II ..............................................................................................................................................................6

III ...........................................................................................................................................................12

IV..........................................................................................................................................................18

ON the thirteenth of January of this present year, 1865, at half past twelve in the day, Elena Ivanovna, the

wife of my cultured friend Ivan Matveitch, who is a colleague in the same depart ment, and may be said to

be a distant relation of mine, too, expressed the desire to see the crocodile now on view at a fixed charge in

the Arcade. As Ivan Matveitch had already in his pocket his ticket for a tour abroad (not so much for the sake

of his health as for the improvement of his mind), and was consequently free from his official duties and had

nothing whatever to do that morning, he offered no objection to his wife's irresistible fancy, but was

"A capital idea!" he said, with the utmost satisfaction. "We'll have a look at the crocodile! On the eve of

visiting Europe it is as well to acquaint ourselves on the spot with its indigenous inhabitants." And with these

words, taking his wife's arm, he set off with her at once for the Arcade. I joined them, as I usually do, being

an intimate friend of the family. I have never seen Ivan Matveitch in a more agreeable frame of mind than he

was on that memorable morninghow true it is that we know not beforehand the fate that awaits us! On

entering the Arcade he was at once full of admiration for the splendours of the building and, when we

reached the shop in which the monster lately arrived in Petersburg was being exhibited, he volunteered to pay

the quarterrouble for me to the crocodile owner a thing which had never happened before. Walking into a

little room, we observed that besides the crocodile there were in it parrots of the species known as cockatoo,

and also a group of monkeys in a special case in a recess. Near the entrance, along the left wall stood a big tin

tank that looked like a bath covered with a thin iron grating, filled with water to the depth of two inches. In

this shallow pool was kept a huge crocodile, which lay like a log absolutely motionless and apparently

deprived of all its faculties by our damp climate, so inhospitable to foreign visitors. This monster at first

"So this is the crocodile!" said Elena Ivanovna, with a pathetic cadence of regret. "Why, I thought it was ...

Most probably she thought it was made of diamonds. The owner of the crocodile, a German, came out and

"He has a right to be," Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, "he knows he is the only man in Russia exhibiting a

This quite nonsensical observation I ascribe also to the extremely goodhumoured mood which had

overtaken Ivan Matveitch, who was on other occasions of rather envious dis position.

"I fancy your crocodile is not alive," said Elena Ivanovna, piqued by the irresponsive stolidity of the

proprietor, and addressing him with a charming smile in order to soften his churlishness a manoeuvre so

"Oh, no, madam," the latter replied in broken Russian; and instantly moving the grating half off the tank, he

Then the treacherous monster, to show that it was alive, faintly stirred its paws and tail, raised its snout and

"Come, don't be cross, Karlchen," said the German caress ingly, gratified in his vanity.

"How horrid that crocodile is! I am really frightened," Elena Ivanovna twittered, still more coquettishly. "I

"But he won't bite you if you do dream of him," the German retorted gallantly, and was the first to laugh at

"Come, Semyon Semyonitch," said Elena Ivanovna, address ing me exclusively, "let us go and look at the

monkeys. I am awfully fond of monkeys; they are such darlings . . . and the crocodile is horrid."

"Oh, don't be afraid, my dear!" Ivan Matveitch called after us, gallantly displaying his manly courage to his

wife. "This drowsy denison of the realms of the Pharaohs will do us no harm." And he remained by the tank.

What is more, he took his glove and began tickling the crocodile's nose with it, wish ing, as he said

afterwards, to induce him to snort. The pro prietor showed his politeness to a lady by following Elena

So everything was going well, and nothing could have been foreseen. Elena Ivanovna was quite skittish in her

raptures over the monkeys, and seemed completely taken up with them. With shrieks of delight she was

continually turning to me, as though determined not to notice the proprietor, and kept gush ing with laughter

at the resemblance she detected between these monkeys and her intimate friends and acquaintances. I, too,

was amused, for the resemblance was unmistakable. The German did not know whether to laugh or not, and

so at last was reduced to frowning. And it was at that moment that a terrible, I may say unnatural, scream set

the room vibrating. Not knowing what to think, for the first moment I stood still, numb with horror, but,

noticing that Elena Ivanovna was screaming too, I quickly turned round and what did I behold! I saw oh,

heavens! I saw the luckless Ivan Matveitch in the terrible jaws of the crocodile, held by them round the

waist, lifted horizontally in the air and desperately kicking. Then one moment, and no trace remained of

him. But I must describe it in detail, for I stood all the while motionless, and had time to watch the whole

process taking place before me with an attention and interest such as I never remember to have felt before.

"What," I thought at that critical moment, "what if all that had happened to me instead of to Ivan Matveitch

But to return to my story. The crocodile began by turning the unhappy Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws so

that he could swallow his legs first; then bringing up Ivan Matveitch, who kept trying to jump out and

clutching at the sides of the tank, sucked him down again as far as his waist. Then bringing him up again,

gulped him down, and so again and again. In this way Ivan Matveitch was visibly disappearing before our

eyes. At last, with a final gulp, the crocodile swallowed my cultured friend entirely, this time leaving no trace

of him. From the outside of the crocodile we could see the protuberances of Ivan Matveitch's figure as he

passed down the inside of the monster. I was on the point of screaming again when destiny played another

treacherous trick upon us. The crocodile made a tremendous effort, probably oppressed by the magnitude of

the object he had swallowed, once more opened his terrible jaws, and with a final hiccup he suddenly let the

head of Ivan Matveitch pop out for a second, with an expression of despair on his face. In that brief instant

the spectacles dropped off his nose to the bottom of the tank. It seemed as though that despairing countenance

had only popped out to cast one last look on the objects around it, to take its last farewell of all earthly

pleasures. But it had not time to carry out its intention; the crocodile made another efrort, gave a gulp and

instantly it vanished again this time for ever. This appearance and dis appearance of a still living human

head was so horrible, but all the same either from its rapidity and unexpectedness or from the dropping of

the spectacles there was something so comic about it that I suddenly quite unexpectedly exploded with

laughter. But pulling myself together and realising that to laugh at such a moment was not the thing for an old

family friend, I turned at once to Elena Ivanovna and said with a sympathetic air:

I cannot even attempt to describe how violent was the agitation of Elena Ivanovna during the whole process.

After the first scream she seemed rooted to the spot, and stared at the catastrophe with apparent indifference,

though her eyes looked as though they were starting out of her head; thcn she suddenly went off into a

heartrending wail, but I seized her hands. At this instant the proprietor, too, who had at first been also

A door at the rear of the room opened at this cry, and the Mutter, a rosycheeked, elderly but dishevelled

A perfect Bedlam followed. Elena Ivanovna kept shrieking out the same phrase, as though in a frenzy, "Flay

him! flay him!" apparently entreating them probably in a moment of oblivion to flay somebody for

something. The proprietor and Mutter took no notice whatever of either of us; they were both bellowing like

"He did for himself! He will burst himself at once, for he did swallow a ganz official!" cried the proprietor.

"Flay him! flay him! flay him!" clamoured Elena Ivanovna, clutching at the German's coat.

"He did tease the crocodile. For what did your man tease the crocodile?" cried the German, pulling away

from her. "You will, if Karlchen wird burst, therefore pay, das war mein Sohn, das war mein einziger Sohn."

