Title: The School For Scandal
Subject:
Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Keywords:
Creator:
PDF Version: 1.2
Page No 1
The School For Scandal
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Page No 2
Table of Contents
The School For Scandal ......................................................................................................................................1
Richard Brinsley Sheridan.......................................................................................................................1
PROLOGUE...........................................................................................................................................5
ACT I......................................................................................................................................................6
ACT II ...................................................................................................................................................19
ACT III ..................................................................................................................................................32
ACT IV.................................................................................................................................................51
ACT V ...................................................................................................................................................71
The School For Scandal
i
Page No 3
The School For Scandal
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Act I
Act II
Act III
Act IV
Act V
The text of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL in this edition is taken, by Mr. Fraser Rae's generous
permission, from his SHERIDAN'S PLAYS NOW PRINTED AS HE WROTE THEM. In his Prefatory
Notes (xxxvii), Mr. Rae writes: "The manuscript of it [THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL] in Sheridan's own
handwriting is preserved at Frampton Court and is now printed in this volume. This version differs in many
respects from that which is generally known, and I think it is even better than that which has hitherto been
read and acted. As I have endeavoured to reproduce the works of Sheridan as he wrote them, I may be told
that he was a bad hand at punctuating and very bad at spelling. . . . But Sheridan's shortcomings as a speller
have been exaggerated." Lest "Sheridan's shortcomings" either in spelling or in punctuation should obscure
the text, I have, in this edition, inserted in brackets some explanatory suggestions. It has seemed best, also, to
adopt a uniform method for indicating stagedirections and abbreviations of the names of characters. There
can be no gain to the reader in reproducing, for example, Sheridan's different indications for the part of Lady
SneerwellLADY SNEERWELL, LADY SNEER., LADY SN., and LADY S. or his varying use of
EXIT and EX., or his inconsistencies in the use of italics in the stagedirections. Since, however, Sheridan's
biographers, from Moore to Fraser Rae, have shown that no authorised or correct edition of THE SCHOOL
FOR SCANDAL was published in Sheridan's lifetime, there seems unusual justification for reproducing the
text of the play itself with absolute fidelity to the original manuscript. Mr. Ridgway, who repeatedly sought to
obtain a copy corrected by the author, according to Moore's account (LIFE OF SHERIDAN, I. p. 260), "was
told by Mr. Sheridan, as an excuse for keeping it back, that he had been nineteen years endeavouring to
satisfy himself with the style of The School for Scandal, but had not yet succeeded." Mr. Rae (SHERIDAN, I.
p. 332) recorded his discovery of the manuscript of "two acts of The School for Scandal prepared by Sheridan
for publication," and hoped, before his death, to publish this partial revision. Numberless unauthorized
changes in the play have been made for histrionic purposes, from the first undated Dublin edition to that of
Mr. Augustin Daly. Current texts may usually be traced, directly or indirectly, to the twovolume Murray
edition of Sheridan's plays, in 1821. Some of the changes from the original manuscript, such as the blending
of the parts of Miss Verjuice and Snake, are doubtless effective for reasons of dramatic economy, but many
of the "cuts" are to be regretted from the reader's standpoint. The student of English drama will prefer
Sheridan's own text to editorial emendations, however clever or effective for dramatic ends.
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
A COMEDY
A PORTRAIT(1)
ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE,
WITH THE COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
The School For Scandal 1
Page No 4
BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ.
Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's school,
Who rail by precept, and detract by rule,
Lives there no character, so tried, so known,
So deck'd with grace, and so unlike your own,
That even you assist her fame to raise,
Approve by envy, and by silence praise!
Attend!a model shall attract your view
Daughters of calumny, I summon you!
You shall decide if this a portrait prove,
Or fond creation of the Muse and Love.
Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage,
Ye matron censors of this childish age,
Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare
A fixt antipathy to young and fair;
By cunning, cautious; or by nature, cold,
In maiden madness, virulently bold!
Attend! ye skilled to coin the precious tale,
Creating proof, where innuendos fail!
Whose practised memories, cruelly exact,
Omit no circumstance, except the fact!
Attend, all ye who boast,or old or young,
The living libel of a slanderous tongue!
So shall my theme as far contrasted be,
As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny.
Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name,
In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame);
Comefor but thee who seeks the Muse? and while
Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile,
With timid grace, and hesitating eye,
The perfect model, which I boast, supply:
Vain Muse! couldst thou the humblest sketch create
Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate
Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace
The faintest wonder of her form and face
Poets would study the immortal line,
And REYNOLDS own HIS art subdued by thine;
That art, which well might added lustre give
To Nature's best and Heaven's superlative:
On GRANBY'S cheek might bid new glories rise,
Or point a purer beam from DEVON'S eyes!
Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise,
Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays!
But praising Amoret we cannot err,
No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her!
Yet she, by Fate's perversenessshe alone
Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own!
Adorning Fashion, unadorn'd by dress,
Simple from taste, and not from carelessness;
The School For Scandal
The School For Scandal 2
Page No 5
Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild,
Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild:
No state has AMORET! no studied mien;
She frowns no GODDESS, and she moves no QUEEN.
The softer charm that in her manner lies
Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise;
It justly suits th' expression of her face,
'Tis less than dignity, and more than grace!
On her pure cheek the native hue is such,
That, form'd by Heav'n to be admired so much,
The hand divine, with a less partial care,
Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there,
And bade the gentle inmate of her breast,
Inshrined Modesty!supply the rest.
But who the peril of her lips shall paint?
Strip them of smilesstill, still all words are faint!
But moving Love himself appears to teach
Their action, though denied to rule her speech;
And thou who seest her speak and dost not hear,
Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear;
Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence
To judge of what she says, and swear 'tis sense:
Cloth'd with such grace, with such expression fraught,
They move in meaning, and they pause in thought!
But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise,
The mild irresolution of her eyes,
Curious to mark how frequent they repose,
In brief eclipse and momentary close
Ah! seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there,
Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care
Veils and unveils those beams of heav'nly light,
Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight?
Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet,
In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat.
What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow
Subduing frowns to arm her altered brow,
By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles,
More fatal still the mercy of her smiles!
Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all
Of bright or fair that can to woman fall,
The height of vanity might well be thought
Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault.
Yet gentle AMORET, in mind supreme
As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme;
And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store,
She barbs with wit those darts too keen before:
Read in all knowledge that her sex should reach,
Though GREVILLE, or the MUSE, should deign to teach,
Fond to improve, nor tim'rous to discern
How far it is a woman's grace to learn;
In MILLAR'S dialect she would not prove
The School For Scandal
The School For Scandal 3
Page No 6
Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love,
Graced by those signs which truth delights to own,
The timid blush, and mild submitted tone:
Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout,
Displays the tender hue of female doubt;
Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears,
How graceful SCIENCE, when that robe she wears!
Such too her talents, and her bent of mind,
As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined:
A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd,
A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled,
A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide;
An awe of talent, which she owns with pride!
Peace, idle Muse! no more thy strain prolong,
But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong;
Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise
Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise
Has spread conviction through the envious train,
And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign!
And lo! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue,
Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung
Owns all the colours justthe outline true;
Thee my inspirer, and my MODELCREWE!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE(2)
SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King
SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates
YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer
CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith
CRABTREE Mr. Parsons
SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd
ROWLEY Mr. Aikin
SPUNGE
MOSES
SNAKE
CARELESSand other companions to CHARLES
LADY TEAZLE
MARIA
LADY SNEERWELL
MRS. CANDOUR
MISS VERJUICE
The School For Scandal
The School For Scandal 4
Page No 7
PROLOGUE
WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK
A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,
Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?
No need of lessons now, the knowing think;
We might as well be taught to eat and drink.
Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours
Distress our fair oneslet them read the papers;
Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;
Crave what you willthere's quantum sufficit.
"Lord!" cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle,
And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle),
Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing
Strong tea and scandal"Bless me, how refreshing!
Give me the papers, Lisphow bold and free! [Sips.]
LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.
For aching heads what charming sal volatile! [Sips.]
IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING,
WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE CURTAIN.
Fine satire, pozin public all abuse it,
But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it.
Now, Lisp, read youthere, at that dash and star:"
"Yes, ma'amA CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE,
WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE;
FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING,
WORMWOOD IS BITTER""Oh! that's me! the villain!
Throw it behind the fire, and never more
Let that vile paper come within my door."
Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart;
To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.
Is our young bard so young, to think that he
Can stop the full springtide of calumny?
Knows he the world so little, and its trade?
Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid.
So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging:
Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging.
Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd,
Again our young Don Quixote takes the road;
To show his gratitude he draws his pen,
And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.
For your applause all perils he would through
He'll fightthat's writea cavalliero true,
Till every drop of bloodthat's inkis spilt for you.
The School For Scandal
PROLOGUE 5
Page No 8
ACT I
SCENE I.LADY SNEERWELL'S House
LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET;
MISS VERJUICE drinking chocolate
LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:
VERJUICE. They were Madamand as I copied them myself in a feigned
Hand there can be no suspicion whence they came.
LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's
Intrigue with Captain Boastall?
VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the
Townand I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.
LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to
a certain Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.
VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish.
I told the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to
communicate it directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed
has a Brother who courts a Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall
whose mistress has a first cousin whose sister is Feme [Femme]
de Chambre to Mrs. Clackitso that in the common course of Things
it must reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within fourandtwenty hours
and then you know the Business is as good as done.
LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent
a great deal of industryyetyesbeen tolerably successful
in her wayTo my knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off
six matches[,] of three sons being disinherited and four Daughters
being turned out of Doors. Of three several Elopements, as many
close confinementsnine separate maintenances and two Divorces.
nay I have more than once traced her causing a TeteaTete in the
Town and Country Magazinewhen the Parties perhaps had never seen
each other's Faces before in the course of their Lives.
VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.
LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.
VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has
a free tongue and a bold inventionbut her colouring is too dark
and her outline often extravagantShe wants that delicacy of
Tintand mellowness of sneerwhich distinguish your Ladyship's
Scandal.
The School For Scandal
ACT I 6
Page No 9
LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice.
VERJUICE. Not in the leasteverybody allows that Lady Sneerwell
can do more with a word or a Look than many can with the most
laboured Detail even when they happen to have a little truth
on their side to support it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny
the satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded
myself, in the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of
Slander I confess I have since known no Pleasure equal to the
reducing others to the Level of my own injured Reputation.
VERJUICE. Nothing can be more naturalBut my dear Lady Sneerwell
There is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein,
I confess I am at a Loss to guess your motives.
LADY SNEERWELL. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour,
Sir Peter Teazle, and his FamilyLappet.And has my conduct
in this matter really appeared to you so mysterious?
[Exit MAID.]
VERJUICE. Entirely so.
LADY SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE.?] An old Batchelor as Sir Peter was[,]
having taken a young wife from out of the Countryas Lady Teazle
isare certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery
but here are two young mento whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind
of Guardian since their Father's death, the eldest possessing
the most amiable Character and universally well spoken of[,]
the youngest the most dissipated and extravagant young Fellow
in the Kingdom, without Friends or caracterthe former one
an avowed admirer of yours and apparently your Favourite[,]
the latter attached to Maria Sir Peter's wardand confessedly
beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it is
utterly unaccountable to me why you a young Widow with no great
jointureshould not close with the passion of a man of such
character and expectations as Mr. Surfaceand more so why you
should be so uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment
subsisting between his Brother Charles and Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to unravel this misteryI must
inform you that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse
between Mr. Surface and me.
VERJUICE. No!
LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment is to Maria or her Fortune
but finding in his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged
to mask his Pretensionsand profit by my Assistance.
The School For Scandal
ACT I 7
Page No 10
VERJUICE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest
yourself in his success.
LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise
the weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have concealed even
from youmust I confess that Charlesthat Libertine, that
extravagant, that Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputationthat He
it is for whom I am thus anxious and malicious and to gain whom
I would sacrificeeverything
VERJUICE. Now indeedyour conduct appears consistent and I
no longer wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how came you and
Surface so confidential?
LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interestbut I have found out
him a long time since[,] altho' He has contrived to deceive
everybody besideI know him to be artful selfish and malicious
while with Sir Peter, and indeed with all his acquaintance,
He passes for a youthful Miracle of Prudencegood sense
and Benevolence.
VERJUICE. Yes yesI know Sir Peter vows He has not his equal
in England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN OF SENTIMENT.
LADY SNEERWELL. True and with the assistance of his sentiments
and hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests
with respect to Maria and is now I believe attempting to flatter
Lady Teazle into the same good opinion towards himwhile poor
Charles has no Friend in the Housethough I fear he has a powerful
one in Maria's Heart, against whom we must direct our schemes.
SERVANT. Mr. Surface.
LADY SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about this Time.
I don't wonder at People's giving him to me for a Lover.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do todayyour most
obedient.
LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our
mutual attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views
and the Purposes for which our Geniuses at present cooperate.
You know how useful she has been to usand believe me the confidence
is not illplaced.
SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of
Miss Verjuice's sensibility and discernment
The School For Scandal
ACT I 8
Page No 11
LADY SNEERWELL. Wellwellno compliments nowbut tell me when
you saw your mistress or what is more material to me your Brother.
SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw youbut I can inform
you that they are at present at Variancesome of your stories have
taken good effect on Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs
to you. But do your Brother's Distresses encrease?
SURFACE. Every hour. I am told He had another execution in his
house yesterdayin short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed
anything I have ever heard of.
LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!
SURFACE. True Madamnotwithstanding his Vices one can't help
feeling for himah poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in
my Power to be of any essential Service to himfor the man
who does not share in the Distresses of a Brothereven though
merited by his own misconductdeserves
LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and forget
that you are among Friends.
SURFACE. Egad, that's trueI'll keep that sentiment till I see
Sir Peter. However it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from
such a Libertine whoif He is to be reclaim'd, can be so only by a
Person of your Ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding.
VERJUICE. 'Twould be a Hazardous experiment.
SURFACE. ButMadamlet me caution you to place no more confidence
in our Friend Snake the LibellerI have lately detected him
in frequent conference with old Rowland [Rowley] who was formerly
my Father's Steward and has never been a friend of mine.
LADY SNEERWELL. I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never suspected
the fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own
Villany.
Enter MARIA
Maria my dearhow do you dowhat's the matter?
