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The Lamplighter.................................................................................................................................................1

Charles Dickens.......................................................................................................................................1

'If you talk of Murphy and Francis Moore, gentlemen,' said the lamplighter who was in the chair, 'I mean to

say that neither of 'em ever had any more to do with the stars than Tom Grig had.'

'Do you mean to say you don't believe in Murphy, then?' demanded the lamplighter who had opened the

'I mean to say I believe in Tom Grig,' replied the chairman. 'Whether I believe in Murphy, or not, is a matter

between me and my conscience; and whether Murphy believes in himself, or not, is a matter between him and

The lamplighter who did the company this honour, was seated in the chimneycorner of a certain tavern,

which has been, time out of mind, the Lamplighters' House of Call. He sat in the midst of a circle of

If any of our readers have had the good fortune to behold a lamplighter's funeral, they will not be surprised to

learn that lamplighters are a strange and primitive people; that they rigidly adhere to old ceremonies and

customs which have been handed down among them from father to son since the first public lamp was lighted

out of doors; that they intermarry, and betroth their children in infancy; that they enter into no plots or

conspiracies (for who ever heard of a traitorous lamplighter?); that they commit no crimes against the laws of

their country (there being no instance of a murderous or burglarious lamplighter); that they are, in short,

notwithstanding their apparently volatile and restless character, a highly moral and reflective people: having

among themselves as many traditional observances as the Jews, and being, as a body, if not as old as the hills,

at least as old as the streets. It is an article of their creed that the first faint glimmering of true civilisation

shone in the first streetlight maintained at the public expense. They trace their existence and high position in

the public esteem, in a direct line to the heathen mythology; and hold that the history of Prometheus himself

'And perhaps, Sir,' said the vice, holding up his glass, and rising a little way off his seat and sitting down

again, in token that he recognised and returned the compliment, 'perhaps you will add to that condescension

by telling us who Tom Grig was, and how he came to be connected in your mind with Francis Moore,

'Tom Grig, gentlemen,' said the chairman, 'was one of us; and it happened to him, as it don't often happen to a

'His face, perhaps?' said the vice. 'No, not his face.' 'His legs?' 'No, not his legs.' Nor yet his arms, nor his

'That's it,' said the chairman, awakening from his thoughtful attitude at the suggestion. 'His nativity. That's

'I don't rightly know how it's done,' returned the chairman. 'But I suppose it was.'

And there he stopped as if that were all he had to say; whereupon there arose a murmur among the company,

which at length resolved itself into a request, conveyed through the vice, that he would go on. This being

exactly what the chairman wanted, he mused for a little time, performed that agreeable ceremony which is

'Tom Grig, gentlemen, was, as I have said, one of us; and I may go further, and say he was an ornament to us,

and such a one as only the good old times of oil and cotton could have produced. Tom's family, gentlemen,

'They had talent enough for it, Sir,' rejoined the chairman, 'and would have been, but for the prejudices of

society. Let women have their rights, Sir, and the females of Tom's family would have been every one of 'em

in office. But that emancipation hasn't come yet, and hadn't then, and consequently they confined themselves

to the bosoms of their families, cooked the dinners, mended the clothes, minded the children, comforted their

husbands, and attended to the housekeeping generally. It's a hard thing upon the women, gentlemen, that

'I happen to know all about Tom, gentlemen, from the circumstance of his uncle by his mother's side, having

been my particular friend. His (that's Tom's uncle's) fate was a melancholy one. Gas was the death of him.

When it was first talked of, he laughed. He wasn't angry; he laughed at the credulity of human nature. "They

might as well talk," he says, "of laying on an everlasting succession of glowworms;" and then he laughed

'In course of time, however, the thing got ground, the experiment was made, and they lighted up Pall Mall.

Tom's uncle went to see it. I've heard that he fell off his ladder fourteen times that night, from weakness, and

that he would certainly have gone on falling till he killed himself, if his last tumble hadn't been into a

wheelbarrow which was going his way, and humanely took him home. "I foresee in this," says Tom's uncle

faintly, and taking to his bed as he spoke "I foresee in this," he says, "the breaking up of our profession.

There's no more going the rounds to trim by daylight, no more dribbling down of the oil on the hats and

bonnets of ladies and gentlemen when one feels in spirits. Any low fellow can light a gaslamp. And it's all

up." In this state of mind, he petitioned the government for I want a word again, gentlemen what do you

call that which they give to people when it's found out, at last, that they've never been of any use, and have

'That's it,' said the chairman. 'Compensation. They didn't give it him, though, and then he got very fond of his

country all at once, and went about saying that gas was a deathblow to his native land, and that it was a plot

of the radicals to ruin the country and destroy the oil and cotton trade for ever, and that the whales would go

and kill themselves privately, out of sheer spite and vexation at not being caught. At last he got rightdown

cracked; called his tobaccopipe a gaspipe; thought his tears were lamp oil; and went on with all manner

of nonsense of that sort, till one night he hung himself on a lampiron in Saint Martin's Lane, and there was

