A Fair Quarrel .....................................................................................................................................................1

Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1

I.i. [Master Russell's house] .....................................................................................................................2

II.i. [Lady Ager's house]........................................................................................................................20

III.i. [A street]........................................................................................................................................38

IV.i. [The Roaring School]....................................................................................................................53

V.i. [Master Russell's house].................................................................................................................78

'Tis but a play, and a play is but a butt, against which many shoot many arrows of envy; 'tis the weaker part,

and how much more noble shall it be in you to defend it. Yet if it be (as some philosophers have left behind

'em) that this megacosm, this great world, is no more than a stage, where every one must act his part, you

shall of necessity have many parttakers, some long, some short, some indifferent, all some; whilst indeed

the players themselves have the least part of it, for I know few that have lands (which are a part of the world),

and therefore no grounded men; but howsoever they serve for mutes, happily they must wear good clothes for

attendance. Yet all have exits, and must all be stripped in the tiringhouse (viz. the grave), for none must

carry anything out of the stock. You see, sir, I write as I speak, and I speak as I am, and that's excuse enough

for me. I did not mean to write an epistle of praise to you; it looks so like a thing I know you love not,

flattery, which you exceedingly hate actively, and unpleasingly accept passively: indeed, I meant to tell you

your own, that is, that this child of the Muses is yours; whoever begat it, 'tis laid to your charge, and (for

aught I know) you must father and keep it too. If it please you, I hope you shall not be ashamed of it neither,

for it has been seen (though I say it) in good companies, and many have said it is a handsome prettyspoken

infant. Now be your own judge: at your leisure look on it, at your pleasure laugh at it; and if you be sorry it is

They come with commission, they say, sir, to taste of your earth; if they like it, they'll turn it into gunpowder.

Sir, betwixt three creditors, Master Leech, Master Swallow, and Master Bonesuck, the debts are a thousand

I'll show her the Cornish hug, sir. [Kisses Jane.] I have kissed you now, sweetheart, and I never do any

My name is Trimtram, forsooth: look, what my master does, I use to do the like. [Attempts to embrace Anne.]

You are deceived, sir; I am not this gentlewoman's servant, to make your courtesy equal.

My name is Chough, a Cornish gentleman; my man's mine own countryman too, i'faith. I warrant you took us

Troth, I do like her, sir, in the way of comparison, to anything that a man would desire: I am as high as the

Mount in love with her already, and that's as far as I can go by land; but I hope to go further by water with her

Wrestle? Nay, and she love wrestling, I'll teach her a trick to overthrow any peevish sickness in London,

Sweet lady, your father says you are a wrestler: if you love that sport, I love you the better. I'faith, I love it as

Not a rag, i'faith. Trimtram, hold my cloak. I'll wrestle a fall with you now; I'll show you a trick that you

I'll ne'er believe that: the hug and the lock between man and woman, with a fair fall, is as sweet an exercise

I say, then, and I'll stand to't, three ounces of wrestling with two hips, a yard of a green gown put together in

[Aside] A match? I'd rather be matched from a musket's mouth and shot unto my death.

I will part at Dartmouth with her, sir. [Kisses Jane] Oh, that thou didst but love wrestling! I would give any

There's three sorts of men that would thank you for 'em, either cutlers, fencers, or players.

What, will you go to school today? You are entered, you know, and your quarterage runs on.

What, to the roaringschool? Pox on't, 'tis such a damnable noise, I shall never attain it neither. I do wonder

they have never a wrestlingschool; that were worth twenty of your fencing or dancingschools.

Well, you must learn to roar here in London; you'll never proceed in the reputation of gallantry else.

Ay, a fire of her touchhole, that cost many a proper man's life since that time; and then the lions, they learnt

it from the guns, living so near 'em; then it was heard to the Bankside, and the bears they began to roar; then

As long as the water runs under London Bridge, or watermen at Westminster Stairs.

Well, I will begin to roar too, since it is in fashion. Oh, Corineus, this was not in thy time! I should have

heard on't by the tradition of mine ancestorsfor I'm sure there were Choughs in thy daysif it had been so.

When Hercules and thou wert on the Olympic Mount together, then was wrestling in request.

