THE SATYRICON.............................................................................................................................................1

PETRONIUS...........................................................................................................................................1

Translated and Introduced by ALFRED R. ALLINSON...........................................................1

Tacitus writes (Annals, XVI. Chapters 17 and 1820, A.D. 66): "Within a few days, indeed, there perished in

one and the same batch, Annaeus Mela, Cerialis Anicius, Rufius Crispinus and Petronius. . . . With regard to

Caius Petronius, his character and life merit a somewhat more particular attention. He passed his days in

sleep, and his nights in business, or in joy and revelry. Indolence was at once his passion and his road to

fame. What others did by vigor and industry, he accomplished by his love of pleasure and luxurious ease.

Unlike the men who profess to understand social enjoyment, and ruin their fortunes, he led a life of expense,

without profusion; an epicure, yet not a prodigal; addicted to his appetites, but with taste and judgment; a

refined and elegant voluptuary. Gay and airy in his conversation, he charmed by a certain graceful

negligence, the more engaging as it flowed from the natural frankness of his disposition. With all this

delicacy and careless ease, he showed, when he was Governor of Bithynia, and afterwards in the year of his

Consulship, that vigor of mind and softness of manners may well unite in the same person. With his love of

sensuality he possessed talents for business. From his public station he returned to his usual gratifications,

fond of vice, or of pleasures that bordered upon it. His gayety recommended him to the notice of the Prince.

Being in favor at Court, and cherished as the companion of Nero in all his select parties, he was allowed to be

the arbiter of taste and elegance. Without the sanction of Petronius nothing was exquisite, nothing rare or

"Hence the jealousy of Tigellinus, who dreaded a rival in the good graces of the Emperor almost his equal; in

the science of luxury his superior. Tigellinus determined to work his downfall; and accordingly addressed

himself to the cruelty of the Prince, that master passion, to which all other affections and every motive

were sure to give way. He charged Petronius with having lived in close intimacy with Scaevinus, the

conspirator; and to give color to that assertion, he bribed a slave to turn informer against his master. The rest

of the domestics were loaded with irons. Nor was Petronius suffered to make his defense.

"Nero at that time happened to be on one of his excursions into Campania. Petronius had followed him as far

as Cumae, but was not allowed to proceed further than that place. He scorned to linger in doubt and fear, and

yet was not in a hurry to leave a world which he loved. He opened his veins, and closed them again, at

intervals losing a small quantity of blood, then binding up the orifice, as his own inclination prompted. He

conversed during the whole time with his usual gayety, never changing his habitual manner, nor talking

sentences to show his contempt of death. He listened to his friends, who endeavored to entertain him, not

with grave discourses on the immortality of the soul or the moral wisdom of philosophers, but with strains of

poetry and verses of a gay and natural turn. He distributed presents to some of his servants, and ordered

others to be chastised. He walked out for his amusement, and even lay down to sleep. In this last scene of his

life he acted with such calm tranquillity, that his death, though an act of necessity, seemed no more than the

decline of nature. In his will he scorned to follow the example of others, who like himself died under the

tyrant's stroke; he neither flattered the Emperor nor Tigellinus nor any of the creatures of the Court. But

having written, under the fictitious names of profligate men and women, a narrative of Nero's debauchery and

his new modes of vice, he had the spirit to send to the Emperor that satirical romance, sealed with his own

seal, which he took care to break, that after his death it might not be used for the destruction of any person

"Nero saw with surprise his clandestine passions and the secrets of his midnight revels laid open to the world.

To whom the discovery was to be imputed still remained a doubt. Amidst his conjectures, Silia, who by her

marriage with a Senator had risen into notice, occurred to his memory. This woman had often acted as

procuress for the libidinous pleasures of the Prince, and lived besides in close intimacy with Petronius. Nero

concluded that she had betrayed him, and for that offense ordered her into banishment, making her a sacrifice

Two questions arise out of this famous passage: 1. Is Petronius (Arbiter), author of the Satyricon, the same

person as the Caius Petronius here described, and spoken of by the Historian as "elegantiae arbiter" at the

Court of Nero? 2. Is the existing Satyricon the "satirical romance" composed by the Emperor's victim during

Both points have been long and vigorously debated, but may now be taken as fairly well settled by general

The Introductory Notice to Petronius, in the noble "Collection des Auteurs Latins," edited by M. Nisard,

sums up the controversy thus: "Is Petronius, here mentioned by Tacitus, the Author of the Satyricon, and are

we to regard this work as being the testamentary document addressed to Nero of which the Historian

speaks?" These two questions so long and eagerly disputed, may be looked upon as decided by this time. The

Consular, the favorite of Nero, the "arbiter of taste and elegance" at the Imperial Court, is generally

acknowledged to be our Petronius Arbiter; whose book, diversified as it is with "strains of poetry and verses

of a gay and natural turn," with its tone of good company and its easygoing Epicurean morality, is so much

in keeping with the cheerful, uncomplaining death of the pleasureloving courtier who understood his

master's little peculiarities, and had, like Trimalchio, adopted for his motto, "Vivamus, dum licet esse,"

"Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die." At any rate in our own opinion, this first point is finally and

"Can this satire (The Satyricon) be the testament of irony and hate which the victim sent to his executioner?

To this further question we answer No! and our personal conviction on the point is shared by the most

weighty authorities. We will limit ourselves here to one or two observations. According to Tacitus, Petronius

had already caused his veins to be opened, when he started to recapitulate the series of Nero's debaucheries in

this deposition. The document therefore must necessarily have been brief; whereas the work we possess, too

extensive as it stands to have been composed by a dying man, was originally of much greater length, for it

seems proved by the titles affixed to the Manuscripts that nearly ninetenths of the whole is lost. Besides,

Petronius had expressly limited his statement to an account of Nero's secret debaucheries, with no further

disguise beyond the use of fictitious names, 'under the names of profligate men and women.' Lastly the

extremely varied character of the Work is diametrically opposed to a view, making it out to have been a

personal libel, a piece of abuse that only stops short of giving the actual name of the individual pilloried."

What is known of Petronius himself, the man Petronius? Granting an affirmative answer may be given to

His name was Caius Petronius; he was a Roman Eques or Knight, born at Massilia (Marseilles). Even these

initial points are not quite firmly established; Pliny and Plutarch speak of Titus Petronius, and the facts of his

being an Eques and his birth at Marseilles rest on conjectural evidence. He was successively Proconsul of

Bithynia, and Consul, in both which high offices he showed integrity, energy and ability.

He was in high favor at the Court of Nero, where he devoted his undoubted talents and genial wit to the

amusement of the Prince, the systematic cultivation of an elegant and luxurious idleness and the elaboration

of a refined profligacy. He won the title among his fellow courtiers of "arbiter elegantiae," a nickname that

with time appears to have grown into a sort of surname, posterity knowing him universally as Petronius

Eventually he incurred the jealousy and enmity of Nero's allpowerful Minister, Tigellinus, who contrived

his ruin. Informed against for conspiracy, or at any rate association with conspirators, he voluntarily opened

his veins. Displaying much fortitude and a fine indifference, he died calmly and composedly, spending his

last hours in merry conversation with his friends, the recitation of lighthearted verses and the composition of

a candid and circumstantial account of the Emperor's debaucheries, which he sent under seal to his Master as

Pliny (1) and Plutarch (2) add further touch, that previous to his death he broke to pieces a Murrhine vase of

priceless value, which was amongst his possessions, to prevent its falling into the tyrant's hands.

As to his great work, the socalled Satyricon, its characteristics and place in literature, we cannot do better

than quote from what Professor Ramsey says of it in the "Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography": "A

very singular production, consisting of a prose narrative interspersed with numerous pieces of poetry, and

thus resembling in form the Varronian Satire, has come down to us in a sadly mutilated state. In the oldest

MSS. and the earliest editions it bears the title Petronii Arbitri Saturicon, and as it now exists, is composed of

a series of fragments, the continuity of the piece being frequently interrupted by blanks, and the whole

forming but a very small portion of the original, which, when entire, contained at least sixteen books, and

probably many more. It is a sort of comic romance, in which the adventures of a certain Encolpius and his

companions in the south of Italy, chiefly in Naples or its environs, are made a vehicle for exposing the false

taste which prevailed upon all matters connected with literature and the fine arts, and for holding up to

ridicule and detestation the folly, luxury and dishonesty of all classes of the community in the age and

country in which the scene is laid. A great variety of characters connected for the most part with the lower

ranks of life are brought upon the stage, and support their parts with the greatest liveliness and dramatic

propriety, while every page overflows with ironical wit and broad humor. Unfortunately the vices of the

personages introduced are depicted with such minute fidelity that we are perpetually disgusted by the

coarseness and obscenity of the descriptions. Indeed, if we can believe that such a book was ever widely

circulated and generally admired, that fact alone would afford the most convincing proof of the pollution of

"The longest and most important section is generally known as the Supper of Trimalchio, presenting us with a

detailed and very amusing account of a fantastic banquet, such as the most luxurious and extravagant

gourmands of the empire were wont to exhibit on their tables. Next in interest is the wellknown tale of the

Ephesian Matron, which here appears for the first time among the popular fictions of the Western world,

although current from a very early period in the remote regions of the East. . . . The longest of the effusions in

verse is a descriptive poem on the Civil Wars, extending to 295 hexameter lines, affording a good example of

that declamatory tone of which the Pharsalia is the type. We have also 65 iambic trimeters, depicting the

capture of Troy (Troiae Halosis), and besides these several shorter morsels are interspersed replete with grace

Teuffel in his masterly "History of Roman Literature" is brief, but to the point, in what he says of the

Satyricon: "To Nero's time belongs also the characternovel of Petronius Arbiter, no doubt the same

Petronius whom Nero (A.D. 66) compelled to kill himself. Originally a large work in at least 20 books, with

accounts of various adventures supposed to have taken place during a journey, it now consists of a heap of

fragments, the most considerable of which is the Cena Trimalchionis, being the description of a feast given

by a rich and uneducated upstart. Though steeped in obscenity, this novel is not only highly important for the

history of manners and language, especially the plebeian speech, but it is also a work of art in its way, full of

spirit, fine insight into human nature, wit of a high order and genial humor. In its form it is a satira Menippea,

in which the metrical pieces interspersed contain chiefly parodies of certain fashions of taste."

"The narrator and hero of the romance," Nisard writes in his Preliminary Notice to "Petronius," "is a sort of

Guzman d'Alfarache, a young profligate, over head and ears in debt, without either fortune, or family, and

reduced, with all his brilliant qualitites, to live from hand to mouth by dint of a series of more or less

hazardous expedients. The pictures he draws with such a bold and lifelike touch change and shift without

plan or purpose, following each other with the same abrupt inconsequence we observe in real life; and we are

strongly tempted to conclude Petronius has largely depicted in them the actual phases of his own, that of a

selfmade adventurer, appropriating as his own with extraordinary success the tone of persiflage and the

ironical outlook on existence of a man of high birth and station. With equal ease he sounds the most

contradictory notes. Verse and prose, precepts of rhetoric and of ethics, scenes of profligate indulgence,

comic descriptions of a feast where luxury is carried to ludicrous extremes, anecdotes told in the happiest

manner, notably the worldfamous tale of the Ephesian Matron, epic poetry even, love letters and love talk

breathing a refined, almost chivalric, spirit, such is the strange fabric of this drama, at once passionate,

derisive, fanfaronading, tragic and burlesque, where the grand style and the most graceful narrative tread on

"Petronius' book belongs essentially to the class of Satirae Menippeae, of which Varro had given the first

example in the works he composed in imitation of the Greek Menippus, and of which Seneca's

All critics agree upon the excellence of the Satyricon as a work of art, though many take exception to the

grossness of the subject matter. Indeed there can be no two opinions as to the brilliancy and refinement of our

Author's style generally; while the vivid picturesqueness of the narrative on the one hand, and the perfect

adaptation of the language to the rank and idiosyncrasy of the interlocutors on the other, are particularly

noteworthy. "The very criticisms which have been launched against Petronius are mingled with admiring

panegyric which a due regard for truth has forced from his assailants; and in the mouth of an enemy, praise

counts for much more than blame. Even the barbarisms and vulgarities of expressions that at times seem to

disfigure his style, are in the eyes of Menage the perfection of art and appropriateness; he puts them only in

the mouths of servants and debuachees devoid of any touch of refinement. Note on the other hand with what

elegance he makes his wellborn characters speak. Petronius assigns to each one of his actors the language

most suited to him. This is a merit precious in direct ratio to its rarity; the shadows with which a skillful

painter darkens his canvas, only serve to bring out in more startling relief the beauties of the picture. Justus

Lipsius epigrammatically styles him auctor purissimae impuritatis." (Heguin de Guerle.)

The first thing to strike us is the brilliancy and liveliness of the book fragmentary as is the condition in

which it has come down to us as a Novel of Adventure. The reader is hurried on, his interest forever on the

stretch, from episode to episode of the exciting, and more often than not scandalous, adventures of the

disreputable band of lighthearted gentlemen of the road, whose leader is that most audacious and

irresponsible of amiable scamps, Encolpius, the narrator of the moving tale. With the exception of the six

chapters devoted to describing the glories and absurdities of Trimalchio's Feast, which form a long episode

apart, and a most entertaining one, the action never pauses. From lectureroom to house of ill fame, from

country mansion to country tavern, from the market for stolen goods in a city slum to the Chapel of Priapus,

from a harlot's palace to a rich parvenu's table, from Picture Gallery to the public baths, from ship and

shipwreck to a luxurious life of imposture in a wealthy provincial town, we are hurried along in breathless

haste. The pace is tremendous, but the road bristles with hairbreadth escapes and stirring incidents, and is

never for one instant dull or tame. Probably the nearest parallel in other literatures is the socalled picaresque

romances of Spain, of which Don Pablo de Segovia; Lazarillo de Tormes; and, if we regard it of Spanish

origin, the incomparable Gil Blas de Santillana, may be taken as typical examples.

A mere Novel of Adventure then? Not so! The Satyricon is this; but it is a great deal besides. It abounds in

clearsighted and instructive apercus on education, literature and art, and contemporary deficiencies in these

domains; its prose is interspersed with many brilliant fragments of verse, mostly parodies and burlesques,

some ludicrous, some beautiful. Over and above its merits as a tale, it is a copious literary miscellany,

Last but not least, this work of fine, if irregular, genius contains probably the most lifelike and discriminating

character painting in the realm of everyday life to be found in all the range of ancient literature. To appreciate

this, it is only necessary to name three or four of the principal dramatis personae:

Encolpius, the gay, unprincipled profligate, but never altogether worthless, narrator of the story;

Ascyltos, his comrade and rival, as immoral and good for nothing as the other, but without his redeeming

Giton, the minion, changeable and capricious, with his pretty face and wheedling ways;

Lichas, the overbearing and vindictive merchant and Seacaptain; Quartilla, the lascivious and unscrupulous

votary of Priapus; Circe, the lovely "femme incomprise" of Croton; and finally, the never to be forgotten

Eumolpus, the mad poet, the disreputable and starving pedant, at once "childlike and bland" with an ineffable

naivete of simple conceit, and frankly given up to the pursuit of the most abominable immoralities, now

bolting from the shower of stones his ineradicable propensity for reciting his own poetry has provoked, now

composing immortal verse, calm amid the horrors of storm and wreck and utterly oblivious of impending

Another point, the admirably clever adaptation of the language to the social position and character of the

persons speaking, merits a word or two more. While both the general narrative, and the conversation of the

educated dramatis personae, Eumolpus for instance, are marked by a high degree of correctness of diction

and elegance of phrase, the talk of such characters as Trimalchio and his freedmen friends, Habinnas and the

rest, and other uneducated or halfeducated persons, is full not merely of vulgarisms and popular words, but

of positive blunders and downright bad grammar. These mistakes of course are intentional, and it is only

another proof of the lack of humor and want of common sense that often marked the industrious and

meritorious scholars, particularly German scholars, of the old school, that some commentators have actually

gone out of their way to correct these errors in the text of Petronius. There are hundreds of them; two or three

examples must suffice here. Libra rubricata says Trimalchio (Ch. VII. xlvi), meaning libros rubricatos,

"lawbooks," and vetuo "I forbid," while his guests indulge in such glaring solecisms as malus fatus,

exhortavit, naufragarunt. The whole of Chapter VII., where Trimalchio's guests converse freely with one

another in the temporary absence of their host, and afterwards Trimalchio harangues the company on various

From the philologist's point of view the book is particularly valuable as containing almost our only specimens

of the Roman popular, country speech, the lingua Romana rusticana, so all important as the link between

literary Latin and the Romance languages of modern Europe. Two or three examples again must suffice:

minutus populus, exactly the modern French "le menu peuple," urceatim plovebat, "it rained in bucketfuls,"

non est miscix, "he's no shirker," bono filo est, "he has good stuff in him." It is also a storehouse of popular

saws and sayings, sometimes of a fine, vigorous outspokenness, not to say coarseness of expression, such as:

caldum meiire et frigidum potare, "to piss hot and drink cold"; sudor per bifurcam volabat, "the sweat was

pouring down between my legs"; lassus tanquam caballus in clivo, "as tired as a carthorse at a hill."

"In addition to the corruptions in the text," says Professor Ramsay, "which are so numerous and hopeless as

to render whole sentences unintelligible, there are doubtless a multitude of strange words and of phrases not

elsewhere to be found; but this circumstance need excite no surprise when we remember the various topics

which fall under discussion, and the singular personages grouped together on the scene. The most remarkable

and startling peculiarities may be considered as the phraseology appropriate to the characters by whom they

are uttered, the language of ordinary conversation, the familiar slang in everyday use among the hybrid

population of Campania, closely resembling in all probability the dialect of the Atellan farces. On the other

hand, wherever the author may be supposed to be speaking in his own person, we are deeply impressed by the

extreme felicity of the style, which, far from bearing marks of decrepitude or decay, is redolent of spirit,

As to the text, the following remarks by Professor Ramsay, give a complete statement which it is impossible

to improve upon. "Many attempts," he writes, "have been made to account for the strangely mutilated

condition in which the piece has been transmitted to modern times. It has been suggested by some that the

blanks were caused by the scruples of pious transcribers, who omitted those parts which were most licentious;

while others have not hesitated to declare their conviction that the worst passages were studiously selected.

Without meaning to advocate this last hypothesis and we can scarcely believe that Burmann was in earnest

when he propounded it it is clear that the first explanation is altogether unsatisfactory, for it appears to be

impossible that what was passed over could have been more offensive than much of what was retained.

According to another theory, what we now possess must be regarded as striking and favorite extracts, copied

out into the commonplace book of some scholar in the Middle Ages; a supposition applicable to the Supper

of Trimalchio and the longer poetical essays, but which fails for the numerous short and abrupt fragments

breaking off in the middle of a sentence. The most simple solution of the difficulty seems to be the true one.

The existing MS. proceeded, in all likelihood, from two or three archetypes, which may have been so much

damaged by neglect that large portions were rendered illegible, while whole leaves and sections may have

"The Editio Princeps of the fragments of Petronius was printed at Venice, by Bernardinus de Vitalibus, 1499;

and the second at Leipzig, by Jacobus Thanner, in 1500; but these editions, and those which followed for

upwards of a hundred and fifty years, exhibited much less than we now possess. For, about the middle of the

seventeenth century, an individual who assumed the designation of Martinus Statilius, although his real name

was Petrus Petitus, found a MS. at Traun in Dalmatia, containing nearly entire the Supper of Trimalchio,

which was wanting in all former copies. This was published separately at Padua, in a very incorrect state, in

1664, without the knowledge of the discoverer, again by Petitus himself at Paris, in the same year, and

immediately gave rise to a fierce controversy, in which the most learned men of that day took a share, one

party receiving it without suspicion as a genuine relic of antiquity, while their opponents, with great

vehemence, contended that it was spurious. The strife was not quelled until the year 1669, when the MS. was

dispatched from the Library of the proprietor, Nicolaus Cippius, at Traun, to Rome, where, having been

narrowly scrutinized by the most competent judges, it was finally pronounced to be at least three hundred

years old, and, since no forgery of such a nature could have been executed at that epoch, the skeptics were

compelled reluctantly to admit that their doubts were ill founded. The title of the Codex, commonly known as

the Codex Traguriensis, was Petronii Arbitri Satyri Fragmenta ex libro quinto decimo et sexto decimo, and

"Stimulated, it would appear, by the interest excited during the progress of this discussion, and by the favor

with which the new acquisition was now universally regarded by scholars, a certain Francis Nodot published

at Rotterdam, in 1693, what professed to be the Satyricon of Petronius complete, taken, it was said, from a

MS. found at Belgrade, when that city was captured in 1688, a MS. which Nodot declared had been presented

to him by a Frenchman high in the Imperial service. The fate of this volume was soon decided. The imposture

was so palpable that few could be found to advocate the pretensions put forth on its behalf, and it was soon

given up by all. It is sometimes, however, printed along with the genuine text, but in a different type, so as to

prevent the possibility of mistake. Besides this, a pretended fragment, said to have been obtained from the

monastery of St. Gall, was printed in 1800, with notes and a French translation by Lallemand, but it seems to

In the present version the portions of the narrative derived from this alleged Belgrade MS. are not specially

distinguished from the genuine text; this is done advisedly, in order not to interrupt the continuity of the

story. This does not of course for a moment imply that these interpolations are regarded as other than

spurious, but as they are both amusing reading in themselves as well as admirable imitations of our Author's

style, and supply obvious lacunae in the plot, making the whole book more interesting and coherent, they

We append three or four extracts bearing upon Petronius and the Satyricon, and interesting either on account

of the source from which they come, the quaintness of their expression, or the weight of their authority.

From the "Age of Petronius," by Charles Beck, 1856: "Among the small number of Latin writers of prose

fiction, Petronius, the author of the Satyricon, occupies a prominent place. . . . As to this book, the quality of

its language and style and the nature of its contents constitute it one of the most interesting and important

"The work, at least the portion which has come down to us, contains the adventures of a dissipated,

unprincipled, but clever, cultivated and wellinformed young man, Encolpius, the hero himself being the

narrator. The book opens with a discussion on the defects of the existing system of education, in which the

shortcomings of both teachers and parents are pointed out. Next follows a scene in the Forum, in which the

hero and his companion, Ascyltos, are concerned, and which exhibits some of the abuses connected with

judicial proceedings. After a brief and passing mention of the vices and hypocrisy of the priests, the highly

interesting portion containing an account of the banquet of Trimalchio follows. This is succeeded by the

account of the acquaintance which the hero, disappointed and dispirited by the faithless conduct of his

companion, forms with a philosopher, Eumolpus, who besides discussing some subjects relating to art,

especially painting, and to literature, gives an account of his infamous proceedings in corrupting the son of a

family in whose house he had been hospitably received. The hero accepts the invitation of the philosopher to

accompany him on an excursion to Tarentum. The account of the voyage, of the discovery made by

Encolpius that he is on board a vessel owned by a person whose vengeance he had just ground to apprehend,

of his fruitless attempt to escape detection, of the reconciliation of the hostile parties, and of the destruction

of the vessel and the greater portion of the passengers by shipwreck, is full of interest. The hero and his

immediate companions, being the only persons that escaped death, make their way to Croton, where

Eumolpus, by representing himself as the owner of valuable and extensive possessions in Africa, works so

upon the avarice and cupidity of the inhabitants, who are described as a set of legacyhunters by profession,

that he meets with the most hospitable reception. An intrigue of the hero with a beautiful lady of the city

occupies a large part of this section of the story. The book closes with an account of the measures which

Eumolpus takes for the purpose of avoiding the detection of his fraud, by working anew upon the avarice of

his hosts. The close is abrupt as the beginning had been; the book is incomplete in both parts; the end, as well

"That the author of this work was a man of genius is unquestionable. The narrative of the events of the story

is simple, exciting, without exhausting, the interest of the reader, the description of customs, chiefly those

of the middle classes of society, is invaluable to the antiquarian, and the importance of the work in this

respect can scarcely be overrated; the personages introduced into the story are drawn with such a clearness of

perception of their characteristics, and such an accuracy of portraiture, extending to the very peculiarities of

the language used by each, that they appear to live and breathe and move before our eyes."

From John Dunlop's History of Fiction: "The most celebrated fable of ancient Rome is the work of Petronius

Arbiter, perhaps the most remarkable fiction which has dishonored the literature of any nation. It is the only

fable of that period now extant, but is a strong proof of the monstrous corruption of the times in which such a

production could be tolerated, though no doubt writings of bad moral tendency might be circulated before the

invention of printing, without arguing the depravity they would have evinced, if presented to the world

"The work of Petronius is in the form of a satire, and, according to some commentators, is directed against

the vices of the court of Nero, who is thought to be delineated under the names of Trimalchio and

Agamemnon, an opinion which has been justly ridiculed by Voltaire. The satire is written in a manner

which was first introduced by Varro; verses are intermixed with prose, and jests with serious remark. It has

much the air of a romance, both in the incidents and their disposition; but the story is too well known, and too

"The scene is laid in Magna Graecia; Encolpius is the chief character in the work, and the narrator of

events; he commences by a lamentation on the decline of eloquence, and while listening to the reply of

Agamemnon, a professor of oratory, he loses his companion, Ascyltos. Wandering through the town in search

of him, he is finally conducted by an old woman to a retirement where the incidents that occur are analogous

to the scene. The subsequent adventures, the feast of Trimalchio, the defection and return of Giton,

the amour of Eumolpus in Bithynia, the voyage in the vessel of Lichas, the passion and disappointment

of Circe, all these follow each other without much art of arrangement, an apparent defect which may arise

"The style of Petronius has been much applauded for its elegance, it certainly possesses considerable

From Addison's Preface to his Translation of Petronius: "'Petronius,' says that judicious critic, Mons. St.

Evremond, 'is to be admired throughout, for the purity of his style and the delicacy of his sentiments; but that

which more surprises me, is his great easiness in giving us ingenuously all sorts of Characters. Terence is

perhaps the only author of Antiquity that enters best into the nature of persons. But still this fault I find in

him, that he has too little variety; his whole talent being confined in making servants and old men, a covetous

father and a debauched son, a slave and an intriguer, to speak properly, according to their several characters.

So far, and no farther, the capacity of Terence reaches. You must not expect from him either gallantry or

passion, either thoughts or the discourse of a gentleman. Petronius, who had a universal wit, hits upon the

genius of all professions, and adapts himself, as he pleases, to a thousand different natures. If he introduces a

Declaimer, he assumes his air and his style so well, that one could say he had used to declaim all his life.

Nothing expresses more naturally the constant disorders of a debauched life than these everlasting quarrels of

"Is not Quartilla an admirable portrait of a prostitute woman? Does not the marriage of young Giton and

"All that a sot ridiculously magnificent in banquets, a vain affecter of niceness, and an impertinent, are able

"Eumolpus shows us Nero's extravagant folly for the Theater, and his vanity in reciting his own poems; and

you may observe, as you run over so many noble verses, of which he makes an ill use, that an excellent poet

may be a very ill man. . . . The infirmity he has of making verses out of season, even at death's door; his

fluentness in repeating his compositions in all places and at all times, answers his most ridiculous setting out,

where he characteristically tells him, "I am a Poet, and I hope, of no ordinary genius.' . . .

"There is nothing so natural as the character of Chrysis, and none of our confidantes come near her. Not to

mention her first conversation with Polyaenus, what she tells him of her mistress, upon the affront she

received, has an inimitable simplicity. But nobody, besides Petronius, could have described Circe, so

beautiful, so voluptuous, and so polite. Enothea, the Priestess of Priapus, ravishes me with the miracles she

promises, with her enchantments, her sacrifices, her sorrow for the death of the consecrated goose, and the

manner in which she is pacified when Polyaenus makes her a present, with which she might purchase a goose

"Philumena, that complaisant lady, is no less entertaining, who after she had cullied several men out of their

estates, in the flower of her beauty, now being old and by consequence unfit for pleasures, endeavored to

keep up this noble trade by the means of her children, whom she took every opportunity to introduce with a

"In a word, there is no part of Nature, no profession, which Petronius doth not admirably paint. He is a Poet,

Lastly Teufel, writing of the Satyricon in Pauly's Encyclopedia, says: "The whole plan of the work is that of a

novel; two freedmen, Encolpius and Ascyltos, are enamored of a boy Giton, and the adventures which have

their origin in this circumstance, and which they encounter severally, the acquaintances which they make (for

instance of Trimalchio and Eumolpus), form the contents at least of that portion of the book which has come

down to us. But the book contains in this dress of a narrative, descriptions of manners, partly of single places

(for example of Croton), partly of certain classes (for example of Trimalchio, a rich upstart, who apes the

manners of a refined man of the world, but exposes himself most ridiculously, of Encolpius, a goodnatured,

cowardly and licentious Greek, of Eumolpus, a vain and tasteless poet, and at the same time a thoroughly

demoralized preacher of virtue), all drawn with masterly truthfulness even to the minutest detail. The tone is

humorous throughout; the dramatis personae act and speak, even in the most offensive circumstances, with an

openness, unconcern and selfsatisfaction, as if they had the most undoubted right to be and think as they do;

at the same time, a vein of gentle irony pervades the whole, which indicates the author's moral independence

and higher standpoint, as well as his sincere gratification at the amusing and filthy scenes which he describes;

he accompanies his heroes at every step with a smile on his lips and a low laugh. The work belongs therefore,

by its contents as well as its tone, to the department of satire, resembling in tone Horace, in form the

"For not only does the language occasionally pass over from prose to verse (limping iambs and trochees), but

entire poems of greater extent are interwoven (Troiae Halosis and Bellum Civile), which are usually put in

the mouth of Eumolpus, and which always have a satirical object, sometimes a double one, as in the case with

the Bellum Civile, which ridicules Lucan, as well as his opponents personified by Eumolpus, the writer with

genuine humor placing himself above both, and dealing against both his blows with impartial justice. The

language is always suited to the character of the persons speaking, elegant in Encolpius, bombastic in

Trimalchio. The language put in the mouth of the last is for us an invaluable specimen of the lingua Romana

rustica, as it obtained in that part of Italy where the scene is laid, in Campania, and especially Naples. In

conformity with the originally Greek character of this region, the language of Trimalchio and his companions

is full of Greek words and Grecisms of the boldest kind (such as coupling the neuter plural with the verb in

the singular). Characteristic of the local dialect are the many archaisms, compounds not known in the written

language, the frequent solecisms, the many proverbial and extravagant expressions, the numerous oaths and

A brilliant passage from Emile Thomas' remarkable study of Petronius and contemporary Roman society,

entitled, "Petrone: L'Envers de la Societe Romaine" (Paris, 1902), may fitly sum up the situation. "This

romance," he writes, "such delightful and at the same time such difficult reading, a work at once exquisite

and repulsive, gives us by virtue of its defects no less than of its merits a fairly adequate representation of the

underside of Roman civilization. Would it not be a gain, and a great one, for the systematic history of

morals and literature at Rome to restore this work to its proper place? and is not this place pretty well

identical, barring of course the difference of field and form, with that reserved in Greek Art for the vases,

statuettes and pottery of Tanagra, and of the periods before and after Tanagra; in one word, whatever allows

us to comprehend, or at least get a glimpse of, the Ancient world under the aspects of its everyday life?

Everybody knows how successful has been the revolution, and how fruitful in results, which has been

brought about under our own eyes in these departments of Greek History and Archeology.

