokened such a very trifling portion of satisfaction at the appearance of his

lodging, that Mr. Roker looked, for a reciprocity of feeling, into the countenance of Samuel Weller, who,

until now, had observed a dignified silence. 'There's a room, young man,' observed Mr. Roker.

'You wouldn't think to find such a room as this in the Farringdon Hotel, would you?' said Mr. Roker, with a

To this Mr. Weller replied with an easy and unstudied closing of one eye; which might be considered to

mean, either that he would have thought it, or that he would not have thought it, or that he had never thought

anything at all about it, as the observer's imagination suggested. Having executed this feat, and reopened his

eye, Mr. Weller proceeded to inquire which was the individual bedstead that Mr. Roker had so flatteringly

'That's it,' replied Mr. Roker, pointing to a very rusty one in a corner. 'It would make any one go to sleep, that

'I should think,' said Sam, eyeing the piece of furniture in question with a look of excessive disgust'I

'And I s'pose,' said Sam, with a sidelong glance at his master, as if to see whether there were any symptoms

of his determination being shaken by what passed, 'I s'pose the other gen'l'men as sleeps here ARE gen'l'men.'

'Nothing but it,' said Mr. Roker. 'One of 'em takes his twelve pints of ale a day, and never leaves off smoking

Nothing daunted, even by this intelligence, Mr. Pickwick smilingly announced his determination to test the

powers of the narcotic bedstead for that night; and Mr. Roker, after informing him that he could retire to rest

at whatever hour he thought proper, without any further notice or formality, walked off, leaving him standing

It was getting dark; that is to say, a few gas jets were kindled in this place which was never light, by way of

compliment to the evening, which had set in outside. As it was rather warm, some of the tenants of the

numerous little rooms which opened into the gallery on either hand, had set their doors ajar. Mr. Pickwick

peeped into them as he passed along, with great curiosity and interest. Here, four or five great hulking

fellows, just visible through a cloud of tobacco smoke, were engaged in noisy and riotous conversation over

halfemptied pots of beer, or playing at allfours with a very greasy pack of cards. In the adjoining room,

some solitary tenant might be seen poring, by the light of a feeble tallow candle, over a bundle of soiled and

tattered papers, yellow with dust and dropping to pieces from age, writing, for the hundredth time, some

lengthened statement of his grievances, for the perusal of some great man whose eyes it would never reach,

or whose heart it would never touch. In a third, a man, with his wife and a whole crowd of children, might be

seen making up a scanty bed on the ground, or upon a few chairs, for the younger ones to pass the night in.

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 385

And in a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, and a seventh, the noise, and the beer, and the tobacco smoke, and

In the galleries themselves, and more especially on the stair cases, there lingered a great number of people,

who came there, some because their rooms were empty and lonesome, others because their rooms were full

and hot; the greater part because they were restless and uncomfortable, and not possessed of the secret of

exactly knowing what to do with themselves. There were many classes of people here, from the labouring

man in his fustian jacket, to the brokendown spendthrift in his shawl dressinggown, most appropriately out

at elbows; but there was the same air about them alla kind of listless, jailbird, careless swagger, a

vagabondish who'safraid sort of bearing, which is wholly indescribable in words, but which any man can

understand in one moment if he wish, by setting foot in the nearest debtors' prison, and looking at the very

first group of people he sees there, with the same interest as Mr. Pickwick did.

'It strikes me, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, leaning over the iron rail at the stairhead'it strikes me, Sam, that

'You see how these fellows drink, and smoke, and roar,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'It's quite impossible that they

'Ah, that's just the wery thing, Sir,' rejoined Sam, 'they don't mind it; it's a reg'lar holiday to themall porter

and skittles. It's the t'other vuns as gets done over vith this sort o' thing; them downhearted fellers as can't

svig avay at the beer, nor play at skittles neither; them as vould pay if they could, and gets low by being

boxed up. I'll tell you wot it is, sir; them as is always aidlin' in publichouses it don't damage at all, and

them as is alvays aworkin' wen they can, it damages too much. "It's unekal," as my father used to say wen

'I think you're right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a few moments' reflection, 'quite right.'

'P'raps, now and then, there's some honest people as likes it,' observed Mr. Weller, in a ruminative tone, 'but I

never heerd o' one as I can call to mind, 'cept the little dirtyfaced man in the brown coat; and that was force

'Wy, he did wot many men as has been much better know'd has done in their time, Sir,' replied Sam, 'he run a

'Just that, Sir,' replied Sam, 'and in course o' time he come here in consekens. It warn't muchexecution for

nine pound nothin', multiplied by five for costs; but hows'ever here he stopped for seventeen year. If he got

any wrinkles in his face, they were stopped up vith the dirt, for both the dirty face and the brown coat wos

just the same at the end o' that time as they wos at the beginnin'. He wos a wery peaceful, inoffendin' little

creetur, and wos alvays abustlin' about for somebody, or playin' rackets and never vinnin'; till at last the

turnkeys they got quite fond on him, and he wos in the lodge ev'ry night, achattering vith 'em, and tellin'

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 386

stories, and all that 'ere. Vun night he wos in there as usual, along vith a wery old friend of his, as wos on the

lock, ven he says all of a sudden, "I ain't seen the market outside, Bill," he says (Fleet Market wos there at

that time)"I ain't seen the market outside, Bill," he says, "for seventeen year." "I know you ain't," says the

turnkey, smoking his pipe. "I should like to see it for a minit, Bill," he says. "Wery probable," says the

turnkey, smoking his pipe wery fierce, and making believe he warn't up to wot the little man wanted. "Bill,"

says the little man, more abrupt than afore, "I've got the fancy in my head. Let me see the public streets once

more afore I die; and if I ain't struck with apoplexy, I'll be back in five minits by the clock." "And wot 'ud

become o' me if you WOS struck with apoplexy?" said the turnkey. "Wy," says the little creetur, "whoever

found me, 'ud bring me home, for I've got my card in my pocket, Bill," he says, "No. 20, Coffeeroom

Flight": and that wos true, sure enough, for wen he wanted to make the acquaintance of any newcomer, he

used to pull out a little limp card vith them words on it and nothin' else; in consideration of vich, he vos

alvays called Number Tventy. The turnkey takes a fixed look at him, and at last he says in a solemn manner,

"Tventy," he says, "I'll trust you; you Won't get your old friend into trouble." "No, my boy; I hope I've

somethin' better behind here," says the little man; and as he said it he hit his little vesket wery hard, and then

a tear started out o' each eye, which wos wery extraordinary, for it wos supposed as water never touched his

'Wrong for vunce, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'for back he come, two minits afore the time, abilin' with rage,

sayin' how he'd been nearly run over by a hackneycoach that he warn't used to it; and he was blowed if he

wouldn't write to the lord mayor. They got him pacified at last; and for five years arter that, he never even so

'No, he didn't, Sir,' replied Sam. 'He got a curiosity to go and taste the beer at a new publichouse over the

way, and it wos such a wery nice parlour, that he took it into his head to go there every night, which he did

for a long time, always comin' back reg'lar about a quarter of an hour afore the gate shut, which was all wery

snug and comfortable. At last he began to get so precious jolly, that he used to forget how the time vent, or

care nothin' at all about it, and he went on gettin' later and later, till vun night his old friend wos just

ashuttin' the gatehad turned the key in factwen he come up. "Hold hard, Bill," he says. "Wot, ain't you

come home yet, Tventy?' says the turnkey, "I thought you wos in, long ago." "No, I wasn't," says the little

man, with a smile. "Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is, my friend," says the turnkey, openin' the gate wery slow

and sulky, "it's my 'pinion as you've got into bad company o' late, which I'm wery sorry to see. Now, I don't

wish to do nothing harsh," he says, "but if you can't confine yourself to steady circles, and find your vay back

at reg'lar hours, as sure as you're astandin' there, I'll shut you out altogether!" The little man was seized vith

a wiolent fit o' tremblin', and never vent outside the prison walls artervards!'

As Sam concluded, Mr. Pickwick slowly retraced his steps downstairs. After a few thoughtful turns in the

Painted Ground, which, as it was now dark, was nearly deserted, he intimated to Mr. Weller that he thought it

high time for him to withdraw for the night; requesting him to seek a bed in some adjacent public house,

and return early in the morning, to make arrangements for the removal of his master's wardrobe from the

George and Vulture. This request Mr. Samuel Weller prepared to obey, with as good a grace as he could

assume, but with a very considerable show of reluctance nevertheless. He even went so far as to essay sundry

ineffectual hints regarding the expediency of stretching himself on the gravel for that night; but finding Mr.

There is no disguising the fact that Mr. Pickwick felt very lowspirited and uncomfortablenot for lack of

society, for the prison was very full, and a bottle of wine would at once have purchased the utmost

goodfellowship of a few choice spirits, without any more formal ceremony of introduction; but he was alone

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 387

in the coarse, vulgar crowd, and felt the depression of spirits and sinking of heart, naturally consequent on the

reflection that he was cooped and caged up, without a prospect of liberation. As to the idea of releasing

himself by ministering to the sharpness of Dodson Fogg, it never for an instant entered his thoughts.

In this frame of mind he turned again into the coffeeroom gallery, and walked slowly to and fro. The place

was intolerably dirty, and the smell of tobacco smoke perfectly suffocating. There was a perpetual slamming

and banging of doors as the people went in and out; and the noise of their voices and footsteps echoed and

reechoed through the passages constantly. A young woman, with a child in her arms, who seemed scarcely

able to crawl, from emaciation and misery, was walking up and down the passage in conversation with her

husband, who had no other place to see her in. As they passed Mr. Pickwick, he could hear the female sob

bitterly; and once she burst into such a passion of grief, that she was compelled to lean against the wall for

Mr. Pickwick's heart was really too full to bear it, and he went upstairs to bed.

Now, although the warder's room was a very uncomfortable one (being, in every point of decoration and

convenience, several hundred degrees inferior to the common infirmary of a county jail), it had at present the

merit of being wholly deserted save by Mr. Pickwick himself. So, he sat down at the foot of his little iron

bedstead, and began to wonder how much a year the warder made out of the dirty room. Having satisfied

himself, by mathematical calculation, that the apartment was about equal in annual value to the freehold of a

small street in the suburbs of London, he took to wondering what possible temptation could have induced a

dingylooking fly that was crawling over his pantaloons, to come into a close prison, when he had the choice

of so many airy situationsa course of meditation which led him to the irresistible conclusion that the insect

was insane. After settling this point, he began to be conscious that he was getting sleepy; whereupon he took

his nightcap out of the pocket in which he had had the precaution to stow it in the morning, and, leisurely

'Bravo! Heel over toecut and shufflepay away at it, Zephyr! I'm smothered if the opera house isn't your

proper hemisphere. Keep it up! Hooray!' These expressions, delivered in a most boisterous tone, and

accompanied with loud peals of laughter, roused Mr. Pickwick from one of those sound slumbers which,

lasting in reality some halfhour, seem to the sleeper to have been protracted for three weeks or a month.

The voice had no sooner ceased than the room was shaken with such violence that the windows rattled in

their frames, and the bedsteads trembled again. Mr. Pickwick started up, and remained for some minutes

On the floor of the room, a man in a broadskirted green coat, with corduroy kneesmalls and gray cotton

stockings, was performing the most popular steps of a hornpipe, with a slang and burlesque caricature of

grace and lightness, which, combined with the very appropriate character of his costume, was inexpressibly

absurd. Another man, evidently very drunk, who had probably been tumbled into bed by his companions, was

sitting up between the sheets, warbling as much as he could recollect of a comic song, with the most intensely

sentimental feeling and expression; while a third, seated on one of the bedsteads, was applauding both

performers with the air of a profound connoisseur, and encouraging them by such ebullitions of feeling as had

This last man was an admirable specimen of a class of gentry which never can be seen in full perfection but

in such places they may be met with, in an imperfect state, occasionally about stableyards and

Publichouses; but they never attain their full bloom except in these hotbeds, which would almost seem to

be considerately provided by the legislature for the sole purpose of rearing them.

He was a tall fellow, with an olive complexion, long dark hair, and very thick bushy whiskers meeting under

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 388

his chin. He wore no neckerchief, as he had been playing rackets all day, and his Open shirt collar displayed

their full luxuriance. On his head he wore one of the common eighteenpenny French skullcaps, with a gaudy

tassel dangling therefrom, very happily in keeping with a common fustian coat. His legs, which, being long,

were afflicted with weakness, graced a pair of Oxfordmixture trousers, made to show the full symmetry of

those limbs. Being somewhat negligently braced, however, and, moreover, but imperfectly buttoned, they fell

in a series of not the most graceful folds over a pair of shoes sufficiently down at heel to display a pair of

very soiled white stockings. There was a rakish, vagabond smartness, and a kind of boastful rascality, about

This figure was the first to perceive that Mr. Pickwick was looking on; upon which he winked to the Zephyr,

and entreated him, with mock gravity, not to wake the gentleman. 'Why, bless the gentleman's honest heart

and soul!' said the Zephyr, turning round and affecting the extremity of surprise; 'the gentleman is awake.

Hem, Shakespeare! How do you do, Sir? How is Mary and Sarah, sir? and the dear old lady at home, Sir?

Will you have the kindness to put my compliments into the first little parcel you're sending that way, sir, and

say that I would have sent 'em before, only I was afraid they might be broken in the wagon, sir?'

'Don't overwhelm the gentlemen with ordinary civilities when you see he's anxious to have something to

drink,' said the gentleman with the whiskers, with a jocose air. 'Why don't you ask the gentleman what he'll

'Dear me, I quite forgot,' replied the other. 'What will you take, sir? Will you take port wine, sir, or sherry

wine, sir? I can recommend the ale, sir; or perhaps you'd like to taste the porter, sir? Allow me to have the

With this, the speaker snatched that article of dress from Mr. Pickwick's head, and fixed it in a twinkling on

that of the drunken man, who, firmly impressed with the belief that he was delighting a numerous assembly,

continued to hammer away at the comic song in the most melancholy strains imaginable.

Taking a man's nightcap from his brow by violent means, and adjusting it on the head of an unknown

gentleman, of dirty exterior, however ingenious a witticism in itself, is unquestionably one of those which

come under the denomination of practical jokes. Viewing the matter precisely in this light, Mr. Pickwick,

without the slightest intimation of his purpose, sprang vigorously out of bed, struck the Zephyr so smart a

blow in the chest as to deprive him of a considerable portion of the commodity which sometimes bears his

name, and then, recapturing his nightcap, boldly placed himself in an attitude of defence.

'Now,' said Mr. Pickwick, gasping no less from excitement than from the expenditure of so much energy,

'come onboth of youboth of you!' With this liberal invitation the worthy gentleman communicated a

revolving motion to his clenched fists, by way of appalling his antagonists with a display of science.

It might have been Mr. Pickwick's very unexpected gallantry, or it might have been the complicated manner

in which he had got himself out of bed, and fallen all in a mass upon the hornpipe man, that touched his

adversaries. Touched they were; for, instead of then and there making an attempt to commit man slaughter,

as Mr. Pickwick implicitly believed they would have done, they paused, stared at each other a short time, and

'Well, you're a trump, and I like you all the better for it,' said the Zephyr. 'Now jump into bed again, or you'll

catch the rheumatics. No malice, I hope?' said the man, extending a hand the size of the yellow clump of

'Certainly not,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great alacrity; for, now that the excitement was over, he began to feel

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 389

'Allow me the Honour,' said the gentleman with the whiskers, presenting his dexter hand, and aspirating the

'With much pleasure, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and having executed a very long and solemn shake, he got into

All this was very genteel and pleasant; and, to make matters still more comfortable, Mr. Smangle assured Mr.

Pickwick a great many more times that he entertained a very high respect for the feelings of a gentleman;

which sentiment, indeed, did him infinite credit, as he could be in no wise supposed to understand them.

'Are you going through the court, sir?' inquired Mr. Smangle. 'Through the what?' said Mr. Pickwick.

'I fear not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'I refuse to pay some damages, and am here in consequence.'

'Stationer! No, no; confound and curse me! Not so low as that. No trade. When I say paper, I mean bills.'

'Oh, you use the word in that sense. I see,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Damme! A gentleman must expect reverses,'

said Smangle. 'What of that? Here am I in the Fleet Prison. Well; good. What then? I'm none the worse for

'Not a bit,' replied Mr. Mivins. And he was quite right; for, so far from Mr. Smangle being any the worse for

it, he was something the better, inasmuch as to qualify himself for the place, he had attained gratuitous

possession of certain articles of jewellery, which, long before that, had found their way to the pawnbroker's.

'Well; but come,' said Mr. Smangle; 'this is dry work. Let's rinse our mouths with a drop of burnt sherry; the

lastcomer shall stand it, Mivins shall fetch it, and I'll help to drink it. That's a fair and gentlemanlike

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 390

Unwilling to hazard another quarrel, Mr. Pickwick gladly assented to the proposition, and consigned the

money to Mr. Mivins, who, as it was nearly eleven o'clock, lost no time in repairing to the coffeeroom on

'I say,' whispered Smangle, the moment his friend had left the room; 'what did you give him?'

'He's a devilish pleasant gentlemanly dog,' said Mr. Smangle; 'infernal pleasant. I don't know anybody

'You don't think there is any probability of his appropriating the money to his own use?' said Mr. Pickwick.

'Oh, no! Mind, I don't say that; I expressly say that he's a devilish gentlemanly fellow,' said Mr. Smangle. 'But

I think, perhaps, if somebody went down, just to see that he didn't dip his beak into the jug by accident, or

make some confounded mistake in losing the money as he came upstairs, it would be as well. Here, you sir,

This request was addressed to a little timidlooking, nervous man, whose appearance bespoke great poverty,

and who had been crouching on his bedstead all this while, apparently stupefied by the novelty of his

'You know where the coffeeroom is,' said Smangle; 'just run down, and tell that gentleman you've come to

help him up with the jug. OrstopI'll tell you whatI'll tell you how we'll do him,' said Smangle, with a

'Send down word that he's to spend the change in cigars. Capital thought. Run and tell him that; d'ye hear?

They shan't be wasted,' continued Smangle, turning to Mr. Pickwick. 'I'LL smoke 'em.'

This manoeuvring was so exceedingly ingenious and, withal, performed with such immovable composure and

coolness, that Mr. Pickwick would have had no wish to disturb it, even if he had had the power. In a short

time Mr. Mivins returned, bearing the sherry, which Mr. Smangle dispensed in two little cracked mugs;

considerately remarking, with reference to himself, that a gentleman must not be particular under such

circumstances, and that, for his part, he was not too proud to drink out of the jug. In which, to show his

An excellent understanding having been by these means promoted, Mr. Smangle proceeded to entertain his

hearers with a relation of divers romantic adventures in which he had been from time to time engaged,

involving various interesting anecdotes of a thoroughbred horse, and a magnificent Jewess, both of

surpassing beauty, and much coveted by the nobility and gentry of these kingdoms.

Long before these elegant extracts from the biography of a gentleman were concluded, Mr. Mivins had

betaken himself to bed, and had set in snoring for the night, leaving the timid stranger and Mr. Pickwick to

Nor were the two lastnamed gentlemen as much edified as they might have been by the moving passages

narrated. Mr. Pickwick had been in a state of slumber for some time, when he had a faint perception of the

drunken man bursting out afresh with the comic song, and receiving from Mr. Smangle a gentle intimation,

through the medium of the waterjug, that his audience was not musically disposed. Mr. Pickwick then once

CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT 391

again dropped off to sleep, with a confused consciousness that Mr. Smangle was still engaged in relating a

long story, the chief point of which appeared to be that, on some occasion particularly stated and set forth, he

When Mr. Pickwick opened his eyes next morning, the first object upon which they rested was Samuel

Weller, seated upon a small black portmanteau, intently regarding, apparently in a condition of profound

abstraction, the stately figure of the dashing Mr. Smangle; while Mr. Smangle himself, who was already

partially dressed, was seated on his bedstead, occupied in the desperately hopeless attempt of staring Mr.

Weller out of countenance. We say desperately hopeless, because Sam, with a comprehensive gaze which

took in Mr. Smangle's cap, feet, head, face, legs, and whiskers, all at the same time, continued to look

steadily on, with every demonstration of lively satisfaction, but with no more regard to Mr. Smangle's

personal sentiments on the subject than he would have displayed had he been inspecting a wooden statue, or a

'Not on no account,' replied Sam. 'if you'll tell me wen he wakes, I'll be upon the wery best extrasuper

behaviour!' This observation, having a remote tendency to imply that Mr. Smangle was no gentleman,

''Gad,' said Mr. Mivins, looking lazily out from under the bedclothes, 'I ought to ask YOU that. Hasn't he

'No,' replied Mr. Smangle. 'Then knock him downstairs, and tell him not to presume to get up till I come and

kick him,' rejoined Mr. Mivins; with this prompt advice that excellent gentleman again betook himself to

The conversation exhibiting these unequivocal symptoms of verging on the personal, Mr. Pickwick deemed it

'Nothin' partickler, sir,' replied Sam, glancing at Mr. Smangle's whiskers; 'the late prewailance of a close and

confined atmosphere has been rayther favourable to the growth of veeds, of an alarmin' and sangvinary natur;

'I shall get up,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'give me some clean things.' Whatever hostile intentions Mr. Smangle

might have entertained, his thoughts were speedily diverted by the unpacking of the portmanteau; the

contents of which appeared to impress him at once with a most favourable opinion, not only of Mr. Pickwick,

but of Sam also, who, he took an early opportunity of declaring in a tone of voice loud enough for that

eccentric personage to overhear, was a regular thoroughbred original, and consequently the very man after his

own heart. As to Mr. Pickwick, the affection he conceived for him knew no limits.

'No linen that you want sent to the washerwoman's? I know a delightful washerwoman outside, that comes for

my things twice a week; and, by Jove!how devilish lucky!this is the day she calls. Shall I put any of

those little things up with mine? Don't say anything about the trouble. Confound and curse it! if one

gentleman under a cloud is not to put himself a little out of the way to assist another gentleman in the same

Thus spake Mr. Smangle, edging himself meanwhile as near as possible to the portmanteau, and beaming

'There's nothing you want to give out for the man to brush, my dear creature, is there?' resumed Smangle.

'Nothin' whatever, my fine feller,' rejoined Sam, taking the reply into his own mouth. 'P'raps if vun of us wos

to brush, without troubling the man, it 'ud be more agreeable for all parties, as the schoolmaster said when the

'And there's nothing I can send in my little box to the washer woman's, is there?' said Smangle, turning from

'Nothin' whatever, Sir,' retorted Sam; 'I'm afeered the little box must be chock full o' your own as it is.'

This speech was accompanied with such a very expressive look at that particular portion of Mr. Smangle's

attire, by the appearance of which the skill of laundresses in getting up gentlemen's linen is generally tested,

that he was fain to turn upon his heel, and, for the present at any rate, to give up all design on Mr. Pickwick's

purse and wardrobe. He accordingly retired in dudgeon to the racketground, where he made a light and

whole some breakfast on a couple of the cigars which had been purchased on the previous night. Mr.

Mivins, who was no smoker, and whose account for small articles of chandlery had also reached down to the

bottom of the slate, and been 'carried over' to the other side, remained in bed, and, in his own words, 'took it

After breakfasting in a small closet attached to the coffee room, which bore the imposing title of the

Snuggery, the temporary inmate of which, in consideration of a small additional charge, had the unspeakable

advantage of overhearing all the conversation in the coffeeroom aforesaid; and, after despatching Mr.

Weller on some necessary errands, Mr. Pickwick repaired to the lodge, to consult Mr. Roker concerning his

'Accommodation, eh?' said that gentleman, consulting a large book. 'Plenty of that, Mr. Pickwick. Your

'Why,' said Mr. Roker, 'it's as plain as Salisbury. You'll have a chummage ticket upon twentyseven in the

'One of 'em's a parson,' said Mr. Roker, filling up a little piece of paper as he spoke; 'another's a butcher.'

'A butcher,' repeated Mr. Roker, giving the nib of his pen a tap on the desk to cure it of a disinclination to

mark. 'What a thoroughpaced goer he used to be surely! You remember Tom Martin, Neddy?' said Roker,

appealing to another man in the lodge, who was paring the mud off his shoes with a fiveand

'I should think so,' replied the party addressed, with a strong emphasis on the personal pronoun.

'Bless my dear eyes!' said Mr. Roker, shaking his head slowly from side to side, and gazing abstractedly out

of the grated windows before him, as if he were fondly recalling some peaceful scene of his early youth; 'it

seems but yesterday that he whopped the coalheaver down FoxundertheHill by the wharf there. I think I

can see him now, acoming up the Strand between the two streetkeepers, a little sobered by the bruising,

with a patch o' winegar and brown paper over his right eyelid, and that 'ere lovely bulldog, as pinned the little

boy arterwards, afollowing at his heels. What a rum thing time is, ain't it, Neddy?'

The gentleman to whom these observations were addressed, who appeared of a taciturn and thoughtful cast,

merely echoed the inquiry; Mr. Roker, shaking off the poetical and gloomy train of thought into which he had

'Do you know what the third gentlemen is?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, not very much gratified by this

'Why, him in twentyseven in the third, that this gentleman's going to be chummed on.'

'Oh, him!' replied Neddy; 'he's nothing exactly. He WAS a horse chaunter: he's a leg now.'

'Ah, so I thought,' rejoined Mr. Roker, closing the book, and placing the small piece of paper in Mr.

Very much perplexed by this summary disposition of this person, Mr. Pickwick walked back into the prison,

revolving in his mind what he had better do. Convinced, however, that before he took any other steps it

would be advisable to see, and hold personal converse with, the three gentlemen with whom it was proposed

After groping about in the gallery for some time, attempting in the dim light to decipher the numbers on the

different doors, he at length appealed to a potboy, who happened to be pursuing his morning occupation of

'Five doors farther on,' replied the potboy. 'There's the likeness of a man being hung, and smoking the while,

Guided by this direction, Mr. Pickwick proceeded slowly along the gallery until he encountered the 'portrait

of a gentleman,' above described, upon whose countenance he tapped, with the knuckle of his

forefingergently at first, and then audibly. After repeating this process several times without effect, he

There was only one man in the room, and he was leaning out of window as far as he could without

overbalancing himself, endeavouring, with great perseverance, to spit upon the crown of the hat of a personal

friend on the parade below. As neither speaking, coughing, sneezing, knocking, nor any other ordinary mode

of attracting attention, made this person aware of the presence of a visitor, Mr. Pickwick, after some delay,

stepped up to the window, and pulled him gently by the coat tail. The individual brought in his head and

shoulders with great swiftness, and surveying Mr. Pickwick from head to foot, demanded in a surly tone what

'I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his ticket'I believe this is twentyseven in the third?'

'I have come here in consequence of receiving this bit of paper,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick.

'I think Roker might have chummed you somewhere else,' said Mr. Simpson (for it was the leg), after a very

Mr. Pickwick thought so also; but, under all the circumstances, he considered it a matter of sound policy to be

silent. Mr. Simpson mused for a few moments after this, and then, thrusting his head out of the window, gave

a shrill whistle, and pronounced some word aloud, several times. What the word was, Mr. Pickwick could not

distinguish; but he rather inferred that it must be some nickname which distinguished Mr. Martin, from the

fact of a great number of gentlemen on the ground below, immediately proceeding to cry 'Butcher!' in

imitation of the tone in which that useful class of society are wont, diurnally, to make their presence known at

Subsequent occurrences confirmed the accuracy of Mr. Pickwick's impression; for, in a few seconds, a

gentleman, prematurely broad for his years, clothed in a professional blue jean frock and topboots with

circular toes, entered the room nearly out of breath, closely followed by another gentleman in very shabby

black, and a sealskin cap. The latter gentleman, who fastened his coat all the way up to his chin by means of a

pin and a button alternately, had a very coarse red face, and looked like a drunken chaplain; which, indeed, he

These two gentlemen having by turns perused Mr. Pickwick's billet, the one expressed his opinion that it was

'a rig,' and the other his conviction that it was 'a go.' Having recorded their feelings in these very intelligible

'It's an aggravating thing, just as we got the beds so snug,' said the chaplain, looking at three dirty mattresses,

each rolled up in a blanket; which occupied one corner of the room during the day, and formed a kind of slab,

on which were placed an old cracked basin, ewer, and soapdish, of common yellow earthenware, with a

Mr. Martin expressed the same opinion in rather stronger terms; Mr. Simpson, after having let a variety of

expletive adjectives loose upon society without any substantive to accompany them, tucked up his sleeves,

While this was going on, Mr. Pickwick had been eyeing the room, which was filthily dirty, and smelt

intolerably close. There was no vestige of either carpet, curtain, or blind. There was not even a closet in it.

Unquestionably there were but few things to put away, if there had been one; but, however few in number, or

small in individual amount, still, remnants of loaves and pieces of cheese, and damp towels, and scrags of

meat, and articles of wearing apparel, and mutilated crockery, and bellows without nozzles, and

toastingforks without prongs, do present somewhat of an uncomfortable appearance when they are scattered

about the floor of a small apartment, which is the common sitting and sleeping room of three idle men.

'I suppose this can be managed somehow,' said the butcher, after a pretty long silence. 'What will you take to

go out?' 'I beg your pardon,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'What did you say? I hardly understand you.'

'What will you take to be paid out?' said the butcher. 'The regular chummage is twoandsix. Will you take

'Well, I don't mind that; it's only twopence a piece more,' said Mr. Martin. 'What do you say, now? We'll pay

'I really am so wholly ignorant of the rules of this place,' returned Mr. Pickwick, 'that I do not yet

At this inquiry Mr. Martin looked, with a countenance of excessive surprise, at his two friends, and then each

gentleman pointed with his right thumb over his left shoulder. This action imperfectly described in words by

the very feeble term of 'over the left,' when performed by any number of ladies or gentlemen who are

accustomed to act in unison, has a very graceful and airy effect; its expression is one of light and playful

'Well, if I knew as little of life as that, I'd eat my hat and swallow the buckle whole,' said the clerical

After this introductory preface, the three chums informed Mr. Pickwick, in a breath, that money was, in the

Fleet, just what money was out of it; that it would instantly procure him almost anything he desired; and that,

supposing he had it, and had no objection to spend it, if he only signified his wish to have a room to himself,

he might take possession of one, furnished and fitted to boot, in half an hour's time.

With this the parties separated, very much to their common satisfaction; Mr. Pickwick once more retracing

his steps to the lodge, and the three companions adjourning to the coffeeroom, there to spend the five

shillings which the clerical gentleman had, with admirable prudence and foresight, borrowed of him for the

'I knowed it!' said Mr. Roker, with a chuckle, when Mr. Pickwick stated the object with which he had

'I knowed you'd want a room for yourself, bless you!' said Mr. Roker. 'Let me see. You'll want some

'There's a capital room up in the coffeeroom flight, that belongs to a Chancery prisoner,' said Mr. Roker.

'Just step there with me,' said Roker, taking up his hat with great alacrity; 'the matter's settled in five minutes.

The matter was soon arranged, as the turnkey had foretold. The Chancery prisoner had been there long

enough to have lost his friends, fortune, home, and happiness, and to have acquired the right of having a room

to himself. As he laboured, however, under the inconvenience of often wanting a morsel of bread, he eagerly

listened to Mr. Pickwick's proposal to rent the apartment, and readily covenanted and agreed to yield him up

the sole and undisturbed possession thereof, in consideration of the weekly payment of twenty shillings; from

which fund he furthermore contracted to pay out any person or persons that might be chummed upon it.

As they struck the bargain, Mr. Pickwick surveyed him with a painful interest. He was a tall, gaunt,

cadaverous man, in an old greatcoat and slippers, with sunken cheeks, and a restless, eager eye. His lips were

bloodless, and his bones sharp and thin. God help him! the iron teeth of confinement and privation had been

'And where will you live meanwhile, Sir?' said Mr. Pickwick, as he laid the amount of the first week's rent, in

The man gathered up the money with a trembling hand, and replied that he didn't know yet; he must go and

'I am afraid, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, laying his hand gently and compassionately on his arm'I am afraid you

will have to live in some noisy, crowded place. Now, pray, consider this room your own when you want

'Friends!' interposed the man, in a voice which rattled in his throat. 'if I lay dead at the bottom of the deepest

mine in the world; tight screwed down and soldered in my coffin; rotting in the dark and filthy ditch that

drags its slime along, beneath the foundations of this prison; I could not be more forgotten or unheeded than I

am here. I am a dead man; dead to society, without the pity they bestow on those whose souls have passed to

judgment. Friends to see me! My God! I have sunk, from the prime of life into old age, in this place, and

there is not one to raise his hand above my bed when I lie dead upon it, and say, "It is a blessing he is gone!"'

The excitement, which had cast an unwonted light over the man's face, while he spoke, subsided as he

concluded; and pressing his withered hands together in a hasty and disordered manner, he shuffled from the

'Rides rather rusty,' said Mr. Roker, with a smile. 'Ah! they're like the elephants. They feel it now and then,

Having made this deeplysympathising remark, Mr. Roker entered upon his arrangements with such

expedition, that in a short time the room was furnished with a carpet, six chairs, a table, a sofa bedstead, a

teakettle, and various small articles, on hire, at the very reasonable rate of sevenandtwenty shillings and

'Now, is there anything more we can do for you?' inquired Mr. Roker, looking round with great satisfaction,

'Why, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick, who had been musing deeply for some time. 'Are there any people here who

'Yes, there is,' said Roker. 'There's an unfortunate devil, who has got a friend on the poor side, that's glad to

do anything of that sort. He's been running odd jobs, and that, for the last two months. Shall I send him?'

'If you please,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Stay; no. The poor side, you say? I should like to see it. I'll go to him

The poor side of a debtor's prison is, as its name imports, that in which the most miserable and abject class of

debtors are confined. A prisoner having declared upon the poor side, pays neither rent nor chummage. His

fees, upon entering and leaving the jail, are reduced in amount, and he becomes entitled to a share of some

small quantities of food: to provide which, a few charitable persons have, from time to time, left trifling

legacies in their wills. Most of our readers will remember, that, until within a very few years past, there was a

kind of iron cage in the wall of the Fleet Prison, within which was posted some man of hungry looks, who,

from time to time, rattled a moneybox, and exclaimed in a mournful voice, 'Pray, remember the poor

debtors; pray remember the poor debtors.' The receipts of this box, when there were any, were divided among

the poor prisoners; and the men on the poor side relieved each other in this degrading office.

Although this custom has been abolished, and the cage is now boarded up, the miserable and destitute

condition of these unhappy persons remains the same. We no longer suffer them to appeal at the prison gates

to the charity and compassion of the passersby; but we still leave unblotted the leaves of our statute book, for

the reverence and admiration of succeeding ages, the just and wholesome law which declares that the sturdy

felon shall be fed and clothed, and that the penniless debtor shall be left to die of starvation and nakedness.

This is no fiction. Not a week passes over our head, but, in every one of our prisons for debt, some of these

men must inevitably expire in the slow agonies of want, if they were not relieved by their fellowprisoners.

Turning these things in his mind, as he mounted the narrow staircase at the foot of which Roker had left him,

Mr. Pickwick gradually worked himself to the boilingover point; and so excited was he with his reflections

on this subject, that he had burst into the room to which he had been directed, before he had any distinct

recollection, either of the place in which he was, or of the object of his visit.

The general aspect of the room recalled him to himself at once; but he had no sooner cast his eye on the

figure of a man who was brooding over the dusty fire, than, letting his hat fall on the floor, he stood perfectly

Yes; in tattered garments, and without a coat; his common calico shirt, yellow and in rags; his hair hanging

over his face; his features changed with suffering, and pinched with famine there sat Mr. Alfred Jingle; his

head resting on his hands, his eyes fixed upon the fire, and his whole appearance denoting misery and

Near him, leaning listlessly against the wall, stood a strong built countryman, flicking with a wornout

huntingwhip the topboot that adorned his right foot; his left being thrust into an old slipper. Horses, dogs,

and drink had brought him there, pellmell. There was a rusty spur on the solitary boot, which he

occasionally jerked into the empty air, at the same time giving the boot a smart blow, and muttering some of

the sounds by which a sportsman encourages his horse. He was riding, in imagination, some desperate

steeplechase at that moment. Poor wretch! He never rode a match on the swiftest animal in his costly stud,

with half the speed at which he had torn along the course that ended in the Fleet.

On the opposite side of the room an old man was seated on a small wooden box, with his eyes riveted on the

floor, and his face settled into an expression of the deepest and most hopeless despair. A young girlhis

little granddaughterwas hanging about him, endeavouring, with a thousand childish devices, to engage

his attention; but the old man neither saw nor heard her. The voice that had been music to him, and the eyes

that had been light, fell coldly on his senses. His limbs were shaking with disease, and the palsy had fastened

There were two or three other men in the room, congregated in a little knot, and noiselessly talking among

themselves. There was a lean and haggard woman, tooa prisoner's wifewho was watering, with great

solicitude, the wretched stump of a driedup, withered plant, which, it was plain to see, could never send

forth a green leaf againtoo true an emblem, perhaps, of the office she had come there to discharge.

Such were the objects which presented themselves to Mr. Pickwick's view, as he looked round him in

amazement. The noise of some one stumbling hastily into the room, roused him. Turning his eyes towards the

door, they encountered the new comer; and in him, through his rags and dirt, he recognised the familiar

'Eh?' said Jingle, starting from his seat. 'Mr ! So it is queer placestrange thingsserves me

rightvery.' Mr. Jingle thrust his hands into the place where his trousers pockets used to be, and, dropping

Mr. Pickwick was affected; the two men looked so very miserable. The sharp, involuntary glance Jingle had

cast at a small piece of raw loin of mutton, which Job had brought in with him, said more of their reduced

state than two hours' explanation could have done. Mr. Pickwick looked mildly at Jingle, and said

'Certainly,' said Jingle, rising hastily. 'Can't step farno danger of overwalking yourself herespike

parkgrounds prettyromantic, but not extensiveopen for public inspection family always in

'You have forgotten your coat,' said Mr. Pickwick, as they walked out to the staircase, and closed the door

'Eh?' said Jingle. 'Spoutdear relationuncle Tom couldn't help itmust eat, you know. Wants of

'Gone, my dear sirlast coatcan't help it. Lived on a pair of bootswhole fortnight. Silk

'Lived for three weeks upon a pair of boots, and a silk umbrella with an ivory handle!' exclaimed Mr.

Pickwick, who had only heard of such things in shipwrecks or read of them in Constable's Miscellany.

'True,' said Jingle, nodding his head. 'Pawnbroker's shop duplicates heresmall sumsmere

'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick, much relieved by this explanation; 'I understand you. You have pawned your

gentlemen of the jurywarden's tradesmenkeep it snug natural deathcoroner's orderworkhouse

Jingle delivered this singular summary of his prospects in life, with his accustomed volubility, and with

various twitches of the countenance to counterfeit smiles. Mr. Pickwick easily perceived that his recklessness

was assumed, and looking him full, but not unkindly, in the face, saw that his eyes were moist with tears.

'Good fellow,' said Jingle, pressing his hand, and turning his head away. 'Ungrateful dogboyish to

crycan't help itbad feverweakillhungry. Deserved it allbut suffered muchvery.' Wholly

unable to keep up appearances any longer, and perhaps rendered worse by the effort he had made, the

dejected stroller sat down on the stairs, and, covering his face with his hands, sobbed like a child.

'Come, come,' said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable emotion, 'we will see what can be done, when I know all

'Here, sir,' replied Job, presenting himself on the staircase. We have described him, by the bye, as having

deeplysunken eyes, in the best of times. In his present state of want and distress, he looked as if those

'Come here, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, trying to look stern, with four large tears running down his waistcoat.

Take what? In the ordinary acceptation of such language, it should have been a blow. As the world runs, it

ought to have been a sound, hearty cuff; for Mr. Pickwick had been duped, deceived, and wronged by the

destitute outcast who was now wholly in his power. Must we tell the truth? It was something from Mr.

Pickwick's waistcoat pocket, which chinked as it was given into Job's hand, and the giving of which,

somehow or other imparted a sparkle to the eye, and a swelling to the heart, of our excellent old friend, as he

Sam had returned when Mr. Pickwick reached his own room, and was inspecting the arrangements that had

been made for his comfort, with a kind of grim satisfaction which was very pleasant to look upon. Having a

decided objection to his master's being there at all, Mr. Weller appeared to consider it a high moral duty not

to appear too much pleased with anything that was done, said, suggested, or proposed.

'Yes, I HAVE seen 'em, sir, and they're acomin' tomorrow, and wos wery much surprised to hear they

Mr. Weller in reply pointed to various packages which he had arranged, as neatly as he could, in a corner of

'Very well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a little hesitation; 'listen to what I am going to say, Sam.'

'I have felt from the first, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, with much solemnity, 'that this is not the place to bring a

'You're quite right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but old men may come here through their own heedlessness and

unsuspicion, and young men may be brought here by the selfishness of those they serve. It is better for those

young men, in every point of view, that they should not remain here. Do you understand me, Sam?'

'Vell, sir,' rejoined Sam, after a short pause, 'I think I see your drift; and if I do see your drift, it's my 'pinion

that you're a comin' it a great deal too strong, as the mailcoachman said to the snowstorm, ven it overtook

'I see you comprehend me, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Independently of my wish that you should not be idling

about a place like this, for years to come, I feel that for a debtor in the Fleet to be attended by his manservant

is a monstrous absurdity. Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'for a time you must leave me.'

'Yes, for the time that I remain here,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Your wages I shall continue to pay. Any one of my

three friends will be happy to take you, were it only out of respect to me. And if I ever do leave this place,

Sam,' added Mr. Pickwick, with assumed cheerfulness'if I do, I pledge you my word that you shall return

'Now I'll tell you wot it is, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, in a grave and solemn voice. 'This here sort o' thing won't do

at all, so don't let's hear no more about it.' 'I am serious, and resolved, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick.

'You air, air you, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller firmly. 'Wery good, Sir; then so am I.'

Thus speaking, Mr. Weller fixed his hat on his head with great precision, and abruptly left the room.

But the long gallery ceased to reecho the sound of footsteps. Sam Weller was gone.

In a lofty room, illlighted and worse ventilated, situated in Portugal Street, Lincoln's Inn Fields, there sit

nearly the whole year round, one, two, three, or four gentlemen in wigs, as the case may be, with little

writingdesks before them, constructed after the fashion of those used by the judges of the land, barring the

French polish. There is a box of barristers on their right hand; there is an enclosure of insolvent debtors on

their left; and there is an inclined plane of most especially dirty faces in their front. These gentlemen are the

Commissioners of the Insolvent Court, and the place in which they sit, is the Insolvent Court itself.

It is, and has been, time out of mind, the remarkable fate of this court to be, somehow or other, held and

understood, by the general consent of all the destitute shabbygenteel people in London, as their common

resort, and place of daily refuge. It is always full. The steams of beer and spirits perpetually ascend to the

ceiling, and, being condensed by the heat, roll down the walls like rain; there are more old suits of clothes in

it at one time, than will be offered for sale in all Houndsditch in a twelvemonth; more unwashed skins and

grizzly beards than all the pumps and shavingshops between Tyburn and Whitechapel could render decent,

It must not be supposed that any of these people have the least shadow of business in, or the remotest

connection with, the place they so indefatigably attend. If they had, it would be no matter of surprise, and the

singularity of the thing would cease. Some of them sleep during the greater part of the sitting; others carry

small portable dinners wrapped in pockethandkerchiefs or sticking out of their wornout pockets, and

munch and listen with equal relish; but no one among them was ever known to have the slightest personal

interest in any case that was ever brought forward. Whatever they do, there they sit from the first moment to

the last. When it is heavy, rainy weather, they all come in, wet through; and at such times the vapours of the

A casual visitor might suppose this place to be a temple dedicated to the Genius of Seediness. There is not a

messenger or processserver attached to it, who wears a coat that was made for him; not a tolerably fresh, or

wholesomelooking man in the whole establishment, except a little whiteheaded applefaced tipstaff, and

even he, like an illconditioned cherry preserved in brandy, seems to have artificially dried and withered up

into a state of preservation to which he can lay no natural claim. The very barristers' wigs are illpowdered,

But the attorneys, who sit at a large bare table below the commissioners, are, after all, the greatest curiosities.