'Tom loved him, gentlemen, but he survived it. He shed a tear over his grave, got very drunk, spoke a funeral

oration that night in the watchhouse, and was fined five shillings for it, in the morning. Some men are none

the worse for this sort of thing. Tom was one of 'em. He went that very afternoon on a new beat: as clear in

'Tom's new beat, gentlemen, was I can't exactly say where, for that he'd never tell; but I know it was in a

quiet part of town, where there were some queer old houses. I have always had it in my head that it must have

been somewhere near Canonbury Tower in Islington, but that's a matter of opinion. Wherever it was, he went

upon it, with a brannew ladder, a white hat, a brown holland jacket and trousers, a blue neckkerchief, and a

sprig of full blown double wallflower in his buttonhole. Tom was always genteel in his appearance, and I

have heard from the best judges, that if he had left his ladder at home that afternoon, you might have took

'He was always merry, was Tom, and such a singer, that if there was any encouragement for native talent,

he'd have been at the opera. He was on his ladder, lighting his first lamp, and singing to himself in a manner

more easily to be conceived than described, when he hears the clock strike five, and suddenly sees an old

gentleman with a telescope in his hand, throw up a window and look at him very hard.

'Tom didn't know what could be passing in this old gentleman's mind. He thought it likely enough that he

might be saying within himself, "Here's a new lamplighter a goodlooking young fellow shall I stand

something to drink?" Thinking this possible, he keeps quite still, pretending to be very particular about the

wick, and looks at the old gentleman sideways, seeming to take no notice of him.

'Gentlemen, he was one of the strangest and most mysteriouslooking files that ever Tom clapped his eyes

on. He was dressed all slovenly and untidy, in a great gown of a kind of bedfurniture pattern, with a cap of

the same on his head; and a long old flapped waistcoat; with no braces, no strings, very few buttons in

short, with hardly any of those artificial contrivances that hold society together. Tom knew by these signs,

and by his not being shaved, and by his not being overclean, and by a sort of wisdom not quite awake, in his

face, that he was a scientific old gentleman. He often told me that if he could have conceived the possibility

of the whole Royal Society being boiled down into one man, he should have said the old gentleman's body

'The old gentleman claps the telescope to his eye, looks all round, sees nobody else in sight, stares at Tom

'"Halloa, Sir," says Tom from the ladder; "and halloa again, if you come to that."

'"Here's an extraordinary fulfilment," says the old gentleman, "of a prediction of the planets."

'"Sir," says Tom, "I have not that honour; but I shall be happy to drink your health, notwithstanding."

'"I read," cries the old gentleman, without taking any notice of this politeness on Tom's part "I read what's

'Tom thanked him for the information, and begged to know if anything particular was going to happen in the

stars, in the course of a week or so; but the old gentleman, correcting him, explained that he read in the stars

what was going to happen on dry land, and that he was acquainted with all the celestial bodies.

'"Hush!" cries the old gentleman. "I have consulted the book of Fate with rare and wonderful success. I am

versed in the great sciences of astrology and astronomy. In my house here, I have every description of

apparatus for observing the course and motion of the planets. Six months ago, I derived from this source, the

knowledge that precisely as the clock struck five this afternoon a stranger would present himself the

destined husband of my young and lovely niece in reality of illustrious and high descent, but whose birth

would be enveloped in uncertainty and mystery. Don't tell me yours isn't," says the old gentleman, who was

in such a hurry to speak that he couldn't get the words out fast enough, "for I know better."

'Gentlemen, Tom was so astonished when he heard him say this, that he could hardly keep his footing on the

ladder, and found it necessary to hold on by the lamppost. There WAS a mystery about his birth. His mother

had always admitted it. Tom had never known who was his father, and some people had gone so far as to say

'While he was in this state of amazement, the old gentleman leaves the window, bursts out of the housedoor,

shakes the ladder, and Tom, like a ripe pumpkin, comes sliding down into his arms.

'"Let me embrace you," he says, folding his arms about him, and nearly lighting up his old bedfurniture

gown at Tom's link. "You're a man of noble aspect. Everything combines to prove the accuracy of my

observations. You have had mysterious promptings within you," he says; "I know you have had whisperings

'"I think I have," says Tom Tom was one of those who can persuade themselves to anything they like

'"You were right," cries the old gentleman, hugging him again. "Come in. My niece awaits us."

'"Is the young lady tolerable goodlooking, Sir?" says Tom, hanging fire rather, as he thought of her playing

'"She's beautiful!" cries the old gentleman, who was in such a terrible bustle that he was all in a perspiration.