"Well! here (in Petronius) we have among the authors of Rome a veritable genre painter, of a sort to take the

place for us, at any rate in part, of the graceful vasepaintings of Antiquity, as well as of the grotesques of

"From yet another aspect, not a few points of resemblance may be detected between Petronius and the lighter

literary productions, novels, tales, burlesque narratives, vers de societe, and even journals, of the last two

Centuries. Our Author is refined, not to say blase, but none the less inquisitive, full both of sagacity and

passion, always exact, and above and beyond all else, a supreme master of style. Laying aside all false

delicacy, let us hear what he has to tell us of the daily routine, of the outward aspect, and even of the hidden

secrets, of Roman existence. Nowhere else has human life been lived on an ampler scale; no other people, no

other society, has ever displayed so much variety, so many contrasts, such heights of grandeur and such

Such a long time has passed since first I promised you the story of my adventures I am resolved to keep my

word today, seeing we are happily met together to season those matters with lively conversation and tales of a

Fabricius Veiento was discoursing very wisely to us just now on the follies of superstition, exposing the

various forms of priestly charlatanry, the holy men's mania for prophecy, and the effrontery they display in

expounding mysteries they very often utterly fail to comprehend themselves. Is it not much the same type of

madness that afflicts our declaimers, who shout: "These wounds I got, defending our common liberties; this

eye I lost in your behalf. Give me a helping hand to lead me to my children, for my poor maimed limbs refuse

to bear my weight." Even such extravagances might be borne, if they really served to guide beginners in the

way of eloquence; but all pupils gain by these highflown themes, these empty sounding phrases, is this, that

on entering the forum they imagine themselves transported into a new and strange world.

This is the reason, in my opinion, why young men grow up such blockheads in the schools, because they

neither see nor hear one single thing connected with the usual circumstances of everyday life, nothing but

stuff about pirates lurking on the seashore with fetters in their hands, tyrants issuing edicts to compel sons to

cut off their own fathers' heads, oracles in times of pestilence commanding three virgins or more to be

sacrificed to stay the plague, honeysweet, wellrounded sentences, words and facts alike as it were,

Under such a training it is no more possible to acquire good taste than it is not to stink, if you live in a

kitchen. Give me leave to tell you that you rhetoricians are chiefly to blame for the ruin of Oratory, for with

your silly, idle phrases, meant only to tickle the ears of an audience, you have enervated and deboshed the

Young men were not bound down to declamations in the days when Sophocles and Euripides found the very

words they wanted to best express their meaning. No cloistered professor had as yet darkened men's

intellects, when Pindar and the nine Lyric bards shrank from emulating the Homeric note. And not to cite

poets exclusively, I cannot see that either Plato or Demosthenes ever practised this sort of mental exercise.

A noble, and so to say chaste, style is not overloaded with ornament, not turgid; its own natural beauty gives

Then after a while this windy, extravagant deluge of words invaded Athens from Asia, and like a malignant

star, blasting the minds of young men aiming at lofty ideals, instantly broke up all rules of art and struck

eloquence dumb. Since that day who has reached the perfection of Thucydides, the glory of Hyperides? Nay!

not a poem has been written of bright and wholesome complexion; but all, as if fed on the same unhealthy

diet, have lacked stamina to attain old age. Painting moreover shared the same fate, after Egypt

Such and suchlike reflections I was indulging in one day before a numerous audience, when Agamemnon

came up, curious to see who it was they were listening to so attentively. Well! he declined to allow me to

declaim longer in the Portico than he had himself sweated in the schools but: "Young man," he cries, "seeing

your words are something better than mere popular commonplaces, and a very rare occurrence you are

an admirer of sound sense, I will confide to you a professional secret. In the choice of these exercises it is not

the masters that are to blame. They are forced to be just as mad as all the rest; for if they refuse to teach what

pleases their scholars, they will be left, as Cicero says, to lecure to empty benches. Just as falsehearted

sycophants, scheming for a seat at a rich man's table, make it their chief business to discover what will be

most agreeable hearing to their host, for indeed their only way to gain their end is by cajolement and flattery;

so a professor of Rhetoric, unless like a fisherman he arm his hook with the bait he knows the fish will take,

"Whose fault is it then? It is the parents deserve censure, who will not give their children the advantages of a

strict training. In the first place their hopes, like everything else, are centered in ambition, and so being

impatient to see their wishes fulfilled, they hurry lads into the forum when still raw and half taught, and indue

mere babes with the mantle of eloquence, an art they admit themselves to be equaled by none in difficulty. If

only they would let them advance step by step in their tasks, so that serious students might be broken in by

solid reading, steady their minds with the precepts of philosophy, chasten their style with unsparing

correction, study deep and long what they propose to imitate, and refuse to be dazzled by puerile graces, then

and then only would the grand old type of Oratory recover its former authority and stateliness. Nowadays,

boys waste their time at school; as youths, they are jeered at in the forum, and what is worse than either, no

one will acknowledge, as an old man, the faultiness of the teaching he received in his younger days.

"But that you may not imagine I disapprove of satirical impromptus in the Lucilian vein, I will myself throw

Listening attentively to the speaker, I never noticed that Ascyltos had given me the slip; and I was still

walking up and down in the gardens full of the burning words I had heard, when a great mob of students

rushed into the Portico. Apparently these had just come from hearing an impromptu lecture of some critic or

other who had been cutting up Agamemnon's speech. So whilst the lads were making fun of his sentiments

and abusing the arrangement of the whole discourse, I seized the opportunity to escape, and started off at a

run in pursuit of Ascyltos. But I was heedless about the road I followed, and indeed felt by no means sure of

the situation of our inn, the result being that whichever direction I took, I presently found myself back again

at my starting point. At last, exhausted with running and dripping with sweat, I came across a little old

"Prithee, good mother," say I, "can you tell me where I live?" Charmed with the quiet absurdity of my

question, "Why certainly!" she replied; and getting up, went on before me. I thought she must be a witch; but

presently, when we had arrived at a rather shy neighborhood, the obliging old lady drew back the curtain of a

I was just protesting I did not know the house, when I catch sight of mysterious figures prowling between

rows of nameboards, and naked harlots. Then when too late, I saw I had been brought into a house of ill

fame. So cursing the old woman's falseness, I threw my robe over my head and made a dash right through the

brothel to the opposite door, when lo! just on the threshold, whom should I meet but Ascyltos, fagged out and

half dead like myself? You would have thought the very same old hag had been his conductress. I made him a

Wiping the sweat from his face with both hands, he replied, "If you only knew what happened to me!"

Then in a faint voice he went on, "I was wandering all over the town, without being able to discover where I

had left our inn, when a respectable looking man accosted me, and most politely offered to show me the way.

Then after traversing some very dark and intricate alleys, he brought me where we are, and producing his

affair, began begging me to grant him my favors. In two twos the woman had taken the fee for the room, and

the man laid hold of me; and if I had not proved the stronger, I should have fared very ill indeed."

While Ascyltos was thus recounting his adventures, up came his respectable friend again, accompanied by a

woman of considerable personal attractions, and addressing himself to Ascyltos, besought him to enter,

assuring him he had nothing to fear, and that as he would not consent to play the passive, he should do the

active part. The woman on her side was very anxious I should go with her. Accordingly we followed the pair,

who led us among the nameboards, where we saw in the chambers persons of both sexes behaving in such

fashion I concluded they must every one have been drinking satyrion. On seeing us, they endeavored to allure

us to sodomy with enticing gestures; and suddenly one fellow with his clothes well tucked up assails

Ascyltos, and throwing him down on a bed, tries to get to work atop of him. I spring to the sufferer's rescue,

and uniting our efforts, we make short work of the ruffian. Ascyltos bolts out of the house, and away, leaving

me to escape their beastly advances as best I might; but discovering I was too strong for them and in no mood

After running about almost over the city, I caught sight of Giton, as it were a fog, standing at the corner of an

alley close to the door of our inn, and hurried to join him. I asked my favorite whether he had got anything

ready for our dinner, whereupon the lad sat down on the bed and began wiping away the tears with his thumb.

Much disturbed at my favorite's distress, I demanded what had happened. For a long time I could not drag a

word out of him, not indeed till I had added threats to prayers. Then he reluctantly told me. "That favorite or

comrade of yours came into our lodging just now, and set to work to force me. When I screamed he drew a

Hearing this, I exclaimed, shaking my two fists in Ascyltos' face. "What have you to say now, you pathic

prostitute, you, whose very breath is abominable?" Ascyltos feigned extreme indignation, and immediately

repeated my gesture with greater emphasis, crying in still louder tones, "Will you hold your tongue, you filthy

gladiator, who after murdering your host, had luck enough to escape from the criminals' cage at the

Amphitheater? Will you hold your tongue, you midnight cutthroat, who never, when at your bravest, durst

face an honest woman? Didn't I serve you for a minion in an orchard, just as this lad does now in an inn?"

"What was I to do, fool, when I was dying of hunger? Stop and listen to a string of phrases no better than the

tinkling of broken glass or the nonsensical interpretations in dream books? By great Hercules, you are dead

baser than I; to compass a dinner you have condescended to flatter a Poet!" This ended our unseemly

wrangle, and we both burst into a fit of laughter, and proceeded to discuss other matters in a more peaceable

But the recollection of his late violence coming over me afresh, "Ascyltos," I said, "I see we cannot get on

together; so let us divide between us our bits of common funds, and each try to make head against poverty on

his own bottom. You are a scholar; so am I. I don't wish to spoil your profits, so I'll take up another line. Else

shall we find a thousand causes of quarrel every day, and soon make ourselves the talk of the town."

Ascyltos raised no objection, merely saying, "For today, as we have accepted, in our quality of men of letters,

an invitation to dine out, don't let us lose our evening; but tomorrow, since you wish it, I will look out for a

"Poor work," said I, "putting off the execution of a good plan." It was really my naughty passions that urged

me to so speedy a parting; indeed I had been long wishing to be rid of his jealous observation, in order to

renew my old relations with my sweet Giton. Ascyltos, mortally offended at my remark, rushed out of the

room without another word. So sudden a departure boded ill; for I knew his ungovernable temper and the

strength of his passions. So I went after him, to keep an eye on his doings and guard against their

consequences; but he slipped adroitly out of my sight, and I wasted a long time in a fruitless search for the

After looking through the whole city, I came back to my little room, and now at length claiming my full tale

of kisses, I clip my darling lad in the tightest of embraces; my utmost hopes of bliss are fulfilled to the envy

of all mankind. The rites were not yet complete, when Ascyltos crept up stealthily to the door, and violently

bursting in the bolts, caught me at play with his favorite. His laughter and applause filled the room, and

tearing off the mantle that covered us, "Why! what are you after," he cries, "my sainted friend? What! both

tucked cozily under one coverlet?" Nor did he stop at words, but detaching the strap from his wallet, he fell to

thrashing me with no perfunctory hand, seasoning his blows with insulting remarks. "This is the way you

divide stock with a comrade, is it? Not so fast, my friend." So unexpected was the attack I was obliged to put

Accordingly I took the matter as a joke, and it was well I did so; otherwise I should have had to fight my

rival. My counterfeited merriment calmed his anger, and he even smiled faintly. "Look you, Encolpius," said

he, "are you so buried in your pleasures, you never reflect that our money is exhausted, and the trifles we

have left are valueless. Town is good for nothing in the summer days; there'll be better luck in the country.

Necessity constrained me to approve his advice and restrain the expression of my resentment. So, loading

Giton with our scanty baggage, we quitted the city and made our way to the country house of Lycurgus, a

Roman knight. Ascyltos had been a minion in former days, so he gave us an excellent reception, and the

company assembled there rendered our entertainment still more delightful. First and foremost was Tryphaena,

a very handsome woman, who had come with Lichas, master of a ship and owner of estates near the seacoast.

Words cannot describe the pleasures we enjoyed in this most delightful spot, though Lycurgus's table was

frugal enough. You must know we lost no time in pairing off as lovers. The lovely Tryphaena was my fancy,

and readily acceded to my wishes. But scarcely was I in enjoyment of her favors, when Lichas, furious at his

ladylove being filched from him, insisted I must indemnify him for the injury done him. She had long been

his mistress; so he made the festive proposal that I should make good his loss in person. He pressed me

passionately; but Tryphaena possessing my heart, my ears were deaf to his importunities. My refusal made

him still more eager and he followed me about like a dog, and actually came into my chamber one night.

Finding his entreaties scorned, he tried to force me; but I shouted so loudly I roused the household and by

Eventually thinking Lycurgus's house inconvenient for his purpose, he endeavored to persuade me to be his

guest. When I refused his invitation, he got Tryphaena to use her influence. The latter begged me to comply

with Lichas's wishes, what made her so ready to do so being the prospect of leading a more independent life

there. Accordingly I follow where my love leads the way. But Lycurgus, having renewed his former relations

with Ascyltos, would not let him go. So we agreed that he should stop with Lycurgus, whilst we accompanied

Lichas, resolving at the same time that, as opportunity offered, we should each and all lay hands on anything

My consent delighted Lichas beyond measure. He hurried on our departure all he could, and forthwith

bidding our friends farewell, we arrived the same day at his house. Lichas had cleverly arranged it in such a

way that he sat beside me during the journey, while Tryphaena was next to Giton. This he had contrived

because he knew the woman's notorious fickleness, and the result justified his expectations. In fact she

instantly fell in love with the lad, as I saw easily enough. Lichas moreover made a point of drawing my

attention to the circumstance, and assured me there was no doubt about it. This made me receive his advances

more complacently, at which he was overjoyed. He felt certain the injury my mistress was doing me would

turn my love into contempt, and that consequently out of pique against Tryphaena, I should be the more

Such was the state of affairs under Lichas's roof. Tryphaena was desperately enamored of Giton; Giton's

whole heart was aflame for Tryphaena; I hated the sight of both; while Lichas, studying to please me,

contrived some fresh diversion every day. Doris, his pretty wife, eagerly seconded his efforts, and that so

charmingly she soon drove Tryphaena from my heart. A wink informed Doris of the state of my feelings, and

she returned the compliment with alluring glances; so that this mute language, anticipating the tongue,

furtively expressed the mutual liking we had simultaneously conceived for one another.

I soon saw Lichas was jealous, and this made me cautious; while the quick eyes of love had already revealed

to the wife the husband's designs on me. The first opportunity we had of conversing together, she announced

her discovery to me. I frankly admitted the fact, and told her how austerely I had always treated his advances.

But like a wise, discreet woman, she only said, "Well! well! we must act judiciously in the matter." I

Meanwhile, while Giton was recruiting his exhausted strength, Tryphaena was for returning to me; but on my

repulsing her overtures, her love changed into furious hate. Nor was the ardent little wanton long in

discovering my dealings both with husband and wife. The former's naughtiness with me she made light of,

for she lost nothing by it; but she went savagely for Doris and her secret pleasures. She denounced her to

Lichas, whose jealousy proving stronger than his love, he prepared for revenge. However Doris, warned by

Tryphaena's maid to look out for storms, refrained from any clandestine meetings for the present.

As soon as I learned the truth, cursing at once Tryphaena's perfidy and Lichas's ingratitude, I made up my

mind to be gone. Fortune moreover was in my favor; for the very day before a vessel, dedicated to Isis and

laden with rich offerings for the feast of the goddess, had run ashore on the rocks of the neighboring coast.

I talked the matter over with Giton, and he readily enough agreed to my plan, for Tryphaena, after draining

him of his strength, was now openly neglecting him. Accordingly we set off betimes next day for the coast,

and easily got aboard the wreck as we were known to Lichas's servants, who were in charge. But finding they

insisted on attending us everywhere out of politeness, so stopping any chance of looting, I left Giton with

them and seizing an opportunity to get away by myself, crept into the poop, where stood the image of Isis.

This I robbed of a rich mantle and a silver sistrum, besides appropriating other valuables from the Captain's

cabin. This done, I slipped down a mooringrope without anybody seeing me except Giton, who likewise

On his coming up, I showed him my booty, and we resolved to make the best of our way to Ascyltos, but we

could not reach Lycurgus's house till next day. Arrived there, I gave Ascyltos a brief account of the robbery,

and of our untoward love adventures. His advice was to get Lycurgus on our side, telling him that fresh

persecutions on the part of Lichas had determined our sudden and secret flight. When he heard this Lycurgus

Our flight was not observed until Tryphaena and Doris awoke and got up; for every morning we made a point

of attending these ladies' toilette. Our unwonted absence therefore being noticed, Lichas dispatched

messengers to look for us, particularly to the seashore. From them he heard of our having visited the ship, but

not a word about the robbery. This was still undiscovered, because the poop lay seawards, and the Master had

Eventually, when no doubt remained as to our flight, which annoyed Lichas extremely, the latter turned

furiously upon Doris, considering her to be responsible for it. I will not describe his language nor the violence

he indulged in towards her; indeed I do not know the details. Enough to say that Tryphaena, the originator of

all the disturbance, prevailed on Lichas to go and look for us at Lycurgus's house, as being our most likely

place of refuge, choosing herself to accompany him thither, that she might find opportunity to load us with

Setting out next day, they arrived at the mansion. We were not at home, Lycurgus having taken us to a feast

of Hercules that was being celebrated at a neighboring village. Learning this, they followed us in all haste,

and came up with us in the Portico of the Temple. Their appearance disconcerted us not a little. Lichas

instantly began to complain bitterly of our running away to Lycurgus; but was met with such an angry brow

and haughty air by the latter, that plucking up a spirit, I loudly cried shame on his lecherous attempts on my

person both under Lycurgus's roof and his own. Tryphaena interfered, but got the worst of it, too, for I

proclaimed her baseness to the crowds of people our altercation had attracted, and in token of the truth of my

allegations, I showed them Giton pale and bloodless and myself brought to death's door by the strumpet's

wantonness. The crowd burst into loud shouts of laughter, which so abashed our adversaries that they

Perceiving we had quite won Lycurgus over, they determined to wait for him at his own house, in order to

disabuse his mind of this prepossession in our favor. The solemnities finished too late for us to return to the

mansion that night; so Lycurgus took us to a country lodge of his situated halfway thither. Here he left us

next morning still asleep, while he went home himself to attend to the dispatch of business. He found Lichas

and Tryphaena waiting for him there, who talked him over so cleverly, they actually persuaded him to deliver

us up into their hands. Lycurgus, a man naturally cruel and treacherous, meditating how best to betray us,

urged Lichas to go for help, while he went himself to the lodge to secure our capture.

Arrived there, he accosted us with as harsh a mien as ever Lichas might have been expected to show; then,

wringing his hands, he upbraided us with our falsehood to Lichas, and ordered us to be kept fast prisoners in

the chamber where we lay, excluding Ascyltos and refusing to hear a word from him in our defense. Taking

the latter with him to his mansion, he left us behind in custody till his return.

On the journey Ascyltos tried in vain to modify Lycurgus's determination, but neither prayers, caresses nor

tears would move him. Accordingly our comrade conceived the idea of setting us at liberty by other means.

Indignant at Lycurgus's harshness, he positively refused to sleep with him, and so found himself in a better

Waiting till the household were buried in their first sleep, he took our bits of baggage on his shoulders, and

slipping through a breach in the wall he had previously marked, he reached the lodge at daybreak. Entering

the house unopposed, he sought our room, which the guards had taken care to secure. There was little

difficulty in opening the door, for the bolt being of wood, he loosened this by inserting an iron bar. Presently

the lock dropped off, and awoke us in falling, for we were snoring away in spite of our unhappy situation. Yet

so sound asleep were our guards, being tired out with watching, that the crash roused no one but ourselves.

Then Ascyltos, entering our prison, briefly told us what he had done for us, nor indeed were many words

necessary. While we were busy dressing, it occurred to me to kill the watchmen and loot the house. I

confided my notion to Ascyltos, who approved of the robbery, but said we could gain our ends better without

bloodshed. Accordingly, knowing as he did all the ins and outs of the premises, he led us to the store

chamber, the doors of which he undid. Appropriating the more valuable of the contents, we made off while it

was still early morning, and avoiding the public roads, never stopped till we deemed ourselves safe from

Hereupon Ascyltos, taking breath, declared emphatically what delight he had felt in pillaging Lycurgus's

house. He was an arrant miser, he said, and had given him good reason to complain; while he had never paid

him a farthing for his nights' work, he had at the same time kept him on very short commons and the thinnest

of drink. So niggardly indeed was the fellow that notwithstanding his boundless wealth, he used to deny

Ascyltos was for returning to Naples that same day. "But surely," said I, "it is acting imprudently to go to the

very place of all others where they are most likely to look for us. Let us keep away for a while and ramble

about the country. We have the means to do it in comfort." My advice was approved, and we set out for a

hamlet embellished with a number of agreeable country residences, where several of our familiars were

enjoying the pleasures of the season. But scarcely had we covered half the distance when a storm of rain

coming down in bucketfuls compelled us to fly for shelter to the nearest village. Entering the inn, we found a

crowd of other travelers who had turned in there to escape the inclemency of the weather.

The throng prevented our attracting notice, which made it all the easier for us to pry about in search of

anything we could appropriate. Ascyltos picked up from the floor, quite unobserved, a little bag containing a

number of gold pieces. We were delighted at this lucky beginning; but fearing some one might claim the

money, we stole away by the back door. There we found a servant saddling some horses, who at that moment

left them to go back to the house for something he had forgotten. Profiting by his absence, I snatched a

superb ridingcloak from a saddle, undoing the straps that fastened it. This done, we made off into the

Sitting down in the depths of the wood, where we were in comparative safety, we held a council of war about

concealing the gold, not wishing either to be accused of the theft or to be robbed of it ourselves. Finally we

decided to sew it up in a hem of an old threadbare tunic, which I threw round my shoulders, and entrusting

the cloak to Ascyltos, we prepared to start for the city by way of bypaths. But just as we were quitting the

forest, we hear a voice pronounce these terrible words: "They shan't escape. They've gone into the wood; and

These words filled us with such consternation that Ascyltos and Giton dashed away through the bushes in the

direction of the city; while I stepped back so hurriedly that, without my knowing it, the precious tunic slipped

from my shoulders. At length, tired out and unable to go a step further, I lay down under a tree, and then for

the first time discovered my loss. Vexation gave me new strength, and starting up again to look for the

treasure, I wandered up and down for a long time in vain, till worn out with toil and trouble I plunged into the

darkest recesses of the forest, where I remained for four weary hours. Sick at last of the horrible solitude, I

sought a way out, but as I advanced I caught sight of a peasant. Then indeed I wanted all my assurance, and it

did not fail me. Going boldly up to him, I asked my way to the city, complaining I had been lost for ever so

long in the wood. He led me very civilly into the high road, where he came upon two of his comrades, who

reported they had searched all the paths through the forest, but had found nothing except a tunic which they

I had not the impudence to claim the garment, as may be supposed. My vexation redoubled, and I uttered

Thus it was already late when I reached the city. Entering the inn, I found Ascyltos stretched half dead on a

bed. Disturbed at not seeing the tunic intrusted to my care, Ascyltos eagerly demanded it. After a while my

strength came back a little, and I then told him the whole misadventure; but he thought I was joking, and

though an appealing flood of tears further confirmed my asseverations, he remained obviously incredulous,

thinking I wanted to cheat him out of the money. But after all, what most troubled our minds was the hue and

cry after us. I mentioned this to Ascyltos, but he made light of it, having managed to extricate himself

successfully from the affair. Besides he was convinced we were safe enough, for we were not known, and

nobody had set eyes on us. Still we thought it advisable to feign sickness, so as to have a pretext for keeping

our room the longer. But our cash running short, we had to go abroad sooner than we had intended, and under

On the approach of night we took our way to the marketplace, where we saw an abundance of goods for

sale, not indeed articles of any great value, but rather such as needed the kindly veil of darkness, considering

their rather shady origin. Thither we also conveyed our stolen ridingcloak, and seizing the opportunity,

displayed a corner of it in a quiet spot, hoping a buyer might be attracted by the beauty of the garment.

It was not long before a countryman, whose face seemed somehow familiar to me, approached in company

with a young woman, and began to examine the cloak minutely. On the other part Ascyltos, casting his eye

on the rustic customer's shoulders, was instantly struck dumb with surprise. Nor could I myself avoid some

perturbation of mind when I saw him; for he appeared to be the identical peasant who had found our old tunic

in the loneliness of the wood. Yes! he was the very man. But Ascyltos, afraid to trust his eyes and anxious not

to do anything rash, first went up to the fellow as a wouldbe purchaser, drew the tunic from his shoulders

By a wonderful stroke of luck the rustic had not as yet had the curiosity to search the seams, but was offering

the thing for sale with an indifferent air as some beggarman's leavings. When Ascyltos saw our money was

intact and that the vendor was a person of no great account, he drew me a little aside from the throng and

said, "Do you observe, comrade, our treasure that I was regretting as lost is come back again? That is our

tunic and it seems to have the gold pieces in it still: they haven't been touched. But what can we do about it?

How are we to prove ownership?" I was greatly cheered not only at beholding our loot once more, but also

because I thus found myself freed from a villainous suspicion, and at once declared against any sort of

beating about the bush. I advised we should bring a civil action right out to compel him to give up the

Not so Ascyltos, who had a wholesome fear of the law. "Who knows us," he said, "in this place, or will

believe what we say? My own strong opinion is we should buy the property, our own though it be, now we

see it, and rather pay a small sum to recover our treasure than get mixed up in a lawsuit, the issue of which is

What worth our laws, when pelf alone is king, When to be poor is to be always wrong? The Cynic sage

himself, stern moralist, Is not averse to sell his words for gold; Justice is bought, the highest bidder wins, A

But alas! except for a brace of copper coins, which we had purposed to spend on lupines and peas, we were

penniless just then. So, for fear the prey might escape us meanwhile, we resolved to part with the cloak at a

lower price, making the profit on the one transaction balance the loss on the other. Accordingly we spread out

our merchandise; but the woman who had hitherto been standing beside the countryman closely muffled, now

suddenly, after carefully scanning certain marks on the cloak, laid hold of the hem with both hands, and

At this we were not a little disconcerted, but that we might not seem to acquiesce without a protest, we in our

turn seized the tattered, filthy tunic, and declared no less spitefully it was our goods they had in their

possession. But our case was far from being on all fours with theirs; and the crowd, that had gathered at the

outcry, began to make fun of our impertinent claim, and not unnaturally, when on the one side they asserted

their right to a most valuable cloak, but we to this old rag hardly worth mending. However Ascyltos adroitly

stopped their ridicule by crying out, directly he could get a hearing, "Well! look you, every man likes his own

Both the rustic and the young woman were ready enough to make the exchange; but a couple of attorneys, or

to give them their true name, nightprowlers, who wanted to appropriate the cloak themselves, demanded

that both the articles in dispute should be deposited with them, and the Judge look into the case in the

morning; for not only must the ownership of these be investigated, but quite another question altogether as

The bystanders were by this time all in favor of sequestration, and an individual in the crowd, a bald man

with a very pimply face, who was in the habit of undertaking occasional jobs for the lawyers, impounded the

cloak, saying he would produce it on the morrow. But the real object was selfevident, that the knavish crew

having once got hold of the article in question, they might smuggle it out of the way, while we should be

scared by the fear of a charge of theft from putting in an appearance at the appointed time. This was very

much what we wanted ourselves, and luck seconded the wishes of both parties. For the countryman, indignant

at our requiring the surrender of an old rag, threw the tunic in Ascyltos's face, and withdrawing his own claim

altogether, merely demanded the sequestration of the cloak as the only object of litigation. Having thus

recovered our treasure, as we felt, we rush off full speed for our inn, and bolting the room door, start making

merry over the astuteness both of our opponents and of the crowd, who had exercised so much ingenuity in

As we were unstitching the tunic to take out the gold pieces, we overheard some one asking the innkeeper

what kind of people they were who had just entered his house. Terrified at the question, I went down after he

had gone, to see what was the matter, and found that a Pretor's lictor, whose duty it was to see the names of

strangers entered in the public registers, had seen two such enter the inn, whose names he had not yet taken

down, and was therefore making inquiries as to their nationality and business. This information the

innkeeper gave in such an offhand manner as made me suspect his house was not altogether a safe place for

us; so, to avoid the chance of arrest, we determined to leave the place and not return till after dark.

Accordingly we sallied forth, leaving the care of providing our dinner to Giton.

As our wish was to avoid the frequented streets, we went by way of the more lonely districts of the city.

Towards nightfall we met in a remote spot two respectably robed and goodlooking women, and followed

them slowly and softly to a small temple, which they entered, and from which a strange humming was

audible, like the sound of voices issuing from the recesses of a cavern. Curiosity impelled us likewise to enter

the temple, and there we beheld a number of women, resembling Bacchantes, each brandishing an emblem of

Priapus in her right hand. This was all we were permitted to see; for the instant they caught sight of us, they

set up such a shouting the vault of the sacred building trembled, and tried to seize hold of us. But we fled as

Scarcely had we eaten our fill of the dinner Giton had provided us, when the door resounded with a most

imperative knocking. Turning pale, we demanded, "Who's there?" "Open the door," was the answer, "and

you'll find out." We were still arguing when the bolt tumbled off of itself, the door flew open and admitted

our visitor. This was a woman with her head muffled, the very same who a little time before had been

standing by the countryman's side in the market. "Ah, ha!" she cried, "did you suppose you had really made a

fool of me? I am Quartilla's maid, Quartilla whose devotions before the grotto you disturbed. She is coming

in person to the inn, and begs to speak with you. Do not be afraid; she brings no accusation, and has no wish

to punish your fault. She only wonders what god it was brought such genteel young men into her district."

We were still dumb, not knowing in the least what kind of response to give, when the mistress herself

entered, accompanied only by a young girl, and sitting down on my couch, wept for ever so long. Not even

then had we a word to offer, but looked on in amazement at this tearful display of pretended grief. When the

enticing shower had exhausted itself, she drew back the hood that concealed her haughty features, and

wringing her hands till the finger joints cracked, "What means this recklessness?" she cried; "wherever have

you learned these knavish tricks that for audacity outdo the heroes of the storybooks. By heaven! I pity you!

for be sure no man ever looked with impunity on forbidden sights. Truly our neighborhood is so well stocked

with deities to hand, you will easier meet with a god than a man. But don't imagine I've come here

vindictively; I'm more moved by your youth than angered by the wrong you have done me. It was in sheer

"Last night I was grievously tormented, and shaken with such alarming tremblings, I dreaded an attack of

tertian ague. So in my sleep I prayed for a remedy, and was bidden seek you out, that you might assuage the

violence of the complaint by means of a cunning contrivance also indicated in my dream. But indeed and

indeed it is not so much this cure I am exercised about; what wrings my heart and drives me almost to despair

is the dread that in your youthful levity you may reveal what you saw in the shrine of Priapus, and betray the

counsels of the gods to the common herd. This is why I stretch forth suppliant hands to your knees, and beg

and pray you not to turn into ribaldry and jest our nocturnal rites, nor willingly divulge the secrets of so many

After this impassioned appeal she again burst into tears, and shaken by mighty sobs, entirely buried her face

and bosom in my couch. Meantime, moved at once by pity and apprehension, I bade her keep a good heart,

and be quite easy on either head. For, I assured her, not one of us would divulge the mysteries, and moreover,

if the god had revealed any extraordinary means of curing her ague, we would second divine providence,

The woman cheered up at this promise, and fell to kissing me thick and fast, and changing from tears to

laughter, combed back with her fingers some stray locks that had escaped from behind my ears. "I make truce

with you," she said, "and withdraw my case against you. But if you had not agreed about the remedy I am

seeking, I had a posse of men all ready for tomorrow to avenge my wrongs and vindicate my honor.