The professional establishment of the more opulent of these gentlemen, consists of a blue bag and a boy;

generally a youth of the Jewish persuasion. They have no fixed offices, their legal business being transacted

in the parlours of publichouses, or the yards of prisons, whither they repair in crowds, and canvass for

customers after the manner of omnibus cads. They are of a greasy and mildewed appearance; and if they can

be said to have any vices at all, perhaps drinking and cheating are the most conspicuous among them. Their

residences are usually on the outskirts of 'the Rules,' chiefly lying within a circle of one mile from the obelisk

in St. George's Fields. Their looks are not prepossessing, and their manners are peculiar.

Mr. Solomon Pell, one of this learned body, was a fat, flabby, pale man, in a surtout which looked green one

minute, and brown the next, with a velvet collar of the same chameleon tints. His forehead was narrow, his

face wide, his head large, and his nose all on one side, as if Nature, indignant with the propensities she

observed in him in his birth, had given it an angry tweak which it had never recovered. Being shortnecked

and asthmatic, however, he respired principally through this feature; so, perhaps, what it wanted in ornament,

'Certain sure,' replied Pell; 'but if he'd gone to any irregular practitioner, mind you, I wouldn't have answered

'No, that I wouldn't,' said Mr. Pell; and he pursed up his lips, frowned, and shook his head mysteriously.

Now, the place where this discourse occurred was the public house just opposite to the Insolvent Court; and

the person with whom it was held was no other than the elder Mr. Weller, who had come there, to comfort

and console a friend, whose petition to be discharged under the act, was to be that day heard, and whose

Mr. Pell jerked his head in the direction of a back parlour, whither Mr. Weller at once repairing, was

immediately greeted in the warmest and most flattering manner by some halfdozen of his professional

brethren, in token of their gratification at his arrival. The insolvent gentleman, who had contracted a

speculative but imprudent passion for horsing long stages, which had led to his present embarrassments,

looked extremely well, and was soothing the excitement of his feelings with shrimps and porter.

The salutation between Mr. Weller and his friends was strictly confined to the freemasonry of the craft;

consisting of a jerking round of the right wrist, and a tossing of the little finger into the air at the same time.

We once knew two famous coachmen (they are dead now, poor fellows) who were twins, and between whom

an unaffected and devoted attachment existed. They passed each other on the Dover road, every day, for

twentyfour years, never exchanging any other greeting than this; and yet, when one died, the other pined

'Vell, George,' said Mr. Weller senior, taking off his upper coat, and seating himself with his accustomed

'Is the gray mare made over to anybody?' inquired Mr. Weller anxiously. George nodded in the affirmative.

'Consigned in a safe quarter,' replied George, wringing the heads off half a dozen shrimps, and swallowing

'Wery good, wery good,' said Mr. Weller. 'Alvays see to the drag ven you go downhill. Is the vaybill all

'The schedule, sir,' said Pell, guessing at Mr. Weller's meaning, 'the schedule is as plain and satisfactory as

Mr. Weller nodded in a manner which bespoke his inward approval of these arrangements; and then, turning

'Why,' replied Mr. Pell, 'he stands third on the opposed list, and I should think it would be his turn in about

half an hour. I told my clerk to come over and tell us when there was a chance.'

Mr. Weller surveyed the attorney from head to foot with great admiration, and said emphatically

'Why, really,' replied Mr. Pell, 'you're very Upon my word and honour, I'm not in the habit of It's so

very early in the morning, that, actually, I am almost Well, you may bring me threepenn'orth of rum, my

The officiating damsel, who had anticipated the order before it was given, set the glass of spirits before Pell,

'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, looking round upon the company, 'success to your friend! I don't like to boast,

gentlemen; it's not my way; but I can't help saying, that, if your friend hadn't been fortunate enough to fall

into hands that But I won't say what I was going to say. Gentlemen, my service to you.' Having emptied

the glass in a twinkling, Mr. Pell smacked his lips, and looked complacently round on the assembled

'I think you was remarkin' as you wouldn't have no objection to another o' the same, Sir,' said Mr. Weller,

with grave facetiousness. 'Ha, ha!' laughed Mr. Pell. 'Not bad, not bad. A professional man, too! At this time

of the morning, it would be rather too good a Well, I don't know, my dearyou may do that again, if you

This last sound was a solemn and dignified cough, in which Mr. Pell, observing an indecent tendency to

'Ah! Why, indeed!' said a very redfaced man, who had said nothing yet, and who looked extremely unlikely

'I remember, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, 'dining with him on one occasion; there was only us two, but

everything as splendid as if twenty people had been expectedthe great seal on a dumb waiter at his right

hand, and a man in a bagwig and suit of armour guarding the mace with a drawn sword and silk stockings

which is perpetually done, gentlemen, night and day; when he said, "Pell," he said, "no false delicacy, Pell.

You're a man of talent; you can get anybody through the Insolvent Court, Pell; and your country should be

proud of you." Those were his very words. "My Lord," I said, "you flatter me.""Pell," he said, "if I do, I'm

'Vell, then,' said Mr. Weller, 'I say Parliament ought to ha' took it up; and if he'd been a poor man, they would

'Oh! wery good,' replied Mr. Weller, after a little reflection. 'If he damned hisself in confidence, o' course that

'Of course it was,' said Mr. Pell. 'The distinction's obvious, you will perceive.'

'Alters the case entirely,' said Mr. Weller. 'Go on, Sir.' 'No, I will not go on, Sir,' said Mr. Pell, in a low and

serious tone. 'You have reminded me, Sir, that this conversation was privateprivate and confidential,

gentlemen. Gentlemen, I am a professional man. It may be that I am a good deal looked up to, in my

professionit may be that I am not. Most people know. I say nothing. Observations have already been made,

in this room, injurious to the reputation of my noble friend. You will excuse me, gentlemen; I was imprudent.

I feel that I have no right to mention this matter without his concurrence. Thank you, Sir; thank you.' Thus

delivering himself, Mr. Pell thrust his hands into his pockets, and, frowning grimly around, rattled three

This virtuous resolution had scarcely been formed, when the boy and the blue bag, who were inseparable

companions, rushed violently into the room, and said (at least the boy did, for the blue bag took no part in the

announcement) that the case was coming on directly. The intelligence was no sooner received than the whole

party hurried across the street, and began to fight their way into courta preparatory ceremony, which has

been calculated to occupy, in ordinary cases, from twentyfive minutes to thirty.

Mr. Weller, being stout, cast himself at once into the crowd, with the desperate hope of ultimately turning up

in some place which would suit him. His success was not quite equal to his expectations; for having

neglected to take his hat off, it was knocked over his eyes by some unseen person, upon whose toes he had

alighted with considerable force. Apparently this individual regretted his impetuosity immediately afterwards,

for, muttering an indistinct exclamation of surprise, he dragged the old man out into the hall, and, after a

'Samivel!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, when he was thus enabled to behold his rescuer.

'You're a dutiful and affectionate little boy, you are, ain't you,' said Mr. Weller, 'to come abonnetin' your

'How should I know who you wos?' responded the son. 'Do you s'pose I wos to tell you by the weight o' your

'Vell, that's wery true, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, mollified at once; 'but wot are you adoin' on here? Your

gov'nor can't do no good here, Sammy. They won't pass that werdick, they won't pass it, Sammy.' And Mr.

'Wot a perwerse old file it is!' exclaimed Sam. 'always agoin' on about werdicks and alleybis and that. Who

'Leave off rattlin' that 'ere nob o' yourn, if you don't want it to come off the springs altogether,' said Sam

impatiently, 'and behave reasonable. I vent all the vay down to the Markis o' Granby, arter you, last night.'

'Did you see the Marchioness o' Granby, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller, with a sigh.

'Wery queer,' said Sam. 'I think she's ainjurin' herself gradivally vith too much o' that 'ere pineapple rum,

'I do, indeed,' replied the junior. Mr. Weller seized his son's hand, clasped it, and let it fall. There was an

expression on his countenance in doing sonot of dismay or apprehension, but partaking more of the sweet

and gentle character of hope. A gleam of resignation, and even of cheerfulness, passed over his face too, as he

slowly said, 'I ain't quite certain, Sammy; I wouldn't like to say I wos altogether positive, in case of any

subsekent disappointment, but I rayther think, my boy, I rayther think, that the shepherd's got the liver

'He's uncommon pale,' replied his father, ''cept about the nose, which is redder than ever. His appetite is wery

Some thoughts of the rum appeared to obtrude themselves on Mr. Weller's mind, as he said this; for he

looked gloomy and thoughtful; but he very shortly recovered, as was testified by a perfect alphabet of winks,

'Vell, now,' said Sam, 'about my affair. Just open them ears o' yourn, and don't say nothin' till I've done.' With

this preface, Sam related, as succinctly as he could, the last memorable conversation he had had with Mr.

'Stop there by himself, poor creetur!' exclaimed the elder Mr. Weller, 'without nobody to take his part! It can't

'O' course it can't,' asserted Sam: 'I know'd that, afore I came.' 'Why, they'll eat him up alive,

'He goes in rayther raw, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller metaphorically, 'and he'll come out, done so exceedin'

brown, that his most formiliar friends won't know him. Roast pigeon's nothin' to it, Sammy.'

'Vell now,' said Sam, 'you've been aprophecyin' away, wery fine, like a redfaced Nixon, as the sixpenny

'Never mind who he was,' retorted Sam; 'he warn't a coachman; that's enough for you.' 'I know'd a ostler o'

'I wish I'd know'd him, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'P'raps he might ha' throw'd a small light on that 'ere liver

complaint as we wos aspeakin' on, just now. Hows'ever, if he's dead, and ain't left the bisness to nobody,

'Well,' said Sam, 'you've been aprophecyin' avay about wot'll happen to the gov'ner if he's left alone. Don't

'No vay,' said Mr. Weller, 'unless'and a gleam of intelligence lighted up his countenance as he sank his

voice to a whisper, and applied his mouth to the ear of his offspring'unless it is getting him out in a

turnup bedstead, unbeknown to the turnkeys, Sammy, or dressin' him up like a old 'ooman vith a green wail.'

Sam Weller received both of these suggestions with unexpected contempt, and again propounded his

'No,' said the old gentleman; 'if he von't let you stop there, I see no vay at all. It's no thoroughfare, Sammy, no

'Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is,' said Sam, 'I'll trouble you for the loan of fiveandtwenty pound.'

'Never mind,' replied Sam. 'P'raps you may ask for it five minits arterwards; p'raps I may say I von't pay, and

cut up rough. You von't think o' arrestin' your own son for the money, and sendin' him off to the Fleet, will

At this reply of Sam's, the father and son exchanged a complete code of telegraph nods and gestures, after

which, the elder Mr. Weller sat himself down on a stone step and laughed till he was purple.

'Wot a old image it is!' exclaimed Sam, indignant at this loss of time. 'What are you asettin' down there for,

conwertin' your face into a streetdoor knocker, wen there's so much to be done. Where's the money?' 'In

the boot, Sammy, in the boot,' replied Mr. Weller, composing his features. 'Hold my hat, Sammy.'

Having divested himself of this encumbrance, Mr. Weller gave his body a sudden wrench to one side, and by

a dexterous twist, contrived to get his right hand into a most capacious pocket, from whence, after a great

deal of panting and exertion, he extricated a pocketbook of the large octavo size, fastened by a huge leathern

strap. From this ledger he drew forth a couple of whiplashes, three or four buckles, a little samplebag of

corn, and, finally, a small roll of very dirty banknotes, from which he selected the required amount, which

'And now, Sammy,' said the old gentleman, when the whip lashes, and the buckles, and the samples, had

been all put back, and the book once more deposited at the bottom of the same pocket, 'now, Sammy, I know

a gen'l'm'n here, as'll do the rest o' the bisness for us, in no timea limb o' the law, Sammy, as has got brains

like the frogs, dispersed all over his body, and reachin' to the wery tips of his fingers; a friend of the Lord

Chancellorship's, Sammy, who'd only have to tell him what he wanted, and he'd lock you up for life, if that

'Wy, none o' them unconstitootional ways o' doin' it,' retorted Sam. 'The havehiscarcass, next to the

perpetual motion, is vun of the blessedest things as wos ever made. I've read that 'ere in the newspapers wery

'Just this here,' said Sam, 'that I'll patronise the inwention, and go in, that vay. No visperin's to the

ChancellorshipI don't like the notion. It mayn't be altogether safe, vith reference to gettin' out agin.'

Deferring to his son's feeling upon this point, Mr. Weller at once sought the erudite Solomon Pell, and

acquainted him with his desire to issue a writ, instantly, for the SUM of twentyfive pounds, and costs of

process; to be executed without delay upon the body of one Samuel Weller; the charges thereby incurred, to

The attorney was in high glee, for the embarrassed coach horser was ordered to be discharged forthwith. He

highly approved of Sam's attachment to his master; declared that it strongly reminded him of his own feelings

of devotion to his friend, the Chancellor; and at once led the elder Mr. Weller down to the Temple, to swear

the affidavit of debt, which the boy, with the assistance of the blue bag, had drawn up on the spot.

Meanwhile, Sam, having been formally introduced to the whitewashed gentleman and his friends, as the

offspring of Mr. Weller, of the Belle Savage, was treated with marked distinction, and invited to regale

himself with them in honour of the occasion an invitation which he was by no means backward in

The mirth of gentlemen of this class is of a grave and quiet character, usually; but the present instance was

one of peculiar festivity, and they relaxed in proportion. After some rather tumultuous toasting of the Chief

Commissioner and Mr. Solomon Pell, who had that day displayed such transcendent abilities, a

mottledfaced gentleman in a blue shawl proposed that somebody should sing a song. The obvious

suggestion was, that the mottled faced gentleman, being anxious for a song, should sing it himself; but this

the mottledfaced gentleman sturdily, and somewhat offensively, declined to do. Upon which, as is not

'Gentlemen,' said the coachhorser, 'rather than disturb the harmony of this delightful occasion, perhaps Mr.

'Raly, gentlemen,' said Sam, 'I'm not wery much in the habit o' singin' without the instrument; but anythin' for

With this prelude, Mr. Samuel Weller burst at once into the following wild and beautiful legend, which,

under the impression that it is not generally known, we take the liberty of quoting. We would beg to call

particular attention to the monosyllable at the end of the second and fourth lines, which not only enables the

Bold Turpin vunce, on Hounslow Heath, His bold mare Bess bestrodeer; Ven there he see'd the Bishop's

coach Acoming along the roader. So he gallops close to the 'orse's legs, And he claps his head vithin; And

Says Turpin, 'You shall eat your words, With a sarse of leaden bullet;' So he puts a pistol to his mouth, And

he fires it down his gullet. The coachman he not likin' the job, Set off at full gallop, But Dick put a couple

'I maintain that that 'ere song's personal to the cloth,' said the mottledfaced gentleman, interrupting it at this

'I object to the introduction o' politics,' said the mottled faced gentleman. 'I submit that, in the present

company, that 'ere song's political; and, wot's much the same, that it ain't true. I say that that coachman did

not run away; but that he died gamegame as pheasants; and I won't hear nothin' said to the contrairey.'

As the mottledfaced gentleman spoke with great energy and determination, and as the opinions of the

company seemed divided on the subject, it threatened to give rise to fresh altercation, when Mr. Weller and

'The officer will be here at four o'clock,' said Mr. Pell. 'I suppose you won't run away meanwhile, eh? Ha! ha!'

'Ha, ha, ha! very good, very good,' said Mr. Solomon Pell, who was making out his little bill of costs; 'a very

amusing incident indeed! Benjamin, copy that.' And Mr. Pell smiled again, as he called Mr. Weller's attention

'Thank you, thank you,' said the professional gentleman, taking up another of the greasy notes as Mr. Weller

took it from the pocketbook. 'Three ten and one ten is five. Much obliged to you, Mr. Weller. Your son is a

most deserving young man, very much so indeed, Sir. It's a very pleasant trait in a young man's character,

very much so,' added Mr. Pell, smiling smoothly round, as he buttoned up the money.

'Wot a game it is!' said the elder Mr. Weller, with a chuckle. 'A reg'lar prodigy son!'

'Never mind, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, with dignity. 'I know wot's o'clock, Sir. Wen I don't, I'll ask you, Sir.'

By the time the officer arrived, Sam had made himself so extremely popular, that the congregated gentlemen

determined to see him to prison in a body. So off they set; the plaintiff and defendant walking arm in arm, the

officer in front, and eight stout coachmen bringing up the rear. At Serjeant's Inn Coffeehouse the whole

party halted to refresh, and, the legal arrangements being completed, the procession moved on again.

Some little commotion was occasioned in Fleet Street, by the pleasantry of the eight gentlemen in the flank,

who persevered in walking four abreast; it was also found necessary to leave the mottledfaced gentleman

behind, to fight a ticketporter, it being arranged that his friends should call for him as they came back.

Nothing but these little incidents occurred on the way. When they reached the gate of the Fleet, the cavalcade,

taking the time from the plaintiff, gave three tremendous cheers for the defendant, and, after having shaken

Sam, having been formally delivered into the warder's custody, to the intense astonishment of Roker, and to

the evident emotion of even the phlegmatic Neddy, passed at once into the prison, walked straight to his

'Ah, Sam, my good lad!' said Mr. Pickwick, evidently delighted to see his humble friend again; 'I had no

intention of hurting your feelings yesterday, my faithful fellow, by what I said. Put down your hat, Sam, and

'Because of what?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, alarmed at his follower's manner. 'Speak out, Sam.'

'Oh, if it's nothing particular,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile, 'you can speak with me first.'

'Why, the fact is,' said Sam, with a desperate effort, 'perhaps I'd better see arter my bed afore I do anythin'

'Yes, my bed, Sir,' replied Sam, 'I'm a prisoner. I was arrested this here wery arternoon for debt.'

'Yes, for debt, Sir,' replied Sam. 'And the man as puts me in, 'ull never let me out till you go yourself.'

'Wot I say, Sir,' rejoined Sam. 'If it's forty years to come, I shall be a prisoner, and I'm very glad on it; and if it

had been Newgate, it would ha' been just the same. Now the murder's out, and, damme, there's an end on it!'

With these words, which he repeated with great emphasis and violence, Sam Weller dashed his hat upon the

ground, in a most unusual state of excitement; and then, folding his arms, looked firmly and fixedly in his

Mr. Pickwick felt a great deal too much touched by the warmth of Sam's attachment, to be able to exhibit any

manifestation of anger or displeasure at the precipitate course he had adopted, in voluntarily consigning

himself to a debtor's prison for an indefinite period. The only point on which he persevered in demanding an

explanation, was, the name of Sam's detaining creditor; but this Mr. Weller as perseveringly withheld.

'It ain't o' no use, sir,' said Sam, again and again; 'he's a malicious, baddisposed, vorldlyminded, spiteful,

windictive creetur, with a hard heart as there ain't no soft'nin', as the wirtuous clergyman remarked of the old

gen'l'm'n with the dropsy, ven he said, that upon the whole he thought he'd rayther leave his property to his

'But consider, Sam,' Mr. Pickwick remonstrated, 'the sum is so small that it can very easily be paid; and

having made up My mind that you shall stop with me, you should recollect how much more useful you would

be, if you could go outside the walls.' 'Wery much obliged to you, sir,' replied Mr. Weller gravely; 'but I'd

CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST 412

'Wy, I'd rayther not let myself down to ask a favour o' this here unremorseful enemy.'

'Beg your pardon, sir,' rejoined Sam, 'but it 'ud be a wery great favour to pay it, and he don't deserve none;

Here Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his nose with an air of some vexation, Mr. Weller thought it prudent to change

'I takes my determination on principle, Sir,' remarked Sam, 'and you takes yours on the same ground; wich

puts me in mind o' the man as killed hisself on principle, wich o' course you've heerd on, Sir.' Mr. Weller

paused when he arrived at this point, and cast a comical look at his master out of the corners of his eyes.

'There is no "of course" in the case, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, gradually breaking into a smile, in spite of the

uneasiness which Sam's obstinacy had given him. 'The fame of the gentleman in question, never reached my

'No, sir!' exclaimed Mr. Weller. 'You astonish me, Sir; he wos a clerk in a gov'ment office, sir.'

'Yes, he wos, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'and a wery pleasant gen'l'm'n tooone o' the precise and tidy sort, as

puts their feet in little Indiarubber firebuckets wen it's wet weather, and never has no other bosom friends

but hareskins; he saved up his money on principle, wore a clean shirt ev'ry day on principle; never spoke to

none of his relations on principle, 'fear they shou'd want to borrow money of him; and wos altogether, in fact,

an uncommon agreeable character. He had his hair cut on principle vunce a fortnight, and contracted for his

clothes on the economic principlethree suits a year, and send back the old uns. Being a wery reg'lar

gen'l'm'n, he din'd ev'ry day at the same place, where it was oneandnine to cut off the joint, and a wery

good oneandnine's worth he used to cut, as the landlord often said, with the tears atricklin' down his face,

let alone the way he used to poke the fire in the vinter time, which wos a dead loss o' fourpence ha'penny a

day, to say nothin' at all o' the aggrawation o' seein' him do it. So uncommon grand with it too! "POST arter

the next gen'l'm'n," he sings out ev'ry day ven he comes in. "See arter the TIMES, Thomas; let me look at the

MORNIN' HERALD, when it's out o' hand; don't forget to bespeak the CHRONICLE; and just bring the

'TIZER, vill you:" and then he'd set vith his eyes fixed on the clock, and rush out, just a quarter of a minit

'fore the time to waylay the boy as wos acomin' in with the evenin' paper, which he'd read with sich intense

interest and persewerance as worked the other customers up to the wery confines o' desperation and insanity,

'specially one irascible old gen'l'm'n as the vaiter wos always obliged to keep a sharp eye on, at sich times,

fear he should be tempted to commit some rash act with the carvingknife. Vell, Sir, here he'd stop, occupyin'

the best place for three hours, and never takin' nothin' arter his dinner, but sleep, and then he'd go away to a

coffeehouse a few streets off, and have a small pot o' coffee and four crumpets, arter wich he'd walk home

to Kensington and go to bed. One night he wos took very ill; sends for a doctor; doctor comes in a green fly,

with a kind o' Robinson Crusoe set o' steps, as he could let down wen he got out, and pull up arter him wen

he got in, to perwent the necessity o' the coachman's gettin' down, and thereby undeceivin' the public by

lettin' 'em see that it wos only a livery coat as he'd got on, and not the trousers to match. "Wot's the matter?"

says the doctor. "Wery ill," says the patient. "Wot have you been aeatin' on?" says the doctor. "Roast weal,"

says the patient. "Wot's the last thing you dewoured?" says the doctor. "Crumpets," says the patient. "That's

it!" says the doctor. "I'll send you a box of pills directly, and don't you never take no more of 'em," he says.

"No more o' wot?" says the patient"pills?" "No; crumpets," says the doctor. "Wy?" says the patient,

CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST 413

starting up in bed; "I've eat four crumpets, ev'ry night for fifteen year, on principle." "Well, then, you'd better

leave 'em off, on principle," says the doctor. "Crumpets is NOT wholesome, Sir," says the doctor, wery

fierce. "But they're so cheap," says the patient, comin' down a little, "and so wery fillin' at the price." "They'd

be dear to you, at any price; dear if you wos paid to eat 'em," says the doctor. "Four crumpets a night," he

says, "vill do your business in six months!" The patient looks him full in the face, and turns it over in his

mind for a long time, and at last he says, "Are you sure o' that 'ere, Sir?" "I'll stake my professional reputation

on it," says the doctor. "How many crumpets, at a sittin', do you think 'ud kill me off at once?" says the

patient. "I don't know," says the doctor. "Do you think halfacrown's wurth 'ud do it?" says the patient. "I

think it might," says the doctor. "Three shillins' wurth 'ud be sure to do it, I s'pose?" says the patient.

"Certainly," says the doctor. "Wery good," says the patient; "goodnight." Next mornin' he gets up, has a fire

lit, orders in three shillins' wurth o' crumpets, toasts 'em all, eats 'em all, and blows his brains out.'

'What did he do that for?' inquired Mr. Pickwick abruptly; for he was considerably startled by this tragical

'Wot did he do it for, Sir?' reiterated Sam. 'Wy, in support of his great principle that crumpets wos

wholesome, and to show that he wouldn't be put out of his way for nobody!' With such like shiftings and

changings of the discourse, did Mr. Weller meet his master's questioning on the night of his taking up his

residence in the Fleet. Finding all gentle remonstrance useless, Mr. Pickwick at length yielded a reluctant

consent to his taking lodgings by the week, of a baldheaded cobbler, who rented a small slip room in one of

the upper galleries. To this humble apartment Mr. Weller moved a mattress and bedding, which he hired of

Mr. Roker; and, by the time he lay down upon it at night, was as much at home as if he had been bred in the

'Do you always smoke arter you goes to bed, old cock?' inquired Mr. Weller of his landlord, when they had

'Will you allow me to inquire wy you make up your bed under that 'ere deal table?' said Sam.

''Cause I was always used to a fourposter afore I came here, and I find the legs of the table answer just as

'I haven't got anything of the kind belonging to me,' rejoined the cobbler, shaking his head; 'and if you want

to meet with a good one, I'm afraid you'll find some difficulty in suiting yourself at this register office.'

The above short dialogue took place as Mr. Weller lay extended on his mattress at one end of the room, and

the cobbler on his, at the other; the apartment being illumined by the light of a rushcandle, and the cobbler's

pipe, which was glowing below the table, like a redhot coal. The conversation, brief as it was, predisposed

Mr. Weller strongly in his landlord's favour; and, raising himself on his elbow, he took a more lengthened

survey of his appearance than he had yet had either time or inclination to make.

He was a sallow manall cobblers are; and had a strong bristly beardall cobblers have. His face was a

queer, good tempered, crookedfeatured piece of workmanship, ornamented with a couple of eyes that must

have worn a very joyous expression at one time, for they sparkled yet. The man was sixty, by years, and

Heaven knows how old by imprisonment, so that his having any look approaching to mirth or contentment,

was singular enough. He was a little man, and, being half doubled up as he lay in bed, looked about as long as

he ought to have been without his legs. He had a great red pipe in his mouth, and was smoking, and staring at

CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST 414

'Have you been here long?' inquired Sam, breaking the silence which had lasted for some time.

'Well, then,' said Sam, with some sternness, 'wot do you persevere in bein' obstinit for, vastin' your precious

life away, in this here magnified pound? Wy don't you give in, and tell the Chancellorship that you're wery

The cobbler put his pipe in the corner of his mouth, while he smiled, and then brought it back to its old place

'Ah,' said the cobbler, 'you don't quite understand these matters. What do you suppose ruined me, now?'

'Wy,' said Sam, trimming the rushlight, 'I s'pose the beginnin' wos, that you got into debt, eh?'

'Well, perhaps,' said Sam, 'you bought houses, wich is delicate English for goin' mad; or took to buildin', wich

'Never in my life,' replied the cobbler. 'The fact is, I was ruined by having money left me.'

'Come, come,' said Sam, 'that von't do. I wish some rich enemy 'ud try to vork my destruction in that 'ere vay.

'Oh, I dare say you don't believe it,' said the cobbler, quietly smoking his pipe. 'I wouldn't if I was you; but it's

'How wos it?' inquired Sam, half induced to believe the fact already, by the look the cobbler gave him.

'Just this,' replied the cobbler; 'an old gentleman that I worked for, down in the country, and a humble relation

of whose I marriedshe's dead, God bless her, and thank Him for it! was seized with a fit and went off.'

'Where?' inquired Sam, who was growing sleepy after the numerous events of the day.

'How should I know where he went?' said the cobbler, speaking through his nose in an intense enjoyment of

CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST 415

'One of which,' continued the cobbler, 'he left to me, 'cause I married his relation, you see.'

'And being surrounded by a great number of nieces and nevys, as was always quarrelling and fighting among

themselves for the property, he makes me his executor, and leaves the rest to me in trust, to divide it among

'Wot do you mean by leavin' it on trust?' inquired Sam, waking up a little. 'If it ain't readymoney, were's the

'I don't think that,' said Sam, shaking his head. 'There's wery little trust at that shop. Hows'ever, go on.' 'Well,'

said the cobbler, 'when I was going to take out a probate of the will, the nieces and nevys, who was

desperately disappointed at not getting all the money, enters a caveat against it.'

'A legal instrument, which is as much as to say, it's no go,' replied the cobbler.

'But,' continued the cobbler, 'finding that they couldn't agree among themselves, and consequently couldn't

get up a case against the will, they withdrew the caveat, and I paid all the legacies. I'd hardly done it, when

one nevy brings an action to set the will aside. The case comes on, some months afterwards, afore a deaf old

gentleman, in a back room somewhere down by Paul's Churchyard; and arter four counsels had taken a day

apiece to bother him regularly, he takes a week or two to consider, and read the evidence in six volumes,

and then gives his judgment that how the testator was not quite right in his head, and I must pay all the

money back again, and all the costs. I appealed; the case come on before three or four very sleepy gentlemen,

who had heard it all before in the other court, where they're lawyers without work; the only difference being,

that, there, they're called doctors, and in the other place delegates, if you understand that; and they very

dutifully confirmed the decision of the old gentleman below. After that, we went into Chancery, where we are

still, and where I shall always be. My lawyers have had all my thousand pound long ago; and what between

the estate, as they call it, and the costs, I'm here for ten thousand, and shall stop here, till I die, mending

shoes. Some gentlemen have talked of bringing it before Parliament, and I dare say would have done it, only

they hadn't time to come to me, and I hadn't power to go to them, and they got tired of my long letters, and

dropped the business. And this is God's truth, without one word of suppression or exaggeration, as fifty

The cobbler paused to ascertain what effect his story had produced on Sam; but finding that he had dropped

asleep, knocked the ashes out of his pipe, sighed, put it down, drew the bed clothes over his head, and went

Mr. Pickwick was sitting at breakfast, alone, next morning (Sam being busily engaged in the cobbler's room,

polishing his master's shoes and brushing the black gaiters) when there came a knock at the door, which,

before Mr. Pickwick could cry 'Come in!' was followed by the appearance of a head of hair and a

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cottonvelvet cap, both of which articles of dress he had no difficulty in recognising as the personal property

'How are you?' said that worthy, accompanying the inquiry with a score or two of nods; 'I saydo you

expect anybody this morning? Three mendevilish gentlemanly fellowshave been asking after you

downstairs, and knocking at every door on the hall flight; for which they've been most infernally blown up by

'Dear me! How very foolish of them,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising. 'Yes; I have no doubt they are some friends

'Friends of yours!' exclaimed Smangle, seizing Mr. Pickwick by the hand. 'Say no more. Curse me, they're

friends of mine from this minute, and friends of Mivins's, too. Infernal pleasant, gentlemanly dog, Mivins,

'I know you do,' interrupted Smangle, clasping Mr. Pickwick by the shoulder. 'You shall know him better.

You'll be delighted with him. That man, Sir,' said Smangle, with a solemn countenance, 'has comic powers

'Ah, by Jove he has!' replied Smangle. 'Hear him come the four cats in the wheelbarrowfour distinct cats,

sir, I pledge you my honour. Now you know that's infernal clever! Damme, you can't help liking a man, when

you see these traits about him. He's only one faultthat little failing I mentioned to you, you know.'

As Mr. Smangle shook his head in a confidential and sympathising manner at this juncture, Mr. Pickwick felt

that he was expected to say something, so he said, 'Ah!' and looked restlessly at the door.

'Ah!' echoed Mr. Smangle, with a longdrawn sigh. 'He's delightful company, that man is, sir. I don't know

better company anywhere; but he has that one drawback. If the ghost of his grandfather, Sir, was to rise

before him this minute, he'd ask him for the loan of his acceptance on an eightpenny stamp.'

'Yes,' added Mr. Smangle; 'and if he'd the power of raising him again, he would, in two months and three

'Those are very remarkable traits,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but I'm afraid that while we are talking here, my

'I'll show 'em the way,' said Smangle, making for the door. 'Goodday. I won't disturb you while they're here,

As Smangle pronounced the last three words, he stopped suddenly, reclosed the door which he had opened,

and, walking softly back to Mr. Pickwick, stepped close up to him on tiptoe, and said, in a very soft

'You couldn't make it convenient to lend me halfacrown till the latter end of next week, could you?'

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Mr. Pickwick could scarcely forbear smiling, but managing to preserve his gravity, he drew forth the coin,

and placed it in Mr. Smangle's palm; upon which, that gentleman, with many nods and winks, implying

profound mystery, disappeared in quest of the three strangers, with whom he presently returned; and having

coughed thrice, and nodded as many times, as an assurance to Mr. Pickwick that he would not forget to pay,

he shook hands all round, in an engaging manner, and at length took himself off.

'My dear friends,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking hands alternately with Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr.

Snodgrass, who were the three visitors in question, 'I am delighted to see you.'

The triumvirate were much affected. Mr. Tupman shook his head deploringly, Mr. Snodgrass drew forth his

handkerchief, with undisguised emotion; and Mr. Winkle retired to the window, and sniffed aloud.

'Mornin', gen'l'm'n,' said Sam, entering at the moment with the shoes and gaiters. 'Avay vith melincholly, as

the little boy said ven his schoolmissus died. Velcome to the college, gen'l'm'n.'

'This foolish fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, tapping Sam on the head as he knelt down to button up his master's

'Yes, gen'l'm'n,' said Sam, 'I'm astand steady, sir, if you pleaseI'm a prisoner, gen'l'm'n. Confined, as

There was something so very abrupt and unsettled in Mr. Winkle's manner, that Mr. Pickwick involuntarily

'We don't know,' said Mr. Tupman, answering this mute appeal aloud. 'He has been much excited for two

days past, and his whole demeanour very unlike what it usually is. We feared there must be something the

'No, no,' said Mr. Winkle, colouring beneath Mr. Pickwick's gaze; 'there is really nothing. I assure you there

is nothing, my dear sir. It will be necessary for me to leave town, for a short time, on private business, and I

'I think,' faltered Mr. Winkle, 'that Sam would have had no objection to do so; but, of course, his being a

As Mr. Winkle said these words, Mr. Pickwick felt, with some astonishment, that Sam's fingers were

trembling at the gaiters, as if he were rather surprised or startled. Sam looked up at Mr. Winkle, too, when he

had finished speaking; and though the glance they exchanged was instantaneous, they seemed to understand

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'No, I don't, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, beginning to button with extraordinary assiduity.

'Wy, sir,' responded Mr. Weller; 'I'm sure so far, that I've never heerd anythin' on the subject afore this

moment. If I makes any guess about it,' added Sam, looking at Mr. Winkle, 'I haven't got any right to say

'I have no right to make any further inquiry into the private affairs of a friend, however intimate a friend,' said

Mr. Pickwick, after a short silence; 'at present let me merely say, that I do not understand this at all. There.

Thus expressing himself, Mr. Pickwick led the conversation to different topics, and Mr. Winkle gradually

appeared more at ease, though still very far from being completely so. They had all so much to converse

about, that the morning very quickly passed away; and when, at three o'clock, Mr. Weller produced upon the

little diningtable, a roast leg of mutton and an enormous meat pie, with sundry dishes of vegetables, and

pots of porter, which stood upon the chairs or the sofa bedstead, or where they could, everybody felt disposed

to do justice to the meal, notwithstanding that the meat had been purchased, and dressed, and the pie made,

To these succeeded a bottle or two of very good wine, for which a messenger was despatched by Mr.

Pickwick to the Horn Coffeehouse, in Doctors' Commons. The bottle or two, indeed, might be more

properly described as a bottle or six, for by the time it was drunk, and tea over, the bell began to ring for

But, if Mr. Winkle's behaviour had been unaccountable in the morning, it became perfectly unearthly and

solemn when, under the influence of his feelings, and his share of the bottle or six, he prepared to take leave

of his friend. He lingered behind, until Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had disappeared, and then fervently

clenched Mr. Pickwick's hand, with an expression of face in which deep and mighty resolve was fearfully

'Bless you, my dear fellow!' replied the warmhearted Mr. Pickwick, as he returned the pressure of his young

There was another goodnight, and another, and half a dozen more after that, and still Mr. Winkle had fast

hold of his friend's hand, and was looking into his face with the same strange expression.

'Is anything the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick at last, when his arm was quite sore with shaking. 'Nothing,' said

'My friend, my benefactor, my honoured companion,' murmured Mr. Winkle, catching at his wrist. 'Do not

CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST 419

judge me harshly; do not, when you hear that, driven to extremity by hopeless obstacles, I'

'Now then,' said Mr. Tupman, reappearing at the door. 'Are you coming, or are we to be locked in?'

'Yes, yes, I am ready,' replied Mr. Winkle. And with a violent effort he tore himself away.

As Mr. Pickwick was gazing down the passage after them in silent astonishment, Sam Weller appeared at the

'Thank'ee, sir. You won't forget, sir?' said Sam. 'Of course not,' replied Mr. Winkle.

'Wish you luck, Sir,' said Sam, touching his hat. 'I should very much liked to ha' joined you, Sir; but the

'It is very much to your credit that you remain here,' said Mr. Winkle. With these words they disappeared

,Very extraordinary,' said Mr. Pickwick, going back into his room, and seating himself at the table in a

He had sat ruminating about the matter for some time, when the voice of Roker, the turnkey, demanded

'I've brought you a softer pillow, Sir,' said Mr. Roker, 'instead of the temporary one you had last night.'

'You're wery good, Sir,' replied Mr. Roker, accepting the proffered glass. 'Yours, sir.'

'I'm sorry to say that your landlord's wery bad tonight, Sir,' said Roker, setting down the glass, and

'He won't be a Chancery prisoner wery long, Sir,' replied Roker, turning his hat round, so as to get the maker's

'He's been consumptive for a long time past,' said Mr. Roker, 'and he's taken wery bad in the breath tonight.

The doctor said, six months ago, that nothing but change of air could save him.'

'Great Heaven!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick; 'has this man been slowly murdered by the law for six months?'

'I don't know about that,' replied Roker, weighing the hat by the brim in both hands. 'I suppose he'd have been

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took the same, wherever he was. He went into the infirmary, this morning; the doctor says his strength is to

be kept up as much as possible; and the warden's sent him wine and broth and that, from his own house. It's

'I'm afraid, however,' said Roker, shaking his head, 'that it's all up with him. I offered Neddy two

sixpenn'orths to one upon it just now, but he wouldn't take it, and quite right. Thank'ee, Sir. Goodnight,

'Just over where you slept, sir,' replied Roker. 'I'll show you, if you like to come.' Mr. Pickwick snatched up

The turnkey led the way in silence; and gently raising the latch of the room door, motioned Mr. Pickwick to

enter. It was a large, bare, desolate room, with a number of stump bedsteads made of iron, on one of which

lay stretched the shadow of a man wan, pale, and ghastly. His breathing was hard and thick, and he

moaned painfully as it came and went. At the bedside sat a short old man in a cobbler's apron, who, by the aid

of a pair of horn spectacles, was reading from the Bible aloud. It was the fortunate legatee.

The sick man laid his hand upon his attendant's arm, and motioned him to stop. He closed the book, and laid

He did so. The noise of carriages and carts, the rattle of wheels, the cries of men and boys, all the busy

sounds of a mighty multitude instinct with life and occupation, blended into one deep murmur, floated into

the room. Above the hoarse loud hum, arose, from time to time, a boisterous laugh; or a scrap of some

jingling song, shouted forth, by one of the giddy crowd, would strike upon the ear, for an instant, and then be

lost amidst the roar of voices and the tramp of footsteps; the breaking of the billows of the restless sea of life,

that rolled heavily on, without. These are melancholy sounds to a quiet listener at any time; but how

'There is no air here,' said the man faintly. 'The place pollutes it. It was fresh round about, when I walked

there, years ago; but it grows hot and heavy in passing these walls. I cannot breathe it.'

'We have breathed it together, for a long time,' said the old man. 'Come, come.'

There was a short silence, during which the two spectators approached the bed. The sick man drew a hand of

his old fellow prisoner towards him, and pressing it affectionately between both his own, retained it in his

'I hope,' he gasped after a while, so faintly that they bent their ears close over the bed to catch the

halfformed sounds his pale lips gave vent to'I hope my merciful Judge will bear in mind my heavy

punishment on earth. Twenty years, my friend, twenty years in this hideous grave! My heart broke when my

child died, and I could not even kiss him in his little coffin. My loneliness since then, in all this noise and riot,

has been very dreadful. May God forgive me! He has seen my solitary, lingering death.'

He folded his hands, and murmuring something more they could not hear, fell into a sleeponly a sleep at

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They whispered together for a little time, and the turnkey, stooping over the pillow, drew hastily back. 'He

He had. But he had grown so like death in life, that they knew not when he died.

A few mornings after his incarceration, Mr. Samuel Weller, having arranged his master's room with all

possible care, and seen him comfortably seated over his books and papers, withdrew to employ himself for an

hour or two to come, as he best could. It was a fine morning, and it occurred to Sam that a pint of porter in

the open air would lighten his next quarter of an hour or so, as well as any little amusement in which he could

Having arrived at this conclusion, he betook himself to the tap. Having purchased the beer, and obtained,

moreover, the daybutonebeforeyesterday's paper, he repaired to the skittle ground, and seating himself

First of all, he took a refreshing draught of the beer, and then he looked up at a window, and bestowed a

platonic wink on a young lady who was peeling potatoes thereat. Then he opened the paper, and folded it so

as to get the police reports outwards; and this being a vexatious and difficult thing to do, when there is any

wind stirring, he took another draught of the beer when he had accomplished it. Then, he read two lines of the

paper, and stopped short to look at a couple of men who were finishing a game at rackets, which, being

concluded, he cried out 'wery good,' in an approving manner, and looked round upon the spectators, to

ascertain whether their sentiments coincided with his own. This involved the necessity of looking up at the

windows also; and as the young lady was still there, it was an act of common politeness to wink again, and to

drink to her good health in dumb show, in another draught of the beer, which Sam did; and having frowned

hideously upon a small boy who had noted this latter proceeding with open eyes, he threw one leg over the

He had hardly composed himself into the needful state of abstraction, when he thought he heard his own

name proclaimed in some distant passage. Nor was he mistaken, for it quickly passed from mouth to mouth,

and in a few seconds the air teemed with shouts of 'Weller!' 'Here!' roared Sam, in a stentorian voice. 'Wot's

the matter? Who wants him? Has an express come to say that his country house is afire?'

'Just mind that 'ere paper and the pot, old feller, will you?' said Sam. 'I'm acomin'. Blessed, if they was

Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of the young gentleman before noticed, who,

unconscious of his close vicinity to the person in request, was screaming 'Weller!' with all his might, Sam

hastened across the ground, and ran up the steps into the hall. Here, the first object that met his eyes was his

beloved father sitting on a bottom stair, with his hat in his hand, shouting out 'Weller!' in his very loudest

'Wot are you aroarin' at?' said Sam impetuously, when the old gentleman had discharged himself of another

shout; 'making yourself so precious hot that you looks like a aggrawated glass blower. Wot's the matter?'

'Aha!' replied the old gentleman, 'I began to be afeerd that you'd gone for a walk round the Regency Park,

'Come,' said Sam, 'none o' them taunts agin the wictim o' avarice, and come off that 'ere step. Wot arc you

'That's right, Sammy, rub it off,' said Mr. Weller, as his son dusted him. 'It might look personal here, if a man

As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptoms of an approaching fit of chuckling, Sam

'Keep quiet, do,' said Sam, 'there never vos such a old picter card born. Wot are you bustin' vith, now?'