I must own I was intensely indignant at the sight of such egoism in the German and the coldheartedness of

his dis hevelled Mutter; at the same time Elena Ivanovna's reiterated shriek of "Flay him! flay him!"

troubled me even more and absorbed at last my whole attention, positively alarming me. I may as well say

straight of that I entirely misunderstood this strange exclamation: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna had for

the moment taken leave of her senses, but nevertheless wishing to avenge the loss of her beloved Ivan

Matveitch, was demanding by way of compensation that the crocodile should be severely thrashed, while she

was meaning something quite different. Looking round at the door, not without embrarass ment, I began to

entreat Elena Ivanovna to calm herself, and above all not to use the shocking word 'flay'. For such a

reactionary desire here, in the midst of the Arcade and of the most cultured society, not two paces from the

hall where at this very minute Mr. Lavrov was perhaps delivering a public lecture, was not only impossible

but unthinkable, and might at any moment bring upon us the hisses of culture and the caricatures of Mr.

Stepanov. To my horror I was immediately proved to be correct in my alarmed suspicions: the curtain that

divided the crocodile room from the little entry where the quarterroubles were taken suddenly parted, and in

the open ing there appeared a figure with moustaches and beard, carryin a cap, with the upper part of its

body bent a long way forward, though the feet were scrupulously held beyond the threshold of the crocodile

"Such a reactionary desire, madam," said the stranger, trying to avoid falling over in our direction and to

remain standing outside the room, "does no credit to your development, and is conditioned by lack of

phosphorus in your brain. You will be promptly held up to shame in the Chronicle of Progress and in our

But he could not complete his remarks; the proprietor coming to himself, and seeing with horror that a man

was talking in the crocodile room without having paid entrance money, rushed furiously at the progressive

stranger and turned him out with a punch from each fist. For a moment both vanished from our sight behind a

curtain, and only then I grasped that the whole uproar was about nothing. Elena Ivanovna turned out quite

innocent; she had, as I have mentioned already, no idea whatever of subjecting the crocodile to a degrading

corporal punishment, and had simply expressed the desire that he should be opened and her husband released

"What! You wish that my crocodile be perished!" the proprietor yelled, running in again. "No! let your hus

band be perished first, before my crocodile! . . . Mein Vater showed crocodile, mein Grossvater showed

crocodile, mein Sohn will show crocodile, and I will show crocodile! All will show crocodile! I am known to

ganz Europa, and you are not known to ganz Europa, and you must pay me a Strafe!"

"Ja, ja," put in the vindictive German woman, "we shall not let you go, Strafe, since Karlchen is burst!"

"And, indeed, it's useless to flay the creature," I added calmly, anxious to get Elena Ivanovna away home as

quickly as possible, "as our dear Ivan Matveitch is by now probably soaring somewhere in the empyrean."

"My dear" we suddenly heard, to our intense amazement, the voice of Ivan Matveitch "my dear, my

advice is to apply direct to the superintendent's office, as without the assistance of the police the German will

These words, uttered with firmness and aplomb, and express ing an exceptional presence of mind, for the

first minute so astounded us that we could not believe our ears. But, of course, we ran at once to the

crocodile's tank, and with equal reverence and incredulity listened to the unhappy captive. His voice was

muffled, thin and even squeaky, as though it came from a con siderable distance. It reminded one of a

jocose person who, covering his mouth with a pillow, shouts from an adjoining room, trying to mimic the

sound of two peasants calling to one another in a deserted plain or across a wide ravine a per formance to

"Alive and well," answered Ivan Matveitch, "and, thanks to the Almighty, swallowed without any damage

whatever. I am only uneasy as to the view my superiors may take of the incident; for after getting a permit to

"But, my dear, don't trouble your head about being clever; first of all we must somehow excavate you from

"Excavate!" cried the proprietor. "I will not let my crocodile be excavated. Now the Publicum will come

"They are right," Ivan Matveitch observed tranquilly; "the principles of economics before everything."

"My dear! I will fly at once to the authorities and lodge a complaint, for I feel that we cannot settle this mess

"I think so too." observed Ivan Matveitch; "but in our age of industrial crisis it is not easy to rip open the

belly of a crocodile without economic compensation, and meanwhile the inevitable question presents itself:

What will the German take for his crocodile? And with it another: How will it be paid? For, as you know, I

"Perhaps out of your salary . . ." I observed timidly, but the proprietor interrupted me at once.

"I will not the crocodile sell; I will for three thousand the crocodile sell! I will for four thousand the crocodile

sell! Now the Publicum will come very many. I will for five thousand the crocodile sell!"

In fact he gave himself insufferable airs. Covetousness and a revolting greed gleamed joyfully in his eyes.

"And I! I too! I shall go to Andrey Osipitch himself. I will soften him with my tears," whined Elena

"Don't do that, my dear," Ivan Matveitch hastened to interpose. He had long been jealous of Andrey Osipitch

on his wife's account, and he knew she would enjoy going to weep before a gentleman of refinement, for

tears suited her. "And I don't advise you to do so either, my friend," he added, addressing me. "It's no good

plunging headlong in that slap dash way; there's no knowing what it may lead to. You had much better go

today to Timofey Semyonitch, as though to pay an ordinary visit; he is an oldfashioned and by no means

brilliant man, but he is trustworthy, and what matters most of all, he is straightforward. Give him my

greetings and describe the circumstances of the case. And since I owe him seven roubles over our last game

of cards, take the opportunity to pay him the money; that will soften the stern old man. In any case his advice

may serve as a guide for us. And meanwhile take Elena Ivanovna home.... Calm yourself, my dear," he

continued, addressing her. "I am weary of these outcries and feminine squabblings, and should like a nap. It's

soft and warm in here, though I have hardly had time to look round in this unexpected haven."

"Look round! Why, is it light in there?" cried Elena Ivanovna in a tone of relief.

"I am surrounded by impenetrable night," answered the poor captive, "but I can feel and, so to speak, have a

look round with my hands.... Goodbye; set your mind at rest and don't deny yourself recreation and

diversion. Till tomorrow! And you, Semyon Semyonitch, come to me in the evening, and as you are

I confess I was glad to get away, for I was overtired and somewhat bored. Hastening to offer my arm to the

discon solate Elena Ivanovna, whose charms were only enhanced by her agitation, I hurriedly led her out of

"The charge will be another quarterrouble in the evening," the proprietor called after us.

"Oh, dear, how greedy they are!" said Elena Ivanovna, looking at herself in every mirror on the walls of the

"The principles of economics," I answered with some emotion, proud that passersby should see the lady on

"The principles of economics," she drawled in a touching little voice. "I did not in the least understand what

"I will explain to you," I answered, and began at once telling her of the beneficial effects of the introduction

of foreign capital into our country, upon which I had read an article in the Petersburg News and the Voice

"How strange it is," she interrupted, after listening for some time. "But do leave off, you horrid man. What

"You look perfect, and not purple!" I observed, seizing the opportunity to pay her a compliment.

"Naughty man!" she said complacently. "Poor Ivan Mat veitch," she added a minute later, putting her little

head on one side coquettiswy. "I am really sorry for him. Oh, dear!" she cried suddenly, "how is he going to

have his dinner . . . and ... and ... what will he do ... if he wants anything?"