Ay, and that mount is now the Mount in Cornwall: Corineus brought it thither under one of his arms, they

Oh, Corineus, my predecessor, that I had but lived in those days to see thee wrestle! On that condition I had

You spreek a most lieben fader, and ich sall do de best of tender nurses to dis infant, my pretty frokin.

You be de witness of de baptim, dat is, as you spreken, de godimother; ich vell forstoor it so.

Much tanks to you all. Dis child is much beloven, and ich sall see much care over it.

Enter the Second [Friend of the Colonel], Usher, etc. [Roarers] with Chough and Trimtram.

Truth, sir, I must needs blame you for a truant, having but one lesson read to you, and neglect so soon; fie, I

[Aside to Trimtram] Take't upon thee, Trim; I'll give three five shillings, as I am a gentleman.

[Aside] I'll see you whipped first! [To Chough] Well, I will too.Faith, sir, I saw he was not perfect, and I

How! Shame, sir? Is it a shame for scholars to learn? Sir, there are great scholars that are but slenderly read in

our profession. Sir, first it must be economical, then ecumenical: shame not to practise in the house how to

perform in the field. The nail that is driven takes a little hold at the first stroke, but more at the second, and

Well, sir, I will hear you rehearse anon; meantime peruse the exemplary of my bills, and tell me in what

language I shall roar a lecture to you, or I'll read to you the mathematical science of roaring.

Oh, sir, does not the winds roar? The sea roar? The welkin roar? Indeed, most things do roar by nature, and is

'The names of the language, the Sclavonian, Parthamenian, Barmeothian, Tyburnian, Wappinganian, or the

modern Londonian: any man or woman that is desirous to roar in any of these languages, in a week they shall

be perfect if they will take pains; so let 'em repair into Holborn to the sign of the Cheat Loaf.'

Now your bill speaks of that I was wondering a good while at, your sign: the loaf looks very like bread,

This house was sometimes a baker's, sir, that served the court, where the bread is called cheat.

Well, sir, choose your languages; and your lectures shall be read, between my usher and myself, for your

better instruction, provided your conditions be performed in the premises beforesaid.

Look you, sir, there's twenty pound in hand, and twenty more I am to pay when I am allowed a sufficient

Sir, one thing I must tell you belongs to my place: you are the youngest scholar, and till another comes under

you, there is a certain garnish belongs to the school, for in our practice we grow to a quarrel, then there must

be wine ready to make all friends, for that's the end of roaring'tis valiant, but harmlessand this charge is

With all my heart, i'faith, and I like it the better because no blood comes on it. Who shall fetch?

So, I'll keep it, and discharge him after the combat. For your practice sake you and your man shall roar him

out on't, for indeed you must pay your debts so, for that's one of the main ends of roaring, and when you have

Observe, sir, we could now roar in the Sclavonian language, but this practice hath been a little sublime, some

hair's breadth or so above your caput; I take it, for your use and understanding both, it were fitter for you to

I'faith, sir, that's for my purpose, for I shall use all my roaring here in London: in Cornwall we are all for

Observe then, sir. But it were necessary you took forth your tables, to note the most difficult points for the

Tutor, tutor, ere you go any further, tell me the English of that. What is a bronstrops, pray?

'Tis much like wrestling, i'faith, for we shake hands ere we begin; now that's to avoid the law, for then if he

throw him a furlong into the ground, he cannot recover himself upon him, because 'twas done in cold

And then we drink afterwards, just in this fashion: wrestling and roaring are as like as can be, i'faith, even

Nay, they are reciprocal, if you mark it, for as there is a great roaring at wrestling, so there is a kind of

True, i'faith, for I have heard 'em roar from the six windmills to Islington; those have been great falls then.

Come, now a brief rehearsal of your other day's lesson, betwixt your man and you, and then for today we

Come, Trimtram. If I be out, tutor, I'll be bold to look in my tables, because I doubt I am scarce perfect.

So, 'tis enough; now conclude in wine. I see you will prove an excellent practitioner: wondrous well

Friend, I will follow thee. I would thou hadst come a little sooner; thou shouldst have seen roaring sport,

I'll tell thee, tutor, I am to marry shortly, but I will defer it a while till I can roar perfectly, that I may get the

How! Pay for tobacco? Away, ye sootymouthed piper! You rusty piece of Martlemas bacon, away!

May thy roll rot, and thy pudding drop in pieces, being sophisticated with filthy urine!