"Contempt is hateful; what I love is power, To work my will at my own place and hour. A wise man's scorn

Next, clapping her hands together, she suddenly burst into such a fit of laughter as quite alarmed us. The

maid, who had entered first followed suit, and was followed in turn by the little girl who had come in along

The whole place reechoed with their forced merriment; meantime, seeing no reason for this rapid change of

mood, we stand staring now at each other, now at the women. At length says Quartilla, "I have given express

orders that no mortal be admitted into this inn today, that you may, without interruption, apply the remedy for

"At this declaration Ascyltos stood for a time appalled; for myself, I turned colder that a Gallic winter, and

was unable to utter a word. Still our numbers somewhat reassured me against any disaster. After all, they

were only three weak women, quite incapable of any serious assault on us, who if we had nothing else manly

about us, were at least of the male sex. Anyway we were all ready prepared for the fray; in fact I had already

so arranged the couples, that if it came to a fight, I should myself tackle Quartilla, Ascyltos the waitingmaid,

In the middle of these reflections, up came Quartilla to me to be cured of her ague; but finding herself sadly

disappointed, she flung out of the house in a rage. Returning after a little, she had us seized by some unknown

At this crisis amazement and consternation quite broke our spirit, certain death seeming to stare us miserably

in the face. "I beseech you, lady," I cried, "if you have any sinister design, put us out of our misery at once;

we have done nothing so heinous as to deserve torturing to death." The maid, whose name was Psyche, now

carefully spread a rug on the marble floor, and endeavored to rouse my member into activity, but it lay cold

as a thousand deaths could make it. Ascyltos had muffled his head in his mantle, having doubtless learned

from experience the peril of meddling with other people's secrets. Meantime Psyche produced two ribbons

from her bosom, and proceeded to tie our hands with one and our feet with the other. Finding myself thus

fettered, "This is not the way," I protested, "for your mistress to get what she wants." "Granted," replied the

So saying, she brought me a goblet full of satyrion, and with quips and cranks and a host of wonderful tales

of its virtues, induced me to drain off nearly the whole of the liquor. Then, because he had slighted her

overtures a little before, she poured what was left of the stuff over Ascyltos's back without his noticing. The

latter, seeing the stream of her eloquence dried up, exclaimed, "Well! and am I not thought worthy to have a

drink too?" Betrayed by my laughter, the girl clapped her hands and cried, "Why! I've given it you already,

young man; you've had the whole draft all to yourself." "What!" put in Quartilla, "has Encolpius drunk up all

our stock of satyrion?" and her sides shook with pretty merriment. Eventually not even Giton could contain

his mirth, particularly when the little girl threw her arms round his neck, and gave the boy, who showed no

We should have cried out for help in our unhappy plight, but there was no one to hear us and besides Psyche

pricked my cheeks with her hair pin every time I tried to call upon my fellow countrymen for succor, while at

the same time the other girl threatened Ascyltos with a brush dipped in satyrion. Finally there entered a

catamite, tricked out in a coat of chestnut frieze, and wearing a sash, who would alternately writhe his

buttocks and bump against us, and beslaver us with the most evilsmelling kisses, until Quartilla, holding a

whalebone wand in her hand and with skirts tucked up, ordered him to give the poor fellows quarter. Then we

Next a company of wrestlers appeared, who rubbed us over with the proper gymnastic oil, which was very

refreshing. This gradually removed our fatigue and resuming the dinner clothes that we had taken off, we

were then conducted into the adjoining room, where the couches were laid and all preparations made for an

elegant feast in the most sumptuous style. We were requested to take our places, and the banquet opened with

some wonderful hors d'oeuvres, while the Falernian flowed like water. A number of other courses followed,

and we were all but falling asleep, when Quartilla cried, "Come, come! can you think of sleep, when you

Ascyltos was so worn out with all he had gone through he could not keep his eyes open a moment longer, and

the waitingmaid, whom he had scorned and slighted, now proceeded to daub his face all over with streaks of

I too, tired with the persecutions I had endured, was just enjoying forty winks, as they say, while all the

household, within doors and without, had copied my example. Some lay sprawling about the diners' feet,

others propped against the walls, while others snored head to head right on the threshold. The oil in the lamps

had burned low, and they shed a feeble, dying light, when two Syrian slaves came into the banquetroom to

Whilst they were greedily fighting for it and scuffling amongst the silver, it parted and broke in two. At the

same moment the table with the silver plate collapsed, and a goblet falling from perhaps a greater height than

the rest, struck the waitingmaid who was lying exhausted on a couch underneath and cut her head open. She

screamed out at the blow, at once discovering the thieves and awakening some of the drunkards. The Syrians,

thus caught in the act, threw themselves with one accord onto a couch, and started snoring as if they had been

By this time the chief butler had wakened up and put fresh oil into the expiring lamps, while the other slaves

after rubbing their eyes a bit, had resumed their posts, and presently a cymbalplayer came in and roused us

all up with a clash of her instruments. So the banquet was resumed, and Quartilla challenged us to start a

fresh carouse, the tinkle of cymbals still further stimulating her reckless gaiety.

The next to appear is a catamite, the silliest of mankind and quite worthy of the house, who beat his hands

Then, his poetry exhausted, he spat a most stinking kiss in my face; before long he mounted on the couch

where I lay and exposed me by force in spite of my resistance. He labored hard and long to bring up my

member, but in vain. Streams of gummy paint and sweat poured from his heated brow, and such a lot of chalk

filled the wrinkles of his cheeks, you might have thought his face was an old dilapidated wall with the plaster

I could no longer restrain my tears, but driven to the last extremity of disgust, "I ask you, lady," I cried, "is

this the 'nightcap' (ambasicoetas) you promised me?" At this she clapped her hands daintily, exclaiming,

"Oh you clever boy! what a pretty wit you have! Of course you didn't know 'nightcap' is another name for a

catamite?" Then, that my comrade might not miss his share too, I asked her, "Now, on your conscience, is

"So?" she cried, "why! let Ascyltos have his 'nightcap' too!" In obedience to her order, the catamite now

changed his mount, and transferring his attentions to my friend, set to grinding him under his buttocks and

All this while Giton had been standing by, laughing as if his sides would split. Now Quartilla, catching sight

of him, asked with eager curiosity, whose lad he was. When I told her he was my little favorite, "Why hasn't

he kissed me then?" she cried, and calling him to her glued her lips to his. Next minute she slipped her hand

under his clothes, and pulling out his unpractised tool, she observed, "This will be a very pretty whet

tomorrow to our naughty appetite. For today, 'After such a dainty dish, I will taste no common fish!'"

Just as she was saying this, Psyche approached her mistress laughingly and whispered something in her ear.

"Yes! yes!" exclaimed Quartilla, "a capital idea! why should not our little Pannychis lose her maidenhood!

'tis an excellent opportunity, indeed." Immediately they brought in a pretty enough little girl, and who did not

appear to be more than seven years old the same child who had accompanied Quartilla on her first visit to our

room at the inn. So amid general applause and indeed at the special request of the company, they began the

bridal preparations. I was horrified, and declared that, while on the one hand Giton, who was a very modest

boy, was quite unequal to such naughtiness, on the other Pannychis was far too young to endure the treatment

a woman must expect. "Why!" said Quartilla, "is the girl any younger than I was when I first submitted to a

man? May Juno, my patroness, desert me, if I can mind the time when I was a maid. As a child I was naughty

with little boys of my own age, and presently as the years rolled by, with bigger lads, till I reached my present

time of life. Hence I suppose the proverb that says: 'Who carried the calf, may well carry the bull.'"

Fearing my favorite might get into greater troubles if I were not there, I got up to assist at the wedding

By this time Psyche had thrown the bridal veil over the child's head; our pathic friend was marching in front

with a torch; a long procession of drunken women followed, clapping their hands, having previously decked

the marriage bed with a splendid coverlet. Then Quartilla, fired by the wanton pleasantry, likewise rose from

table, and seizing Giton drew him into the chamber. The lad was not at all loath to go, and even the child

In due course when they were in bed and the door shut, we sat down on the threshold of the nuptial chamber,

and first of all Quartilla applied an inquisitive eye to a crack in the door contrived for some such naughty

purpose, and watched their childish dalliance with lecherous intentness. She drew me gently to her side to

enjoy the same spectacle, and our faces being close together as we looked, she would, at every interval in the

performance, twist her lips sideways to meet mine, and kept continually pecking at me with a sort of furtive

Suddenly in the midst of these proceedings a prodigious thumping made itself heard at the entrance door, and

whilst everybody was wondering what the unexpected interruption might mean, we saw a soldier come in,

one of the nightwatch, with a drawn sword in his hand and surrounded by a crowd of young men. The fellow

glared about him with bloodshot eyes and braggadocio airs; presently spying Quartilla, he cried, "What have

we here, abandoned woman? How dare you make game of me with your falsehoods and cheat me out of the

night you promised me? But you shan't go unpunished, I can tell you; you and your lover shall find out you

Obeying the soldier's orders, his comrades now bind Quartilla and myself together, mouth to mouth, bosom

to bosom, and thigh to thigh, in the midst of shouts of laughter. Then the catamite, still by the soldier's order,

began to beslaver me horribly all over with the odious kisses of his stinking lips a treatment I had no

means either of escaping from or avoiding. Before long he debauched me, and worked his full will upon my

body. Meantime, the satyrion I had drunk a while before, stirring every fiber to lasciviousness, I began to

perform on Quartilla, while she, fired with a like wantonness, showed no repugnance to the game. The young

soldiers burst into fits of laughter at the ludicrous performance; for, while myself mounted by a vile catamite,

involuntarily and almost without knowing what I was at, I kept moving to him just as fast and furiously as

At this moment Pannychis, unaccustomed at her age to love's ardors, raised a sudden cry of pain and

consternation, which the soldiers heard. The poor child was in the act of being ravished, and the triumphant

Giton had won a not bloodless victory. Roused by the sight, the man rushed at them, and clipped now

Pannychis, now Giton, and now both of them together, in his sturdy arms. The girl burst into tears and

besought him to take pity on her tender years; but her prayers were entirely unavailing, the soldier being only

the more excited by her childish charms. All Pannychis could do was to throw a veil over her face and resign

But at this crisis who should come to the unfortunate child's rescue, as if she had dropped from the sky, but

the very same old woman who had beguiled me the day I was inquiring my road home? She burst into the

house with loud cries, declaring that a band of robbers was prowling about the neighborhood while peaceful

citizens were crying in vain for help, the guard being asleep or busy with their victuals, at any rate nowhere to

be found. The soldier, much disturbed at what she said, fled precipitately from the house and his companions

following his example, freed Pannychis from the impending danger which had threatened her and relieved us

So weary was I by this time of Quartilla's lecherousness that I began to revolve means of escape. I opened my

mind to Ascyltos, who was only too pleased to hear of my purpose, longing to be rid of Psyche's

The whole thing would have been plain enough sailing had not Giton been locked up in the chamber; for we

wished to take him with us and save him from the viciousness of these strumpets. We were anxiously

debating the point when Pannychis fell out of bed, and her weight dragged Giton after her. He was unhurt,

but the child, having given her head a slight knock, raised such an outcry that Quartilla in a fright rushed

Taking advantage of this opening without an instant's delay, we fly with all speed to our inn and throwing

Going abroad next day, we came upon two of Quartilla's fellows who had kidnapped us to her palace. No

sooner did Ascyltos clap eyes on the rascals than he vigorously attacked one of them, and after beating and

seriously wounding him, came to my help against the other. But this last bore himself so stoutly that he

managed to wound us both, though only slightly, escaping himself without a scratch.

The third day had now arrived, the date appointed for the free banquet at Trimalchio's; but with so many

wounds as we had, we deemed it better policy to fly than to remain where we were. So we made the best of

our way to our inn, and our hurts being only skindeep after all, we lay in bed and dressed them with wine

Still one of the rascals was lying on the ground disabled, and we were afraid we might yet be discovered.

Whilst we were still debating sadly with ourselves how we might best escape the storm, a slave of

Agamemnon's broke into our trembling conclave, crying, "What! don't you recollect whose entertainment it is

this day? Trimalchio's, a most elegant personage; he has a timepiece in his diningroom and a trumpeter

specially provided for the purpose keeps him constantly informed how much of his lifetime is gone." So,

forgetting all our troubles, we proceed to make a careful toilette, and bid Giton, who had always hitherto been

Meantime in our gala dresses, we began to stroll about, or rather to amuse ourselves by approaching the

different groups of ballplayers. Amongst these we all of a sudden catch sight of a baldheaded old man in a

russet tunic, playing ball amid a troupe of longhaired boys. It was not however so much the boys, though

these were well worth looking at, that drew us to the spot, as the master himself, who wore sandals and was

playing with green balls. He never stooped for a ball that had once touched ground, but an attendant stood by

with a sackful, and supplied the players as they required them. We noticed other novelties too. For two

eunuchs were stationed at opposite points of the circle, one holding a silver chamberpot, while the other

counted the balls, not those that were in play and flying from hand to hand, but such as fell on the floor.

We were still admiring these refinements of elegance when Menelaus runs up, saying, "See! that's the

gentleman you are to dine with; why! this is really nothing else than a prelude to the entertainment." He had

not finished speaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers, and at the signal the eunuch held out the

chamberpot for him, without his ever stopping play. After easing his bladder, he called for water, and

having dipped his hands momentarily in the bowl, dried them on one of the lads' hair.

There was no time to notice every detail; so we entered the bath, and after stewing in the sweatingroom,

passed instantly into the cold chamber. Trimalchio, after being drenched with unguent, was being rubbed

down, not however with ordinary towels but with pieces of blanketing of the softest and finest wool.

Meanwhile three bagnio doctors were swilling Falernian under his eyes; and seeing how the fellows were

brawling over their liquor and spilling most of it, Trimalchio declared it was a libation they were making in

Presently muffled in a wraprascal of scarlet frieze, he was placed in a litter, preceded by four

runningfootmen in tinseled liveries, and a wheeled chair, in which his favorite rode, a little old young man,

soreeyed and uglier even than his master. As the latter was borne along, a musician took up his place at this

head with a pair of miniature flutes, and played softly to him, as if he were whispering secrets in his ear. Full

of wonder we follow the procession and arrive at the same moment as Agamemnon at the outer door, on one

Just within the vestibule stood the doorkeeper, dressed in green with a cherrycolored sash, busy picking

peas in a silver dish. Over the threshold hung a gold cage with a black and white magpie in it, which greeted

But as I was staring openeyed at all these fine sights, I came near tumbling backwards and breaking my

legs. For to the left hand as you entered, and not far from the porter's lodge, a huge chained dog was depicted

on the wall, and written above in capital letters: 'WARE DOG! 'WARE DOG! My companions made merry at

my expense; but soon regaining confidence, I fell to examining the other paintings on the walls. One of these

represented a slavemarket, the men standing up with labels round their necks, while in another Trimalchio

himself, wearing long hair, holding a caduceus in his hand and led by Minerva, was entering Rome. Further

on, the ingenious painter had shown him learning accounts, and presently made steward of the estate, each

incident being made clear by explanatory inscriptions. Lastly, at the extreme end of the portico, Mercury was

lifting the hero by the chin and placing him on the highest seat of a tribunal. Fortune stood by with her

I noticed likewise in the portico a gang of runningfootmen exercising under a trainer. Moreover I saw in a

corner a vast armory; and in a shrine inside were ranged Lares of silver, and a marble statue of Venus, and a

golden casket of ample dimensions, in which they said the great man's first beard was preserved. I now asked

the hallkeeper what were the subjects of the frescoes in the atrium itself? "The Iliad and Odyssey," he

We had no opportunity of examining the numerous paintings more minutely, having by this time reached the

banquethall, at the outer door of which the housesteward sat receiving accounts. But the thing that

surprised me most was to notice on the doorposts of the apartment fasces and axes fixed up, the lower part

terminating in an ornament resembling the bronze beak of a ship, on which was inscribed:

Underneath this inscription hung a lamp with two lights, depending from the vaulting. Two other tablets were

attached to the doorposts. One, if my memory serves me, bore the following inscription:

The other showed the phases of the moon and the seven planets, while lucky and unlucky days were marked

When, sated with all these fine sights, we were just making for the entrance of the banquethall, one of the

slaves, stationed there for the purpose, called out, "Right foot first!" Not unnaturally there was a moment's

hesitation, for fear one of us should break the rule. But this was not all; for just as we stepped out in line right

leg foremost, another slave, stripped of his outer garments, threw himself before our feet, beseeching us to

save him from punishment. Not indeed that his fault was a very serious one; in point of fact the Intendant's

clothes had been stolen when in his charge at the bath, a matter of ten sesterces or so at the outside. So

facing about, still right foot in front, we approached the Intendant, who was counting gold in the hall, and

asked him to forgive the poor man. He looked up haughtily and said, "It's not so much the loss that annoys

me as the rascal's carelessness. He has lost my dinner robes, which a client gave me on my birthday,

genuine Tyrian purple, I assure you, though only once dipped. But there! I will pardon the delinquent at your

Deeply grateful for so signal a favor, we now returned to the banquethall, where we were met by the same

slave for whom we had interceded, who to our astonishment overwhelmed us with a perfect storm of kisses,

thanking us again and again for our humanity. "Indeed," he cried, "you shall presently know who it is you

Well! at last we take our places, Alexandrian slaveboys pouring snow water over our hands, and others

succeeding them to wash our feet and cleanse our toenails with extreme dexterity. Not even while engaged

in this unpleasant office were they silent, but sang away over their work. I had a mind to try whether all the

house servants were singers and accordingly asked for a drink of wine. Instantly an attendant was at my side,

pouring out the liquor to the accompaniment of the same sort of shrill recitative. Demand what you would, it

was the same; you might have supposed yourself among a troupe of pantomime actors rather than at a

Then the preliminary course was served in very elegant style. For all were now at table except Trimalchio, for

whom the first place was reserved, by a reversal of ordinary usage. Among the other hors d'oeuvres stood a

little ass of Corinthian bronze with a packsaddle holding olives, white olives on one side, black on the other.

The animal was flanked right and left by silver dishes, on the rim of which Trimalchio's name was engraved

and the weight. On arches built up in the form of miniature bridges were dormice seasoned with honey and

poppyseed. There were sausages, too, smoking hot on a silver grill, and underneath (to imitate coals) Syrian

We were in the middle of these elegant trifles when Trimalchio himself was carried in to the sound of music,

and was bolstered up among a host of tiny cushions, a sight that set one or two indiscreet guests laughing.

And no wonder; his bald head poked up out of a scarlet mantle, his neck was closely muffled, and over all

was laid a napkin with a broad purple stripe or laticlave, and long fringes hanging down either side. Moreover

he wore on the little finger of his left hand a massive ring of silver gilt, and on the last joint of the next finger

a smaller ring, apparently of solid gold, but starred superficially with little ornaments of steel. Nay! to show

this was not the whole of his magnificence, his left arm was bare, and displayed a gold bracelet and an ivory

After picking his teeth with a silver toothpick, "My friends," he began, "I was far from desirous of coming to

table just yet, but that I might not keep you waiting by my own absence, I have sadly interfered with my own

amusement. But will you permit me to finish my game?" A slave followed him, bearing a draughtsboard of

terebinth wood and crystal dice. One special bit of refinement I noticed; instead of the ordinary black and

Meantime, whilst he is exhausting the vocabulary of a tinker over the game, and we are still at the hors

d'oeuvres, a dish was brought in with a basket on it, in which lay a wooden hen, her wings outspread round

her as if she were sitting. Instantly a couple of slaves came up, and to the sound of lively music began to

search the straw, and pulling out a lot of peafowl's eggs one after the other, handed them round to the

company. Trimalchio turns his head at this, saying, "My friends, it was by my orders the hen set on the

peafowl's eggs yonder; but by God! I am very much afraid they are halfhatched. Nevertheless we can try

whether they are eatable." For our part, we take our spoons, which weighed at least half a pound each, and

break the eggs, which were made of paste. I was on the point of throwing mine away, for I thought I

discerned a chick inside. But when I overheard a veteran guest saying, "There should be something good

here!" I further investigated the shell, and found a very fine fat beccafico swimming in yolk of egg flavored

Trimalchio had by this time stopped his game and been helped to all the dishes before us. He had just

announced in a loud voice that any of us who wanted a second supply of honeyed wine had only to ask for it,

when suddenly at a signal from the band, the hors d'oeuvres are whisked away by a troupe of slaves, all

singing too. But in the confusion a silver dish happened to fall and a slave picked it up again from the floor;

this Trimalchio noticed, and boxing the fellow's ears, rated him soundly and ordered him to throw it down

again. Then a groom came in and began to sweep up the silver along with the other refuse with his besom.

He was succeeded by two longhaired Ethiopians, carrying small leather skins, like the fellows that water the

sand in the amphitheater, who poured wine over our hands; for no one thought of offering water.

After being duly complimented on this refinement, our host cried out, "Fair play's a jewel!" and accordingly

ordered a separate table to be assigned to each guest. "In this way," he said, "by preventing any crowding, the

Simultaneously there were brought in a number of winejars of glass carefully stoppered with plaster, and

Whilst we were reading the labels, Trimalchio ejaculated, striking his palms together, "Alackaday! to think

wine is longer lived than poor humanity! Well! bumpers then! There's life in wine. 'Tis the right Opimian, I

give you my word. I didn't bring out any so good yesterday, and much better men than you were dining with

So we drank our wine and admired all this luxury in good set terms. Then the slave brought in a silver

skeleton, so artfully fitted that its articulations and vertebrae were all movable and would turn and twist in

any direction. After he had tossed this once or twice on the table, causing the loosely jointed limbs to take

Our applause was interrupted by the second course, which did not by any means come up to our expectations.

Still the oddity of the thing drew the eyes of all. An immense circular tray bore the twelve signs of the zodiac

displayed round the circumference, on each of which the Manoiple or Arranger had placed a dish of suitable

and appropriate viands: on the Ram ram'shead peas, on the Bull a piece of beef, on the Twins fried testicles

and kidneys, on the Crab simply a crown, on the Lion African figs, on a Virgin a sow's haslet, on Libra a

balance with a tart in one scale and a cheesecake in the other, on Scorpio a small seafish, on Sagittarius an

eyeseeker, on Capricornus a lobster, on Aquarius a wild goose, on Pisces two mullets. In the middle was a

sod of green turf, cut to shape and supporting a honeycomb. Meanwhile an Egyptian slave was carrying

bread around in a miniature oven of silver, crooning to himself in a horrible voice a song on wine and

Seeing us look rather blank at the idea of attacking such common fare, Trimalchio cried, "I pray you

gentlemen, begin; the best of your dinner is before you." No sooner had he spoken than four fellows ran

prancing in, keeping time to the music, and whipped off the top of the tray. This done, we beheld underneath,

on a second tray in fact, stuffed capons, a sow's paps, and as a centerpiece a hare fitted with wings to

represent Pegasus. We noticed besides four figures of Marsyas, one at each corner of the tray, spouting out

We all join in the applause started by the domestics and laughingly fall to on the choice viands. Trimalchio,

as pleased as anybody with a device of the sort, now called out, "Cut!" Instantly the Carver advanced, and

posturing in time to the music, sliced up the joint with such antics you might have thought him a jockey

struggling to pull off a chariotrace to the thunder of the organ. Yet all the while Trimalchio kept repeating in

a wheedling voice, "Cut! Cut!" For my part, suspecting there was some pretty jest connected with this

everlasting reiteration of the word, I made no bones about asking the question of the guest who sat

immediately above me. He had often witnessed similar scenes and told me at once, "You see the man who is

carving; well; his name is Cut. The master is calling and commanding him at one and the same time."

Unable to eat any more, I now turned towards my neighbor in order to glean what information I could, and

after indulging in a string of general remarks, presently asked him, "Who is that lady bustling up and down

the room yonder?" "Trimalchio's lady," he replied; "her name is Fortunata, and she counts her coin by the

bushelful! Before? what was she before? Why! my dear Sir! saving your respect, you would have been

mighty sorry to take bread from her hand. Now, by hook or by crook, she's got to heaven, and is Trimalchio's

factotum. In fact if she told him it was dark night at high noon, he'd believe her. The man's rolling in riches,

and really can't tell what he has and what he hasn't got; still his good lady looks keenly after everything, and

is on the spot where you least expect to see her. She's temperate, sober and well advised, but she has a sharp

tongue of her own and chatters like a magpie between the bedcurtains. When she likes a man, she likes him;

"As for Trimalchio, his lands reach as far as the kites fly, and his money breeds money. I tell you, he has

more coin lying idle in his porter's lodge than would make another man's whole fortune. Slaves! why, heaven

and earth! I don't believe one in ten knows his own master by sight. For all that, there's never a one of the fine

fellows a word of his wouldn't send scuttling into the nearest rathole. And don't you imagine he ever buys

anything; every mortal thing is home grown, wool, rosin, pepper; call for hen's milk and he'd supply you!

As a matter of fact his wool was not firstrate originally; but he purchased rams at Tarentum and so

improved the breed. To get homemade Attic honey he had bees imported direct from Athens, hoping at the

same time to benefit the native insects a bit by a cross with the Greek fellows. Why! only the other day he

wrote to India for mushroom spawn. He has not a single mule but was got by a wild ass. You see all these

mattresses; never a one that is not stuffed with the finest wool, purple or scarlet as the case may be. Lucky,

"And look you, don't you turn up your nose at the other freedmen, his fellows. They're very warm men. You

see the one lying last on the last couch yonder? He's worth his eight hundred thousand any of these days. A

selfmade man; once upon a time he carried wood on his own two shoulders. They do say, I don't know

how true it may be, but I've been told so, he snatched an Incubo's hat, and so discovered a treasure. I

grudge no man's good fortune, whatever God has seen good to give him. He'll still take a box o' the ear for all

that, and keeps a keen eye on the main chance. Only the other day he placarded his house with this bill:

"But the other man yonder, occupying a freedman's place, what of him? Was he originally very well to do?"

"I have not a word to say against him. He was master once of a cool million, but he came to sad grief. I don't

suppose he has a hair on his head unmortgaged. Not that it was any fault of his; there never was a better man,

but his rascally freedmen swindled him out of everything. Let me tell you, when the hospitable pot stops

boiling, and fortune has once taken the turn, friends soon make themselves scarce." "What was the honorable

calling he followed, that you see him brought to this?" "He was an undertaker. He used to dine like a King,

boars in pastry, cakes of every sort and game galore, cooks and pastrycooks without end. More wine was

spilt under his table than another man has in his cellar. A dream not a life for a mere mortal man! Even

when his affairs were getting shaky, for fear his creditors might think he was in difficulties, he posted this

This agreeable gossip was here interrupted by Trimalchio; for the second course had now been removed, and

the company being merry with wine began to engage in general conversation. Our host then, lying back on

his elbow and addressing the company, said, "I hope you will all do justice to this wine; you must make the

fish swim again. Come, come, do you suppose I was going to rest content with the dinner you saw boxed up

under the cover of the tray just now? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well! even at table we mustn't forget

our scholarship. Peace to my worthy patron's bones, who was pleased to make me a man amongst men. For

truly there is nothing can be set before me that will nonplus me by its novelty. For instance the meaning of

that tray just now can be easily enough explained. This heaven in which dwell the twelve gods resolves itself

into twelve different configurations, and presently becomes the Ram. So whosoever is born under this sign

has many flocks and herds and much wool, a hard head into the bargain, a shameless brow and a sharp horn.

We recommended the learned expounder's graceful erudition, and he went on to add: "Next the whole sky

becomes Bull; then are born obstinate fellows and neatherds and such as think of nothing but filling their own

bellies. Under the Twins are born horses in a pair, oxen in a yoke, men blessed with a sturdy brace of

testicles, all who manage to keep in with both sides. I was born under the Crab myself. Wherefore I stand on

many feet, and have many possessions both by sea and land; for the Crab is equally adapted to either element.

And this is why I never put anything on that sign, so as not to eclipse my horoscope. Under the Lion are born

great eaters and wasters, and all who love to domineer; under the Virgin, women and runaways and jailbirds;

under the Scales, butchers and perfumers and all retail traders; under the Scorpion, poisoners and cutthroats;

under the Archer, squinteyed folks, who look at the greens and whip off with the bacon; under Capricorn,

the 'hornyhanded sons of toil'; under Aquarius or the Waterman, innkeepers and pumpkinheads; under

Pisces, or the Fishes, fine cooks and fine talkers. Thus the world goes round like a mill, and is for ever at

some mischief, whether making men or marring them. But about the sod of turf you see in the middle, and

the honeycomb atop of it, I have a good reason to show too. Our mother Earth is in the middle, roundabout

"Clever! clever!" we cry in chorus and with hands uplifted to the ceiling, swear Hipparchus and Aratus were

not to be named in the same breath with him. This lasted till fresh servants entered and spread carpets before

the couches, embroidered with pictures of fowling nets, prickers with their hunting spears, and sporting gear

of all kinds. We were still at a loss what to expect when a tremendous shout was raised outside the doors, and

lo and behold! a pack of Laconian dogs came careering round and round the very table. These were soon

succeeded by a huge tray, on which lay a wild boar of the largest size, with a cap on its head, while from the

tushes hung two little baskets of woven palm leaves, one full of Syrian dates, the other of Theban. Round it

were little piglets of baked sweetmeat, as if at suck, to show it was a sow we had before us; and these were

To carve the dish however, it was not this time our friend Cut who appeared, the same who had dismembered

the capons, but a great bearded fellow, wearing leggings and a shaggy jerkin. Drawing his hunting knife, he

made a furious lunge and gashed open the boar's flank, from which there flew out a number of fieldfares.

Fowlers stood ready with their rods and immediately caught the birds as they fluttered about the table. Then

Trimalchio directed each guest to be given his bird, and this done, added "Look what elegant acorns this

wildwood pig fed on." Instantly slaves ran to the baskets that were suspended from the animal's tushes and

Meantime, sitting as I did a little apart, I was led into a thousand conjectures to account for the boar's being

brought in with a cap on. So after exhausting all sorts of absurd guesses, I resolved to ask my former

"philosopher and friend" to explain the difficulty that tormented me so. "Why!" said he, "your own servant

could tell you that much. Riddle? it's as plain as daylight. The boar was presented with his freedom at

yesterday's dinner; he appeared at the end of the meal and the company gave him his conge. Therefore today

he comes back to table as a freedman." I cursed my own stupidity, and asked no more questions, for fear of

We were still conversing, when a pretty boy entered, his head wreathed with vineleaves and ivy,

announcing himself now as Bromius, anon as Lyaeus and Evous. He proceeded to hand round grapes in a

small basket, and recited in the shrillest of voices some verses of his master's composition. Trimalchio turned

round at the sound, and, "Dionysus," said he, "be free (Liber)!" The lad snatched the cap from the boar's head

and stuck it on his own. Then Trimalchio went on again, "Well! you'll not deny," he cried, "I have a Father

Liber (a freeborn father) of my own." We praised Trimalchio's joke, and heartily kissed the fortunate lad, as

At the end of this course Trimalchio left the table to relieve himself, and so finding ourselves free from the

constraint of his overbearing presence, we began to indulge in a little friendly conversation. Accordingly

Dama began first, after calling for a cup of wine. "A day! what is a day?" he exclaimed, "before you can turn

round, it's night again! So really you can't do better than go straight from bed to board. Fine cold weather

we've been having; why! even my bath has hardly warmed me. But truly hot liquor is a good clothier. I've

been drinking bumpers, and I'm downright fuddled. The wine has got into my head."

Seleucus then struck into the talk: "I don't bathe every day," he said; "your systematic bather's a mere fuller.

Water's got teeth, and melts the heart away, a little every day; but there! when I've fortified my belly with a

cup of mulled wine, I say 'Go hang!' to the cold. Indeed I couldn't bathe today, for I've been to a funeral. A

fine fellow he was too, good old Chrysanthus, but he's given up the ghost now. He was calling me just this

moment, only just this moment; I could fancy myself talking to him now. Alas! alas! what are we but blown

bladders on two legs? We're not worth as much as flies; they are some use, but we're no better than bubbles.

He wasn't careful enough in his diet, you say? I tell you, for five whole days not one drop of water, or one

crumb of bread passed his lips. Nevertheless he has joined the majority. The doctors killed him, or rather

his day was come; the very best of doctors is only a satisfaction to the mind. Anyhow he was handsomely

buried, on his own best bed, with good blankets. The wailing was first class, he did a trifle of manumission

before he died; though no doubt his wife's tears were a bit forced. A pity he always treated her so well. But

woman! woman's of the kite kind. No man ought ever to do 'em a good turn; just as well pitch it in the well at

He was getting tiresome, and Phileros broke in: "Let's talk of living. He's got his deserts, whatever they were;

he lived well and died well, what has he to complain about? He started with next to nothing, and was ready to

the last to pick a farthing out of a dunghill with his teeth. So he grew and grew, like a honeycomb. Upon my

word I believe he left a round hundred million behind him, and all in ready money. But I'll tell you the actual

facts, for I'm the soul of truth, as they say. He had a rough tongue, and a ready one, and was quarrelsomeness

personified. Now his brother was a fine fellow and a true friend, with a free hand and keeping a liberal table.