MARIA. O here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin
Backbite, has just call'd at my guardian's with his odious
Uncle Crabtreeso I slipt out and ran hither to avoid them.
LADY SNEERWELL. Is that all?
The School For Scandal
ACT I 9
Page No 12
VERJUICE. Lady SneerwellI'll go and write the Letter I mention'd
to you.
SURFACE. If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam,
perhaps you would not have been so much alarmed.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay nowyou are severe for I dare swear the Truth
of the matter is Maria heard YOU were herebut my dearwhat has
Sir Benjamin done that you should avoid him so
MARIA. Oh He has done nothingbut his conversation is a perpetual
Libel on all his Acquaintance.
SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not
knowing Them, for He'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best
Friendand Crabtree is as bad.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make allowance[]Sir Benjamin
is a wit and a poet.
MARIA. For my PartI own madamwit loses its respect with me,
when I see it in company with malice.What do you think,
Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants
a Thorn on another's Breast is to become a principal in the mischief.
LADY SNEERWELL. Pshawthere's no possibility of being witty
without a little [ill] naturethe malice of a good thing
is the Barb that makes it stick.What's your opinion, Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Certainly madamthat conversation where the Spirit of
Raillery is suppressed will ever appear tedious and insipid
MARIA. Well I'll not debate how far Scandal may be allowable
but in a man I am sure it is always contemtable.We have Pride,
envy, Rivalship, and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other
but the maleslanderer must have the cowardice of a woman before
He can traduce one.
LADY SNEERWELL. I wish my Cousin Verjuice hadn't left usshe
should embrace you.
SURFACE. Ah! she's an old maid and is privileged of course.
Enter SERVANT
Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your Ladyship's at leisure will
leave her carriage.
LADY SNEERWELL. Beg her to walk in. Now, Maria[,] however here is
The School For Scandal
ACT I 10
Page No 13
a Character to your Taste, for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little
talkative everybody allows her to be the bestnatured and best sort
of woman.
MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of good Nature and
Benevolenceshe does more mischief than the Direct malice of
old Crabtree.
SURFACE. Efaith 'tis very true Lady SneerwellWhenever I hear
the current running again the characters of my Friends, I never
think them in such Danger as when Candour undertakes their Defence.
LADY SNEERWELL. Hush here she is
Enter MRS. CANDOUR
MRS. CANDOUR. My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this Century.
I have never seen you tho' I have heard of you very often.
Mr. Surfacethe World says scandalous things of youbut indeed
it is no matter what the world says, for I think one hears nothing
else but scandal.
SURFACE. Just so, indeed, Ma'am.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ah Maria Childwhat[!] is the whole affair off
between you and Charles? His extravagance; I presumeThe Town
talks of nothing else
MARIA. I am very sorry, Ma'am, the Town has so little to do.
MRS. CANDOUR. True, true, Child; but there's no stopping people's
Tongues. I own I was hurt to hear itas I indeed was to learn
from the same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and Lady
Teazle have not agreed lately so well as could be wish'd.
MARIA. 'Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy themselves so.
MRS. CANDOUR. Very true, Child; but what's to be done? People will
talkthere's no preventing it.why it was but yesterday I was told
that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt. But, Lord!
there is no minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this from
very good authority.
MARIA. Such reports are highly scandalous.
MRS. CANDOUR. So they are Childshameful! shameful! but the world
is so censorious no character escapes. Lord, now! who would have
suspected your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet such is the
illnature of people, that they say her unkle stopped her last week
just as she was stepping into a Postchaise with her Dancingmaster.
The School For Scandal
ACT I 11
Page No 14
MARIA. I'll answer for't there are no grounds for the Report.
MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, no foundation in the world I dare swear[;]
no more probably than for the story circulated last month,
of Mrs. Festino's affair with Colonel Cassinotho' to be sure
that matter was never rightly clear'd up.
SURFACE. The license of invention some people take is monstrous
indeed.
MARIA. 'Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such things
are equally culpable.
MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are as bad as
the Tale makers'tis an old observation and a very true onebut
what's to be done as I said beforehow will you prevent People from
talkingtoday, Mrs. Clackitt assured me, Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon
were at last become mere man and wifelike [the rest of their]
acquaintanceshe likewise hinted that a certain widow in the next
street had got rid of her Dropsy and recovered her shape in a most
surprising mannerat the same [time] Miss Tattle, who was by
affirm'd, that Lord Boffalo had discover'd his Lady at a house of
no extraordinary Fameand that Sir Harry Bouquet and Tom Saunter
were to measure swords on a similar Provocation. butLord! do you
think I would report these ThingsNo, no[!] Tale Bearers as I said
before are just as bad as the talemakers.
SURFACE. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and
good nature
MRS. CANDOUR. I confess Mr. Surface I cannot bear to hear People
traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly circumstances come out
against our acquaintances I own I always love to think the bestby
the bye I hope 'tis not true that your Brother is absolutely ruin'd
SURFACE. I am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed, Ma'am
MRS. CANDOUR. Ah! I heard sobut you must tell him to keep up
his Spiritseverybody almost is in the same wayLord Spindle,
Sir Thomas Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickitall up, I hear,
within this week; so, if Charles is undone, He'll find half his
Acquaintance ruin'd too, and that, you know, is a consolation
SURFACE. Doubtless, Ma'ama very great one.
Enter SERVANT
SERVANT. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite.
LADY SNEERWELL. Soh! Maria, you see your lover pursues you
Positively you shan't escape.
The School For Scandal
ACT I 12
Page No 15
Enter CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE
CRABTREE. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Candour I don't
believe you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir Benjamin Backbite
Egad, Ma'am, He has a pretty witand is a pretty Poet too isn't He
Lady Sneerwell?
SIR BENJAMIN. O fie, Uncle!
CRABTREE. Nay egad it's trueI back him at a Rebus or a Charade
against the best Rhymer in the Kingdomhas your Ladyship heard
the Epigram he wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's Feather catching
FireDo Benjamin repeat itor the Charade you made last Night
extempore at Mrs. Drowzie's conversazioneCome now your first
is the Name of a Fish, your second a great naval commanderand
SIR BENJAMIN. Dear Unclenowprithee
CRABTREE. Efaith, Ma'am'twould surprise you to hear how ready
he is at all these Things.
LADY SNEERWELL. I wonder Sir Benjamin you never publish anything.
SIR BENJAMIN. To say truth, Ma'am, 'tis very vulgar to Print and
as my little Productions are mostly Satires and Lampoons I find
they circulate more by giving copies in confidence to the Friends
of the Partieshowever I have some loveElegies, which, when
favoured with this lady's smile I mean to give to the Public.
[Pointing to MARIA.]
CRABTREE. 'Fore Heaven, ma'am, they'll immortalize youyou'll
be handed down to Posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's
Sacharissa.
SIR BENJAMIN. Yes Madam I think you will like themwhen you shall
see in a beautiful Quarto Page how a neat rivulet of Text shall
meander thro' a meadow of margin'fore Gad, they will be the most
elegant Things of their kind
CRABTREE. But Ladies, have you heard the news?
MRS. CANDOUR. What, Sir, do you mean the Report of
CRABTREE. No ma'am that's not it.Miss Nicely is going to be
married to her own Footman.
MRS. CANDOUR. Impossible!
CRABTREE. Ask Sir Benjamin.
The School For Scandal
ACT I 13
Page No 16
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Tis very true, Ma'ameverything is fixed and the
wedding Livery bespoke.
CRABTREE. Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't.
MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot beand I wonder any one should believe
such a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.
SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed
at once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that
everybody was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation
of a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those
of the strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly
Reputation, that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster
characters of a hundred Prudes.
SIR BENJAMIN. True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation
as well as constitutionwho being conscious of their weak Part,
avoid the least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina
by care and circumspection
MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all mistakeYou know,
Sir Benjamin very trifling circumstances often give rise to
the most injurious Tales.
CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'amdid you ever hear
how Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character
last summer at TunbridgeSir Benjamin you remember it
SIR BENJAMIN. O to be sure the most whimsical circumstance
LADY SNEERWELL. How was it Pray
CRABTREE. Why one evening at Mrs. Ponto's Assemblythe conversation
happened to turn on the difficulty of breeding NovaScotia Sheep
in this countrysays a young Lady in company[, "]I have known
instances of it[]for Miss Letitia Shepherd, a first cousin of mine,
had a NovaScotia Sheep that produced her Twins.[""]What!["] cries
the old Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post),
["]has Miss Letitia Shepherd had twins["]This Mistakeas you may
imagine, threw the whole company into a fit of LaughingHowever
'twas the next morning everywhere reported and in a few Days believed
by the whole Town, that Miss Letitia Shepherd had actually been
brought to Bed of a fine Boy and Girland in less than a week
there were People who could name the Father, and the Farm House
where the Babies were put out to Nurse.
LADY SNEERWELL. Strange indeed!
The School For Scandal
ACT I 14
Page No 17
CRABTREE. Matter of Fact, I assure youO Lud! Mr. Surface pray
is it true that your uncle Sir Oliver is coming home
SURFACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir.
CRABTREE. He has been in the East Indies a long timeyou can
scarcely remember himI believesad comfort on his arrival
to hear how your Brother has gone on!
SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure[;] but I hope
no Busy people have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him
He may reform
SIR BENJAMIN. To be sure He mayfor my Part I never believed him
to be so utterly void of Principle as People sayand tho'
he has lost all his Friends I am told nobody is better spoken of
by the Jews.
CRABTREE. That's true egad nephewif the Old Jewry was a Ward
I believe Charles would be an aldermanno man more popular there,
'fore Gad I hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine
and that whenever He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery
of his Health in the synagogue
SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:they tell me
when He entertains his FriendsHe can sit down to dinner with
a dozen of his own Securities, have a score Tradesmen waiting
in the AntiChamber, and an officer behind every guest's Chair.
SURFACE. This may be entertainment to you Gentlemen but you pay
very little regard to the Feelings of a Brother.
MARIA. Their malice is intolerableLady Sneerwell I must wish you
a good morningI'm not very well.
[Exit MARIA.]
MRS. CANDOUR. O dear she chang'd colour very much!
LADY SNEERWELL. Do Mrs. Candour follow hershe may want assistance.
MRS. CANDOUR. That I will with all my soul ma'am.Poor dear Girl
who knowswhat her situation may be!
[Exit MRS. CANDOUR.]
LADY SNEERWELL. 'Twas nothing but that she could not bear to hear
Charles reflected on notwithstanding their difference.
SIR BENJAMIN. The young Lady's Penchant is obvious.
CRABTREE. But Benjaminyou mustn't give up the Pursuit for that
follow her and put her into good humourrepeat her some of your
The School For Scandal
ACT I 15
Page No 18
versescome, I'll assist you
SIR BENJAMIN. Mr. Surface I did not mean to hurt youbut depend
on't your Brother is utterly undone
[Going.]
CRABTREE. O Lud! ayeundoneas ever man wascan't raise a guinea.
SIR BENJAMIN. And everything soldI'm toldthat was movable
[Going.]
CRABTREE. I was at his housenot a thing left but some empty
Bottles that were overlooked and the Family Pictures, which
I believe are framed in the Wainscot.
[Going.]
SIR BENJAMIN. And I'm very sorry to hear also some bad stories
against him.
[Going.]
CRABTREE. O He has done many mean thingsthat's certain!
SIR BENJAMIN. But however as He is your Brother
[Going.]
CRABTREE. We'll tell you all another opportunity.
[Exeunt.]
LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! 'tis very hard for them to leave
a subject they have not quite run down.
SURFACE. And I believe the Abuse was no more acceptable to your
Ladyship than Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. I doubt her Affections are farther engaged than
we imagin'd but the Family are to be here this Evening so you may
as well dine where you are and we shall have an opportunity of
observing fartherin the meantime, I'll go and plot Mischief
and you shall study Sentiments.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II.SIR PETER'S House
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. When an old Bachelor takes a young Wifewhat is He
to expect'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest
of menand I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever
committed wedlock. We tift a little going to churchand came to
a Quarrel before the Bells had done ringingI was more than once
The School For Scandal
ACT I 16
Page No 19
nearly chok'd with gall during the Honeymoonand had lost all comfort
in Life before my Friends had done wishing me Joyyet I chose with
cautiona girl bred wholly in the countrywho never knew luxury
beyond one silk gownnor dissipation above the annual Gala of a
RaceBallYet she now plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies
of the Fashion and the Town, with as ready a Grace as if she had never
seen a Bush nor a grass Plot out of GrosvenorSquare! I am sneered at
by my old acquaintanceparagraphedin the news Papers
She dissipates my Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours
yet the worst of it is I doubt I love her or I should never bear
all this. However I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. Sir Peter, your servant:how is 't with you Sir
SIR PETER. Very badMaster Rowleyvery bad[.] I meet with nothing
but crosses and vexations
ROWLEY. What can have happened to trouble you since yesterday?
SIR PETER. A goodquestion to a married man
ROWLEY. Nay I'm sure your Lady Sir Peter can't be the cause of your
uneasiness.
SIR PETER. Why has anybody told you she was dead[?]
ROWLEY. Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstanding your
tempers do not exactly agree.
SIR PETER. But the Fault is entirely hers, Master RowleyI am
myself, the sweetest temper'd man alive, and hate a teasing temper;
and so I tell her a hundred Times a day
ROWLEY. Indeed!
SIR PETER. Aye and what is very extraordinary in all our disputes
she is always in the wrong! But Lady Sneerwell, and the Set she meets
at her House, encourage the perverseness of her Dispositionthen
to complete my vexationsMariamy Wardwhom I ought to have
the Power of a Father over, is determined to turn Rebel too and
absolutely refuses the man whom I have long resolved on for her
husbandmeaning I suppose, to bestow herself on his profligate
Brother.
ROWLEY. You know Sir Peter I have always taken the Liberty to differ
with you on the subject of these two young GentlemenI only wish
you may not be deceived in your opinion of the elder. For Charles,
my life on't! He will retrieve his errors yettheir worthy Father,
once my honour'd master, was at his years nearly as wild a spark.