'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, 'I'm afeerd that vun o' these days I shall laugh myself into a

'Vell, then, wot do you do it for?' said Sam. 'Now, then, wot have you got to say?'

'Who do you think's come here with me, Samivel?' said Mr. Weller, drawing back a pace or two, pursing up

Mr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheeks expanded with the laughter that was endeavouring to find a

'Your motherinlaw,' said Mr. Weller; and it was lucky he did say it, or his cheeks must inevitably have

'Your motherinlaw, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'and the rednosed man, my boy; and the rednosed man.

With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter, while Sam regarded him with a broad grin

'They've come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. 'Don't let out

'In the snuggery,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Catch the rednosed man agoin' anyvere but vere the liquors is; not

he, Samivel, not he. Ve'd a wery pleasant ride along the road from the Markis this mornin', Sammy,' said Mr.

Weller, when he felt himself equal to the task of speaking in an articulate manner. 'I drove the old piebald in

that 'ere little shaycart as belonged to your motherinlaw's first wenter, into vich a harmcheer wos lifted

for the shepherd; and I'm blessed,' said Mr. Weller, with a look of deep scorn'I'm blessed if they didn't

bring a portable flight o' steps out into the road afront o' our door for him, to get up by.'

'I do mean that, Sammy,' replied his father, 'and I vish you could ha' seen how tight he held on by the sides

wen he did get up, as if he wos afeerd o' being precipitayted down full six foot, and dashed into a million

hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, and avay ve vent; and I rayther thinkI say I rayther think,

'Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?' said Sam. 'I'm afeerd,' replied Mr. Weller, in a

rapture of winks'I'm afeerd I took vun or two on 'em, Sammy; he wos aflyin' out o' the armcheer all the

Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, and was seized with a hoarse internal rumbling,

accompanied with a violent swelling of the countenance, and a sudden increase in the breadth of all his

'Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frightened,' said the old gentleman, when by dint of much struggling,

and various convulsive stamps upon the ground, he had recovered his voice. 'It's only a kind o' quiet laugh as

'Well, if that's wot it is,' said Sam, 'you'd better not try to come it agin. You'll find it rayther a dangerous

'Well,' said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down his cheeks, 'it 'ud ha' been a wery great

accommodation to me if I could ha' done it, and 'ud ha' saved a good many vords atween your motherinlaw

and me, sometimes; but I'm afeerd you're right, Sammy, it's too much in the appleplexy linea deal too

This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery, into which Sampausing for an instant to look

over his shoulder, and cast a sly leer at his respected progenitor, who was still giggling behindat once led

'Motherinlaw,' said Sam, politely saluting the lady, 'wery much obliged to you for this here

Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, until the whitesor rather the yellowswere alone

'Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled with any painful complaint?' said Sam, looking to his motherinlaw for

'Oh, that's it, is it?' said Sam. 'I was afeerd, from his manner, that he might ha' forgotten to take pepper vith

that 'ere last cowcumber he eat. Set down, Sir, ve make no extra charge for settin' down, as the king remarked

'Young man,' said Mr. Stiggins ostentatiously, 'I fear you are not softened by imprisonment.'

'Beg your pardon, Sir,' replied Sam; 'wot wos you graciously pleased to hobserve?'

'I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for this chastening,' said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice.

'Sir,' replied Sam, 'you're wery kind to say so. I hope my natur is NOT a soft vun, Sir. Wery much obliged to

At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorously approaching to a laugh, was heard to proceed from

the chair in which the elder Mr. Weller was seated; upon which Mrs. Weller, on a hasty consideration of all

the circumstances of the case, considered it her bounden duty to become gradually hysterical.

'Weller,' said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in a corner); 'Weller! Come forth.'

'Wery much obleeged to you, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but I'm quite comfortable vere I am.'

'Oh, Samuel!' replied Mrs. Weller, 'your father makes me wretched. Will nothing do him good?'

'Do you hear this here?' said Sam. 'Lady vants to know vether nothin' 'ull do you good.'

'Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her polite inquiries, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman. 'I think a

'Hollo! Here's this unfortunate gen'l'm'n took ill agin,' said Sam, looking round. 'Vere do you feel it now, sir?'

'In the buzzim, young man,' replied Mr. Stiggins, placing his umbrella on his waistcoat.

At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable to suppress her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated

her conviction that the rednosed man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, senior, ventured to suggest, in an

undertone, that he must be the representative of the united parishes of St. Simon Without and St. Walker

'I'm afeered, mum,' said Sam, 'that this here gen'l'm'n, with the twist in his countenance, feels rather thirsty,

The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply; that gentleman, with many rollings of the eye, clenched

his throat with his right hand, and mimicked the act of swallowing, to intimate that he was athirst.

'I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him so indeed,' said Mrs. Weller mournfully.

'Too true, too true, indeed,' said Mrs. Weller, murmuring a groan, and shaking her head assentingly.

'Well,' said Sam, 'I dessay they may be, sir; but wich is your partickler wanity? Wich wanity do you like the

'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'I despise them all. If,' said Mr. Stiggins'if there is any

one of them less odious than another, it is the liquor called rum. Warm, my dear young friend, with three

'Wery sorry to say, sir,' said Sam, 'that they don't allow that particular wanity to be sold in this here

'Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!' ejaculated Mr. Stiggins. 'Oh, the accursed cruelty of these

With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, and rapped his breast with his umbrella; and it is but

justice to the reverend gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared very real and unfeigned indeed.

After Mrs. Weller and the rednosed gentleman had commented on this inhuman usage in a very forcible

manner, and had vented a variety of pious and holy execrations against its authors, the latter recommended a

bottle of port wine, warmed with a little water, spice, and sugar, as being grateful to the stomach, and

savouring less of vanity than many other compounds. It was accordingly ordered to be prepared, and pending

its preparation the rednosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at the elder W. and groaned.

'Well, Sammy,' said the gentleman, 'I hope you'll find your spirits rose by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful

'You're a reprobate,' replied Sam; 'and I desire you won't address no more o' them ungraceful remarks to me.'

So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elder Mr. Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin;

and this inexorable conduct causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, and rock themselves to and

fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner, he furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicative of

a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins, the performance of which, appeared to

afford him great mental relief. The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in one instance; for Mr.

Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrival of the negus, brought his head in smart contact with the

clenched fist with which Mr. Weller had been describing imaginary fireworks in the air, within two inches of

'Wot are you areachin' out, your hand for the tumbler in that 'ere sawage way for?' said Sam, with great

'I didn't go to do it, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in some degree abashed by the very unexpected occurrence of

'Try an in'ard application, sir,' said Sam, as the rednosed gentleman rubbed his head with a rueful visage.

Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner was expressive. He tasted the contents of the glass which

Sam had placed in his hand, put his umbrella on the floor, and tasted it again, passing his hand placidly across

his stomach twice or thrice; he then drank the whole at a breath, and smacking his lips, held out the tumbler

Nor was Mrs. Weller behindhand in doing justice to the composition. The good lady began by protesting

that she couldn't touch a dropthen took a small dropthen a large drop then a great many drops; and

her feelings being of the nature of those substances which are powerfully affected by the application of strong

waters, she dropped a tear with every drop of negus, and so got on, melting the feelings down, until at length

The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens with many manifestations of disgust, and when, after a

second jug of the same, Mr. Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, he plainly evinced his disapprobation

of the whole proceedings, by sundry incoherent ramblings of speech, among which frequent angry repetitions

'I'll tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy,' whispered the old gentleman into his son's ear, after a long and

steadfast contemplation of his lady and Mr. Stiggins; 'I think there must be somethin' wrong in your

'I mean this here, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman, 'that wot they drink, don't seem no nourishment to 'em;

it all turns to warm water, and comes apourin' out o' their eyes. 'Pend upon it, Sammy, it's a constitootional

Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory frowns and nods; which, Mrs. Weller

remarking, and concluding that they bore some disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr. Stiggins, or to

both, was on the point of becoming infinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on his legs as well as he

could, proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for the benefit of the company, but more especially of Mr.

Samuel, whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was

cast; to abstain from all hypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all things exact pattern and copy by him

(Stiggins), in which case he might calculate on arriving, sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion, that,

like him, he was a most estimable and blameless character, and that all his acquaintances and friends were

hopelessly abandoned and profligate wretches. Which consideration, he said, could not but afford him the

He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the vice of intoxication, which he likened unto the

filthy habits of swine, and to those poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth, are said to

filch away the memory. At this point of his discourse, the reverend and rednosed gentleman became

singularly incoherent, and staggering to and fro in the excitement of his eloquence, was fain to catch at the

Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guard against those false prophets and wretched

mockers of religion, who, without sense to expound its first doctrines, or hearts to feel its first principles, are

more dangerous members of society than the common criminal; imposing, as they necessarily do, upon the

weakest and worst informed, casting scorn and contempt on what should be held most sacred, and bringing

into partial disrepute large bodies of virtuous and wellconducted persons of many excellent sects and

persuasions. But as he leaned over the back of the chair for a considerable time, and closing one eye, winked

a good deal with the other, it is presumed that he thought all this, but kept it to himself.

During the delivery of the oration, Mrs. Weller sobbed and wept at the end of the paragraphs; while Sam,

sitting cross legged on a chair and resting his arms on the top rail, regarded the speaker with great suavity

and blandness of demeanour; occasionally bestowing a look of recognition on the old gentleman, who was

'Brayvo; wery pretty!' said Sam, when the rednosed man having finished, pulled his worn gloves on, thereby

thrusting his fingers through the broken tops till the knuckles were disclosed to view. 'Wery pretty.'

'Thank'ee, my dear,' said Mr. Weller, senior. 'How do you find yourself arter it, my love?'

'If I don't get no better light than that 'ere moonshine o' yourn, my worthy creetur,' said the elder Mr. Weller,

'it's wery likely as I shall continey to be a night coach till I'm took off the road altogether. Now, Mrs. We, if

the piebald stands at livery much longer, he'll stand at nothin' as we go back, and p'raps that 'ere harmcheer

At this supposition, the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, in evident consternation, gathered up his hat and umbrella,

and proposed an immediate departure, to which Mrs. Weller assented. Sam walked with them to the lodge

'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, looking cautiously round; 'my duty to your gov'nor, and tell him if he thinks

better o' this here bis'ness, to commoonicate vith me. Me and a cab'net maker has dewised a plan for gettin'

him out. A pianner, Samivel a pianner!' said Mr. Weller, striking his son on the chest with the back of his

'A piannerforty, Samivel,' rejoined Mr. Weller, in a still more mysterious manner, 'as he can have on hire;

'Let him send to my friend, the cabinetmaker, to fetch it back, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Are you avake,

'There ain't no vurks in it,' whispered his father. 'It 'ull hold him easy, vith his hat and shoes on, and breathe

through the legs, vich his holler. Have a passage ready taken for 'Merriker. The 'Merrikin gov'ment will never

give him up, ven vunce they find as he's got money to spend, Sammy. Let the gov'nor stop there, till Mrs.

Bardell's dead, or Mr. Dodson and Fogg's hung (wich last ewent I think is the most likely to happen first,

Sammy), and then let him come back and write a book about the 'Merrikins as'll pay all his expenses and

Mr. Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his plot with great vehemence of whisper; and then, as if fearful

of weakening the effect of the tremendous communication by any further dialogue, he gave the coachman's

Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure of countenance, which had been greatly disturbed by the

'I am going for a walk round the prison, and I wish you to attend me. I see a prisoner we know coming this

'Wich, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller; 'the gen'l'm'n vith the head o' hair, or the interestin' captive in the stockin's?'

'You recollect the gentleman very well, I dare say, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'or else you are more

unmindful of your old acquaintances than I think you are. Hush! not a word, Sam; not a syllable. Here he is.'

As Mr. Pickwick spoke, Jingle walked up. He looked less miserable than before, being clad in a halfworn

suit of clothes, which, with Mr. Pickwick's assistance, had been released from the pawnbroker's. He wore

clean linen too, and had had his hair cut. He was very pale and thin, however; and as he crept slowly up,

leaning on a stick, it was easy to see that he had suffered severely from illness and want, and was still very

weak. He took off his hat as Mr. Pickwick saluted him, and seemed much humbled and abashed at the sight

Following close at his heels, came Mr. Job Trotter, in the catalogue of whose vices, want of faith and

attachment to his companion could at all events find no place. He was still ragged and squalid, but his face

was not quite so hollow as on his first meeting with Mr. Pickwick, a few days before. As he took off his hat

to our benevolent old friend, he murmured some broken expressions of gratitude, and muttered something

'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, impatiently interrupting him, 'you can follow with Sam. I want to speak to

'Certainly, sirall readynot too fastlegs shakyhead queerround and roundearthquaky sort of

Seeing that he was confused and agitated, and uncertain what to do, Mr. Pickwick cut the matter short by

drawing the invalided stroller's arm through his, and leading him away, without saying another word about it.

During the whole of this time the countenance of Mr. Samuel Weller had exhibited an expression of the most

overwhelming and absorbing astonishment that the imagination can portray. After looking from Job to Jingle,

and from Jingle to Job in profound silence, he softly ejaculated the words, 'Well, I AM damn'd!' which he

repeated at least a score of times; after which exertion, he appeared wholly bereft of speech, and again cast

his eyes, first upon the one and then upon the other, in mute perplexity and bewilderment.

'I'm acomin', sir,' replied Mr. Weller, mechanically following his master; and still he lifted not his eyes from

Mr. Job Trotter, who walked at his side in silence. Job kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some time. Sam,

with his glued to Job's countenance, ran up against the people who were walking about, and fell over little

children, and stumbled against steps and railings, without appearing at all sensible of it, until Job, looking

'It IS him!' exclaimed Sam; and having established Job's identity beyond all doubt, he smote his leg, and

'I should think they had,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, surveying his companion's rags with undisguised wonder.

'This is rayther a change for the worse, Mr. Trotter, as the gen'l'm'n said, wen he got two doubtful shillin's and

'It is indeed,' replied Job, shaking his head. 'There is no deception now, Mr. Weller. Tears,' said Job, with a

look of momentary slyness'tears are not the only proofs of distress, nor the best ones.'

'I know they may,' said Sam; 'some people, indeed, has 'em always ready laid on, and can pull out the plug

'Yes,' replied Job; 'but these sort of things are not so easily counterfeited, Mr. Weller, and it is a more painful

process to get them up.' As he spoke, he pointed to his sallow, sunken cheeks, and, drawing up his coat

sleeve, disclosed an arm which looked as if the bone could be broken at a touch, so sharp and brittle did it

'I have been doin' nothing for many weeks past,' said Job; and eating and drinking almost as little.'

Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr. Trotter's thin face and wretched apparel; and then, seizing him by

'Where are you going, Mr. Weller?' said Job, vainly struggling in the powerful grasp of his old enemy. 'Come

on,' said Sam; 'come on!' He deigned no further explanation till they reached the tap, and then called for a pot

'Now,' said Sam, 'drink that up, ev'ry drop on it, and then turn the pot upside down, to let me see as you've

Thus admonished, Mr. Trotter raised the pot to his lips, and, by gentle and almost imperceptible degrees,

tilted it into the air. He paused once, and only once, to draw a long breath, but without raising his face from

the vessel, which, in a few moments thereafter, he held out at arm's length, bottom upward. Nothing fell upon

the ground but a few particles of froth, which slowly detached themselves from the rim, and trickled lazily

'O' course you air,' said Sam argumentatively. 'It's like puttin' gas in a balloon. I can see with the naked eye

that you gets stouter under the operation. Wot do you say to another o' the same dimensions?'

'I would rather not, I am much obliged to you, Sir,' replied Job'much rather not.'

'Thanks to your worthy governor, Sir,' said Mr. Trotter, 'we have half a leg of mutton, baked, at a quarter

'He has, Sir,' replied Job. 'More than that, Mr. Weller; my master being very ill, he got us a roomwe were

in a kennel beforeand paid for it, Sir; and come to look at us, at night, when nobody should know. Mr.

Weller,' said Job, with real tears in his eyes, for once, 'I could serve that gentleman till I fell down dead at his

'None o' that, I say, young feller,' repeated Sam firmly. 'No man serves him but me. And now we're upon it,

I'll let you into another secret besides that,' said Sam, as he paid for the beer. 'I never heerd, mind you, or read

of in storybooks, nor see in picters, any angel in tights and gaitersnot even in spectacles, as I remember,

though that may ha' been done for anythin' I know to the contraireybut mark my vords, Job Trotter, he's a

reg'lar thoroughbred angel for all that; and let me see the man as wenturs to tell me he knows a better vun.'

With this defiance, Mr. Weller buttoned up his change in a side pocket, and, with many confirmatory nods

They found Mr. Pickwick, in company with Jingle, talking very earnestly, and not bestowing a look on the

groups who were congregated on the racketground; they were very motley groups too, and worth the

'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, as Sam and his companion drew nigh, 'you will see how your health becomes, and

think about it meanwhile. Make the statement out for me when you feel yourself equal to the task, and I will

discuss the subject with you when I have considered it. Now, go to your room. You are tired, and not strong

Mr. Alfred Jingle, without one spark of his old animation with nothing even of the dismal gaiety which he

had assumed when Mr. Pickwick first stumbled on him in his miserybowed low without speaking, and,

'Curious scene this, is it not, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking goodhumouredly round.

'Wery much so, Sir,' replied Sam. 'Wonders 'ull never cease,' added Sam, speaking to himself. 'I'm wery much

The area formed by the wall in that part of the Fleet in which Mr. Pickwick stood was just wide enough to

make a good racketcourt; one side being formed, of course, by the wall itself, and the other by that portion

of the prison which looked (or rather would have looked, but for the wall) towards St. Paul's Cathedral.

Sauntering or sitting about, in every possible attitude of listless idleness, were a great number of debtors, the

major part of whom were waiting in prison until their day of 'going up' before the Insolvent Court should

arrive; while others had been remanded for various terms, which they were idling away as they best could.

Some were shabby, some were smart, many dirty, a few clean; but there they all lounged, and loitered, and

Lolling from the windows which commanded a view of this promenade were a number of persons, some in

noisy conversation with their acquaintance below, others playing at ball with some adventurous throwers

outside, others looking on at the racket players, or watching the boys as they cried the game. Dirty, slipshod

women passed and repassed, on their way to the cooking house in one corner of the yard; children

screamed, and fought, and played together, in another; the tumbling of the skittles, and the shouts of the

players, mingled perpetually with these and a hundred other sounds; and all was noise and tumultsave in a

little miserable shed a few yards off, where lay, all quiet and ghastly, the body of the Chancery prisoner who

had died the night before, awaiting the mockery of an inquest. The body! It is the lawyer's term for the

restless, whirling mass of cares and anxieties, affections, hopes, and griefs, that make up the living man. The

law had his body; and there it lay, clothed in grave clothes, an awful witness to its tender mercy.

'Bless your heart, no, Sir,' replied Job; 'a whistlingshop, Sir, is where they sell spirits.' Mr. Job Trotter

briefly explained here, that all persons, being prohibited under heavy penalties from conveying spirits into

debtors' prisons, and such commodities being highly prized by the ladies and gentlemen confined therein, it

had occurred to some speculative turnkey to connive, for certain lucrative considerations, at two or three

prisoners retailing the favourite article of gin, for their own profit and advantage.

'This plan, you see, Sir, has been gradually introduced into all the prisons for debt,' said Mr. Trotter.

'And it has this wery great advantage,' said Sam, 'that the turnkeys takes wery good care to seize hold o'

ev'rybody but them as pays 'em, that attempts the willainy, and wen it gets in the papers they're applauded for

their wigilance; so it cuts two waysfrightens other people from the trade, and elewates their own

'Well, but are these rooms never searched to ascertain whether any spirits are concealed in them?' said Mr.

'Cert'nly they are, Sir,' replied Sam; 'but the turnkeys knows beforehand, and gives the word to the wistlers,

By this time, Job had tapped at a door, which was opened by a gentleman with an uncombed head, who

bolted it after them when they had walked in, and grinned; upon which Job grinned, and Sam also;

whereupon Mr. Pickwick, thinking it might be expected of him, kept on smiling to the end of the interview.

The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared quite satisfied with this mute announcement of their

business, and, producing a flat stone bottle, which might hold about a couple of quarts, from beneath his

bedstead, filled out three glasses of gin, which Job Trotter and Sam disposed of in a most workmanlike

Mr. Pickwick paid, the door was unbolted, and out they came; the uncombed gentleman bestowing a friendly

From this spot, Mr. Pickwick wandered along all the galleries, up and down all the staircases, and once again

round the whole area of the yard. The great body of the prison population appeared to be Mivins, and

Smangle, and the parson, and the butcher, and the leg, over and over, and over again. There were the same

squalor, the same turmoil and noise, the same general characteristics, in every corner; in the best and the

worst alike. The whole place seemed restless and troubled; and the people were crowding and flitting to and

'I have seen enough,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he threw himself into a chair in his little apartment. 'My head

aches with these scenes, and my heart too. Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my own room.'

And Mr. Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this determination. For three long months he remained shut up, all

day; only stealing out at night to breathe the air, when the greater part of his fellowprisoners were in bed or

carousing in their rooms. His health was beginning to suffer from the closeness of the confinement, but

neither the oftenrepeated entreaties of Perker and his friends, nor the still more frequentlyrepeated

warnings and admonitions of Mr. Samuel Weller, could induce him to alter one jot of his inflexible

It was within a week of the close of the month of July, that a hackney cabriolet, number unrecorded, was seen

to proceed at a rapid pace up Goswell Street; three people were squeezed into it besides the driver, who sat in

his own particular little dickey at the side; over the apron were hung two shawls, belonging to two small

vixenishlooking ladies under the apron; between whom, compressed into a very small compass, was stowed

away, a gentleman of heavy and subdued demeanour, who, whenever he ventured to make an observation,

was snapped up short by one of the vixenish ladies beforementioned. Lastly, the two vixenish ladies and the

heavy gentleman were giving the driver contradictory directions, all tending to the one point, that he should

stop at Mrs. Bardell's door; which the heavy gentleman, in direct opposition to, and defiance of, the vixenish

'Oh! You perwerse creetur!' exclaimed one of the vixenish ladies. 'Drive to the 'ouse with the yellow door,

Upon this the cabman, who in a sudden effort to pull up at the house with the green door, had pulled the horse

up so high that he nearly pulled him backward into the cabriolet, let the animal's forelegs down to the

'Now vere am I to pull up?' inquired the driver. 'Settle it among yourselves. All I ask is, vere?'

Here the contest was renewed with increased violence; and the horse being troubled with a fly on his nose,

the cabman humanely employed his leisure in lashing him about on the head, on the counterirritation

'Most wotes carries the day!' said one of the vixenish ladies at length. 'The 'ouse with the yellow door,

But after the cabriolet had dashed up, in splendid style, to the house with the yellow door, 'making,' as one of

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 434

the vixenish ladies triumphantly said, 'acterrally more noise than if one had come in one's own carriage,' and

after the driver had dismounted to assist the ladies in getting out, the small round head of Master Thomas

Bardell was thrust out of the onepair window of a house with a red door, a few numbers off.

'Aggrawatin' thing!' said the vixenish lady lastmentioned, darting a withering glance at the heavy gentleman.

'Don't talk to me, you creetur, don't,' retorted the lady. 'The house with the red door, cabmin. Oh! If ever a

woman was troubled with a ruffinly creetur, that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracing his wife on every

'You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Raddle,' said the other little woman, who was no other than Mrs.

'Don't talk to me, don't, you brute, for fear I should be perwoked to forgit my sect and strike you!' said Mrs.

While this dialogue was going on, the driver was most ignominiously leading the horse, by the bridle, up to

the house with the red door, which Master Bardell had already opened. Here was a mean and low way of

arriving at a friend's house! No dashing up, with all the fire and fury of the animal; no jumping down of the

driver; no loud knocking at the door; no opening of the apron with a crash at the very last moment, for fear of

the ladies sitting in a draught; and then the man handing the shawls out, afterwards, as if he were a private

coachman! The whole edge of the thing had been taken offit was flatter than walking.

'Oh, she's very well,' replied Master Bardell. 'She's in the front parlour, all ready. I'm ready too, I am.' Here

Master Bardell put his hands in his pockets, and jumped off and on the bottom step of the door.

'Drat the boy,' said little Mrs. Cluppins. 'He thinks of nobody but himself. Here, Tommy, dear.'

'Oh! Mrs. Rogers is agoin',' replied Master Bardell, opening his eyes very wide as he delivered the

Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets, and nodded exactly thirtyfive times, to imply

'Ah, if you knew what was in the cupboard, you'd say so,' replied Master Bardell.

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 435

'What is there, Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins coaxingly. 'You'll tell ME, Tommy, I know.' 'No, I won't,' replied

Master Bardell, shaking his head, and applying himself to the bottom step again.

'Drat the child!' muttered Mrs. Cluppins. 'What a prowokin' little wretch it is! Come, Tommy, tell your dear

'Mother said I wasn't to,' rejoined Master Bardell, 'I'm agoin' to have some, I am.' Cheered by this prospect,

the precocious boy applied himself to his infantile treadmill, with increased vigour.

The above examination of a child of tender years took place while Mr. and Mrs. Raddle and the cabdriver

were having an altercation concerning the fare, which, terminating at this point in favour of the cabman, Mrs.

'It's put me all over in such a tremble, Betsy,' replied Mrs. Raddle. 'Raddle ain't like a man; he leaves

This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr. Raddle, who had been thrust aside by his good lady in the

commencement of the dispute, and peremptorily commanded to hold his tongue. He had no opportunity of

defending himself, however, for Mrs. Raddle gave unequivocal signs of fainting; which, being perceived

from the parlour window, Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, the lodger, and the lodger's servant, darted

precipitately out, and conveyed her into the house, all talking at the same time, and giving utterance to

various expressions of pity and condolence, as if she were one of the most suffering mortals on earth. Being

conveyed into the front parlour, she was there deposited on a sofa; and the lady from the first floor running up

to the first floor, returned with a bottle of salvolatile, which, holding Mrs. Raddle tight round the neck, she

applied in all womanly kindness and pity to her nose, until that lady with many plunges and struggles was

'Ah, poor thing!' said Mrs. Rogers, 'I know what her feelin's is, too well.' 'Ah, poor thing! so do I,' said Mrs.

Sanders; and then all the ladies moaned in unison, and said they knew what it was, and they pitied her from

their hearts, they did. Even the lodger's little servant, who was thirteen years old and three feet high,

'I have been a good deal flurried,' replied Mrs. Raddle, in a reproachful manner. Thereupon the ladies cast

'Why, the fact is,' said that unhappy gentleman, stepping forward, 'when we alighted at this door, a dispute

arose with the driver of the cabrioily' A loud scream from his wife, at the mention of this word, rendered

'You'd better leave us to bring her round, Raddle,' said Mrs. Cluppins. 'She'll never get better as long as you're

All the ladies concurred in this opinion; so Mr. Raddle was pushed out of the room, and requested to give

himself an airing in the back yard. Which he did for about a quarter of an hour, when Mrs. Bardell announced

to him with a solemn face that he might come in now, but that he must be very careful how he behaved

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 436

towards his wife. She knew he didn't mean to be unkind; but Mary Ann was very far from strong, and, if he

didn't take care, he might lose her when he least expected it, which would be a very dreadful reflection for

him afterwards; and so on. All this, Mr. Raddle heard with great submission, and presently returned to the

'Why, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'you've never been introduced, I declare! Mr. Raddle, ma'am;

'Oh, indeed!' said Mrs. Rogers graciously; for she was the lodger, and her servant was in waiting, so she was

Mrs. Raddle smiled sweetly, Mr. Raddle bowed, and Mrs. Cluppins said, 'she was sure she was very happy to

have an opportunity of being known to a lady which she had heerd so much in favour of, as Mrs. Rogers.' A

'Well, Mr. Raddle,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'I'm sure you ought to feel very much honoured at you and Tommy

being the only gentlemen to escort so many ladies all the way to the Spaniards, at Hampstead. Don't you

think he ought, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am?' 'Oh, certainly, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Rogers; after whom all the other

'Of course I feel it, ma'am,' said Mr. Raddle, rubbing his hands, and evincing a slight tendency to brighten up

a little. 'Indeed, to tell you the truth, I said, as we was acoming along in the cabrioily'

At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many painful recollections, Mrs. Raddle applied her

handkerchief to her eyes again, and uttered a halfsuppressed scream; so that Mrs. Bardell frowned upon Mr.

Raddle, to intimate that he had better not say anything more, and desired Mrs. Rogers's servant, with an air, to

This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the closet, which comprised sundry plates of

oranges and biscuits, and a bottle of old crusted portthat at oneandninewith another of the celebrated

East India sherry at fourteenpence, which were all produced in honour of the lodger, and afforded unlimited

satisfaction to everybody. After great consternation had been excited in the mind of Mrs. Cluppins, by an

attempt on the part of Tommy to recount how he had been crossexamined regarding the cupboard then in

action (which was fortunately nipped in the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted 'the wrong

way,' and thereby endangering his life for some seconds), the party walked forth in quest of a Hampstead

stage. This was soon found, and in a couple of hours they all arrived safely in the Spaniards Teagardens,

where the luckless Mr. Raddle's very first act nearly occasioned his good lady a relapse; it being neither more

nor less than to order tea for seven, whereas (as the ladies one and all remarked), what could have been easier

than for Tommy to have drank out of anybody's cupor everybody's, if that was allwhen the waiter wasn't

However, there was no help for it, and the teatray came, with seven cups and saucers, and breadandbutter

on the same scale. Mrs. Bardell was unanimously voted into the chair, and Mrs. Rogers being stationed on

her right hand, and Mrs. Raddle on her left, the meal proceeded with great merriment and success.

'How sweet the country is, to be sure!' sighed Mrs. Rogers; 'I almost wish I lived in it always.'

'Oh, you wouldn't like that, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Bardell, rather hastily; for it was not at all advisable, with

reference to the lodgings, to encourage such notions; 'you wouldn't like it, ma'am.'

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 437

'Oh! I should think you was a deal too lively and sought after, to be content with the country, ma'am,' said

'For lone people as have got nobody to care for them, or take care of them, or as have been hurt in their mind,

or that kind of thing,' observed Mr. Raddle, plucking up a little cheerfulness, and looking round, 'the country

Now, of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could have said, any would have been preferable to

this. Of course Mrs. Bardell burst into tears, and requested to be led from the table instantly; upon which the

'Would anybody believe, ma'am,' exclaimed Mrs. Raddle, turning fiercely to the firstfloor lodger, 'that a

woman could be married to such a unmanly creetur, which can tamper with a woman's feelings as he does,

'You didn't mean!' repeated Mrs. Raddle, with great scorn and contempt. 'Go away. I can't bear the sight on

'You must not flurry yourself, Mary Ann,' interposed Mrs. Cluppins. 'You really must consider yourself, my

dear, which you never do. Now go away, Raddle, there's a good soul, or you'll only aggravate her.'

'You had better take your tea by yourself, Sir, indeed,' said Mrs. Rogers, again applying the smellingbottle.

Mrs. Sanders, who, according to custom, was very busy with the breadandbutter, expressed the same

After this, there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell, who was rather a large size for hugging, into his

mother's arms, in which operation he got his boots in the teaboard, and occasioned some confusion among

the cups and saucers. But that description of fainting fits, which is contagious among ladies, seldom lasts

long; so when he had been well kissed, and a little cried over, Mrs. Bardell recovered, set him down again,

It was at this moment, that the sound of approaching wheels was heard, and that the ladies, looking up, saw a

'Well, if it ain't Mr. Jackson, the young man from Dodson and Fogg's!' cried Mrs. Bardell. 'Why, gracious!

'Dear me, how slow the gentleman is,'exclaimed Mrs. Rogers. 'Why doesn't he make haste!'

As the lady spoke these words, Mr. Jackson turned from the coach where he had been addressing some

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 438

observations to a shabby man in black leggings, who had just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash stick

in his hand, and made his way to the place where the ladies were seated; winding his hair round the brim of

his hat, as he came along. 'Is anything the matter? Has anything taken place, Mr. Jackson?' said Mrs. Bardell

'Nothing whatever, ma'am,' replied Mr. Jackson. 'How de do, ladies? I have to ask pardon, ladies, for

intrudingbut the law, ladiesthe law.' With this apology Mr. Jackson smiled, made a comprehensive bow,

and gave his hair another wind. Mrs. Rogers whispered Mrs. Raddle that he was really an elegant young man.

'I called in Goswell Street,' resumed Mr. Jackson, 'and hearing that you were here, from the slavey, took a

coach and came on. Our people want you down in the city directly, Mrs. Bardell.'

'Lor!' ejaculated that lady, starting at the sudden nature of the communication.

'Yes,' said Mr. Jackson, biting his lip. 'It's very important and pressing business, which can't be postponed on

any account. Indeed, Dodson expressly said so to me, and so did Fogg. I've kept the coach on purpose for you

The ladies agreed that it WAS very strange, but were unanimously of opinion that it must be very important,

or Dodson Fogg would never have sent; and further, that the business being urgent, she ought to repair to

There was a certain degree of pride and importance about being wanted by one's lawyers in such a monstrous

hurry, that was by no means displeasing to Mrs. Bardell, especially as it might be reasonably supposed to

enhance her consequence in the eyes of the firstfloor lodger. She simpered a little, affected extreme vexation

and hesitation, and at last arrived at the conclusion that she supposed she must go.

'But won't you refresh yourself after your walk, Mr. Jackson?' said Mrs. Bardell persuasively.

'Why, really there ain't much time to lose,' replied Jackson; 'and I've got a friend here,' he continued, looking

'Oh, ask your friend to come here, Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell. 'Pray ask your friend here, Sir.'

'Why, thank'ee, I'd rather not,' said Mr. Jackson, with some embarrassment of manner. 'He's not much used to

ladies' society, and it makes him bashful. If you'll order the waiter to deliver him anything short, he won't

drink it off at once, won't he!only try him!' Mr. Jackson's fingers wandered playfully round his nose at this

The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentleman, and the bashful gentleman took something; Mr.

Jackson also took something, and the ladies took something, for hospitality's sake. Mr. Jackson then said he

was afraid it was time to go; upon which, Mrs. Sanders, Mrs. Cluppins, and Tommy (who it was arranged

should accompany Mrs. Bardell, leaving the others to Mr. Raddle's protection), got into the coach.

'Isaac,' said Jackson, as Mrs. Bardell prepared to get in, looking up at the man with the ash stick, who was

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 439

Mrs. Bardell got in, Mr. Jackson got in after her, and away they drove. Mrs. Bardell could not help

ruminating on what Mr. Jackson's friend had said. Shrewd creatures, those lawyers. Lord bless us, how they

'Sad thing about these costs of our people's, ain't it,' said Jackson, when Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders had

'I'm very sorry they can't get them,' replied Mrs. Bardell. 'But if you law gentlemen do these things on

'You gave them a COGNOVIT for the amount of your costs, after the trial, I'm told!' said Jackson.

On they drove, and Mrs. Bardell fell asleep. She was awakened, after some time, by the stopping of the

'We're not going quite so far,' replied Jackson. 'Have the goodness to step out.'

Mrs. Bardell, not yet thoroughly awake, complied. It was a curious place: a large wall, with a gate in the

'Now, ladies,' cried the man with the ash stick, looking into the coach, and shaking Mrs. Sanders to wake her,

'Come!' Rousing her friend, Mrs. Sanders alighted. Mrs. Bardell, leaning on Jackson's arm, and leading

The room they turned into was even more oddlooking than the porch. Such a number of men standing

'Only one of our public offices,' replied Jackson, hurrying her through a door, and looking round to see that

'Safe and sound,' replied the man with the ash stick. The door swung heavily after them, and they descended a

'Here we are at last. All right and tight, Mrs. Bardell!' said Jackson, looking exultingly round.

'Just this,' replied Jackson, drawing her a little on one side; 'don't be frightened, Mrs. Bardell. There never

was a more delicate man than Dodson, ma'am, or a more humane man than Fogg. It was their duty in the way

CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG 440

of business, to take you in execution for them costs; but they were anxious to spare your feelings as much as

they could. What a comfort it must be, to you, to think how it's been done! This is the Fleet, ma'am. Wish you

As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the ash stick another man, with a key in his hand,

who had been looking on, led the bewildered female to a second short flight of steps leading to a doorway.

Mrs. Bardell screamed violently; Tommy roared; Mrs. Cluppins shrunk within herself; and Mrs. Sanders

made off, without more ado. For there stood the injured Mr. Pickwick, taking his nightly allowance of air;

and beside him leant Samuel Weller, who, seeing Mrs. Bardell, took his hat off with mock reverence, while

'A prisoner!' said Sam, quickly replacing his hat. 'Who's the plaintives? What for? Speak up, old feller.'

'Here, Job, Job!' shouted Sam, dashing into the passage. 'Run to Mr. Perker's, Job. I want him directly. I see

But there was no reply to these inquiries, for Job had started furiously off, the instant he received his

Job Trotter, abating nothing of his speed, ran up Holborn, sometimes in the middle of the road, sometimes on

the pavement, sometimes in the gutter, as the chances of getting along varied with the press of men, women,

children, and coaches, in each division of the thoroughfare, and, regardless of all obstacles stopped not for an

instant until he reached the gate of Gray's Inn. Notwithstanding all the expedition he had used, however, the

gate had been closed a good halfhour when he reached it, and by the time he had discovered Mr. Perker's

laundress, who lived with a married daughter, who had bestowed her hand upon a nonresident waiter, who

occupied the onepair of some number in some street closely adjoining to some brewery somewhere behind

Gray's Inn Lane, it was within fifteen minutes of closing the prison for the night. Mr. Lowten had still to be

ferreted out from the back parlour of the Magpie and Stump; and Job had scarcely accomplished this object,

'There,' said Lowten, 'it's too late now. You can't get in tonight; you've got the key of the street, my friend.'

'Never mind me,' replied Job. 'I can sleep anywhere. But won't it be better to see Mr. Perker tonight, so that

'Why,' responded Lowten, after a little consideration, 'if it was in anybody else's case, Perker wouldn't be best

pleased at my going up to his house; but as it's Mr. Pickwick's, I think I may venture to take a cab and charge

it to the office.' Deciding on this line of conduct, Mr. Lowten took up his hat, and begging the assembled

company to appoint a deputychairman during his temporary absence, led the way to the nearest

coachstand. Summoning the cab of most promising appearance, he directed the driver to repair to Montague

Mr. Perker had had a dinnerparty that day, as was testified by the appearance of lights in the drawingroom

windows, the sound of an improved grand piano, and an improvable cabinet voice issuing therefrom, and a

rather overpowering smell of meat which pervaded the steps and entry. In fact, a couple of very good country

agencies happening to come up to town, at the same time, an agreeable little party had been got together to

meet them, comprising Mr. Snicks, the Life Office Secretary, Mr. Prosee, the eminent counsel, three

solicitors, one commissioner of bankrupts, a special pleader from the Temple, a smalleyed peremptory

young gentleman, his pupil, who had written a lively book about the law of demises, with a vast quantity of

marginal notes and references; and several other eminent and distinguished personages. From this society,

little Mr. Perker detached himself, on his clerk being announced in a whisper; and repairing to the dining

room, there found Mr. Lowten and Job Trotter looking very dim and shadowy by the light of a kitchen

candle, which the gentleman who condescended to appear in plush shorts and cottons for a quarterly stipend,

had, with a becoming contempt for the clerk and all things appertaining to 'the office,' placed upon the table.

'Now, Lowten,' said little Mr. Perker, shutting the door,'what's the matter? No important letter come in a

'From Pickwick, eh?' said the little man, turning quickly to Job. 'Well, what is it?'

'Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs. Bardell in execution for her costs, Sir,' said Job.

'No!' exclaimed Perker, putting his hands in his pockets, and reclining against the sideboard.

'Yes,' said Job. 'It seems they got a cognovit out of her, for the amount of 'em, directly after the trial.'

'By Jove!' said Perker, taking both hands out of his pockets, and striking the knuckles of his right against the

palm of his left, emphatically, 'those are the cleverest scamps I ever had anything to do with!'

'Very true, Sir, there is not,' replied Lowten; and then, both master and man pondered for a few seconds, with

animated countenances, as if they were reflecting upon one of the most beautiful and ingenious discoveries

that the intellect of man had ever made. When they had in some measure recovered from their trance of

admiration, Job Trotter discharged himself of the rest of his commission. Perker nodded his head

'At ten precisely, I will be there,' said the little man. 'Sam is quite right. Tell him so. Will you take a glass of

'You mean yes, I think,' said the little man, turning to the sideboard for a decanter and glasses.

As Lowten DID mean yes, he said no more on the subject, but inquired of Job, in an audible whisper, whether

the portrait of Perker, which hung opposite the fireplace, wasn't a wonderful likeness, to which Job of course

replied that it was. The wine being by this time poured out, Lowten drank to Mrs. Perker and the children,

and Job to Perker. The gentleman in the plush shorts and cottons considering it no part of his duty to show the

people from the office out, consistently declined to answer the bell, and they showed themselves out. The

attorney betook himself to his drawingroom, the clerk to the Magpie and Stump, and Job to Covent Garden

Punctually at the appointed hour next morning, the good humoured little attorney tapped at Mr. Pickwick's

'Mr. Perker, sir,' said Sam, announcing the visitor to Mr. Pickwick, who was sitting at the window in a

thoughtful attitude. 'Wery glad you've looked in accidentally, Sir. I rather think the gov'nor wants to have a

Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam, intimating that he understood he was not to say he had been

Mr. Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer, then at Mr. Pickwick, then at the ceiling, then at Perker again;

grinned, laughed outright, and finally, catching up his hat from the carpet, without further explanation,

'What does this mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at Perker with astonishment. 'What has put Sam into

'Oh, nothing, nothing,' replied Perker. 'Come, my dear Sir, draw up your chair to the table. I have a good deal

'What papers are those?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, as the little man deposited on the table a small bundle of

'The papers in Bardell and Pickwick,' replied Perker, undoing the knot with his teeth.

Mr. Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against the ground; and throwing himself into it, folded his hands

'You don't like to hear the name of the cause?' said the little man, still busying himself with the knot.

'Sorry for that,' resumed Perker, 'because it will form the subject of our conversation.'

'I would rather that the subject should be never mentioned between us, Perker,' interposed Mr. Pickwick

'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' said the little man, untying the bundle, and glancing eagerly at Mr. Pickwick out of

the corners of his eyes. 'It must be mentioned. I have come here on purpose. Now, are you ready to hear what

I have to say, my dear Sir? No hurry; if you are not, I can wait. I have this morning's paper here. Your time

shall be mine. There!' Hereupon, the little man threw one leg over the other, and made a show of beginning to

'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a sigh, but softening into a smile at the same time. 'Say what you have to

'With a difference, my dear Sir; with a difference,' rejoined Perker, deliberately folding up the paper and

putting it into his pocket again. 'Mrs. Bardell, the plaintiff in the action, is within these walls, Sir.'

'Very good,' retorted Perker. 'And you know how she comes here, I suppose; I mean on what grounds, and at

'Yes; at least I have heard Sam's account of the matter,' said Mr. Pickwick, with affected carelessness.

'Sam's account of the matter,' replied Perker, 'is, I will venture to say, a perfectly correct one. Well now, my

dear Sir, the first question I have to ask, is, whether this woman is to remain here?'

'To remain here, my dear Sir,' rejoined Perker, leaning back in his chair and looking steadily at his client.

'How can you ask me?' said that gentleman. 'It rests with Dodson and Fogg; you know that very well.'

'I know nothing of the kind,' retorted Perker firmly. 'It does NOT rest with Dodson and Fogg; you know the

men, my dear Sir, as well as I do. It rests solely, wholly, and entirely with you.'