"An unforeseen question," I answered, perplexed in my turn. To tell the truth, it had not entered my head, so

much more practical are women than we men in the solution of the problems of daily life!

"Poor dear! how could he have got into such a mess . . . nothing to amuse him, and in the dark How vexing it

is that I have no photograph of him. And so now I am a sort of widow," she added, with a seductive smile,

It was, in short, the expression of the very natural and in telligible grief of a young and interesting wife for

the loss of her husband. I took her home at last, soothed her, and after dining with her and drinking a cup of

aromatic coffee, set off at six o'clock to Timofey Semyonitch, calculating that at that hour all married people

Having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to the incident recorded, I intended to proceed in a

language more natural though less elevated, and I beg to forewarn the reader of the fact.

THE venerable Timofey Semyonitch met me rather nervously, as though somewhat embarrassed. He led me

to his tiny study and shut the door carefully, "that the children may not hinder us," he added with evident

uneasiness. There he made me sit down on a chair by the writingtable, sat down himself in an easy chair,

wrapped round him the skirts of his old wadded dressinggown, and assumed an official and even severe air,

in readiness for anything, though he was not my chief nor Ivan Matveitch's, and had hitherto been reckoned

"First of all," he said, "take note that I am not a person in authority, but just such a subordinate official as you

and Ivan Matveitch.... I have nothing to do with it, and do not intend to mix myself up in the affair."

I was surprised to find that he apparently knew all about it already. In spite of that I told him the whole story

over in detail. I spoke with positive excitement, for I was at that moment fulfilling the obligations of a true

friend. He listened without special surprise, but with evident signs of suspicion.

"Only fancy," he said, "I always believed that this would be sure to happen to him."

"I admit it. But Ivan Matveitch's whole career in the service was leading up to this end. He was

flightyconceited indeed. It was always 'progress' and ideas of all sorts, and this is what progress brings

"But this is a most unusual incident and cannot possibly serve as a general rule for all progressives."

"Yes, indeed it can. You see, it's the effect of overeducation, I assure you. For overeducation leads people

to poke their noses into all sorts of places, especially where they are not invited. Though perhaps you know

best," he added, as though offended. "I am an old man and not of much education. I began as a soldier's son,

"Oh, no, Timofey Semyonitch, not at all. On the contrary, Ivan Matveitch is eager for your advice; he is eager

"So to say, with tears! Hm! Those are crocodile's tears and one cannot quite believe in them. Tell me, what

possessed him to want to go abroad? And how could he afford to go? Why, he has no private means!"

"He had saved the money from his last bonus," I answered plaintively. "He only wanted to go for three

"He wanted to meet the spring at Naples, to see the museums, the customs, the animals . . ."

"Hm! The animals! I think it was simply from pride. What animals? Animals, indeed! Haven't we animals

enough? We have museums, menageries, camels. There are bears quite close to petersburg! And here he's got

"Oh, come, Timofey Semyonitch! The man is in trouble, the man appeals to you as to a friend, as to an older

relation, craves for advice and you reproach him. Have pity at least on the unfortunate Elena Ivanovna!"

"You are speaking of his wife? A charming little lady," said Timofey Semyonitch, visibly softening and

taking a pinch of snuff with relish. "Particularly prepossessing. And so plump, and always putting her pretty

little head on one side. ... Very agreeable. Andrey Osipitch was speaking of her only the other day."

"Yes, and in very flattering terms. Such a bust, he said, such eyes, such hair . . . .A sugarplum, he said, not a

lady and then he laughed. He is still a young man, of course," Timofey Semyonitch blew his nose with a

loud noise. "And yet, young though he is, what a career he is making for himself."

"Give advice, guidance, as a man of experience, a relative! What are we to do? What steps are we to take? Go

"To the authorities? Certainly not." Timofey Semyonitch replied hurriedly. "If you ask my advice, you had

better, above all, hush the matter up and act, so to speak, as a private person. It is a suspicious incident, quite

unheard of. Unheard of, above all; there is no precedent for it, and it is far from creditable. . . . And so

discretion above all. . . . Let him lie there a bit. We must wait and see .... "

"Why should he be? I think you told me that he made him self fairly comfortable there?"

"Hm!" he said, twisting his snuffbox in his hands. "To my mind it's really a good thing he should lie there a

bit, instead of going abroad. Let him reflect at his leisure. Of course he mustn't be stifled, and so he must take

measures to preserve his health, avoiding a cough, for instance, and so on.... And as for the German, it's my

personal opinion he is within his rights, and even more so than the other side, because it was the other party

who got into his crocodile without asking permission, and not he who got into Ivan Matveitch's crocodile

without asking permission, though, so far as I recollect, the latter has no crocodile. And a crocodile is private

"Ivan Matveitch needed? Haha! Besides, he is on leave, so that we may ignore him let him inspect the

countries of Europe! It will be a different matter if he doesn't turn up when his leave is over. Then we shall

"It's his own fault. Nobody thrust him there. At this rate we should have to get a nurse to look after him at

government expense, and that is not allowed for in the regulations. But the chief point is that the crocodile is

private property, so that the principles of economics apply in this question. And the principles of economics

are paramount. Only the other even ing, at Luke Andreitch's, Ignaty Prokofyitch was saying so. Do you

know Ignaty Prokofyitch? A capitalist, in a big way of business, and he speaks so fluently. 'We need

industrial development,' he said; 'there is very little development among us. We must create it. We must

create capital, so we must create a middleclass, the socalled bourgeoisie. And as we haven't capital we

must attract it from abroad. We must, in the first place, give facilities to foreign companies to buy up lands in

Russia as is done now abroad. The communal holding of land is poison, is ruin.' And, you know, he spoke

with such heat; well, that's all right for him a wealthy man, and not in the service. 'With the communal

system,' he said, 'there will be no improvement in industrial development or agriculture. Foreign companies,'

he said, 'must as far as possible buy up the whole of our land in big lots, and then split it up, split it up, split it

up, in the smallest parts possible' and do you know he pronounced the words 'split it up' with such

determination 'and then sell it as private property. Or rather, not sell it, but simply let it. When,' he said, 'all

the land is in the hands of foreign companies they can fix any rent they like. And so the peasant will work

three times as much for his daily bread and he can be turned out at pleasure. So that he will feel it, will be

submissive and industrious, and will work three times as much for the same wages. But as it is, with the

commune, what does he care? He knows he won't die of hunger, so he is lazy and drunken. And meanwhile

money will be attracted into Russia, capital will be created and the bourgeoisie will spring up. The English

political and literary paper, The Times, in an article the other day on our finances stated that the reason our

financial position was so unsatisfactory was that we had no middleclass, no big fortunes, no accommodating

proletariat.' Ignaty Prokofyitch speaks well. He is an orator. He wants to lay a report on the subject before the

authorities, and then to get it published in the News. That's something very different from verses like Ivan

Timofey Semyonitch was sometimes fond of talking and showing that he was not behind the times, but knew