Just at the beginning he had a bad bird to pluck, but the very first vintage set him on his legs, for he sold his

wine at his own price. But the thing that chiefly made him lift up his head in the world was getting an

inheritance, out of which he managed to prig a good deal more than was really left him. And that log

Chrysanthus, falling out with his brother, has positively left all his property to I don't know what scum of the

earth. He goes too far, say I, who goes outside his own kith and kin. But he had a lot of overwise interfering

servants, who proved his ruin. A man will never do well, who believes all he's told too readily, especially a

man in business. Yet it's fair to say he did well enough all his life, getting what was never meant for him.

Evidently one of Fortune's favorites, in whose hands lead turns to gold. But that's simple enough, when

everything runs on wheels exactly as you want it to. How old, think you, was he when he died? Seventy and

over. But he was as tough as horn; he carried his age well, and he was still as black as a crow. I knew him

when he was a pretty loose fish, and he was lecherous to the last. Upon my soul I don't believe he left a living

thing in his house alone, down to the dog. A great lover of lads, indeed a man of universal talents and tastes.

So much for Phileros; then Ganymede began: "Yes! you talk away," he said, "about things that concern

neither heaven nor earth, but no one ever thinks of the pinch of famine that's upon us. I swear I couldn't come

across a mouthful of bread this day. And how the drought holds! Starvation's been the word for a whole

twelvemonth now. Bad cess to the Ediles, who are in collusion with the bakers 'you scratch my back, and

I'll scratch yours.' And so poor folks suffer; for your rich fellows' jawbones keep feastday all the year round.

Ah! if only we had those lionhearted chaps I found here, when first I came from Asia. That was something

like living. 'Twas like the midlands of Sicily for plenty, and they used to batter those vampires about so that

"Why! I remember Safinius; he used to live at the Old Arch when I was a boy. It was a peppercorn, I tell you,

not a man. Wherever he went, he made the ground smoke under him. An upright, downright honest man, and

a trusty friend, one you might confidently play mora with in the dark. But in Court, how he pounded 'em

down, one and all; he didn't talk in figures of speech, not he, but straight out. Then when he pleaded in the

Forum, his voice would swell out like a trumpet, though he never sweated or spat. I believe myself he had a

smack of Asiatic blood in him. And how civil he was to return our bows and give each man his name, just as

if he'd been one of ourselves. So in those days provisions were dirt cheap. A halfpenny loaf, when you'd

bought it, you couldn't have finished it, with another man to help you! Now, I've seen a bullock's eye

"Alas! alas! Things get worse and worse every day, and this city of ours is growing like a cow's tail,

backwards. Why ever have we an Edile not worth three figs, who thinks more of a halfpenny than of all our

lives? So he sits at home and rubs his hands, making more coin in a day than another man's whole fortune

comes to. I know one transaction brought him in a thousand gold denars. Why! if we weren't geldings, he

wouldn't be so pleased with himself long. Nowadays the folks are lions at home, and foxes abroad.

"As for me, I've eaten up my duds, and if the scarcity goes on, I shall sell my bits of houses. What is to

become of us, if neither gods nor men take pity on this unhappy city? As I hope for happiness, I think it's all

the gods' doing. For nobody any more believes heaven to be heaven, nobody keeps fast, nobody cares one

straw for Jupiter, but all men shut their eyes and count up their own belongings. In former days the

longrobed matrons went barefoot, with unbound hair and a pure heart, up the hill to pray Jupiter for rain;

and instantly it started raining bucketfuls, then or never, and they all came back looking like drowned

rats. So the gods come stealthyfooted to our destruction, because we have no piety or reverence. The fields

"I beseech you," cried Echion, the oldclothesman, at this point, "I beseech you, better words! Luck's for

ever changing, as the chawbacon said, when he lost his brindled hog. If not today, then tomorrow; that's the

way the world wags. My word! you couldn't name a better countryside, if only the inhabitants were to match.

True, we are in low water for the moment, but we're not the only ones. We must not be so over particular, the

same heaven is over us all. If you lived elsewhere, you'd say pigs ran about here ready roasted.

"And I tell you, we're going to have a grand show in three days from now at the festival none of your

common gangs of gladiators, but most of the chaps freedmen. Our good Titus has a heart of gold and a hot

head; 'twill be do or die, and no quarter. I'm in his service, he is no shirker! He'll have the best of sharp

swords and no backing out; bloody butcher's meat in the middle, for the amphitheater to feast their eyes on.

And he's got the wherewithal; he was left thirty million, his father came to a bad end. Suppose he does spend

four hundred thousand or so, his property won't feel it, and his name will live for ever. He has already got

together a lot of ponies and a female chariot fighter, and Glyco's factor, who was caught diverting his

mistress. You'll see what a row the people will have betwixt the jealous husbands and the happy lovers.

Anyhow Glyco, who's not worth twopence, condemned his factor to the beasts, which was simply

betraying his own dishonor. How was the servant to blame, who was forced to do what he did? It was she, the

pisspot, deserved tossing by the bull far more than he. But there, if a man can't get at the donkey's back, he

must thrash the donkey's pack. And how could Glyco ever suppose Hermogenes' girl should come to any

good. He could cut a kite's claws flying; a snake doesn't father a rope. Glyco! Glyco! you've paid your price;

as long as you live, you're a marked man, a brand Hell only can obliterate. A man's mistakes always come

"Why! I can nose out now what a feast Mammaea is going to give us, two gold denars each for me and mine.

If he does so, I only hope he'll show no favor whatever to Norbanus. You may rest assured he will clap on all

sail. And in good sooth what has the other ever done for us? He gave a show of twopenny halfpenny

gladiators, such a rickety lot, blow on them, they'd have fallen flat; and I've seen better bestiaries. He

killed his mounted men by torchlight, you might have taken them for dunghill cocks. One was mulefooted,

another bandylegged, while the third, put up to replace a dead man, was a deadhead himself, for he was

hamstrung before beginning. The only one to show any spunk was a Thracian, and he only fought when we

tarred him on. In the end they all got a sound thrashing; in fact the crowd had cried 'Trice up!' for every one

of them, they were obviously such arrant runaways. 'Anyhow I gave you a show,' said he. 'And I applauded,'

said I; 'reckon it up, and I gave you more than I got. One good turn deserves another.'

"You look, Agamemnon, as if you were saying to yourself, 'Whatever is that bore driving at?' I talk, because

you fellows who can talk, won't talk. You're not of our stuff and so you laugh at poor men's conversation.

You're a monument of learning, we all know. But there, let me persuade you one day to come down into the

country and see our little place. We'll find something to eat, a pullet and a few eggs; it will be grand, even

though the bad weather this year has turned everything upside down. Anyway we shall find enough to fill our

"And there's a future pupil growing up for you, my little lad at home. He can repeat four pieces already; if he

lives, you will have a little servant at your beck and call. If he has a spare moment, he never lifts his head

from his slate. He's a bright lad with good stuff in him, though he is so gone on birds. I've killed three linnets

of his, and told him a weasel ate 'em. But he has found other hobbies, and he's devoted to painting. Why! he

is already showing his heels to the Greek, and beginning to take capitally to his Latin, though his master is

too easygoing and too restless; he knows his work well enough, but won't take proper pains. Then there's

another, not a learned man but a very ingenious one, who teaches more than he knows. Accordingly he comes

to the house on high days and holidays, and whatever you give him, he looks pleased. So I've just bought the

lad some lawbooks, for I want him to have a smack of law for home use. There's bread and butter in that. For

as to Literature, he has been tarred enough already with that brush. If he kicks, I've made up my mind to teach

him a trade, a barber, or an auctioneer, or best of all a lawyer, which nothing but Hell can rob him of.

So I impress on him every day. 'Believe me, my firstborn, whatever you learn, you learn for your good.

Look at Phileros the advocate; if he hadn't studied, he would be starving today. The other day, just the other

day, he was carting things round on his shoulders, now he is a match for Norbanus himself. Learning's a

Such were the brilliant remarks that were flashing round the board, when Trimalchio reentered, and after

wiping his brow and scenting his hands, "Pardon me, my friends," he said after a brief pause, "but for several

days I have been costive. My physicians were nonplused. However, pomegranate rind and an infusion of

firwood in vinegar has done me good. And now I trust my belly will be better behaved. At times I have such

a rumbling about my stomach, you'd think I had a bull bellowing inside me! So if any of you want to relieve

yourselves, there's no necessity to be ashamed about it. None of us is born solid. I don't know any torment so

bad as holding it in. It's the one thing Jove himself cannot stop. What are you laughing at, Fortunata, you who

so often keep me awake o' nights yourself? I never hinder any man at my table from easing himself, and

indeed the doctors forbid our balking nature. Even if something more presses, everything's ready outside,

water, closestools, and the other little matters needful. Take my word for it, the vapors rise to the brain and

may cause a fluxion of the whole constitution. I know many a man that's died of it, because he was too shy to

We thank our host for his generous indulgence, taking our wine in little sips the while to keep down our

laughter. But little we thought we had still another hill to climb, as the saying is, and were only half through

the elaborations of the meal. For when the tables had been cleared with a flourish of music, three white hogs

were brought in, hung with little bells and muzzled. One, so the nomenclator informed us, was a

twoyearold, another three, and the third six. For my part, I thought they were learned pigs, come in to

perform some of those marvelous tricks you see in circuses. But Trimalchio put an end to my surmises by

saying, "Which of the three will you have dressed for supper right away? Farmyard cocks and pheasants are

So saying, he immediately ordered the cook to be summoned, and without waiting for our choice, directed the

sixyearold to be killed. Then speaking loud and clear, he asked the man, "What decuria do you belong to?"

"Then mind you serve the dish carefully dressed; else I shall order you to be degraded into the decuria of the

And the cook, thus cogently admonished, then withdrew with his charge into the kitchen.

But Trimalchio, relaxing his stern aspect, now turned to us and said "If you don't like the wine, I'll have it

changed; otherwise please prove its quality by your drinking. Thanks to the gods' goodness, I never buy it;

but now I have everything that smacks good growing on a suburban estate of mine. I've not seen it yet, but

they tell me it's down Terracina and Tarentum way. I am thinking at the moment of making Sicily one of my

little properties, that when I've a mind to visit Africa, I may sail along my own boundaries to get there.

"But tell me, Agamemnon, what question formed the subject of your declamation today? Though I don't

plead myself, I've studied letters for domestic use. Don't imagine I have despised scholarship; why! I have

two Libraries, one Greek, the other Latin. If you love me, then, let me know what your discourse was."

Agamemnon had just begun, "A poor man and a rich were at feud . . ." when Trimalchio struck in with the

"Oh, capital!" cried Agamemnon; and went on to develop some dialectical problem or another.

Trimalchio summed up without an instant's hesitation as follows, "If this is so, there's no question about it; if

Whilst we were still acclaiming these and similar remarks with fulsome praise, he resumed, "Pray, my dearest

Agamemnon, do you recollect by any chance the twelve labors of Hercules, or the story of Ulysses, how the

Cyclops twisted his thumb out of joint, after he was turned into a pig. I used to read these tales in Homer

when I was a lad. Then the Sibyl! I saw her at Cumae with my own eyes hanging in a jar; and when the boys

cried to her, 'Sibyl, what would you?' she'd answer, 'I would die,' both of 'em speaking Greek."

He was still in the middle of this nonsense when a tray supporting an enormous hog was set on the table. One

and all we expressed our admiration at the expedition shown, and swore a mere ordinary fowl could not have

been cooked in the time, the more so as the hog appeared to be a much larger animal than the wild boar just

before. Presently Trimalchio, staring harder and harder, exclaimed, "What! what! isn't he gutted? No! by

The cook came and stood by the table, looking sadly crestfallen and saying he had clean forgotten. "What!

forgotten!" cried Trimalchio; "to hear him, you would suppose he'd just omitted a pinch of pepper or a bit of

Instantly the cook was stripped, and standing between two tormentors, the picture of misery. But we all began

to intercede for him, saying, "Accidents will happen; do forgive him this once. If ever he does it again, not

one of us will say a word in his favor." For my own part I felt mercilessly indignant, and could not hold

myself, but bending over to Agamemnon's ear, I whispered, "Evidently he must be a villainous bad servant.

To think of anybody forgetting to bowel a hog; by Gad! I would not let the fellow off, if he'd shown such

Not so Trimalchio, for with a smile breaking over his face, "Well! well!" said he, "as you have such a bad

Thereupon the cook resumed his tunic, seized his knife and with a trembling hand slashed open the animal's

belly. In a moment, the apertures widening under the weight behind, out tumbled a lot of sausages and

At this all the servants applauded like one man, and chorused, "Gaius for ever!" Moreover the cook was

gratified with a goblet of wine and a silver wreath, and received a drinking cup on a salver of Corinthian

metal. This Agamemnon scanned with some attention, and Trimalchio observed, "I am the only man

I fully expected him to match his usual effrontery by declaring he had himself imported the articles from

Corinth; but he had a better account to give of the matter. "You may wonder perhaps," he said, "why I alone

have the true Corinthian. The fact is, the smith I buy them from is called Corinth, and what can be more

Corinthian than to have Corinth at one's orders? But you must not set me down for a dunce; I know perfectly

well how Corinthian plate first originated. On the capture of Troy, Hannibal, an astute fellow and a

consummate knave, collected together all the statues of bronze and gold and silver into one great heap, and

firing the pile, melted down the different metals into one alloy. This mass of metal the smiths utilized to

make into platters and dishes and statuettes. Such was the origin of Corinthian metal, neither one thing nor

"But you must allow me to say this, I prefer glass ones myself; they are quite free from smell at any rate. And

if they didn't break, I would rather have them than gold itself; but they've got cheap and common now.

However there was an artificer once who made a glass goblet that would not break. So he was admitted to

Caesar's presence to offer him his invention; then, on receiving the cup back from Caesar's hands, he dashed

it down on the floor. Who so startled as Caesar? but the man quietly picked up the goblet again, which was

dinted as a vessel of bronze might be. Then taking a little hammer from his pocket, he easily and neatly

knocked the goblet into shape again. This done, the fellow thought he was as good as in heaven already,

especially when Caesar said to him, 'Does anybody else besides yourself understand the manufacture of this

glass?' But lo! on his replying in the negative, Caesar ordered him to be beheaded, because if once the secret

"I'm quite a connoisseur in plate. I've got cups as big as waterpots, a hundred of them more or less,

representing how Cassandra slew her sons, and there lie the lads dead, as natural as life! I've got a thousand

bowls Mummius bequeathed to my patron, on which Daedalus is shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan

horse. Why! I've got the fights of Hermeros and Petraites on a series of cups all of massive metal. I wouldn't

In the middle of these remarks a slave dropped a cup. Trimalchio looked at him and said, "Go at once and kill

yourself; you are a careless fellow." The slave immediately dropped his lip and began to beg for mercy.

"Why worry me," cried Trimalchio, "as if I were being harsh upon you. I merely urge you to secure yourself

from being so heedless again." At length, on our entreaty, he pardoned the man. The latter, to celebrate the

event, began running round and round the table, crying, "Out water, in wine!" We were all ready to take the

merry rascal's kind suggestion, and particularly Agamemnon, who knew very well how to earn another

invitation. But Trimalchio under the stimulus of our flattery drank away more gayly than ever, and being

close on the verge of intoxication, "Won't any of you," he cried, "ask my wife Fortunata to dance? Believe

me, there's no one foots the cancan better." Then putting up his two hands himself above his brow, he began

imitating Syrus the comedian, the whole household singing out, "Bravo! Oh, bravissimo!" in chorus; and he

would have made a public exhibition of himself, had not Fortunata whispered in his ear and told him, I

suppose, that suchlike buffooneries were beneath his dignity. But nothing could well be more uncertain than

his humor; one moment he would listen respectfully to Fortunata, the next hark back to his natural

However his dancing fit was cut short by the entrance of the historiographer, who read out solemnly, as if he

"Seventh of Kalends of July (June 25th): On the manor of Cumae, Trimalchio's property, were born this day

thirty boys, forty girls; were carried from threshingfloor to granary 500,000 bushels of wheat; were put to

"Same day: Mithridates, a slave, was crucified for blaspheming our master Gaius' tutelary genius.

"Same day: returned to treasury ten million sesterces, no investment being forthcoming for the sum.

"Same day: a fire occurred in Pompey's garden, originating at the house of Nasta, the Bailiff."

"Last year," answer the historiographer; "therefore they have not been brought into account yet."

Trimalchio blazed up at this and shouted, "Any estates bought in my name, if I hear nothing of them within

Next were read his Ediles' edicts and Foresters' wills, in which Trimalchio was excluded from inheritance, but

mentioned with the highest encomiums. Then the names of his Bailiffs were recited; how the Chief Inspector

had repudiated his mistress, a freedwoman, having detected her in an intrigue with the

BathSuperintendent; how the Chamberlain had been removed to Baiae: the Steward convicted of

But now the acrobats entered at last. A most tiresome, dull fellow stood supporting a ladder, up the rungs of

which he ordered a lad to climb and dance and sing on the top, and then leap down through blazing hoops

holding a winejar in his teeth. Trimalchio was the only person present who admired this performance,

saying it was a hard life truly. There were but two things, he went on, in all the world he really enjoyed

seeing acrobats and hornblowers; all other shows were mere trash. "Yes! I bought a company of

comedians too," he said, "but I insisted on their playing Atellanes, and I ordered my conductor to play Latin

In the middle of these fine remarks of the great Gaius, the boy suddenly tumbled down on top of our host.

The domestics all raised a shriek, and the guests as well, not for any love they bore the disgusting creature,

whose neck they would have gladly seen broken, but for fear of a bad end to the feast and the necessity of

lamenting the man's death. Trimalchio himself gave a deep groan and bent over one arm, as if it were injured.

His physicians flocked round him, and amongst the foremost Fortunata with streaming hair and a cup in her

hand, asseverating she was a most miserable, unhappy woman. For his part, the boy who had fallen was

I was tormented with the idea that these prayers were only intended to lead up by some ridiculous turn to

another theatrical denouement. For the cook who had forgotten to bowel the hog still stuck in my memory. So

I began to carry my eyes all about the room, to see if the wall would not open to admit some stagemachine

or other, especially after observing how a slave was thrashed, who had bandaged his master's bruised arm

with white instead of purple wool. Nor was I far out in my suspicions, for in lieu of punishment being

inflicted, Trimalchio now ruled that the lad must be made free, that none might be able to say so noble a

gentleman had been injured by a slave. We acclaim the generous act, and indulge in a string of platitudes on

the precariousness of human affairs. "Well, then!" interposed Trimalchio, "an accident like this must not be

allowed to pass without an impromptu," and instantly calling for his tablets, and without much racking of

This epigram led the way to a discussion of poets and poetry, and for some time the palm of song was

awarded to Mopsus the Thracian, until Trimalchio remarked to Agamemnon, "Pray, master, what do you

consider the difference to be between Cicero and Publilius? For my own part, I consider the former the more

eloquent author, the latter the more genteel. What for instance can be better put than this:

"Now what do you hold to be the most difficult calling," he went on, "after Literature? I think the doctor's and

the moneychanger's; the doctor, because he's got to know what chaps have in their insides, and when the

fever's coming, though truly I hate 'em like fury, for they're for ever ordering me duckbroth; the

"Of beasts the most hardworking are oxen and sheep; to the former we owe the bread we eat, while 'tis the

latter make us so fine with their wool. What a brutal shame it is when a man eats mutton and wears a woolen

coat! Now bees, I do think they are God's own creatures, for they vomit honey, though some say they

bring it down from Jupiter. And that's why they sting, for you'll never find sweet without sour."

He was still cutting out the philosophers in this fashion, when lottery tickets were passed round in a cup, and

a slave, whose special duty this was, read out the presents to be distributed in the tombola:

"Humbug Silver; a gammon of bacon was shown, with cruets of that metal standing on it.

Forbidden Fruits and Contumely; pommeloes were brought in, and a puntpole with an apple.

Lamprey and Letter; a mouse and a frog tied together, and a bundle of beetroot."

We laughed loud and long; and there were a hundred and fifty other conceits of the same sort that have

But Ascyltos, lost to all selfcontrol, threw his arms up in the air, and turning the whole proceedings into

ridicule, laughed till the tears ran down his cheeks. At this once of the freedmen among the guests, the same

"What are you laughing at, muttonhead? Isn't my master's elegant hospitality to your taste? You're a mighty

fine gentleman, I suppose, and used to better entertainment. So help me the guardian spirits of this house, but

I would have made him baa to some purpose, had I been next him. A pretty sprig indeed, to laugh at other

people! a vagabond from who knows where, a nightraker, that's not worth his own piddle! Just let me piss

round him, and he would not know how to save his life! By the powers, I'm not as a rule quick to take

offense, but there! worms are bred in soft flesh. He's laughing; what's he got to laugh at? Did his father buy

the brat for money? You're a Roman knight: and I'm a king's son. 'Why did you serve as a slave then?' Why!

because I chose to, and thought it better to be a Roman citizen than a tributary king. And henceforth I hope to

live a life beyond the reach of any one's ridicule. I am a man now among men; I can walk about with my nose

in the air. I owe nobody a brass farthing; I've never made composition; no one ever stopped me in the forum

with a 'Pay me that thou owest!' I've bought some bits of land, put by a trifle of tin; I keep twenty folks in

victuals, to say nothing of the dog; I've purchased my bedfellow's freedom, that no man should wipe his

hands on her bosom; I paid a thousand denars to redeem her; I was made a sevir, free gratis for nothing; I

"But you, are you so busy you can't so much as look behind you? You can spy a louse on a neighbor's back,

and never see the great tick on your own. You're the only man to find us ridiculous; there's your master and

your elder, he likes us well enough, I warrant. You! with your mammy's milk scarce dry on your lips, you

can't say boo! to a goose; you crock, you limp scrap of soaked leather, you may be supple, but you're no

good. Are you richer than other folk? then dine twice over, and sup twice! For myself I value my credit far

above millions. Did any man ever dun me twice? I served forty years, but nobody knows whether I was slave

or free. I was a longhaired lad when first I came to this town; the basilica was not built yet. But I took pains

to please my master, a great, grand gentleman and a dignified, whose nailparings were worth more than

your whole body. And I had enemies in the house, let me tell you, quite ready to trip me up on occasion;

but thanks to his kind nature I swam the rapids. That's the real struggle; for to be born a gentleman is as

easy as 'Come here.' Whatever are you gaping at now, like a buckgoat in a field of bitter vetch?"

At this harangue Giton, who was standing at my feet, could no longer contain himself, but burst into a most

indecorous peal of merriment. When Ascyltos' adversary noticed the fact, he turned his abuse upon the lad,

screaming, "You're laughing too, are you, you curled onion? Ho! for the Saturnalia, is it December, pray?

When did you stump up your twentieth? What's he at now, the crow's meat gallowsbird? I'll take care God's

anger falls on you, you and your master who does not keep you in better order. As I hope to live by bread. I

only keep my hands off you out of respect for my fellow freedmen; else would I have paid you off this instant

minute. We're right enough, but your folks are good for nothing, who don't keep you to heel. Verily, like

master like man. I can scarce hold myself, and I'm not a hotheaded man naturally; but if I once begin, I don't

care twopence for my own mother. All right, I shall come across you yet in the open street, you rat, you

mushroom, you! I'll never stir up nor down, if I don't drive your master into a wretched hole, and show you

what's what, though you call upon Olympian Jove himself to help you! I'll be the ruin of your rubbishy

ringlets and your twopenny master into the bargain. All right, see if I don't get my teeth into you; either I

don't know myself, or you shall laugh on the wrong side of your face, even if you have a beard of gold. I'll

see that Minerva's down on you, and the man that first trained you to be what you are.

"I never learned Geometry and Criticism and such like nonsensical screeds, but I do understand the lapidaries'

marks, and I can subdivide to the hundredth part when it comes to questions of mass, and weight and

mintage. Well and good! if you have a mind, we'll have a little wager, you and I; come now, here I clap down

the tin. You'll soon see your father wasted his money on you, though you do know Rhetoric. Now:

"I'll tell you which of us runs, yet never stirs from the spot; which of us grows, and gets less all the while.

How you skip and fidget and fuss, like a mouse in a chamberpot! So either hold your tongue altogether, or

don't attack a better man than yourself, who hardly knows of your existence, unless perhaps you think I'm

troubled by your yellow ringlets, that you stole from your doxy. God helps the man that helps himself! Let's

away to the forum to borrow money; you'll soon see this bit of iron commands some credit. Aha! a fine sight,

a fox in a sweat! As I hope to thrive and make such a good end the people will all be swearing at my death,

hang me if I don't chivy you up hill and down dale till you drop! A fine sight too, the fellow that taught you

so, a muff I call him, not a master! We learned something else in my time; the master used to say, 'Are

your things safe? go straight home; don't stop staring about, and don't be impertinent to your elders.' Now it's

all trash; they turn out nobody worth twopence. That I am what I am, I owe to my own wits, and I thank God

Ascyltos was just beginning to answer his abuse; but Trimalchio, charmed with his fellowfreedman's

eloquence, stopped him, saying, "Come, come! leave your bickerings on one side. Better be goodnatured;

and do you Hermeros, spare the young man. His blood is up; so be reasonable. To yield is always to win in

these matters. You were a young cockerel yourself once, and then coco coco you went, and never a grain of

sense in you! So take my advice, let's start afresh and be jolly, while we enjoy the Homerists."

Immediately there filed in an armed band, and clashed spears on shields. Trimalchio himself sat in state on

his cushion, and when the Homerists began a dialogue in Greek verse, as is their unmannerly manner, read

out a Latin text in a clear, loud voice. Presently in an interval of silence, "You know," says he, "what the tale

is they are giving us? Diomed and Ganymede were two brothers. Their sister was Helen of Troy.

Agamemnon carried her off and palmed a doe on Diana in her stead. So Homer relates how the Trojans and

Parentines fought each other. He got the best of it, it seems, and gave his daughter Iphigenia in marriage to

Achilles. This drove Ajax mad, who will presently make it all plain to you." No sooner had Trimalchio

finished speaking than the Homerists raised a shout, and with the servants bustling in all directions, a boiled

calf was borne in on a silver dish weighing two hundred pounds, and actually wearing a helmet. Then came

Ajax, and rushing at it like a madman slashed it to bits with his naked sword, and making passes now up and

down, collected the pieces on his point and so distributed the flesh among the astonished guests.

We had little time however to admire these elegant surprises; for all of a sudden the ceiling began to rattle

and the whole room trembled. I sprang up in consternation, fearing some tumbler was going to fall through

the roof. The other guests were no less astounded, and gazed aloft, wondering what new prodigy they were to

expect now from the skies. Then lo and behold! the ceiling opened and a huge hoop, evidently stripped from

an enormous cask, was let down, all round which hung suspended golden wreaths and caskets containing

Then looking again at the table, I saw that a tray of cakes had been placed on it, with a figure of Priapus, the

handiwork of the pastrycook, standing in the middle, represented in the conventional way as carrying in his

capacious bosom grapes and all sorts of fruits. Eagerly we reached out after these dainties, when instantly a

new trick set us laughing afresh. For each cake and each fruit was full of saffron, which spurted out into our

faces at the slightest touch, giving us an unpleasant drenching. So conceiving there must be something

specially holy about this dish, scented as it was in this ceremonial fashion, we rose to our feet, crying, "All

hail, Augustus, Father of his Country!" But seeing the others still helping themselves to the dessert, even after

this act of piety, we also filled our napkins, myself among the foremost, as I thought no gift good enough

to pour into my beloved Giton's bosom. Meantime three slaves entered wearing short white jackets. Two of

them set on the table images of the Lares with amulets round their necks, while the third carried round a

goblet of wine, crying, "The gods be favorable! the gods be favorable!" Trimalchio told us they were named

respectively Cerdo, Felicio and Lucrio. Then came a faithful likeness of Trimalchio in marble, and as

Then after we had all wished one another good health of mind and body, Trimalchio turned to Niceros and

said, "You used to be better company; what makes you so dull and silent today? I beg you, if you wish to

oblige me, tell us that adventure of yours." Niceros, delighted at his friend's affability, replied, "May I never

make profit more, if I'm not ready to burst with satisfaction to see you so well disposed, Trimalchio. So ho!

for a pleasant hour, though I very much fear these learned chaps will laugh at me. Well! let 'em. I'll say my

say for all that! What does it hurt me, if a man does grin? Better they should laugh with me than at me."

"When I was still a slave, we lived in a narrow street; the house is Gavilla's now. There, as the gods would

have it, I fell in love with Terentius, the tavernkeeper's wife; you all knew Melissa from Tarentum, the

prettiest of pretty wenches! Not that I courted her carnally or for venery, but more because she was such a

good sort. Nothing I asked did she ever refuse; if she made a penny, I got a halfpenny; whatever I saved, I put

in her purse, and she never choused me. Well! her husband died when they were at a country house. So I

moved heaven and earth to get to her; true friends, you know, are proved in adversity.

"It so happened my master had gone to Capua, to attend to various trifles of business. So seizing the

opportunity, I persuade our lodger to accompany me as far as the fifth milestone. He was a soldier, as bold as

Hell. We got under way about first cockcrow, with the moon shining as bright as day. We arrive at the tombs;

my man lingers behind among the gravestones, whilst I sit down singing, and start counting the gravestones.

Presently I looked back for my comrade; he had stripped off all his clothes and laid them down by the

wayside. My heart was in my mouth; and there I stood feeling like a dead man. Then he made water all round

the clothes, and in an instant changed into a wolf. Don't imagine I'm joking; I would not tell a lie for the

"However, as I was telling you, directly he was turned into a wolf, he set up a howl, and away to the woods.

At first I didn't know where I was, but presently I went forward to gather up his clothes; but lo and behold!

they were turned into stone. If ever a man was like to die of terror, I was that man! Still I drew my sword and

let out at every shadow on the road till I arrived at my sweetheart's house. I rushed in looking like a ghost,

soul and body barely sticking together. The sweat was pouring down between my legs, my eyes were set, my

wits gone almost past recovery. Melissa was astounded at my plight, wondering why ever I was abroad so

late. 'Had you come a little sooner,' she said, 'you might have given us a hand; a wolf broke into the farm and

has slaughtered all the cattle, just as if a butcher had bled them. Still he didn't altogether have the laugh on us,

though he did escape; for one of the laborers ran him through the neck with a pike.'

"After hearing this, I could not close an eye, but directly it was broad daylight, I started off for our good

Gaius's house, like a peddler whose pack's been stolen; and coming to the spot where the clothes had been

turned into stone, I found nothing whatever but a pool of blood. When eventually I got home, there lay my

soldier abed like a great ox, while a surgeon was dressing his neck. I saw at once he was a werewolf and I

could never afterwards eat bread with him, no! not if you'd killed me. Other people may think what they

please; but as for me, if I'm telling you a lie, may your guardian spirits confound me!"