May sergeants dwell on either side of thee to fright away thy twopenny customers!

When thou art dead, mayst thou have no other sheets to be buried in but mouldy tobaccoleaves!

With foul tobaccopipes in their hats instead of rotten rosemary! And last of all, may my man and I live to

[The Colonel discovered lying in a bed, his two Friends attending him.] Enter the Colonel's Sister, meeting

Cava vena. I care but little for his wound i' th' [oesophag], not thus much [snaps his fingers], trust me, but

when they come to diaphragma once, the small intestines, or the spinal medul, or i' th' roots of the

emunctories of the noble parts, then straight I fear a [syncope]; the flanks retiring towards the back, the urine

Now I must tell you his principal dolour lies i' th' region of the liver, and there's both inflammation and

[tumefaction] feared: marry, I made him a [quadrangular] plumation, where I used sanguis draconis, by my

faith, with powders incarnative, which I tempered with oil of hypericon, and other liquors mundificative.

But I purpose, lady, to make another experiment at next dressing with a [sarcotic] medicament made of iris of

Marry, in plain terms I know not what to say to him. The wound, I can assure you, inclines to paralism, and I

find his body cacochymic; being then in fear of fever and inflammation, I nourish him altogether with viands

refrigerative, and give for potion the juice of [sanicula] dissolved with water cerefolium: I could do no more,

'I also require at the hands of my most beloved sister, whom I make full executrix, the disposure of my body

in burial at St. Martin's i' th' Field; and to cause to be distributed to the poor of the same parish forty mark,

and to the hospital of maimed soldiers a hundred; lastly, I give and bequeath to my kind, dear, and virtuous

sister the full possession of my present estate in riches, whether it be in lands, leases, money, goods, plate,

jewels, or what kind soever, upon this condition following, that she forthwith tender both herself and all these

Hark [off] these hardhearted bloodhounds! These butchers are e'en as merciless as their dogs: they knock

And the captain here, that should defend us, walks by like John of the appleloft.

What for interjections, Priss? Hem, evax, vah! Let the carnifexes scour their throats! Thou knowest there is a

curse hangs over their bloody heads: this year there shall be more butchers' pricks burnt than of all trades

As thou camest to be a bawd, Meg, and Priss to be a whore; every one by their deserts.

Bawd and whore? Out, you unprofitable rascal! Hast not thou been at the new play yet, to teach thee better

manners? Truly they say they are the finest players, and good speakers of gentlewomen of our quality: bawd

and whore is not mentioned amongst 'em, but the handsomest narrowmouthed names they have for us, that

Prithee, patroness, let's go see a piece of that play; if we shall have good words for our money, 'tis as much as

Let's go now, sweet face; I am acquainted with one of the pantomimics. The bulchins will use the Irish

Sirrah Captain Albo, I doubt you are but whitelivered: look that you defend us valiantly, you know your

Ay, servant, and I shall never forget it till I use him so again. Do you remember, Captain?

Ay, sir, I have 'em here. I'll practise to swim too, sir, and then I may roar with the water at London Bridge: he

Well, I'll venture to swim too: if my fatherinlaw gives me a good dowry with his daughter, I shall hold up

Peace, sir; here's practice for our roaring: here's a centaur and two hippocrenes.

I pray you, Captain, be contented; the gentlemen seem to give us very good words.

'Sault you the women, I'll pepper him till he stinks again. I perceive what countryman he is; let me alone with

Foh, 'tis poison to my country; the slave has eaten pippins! Oh, shoot no more, turn both thy broadsides rather

than thy poop! 'Tis foul play: my country breeds no poison. I yield; the great O'Toole shall yield on these

Then thus far we bring home conquest. Follow me, Captain; the cyclops doth command.

Anything, sweet gentlemen. Will 't please you to lead to the tavern, where we'll make all friends?

Stay, Trim; I have heard your tweaks are like your mermaids, they have sweet voices to entice the

We'll serve 'em as we did the tobaccoman, lay a curse upon 'em; marry, we'll lay it on gently, because they

For thee, oh, pander, mayst thou trudge till the damned soles of thy boots fleet into dirt, but never rise into

Next, mayst thou fleet so long from place to place, till thou beest kicked out of Fleet Street!

When thou art dead, may twenty whores follow thee, that thou mayst go a squire to thy grave!