"How about Ivan Matveitch? Why, I am coming to that. Here we are, anxious to bring foreign capital into the

country and only consider: as soon as the capital of a foreigner, who has been attracted to Petersburg, has

been doubled through Ivan Matvcitch, instead of protecting the foreign capitalist, we are proposing to rip

open the belly of his original capital the crocodile. Is it consistent? To my mind, Ivan Matveitch, as the true

son of his fatherland, ought to rejoice and to be proud that through him the value of a foreign crocodile has

been doubled and possibly even trebled. That's just what is wanted to attract capital. If one man succeeds,

mind you, another will come with a crocodile, and a third will bring two or three of them at once, and capital

"Upon my word, Timofey Semyonitch!" I cried, "you are demanding almost supernatural selfsacrifice from

"I demand nothing, and I beg you, before everything as I have said already to remember that I am not a

person in authority and so cannot demand anything of anyone. I am speaking as a son of the fatherland, that

is, not as the Son of the Fatherland, but as a son of the fatherland. Again, what possessed him to get into the

crocodile? A respectable man, a man of good grade in the service, lawfully married and then to behave like

"No, it wouldn't, Timofey Semyonitch," I answered sadly. "The proprietor was at first alarmed that the

crocodile would burst, but as soon as he was sure that it was all right, he began to bluster and was delighted

"Treble and quadruple perhaps! The public will simply stampede the place now, and crocodile owners are

smart people. Besides, it's not Lent yet, and people are keen on diversions, and so I say again, the great thing

is that Ivan Matveitch should preserve his incognito, don't let him be in a hurry. Let everybody know,

perhaps, that he is in the crocodile, but don't let them be officially informed of it. Ivan Matveitch is in

particularly favourable circumstances for that, for he is reckoned to be abroad. It will be said he is in the

crocodile, and we will refuse to believe it. That is how it can be managed. The great thing is that he should

"Well, I won't conceal from you that the case is exceptional in the highest degree. One doesn't know what to

think of it, and the worst of it is there is no precedent. If we had a precedent we might have something to go

by. But as it is, what is one to say? It will certainly take time to settle it."

"Cannot we arrange," I said, "that, if he is destined to remain in the entrails of the monster and it is the will of

Providence that he should remain alive, he should send in a petition to be reckoned as still serving?"

"Why, into the entrails, the entrails of the crocodile. . . . So to speak, for exploration, for investigation of the

facts on the spot. It would, of course, be a novelty, but that is pro gressive and would at the same time show

"To send a special official," he said at last, "to the inside of a crocodile to conduct a special inquiry is, in my

personal opinion, an absurdity. It is not in the regulations. And what sort of special inquiry could there be

"The scientific study of nature on the spot, in the living subject. The natural sciences are all the fashion

nowadays, botany. . . . He could live there and report his observations. ... For instance, concerning digestion

"You mean as statistics. Well, I am no great authority on that subject, indeed I am no philosopher at all. You

say 'facts'we are overwhelmed with facts as it is, and don't know what to do with them. Besides, statistics

"They are a danger. Moreover, you will admit he will report facts, so to speak, lying like a log. And, can one

do one's official duties lying like a log? That would be another novelty and a dangerous one; and again, there

is no precedent for it. If we had any sort of precedent for it, then, to my thinking, he might have been given

"Hm ... yes," he reflected again. "Your objection is a just one, if you like, and might indeed serve as a ground

for carry ing the matter further; but consider again, that if with the arrival of living crocodiles government

clerks begin to dis appear, and then on the ground that they are warm and com fortable there, expect to

receive the official sanction for their position, and then take their ease there ... you must admit it would be a

bad example. We should have everyone trying to go the same way to get a salary for nothing."

"Do your best for him, Timofey Semyonitch. By the way, Ivan Matveitch asked me to give you seven roubles

"Ah, he lost that the other day at Nikifor Nikiforitch's. I remember. And how gay and amusing he was and

"I will do my best. I will speak in my own name, as a private person, as though I were asking for information.

And meanwhile, you find out indirectly, unofficially, how much would the proprietor consent to take for his

"I will. I thought of doing so before; it's a good oppor tunity.... And what on earth possessed him to go and

"I will. Of course, I don't want to raise his hopes by doing so. I shall go as a private person.... Well,

I said goodbye to the old man. Ideas of all kinds were straying through my mind. A goodnatured and most

honest man, Timofey Semyonitch, yet, as I left him, I felt pleased at the thought that he had celebrated his

fiftieth year of service, and that Timofey Semyonitchs are now a rarity among us. I flew at once, of course, to

the Arcade to tell poor Ivan Matveitch all the news. And, indeed, I was moved by curiosity to know how he

was getting on in the crocodile and how it was possible to live in a crocodile. And, indeed, was it possible to

live in a crocodile at all? At times it really seemed to me as though it were all an outlandish, monstrous

AND yet it was not a dream, but actual, indubitable fact. Should I be telling the story if it were not? But to

It was late, about nine o'clock, before I reached the Arcade, and I had to go into the crocodile room by the

back entrance, for the German had closed the shop earlier than usual that evening. Now in the seclusion of

domesticity he was walking about in a greasy old frockcoat, but he seemed three times as pleased as he had

been in the morning. It was evidently that he had no apprehensions now, and that the public had been coming

"many more". The Mutter came out later, evidently to keep an eye on me. The German and the Mutter

frequently whispered together. Although the shop was closed he charged me a quarterrouble. What

"You will every time pay; the public will one rouble, and you one quarter pay; for you are the good friend of

"Are you alive, are you alive, my cultured friend?" I cried, as I approached the crocodile, expecting my words

"Alive and well," he answered, as though from a long way off or from under the bed, though I was standing

close beside him. "Alive and well; but of that later. . . . How are things going?"

As though purposely not hearing the question, I was just beginning with sympathetic haste to question him

how he was, what it was like in the crocodile, and what, in fact, there was inside a crocodile. Both friendship

and common civility demanded this. But with capricious annoyance he interrupted me.

"How are things going?" he shouted, in a shrill and on this occasion particularly revolting voice, addressing

I described to him my whole conversation with Timofey Semyonitch down to the smallest detail. As I told

"The old man is right," Ivan Matveitch pronounced as abruptly as usual in his conversation with me. "I like

practical people, and can't endure sentimental milksops. I am ready to admit, however, that your idea about

a special commission is not altogether absurd. I certainly have a great deal to report, both from a scientific

and from an ethical point of view. But now all this has taken a new and unexpected aspect, and it is not worth

Resentfully I took a chair and put it down on the floor with a bang, in my anger.

"Listen," he began dictatorially. "The public came today in masses. There was no room left in the evening,

and the police came in to keep order. At eight o'clock, that is, earlier than usual, the proprietor thought it

necessary to close the shop and end the exhibition to count the money he had taken and prepare for

tomorrow more conveniently. So I know there will be a regular fair tomorrow. So we may assume that all

the most cultivated people in the capital, the ladies of the best society, the foreign ambassadors, the leading

lawyers and so on, will all be present. What's more, people will be flowing here from the remotest provinces

of our vast and interesting empire. The upshot of it is that I am the cynosure of all eyes, and though hidden to

sight, I am eminent. I shall teach the idle crowd. Taught by experience, I shall be an example of great ness

and resignation to fate! I shall be, so to say, a pulpit from which to instruct mankind. The mere biological

details I can furnish about the monster I am inhabiting are of priceless value. And so, far from repining at

What irritated me more than anything was the extreme pomposity of his language. Nevertheless, it all rather

discon certed me. "What on earth, what, can this frivolous block head find to be so cocky about?" I

"No!" he answered my observation sharply, "for I am full of great ideas, only now can I at leisure ponder

over the ameliora tion of the lot of humanity. Truth and light will come forth now from the crocodile. I shall

certainly develop a new economic theory of my own and I shall be proud of it which I have hitherto been

prevented from doing by my official duties and by trivial distractions. I shall refute everything and be a new

"Yes, out of my own pocket," I answered, trying to em phasise that fact in my voice.