The School For Scandal
ACT I 17
Page No 20
SIR PETER. You are wrong, Master Rowleyon their Father's Death
you know I acted as a kind of Guardian to them bothtill their uncle
Sir Oliver's Eastern Bounty gave them an early independence. Of
course no person could have more opportunities of judging of their
Heartsand I was never mistaken in my life. Joseph is indeed a model
for the young men of the AgeHe is a man of Sentimentand acts up
to the Sentiments he professesbut for the other[,] take my word
for't [if] he had any grain of Virtue by descenthe has dissipated it
with the rest of his inheritance. Ah! my old Friend, Sir Oliver will
be deeply mortified when he finds how Part of his Bounty has been
misapplied.
ROWLEY. I am sorry to find you so violent against the young man
because this may be the most critical Period of his Fortune.
I came hither with news that will surprise you.
SIR PETER. What! let me hear
ROWLEY. Sir Oliver is arrived and at this moment in Town.
SIR PETER. How!you astonish meI thought you did not expect him
this month!
ROWLEY. I did notbut his Passage has been remarkably quick.
SIR PETER. Egad I shall rejoice to see my old Friend'Tis sixteen
years since we metWe have had many a Day togetherbut does he still
enjoin us not to inform his Nephews of his Arrival?
ROWLEY. Most strictlyHe means, before He makes it known to make
some trial of their Dispositions and we have already planned something
for the purpose.
SIR PETER. Ah there needs no art to discover their meritshowever
he shall have his waybut pray does he know I am married!
ROWLEY. Yes and will soon wish you joy.
SIR PETER. You may tell him 'tis too lateah Oliver will laugh
at mewe used to rail at matrimony togetherbut He has been steady
to his Textwell He must be at my house tho'I'll instantly give
orders for his Receptionbut Master Rowleydon't drop a word that
Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
ROWLEY. By no means.
SIR PETER. For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes; so I'd
have him think that we are a very happy couple.
ROWLEY. I understand youbut then you must be very careful not
The School For Scandal
ACT I 18
Page No 21
to differ while He's in the House with you.
SIR PETER. Egadand so we mustthat's impossible. Ah! Master
Rowley when an old Batchelor marries a young wifeHe deserves
no the crime carries the Punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.]
END OF THE FIRST ACT
ACT II
SCENE I.SIR PETER and LADY TEAZLE
SIR PETER. Lady TeazleLady Teazle I'll not bear it.
LADY TEAZLE. Sir PeterSir Peter youmay scold or smile, according
to your Humour[,] but I ought to have my own way in everything,
and what's more I will toowhat! tho' I was educated in the country
I know very well that women of Fashion in London are accountable
to nobody after they are married.
SIR PETER. Very well! ma'am very well! so a husband is to have
no influence, no authority?
LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no, to be sureif you wanted authority
over me, you should have adopted me and not married me[:] I am sure
you were old enough.
SIR PETER. Old enoughaye there it iswellwellLady Teazle,
tho' my life may be made unhappy by your TemperI'll not be ruined
by your extravagance
LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more extravagant
than a woman of Fashion ought to be.
SIR PETER. No no Madam, you shall throw away no more sums on such
unmeaning Luxury'Slife to spend as much to furnish your Dressing
Room with Flowers in winter as would suffice to turn the Pantheon
into a Greenhouse, and give a Fete Champetre at Christmas.
LADY TEAZLE. Lord! Sir Peter am I to blame because Flowers are dear
in cold weather? You should find fault with the Climate, and not
with me. For my Part I'm sure I wish it was spring all the year
roundand that Roses grew under one's Feet!
The School For Scandal
ACT II 19
Page No 22
SIR PETER. Oons! Madamif you had been born to those Fopperies
I shouldn't wonder at your talking thus;but you forget what your
situation was when I married you
LADY TEAZLE. No, no, I don't'twas a very disagreeable one or
I should never nave married you.
SIR PETER. Yes, yes, madam, you were then in somewhat a humbler
Stylethe daughter of a plain country Squire. Recollect Lady Teazle
when I saw you firstsitting at your tambour in a pretty figured
linen gownwith a Bunch of Keys at your side, and your apartment
hung round with Fruits in worsted, of your own working
LADY TEAZLE. O horrible!horrible!don't put me in mind of it!
SIR PETER. Yes, yes Madam and your daily occupation to inspect
the Dairy, superintend the Poultry, make extracts from the Family
Receiptbook, and comb your aunt Deborah's Lap Dog.
LADY TEAZLE. Abominable!
SIR PETER. Yes Madamand what were your evening amusements?
to draw Patterns for Ruffles, which you hadn't the materials to make
play Pope Joan with the Curateto read a sermon to your Aunt
or be stuck down to an old Spinet to strum your father to sleep
after a Fox Chase.
LADY TEAZLE. ScandalousSir Peter not a word of it true
SIR PETER. Yes, MadamThese were the recreations I took you from
and nowno one more extravagantly in the FashionEvery Fopery
adopteda headdress to o'er top Lady Pagoda with feathers pendant
horizontal and perpendicularyou forget[,] Lady Teazlewhen a little
wired gauze with a few Beads made you a fly Cap not much bigger than
a blewbottle, and your Hair was comb'd smooth over a Roll
LADY TEAZLE. Shocking! horrible Roll!!
SIR PETER. But nowyou must have your coachVisavis, and three
powder'd Footmen before your Chairand in the summer a pair of
white cobs to draw you to Kensington Gardensno recollection when y
ou were content to ride double, behind the Butler, on a docked
CoachHorse?
LADY TEAZLE. Horrid!I swear I never did.
SIR PETER. This, madam, was your situationand what have I not done
for you? I have made you woman of Fashion of Fortune of Rank
in short I have made you my wife.
LADY TEAZLE. Well then and there is but one thing more you can make
The School For Scandal
ACT II 20
Page No 23
me to add to the obligation.
SIR PETER. What's that pray?
LADY TEAZLE. Your widow.
SIR PETER. Thank you Madambut don't flatter yourself for though
your illconduct may disturb my Peace it shall never break my Heart
I promise youhowever I am equally obliged to you for the Hint.
LADY TEAZLE. Then why will you endeavour to make yourself so
disagreeable to meand thwart me in every little elegant expense.
SIR PETER. 'SlifeMadam I pray, had you any of these elegant
expenses when you married me?
LADY TEAZLE. Lud Sir Peter would you have me be out of the Fashion?
SIR PETER. The Fashion indeed!what had you to do with the Fashion
before you married me?
LADY TEAZLE. For my PartI should think you would like to have
your wife thought a woman of Taste
SIR PETER. Aye there againTaste! Zounds Madam you had no Taste
when you married me
LADY TEAZLE. That's very true indeed Sir Peter! after having married
you I should never pretend to Taste again I allow.
SIR PETER. Soso thenMadamif these are your Sentiments pray how
came I to be honour'd with your Hand?
LADY TEAZLE. Shall I tell you the Truth?
SIR PETER. If it's not too great a Favour.
LADY TEAZLE. Why the Fact is I was tired of all those agreeable
Recreations which you have so good naturally [naturedly] Described
and having a Spirit to spend and enjoy a FortuneI determined
to marry the first rich man that would have me.
SIR PETER. A very honest confessiontrulybut pray madam was there
no one else you might have tried to ensnare but me.
LADY TEAZLE. O ludI drew my net at several but you were the only
one I could catch.
SIR PETER. This is plain dealing indeed
LADY TEAZLE. But now Sir Peter if we have finish'd our daily Jangle
The School For Scandal
ACT II 21
Page No 24
I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's?
SIR PETER. Ayethere's another Precious circumstancea charming
set of acquaintanceyou have made there!
LADY TEAZLE. Nay Sir Peter they are People of Rank and Fortune
and remarkably tenacious of reputation.
SIR PETER. Yes egad they are tenacious of Reputation with
a vengeance, for they don't chuse anybody should have a Character
but themselves! Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on hurdles
who has done less mischief than these utterers of forged Tales,
coiners of Scandal, and clippers of Reputation.
LADY TEAZLE. What would you restrain the freedom of speech?
SIR PETER. Aye they have made you just as bad [as] any one
of the Society.
LADY TEAZLE. WhyI believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace
But I vow I bear no malice against the People I abuse, when I say
an illnatured thing, 'tis out of pure Good Humourand I take it
for granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me,
but Sir Peter you know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too.
SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own
character.
LADY TEAZLE. Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll
be too lateso good bye to ye.
SIR PETER. SoI have gain'd much by my intended expostulation
yet with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say
and how pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authorityWell
tho' I can't make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction
in quarrelling with her; and I think she never appears to such
advantage as when she is doing everything in her Power to plague me.
[Exit.]
SCENE II.At LADY SNEERWELL'S
LADY SNEERWELL, MRS. CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE,
and SURFACE
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay, positively, we will hear it.
SURFACE. Yesyes the Epigram by all means.
SiR BENJAMIN. O plague on't unkle'tis mere nonsense
The School For Scandal
ACT II 22
Page No 25
CRABTREE. No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore!
SIR BENJAMIN. But ladies you should be acquainted with
the circumstances. You must know that one day last week
as Lady Betty Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park,
in a sort of duodecimo Phaetonshe desired me to write
some verses on her Poniesupon which I took out my PocketBook
and in one moment producedthe following:
'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies;
Other Horses are Clownsand these macaronies,
Nay to give 'em this Title, I'm sure isn't wrong,
Their Legs are so slimand their Tails are so long.
CRABTREE. There Ladiesdone in the smack of a whip and on Horseback
too.
SURFACE. A very Phoebus, mountedindeed Sir Benjamin.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh dear SirTriflesTrifles.
Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA
MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy
LADY SNEERWELL. Lady TeazleI hope we shall see Sir Peter?
LADY TEAZLE. I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently.
LADY SNEERWELL. Maria my love you look grave. Come, you sit down
to Piquet with Mr. Surface.
MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in cardshowever, I'll do
as you Please.
LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down her
I thought He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking
to me before Sir Peter came[Aside.]
MRS. CANDOUR. Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear
your society.
LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?
MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion
to be handsome.
LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .
[CRABTREE.] I am very glad you think so ma'am.
The School For Scandal
ACT II 23
Page No 26
MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour.
CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on
LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is naturalI have seen
it come and go
CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night,
and comes again in the morning.
SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's
more egad her maid can fetch and carry it
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.
CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's sixandfifty if she's
an hour!
MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fiftytwo,
or fiftythree is the utmostand I don't think she looks more.
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was
to see her Face.
LADY SNEERWELL. Wellwellif she does take some pains to repair
the ravages of Timeyou must allow she effects it with great
ingenuityand surely that's better than the careless manner
in which the widow Ocre chaulks her wrinkles.
SIR BENJAMIN. Nay nowyou are severe upon the widowcomecome,
it isn't that she paints so illbut when she has finished her Face
she joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended
Statue, in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern
tho' the Trunk's antique
CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate
you for itwhat do you think of Miss Simper?
SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking
nor laughing (which very seldom happens)she never absolutely shuts
her mouth, but leaves it always on aJar, as it were
MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so illnatured!
LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
takes to conceal her losses in Frontshe draws her mouth till
The School For Scandal
ACT II 24
Page No 27
it resembles the aperture of a Poor'sBox, and all her words appear
to slide out edgewise.
LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little
severe.
LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes
Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedientMercy on mehere is the whole set!
a character's dead at every word, I suppose.
MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peterthey have been
so censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare
swear.
MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobodynot even
good nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.
LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's
[Quadrille's] last Night?
LADY SNEERWELL. Nayher bulk is her misfortune and when she takes
such Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey
laces herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer
you may see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up
behind like a Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.
MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.
SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly!
MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as
Miss Sallow.
CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be
censoriousan awkward Gawky, without any one good Point
under Heaven!
LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for
her Person great allowance is to be madefor, let me tell you
a woman labours under many disadvantages who tries to pass
The School For Scandal
ACT II 25
Page No 28
for a girl at sixandthirty.
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome stilland for the
weakness in her eyes considering how much she reads by candlelight
it is not to be wonder'd at.
LADY SNEERWELL. True and then as to her mannerupon my word
I think it is particularly graceful considering she never had the
least Education[:] for you know her Mother was a Welch milliner,
and her Father a sugarBaker at Bristow.
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! you are both of you too goodnatured!
SIR PETER. Yes, damned goodnatured! Her own relation!
mercy on me! [Aside.]
MRS. CANDOUR. For my Part I own I cannot bear to hear a friend
illspoken of?
SIR PETER. No, to be sure!
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah you are of a moral turn Mrs. Candour and can sit
for an hour to hear Lady Stucco talk sentiments.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Dessert
after Dinner for she's just like the Spanish Fruit one cracks
for mottoesmade up of Paint and Proverb.
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, I never will join in ridiculing a Friend
and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogleand you all know what
pretensions she has to be critical in Beauty.
LADY TEAZLE. O to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance
that ever was seen'tis a collection of Features from all the
different Countries of the globe.
SIR BENJAMIN. So she has indeedan Irish Front
CRABTREE. Caledonian Locks
SIR BENJAMIN. Dutch Nose
CRABTREE. Austrian Lips
SIR BENJAMIN. Complexion of a Spaniard
CRABTREE. And Teeth a la Chinoise
SIR BENJAMIN. In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa
where no two guests are of a nation
The School For Scandal
ACT II 26
Page No 29
CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general Warwherein all
the members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest
and her Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Mercy on my Life[!] a Person they dine with twice a week!
[Aside.]
LADY SNEERWELL. Gogoyou are a couple of provoking Toads.
MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so
for give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle
SIR PETER. MadammadamI beg your Pardonthere's no stopping
these good Gentlemen's Tonguesbut when I tell you Mrs. Candour
that the Lady they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine,
I hope you'll not take her Part.
LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peterbut you are
a cruel creaturetoo Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish
to allow wit in others.
SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied?]
to good Nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir PeterI believe they are so near akin
that they can never be united.
SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because
one seldom sees them together.
LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe
He would have it put down by Parliament.
SIR PETER. 'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the
Sporting with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors
and pass an Act for the Preservation of Famethere are many would
thank them for the Bill.
LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our
Privileges
SIR PETER. Aye Madamand then no person should be permitted to kill
characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and
disappointed Widows.
LADY SNEERWELL. Go, you monster
MRS. CANDOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those
who only report what they hear?
The School For Scandal
ACT II 27
Page No 30
SIR PETER. Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too
and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie
was not to be found, the injured Party should have a right to come
on any of the indorsers.
CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous
Tale without some foundation.(3)
LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next
Room?
Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER
SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly.
[Exit SERVANT.]
I'll get away unperceived.
LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us?
SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse meI'm called away by
particular Businessbut I leave my Character behind me
[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours
is a strange beingI could tell you some stories of him would make
you laugh heartily if He wern't your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind thatcome do let's hear 'em.
[join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room.]
SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.
MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles
at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us
be the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion
of Dullness
SURFACE. Yet they appear more illnatured than they arethey have
no malice at heart
MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my
opinionnothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues
but a natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.
SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madamand it has always been a sentiment
of minethat to propagate a malicious Truth wantonlyis more
despicable than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel
thus [f]or others and be unkind to me alonenay is hope to be denied
the tenderest Passion.
The School For Scandal
ACT II 28
Page No 31
MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject
SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your
guardian's Sir Peter's wishesbut that I see that my Profligate
Brother is still a favour'd Rival.
MARIA. Ungenerously urgedbut whatever my sentiments of that
unfortunate young man are, be assured I shall not feel more bound
to give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as
to deprive him of the regard even of a Brother.
SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frownby all that's
honest, I swearGad's Life here's Lady Teazleyou must not
no you shallfor tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle
MARIA. Lady Teazle!
SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect
[Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward]
LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Praydo you take her for me!Child you
are wanted in the next Room.What's all this, pray
SURFACE. O the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has
somehow suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness,
and threaten'd to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicionsand I was
just endeavouring to reason with her when you came.
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopta very tender mode
of reasoningdo you usually argue on your knees?
SURFACE. O she's a Childand I thought a little Bombast
but Lady Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library
as you promised
LADY TEAZLE. Nono I begin to think it would be imprudent
and you know I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fashion requires.
SURFACE. Truea mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife
is entitled to.
LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashionhowever,
I have so much of my country Prejudices leftthatthough Sir Peter's
ill humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to
SURFACE. The only revenge in your Powerwell I applaud your
moderation.
LADY TEAZLE. Goyou are an insinuating Hypocritebut we shall be
miss'dlet us join the company.
The School For Scandal
ACT II 29
Page No 32
SURFACE. True, but we had best not return together.
LADY TEAZLE. Well don't stayfor Maria shan't come to hear
any more of your Reasoning, I promise you
[Exit.]
SURFACE. A curious Dilemma truly my Politics have run me into.
I wanted at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle that she
might not be my enemy with Mariaand I have I don't know how
become her serious Lover, so that I stand a chance of Committing
a Crime I never meditatedand probably of losing Maria by the
Pursuit!Sincerely I begin to wish I had never made such a Point
of gaining so very good a character, for it has led me into so many
curst Rogueries that I doubt I shall be exposed at last.
[Exit.]
SCENE III.At SIR PETER'S
ROWLEY and SIR OLIVER
SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! ha! and so my old Friend is married, hey?
a young wife out of the country!ha! ha! that he should have stood
Bluff to old Bachelor so long and sink into a Husband at last!
ROWLEY. But you must not rally him on the subject Sir Oliver'tis
a tender Point I assure you though He has been married only seven
months.
SIR OLIVER. Ah then he has been just half a year on the stool
of RepentancePoor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up
Charlesnever sees him, hey?
ROWLEY. His Prejudice against him is astonishingand I am sure
greatly increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazlewhich
he has been industriously led into by a scandalous Society
in the neighbourhoodwho have contributed not a little to Charles's
ill name. Whereas the truth is[,] I believe[,] if the lady
is partial to either of them his Brother is the Favourite.
SIR OLIVER. AyeI knowthere are a set of malicious prating
prudent Gossips both male and Female, who murder characters to kill
time, and will rob a young Fellow of his good name before He has years
to know the value of it. . . but I am not to be prejudiced against
my nephew by such I promise you! No! noif Charles has done nothing
false or mean, I shall compound for his extravagance.
ROWLEY. Then my life on't, you will reclaim him. Ah, Sir, it gives
me new vigour to find that your heart is not turned against him
and that the son of my good old master has one friend however left
The School For Scandal
ACT II 30
Page No 33
SIR OLIVER. What! shall I forget Master Rowleywhen I was at his
house myselfegad my Brother and I were neither of us very prudent
youthsand yet I believe you have not seen many better men than your
old master was[.]
ROWLEY. 'Tis this Reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet
be a credit to his Familybut here comes Sir Peter
SIR OLIVER. Egad so He doesmercy on meHe's greatly altered
and seems to have a settled married lookone may read Husband
in his Face at this Distance.
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ha! Sir Olivermy old Friendwelcome to England
a thousand Times!
SIR OLIVER. Thank youthank youSir Peterand Efaith I am
as glad to find you well[,] believe me
SIR PETER. Ah! 'tis a long time since we metsixteen year I doubt
Sir Oliverand many a cross accident in the Time
SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my sharebut, what[!] I find you are
marriedhey my old Boywellwell it can't be help'dand so I wish
you joy with all my heart
SIR PETER. Thank youthanks Sir Oliver.Yes, I have entered into
the happy state but we'll not talk of that now.
SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter old Friends shouldn't begin
on grievances at first meeting. No, no
ROWLEY. Take care pray Sir
SIR OLIVER. Wellso one of my nephews I find is a wild Roguehey?
SIR PETER. Wild!oh! my old FriendI grieve for your disappointment
thereHe's a lost young man indeedhowever his Brother will make you
amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should beeverybody in the
world speaks well of him
SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear ithe has too good a character to be
an honest Fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then He has
bow'd as low to Knaves and Fools as to the honest dignity of Virtue.
SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies?
SIR OLIVER. Yesif He has merit enough to deserve them.
The School For Scandal
ACT II 31
Page No 34
SIR PETER. Wellwellyou'll be convinced when you know him'tis
edification to hear him conversehe professes the noblest Sentiments.
SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentimentsif he salutes me with
a scrap sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly
but however don't mistake me Sir Peter I don't mean to defend
Charles's Errorsbut before I form my judgment of either of them,
I intend to make a trial of their Heartsand my Friend Rowley
and I have planned something for the Purpose.
ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken.
SIR PETER. My life on Joseph's Honour
SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wineand we'll
drink the Lads' Healths and tell you our scheme.
SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then
SIR OLIVER. But don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old
Friend's son.
SIR PETER. 'Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy.
ROWLEY. ComecomeSir Peter consider how early He was left
to his own guidance.
SIR OLIVER. Odds my LifeI am not sorry that He has run out
of the course a littlefor my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence
clinging to the green juices of youth'tis like ivy round
a sapling and spoils the growth of the Tree.
END OF THE SECOND ACT
ACT III
SCENE I.At SIR PETER'S
SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY
SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our
wine afterwards.but how is this, Master RowleyI don't see
the Jet of your scheme.
ROWLEY. Why Sirthis Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly
The School For Scandal
ACT III 32
Page No 35
related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin
but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunesand now
lately coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here
has been flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors
where he is now with two helpless Boys.
SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what
is this to lead to?
ROWLEY. You shall hearHe has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface
and Charlesfrom the former he has received nothing but evasive
promises of future service, while Charles has done all that his
extravagance has left him power to doand He is at this time
endeavouring to raise a sum of moneypart of which, in the midst of
his own distresses, I know He intends for the service of poor Stanley.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother's Son.
SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to
ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley
has obtain'd permission to apply in person to his Friendsand as they
have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his
characterand he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least
of the Benevolence of their Dispositions.
SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothingI make no doubt Charles
is Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations
if he had it
SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it. I have brought
a few Rupees home with me Sir Peterand I only want to be sure
of bestowing them rightly.
ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother
one who in the midst of Folly and dissipationhas still, as our
immortal Bard expresses it,
"a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity."
SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse
either when He has nothing left to give!but if you talk of humane
SentimentsJoseph is the manWell, well, make the trial, if you
please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver
to examine, relative to Charles's affairs?
ROWLEY. Below waiting his commands, and no one can give him better
intelligenceThis, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him
justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to
a proper sense of his extravagance.
The School For Scandal
ACT III 33
Page No 36
SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in.
ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs.
[Calls to SERVANT.]
SIR PETER. But Pray why should you suppose he will speak the truth?
ROWLEY. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering
certain Sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver,
who He knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his Fidelity to his
interest. I have also another evidence in my Power, one Snake, whom
I shall shortly produce to remove some of YOUR Prejudices[,] Sir
Peter[,] relative to Charles and Lady Teazle.
SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that subject.
ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite.
Enter MOSES
This is Sir Oliver.
SIR OLIVER. SirI understand you have lately had great dealings
with my Nephew Charles.
MOSES. Yes Sir OliverI have done all I could for him, but He was
ruined before He came to me for Assistance.
SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky trulyfor you have had no opportunity
of showing your Talents.
MOSES. None at allI hadn't the Pleasure of knowing his Distresses
till he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible
to add to them.
SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all
in your Power for him honest Moses?
MOSES. Yes he knows thatThis very evening I was to have brought
him a gentleman from the city who does not know him and will
I believe advance some money.
SIR PETER. What[!] one Charles has never had money from before?
MOSES. Yes[]Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars.
SIR PETER. Egad, Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me!Charles you say
does'nt know Mr. Premium?
MOSES. Not at all.
The School For Scandal
ACT III 34
Page No 37
SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of
satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor Relation
go with my friend Moses and represent Mr. Premium and then I'll answer
for't you'll see your Nephew in all his glory.
SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other, and I may
visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.
SIR PETER. True so you may.
ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be
surehowever Mosesyou understand Sir Peter and will be faithful
MOSES. You may depend upon meand this is near the Time I was
to have gone.
SIR OLIVER. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses
but holdI have forgot one thinghow the plague shall I be able
to pass for a Jew?
MOSES. There's no needthe Principal is Christian.
SIR OLIVER. Is HeI'm very sorry to hear itbut then again
an't I rather too smartly dressed to look like a moneyLender?
SIR PETER. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you
went in your own carriagewould it, Moses!
MOSES. Not in the least.
SIR OLIVER. Wellbuthow must I talk[?] there's certainly some
cant of usury and mode of treating that I ought to know.
SIR PETER. Oh, there's not much to learnthe great point as I
take it is to be exorbitant enough in your Demands hey Moses?
MOSES. Yes that's very great Point.
SIR OLIVER. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in thatI'll
ask him eight or ten per cent. on the loanat least.
MOSES. You'll be found out directlyif you ask him no more than
that, you'll be discovered immediately.
SIR OLIVER. Hey!what the Plague!how much then?
MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstancesif he appears not
very anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or
fifty per cent.but if you find him in great Distress, and want
the monies very badyou may ask double.
The School For Scandal
ACT III 35
Page No 38
SIR PETER. A good[h]onest Trade you're learning, Sir Oliver
SIR OLIVER. Truly, I think soand not unprofitable
MOSES. Then you knowyou haven't the monies yourself, but are
forced to borrow them for him of a Friend.
SIR OLIVER. O I borrow it of a Friend do I?
MOSES. And your friend is an unconscion'd Dogbut you can't help it.
SIR OLIVER. My Friend's an unconscionable Dog, is he?
MOSES. Yesand He himself hasn't the monies by himbut is forced
to sell stockat a great loss
SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is heat a great loss,
is hewell that's very kind of him
SIR PETER. Efaith, Sir OliverMr. Premium I meanyou'll soon
be master of the Tradebut, Moses would have him inquire if the
borrower is a minor
MOSES. O yes
SIR PETER. And in that case his Conscience will direct him
MOSES. To have the Bond in another Name to be sure.
SIR OLIVER. Wellwell I shall be perfect
SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn't you have him also run out a little
against the annuity Billthat would be in character I should think
MOSES. Very much
ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years
of discretion before He is suffered to ruin himself!
MOSES. Aye, great Pity!
SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act
whose only object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from
the rapacious Relief of usury! and give the minor a chance of
inheriting his estate without being undone by coming into Possession.
SIR OLIVER. SosoMoses shall give me further instructions
as we go together.
SIR PETER. You will not have much time[,] for your Nephew lives
The School For Scandal
ACT III 36
Page No 39
hard bye
SIR OLIVER. Oh Neverfear[:] my Tutor appears so able that tho'
Charles lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am
not a compleat Rogue before I turn the Corner
[Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES.]
SIR PETER. Sonow I think Sir Oliver will be convincedyou shan't
follow them Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles
for 'tother plot.
ROWLEY. No upon my word Sir Peter
SIR PETER. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has
to say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her.
[Exit ROWLEY.]
I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and
Charles were unjustI have never yet opened my mind on this subject
to my Friend Joseph. . . . I am determined. I will do itHe will
give me his opinion sincerely.
Enter MARIA
So Childhas Mr. Surface returned with you
MARIA. No SirHe was engaged.
SIR PETER. WellMariado you not reflect[,] the more you converse
with that amiable young man[,] what return his Partiality for you
deserves?
MARIA. Indeed Sir Peteryour frequent importunity on this subject
distresses me extremelyyou compell me to Declare that I know no man
who has ever paid me a particular Attention whom I would not prefer
to Mr. Surface
SIR PETER. Soh! Here's PerversenessnonoMaria, 'tis Charles
only whom you would prefer'tis evident his Vices and Follies have
won your Heart.
MARIA. This is unkind SirYou know I have obey'd you in neither
seeing nor corresponding with himI have heard enough to convince
me that He is unworthy my regardYet I cannot think it culpable
if while my understanding severely condemns his Vices, my Heart
suggests some Pity for his Distresses.
SIR PETER. Well well pity him as much as you please, but give your
Heart and Hand to a worthier object.
MARIA. Never to his Brother!
The School For Scandal
ACT III 37
Page No 40
SIR PETER. Goperverse and obstinate! but take care, Madam
you have never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is
don't compel me to inform you of it.
MARIA. I can only say, you shall not have just Reason'tis true,
by my Father's will I am for a short period bound to regard you
as his substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would
compel me to be miserable.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Was ever man so crossed as I am[?] everything conspiring
to fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,]
before her Fathera hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe
for the Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . .
but here comes my Helpmate!She appears in great good humour
how happy I should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho'
but a little
Enter LADY TEAZLE
LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven't been quarrelling with
Maria? It isn't using me well to be ill humour'd when I am not bye!
SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me
good humour'd at all times
LADY TEAZLE. I am sureI wish I hadfor I want you to be in a
charming sweet temper at this momentdo be good humour'd now
and let me have two hundred Pounds will you?
SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an't I to be in a good humour
without paying for itbut speak to me thusand Efaith there's
nothing I could refuse you. You shall have itbut seal me a bond
for the repayment.
LADY TEAZLE. O notheremy Note of Hand will do as well
SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you
an independent settlementI shall shortly surprise youand you'll
not call me ungenerousbut shall we always live thushey?
LADY TEAZLE. If youpleaseI'm sure I don't care how soon we leave
off quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first
SIR PETER. Wellthen let our future contest be who shall be most
obliging.
LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you
you look now as you did before we were marriedwhen you used
to walk with me under the Elms, and tell me stories of what
a Gallant you were in your youthand chuck me under the chin
The School For Scandal
ACT III 38
Page No 41
you wouldand ask me if I thought I could love an old Fellow
who would deny me nothingdidn't you?
SIR PETER. Yesyesand you were as kind and attentive
LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I wasand would always take your Part, when
my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule
SIR PETER. Indeed!
LADY TEAZLE. Ayeand when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff
peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one
who might be my FatherI have always defended youand said I didn't
think you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort
of a husband
SIR PETER. And you prophesied rightand we shall certainly now
be the happiest couple
LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again.
SIR PETER. No nevertho' at the same time indeedmy dear Lady
Teazleyou must watch your Temper very narrowlyfor in all our
little Quarrelsmy dearif you recollect my Love you always began
first
LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardonmy dear Sir Peterindeed
you always gave the provocation.
SIR PETER. Nowsee, my Love take carecontradicting isn't the way
to keep Friends.
LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it my Love!
SIR PETER. There nowyou are going onyou don't perceive[,]
my Life, that you are just doing the very thing my Love which
you know always makes me angry.
LADY TEAZLE. Nayyou know if you will be angry without any reason
my Dear
SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again.
LADY TEAZLE. NoI am sure I don'tbut if you will be so peevish
SIR PETER. Therenow who begins first?
LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sureI said nothing[]but there's
no bearing your Temper.
SIR PETER. Nonomy dearthe fault's in your own temper.
The School For Scandal
ACT III 39
Page No 42
LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you
would be
SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophyis a forward impertinent Gipsey
LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bearhow dare you abuse my Relations
SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me,
if ever I try to be Friends with you any more
LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better.
SIR PETER. Nono Madam 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me
I was a madman to marry you
LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry youan old
dangling Batchelor, who was single of [at] fiftyonly because
He never could meet with any one who would have him.
SIR PETER. AyeayeMadambut you were pleased enough to listen
to meyou never had such an offer before
LADY TEAZLE. Nodidn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrierwho everybody
said would have been a better Matchfor his estate is just as good
as yoursand he has broke his Neck since we have been married!
SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an unfeeling
ungratefulbut there's an end of everythingI believe you capable
of anything that's badYes, MadamI now believe the Reports
relative to you and CharlesMadamyesMadamyou and Charles are
not without grounds
LADY TEAZLE. Takecare Sir Peteryou had better not insinuate any
such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you
SIR PETER. VerywellMadamvery well! a separate maintenance
as soon as you Please. Yes Madam or a DivorceI'll make an example
of myself for the Benefit of all old BatchelorsLet us separate,
Madam.
LADY TEAZLE. Agreedagreedand nowmy dear Sir Peter we are
of a mind again, we may be the happiest coupleand never differ
again, you knowha! ha!Well you are going to be in a Passion
I seeand I shall only interrupt youso, bye! bye! hey
young Jockey try'd and countered.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper,
can't I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow!
But I'll not bear her presuming to keep her TemperNo she may
The School For Scandal
ACT III 40
Page No 43
break my Heartbut she shan't keep her Temper.
[Exit.]
SCENE II.At CHARLES's House
Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER
TRIP. Here Master Mosesif you'll stay a momentI'll try whether
Mr.what's the Gentleman's Name?
SIR OLIVER. Mr.Moseswhat IS my name
MOSES. Mr. Premium
TRIP. Premiumvery well.
[Exit TRIPtaking snuff.]
SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servantsone wouldn't believe the master
was ruin'dbut whatsure this was my Brother's House
MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the
Furniture, Pictures, as the old Gentleman left it
Sir Peter thought it a great peice of extravagance in him.
SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's economy in selling it to him
was more reprehensible by half.
Enter TRIP
TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company,
and can't speak with you yet.
SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps
he wouldn't have sent such a Message.
TRIP. YesyesSirHe knows you are hereI didn't forget
little Premiumnono
SIR OLIVER. Very welland pray Sir what may be your Name?
TRIP. Trip Sirmy Name is Trip, at your Service.
SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. TripI presume your master is seldom
without company
TRIP. Very seldom Sirthe world says illnatured things of him
but 'tis all maliceno man was ever better belovedSir he seldom
sits down to dinner without a dozen particular Friends
SIR OLIVER. He's very happy indeedyou have a pleasant sort
The School For Scandal
ACT III 41
Page No 44
of Place here I guess?
TRIP. Why yeshere are three or four of us pass our time agreeably
enoughbut then our wages are sometimes a little in arrearand not
very great eitherbut fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and
Bouquets
SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets!Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside.]
TRIP. But a propos Moseshave you been able to get me that little
Bill discounted?
SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too!mercy on me! has his
distresses, I warrant[,] like a Lordand affects Creditors and Duns!
[Aside.]
MOSES. 'Twas not be done, indeed
TRIP. Good lackyou surprise meMy Friend Brush has indorsed it
and I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill 'twas
as good as cash.
MOSES. No 'twouldn't do.
TRIP. A small sumbut twenty Poundharkee, Moses do you think
you could get it me by way of annuity?
SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity
Well done Luxury egad! [Aside.]
MOSES. Who would you get to join with you?
TRIP. You know my Lord Appliceyou have seen him however
MOSES. Yes
TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makesnobody
dresses better, nobody throws off fastervery well this Gentleman
will stand my security.
MOSES. Wellbut you must insure your Place.
TRIP. O with all my HeartI'll insure my Place, and my Life too,
if you please.
SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck
MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit?
TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has drop'd
latelybut I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter
The School For Scandal
ACT III 42
Page No 45
Cloaths with equity of redemption before November oryou shall
have the reversionof the French velvet, or a post obit on the
Blue and Silverthese I should think Moseswith a few Pair of
Point Ruffles as a collateral securityhey, my little Fellow?
MOSES. Well wellwe'll talk presentlywe detain the Gentlemen
SIR OLIVER. O pray don't let me interrupt Mr. Trip's Negotiation.
TRIP. HarkeeI heard the BellI believe, Gentlemen I can now
introduce youdon't forget the annuity little Moses.
SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple
of Dissipation indeed!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III.CHARLES, CARELESS, etc., etc.
At Table with Wine
CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true!there is the great Degeneracy
of the agemany of our acquaintance have TasteSpirit, and
Politenessbut plague on't they won't drink
CARELESS. It is so indeedCharlesthey give into all the
substantial Luxuries of the Tableand abstain from nothing but
wine and witOh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably
for now instead of the social spirit of Raillery that used
to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy their conversation
is become just like the Spa water they drink which has all the
Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its spirit or Flavour.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than
wine
CARELESS. Truethere's Harry diets himselffor gaming and is now
under a hazard Regimen.
CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of itwhat you wouldn't train
a horse for the course by keeping him from cornFor my Part egad
I am never so successful as when I'm a littlemerrylet me throw
on a Bottle of Champaine and I never loseat least I never feel
my losses which is exactly the same thing.
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may bebut it is as impossible to follow
wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.
CHARLES. Pshawyou may do bothCaesar made Love and Laws
in a Breathand was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies
but no man can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer
The School For Scandal
ACT III 43
Page No 46
of wine'tis the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart
fill a dozen Bumpers to a dozen Beauties, and she that floats
atop is the maid that has bewitched you.
CARELESS. Now then Charlesbe honest and give us yours
CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you
if I toast her you should give a round of her Peers, which
is impossible! on earth!
CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen
Goddesses that will do I warrant
CHARLES. Here thenBumpersyou RoguesBumpers! MariaMaria
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?
CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd
in Love's calendarbut now Careless bewarebewarewe must have
Beauty's superlative.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Carelesswe'll stand to the
Toasttho' your mistress should want an eyeand you know you have
a song will excuse you
CARELESS. Egad so I haveand I'll give him the song instead
of the Lady.
SONG.AND CHORUS(4)
Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
Here's to the widow of fifty;
Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean,
And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
Chorus. Let the toast pass,
Drink to the lass,
I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass.
Here's to the charmer whose dimples we prize;
Now to the maid who has none, sir;
Here's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,
And here's to the nymph with but one, sir.
Chorus. Let the toast pass,
Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow:
Now to her that's as brown as a berry:
Here's to the wife with a face full of woe,
And now to the damsel that's merry.
Chorus. Let the toast pass,
For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim,
Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,
The School For Scandal
ACT III 44
Page No 47
So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,
And let us e'en toast them together.
Chorus. Let the toast pass,
[Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES]
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo CarelessTher's Toast and Sentiment too.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. E' faith there's infinite charity in that song.
CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little.Careless,
take the Chair, will you?
CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charleswhat nowthis is one of your
Peerless Beauties I supposehas dropped in by chance?
CHARLES. NoFaithto tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew and a Broker
who are come by appointment.
CARELESS. O dam it let's have the Jew in.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker.
CHARLES. Egad with all my HeartTripbid the Gentlemen walk in
tho' there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you
TRIP. What Sirwould you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yesyes Mr. Premium certainly.
CARELESS. To be sureMr. Premiumby all means Charles,
let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll
grow conscientious
CHARLES. O, Hang 'emnowine does but draw forth a man's natural
qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.
Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES
CHARLES. Sohonest Moseswalk inwalk in pray Mr. Premium
that's the Gentleman's name isn't it Moses.
MOSES. Yes Sir.
CHARLES. Set chairsTrim.Sit down, Mr Premium.Glasses Trim.
sit down Moses.Come, Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment
Here's Success to UsuryMoses fill the Gentleman a bumper.
MOSES. Success to Usury!
The School For Scandal
ACT III 45
Page No 48
CARELESS. Right MosesUsury is Prudence and industry and deserves
to succeed
SIR OLIVER. Then Here isall the success it deserves!
[Drinks.]
CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yetbut I hope
we shall be better acquainted by and bye
SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shallmore intimately perhaps than
you'll wish. [Aside.(5)]
CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred
at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.
MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, considerMr. Premium's a gentleman.
CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glassthis is mutiny,
and a high contempt for the chair.
CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last
drop of my bottle.
SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemenI did not expect this usage.
CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger.
SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.]
CARELESS. Plague on 'em then! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down
with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.Charles,
you'll join us when you have finished your business with the
gentlemen?
CHARLES. I will! I will!
[Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following.]
Careless.
CARELESS. [Returning.] Well!
CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.
CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond,
'tis all the same to me.
[Exit.]
MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest
The School For Scandal
ACT III 46
Page No 49
honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes.
Mr. Premium, this is
CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest
fellow, but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving
us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this:
I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I
take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am
blockhead enough to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it!
and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can
get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed
to business without further ceremony.
SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are
not a man of many compliments.
CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are
mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe
I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog.
Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he,
Moses!
MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn
to tell a lie!
CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these
are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought
without paying for't!
SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have
no land, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not a molehill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots
out of the window!
SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?
CHARLES. Nothing but live stockand that's only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.
CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle
in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
expectations?
SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
The School For Scandal
ACT III 47
Page No 50
CHARLES. Oh, no!there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal.
[Aside.]
CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you,
a postobit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old
fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should
be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me
for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know,
you would come on me for the money.
SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun
you ever had in your life.
CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good
a life?
SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale
and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no,
the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver.
Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm toldand is so much altered
lately that his nearest relations would not know him.
SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his
nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egadha! ha! ha!
CHARLES. Ha! ha!you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, you areha! ha! ha!you know that mends your
chance.
SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say
The School For Scandal
ACT III 48
Page No 51
he is actually arrived.
CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or
not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he,
Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.
SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I,
though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?
MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!
SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds
immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
CHARLES. How do you mean?
SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left
behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how
better than I can.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family racecups and
corporationbowls![Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his
library was one of the most valuable and compact.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it wasvastly too much so for a private
gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition,
so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the
family like an heirloom![Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the
books?
CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for
I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
MOSES. I know nothing of books.
SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family
pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you
have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your
forefathers, would you?
CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
The School For Scandal
ACT III 49
Page No 52
SIR OLIVER. What! your greatuncles and aunts?
CHARLES. Ay, and my greatgrandfathers and grandmothers too.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up![Aloud.] What the plague,
have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me
for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own
flesh and blood?
CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care,
if you have your money's worth?
SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of
the family canvas.[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!
Reenter CARELESS
CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale
above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!
CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay,
Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneerso come
along with us.
CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle
a hammer as well as a dice box! Going! going!
SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one.
Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think
it a rare joke to sell one's family by auctionha! ha![Aside.]
Oh, the prodigal!
CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should
he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?
[Exeunt.]
SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!
END OF THE THIRD ACT
The School For Scandal
ACT III 50
Page No 53
ACT IV
SCENE I.A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House
Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS
CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;here they are, the family
of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait
painting; no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works
of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance,
yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that
you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no;
the merit of these is the inveterate likenessall stiff and
awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But
come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair
of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer;
and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh,
our genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless,
you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree
for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may
knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!an ex post facto parricide!
[Aside.]
CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;
faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have
found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer,
but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, beginAgoing, agoing,
agoing!
CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard
Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you.
He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 51
Page No 54
over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium?
look at himthere's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your
modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals,
as a general should be. What do you bid?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
that's not dear for a staffofficer.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard
for ten pounds![Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.Here, now,
is a maiden sister of his, my greataunt Deborah, done by Kneller,
in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness.
There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall
have her for five pounds tenthe sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value
on herself![Aloud.] Five pounds tenshe's mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were
a sort of cousins of theirs.You see, Moses, these pictures were done
some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, headdresses appear to have been a little
lower in those days.
CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.
CHARLES. Careless!This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's,
a learned judge, well known on the western circuit,What do you
rate him at, Moses?
MOSES. Four guineas.
CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price
of his wig.Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack;
do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
SIR OLIVER. By all means.
CARELESS. Gone!
CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 52
Page No 55
very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
bought or sold.
SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at
your own price, for the honour of Parliament.
CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.
CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellowI don't know what relation, but
he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen
here into the bargain.
SIR OLIVER. They're mine.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But,
plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner;
do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium?
Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine.
But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
CARELESS. What, that illlooking little fellow over the settee?
SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
illlooking a little fellow, by any means.
CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done
before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever
I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance!
an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow
has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've
a room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all![Aloud.]
But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 53
Page No 56
CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it.
Oons, haven't you got enough of them?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything![Aloud.] But,
Sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll
give you as much for that as for all the rest.
CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part
with it, and there's an end of it.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is. [Aloud.]
Well, well, I have done. [Aside.] I did not perceive it before,
but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. [Aloud.]
Here is a draught for your sum.
CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?
CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.
SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that
another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an
honest fellow, CharlesI beg pardon, sir, for being so free.
Come, Moses.
CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!But hark'ee,
Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.
CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them,
for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their
own carriages.
SIR OLIVER. I will, I willfor all but Oliver.
CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.
SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?
CHARLES. Peremptorily.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue![Aloud.] Good day!
Come, Moses.[Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!
[Exit with MOSES.]
CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 54
Page No 57
the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.Ha! here's
Rowley.Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.
CARELESS. I willbut don't let that old blockhead persuade you
to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such
nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
CARELESS. Nothing else.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear.
[Exit CARELESS.]
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, twothirds
of these five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right.
Fore Heaven! I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations
than I took them for!Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient
and very grateful servant.
[Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.]
Enter ROWLEY
Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave
of your old acquaintance.
ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were agoing. But I wonder you can
have such spirits under so many distresses.
CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that
I can't affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and
splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised
that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations;
to be sure, 'tis very affecting; but you see they never move a muscle,
so why should I?
ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.
CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here,
get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it
immediately to old Stanley.
ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only
CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants
are pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one
call that has a better right to the money.
ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you
with the old proverb
CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS.Why, so I would if I could;
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 55
Page No 58
but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep
pace with Generosity, for the soul of me.
ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection
CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have,
by Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II.The Parlour
Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES
MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles
in high Glory'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.
SIR OLIVER. Truebut he would not sell my Picture
MOSES. And loves wine and women so much
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.
MOSES. And game so deep
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. Ohere's Rowley!
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. SoSir OliverI find you have made a Purchase
SIR OLIVER. Yesyesour young Rake has parted with his Ancestors
like old Tapestrysold Judges and Generals by the footand maiden
Aunts as cheap as broken China.
ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to redeliver you Part
of the purchasemoneyI mean tho' in your necessitous character
of old Stanley
MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.
ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hallwho
I'm sure won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.
SIR OLIVER. WellwellI'll pay his debts and his Benevolences
tooI'll take care of old Stanleymyself But now I am no more
a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother
as Stanley
ROWLEY. Not yet a whileSir Peter I know means to call there about
this time.
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 56
Page No 59
Enter TRIP
TRIP. O GentlemenI beg Pardon for not showing you outthis way
Moses, a word.
[Exit TRIP with MOSES.]
SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you Would you believe it that
Puppy intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money
before he got to his master!
ROWLEY. Indeed!
SIR OLIVER. Yesthey are now planning an annuity Business
Ah Master Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies
of their Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now
they have their Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III.A Library
SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?
SERVANT. No Sir
SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from
coming! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect meyet I wish
I may not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself
in with the wifeHowever, Charles's imprudence and bad character
are great Points in my Favour.
SERVANT. SirI believe that must be Lady Teazle
SURFACE. Hold[!] seewhether it is or not before you go to the
DoorI have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.
SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship SirShe always leaves her Chair at the
milliner's in the next Street.
SURFACE. Staystaydraw that Screen before the Windowthat will
domy opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!
[SERVANT draws the screen and exit.]
I have a difficult Hand to play in this AffairLady Teazle as lately
suspected my Views on Mariabut She must by no means be let into
that secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.
Enter LADY TEAZLE
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 57
Page No 60
LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquyhave you been very
impatient now?O Lud! don't pretend to look graveI vow I couldn't
come before
SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very
unfashionable quality in a Lady.
LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter
is grown so illtempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too
that's the best of the story isn't it?
SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him
and then perhaps He would be convinceddon't youMr. Surface?
SURFACE. Indeed I do not.[Aside.] O certainly I dofor then
my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions
were of my having any design on the silly Girl
LADY TEAZLE. Wellwell I'm inclined to believe youbesides
I really never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.
SURFACE. O for her Fortunenothing else
LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty
yet she has no conversation in the worldand is so grave and
reservedthat I declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife
for Sir Peter.
SURFACE. So she would.
LADY TEAZLE. Thenone never hears her speak ill of anybodywhich
you know is mighty dull
SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding
LADY TEAZLE. No more she doesyet one is always disapointed when
one hears [her] speakFor though her Eyes have no kind of meaning
in themshe very seldom talks Nonsense.
SURFACE. Naynay surelyshe has very fine eyes
LADY TEAZLE. Why so she hastho' sometimes one fancies there's
a little sort of a squint
SURFACE. A squintO fieLady Teazle.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes yesI vow nowcome there is a lefthanded Cupid
in one eyethat's the Truth on't.
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 58
Page No 61
SURFACE. Wellhis aim is very direct howeverbut Lady Sneerwell
has quite corrupted you.
LADY TEAZLE. No indeedI have not opinion enough of her to be taught
by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of
mewhich you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.
SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her
than others of her acquaintance.
LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most illnatured
Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated
I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without
any foundation, too; that's what vexes me.
SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking circumstance
without Foundationyes yesthere's the mortification indeed
for when a slanderous story is believed against onethere certainly
is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it
LADY TEAZLE. No to be surethen I'd forgive their malice
but to attack me, who am really so innocentand who never say
an illnatured thing of anybodythat is, of any Friend!
and then Sir Peter tooto have him so peevishand so suspicious
when I know the integrity of my own Heartindeed 'tis monstrous.
SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer
itwhen a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and
withdraws his confidence from herthe original compact is broke and
she owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him
LADY TEAZLE. IndeedSo that if He suspects me without cause
it follows that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him
reason for't
SURFACE. Undoubtedlyfor your Husband [should] never be deceived
in youand in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment
to his discernment
LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonableand when
the consciousness of my own Innocence
SURFACE. Ah: my dearMadam there is the great mistake'tis this
very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you
what is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's
opinionwhy the consciousness of your Innocencewhat makes you
thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little
imprudenceswhy the consciousness of your Innocencewhat makes you
impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions
why the consciousness of your own Innocence
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 59
Page No 62
LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.
SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling
Faux Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how
ready to humour and agree with your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so
SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would
cease at oncefor in short your Character at Present is like
a Person in a Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health
LADY TEAZLE. Sosothen I perceive your Prescription is that
I must sin in my own Defenceand part with my virtue to preserve
my Reputation.
SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]
LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrineand the
newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE. An infallible one believe mePrudence like experience
must be paid for
LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced
SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convincedyesyesHeaven forbid I should persuade you to do
anything you THOUGHT wrongnonoI have too much honor
to desire it
LADY TEAZLE. Don'tyou think we may as well leave Honor
out of the Argument? [Rises.]
SURFACE. Ahthe ill effects of your country education I see
still remain with you.
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeedand I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
illusagesooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of
Enter SERVANT
Sdeath, you Blockheadwhat do you want?
SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse
Sir Peter to come up without announcing him?
SURFACE. Sir PeterOonsthe Devil!
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 60
Page No 63
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undonewhat will become of me now Mr. Logick.
Oh! mercy, He's on the StairsI'll get behind hereand if ever
I'm so imprudent again
[Goes behind the screen]
SURFACE. Give me thatBook!
[Sits downSERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair]
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ayeever improving himself!Mr. Surface
SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir PeterI beg your Pardon[Gaping and
throws away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid
Book! wellI am much obliged to you for this CallYou haven't
been here I believe since I fitted up this RoomBooks you know
are the only Things I am a Coxcomb in
SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeedwell well that's proper
and you make even your Screen a source of knowledgehung
I perceive with Maps
SURFACE. O yesI find great use in that Screen.
SIR PETER. I dare say you mustcertainlywhen you want to find
out anything in a Hurry.
SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either
SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Businessif we were alone
SURFACE. You needn't stay.
SERVANT. NoSir
[Exit SERVANT.]
SURFACE. Here's a ChairSir PeterI beg
SIR PETER. Wellnow we are alonethere IS a subjectmy dear
Friendon which I wish to unburthen my Mind to youa Point
of the greatest moment to my Peacein short, my good Friend
Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 61
Page No 64
SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard
for mebut what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect
that she must have formed an attachment to another.
SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
SIR PETER. Yesand between ourselvesI think I have discover'd
the Person.
SURFACE. Howyou alarm me exceedingly!
SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.
SURFACE. Yesbelieve me Sir Petersuch a discovery would hurt me
just as much as it would you
SIR PETER. I am convinced of itahit is a happiness to have
a Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets
but have you no guess who I mean?
SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Ideait can't be
Sir Benjamin Backbite.
SIR PETER. ONo. What say you to Charles?
SURFACE. My Brotherimpossible!O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit
the scandalous insinuations you hearno noCharles to be sure
has been charged with many things but go I can never think
He would meditate so gross an injury
SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friendthe goodness of your own Heart
misleads youyou judge of others by yourself.
SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peterthe Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.
SIR PETER. Truebut your Brother has no sentiment[]you never hear
him talk so.
SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable of
nothere is no knowingyet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself
has too much Principle
SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a
handsomelively young Fellow
SURFACE. That's very true
SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very
improbable that she should have any great affection for meand if she
were to be frail and I were to make it Publicwhy the Town would only
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 62
Page No 65
laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl
SURFACE. That's trueto be sure People would laugh.
SIR PETER. Laughaye and make Balladsand Paragraphs and the Devil
knows what of me
SURFACE. Noyou must never make it public
SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend,
Sir Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury
hurts me more nearly
SURFACE. Undoubtedlywhen Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury
the wound has double danger in it
SIR PETER. AyeI that was in a manner left his Guardian
in his House he had been so often entertain'dwho never in my Life
denied him my advice
SURFACE. O 'tis not to be creditedThere may be a man capable
of such Baseness, to be surebut for my Part till you can give me
positive Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However,
if this should be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine
I disclaim kindred with himfor the man who can break thro' the Laws
of Hospitalityand attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be
branded as the Pest of Society.
SIR PETER. What a difference there is between youwhat noble
sentiments!
SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.
SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of herand to remove
all ground of Quarrel between usShe has lately reproach'd me more
than once with having made no settlement on herand, in our last
Quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if
I was dead.now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense
I have resolved she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect
for the futureand if I were to dieshe shall find that I have not
been inattentive to her Interests while livingHere my Friend
are the Draughts of two Deeds which I wish to have your opinion on
by one she will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live
and by the other the bulk of my Fortune after my Death.
SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish
it may not corrupt my pupil.[Aside.]
SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain
tho' I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my
affection yet awhile.
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 63
Page No 66
SURFACE. Nor Iif I could help it.
SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over
the situation of your Hopes with Maria.
SURFACE. NonoSir Peteranother Time if you Please[softly].
SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem
to make in her affection.
SURFACE. I beg you will not mention itWhat are my Disappointments
when your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined
every way.
SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle
with YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.
SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me.I am really too much
affected by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought
on my own concernsThe Man who is entrusted with his Friend's
Distresses can never
Enter SERVANT
Well, Sir?
SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, isspeaking to a Gentleman in the Street,
and says He knows you're within.
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, BlockheadI'm NOT withinI'm out for the Day.
SIR PETER. Stayholda thought has struck meyou shall be at home.
SURFACE. Wellwelllet him up.
[Exit SERVANT.]
He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside.]
SIR PETER. Now, my good Friendoblige me I Intreat youbefore
Charles comeslet me conceal myself somewhereThen do you tax him
on the Point we have been talking onand his answers may satisfy me
at once.
SURFACE. O FieSir Peterwould you have ME join in so mean
a Trick? to trepan my Brother too?
SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocentif so you
do him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear
himselfandyou will set my Heart at restcome you shall not refuse
mehere behind this Screen will behey! what the Devilthere seems
to be one listener here alreadyI'll swear I saw a Petticoat.
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 64
Page No 67
SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enoughI'll tell you,
Sir Petertho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable
Characteryet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an
absolute Joseph eitherhark'ee'tis a little French Milliner
a silly Rogue that plagues meand having some character, on your
coming she ran behind the Screen.
SIR PETER. Ah a Roguebut 'egad she has overheard all I have been
saying of my Wife.
SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.
SIR PETER. No!then efaith let her hear it out.Here's a Closet
will do as well.
SURFACE. Well, go in there.
SIR PETER. Sly roguesly Rogue.
SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape! and a curious situation
I'm in!to part man and wife in this manner.
LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out.] Couldn't I steal off
SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!
SIR PETER. [Peeping out.] Josephtax him home.
SURFACE. Backmy dear Friend
LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in?
SURFACE. Be stillmy Life!
SIR PETER. [Peeping.] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?
SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key
to the Door.
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Hollo! Brotherwhat has been the matter? your Fellow
wouldn't let me up at firstWhat[?] have you had a Jew or a wench
with you.
SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.
CHARLES. Butwhat has made Sir Peter steal offI thought He had
been with you
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 65
Page No 68
SURFACE. He WAS Brotherbut hearing you were coming He didn't
chuse to stay
CHARLES. What[!] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow
money of him?
SURFACE. No Sirbut I am sorry to find[,] Charlesyou have lately
given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.
CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men
but how so Pray?
SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring
to gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.
CHARLES. Who IO Lud! not I upon my word.Ha! ha! ha! so the old
Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's
worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?
SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on BrotherHe who can laugh
CHARLES. True true as you were going to saythen seriously I never
had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.