For thee, old sindicus, may I see thee ride in a caroche with two wheels, and drawn with one horse!

Now for thee, little fucus: mayst thou first serve out thy time as a tweak, and then become a bronstrops, as

Mayst thou have a reasonable good spring, for thou art like to have many dangerous foul falls!

Nay, I'll serve 'em as we did the tobaccoman: I'll bury 'em altogether, and give 'em an epitaph.

Alas, he has kept the door all his lifetime; for pity let 'em lie together in their graves.

Well, Meg, I will learn to roar, and still maintain the name of captain over these lancepresadoes.

My master, sir, is to be married this morning, and cannot be within while soon at night.

A right physician! You would have none go to the church nor churchyard till you send them thither: well, if

death do not spare you yourselves he deals hardly with you, for you are better benefactors and send more to

I come, sir. Hark you, you may hear him: he's upon the spur, and would fain mount the saddle of matrimony;

Yes, sir, I have practised what to do before now; I would be ashamed to be married else: I have seen a

What she wants in honour shall be made up in worship, sir; money will purchase both.

Yes, faith, a whore's free enough, and she hath a conscience. Is she a whore? Foot, I warrant she has the pox

A bastard? 'Snails, there's great suspicion she's a whore then! I'll wrestle a fall with her father for putting this

I'll burn all the rosemary to sweeten the house, for in my conscience 'tis infected. Has she drunk bastard? If

she would piss me wine vinegar now nine times a day, I'd never have her, and I thank you too.

Come, will you come away, sir? They have all rosemary, and stay for you to lead the way.

I'll not be married today, Trimtram. Hast e'er an almanac about thee? This is the nineteenth of August: look

I pray you, sir, there will be charges for new rosemary else; this will be withered by tomorrow.

Make a bonfire on't to sweeten Rosemary Lane. Prithee, Trim, entreat my fatherinlaw that might have been

The bride cries already and looks t'other way; and you be so backward too, we shall have a fine arseward

Yes, but I do; if she make a fool of me, I'll ne'er make her my wife till she have her maidenhead again.

Do you, sir? Then I defy thee too: fight with us both at once in this quarrel, if thou darest!

Or at Maidenhead in Berkshire. And did I come in by Maidenhead to go out by Staines? Oh, that man,

Law, that's worse than I told thee; I said she had borne a bastard, and he says she was the mother on't too.

Must we not believe our physicians? Pray you, think I know as much as every fool does.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! By my troth, I'd spend a shilling on that condition to hear that. I think in my conscience I shall

take the physician in a lie: if the child call her mother before it can speak, I'll never wrestle while I live again.

It must be a she child if it do, sir; and those speak the soonest of any living creatures, they say.

Do they, Dick? Let 'em have wine and sugar; we'll be for 'em presently. But hark, Dick. [Whispers to him.]

I long to hear this child speak, i'faith, Trim; I would this foolish physician would come [at] once.

Phew, that's not the point: you promised us the child should call her mother; if it does this month, I'll ne'er go

I'll not have her, i'faith, sir; if Trimtram will have her, and he will, let him.

Who, I, sir? I scorn it. If you'll have her, I'll have her too; I'll do as you do, and no otherwise.

[Taking Trimtram aside] I have not the heart to see this gentleman gulled so; I will reveal. I make it mine

I'll break my hilts rather than conceal. I have a trick: do thou follow me; I will reveal it, and yet not speak it

Take her e'en to you with all her moveables; I'll wear my bachelors' buttons still.

So will I, i'faith; they are the best flowers in any man's garden, next to heart'sease.

By my troth, the old man has gulled himself finely! Well, sir, I'll bid myself a guest, though not a groom; I'll

Enter Captain Ager, Surgeon, Lady Ager, Colonel's Sister, [Captain Ager's] two Friends.

May I be excluded quite out of Surgeons' Hall else! Marry, I must tell you the wound was fain to be twice

corroded; 'twas a plain [gastrorrhaphy], and a deep one; but I closed the lips on't with bandages and sutures,

which is a kind conjunction of the parts separated against the course of nature.

I feared him, I assure you, Captain; before the suture in the belly, it grew almost to a convulsion, and there

And if your worship at any time stand in need of incision, if it be your fortune to light into my hands, I'll give