'With me!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, rising nervously from his chair, and reseating himself directly

The little man gave a doubleknock on the lid of his snuffbox, opened it, took a great pinch, shut it up

'I say, my dear Sir,' resumed the little man, who seemed to gather confidence from the snuff'I say, that her

speedy liberation or perpetual imprisonment rests with you, and with you alone. Hear me out, my dear Sir, if

you please, and do not be so very energetic, for it will only put you into a perspiration and do no good

whatever. I say,' continued Perker, checking off each position on a different finger, as he laid it down'I say

that nobody but you can rescue her from this den of wretchedness; and that you can only do that, by paying

the costs of this suit both of plaintive and defendantinto the hands of these Freeman Court sharks. Now

Mr. Pickwick, whose face had been undergoing most surprising changes during this speech, and was

evidently on the verge of a strong burst of indignation, calmed his wrath as well as he could. Perker,

'I have seen the woman, this morning. By paying the costs, you can obtain a full release and discharge from

the damages; and furtherthis I know is a far greater object of consideration with you, my dear sira

voluntary statement, under her hand, in the form of a letter to me, that this business was, from the very first,

fomented, and encouraged, and brought about, by these men, Dodson and Fogg; that she deeply regrets ever

having been the instrument of annoyance or injury to you; and that she entreats me to intercede with you, and

'If I pay her costs for her,' said Mr. Pickwick indignantly. 'A valuable document, indeed!'

'No "if" in the case, my dear Sir,' said Perker triumphantly. 'There is the very letter I speak of. Brought to my

office by another woman at nine o'clock this morning, before I had set foot in this place, or held any

communication with Mrs. Bardell, upon my honour.' Selecting the letter from the bundle, the little lawyer laid

it at Mr. Pickwick's elbow, and took snuff for two consecutive minutes, without winking.

'Not quite,' replied Perker. 'I cannot undertake to say, at this moment, whether the wording of the cognovit,

the nature of the ostensible consideration, and the proof we can get together about the whole conduct of the

suit, will be sufficient to justify an indictment for conspiracy. I fear not, my dear Sir; they are too clever for

that, I doubt. I do mean to say, however, that the whole facts, taken together, will be sufficient to justify you,

in the minds of all reasonable men. And now, my dear Sir, I put it to you. This one hundred and fifty pounds,

or whatever it may be take it in round numbersis nothing to you. A jury had decided against you; well,

their verdict is wrong, but still they decided as they thought right, and it IS against you. You have now an

opportunity, on easy terms, of placing yourself in a much higher position than you ever could, by remaining

here; which would only be imputed, by people who didn't know you, to sheer dogged, wrongheaded, brutal

obstinacy; nothing else, my dear Sir, believe me. Can you hesitate to avail yourself of it, when it restores you

to your friends, your old pursuits, your health and amusements; when it liberates your faithful and attached

servant, whom you otherwise doom to imprisonment for the whole of your life; and above all, when it

enables you to take the very magnanimous revengewhich I know, my dear sir, is one after your own

heartof releasing this woman from a scene of misery and debauchery, to which no man should ever be

consigned, if I had my will, but the infliction of which on any woman, is even more frightful and barbarous.

Now I ask you, my dear sir, not only as your legal adviser, but as your very true friend, will you let slip the

occasion of attaining all these objects, and doing all this good, for the paltry consideration of a few pounds

finding their way into the pockets of a couple of rascals, to whom it makes no manner of difference, except

that the more they gain, the more they'll seek, and so the sooner be led into some piece of knavery that must

end in a crash? I have put these considerations to you, my dear Sir, very feebly and imperfectly, but I ask you

to think of them. Turn them over in your mind as long as you please. I wait here most patiently for your

Before Mr. Pickwick could reply, before Mr. Perker had taken one twentieth part of the snuff with which so

unusually long an address imperatively required to be followed up, there was a low murmuring of voices

'Dear, dear,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had been evidently roused by his friend's appeal; 'what an

'I can't speak to you just now, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am engaged at this moment, Sam.'

'Beg your pardon, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'But here's a lady here, Sir, as says she's somethin' wery

'I can't see any lady,' replied Mr. Pickwick, whose mind was filled with visions of Mrs. Bardell.

'I wouldn't make too sure o' that, Sir,' urged Mr. Weller, shaking his head. 'If you know'd who was near, sir, I

rayther think you'd change your note; as the hawk remarked to himself vith a cheerful laugh, ven he heerd the

'Will you see her, Sir?' asked Mr. Weller, holding the door in his hand as if he had some curious live animal

'Well then, all in to begin!' cried Sam. 'Sound the gong, draw up the curtain, and enter the two conspiraytors.'

As Sam Weller spoke, he threw the door open, and there rushed tumultuously into the room, Mr. Nathaniel

Winkle, leading after him by the hand, the identical young lady who at Dingley Dell had worn the boots with

the fur round the tops, and who, now a very pleasing compound of blushes and confusion, and lilac silk, and a

'No,' replied Mr. Winkle, dropping on his knees. 'Mrs. Winkle. Pardon, my dear friend, pardon!'

Mr. Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence of his senses, and perhaps would not have done so, but for

the corroborative testimony afforded by the smiling countenance of Perker, and the bodily presence, in the

background, of Sam and the pretty housemaid; who appeared to contemplate the proceedings with the

'Oh, Mr. Pickwick!' said Arabella, in a low voice, as if alarmed at the silence. 'Can you forgive my

Mr. Pickwick returned no verbal response to this appeal; but he took off his spectacles in great haste, and

seizing both the young lady's hands in his, kissed her a great number of times perhaps a greater number

than was absolutely necessaryand then, still retaining one of her hands, told Mr. Winkle he was an

audacious young dog, and bade him get up. This, Mr. Winkle, who had been for some seconds scratching his

nose with the brim of his hat, in a penitent manner, did; whereupon Mr. Pickwick slapped him on the back

several times, and then shook hands heartily with Perker, who, not to be behindhand in the compliments of

the occasion, saluted both the bride and the pretty housemaid with right goodwill, and, having wrung Mr,

Winkle's hand most cordially, wound up his demonstrations of joy by taking snuff enough to set any

halfdozen men with ordinarily constructed noses, asneezing for life. 'Why, my dear girl,' said Mr.

Pickwick, 'how has all this come about? Come! Sit down, and let me hear it all. How well she looks, doesn't

she, Perker?' added Mr. Pickwick, surveying Arabella's face with a look of as much pride and exultation, as if

'Delightful, my dear Sir,' replied the little man. 'If I were not a married man myself, I should be disposed to

envy you, you dog.' Thus expressing himself, the little lawyer gave Mr. Winkle a poke in the chest, which

that gentleman reciprocated; after which they both laughed very loudly, but not so loudly as Mr. Samuel

Weller, who had just relieved his feelings by kissing the pretty housemaid under cover of the cupboard door.

'I can never be grateful enough to you, Sam, I am sure,' said Arabella, with the sweetest smile imaginable. 'I

'Don't say nothin' wotever about it, ma'am,' replied Sam. 'I only assisted natur, ma'am; as the doctor said to

'Mary, my dear, sit down,' said Mr. Pickwick, cutting short these compliments. 'Now then; how long have you

Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master, who replied, 'Only three days.'

'Only three days, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why, what have you been doing these three months?'

'Ah, to be sure!' interposed Perker; 'come, account for this idleness. You see Mr. Pickwick's only

'Why the fact is,' replied Mr. Winkle, looking at his blushing young wife, 'that I could not persuade Bella to

run away, for a long time. And when I had persuaded her, it was a long time more before we could find an

opportunity. Mary had to give a month's warning, too, before she could leave her place next door, and we

couldn't possibly have done it without her assistance.' 'Upon my word,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who by this

time had resumed his spectacles, and was looking from Arabella to Winkle, and from Winkle to Arabella,

with as much delight depicted in his countenance as warmheartedness and kindly feeling can communicate to

the human face'upon my word! you seem to have been very systematic in your proceedings. And is your

'Oh, no, no,' replied Arabella, changing colour. 'Dear Mr. Pickwick, he must only know it from youfrom

your lips alone. He is so violent, so prejudiced, and has been soso anxious in behalf of his friend, Mr,

Sawyer,' added Arabella, looking down, 'that I fear the consequences dreadfully.'

'Ah, to be sure,' said Perker gravely. 'You must take this matter in hand for them, my dear sir. These young

men will respect you, when they would listen to nobody else. You must prevent mischief, my dear Sir. Hot

blood, hot blood.' And the little man took a warning pinch, and shook his head doubtfully.

'You forget, my love,' said Mr. Pickwick gently, 'you forget that I am a prisoner.'

'No, indeed I do not, my dear Sir,' replied Arabella. 'I never have forgotten it. I have never ceased to think

how great your sufferings must have been in this shocking place. But I hoped that what no consideration for

yourself would induce you to do, a regard to our happiness might. If my brother hears of this, first, from you,

I feel certain we shall be reconciled. He is my only relation in the world, Mr. Pickwick, and unless you plead

for me, I fear I have lost even him. I have done wrong, very, very wrong, I know.'Here poor Arabella hid her

Mr. Pickwick's nature was a good deal worked upon, by these same tears; but when Mrs. Winkle, drying her

eyes, took to coaxing and entreating in the sweetest tones of a very sweet voice, he became particularly

restless, and evidently undecided how to act, as was evinced by sundry nervous rubbings of his spectacle

Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecision, Mr. Perker (to whom, it appeared, the young couple had

driven straight that morning) urged with legal point and shrewdness that Mr. Winkle, senior, was still

unacquainted with the important rise in life's flight of steps which his son had taken; that the future

expectations of the said son depended entirely upon the said Winkle, senior, continuing to regard him with

undiminished feelings of affection and attachment, which it was very unlikely he would, if this great event

were long kept a secret from him; that Mr. Pickwick, repairing to Bristol to seek Mr. Allen, might, with equal

reason, repair to Birmingham to seek Mr. Winkle, senior; lastly, that Mr. Winkle, senior, had good right and

title to consider Mr. Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and adviser of his son, and that it consequently

behoved that gentleman, and was indeed due to his personal character, to acquaint the aforesaid Winkle,

senior, personally, and by word of mouth, with the whole circumstances of the case, and with the share he

Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass arrived, most opportunely, in this stage of the pleadings, and as it was

necessary to explain to them all that had occurred, together with the various reasons pro and con, the whole of

the arguments were gone over again, after which everybody urged every argument in his own way, and at his

own length. And, at last, Mr. Pickwick, fairly argued and remonstrated out of all his resolutions, and being in

imminent danger of being argued and remonstrated out of his wits, caught Arabella in his arms, and declaring

that she was a very amiable creature, and that he didn't know how it was, but he had always been very fond of

her from the first, said he could never find it in his heart to stand in the way of young people's happiness, and

Mr. Weller's first act, on hearing this concession, was to despatch Job Trotter to the illustrious Mr. Pell, with

an authority to deliver to the bearer the formal discharge which his prudent parent had had the foresight to

leave in the hands of that learned gentleman, in case it should be, at any time, required on an emergency; his

next proceeding was, to invest his whole stock of readymoney in the purchase of fiveandtwenty gallons

of mild porter, which he himself dispensed on the racketground to everybody who would partake of it; this

done, he hurra'd in divers parts of the building until he lost his voice, and then quietly relapsed into his usual

At three o'clock that afternoon, Mr. Pickwick took a last look at his little room, and made his way, as well as

he could, through the throng of debtors who pressed eagerly forward to shake him by the hand, until he

reached the lodge steps. He turned here, to look about him, and his eye lightened as he did so. In all the

crowd of wan, emaciated faces, he saw not one which was not happier for his sympathy and charity.

'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, beckoning one young man towards him, 'this is Mr. Jingle, whom I spoke to you

'Very good, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, looking hard at Jingle. 'You will see me again, young man,

tomorrow. I hope you may live to remember and feel deeply, what I shall have to communicate, Sir.'

Jingle bowed respectfully, trembled very much as he took Mr. Pickwick's proffered hand, and withdrew.

'I know the rascal,' replied Perker goodhumouredly. 'See after your friend, and be in the way tomorrow at

'Nothing,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'You have delivered the little parcel I gave you for your old landlord, Sam?'

'I have, Sir,' replied Sam. 'He bust out acryin', Sir, and said you wos wery gen'rous and thoughtful, and he

only wished you could have him innockilated for a gallopin' consumption, for his old friend as had lived here

so long wos dead, and he'd noweres to look for another.' 'Poor fellow, poor fellow!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'God

As Mr. Pickwick uttered this adieu, the crowd raised a loud shout. Many among them were pressing forward

to shake him by the hand again, when he drew his arm through Perker's, and hurried from the prison, far more

sad and melancholy, for the moment, than when he had first entered it. Alas! how many sad and unhappy

A happy evening was that for at least one party in the George and Vulture; and light and cheerful were two of

the hearts that emerged from its hospitable door next morning. The owners thereof were Mr. Pickwick and

Sam Weller, the former of whom was speedily deposited inside a comfortable postcoach, with a little dickey

'Wy, Sir,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, rubbing his hands, 'how they would go if they had been!'

Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer sat together in the little surgery behind the shop, discussing minced veal

and future prospects, when the discourse, not unnaturally, turned upon the practice acquired by Bob the

aforesaid, and his present chances of deriving a competent independence from the honourable profession to

'Which, I think,' observed Mr. Bob Sawyer, pursuing the thread of the subject'which, I think, Ben, are

'What's rather dubious?' inquired Mr. Ben Allen, at the same time sharpening his intellect with a draught of

'I forgot,' said Mr. Ben Allen. 'The beer has reminded me that I forgot, Bobyes; they ARE dubious.'

'It's wonderful how the poor people patronise me,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer reflectively. 'They knock me up, at

all hours of the night; they take medicine to an extent which I should have conceived impossible; they put on

blisters and leeches with a perseverance worthy of a better cause; they make additions to their families, in a

manner which is quite awful. Six of those lastnamed little promissory notes, all due on the same day, Ben,

'It's very gratifying, isn't it?' said Mr. Ben Allen, holding his plate for some more minced veal.

'Oh, very,' replied Bob; 'only not quite so much so as the confidence of patients with a shilling or two to spare

would be. This business was capitally described in the advertisement, Ben. It is a practice, a very extensive

'Bob,' said Mr. Ben Allen, laying down his knife and fork, and fixing his eyes on the visage of his friend,

'You must make yourself, with as little delay as possible, master of Arabella's one thousand pounds.'

'Three per cent. consolidated bank annuities, now standing in her name in the book or books of the governor

'Exactly so,' said Ben. 'She has it when she comes of age, or marries. She wants a year of coming of age, and

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 449

'She's a very charming and delightful creature,' quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; 'and has only one fault

that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me.'

'It's my opinion that she don't know what she does like,' said Mr. Ben Allen contemptuously.

'Perhaps not,' remarked Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'But it's my opinion that she does know what she doesn't like, and

'I wish,' said Mr. Ben Allen, setting his teeth together, and speaking more like a savage warrior who fed on

raw wolf's flesh which he carved with his fingers, than a peaceable young gentleman who ate minced veal

with a knife and fork'I wish I knew whether any rascal really has been tampering with her, and attempting

'I'd put a bullet in him, if I found him out,' said Mr. Sawyer, stopping in the course of a long draught of beer,

and looking malignantly out of the porter pot. 'If that didn't do his business, I'd extract it afterwards, and kill

Mr. Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his friend for some minutes in silence, and then said

'You shall do it, before you are twentyfour hours older,' retorted Ben, with desperate calmness. 'She shall

'We shall see, my friend,' replied Mr. Ben Allen fiercely. He paused for a few seconds, and added in a voice

broken by emotion, 'You have loved her from a child, my friend. You loved her when we were boys at school

together, and, even then, she was wayward and slighted your young feelings. Do you recollect, with all the

eagerness of a child's love, one day pressing upon her acceptance, two small carawayseed biscuits and one

'She did,' rejoined Bob. 'She said I had kept the parcel so long in the pockets of my corduroys, that the apple

'I remember,' said Mr. Allen gloomily. 'Upon which we ate it ourselves, in alternate bites.'

Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the circumstance last alluded to, by a melancholy frown; and the

While these observations were being exchanged between Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen; and

while the boy in the gray livery, marvelling at the unwonted prolongation of the dinner, cast an anxious look,

from time to time, towards the glass door, distracted by inward misgivings regarding the amount of minced

veal which would be ultimately reserved for his individual cravings; there rolled soberly on through the

streets of Bristol, a private fly, painted of a sad green colour, drawn by a chubby sort of brown horse, and

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 450

driven by a surlylooking man with his legs dressed like the legs of a groom, and his body attired in the coat

of a coachman. Such appearances are common to many vehicles belonging to, and maintained by, old ladies

of economic habits; and in this vehicle sat an old lady who was its mistress and proprietor.

The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this proof of the surly man's foresight imparted to her feelings;

and the surly man giving a smart lash to the chubby horse, they all repaired to Mr. Bob Sawyer's together.

'Martin!' said the old lady, when the fly stopped at the door of Mr. Robert Sawyer, late Nockemorf.

'I'm going to mind the horse myself,' said Martin, laying his whip on the roof of the fly.

'I can't permit it, on any account,' said the old lady; 'your testimony will be very important, and I must take

you into the house with me. You must not stir from my side during the whole interview. Do you hear?'

'Nothing,' replied Martin. So saying, the surly man leisurely descended from the wheel, on which he had been

poising himself on the tops of the toes of his right foot, and having summoned the boy in the gray livery,

opened the coach door, flung down the steps, and thrusting in a hand enveloped in a dark washleather glove,

pulled out the old lady with as much unconcern in his manner as if she were a bandbox.

'Dear me!' exclaimed the old lady. 'I am so flurried, now I have got here, Martin, that I'm all in a tremble.'

Mr. Martin coughed behind the dark washleather gloves, but expressed no sympathy; so the old lady,

composing herself, trotted up Mr. Bob Sawyer's steps, and Mr. Martin followed. Immediately on the old

lady's entering the shop, Mr. Benjamin Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been putting the spiritsand

water out of sight, and upsetting nauseous drugs to take off the smell of the tobacco smoke, issued hastily

'My dear aunt,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, 'how kind of you to look in upon us! Mr. Sawyer, aunt; my friend

Mr. Bob Sawyer whom I have spoken to you about, regardingyou know, aunt.' And here Mr. Ben Allen,

who was not at the moment extraordinarily sober, added the word 'Arabella,' in what was meant to be a

whisper, but which was an especially audible and distinct tone of speech which nobody could avoid hearing,

'My dear Benjamin,' said the old lady, struggling with a great shortness of breath, and trembling from head to

foot, 'don't be alarmed, my dear, but I think I had better speak to Mr. Sawyer, alone, for a moment. Only for

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 451

'Certainly,' responded Bob, in a most professional voice. 'Step this way, my dear ma'am. Don't be frightened,

ma'am. We shall be able to set you to rights in a very short time, I have no doubt, ma'am. Here, my dear

ma'am. Now then!' With this, Mr. Bob Sawyer having handed the old lady to a chair, shut the door, drew

another chair close to her, and waited to hear detailed the symptoms of some disorder from which he saw in

The first thing the old lady did, was to shake her head a great many times, and began to cry.

'Nervous,' said Bob Sawyer complacently. 'Camphorjulep and water three times a day, and composing

'I don't know how to begin, Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady. 'It is so very painful and distressing.'

'You need not begin, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'I can anticipate all you would say. The head is in

'I should be very sorry to think it was the heart,' said the old lady, with a slight groan.

'Not the slightest danger of that, ma'am,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'The stomach is the primary cause.'

'Not the least doubt of it, ma'am,' rejoined Bob, looking wondrous wise. 'Medicine, in time, my dear ma'am,

'Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady, more flurried than before, 'this conduct is either great impertinence to one in

my situation, Sir, or it arises from your not understanding the object of my visit. If it had been in the power of

medicine, or any foresight I could have used, to prevent what has occurred, I should certainly have done so. I

had better see my nephew at once,' said the old lady, twirling her reticule indignantly, and rising as she spoke.

'Stop a moment, ma'am,' said Bob Sawyer; 'I'm afraid I have not understood you. What IS the matter, ma'am?'

'Yes, ma'am,' said Bob, all impatience; for the old lady, although much agitated, spoke with the most

'Left my home, Mr. Sawyer, three days ago, on a pretended visit to my sister, another aunt of hers, who keeps

the large boardingschool, just beyond the third milestone, where there is a very large laburnumtree and an

'Oh, devil take the laburnumtree, ma'am!' said Bob, quite forgetting his professional dignity in his anxiety.

'She came back, ma'am, I suppose,' said Bob, with great animation. 'Did she come back?'

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 452

'She said, Mr. Sawyer,' replied the old lady'and it is this I want to prepare Benjamin's mind for, gently and

by degrees; she said that she was I have got the letter in my pocket, Mr. Sawyer, but my glasses are in the

carriage, and I should only waste your time if I attempted to point out the passage to you, without them; she

said, in short, Mr. Sawyer, that she was married.' 'What!' said, or rather shouted, Mr. Bob Sawyer.

Mr. Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more; but darting from the surgery into the outer shop, cried in a

Mr. Ben Allen, who had been slumbering behind the counter, with his head half a foot or so below his knees,

no sooner heard this appalling communication, than he made a precipitate rush at Mr. Martin, and, twisting

his hand in the neckcloth of that taciturn servitor, expressed an obliging intention of choking him where he

stood. This intention, with a promptitude often the effect of desperation, he at once commenced carrying into

Mr. Martin, who was a man of few words and possessed but little power of eloquence or persuasion,

submitted to this operation with a very calm and agreeable expression of countenance, for some seconds;

finding, however, that it threatened speedily to lead to a result which would place it beyond his power to

claim any wages, board or otherwise, in all time to come, he muttered an inarticulate remonstrance and felled

Mr. Benjamin Allen to the ground. As that gentleman had his hands entangled in his cravat, he had no

alternative but to follow him to the floor. There they both lay struggling, when the shop door opened, and the

party was increased by the arrival of two most unexpected visitors, to wit, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Samuel

The impression at once produced on Mr. Weller's mind by what he saw, was, that Mr. Martin was hired by

the establishment of Sawyer, late Nockemorf, to take strong medicine, or to go into fits and be

experimentalised upon, or to swallow poison now and then with the view of testing the efficacy of some new

antidotes, or to do something or other to promote the great science of medicine, and gratify the ardent spirit of

inquiry burning in the bosoms of its two young professors. So, without presuming to interfere, Sam stood

perfectly still, and looked on, as if he were mightily interested in the result of the then pending experiment.

Not so, Mr. Pickwick. He at once threw himself on the astonished combatants, with his accustomed energy,

This roused Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been hitherto quite paralysed by the frenzy of his companion. With

that gentleman's assistance, Mr. Pickwick raised Ben Allen to his feet. Mr. Martin finding himself alone on

Before Bob could reply, Mr. Ben Allen seized Mr. Pickwick by the hand, and murmured, in sorrowful

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 453

'Oh, is that all!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'We shall easily arrange that matter, I hope. Your sister is safe and well,

'Sorry to do anythin' as may cause an interruption to such wery pleasant proceedin's, as the king said wen he

dissolved the parliament,' interposed Mr. Weller, who had been peeping through the glass door; 'but there's

another experiment here, sir. Here's a wenerable old lady alyin' on the carpet waitin' for dissection, or

'Strange sitivation for one o' the family,' observed Sam Weller, hoisting the aunt into a chair. 'Now depitty

The latter observation was addressed to the boy in gray, who, having handed over the fly to the care of the

streetkeeper, had come back to see what all the noise was about. Between the boy in gray, and Mr. Bob

Sawyer, and Mr. Benjamin Allen (who having frightened his aunt into a fainting fit, was affectionately

solicitous for her recovery) the old lady was at length restored to consciousness; then Mr. Ben Allen, turning

with a puzzled countenance to Mr. Pickwick, asked him what he was about to say, when he had been so

'We are all friends here, I presume?' said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his voice, and looking towards the man of

This reminded Mr. Bob Sawyer that the boy in gray was looking on, with eyes wide open, and greedy ears.

The incipient chemist having been lifted up by his coat collar, and dropped outside the door, Bob Sawyer

'Your sister, my dear Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, turning to Benjamin Allen, 'is in London; well and happy.'

'Her happiness is no object to me, sir,' said Benjamin Allen, with a flourish of the hand.

'Her husband IS an object to ME, Sir,' said Bob Sawyer. 'He shall be an object to me, sir, at twelve paces, and

a pretty object I'll make of him, sira meanspirited scoundrel!' This, as it stood, was a very pretty

denunciation, and magnanimous withal; but Mr. Bob Sawyer rather weakened its effect, by winding up with

some general observations concerning the punching of heads and knocking out of eyes, which were

'Stay, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'before you apply those epithets to the gentleman in question, consider,

dispassionately, the extent of his fault, and above all remember that he is a friend of mine.'

Mr. Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spectacles beneath the heel of his boot, and having picked up the

pieces, and put them into three separate pockets, folded his arms, bit his lips, and looked in a threatening

'Then it's you, is it, Sir, who have encouraged and brought about this match?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen at

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 454

'And it's this gentleman's servant, I suppose,' interrupted the old lady, 'who has been skulking about my

house, and endeavouring to entrap my servants to conspire against their mistress.Martin!'

'Is that the young man you saw in the lane, whom you told me about, this morning?'

Mr. Martin, who, as it has already appeared, was a man of few words, looked at Sam Weller, nodded his

head, and growled forth, 'That's the man.' Mr. Weller, who was never proud, gave a smile of friendly

recognition as his eyes encountered those of the surly groom, and admitted in courteous terms, that he had

'And this is the faithful creature,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, 'whom I had nearly suffocated!Mr. Pickwick,

how dare you allow your fellow to be employed in the abduction of my sister? I demand that you explain this

'Nothing but a do,' remarked Martin. 'Pray hear me,' urged Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Ben Allen fell into a chair

that patients were bled in, and gave way to his pocket handkerchief. 'I have rendered no assistance in this

matter, beyond being present at one interview between the young people which I could not prevent, and from

which I conceived my presence would remove any slight colouring of impropriety that it might otherwise

have had; this is the whole share I have had in the transaction, and I had no suspicion that an immediate

marriage was even contemplated. Though, mind,' added Mr. Pickwick, hastily checking himself'mind, I do

'I hope they do,' mildly observed Mr. Pickwick, looking round, 'and,' added that gentleman, his colour

mounting as he spoke, 'I hope they hear this, Sir, also. That from what has been stated to me, sir, I assert that

you were by no means justified in attempting to force your sister's inclinations as you did, and that you

should rather have endeavoured by your kindness and forbearance to have supplied the place of other nearer

relations whom she had never known, from a child. As regards my young friend, I must beg to add, that in

every point of worldly advantage he is, at least, on an equal footing with yourself, if not on a much better one,

and that unless I hear this question discussed with becoming temper and moderation, I decline hearing any

'I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition to wot has been put for'ard by the honourable gen'l'm'n as has

jist give over,' said Mr. Weller, stepping forth, 'wich is this here: a indiwidual in company has called me a

'That has nothing whatever to do with the matter, Sam,' interposed Mr. Pickwick. 'Pray hold your tongue.'

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 455

'I ain't agoin' to say nothin' on that 'ere pint, sir,' replied Sam, 'but merely this here. P'raps that gen'l'm'n may

think as there wos a priory 'tachment; but there worn't nothin' o' the sort, for the young lady said in the wery

beginnin' o' the keepin' company, that she couldn't abide him. Nobody's cut him out, and it 'ud ha' been jist

the wery same for him if the young lady had never seen Mr. Vinkle. That's what I wished to say, sir, and I

A short pause followed these consolatory remarks of Mr. Weller. Then Mr. Ben Allen rising from his chair,

protested that he would never see Arabella's face again; while Mr. Bob Sawyer, despite Sam's flattering

But, just when matters were at their height, and threatening to remain so, Mr. Pickwick found a powerful

assistant in the old lady, who, evidently much struck by the mode in which he had advocated her niece's

cause, ventured to approach Mr. Benjamin Allen with a few comforting reflections, of which the chief were,

that after all, perhaps, it was well it was no worse; the least said the soonest mended, and upon her word she

did not know that it was so very bad after all; what was over couldn't be begun, and what couldn't be cured

must be endured; with various other assurances of the like novel and strengthening description. To all of

these, Mr. Benjamin Allen replied that he meant no disrespect to his aunt, or anybody there, but if it were all

the same to them, and they would allow him to have his own way, he would rather have the pleasure of hating

At length, when this determination had been announced half a hundred times, the old lady suddenly bridling

up and looking very majestic, wished to know what she had done that no respect was to be paid to her years

or station, and that she should be obliged to beg and pray, in that way, of her own nephew, whom she

remembered about fiveandtwenty years before he was born, and whom she had known, personally, when

he hadn't a tooth in his head; to say nothing of her presence on the first occasion of his having his hair cut,

and assistance at numerous other times and ceremonies during his babyhood, of sufficient importance to

While the good lady was bestowing this objurgation on Mr. Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer and Mr. Pickwick had

retired in close conversation to the inner room, where Mr. Sawyer was observed to apply himself several

times to the mouth of a black bottle, under the influence of which, his features gradually assumed a cheerful

and even jovial expression. And at last he emerged from the room, bottle in hand, and, remarking that he was

very sorry to say he had been making a fool of himself, begged to propose the health and happiness of Mr.

and Mrs. Winkle, whose felicity, so far from envying, he would be the first to congratulate them upon.

Hearing this, Mr. Ben Allen suddenly arose from his chair, and, seizing the black bottle, drank the toast so

heartily, that, the liquor being strong, he became nearly as black in the face as the bottle. Finally, the black

bottle went round till it was empty, and there was so much shaking of hands and interchanging of

'I am sorry,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that I must return to my inn. I have not been accustomed to fatigue lately,

'You'll take some tea, Mr. Pickwick?' said the old lady, with irresistible sweetness.

'Thank you, I would rather not,' replied that gentleman. The truth is, that the old lady's evidently increasing

admiration was Mr. Pickwick's principal inducement for going away. He thought of Mrs. Bardell; and every

As Mr. Pickwick could by no means be prevailed upon to stay, it was arranged at once, on his own

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 456

proposition, that Mr. Benjamin Allen should accompany him on his journey to the elder Mr. Winkle's, and

that the coach should be at the door, at nine o'clock next morning. He then took his leave, and, followed by

Samuel Weller, repaired to the Bush. It is worthy of remark, that Mr. Martin's face was horribly convulsed as

he shook hands with Sam at parting, and that he gave vent to a smile and an oath simultaneously; from which

tokens it has been inferred by those who were best acquainted with that gentleman's peculiarities, that he

expressed himself much pleased with Mr. Weller's society, and requested the honour of his further

'Why, no, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'as I dined in the coffeeroom, and shall go to bed soon, it is hardly

Mr. Weller departed on his errand, and presently returned to say that there was only a gentleman with one

'He's a queer customer, the vuneyed vun, sir,' observed Mr. Weller, as he led the way. 'He's agammonin'

that 'ere landlord, he is, sir, till he don't rightly know wether he's astanding on the soles of his boots or the

The individual to whom this observation referred, was sitting at the upper end of the room when Mr.

Pickwick entered, and was smoking a large Dutch pipe, with his eye intently fixed on the round face of the

landlord; a jollylooking old personage, to whom he had recently been relating some tale of wonder, as was

testified by sundry disjointed exclamations of, 'Well, I wouldn't have believed it! The strangest thing I ever

heard! Couldn't have supposed it possible!' and other expressions of astonishment which burst spontaneously

'Very much so indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, as the waiter placed a small decanter of brandy, and some hot

While Mr. Pickwick was mixing his brandyandwater, the oneeyed man looked round at him earnestly,

'I dare say not,' said the oneeyed man. 'You didn't know me, but I knew two friends of yours that were

'Yes,' rejoined the oneeyed man. 'I mentioned a little circumstance to them about a friend of mine of the

CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER 457

'He was a wonderful man, that uncle of yours, though,' remarked the landlord shaking his head.

'Well, I think he was; I think I may say he was,' answered the oneeyed man. 'I could tell you a story about

The oneeyed bagman ladled out a glass of negus from the bowl, and drank it; smoked a long whiff out of the

Dutch pipe; and then, calling to Sam Weller who was lingering near the door, that he needn't go away unless

he wanted to, because the story was no secret, fixed his eye upon the landlord's, and proceeded, in the words

'My uncle, gentlemen,' said the bagman, 'was one of the merriest, pleasantest, cleverest fellows, that ever

lived. I wish you had known him, gentlemen. On second thoughts, gentlemen, I don't wish you had known

him, for if you had, you would have been all, by this time, in the ordinary course of nature, if not dead, at all

events so near it, as to have taken to stopping at home and giving up company, which would have deprived

me of the inestimable pleasure of addressing you at this moment. Gentlemen, I wish your fathers and mothers

had known my uncle. They would have been amazingly fond of him, especially your respectable mothers; I

know they would. If any two of his numerous virtues predominated over the many that adorned his character,

I should say they were his mixed punch and his after supper song. Excuse my dwelling on these melancholy

recollections of departed worth; you won't see a man like my uncle every day in the week.

'I have always considered it a great point in my uncle's character, gentlemen, that he was the intimate friend

and companion of Tom Smart, of the great house of Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, City. My uncle

collected for Tiggin and Welps, but for a long time he went pretty near the same journey as Tom; and the

very first night they met, my uncle took a fancy for Tom, and Tom took a fancy for my uncle. They made a

bet of a new hat before they had known each other half an hour, who should brew the best quart of punch and

drink it the quickest. My uncle was judged to have won the making, but Tom Smart beat him in the drinking

by about half a saltspoonful. They took another quart apiece to drink each other's health in, and were

staunch friends ever afterwards. There's a destiny in these things, gentlemen; we can't help it.

'In personal appearance, my uncle was a trifle shorter than the middle size; he was a thought stouter too, than

the ordinary run of people, and perhaps his face might be a shade redder. He had the jolliest face you ever

saw, gentleman: something like Punch, with a handsome nose and chin; his eyes were always twinkling and

sparkling with goodhumour; and a smilenot one of your unmeaning wooden grins, but a real, merry,

hearty, good tempered smilewas perpetually on his countenance. He was pitched out of his gig once, and

knocked, head first, against a milestone. There he lay, stunned, and so cut about the face with some gravel

which had been heaped up alongside it, that, to use my uncle's own strong expression, if his mother could

have revisited the earth, she wouldn't have known him. Indeed, when I come to think of the matter,

gentlemen, I feel pretty sure she wouldn't. for she died when my uncle was two years and seven months old,

and I think it's very likely that, even without the gravel, his topboots would have puzzled the good lady not a

little; to say nothing of his jolly red face. However, there he lay, and I have heard my uncle say, many a time,

that the man said who picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if he had tumbled out for a treat, and

that after they had bled him, the first faint glimmerings of returning animation, were his jumping up in bed,

bursting out into a loud laugh, kissing the young woman who held the basin, and demanding a mutton chop

and a pickled walnut. He was very fond of pickled walnuts, gentlemen. He said he always found that, taken

'My uncle's great journey was in the fall of the leaf, at which time he collected debts, and took orders, in the

north; going from London to Edinburgh, from Edinburgh to Glasgow, from Glasgow back to Edinburgh, and

thence to London by the smack. You are to understand that his second visit to Edinburgh was for his own

pleasure. He used to go back for a week, just to look up his old friends; and what with breakfasting with this

one, lunching with that, dining with the third, and supping with another, a pretty tight week he used to make

of it. I don't know whether any of you, gentlemen, ever partook of a real substantial hospitable Scotch

breakfast, and then went out to a slight lunch of a bushel of oysters, a dozen or so of bottled ale, and a noggin

or two of whiskey to close up with. If you ever did, you will agree with me that it requires a pretty strong

'But bless your hearts and eyebrows, all this sort of thing was nothing to my uncle! He was so well seasoned,

that it was mere child's play. I have heard him say that he could see the Dundee people out, any day, and walk

home afterwards without staggering; and yet the Dundee people have as strong heads and as strong punch,

gentlemen, as you are likely to meet with, between the poles. I have heard of a Glasgow man and a Dundee

man drinking against each other for fifteen hours at a sitting. They were both suffocated, as nearly as could be

ascertained, at the same moment, but with this trifling exception, gentlemen, they were not a bit the worse for

'One night, within fourandtwenty hours of the time when he had settled to take shipping for London, my

uncle supped at the house of a very old friend of his, a Bailie Mac something and four syllables after it, who

lived in the old town of Edinburgh. There were the bailie's wife, and the bailie's three daughters, and the

bailie's grownup son, and three or four stout, bushy eye browed, canny, old Scotch fellows, that the bailie

had got together to do honour to my uncle, and help to make merry. It was a glorious supper. There was

kippered salmon, and Finnan haddocks, and a lamb's head, and a haggisa celebrated Scotch dish,

gentlemen, which my uncle used to say always looked to him, when it came to table, very much like a

Cupid's stomach and a great many other things besides, that I forget the names of, but very good things,

notwithstanding. The lassies were pretty and agreeable; the bailie's wife was one of the best creatures that

ever lived; and my uncle was in thoroughly good cue. The consequence of which was, that the young ladies

tittered and giggled, and the old lady laughed out loud, and the bailie and the other old fellows roared till they

were red in the face, the whole mortal time. I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskeytoddy each

man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the bailie's grownup son

became insensible while attempting the first verse of "Willie brewed a peck o' maut"; and he having been, for

half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was

almost time to think about going, especially as drinking had set in at seven o'clock, in order that he might get

home at a decent hour. But, thinking it might not be quite polite to go just then, my uncle voted himself into

the chair, mixed another glass, rose to propose his own health, addressed himself in a neat and complimentary

speech, and drank the toast with great enthusiasm. Still nobody woke; so my uncle took a little drop

moreneat this time, to prevent the toddy from disagreeing with himand, laying violent hands on his hat,

'it was a wild, gusty night when my uncle closed the bailie's door, and settling his hat firmly on his head to

prevent the wind from taking it, thrust his hands into his pockets, and looking upward, took a short survey of

the state of the weather. The clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed; at one time wholly

obscuring her; at another, suffering her to burst forth in full splendour and shed her light on all the objects

around; anon, driving over her again, with increased velocity, and shrouding everything in darkness. "Really,

this won't do," said my uncle, addressing himself to the weather, as if he felt himself personally offended.

"This is not at all the kind of thing for my voyage. It will not do at any price," said my uncle, very

impressively. Having repeated this, several times, he recovered his balance with some difficultyfor he was

'The bailie's house was in the Canongate, and my uncle was going to the other end of Leith Walk, rather

better than a mile's journey. On either side of him, there shot up against the dark sky, tall, gaunt, straggling

houses, with timestained fronts, and windows that seemed to have shared the lot of eyes in mortals, and to

have grown dim and sunken with age. Six, seven, eight Storey high, were the houses; storey piled upon

storey, as children build with cardsthrowing their dark shadows over the roughly paved road, and making

the dark night darker. A few oil lamps were scattered at long distances, but they only served to mark the dirty

entrance to some narrow close, or to show where a common stair communicated, by steep and intricate

windings, with the various flats above. Glancing at all these things with the air of a man who had seen them

too often before, to think them worthy of much notice now, my uncle walked up the middle of the street, with

a thumb in each waistcoat pocket, indulging from time to time in various snatches of song, chanted forth with

such goodwill and spirit, that the quiet honest folk started from their first sleep and lay trembling in bed till

the sound died away in the distance; when, satisfying themselves that it was only some drunken

ne'erdoweel finding his way home, they covered themselves up warm and fell asleep again.

'I am particular in describing how my uncle walked up the middle of the street, with his thumbs in his

waistcoat pockets, gentlemen, because, as he often used to say (and with great reason too) there is nothing at

all extraordinary in this story, unless you distinctly understand at the beginning, that he was not by any means

'Gentlemen, my uncle walked on with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, taking the middle of the street to

himself, and singing, now a verse of a love song, and then a verse of a drinking one, and when he was tired of

both, whistling melodiously, until he reached the North Bridge, which, at this point, connects the old and new

towns of Edinburgh. Here he stopped for a minute, to look at the strange, irregular clusters of lights piled one

above the other, and twinkling afar off so high, that they looked like stars, gleaming from the castle walls on

the one side and the Calton Hill on the other, as if they illuminated veritable castles in the air; while the old

picturesque town slept heavily on, in gloom and darkness below: its palace and chapel of Holyrood, guarded

day and night, as a friend of my uncle's used to say, by old Arthur's Seat, towering, surly and dark, like some

gruff genius, over the ancient city he has watched so long. I say, gentlemen, my uncle stopped here, for a

minute, to look about him; and then, paying a compliment to the weather, which had a little cleared up,

though the moon was sinking, walked on again, as royally as before; keeping the middle of the road with

great dignity, and looking as if he would very much like to meet with somebody who would dispute

possession of it with him. There was nobody at all disposed to contest the point, as it happened; and so, on he

'When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk, he had to cross a pretty large piece of waste ground which

separated him from a short street which he had to turn down to go direct to his lodging. Now, in this piece of

waste ground, there was, at that time, an enclosure belonging to some wheelwright who contracted with the

Post Office for the purchase of old, wornout mail coaches; and my uncle, being very fond of coaches, old,

young, or middleaged, all at once took it into his head to step out of his road for no other purpose than to

peep between the palings at these mailsabout a dozen of which he remembered to have seen, crowded

together in a very forlorn and dismantled state, inside. My uncle was a very enthusiastic, emphatic sort of

person, gentlemen; so, finding that he could not obtain a good peep between the palings he got over them,

and sitting himself quietly down on an old axletree, began to contemplate the mail coaches with a deal of

'There might be a dozen of them, or there might be more my uncle was never quite certain on this point,

and being a man of very scrupulous veracity about numbers, didn't like to say but there they stood, all

huddled together in the most desolate condition imaginable. The doors had been torn from their hinges and

removed; the linings had been stripped off, only a shred hanging here and there by a rusty nail; the lamps

were gone, the poles had long since vanished, the ironwork was rusty, the paint was worn away; the wind

whistled through the chinks in the bare woodwork; and the rain, which had collected on the roofs, fell, drop

by drop, into the insides with a hollow and melancholy sound. They were the decaying skeletons of departed

mails, and in that lonely place, at that time of night, they looked chill and dismal.

'My uncle rested his head upon his hands, and thought of the busy, bustling people who had rattled about,

years before, in the old coaches, and were now as silent and changed; he thought of the numbers of people to

whom one of these crazy, mouldering vehicles had borne, night after night, for many years, and through all

weathers, the anxiously expected intelligence, the eagerly lookedfor remittance, the promised assurance of

health and safety, the sudden announcement of sickness and death. The merchant, the lover, the wife, the

widow, the mother, the school boy, the very child who tottered to the door at the postman's knockhow

had they all looked forward to the arrival of the old coach. And where were they all now? 'Gentlemen, my

uncle used to SAY that he thought all this at the time, but I rather suspect he learned it out of some book

afterwards, for he distinctly stated that he fell into a kind of doze, as he sat on the old axletree looking at the

decayed mail coaches, and that he was suddenly awakened by some deep church bell striking two. Now, my

uncle was never a fast thinker, and if he had thought all these things, I am quite certain it would have taken

him till full halfpast two o'clock at the very least. I am, therefore, decidedly of opinion, gentlemen, that my

'Be this as it may, a church bell struck two. My uncle woke, rubbed his eyes, and jumped up in astonishment.