CHARLES. [Aloud.] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed
to have taken a fancybut upon my soul I never gave her the least
encouragement.Beside you know my Attachment to Maria
SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the
fondest Partiality for you
CHARLES. Whylook'ee JosephI hope I shall never deliberately
do a dishonourable Actionbut if a pretty woman was purposely
to throw herself in my wayand that pretty woman married to a man
old enough to be her Father
SURFACE. Well?
CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your
Morality, that's all.but, Brother do you know now that you surprize
me exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazlefor faith I always
understood YOU were her Favourite
SURFACE. O for shameCharlesThis retort is Foolish.
CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant
Glances
SURFACE. NaynaySirthis is no jest
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 66
Page No 69
CHARLES. EgadI'm seriousDon't you rememberone Day, when
I called here
SURFACE. NaypritheeCharles
CHARLES. And found you together
SURFACE. Zounds, SirI insist
CHARLES. And another time when your Servant
SURFACE. Brotherbrother a word with youGad I must stop him
[Aside.]
CHARLES. Informedme that
SURFACE. Hush!I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all
we have been sayingI knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't
have consented
CHARLES. How Sir PeterWhere is He
SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.]
CHARLES. [In the Closet!] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out
Sir Peter come forth!
SURFACE. Nono
CHARLES. I say Sir Petercome into court.
[Pulls in SIR PETER.]
Whatmy old Guardianwhat[!] turn inquisitor and take evidence
incog.
SIR PETER. Give me your handCharlesI believe I have suspected
you wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph'twas my Plan
CHARLES. Indeed!
SIR PETER. But I acquit youI promise you I don't think near so ill
of you as I didwhat I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it
Joseph?
SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.
CHARLES. Ayeayethat was a Joke.
SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 67
Page No 70
CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this
matter, for all thatmightn't He, Joseph?
SIR PETER. Well well I believe you
SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!
Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE
SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.
SURFACE. GentlemenI beg PardonI must wait on you downstairs
Here is a Person come on particular Business
CHARLES. Well you can see him in another RoomSir Peter and
I haven't met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.
SURFACE. They must not be left together.I'll send this man away
and return directly
[SURFACE goes out.]
SIR PETER. AhCharles if you associated more with your Brother,
one might indeed hope for your reformationHe is a man of Sentiment
Well! there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by halfand so apprehensive of
his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let
a Priest in his House as a Girl
SIR PETER. Nonocome come,you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no
Rake but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great
mind to tell himwe should have such a Laugh!
CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchoritea young Hermit!
SIR PETER. Harkeeyou must not abuse him, he may chance to hear
of it again I promise you.
CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?
SIR PETER. Nobutthis way. Egad, I'll tell himHarkee, have
you a mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?
CHARLES. I should like it of all things
SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we willI'll be quit with him for
discovering me.He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.]
CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 68
Page No 71
SIR PETER. Hush!a little French Millinerand the best of the jest
isshe's in the room now.
CHARLES. The devil she is
SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.]
CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!
SIR PETER. Nono! He's comingyou shan't indeed!
CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!
SIR PETER. Not for the worldJoseph will never forgive me.
CHARLES. I'll stand by you
SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming
[SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.]
Reenter JOSEPH SURFACE
CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!
CHARLES. Sir PeterThis is one of the smartest French Milliners
I ever saw!Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves
here at Hide and Seekand I don't see who is out of the Secret!
Shall I beg your Ladyship to inform me!Not a word!Brother!
will you please to explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too?
Sir Peter, though I found you in the Darkperhaps you are not so
nowall mute! Well tho' I can make nothing of the Affair, I make
no doubt but you perfectly understand one anotherso I'll leave you
to yourselves.[Going.] Brother I'm sorry to find you have given
that worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness!Sir Peterthere's
nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
[Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES.]
SURFACE. Sir Peternotwithstanding I confess that appearances
are against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt
but I shall explain everything to your satisfaction.
SIR PETER. If you pleaseSir
SURFACE. The Fact is Sirthat Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions
to your ward MariaI say Sir Lady Teazlebeing apprehensive of the
Jealousy of your Temperand knowing my Friendship to the Family. S
he SirI say call'd herein order that I might explain those
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 69
Page No 72
Pretensionsbut on your coming being apprehensiveas I said of your
Jealousyshe withdrewand this, you may depend on't is the whole
truth of the Matter.
SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear
the Lady will vouch for every article of it.
LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter
SIR PETER. How[!] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.
LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that
Gentleman has told you.
SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for
myself
SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Siryou'll find she'll make out
a better story than you without Prompting.
LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir PeterI came hither on no matter relating
to your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to
herbut I cameseduced by his insidious argumentsand pretended
Passion[]at least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not
to sacrifice your Honour to his Baseness.
SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.]
SURFACE. The Woman's mad
LADY TEAZLE. No Sirshe has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts
have furnished her with the means. Sir PeterI do not expect you
to credit mebut the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure
you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my
Heart that had I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery
my future life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude
as for that smoothtongued Hypocritewho would have seduced the wife
of his too credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses
to his wardI behold him now in a light so truly despicable that
I shall never again Respect myself for having Listened to him.
[Exit.]
SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir PeterHeaven knows
SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!and so I leave you to your
conscience
The School For Scandal
ACT IV 70
Page No 73
SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peteryou SHALL hear meThe man
who shuts out conviction by refusing to
[Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.]
END OF THE FOURTH ACT
ACT V
SCENE I.The Library
Enter SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him?
you must know he came to ask something!
SERVANT. SirI shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley
came to the Door with him.
SURFACE. Pshaw!Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in
a Temper to receive visits from poor Relations!well why don't
you show the Fellow up?
SERVANT. I willSirWhy, Sirit was not my Fault that Sir Peter
discover'd my Lady
SURFACE. Go, fool!
[Exit SERVANT.]
Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before
my character with Sir Peter!my Hopes with Maria!destroy'd in
a moment!I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's
Distresses!I shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment
on StanleySo! hereHe comes and Rowley with himI MUST try to
recover myself, and put a little Charity into my Face however.
[Exit.]
Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY
SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was Hewas it not?
ROWLEY. It was Sirbut I doubt you are come a little too abruptly
his Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too
much for himI should have gone first to break you to him.
SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nervesyet this is He whom Sir Peter
extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking!
The School For Scandal
ACT V 71
Page No 74
ROWLEY. As to his way of thinkingI can't pretend to decide[,]
for, to do him justice He appears to have as much speculative
Benevolence as any private Gentleman in the Kingdomthough he is
seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it
SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose
at his Fingers' ends!
ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe
there is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins
at Home.'
SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never
stirs abroad at all.
ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it sobut He's comingI mustn't seem
to interrupt youand you know immediatelyas you leave himI come
in to announceyour arrival in your real Character.
SIR OLIVER. Trueand afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's
ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.
[Exit.]
SIR OLIVER. SoI see he has premeditated a Denial by the
Complaisance of his Features.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. SirI beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping
you a moment waitingMr. StanleyI presume
SIR OLIVER. At your Service.
SURFACE. SirI beg you will do me the honour to sit down
I entreat you Sir.
SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasiontoo civil by half!
SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley
but I am extremely happy to see you look so wellyou were nearly
related to my motherI think Mr. Stanley
SIR OLIVER. I was Sirso nearly that my present Poverty I fear
may do discredit to her Wealthy Childrenelse I should not
have presumed to trouble you.
SURFACE. Dear Sirthere needs no apologyHe that is in Distress
tho' a stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy
I am sure I wish I was of that class, and had it in my power
The School For Scandal
ACT V 72
Page No 75
to offer you even a small relief.
SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were hereI should have
a Friend
SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heartyou should not want
an advocate with himbelieve me Sir.
SIR OLIVER. I should not need onemy Distresses would recommend
me.but I imaginedhis Bounty had enabled you to become the agent
of his Charity.
SURFACE. My dear Siryou are strangely misinformedSir Oliver
is a worthy Man, a worthy mana very worthy sort of Manbut avarice
Mr. Stanley is the vice of ageI will tell you my good Sir in
confidence:what he has done for me has been a merenothing[;]
tho' People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never
chose to contradict the Report.
SIR OLIVER. What!has he never transmittedyouBullionRupees
Pagodas!
SURFACE. O Dear SirNothing of the kindnonoa few Presents
now and thenchina, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavatsand indian
Crackerslittle more, believe me.
SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!
Avadavats and indian Crackers.
SURFACE. Then my dearSiryou have heard, I doubt not, of the
extravagance of my BrotherSirthere are very few would credit
what I have done for that unfortunate young man.
SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!
SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeedI have been exceedingly
to blameit was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend
to defend itand now I feel it doubly culpablesince it has
deprived me of the power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart
directs
SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Siryou cannot assist me?
SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannotbut whenever
I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry
SURFACE. Not more than I am believe meto pity without the Power
to relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied
The School For Scandal
ACT V 73
Page No 76
SIR OLIVER. Kind Siryour most obedient humble servant.
SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. StanleyWilliam
be ready to open the door
SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony
SURFACE. Your very obedient
SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious
SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be
of service
SIR OLIVER. Sweet Siryou are too good
SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits
SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant
SURFACE. Siryours as sincerely
SIR OLIVER. Charles!you are my Heir.
[Exit.]
SURFACE, solus
Soh!This is one bad effect of a good Characterit invites
applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small degree
of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without incurring
the expence.The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive article
in the catalogue of a man's good Qualitieswhereas the sentimental
French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a shewand pays
no tax.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. Mr. Surfaceyour Servant: I was apprehensive of
interrupting you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention
as this Note will inform you
SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. RowleyhowOliverSurface!
My Unkle arrived!
ROWLEY. He is indeedwe have just partedquite wellafter
a speedy voyageand impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.
SURFACE. I am astonished!William[!] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not
gone
ROWLEY. OHe's out of reachI believe.
The School For Scandal
ACT V 74
Page No 77
SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together.
ROWLEY. I thought you had particularBusinessbut must be gone
to inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle.
He will be with you in a quarter of an hour
SURFACE. So he says. WellI am strangely overjoy'd at his coming
never to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky!
ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.
SURFACE. OI'm rejoiced to hear itjust at this time
ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him
SURFACE. Dodopraygive my best duty and affectionindeed,
I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing
him!certainly his coming just at this Time is the cruellest
piece of ill Fortune
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II.At SIR PETER'S House
Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT
SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.
MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour
SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her
MRS. CANDOUR. Do go againI shall be glad to see her if it be
only for a momentfor I am sure she must be in great Distress
[exit MAID]
Dear Hearthow provoking!I'm not mistress of half the
circumstances!We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers
with the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story
at a dozen houses.
Enter SIR BENJAMIN
Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose
SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface
MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery
SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure
MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life!I am so
The School For Scandal
ACT V 75
Page No 78
sorry for all Partiesindeed,
SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at allhe was so
extravagantpartial to Mr. Surface
MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface!why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle
was detected.
SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant.
MRS. CANDOUR. NonoCharles is the man'twas Mr. Surface brought
Sir Peter on purpose to discover them
SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one
MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one
SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it
MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediatelybut here comes Lady Sneerwell
perhaps she knows the whole affair.
Enter LADY SNEERWELL
LADY SNEERWELL. Somy dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair
of our Friend Teazle
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'
indeed she was always too lively for me.
MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little toofree
but she was very young
LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities.
MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeedbut have you heard the Particulars?
LADY SNEERWELL. Nobut everybody says that Mr. Surface
SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told youMr. Surface was the Man.
MRS. CANDOUR. Nonoindeed the assignation was with Charles
LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!You alarm me Mrs. Candour!
MRS. CANDOUR. Yesyes He was the LoverMr. Surfacedo him
justicewas only the Informer.
SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour
The School For Scandal
ACT V 76
Page No 79
but be it which it mayI hope that Sir Peter's wound will not
MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word
of their Fighting
LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable!
SIR BENJAMIN. Nowhat no mention of the Duel
MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word
SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lordyesyesthey fought before they left
the Room.
LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ayedo obligeus with the Duel
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'says Sir Peterimmediately after the Discovery,
'you are a most ungrateful Fellow.'
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles
SIR BENJAMIN. No, noto Mr. Surface'a most ungrateful Fellow;
and old as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.'
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very
unlikely Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House.
SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at allgiving me immediate
satisfactionon this, MadamLady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such
Dangerran out of the Room in strong Hystericsand Charles after
her calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madamthey began
to fight with Swords
Enter CRABTREE
CRABTREE. With PistolsNephewI have it from undoubted authority.
MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true
CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously
wounded
SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in secondquite thro' his left side
CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax
MRS. CANDOUR. Mercyon me[!] Poor Sir Peter
CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter
The School For Scandal
ACT V 77
Page No 80
if he could
MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person
SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter
CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude
SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know
CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speakand insisted on immediate
SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said
CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too
A Pair of Pistols lay on the Bureaufor Mr. Surfaceit seems,
had come home the Night before late from SaltHill where He had been
to see the Montem with a Friend, who has a Son at Etonso unluckily
the Pistols were left Charged
SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this
CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired
it seems pretty nearly togetherCharles's shot took Place as I tell
youand Sir Peter's miss'dbut what is very extraordinary the Ball
struck against a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place
grazed out of the window at a right angleand wounded the Postman,
who was just coming to the Door with a double letter from
Northamptonshire.
SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must
confessbut I believe mine is the true one for all that.
LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they
imagineand must have better information.
[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted
for.
CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO saybut that's neither here
nor there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present
CRABTREE. Oh! theybrought him home and He is now in the House,
tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it
MRS. CANDOUR. I believe soand Lady TeazleI suppose attending
him
The School For Scandal
ACT V 78
Page No 81
CRABTREE. Yes yesand I saw one of the Faculty enter just before
me
SIR BENJAMIN. Heywho comes here
CRABTREE. Oh, this is Hethe Physician depend on't.
MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall
know
Enter SIR OLIVER
CRABTREE. Well, Doctorwhat Hopes?
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword
CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thoraxfor a hundred!
SIR OLIVER. Doctor!a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet
in the Thorax!oon's are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presumebut, sir,
you must have heard of this accident
SIR OLIVER. Not a word!
CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!
SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body
CRABTREE. Shot in the breast
SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface
CRABTREE. Aye the younger.