We were all struck dumb with amazement, till Trimalchio broke the silence, saying, "Far be it from me to

doubt your story; if you'll believe me, my hair stood on end, for I know Niceros is not the man to repeat idle

fables; he's perfectly trustworthy and anything but a babbler. Now! I'll tell you a horrible tale myself, as much

"I was still but a longhaired lad (for I led a Chian life from a boy) when our master's minion died, a pearl,

by heaven! a paragon of perfection at all points. Well! as his poor mother was mourning him, and several of

us besides condoling with her, all of a sudden the witches set up their hullabaloo, for all the world like a

hound in full cry after a hare. At that time we had a Cappadocian in the household, a tall fellow, and a

highspirited, and strong enough to lift a mad bull off its feet. This man gallantly drawing his sword, dashed

out in front of the house door, first winding his cloak carefully round his left arm, and lunging out, as it might

be there no harm to what I touch ran a woman clean through. We heard a groan, but the actual witches

(I'm very particular to tell the exact truth) we did not see. Coming in again, our champion threw himself

down on a bed and his body was black and blue all over, just as if he had been scourged with whips, for it

seems an evil hand had touched him. We barred the door and turned back afresh to our lamentations, but

when his mother threw her arms round her boy and touched his dead body, she found nothing but a wisp of

straw. It had neither heart, nor entrails, nor anything else; for the witches had whipped away the lad and left a

changeling of straw in his place. Now I ask you, can you help after this believing there are wise women, and

hags that fly by night. But our tall bully, after what happened, never got back his color, in fact a few days

We listened with wonder and credulity in equal proportions, and kissing the table, besought the Nighthags

And indeed by this time the lights seemed to burn double and I thought the whole room looked changed,

when Trimalchio exclaimed, "I call on you, Plocamus; have you nothing to tell us? no diversion for us? And

you used to be such good company, with your amusing dialogues and the comic songs you interspersed.

Heigho! all gone, ye toothsome titbits, all gone?" "Alas! my racing days are over, since I got the gout,"

replied the other; "but when I was a young man, I very nearly sang myself into a consumption. Dancing?

dialogues? buffoonery? when did I ever find my match, eh? always excepting Appelles." And clapping his

hand to his mouth, he spit out some horrid stuff that sounded like whistling, and which he told us afterwards

Moreover Trimalchio himself gave an imitation of a hornblower, and presently turned to his minion whom

he called Croesus. This was a lad with sore eyes and filthy teeth: he was playing with a little black bitch,

disgustingly fat, twisting a green scarf round her, putting half a loaf of bread on the couch, and on the

animal's refusing to eat it, being already overfed, cramming it down her throat. This reminding Trimalchio of

a duty omitted, he ordered Scylax to be brought in, "the guardian of my house and home." Next moment a

huge watchdog was led in on a large chain and took up a position in front of the table. Then Trimalchio

tossed him a lump of white bread, observing, "There's no one in the house loves me better." The boy was

enraged at hearing Scylax so lavishly praised, and setting his bitch down on the floor, cheered her on to attack

the monster. Scylax, as was his nature to, filled the room with savage barking, and almost tore Croesus's little

"Pearl" into bits. Nor did this fight end the trouble; but a chandelier was upset over the table, smashing all the

Trimalchio, not to appear disconcerted at the damage done, kissed the lad and told him to get up on his back.

The latter mounted acockhorse without a moment's hesitation, and repeatedly slapping him on the shoulders

with his open hand, laughingly shouted, "Buck! buck! how many fingers do I hold up?" After thus submitting

for a while to be made a horse of, Trimalchio ordered them to prepare a capacious bowl of wine for all the

slaves sitting at our feet, but on this condition, he added, "If any one won't take his whack, souse it over his

After this display of good nature, there followed a course of delicacies, only to think of which, if you'll

believe me, makes me feel ill. For instead of thrushes, a fatted hen was set before each guest and chaperoned

gooseeggs which Trimalchio urged us most pressingly to partake of, assuring us the hens were boned.

At this moment a lictor knocked at the folding doors of the dininghall, and dressed out in a white robe, a

fresh booncompanion now entered, with a large train in attendance. As for me, I was so much impressed by

all this state and ceremony, I thought it was the Pretor. So I made as if to rise and set my naked feet to the

floor. Agamemnon laughed at my trepidation. "Sit still, you silly fellow," said he, "it's Habinnas the Sevir,

he's a marblemason, and it seems makes capital good monuments." Reassured by what he said, I lay back

again in my place, and watched Habinnas' entry with the greatest admiration. He was already tipsy, and leant

for support on his wife's shoulder; wearing several heavy wreaths round his brow, which was so reeking with

perfume it kept trickling into his eyes, he took the Pretor's place, and at once called for wine and hot water.

Delighted at his joviality, Trimalchio himself called for a large goblet, and asked him how he had been

entertained. "We had everything in the world," he replied, "except the pleasure of your company; for indeed

my inclinations were here. But upon my word, it was very fine. Scissa was giving a very elegant novendial in

memory of her poor old slave, whom she had enfranchised after his death. And I suppose she will have a

good round sum to pay to the taxcollectors, for they do tell me the dead man's fortune came to fifty

thousand. I assure you it was all very pleasant, though we did have to pour half our liquor over his old

"I'll tell you, if I can," was the answer, "but there, I have such a firstclass memory, I often forget my own

name. However, for first course we had a pig topped with a blackpudding and garnished with fritters and

giblets, capitally dressed, and beetroot of course, and wholemeal brown bread, which I prefer myself to

white; it makes muscle, and when I do my does, I don't have to yell. The next course was cold tarts, and to

drink, excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey. So I ate a fine helping of tart, and smeared myself

well with the honey. As accessories, were chickpeas and lupines, nuts at discretion, and an apple apiece. But

I took two, and look you! I've got them here tied up in a napkin; for if I don't take some present back for my

little slave lad at home, there'll be a row. Right! my wife reminds me, we had also, on the sideboard a joint of

bear's meat. Scintilla took some inadvertently, and very nearly threw up her guts. I on the contrary ate nearly

a pound of it; indeed it tasted quite like boar's flesh. And what I say is, if bear eats man, why should not man,

with a far better reason, eat bear? To end up with, we had cream cheese flavored with wine jelly, snails, one

apiece, chitterlings, scalloped liver and chaperoned eggs, turnips, mustard and (by your leave, Palamedes!) a

dish of mixed siftings; pickled olives also were handed round in a bowl, from which some of the party were

mean enough to help themselves to three handfuls each; the ham we declined altogether.

"Don't you know her better than that?" answered Trimalchio. "Not until she has counted the plate, and

divided the leavings among the slaves, will she let so much as a drop of water pass her lips."

"Well!" returned Habinnas, "if she does not join us, I'm off for one," and made as though to get up, when at a

signal from their master the whole houseful of slaves called out, four times over and more, "Fortunata!

Fortunata!" At this she entered at last, her frock kilted up with a yellow girdle, so as to show a cherrycolored

tunic underneath, and corded anklets and goldembroidered slippers. Then wiping her hands on a

handkerchief she wore at her neck, she placed herself on the same couch beside Habinnas' wife, Scintilla,

kissing her while the other claps her hands, and exclaiming, "Have I really the pleasure of seeing you?"

Before long it came to Fortunata's taking off the bracelets from her great fat arms to show them to her

admiring companion. Finally she even undid her anklets and her hairnet, which she assured Scintilla was of

the very finest gold. Trimalchio observing this, ordered all the things to be brought to him. "You see this

woman's fetters," he cried; "that's the way we poor devils are robbed! Six pound and a half, if it's an ounce;

and yet I've got one myself of ten pound weight, all made out of Mercury's thousandths." Eventually to prove

he was not telling a lie, he ordered a pair of scales to be brought, and had the articles carried round and the

weight tested by each in turn. And Scintilla was just as bad, for she drew from her bosom a little gold casket

she called her Lucky Box. From it she produced a pair of earpendants and handed them one after the other

to Fortunata to admire, saying, "Thanks to my husband's goodness, no wife has finer."

"Why truly!" remarked Habinnas, "you gave me no peace till I bought you the glass bean. I tell you straight,

if I had a daughter, I should cut off her ears. If there were no women in the world, we should have everything

Meanwhile the two women, though a trifle piqued, laughed goodhumoredly together and interchanged some

tipsy kisses, the one praising the thrifty management of the lady of the house, the other enlarging on the

minions her husband kept and his unthrifty ways. While they were thus engaged in close confabulation,

Habinnas got up stealthily and catching hold of Fortunata's legs, upset her on the couch. "Ah! ah!" she

screeched, as her tunic slipped up above her knees. Then falling on Scintilla's bosom, she hid in her

After a short interval Trimalchio next ordered the dessert to be served; hereupon the servants removed all the

tables and brought in fresh ones, and strewed the floor with saffron and vermilion colored sawdust and, a

refinement I had not seen before, with specular stone reduced to powder. The moment the tables were

changed, Trimalchio remarked, "I could really be quite content with what we have; for you see your 'second

tables' before you. However, if there is anything spicy for dessert, let's have it in."

Meantime an Alexandrian lad, who served round the hot water, began imitating a nightingale, his master from

time to time calling out, "Change!" Another form of entertainment followed. A slave who was sitting at

Habinnas' feet, at his master's bidding, as I imagine, suddenly sang out in a loud voice:

Nothing harsher ever shocked my ears, for to say nothing of the false inflections, now high now low, of his

voice and his barbarous pronunciation, he kept sticking in tags from Atellane farces, so that for the first time

in my life I found Virgil intolerable. Yet no sooner did he pause for an instant than Habinnas loudly

applauded the performance, adding, "The man has had no regular training; I merely sent him to see some

mountebanks, and that's how he learned. The result is, he has not his match, whether it's muleteers or

mountebanks he wants to mimic. He's just desperate clever; he's cobbler, cook, confectioner, a compendium

of all the talents. Still he has two faults, but for which he would be a perfect paragon: he is circumcised and

he snores. For his squinting, I don't mind that; Venus has the same little defect. That's why his tongue is never

still, because one eye is pretty much always on the alert. I gave three hundred denars for him."

Here Scintilla interrupted the speaker; "You take good care," she said, "not to mention all the scamp's

qualifications. I'm sure he must be an arrant gobetween; but I'll see to it that he has his brand before long."

Trimalchio only laughed and said, "I see he's a true Cappadocian; always looks out for number one. And, my

word! I don't blame him; for indeed, once dead, this is a thing nobody can secure us. And you, Scintilla, don't

be so jealous! Believe me, we understand you women. As I hope to be safe and sound, I used myself to poke

her ladyship, so that even my master got suspicious; and that's why he sent me off to be factor in the country.

Taking everything that was said for high praise, the foul slave now drew an earthenware lamp from his

bosom, and for more than half an hour mimicked a trumpeter, while Habinnas accompanied him, squeezing

his lip down with his fingers. Finally he actually stepped out into the middle of the room, and first imitated a

fluteplayer by means of broken reeds; then with ridingcloak and whip, acted the muleteer, till Habinnas

called him to his side and kissed him, gave him a drink and cried, "Bravo! Massa, bravo! I'll give you a pair

We should never have seen the end of these tiresome inflictions but for the ExtraCourse now coming in,

thrushes of pastry, stuffed with raisins and walnuts, followed by quinces stuck over with thorns, to represent

seaurchins. This would have been intolerable enough, had it not been for a still more outlandish dish, such a

horrible concoction, we would rather have died than touch it. Directly it was on the table, to all appearance

a fatted goose, with fish and fowl of all kinds round it. "Friends," cried Trimalchio, "every single thing you

see on that dish is made out of one substance." With my wonted perspicacity, I instantly guessed its nature,

and said, giving Agamemnon a look, "For my own part, I shall be greatly surprised, if it is not all made of

filth, or at any rate mud. When I was in Rome at the Saturnalia, I saw some sham eatables of the same sort." I

had not done speaking when Trimalchio explained, "As I hope to grow a bigger man, in fortune I mean,

not fat, I declare my cook made it every bit out of a pig. Never was a more invaluable fellow! Give the

word, he'll make you a fish of the paunch, a woodpigeon of the lard, a turtledove of the forehand, and a

hen of the hind leg! And that's why I very cleverly gave him such a fine and fitting name as Daedalus. And

because he's such a good servant, I brought him a present from Rome, a set of knives of Noric steel." These

he immediately ordered to be brought, and examined and admired them, even allowing us to try their edge on

All of a sudden in rushed two slaves, as if fresh from a quarrel at the fountain; at any rate they still had their

waterpots hanging from the shoulderyokes. Then when Trimalchio gave judgment upon their difference,

they would neither of them accept his decision, but each smashed the other's pot with a stick. We were

horrorstruck at the drunken scoundrels' insolence, and looking hard at the combatants, we noticed oysters

and scallops tumbling out of the broken pitchers, which another slave gathered up and handed round on a

platter. This refinement was matched by the ingenious cook, who now brought in snails on a little silver

I am really ashamed to relate what followed, it was so unheardof a piece of luxury. Longhaired slave boys

brought in an unguent in a silver basin, and anointed our feet with it as we lay at table, after first wreathing

our legs and ankles with garlands. Afterwards a small quantity of the same perfume was poured into the

By this time a strong wish to dance had seized upon Fortunata, while Scintilla's hands were going quicker in

applause even than her tongue in chatter, when Trimalchio said, "I give you my permission, Philargyrus, and

you, Cario, notorious champion though you are of the green, to take your places at table; also bid Menophila,

your bedfellow, to do the same." To make a long story short, we were all but thrust off our couches, such a

throng of domestics now invaded the dinner table. I actually noticed occupying a place above my own the

cook who had made a goose out of a pig, reeking as he was with fishpickle and sauces. Indeed he was not

satisfied with merely being present, but immediately began an imitation of Ephesus the Tragedian, after

which he offered his master a bet that at the next races the green would score first prize.

Delighted at the challenge, Trimalchio cried, "Yes! my friends, slaves are human beings too, and have sucked

mother's milk as well as we, though untoward circumstance has borne them down. Nevertheless, without

prejudicing me, they shall some day soon drink the water of the free. In a word, I enfranchise them all in my

will. I bequeath into the bargain a farm and his bedfellow to Philargyrus, a street block to Cario, besides a

twentieth and a bed and bedding. I name Fortunata my heir, and commend her to all my friends' kindness.

And all this I make public, to the end my whole household may love me now as well as if I were dead

All began to express their gratitude to so kind a master, when Trimalchio, quite dropping his trifling vein,

ordered a copy of his will to be fetched, and read it through from beginning to end amid the groans of all

members of the household. Then turning to Habinnas, he asked him, "What say you, dear friend? are you

building my monument according to my directions? I ask you particularly that at the feet of my effigy you

have my little bitch put, and garlands and perfume caskets and all Petraites' fights, that by your good help I

may live on even after death. The frontage is to be a hundred feet long, and it must reach back two hundred.

For I wish to have all kinds of fruit trees growing around my ashes and plenty of vines. Surely it's a great

mistake to make houses so fine for the living, yet to give never a thought to these where we have to dwell far,

But I shall take good care to provide in my will against my remains being insulted. For I intend to put one of

my freedmen in charge of my burial place, to see that the rabble don't come running and dirtying up my

monument. I beg you to have ships under full sail carved on it, and me sitting on the tribunal, in my Senator's

robes, with five gold rings on my fingers, and showering money from a bag among the public; for you

remember I gave a public banquet once, two denars a head. Also there should be shown, if you approve, a

banquetinghall, and all the people enjoying themselves pleasantly. On my right hand put a figure of my

wife, Fortunata, holding a dove and leading a little bitch on a leash, also my little lad, and some good

capacious winejars, stoppered so that the wine may not escape. Also you may carve a broken urn, and a boy

weeping over it. Also a horologe in the center, so that anyone looking to see the time must willynilly read

my name. As for the lettering, look this over carefully and see if you think it is good enough:

When he had finished reading this document, Trimalchio fell to weeping copiously. Fortunata wept too; so

did Habinnas; so did the servants; in fact, the whole household filled the room with lamentations, for all the

world like guests at a funeral. Indeed I was beginning to weep myself, when Trimalchio resumed. "Well!"

said he, "as we know we've got to die, why not make the most of life? As I should like to see you all happy,

let's jump into the bath. I guarantee you'll be none the worse; it's as hot as an oven."

"Right! right!" cried Habinnas, "to make two days out of one; nothing I should like better," and springing up

barefoot as he was, he followed Trimalchio, who led the way, clapping his hands.

For myself I said, turning to Ascyltos, "What think you, Ascyltos? as for me, to look at a bath now would kill

"Let's consent," he replied; "and then, as they are making for the bathroom, escape in the confusion."

This being agreed upon, Giton led the way through the colonnade, and we reached the housedoor, where the

watchdog greeted us with such furious barking that Ascyltos tumbled into the tank in sheer terror. I too, tipsy

as I was, and having been once already scared at a painted dog, got dragged in myself in helping him out of

the water. However the hallkeeper rescued us, who interfered and quieted the dog, and pulled us out

shivering onto terra firma. Giton had already discovered an ingenious way of disarming the animal; anything

we had given him from our dinner, he threw to the barking brute, whose temper was appeased and his

attention diverted by the food. But when, cold and wet, we asked the hallkeeper to let us out, "You're much

mistaken," said he, "if you think you can go out the same way you came in. No guest is ever dismissed by the

So what were we poor unfortunates to do now, prisoners in this new kind of labyrinth, and reduced to choose

the bath as the only alternative? We took the bull by the horns therefore, and asked the hallkeeper to show

us the way there; then throwing off our clothes, which Giton proceeded to dry in the porch, we entered the

bath, which we found to be a narrow chamber, more like a cooling cistern than anything else, with Trimalchio

standing upright in it. Not even under these circumstances could he refrain from his loathsome trick of

boasting, declaring there was nothing more agreeable than to be free of a crowd in bathing, and that his

bathhouse occupied the exact site of a former bakery. Presently, feeling tired, he sat down, and tempted by

his resonance of the bathroom, turned up his tipsy face and open mouth to the vault, and began murdering

some of Menecrates' songs, as we were told by those who could make out the words.

The remainder of the company were running hand in hand round the edge of the bath, laughing and shouting

at the top of their voices. Others with their hands tied behind their backs, were trying to pick up rings from

the pavement in their mouths, or kneeling down, to bend back and kiss the points of their toes. Whilst the

others were engaged in these amusements, we got down into the bath, that was being heated for Trimalchio.

After dissipating the fumes of wine by these means, we were next conducted to another dinnerhall, where

Fortunata had laid out a dainty banquet of her own. I noticed especially lamps suspended over the table with

miniature figures of fishermen in bronze, tables of soled silver, cups of gilt pottery ware round the board, and

Presently Trimalchio said, "You see, friends, a slave of mine has cut his first beard today, a very careful,

thrifty young man, if I may say so without offense. So let's be jovial, and keep it up till daylight doth appear."

Just as he uttered these words, a cock crew. Trimalchio, much disquieted at the circumstance, ordered wine to

be poured under the table, and some even to be sprinkled over the lamp; moreover he shifted a ring from his

left hand to his right, saying, "'Tis not for nothing chanticleer has sounded his note of warning; a fire is bound

to happen, or some one's going to die in the vicinity. Save us from ill! Anyone bringing me yonder prophet of

evil, shall have a present for his pains." No sooner said than done; a cock was instantly produced from

somewhere near, which Trimalchio ordered to be killed and put in the pot to boil. He was cut up accordingly

by the same clever cordon bleu who a while before had manufactured game and fish out of a pig, and thrown

into a stewpan. Then whilst Daedalus kept the pot boiling, Fortunata ground pepper in a boxwood mill.

These dainties being dispatched, Trimalchio turned to the servants, saying, "What! haven't you had your

dinners yet? be off now, and let the relay take your places." Hereupon a second set of attendants came in, the

outgoing slaves crying, "Farewell, Gaius!" and the incoming, "Hail, Gaius!" At this point our mirth was

disturbed for the first time; for a rather goodlooking slave boy having entered along with the new lot of

domestics, Trimalchio laid hold of him and started kissing him over and over again. At this Fortunata, to

assert "her lawful and equitable rights" (as she put it), began abusing her husband, calling him an

abomination and a disgrace, that he could not restrain his filthy passions, ending up with the epithet "dog!"

Trimalchio for his part was so enraged at her railing that he hurled a winecup in his wife's face. Fortunata

screamed out, as if she had lost an eye, and clapped her trembling hands to her countenance. Scintilla was

equally alarmed, and sheltered her shuddering friend in her bosom. At the same time an officious attendant

applied a pitcher of cold water to her cheek, over which the poor lady drooped and fell asighing and

But Trimalchio went on. "What! what!" he stormed, "has the trollop no memory? didn't I take her from the

stand in the slavemarket, and make her a free woman among her equals? But there, she puffs herself out,

like the frog in the fable; she's too proud to spit in her own bosom, the blockhead. If you are born in a hovel,

you shouldn't dream of a palace. As I hope to prosper, I'll see to it this Cassandra of the camp is brought to

reason. Why! when I was only worth twopence, I might have married ten millions of money. You know I

might. Agatho, perfumer to the lady next door, drew me aside, and 'I'll give you a hint,' said he; 'don't let your

race die out.' But I, with my silly good nature, and not wanting to seem fickleminded, I've driven my ax into

my own leg. All right! I'll make you long yet to dig me up again with your fingernails! And to show this

minute the harm you've done yourself, I forbid you, Habinnas, to put her statue on my tomb at all, that I may

not have any scolding when I'm gone. I'll teach her I can do her a mischief; I won't have her so much as kiss

After this thunderclap, Habinnas began to entreat him to forget and forgive. "Nobody," he urged, "but goes

wrong sometimes; we're men after all, not gods." Scintilla spoke to the same purpose with tears in her eyes,

and besought him in the name of his good Genius and addressing him as Gaius, to be pacified. Trimalchio

could restrain his tears no longer, but cried, "As you hope, Habinnas, to enjoy your little fortune, if I've

done anything wrong, spit in my face. I kissed the good, careful lad, not because he's a pretty boy, but

because he's so thrifty and clever. I tell you he can recite ten pieces, reads his book at sight, has bought

himself a Thracian costume out of his daily rations, besides an armchair and a pair of cups. Does he not

deserve to be the apple of my eye? But Fortunata won't have it. That's your pleasure, is it, you tipsy wench? I

warn you, make the most of what you've got, you cormorant; and don't make me nasty, sweetheart, else you'll

"However, not to forget the living, pray, my good friends, enjoy yourselves. I was once what you are now,

but my own merits have made me what you see. It's gumption makes a man, all the rest's trash. 'Buy cheap,

and sell dear,' that's me; one man will tell you one thing, another another, but I'm just bursting with success.

What! crying still, grunty pig? Mark me, I'll give you something worth crying for. But as I was saying, it was

my thriftiness raised me to my present position. When first I came from Asia, I was no higher than this

candlestick. I tell you, I used to measure myself by it every day; and the sooner to get a beard under my

nose, I would smear my lips with the lamp oil. But I was my master's joy for fourteen years; there's nothing

disgraceful in doing your master's bidding. And I satisfied my mistress into the bargain. You know what I

"Eventually, it so pleased the gods, I found myself king of the castle, and behold! I could twist my master

round my finger. To make a long story short, he made me his coheir with the Emperor, and I came into a

senatorial fortune. Still no one is ever satisfied. I longed to be a merchant prince. So, not to be tedious, I built

five ships, loaded up with wine, it was worth its weight in gold just then, and sent them off to Rome.

You might have supposed I'd ordered it so! if you'll believe me, every one of the ships foundered, and that's a

fact. In one day Neptune swallowed me up thirty millions. Do you imagine I gave in? Not I, by my faith! the

loss only whetted my appetite, as if it were a mere nothing. I built more ships, bigger and better found and

luckier, till every one allowed I was a wellplucked one. Nothing venture, nothing win, you know; and a big

ship's a big venture. I loaded up again with wine, bacon, beans, perfumery and slaves. Fortunata was a real

good wife to me that time; she sold all her jewelry and all her clothes, and laid a hundred gold pieces in my

hand; and it proved the leaven of my little property. A thing's soon done, when the gods will it. One voyage I

cleared a round ten millions. Instantly I bought back all the farms that had been my late master's; I build a

house; I buy up cattle to sell again. Whatever I touched, grew like a honeycomb. When I discovered I had as

large an income as the whole revenue of my native land amounted to, off hands; I withdrew from commerce,

and started lending money among freedmen. Moreover, just when I'd quite made up my mind to have no

more to do with trade, an astrologer advised me to the same course, a little Greek fellow, that happened to

come to our own town. Serapa he was called, up to all the secrets of the gods. He told me things I had clean

forgotten, explaining it all as pat as needle and thread; he knew my inside, he could all but tell me what I'd

had for dinner the day before. You would have thought he had lived with me all my life.

"Now tell me, Habinnas, you were there at the time, I think didn't he say: 'You have used your wealth to

set a mistress over you. You are not very lucky in your friends. No one is ever properly grateful to you. You

have enormous estates. You are nourishing a viper beneath your wing,' and why should I not tell you?

that I have now left me to live thirty years, four months and two days. Also I am soon to come in for another

fortune. This is what my Fate has in store for me. And if I have the luck to extend my lands to Apulia, I shall

have done pretty well in my day. Meantime by Mercury's good help, I have built this house. You remember it

as a cottage; it's as big as a temple now. It has four diningrooms, twenty bedrooms, two marble porticos, a

series of storerooms up stairs, the chamber where I sleep myself, this viper's sittingroom, an excellent

porter's lodge; while the guest chambers afford ample accommodations. In fact, when Scaurus comes this

way, there's nowhere he better likes to stop at, and he has an ancestral mansion of his own by the seaside.

Yes! and there are plenty more fine things I'll show you directly. Take my word for it, Have a penny, good

for a penny; have something, and you're thought something. So your humble servant, who was a toad once

"Meantime, Stichus, just bring out the graveclothes I propose to be buried in; also the unguent, and a taste of

Without a moment's delay, Stichus produced a white shroud and a magistrate's gown into the dininghall, and

asked us to feel if they were made of good wool. Then his master added with a laugh, "Mind, Stichus, mice

and moth don't get at them; else I'll have you burned alive. I wish to be buried in all my bravery, that the

whole people may call down the blessings on my head." Immediately afterwards he opened a pot of

spikenard, and after rubbing us all with the ointment, "I only hope," said he, "it will give me as much pleasure

when I'm dead as it does now when I'm alive." Further he ordered the wine vessels to be filled up, telling us

The thing was getting positively sickening, when Trimalchio, now in a state of disgusting intoxication,

commanded a new diversion, a company of hornblowers, to be introduced; and then stretching himself out

along the edge of a couch on a pile of pillows, "Make believe I am dead," he ordered. "Play something fine."

Then the hornblowers struck up a loud funeral dirge. In particular one of these undertaker's men, the most

conscientious of the lot, blew so tremendous a fanfare he roused the whole neighborhood. Hereupon the

watchman in charge of the surrounding district, thinking Trimalchio's house was on fire, suddenly burst open

the door, and rushing in with water and axes, started the much admired confusion usual under such

circumstances. For our part, we seized the excellent opportunity thus offered, snapped our fingers in

Agamemnon's face, and rushed away helterskelter just as if we were escaping from a real conflagration.

We had never a torch to guide our wandering steps, while the silent hour of midnight gave small hope of

procuring light from chance wayfarers. Added to this was our own intoxication and ignorance of the locality,

baffling even by daylight. After dragging our bleeding feet for the best part of an hour over all sorts of

stumblingblocks and fragments of projecting pavingstones, we were finally saved by Giton's ingenuity.

For being afraid even by daylight of missing his way, he had taken the precaution the day before to make

every post and pillar on the road with chalk. The strokes he had drawn were visible on the darkest night, their

conspicuous whiteness showing wanderers the way. Though truly we were in no less of a fix, even when we

did get to our inn. For the old woman had been swilling so long with her customers, you might have set her

afire without her knowing anything about it. And we might very likely have passed the night on the doorstep,

had not one of Trimalchio's carriers come up, in charge of ten wagons. Accordingly, without stopping to

Going to my chamber, I went to bed with my dear lad, and burning with amorous ardor as I was after my

Oh! what a night was that! how soft The couch, ye gods! as many a time and oft Our lips met burning in

o'ermastering bliss, And interchanged our souls in every kiss. To mortal cares I bid farewell for aye So

But my selfcongratulations were premature. For no sooner had my enfeebled hands relaxed their tipsy hold

than Ascyltos, that everlasting contriver of mischief, drew the boy away from me in the dark and carried him

off to his own bed; and there rolling about in wanton excess with another man's minion, the latter either not

noticing the fraud or pretending not to, he went off to sleep, enfolded in an embrace he had no sort of right to,

utterly regardless of all human justice. So when I awoke, and feeling the bed over, found it robbed of delight,

I declare, by all that lovers hold sacred, I had half a mind to run them both through with my sword where they

lay, and make their sleep eternal. But presently adopting safer counsels, I thumped Giton awake, and turning

a stern countenance on Ascyltos, said severely, "You have broken faith by your dastardly conduct and sinned

against our mutual friendship; remove your things as quick as may be, and go seek another place to be the

He made no objection to this, but after we had divided our loot with scrupulous exactness, "Come now," said

he, "let's divide the boy." I thought this was merely a parting jest. But murderously drawing a sword,

"Never," he cried, "shall you enjoy this prey you gloat over so selfishly. I've been slighted, and I must have

my share, even if I have to cut it off with this sword." I followed suit on my side, and wrapping my cloak

In wretched trepidation at our unhappy fury the boy fell at our knees in tears and begged and besought us not

to repeat in a miserable tavern the tragedy of the two Theban brothers, nor pollute with each other's blood the

sanctity of so noble a friendship. "But if murder must be done," he declared, "lo! here I lay bare my throat;

here strike, here bury your points. 'Tis I should die, who have violated the sacred bond of friendship."

At these entreaties we put up our swords. Then Ascyltos, taking the initiative, said, "I will end this difference.

Let the lad himself follow whom he will, so that he may be perfectly free to choose his friend and favorite."

For my part, supposing my long, long intimacy had bound the boy to me in ties as strong as those of blood, I

felt not the slightest fear, but gladly and eagerly accepted the proposal to submit the question to this

arbitrament. Yet the instant the words were out of my mouth, without a moment's hesitation or one look of

Thunderstruck at this decision, I threw myself just as I was and unarmed on my bed, and in my despair would

certainly have laid violent hands on myself, had I not grudged such a victory to my adversary. Off goes

Ascyltos in triumph with his prize, leaving me forlorn in a strange place me who so short a while before

Friendship's a name, expediency's mate, The shifting symbol of the changing slate. While Fortune's on our

side, our friends stay true; Let her once change, farewell the recreant crew! So on the stage, one plays a

father's part, A son's, a rich man's, each with pliant art; But when the play is ended, grave or gay, Dropped is

However, I had no time to indulge my grief, but dreading lest, to complete my misfortunes, Menelaus, the

underprofessor, should find me alone at the inn, I collected my traps together, and with a sad heart went off

to hire a solitary lodging near the seashore. Shutting myself up for three days there, my loneliness and

humiliation for ever haunting my mind, I spent my time in beating my poor breast, and with many a

deepdrawn groan, crying again and again, "Oh! why has not the earth swallowed me? why has the sea, that

drowns the guiltless mariner, spared me? Have I escaped the law, cheated the gallows, slain my host, that

after so many proofs of spirit, I should be lying here a beggar and a vagabond, alone and forlorn in the inn of

a paltry Greek city? And who is it has brought me to this desolation? A stripling defiled with every lust, who

on his own freedom and enfranchisement by the prostitution of his body, whose youthful favors were sold to

the highest bidder, who was hired out as a girl, when known to be a boy all the while. And what was the

other? One who donned on the day of puberty the woman's frock in lieu of the manly gown, who was bent

from his mother's womb on changing sex, who was whore to a barrackful of slaves, who after playing me

false and exchanging the instrument of his lust, abandoned his old friend and, oh! the infamy of it! like a

common strumpet sold everything in one night's vile work. Now the lovers lie twined in each other's arms

whole nights together, and it may be, as they rest exhausted after mutual excesses, make mock of my

loneliness. But they shall not go unpunished. As I am a man, and a Roman citizen, I will avenge the wrong

So saying, I gird on a sword, and that bodily weakness might not hinder my warlike intentions, recruit my

strength with a copious meal. Presently I sally forth, and stalk like a madman through all the public

colonnades. As I was prowling thus, with haggard, ferocious looks that threatened sheer blood and slaughter,

ever and anon clapping my hand to the hilt of the weapon I had devoted to my vengeance, a soldier observed

me if a simple soldier indeed he was, and not some nocturnal footpad. "Ho, there! comrade," he cried,

"what's your legion, and who's your Centurion?" I named both legion and Centurion with confident

mendacity. "Come, come," he retorted, "do the men of your division go about the streets in Greek pumps?"