'In one instant, after the clock struck two, the whole of this deserted and quiet spot had become a scene of

most extraordinary life and animation. The mail coach doors were on their hinges, the lining was replaced,

the ironwork was as good as new, the paint was restored, the lamps were alight; cushions and greatcoats were

on every coachbox, porters were thrusting parcels into every boot, guards were stowing away letterbags,

hostlers were dashing pails of water against the renovated wheels; numbers of men were pushing about,

fixing poles into every coach; passengers arrived, portmanteaus were handed up, horses were put to; in short,

it was perfectly clear that every mail there, was to be off directly. Gentlemen, my uncle opened his eyes so

wide at all this, that, to the very last moment of his life, he used to wonder how it fell out that he had ever

'"Now then!" said a voice, as my uncle felt a hand on his shoulder, "you're booked for one inside. You'd

'My uncle, gentlemen, could say nothing, he was so very much astonished. The queerest thing of all was that

although there was such a crowd of persons, and although fresh faces were pouring in, every moment, there

was no telling where they came from. They seemed to start up, in some strange manner, from the ground, or

the air, and disappear in the same way. When a porter had put his luggage in the coach, and received his fare,

he turned round and was gone; and before my uncle had well begun to wonder what had become of him, half

a dozen fresh ones started up, and staggered along under the weight of parcels, which seemed big enough to

crush them. The passengers were all dressed so oddly too! Large, broadskirted laced coats, with great cuffs

and no collars; and wigs, gentlemengreat formal wigs with a tie behind. My uncle could make nothing of

'"Now, are you going to get in?" said the person who had addressed my uncle before. He was dressed as a

mail guard, with a wig on his head and most enormous cuffs to his coat, and had a lantern in one hand, and a

huge blunderbuss in the other, which he was going to stow away in his little armchest. "ARE you going to

'"Isn't there a 'Mister' before it?" said my uncle. For he felt, gentlemen, that for a guard he didn't know, to call

him Jack Martin, was a liberty which the Post Office wouldn't have sanctioned if they had known it.

'"This," said the guard, pointing to an oldfashioned Edinburgh and London mail, which had the steps down

and the door open. "Stop! Here are the other passengers. Let them get in first."

'As the guard spoke, there all at once appeared, right in front of my uncle, a young gentleman in a powdered

wig, and a sky blue coat trimmed with silver, made very full and broad in the skirts, which were lined with

buckram. Tiggin and Welps were in the printed calico and waistcoat piece line, gentlemen, so my uncle knew

all the materials at once. He wore knee breeches, and a kind of leggings rolled up over his silk stockings, and

shoes with buckles; he had ruffles at his wrists, a threecornered hat on his head, and a long taper sword by

his side. The flaps of his waist coat came halfway down his thighs, and the ends of his cravat reached to

his waist. He stalked gravely to the coach door, pulled off his hat, and held it above his head at arm's length,

cocking his little finger in the air at the same time, as some affected people do, when they take a cup of tea.

Then he drew his feet together, and made a low, grave bow, and then put out his left hand. My uncle was just

going to step forward, and shake it heartily, when he perceived that these attentions were directed, not

towards him, but to a young lady who just then appeared at the foot of the steps, attired in an oldfashioned

green velvet dress with a long waist and stomacher. She had no bonnet on her head, gentlemen, which was

muffled in a black silk hood, but she looked round for an instant as she prepared to get into the coach, and

such a beautiful face as she disclosed, my uncle had never seennot even in a picture. She got into the

coach, holding up her dress with one hand; and as my uncle always said with a round oath, when he told the

story, he wouldn't have believed it possible that legs and feet could have been brought to such a state of

'But, in this one glimpse of the beautiful face, my uncle saw that the young lady cast an imploring look upon

him, and that she appeared terrified and distressed. He noticed, too, that the young fellow in the powdered

wig, notwithstanding his show of gallantry, which was all very fine and grand, clasped her tight by the wrist

when she got in, and followed himself immediately afterwards. An uncommonly illlooking fellow, in a

close brown wig, and a plumcoloured suit, wearing a very large sword, and boots up to his hips, belonged to

the party; and when he sat himself down next to the young lady, who shrank into a corner at his approach, my

uncle was confirmed in his original impression that something dark and mysterious was going forward, or, as

he always said himself, that "there was a screw loose somewhere." It's quite surprising how quickly he made

'"Death and lightning!" exclaimed the young gentleman, laying his hand upon his sword as my uncle entered

'"Blood and thunder!" roared the other gentleman. With this, he whipped his sword out, and made a lunge at

my uncle without further ceremony. My uncle had no weapon about him, but with great dexterity he snatched

the illlooking gentleman's threecornered hat from his head, and, receiving the point of his sword right

'"Pink him behind!" cried the illlooking gentleman to his companion, as he struggled to regain his sword.

'"He had better not," cried my uncle, displaying the heel of one of his shoes, in a threatening manner. "I'll

kick his brains out, if he has any, or fracture his skull if he hasn't." Exerting all his strength, at this

moment, my uncle wrenched the illlooking man's sword from his grasp, and flung it clean out of the coach

window, upon which the younger gentleman vociferated, "Death and lightning!" again, and laid his hand

upon the hilt of his sword, in a very fierce manner, but didn't draw it. Perhaps, gentlemen, as my uncle used

'"Now, gentlemen," said my uncle, taking his seat deliberately, "I don't want to have any death, with or

without lightning, in a lady's presence, and we have had quite blood and thundering enough for one journey;

so, if you please, we'll sit in our places like quiet insides. Here, guard, pick up that gentleman's

'As quickly as my uncle said the words, the guard appeared at the coach window, with the gentleman's sword

in his hand. He held up his lantern, and looked earnestly in my uncle's face, as he handed it in, when, by its

light, my uncle saw, to his great surprise, that an immense crowd of mailcoach guards swarmed round the

window, every one of whom had his eyes earnestly fixed upon him too. He had never seen such a sea of

'"This is the strangest sort of thing I ever had anything to do with," thought my uncle; "allow me to return you

'The illlooking gentleman received his threecornered hat in silence, looked at the hole in the middle with

an inquiring air, and finally stuck it on the top of his wig with a solemnity the effect of which was a trifle

'"All right!" cried the guard with the lantern, mounting into his little seat behind. Away they went. My uncle

peeped out of the coach window as they emerged from the yard, and observed that the other mails, with

coachmen, guards, horses, and passengers, complete, were driving round and round in circles, at a slow trot

of about five miles an hour. My uncle burned with indignation, gentlemen. As a commercial man, he felt that

the mailbags were not to be trifled with, and he resolved to memorialise the Post Office on the subject, the

'At present, however, his thoughts were occupied with the young lady who sat in the farthest corner of the

coach, with her face muffled closely in her hood; the gentleman with the skyblue coat sitting opposite to

her; the other man in the plumcoloured suit, by her side; and both watching her intently. If she so much as

rustled the folds of her hood, he could hear the illlooking man clap his hand upon his sword, and could tell

by the other's breathing (it was so dark he couldn't see his face) that he was looking as big as if he were going

to devour her at a mouthful. This roused my uncle more and more, and he resolved, come what might, to see

the end of it. He had a great admiration for bright eyes, and sweet faces, and pretty legs and feet; in short, he

'Many were the devices which my uncle practised, to attract the lady's attention, or at all events, to engage the

mysterious gentlemen in conversation. They were all in vain; the gentlemen wouldn't talk, and the lady didn't

dare. He thrust his head out of the coach window at intervals, and bawled out to know why they didn't go

faster. But he called till he was hoarse; nobody paid the least attention to him. He leaned back in the coach,

and thought of the beautiful face, and the feet and legs. This answered better; it whiled away the time, and

kept him from wondering where he was going, and how it was that he found himself in such an odd situation.

Not that this would have worried him much, anyway he was a mighty free and easy, roving,

'All of a sudden the coach stopped. "Hollo!" said my uncle, "what's in the wind now?"

'The passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention, and, finding that my uncle was determined

not to alight, the younger man squeezed past him, to hand the lady out. At this moment, the illlooking man

was inspecting the hole in the crown of his threecornered hat. As the young lady brushed past, she dropped

one of her gloves into my uncle's hand, and softly whispered, with her lips so close to his face that he felt her

warm breath on his nose, the single word "Help!" Gentlemen, my uncle leaped out of the coach at once, with

'"Oh! you've thought better of it, have you?" said the guard, when he saw my uncle standing on the ground.

'My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds, in some doubt whether it wouldn't be better to wrench his

blunderbuss from him, fire it in the face of the man with the big sword, knock the rest of the company over

the head with the stock, snatch up the young lady, and go off in the smoke. On second thoughts, however, he

abandoned this plan, as being a shade too melodramatic in the execution, and followed the two mysterious

men, who, keeping the lady between them, were now entering an old house in front of which the coach had

'Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever beheld, this was the most so. It looked as if it had

once been a large house of entertainment; but the roof had fallen in, in many places, and the stairs were steep,

rugged, and broken. There was a huge fireplace in the room into which they walked, and the chimney was

blackened with smoke; but no warm blaze lighted it up now. The white feathery dust of burned wood was

still strewed over the hearth, but the stove was cold, and all was dark and gloomy.

'"Well," said my uncle, as he looked about him, "a mail travelling at the rate of six miles and a half an hour,

and stopping for an indefinite time at such a hole as this, is rather an irregular sort of proceeding, I fancy.

'My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice, and in an open, unreserved sort of manner, with the view of

engaging the two strangers in conversation if he could. But, neither of them took any more notice of him than

whispering to each other, and scowling at him as they did so. The lady was at the farther end of the room, and

'At length the two strangers advanced a little, and the conversation began in earnest.

'"You don't know this is a private room, I suppose, fellow?" said the gentleman in skyblue.

'"No, I do not, fellow," rejoined my uncle. "Only, if this is a private room specially ordered for the occasion, I

should think the public room must be a VERY comfortable one;" with this, my uncle sat himself down in a

highbacked chair, and took such an accurate measure of the gentleman, with his eyes, that Tiggin and Welps

could have supplied him with printed calico for a suit, and not an inch too much or too little, from that

'"Quit the room, or you are a dead man," said the illlooking fellow with the large sword, drawing it at the

'"Down with him!" cried the gentleman in skyblue, drawing his sword also, and falling back two or three

'Now, my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness, and great presence of mind. All the time that he

had appeared so indifferent to what was going on, he had been looking slily about for some missile or

weapon of defence, and at the very instant when the swords were drawn, he espied, standing in the chimney

corner, an old baskethilted rapier in a rusty scabbard. At one bound, my uncle caught it in his hand, drew it,

flourished it gallantly above his head, called aloud to the lady to keep out of the way, hurled the chair at the

man in skyblue, and the scabbard at the man in plumcolour, and taking advantage of the confusion, fell

'Gentlemen, there is an old storynone the worse for being trueregarding a fine young Irish gentleman,

who being asked if he could play the fiddle, replied he had no doubt he could, but he couldn't exactly say, for

certain, because he had never tried. This is not inapplicable to my uncle and his fencing. He had never had a

sword in his hand before, except once when he played Richard the Third at a private theatre, upon which

occasion it was arranged with Richmond that he was to be run through, from behind, without showing fight at

all. But here he was, cutting and slashing with two experienced swordsman, thrusting, and guarding, and

poking, and slicing, and acquitting himself in the most manful and dexterous manner possible, although up to

that time he had never been aware that he had the least notion of the science. It only shows how true the old

'The noise of the combat was terrific; each of the three combatants swearing like troopers, and their swords

clashing with as much noise as if all the knives and steels in Newport market were rattling together, at the

same time. When it was at its very height, the lady (to encourage my uncle most probably) withdrew her hood

entirely from her face, and disclosed a countenance of such dazzling beauty, that he would have fought

against fifty men, to win one smile from it and die. He had done wonders before, but now he began to powder

'At this very moment, the gentleman in skyblue turning round, and seeing the young lady with her face

uncovered, vented an exclamation of rage and jealousy, and, turning his weapon against her beautiful bosom,

pointed a thrust at her heart, which caused my uncle to utter a cry of apprehension that made the building

ring. The lady stepped lightly aside, and snatching the young man's sword from his hand, before he had

recovered his balance, drove him to the wall, and running it through him, and the panelling, up to the very

hilt, pinned him there, hard and fast. It was a splendid example. My uncle, with a loud shout of triumph, and

a strength that was irresistible, made his adversary retreat in the same direction, and plunging the old rapier

into the very centre of a large red flower in the pattern of his waistcoat, nailed him beside his friend; there

they both stood, gentlemen, jerking their arms and legs about in agony, like the toyshop figures that are

moved by a piece of packthread. My uncle always said, afterwards, that this was one of the surest means he

knew of, for disposing of an enemy; but it was liable to one objection on the ground of expense, inasmuch as

'"The mail, the mail!" cried the lady, running up to my uncle and throwing her beautiful arms round his neck;

'"May!" cried my uncle; "why, my dear, there's nobody else to kill, is there?" My uncle was rather

disappointed, gentlemen, for he thought a little quiet bit of lovemaking would be agreeable after the

'"We have not an instant to lose here," said the young lady. "He (pointing to the young gentleman in

skyblue) is the only son of the powerful Marquess of Filletoville." '"Well then, my dear, I'm afraid he'll

never come to the title," said my uncle, looking coolly at the young gentleman as he stood fixed up against

the wall, in the cockchafer fashion that I have described. "You have cut off the entail, my love."

'"I have been torn from my home and my friends by these villains," said the young lady, her features glowing

with indignation. "That wretch would have married me by violence in another hour."

'"Confound his impudence!" said my uncle, bestowing a very contemptuous look on the dying heir of

' "As you may guess from what you have seen," said the young lady, "the party were prepared to murder me

if I appealed to any one for assistance. If their accomplices find us here, we are lost. Two minutes hence may

be too late. The mail!" With these words, overpowered by her feelings, and the exertion of sticking the young

Marquess of Filletoville, she sank into my uncle's arms. My uncle caught her up, and bore her to the house

door. There stood the mail, with four longtailed, flowingmaned, black horses, ready harnessed; but no

'Gentlemen, I hope I do no injustice to my uncle's memory, when I express my opinion, that although he was

a bachelor, he had held some ladies in his arms before this time; I believe, indeed, that he had rather a habit of

kissing barmaids; and I know, that in one or two instances, he had been seen by credible witnesses, to hug a

landlady in a very perceptible manner. I mention the circumstance, to show what a very uncommon sort of

person this beautiful young lady must have been, to have affected my uncle in the way she did; he used to

say, that as her long dark hair trailed over his arm, and her beautiful dark eyes fixed themselves upon his face

when she recovered, he felt so strange and nervous that his legs trembled beneath him. But who can look in a

sweet, soft pair of dark eyes, without feeling queer? I can't, gentlemen. I am afraid to look at some eyes I

'"My dear preserver!" exclaimed the young lady. "My dear, kind, brave preserver!"

'"Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak," rejoined my uncle, "that I'm afraid I shall be rude

'The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not to do so, and said No, she didn't say

anythingshe smiled. When you are looking at a pair of the most delicious lips in the world, and see them

gently break into a roguish smileif you are very near them, and nobody else byyou cannot better testify

your admiration of their beautiful form and colour than by kissing them at once. My uncle did so, and I

'"So it is," said my uncle, listening. He had a good ear for wheels, and the trampling of hoofs; but there

appeared to be so many horses and carriages rattling towards them, from a distance, that it was impossible to

form a guess at their number. The sound was like that of fifty brakes, with six blood cattle in each.

'"We are pursued!" cried the young lady, clasping her hands. "We are pursued. I have no hope but in you!"

'There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face, that my uncle made up his mind at once. He

lifted her into the coach, told her not to be frightened, pressed his lips to hers once more, and then advising

'"I want to speak to you," said the young lady; "only a word. Only one word, dearest."

'"Must I get down?" inquired my uncle. The lady made no answer, but she smiled again. Such a smile,

gentlemen! It beat the other one, all to nothing. My uncle descended from his perch in a twinkling.

'"What is it, my dear?" said my uncle, looking in at the coach window. The lady happened to bend forward at

the same time, and my uncle thought she looked more beautiful than she had done yet. He was very close to

'"Will you never love any one but menever marry any one beside?" said the young lady.

'My uncle swore a great oath that he never would marry anybody else, and the young lady drew in her head,

and pulled up the window. He jumped upon the box, squared his elbows, adjusted the ribands, seized the

whip which lay on the roof, gave one flick to the off leader, and away went the four longtailed,

flowingmaned black horses, at fifteen good English miles an hour, with the old mailcoach behind them.

'The noise behind grew louder. The faster the old mail went, the faster came the pursuersmen, horses,

dogs, were leagued in the pursuit. The noise was frightful, but, above all, rose the voice of the young lady,

'They whirled past the dark trees, as feathers would be swept before a hurricane. Houses, gates, churches,

haystacks, objects of every kind they shot by, with a velocity and noise like roaring waters suddenly let loose.

But still the noise of pursuit grew louder, and still my uncle could hear the young lady wildly screaming,

'My uncle plied whip and rein, and the horses flew onward till they were white with foam; and yet the noise

behind increased; and yet the young lady cried, "Faster! Faster!" My uncle gave a loud stamp on the boot in

the energy of the moment, and found that it was gray morning, and he was sitting in the wheelwright's

yard, on the box of an old Edinburgh mail, shivering with the cold and wet and stamping his feet to warm

them! He got down, and looked eagerly inside for the beautiful young lady. Alas! There was neither door nor

'Of course, my uncle knew very well that there was some mystery in the matter, and that everything had

passed exactly as he used to relate it. He remained staunch to the great oath he had sworn to the beautiful

young lady, refusing several eligible landladies on her account, and dying a bachelor at last. He always said

what a curious thing it was that he should have found out, by such a mere accident as his clambering over the

palings, that the ghosts of mailcoaches and horses, guards, coachmen, and passengers, were in the habit of

making journeys regularly every night. He used to add, that he believed he was the only living person who

had ever been taken as a passenger on one of these excursions. And I think he was right, gentlemen at least

'I wonder what these ghosts of mailcoaches carry in their bags,' said the landlord, who had listened to the

The horses were put to, punctually at a quarter before nine next morning, and Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller

having each taken his seat, the one inside and the other out, the postillion was duly directed to repair in the

first instance to Mr. Bob Sawyer's house, for the purpose of taking up Mr. Benjamin Allen.

It was with feelings of no small astonishment, when the carriage drew up before the door with the red lamp,

and the very legible inscription of 'Sawyer, late Nockemorf,' that Mr. Pickwick saw, on popping his head out

of the coach window, the boy in the gray livery very busily employed in putting up the shutters the which,

being an unusual and an unbusinesslike proceeding at that hour of the morning, at once suggested to his mind

two inferences: the one, that some good friend and patient of Mr. Bob Sawyer's was dead; the other, that Mr.

'Nothing's the matter, Sir,' replied the boy, expanding his mouth to the whole breadth of his countenance.

'All right, all right!' cried Bob Sawyer, suddenly appearing at the door, with a small leathern knapsack, limp

and dirty, in one hand, and a rough coat and shawl thrown over the other arm. 'I'm going, old fellow.'

'Yes,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'and a regular expedition we'll make of it. Here, Sam! Look out!' Thus briefly

bespeaking Mr. Weller's attention, Mr. Bob Sawyer jerked the leathern knapsack into the dickey, where it

was immediately stowed away, under the seat, by Sam, who regarded the proceeding with great admiration.

This done, Mr. Bob Sawyer, with the assistance of the boy, forcibly worked himself into the rough coat,

which was a few sizes too small for him, and then advancing to the coach window, thrust in his head, and

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 468

laughed boisterously. 'What a start it is, isn't it?' cried Bob, wiping the tears out of his eyes, with one of the

'My dear Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with some embarrassment, 'I had no idea of your accompanying us.'

'No, that's just the very thing,' replied Bob, seizing Mr. Pickwick by the lappel of his coat. 'That's the joke.'

'Of course,' replied Bob. 'It's the whole point of the thing, you knowthat, and leaving the business to take

care of itself, as it seems to have made up its mind not to take care of me.' With this explanation of the

phenomenon of the shutters, Mr. Bob Sawyer pointed to the shop, and relapsed into an ecstasy of mirth.

'Bless me, you are surely not mad enough to think of leaving your patients without anybody to attend them!'

'Why not?' asked Bob, in reply. 'I shall save by it, you know. None of them ever pay. Besides,' said Bob,

lowering his voice to a confidential whisper, 'they will be all the better for it; for, being nearly out of drugs,

and not able to increase my account just now, I should have been obliged to give them calomel all round, and

it would have been certain to have disagreed with some of them. So it's all for the best.'

There was a philosophy and a strength of reasoning about this reply, which Mr. Pickwick was not prepared

'But this chaise, my young friend, will only hold two; and I am pledged to Mr. Allen.'

'Don't think of me for a minute,' replied Bob. 'I've arranged it all; Sam and I will share the dickey between us.

Look here. This little bill is to be wafered on the shop door: "Sawyer, late Nockemorf. Inquire of Mrs. Cripps

over the way." Mrs. Cripps is my boy's mother. "Mr. Sawyer's very sorry," says Mrs. Cripps, "couldn't help

itfetched away early this morning to a consultation of the very first surgeons in the countrycouldn't do

without himwould have him at any pricetremendous operation." The fact is,' said Bob, in conclusion,

'it'll do me more good than otherwise, I expect. If it gets into one of the local papers, it will be the making of

With these hurried words, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed the postboy on one side, jerked his friend into the vehicle,

slammed the door, put up the steps, wafered the bill on the street door, locked it, put the key in his pocket,

jumped into the dickey, gave the word for starting, and did the whole with such extraordinary precipitation,

that before Mr. Pickwick had well begun to consider whether Mr. Bob Sawyer ought to go or not, they were

rolling away, with Mr. Bob Sawyer thoroughly established as part and parcel of the equipage.

So long as their progress was confined to the streets of Bristol, the facetious Bob kept his professional green

spectacles on, and conducted himself with becoming steadiness and gravity of demeanour; merely giving

utterance to divers verbal witticisms for the exclusive behoof and entertainment of Mr. Samuel Weller. But

when they emerged on the open road, he threw off his green spectacles and his gravity together, and

performed a great variety of practical jokes, which were calculated to attract the attention of the passersby,

and to render the carriage and those it contained objects of more than ordinary curiosity; the least

conspicuous among these feats being a most vociferous imitation of a keybugle, and the ostentatious display

of a crimson silk pockethandkerchief attached to a walkingstick, which was occasionally waved in the air

'I wonder,' said Mr. Pickwick, stopping in the midst of a most sedate conversation with Ben Allen, bearing

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 469

reference to the numerous good qualities of Mr. Winkle and his sister'I wonder what all the people we

'It's a neat turnout,' replied Ben Allen, with something of pride in his tone. 'They're not used to see this sort

Mr. Pickwick might very probably have reasoned himself into the belief that it really was, had he not, just

then happening to look out of the coach window, observed that the looks of the passengers betokened

anything but respectful astonishment, and that various telegraphic communications appeared to be passing

between them and some persons outside the vehicle, whereupon it occurred to him that these demonstrations

might be, in some remote degree, referable to the humorous deportment of Mr. Robert Sawyer.

'I hope,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that our volatile friend is committing no absurdities in that dickey behind.'

'Oh dear, no,' replied Ben Allen. 'Except when he's elevated, Bob's the quietest creature breathing.'

Here a prolonged imitation of a keybugle broke upon the ear, succeeded by cheers and screams, all of which

evidently proceeded from the throat and lungs of the quietest creature breathing, or in plainer designation, of

Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen looked expressively at each other, and the former gentleman taking off his

hat, and leaning out of the coach window until nearly the whole of his waistcoat was outside it, was at length

Mr. Bob Sawyer was seated, not in the dickey, but on the roof of the chaise, with his legs as far asunder as

they would conveniently go, wearing Mr. Samuel Weller's hat on one side of his head, and bearing, in one

hand, a most enormous sandwich, while, in the other, he supported a goodlysized casebottle, to both of

which he applied himself with intense relish, varying the monotony of the occupation by an occasional howl,

or the interchange of some lively badinage with any passing stranger. The crimson flag was carefully tied in

an erect position to the rail of the dickey; and Mr. Samuel Weller, decorated with Bob Sawyer's hat, was

seated in the centre thereof, discussing a twin sandwich, with an animated countenance, the expression of

This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr. Pickwick's sense of propriety, but it was not the whole

extent of the aggravation, for a stagecoach full, inside and out, was meeting them at the moment, and the

astonishment of the passengers was very palpably evinced. The congratulations of an Irish family, too, who

were keeping up with the chaise, and begging all the time, were of rather a boisterous description, especially

those of its male head, who appeared to consider the display as part and parcel of some political or other

'Mr. Sawyer!' cried Mr. Pickwick, in a state of great excitement, 'Mr. Sawyer, Sir!'

'Hollo!' responded that gentleman, looking over the side of the chaise with all the coolness in life.

'Cheerful, sir!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. 'Take down that scandalous red handkerchief, I beg. I insist, Sir.

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 470

Before Sam could interpose, Mr. Bob Sawyer gracefully struck his colours, and having put them in his

pocket, nodded in a courteous manner to Mr. Pickwick, wiped the mouth of the case bottle, and applied it to

his own, thereby informing him, without any unnecessary waste of words, that he devoted that draught to

wishing him all manner of happiness and prosperity. Having done this, Bob replaced the cork with great care,

and looking benignantly down on Mr. Pickwick, took a large bite out of the sandwich, and smiled.

'Come,' said Mr. Pickwick, whose momentary anger was not quite proof against Bob's immovable

'No, no,' replied Bob, once more exchanging hats with Mr. Weller; 'I didn't mean to do it, only I got so

'Think of the look of the thing,' expostulated Mr. Pickwick; 'have some regard to appearances.'

'Oh, certainly,' said Bob, 'it's not the sort of thing at all. All over, governor.'

Satisfied with this assurance, Mr. Pickwick once more drew his head into the chaise and pulled up the glass;

but he had scarcely resumed the conversation which Mr. Bob Sawyer had interrupted, when he was

somewhat startled by the apparition of a small dark body, of an oblong form, on the outside of the window,

'It looks like a casebottle;' remarked Ben Allen, eyeing the object in question through his spectacles with

The impression was perfectly accurate; for Mr. Bob Sawyer, having attached the casebottle to the end of the

walkingstick, was battering the window with it, in token of his wish, that his friends inside would partake of

'What's to be done?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at the bottle. 'This proceeding is more absurd than the other.'

'I think it would be best to take it in,' replied Mr. Ben Allen; 'it would serve him right to take it in and keep it,

This advice quite coinciding with his own opinion, Mr. Pickwick gently let down the window and disengaged

the bottle from the stick; upon which the latter was drawn up, and Mr. Bob Sawyer was heard to laugh

'What a merry dog it is!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round at his companion, with the bottle in his hand.

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 471

During this short interchange of sentiments, Mr. Pickwick had, in an abstracted mood, uncorked the bottle.

'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with equal carelessness. 'It smells, I think, like milkpunch.' 'Oh,

'I THINK so,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, very properly guarding himself against the possibility of stating an

'Do you think so?' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Well; if you are curious to know, of course I have no objection.'

Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the wishes of his friend, Mr. Pickwick at once took a pretty long

'Curious,' said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips, 'I hardly know, now. Oh, yes!' said Mr. Pickwick, after a

Mr. Ben Allen looked at Mr. Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick looked at Mr. Ben Allen; Mr. Ben Allen smiled; Mr.

'It would serve him right,' said the lastnamed gentleman, with some severity'it would serve him right to

'Is it, indeed?' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Then here's his health!' With these words, that excellent person took a

most energetic pull at the bottle, and handed it to Ben Allen, who was not slow to imitate his example. The

smiles became mutual, and the milkpunch was gradually and cheerfully disposed of.

'After all,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he drained the last drop, 'his pranks are really very amusing; very

'You may say that,' rejoined Mr. Ben Allen. In proof of Bob Sawyer's being one of the funniest fellows alive,

he proceeded to entertain Mr. Pickwick with a long and circumstantial account how that gentleman once

drank himself into a fever and got his head shaved; the relation of which pleasant and agreeable history was

only stopped by the stoppage of the chaise at the Bell at Berkeley Heath, to change horses.

'I say! We're going to dine here, aren't we?' said Bob, looking in at the window.

'Dine!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why, we have only come nineteen miles, and have eightyseven and a half to go.'

'Just the reason why we should take something to enable us to bear up against the fatigue,' remonstrated Mr.

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 472

'Oh, it's quite impossible to dine at halfpast eleven o'clock in the day,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking at his

'So it is,' rejoined Bob, 'lunch is the very thing. Hollo, you sir! Lunch for three, directly; and keep the horses

back for a quarter of an hour. Tell them to put everything they have cold, on the table, and some bottled ale,

and let us taste your very best Madeira.' Issuing these orders with monstrous importance and bustle, Mr. Bob

Sawyer at once hurried into the house to superintend the arrangements; in less than five minutes he returned

The quality of the lunch fully justified the eulogium which Bob had pronounced, and very great justice was

done to it, not only by that gentleman, but Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Pickwick also. Under the auspices of the

three, the bottled ale and the Madeira were promptly disposed of; and when (the horses being once more put

to) they resumed their seats, with the casebottle full of the best substitute for milkpunch that could be

procured on so short a notice, the keybugle sounded, and the red flag waved, without the slightest

At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury, they stopped to dine; upon which occasion there was more bottled ale, with

some more Madeira, and some port besides; and here the casebottle was replenished for the fourth time.

Under the influence of these combined stimulants, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen fell fast asleep for thirty

It was quite dark when Mr. Pickwick roused himself sufficiently to look out of the window. The straggling

cottages by the road side, the dingy hue of every object visible, the murky atmosphere, the paths of cinders

and brickdust, the deepred glow of furnace fires in the distance, the volumes of dense smoke issuing

heavily forth from high toppling chimneys, blackening and obscuring everything around; the glare of distant

lights, the ponderous wagons which toiled along the road, laden with clashing rods of iron, or piled with

heavy goodsall betokened their rapid approach to the great working town of Birmingham.

As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares leading to the heart of the turmoil, the sights and sounds of

earnest occupation struck more forcibly on the senses. The streets were thronged with working people. The

hum of labour resounded from every house; lights gleamed from the long casement windows in the attic

storeys, and the whirl of wheels and noise of machinery shook the trembling walls. The fires, whose lurid,

sullen light had been visible for miles, blazed fiercely up, in the great works and factories of the town. The

din of hammers, the rushing of steam, and the dead heavy clanking of engines, was the harsh music which

arose from every quarter. The postboy was driving briskly through the open streets, and past the handsome

and welllighted shops that intervene between the outskirts of the town and the Old Royal Hotel, before Mr.

Pickwick had begun to consider the very difficult and delicate nature of the commission which had carried

The delicate nature of this commission, and the difficulty of executing it in a satisfactory manner, were by no

means lessened by the voluntary companionship of Mr. Bob Sawyer. Truth to tell, Mr. Pickwick felt that his

presence on the occasion, however considerate and gratifying, was by no means an honour he would

willingly have sought; in fact, he would cheerfully have given a reasonable sum of money to have had Mr.

Bob Sawyer removed to any place at not less than fifty miles' distance, without delay.

Mr. Pickwick had never held any personal communication with Mr. Winkle, senior, although he had once or

twice corresponded with him by letter, and returned satisfactory answers to his inquiries concerning the moral

character and behaviour of his son; he felt nervously sensible that to wait upon him, for the first time,

attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen, both slightly fuddled, was not the most ingenious and likely means

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 473

'However,' said Mr. Pickwick, endeavouring to reassure himself, 'I must do the best I can. I must see him

tonight, for I faithfully promised to do so. If they persist in accompanying me, I must make the interview as

brief as possible, and be content that, for their own sakes, they will not expose themselves.'

As he comforted himself with these reflections, the chaise stopped at the door of the Old Royal. Ben Allen

having been partially awakened from a stupendous sleep, and dragged out by the collar by Mr. Samuel

Weller, Mr. Pickwick was enabled to alight. They were shown to a comfortable apartment, and Mr. Pickwick

at once propounded a question to the waiter concerning the whereabout of Mr. Winkle's residence.

'Close by, Sir,' said the waiter, 'not above five hundred yards, Sir. Mr. Winkle is a wharfinger, Sir, at the

canal, sir. Private residence is notoh dear, no, sir, not five hundred yards, sir.' Here the waiter blew a

candle out, and made a feint of lighting it again, in order to afford Mr. Pickwick an opportunity of asking any

further questions, if he felt so disposed. 'Take anything now, Sir?' said the waiter, lighting the candle in

'Very good, Sir.' Here, he walked slowly to the door, and then stopping short, turned round and said, with

'Sodawater, Sir! Yes, Sir.' With his mind apparently relieved from an overwhelming weight, by having at

last got an order for something, the waiter imperceptibly melted away. Waiters never walk or run. They have

a peculiar and mysterious power of skimming out of rooms, which other mortals possess not.

Some slight symptoms of vitality having been awakened in Mr. Ben Allen by the sodawater, he suffered

himself to be prevailed upon to wash his face and hands, and to submit to be brushed by Sam. Mr. Pickwick

and Bob Sawyer having also repaired the disorder which the journey had made in their apparel, the three

started forth, arm in arm, to Mr. Winkle's; Bob Sawyer impregnating the atmosphere with tobacco smoke as

About a quarter of a mile off, in a quiet, substantiallooking street, stood an old red brick house with three

steps before the door, and a brass plate upon it, bearing, in fat Roman capitals, the words, 'Mr. Winkle.'The

steps were very white, and the bricks were very red, and the house was very clean; and here stood Mr.

A smart servantgirl answered the knock, and started on beholding the three strangers.

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 474

'Give him that card if you please,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Say I am sorry to trouble him at so late an hour; but

I am anxious to see him tonight, and have only just arrived.' The girl looked timidly at Mr. Bob Sawyer,

who was expressing his admiration of her personal charms by a variety of wonderful grimaces; and casting an

eye at the hats and greatcoats which hung in the passage, called another girl to mind the door while she went

upstairs. The sentinel was speedily relieved; for the girl returned immediately, and begging pardon of the

gentlemen for leaving them in the street, ushered them into a floorclothed back parlour, half office and half

dressing room, in which the principal useful and ornamental articles of furniture were a desk, a wash hand

stand and shavingglass, a bootrack and bootjack, a high stool, four chairs, a table, and an old eightday

clock. Over the mantelpiece were the sunken doors of an iron safe, while a couple of hanging shelves for

'Very sorry to leave you standing at the door, Sir,' said the girl, lighting a lamp, and addressing Mr. Pickwick

with a winning smile, 'but you was quite strangers to me; and we have such a many trampers that only come

'There is not the least occasion for any apology, my dear,' said Mr. Pickwick goodhumouredly.

'Not the slightest, my love,' said Bob Sawyer, playfully stretching forth his arms, and skipping from side to

The young lady was not at all softened by these allurements, for she at once expressed her opinion, that Mr.

Bob Sawyer was an 'odous creetur;' and, on his becoming rather more pressing in his attentions, imprinted her

fair fingers upon his face, and bounced out of the room with many expressions of aversion and contempt.

Deprived of the young lady's society, Mr. Bob Sawyer proceeded to divert himself by peeping into the desk,

looking into all the table drawers, feigning to pick the lock of the iron safe, turning the almanac with its face

to the wall, trying on the boots of Mr. Winkle, senior, over his own, and making several other humorous

experiments upon the furniture, all of which afforded Mr. Pickwick unspeakable horror and agony, and

At length the door opened, and a little old gentleman in a snuffcoloured suit, with a head and face the

precise counterpart of those belonging to Mr. Winkle, junior, excepting that he was rather bald, trotted into

the room with Mr. Pickwick's card in one hand, and a silver candlestick in the other.

'Mr. Pickwick, sir, how do you do?' said Winkle the elder, putting down the candlestick and proffering his

hand. 'Hope I see you well, sir. Glad to see you. Be seated, Mr. Pickwick, I beg, Sir. This gentleman is'

'Oh,' said Mr. Winkle the elder, looking rather grimly at Bob. 'I hope you are well, sir.'

'This other gentleman,' cried Mr. Pickwick, 'is, as you will see when you have read the letter with which I am

intrusted, a very near relative, or I should rather say a very particular friend of your son's. His name is Allen.'

'THAT gentleman?' inquired Mr. Winkle, pointing with the card towards Ben Allen, who had fallen asleep in

an attitude which left nothing of him visible but his spine and his coat collar.

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Mr. Pickwick was on the point of replying to the question, and reciting Mr. Benjamin Allen's name and

honourable distinctions at full length, when the sprightly Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a view of rousing his friend

to a sense of his situation, inflicted a startling pinch upon the fleshly part of his arm, which caused him to

jump up with a shriek. Suddenly aware that he was in the presence of a stranger, Mr. Ben Allen advanced

and, shaking Mr. Winkle most affectionately by both hands for about five minutes, murmured, in some

halfintelligible fragments of sentences, the great delight he felt in seeing him, and a hospitable inquiry

whether he felt disposed to take anything after his walk, or would prefer waiting 'till dinnertime;' which

done, he sat down and gazed about him with a petrified stare, as if he had not the remotest idea where he was,

All this was most embarrassing to Mr. Pickwick, the more especially as Mr. Winkle, senior, evinced palpable

astonishment at the eccentricnot to say extraordinarybehaviour of his two companions. To bring the

matter to an issue at once, he drew a letter from his pocket, and presenting it to Mr. Winkle, senior, said

'This letter, Sir, is from your son. You will see, by its contents, that on your favourable and fatherly

consideration of it, depend his future happiness and welfare. Will you oblige me by giving it the calmest and

coolest perusal, and by discussing the subject afterwards with me, in the tone and spirit in which alone it

ought to be discussed? You may judge of the importance of your decision to your son, and his intense anxiety

upon the subject, by my waiting upon you, without any previous warning, at so late an hour; and,' added Mr.

Pickwick, glancing slightly at his two companions'and under such unfavourable circumstances.'

With this prelude, Mr. Pickwick placed four closelywritten sides of extra superfine wirewove penitence in

the hands of the astounded Mr. Winkle, senior. Then reseating himself in his chair, he watched his looks and

manner: anxiously, it is true, but with the open front of a gentleman who feels he has taken no part which he

need excuse or palliate. The old wharfinger turned the letter over, looked at the front, back, and sides, made a

microscopic examination of the fat little boy on the seal, raised his eyes to Mr. Pickwick's face, and then,

seating himself on the high stool, and drawing the lamp closer to him, broke the wax, unfolded the epistle,

and lifting it to the light, prepared to read. Just at this moment, Mr. Bob Sawyer, whose wit had lain dormant

for some minutes, placed his hands on his knees, and made a face after the portraits of the late Mr. Grimaldi,

as clown. It so happened that Mr. Winkle, senior, instead of being deeply engaged in reading the letter, as Mr.

Bob Sawyer thought, chanced to be looking over the top of it at no less a person than Mr. Bob Sawyer

himself; rightly conjecturing that the face aforesaid was made in ridicule and derision of his own person, he

fixed his eyes on Bob with such expressive sternness, that the late Mr. Grimaldi's lineaments gradually

'No, sir,' replied Bob, With no remains of the clown about him, save and except the extreme redness of his

'I thought you did, Sir,' replied the old gentleman, with indignant emphasis. 'Perhaps you LOOKED at me,

'I am very glad to hear it, sir,' said Mr. Winkle, senior. Having frowned upon the abashed Bob with great

magnificence, the old gentleman again brought the letter to the light, and began to read it seriously.

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 476

Mr. Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from the bottom line of the first page to the top line of the

second, and from the bottom of the second to the top of the third, and from the bottom of the third to the top

of the fourth; but not the slightest alteration of countenance afforded a clue to the feelings with which he

received the announcement of his son's marriage, which Mr. Pickwick knew was in the very first halfdozen

He read the letter to the last word, folded it again with all the carefulness and precision of a man of business,

and, just when Mr. Pickwick expected some great outbreak of feeling, dipped a pen in the inkstand, and

said, as quietly as if he were speaking on the most ordinary countinghouse topic

The old gentleman methodically indorsed the address on the back of the letter; and then, placing it in the

desk, which he locked, said, as he got off the stool and put the bunch of keys in his pocket

'Nothing else, my dear Sir!' observed that warmhearted person in indignant amazement. 'Nothing else! Have

you no opinion to express on this momentous event in our young friend's life? No assurance to convey to

him, through me, of the continuance of your affection and protection? Nothing to say which will cheer and

sustain him, and the anxious girl who looks to him for comfort and support? My dear Sir, consider.'

'I will consider,' replied the old gentleman. 'I have nothing to say just now. I am a man of business, Mr.

Pickwick. I never commit myself hastily in any affair, and from what I see of this, I by no means like the

'You're very right, Sir,' interposed Ben Allen, just awake enough to know that he had spent his thousand

pounds without the smallest difficulty. 'You're an intelligent man. Bob, he's a very knowing fellow this.'

'I am very happy to find that you do me the justice to make the admission, sir,' said Mr. Winkle, senior,

looking contemptuously at Ben Allen, who was shaking his head profoundly. 'The fact is, Mr. Pickwick, that

when I gave my son a roving license for a year or so, to see something of men and manners (which he has

done under your auspices), so that he might not enter life a mere boardingschool milksop to be gulled by

everybody, I never bargained for this. He knows that very well, so if I withdraw my countenance from him on

this account, he has no call to be surprised. He shall hear from me, Mr. Pickwick. Goodnight, sir.

All this time, Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr. Ben Allen to say something on the right side; Ben

accordingly now burst, without the slightest preliminary notice, into a brief but impassioned piece of

CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY 477

'Sir,' said Mr. Ben Allen, staring at the old gentleman, out of a pair of very dim and languid eyes, and

working his right arm vehemently up and down, 'youyou ought to be ashamed of yourself.'

'As the lady's brother, of course you are an excellent judge of the question,' retorted Mr. Winkle, senior.

With these words the old gentleman took up the candlestick and opening the room door, politely motioned

'You will regret this, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, setting his teeth close together to keep down his choler; for he

'I am at present of a different opinion,' calmly replied Mr. Winkle, senior. 'Once again, gentlemen, I wish you

Mr. Pickwick walked with angry strides into the street. Mr. Bob Sawyer, completely quelled by the decision

of the old gentleman's manner, took the same course. Mr. Ben Allen's hat rolled down the steps immediately

afterwards, and Mr. Ben Allen's body followed it directly. The whole party went silent and supperless to bed;

and Mr. Pickwick thought, just before he fell asleep, that if he had known Mr. Winkle, senior, had been quite

so much of a man of business, it was extremely probable he might never have waited upon him, on such an

The morning which broke upon Mr. Pickwick's sight at eight o'clock, was not at all calculated to elevate his

spirits, or to lessen the depression which the unlookedfor result of his embassy inspired. The sky was dark

and gloomy, the air was damp and raw, the streets were wet and sloppy. The smoke hung sluggishly above

the chimneytops as if it lacked the courage to rise, and the rain came slowly and doggedly down, as if it had

not even the spirit to pour. A gamecock in the stableyard, deprived of every spark of his accustomed

animation, balanced himself dismally on one leg in a corner; a donkey, moping with drooping head under the

narrow roof of an outhouse, appeared from his meditative and miserable countenance to be contemplating

suicide. In the street, umbrellas were the only things to be seen, and the clicking of pattens and splashing of

The breakfast was interrupted by very little conversation; even Mr. Bob Sawyer felt the influence of the

weather, and the previous day's excitement. In his own expressive language he was 'floored.' So was Mr. Ben

In protracted expectation of the weather clearing up, the last evening paper from London was read and

reread with an intensity of interest only known in cases of extreme destitution; every inch of the carpet was

walked over with similar perseverance; the windows were looked out of, often enough to justify the

imposition of an additional duty upon them; all kinds of topics of conversation were started, and failed; and at

length Mr. Pickwick, when noon had arrived, without a change for the better, rang the bell resolutely, and

Although the roads were miry, and the drizzling rain came down harder than it had done yet, and although the

mud and wet splashed in at the open windows of the carriage to such an extent that the discomfort was almost

as great to the pair of insides as to the pair of outsides, still there was something in the motion, and the sense

of being up and doing, which was so infinitely superior to being pent in a dull room, looking at the dull rain

dripping into a dull street, that they all agreed, on starting, that the change was a great improvement, and

wondered how they could possibly have delayed making it as long as they had done.