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely
in your accountshowever you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously
wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
The School For Scandal
ACT V 79
Page No 82
SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation,
he is the most imprudent man aliveFor here he comes walking
as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter SIR PETER
Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you,
for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?
SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet
SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law
or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel
is not trueand are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER. Sosoall over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame
to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband,
he's very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing
and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.
SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,
I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll
make the best report of you we can.
SIR PETER. Leave my house!
The School For Scandal
ACT V 80
Page No 83
CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR PETER. Leave my House
SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom
would choke them!
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter
SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies askingdo I ever pass a Day
without my Vexations?
SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not InquisitiveI come only to tell you,
that I have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.
SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!
ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliveris convinced that your judgment was right
Sir Peter.
SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.
ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.
SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.
ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.
SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age!
But how's this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend
Joseph's Praise as I expected.
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world,
and the fewer we praise the better.
ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peterwho were never mistaken
in your Life?
SIR PETER. PshawPlague on you bothI see by your sneering
you have heardthe whole affairI shall go mad among you!
ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peterwe are indeed
acquainted with it allI met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so
humbled, that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you
The School For Scandal
ACT V 81
Page No 84
SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?
SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!
SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screenhey[?]
SIR OLIVER. Yes yesand the little French Milliner. Oh,
I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant!
SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!
ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charlesto pull Sir Peter out of the
closet: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure
SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen
your Face when the screen was thrown downha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha!
O I must never show my head again!
SIR OLIVER. But comecome it isn't fair to laugh at you neither
my old Friendtho' upon my soul I can't help it
SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does
not hurt me at allI laugh at the whole affair myselfYesyes
I think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy
situationO yesand then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about
Mr. S, Lady T, and Sir P, will be so entertaining!
I shall certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind
in the Face again!
ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule
of Foolsbut I see Lady Teazle going towards the next RoomI am sure
you must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you
well I'll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must
bring you all presently to Mr. Surface'swhere I am now returning
if not to reclaim a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.
The School For Scandal
ACT V 82
Page No 85
SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there
with all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.
SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of
my Plot that you all live so near one another!
[Exit SIR OLIVER.]
ROWLEY. We'll follow
SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley
ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you
perceive.see she is in Tears!
SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.how
dejected she appears
ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her
SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming
in a wifedon't you think it will do her good to let her Pine
a little.
ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you
SIR PETER. Well I know not what to thinkyou remember Rowley
the Letter I found of her'sevidently intended for Charles?
ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peterlaid in your way on Purpose
this is one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you
conviction on
SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of thatShe looks this
waywhat a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has!
Rowley I'll go to her
ROWLEY. Certainly
SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People
will laugh at me ten times more!
ROWLEY. Letthem laughand retort their malice only by
showing them you are happy in spite of it.
SIR PETER. Efaith so I willand, if I'm not mistaken we may yet
be the happiest couple in the country
ROWLEY. Nay Sir PeterHe who once lays aside suspicion
SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowleyif you have any Regard for me
never let me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had
The School For Scandal
ACT V 83
Page No 86
enough of THEM to serve me the rest of my Life.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE THE LAST.The Library
SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL
LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately
be reconciled to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose
his union with MARIA? the thought is Distraction to me!
SURFACE. Can Passionfurnish a Remedy?
LADY SNEERWELL. Nonor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot
to league with such a Blunderer!
SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Suffereryet you
see I bear the accident with Calmness.
LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your
HEARTyour interest only attached you to Mariahad you felt for
herwhat I have for that ungrateful Libertineneither your Temper
nor Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your
Vexation.
SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this
Disappointment?
LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate
in your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way.had you
not a sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and
supplanting your BrotherI hate such an avarice of crimes'tis
an unfair monopoly and never prospers.
SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blameI confess I deviated
from the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally
defeated neither.
LADY SNEERWELL. No!
SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met
and that you still believe him faithful to us
LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.
SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessaryto swear
and prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour
to your Ladyshipwhich some of his former letters to you will serve
to support
The School For Scandal
ACT V 84
Page No 87
LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted
SURFACE. Comecome it is not too late yetbut hark! this is
probably my Unkle Sir Oliverretire to that Roomwe'll consult
further when He's gone.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to
SURFACE. O I have no fear of thatSir Peter will hold his tongue
for his own credit sakeand you may depend on't I shall soon Discover
Sir Oliver's weak side!
LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilitiesonly
be constant to one roguery at a time
[Exit.]
SURFACE. I willI willSo 'tis confounded hard after such bad
Fortune, to be baited by one's confederate in evilwell at all
events my character is so much better than Charles's, that I
certainlyheywhat!this is not Sir Oliverbut old Stanley
again!Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now
I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him hereand
Enter SIR OLIVER
Gad's life, Mr. Stanleywhy have you come back to plague me
at this time? you must not stay now upon my word!
SIR OLIVER. SirI hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here
and tho' He has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll
do for me
SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay nowso I must
begcome any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.
SIR OLIVER. NoSir Oliver and I must be acquainted
SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the
Room directly
SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir
SURFACE. SirI insist on'there William show this Gentleman out.
Since you compel me Sirnot one momentthis is such insolence.
[Going to push him out.]
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now?what the Devil have you
got hold of my little Broker here! ZoundsBrother, don't hurt
little Premium. What's the mattermy little Fellow?
The School For Scandal
ACT V 85
Page No 88
SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He
CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little
But sure Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?
SURFACE. Borrowingno!But, Brotheryou know sure we expect
Sir Oliver every
CHARLES. O Gad, that's trueNoll mustn't find the little Broker
here to be sure
SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists
CHARLES. Stanleywhy his name's Premium
SURFACE. No no Stanley.
CHARLES. No, noPremium.
SURFACE. Well no matter whichbut
CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you
sayfor I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's
at the CoffeeHouse. [Knock.]
SURFACE. 'Sdeathhere's Sir Oliver at the DoorNow I beg
Mr. Stanley
CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium
SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen
SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go
CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly
SIR OLIVER. This violence
SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault.
CHARLES. Out with him to be sure.
[Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.]
Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY
SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver!hey! what in the name
of wonder!Here are dutiful Nephews!assault their Unkle
at his first Visit!
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you.
The School For Scandal
ACT V 86
Page No 89
ROWLEY. Truly it wasfor I perceive Sir Oliver the character
of old Stanley was no Protection to you.
SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium eitherthe necessities of the former
could not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and
with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors,
and being knocked down without being bid for.
SURFACE. Charles!
CHARLES. Joseph!
SURFACE. 'Tis compleat!
CHARLES. Very!
SIR OLIVER. Sir Petermy Friend and Rowley toolook on that
elder Nephew of mineYou know what He has already received from
my Bounty and you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half
my Fortune as held in trust for himjudge then my Disappointment
in discovering him to be destitute of TruthCharityand Gratitude
SIR PETER. Sir OliverI should be more surprized at this
Declaration, if I had not myself found him to be selfish
treacherous and Hypocritical.
LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these
pray let him call ME to his Character.
SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no moreif He knows himself
He will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known
to the world
CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honestywhat will they say to ME
by and bye!
SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigalhis Brother there
CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turnthe damn'd Family Pictures will ruin
me
SURFACE. Sir OliverUnklewill you honour me with a hearing
CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and
I might recollect myself a little
SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself
entirely
SURFACE. I trust I could
The School For Scandal
ACT V 87
Page No 90
SIR OLIVER. Nayif you desert your Roguery in its Distress and
try to be justifiedyou have even less principle than I thought
you had.[To CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sirand YOU could JUSTIFY
yourself too I suppose
CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
SIR OLIVER. What[!] little Premium has been let too much into the
secret I presume.
CHARLES. TrueSirbut they were Family Secrets, and should not be
mentioned again you know.
ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies
with anger.
SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I cannor with gravity either
Sir Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his
Ancestorssold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts
as cheap as broken China!
CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with
the Family Canvas that's the truth on't:my Ancestors may certainly
rise in judgment against me there's no denying itbut believe me
sincere when I tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was
notthat if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies,
it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing
you, my liberal benefactor.
SIR OLIVER. CharlesI believe yougive me your hand again:
the illlooking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.
CHARLES. Then Sirmy Gratitude to the original is still encreased.
LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing.] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one
whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.
SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment thereand, with the
young Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush
SIR PETER. WellChildspeak your sentimentsyou knowwe are
going to be reconciled to Charles
MARIA. SirI have little to saybut that I shall rejoice to hear
that He is happyFor mewhatever claim I had to his Affection
I willing resign to one who has a better title.
CHARLES. How Maria!
SIR PETER. Heydaywhat's the mystery now? while he appeared
The School For Scandal
ACT V 88
Page No 91
an incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else
and now that He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him!
MARIA. His own Heartand Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
[CHARLES.] Lady Sneerwell!
SURFACE. Brother it is with great concernI am obliged
to speak on this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me
and Lady Sneerwell's injuries can no longerbe concealed
[Goes to the Door.]
Enter LADY SNEERWELL
SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one
in every Room in the House I suppose
LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and
feel for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me
into.
CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have
Life I don't understand it.
SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person
more necessary to make it extremely clear.
SIR PETER. And that PersonI imagine, is Mr. SnakeRowleyyou
were perfectly right to bring him with usand pray let him appear.
ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake
Enter SNAKE
I thought his Testimony might be wantedhowever it happens unluckily
that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her
LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain!Treacherous to me at last! Speak,
Fellow, have you too conspired against me?
SNAKE. I beg your Ladyshipten thousand Pardonsyou paid me
extremely Liberally for the Lie in questionbut I unfortunately
have been offer'd double to speak the Truth.
LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!
LADY TEAZLE. HoldLady Sneerwellbefore you go let me thank you
for the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters
from me to Charles and answering them yourselfand let me also
request you to make my Respects to the Scandalous Collegeof which
you are Presidentand inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate,
The School For Scandal
ACT V 89
Page No 92
begs leave to return the diploma they granted heras she leaves of[f]
Practice and kills Characters no longer.
LADY SNEERWELL. Provokinginsolent!may your Husband live these
fifty years!
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury
LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!
SIR PETER. Heynot for her last wish?
LADY TEAZLE. O No
SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now?
SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could
be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us
all that I know not what to sayhowever, lest her Revengeful
Spirit should prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better
follow her directly.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.Oil and Vinegar
egad:you'll do very well together.
ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present
SNAKE. Before I goI beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness
I have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.
SIR PETER. Wellwell you have made atonement by a good Deed
at last
SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never
be known
SIR PETER. Hey!what the Plagueare you ashamed of having done
a right thing once in your life?
SNAKE. Ah: Sirconsider I live by the Badness of my Character!
I have nothing but my Infamy to depend on!and, if it were once
known that I had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose
every Friend I have in the world.
SIR OLIVER. Wellwell we'll not traduce you by saying anything
to your Praise never fear.
[Exit SNAKE.]
The School For Scandal
ACT V 90
Page No 93
SIR PETER. There's a precious RogueYet that fellow is a Writer
and a Critic.
LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now
to reconcile your Nephew and Maria
SIR OLIVER. Ayeayethat's as it should be and egad we'll have
the wedding tomorrow morning
CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!
SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first
CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long timeabove a minute ago
nd She has look'd yes
MARIA. For ShameCharlesI protest Sir Peter, there has not been
a word
SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Bettermay your love for each
other never knowabatement.
SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle
and Iintend to do
CHARLES. Rowley my old FriendI am sure you congratulate me and
I suspect too that I owe you much.
SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles
ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have
been in my debt for the attemptbut deserve to be happyand you
overrepay me.
SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.
CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises
and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it
But here shall be my Monitormy gentle Guide.ah! can I leave
the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway,
Thou still must Rulebecause I will obey:
An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
No sanctuary near but Love and YOU:
You can indeed each anxious Fear remove,
For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.]
EPILOGUE
The School For Scandal
ACT V 91
Page No 94
BY MR. COLMAN
SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE
I, who was late so volatile and gay,
Like a tradewind must now blow all one way,
Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,
To one dull rusty weathercockmy spouse!
So wills our virtuous bardthe motley Bayes
Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,
Learn from our play to regulate your lives:
Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her
London will prove the very source of honour.
Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,
When principles relax, to brace the nerves:
Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.
And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
Born with a genius for the highest life,
Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?
Save moneywhen I just knew how to waste it!
Leave Londonjust as I began to taste it!
Must I then watch the early crowing cock,
The melancholy ticking of a clock;
In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,
With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?
With humble curate can I now retire,
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,)
And at backgammon mortify my soul,
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?
Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire,
Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;
The transient hour of fashion too soon spent,
Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content!
Farewell the plumed head, the cushion'd tete,
That takes the cushion from its proper seat!
That spiritstirring drum!card drums I mean,
Spadilleodd trickpambastoking and queen!
And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat,
The welcome visitors' approach denote;
Farewell all quality of high renown,
Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town!
Farewell! your revels I partake no more,
And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er!
All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear,
I ought to play deep tragedy next year.
Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play,
And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:
"Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd,
The School For Scandal
ACT V 92
Page No 95
And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd!
No more in vice or error to engage,
Or play the fool at large on life's great stage."
(End of play)(End of play)(End of play)(End of play)(End of play)
(1) This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in
Fraser Rae's text.
(2) From Sheridan's manuscript.
(3) The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about
Miss Letitia Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:
SIR PETER. O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded
on some ridiculous misrepresentationMrs. Candour you remember
how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one
Summer at Tunbridge.
MRS. C. To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.
CRABTREE. Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.
SIR P. Why madam[The story follows.]
MRS. C. Ha ha strange indeed
SIR P. Matter of Fact I assure you....
LADY T. As sure as can beSir Peter will grow scandalous
himselfif you encourage him to tell stories.
[Fraser Rae's footnoteEd.]
(4) The words which follow this title are not inserted in the
manuscript of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote.Ed.]
(5) From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing.
[Fraser Rae's footnote.Ed.]
The School For Scandal
ACT V 93
Bookmarks
1. Table of Contents, page = 3
2. The School For Scandal, page = 4
3. Richard Brinsley Sheridan, page = 4
4. PROLOGUE, page = 8
5. ACT I, page = 9
6. ACT II, page = 22
7. ACT III, page = 35
8. ACT IV, page = 54
9. ACT V, page = 74