Then, my face and my agitation sufficiently betraying the imposture, he ordered me to drop my weapon and

have a care I did not get into trouble. So despoiled and deprived of my means of vengeance, I retrace my

steps to the inn, and my resolution gradually slipping away, I begin to feel nothing but gratitude to the

footpad for his bold interference. It never does to trust too much to foresight, for Fortune has her own way of

Meantime I found it no easy task to overcome my thirst for revenge, and spent half the night in anxious

debate. In hopes, however, of beguiling my melancholy and forgetting my wrongs, I rose at dawn and visited

all the different colonnades, finally entering a picture gallery, containing admirable paintings in various

styles. There I beheld Zeuxis' handiwork, still unimpaired by the lapse of years, and scanned, not without a

certain awe, some sketches of Protogenes', that vied with Nature herself in their truth of presentment. Then I

reverently admired the work of Apelles, of the kind the Greeks call "monochromatic"; for such was the

exquisite delicacy and precision with which the figures were outlined, you seemed to see the very soul

portrayed. Here was the eagle towering to the sky and bearing Ganymede in its talons. There the fair Hylas,

struggling in the embraces of the amorous Naiad. Another work showed Apollo cursing his murderous hand,

Standing surrounded by these painted images of famous lovers, I ejaculated as if in solitary selfcommunion,

"Love, so it seems, troubles even the gods. Jupiter could discover no fitting object of his passion in heaven,

his own domain; but though condescending to earthly amours, yet he wronged no trusting heart. Hylas'

nymph that ravished him would have checked her ardor, had she known Hercules would come to chide her

passion. Apollo renewed the memory of his favorite in a flower; and all these fabled lovers had their way

without a rival's interference. But I have taken to my bosom a falsehearted friend more cruel than

But lo! while I am thus complaining to the winds of heaven, there entered the colonnade an old whiteheaded

man, with a thoughtworn face, that seemed to promise something mysterious and out of the common. Yet

his dress was far from imposing, making it evident he belonged to the class of men of letters, so illlooked

upon by the rich. This man now came up to me, saying, "Sir! I am a poet, and I trust of no mean genius, if

these crowns mean anything, which I admit unfair partiality often confers on unworthy recipients. 'Why then,'

you will ask, 'are you so poorly clad?' Just because I am a genius; when did love of art ever make a man

The seaborne trafficker gains pelf untold; The hardy soldier wins his spoil of gold; The sycophant on Tyrian

purple lies; The base adulterer with Croesus vies. Learning alone, in shuddering rags arrayed, Vainly invokes

"No doubt about it; if any man declare himself the foe of every vice, and start boldly on the path of rectitude,

in the first place the singularity of his principles makes him odious, for who can approve habits so different

from his own? Secondly, men whose one idea is to pile up the dollars cannot bear that others should have a

nobler creed than they live by themselves. So they spite all lovers of literature in every possible way, to put

"I cannot understand why poverty is always talent's sister," I said, and heaved a sigh.

"Nay!" I replied, "that was not why I sighed; I have another and a far heavier reason for my sorrow!" and

immediately, following the common propensity of mankind to pour one's private griefs into another's ear, I

told him all my misfortunes, inveighing particularly against Ascyltos' perfidy, and ejaculating with many a

groan, "Would to heaven my enemy, the cause of my present enforced continence, had any vestige of good

feeling left to work upon; but 'tis a hardened sinner, more cunning and astute than the basest pander."

Pleased by my frankness, the old man tried to comfort me; and in order to divert my melancholy thoughts,

"When I went to Asia," he began, "as a paid officer in the Quaestor's suite, I lodged with a family at

Pergamus. I found my quarters very pleasant, first on account of the convenience and elegance of the

apartments, and still more so because of the beauty of my host's son. I devised the following method to

prevent the master of the house entertaining any suspicions of me as a seducer. Whenever the conversation at

table turned on the abuse of handsome boys, I showed such extreme indignation and protested with such an

air of austerity and offended dignity against the violence done to my ears by filthy talk of the sort, that I came

to be regarded, especially by the mother, as one of the greatest of moralists and philosophers. Before long I

was allowed to take the lad to the gymnasium; it was I that directed his studies, I that guided his conduct, and

guarded against any possible debaucher of his person being admitted to the house.

"It happened on one occasion that we were sleeping in the dininghall, the school having closed early as it

was a holiday, and our amusements having rendered us too lazy to retire to our sleepingchambers.

Somewhere about midnight I noticed that the lad was awake; so whispering soft and low, I murmured a timid

prayer in these words, 'Lady Venus, if I may kiss this boy, so that he know it not, tomorrow I will present him

with a pair of doves.' Hearing the price offered for the gratification, the boy set up a snore. So approaching

him, where he lay still making pretense to be asleep, I stole two or three flying kisses. Satisfied with this

beginning, I rose betimes next morning, and discharged my vow by bringing the eager lad a choice and costly

"The following night, the same opportunity occurring, I changed my petition, 'If I may pass a naughty hand

over this boy, and he not feel it, I will present him for his complaisance with a brace of the best fighting

cocks ever seen.' At this promise the child came nestling up to me of his own accord and was actually afraid,

I think, lest I might drop asleep again. I soon quieted his uneasiness on this point, and amply satisfied my

longings, short of the supreme bliss, on every part of his beautiful body. Then when daylight came, I made

"As soon as the third night left me free to try again, I rose as before, and creeping up to the rascal, who was

lying awake expecting me, whispered at his ear, 'If only, ye Immortal Gods, I may win of this sleeping

darling full and happy satisfaction of my love, for such bliss I will tomorrow present the lad with an Asturian

of the Macedonian strain, the best to be had for money, but always on the condition he shall not feel my

violence.' Never did the stripling sleep more sound. So first I handled his plump and snowy bosoms, then

kissed him on the mouth, and finally concentrated all my ardors in one supreme delight. Next morning he sat

still in his room, expecting my present as usual. Well! you know as well as I do, it is a much easier matter to

buy doves and fighting cocks than an Asturian; besides which, I was afraid so valuable a present might rouse

suspicion as to the real motives of my liberality. After walking about for an hour or so, I returned to the

house, and gave the boy a kiss and nothing else. He looked about inquiringly, then threw his arms round

"'It is hard,' I replied, 'to get one fine enough. You will have to wait a few days for me to fulfill my vow.'

"The boy had wits enough to see through my answer, and his resentment was betrayed by the angry look that

"Although by this breach of faith I had closed against myself the door of access so carefully contrived, I

returned once more to the attack. For, after allowing a few days to elapse, one night when similar

circumstances had created just another opportunity for us as before, I began, the moment I heard the father

snoring, to beg and pray the boy to be friends with me again, that is, to let me give him pleasure for

pleasure, adding all the arguments my burning concupiscence could suggest. But he was positively angry and

refused to say one word beyond, 'Go to sleep, or I will tell my father.' But there is never an obstacle so

difficult audacity will not vanquish it. He was still repeating, 'I will wake my father,' when I slipped into his

bed and took my pleasure of him in spite of his halfhearted resistance. However, he found a certain pleasure

in my naughty ways, for after a long string of complaints about my having cheated and cajoled him and made

him the laughingstock of his schoolfellows, to whom he had boasted of his rich friend, he whispered, 'Still

"So forgetting all our differences, I was reconciled to the dear lad once more, and after utilizing his kind

permission, I slipped off to sleep in his arms. But the stripling was not satisfied with only one repetition, all

ripe for love as he was and just at the time of life for passive enjoyment. So he woke me up from my

slumbers, and, 'Anything you'd like, eh?' said he. Nor was I, so far, indisposed to accept his offer. So working

him the best ever I could, to the accompaniment of much panting and perspiration, I gave him what he

wanted, and then dropped asleep again, worn out with pleasure. Less than an hour had passed before he

started pinching me and asking, 'Eh! why are we not at work?' Hereupon, sick to death of being so often

disturbed, I flew into a regular rage, and retorted his own words upon him; 'Go to sleep,' I cried, 'or I'll tell

Enlivened by this discourse, I now began to question my companion, who was better informed on these

points than myself, as to the dates of the different pictures and the subjects of some that baffled me. At the

same time I asked him the reason for the supineness of the present day and the utter decay of the highest

branches of art, and amongst the rest of painting, which now showed not the smallest vestige of its former

"It is greed of money," he replied, "has wrought the change. In early days, when plain worth was still

esteemed, the liberal arts flourished, and the chief object of men's emulation was to ensure no discovery

likely to benefit future ages long remaining undeveloped. To this end Democritus extracted the juices of

every herb, and spent his life in experimenting, that no virtue of mineral or plant might escape detection. In a

similar way Eudoxus grew gray on the summit of a lofty mountain, observing the motions of the stars and

firmament, while Chrysippus thrice purged his brain with hellebore, to stimulate its capacity and

inventiveness. But to consider the sculptors only, Lysippus was so absorbed in the modeling of a single

figure that he actually perished from lack of food, and Myron, who came near embodying the very souls of

"But we, engrossed with wine and women, have not the spirit to appreciate the arts already discovered; we

can only criticize Antiquity, and devote all our energies, in precept and practice, to the faults of the old

masters. What is become of Dialectic? of Astronomy? of Philosophy, that richly cultivated domain? Who

nowadays has ever been known to enter a temple and engage to pay a vow, if only he may attain unto

Eloquence, or find the fountain of wisdom? Not even do sound intellect and sound health any longer form the

objects of men's prayers, but before ever they set food on the threshold of the Capitol, they promise lavish

offerings, one if he may bury a wealthy relative, another if he may unearth a treasure, another if only he may

live to reach his thirty million. The very Senate, the ensample of all that is right and good, is in the habit of

promising a thousand pounds of gold to Capitoline Jove, and that no man may be ashamed of the lust of pelf,

bribes the very God of Heaven. What wonder then if Painting is in decay, when all, gods and men alike, find

a big lump of gold a fairer sight than anything those crackbrained Greek fellows, Apelles and Phidias, ever

"But there! I see your attention is riveted on that picture representing the capture of Troy; so I will endeavor

Sundry of the public who were strolling in the colonnades now proceeded to pelt the aged reciter with stones.

But Eumolpus, who was familiar with the sort of applause his talents usually met with, merely covered up his

head and bolted from the Temple. I was afraid he would claim me as a poet. So I started off in pursuit of the

fugitive, and came up with him on the seashore. There we halted, directly we were out of range of the

missiles, and I asked him, "Now what do you mean by this confounded malady of yours? I have not been a

couple of hours in your company, and you've talked oftener like a mad poet than a sensible man. I don't

wonder the populace pelts you. I am going to fill my pockets with stones, and every time I see your wits

At this he changed countenance, and "Oh! my young friend," he said, "today is by no means my first essay;

every time I've entered a theater to recite some trifle, the audience invariably welcomes me with this kind of

treat. However as I am far from wishing to quarrel with you, I undertake a whole day's fast from poetry."

"Very well, then," said I; "if you'll abjure your crankiness for today, we'll dine together." So saying, I

commissioned the housekeeper at my humble rooms to make preparations for our humble meal, and we went

Arrived at the Baths, I catch sight of Giton laden with towels and scrapers, leaning against a wall and wearing

a look of melancholy embarrassment on his face. You could easily see he was an unwilling servant; and

indeed, to show my eyes had not deceived me, he now turned upon me a countenance beaming with pleasure,

saying, "Oh! have pity on me, brother! there are no weapons to fear here, so I can speak freely. Save me, save

me, from the murderous ruffian; and then lay upon your judge, now your penitent, any punishment you

please, no matter how severe. It will be comfort enough for me in my misery to have perished by your good

I bad him hush his complaints, that no one might surprise our plans, and leaving Eumolpus to his own

devices, he was engaged reciting a poem to his fellow bathers I dragged Giton down a dark and dirty

passage, and so hurried him away to my lodging. Then after bolting the door, I threw my arms round his

neck, pressing my lips convulsively to his tearstained face. It was long before either of us could find his

voice; for my darling's bosom was quivering like my own with quickcoming sobs. "I am ashamed of my

criminal weakness," I cried, "but I love you still, though you did forsake me, and the wound that pierced my

heart has left not a scar behind. What can you say to excuse your surrender to another? Did I deserve so base

"Yet," I could not help adding, "I never meant to refer the choice of whom you should love to any third

person; but there! all is forgiven and forgotten, if only you show yourself sincerely penitent." My words were

interspersed with groans and tears; when I had done, the dear boy dried my cheeks with his mantle, saying, "I

beg you, Encolpius, let me appeal to your own recollection of the circumstances. Did I desert you, or did you

throw me over? I am ready to confess, and it is my best excuse, when I saw you both sword in hand, I fled for

safety to the stronger fighter." Kissing the bosom so full of wise prudence, I threw my arms round his neck,

and to let him see he was restored to favor once more, and that my affection and confidence were as strong as

It was quite dark and the woman had completed my orders for dinner when Eumolpus knocked at the door. I

called out "How many of you are there?" and immediately proceeded to spy through a chink in the door to

see whether Ascyltos had not come too. But seeing my guest was alone, I at once hastened to let him in. He

threw himself on my pallet, and directly he observed Giton moving about in attendance he wagged his head

and remarked, "I like your Ganymede; we shall have a good time today." I was anything but pleased with this

indiscreet beginning, and began to fear I had opened my doors to another Ascyltos. Eumolpus grew more and

more pressing, and on the lad's serving him with wine, "I like you better," he said, "than any of them at the

Baths;" and draining his cup thirstily, added he had never been more vexed in his life.

"I tell you, at the Bath just now, I came very near getting a beating, merely because I tried to repeat a copy of

verses to the bathers sitting around the basin. It was just like the Theater I was turned out of the place.

Then I started to look for you in every corner of the building, shouting Encolpius! Encolpius! at the top of my

voice. Not far off was a naked youth, who had lost his clothes, and roaring with just the same clamorous

indignation after Giton. For me, I was treated like a madman by the very slave lads, who mocked and

mimicked me most insolently; he on the contrary was soon surrounded by a thronging multitude, clapping

their hands and showing the most awestruck admiration. The fact is, he possessed virile parts of such

enormous mass and weight, the man really seemed only an appendage of his own member. Oh! an

indefatigable worker! I warrant, the sort to begin yesterday, and finish tomorrow! Accordingly he soon found

a way out of his difficulties; a bystander, a Roman knight, they said, of notorious character, wrapped his own

cloak round the poor wanderer, and took him home with him, in order, I imagine, to have the sole enjoyment

of so rich a windfall. But I should never have recovered so much as my own clothes from the Bathkeeper, had

I not produced some one to vouch for me. So much better does it profit a man to train his member than his

During Eumolpus's narrative I changed countenance repeatedly, now jubilant at my hated rival's misfortunes,

now saddened by his success. I held my tongue, however, pretending to know nothing of the matter, and set

to work arranging the dinner table. I had hardly finished this, when our humble repast was brought in; the fare

was homely, but succulent and substantial, and Eumolpus, our famished scholar, fell to with a will, extolling

After satisfying his appetite, our philosopher began to moralize, indulging in many criticisms of such as

despise familiar things and attach value only to what is rich and rare. To their perverted taste anything that is

allowable is held cheap, while they display a morbid predilection for forbidden luxuries.

"Is this the way," I cried, "you keep your promise of making no more poetry today? On your conscience,

spare us at least, who have never thrown a stone at you. Once let any one of the company drinking under the

same roof with us scent out your poetship, he will rouse the whole neighborhood and overwhelm us all in the

same ruin. Have some pity on your friends, and remember the picture gallery and the baths." But Giton, who

was all gentleness, remonstrated with me for speaking so, and declared I was doing ill thus to jeer at my

elders. He said I was forgetting my duty as a host, and after inviting a man to my table out of compassion,

was nullifying the obligation by then insulting him. Other remarks follow, all equally imbued with

moderation and good sense, and coming with added grace from so beautiful a mouth.

"Happy the mother of such a son!" exclaimed Eumolpus. "Go on, good youth, and prosper! Rare indeed is

such a combination of wisdom and beauty. Never think all your words have been wasted; you have won a

lover! I, I will extol your praises in my verse. I will be your preceptor and your guardian, your companion

everywhere, even when unbidden. Nor has Encolpius anything to complain of, who loves another." The

speaker had much to be thankful for to the soldier who had taken away my sword; otherwise the wrath I had

conceived against Ascyltos would surely have been wreaked on Eumolpus's head. Giton saw what was

toward, and slipped out of the room, as if to fetch water; and his judicious departure abated the extreme heat

of my indignation. My anger cooled a little, and I told Eumolpus, "Sir! I would rather have you talking poetry

than entertaining such hopes as these. I am a passionate man, and you a lecherous; our characters, look you,

can never accord together. Suppose me stark mad; humor my frenzy, in other words, leave the house

Confounded at this outburst, Eumolpus never stopped to ask my reasons, but instantly left the room, drew the

door to after him, and locked me in, to my intense surprise. He carried off the key with him, and hurried away

Finding myself a prisoner, I resolved to hang myself and so end my miseries. I had already attached my girdle

to the framework of a bed which stood against the wall, and was just fitting the noose round my neck, when

the doors were flung open again, and Eumolpus coming in with Giton recalled me to the light of life from the

fatal bourne I had so nearly passed. Giton especially, his agony turning to rage and fury, uttered a piercing

shriek, and pushing me down headlong on the bed with both hands, "You deceive yourself, Encolpius," he

cried, "if you think you can contrive to die before me. I was first; I have already been to Ascyltos's lodging to

look for a sword. Had I not found you, I was going to hurl myself over a precipice. Now, to show you Death

is never far from those who seek him, behold in your turn the sight you intended me to witness."

With these words he snatches a razor from Eumolpus's hired servant, and drawing it once and again across

his throat, tumbles down at our feet. Uttering a cry of horror, I fall on the floor beside him, and seek to take

my own life with the same weapon. But neither did Giton exhibit the smallest sign of a wound, nor did I

myself feel any pain. The fact is, the razor had no edge, coming from a case of razors purposely blunted, with

the object of training barbers' apprentices to a proper confidence in the exercise of their craft; and that was

why the servant from whom he snatched the instrument had expressed no sort of consternation, nor had

In the midst of this lovers' fooling, the landlord enters with another course of the dinner, and staring hard at

us where we lay sprawling disgracefully on the floor, "Are you all drunk," he asked, "or runaways, or both?

Now who put up that bed against the wall like that? and what do all these underhanded proceedings mean?

By great Hercules, you intended, you scamps, to levant in the night, and get out of paying the rent for your

room. Not so fast, I say. I'll let you know it's no poor widow woman's the owner of the block, but Marcus

Mannicius." "You threaten, do you," shouts Eumolpus, and fetches the man a good sharp slap in the face. The

latter hurled at his head an earthenware jar, emptied by a succession of thirsty guests, cut open his noisy

adversary's forehead, and darted out of the room. Furious at the indignity, Eumolpus snatches up a wooden

candlestick, pursues the fugitive, and revenges his injury with a shower of blows. The whole household

comes crowding to the scene of action, together with a mob of drunken customers. Now was my opportunity

for retaliation; so I turn the tables on Eumolpus by shutting the blackguard out, and find myself without a

Meanwhile the unfortunate Eumolpus, being locked out, is assaulted by the scullions and miscellaneous

tenants of the block. One threatens his eyes with a spit loaded with hissinghot guts; another snatches a

fleshhook from the kitchen hearth and assumes a fighting attitude. First and foremost, an old hag with sore

eyes and a most filthy apron, and mounted on wooden clogs (an odd pair) hauls in a huge dog on a chain, and

sets him at Eumolpus, who however made a gallant defense against all assailants with his candlestick. All this

we saw through a hole in the door, just made by the wrenching off of the handle of the wicket, and for my

Giton on the contrary, with his usual tenderheartedness, was for opening the door and rescuing him from his

perilous position. My resentment being still hot within me, I could not hold my hand, but favored the poet's

sympathizer with a good smart box on the side of the head, at which he went and sat down crying on the bed.

For myself, I put first one eye, then the other, to the opening, and was regaling myself with the sight of

Eumolpus's sorry plight and mentally patting his assailants on the back, when Bargates, the agent of the

block, who had been called away from his dinner, was borne into the heart of the skirmish by a couple of

chairmen, for he was disabled by the gout. After a long harangue against drunkards and runaways, uttered in

a savage tone and barbarous accent, he said, turning upon Eumolpus, "My prince of poets, you here? and

these ruffianly slaves don't fly at once and stop their brawling!" Then putting his lips to Eumolpus's ear, "My

bedfellow," he went on, in a more subdued tone, "is a scornful jade; so if you love me, blackguard her in

Whilst Eumolpus was talking apart with Bargates, a crier attended by a public slave and a small crowd of

curious persons besides, entered the inn, and brandishing a torch that gave more smoke than light, read out

"Lost or strayed lately in the Baths, a boy, aged sixteen, curlyheaded, a minion by trade, goodlooking,

Giton by name. Whoever will bring back the same or give information of his present whereabouts, will

Not far from the herald stood Ascyltos in a particolored robe, exhibiting description, and voucher for the sum

promised, on a silver platter. I told Giton to dash under the bed and twist his hands and feet into the cords by

which the mattress was supported on the framework, so that stretched full length underneath, like Ulysses of

old clinging under the ram's belly, he might escape any prying hands. Giton promptly obeyed, and in another

instant had cleverly twisted his fingers in the attachments, and beaten the wily Ulysses at his own game. For

my part, so as to leave no room for suspicion, I heaped the pallet with clothes and shaped an impression

Meantime Ascyltos, visiting each room in succession with the apparitor, arrived at mine, where his hopes of

success rose the higher on finding the door so carefully barred. But the public slave, inserting his ax in the

crack of the door, broke the hold of the fastenings. Thereupon I threw myself at Ascyltos' feet and implored

him by the memory of our former friendship and our companionship in misfortune at any rate to let me see

Giton. Nay! more, to give color to my pretended supplication, "I am well aware, Ascyltos," I cried, "that you

have come to murder me; why else have you brought these axes with you? Take your revenge then; see, I

offer my neck, so shed my life's blood, which you are seeking under pretense of searching my room."

Ascyltos protested indignantly against the imputation, asseverating he was there only to look for his runaway

favorite; he desired, he said, no man's, certainly no suppliant's death, and least of all that of a man whom,

Nor was the public slave idle meanwhile, but snatching a cane from the innkeeper, he thrusts it under the bed,

and even investigates every cranny in the walls. Giton kept shirking away from the stick, and holding his

breath in abject terror, squeezed closer and closer, till the bugs were tickling his very nose.

Scarcely had the men left the room when Eumolpus, for the shattered door could keep no one out, dashes in

in great excitement, shouting, "The thousand sesterces are mine; I shall now run after the officer and

denounce you, as you richly deserve, and inform him Giton is in your hands at the present moment." I

embrace the poet's knees but he remains obdurate; I beseech him not to kill the dying; I tell him, "Your

resolution would have some sense in it, if you could produce the missing boy, but he has disappeared in the

crowd, and I cannot so much as guess where he is gone to. In heaven's name, Eumolpus, bring the lad back

He was just beginning to credit my plausible story when Giton, all but smothered and choking for breath,

give three loud sneezes one after the other, so that the bed positively shook. Eumolpus wheeled round at the

commotion, exclaiming, "Giton, God bless you!" Then lifting the mattress away, he reveals Ulysses in such a

plight even a halfstarving Cyclops might well have spared him! Next turning to me, "What is the meaning

of all this, you thief?" said he. "What! even when found out, you had not spirit enough to tell the truth. In

fact, if some God that governs human affairs had not made the boy betray where he hung concealed, I should

Giton, a far better wheedler than myself, first stanched the wound in the poor man's forehead with some

cobwebs dipped in oil; then exchanged his own little cloak for the other's torn robe, and seeing him somewhat

mollified, kissed his bruises to make them well, crying, "We are in your keeping, in your hands, dearest

father! If you love your Giton, try, oh! try to save him. I would the consuming fire might scorch me to ashes,

the raging waters overwhelm me, and me alone! For 'tis I am the subject, I the cause, of all these wicked

Touched by our troubles, and above all stirred by Giton's blandishments, Eumolpus exclaimed, "Fools, fools;

gifted as you are with qualities to ensure your happiness, you persist in leading a life of wretchedness, and

every day by your own acts draw down fresh torments on your heads. My plan of life has always been, so to

spend each day as if it were my last, that is in peace and quietness; if you would follow my example, dismiss

all anxious thoughts from your minds. Ascyltos persecutes you here; then fly his neighborhood, and come

with me on a voyage I am about to make to foreign parts. I sail as a passenger in a vessel that may very likely

weigh this very night; I am well known on board, and we shall be sure of a hearty welcome."

His advice appeared to me sound and good, as it was likely to free me from further annoyance on the part of

Ascyltos, and at the same time gave promise of a happier existence. Overwhelmed by Eumolpus's generosity,

I felt profoundly sorry for the insults I had just been offering him and very penitent for my jealousy, which

had given rise to so many calamities. With floods of tears I begged and prayed him to include me too in his

forgiveness, pointing out that it was beyond the power of lovers to control their frenzies of jealousy. I

pledged myself for the future to do or say nothing whatever that could give him offense, and urged him to

banish all irritation from his mind, as a learned and educated man should, so that not a trace of injury should

remain. "On rugged and uncultivated ground," I went on, "the snow lies long, but where the soil has been

disciplined and improved by the plow, the light snowfall melts away before you can say it has fallen. It is the

same with resentment in men's hearts; it abides long in uncultured minds, but melts quickly from the surface

of such as have been trained and educated." "To prove the truth of what you say," returned Eumolpus, "I

hereby end my anger with this kiss. So in luck's name, pack up your traps and follow me, or if you so prefer,

The words were still on his lips when the door flew open with a crash, and a roughbearded sailor appeared

on the threshold, who shouted, "You're all behind, Eumolpus; don't you know the Blue Peter's flying?"

In an instant we were all afoot. Eumolpus wakes his servant, who had long ago dropped asleep, and orders

him off with his baggage. Giton and I pack up all our belongings for the journey, and after a prayer to the

We chose out a retired spot on the sterndeck, and as it was not even yet daylight, Eumolpus dozed off; but

neither Giton nor myself could get a single wink of sleep. I reflected with anxiety on the fact that I had made

a companion of Eumolpus, a still more redoubtable rival than Ascyltos, and the thought gave me no peace.

But reason presently getting the better of my chagrin, "It is certainly unfortunate," I said to myself, "that our

friend finds the boy so much to his liking; but then are not all Nature's finest productions common to all

mankind? The sun shines on the just and on the unjust. The moon, with her countless train of attendant stars,

lights the very beasts of the wilderness to their prey. What can be more beautiful than water? Yet it flows

freely for all and sundry. Is Love alone to be furtively snatched and not won in the open field? Nay! for my

own part, I would rather not have any good thing that all the world may not covet. One rival, and that an old

man, will hardly do me much harm; even should he wish to presume, he will but lose his labor, for want of

Reassured by the unlikelihood of his success, I calmed my anxieties, and wrapping my head in my cloak,

tried to persuade myself I was asleep. But all of a sudden, as if Fortune were resolved to destroy my

composure, a lamentable voice sounded on the poopdeck, crying, "What! has he fooled me then?" It was a

man's voice, and one not unfamiliar to my ears, and my heart began to beat wildly. Nor was this all; for now a

woman, equally indignant, blazed out in an even fiercer tone, "If only some god would put Giton in my

power, what a welcome I would give the vagabond!" Stunned by the unexpectedness of the words, we both

turned pale as death. I was particularly terrified, and felt as if I were being tortured by a horrible nightmare.

When I found my voice at last, I asked Eumolpus, who was just dropping off to sleep, plucking at the skirt of

his tunic with trembling hands, "By all you deem holy, father, whose ship is this? and who are aboard her?

He was furious at being disturbed. "So this was the reason," he grumbled, "you chose out the quietest nook on

the deck for us to occupy, that you might not allow us one moment's rest? What the better are you, when I've

told you Lichas a Tarentine commands the ship, and that Tryphaena is his passenger to Tarentum?" I

shuddered horrorstruck at this thunderclap, and baring my throat, "Oh! Destiny," I ejaculated, "now truly is

your triumph complete!" Giton for his part fell in a dead faint on my bosom. Presently, when a copious sweat

had relieved the tension of our spirits, I grasped Eumolpus round the knees, and cried, "Have pity on two

dying wretches, and in the name of what we both hold dear, end our life; death draws nigh, and unless you

Overwhelmed by my odious suspicion, Eumolpus swore by gods and goddesses he knew nothing whatever of

what had happened, and had never entertained a thought of treachery; but that in absolute innocence of heart

and simple good faith he had led his comrades aboard the ship he had long ago chosen for his own

conveyance overseas. "Come now, what plot is there afoot?" he demanded; "what Hannibal have we on board

with us? Lichas of Tarentum, a most respectable man, and not merely owner of this vessel, which he

commands himself, but of sundry landed estates besides and a house of commerce, is carrying a cargo to sell

in the way of business. So this is the Cyclops, the pirate king, we owe our passagemoney to; then besides

him, there is Tryphaena, the fairest of fair women, who is sailing from port to port on pleasure bent."

"Why! these," retorted Giton, "are the very persons we wish to avoid," and gave the amazed Eumolpus a

short account of the reasons for their hostility and the extremity of the risk we ran. So confounded was he at

the news, he knew not what advice to offer, but besought each of us to say what he thought. "Imagine us

entrapped," he went on, "in the Cyclops' cave; some means or other of escape must be discovered, unless we

"Better," interposed Giton, "persuade the pilot to steer the ship into some harbor, of course making it worth

his while, and tell him your brother is so subject to seasickness he is at death's door. You can easily color this

excuse with woebegone looks and streaming tears, so that the officer may grant you the favor out of sheer

compassion." But Eumolpus at once declared this scheme to be impracticable; "for big ships," he pointed out,

"require to be laboriously warped into landlocked harbors; besides, how utterly improbable it will sound that

the boy should have come to such a desperate pass so quickly as all this. Another point. Most likely Lichas

will want to visit a sick passenger as a mark of civility. How singularly pleasant for us, look you, to have the

captain, whom we particularly wish to avoid, coming to see us of his own motion! But again, granted the

vessel could be turned from her main course, and that Lichas should never think of inspecting the sick boy,

how are we to get off the ship without every soul on board seeing us? With faces muffled, or faces bare? If

muffled, who but will spring forward to help the poor patients ashore? If bare, what does this amount to but

"Nay! why not," I interposed, "make a bold stroke, slip down a rope into the ship's boat and cutting the

painter leave the rest to Fortune? Not that I expect Eumolpus to join in the venture; why should we involve an

innocent man in troubles that in no way concern him? Enough for me if good luck attend us two on our

descent into the boat." "Not at all a bad idea," said Eumolpus, "if only it were feasible; but who could help

noticing your attempt, first and foremost the pilot, who is on watch all night, observing every motion of

the stars? Possibly you might elude his vigilance during an instant's sleepiness, if escape were practicable by

any other part of the vessel; but as things are, you are bound to escape by the stern, past the very helm, for

that is where the rope is made fast that secures the boat. Besides, I wonder this never occurred to you,

Encolpius, that one of the crew is on watch in the boat night and day, a sentinel you cannot get rid of, except

by killing the man or pitching him neck and crop overboard. As to the feasibility of this, well! consult your

own courage. About my accompanying you myself, I shirk no danger that gives the faintest hope of success.

But to throw away one's life as a thing of no importance is, I am sure, what you do not approve of.

"Now consider how you like this plan; I will clap you in a couple of hides, cording you up among my clothes

as part of my luggage, of course leaving sufficient openings for you to breathe and eat through. Then I will

raise an outcry to the effect that my slaves have both jumped overboard, because they were afraid of a more

terrible punishment. So when we get into port, I will convey you ashore as baggage without exciting any

"Oh! you would pack us up in bales, as if we were solid inside, eh? and not liable to evacuations at all? as

if we never sneezed or snored? The same sort of trick turned out such a success once before, didn't it?