When they stopped to change at Coventry, the steam ascended from the horses in such clouds as wholly to

obscure the hostler, whose voice was however heard to declare from the mist, that he expected the first gold

medal from the Humane Society on their next distribution of rewards, for taking the postboy's hat off; the

water descending from the brim of which, the invisible gentleman declared, must have drowned him (the

postboy), but for his great presence of mind in tearing it promptly from his head, and drying the gasping

'This is pleasant,' said Bob Sawyer, turning up his coat collar, and pulling the shawl over his mouth to

'Yes, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Wotever is, is right, as the young nobleman sweetly remarked wen they put

him down in the pension list 'cos his mother's uncle's vife's grandfather vunce lit the king's pipe vith a

portable tinderbox.' 'Not a bad notion that, Sam,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer approvingly.

, Just wot the young nobleman said ev'ry quarterday arterwards for the rest of his life,' replied Mr. Weller.

'Wos you ever called in,' inquired Sam, glancing at the driver, after a short silence, and lowering his voice to

a mysterious whisper'wos you ever called in, when you wos 'prentice to a sawbones, to wisit a postboy.'

'You never see a postboy in that 'ere hospital as you WALKED (as they says o' the ghosts), did you?'

'Never know'd a churchyard were there wos a postboy's tombstone, or see a dead postboy, did you?' inquired

'No!' rejoined Sam triumphantly. 'Nor never vill; and there's another thing that no man never see, and that's a

dead donkey. No man never see a dead donkey 'cept the gen'l'm'n in the black silk smalls as know'd the

young 'ooman as kep' a goat; and that wos a French donkey, so wery likely he warn't wun o' the reg'lar breed.'

'This here,' replied Sam. 'Without goin' so far as to assert, as some wery sensible people do, that postboys

and donkeys is both immortal, wot I say is this: that wenever they feels theirselves gettin' stiff and past their

work, they just rides off together, wun postboy to a pair in the usual way; wot becomes on 'em nobody

knows, but it's wery probable as they starts avay to take their pleasure in some other vorld, for there ain't a

man alive as ever see either a donkey or a postboy atakin' his pleasure in this!'

Expatiating upon this learned and remarkable theory, and citing many curious statistical and other facts in its

support, Sam Weller beguiled the time until they reached Dunchurch, where a dry postboy and fresh horses

were procured; the next stage was Daventry, and the next Towcester; and at the end of each stage it rained

'I say,' remonstrated Bob Sawyer, looking in at the coach window, as they pulled up before the door of the

'Bless me!' said Mr. Pickwick, just awakening from a nap, 'I'm afraid you're wet.'

'Oh, you are, are you?' returned Bob. 'Yes, I am, a little that way, Uncomfortably damp, perhaps.'

Bob did look dampish, inasmuch as the rain was streaming from his neck, elbows, cuffs, skirts, and knees;

and his whole apparel shone so with the wet, that it might have been mistaken for a full suit of prepared

'I AM rather wet,' said Bob, giving himself a shake and casting a little hydraulic shower around, like a

'Out of the question, sir,' remarked Sam Weller, coming to assist in the conference; 'it's a cruelty to animals,

sir, to ask 'em to do it. There's beds here, sir,' said Sam, addressing his master, 'everything clean and

comfortable. Wery good little dinner, sir, they can get ready in half an hourpair of fowls, sir, and a weal

cutlet; French beans, 'taturs, tart, and tidiness. You'd better stop vere you are, sir, if I might recommend. Take

The host of the Saracen's Head opportunely appeared at this moment, to confirm Mr. Weller's statement

relative to the accommodations of the establishment, and to back his entreaties with a variety of dismal

conjectures regarding the state of the roads, the doubt of fresh horses being to be had at the next stage, the

dead certainty of its raining all night, the equally mortal certainty of its clearing up in the morning, and other

'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but I must send a letter to London by some conveyance, so that it may be delivered

The landlord smiled his delight. Nothing could be easier than for the gentleman to inclose a letter in a sheet of

brown paper, and send it on, either by the mail or the night coach from Birmingham. If the gentleman were

particularly anxious to have it left as soon as possible, he might write outside, 'To be delivered immediately,'

which was sure to be attended to; or 'Pay the bearer halfacrown extra for instant delivery,' which was surer

'Lights in the Sun, John; make up the fire; the gentlemen are wet!' cried the landlord. 'This way, gentlemen;

don't trouble yourselves about the postboy now, sir. I'll send him to you when you ring for him, sir. Now,

The candles were brought, the fire was stirred up, and a fresh log of wood thrown on. In ten minutes' time, a

waiter was laying the cloth for dinner, the curtains were drawn, the fire was blazing brightly, and everything

looked (as everything always does, in all decent English inns) as if the travellers had been expected, and their

Mr. Pickwick sat down at a side table, and hastily indited a note to Mr. Winkle, merely informing him that he

was detained by stress of weather, but would certainly be in London next day; until when he deferred any

account of his proceedings. This note was hastily made into a parcel, and despatched to the bar per Mr.

Sam left it with the landlady, and was returning to pull his master's boots off, after drying himself by the

kitchen fire, when glancing casually through a halfopened door, he was arrested by the sight of a gentleman

with a sandy head who had a large bundle of newspapers lying on the table before him, and was perusing the

leading article of one with a settled sneer which curled up his nose and all other features into a majestic

'Hollo!' said Sam, 'I ought to know that 'ere head and them features; the eyeglass, too, and the

Sam was taken with a troublesome cough, at once, for the purpose of attracting the gentleman's attention; the

gentleman starting at the sound, raised his head and his eyeglass, and disclosed to view the profound and

'Beggin' your pardon, sir,' said Sam, advancing with a bow, 'my master's here, Mr. Pott.'

'Hush! hush!' cried Pott, drawing Sam into the room, and closing the door, with a countenance of mysterious

'Not a whisper of my name,' replied Pott; 'this is a buff neighbourhood. If the excited and irritable populace

'I should be the victim of their fury,' replied Pott. 'Now young man, what of your master?'

'He's astopping here tonight on his vay to town, with a couple of friends,' replied Sam.

'Married!' exclaimed Pott, with frightful vehemence. He stopped, smiled darkly, and added, in a low,

vindictive tone, 'It serves him right!' Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of deadly malice and

coldblooded triumph over a fallen enemy, Mr. Pott inquired whether Mr. Pickwick's friends were 'blue?'

Receiving a most satisfactory answer in the affirmative from Sam, who knew as much about the matter as

Pott himself, he consented to accompany him to Mr. Pickwick's room, where a hearty welcome awaited him,

'And how are matters going on in Eatanswill?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, when Pott had taken a seat near the

fire, and the whole party had got their wet boots off, and dry slippers on. 'Is the INDEPENDENT still in

'The INDEPENDENT, sir,' replied Pott, 'is still dragging on a wretched and lingering career. Abhorred and

despised by even the few who are cognisant of its miserable and disgraceful existence, stifled by the very filth

it so profusely scatters, rendered deaf and blind by the exhalations of its own slime, the obscene journal,

happily unconscious of its degraded state, is rapidly sinking beneath that treacherous mud which, while it

seems to give it a firm standing with the low and debased classes of society, is nevertheless rising above its

Having delivered this manifesto (which formed a portion of his last week's leader) with vehement

articulation, the editor paused to take breath, and looked majestically at Bob Sawyer.

'And are both deeply imbued with those blue principles, which, so long as I live, I have pledged myself to the

'Not buff, Mr. Pickwick,' interrupted Pott, drawing back his chair, 'your friend is not buff, sir?'

'No, no,' rejoined Bob, 'I'm a kind of plaid at present; a compound of all sorts of colours.'

'A waverer,' said Pott solemnly, 'a waverer. I should like to show you a series of eight articles, Sir, that have

appeared in the Eatanswill GAZETTE. I think I may venture to say that you would not be long in establishing

your opinions on a firm and solid blue basis, sir.' 'I dare say I should turn very blue, long before I got to the

Mr. Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some seconds, and, turning to Mr. Pickwick, said

'You have seen the literary articles which have appeared at intervals in the Eatanswill GAZETTE in the

course of the last three months, and which have excited such generalI may say such universalattention

'Why,' replied Mr. Pickwick, slightly embarrassed by the question, 'the fact is, I have been so much engaged

'They appeared in the form of a copious review of a work on Chinese metaphysics, Sir,' said Pott.

'Very, Sir,' responded Pott, looking intensely sage. 'He CRAMMED for it, to use a technical but expressive

term; he read up for the subject, at my desire, in the "Encyclopaedia Britannica." '

'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I was not aware that that valuable work contained any information respecting

'He read, Sir,' rejoined Pott, laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick's knee, and looking round with a smile of

intellectual superiority 'he read for metaphysics under the letter M, and for China under the letter C, and

Mr. Pott's features assumed so much additional grandeur at the recollection of the power and research

displayed in the learned effusions in question, that some minutes elapsed before Mr. Pickwick felt

emboldened to renew the conversation; at length, as the editor's countenance gradually relaxed into its

customary expression of moral supremacy, he ventured to resume the discourse by asking

'That object which actuates and animates me in all my gigantic labours, Sir,' replied Pott, with a calm smile:

'my country's good.' 'I supposed it was some public mission,' observed Mr. Pickwick.

'Yes, Sir,' resumed Pott, 'it is.' Here, bending towards Mr. Pickwick, he whispered in a deep, hollow voice, 'A

Now, although Mr. Pickwick feigned to stand aghast at this disclosure, he was so little versed in local politics

that he was unable to form an adequate comprehension of the importance of the dire conspiracy it referred to;

observing which, Mr. Pott, drawing forth the last number of the Eatanswill GAZETTE, and referring to the

'A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered forth his black venom in the vain and hopeless attempt of

sullying the fair name of our distinguished and excellent representative, the Honourable Mr. Slumkeythat

Slumkey whom we, long before he gained his present noble and exalted position, predicted would one day

be, as he now is, at once his country's brightest honour, and her proudest boast: alike her bold defender and

her honest pride our reptile contemporary, we say, has made himself merry, at the expense of a superbly

embossed plated coalscuttle, which has been presented to that glorious man by his enraptured constituents,

and towards the purchase of which, the nameless wretch insinuates, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey himself

contributed, through a confidential friend of his butler's, more than threefourths of the whole sum

subscribed. Why, does not the crawling creature see, that even if this be the fact, the Honourable Mr.

Slumkey only appears in a still more amiable and radiant light than before, if that be possible? Does not even

his obtuseness perceive that this amiable and touching desire to carry out the wishes of the constituent body,

must for ever endear him to the hearts and souls of such of his fellow townsmen as are not worse than swine;

or, in other words, who are not as debased as our contemporary himself? But such is the wretched trickery of

holeandcorner Buffery! These are not its only artifices. Treason is abroad. We boldly state, now that we

are goaded to the disclosure, and we throw ourselves on the country and its constables for protectionwe

boldly state that secret preparations are at this moment in progress for a Buff ball; which is to be held in a

Buff town, in the very heart and centre of a Buff population; which is to be conducted by a Buff master of the

ceremonies; which is to be attended by four ultra Buff members of Parliament, and the admission to which, is

to be by Buff tickets! Does our fiendish contemporary wince? Let him writhe, in impotent malice, as we pen

'There, Sir,' said Pott, folding up the paper quite exhausted, 'that is the state of the case!'

The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner, caused Mr. Pott to lay his finger on his lips, in

token that he considered his life in Mr. Pickwick's hands, and depended on his secrecy. Messrs. Bob Sawyer

and Benjamin Allen, who had irreverently fallen asleep during the reading of the quotation from the

Eatanswill GAZETTE, and the discussion which followed it, were roused by the mere whispering of the

talismanic word 'Dinner' in their ears; and to dinner they went with good digestion waiting on appetite, and

In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it, Mr. Pott descending, for a few moments, to

domestic topics, informed Mr. Pickwick that the air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady, she was then

engaged in making a tour of different fashionable wateringplaces with a view to the recovery of her wonted

health and spirits; this was a delicate veiling of the fact that Mrs. Pott, acting upon her oftenrepeated threat

of separation, had, in virtue of an arrangement negotiated by her brother, the lieutenant, and concluded by

Mr. Pott, permanently retired with the faithful bodyguard upon one moiety or half part of the annual income

While the great Mr. Pott was dwelling upon this and other matters, enlivening the conversation from time to

time with various extracts from his own lucubrations, a stern stranger, calling from the window of a

stagecoach, outward bound, which halted at the inn to deliver packages, requested to know whether if he

stopped short on his journey and remained there for the night, he could be furnished with the necessary

'I can, can I?' inquired the stranger, who seemed habitually suspicious in look and manner.

Bidding the other passengers goodnight, in a rather snappish manner, the stranger alighted. He was a

shortish gentleman, with very stiff black hair cut in the porcupine or blackingbrush style, and standing stiff

and straight all over his head; his aspect was pompous and threatening; his manner was peremptory; his eyes

were sharp and restless; and his whole bearing bespoke a feeling of great confidence in himself, and a

This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned to the patriotic Mr. Pott; and the waiter

remarked, in dumb astonishment at the singular coincidence, that he had no sooner lighted the candles than

the gentleman, diving into his hat, drew forth a newspaper, and began to read it with the very same

expression of indignant scorn, which, upon the majestic features of Pott, had paralysed his energies an hour

before. The man observed too, that, whereas Mr. Pott's scorn had been roused by a newspaper headed the

Eatanswill INDEPENDENT, this gentleman's withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper entitled the

The landlord scratched his head, looked at the ceiling, and at the stranger, and smiled feebly.

'Great Heaven!' said the stranger, dashing his clenched fist upon the table. 'And this is popularity!'

The landlord took a step or two towards the door; the stranger fixing his eyes upon him, resumed.

'This,' said the stranger'this is gratitude for years of labour and study in behalf of the masses. I alight wet

and weary; no enthusiastic crowds press forward to greet their champion; the church bells are silent; the very

name elicits no responsive feeling in their torpid bosoms. It is enough,' said the agitated Mr. Slurk, pacing to

and fro, 'to curdle the ink in one's pen, and induce one to abandon their cause for ever.'

'Rum,' said Mr. Slurk, turning fiercely upon him. 'Have you got a fire anywhere?'

'Which will throw out no heat until it is bedtime,' interrupted Mr. Slurk. 'Is there anybody in the kitchen?'

Not a soul. There was a beautiful fire. Everybody had gone, and the house door was closed for the night.

'I will drink my rumandwater,' said Mr. Slurk, 'by the kitchen fire.' So, gathering up his hat and newspaper,

he stalked solemnly behind the landlord to that humble apartment, and throwing himself on a settle by the

fireside, resumed his countenance of scorn, and began to read and drink in silent dignity.

Now, some demon of discord, flying over the Saracen's Head at that moment, on casting down his eyes in

mere idle curiosity, happened to behold Slurk established comfortably by the kitchen fire, and Pott slightly

elevated with wine in another room; upon which the malicious demon, darting down into the lastmentioned

apartment with inconceivable rapidity, passed at once into the head of Mr. Bob Sawyer, and prompted him

'It wouldn't be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire, would it?' said Bob Sawyer, still prompted by

'It would be particularly comfortable, I think,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Mr. Pott, what do you say?'

Mr. Pott yielded a ready assent; and all four travellers, each with his glass in his hand, at once betook

themselves to the kitchen, with Sam Weller heading the procession to show them the way.

'What reptile?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him for fear he should tread on some overgrown black

'That reptile,' whispered Pott, catching Mr. Pickwick by the arm, and pointing towards the stranger. 'That

'Never, Sir,' rejoined Pott, potvaliant in a double sense 'never.' With these words, Mr. Pott took up his

position on an opposite settle, and selecting one from a little bundle of newspapers, began to read against his

Mr. Pott, of course read the INDEPENDENT, and Mr. Slurk, of course, read the GAZETTE; and each

gentleman audibly expressed his contempt at the other's compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs;

whence they proceeded to more open expressions of opinion, such as 'absurd,' 'wretched,' 'atrocity,' 'humbug,'

'knavery', 'dirt,' 'filth,' 'slime,' 'ditchwater,' and other critical remarks of the like nature.

Both Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Ben Allen had beheld these symptoms of rivalry and hatred, with a degree of

delight which imparted great additional relish to the cigars at which they were puffing most vigorously. The

moment they began to flag, the mischievous Mr. Bob Sawyer, addressing Slurk with great politeness, said

'Will you allow me to look at your paper, Sir, when you have quite done with it?'

'You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this contemptible THING, sir,' replied Slurk,

'You shall have this presently,' said Pott, looking up, pale with rage, and quivering in his speech, from the

Terrible emphasis was laid upon 'thing' and 'fellow'; and the faces of both editors began to glow with

'The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting,' said Pott, pretending to address Bob Sawyer,

and scowling upon Slurk. Here, Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and folding up the paper so as to get at a

'What an impudent blunderer this fellow is,' said Pott, turning from pink to crimson.

'Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, Sir?' inquired Slurk of Bob Sawyer.

'Really! Dear me, this is too atrocious!' exclaimed Pott, at this juncture; still feigning to be absorbed in his

'If you can wade through a few sentences of malice, meanness, falsehood, perjury, treachery, and cant,' said

Slurk, handing the paper to Bob, 'you will, perhaps, be somewhat repaid by a laugh at the style of this

'What's that you said, Sir?' inquired Mr. Pott, looking up, trembling all over with passion.

'Yes, sir, it was,' replied Slurk; 'and BLUE BORE, Sir, if you like that better; ha! ha!'

Mr. Pott retorted not a word at this jocose insult, but deliberately folded up his copy of the INDEPENDENT,

flattened it carefully down, crushed it beneath his boot, spat upon it with great ceremony, and flung it into the

'There, sir,' said Pott, retreating from the stove, 'and that's the way I would serve the viper who produces it, if

'Serve him so, sir!' cried Slurk, starting up. 'Those laws shall never be appealed to by him, sir, in such a case.

'Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?' said Mr. Slurk, in a taunting manner; 'you hear this, gentlemen! He won't; not

'I consider you, sir,' said Mr. Pott, moved by this sarcasm, 'I consider you a viper. I look upon you, sir, as a

man who has placed himself beyond the pale of society, by his most audacious, disgraceful, and abominable

public conduct. I view you, sir, personally and politically, in no other light than as a most unparalleled and

The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this personal denunciation; for, catching up his

carpetbag, which was well stuffed with movables, he swung it in the air as Pott turned away, and, letting it

fall with a circular sweep on his head, just at that particular angle of the bag where a good thick hairbrush

happened to be packed, caused a sharp crash to be heard throughout the kitchen, and brought him at once to

'Gentlemen,' cried Mr. Pickwick, as Pott started up and seized the fireshovel'gentlemen! Consider, for

Uttering these incoherent exclamations, Mr. Pickwick rushed between the infuriated combatants just in time

to receive the carpetbag on one side of his body, and the fireshovel on the other. Whether the

representatives of the public feeling of Eatanswill were blinded by animosity, or (being both acute reasoners)

saw the advantage of having a third party between them to bear all the blows, certain it is that they paid not

the slightest attention to Mr. Pickwick, but defying each other with great spirit, plied the carpetbag and the

fireshovel most fearlessly. Mr. Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered severely for his humane

interference, if Mr. Weller, attracted by his master's cries, had not rushed in at the moment, and, snatching up

a mealsack, effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it over the head and shoulders of the mighty Pott,

'Take away that 'ere bag from the t'other madman,' said Sam to Ben Allen and Bob Sawyer, who had done

nothing but dodge round the group, each with a tortoiseshell lancet in his hand, ready to bleed the first man

Awed by these threats, and quite out of breath, the INDEPENDENT suffered himself to be disarmed; and Mr.

'You take yourselves off to bed quietly,' said Sam, 'or I'll put you both in it, and let you fight it out vith the

mouth tied, as I vould a dozen sich, if they played these games. And you have the goodness to come this here

Thus addressing his master, Sam took him by the arm, and led him off, while the rival editors were severally

removed to their beds by the landlord, under the inspection of Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen;

breathing, as they went away, many sanguinary threats, and making vague appointments for mortal combat

next day. When they came to think it over, however, it occurred to them that they could do it much better in

print, so they recommenced deadly hostilities without delay; and all Eatanswill rung with their boldnesson

They had taken themselves off in separate coaches, early next morning, before the other travellers were

stirring; and the weather having now cleared up, the chaise companions once more turned their faces to

Considering it a matter of delicacy to abstain from introducing either Bob Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young

couple, until they were fully prepared to expect them, and wishing to spare Arabella's feelings as much as

possible, Mr. Pickwick proposed that he and Sam should alight in the neighbourhood of the George and

Vulture, and that the two young men should for the present take up their quarters elsewhere. To this they very

readily agreed, and the proposition was accordingly acted upon; Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer betaking

themselves to a sequestered potshop on the remotest confines of the Borough, behind the bar door of which

their names had in other days very often appeared at the head of long and complex calculations worked in

'Dear ME I vish it vos, my dear,' replied Sam, dropping behind, to let his master get out of hearing. 'Wot a

'Lot, Mr. Weller, what nonsense you do talk!' said Mary. 'Oh! don't, Mr. Weller."

'Why, that,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'Lor, do get along with you.' Thus admonishing him, the pretty

housemaid pushed Sam against the wall, declaring that he had tumbled her cap, and put her hair quite out of

'And prevented what I was going to say, besides,' added Mary. 'There's a letter been waiting here for you four

days; you hadn't gone away, half an hour, when it came; and more than that, it's got "immediate," on the

'I took care of it, for you, or I dare say it would have been lost long before this,' replied Mary. 'There, take it;

With these words, after many pretty little coquettish doubts and fears, and wishes that she might not have lost

it, Mary produced the letter from behind the nicest little muslin tucker possible, and handed it to Sam, who

'My goodness me!' said Mary, adjusting the tucker, and feigning unconsciousness, 'you seem to have grown

To this Mr. Weller only replied by a wink, the intense meaning of which no description could convey the

faintest idea of; and, sitting himself down beside Mary on a windowseat, opened the letter and glanced at

CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS 489

'Never mind my eyes; you had much better read your letter,' said the pretty housemaid; and as she said so, she

made the eyes twinkle with such slyness and beauty that they were perfectly irresistible.

'I am werry sorry to have the pleasure of being a Bear of ill news your Mother in law cort cold consekens of

imprudently settin too long on the damp grass in the rain a hearing of a shepherd who warnt able to leave off

till late at night owen to his having vound hisself up vith brandy and vater and not being able to stop

hisself till he got a little sober which took a many hours to do the doctor says that if she'd svallo'd varm

brandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightn't have been no vus her veels wos immedetly greased

and everythink done to set her agoin as could be inwented your father had hopes as she vould have vorked

round as usual but just as she wos a turnen the corner my boy she took the wrong road and vent down hill

vith a welocity you never see and notvithstandin that the drag wos put on directly by the medikel man it

wornt of no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes afore six o'clock yesterday evenin havin

done the journey wery much under the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven taken in wery

little luggage by the vay your father says that if you vill come and see me Sammy he vill take it as a wery

great favor for I am wery lonely Samivel n. b. he VILL have it spelt that vay vich I say ant right and as there

is sich a many things to settle he is sure your guvner wont object of course he vill not Sammy for I knows

him better so he sends his dooty in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours

'Wot a incomprehensible letter,' said Sam; 'who's to know wot it means, vith all this heing and Iing! It ain't

'Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him, and signed it himself afterwards,' said the pretty housemaid.

'Stop a minit,' replied Sam, running over the letter again, and pausing here and there, to reflect, as he did so.

'You've hit it. The gen'l'm'n as wrote it wos atellin' all about the misfortun' in a proper vay, and then my

father comes alookin' over him, and complicates the whole concern by puttin' his oar in. That's just the wery

Having satisfied himself on this point, Sam read the letter all over, once more, and, appearing to form a clear

notion of its contents for the first time, ejaculated thoughtfully, as he folded it up

'And so the poor creetur's dead! I'm sorry for it. She warn't a baddisposed 'ooman, if them shepherds had let

Mr. Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner, that the pretty housemaid cast down her eyes and

CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS 490

'Hows'ever,' said Sam, putting the letter in his pocket with a gentle sigh, 'it wos to beand wos, as the old

The pretty housemaid put out a hand which, although it was a housemaid's, was a very small one, and rose to

'You're always away,' said Mary, giving her head the slightest possible toss in the air. 'You no sooner come,

Mr. Weller drew the household beauty closer to him, and entered upon a whispering conversation, which had

not proceeded far, when she turned her face round and condescended to look at him again. When they parted,

it was somehow or other indispensably necessary for her to go to her room, and arrange the cap and curls

before she could think of presenting herself to her mistress; which preparatory ceremony she went off to

perform, bestowing many nods and smiles on Sam over the banisters as she tripped upstairs.

'I shan't be avay more than a day, or two, Sir, at the furthest,' said Sam, when he had communicated to Mr.

'As long as may be necessary, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'you have my full permission to remain.'

'You will tell your father, Sam, that if I can be of any assistance to him in his present situation, I shall be most

And with some expressions of mutual goodwill and interest, master and man separated.

It was just seven o'clock when Samuel Weller, alighting from the box of a stagecoach which passed through

Dorking, stood within a few hundred yards of the Marquis of Granby. It was a cold, dull evening; the little

street looked dreary and dismal; and the mahogany countenance of the noble and gallant marquis seemed to

wear a more sad and melancholy expression than it was wont to do, as it swung to and fro, creaking

mournfully in the wind. The blinds were pulled down, and the shutters partly closed; of the knot of loungers

that usually collected about the door, not one was to be seen; the place was silent and desolate.

CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS 491

Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any preliminary questions, Sam walked softly in, and glancing round,

The widower was seated at a small round table in the little room behind the bar, smoking a pipe, with his eyes

intently fixed upon the fire. The funeral had evidently taken place that day, for attached to his hat, which he

still retained on his head, was a hatband measuring about a yard and a half in length, which hung over the top

rail of the chair and streamed negligently down. Mr. Weller was in a very abstracted and contemplative

mood. Notwithstanding that Sam called him by name several times, he still continued to smoke with the same

fixed and quiet countenance, and was only roused ultimately by his son's placing the palm of his hand on his

'I've been acallin' to you half a dozen times,' said Sam, hanging his hat on a peg, 'but you didn't hear me.'

'No, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, again looking thoughtfully at the fire. 'I was in a referee, Sammy.'

'In a referee, Sammy,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, 'regarding HER, Samivel.' Here Mr. Weller jerked his

head in the direction of Dorking churchyard, in mute explanation that his words referred to the late Mrs.

'I wos athinkin', Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, eyeing his son, with great earnestness, over his pipe, as if to

assure him that however extraordinary and incredible the declaration might appear, it was nevertheless calmly

and deliberately uttered. 'I wos athinkin', Sammy, that upon the whole I wos wery sorry she wos gone.'

Mr. Weller nodded his acquiescence in the sentiment, and again fastening his eyes on the fire, shrouded

'Those wos wery sensible observations as she made, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, driving the smoke away with

'Them as she made, arter she was took ill,' replied the old gentleman. 'Wot was they?'

'Somethin' to this here effect. "Veller," she says, "I'm afeered I've not done by you quite wot I ought to have

done; you're a wery kindhearted man, and I might ha' made your home more comfortabler. I begin to see

now," she says, "ven it's too late, that if a married 'ooman vishes to be religious, she should begin vith

dischargin' her dooties at home, and makin' them as is about her cheerful and happy, and that vile she goes to

church, or chapel, or wot not, at all proper times, she should be wery careful not to conwert this sort o' thing

into a excuse for idleness or selfindulgence. I have done this," she says, "and I've vasted time and substance

on them as has done it more than me; but I hope ven I'm gone, Veller, that you'll think on me as I wos afore I

'"Susan," says II wos took up wery short by this, Samivel; I von't deny it, my boy"Susan," I says,

"you've been a wery good vife to me, altogether; don't say nothin' at all about it; keep a good heart, my dear;

and you'll live to see me punch that 'ere Stiggins's head yet." She smiled at this, Samivel,' said the old

CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS 492

'Vell,' said Sam, venturing to offer a little homely consolation, after the lapse of three or four minutes,

consumed by the old gentleman in slowly shaking his head from side to side, and solemnly smoking, 'vell,

'O' course there is,' replied his father, with a nod of grave approval. 'Wot 'ud become of the undertakers

Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by this reflection, the elder Mr. Weller laid his pipe on the

While the old gentleman was thus engaged, a very buxom looking cook, dressed in mourning, who had been

bustling about, in the bar, glided into the room, and bestowing many smirks of recognition upon Sam, silently

stationed herself at the back of his father's chair, and announced her presence by a slight cough, the which,

'Hollo!' said the elder Mr. Weller, dropping the poker as he looked round, and hastily drew his chair away.

'Have a cup of tea, there's a good soul,' replied the buxom female coaxingly. 'I von't,' replied Mr. Weller, in a

somewhat boisterous manner. 'I'll see you' Mr. Weller hastily checked himself, and added in a low tone,

'Oh, dear, dear! How adwersity does change people!' said the lady, looking upwards.

'It's the only thing 'twixt this and the doctor as shall change my condition,' muttered Mr. Weller.

'Never mind. It's all for my own good; vich is the reflection vith vich the penitent schoolboy comforted his

The buxom female shook her head with a compassionate and sympathising air; and, appealing to Sam,

inquired whether his father really ought not to make an effort to keep up, and not give way to that lowness of

'You see, Mr. Samuel,' said the buxom female, 'as I was telling him yesterday, he will feel lonely, he can't

expect but what he should, sir, but he should keep up a good heart, because, dear me, I'm sure we all pity his

loss, and are ready to do anything for him; and there's no situation in life so bad, Mr. Samuel, that it can't be

mended. Which is what a very worthy person said to me when my husband died.' Here the speaker, putting

her hand before her mouth, coughed again, and looked affectionately at the elder Mr. Weller.

'As I don't rekvire any o' your conversation just now, mum, vill you have the goodness to retire?' inquired

'Well, Mr. Weller,' said the buxom female, 'I'm sure I only spoke to you out of kindness.'

CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS 493

'Wery likely, mum,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Samivel, show the lady out, and shut the door after her.'

This hint was not lost upon the buxom female; for she at once left the room, and slammed the door behind

her, upon which Mr. Weller, senior, falling back in his chair in a violent perspiration, said

'Sammy, if I wos to stop here alone vun weekonly vun week, my boythat 'ere 'ooman 'ud marry me by

'Fond!' replied his father. 'I can't keep her avay from me. If I was locked up in a fireproof chest vith a patent

'I don't take no pride out on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, poking the fire vehemently, 'it's a horrid

sitiwation. I'm actiwally drove out o' house and home by it. The breath was scarcely out o' your poor

motherinlaw's body, ven vun old 'ooman sends me a pot o' jam, and another a pot o' jelly, and another

brews a blessed large jug o' camomiletea, vich she brings in vith her own hands.' Mr. Weller paused with an

aspect of intense disgust, and looking round, added in a whisper, 'They wos all widders, Sammy, all on 'em,

Sam gave a comical look in reply, and the old gentleman having broken an obstinate lump of coal, with a

countenance expressive of as much earnestness and malice as if it had been the head of one of the widows

"Cos a coachman's a privileged indiwidual,' replied Mr. Weller, looking fixedly at his son. ''Cos a coachman

may do vithout suspicion wot other men may not; 'cos a coachman may be on the wery amicablest terms with

eighty mile o' females, and yet nobody think that he ever means to marry any vun among 'em. And wot other

'If your gov'nor had been a coachman,' reasoned Mr. Weller, 'do you s'pose as that 'ere jury 'ud ever ha'

conwicted him, s'posin' it possible as the matter could ha' gone to that extremity? They dustn't ha' done it.'

'Wy not!' rejoined Mr. Weller; ''cos it 'ud ha' gone agin their consciences. A reg'lar coachman's a sort o'

connectin' link betwixt singleness and matrimony, and every practicable man knows it.'

'Wot! You mean, they're gen'ral favorites, and nobody takes adwantage on 'em, p'raps?' said Sam.

'How it ever come to that 'ere pass,' resumed the parent Weller, 'I can't say. Wy it is that longstage

coachmen possess such insiniwations, and is alvays looked up toadored I may sayby ev'ry young

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'ooman in ev'ry town he vurks through, I don't know. I only know that so it is. It's a regulation of natur a

'Wery good, Samivel, a dispensation if you like it better,' returned Mr. Weller; 'I call it a dispensary, and it's

always writ up so, at the places vere they gives you physic for nothin' in your own bottles; that's all.'

With these words, Mr. Weller refilled and relighted his pipe, and once more summoning up a meditative

'Therefore, my boy, as I do not see the adwisability o' stoppin here to be married vether I vant to or not, and

as at the same time I do not vish to separate myself from them interestin' members o' society altogether, I

have come to the determination o' driving the Safety, and puttin' up vunce more at the Bell Savage, vich is my

'The bis'ness, Samivel,' replied the old gentleman, 'goodvill, stock, and fixters, vill be sold by private

contract; and out o' the money, two hundred pound, agreeable to a rekvest o' your motherinlaw's to me, a

little afore she died, vill be invested in your name inWhat do you call them things agin?'

'Nonsense,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Them things as is alvays afluctooatin', and gettin' theirselves inwolved

somehow or another vith the national debt, and the chequers bill; and all that.'

'Ah!' rejoined Mr. Weller, 'the funs; two hundred pounds o' the money is to be inwested for you, Samivel, in

'Wery kind o' the old lady to think o' me,' said Sam, 'and I'm wery much obliged to her.'

'The rest will be inwested in my name,' continued the elder Mr. Weller; 'and wen I'm took off the road, it'll

come to you, so take care you don't spend it all at vunst, my boy, and mind that no widder gets a inklin' o'

Having delivered this warning, Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with a more serene countenance; the disclosure

Sam acted upon the direction. There was another tap, and another, and then a long row of taps; upon which

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'Hush,' whispered Mr. Weller, with apprehensive looks, 'don't take no notice on 'em, Sammy, it's vun o' the

No notice being taken of the taps, the unseen visitor, after a short lapse, ventured to open the door and peep

in. It was no female head that was thrust in at the partiallyopened door, but the long black locks and red face

The reverend gentleman gradually opened the door by almost imperceptible degrees, until the aperture was

just wide enough to admit of the passage of his lank body, when he glided into the room and closed it after

him, with great care and gentleness. Turning towards Sam, and raising his hands and eyes in token of the

unspeakable sorrow with which he regarded the calamity that had befallen the family, he carried the

highbacked chair to his old corner by the fire, and, seating himself on the very edge, drew forth a brown

While this was going forward, the elder Mr. Weller sat back in his chair, with his eyes wide open, his hands

planted on his knees, and his whole countenance expressive of absorbing and overwhelming astonishment.

Sam sat opposite him in perfect silence, waiting, with eager curiosity, for the termination of the scene.

Mr. Stiggins kept the brown pockethandkerchief before his eyes for some minutes, moaning decently

meanwhile, and then, mastering his feelings by a strong effort, put it in his pocket and buttoned it up. After

'Oh, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins, breaking the silence, in a very low voice, 'here's a sorrowful

'For the man of wrath, too!' added Mr. Stiggins; 'it makes a vessel's heart bleed!' Mr. Weller was overheard by

his son to murmur something relative to making a vessel's nose bleed; but Mr. Stiggins heard him not. 'Do

you know, young man,' whispered Mr. Stiggins, drawing his chair closer to Sam, 'whether she has left

'She hasn't left the fold nothin', nor the shepherd nothin', nor the animals nothin',' said Sam decisively; 'nor

Mr. Stiggins looked slily at Sam; glanced at the old gentleman, who was sitting with his eyes closed, as if

'I think there's something,' said Stiggins, turning as pale as he could turn. 'Consider, Mr. Samuel; no little

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'Perhaps,' said Mr. Stiggins hesitatingly, after a few moments' deep thought, 'perhaps she recommended me to

'I think that's wery likely, from what he said,' rejoined Sam; 'he wos aspeakin' about you, jist now.'

'Was he, though?' exclaimed Stiggins, brightening up. 'Ah! He's changed, I dare say. We might live very

comfortably together now, Mr. Samuel, eh? I could take care of his property when you are awaygood care,

Sam nodded, and Mr. Weller the elder gave vent to an extraordinary sound, which, being neither a groan, nor

a grunt, nor a gasp, nor a growl, seemed to partake in some degree of the character of all four.

Mr. Stiggins, encouraged by this sound, which he understood to betoken remorse or repentance, looked about

him, rubbed his hands, wept, smiled, wept again, and then, walking softly across the room to a

wellremembered shelf in one corner, took down a tumbler, and with great deliberation put four lumps of

sugar in it. Having got thus far, he looked about him again, and sighed grievously; with that, he walked softly

into the bar, and presently returning with the tumbler half full of pineapple rum, advanced to the kettle

which was singing gaily on the hob, mixed his grog, stirred it, sipped it, sat down, and taking a long and

The elder Mr. Weller, who still continued to make various strange and uncouth attempts to appear asleep,

offered not a single word during these proceedings; but when Stiggins stopped for breath, he darted upon

him, and snatching the tumbler from his hand, threw the remainder of the rumandwater in his face, and the

glass itself into the grate. Then, seizing the reverend gentleman firmly by the collar, he suddenly fell to

kicking him most furiously, accompanying every application of his topboot to Mr. Stiggins's person, with

Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hatband more firmly on his father's head, and the old gentleman,

resuming his kicking with greater agility than before, tumbled with Mr. Stiggins through the bar, and through

the passage, out at the front door, and so into the streetthe kicking continuing the whole way, and

increasing in vehemence, rather than diminishing, every time the topboot was lifted.

It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see the rednosed man writhing in Mr. Weller's grasp, and his

whole frame quivering with anguish as kick followed kick in rapid succession; it was a still more exciting

spectacle to behold Mr. Weller, after a powerful struggle, immersing Mr. Stiggins's head in a horse trough

'There!' said Mr. Weller, throwing all his energy into one most complicated kick, as he at length permitted

Mr. Stiggins to withdraw his head from the trough, 'send any vun o' them lazy shepherds here, and I'll pound

him to a jelly first, and drownd him artervards! Sammy, help me in, and fill me a small glass of brandy. I'm

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When Arabella, after some gentle preparation and many assurances that there was not the least occasion for

being lowspirited, was at length made acquainted by Mr. Pickwick with the unsatisfactory result of his visit

to Birmingham, she burst into tears, and sobbing aloud, lamented in moving terms that she should have been

'My dear girl,' said Mr. Pickwick kindly, 'it is no fault of yours. It was impossible to foresee that the old

gentleman would be so strongly prepossessed against his son's marriage, you know. I am sure,' added Mr.

Pickwick, glancing at her pretty face, 'he can have very little idea of the pleasure he denies himself.'

'Oh, my dear Mr. Pickwick,' said Arabella, 'what shall we do, if he continues to be angry with us?'

'Why, wait patiently, my dear, until he thinks better of it,' replied Mr. Pickwick cheerfully.

'But, dear Mr. Pickwick, what is to become of Nathaniel if his father withdraws his assistance?' urged

'In that case, my love,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, 'I will venture to prophesy that he will find some other friend

The significance of this reply was not so well disguised by Mr. Pickwick but that Arabella understood it. So,

throwing her arms round his neck, and kissing him affectionately, she sobbed louder than before.

'Come, come,' said Mr. Pickwick taking her hand, 'we will wait here a few days longer, and see whether he

writes or takes any other notice of your husband's communication. If not, I have thought of half a dozen

With these words, Mr. Pickwick gently pressed Arabella's hand, and bade her dry her eyes, and not distress

her husband. Upon which, Arabella, who was one of the best little creatures alive, put her handkerchief in her

reticule, and by the time Mr. Winkle joined them, exhibited in full lustre the same beaming smiles and

'This is a distressing predicament for these young people,' thought Mr. Pickwick, as he dressed himself next

As Mr. Pickwick was further prompted to betake himself to Gray's Inn Square by an anxious desire to come

to a pecuniary settlement with the kindhearted little attorney without further delay, he made a hurried

breakfast, and executed his intention so speedily, that ten o'clock had not struck when he reached Gray's Inn.

It still wanted ten minutes to the hour when he had ascended the staircase on which Perker's chambers were.

The clerks had not arrived yet, and he beguiled the time by looking out of the staircase window. The healthy

light of a fine October morning made even the dingy old houses brighten up a little; some of the dusty

windows actually looking almost cheerful as the sun's rays gleamed upon them. Clerk after clerk hastened

into the square by one or other of the entrances, and looking up at the Hall clock, accelerated or decreased his

rate of walking according to the time at which his office hours nominally commenced; the halfpast nine

o'clock people suddenly becoming very brisk, and the ten o'clock gentlemen falling into a pace of most

aristocratic slowness. The clock struck ten, and clerks poured in faster than ever, each one in a greater

perspiration than his predecessor. The noise of unlocking and opening doors echoed and reechoed on every

side; heads appeared as if by magic in every window; the porters took up their stations for the day; the

slipshod laundresses hurried off; the postman ran from house to house; and the whole legal hive was in a

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'Ah, Mr. Lowten,' replied that gentleman, looking round, and recognising his old acquaintance.

'Precious warm walking, isn't it?' said Lowten, drawing a Bramah key from his pocket, with a small plug

'You appear to feel it so,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling at the clerk, who was literally redhot.

'I've come along, rather, I can tell you,' replied Lowten. 'It went the half hour as I came through the Polygon.

Comforting himself with this reflection, Mr. Lowten extracted the plug from the doorkey; having opened

the door, replugged and repocketed his Bramah, and picked up the letters which the postman had dropped

through the box, he ushered Mr. Pickwick into the office. Here, in the twinkling of an eye, he divested

himself of his coat, put on a threadbare garment, which he took out of a desk, hung up his hat, pulled forth a

few sheets of cartridge and blottingpaper in alternate layers, and, sticking a pen behind his ear, rubbed his

'There, you see, Mr. Pickwick,' he said, 'now I'm complete. I've got my office coat on, and my pad out, and let

him come as soon as he likes. You haven't got a pinch of snuff about you, have you?'

'I'm sorry for it,' said Lowten. 'Never mind. I'll run out presently, and get a bottle of soda. Don't I look rather

The individual appealed to, surveyed Mr. Lowten's eyes from a distance, and expressed his opinion that no

'I'm glad of it,' said Lowten. 'We were keeping it up pretty tolerably at the Stump last night, and I'm rather out

'No, I don't mean that,' replied Mr. Lowten. 'About getting that customer that we paid the ten shillings in the

pound to the billdiscounter for, on your accountto get him out of the Fleet, you knowabout getting him

'Well, it's all arranged,' said Lowten, mending his pen. 'The agent at Liverpool said he had been obliged to

you many times when you were in business, and he would be glad to take him on your recommendation.'

'But I say,' resumed Lowten, scraping the back of the pen preparatory to making a fresh split, 'what a soft

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'Well, and so did I, from what little I saw of him,' replied Lowten, 'it only shows how one may be deceived.

'Treating Perker's offer of eighteen bob a week, and a rise if he behaved himself, like dirt,' replied Lowten.

'He said he must go along with the other one, and so they persuaded Perker to write again, and they've got

him something on the same estate; not near so good, Perker says, as a convict would get in New South Wales,

'Oh, it's worse than foolish; it's downright sneaking, you know,' replied Lowten, nibbing the pen with a

contemptuous face. 'He says that he's the only friend he ever had, and he's attached to him, and all that.

Friendship's a very good thing in its waywe are all very friendly and comfortable at the Stump, for

instance, over our grog, where every man pays for himself; but damn hurting yourself for anybody else, you

know! No man should have more than two attachmentsthe first, to number one, and the second to the

ladies; that's what I sayha! ha!' Mr. Lowten concluded with a loud laugh, half in jocularity, and half in

derision, which was prematurely cut short by the sound of Perker's footsteps on the stairs, at the first

approach of which, he vaulted on his stool with an agility most remarkable, and wrote intensely.