"We will settle it," he answered superciliously. "I con fidently expect my salary to be raised, for who should

There was no help for it! Meekly, though gnashing my teeth, I told him how I had left Elena Ivanovna. He

"I have special plans in regard to her," he began impatiently. "If I am celebrated here, I wish her to be

celebrated there. Savants, poets, philosophers, foreign mineralogists, statesmen, after conversing in the

morning with me, will visit her salon in the evening. From next week onwards she must have an 'At Home'

every evening. With my salary doubled, we shall have the means for entertaining, and as the entertainment

must not go beyond tea and hired footmen that's settled. Both here and there they will talk of me. I have

long thirsted for an opportunity for being talked about, but could not attain it, fettered by my humble position

and low grade in the service. And now all this has been attained by a simple gulp on the part of the crocodile.

Every word of mine will be listened to, every utterance will be thought over, repeated, printed. And I'll teach

them what I am worth! They shall understand at last what abilities they have allowed to vanish in the entrails

of a monster. 'This man might have been Foreign Minister or might have ruled a kingdom,' some will say.

'And that man did not rule a kingdom,' others will say. In what way am I inferior to a GarnierPagesishky or

whatever they are called? My wife must be a worthy second I have brains, she has beauty and charm. 'She

is beautiful, and that is why she is his wife,' some will say. 'She is beautiful because she is his wife,' others

will amend. To be ready for anything let Elena Ivanovna buy tomorrow the Encyclopedia edited by Andrey

Kraevsky, that she may be able to converse on any topic. Above all, let her be sure to read the political leader

in the Petersburg News, comparing it every day with the Voice. I imagine that the proprietor will consent to

take me sometimes with the crocodile to my wife's brilliant salon. I will be in a tank in the middle of the

magnificent drawingroom, and I will scintillate with witticisms which I will prepare in the morning. To the

statesman I will impart my projects; to the poet I will speak in rhyme; with the ladies I can be amusing and

charming without impropriety, since I shall be no danger to their husbands' peace of mind. To all the rest I

shall serve as a pattern of resignation to fate and the will of Providence. I shall make my wife a brilliant

literary lady; I shall bring her forward and explain her to the public; as my wife she must be full of the most

striking virtues; and if they are right in calling Andrey Alexandrovitch our Russian Alfred de Musset, they

I must confess that, although this wild nonsense was rather in Ivan Matveitch's habitual style, it did occur to

me that he was in a fever and delirious. It was the same, everyday Ivan Matveitch, but magnified twenty

"My friend," I asked him, "are you hoping for a long life? Tell me, in fact, are you well? How do you eat,

how do you sleep, how do you breathe? I am your friend, and you must admit that the incident is most

"Idle curiosity and nothing else," he pronounced senten tiously, "but you shall be satisfied. You ask how I

am manag ing in the entrails of the monster? To begin with, the crocodile, to my amusement, turns out to be

perfectly empty. His inside consists of a sort of huge empty sack made of guttapercha, like the elastic goods

sold in the Gorohovy Street, in the Mor skaya, and, if I am not mistaken, in the Voznesensky Prospect.

"Is it possible?" I cried, in a surprise that may well be understood. "Can the crocodile be perfectly empty?"

"Perfectly," Ivan Matveitch maintained sternly and im pressively. "And in all probability, it is so

constructed by the laws of Nature. The crocodile possesses nothing but jaws furnished with sharp teeth, and

besides the jaws, a tail of con siderable length that is all, properly speaking. The middle part between

these two extremities is an empty space enclosed by something of the nature of guttapercha, probably really

"But the ribs, the stomach, the intestines, the liver, the heart?" I interrupted quite angrily.

"There is nothing, absolutely nothing of all that, and prob ably there never has been. All that is the idle

fancy of frivolous travellers. As one inflates an aircushion, I am now with my person inflating the crocodile.

He is incredibly elastic. Indeed, you might, as the friend of the family, get in with me if you were generous

and selfsacrificing enough and even with you here there would be room to spare. I even think that in the

last resort I might send for Elena Ivanovna. However, this void, hollow formation of the crocodile is quite in

keeping with the teachings of natural science. If, for instance, one had to construct a new crocodile, the

question would naturally present itself. What is the fundamental characteristic of the crocodile? The answer is

clear: to swallow human beings. How is one, in constructing the crocodile, to secure that he should swallow

people? The answer is clearer still: construct him hollow. It was settled by physics long ago that Nature

abhors a vacuum. Hence the inside of the crocodile must be hollow so that it may abhor the vacuum, and

consequently swallow and so fill itself with anything it can come across. And that is the sole rational cause

why every crocodile swallows men. It is not the same in the constitution of man: the emptier a man's head is,

for instance, the less he feels the thirst to fill it, and that is the one exception to the general rule. It is all as

clear as day to me now. I have deduced it by my own observation and experience, being, so to say, in the very

bowels of Nature, in its retort, listening to the throbbing of its pulse. Even etymology sup ports me, for the

very word crocodile means voracity. Crocodile crocodillo is evidently an Italian word, dating perhaps from

the Egyptian Pharaohs, and evidently derived from the French verb croquer, which means to eat, to devour, in

general to absorb nourishment. All these remarks I intend to deliver as my first lecture in Elena Ivanovna's

"My friend, oughtn't you at least to take some purgative?" I cried involuntarily.

"Nonsense!" he answered contemptuously. "Besides, in my present position it would be most inconvenient. I

"No, but I am not hungry, and most likely I shall never take food again. And that, too, is quite natural; filling

the whole interior of the crocodile I make him feel always full. Now he need not be fed for some years. On

the other hand, nourished by me, he will naturally impart to me all the vital juices of his body; it is the same

as with some accomplished coquettes who embed themselves and their whole persons for the night in raw

steak, and then, after their morning bath, are fresh, supple, buxom and fascinating. In that way nourishing the

crocodile, I myself obtain nourishment from him, consequently we mutually nourish one another. But as it is

difficult even for a crocodile to digest a man like me, he must, no doubt, be conscious of a certain weight in

his stomach an organ which he does not, however, possess and that is why, to avoid causing the creature

suffering, I do not often turn over, and although I could turn over I do not do so from humanitarian motives.