Granted we could endure the bondage for a day, what if a calm or a contrary gale prolonged the time further?

what would become of us then? Why! even clothes, if kept too long tightly packed, cut at the folds, and

papers grow illegible, when tied up in bundles. Young and unused to hardship, how shall we endure swathing

bands and ligaments, like graven images? We must find some better way of escape than this. Listen to what I

have hit on. Eumolpus, as a man of letters, of course carries ink about him; let us black ourselves with it from

head to foot. Then as Ethiopian slaves we shall be at your service, lighthearted and free from fear of

"Why certainly," cried Giton, "circumcise us too, that we may pass for Jews, and bore our ears to imitate

Arabs, and chalk our faces that Gaul may claim us as her sons! As if a change of color could modify the

whole appearance; why! a host of alterations must be united to make the illusion convincing. Grant our dyed

faces would keep their black; suppose no touch of water to make the color run, no blot of ink to stick to our

clothes, an accident that will often happen even when no mucilage is added; pray, can we give ourselves the

hideous swollen lips of the African? can we transform our hair to wool with curlingtongs? can we scar our

brows with rows of ugly wrinkles? render ourselves bowlegged and flatfooted? give our beards that

outlandish look? A dye may disfigure the person, it cannot change it. Now hear a desperate man's remedy; let

"Gods and men forbid," cried Eumolpus, "you should end your days in so base a fashion. Better, far better, do

as I advise. My servant, as the razor incident showed you, is a barber; let him instantly shave you both, not

heads only but eyebrows as well. I will second his efforts, marking your foreheads with writing, so cleverly

executed you will have all the look of a pair of branded slaves. My lettering will at one and the same time

divert the suspicions of your pursuers, and under the guise of a degrading punishment, conceal your real

This plan was approved, and our metamorphosis effected without delay. We stole to the side of the ship, and

submitted our heads and eyebrows too to the barber's tender mercies. Eumolpus then proceeded to cover both

our foreheads with enormous capital letters, and with a liberal hand sprawl the wellknown sign of runaways

all over our faces. It so happened that one of the passengers, who was leaning over the side unburdening his

seasick stomach, privately noted the barber busied with this unseasonable moonlight work, and with a curse

at the sinister omen of an act so nearly resembling the last despairing vow of shipwrecked mariners, hurried

back to his berth. Feigning indifference to the sufferer's imprecation, we fell into the same melancholy train

of thought as before, and settling down in silence, spent the remaining hours of darkness in an uneasy doze.

Next day, directly Eumolpus learned Tryphaena was risen, he entered Lichas's cabin; here, after some

conversation about the prosperous voyage promised by the fine weather, Lichas remarked, turning towards

Tryphaena, "Priapus appeared to me in a dream last night, and said, 'Encolpius, the man you are in search of,

I hereby tell you, has by me been brought on board your ship.'" Tryphaena started violently; "You might

think we had slept together," she exclaimed; "for I too saw a vision, that image of Neptune I noticed in the

"This will show you plainly," interrupted Eumolpus, "that Epicurus was a man inspired, who most elegantly

Lichas, however, after duly expiating Tryphaena's dream, said, "Who is to hinder us searching the ship

The passenger who had so unfortunately surprised our furtive maneuvers during the night, Hesus he was

called, now suddenly broke in with the question, "Who were the fellows then that were shaved by moonlight

last night, an abominable thing to do, upon my word! For they tell me it's wicked for any man alive, when

aboard ship, to cut either nails or hair, except when the wind is at odds with the waves."

Lichas flew into a passion of anger and consternation at the words, blustering, "Has anyone dared to cut his

hair on my ship, and at dead of night too? Produce the culprits instantly, that I may know whose head must

"It was I," Eumolpus confessed, "ordered it. If I have brought down ill luck, I shall not escape my share, for

am I not to travel in the same ship? But the fact is the offenders had such monstrously long and shaggy hair I

ordered the wretches' unkempt locks to be shorn, that I might not seem to be turning our good ship into a jail,

as also that the letters branded on their brows might be legible to all men's eyes, being no longer

overshadowed and hidden by the hair. Amongst other knavish tricks, they have been spending my money on

a lighto'love they kept between them, from whose side I dragged them away only last night reeking with

wine and filthy perfumes. Indeed at this very minute they stink of the relics of their debauch and it is all at

Accordingly, by way of expiation to the tutelary spirit of the ship, it was decreed we should each of us

receive forty stripes. Without further delay the savage sailors fall upon us, anxious to appease the deity with

our wretched blood. For myself, I digested three lashes with Spartan fortitude; but Giton, at the very first

blow, set up such a yell his well remembered voice penetrated straight to Tryphaena's ears.

Nor was the mistress the only one startled by his cries; all her maids as well, attracted by the familiar tones,

gather round the triangles. Already had his wondrous beauty begun to disarm the sailors and deprecate their

rage with its mute appeal, when Tryphaena's women all chime in with the cry, "Giton! it's Giton! stay, oh!

stay your savage hands. Help, help, mistress! it's Giton!" Tryphaena turns only too ready an ear to their

words, and flies headlong to his side. Lichas, who knew me perfectly, just as well as if he had heard my voice

too, now runs up, and looking neither at hands nor face, but instantly lowering his eyes to my middle, politely

laid his hands on those parts, and greeted me by my name. Why wonder any longer at Ulysses' nurse, after

twenty years, identifying the scar that proved his birth, when this most observing master mariner, spite of

every lineament of face and form being disguised, yet pounced shrewdly on the sole and only attribute that

betrayed the fugitive. Tryphaena burst into tears, supposing our disfigurement real and that we had been

branded on the brow as slaves and inquired in soft tones of pity, what dungeon we had fallen into on our

wanderings, or whose hands had been barbarous enough to inflict so terrible a punishment. Doubtless they

had merited some mark of ignominy, the runaways, whom her favors had only turned into enemies but not

Frenzied with indignation, Lichas sprang forward, crying, "Oh! the simplicity of the woman! to actually

believe these scars were made and the letters really imprinted, with the brandingiron! I only wish the marks

they have disfigured their faces with were permanent! This would be some satisfaction to us at any rate. As a

matter of fact, the whole thing's a farce, and the lettering a delusion and a snare!"

Tryphaena was by way of showing some compassion, inasmuch as all was not lost for her pleasures; but

Lichas, remembering his wife's seduction and the insults he had received in the portico of the Temple of

Hercules, and showing a countenance fiercely contorted with passion, cries, "This will show you, I imagine,

Tryphaena, the immortal gods do govern human lives. Have they not brought the culprits all unwitting on

board our ship, yea! and warned us of the fact by dreams coinciding in every particular with the truth? Look

you now, how can we pardon offenders whom God himself puts into our hands for chastisement? For my

part, I'm not a cruel man; but I dare not spare them, lest I suffer for it myself."

Impressed by these superstitious arguments, Tryphaena changed her mind, and declared she would make no

further objection to our punishment, but would gladly second so just a piece of retribution. She had received,

she added, as cruel wrong as Lichas himself; for had not her good name been publicly traduced before a

'Twas terror first gave origin to gods, When the forked lightning, flashing from the sky Would o'erwhelm

towns and lofty Athos fire. Next, rising Sun, and waxing, waning Moon, Offerings received. So idols filled

the world, And not a month but had its proper god. Far spread the taint; blind superstition led The rustic

swain to pay his firstfruits' toll To Ceres, and with grapes Bacchus to crown, And Pales venerate, the

shepherds' god; So Neptune ruled the waves, Pallas the schools. Each man of mark, each founder of a State,

Lichas, seeing Tryphaena eager as himself for revenge, ordered our punishment to be renewed and increased.

On hearing this Eumolpus endeavored to mitigate his anger by the following speech: "The unhappy beings

whose destruction your vengeance claims, imploring your compassion, Lichas, they have chosen me, as one

not unknown to you, to the office of mediator, to reconcile them once more to those they formerly held so

You cannot really suppose the young men fell into this trap by mere chance; for surely the very first thing an

intending passenger asks, is the name of the person he is to intrust his safety to. Relent then; be satisfied with

the penalties already exacted and suffer free men to proceed to their destination without further injury. The

harshest and most unforgiving of masters stay their cruelty, when slaves return home penitent; and do we not

all of us spare enemies who surrender? What more do you want or desire? Prostrate before you lie these

youths, men of birth and breeding though they be, and what is more than this, friends once bound to you in

the ties of closest intimacy. Had they embezzled your money, had they betrayed your trust, by great Hercules!

even then your resentment might be satisfied with the pains and penalties you behold. Lo! the marks of

servitude upon their brows, and their faces free men's faces wearing voluntarily the degrading badge of

But Lichas cut short the plea of mercy. "Nay! you confuse the issue," he interrupted; "you should keep each

point separate and distinct. First of all, if they came here of their own free will, why did they shave their

heads? The man who adopts a disguise is after no good, but is trying to deceive. Secondly, if they were

seeking forgiveness and reconciliation through your good offices, why did you take every possible pains to

keep your clients concealed? It is plain enough the culprits did fall into the trap accidentally, and that you are

"Then for your special pleading, your noisy claim about their being men of birth and breeding, have a care

you don't injure your case by overconfidence. Whatever is the injured party to do, when the guilty run

blindly to their own punishment? But, you urge, they were our friends; the more thoroughly, I say, have they

earned their chastisement. The man who wrongs mere strangers, is called a robber; he who betrays his

Eumolpus, to rebut this damaging reasoning, replies, "There is nothing, I gather, tells more heavily against

the unfortunate young men than the fact of their having cut off their hair by night; this is taken to prove they

did not come on board voluntarily, but by mischance. I only trust my explanation may seem as simple and

straightforward as the act itself was simply and innocently done. They purposed, before ever they embarked,

to have eased their heads of an annoying and needless burden, but the wind springing up sooner than was

expected forced them to put off their visit to the barber; nor did they for an instant imagine it mattered where

they carried out the intention they had formed, knowing nothing of the omen involved or the rules aboard

"What made them take the guise of suppliants and shave their heads," was Lichas's only answer, "unless

possibly because bald heads are more likely to win compassion? But there, what use trying to get at the truth

through an interpreter? What have you to say for yourself, you thief? What salamander has burnt off your

eyebrows? what god have you vowed your locks to? Answer me, villain." As for me, I stood dumfounded,

silenced by my terror of punishment, unable in my confusion to find a word, so plain was the case against me.

Besides, I was so disfigured, what with my cropped head and my eyebrows as bare as my forehead, I could

do nothing and say nothing becomingly. But when presently my tearful face was wiped with a wet sponge,

and the ink being thus moistened and smeared all over my countenance, my features were all confounded

together in one sooty cloud, his anger turned into disgust. Eumolpus stoutly declared he would not stand by

and see freeborn men degraded against all right and justice, and protested against our savage foeman's threats

not only in word but in act. His protests were seconded by his hired servant and by one or two passengers

very much exhausted by seasickness, and whose interference was more of an inducement to further violence

than an accession of strength. I asked for no mercy for myself, but shaking my fists in Tryphaena's face, I

cried out in a bold, loud voice, I would use all my strength upon her, if she laid a finger on Giton, cursed

This insolence made Lichas still more angry, for he was furious at seeing me thus abandon my own cause to

protest on Giton's behalf. Nor was Tryphaena less enraged at the affront, and the whole ship's company was

split into two opposing factions. On the one side the barber servant is busied distributing his razors amongst

us, after first arming himself with one of them, on the other Tryphaena's slaves are tucking up their sleeves

the better to use their fists. Even the maids did their part, encouraging the combatants with their cries, the

pilot alone protesting and declaring he would leave the helm, if they did not make an end of this frantic

Even this threat failed to mitigate the fury of the disputants, our adversaries fighting for revenge, and

ourselves for dear life. Numbers fall on either side, though no one is actually killed; still more retire wounded

and bleeding, like soldiers after a pitched battle, without anyone showing the smallest loss of determination.

At this crisis the gallant Giton suddenly clapped his razor menacingly to his virile parts, threatening to

amputate the cause of so many calamities; but Tryphaena forbade the perpetration of the horrid deed, readily

granting him quarter. I myself repeatedly laid a similar weapon to my throat, though without any more

intention of really killing myself than Giton had of carrying out his threat. At the same time he was able to

enact the comedy with the more reckless realism, knowing as he did that the razor in his hand was the

Both sides kept the field with equal resolution, till the pilot, seeing it was likely to be no everyday fight,

arranged after no little difficulty that Tryphaena should act as peacemaker and effect a truce. So after mutual

pledges had been exchanged in the timehonored fashion, holding forth an olive branch she had hastily

snatched from the image of the tutelary deity of the vessel, she advanced boldly to the parley.

"What direful rage," she cries, "turns peace to war? What crime is ours? No faithless Paris here Rides in our

ship, nor Menelaus' bride, Nor with a brother's gore Medea dyed. 'Tis slighted love inspires the feud, and

craves For blood and murderous deeds amidst these waves; Why die before our time? your wrath forbear,

This effusion, pronounced by Tryphaena in a broken voice, did something to stop the fray, the combatants at

length turning their thoughts to a peaceful solution and ceasing from active hostilities. Eumolpus, the leader

on our side, at once seized the opportunity for reconciliation thus offered, and after first indulging in a fierce

invective against Lichas and all his doings, put his seal to a treaty of peace, which ran as follows:

"From the bottom of your heart, you, Tryphaena, do promise and undertake to forego all complaint of the

wrong done you by Giton; and never, by reason of any act of his committed aforetime, to upbraid, or punish,

or in any wise molest him. Furthermore, that you will do nothing to the boy against his free will and pleasure,

neither embracing, nor kissing, the said Giton, nor fornicating with him, except under forfeiture of one

"Item: from the bottom of your heart, you, Lichas, do promise that you will in no wise annoy Encolpius with

word or look of contumely, nor inquire where he may sleep at night; or if you so do, that you will

A truce being agreed to upon these terms, we laid down our arms, and in order that no vestige of rancor might

be left, once the oath was taken, it was resolved we should kiss away all memory of past injuries. All being

unanimous for peace, our swelling passions soon subside, and a banquet served with emulous alacrity crowns

our reconciliation with the pledge of goodfellowship. The whole ship resounds with singing, and a sudden

calm having arrested her progress, one might be seen harpooning the fish that leapt above the waves, while

another would he hauling in the struggling prey enticed by his cunningly baited hooks. Seabirds too came

and settled on the main yard; these a practised sportsman touched with his jointed fowlingrods, and

conveyed them glued to the limed tackle into our very hands. The down flew dancing in the air, while the

larger feathers fell into the sea and tossed lightly to and fro on the foamcapped waves.

Lichas seemed already on the point of making it up with me, and Tryphaena was throwing the last drops of

her wine amorously over Giton, when Eumolpus, who was as drunk as anybody, took it into his head to start

jeering at people who were baldheaded and branded. Eventually coming to the end of his exceedingly

pointless witticisms, he once more dropped into poetry, and treated us to the following little "Lament for

He was still longing, I verily believe, to give us more of this stuff or perhaps something worse, when

Tryphaena's maid led Giton away below and dressed the lad up in one of her mistress's heads of hair. She

next produced eyebrows out of a makeup box, and cleverly following the lines of the lost features, soon

restored him to all his pristine comeliness. Tryphaena saw Giton once more under his true colors, and

bursting into tears, gave the boy the first genuine and heartfelt kiss she had bestowed on him since his

misfortunes. Rejoiced as I was to see the lad restored to his former beauty, I could not help continually hiding

my own face, feeling how extraordinarily I must be disfigured, since Lichas did not deign to give me so much

as a word. However I was rescued before long from these sad thoughts by the kind offices of the same maid

servant, who now called me aside and decked me out with an equally elegant substitute for my lost ringlets.

But Eumolpus, champion of the distressed and author of the existing harmony, fearing that our cheerfulness

should flag for lack of amusing anecdotes, commenced a series of gibes at women's frailty, how lightly

they fell in love, how quickly they forgot even their own sons for a lover's sake, asserting there was never yet

a woman so chaste she might not be wrought to the wildest excesses by a lawless passion. Without alluding

to the old plays and worldrenowned examples of women's folly, he need only instance a case that had

occurred, he said, within his own memory, which if we pleased he would now relate. This offer concentrated

"There was once upon a time at Ephesus a lady of so high repute for chastity that women would actually

come to that city from neighboring lands to see and admire. This fair lady, having lost her husband, was not

content with the ordinary signs of mourning, such as walking with hair disheveled behind the funeral car and

beating her naked bosom in presence of the assembled crowd; she was fain further to accompany her lost one

to his final restingplace, watch over his corpse in the vault where it was laid according to the Greek mode of

burial, and weep day and night beside it. So deep was her affliction, neither family nor friends could dissuade

her from these austerities and the purpose she had formed of perishing of hunger. Even the Magistrates had to

retire worsted after a last but fruitless effort. All mourned as virtually dead already a woman of such singular

"A trusty handmaid sat by her mistress's side, mingling her tears with those of the unhappy woman, and

trimming the lamp which stood in the tomb as often as it burned low. Nothing else was talked of throughout

the city but her sublime devotion, and men of every station quoted her as a shining example of virtue and

"Meantime, as it fell out, the Governor of the Province ordered certain robbers to be crucified in close

proximity to the vault where the matron sat bewailing the recent loss of her mate. Next night the soldier who

was set to guard the crosses to prevent anyone coming and removing the robbers' bodies to give them burial,

saw a light shining among the tombs and heard the widow's groans. Yielding to curiosity, a failing common

to all mankind, he was eager to discover who it was, and what was afoot. Accordingly he descended into the

tomb, where beholding a lovely woman, he was at first confounded, thinking he saw a ghost or some

supernatural vision. But presently the spectacle of the husband's dead body lying there, and the woman's

tearstained and nailtorn face, everything went to show him the reality, how it was a disconsolate widow

unable to resign herself to the death of her helpmate. He proceeded therefore to carry his humble meal into

the tomb, and to urge the fair mourner to cease her indulgence in grief so excessive, and to leave off torturing

her bosom with unavailing sobs. Death, he declared, was the common end and last home of all men,

enlarging on this and the other commonplaces generally employed to console a wounded spirit. But the lady,

only shocked by this offer of sympathy from a stranger's lips, began to tear her breast with redoubled

vehemence, and dragging out handfuls of her hair, she laid them on her husband's corpse.

"The soldier, however, refusing to be rebuffed, renewed his adjuration to the unhappy lady to eat. Eventually

the maid, seduced doubtless by the scent of the wine, found herself unable to resist any longer, and extended

her hand for the refreshment offered; then with energies restored by food and drink, she set herself to the task

of breaking down her mistress's resolution. 'What good will it do you,' she urged, 'to die of famine, to bury

yourself alive in the tomb, to yield your life to destiny before the Fates demand it?

"'Nay! rather return to life, and shaking off this womanly weakness, enjoy the good things of this world as

long as you may. The very corpse that lies here before your eyes should be a warning to make the most of

"No one is really loath to consent, when pressed to eat or live. The widow therefore, worn as she was with

several days' fasting, suffered her resolution to be broken, and took her fill of nourishment with no less

"Now you all know what temptations assail poor human nature after a hearty meal. The soldier resorted to the

same cajolements which had already been successful in inducing the lady to eat, in order to overcome her

virtue. The modest widow found the young soldier neither illlooking nor wanting in address, while the maid

"But why make a long story? The lady showed herself equally complaisant in this respect also, and the

victorious soldier gained both his ends. So they lay together not only that first night of their nuptials, but a

second likewise, and a third, the door of the vault being of course kept shut, so that anyone, friend or stranger,

that might come to the tomb, should suppose this most chaste of wives had expired by now on her husband's

corpse. Meantime the soldier, entranced with the woman's beauty and the mystery of the thing, purchased day

by day the best his means allowed him, and as soon as ever night was come, conveyed the provisions to the

"Thus it came about that the relatives of one of the malefactors, observing this relaxation of vigilance,

removed his body from the cross during the night and gave it proper burial. But what of the unfortunate

soldier, whose selfindulgence had thus been taken advantage of, when next morning he saw one of the

crosses under his charge without its body! Dreading instant punishment, he acquaints his mistress with what

had occurred, assuring her he would not await the judge's sentence, but with his own sword exact the penalty

of his negligence. He must die therefore; would she give him sepulture, and join the friend to the husband in

"But the lady was no less tenderhearted than virtuous. 'The Gods forbid,' she cried, 'I should at one and the

same time look on the corpses of two men, both most dear to me. I had rather hang a dead man on the cross

than kill a living.' So said, so done; she orders her husband's body to be taken from its coffin and fixed upon

the vacant cross. The soldier availed himself of the readywitted lady's expedient, and next day all men

This story set the sailors all laughing, while it made Tryphaena blush not a little and lay her face amorously

against Giton's bosom. Lichas on the other hand was far from laughing, and shaking his head indignantly, "If

the Governor of Ephesus had been a just man," he declared, "he should have returned the good husband's

body to the tomb and hung the woman on the cross." Doubtless he was thinking of the injury done to his own

bed, and the pillage of his ship by the roving band of wantons. But not only did the terms of our treaty forbid

his bearing rancor, but the mirth that filled all hearts left no room for resentment. Meantime Tryphaena,

sitting on Giton's lap, was now covering his breast with kisses, now adjusting his wig so as to set off his face

For myself, so chagrined and impatient was I at this new and unexpected reconciliation I could neither eat nor

drink, but sat looking grimly askance at the pair. Every kiss they exchanged wounded me, and every artful

blandishment the wanton employed. I knew not whether I was the more incensed with the boy for having

robbed me of my mistress, or with my mistress for debauching the boy. Both sights cut me to the quick, and

were far more painful than my late captivity. To make things worse, Tryphaena never vouchsafed me a word,

as she surely might have to a friend and a once favored lover, nor did Giton deign so much as to do me the

common courtesy of drinking my health, or at the very least speaking to me in the course of general

conversation. I suppose he was afraid, just at the commencement of renewed favors on the lady's part, of

reopening a scarcely healed wound. Tears of vexation wetted my bosom, and the groans I stifled under the

The vulture grim that, sick hearts torturing, Mangles the inmost vitals day and night, Is not the bird

Notwithstanding my dismal countenance, my flaxen wig set off my beauty to advantage, and Lichas,

inflamed afresh with amorousness, began to cast sheep's eyes at me and to solicit my favors, adopting more

the tone of a friend than of a supercilious master who commands. Many were his attempts, but all in vain; at

last, his advances meeting with nothing but decided rebuffs, his love changed to fury, and he endeavored to

carry the place by assault. But Tryphaena, making a sudden inroad, observed his naughtiness, whereupon he

This added fresh fuel to Tryphaena's wantonness, who demanded, "What was Lichas aiming at in these ardent

attempts of his?" She forced me to explain, and fired by my tale, remembering too our former intimate

relations, would fain have had me renew our bygone amours. But I was tired out with excessive venery, and

rejected her advances with scorn. At this, Tryphaena, in a frenzy of desire, threw her arms wildly around me

and hugged me so tight I uttered a sudden cry of pain. One of the maids rushed in at the sound, and jumping

to the conclusion I was extorting from her mistress the very favor I refused her, sprang at me and tore us

apart. Mad with the disappointment of her lecherous passion, Tryphaena upbraided me violently, and with a

thousand threats hastened away to Lichas, to still further exasperate him against me and to join him in

You must know that at one time I had found much favor in this same waitingmaid's eyes, when I was on

familiar terms with her mistress; so she took it extremely ill when she surprised me with Tryphaena, and

sobbed bitterly. I eagerly inquired the reason of her distress, and after making some show of reluctance, she

burst out, "If you have one drop of good blood in your veins, you will treat her as no better than a strumpet;

This incident perplexed my mind and made me still more anxious; but what I feared more than anything else

was that Eumolpus might get wind of the circumstances, such as they were, and being a most sarcastic person

might compose a versified lampoon to avenge my supposed wrongs, for in that case his fiery partisanship

would undoubtedly have made me ridiculous, a thing I especially dreaded. I was just debating in my own

mind how I could keep Eumolpus from this knowledge, when behold! the very man in question appeared,

perfectly acquainted with what had occurred; for Tryphaena had retailed the whole circumstances to Giton,

trying to indemnify herself for my rebuff at my little favorite's expense. This had made Eumolpus furiously

angry, all the more as these ebullitions of amorousness were open violations of the treaty signed and sealed

between us. The instant the old fellow set eyes on me, he began bewailing my lot, and begged I would tell

him exactly how it had all happened. So I frankly told him, seeing he was thoroughly posted already, of

Lichas's abominable attempt and Tryphaena's lecherous provocations. After listening to my tale, Eumolpus

swore in good set terms, that he would avenge us, declaring the Gods were too just to suffer such villainies to

Whilst we were still engaged in talk of this and the like sort, the sea rose and heavy clouds gathering from all

quarters plunged the scene in darkness. The sailors run to their posts in panic haste, and take in sail to ease

the ship. But the wind, continually changing, had raised a crosssea, and the helmsman was uncertain what

course to steer. At one moment the storm would be driving us towards Sicily, while at others the North Wind,

that tyrant of the Italian coast, would repeatedly whirl our helpless ship hither and thither at its mercy; and

what was more dangerous than all the squalls, a sudden darkness had fallen, so thick the helmsman could not

see even to the ship's bows. So the tempest being, God knows, utterly overpowering, Lichas stretches forth

his hands towards me in terror and supplication, crying, "Help us, Encolpius, help us in our peril; restore that

sacred robe and the sistrum you robbed the ship of. By all you hold sacred, have pity, you who are so

tenderhearted usually." As he was vociferating thus, the gale swept him overboard; he rose once and again

from the raging whirlpool, then the waters whirled him round and sucked him under.

Tryphaena on the contrary was saved by the fidelity of her slaves, who seized her, put her in the ship's boat

along with the greater part of her baggage, and so rescued her from certain death.

Clinging to Giton, I lamented, "Is this all the Gods give us, to unite us only in death? Nay! cruel Fortune

grudges even this. Look! in an instant the waves will overset the ship; look! the angry sea will in an instant

sever the embraces of two lovers. If ever you truly loved Encolpius, kiss me, while you may, and snatch this

As I said the words, Giton threw off his robe, and creeping inside my tunic, protruded his head to be kissed.

Moreover, that the cruel waves might not tear our embrace asunder, he girt us both together with a girdle

round our waists, crying, "If nothing else, at least we shall thus float longer united; or if the ocean be so

merciful as to cast up our dead bodies on the same shore, either some passerby will have the common

humanity to heap a cairn over us, or else the unconscious sand will give us a burial even the angry waves

cannot dispute." I submit to this last and final bond, and calm as if composed on my funeral couch, await a

The tempest meantime carries out the decrees of Fate, and beats down the last defenses of the ship. Mast and

rudder are carried away, and not a rope or an oar left; like a mere shapeless mass of logs she goes drifting

with the billows. Some fishermen now put out hastily in their small craft to loot the vessel; but when they

saw men were still on board ready to defend their property, they changed from wreckers into rescuers.

Suddenly we hear an extraordinary noise, like the howling of a wild beast trying to get out, coming from

underneath the master's cabin. Following up the sound, we discover Eumolpus seated, dashing down verses

on a huge sheet of parchment. Marveling how the man could find leisure in the very face of death to be

writing poetry, we haul him out in spite of his clamorous protests, telling him to have some common sense

for once. But he was furious at the interruption, and shouted, "Let me finish my phrase; my poem's just in the

throes of completion!" I laid violent hands on the maniac, calling on Giton to help me drag the bellowing poet

ashore. After accomplishing our purpose with much difficulty, we found dismal shelter in a fisherman's hut,

where having refreshed ourselves as best we might with provisions damaged by seawater, we passed a most

Next day, as we were debating what district we might most safely make for, I suddenly caught sight of a

human body that was driving ashore, tossing lightly up and down on the waves. I stood sadly waiting, gazing

with wet eyes on the work of the faithless element, and thus soliloquized, "Somewhere or another, mayhap, a

wife is looking in blissful security for this poor fellow's return, or a son perhaps, or a father, all unsuspicious

of storm and wreck; be sure, he has left some one behind, whom he kissed fondly at parting. This then is the

end of human projects, this the accomplishment of men's mighty schemes. Look! how now he rides the

I was still deploring the stranger's fate, as I supposed him to be, when the swell heaved the face, still quite

undisfigured, towards the beach, and I recognized the features of Lichas, my erstwhile enemy, so formidable

and implacable a foe, now cast helpless almost at my feet. I could restrain my tears no longer, but smiting my

breast again and again, "Where is your anger now," I exclaimed, "and all your domineering ways? There you

lie, a prey to the fishes and monsters of the deep; you who so short a while ago proudly boasted your despotic

powers, have never a plank left of your great ship. Go to, mortals; swell your hearts with highflown

anticipations. Go to, ye men of craft; arrange the disposal for a thousand years to come of the wealth you

have got by fraud. Why! only yesterday this dead man here cast up the accounts of his fortune, and actually

fixed in his own mind the day, when he should return to his native shore. Ye Gods! how far away he lies from

the point he hoped to reach. Nor is it the sea alone that disappoints men's hopes like this. The warrior is

betrayed by his arms; the householder in the act of paying his offerings to heaven is overwhelmed in the ruin

of his own penates. One is thrown from his car, and breathes his last hurried breath; the glutton dies of an

overhearty meal, the frugal man of fasting. Reckon it aright, and there is shipwreck everywhere. But then a

drowned man misses burial, you object. As if it made one scrap of difference how the perishable body is

consumed, by fire, by water, or by time. Do what you will, these all end in the same result. Ah! but wild

bests will mangle his corpse. As if fire would treat it any kindlier; why! fire is the very penalty we deem the

most appalling, when we are savage with our slaves. What folly then to make such ado to ensure that no part

of us remain unburied, when the Fates arrange this matter at their pleasure, whether we will or no."

After indulging in these grim thoughts, we proceed to perform the last offices to the dead man, and Lichas,

borne by the hands of his illwishers to the pile, is consumed to ashes. Eumolpus meantime is busy

composing an epitaph for the departed, and after rolling his eyes about for a while in search of inspiration,

This office duly and willingly performed, we pursue our interrupted journey, and in a very brief space of time

arrive sweating at the top of a steep hill, whence we spy at no great distance a city occupying the summit of a

lofty crag. We did not know its name, being mere wanderers, until a peasant informed us it was Croton, a

very ancient place and once upon a time the first town of all Italy. We next inquired anxiously what sort were

the people inhabiting this famous site, and what commerce they mostly carried on since the ruin of their

"Good strangers," the fellow replied, "if so be you are merchants, change your trade and seek some other

means of livelihood. But if you are of a more genteel stamp, and can tell lies without end and stick to them,

you're in the straight road to fortune. In this city literature is not cultivated, nor does eloquence find favor;

sobriety and morality meet with neither commendation nor success; its inhabitants each and all, you must

know, belong to one or other of two classes, viz., legacy hunters and their prey. In this city no man rears

children, for whosoever has natural heirs of his own, is admitted to no entertainment, no public show;

excluded from every privilege of citizenship, he is condemned to a life of furtive obscurity among the lowest

of the low. The unmarried on the contrary and all who have no near kindred, attain the highest honors; they

alone are brave, and capable, and respectable. You will find the town," he concluded, "like a pestfield, where

Eumolpus, more farseeing than the rest of us, pondered over these novel arrangements and admitted the

method indicated of making a fortune took his fancy. For my part, I supposed the old poet was joking in his

fantastic way, but he went on quite seriously, "I only wish I had a more adequate stock in trade, I mean a

more fashionable robe and more elegant outfit generally, to make the imposture more convincing. Great

Hercules; I would get done with my wallet for good and all, and lead you all straight to wealth." On this I

promised him whatever he required, provided the dress we used for our lightfingered work would satisfy

him; together with anything we had appropriated from Lycurgus's place. As for ready money, this we might

"What hinders us then," cried Eumolpus, "to arrange our little comedy? Make me master, if you like my

plan." None of us ventured to disapprove a project where we had nothing to lose. Accordingly, to ensure the

deception being faithfully kept up by all concerned, we swore an oath in terms dictated by Eumolpus, to

endure fire, imprisonment, stripes, cold steel, and whatsoever else he might command us, in his behalf. Like

regular gladiators we vowed ourselves most solemnly to our master, body and soul.