The greeting between Mr. Pickwick and his professional adviser was warm and cordial; the client was

scarcely ensconced in the attorney's armchair, however, when a knock was heard at the door, and a voice

'Hark!' said Perker, 'that's one of our vagabond friends Jingle himself, my dear Sir. Will you see him?'

'Yes, I think you had better. Here, you Sir, what's your name, walk in, will you?'

In compliance with this unceremonious invitation, Jingle and Job walked into the room, but, seeing Mr.

Pickwick, stopped short in some confusion. 'Well,' said Perker, 'don't you know that gentleman?'

'Good reason to,' replied Mr. Jingle, stepping forward. 'Mr. Pickwickdeepest obligationslife

'Thanks to you, sirgreat changeMajesty's Fleetunwholesome placevery,' said Jingle, shaking his

head. He was decently and cleanly dressed, and so was Job, who stood bolt upright behind him, staring at Mr.

'This evening, Sir, at seven o'clock,' said Job, taking one step forward. 'By the heavy coach from the city, Sir.'

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'With regard to such an outfit as was indispensable for Jingle,' said Perker, addressing Mr. Pickwick aloud. 'I

have taken upon myself to make an arrangement for the deduction of a small sum from his quarterly salary,

which, being made only for one year, and regularly remitted, will provide for that expense. I entirely

disapprove of your doing anything for him, my dear sir, which is not dependent on his own exertions and

'Certainly,' interposed Jingle, with great firmness. 'Clear head man of the worldquite rightperfectly.'

'By compounding with his creditor, releasing his clothes from the pawnbroker's, relieving him in prison, and

paying for his passage,' continued Perker, without noticing Jingle's observation, 'you have already lost

'Not lost,' said Jingle hastily, 'Pay it allstick to business cash upevery farthing. Yellow fever,

perhapscan't help that if not' Here Mr. Jingle paused, and striking the crown of his hat with great

'He means to say,' said Job, advancing a few paces, 'that if he is not carried off by the fever, he will pay the

money back again. If he lives, he will, Mr. Pickwick. I will see it done. I know he will, Sir,' said Job, with

'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, who had been bestowing a score or two of frowns upon Perker, to stop his

summary of benefits conferred, which the little attorney obstinately disregarded, 'you must be careful not to

play any more desperate cricket matches, Mr. Jingle, or to renew your acquaintance with Sir Thomas Blazo,

Mr. Jingle smiled at this sally, but looked rather foolish notwithstanding; so Mr. Pickwick changed the

'You don't happen to know, do you, what has become of another friend of yoursa more humble one, whom

'Job's brother!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'Well, now I look at him closely, there IS a likeness.'

'We were always considered like each other, Sir,' said Job, with a cunning look just lurking in the corners of

his eyes, 'only I was really of a serious nature, and he never was. He emigrated to America, Sir, in

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consequence of being too much sought after here, to be comfortable; and has never been heard of since.'

'That accounts for my not having received the "page from the romance of real life," which he promised me

one morning when he appeared to be contemplating suicide on Rochester Bridge, I suppose,' said Mr.

Pickwick, smiling. 'I need not inquire whether his dismal behaviour was natural or assumed.'

'He could assume anything, Sir,' said Job. 'You may consider yourself very fortunate in having escaped him

so easily. On intimate terms he would have been even a more dangerous acquaintance than' Job looked at

'A hopeful family yours, Mr. Trotter,' said Perker, sealing a letter which he had just finished writing.

'Well,' said the little man, laughing, 'I hope you are going to disgrace it. Deliver this letter to the agent when

you reach Liverpool, and let me advise you, gentlemen, not to be too knowing in the West Indies. If you

throw away this chance, you will both richly deserve to be hanged, as I sincerely trust you will be. And now

you had better leave Mr. Pickwick and me alone, for we have other matters to talk over, and time is precious.'

As Perker said this, he looked towards the door, with an evident desire to render the leavetaking as brief as

It was brief enough on Mr. Jingle's part. He thanked the little attorney in a few hurried words for the kindness

and promptitude with which he had rendered his assistance, and, turning to his benefactor, stood for a few

seconds as if irresolute what to say or how to act. Job Trotter relieved his perplexity; for, with a humble and

grateful bow to Mr. Pickwick, he took his friend gently by the arm, and led him away.

'I hope they may become so,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'What do you think? Is there any chance of their

Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully, but observing Mr. Pickwick's anxious and disappointed look,

'Of course there is a chance. I hope it may prove a good one. They are unquestionably penitent now; but then,

you know, they have the recollection of very recent suffering fresh upon them. What they may become, when

that fades away, is a problem that neither you nor I can solve. However, my dear Sir,' added Perker, laying

his hand on Mr. Pickwick's shoulder, 'your object is equally honourable, whatever the result is. Whether that

species of benevolence which is so very cautious and longsighted that it is seldom exercised at all, lest its

owner should be imposed upon, and so wounded in his selflove, be real charity or a worldly counterfeit, I

leave to wiser heads than mine to determine. But if those two fellows were to commit a burglary tomorrow,

With these remarks, which were delivered in a much more animated and earnest manner than is usual in legal

gentlemen, Perker drew his chair to his desk, and listened to Mr. Pickwick's recital of old Mr. Winkle's

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'I think he will,' rejoined Perker. 'If not, we must try the young lady's persuasion; and that is what anybody

Mr. Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with various grotesque contractions of countenance, eulogistic of the

persuasive powers appertaining unto young ladies, when the murmur of inquiry and answer was heard in the

'Bless my life!' said the little man, looking at his watch, 'I appointed them to be here at halfpast eleven, to

settle that matter of yours, Pickwick. I gave them an undertaking on which they sent down your discharge; it's

very awkward, my dear Sir; what will you do? Would you like to step into the next room?'

The next room being the identical room in which Messrs. Dodson Fogg were, Mr. Pickwick replied that he

would remain where he was: the more especially as Messrs. Dodson Fogg ought to be ashamed to look him in

the face, instead of his being ashamed to see them. Which latter circumstance he begged Mr. Perker to note,

'Very well, my dear Sir, very well,' replied Perker, 'I can only say that if you expect either Dodson or Fogg to

exhibit any symptom of shame or confusion at having to look you, or anybody else, in the face, you are the

most sanguine man in your expectations that I ever met with. Show them in, Mr. Lowten.'

Mr. Lowten disappeared with a grin, and immediately returned ushering in the firm, in due form of

'You have seen Mr. Pickwick, I believe?' said Perker to Dodson, inclining his pen in the direction where that

'Dear me,'cried Fogg, 'how do you do, Mr. Pickwick? I hope you are well, Sir. I thought I knew the face,' said

Mr. Pickwick bent his head very slightly, in answer to these salutations, and, seeing Fogg pull a bundle of

'There's no occasion for Mr. Pickwick to move, Mr. Perker,' said Fogg, untying the red tape which encircled

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the little bundle, and smiling again more sweetly than before. 'Mr. Pickwick is pretty well acquainted with

'Not many, I think,' said Dodson. 'Ha! ha! ha!' Then both the partners laughed togetherpleasantly and

'We shall make Mr. Pickwick pay for peeping,' said Fogg, with considerable native humour, as he unfolded

his papers. 'The amount of the taxed costs is one hundred and thirtythree, six, four, Mr. Perker.'

There was a great comparing of papers, and turning over of leaves, by Fogg and Perker, after this statement

of profit and loss. Meanwhile, Dodson said, in an affable manner, to Mr. Pickwick

'I don't think you are looking quite so stout as when I had the pleasure of seeing you last, Mr. Pickwick.'

'Possibly not, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, who had been flashing forth looks of fierce indignation, without

producing the smallest effect on either of the sharp practitioners; 'I believe I am not, Sir. I have been

persecuted and annoyed by scoundrels of late, Sir.' Perker coughed violently, and asked Mr. Pickwick

whether he wouldn't like to look at the morning paper. To which inquiry Mr. Pickwick returned a most

'True,' said Dodson, 'I dare say you have been annoyed in the Fleet; there are some odd gentry there.

'My one room,' replied that muchinjured gentleman, 'was on the coffeeroom flight.'

'Oh, indeed!' said Dodson. 'I believe that is a very pleasant part of the establishment.'

There was a coolness about all this, which, to a gentleman of an excitable temperament, had, under the

circumstances, rather an exasperating tendency. Mr. Pickwick restrained his wrath by gigantic efforts; but

when Perker wrote a cheque for the whole amount, and Fogg deposited it in a small pocketbook, with a

triumphant smile playing over his pimply features, which communicated itself likewise to the stern

countenance of Dodson, he felt the blood in his cheeks tingling with indignation.

'Now, Mr. Dodson,' said Fogg, putting up the pocketbook and drawing on his gloves, 'I am at your service.'

'I am very happy,' said Fogg, softened by the cheque, 'to have had the pleasure of making Mr. Pickwick's

acquaintance. I hope you don't think quite so ill of us, Mr. Pickwick, as when we first had the pleasure of

'I hope not,' said Dodson, with the high tone of calumniated virtue. 'Mr. Pickwick now knows us better, I

trust; whatever your opinion of gentlemen of our profession may be, I beg to assure you, sir, that I bear no

illwill or vindictive feeling towards you for the sentiments you thought proper to express in our office in

'Our conduct, Sir,' said Dodson, 'will speak for itself, and justify itself, I hope, upon every occasion. We have

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been in the profession some years, Mr. Pickwick, and have been honoured with the confidence of many

'Goodmorning, Mr. Pickwick,' said Fogg. So saying, he put his umbrella under his arm, drew off his right

glove, and extended the hand of reconciliation to that most indignant gentleman; who, thereupon, thrust his

hands beneath his coat tails, and eyed the attorney with looks of scornful amazement.

'My dear Sir, pray let the matter rest where it is,' said the little attorney, who had been in a state of nervous

'I will not be put down, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Mr. Dodson, you have addressed some remarks to

'Some remarks to me,' repeated Mr. Pickwick, almost breathless; 'and your partner has tendered me his hand,

and you have both assumed a tone of forgiveness and highmindedness, which is an extent of impudence that

'Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots and conspiracies?' continued Mr. Pickwick. 'Do you

know that I am the man whom you have been imprisoning and robbing? Do you know that you were the

'Of course we know it, Sir,' rejoined Fogg, slapping his pocket perhaps by accident.

'I see that you recollect it with satisfaction,' said Mr. Pickwick, attempting to call up a sneer for the first time

in his life, and failing most signally in so doing. 'Although I have long been anxious to tell you, in plain

terms, what my opinion of you is, I should have let even this opportunity pass, in deference to my friend

Perker's wishes, but for the unwarrantable tone you have assumed, and your insolent familiarity. I say

insolent familiarity, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, turning upon Fogg with a fierceness of gesture which caused that

'Take care, Sir,' said Dodson, who, though he was the biggest man of the party, had prudently entrenched

himself behind Fogg, and was speaking over his head with a very pale face. 'Let him assault you, Mr. Fogg;

'No, no, I won't return it,' said Fogg, falling back a little more as he spoke; to the evident relief of his partner,

'You are,' continued Mr. Pickwick, resuming the thread of his discourse'you are a wellmatched pair of

CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF Mr. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER, WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAY'S INN SQUARECONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE KNOCK AT Mr. PERKER'S DOOR 505

'It is all summed up in that,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick; 'they are mean, rascally, pettifogging robbers.'

'There!' said Perker, in a most conciliatory tone. 'My dear sirs, he has said all he has to say. Now pray go.

'There, theregoodmorninggoodmorningnow pray, my dear sirsMr. Lowten, the door!' cried the

little man, pushing Dodson Fogg, nothing loath, out of the office; 'this way, my dear sirsnow pray don't

'If there's law in England, sir,' said Dodson, looking towards Mr. Pickwick, as he put on his hat, 'you shall

'Rascally, pettifogging robbers!' continued Mr. Pickwick, taking not the least notice of the threats that were

'Robbers!' cried Mr. Pickwick, running to the stairhead, as the two attorneys descended.

'Robbers!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, breaking from Lowten and Perker, and thrusting his head out of the

When Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, his countenance was smiling and placid; and, walking quietly

back into the office, he declared that he had now removed a great weight from his mind, and that he felt

Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuffbox, and sent Lowten out to fill it, when he was

seized with a fit of laughing, which lasted five minutes; at the expiration of which time he said that he

supposed he ought to be very angry, but he couldn't think of the business seriously yetwhen he could, he

'Well, now,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me have a settlement with you.' 'Of the same kind as the last?' inquired

Perker, with another laugh. 'Not exactly,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, drawing out his pocket book, and shaking

the little man heartily by the hand, 'I only mean a pecuniary settlement. You have done me many acts of

kindness that I can never repay, and have no wish to repay, for I prefer continuing the obligation.'

With this preface, the two friends dived into some very complicated accounts and vouchers, which, having

been duly displayed and gone through by Perker, were at once discharged by Mr. Pickwick with many

They had no sooner arrived at this point, than a most violent and startling knocking was heard at the door; it

was not an ordinary doubleknock, but a constant and uninterrupted succession of the loudest single raps, as

if the knocker were endowed with the perpetual motion, or the person outside had forgotten to leave off.

CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF Mr. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER, WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAY'S INN SQUARECONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE KNOCK AT Mr. PERKER'S DOOR 506

'I think it is a knock at the door,' said Mr. Pickwick, as if there could be the smallest doubt of the fact.

The knocker made a more energetic reply than words could have yielded, for it continued to hammer with

'Dear me!' said Perker, ringing his bell, 'we shall alarm the inn. Mr. Lowten, don't you hear a knock?'

The knocker appeared to hear the response, and to assert that it was quite impossible he could wait so long. It

'Make haste, Mr. Lowten,' Perker called out; 'we shall have the panels beaten in.'

Mr. Lowten, who was washing his hands in a dark closet, hurried to the door, and turning the handle, beheld

The object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonished clerk, was a boya wonderfully fat

boyhabited as a serving lad, standing upright on the mat, with his eyes closed as if in sleep. He had never

seen such a fat boy, in or out of a travelling caravan; and this, coupled with the calmness and repose of his

appearance, so very different from what was reasonably to have been expected of the inflicter of such knocks,

The extraordinary boy replied not a word; but he nodded once, and seemed, to the clerk's imagination, to

The boy made no sign. He breathed heavily, but in all other respects was motionless.

The clerk repeated the question thrice, and receiving no answer, prepared to shut the door, when the boy

suddenly opened his eyes, winked several times, sneezed once, and raised his hand as if to repeat the

knocking. Finding the door open, he stared about him with astonishment, and at length fixed his eyes on Mr.

'Because master said, I wasn't to leave off knocking till they opened the door, for fear I should go to sleep,'

Mr. Lowten bethought himself, at this juncture, of looking out of the window. Seeing an open carriage with a

hearty old gentleman in it, looking up very anxiously, he ventured to beckon him; on which, the old

All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of old Wardle, who, running upstairs and just

'Pickwick!' said the old gentleman. 'Your hand, my boy! Why have I never heard until the day before

yesterday of your suffering yourself to be cooped up in jail? And why did you let him do it, Perker?'

'I couldn't help it, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, with a smile and a pinch of snuff; 'you know how obstinate he

'Of course I do; of course I do,' replied the old gentleman. 'I am heartily glad to see him, notwithstanding. I

With these words, Wardle shook Mr. Pickwick's hand once more, and, having done the same by Perker, threw

himself into an armchair, his jolly red face shining again with smiles and health.

'Well!' said Wardle. 'Here are pretty goings ona pinch of your snuff, Perker, my boynever were such

'Mean!' replied Wardle. 'Why, I think the girls are all running mad; that's no news, you'll say? Perhaps it's not;

'You have not come up to London, of all places in the world, to tell us that, my dear Sir, have you?' inquired

'No, not altogether,' replied Wardle; 'though it was the main cause of my coming. How's Arabella?'

'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'and will be delighted to see you, I am sure.'

'Blackeyed little jilt!' replied Wardle. 'I had a great idea of marrying her myself, one of these odd days. But I

'Oh, it came to my girls, of course,'replied Wardle. 'Arabella wrote, the day before yesterday, to say she had

made a stolen match without her husband's father's consent, and so you had gone down to get it when his

refusing it couldn't prevent the match, and all the rest of it. I thought it a very good time to say something

serious to my girls; so I said what a dreadful thing it was that children should marry without their parents'

consent, and so forth; but, bless your hearts, I couldn't make the least impression upon them. They thought it

such a much more dreadful thing that there should have been a wedding without bridesmaids, that I might as

well have preached to Joe himself.' Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh; and having done so to his heart's

'But this is not the best of it, it seems. This is only half the lovemaking and plotting that have been going

forward. We have been walking on mines for the last six months, and they're sprung at last.'

'What do you mean?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning pale; 'no other secret marriage, I hope?'

'Really,' replied Wardle, 'you're such a fiery sort of a young fellow that I am almost afraid to tell you; but,

Having closed the room door, and fortified himself with another application to Perker's snuffbox, the old

'The fact is, that my daughter BellaBella, who married young Trundle, you know.'

'Don't alarm me at the very beginning. My daughter Bella Emily having gone to bed with a headache after

she had read Arabella's letter to mesat herself down by my side the other evening, and began to talk over

this marriage affair. "Well, pa," she says, "what do you think of it?" "Why, my dear," I said, "I suppose it's all

very well; I hope it's for the best." I answered in this way because I was sitting before the fire at the time,

drinking my grog rather thoughtfully, and I knew my throwing in an undecided word now and then, would

induce her to continue talking. Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother, and as I grow old I like to sit

with only them by me; for their voices and looks carry me back to the happiest period of my life, and make

me, for the moment, as young as I used to be then, though not quite so lighthearted. "It's quite a marriage of

affection, pa," said Bella, after a short silence. "Yes, my dear," said I, "but such marriages do not always turn

'I question that, mind!' interposed Mr. Pickwick warmly. 'Very good,' responded Wardle, 'question anything

'Granted,' replied Wardle. '"I am sorry to hear you express your opinion against marriages of affection, pa,"

said Bella, colouring a little. "I was wrong; I ought not to have said so, my dear, either," said I, patting her

cheek as kindly as a rough old fellow like me could pat it, "for your mother's was one, and so was yours."

"It's not that I meant, pa," said Bella. "The fact is, pa, I wanted to speak to you about Emily."'

'I never could spin out a story,' said Wardle abruptly. 'It must come out, sooner or later, and it'll save us all a

great deal of time if it comes at once. The long and the short of it is, then, that Bella at last mustered up

courage to tell me that Emily was very unhappy; that she and your young friend Snodgrass had been in

constant correspondence and communication ever since last Christmas; that she had very dutifully made up

her mind to run away with him, in laudable imitation of her old friend and schoolfellow; but that having

some compunctions of conscience on the subject, inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly disposed to

both of them, they had thought it better in the first instance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I

would have any objection to their being married in the usual matterof fact manner. There now, Mr.

Pickwick, if you can make it convenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again, and to let me hear what

The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered this last sentence was not wholly unwarranted;

for Mr. Pickwick's face had settled down into an expression of blank amazement and perplexity, quite curious

'Snodgrass!since last Christmas!' were the first broken words that issued from the lips of the confounded

'Since last Christmas,' replied Wardle; 'that's plain enough, and very bad spectacles we must have worn, not

'I don't understand it,' said Mr. Pickwick, ruminating; 'I cannot really understand it.'

'It's easy enough to understand it,' replied the choleric old gentleman. 'If you had been a younger man, you

would have been in the secret long ago; and besides,' added Wardle, after a moment's hesitation, 'the truth is,

that, knowing nothing of this matter, I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months past, to receive

favourably (if she could; I would never attempt to force a girl's inclinations) the addresses of a young

gentleman down in our neighbourhood. I have no doubt that, girllike, to enhance her own value and increase

the ardour of Mr. Snodgrass, she has represented this matter in very glowing colours, and that they have both

arrived at the conclusion that they are a terribly persecuted pair of unfortunates, and have no resource but

'Just so,' interposed Perker, who had accompanied this dialogue with sundry twitchings of his watchchain,

vindictive rubbings of his nose, and other symptoms of impatience. 'That's very natural; but how?'

'I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a great disturbance,' rejoined the old gentleman. 'At last I got

tired of rendering myself unpleasant and making everybody miserable; so I hired a carriage at Muggleton,

and, putting my own horses in it, came up to town, under pretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella.'

'To be sure she is,' replied Wardle. 'She is at Osborne's Hotel in the Adelphi at this moment, unless your

'Not a bit of it,' answered Wardle; 'she has been crying and moping ever since, except last night, between tea

and supper, when she made a great parade of writing a letter that I pretended to take no notice of.'

'You want my advice in this matter, I suppose?' said Perker, looking from the musing face of Mr. Pickwick to

the eager countenance of Wardle, and taking several consecutive pinches of his favourite stimulant.

'Well then,' said Perker, rising and pushing his chair back, 'my advice is, that you both walk away together, or

ride away, or get away by some means or other, for I'm tired of you, and just talk this matter over between

you. If you have not settled it by the next time I see you, I'll tell you what to do.'

'This is satisfactory,' said Wardle, hardly knowing whether to smile or be offended.

'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' returned Perker. 'I know you both a great deal better than you know yourselves.

Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman poked his snuff box first into the chest of Mr. Pickwick, and

then into the waistcoat of Mr. Wardle, upon which they all three laughed, especially the two lastnamed

gentlemen, who at once shook hands again, without any obvious or particular reason.

'Can't promise, my dear Sir, can't promise,' replied Perker. 'I'll look in, in the evening, at all events.'

'I shall expect you at five,' said Wardle. 'Now, Joe!' And Joe having been at length awakened, the two friends

departed in Mr. Wardle's carriage, which in common humanity had a dickey behind for the fat boy, who, if

there had been a footboard instead, would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first nap.

Driving to the George and Vulture, they found that Arabella and her maid had sent for a hackneycoach

immediately on the receipt of a short note from Emily announcing her arrival in town, and had proceeded

straight to the Adelphi. As Wardle had business to transact in the city, they sent the carriage and the fat boy to

his hotel, with the information that he and Mr. Pickwick would return together to dinner at five o'clock.

Charged with this message, the fat boy returned, slumbering as peaceably in his dickey, over the stones, as if

it had been a down bed on watch springs. By some extraordinary miracle he awoke of his own accord, when

the coach stopped, and giving himself a good shake to stir up his faculties, went upstairs to execute his

Now, whether the shake had jumbled the fat boy's faculties together, instead of arranging them in proper

order, or had roused such a quantity of new ideas within him as to render him oblivious of ordinary forms and

ceremonies, or (which is also possible) had proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling asleep as he

ascended the stairs, it is an undoubted fact that he walked into the sittingroom without previously knocking

at the door; and so beheld a gentleman with his arms clasping his young mistress's waist, sitting very lovingly

by her side on a sofa, while Arabella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorbed in looking out of a

window at the other end of the room. At the sight of this phenomenon, the fat boy uttered an interjection, the

'Wretched creature, what do you want here?' said the gentleman, who it is needless to say was Mr. Snodgrass.

'What do you want me for,' inquired Emily, turning her head aside, 'you stupid creature?'

Upon this, Emily and Mr. Snodgrass, and Arabella and Mary, crowded into a corner, and conversed earnestly

'Joe,' said Arabella, at length, looking round with a most bewitching smile, 'how do you do, Joe?'

'Joe,' said Mr. Snodgrass, advancing to the astonished youth, and seizing his hand, 'I didn't know you before.

'I'll owe you five, Joe,' said Arabella, 'for old acquaintance sake, you know;' and another most captivating

The fat boy's perception being slow, he looked rather puzzled at first to account for this sudden prepossession

in his favour, and stared about him in a very alarming manner. At length his broad face began to show

symptoms of a grin of proportionately broad dimensions; and then, thrusting halfacrown into each of his

pockets, and a hand and wrist after it, he burst into a horse laugh: being for the first and only time in his

'He understands us, I see,' said Arabella. 'He had better have something to eat, immediately,' remarked Emily.

The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion. Mary, after a little more whispering, tripped

With these words, the fat boy led the way downstairs; his pretty companion captivating all the waiters and

There was the meatpie of which the youth had spoken so feelingly, and there were, moreover, a steak, and a

Having apostrophised his eye, in a species of rapture, five or six times, the youth took the head of the little

'Will you have some of this?' said the fat boy, plunging into the pie up to the very ferules of the knife and

The fat boy assisted Mary to a little, and himself to a great deal, and was just going to begin eating when he

suddenly laid down his knife and fork, leaned forward in his chair, and letting his hands, with the knife and

This was said in an admiring manner, and was, so far, gratifying; but still there was enough of the cannibal in

The fat boy, gradually recovering his former position, replied with a heavy sigh, and, remaining thoughtful

for a few moments, drank a long draught of the porter. Having achieved this feat, he sighed again, and

The fat boy had by this time finished the pie. He fixed his eyes on Mary, and replied 'I knows a nicerer.'

'So's hers,' said the fat boy. 'You're her.' The boy grinned to add point to the compliment, and put his eyes into

something between a squint and a cast, which there is reason to believe he intended for an ogle.

'Oh,' said the fat boy, in a tone of strong feeling; 'how we should have enjoyed ourselves at meals, if you had

'I might come here sometimes, perhaps, to see you,' said Mary, plaiting the tablecloth in assumed coyness,

The fat boy looked from the piedish to the steak, as if he thought a favour must be in a manner connected

with something to eat; and then took out one of the halfcrowns and glanced at it nervously.

'The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentleman about the young gentleman having been

,is that all?' said the fat boy, evidently very much relieved, as he pocketed the halfcrown again. 'Of course I

'You see,' said Mary, 'Mr. Snodgrass is very fond of Miss Emily, and Miss Emily's very fond of him, and if

you were to tell about it, the old gentleman would carry you all away miles into the country, where you'd see

'That's a dear,' said Mary. 'Now it's time I went upstairs, and got my lady ready for dinner.'

The fat boy, with elephantine playfulness, stretched out his arms to ravish a kiss; but as it required no great

agility to elude him, his fair enslaver had vanished before he closed them again; upon which the apathetic

youth ate a pound or so of steak with a sentimental countenance, and fell fast asleep.

There was so much to say upstairs, and there were so many plans to concert for elopement and matrimony in

the event of old Wardle continuing to be cruel, that it wanted only half an hour of dinner when Mr. Snodgrass

took his final adieu. The ladies ran to Emily's bedroom to dress, and the lover, taking up his hat, walked out

of the room. He had scarcely got outside the door, when he heard Wardle's voice talking loudly, and looking

over the banisters beheld him, followed by some other gentlemen, coming straight upstairs. Knowing nothing

of the house, Mr. Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room he had just quitted, and

passing thence into an inner apartment (Mr. Wardle's bedchamber), closed the door softly, just as the persons

he had caught a glimpse of entered the sittingroom. These were Mr. Wardle, Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Nathaniel

Winkle, and Mr. Benjamin Allen, whom he had no difficulty in recognising by their voices.

'Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them,' thought Mr. Snodgrass with a smile, and walking on

tiptoe to another door near the bedside; 'this opens into the same passage, and I can walk quietly and

There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comfortably away, which was that the door was

'Let us have some of your best wine today, waiter,' said old Wardle, rubbing his hands.

Devoutly and ardently did Mr. Snodgrass wish that the ladies could know he had come in. He ventured once

to whisper, 'Waiter!' through the keyhole, but the probability of the wrong waiter coming to his relief, flashed

upon his mind, together with a sense of the strong resemblance between his own situation and that in which

another gentleman had been recently found in a neighbouring hotel (an account of whose misfortunes had

appeared under the head of 'Police' in that morning's paper), he sat himself on a portmanteau, and trembled

'We won't wait a minute for Perker,' said Wardle, looking at his watch; 'he is always exact. He will be here, in

time, if he means to come; and if he does not, it's of no use waiting. Ha! Arabella!'

'My sister!' exclaimed Mr. Benjamin Allen, folding her in a most romantic embrace.

'Oh, Ben, dear, how you do smell of tobacco,' said Arabella, rather overcome by this mark of affection.

Perhaps he did, having just left a pleasant little smokingparty of twelve medical students, in a small back

'There,' said Arabella, bending forward to kiss her brother; 'don't take hold of me again, Ben, dear, because

At this point of the reconciliation, Mr. Ben Allen allowed his feelings and the cigars and porter to overcome

'A great deal,' whispered Arabella, as she received the old gentleman's hearty caress and congratulation. 'You

'You are a little rebel,' replied Wardle, in the same tone, 'and I am afraid I shall be obliged to forbid you the

house. People like you, who get married in spite of everybody, ought not to be let loose on society. But

come!' added the old gentleman aloud, 'here's the dinner; you shall sit by me. Joe; why, damn the boy, he's

To the great distress of his master, the fat boy was indeed in a state of remarkable vigilance, his eyes being

wide open, and looking as if they intended to remain so. There was an alacrity in his manner, too, which was

equally unaccountable; every time his eyes met those of Emily or Arabella, he smirked and grinned; once,

This alteration in the fat boy's demeanour originated in his increased sense of his own importance, and the

dignity he acquired from having been taken into the confidence of the young ladies; and the smirks, and

grins, and winks were so many condescending assurances that they might depend upon his fidelity. As these

tokens were rather calculated to awaken suspicion than allay it, and were somewhat embarrassing besides,

they were occasionally answered by a frown or shake of the head from Arabella, which the fat boy,

considering as hints to be on his guard, expressed his perfect understanding of, by smirking, grinning, and

'Joe,' said Mr. Wardle, after an unsuccessful search in all his pockets, 'is my snuffbox on the sofa?'

'Oh, I recollect; I left it on my dressingtable this morning,' said Wardle. 'Run into the next room and fetch it.'

The fat boy went into the next room; and, having been absent about a minute, returned with the snuffbox,

'I think you're right,' whispered Wardle across the table. 'He is intoxicated, I'm sure.'

Ben Allen replied that he thought he was; and, as that gentleman had seen a vast deal of the disease in

question, Wardle was confirmed in an impression which had been hovering about his mind for half an hour,

'Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes,' murmured Wardle. 'We shall soon find out whether he is or

The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a dozen words with Mr. Snodgrass, that gentleman having

implored him to make a private appeal to some friend to release him, and then pushed him out with the

snuffbox, lest his prolonged absence should lead to a discovery. He ruminated a little with a most disturbed

But Mary had gone home after dressing her mistress, and the fat boy came back again more disturbed than

The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of everybody at table, and stammered out that he didn't know.

Now, Mr. Pickwick being in the very best health and spirits, had been making himself perfectly delightful all

dinnertime, and was at this moment engaged in an energetic conversation with Emily and Mr. Winkle;

bowing his head, courteously, in the emphasis of his discourse, gently waving his left hand to lend force to

his observations, and all glowing with placid smiles. He took a piece of cheese from the plate, and was on the

point of turning round to renew the conversation, when the fat boy, stooping so as to bring his head on a level

with that of Mr. Pickwick, pointed with his thumb over his shoulder, and made the most horrible and hideous

'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, starting, 'what a veryEh?' He stopped, for the fat boy had drawn himself up,

'This is such an extremely singular lad!' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking uneasily at the boy. 'It seems an odd

thing to say, but upon my word I am afraid that, at times, he is a little deranged.'

'I am not certain, of course,' said Mr. Pickwick, amidst profound silence and looks of general dismay; 'but his

manner to me this moment really was very alarming. Oh!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, suddenly jumping up

with a short scream. 'I beg your pardon, ladies, but at that moment he ran some sharp instrument into my leg.

'He's drunk,' roared old Wardle passionately. 'Ring the bell! Call the waiters! He's drunk.'

'I ain't,' said the fat boy, falling on his knees as his master seized him by the collar. 'I ain't drunk.'

'Then, what the devil did you run sharp instruments into Mr. Pickwick's legs for?' inquired Wardle angrily.

The fat boy gasped, looked at the bedroom door, gasped again, and wiped two tears away with the knuckle of

'Stop!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'allow me. What did you wish to communicate to me, my poor boy?'

'You want to bite his ear off, I suppose,' said Wardle. 'Don't come near him; he's vicious; ring the bell, and let

Just as Mr. Winkle caught the bellrope in his hand, it was arrested by a general expression of astonishment;

the captive lover, his face burning with confusion, suddenly walked in from the bedroom, and made a

'Hollo!' cried Wardle, releasing the fat boy's collar, and staggering back. 'What's this?'

'I have been concealed in the next room, sir, since you returned,' explained Mr. Snodgrass.

'Emily, my girl,' said Wardle reproachfully, 'I detest meanness and deceit; this is unjustifiable and indelicate

'Dear papa,' said Emily, 'Arabella knowseverybody here knowsJoe knowsthat I was no party to this

Mr. Snodgrass, who had only waited for a hearing, at once recounted how he had been placed in his then

distressing predicament; how the fear of giving rise to domestic dissensions had alone prompted him to avoid

Mr. Wardle on his entrance; how he merely meant to depart by another door, but, finding it locked, had been

compelled to stay against his will. It was a painful situation to be placed in; but he now regretted it the less,

inasmuch as it afforded him an opportunity of acknowledging, before their mutual friends, that he loved Mr.

Wardle's daughter deeply and sincerely; that he was proud to avow that the feeling was mutual; and that if

thousands of miles were placed between them, or oceans rolled their waters, he could never for an instant

Having delivered himself to this effect, Mr. Snodgrass bowed again, looked into the crown of his hat, and

'Inflammable,' mildly suggested Mr. Pickwick, who thought something worse was coming.

'Wellthat's inflammable,' said Wardle, adopting the substitute; 'couldn't you say all this to me in the first

'Dear, dear,' said Arabella, taking up the defence, 'what is the use of asking all that now, especially when you

know you had set your covetous old heart on a richer soninlaw, and are so wild and fierce besides, that

everybody is afraid of you, except me? Shake hands with him, and order him some dinner, for goodness

gracious' sake, for he looks half starved; and pray have your wine up at once, for you'll not be tolerable until

The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabella's ear, kissed her without the smallest scruple, kissed his daughter

'She is right on one point at all events,' said the old gentleman cheerfully. 'Ring for the wine!'

The wine came, and Perker came upstairs at the same moment. Mr. Snodgrass had dinner at a side table, and,

when he had despatched it, drew his chair next Emily, without the smallest opposition on the old gentleman's

The evening was excellent. Little Mr. Perker came out wonderfully, told various comic stories, and sang a

serious song which was almost as funny as the anecdotes. Arabella was very charming, Mr. Wardle very

jovial, Mr. Pickwick very harmonious, Mr. Ben Allen very uproarious, the lovers very silent, Mr. Winkle

'Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on the morning after the funeral, 'I've found it, Sammy. I thought

'Your motherinlaw's vill, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'In wirtue o' vich, them arrangements is to be made

'Not a bit on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'We wos a adjestin' our little differences, and I wos acheerin'

her spirits and bearin' her up, so that I forgot to ask anythin' about it. I don't know as I should ha' done it,

indeed, if I had remembered it,' added Mr. Weller, 'for it's a rum sort o' thing, Sammy, to go ahankerin' arter

anybody's property, ven you're assistin' 'em in illness. It's like helping an outside passenger up, ven he's been

pitched off a coach, and puttin' your hand in his pocket, vile you ask him, vith a sigh, how he finds hisself,

With this figurative illustration of his meaning, Mr. Weller unclasped his pocketbook, and drew forth a dirty

sheet of letterpaper, on which were inscribed various characters crowded together in remarkable confusion.

'This here is the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'I found it in the little black teapot, on the top shelf o'

the bar closet. She used to keep banknotes there, 'fore she vos married, Samivel. I've seen her take the lid

off, to pay a bill, many and many a time. Poor creetur, she might ha' filled all the teapots in the house vith

vills, and not have inconwenienced herself neither, for she took wery little of anythin' in that vay lately, 'cept

on the temperance nights, ven they just laid a foundation o' tea to put the spirits atop on!'

'Jist vot I told you, my boy,' rejoined his parent. 'Two hundred pound vurth o' reduced counsels to my

soninlaw, Samivel, and all the rest o' my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever, to my husband,

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 519

'That's all,' replied Mr. Weller. 'And I s'pose as it's all right and satisfactory to you and me as is the only

'Wot are you adoin' on, you lunatic?' said Sam, snatching the paper away, as his parent, in all innocence,

stirred the fire preparatory to suiting the action to the word. 'You're a nice eggzekiter, you are.'

'Vy not?' inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly round, with the poker in his hand.

'Vy not?' exclaimed Sam. ''Cos it must be proved, and probated, and swore to, and all manner o' formalities.'

Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; intimating by a look, meanwhile, that he did mean it, and

'Then I'll tell you wot it is,' said Mr. Weller, after a short meditation, 'this is a case for that 'ere confidential

pal o' the Chancellorship's. Pell must look into this, Sammy. He's the man for a difficult question at law. Ve'll

'I never did see such a addleheaded old creetur!' exclaimed Sam irritably; 'Old Baileys, and Solvent Courts,

and alleybis, and ev'ry species o' gammon alvays arunnin' through his brain. You'd better get your out o'

door clothes on, and come to town about this bisness, than stand apreachin' there about wot you don't

'Wery good, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I'm quite agreeable to anythin' as vill hexpedite business, Sammy.

'Vait a minit, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, who, having tied his shawl with the aid of a small glass that hung

in the window, was now, by dint of the most wonderful exertions, struggling into his upper garments. 'Vait a

minit' Sammy; ven you grow as old as your father, you von't get into your veskit quite as easy as you do now,

'If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm blessed if I'd vear vun at all,' rejoined his son.

'You think so now,' said Mr. Weller, with the gravity of age, 'but you'll find that as you get vider, you'll get

As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maximthe result of many years' personal experience and

observationhe contrived, by a dexterous twist of his body, to get the bottom button of his coat to perform

its office. Having paused a few seconds to recover breath, he brushed his hat with his elbow, and declared

'As four heads is better than two, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, as they drove along the London Road in the

chaisecart, 'and as all this here property is a wery great temptation to a legal gen'l'm'n, ve'll take a couple o'

friends o' mine vith us, as'll be wery soon down upon him if he comes anythin' irreg'lar; two o' them as saw

you to the Fleet that day. They're the wery best judges,' added Mr. Weller, in a halfwhisper'the wery best

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 520

'The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can form a ackerate judgment of anythin',' replied his

In pursuance of this notable resolution, the services of the mottledfaced gentleman and of two other very fat

coachmen selected by Mr. Weller, probably, with a view to their width and consequent wisdomwere put

into requisition; and this assistance having been secured, the party proceeded to the publichouse in Portugal

Street, whence a messenger was despatched to the Insolvent Court over the way, requiring Mr. Solomon

The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon Pell in court, regaling himself, business being rather slack,

with a cold collation of an Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy. The message was no sooner whispered in his ear

than he thrust them in his pocket among various professional documents, and hurried over the way with such

alacrity that he reached the parlour before the messenger had even emancipated himself from the court.

'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, 'my service to you all. I don't say it to flatter you, gentlemen, but

there are not five other men in the world, that I'd have come out of that court for, today.'

'Busy!' replied Pell; 'I'm completely sewn up, as my friend the late Lord Chancellor many a time used to say

to me, gentlemen, when he came out from hearing appeals in the House of Lords. Poor fellow; he was very

susceptible to fatigue; he used to feel those appeals uncommonly. I actually thought more than once that he'd

Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused; on which, the elder Mr. Weller, nudging his neighbour, as begging

him to mark the attorney's high connections, asked whether the duties in question produced any permanent ill

'I don't think he ever quite recovered them,' replied Pell; 'in fact I'm sure he never did. "Pell," he used to say

to me many a time, "how the blazes you can stand the headwork you do, is a mystery to me.""Well," I

used to answer, "I hardly know how I do it, upon my life.""Pell," he'd add, sighing, and looking at me with

a little envyfriendly envy, you know, gentlemen, mere friendly envy; I never minded it"Pell, you're a

wonder; a wonder." Ah! you'd have liked him very much if you had known him, gentlemen. Bring me

Addressing this latter remark to the waitress, in a tone of subdued grief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his shoes

'However,' said Pell, drawing a chair to the table, 'a professional man has no right to think of his private

friendships when his legal assistance is wanted. By the bye, gentlemen, since I saw you here before, we have

Mr. Pell drew out a pockethandkerchief, when he came to the word weep, but he made no further use of it

'I saw it in the ADVERTISER, Mr. Weller,' continued Pell. 'Bless my soul, not more than fiftytwo! Dear

These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the mottledfaced man, whose eyes Mr. Pell had

accidentally caught; on which, the mottledfaced man, whose apprehension of matters in general was of a

foggy nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and opined that, indeed, so far as that went, there was no saying

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 521

how things was brought about; which observation, involving one of those subtle propositions which it is

'I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman, Mr. Weller,' said Pell, in a sympathising manner.

'Yes, sir, she wos,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, not much relishing this mode of discussing the subject, and

yet thinking that the attorney, from his long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor, must know best on all

matters of polite breeding. 'She wos a wery fine 'ooman, sir, ven I first know'd her. She wos a widder, sir, at

'Now, it's curious,' said Pell, looking round with a sorrowful smile; 'Mrs. Pell was a widow.'

'Not at all,' gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Weller. 'More widders is married than single wimin.'

'Very good, very good,' said Pell, 'you're quite right, Mr. Weller. Mrs. Pell was a very elegant and

accomplished woman; her manners were the theme of universal admiration in our neighbourhood. I was

proud to see that woman dance; there was something so firm and dignified, and yet natural, in her motion.

Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicity itself. Ah! well, well! Excuse my asking the question, Mr. Samuel,'

'Mrs. Pell was a tall figure,' said Pell, 'a splendid woman, with a noble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, formed

to command and be majestic. She was very much attached to mevery much highly connected, too. Her

mother's brother, gentlemen, failed for eight hundred pounds, as a law stationer.'

'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather restless during this discussion, 'vith regard to bis'ness.'

The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been revolving in his mind whether any business was to be

transacted, or whether he had been merely invited to partake of a glass of brandyand water, or a bowl of

punch, or any similar professional compliment, and now the doubt was set at rest without his appearing at all

eager for its solution. His eyes glistened as he laid his hat on the table, and said

'What is the business upon whichum? Either of these gentlemen wish to go through the court? We require

an arrest; a friendly arrest will do, you know; we are all friends here, I suppose?'

'Give me the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking the will from his son, who appeared to enjoy the

'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller sharply, 'probe and probe it, is wery much the same; if you don't understand

'No offence, I hope, Mr. Weller,' said Pell meekly. 'You are the executor, I see,' he added, casting his eyes

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 522

'These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, are they?' inquired Pell, with a congratulatory smile.

'Sammy is a legatease,' replied Mr. Weller; 'these other gen'l'm'n is friends o' mine, just come to see fair; a

'Oh!' said Pell, 'very good. I have no objections, I'm sure. I shall want a matter of five pound of you before I

It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be advanced, Mr. Weller produced that sum;

after which, a long consultation about nothing particular took place, in the course whereof Mr. Pell

demonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the gentlemen who saw fair, that unless the management of the

business had been intrusted to him, it must all have gone wrong, for reasons not clearly made out, but no

doubt sufficient. This important point being despatched, Mr. Pell refreshed himself with three chops, and

liquids both malt and spirituous, at the expense of the estate; and then they all went away to Doctors'

The next day there was another visit to Doctors' Commons, and a great todo with an attesting hostler, who,

being inebriated, declined swearing anything but profane oaths, to the great scandal of a proctor and

surrogate. Next week, there were more visits to Doctors' Commons, and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty

Office besides, and there were treaties entered into, for the disposal of the lease and business, and

ratifications of the same, and inventories to be made out, and lunches to be taken, and dinners to be eaten, and

so many profitable things to be done, and such a mass of papers accumulated that Mr. Solomon Pell, and the

boy, and the blue bag to boot, all got so stout that scarcely anybody would have known them for the same

At length all these weighty matters being arranged, a day was fixed for selling out and transferring the stock,

and of waiting with that view upon Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, stockbroker, of somewhere near the bank, who

It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties were attired accordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were newly

cleaned, and his dress was arranged with peculiar care; the mottledfaced gentleman wore at his buttonhole

a fullsized dahlia with several leaves; and the coats of his two friends were adorned with nosegays of laurel

and other evergreens. All three were habited in strict holiday costume; that is to say, they were wrapped up to

the chins, and wore as many clothes as possible, which is, and has been, a stagecoachman's idea of full dress

Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the appointed time; even he wore a pair of gloves and a

'A quarter to two,' said Pell, looking at the parlour clock. 'If we are with Mr. Flasher at a quarter past, we shall

'What should you say to a drop o' beer, gen'l'm'n?' suggested the mottledfaced man. 'And a little bit o' cold

'Or a oyster,' added the third, who was a hoarse gentleman, supported by very round legs.