This is the one drawback of my present position, and in an allegorical sense Timofey Semyonitch was right in

saying I was lying like a log. But I will prove that even lying like a log nay, that only lying like a log one

can revolutionise the lot of mankind. All the great ideas and movements of our newspapers and magazines

have evidently been the work of men who were lying like logs; that is why they call them divorced from the

realities of life but what does it matter, their saying that! I am constructing now a complete system of my

own, and you wouldn't believe how easy it is! You have only to creep into a secluded corner or into a

crocodile, to shut your eyes, and you immediately devise a perfect millennium for mankind. When you went

away this afternoon I set to work at once and have already invented three systems, now I am preparing the

fourth. It is true that at first one must refute everything that has gone before, but from the crocodile it is so

easy to refute it; besides, it all becomes clearer, seen from the inside of the crocodile.... There are some

drawbacks, though small ones, in my position, however; it is somewhat damp here and covered with a sort of

slime; moreover, there is rather a smell of indiarubber exactly like the smell of my old goloshes. That is all,

"Ivan Matveitch," I interrupted, "all this is a miracle in which I can scarcely believe. And can you, can you

"What trivial nonsense you are troubling about, you thought less, frivolous creature! I talk to you about

great ideas, and you . . . Understand that I am sufficiently nourished by the great ideas which light up the

darkness in which I am enveloped. The goodnatured proprietor has, however, after consulting the kindly

Mutter, decided with her that they will every morning insert into the monster's jaws a bent metal tube,

something like a whistle pipe, by means of which I can absorb coffee or broth with bread soaked in it. The

pipe has already been bespoken in the neighbourhood, but I think this is superfluous luxury. I hope to live at

least a thousand years, if it is true that crocodiles live so long, which, by the way good thing I thought of it

you had better look up in some natural history tomorrow and tell me, for I may have been mistaken and

have mixed it up with some excavated monster. There is only one reflection rather troubles me: as I am

dressed in cloth and have boots on, the crocodile can obviously not digest me. Besides, I am alive, and so am

opposing the process of digestion with my whole will power; for you can understand that I do not wish to be

turned into what all nourishment turns into, for that would be too humiliating for me. But there is one thing I

am afraid of: in a thousand years the cloth of my coat, unfortunately of Russian make, may decay, and then,

left without clothing, I might perhaps, in spite of my indignation, begin to be digested; and though by day

nothing would induce me to allow it, at night, in my sleep, when a man's will deserts him, I may be overtaken

by the humiliating destiny of a potato, a pancake, or veal. Such an idea reduces me to fury. This alone is an

argument for the revision of the tariff and the encouragement of the importa tion of English cloth, which is

stronger and so will withstand Nature longer when one is swallowed by a crocodile. At the first opportunity I

will impart this idea to some statesman and at the same time to the political writers on our Petersburg dailies.

Let them publish it abroad. I trust this will not be the only idea they will borrow from me. I foresee that every

morning a regular crowd of them, provided with quarterroubles from the editorial office, will be flocking

round me to seize my ideas on the telegrams of the previous day. In brief, the future presents itself to me in

"My friend, and freedom?" I asked, wishing to learn his views thoroughly. "You are, so to speak, in prison,

"You are a fool," he answered. "Savages love independence, wise men love order; and if there is no order .

"Hold your tongue and listen!" he squealed, vexed at my interrupting him. "Never has my spirit soared as

now. In my narrow refuge there is only one thing that I dreadthe literary criticisms of the monthlies and the

lliss of our satirical papers. I am afraid that thoughtless visitors, stupid and envious people and nihilists in

general, may turn me into ridicule. But I will take measures. I am impatiently awaiting the response of the

public tomorrow, and especially the opinion of the newspapers. You must tell me about the papers

"Tomorrow it is too soon to expect reports in the news papers, for it will take four days for it to be

advertised. But from today come to me every evening by the back way through the yard. I am intending to

employ you as my secretary. You shall read the newspapers and magazines to me, and I will dictate to you

my ideas and give you commissions. Be par ticularly careful not to forget the foreign telegrams. Let all the

European telegrams be here every day. But enough; most likely you are sleepy by now. Go home, and do not

think of what I said just now about criticisms: I am not afraid of it, for the critics themselves are in a critical

position. One has only to be wise and virtuous and one will certainly get on to a pedestal. If not Socrates, then

Diogenes, or perhaps both of them togetherthat is my future role among mankind."

So frivolously and boastfully did Ivan Matveitch hasten to express himself before me, like feverish

weakwilled women who, as we are told by the proverb, cannot keep a secret. All that he told me about the

crocodile struck me as most sus picious. How was it possible that the crocodile was absolutely hollow? I

don't mind betting that he was bragging from vanity and partly to humiliate me. It is true that he was an

invalid and one must make allowances for invalids; but I must frankly confess, I never could endure Ivan

Matveitch. I have been trying all my life, from a child up, to escape from his tutelage and have not been able

to! A thousand times over I have been tempted to break with him altogether, and every time I have been

drawn to him again, as though I were still hoping to prove something to him or to revenge myself on him. A

strange thing, this friendship! I can positively assert that ninetenths of my friendship for him was made up

"Your friend a very clever man!" the German said to me in an undertone as he moved to see me out; he had

"Apropos," I said, "while I think of it: how much would you ask for your crocodile in case anyone wanted to

Ivan Matveitch, who heard the question, was waiting with curiosity for the answer; it was evident that he did

not want the German to ask too little; anyway, he cleared his throat in a peculiar way on hearing my question.

"No one will dare my own crocodile to buy!" he cried furiously, and turned as red as a boiled lobster. "Me not

want to sell the crocodile! I would not for the crocodile a million thalers take. I took a hundred and thirty

thalers from the public today, and I shall tomorrow ten thousand take, and then a hundred thousand every

Ivan Matveitch positively chuckled with satisfaction. Con trolling myself for I felt it was a duty to my

friend I hinted coolly and reasonably to the crazy German that his calculations were not quite correct, that if

he makes a hundred thousand every day, all Petersburg will have visited him in four days, and then there will

be no one left to bring him roubles, that life and death are in God's hands, that the crocodile may burst or Ivan

"I will him drops from the chemist's get," he said, after pondering, "and will save your friend that he die not."

"Drops are all very well," I answered, "but consider, too, that the thing may get into the law courts. Ivan

Matveitch's wife may demand the restitution of her lawful spouse. You are intending to get rich, but do you

"And so would it not be better for you to accept something now, at once, a secure and solid though moderate

sum, than to leave things to chance? I ought to tell you that I am inquiring simply from curiosity."

The German drew the Mutter aside to consult with her in a corner where there stood a case with the largest

As for me, I was at that moment burning with the desire, first, to give the German a thrashing, next, to give

the Mutter an even sounder one, and, thirdly, to give Ivan Matveitch the soundest thrashing of all for his

After consultation with the Mutter he demanded for his crocodile fifty thousand roubles in bonds of the last

Russian loan with lottery voucher attached, a brick house in Gorohovy Street with a chemist's shop attached,

"You see!" Ivan Matveitch cried triumphantly. "I told you so! Apart from this last senseless desire for the

rank of a colonel, he is perfectly right, for he fully understands the present value of the monster he is

"Upon my word!" I cried furiously to the German. "But what should you be made a colonel for? What exploit

have you performed? What service have you done? In what way have you gained military glory? You are

"Crazy!" cried the German, ofrended. "No, a person very sensible, but you very stupid! I have a colonel

deserved for that I have a crocodile shown and in him a live Hofrath sitting! And a Russian can a crocodile

not show and a live Hofrath in him sitting! Me extremely clever man and much wish colonel to be!"