After completing the oathtaking, we salute our master with pretended servility, and are instructed all to tell

the same tale, how Eumolpus had lost a son, a young man of prodigious eloquence and high promise; how

consequently the poor old father had quitted his native city, that the sight of his boy's clients and companions

and the vicinity of his tomb might not be continually renewing his grief. This sad event, we were to add, had

been followed by a recent shipwreck, which had cost him two million sesterces; that it was not however so

much the loss of the money which annoyed him as the fact that for want of a proper retinue he could not

fittingly keep up his rank. Further, that he had thirty millions in Africa invested in landed estates and

securities, and such a host of slaves scattered over the length and breadth of Numidia that they could storm

In accordance with this scheme, we direct Eumolpus to cough a great deal, to have a weak digestion at any

rate, and in company to grumble at every dish set before him; to be for ever talking about gold and silver, and

unproductive farms, and how terrible barren land always was; also every day to sit over accounts, and

regularly once a month to add new codicils to his will. And to make the farce quite complete, whenever he

wished to call one of us, he was to use the wrong name, plainly showing the master was thinking of other

Matters being thus arranged, after praying the gods for "good success and happy issue," as the phrase runs,

we set forward. But poor Giton could not stand his unusual load; while Corax, Eumolpus's hired man,

objecting strongly to his job, kept everlastingly dropping his pack and cursing us for going too fast; he swore

he would either throw away his traps, or else make off with the swag altogether. "Do you take me for a beast

of burden," he grumbled, "or a stoneship? I contracted for a man's work, not a dray horse's! I'm as much a

freeman as you are, though my father did leave me a poor man." Not content with bad language, he kept

lifting up his leg again and again, and filling the road with a filthy noise and a filthy stench. Giton only

laughed at his impudence, and after each explosion gave a loud imitation of the noise with his mouth.

But even this did not hinder the poet from relapsing into his accustomed vein. "Many are the victims, my

young friends," he began, "poetry has seduced! The instant a man has got a verse to stand on its feet and

clothed a tender thought in appropriate language, he thinks he has scaled Helicon right off. Many others, after

long practice of forensic talents, finally retreat to the tranquil calm of versemaking as to a blessed harbor of

refuge, imagining a poem is easier put together than an argument all embroidered with scintillating conceits.

But a mind of nobler inspiration is revolted by this flippancy; and no intellect that is not flooded with a

mighty tide of learning, can either conceive or bring to birth a worthy poetic child. In diction, anything

approaching commonness, if I may use the word, is to be avoided; a poet must choose words devoid of base

Again, care should be exercised to avoid sentiments that stand out as mere excrescences on the framework of

the main conception; let the fabric be as brilliant as it may, its colors must be ingrained in the stuff. I may

instance Homer, and the Lyric poets, and our Roman Virgil, and Horace with his happy preciosity. The rest,

one and all, were blind to the true path to Parnassus, or if they did see it, were afraid to tread it.

"Look at that mighty subject, the Civil Wars; anyone attempting it, if not a man of the ripest scholarship, will

sink under the burden. It is no question of a string of facts to be catalogued in verse, a task the Historian will

perform far better; nay! rather must the untrammeled spirit be hurried along through a series of digressions

and divine interventions and all the intricacies of myth and fable. The inspired frenzy of the bard should be

more apparent than the tested pedantry of scrupulous precision. For example, see how you like this rapid

Eumolpus having declaimed this effusion with prodigious volubility, we eventually entered the gates of

Croton. Here we baited at a small, mean inn, but started out next morning to find a lodging of greater

pretensions. We soon fell in with a mob of legacy hunters, who plied us with questions as to who we were

and where we came from. So we answered both inquiries, in strict accordance with the plan arranged between

us, with an exaggerated glibness, and they believed every word of it; for they instantly put their fortunes at

Eumolpus's disposal, almost fighting which should be first to do him this service. One and all offer presents,

Things went on thus at Croton for a long time, till Eumolpus, intoxicated with success, so completely forgot

his former lowly condition as to boast to his followers how no one could resist his influence, and that any

misdemeanor they might have committed in the town, they could carry off with impunity by his friends' good

offices. For my part however, though every day I stuffed my swollen carcass with a greater superfluity of

good things and really thought Fortune had at last ceased watching me with an eye of malevolence, still I

often reflected on my present mode of life and the way it had come about. "What if some astute legacy

hunter," I often said to myself, "sent some one to Africa to make inquiries, and discovered our swindle? What

if Eumolpus's servant, as is just possible, sick of this life of luxury, should give a hint to his cronies and

betray the whole imposture out of malice? Why! we should just have to fly once more, return to the penury

we have at last got the better of, and start begging afresh. Gods and goddesses of heaven! what a life outlaws

Thus communing with myself, I quit the house in a most melancholy mood, hoping to refresh my spirits with

the open air out of doors. I had scarcely entered the public promenade, when a girl of far from unpleasing

exterior met me, and calling "Polyaenos," the name I had adopted by way of disguise, informed me that her

"You have surely made a mistake," I answered in some confusion; "I am but a foreigner and a slave, and

"Nay! my mission was to yourself," she returned; "but I see, because you know your own beauty, you give

yourself airs, and sell your favors, instead of giving them. What else can those waved and well combed locks

mean, and that madeup face, and the languishing look of your eyes? For what else that studied gait, and

mincing steps that never exceed a measured pace, except to sell your person by the meretricious display of

your charms? Look at me; I am no augur, no student of the planets like the astrologers, yet I can infer a man's

character from his looks, and foretell his intentions the moment I see his way of walking. Therefore, if you

are willing to sell us what I require, there's a customer all ready; or, if you will give it, like a gentleman, we

shall be glad to be under this obligation to you. You tell me you are a slave and a common varlet; this only

the more inflames my mistress's heated imagination. There are women fancy muck, whose passions are

stirred only at the sight of slaves or runner boys with bare legs. Others are hot after gladiators, or dusty

muleteers, or actors swaggering on the boards. This is the sort my mistress is; she jumps clean over the

fourteen rows from orchestra to gallery, to seek her choice among the rabble of the back benches."

So, charmed with her fascinating chatter, "Tell me, my dear," I said, "is this lady who loves me yourself?"

The maid laughed heartily at my cool way of putting it, saying, "Pray! pray! don't be so mighty pleased with

yourself. I've never given myself to a slave yet; and God forbid I should waste my embraces on

gallowsbirds. 'Tis their own lookout, if ladies go kissing the marks the lash has left; for my part, though I'm

I was astounded at such abnormal predilections, and thought it monstrous thus to find the maid with the

Presently, after further pleasantries had passed, I begged the girl to bring her mistress into the plane tree

avenue. She was quite agreeable, and tucking up her skirts dived into a laurel wood that bordered the

promenade. In a very few moments she brought out her mistress from where she was hiding, and led her up to

me, a more perfect being than ever artist fashioned. There are no words to express her beauty, for anything I

can say will fall far short of the reality. Her locks, which curled naturally, rippled all over her shoulders, her

brow was low, the hair being turned back from it, her brows, extending to the very spring of the cheek,

almost met between the eyes, which shone brighter than stars in a moonless sky, her nose was slightly

aquiline, her little mouth such as Praxiteles gave Diana. Chin, neck, hands, snowwhite feet confined in

elegant sandals of gold work, all vied with Parian marble in brilliancy. For the first time I thought lightly of

Quite delighted, she smiled so sweetly I thought I saw the moon breaking fullfaced from a cloud. Presently,

with fingers punctuating her words, she laughed, "If you are not too proud to enjoy a woman of condition,

and one who only within the year has known your sex. I offer you a 'sister,' fair youth. You have a 'brother'

already, I know, for I did not disdain to make inquiries, but what hinders you to adopt a sister too? I claim a

"Nay!" I replied, "by your own loveliness I adjure you, deign to admit an alien among your worshipers. You

will find him a sincere devotee, if you give him leave to adore you. And that you may not think I enter this

"What!" she cried, "you sacrifice to me the being you cannot live without, on whose kisses your happiness

depends, whom you love as I would have you love me?" As she said these words, they sounded so sweetly

you might have thought it was the Siren's harmonies came floating on the breeze. So, lost in admiration and

dazzled with a wondrous effulgence brighter than the light of heaven, I was fain to ask my divinity's name.

"Why! did not my maid tell you," she replied, "I was called Circe? I am not indeed the daughter of the Sun;

nor did my mother ever stay at her good pleasure the course of the revolving globe. Still I have one noble

boon to thank heaven for, if the fates unite us two. Yes! some god's mysterious, silent workings are beneath

all this. 'Tis not without a cause Circe loves Polyaenos; a great torch of sympathy flames between these

names. Then take your will of me, beloved one. For we have no prying interference to dread, and your

With these words Circe threw her arms, that were softer than down, around my neck, and drew me down on

Side by side on the grass we lay, dallying with a thousand kisses, the prelude to robuster joys. But alas! a

sudden debility of my nerves quite disappointed Circe, who exclaimed, infuriated at the affront, "What now?

do my kisses revolt you? is my breath offensive with fasting? are my armpits uncleanly and smelling? If it is

Flushing hotly at her words, I lost any little vigor still left me, and my whole frame feeling dislocated, I

So trivial an excuse was far from appeasing Circe's indignation. She turned her eyes contemptuously away

from me, and glancing towards her maid, "Tell me, Chrysis," she said, "and tell me true. Am I repulsive? am

I sluttish? is there some natural blemish disfigures my beauty? Do not deceive your mistress; there must be

Then, as Chrysis stood silent, she snatched up a mirror, and after rehearsing all the looks and smiles lovers

are wont to exchange, she shook out her robe that lay crumpled on the ground, and flounced off into the

Temple of Venus. I was left standing like a convicted felon, or a man horrorstruck with some awful vision,

asking myself whether the bliss I had been cheated of was indeed a reality or only a dream.

My calamity really seemed to me a dream, or rather a hallucination; and so long did my enervation last, I

could not so much as get up off the ground. However the mind recovering its tone by degrees, my strength

slowly came back to me, and I made for home, where feigning indisposition, I threw myself down on my

pallet. Before long, Giton, who had heard I was ill, entered my chamber in much concern. To make his mind

easier, I told him I had gone to bed merely to take a rest, talking a deal of other stuff besides, but not a word

about my misadventure, as I very much dreaded his jealousy. So to avoid all suspicion, drawing him to my

side, I tried to give him a proof of my love, but all my panting and sweating was in vain. He got up full of

indignation, and upbraiding me with debilitated vigor and diminished affection, declared he had noticed for a

long time I must certainly have been expending my strength of mind and body elsewhere.

"No! no! darling," I interrupted, "my affection for you has always been the same; but reason now prevails

"Well! thank you, thank you for the Socratic innocency of your passion. Alcibiades was not more

uncontaminated when he lay in his preceptor's bed." "I tell you, little brother," I went on, "I have lost all

knowledge and sense of manhood. Dead and buried is that part of me that once made me a very Achilles!"

Seeing I was really unnerved, and afraid, if he were caught alone with me, it might give rise to scandal, he

withdrew in haste, retreating to an inner room of the house. He was hardly gone when Chrysis entered my

room and handed me her mistress's tablets, on which was written the following letter:

"If I were a mere wanton, I should complain of my disappointment. Instead I am positively grateful to your

impotence; for so I enjoyed longer dalliance with the semblance of pleasure. What I ask is, how you do, and

whether you got home on your own legs; for doctors say a man cannot walk without nerves. I will tell you

what I think; beware, young Sir, of paralysis. I never saw a patient in more imminent danger; upon my word

and honor, you are as good as dead already. If a like lethargy attack your knees and hands, I should advise

"Well! well! dire as is the affront I have received, still I will never grudge a prescription to a man in your

miserable plight. If you would be cured, ask Giton's help. You will recover your nerve, I assure you, if you

sleep three nights running apart from your 'little brother.' For myself, I have no fear but I can find another

admirer to love me a little. My mirror and my reputation both tell me this is true.

As soon as Chrysis saw I had read this caustic epistle to the end, "These accidents are common enough," she

said, "and particularly in this city, where there are women who can lure down the moon out of the sky. So

never fear, your matter shall be set right; only write back graciously to my mistress and restore her

confidence with a candid and gentlyworded reply. For to tell you the honest truth from the hour you

I complied very willingly with the girl's suggestion, and wrote the following answer on the tablets:

My declamation ended, I called Giton to me and asked him, "Tell me, darling, tell me on your honor; that

night Ascyltos stole you from me, did he resort to active violence upon you, or was he content with a night of

selfrestraint and continence?" The lad touched his eyes, and swore in the most solemn terms that Ascyltos

I queried him no further for the truth is, I was so crushed by my misfortunes I was not master of myself, and

did not rightly know what I was saying. Let bygones be bygones, I murmured to myself, especially when

nothing but pain can come from recalling them. Eventually I directed all my attention to the task of

I was determined even to consecrate myself to the gods; accordingly I started out implore the help of Priapus.

To make the best of things, I feigned a cheerful countenance, and dropping on my knees at the Temple

Whilst I was thus engaged, anxiously intent on the part affected, the old woman entered the shrine with

disheveled hair and wearing black garments all in a state of disorder, and laying her hand on my shoulder led

"What foul witches have devoured your manhood?" she exclaimed; "what refuse or what garbage have you

trod on in the streets at night? You could not so much as do your duty by the boy; but flabby, faint and weary,

like a carthorse at a hill, you wasted your labor and your sweat in vain! And now, not content with your own

delinquencies, you have set the gods against me as well and I mean to make you smart for it."

So she led me unresisting back again into the Temple and to the Priestess's chamber, where she pushed me

down on the bed, and snatching up a cane that hung behind the door, she gave me yet another thrashing. Still

I said not a word, and if the cane had not split at the first stroke, and so lessened the force of her blows, she

would likely have broken my arms or my head. I groaned dismally, particularly at the way she worked my

member, and bursting into a torrent of weeping, hid my face in my hand and cowered down on the pillow.

The old woman was also melted to tears, and sitting down on the other side of the bed, began to complain in

Presently the Priestess came in, "Why! what has brought you to my chamber," she cried, "and with these long

faces, as if you were come to a funeral? and on a holiday too, when the most sorrowladen laugh for once."

"Oh, it's this young man here, Oenothea," the old woman answered; "for sure, he was born under an evil star;

he cannot sell his goods to boy or girl. You never saw so unfortunate a fellow; soaked leather, that's what his

tool is! What think you of a man, I ask you that, who left Circe's bed without having tasted pleasure?" On

hearing this, Oenothea sat down between us, and after shaking her head awhile, "I am the only woman," she

said, "knows how to cure this complaint. And that you may not think I'm doing at random, I require the

young fellow to sleep one night with me, and see if I don't make it stiff as horn!

I shuddered with terror to hear her promise such miracles, and began to scrutinize the old woman more

"Now," ejaculated Oenothea, "now do as I tell you." And after washing her hands with scrupulous care, she

She then placed an old table on the middle of the altar, and filling it with live coals, proceeded to patch up an

ancient bowl, so timeworn it was falling to pieces, with melted pitch. Next she put back in the

smokebegrimed wall a peg which had come down along with the wooden bowl, when she unhitched the

latter. Presently after donning a square cloak, she set a huge cookingpot on the fire, at the same time with a

fork reaching down a cloth from the meatrack, in which was stored a supply of beans and some exceedingly

stale pieces of pig's cheek, slashed with a thousand cuts. She undid the string, shook out some of the contents

on to the table, and bade me strip them smartly. Obeying her orders, I proceed carefully to separate the beans

from the filthy pods that contained them. But Oenothea, chiding my slowness, incontinently snatches them

from me, and instantly stripping off the husks with her teeth, spits them out on the ground, where they looked

like dead flies. I could not help admiring the ingenuity of poverty, and the knack there is in every single

thing. Indeed, this virtue of poverty found so ardent a follower in the Priestess, it was conspicuous in every

Then, having shelled the beans and eaten a scrap of the meat, she took a fork and went to replace the pig's

cheek, which was as great an antiquity as herself; but the rotten stool, on which she had mounted so as to

reach up to the rack, broke down under the old woman's weight and threw her on the fire. The lip of the

cookingpot was smashed, and put out the fire, that was just burning up; the woman's elbow was burnt by a

redhot ember, and her whole face begrimed with the flying ashes. I sprang up in dismay, and not without

some inward laughter set the old thing on her legs again; this accomplished, she ran instantly to a neighbor's

I was making my way to the door of the cottage, when lo and behold! three sacred geese, which I suppose the

old woman was in habit of feeding at midday, rushed at me and set me all in a twitter, pressing round me with

their disconcerting and almost rabid cackle. One of them tore my tunic, another undid my shoestrings and

dragged at them, the third, leader and director of the savage assault, actually worried my leg with its serrated

beak. So, thinking it no time for nonsense, I dragged off a leg of the table, and armed with this weapon started

belaboring the warlike creature. Nor was I satisfied with trifling blows, but avenged my hurt by killing the

I left the creature sprawling, while its companions, after picking up the beans that were scattered all about the

floor, and finding themselves I suppose bereft of their leader, retreated into the Temple again. Then, proud of

my booty and the vengeance I had exacted, I tossed the dead bird behind the bed, and washed the trifling

wound in my leg with vinegar. Presently, fearing a scolding, I determined to be off, and gathering my

belongings together started to leave the cottage. I had not yet crossed the threshold however when I saw

Oenothea coming along with an earthen pot full of fire. I drew back again therefore, and throwing aside my

robe, as if I had been waiting for her return, took my stand at the entrance. She packed her fire on some reeds

broken up small, and piling up the top with a number of logs, began to excuse her delay, saying her friend

had refused to let her go till she had drained the three cups custom required. Then, "What have you been

I really thought I had done something very praiseworthy and described the whole battle to her in detail,

finally, to end her melancholy, presenting her with the dead goose in compensation for her loss. Directly the

old woman set eyes on the bird, she set up such a terrible outcry you might have thought the geese had

invaded the place again. Confused at this and astounded at the strange nature of my offense, I repeatedly

begged her to tell me why she was so angry, and why all her pity was for the goose and none at all for me.

But beating her palms together, "How dare you speak," she screamed, "abandoned wretch! You must know

what an atrocity you have committed; you have killed the delight of Priapus, the goose that was the darling of

all the matrons. You think it's a trifle you've done! if the Magistrates get wind of it, you'll be crucified.

You have polluted my home with blood, that was never profaned before; and put it in the power of any

"Don't shout so, I beseech you," I interposed; "I tell you, I'll give you an ostrich for your goose." She was still

sitting on the pallet and bewailing the goose's untimely death, with me standing in amazement, when

Proselenos arrived with the materials for the sacrifice. Directly she saw the dead bird, she asked excitedly

how the calamity had occurred, and she too began to weep violently, and make as much ado over me as if I

had killed my own father instead of a public goose. Feeling utterly sick of the tiresome business, "Now tell

me," I expostulated, "could not I purchase expiation for money, if it was you I had assaulted, even though I'd

done murder. Look you, I offer two gold pieces, enough to buy both gods and geese with." As soon as

Oenothea saw the coins, "Forgive me, young man," she exclaimed; "'tis for your sake I am so anxious, and

that shows affection surely, not malice. (And we'll take care that no one shall know anything about it.) Only

Meantime the Priestess, bustling about, placed a bowl of wine under my hands, and making me spread out

my fingers evenly, purified them with leeks and parsley. Then with a muttered charm she dipped filberts in

the wine, and according as they rose to the surface again, or sank, she drew her prognostications. But I did

not fail to observe that the blind nuts, with nothing but air inside of kernels, naturally floated on the top,

while the heavy ones, that were full and sound within, settled to the bottom. Next turning her attentions to the

goose, she opened its breast and drew out a fine fat liver, and proceeded to predict my future prospects from

the indications it afforded. Nay! that not a trace of my crime might be left, she broke up the whole bird, and

sticking the pieces on spits, prepared a very appetizing dinner for me, whom she so short a time before

condemned to death with her own lips. Meantime bumpers of unmixed wine were circulating freely, and the

old woman merrily gobbled up the goose they had been mourning over so sadly just before. When it was all

gone, the Priestess, now half drunk, turned to me and said, "We must complete the mysteries, to recover you

So saying, Oenothea brought out a leathern godemiche, which she smeared with oil and ground pepper and

pounded nettle seed, and then proceeded to insert it little by little up my back. Next the cruel old dame

anoints my two thighs with the same concoction. Then mixing nasturtium juice with southernwood, she

bathes my genitals with the stuff, and grasping a bundle of stinging nettles, begins slowly and methodically to

lash my belly with them all over below the navel. The nettles burn sharply, and I suddenly take to my heels,

the old woman after me in hot haste. Though disordered with wine and lust, they take the right road, and

follow me up through several streets, screaming, "Stop thief!" However, I escaped eventually, after making

As soon as ever I could get home, I went to bed, utterly worn out with fatigue; but I was unable to sleep a

wink. My various disasters kept on running through my head, and quite convinced I was the most unfortunate

wretch alive, I ejaculated, "Fortune has ever been my bitterest foe; it only needed Love's torments as well to

make me utterly miserable. Doomed wretch! Fortune and Love now join their forces to conspire my ruin.

Cruel Cupid has never spared me; whether lover or loved, I am perpetually on the rack! There is Chrysis

now! she loves me madly and never ceases to tease me. Chrysis who looked down on me, when she was

acting as her mistress's gobetween, and scorned me as a slave, because I wore slave's clothes; she, I say, that

same Chrysis who once loathed my humble condition, is now bent on following it up even at the risk of life

itself. She swore she would never leave me alone, that time she declared the vehemence of her passion for

"But Circe has my whole heart; all other women I despise. Indeed who so fair as she? What was Ariadne's

beauty, or Leda's, compared to hers? What had Helen of Troy, or Venus herself, to boast against her? If Paris,

umpire of the rival goddesses, had seen her at the trial with her dancing eyes, he would have given up all to

her, Helen and the goddesses three! Could I but kiss that mouth, could I press that divine, that heavenly

bosom, maybe my powers of body would return, and those parts of me revive that now lie torpid and, I verily

believe, bewitched. No insults exhaust my patience. I have been thrashed, 'tis nothing; I have been kicked

These and the like thoughts of lovely Circe's charms so roused my fancy that I disordered my bed with the

repeated efforts of a sort of imaginary voluptuousness. But all my struggles remained unavailing. At last

continual disappointment wore my patience out, and I cursed the evil enchantment that oppressed me.

Presently however, recovering my selfcontrol, and drawing what consolation I might from remembering

how many heroes of antiquity had been persecuted by the anger of the gods, I broke out into these lines:

Tortured by these anxieties, I tossed about wakefully the whole night long. At peep of day Giton, informed of

the fact of my having slept at home, entered my room, and after chiding me severely for my licentious way of

life, told me the whole household were complaining bitterly of my goings on, how I paid scarcely any

attention to business, and was like a ruin myself over the fatal intrigue I was now engaged in. I gathered from

all this he was well posted in my affairs, and guessed some one had been to the house to inquire for me. I

"No one today," Giton replied; "but yesterday there was a woman, stylishly dressed enough, came in, and

after a long talk with me and boring me to death with her forced conversation, ended by saying you deserved

the gallows and would surely get a slave's scourging, if the individual you had wronged persisted in his

complaint." This news tormented me extremely, and I launched out into fresh recriminations against Fortune.

My invective was still in full swing when Chrysis came in, and throwing her arms wildly round my neck,

exclaimed, "I have you in my arms, my heart's desire! My love, my joy! Never, never will you end this fire of

I was not a little disconcerted by this amorous display on her part, and resorted to a string of flattering

speeches to get rid of her, fearing the madwoman's cries might reach Eumolpus's ears, who in the arrogance

of success had now adopted the domineering ways of a real master. So I used every means to calm her

excitement, feigning love, whispering soft nothings; in a word, so cleverly did I play the fond adorer she

thought me genuinely smitten with her charms. I explained what peril we should both be in, if she were

caught with me in my bedroom, Eumolpus being only too ready to punish the smallest indiscretion. Hearing

this, she left me hurriedly, all the more so as she saw Giton coming back, who had quitted the room shortly

Hardly was she gone before one of the newly engaged servants rushed in to tell me the master was

excessively angry at my two days' neglect of my duties. The best thing I could do, he said, was to get some

plausible excuse ready; for it was hardly possible his angry passions could subside without somebody getting

Giton seeing me so vexed and disheartened, did not say one word to me about the woman; he merely spoke of

Eumolpus, recommending me to treat the matter jocularly with him, rather than look gloomy about it. I was

glad enough to take his advice, and approached the old man with so gay an air that, instead of showing

severity, he received me banteringly, rallying me about my success in love and complimenting me on my

grace and elegance, which made me such a favorite with all the ladies. "It is no news to me," he went on,

"that a most beautiful woman is dying of love for you; now this may very likely be useful to us on occasion,

Encolpius. Well then! play the fond lover, you; I will keep up the same role I have been acting all along."

He was still speaking when a matron entered, a lady of the highest distinction, Philomela by name, who in

earlier days had won many a fat legacy by the charms of her youth; but who being old now and past her

prime, used to put her son and daughter in the way of childless old men, and so continued to extend her old

trade by the efforts of these successors. Well! this woman came to Eumolpus and proceeded to commend her

children to his judicious guardianship, and confide herself and her hopes to his kindly good nature,

asseverating he was the only man in all the world to train young people by the daily inculcation of healthy

precepts; in fine, that she was leaving her children under Eumolpus's roof, that they might hear his words of

wisdom, the only heritage worth having that could be bestowed on youth. And she was as good as her word;

for leaving behind her a very attractive looking girl along with her brother, a stripling, in the old man's

chamber, she left the house under pretext of visiting the Temple to say her prayers.

Eumolpus, who was so careful a soul he was ready to take even me at my age for a minion, was not long in

inviting the girl to sacrifice to the rearward Venus. But then he had informed everybody he was gouty and

crippled in the loins, and if he failed to keep up the pretense, he ran considerable risk of spoiling the whole

play. So, to maintain the imposture intact, he begged the girl to take a seat on that kindly good nature her

mother had appealed to, ordering Corax at the same time to slip under the bed he lay on himself, and resting

his hands on the floor, to hoist him up and down with his back. The servant obeyed, and gently seconded the

child's artful movements with a corresponding, rhythmical seesaw. Then when the crisis was coming,

Eumolpus shouted out loud and clear to Corax to work faster. Thus the old fellow, suspended between his

servant and his mistress, enjoyed himself as if in a swing. This exercise he repeated more than once, to the

accompaniment of peals of laughter, in which he himself joined. Nor was I idle; but fearing my hand might

get out of practise from disuse, I assailed the brother, where he stood admiring his sister's gymnastics through

the keyhole, to see if he were amenable to outrage. He made no bones about accepting my caresses; but once

However I was not so much cast down by failure this time as I had been on previous occasions; for very soon

afterwards my vigor came back to me, and suddenly feeling myself in better condition, I exclaimed, "The

great gods of higher heaven it is have made me a man again! Mercury, who conveys and reconveys the souls

of men, has of his loving kindness given me back what an unfriendly hand had docked me of, to show you I

am really more graciously endowed than ever was Protesilaus or any of the mighty men of yore." So saying, I

lifted my tunic, and offered Eumolpus a view of all my glories. For an instant he stood panicstricken; then,

to make assurance doubly sure, he put out both hands and felt the good gift the gods had given me.

This great boon restoring our cheerfulness, we made merry over Philomela's artfulness and her children's

proficiency, little likely to profit them much with us however; for it was solely and entirely in hopes of a

legacy she had abandoned the boy and girl to our tender mercies. So reflecting on this sordid fashion of

getting round childless old men, I was led on to think of the present state of our own fortunes, and took

occasion to warn Eumolpus that this game of biting might easily end in biters being bit.

"Our every act," I added, "should be governed by caution. Socrates, wisest of mankind as both men and gods

allow, was wont to boast he had never so much as glanced into a tavern, nor trusted his eyes to look at any

crowded and disorderly assemblage. Nothing in the world is more advisable than always to speak within the

"All this is true," I insisted, "and no class of men is more liable to come to mischance than those who covet

other folks' goods. How should mountebanks, and swindlers, live, unless they were now and again to toss a

little purse or a jingling bag of money as baits to the crowd? Just as dumb beasts are enticed by food, so men

are to be caught only with something solid in the way of expectations to bite at. The ship from Africa with

your money and your slaves has not arrived, as you promised. Our fortunehunters are tired out, and already

stint their generosity. Either I am much mistaken, or the jade Fortune has begun to repent of her favors to

"I have thought out a scheme," Eumolpus replied, "that will mightily embarrass our fortunehunting friends,"

and drawing his tablets from his wallet, he read out his last wishes as follows:

"All who shall receives legacies under my will, my own freedmen excepted, will inherit the said bequests

subject to this condition, to wit that they do cut up my body into pieces and eat the same before the eyes of

"They need not be over and above shocked, I tell them; for we know that to this day some nations observe the

custom by which the dead are eaten by their relatives so much so indeed that sick folk amongst them are

often reproached for spoiling their flesh by being so long ill. I remind my friends of these facts, that they may

not refuse to follow my directions, but rather consume my dead body with the same heartiness with which

Just as he was reading the initial clauses, several of Eumolpus's most intimate friends came into his room, and

seeing the document in his hand, begged him eagerly to let them hear its contents. He consented instantly,

and read it out from beginning to end. On hearing the extraordinary stipulation about being obliged to eat his

corpse, they were very much cast down. But the glamour of his wealth so dazzled the wretched creatures and

stifled their consciences, making mere cringing cowards of them in his presence, that they durst enter no

protest against the enormity. One of them, however Gorgias, was ready to comply, provided he had not too

At this Eumolpus continued, turning to Gorgias, "I have no apprehensions of your stomach's turning

rebellious; it will obey orders, once you promise it, in return for one hour's nausea, a plethora of good things.

Just shut your eyes, and pretend it's not human flesh you've bolted, but a cool ten million. Besides, we'll find

some condiments, never fear, to disguise the flavor. Indeed, no meat really tastes good by itself, but is always

masked in some artful way, and the recalcitrant stomach reconciled to it. Why! if you want examples to

fortify your resolutions the Saguntines, when hard pressed by Hannibal, ate human flesh; and they had no

legacy to expect. The men of Perusia did the same thing in the extremity of famine, looking for no other

benefit from the horrid diet but just to escape starvation. When Numantia was taken by Scipio, mothers were

found grasping their children's halfeaten bodies to their bosoms. In fine, seeing it is merely the idea of

cannibalism that can cause disgust, you must fight with all your heart to banish this repugnance from your

These insolent extravagances Eumolpus reeled off with such reckless inconsequence as made the fortune

hunters begin to distrust his promises. Instantly they began to scrutinize more closely our words and actions,

and everything they saw only increasing their suspicions, they soon set us down for a gang of common cheats

and swindlers. Hereupon such as had gone to more than ordinary expense for our entertainment, resolved to

But now Chrysis, who was in all their secrets, warned me of what the Crotonians' intentions towards us were.

This news scared me so terribly I fled instantly with Giton, leaving Eumolpus to his fate; and a few days later

I learned that the Crotonians, furious at the old fox having lived sumptuously at their expense for so long, had

massacred him in the Massilian fashion. To show you what this means, I must tell you that whenever the

Massilians were visited by the Plague, one of the poorer inhabitants would volunteer himself as an expiatory

victim, on condition of being maintained a full year at the public cost and fed on choice food. Later on, the

unhappy man, bedecked with festal wreaths and sacred robes, was carried in procession through the whole

city, and made the butt of general execration, to the end that all the calamities of all the State might be

concentrated on his devoted head. This done, he was hurled headlong from a rock.