'Hear, hear!' said Pell; 'to congratulate Mr. Weller, on his coming into possession of his property, eh? Ha! ha!'

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Sammy complied; and the porter, cold beef, and oysters being promptly produced, the lunch was done ample

justice to. Where everybody took so active a part, it is almost invidious to make a distinction; but if one

individual evinced greater powers than another, it was the coachman with the hoarse voice, who took an

'Mr. Pell, Sir,' said the elder Mr. Weller, stirring a glass of brandyandwater, of which one was placed

before every gentleman when the oyster shells were removed'Mr. Pell, Sir, it wos my intention to have

Here Mr. Samuel Weller, who had silently eaten his oysters with tranquil smiles, cried, 'Hear!' in a very loud

'Has vispered to me,' resumed his father, 'that it vould be better to dewote the liquor to vishin' you success

and prosperity, and thankin' you for the manner in which you've brought this here business through. Here's

'Hold hard there,' interposed the mottledfaced gentleman, with sudden energy; 'your eyes on me, gen'l'm'n!'

Saying this, the mottledfaced gentleman rose, as did the other gentlemen. The mottledfaced gentleman

reviewed the company, and slowly lifted his hand, upon which every man (including him of the mottled

countenance) drew a long breath, and lifted his tumbler to his lips. In one instant, the mottledfaced

gentleman depressed his hand again, and every glass was set down empty. It is impossible to describe the

thrilling effect produced by this striking ceremony. At once dignified, solemn, and impressive, it combined

'Well, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, 'all I can say is, that such marks of confidence must be very gratifying to a

professional man. I don't wish to say anything that might appear egotistical, gentlemen, but I'm very glad, for

your own sakes, that you came to me; that's all. If you had gone to any low member of the profession, it's my

firm conviction, and I assure you of it as a fact, that you would have found yourselves in Queer Street before

this. I could have wished my noble friend had been alive to have seen my management of this case. I don't

say it out of pride, but I think However, gentlemen, I won't trouble you with that. I'm generally to be found

here, gentlemen, but if I'm not here, or over the way, that's my address. You'll find my terms very cheap and

reasonable, and no man attends more to his clients than I do, and I hope I know a little of my profession

besides. If you have any opportunity of recommending me to any of your friends, gentlemen, I shall be very

much obliged to you, and so will they too, when they come to know me. Your healths, gentlemen.'

With this expression of his feelings, Mr. Solomon Pell laid three small written cards before Mr. Weller's

friends, and, looking at the clock again, feared it was time to be walking. Upon this hint Mr. Weller settled

the bill, and, issuing forth, the executor, legatee, attorney, and umpires, directed their steps towards the city.

The office of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, of the Stock Exchange, was in a first floor up a court behind the Bank

of England; the house of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was at Brixton, Surrey; the horse and stanhope of Wilkins

Flasher, Esquire, were at an adjacent livery stable; the groom of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was on his way to

the West End to deliver some game; the clerk of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, had gone to his dinner; and so

Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, himself, cried, 'Come in,' when Mr. Pell and his companions knocked at the

'Goodmorning, Sir,' said Pell, bowing obsequiously. 'We want to make a little transfer, if you please.'

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'Oh, just come in, will you?' said Mr. Flasher. 'Sit down a minute; I'll attend to you directly.'

Mr. Weller took a chair, and Sam took a box, and the umpires took what they could get, and looked at the

almanac and one or two papers which were wafered against the wall, with as much openeyed reverence as if

'Well, I'll bet you half a dozen of claret on it; come!' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, resuming the conversation

This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore his hat on his right whisker, and was

lounging over the desk, killing flies with a ruler. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was balancing himself on two legs

of an office stool, spearing a waferbox with a penknife, which he dropped every now and then with great

dexterity into the very centre of a small red wafer that was stuck outside. Both gentlemen had very open

waistcoats and very rolling collars, and very small boots, and very big rings, and very little watches, and very

large guardchains, and symmetrical inexpressibles, and scented pockethandkerchiefs.

'Of course,' replied Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, entered it in a little book, with a gold

pencilcase, and the other gentleman entered it also, in another little book with another gold pencilcase.

'I see there's a notice up this morning about Boffer,' observed Mr. Simmery. 'Poor devil, he's expelled the

'I'll bet you ten guineas to five, he cuts his throat,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire.

'Stop! I bar,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, thoughtfully. 'Perhaps he may hang himself.'

'Very good,' rejoined Mr. Simmery, pulling out the gold pencilcase again. 'I've no objection to take you that

'Just so,' replied Mr. Simmery, putting it down. '"Flasher ten guineas to five, Boffer kills himself." Within

'Confound it, no,' rejoined Mr. Simmery, stopping for an instant to smash a fly with the ruler. 'Say a week.'

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 525

So it was entered down on the little books that Boffer was to kill himself within ten days, or Wilkins Flasher,

Esquire, was to hand over to Frank Simmery, Esquire, the sum of ten guineas; and that if Boffer did kill

himself within that time, Frank Simmery, Esquire, would pay to Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, five guineas,

'I'm very sorry he has failed,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'Capital dinners he gave.'

'Fine port he had too,' remarked Mr. Simmery. 'We are going to send our butler to the sale tomorrow, to pick

'The devil you are!' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'My man's going too. Five guineas my man outbids your

Another entry was made in the little books, with the gold pencilcases; and Mr. Simmery, having by this time

killed all the flies and taken all the bets, strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what was going forward.

Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, now condescended to receive Mr. Solomon Pell's instructions, and having filled up

some printed forms, requested the party to follow him to the bank, which they did: Mr. Weller and his three

friends staring at all they beheld in unbounded astonishment, and Sam encountering everything with a

Crossing a courtyard which was all noise and bustle, and passing a couple of porters who seemed dressed to

match the red fire engine which was wheeled away into a corner, they passed into an office where their

business was to be transacted, and where Pell and Mr. Flasher left them standing for a few moments, while

'Wot place is this here?' whispered the mottledfaced gentleman to the elder Mr. Weller.

'Wot are them gen'l'men asettin' behind the counters?' asked the hoarse coachman.

'Reduced counsels, I s'pose,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ain't they the reduced counsels, Samivel?'

'Wy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is alive, do you?' inquired Sam, with some disdain.

'How should I know?' retorted Mr. Weller; 'I thought they looked wery like it. Wot are they, then?'

''Cos it's in their dooty, I suppose,' replied Sam, 'it's a part o' the system; they're alvays adoin' it here, all day

long!' Mr. Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to reflect upon this singular regulation as

connected with the monetary system of the country, when they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flasher,

Esquire, who led them to a part of the counter above which was a round blackboard with a large 'W.' on it.

'Wot's that for, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller, directing Pell's attention to the target in question.

CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER 526

'I say,' said Mr. Weller, turning round to the umpires, there's somethin' wrong here. We's our letterthis

The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the business could not be legally proceeded with,

under the letter W., and in all probability it would have stood over for one day at least, had it not been for the

prompt, though, at first sight, undutiful behaviour of Sam, who, seizing his father by the skirt of the coat,

dragged him to the counter, and pinned him there, until he had affixed his signature to a couple of

instruments; which, from Mr. Weller's habit of printing, was a work of so much labour and time, that the

officiating clerk peeled and ate three Ribstone pippins while it was performing.

As the elder Mr. Weller insisted on selling out his portion forthwith, they proceeded from the bank to the gate

of the Stock Exchange, to which Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, after a short absence, returned with a cheque on

Smith, Payne, Smith, for five hundred and thirty pounds; that being the money to which Mr. Weller, at the

market price of the day, was entitled, in consideration of the balance of the second Mrs. Weller's funded

savings. Sam's two hundred pounds stood transferred to his name, and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, having been

paid his commission, dropped the money carelessly into his coat pocket, and lounged back to his office.

Mr. Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the cheque in nothing but sovereigns; but it being

represented by the umpires that by so doing he must incur the expense of a small sack to carry them home in,

'My son,' said Mr. Weller, as they came out of the banking house'my son and me has a wery partickler

engagement this arternoon, and I should like to have this here bis'ness settled out of hand, so let's jest go

A quiet room was soon found, and the accounts were produced and audited. Mr. Pell's bill was taxed by Sam,

and some charges were disallowed by the umpires; but, notwithstanding Mr. Pell's declaration, accompanied

with many solemn asseverations that they were really too hard upon him, it was by very many degrees the

best professional job he had ever had, and one on which he boarded, lodged, and washed, for six months

The umpires having partaken of a dram, shook hands and departed, as they had to drive out of town that

night. Mr. Solomon Pell, finding that nothing more was going forward, either in the eating or drinking way,

'There!' said Mr. Weller, thrusting his pocketbook in his side pocket. 'Vith the bills for the lease, and that,

there's eleven hundred and eighty pound here. Now, Samivel, my boy, turn the horses' heads to the George

Mr. Pickwick was sitting alone, musing over many things, and thinking among other considerations how he

could best provide for the young couple whose present unsettled condition was matter of constant regret and

anxiety to him, when Mary stepped lightly into the room, and, advancing to the table, said, rather hastily

'Oh, if you please, Sir, Samuel is downstairs, and he says may his father see you?'

CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN Mr. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTSAN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY 527

'Oh, no, Sir,' replied Mary eagerly. 'He has only just come home. He is not going to ask you for any more

Mary might have been conscious that she had communicated this last intelligence with more warmth than

seemed actually necessary, or she might have observed the goodhumoured smile with which Mr. Pickwick

regarded her, when she had finished speaking. She certainly held down her head, and examined the corner of

a very smart little apron, with more closeness than there appeared any absolute occasion for.

Mr. Pickwick took two or three turns up and down the room; and, rubbing his chin with his left hand as he

'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, at length in a kind but somewhat melancholy tone, 'it is the best way in which

I could reward him for his attachment and fidelity; let it be so, in Heaven's name. It is the fate of a lonely old

man, that those about him should form new and different attachments and leave him. I have no right to expect

that it should be otherwise with me. No, no,' added Mr. Pickwick more cheerfully, 'it would be selfish and

ungrateful. I ought to be happy to have an opportunity of providing for him so well. I am. Of course I am.'

Mr. Pickwick had been so absorbed in these reflections, that a knock at the door was three or four times

repeated before he heard it. Hastily seating himself, and calling up his accustomed pleasant looks, he gave the

'Glad to see you back again, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'How do you do, Mr. Weller?'

'I wanted to have a little bit o' conwersation with you, sir,' said Mr. Weller, 'if you could spare me five minits

'Thank'ee, Samivel, I've got a cheer here,' said Mr. Weller, bringing one forward as he spoke; 'uncommon fine

day it's been, sir,' added the old gentleman, laying his hat on the floor as he sat himself down.

'Seasonablest veather I ever see, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. Here, the old gentleman was seized with a violent

fit of coughing, which, being terminated, he nodded his head and winked and made several supplicatory and

threatening gestures to his son, all of which Sam Weller steadily abstained from seeing.

CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN Mr. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTSAN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY 528

Mr. Pickwick, perceiving that there was some embarrassment on the old gentleman's part, affected to be

engaged in cutting the leaves of a book that lay beside him, and waited patiently until Mr. Weller should

'I never see sich a aggrawatin' boy as you are, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, looking indignantly at his son;

'He von't begin, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'he knows I ain't ekal to expressin' myself ven there's anythin'

partickler to be done, and yet he'll stand and see me asettin' here taking up your walable time, and makin' a

reg'lar spectacle o' myself, rayther than help me out vith a syllable. It ain't filial conduct, Samivel,' said Mr.

'You said you'd speak,' replied Sam; 'how should I know you wos done up at the wery beginnin'?'

'You might ha' seen I warn't able to start,' rejoined his father; 'I'm on the wrong side of the road, and backin'

into the palin's, and all manner of unpleasantness, and yet you von't put out a hand to help me. I'm ashamed

'The fact is, Sir,' said Sam, with a slight bow, 'the gov'nor's been adrawin' his money.'

'Wery good, Samivel, wery good,' said Mr. Weller, nodding his head with a satisfied air, 'I didn't mean to

speak harsh to you, Sammy. Wery good. That's the vay to begin. Come to the pint at once. Wery good indeed,

Mr. Weller nodded his head an extraordinary number of times, in the excess of his gratification, and waited in

'You may sit down, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, apprehending that the interview was likely to prove rather

'It don't much matter vether it's reduced counsels, or wot not,' said Sam; 'five hundred and thirty pounds is the

'As much as makes it,' continued Sam, 'altogether, eleven hundred and eighty pound.'

'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am delighted to hear it. I congratulate you, Mr. Weller, on having done so

CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN Mr. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTSAN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY 529

'Vait a minit, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, raising his hand in a deprecatory manner. 'Get on, Samivel.'

'This here money,' said Sam, with a little hesitation, 'he's anxious to put someveres, vere he knows it'll be

safe, and I'm wery anxious too, for if he keeps it, he'll go alendin' it to somebody, or inwestin' property in

horses, or droppin' his pocketbook down an airy, or makin' a Egyptian mummy of hisself in some vay or

'Wery good, Samivel,' observed Mr. Weller, in as complacent a manner as if Sam had been passing the

'For vich reasons,' continued Sam, plucking nervously at the brim of his hat'for vich reasons, he's drawn it

'To say this here,' said the elder Mr. Weller impatiently, 'that it ain't o' no use to me. I'm agoin' to vork a

coach reg'lar, and ha'n't got noveres to keep it in, unless I vos to pay the guard for takin' care on it, or to put it

in vun o' the coach pockets, vich 'ud be a temptation to the insides. If you'll take care on it for me, sir, I shall

be wery much obliged to you. P'raps,' said Mr. Weller, walking up to Mr. Pickwick and whispering in his

ear'p'raps it'll go a little vay towards the expenses o' that 'ere conwiction. All I say is, just you keep it till I

ask you for it again.' With these words, Mr. Weller placed the pocketbook in Mr. Pickwick's hands, caught

up his hat, and ran out of the room with a celerity scarcely to be expected from so corpulent a subject.

'Stop him, Sam!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick earnestly. 'Overtake him; bring him back instantly! Mr.

Sam saw that his master's injunctions were not to be disobeyed; and, catching his father by the arm as he was

'My good friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, taking the old man by the hand, 'your honest confidence overpowers

'I don't see no occasion for nothin' o' the kind, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller obstinately.

'I assure you, my good friend, I have more money than I can ever need; far more than a man at my age can

'Perhaps not,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I have no intention of trying any such experiments, I am not likely

to come to want. I must beg you to take this back, Mr. Weller.' 'Wery well,' said Mr. Weller, with a

discontented look. 'Mark my vords, Sammy, I'll do somethin' desperate vith this here property; somethin'

Mr. Weller reflected for a short time, and then, buttoning up his coat with great determination, said

'A pike!' rejoined Mr. Weller, through his set teeth; 'I'll keep a pike. Say goodbye to your father, Samivel. I

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This threat was such an awful one, and Mr. Weller, besides appearing fully resolved to carry it into execution,

seemed so deeply mortified by Mr. Pickwick's refusal, that that gentleman, after a short reflection, said

'Well, well, Mr. Weller, I will keep your money. I can do more good with it, perhaps, than you can.'

'Just the wery thing, to be sure,' said Mr. Weller, brightening up; 'o' course you can, sir.'

'Say no more about it,' said Mr. Pickwick, locking the pocket book in his desk; 'I am heartily obliged to you,

The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphant success of his visit, which had convulsed not only Mr.

Weller's face, but his arms, legs, and body also, during the locking up of the pocket book, suddenly gave

Mr. Weller looked uncommonly wise and very much amazed, when Mr. Pickwick opened the discourse by

Mr. Weller shook his head. He was wholly unable to speak; vague thoughts of some wicked widow having

'Did you happen to see a young girl downstairs when you came in just now with your son?' inquired Mr.

'What did you think of her, now? Candidly, Mr. Weller, what did you think of her?'

'I thought she wos wery plump, and vell made,' said Mr. Weller, with a critical air.

'So she is,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'so she is. What did you think of her manners, from what you saw of her?'

The precise meaning which Mr. Weller attached to this last mentioned adjective, did not appear; but, as it

was evident from the tone in which he used it that it was a favourable expression, Mr. Pickwick was as well

'I mean an interest in her doing well,' resumed Mr. Pickwick; 'a desire that she may be comfortable and

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'It's nat'ral,' said Mr. Weller, after some consideration, 'nat'ral, but rayther alarmin'. Sammy must be careful.'

'Wery careful that he don't say nothin' to her,' responded Mr. Weller. 'Wery careful that he ain't led avay, in a

innocent moment, to say anythin' as may lead to a conwiction for breach. You're never safe vith 'em, Mr.

Pickwick, ven they vunce has designs on you; there's no knowin' vere to have 'em; and vile you're

aconsidering of it, they have you. I wos married fust, that vay myself, Sir, and Sammy wos the consekens o'

'You give me no great encouragement to conclude what I have to say,' observed Mr. Pickwick, 'but I had

better do so at once. This young person is not only attached to your son, Mr. Weller, but your son is attached

'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'this here's a pretty sort o' thing to come to a father's ears, this is!'

'I have observed them on several occasions,' said Mr. Pickwick, making no comment on Mr. Weller's last

remark; 'and entertain no doubt at all about it. Supposing I were desirous of establishing them comfortably as

man and wife in some little business or situation, where they might hope to obtain a decent living, what

At first, Mr. Weller received with wry faces a proposition involving the marriage of anybody in whom he

took an interest; but, as Mr. Pickwick argued the point with him, and laid great stress on the fact that Mary

was not a widow, he gradually became more tractable. Mr. Pickwick had great influence over him, and he

had been much struck with Mary's appearance; having, in fact, bestowed several very unfatherly winks upon

her, already. At length he said that it was not for him to oppose Mr. Pickwick's inclination, and that he would

be very happy to yield to his advice; upon which, Mr. Pickwick joyfully took him at his word, and called Sam

'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his throat, 'your father and I have been having some conversation about

'I am not so blind, Sam, as not to have seen, a long time since, that you entertain something more than a

'You hear this, Samivel?' said Mr. Weller, in the same judicial form of speech as before.

'I hope, Sir,' said Sam, addressing his master, 'I hope there's no harm in a young man takin' notice of a young

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'So far from thinking there is anything wrong in conduct so natural,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'it is my wish to

assist and promote your wishes in this respect. With this view, I have had a little conversation with your

'The lady not being a widow,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 'I wish to free you from the restraint which your

present position imposes upon you, and to mark my sense of your fidelity and many excellent qualities, by

enabling you to marry this girl at once, and to earn an independent livelihood for yourself and family. I shall

be proud, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, whose voice had faltered a little hitherto, but now resumed its customary

tone, 'proud and happy to make your future prospects in life my grateful and peculiar care.'

There was a profound silence for a short time, and then Sam said, in a low, husky sort of voice, but firmly

'I'm very much obliged to you for your goodness, Sir, as is only like yourself; but it can't be done.'

'I say it can't be done,' repeated Sam in a louder key. 'Wot's to become of you, Sir?'

'My good fellow,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'the recent changes among my friends will alter my mode of life in

future, entirely; besides, I am growing older, and want repose and quiet. My rambles, Sam, are over.'

'How do I know that 'ere, sir?' argued Sam. 'You think so now! S'pose you wos to change your mind, vich is

not unlikely, for you've the spirit o' fiveandtwenty in you still, what 'ud become on you vithout me? It can't

'Wery good, Samivel, there's a good deal in that,' said Mr. Weller encouragingly.

'I speak after long deliberation, Sam, and with the certainty that I shall keep my word,' said Mr. Pickwick,

'Wery good,' rejoined Sam. 'Then, that's the wery best reason wy you should alvays have somebody by you as

understands you, to keep you up and make you comfortable. If you vant a more polished sort o' feller, vell

and good, have him; but vages or no vages, notice or no notice, board or no board, lodgin' or no lodgin', Sam

Veller, as you took from the old inn in the Borough, sticks by you, come what may; and let ev'rythin' and

At the close of this declaration, which Sam made with great emotion, the elder Mr. Weller rose from his

chair, and, forgetting all considerations of time, place, or propriety, waved his hat above his head, and gave

'My good fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller had sat down again, rather abashed at his own

'I do consider the young 'ooman, Sir,' said Sam. 'I have considered the young 'ooman. I've spoke to her. I've

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told her how I'm sitivated; she's ready to vait till I'm ready, and I believe she vill. If she don't, she's not the

young 'ooman I take her for, and I give her up vith readiness. You've know'd me afore, Sir. My mind's made

Who could combat this resolution? Not Mr. Pickwick. He derived, at that moment, more pride and luxury of

feeling from the disinterested attachment of his humble friends, than ten thousand protestations from the

While this conversation was passing in Mr. Pickwick's room, a little old gentleman in a suit of

snuffcoloured clothes, followed by a porter carrying a small portmanteau, presented himself below; and,

after securing a bed for the night, inquired of the waiter whether one Mrs. Winkle was staying there, to which

'I believe she is, Sir,' replied the waiter; 'I can call her own maid, Sir, if you'

'No, I don't want her,' said the old gentleman quickly. 'Show me to her room without announcing me.'

As the little old gentleman uttered this command, he slipped five shillings into the waiter's hand, and looked

'Ah! you'll do it, I see,' said the little old gentleman. 'You had better do it at once. It will save time.'

There was something so very cool and collected in the gentleman's manner, that the waiter put the five

'This is the room, is it?' said the gentleman. 'You may go.' The waiter complied, wondering much who the

gentleman could be, and what he wanted; the little old gentleman, waiting till he was out of sight, tapped at

'Um, a pretty voice, at any rate,' murmured the little old gentleman; 'but that's nothing.' As he said this, he

opened the door and walked in. Arabella, who was sitting at work, rose on beholding a strangera little

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'Pray don't rise, ma'am,' said the unknown, walking in, and closing the door after him. 'Mrs. Winkle, I

'Mrs. Nathaniel Winkle, who married the son of the old man at Birmingham?' said the stranger, eyeing

Again Arabella inclined her head, and looked uneasily round, as if uncertain whether to call for assistance.

He took one; and drawing a spectaclecase from his pocket, leisurely pulled out a pair of spectacles, which

'You don't know me, ma'am?' he said, looking so intently at Arabella that she began to feel alarmed.

'No,' said the gentleman, nursing his left leg; 'I don't know how you should. You know my name, though,

'Do I?' said Arabella, trembling, though she scarcely knew why. 'May I ask what it is?'

'Presently, ma'am, presently,' said the stranger, not having yet removed his eyes from her countenance. 'You

'I have,' replied Arabella, in a scarcely audible tone, laying aside her work, and becoming greatly agitated as a

'Without having represented to your husband the propriety of first consulting his father, on whom he is

'Without an endeavour, even, to ascertain, by some indirect appeal, what were the old man's sentiments on a

'And without having sufficient property of your own to afford your husband any permanent assistance in

exchange for the worldly advantages which you knew he would have gained if he had married agreeably to

his father's wishes?' said the old gentleman. 'This is what boys and girls call disinterested affection, till they

have boys and girls of their own, and then they see it in a rougher and very different light!'

Arabella's tears flowed fast, as she pleaded in extenuation that she was young and inexperienced; that her

attachment had alone induced her to take the step to which she had resorted; and that she had been deprived

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'It was wrong,' said the old gentleman in a milder tone, 'very wrong. It was romantic, unbusinesslike, foolish.'

'Nonsense,' said the old gentleman; 'it was not your fault that he fell in love with you, I suppose? Yes it was,

though,' said the old gentleman, looking rather slily at Arabella. 'It was your fault. He couldn't help it.'

This little compliment, or the little gentleman's odd way of paying it, or his altered mannerso much kinder

than it was, at firstor all three together, forced a smile from Arabella in the midst of her tears.

'Where's your husband?' inquired the old gentleman, abruptly; stopping a smile which was just coming over

'I expect him every instant, sir,' said Arabella. 'I persuaded him to take a walk this morning. He is very low

'He feels it on my account, I am afraid,' said Arabella; 'and indeed, Sir, I feel it deeply on his. I have been the

'Don't mind it on his account, my dear,' said the old gentleman. 'It serves him right. I am glad of itactually

The words were scarcely out of the old gentleman's lips, when footsteps were heard ascending the stairs,

which he and Arabella seemed both to recognise at the same moment. The little gentleman turned pale; and,

making a strong effort to appear composed, stood up, as Mr. Winkle entered the room.

'Yes, sir,' replied the little old gentleman. 'Well, Sir, what have you got to say to me?'

'No, Sir,' replied Mr. Winkle, drawing Arabella's arm through his. 'I am not ashamed of myself, or of my wife

'I am very sorry to have done anything which has lessened your affection for me, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle; 'but I

will say, at the same time, that I have no reason to be ashamed of having this lady for my wife, nor you of

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'Give me your hand, Nat,' said the old gentleman, in an altered voice. 'Kiss me, my love. You are a very

In a few minutes' time Mr. Winkle went in search of Mr. Pickwick, and returning with that gentleman,

presented him to his father, whereupon they shook hands for five minutes incessantly.

'Mr. Pickwick, I thank you most heartily for all your kindness to my son,' said old Mr. Winkle, in a bluff,

straightforward way. 'I am a hasty fellow, and when I saw you last, I was vexed and taken by surprise. I have

judged for myself now, and am more than satisfied. Shall I make any more apologies, Mr. Pickwick?'

'Not one,' replied that gentleman. 'You have done the only thing wanting to complete my happiness.'

Hereupon there was another shaking of hands for five minutes longer, accompanied by a great number of

complimentary speeches, which, besides being complimentary, had the additional and very novel

Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Belle Sauvage, when, on returning, he encountered the fat boy in the

'I say,' said Joe, who was unusually loquacious, 'what a pretty girl Mary is, isn't she? I am SO fond of her, I

Mr. Weller made no verbal remark in reply; but eyeing the fat boy for a moment, quite transfixed at his

presumption, led him by the collar to the corner, and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious kick.

For a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr. Winkle from Birmingham, Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller

were from home all day long, only returning just in time for dinner, and then wearing an air of mystery and

importance quite foreign to their natures. It was evident that very grave and eventful proceedings were on

foot; but various surmises were afloat, respecting their precise character. Some (among whom was Mr.

Tupman) were disposed to think that Mr. Pickwick contemplated a matrimonial alliance; but this idea the

ladies most strenuously repudiated. Others rather inclined to the belief that he had projected some distant

tour, and was at present occupied in effecting the preliminary arrangements; but this again was stoutly denied

by Sam himself, who had unequivocally stated, when crossexamined by Mary, that no new journeys were to

be undertaken. At length, when the brains of the whole party had been racked for six long days, by unavailing

speculation, it was unanimously resolved that Mr. Pickwick should be called upon to explain his conduct, and

to state distinctly why he had thus absented himself from the society of his admiring friends.

With this view, Mr. Wardle invited the full circle to dinner at the Adelphi; and the decanters having been

'We are all anxious to know,' said the old gentleman, 'what we have done to offend you, and to induce you to

'Are you?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'It is singular enough that I had intended to volunteer a full explanation this

very day; so, if you will give me another glass of wine, I will satisfy your curiosity.'

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The decanters passed from hand to hand with unwonted briskness, and Mr. Pickwick, looking round on the

faces of his friends with a cheerful smile, proceeded 'All the changes that have taken place among us,' said

Mr. Pickwick, 'I mean the marriage that HAS taken place, and the marriage that WILL take place, with the

changes they involve, rendered it necessary for me to think, soberly and at once, upon my future plans. I

determined on retiring to some quiet, pretty neighbourhood in the vicinity of London; I saw a house which

exactly suited my fancy; I have taken it and furnished it. It is fully prepared for my reception, and I intend

entering upon it at once, trusting that I may yet live to spend many quiet years in peaceful retirement, cheered

through life by the society of my friends, and followed in death by their affectionate remembrance.'

'The house I have taken,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is at Dulwich. It has a large garden, and is situated in one of the

most pleasant spots near London. It has been fitted up with every attention to substantial comfort; perhaps to

a little elegance besides; but of that you shall judge for yourselves. Sam accompanies me there. I have

engaged, on Perker's representation, a housekeepera very old oneand such other servants as she thinks I

shall require. I propose to consecrate this little retreat, by having a ceremony in which I take a great interest,

performed there. I wish, if my friend Wardle entertains no objection, that his daughter should be married

from my new house, on the day I take possession of it. The happiness of young people,' said Mr. Pickwick, a

little moved, 'has ever been the chief pleasure of my life. It will warm my heart to witness the happiness of

'I have communicated, both personally and by letter, with the club,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'acquainting them

with my intention. During our long absence, it has suffered much from internal dissentions; and the

withdrawal of my name, coupled with this and other circumstances, has occasioned its dissolution. The

'I shall never regret,' said Mr. Pickwick in a low voice, 'I shall never regret having devoted the greater part of

two years to mixing with different varieties and shades of human character, frivolous as my pursuit of novelty

may have appeared to many. Nearly the whole of my previous life having been devoted to business and the

pursuit of wealth, numerous scenes of which I had no previous conception have dawned upon meI hope to

the enlargement of my mind, and the improvement of my understanding. If I have done but little good, I trust

I have done less harm, and that none of my adventures will be other than a source of amusing and pleasant

With these words, Mr. Pickwick filled and drained a bumper with a trembling hand; and his eyes moistened

There were few preparatory arrangements to be made for the marriage of Mr. Snodgrass. As he had neither

father nor mother, and had been in his minority a ward of Mr. Pickwick's, that gentleman was perfectly well

acquainted with his possessions and prospects. His account of both was quite satisfactory to Wardle as

almost any other account would have been, for the good old gentleman was overflowing with Hilarity and

kindnessand a handsome portion having been bestowed upon Emily, the marriage was fixed to take place

on the fourth day from that time the suddenness of which preparations reduced three dressmakers and a

Getting posthorses to the carriage, old Wardle started off, next day, to bring his mother back to town.

Communicating his intelligence to the old lady with characteristic impetuosity, she instantly fainted away;

but being promptly revived, ordered the brocaded silk gown to be packed up forthwith, and proceeded to

relate some circumstances of a similar nature attending the marriage of the eldest daughter of Lady

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Tollimglower, deceased, which occupied three hours in the recital, and were not half finished at last.

Mrs. Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty preparations that were making in London; and, being in a

delicate state of health, was informed thereof through Mr. Trundle, lest the news should be too much for her;

but it was not too much for her, inasmuch as she at once wrote off to Muggleton, to order a new cap and a

black satin gown, and moreover avowed her determination of being present at the ceremony. Hereupon, Mr.

Trundle called in the doctor, and the doctor said Mrs. Trundle ought to know best how she felt herself, to

which Mrs. Trundle replied that she felt herself quite equal to it, and that she had made up her mind to go;

upon which the doctor, who was a wise and discreet doctor, and knew what was good for himself, as well as

for other people, said that perhaps if Mrs. Trundle stopped at home, she might hurt herself more by fretting,

than by going, so perhaps she had better go. And she did go; the doctor with great attention sending in half a

In addition to these points of distraction, Wardle was intrusted with two small letters to two small young

ladies who were to act as bridesmaids; upon the receipt of which, the two young ladies were driven to despair

by having no 'things' ready for so important an occasion, and no time to make them ina circumstance

which appeared to afford the two worthy papas of the two small young ladies rather a feeling of satisfaction

than otherwise. However, old frocks were trimmed, and new bonnets made, and the young ladies looked as

well as could possibly have been expected of them. And as they cried at the subsequent ceremony in the

proper places, and trembled at the right times, they acquitted themselves to the admiration of all beholders.

How the two poor relations ever reached Londonwhether they walked, or got behind coaches, or procured

lifts in wagons, or carried each other by turnsis uncertain; but there they were, before Wardle; and the very

first people that knocked at the door of Mr. Pickwick's house, on the bridal morning, were the two poor

They were welcomed heartily though, for riches or poverty had no influence on Mr. Pickwick; the new

servants were all alacrity and readiness; Sam was in a most unrivalled state of high spirits and excitement;

The bridegroom, who had been staying at the house for two or three days previous, sallied forth gallantly to

Dulwich Church to meet the bride, attended by Mr. Pickwick, Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Tupman;

with Sam Weller outside, having at his buttonhole a white favour, the gift of his ladylove, and clad in a

new and gorgeous suit of livery invented for the occasion. They were met by the Wardles, and the Winkles,

and the bride and bridesmaids, and the Trundles; and the ceremony having been performed, the coaches

rattled back to Mr. Pickwick's to breakfast, where little Mr. Perker already awaited them.

Here, all the light clouds of the more solemn part of the proceedings passed away; every face shone forth

joyously; and nothing was to be heard but congratulations and commendations. Everything was so beautiful!

The lawn in front, the garden behind, the miniature conservatory, the diningroom, the drawingroom, the

bedrooms, the smokingroom, and, above all, the study, with its pictures and easychairs, and odd cabinets,

and queer tables, and books out of number, with a large cheerful window opening upon a pleasant lawn and

commanding a pretty landscape, dotted here and there with little houses almost hidden by the trees; and then

the curtains, and the carpets, and the chairs, and the sofas! Everything was so beautiful, so compact, so neat,

and in such exquisite taste, said everybody, that there really was no deciding what to admire most.

And in the midst of all this, stood Mr. Pickwick, his countenance lighted up with smiles, which the heart of

no man, woman, or child, could resist: himself the happiest of the group: shaking hands, over and over again,

with the same people, and when his own hands were not so employed, rubbing them with pleasure: turning

round in a different direction at every fresh expression of gratification or curiosity, and inspiring everybody

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Breakfast is announced. Mr. Pickwick leads the old lady (who has been very eloquent on the subject of Lady

Tollimglower) to the top of a long table; Wardle takes the bottom; the friends arrange themselves on either

side; Sam takes his station behind his master's chair; the laughter and talking cease; Mr. Pickwick, having

said grace, pauses for an instant and looks round him. As he does so, the tears roll down his cheeks, in the

Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments of unmixed happiness, of which, if we seek them, there

are ever some, to cheer our transitory existence here. There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are

stronger in the contrast. Some men, like bats or owls, have better eyes for the darkness than for the light. We,

who have no such optical powers, are better pleased to take our last parting look at the visionary companions

of many solitary hours, when the brief sunshine of the world is blazing full upon them.

It is the fate of most men who mingle with the world, and attain even the prime of life, to make many real

friends, and lose them in the course of nature. It is the fate of all authors or chroniclers to create imaginary

friends, and lose them in the course of art. Nor is this the full extent of their misfortunes; for they are required

In compliance with this customunquestionably a bad one we subjoin a few biographical words, in

Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, being fully received into favour by the old gentleman, were shortly afterwards installed

in a newly built house, not half a mile from Mr. Pickwick's. Mr. Winkle, being engaged in the city as agent

or town correspondent of his father, exchanged his old costume for the ordinary dress of Englishmen, and

Mr. and Mrs. Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell, where they purchased and cultivated a small farm, more for

occupation than profit. Mr. Snodgrass, being occasionally abstracted and melancholy, is to this day reputed a

great poet among his friends and acquaintance, although we do not find that he has ever written anything to

encourage the belief. There are many celebrated characters, literary, philosophical, and otherwise, who hold a

Mr. Tupman, when his friends married, and Mr. Pickwick settled, took lodgings at Richmond, where he has

ever since resided. He walks constantly on the terrace during the summer months, with a youthful and jaunty

air, which has rendered him the admiration of the numerous elderly ladies of single condition, who reside in

Mr. Bob Sawyer, having previously passed through the GAZETTE, passed over to Bengal, accompanied by

Mr. Benjamin Allen; both gentlemen having received surgical appointments from the East India Company.

They each had the yellow fever fourteen times, and then resolved to try a little abstinence; since which

period, they have been doing well. Mrs. Bardell let lodgings to many conversable single gentlemen, with

great profit, but never brought any more actions for breach of promise of marriage. Her attorneys, Messrs.

Dodson Fogg, continue in business, from which they realise a large income, and in which they are universally

Sam Weller kept his word, and remained unmarried, for two years. The old housekeeper dying at the end of

that time, Mr. Pickwick promoted Mary to the situation, on condition of her marrying Mr. Weller at once,

which she did without a murmur. From the circumstance of two sturdy little boys having been repeatedly

seen at the gate of the back garden, there is reason to suppose that Sam has some family.

The elder Mr. Weller drove a coach for twelve months, but being afflicted with the gout, was compelled to

retire. The contents of the pocketbook had been so well invested for him, however, by Mr. Pickwick, that he

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had a handsome independence to retire on, upon which he still lives at an excellent publichouse near

Shooter's Hill, where he is quite reverenced as an oracle, boasting very much of his intimacy with Mr.

Mr. Pickwick himself continued to reside in his new house, employing his leisure hours in arranging the

memoranda which he afterwards presented to the secretary of the once famous club, or in hearing Sam Weller

read aloud, with such remarks as suggested themselves to his mind, which never failed to afford Mr.

Pickwick great amusement. He was much troubled at first, by the numerous applications made to him by Mr.

Snodgrass, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Trundle, to act as godfather to their offspring; but he has become used to it

now, and officiates as a matter of course. He never had occasion to regret his bounty to Mr. Jingle; for both

that person and Job Trotter became, in time, worthy members of society, although they have always steadily

objected to return to the scenes of their old haunts and temptations. Mr. Pickwick is somewhat infirm now;

but he retains all his former juvenility of spirit, and may still be frequently seen, contemplating the pictures in

the Dulwich Gallery, or enjoying a walk about the pleasant neighbourhood on a fine day. He is known by all

the poor people about, who never fail to take their hats off, as he passes, with great respect. The children

idolise him, and so indeed does the whole neighbourhood. Every year he repairs to a large family

merrymaking at Mr. Wardle's; on this, as on all other occasions, he is invariably attended by the faithful

Sam, between whom and his master there exists a steady and reciprocal attachment which nothing but death

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5. CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES, page = 9

6. CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCE--THE STROLLER'S TALE--A DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER, page = 28

7. CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUAC--MORE NEW FRIENDS--AN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY, page = 35

8. CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONE--SHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT, page = 42

9. CHAPTER VI. AN OLD-FASHIONED CARD-PARTY--THE CLERGYMAN'S VERSES--THE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN, page = 49

10. CHAPTER VII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON AND KILLING THE CROW, SHOT AT THE CROW AND WOUNDED THE PIGEON; HOW THE DINGLEY DELL CRICKET CLUB PLAYED ALL-MUGGLETON, AND HOW ALL- MUGGLETON DINED AT THE DINGLEY DELL EXPENSE; WITH OTHER INTERESTING AND INSTRUCTIVE MATTERS, page = 58

11. CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY, page = 68

13. CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER, page = 84

14. CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S, page = 95

15. CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY, page = 105

16. CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIES THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT ANCIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH, page = 110

17. CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN, page = 122

18. CHAPTER XV. IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE OF TWO DISTINGUISHED PERSONS; AND AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC BREAKFAST IN THEIR HOUSE AND GROUNDS: WHICH PUBLIC BREAKFAST LEADS TO THE RECOGNITION OF AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ANOTHER CHAPTER, page = 134

20. CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS, page = 159

21. CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES, page = 163

23. CHAPTER XX. SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF BUSINESS, AND THEIR CLERKS MEN OF PLEASURE; AND HOW AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE BETWEEN Mr. WELLER AND HIS LONG-LOST PARENT; SHOWING ALSO WHAT CHOICE SPIRITS ASSEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND STUMP, AND WHAT A CAPITAL CHAPTER THE NEXT ONE WILL BE, page = 182

24. CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT, page = 193

25. CHAPTER XXII. Mr. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE WITH A MIDDLE-AGED LADY IN YELLOW CURL-PAPERS, page = 203

26. CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND Mr. TROTTER, page = 214

27. CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLE-AGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW, page = 220

28. CHAPTER XXV. SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS, HOW MAJESTIC AND IMPARTIAL Mr. NUPKINS WAS; AND HOW Mr. WELLER RETURNED Mr. JOB TROTTER'S SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAME--WITH ANOTHER MATTER, WHICH WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE, page = 231

29. CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK, page = 246

30. CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW, page = 250

31. CHAPTER XXVIII. A GOOD-HUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER, CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF A WEDDING, AND SOME OTHER SPORTS BESIDE: WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAY, EVEN AS GOOD CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELF, ARE NOT QUITE SO RELIGIOUSLY KEPT UP, IN THESE DEGENERATE TIMES, page = 258

33. CHAPTER XXX. HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PROFESSIONS; HOW THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVES ON THE ICE; AND HOW THEIR VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION, page = 277

34. CHAPTER XXXI. WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES LEARNED THEREIN, page = 285

35. CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY Mr. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH, page = 296

36. CHAPTER XXXIII. Mr. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS RESPECTING LITERARY COMPOSITION; AND, ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL, PAYS A SMALL INSTALMENT OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMAN WITH THE RED NOSE, page = 305

37. CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK, page = 316

38. CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY, page = 333

39. CHAPTER XXXVI. THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND TO BE AN AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD, AND A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CALAMITY THAT BEFELL Mr. WINKLE, page = 343

40. CHAPTER XXXVII. HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR Mr. WELLER'S ABSENCE, BY DESCRIBING A SOIREE TO WHICH HE WAS INVITED AND WENT; ALSO RELATES HOW HE WAS ENTRUSTED BY Mr. PICKWICK WITH A PRIVATE MISSION OF DELICACY AND IMPORTANCE, page = 350

41. CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE, page = 360

42. CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR, page = 369

43. CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE, page = 379

44. CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT, page = 387

45. CHAPTER XLII. ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE, OF THE OLD PROVERB, THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MAN ACQUAINTED WITH STRANGE BEDFELLOWS--LIKEWISE CONTAINING Mr. PICKWICK'S EXTRAORDINARY AND STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT TO Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, page = 396

46. CHAPTER XLIII. SHOWING HOW Mr. SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIFFICULTIES, page = 406

47. CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST, page = 416

48. CHAPTER XLIV. DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW BETWEEN Mr. SAMUEL WELLER AND A FAMILY PARTY. Mr. PICKWICK MAKES A TOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE WORLD HE INHABITS, AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT, IN FUTURE, AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE, page = 426

49. CHAPTER XLV. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG, page = 438

50. CHAPTER XLVII. IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS, AND THE TEMPORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGG-- Mr. WINKLE REAPPEARS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES--Mr. PICKWICK'S BENEVOLENCE PROVES STRONGER THAN HIS OBSTINACY, page = 445

51. CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER, page = 453

53. CHAPTER L. HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY, page = 472

54. CHAPTER LI. IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE--TO WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR MATTER OF THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SET DOWN, CONCERNING TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF MIGHT AND POWER, page = 482

55. CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS, page = 493

56. CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF Mr. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER, WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAY'S INN SQUARE--CONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE KNOCK AT Mr. PERKER'S DOOR, page = 501

57. CHAPTER LIV. CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG WHICH CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE TO Mr. SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANS IRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY, page = 511

58. CHAPTER LV. Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER, page = 523

59. CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN Mr. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTS--AN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF- COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY, page = 531

60. CHAPTER LVII. IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED, AND EVERYTHING CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION OF EVERYBODY, page = 541