"Well, goodbye, then, Ivan Matveitch!" I cried, shaking with fury, and I went out of the crocodile room

I felt that in another minute I could not have answered for myself. The unnatural expectations of these two

blockheads were insupportable. The cold air refreshed me and somewhat moderated my indignation. At last,

after spitting vigorously fifteen times on each side, I took a cab, got home, undressed and flung myself into

bed. What vexed me more than any thing was my having become his secretary. Now I was to die of

boredom there every evening, doing the duty of a true friend! I was ready to beat myself for it, and I did, in

fact, after putting out the candle and pulling up the bedclothes, punch myself several times on the head and

various parts of my body. That somewhat relieved me, and at last I fell asleep fairly soundly, in fact, for I was

very tired. All night long I could dream of nothing but monkeys, but towards morning I dreamt of Elena

THE monkeys I dreamed about, I suppose, because they were shut up in the case at the German's; but Elena

I may as well say at once, I loved the lady, but I make haste posthaste to make a qualification. I loved

her as a father, neither more nor less. I judge that because I often felt an irresistible desire to kiss her little

head or her rosy cheek. And though I never carried out this inclination, I would not have refused even to kiss

her lips. And not merely her lips, but her teeth, which always gleamed so charmingly like two rows of pretty,

wellmatched pearls when she laughed. She laughed extraordinarily often. Ivan Matveitch in demonstrative

moments used to call her his "darling absurdity" a name extremely happy and appropriate. She was a

perfect sugar plum, and that was all one could say of her. Therefore I am utterly at a loss to understand what

possessed Ivan Matveitch to imagine his wife as a Russian Yevgenia Tour? Anyway, my dream, with the

exception of the monkeys, left a most pleasant impression upon me, and going over all the incidents of the

previous day as I drank my morning cup of tea, I resolved to go and see Elena Ivanovna at once on my way to

In a tiny little room out of the bedroom the socalled little drawingroom, though their big drawingroom

was little too Elena Ivanovna was sitting, in some halftransparent morning wrapper, on a smart little sofa

before a little teatable, drinking coffee out of a little cup in which she was dipping a minute biscuit. She was

"Ah, that's you, naughty man!" she said, greeting me with an absentminded smile. "Sit down, featherhead,

have some coffee. Well, what were you doing yesterday? Were you at the masquerade?"

"Why, were you? I don't go, you know. Besides, yesterday I was visiting our captive ...... I sighed and

"Whom? . . . What captive? . . . Oh, yes! Poor fellow! Well, how is he bored? Do you know . . . I wanted to

"A divorce!" I cried in indignation and almost spilled the coffee. "It's that swarthy fellow," I thought to

There was a certain swarthy gentleman with little moustaches who was something in the architectural fine,

and who came far too often to see them, and was extremely skilful in amusing Elena Ivanovna. I must confess

I hated him and there was no doubt that he had succeeded in seeing Elena Ivanovna yester day either at the

"Why," Elena Ivanovna rattled off hurriedly, as though it were a lesson she had learnt, "if he is going to stay

on in the crocodile, perhaps not come back all his life, while I sit waiting for him here! A husband ought to

"But this was an unforeseen occurrence," I was beginning, in very comprehensible agitation.

"Oh, no, don't talk to me, I won't listen, I won't listen," she cried, suddenly getting quite cross. "You are

always against me, you wretch! There's no doing anything with you, you will never give me any advice!

Other people tell me that I can get a divorce because Ivan Matveitch will not get his salary now."

"Elena Ivanovna! is it you I hear!" I exclaimed pathetically. "What villain could have put such an idea into

your head? And divorce on such a trivial ground as a salary is quite impossible. And poor Ivan Matveitch,

poor Ivan Matveitch is, so to speak, burning with love for you even in the bowels of the monster. What's

more, he is melting away with love like a lump of sugar. Yesterday while you were enjoying yourself at the

masquerade, he was saying that he might in the last resort send for you as his lawful spouse to join him in the

entrails of the monster, especially as it appears the crocodile is exceed ingly roomy, not only able to

And then I told her all that interesting part of my conversa tion the night before with Ivan Matveitch.

"What, what!" she cried, in surprise. "You want me to get into the monster too, to be with Ivan Matveitch?

What an idea! And how am I to get in there, in my hat and crinoline? Heavens, what foolishness! And what

should I look like while I was getting into it, and very likely there would be someone there to see me! It's

absurd! And what should I have to eat there? And . . . and . . . and what should I do there when ... Oh, my

goodness, what will they think of next? ... And what should I have to amuse me there? ... You say there's a

smell of guttapercha? And what should I do if we quarrelled should we have to go on staying there side by

"I agree, I agree with all those arguments, my sweet Elena Ivanovna," I interrupted, striving to express myself

with that natural enthusiasm which always overtakes a man when he feels the truth is on his side. "But one

thing you have not appreciated in all tliis, you have not realised that he cannot live without you if he is

inviting you there; that is a proof of love, passionate, faithful, ardent love. . . . You have thought too little of

"I won't, I won't, I won't hear anything about it!" waving me off with her pretty little hand with glistening

pink nails that had just been washed and polished. "Horrid man! You will reduce me to tears! Get into it

yourself, if you like the prospect. You are his friend, get in and keep him company, and spend your life

"You are wrong to laugh at this suggestion" I checked the frivolous woman with dignity "lvan Matveitch

has invited me as it is. You, of course, are summoned there by duty; for me, it would be an act of generosity.

But when Ivan Matveitch described to me last night the elasticity of the crocodile, he hinted very plainly that

there would be room not only for you two, but for me also as a friend of the family, especially if I wished to

"How so, the three of us?" cried Elena Ivanovna, looking at me in surprise. "Why, how should we ... are we

going to be all three there together? Hahaha! How silly you both are! Hahaha l I shall certainly pinch

And falling back on the sofa, she laughed till she cried. All this the tears and the laughterwere so

fascinating that I could not resist rushing eagerly to kiss her hand, which she did not oppose, though she did

Then we both grew very cheerful, and I described to her in detail all Ivan Matveitch's plans. The thought of

"Only I should need a great many new dresses," she observed, "and so Ivan Matveitch must send me as much

of his salary as possible and as soon as possible. Only ... only I don't know about that," she added

thoughtfully. "How can he be brought here in the tank? That's very absurd. I don't want my husband to be

carried about in a tank. I should feel quite ashamed for my visitors to see it.... I don't want that, no, I don't."

"Oh, yes, he was; he came to comfort me, and do you know, we played cards all the time. He played for

sweetmeats, and if I lost he was to kiss my hands. What a wretch he is! And only fancy, he almost came to

"He was carried away by his feelings!" I observed. "And who would not be with you, you charmer?"

"Oh, get along with your comphments! Stay, I'll give you a pinch as a parting present. I've learnt to pinch

awfully well lately. Well, what do you say to that? By the way, you say Ivan Matveitch spoke several times

"Nno, not exactly.... I must say he is thinking more now of the fate of humanity, and wants . . ."

"Oh, let him! You needn't go on! I am sure it's fearfully boring. I'll go and see him some time. I shall

certainly go to morrow. Only not today; I've got a headache, and besides, there will be such a lot of people

there today.... They'll say, 'That's his wife,' and I shall feel ashamed.... Goodbye. You will be ... there this

"That's capital. Go and read to him. But don't come and see me today. I am not well, and perhaps I may go

At the office, of course, I gave no sign of being consumed by these cares and anxieties. But soon I noticed

some of the most progressive papers seemed to be passing particularly rapidly from hand to hand among my

colleagues, and were being read with an extremely serious expression of face. The first one that reached me

was the Newssheet, a paper of no particular party but humanitarian in general, for which it was regarded

with contempt among us, though it was read. Not without surprise I read in it the following paragraph:

"Yesterday strange rumours were circulating among the spacious ways and sumptuous buildings of our vast

metropolis. A certain wellknown bonvivant of the highest society, prob ably weary of the cuisine at

Borel's and at the X. Club, went into the Arcade, into the place where an immense crocodile recently brought

to the metropolis is being exhibited, and insisted on its being prepared for his dinner. After bargaining with

the proprietor he at once set to work to devour him (that is, not the proprietor, a very meek and punctilious

German, but his crocodile), cutting juicy morsels with his penknife from the living animal, and swallowing

them with extraordinary rapidity. By degrees the whole crocodile disappeared into the vast recesses of his

stomach, so that he was even on the point of attacking an ichneumon, a constant companion of the crocodile,

probably imagining that the latter would be as savoury. We are by no means opposed to that new article of

diet with which foreign gourmands have long been familiar. We have, indeed, predicted that it would come.

English lords and travellers make up regular parties for catching crocodiles in Egypt, and consume the back

of the monster cooked like beefsteak, with mustard, onions and potatoes. The French followed in the train of

Lesseps prefer the paws baked in hot ashes, which they do, however, in opposition to the English, who laugh

at them. Probably both ways would be appreciated among us. For our part, we are delighted at a new branch

of industry, of which our great and varied fatherland stands preeminently in need. Probably before a year is

out crocodiles will be brought in hundreds to replace this first one, lost in the stomach of a Petersburg

gourmand. And why should not the crocodile be acclimatised among us in Russia? If the water of the Neva is

too cold for these interesting strangers, there are ponds in the capital and rivers and lakes outside it. Why not

breed crocodiles at Pargolovo, for instance, or at Pavlovsk, in the Presnensky Ponds and in Samoteka in

Moscow? While providing agreeable, wholesome nourish ment for our fastidious gourmands, they might at

the same time entertain the ladies who walk about these ponds and instruct the children in natural history. The

crocodile skin might be used for making jewelcases, boxes, cigarcases, pocketbooks, and possibly more

than one thousand saved up in the greasy notes that are peculiarly beloved of merchants might be laid by in

Though I had foreseen something of the sort, yet the reckless inaccuracy of the paragraph overwhelmed me.

Finding no one with whom to share my impression, I turned to Prohor Savvitch who was sitting opposite to

me, and noticed that the latter had been watching me for some time, while in his hand he held the Voice as

though he were on the point of passing it to me. With out a word he took the Newssheet from me, and as

he handed me the Voice he drew a line with his nail against an article to which he probably wished to call my

attention. This Prohor Savvitch was a very queer man: a taciturn old bachelor, he was not on intimate terms

with any of us, scarcely spoke to anyone in the office, always had an opinion of his own about everything, but

could not bear to impart it to anyone. He lived alone. Hardly anyone among us had ever been in his lodging.

"Everyone knows that we are progressive and humanitarian and want to be on a level with Europe in this

respect. But in spite of all our exertions and the efforts of our paper we are still far from maturity, as may be

judged from the shocking incident which took place yesterday in the Arcade and which we predicted long

ago. A foreigner arrives in the capital bring ing with him a crocodile which he begins exhibiting in the

Arcade. We immediately hasten to welcome a new branch of useful industry such as our powerful and varied

fatherland stands in great need of. Suddenly yesterday at four o'clock in the afternoon a gentleman of

exceptional stoutness enters the foreigner's shop in an intoxicated condition, pays his entrance money, and

immediately without any warning leaps into the jaws of the crocodile, who was forced, of course, to swallow

him, if only from an instinct of selfpreservation, to avoid being crushed. Tumbling into the inside of the

crocodile, the stranger at once dropped asleep. Neither the shouts of the foreign proprietor, nor the

lamentations of his terrified family, nor threats to send for the police made the slightest impression. Within

the crocodile was heard nothing but laughter and a promise to flay him (sic), though the poor mammal,

compelled to swallow such a mass, was vainly shedding tears. An un invited guest is worse than a Tartar.

But in spite of the proverb the insolent visitor would not leave. We do not know how to explain such

barbarous incidents which prove our lack of culture and disgrace us in the eyes of foreigners. The reckless

ness of the Russian temperament has found a fresh outlet. It may be asked what was the object of the

uninvited visitor? A warm and comfortable abode? But there are many excellent houses in the capital with

very cheap aind comfortable lodgings, with the Neva water laid on, and a staircase lighted by gas, frequently

with a hallporter maintained by the proprietor. We would call our readers' attention to the barbarous

treatment of domestic animals: it is difficult, of course, for the crocodile to digest such a mass all at once, and

now he lies swollen out to the size of a mountain, awaiting death in insufferable agonies. In Europe persons

guilty of inhumanity towards domestic animals have long been punished by law. But in spite of our European

enlightenment, in spite of our European pavements, in spite of the European architecture of our houses, we

And, indeed, the houses are not new, at least the staircases in them are not. We have more than once in our

paper alluded to the fact that in the Petersburg Side in the house of the merchant Lukyanov the steps of the

wooden staircase have decayed, fallen away, and have long been a danger for Afimya Skapidarov, a soldier's

wife who works in the house, and is often obliged to go up the stairs with water or armfuls of wood. At last

our predictions have come true: yesterday evening at halfpast eight Afimya Skapidarov fell down with a

basin of soup and broke her leg. We do not know whether Lukyanov will mend his staircase now, Russians

are often wise after the event, but the victim of Russian carelessness has by now been taken to the hospital. In

the same way we shall never cease to maintain that the houseporters who clear away the mud from the

wooden pavement in the Viborgsky Side ought not to spatter the legs of passersby, but should throw the

"What's this?" I asked in some perplexity, looking at Prohor Savvitch. "What's the meaning of it?"

"Why, upon my word! Instead of pitying Ivan Matveitch, they pity the crocodile!"

"What of it? They have pity even for a beast, a mammal. We must be up to Europe, mustn't we? They have a

Saying this, queer old Prohor Savvitch dived into his papers and would not utter another word.

I stuffed the Voice and the Newssheet into my pocket and collected as many old copies of the newspapers

as I could find for Ivan Matveitch's diversion in the evening, and though the evening was far off, yet on this

occasion I slipped away from the office early to go to the Arcade and look, if only from a distance, at what

was going on there, and to listen to the various remarks and currents of opinion. I foresaw that there would be

a regular crush there, and turned up the collar of my coat to meet it. I somehow felt rather shy so

unaccustomed are we to publicity. But I feel that I have no right to report my own prosaic feelings when