"She has a graceful carriage, an exquisite shape, a sweet voice, a countenance beaming with animation and

'Tom supposed this might mean, what was called among his circle of acquaintance, "a game eye;" and, with a

'"She has five thousand pounds," cries the old gentleman. "But what of that? what of that? A word in your

ear. I'm in search of the philosopher's stone. I have very nearly found it not quite. It turns everything to

'Tom naturally thought it must have a deal of property; and said that when the old gentleman did get it, he

'"Certainly," he says, "of course. Five thousand pounds! What's five thousand pounds to us? What's five

million?" he says. "What's five thousand million? Money will be nothing to us. We shall never be able to

'The old gentleman embraced him again, very tight; and without speaking another word, dragged him into the

house in such an excited manner, that it was as much as Tom could do to take his link and ladder with him,

'Gentlemen, if Tom hadn't been always remarkable for his love of truth, I think you would still have believed

him when he said that all this was like a dream. There is no better way for a man to find out whether he is

really asleep or awake, than calling for something to eat. If he's in a dream, gentlemen, he'll find something

'Tom explained his doubts to the old gentleman, and said that if there was any cold meat in the house, it

would ease his mind very much to test himself at once. The old gentleman ordered up a venison pie, a small

ham, and a bottle of very old Madeira. At the first mouthful of pie and the first glass of wine, Tom smacks his

lips and cries out, "I'm awake wide awake;" and to prove that he was so, gentlemen, he made an end of 'em

'When Tom had finished his meal (which he never spoke of afterwards without tears in his eyes), the old

gentleman hugs him again, and says, "Noble stranger! let us visit my young and lovely niece." Tom, who was

a little elevated with the wine, replies, "The noble stranger is agreeable!" At which words the old gentleman

took him by the hand, and led him to the parlour; crying as he opened the door, "Here is Mr. Grig, the

'I will not attempt a description of female beauty, gentlemen, for every one of us has a model of his own that

suits his own taste best. In this parlour that I'm speaking of, there were two young ladies; and if every

gentleman present, will imagine two models of his own in their places, and will be kind enough to polish 'em

up to the very highest pitch of perfection, he will then have a faint conception of their uncommon radiance.

'Besides these two young ladies, there was their waitingwoman, that under any other circumstances Tom

would have looked upon as a Venus; and besides her, there was a tall, thin, dismalfaced young gentleman,

half man and half boy, dressed in a childish suit of clothes very much too short in the legs and arms; and

looking, according to Tom's comparison, like one of the wax juveniles from a tailor's door, grown up and run

to seed. Now, this youngster stamped his foot upon the ground and looked very fierce at Tom, and Tom

looked fierce at him for to tell the truth, gentlemen, Tom more than half suspected that when they entered

the room he was kissing one of the young ladies; and for anything Tom knew, you observe, it might be HIS

'"Sir," says Tom, "before we proceed any further, will you have the goodness to inform me who this young

Salamander" Tom called him that for aggravation, you perceive, gentlemen "who this young Salamander

'"That, Mr. Grig," says the old gentleman, "is my little boy. He was christened Galileo Isaac Newton

'"And a very fine child too," says Tom still aggravating, you'll observe "of his age, and as good as fine, I

have no doubt. How do you do, my man?" with which kind and patronising expressions, Tom reached up to

pat him on the head, and quoted two lines about little boys, from Doctor Watts's Hymns, which he had learnt

'It was very easy to see, gentlemen, by this youngster's frowning and by the waitingmaid's tossing her head

and turning up her nose, and by the young ladies turning their backs and talking together at the other end of

the room, that nobody but the old gentleman took very kindly to the noble stranger. Indeed, Tom plainly

heard the waitingwoman say of her master, that so far from being able to read the stars as he pretended, she

didn't believe he knew his letters in 'em, or at best that he had got further than words in one syllable; but Tom,

not minding this (for he was in spirits after the Madeira), looks with an agreeable air towards the young

ladies, and, kissing his hand to both, says to the old gentleman, "Which is which?"

'"This," says the old gentleman, leading out the handsomest, if one of 'em could possibly be said to be

'"If you'll permit me, Miss," says Tom, "being a noble stranger and a favourite of the planets, I will conduct

myself as such." With these words, he kisses the young lady in a very affable way, turns to the old gentleman,

'The young lady coloured so deep, and her lip trembled so much, gentlemen, that Tom really thought she was

going to cry. But she kept her feelings down, and turning to the old gentleman, says, "Dear uncle, though you

have the absolute disposal of my hand and fortune, and though you mean well in disposing of 'em thus, I ask

you whether you don't think this is a mistake? Don't you think, dear uncle," she says, "that the stars must be

'"The stars," says the old gentleman, "couldn't make a mistake if they tried. Emma," he says to the other

'"The same day that makes your cousin Mrs. Grig will unite you to the gifted Mooney. No remonstrance no

tears. Now, Mr. Grig, let me conduct you to that hallowed ground, that philosophical retreat, where my friend

and partner, the gifted Mooney of whom I have just now spoken, is even now pursuing those discoveries

which shall enrich us with the precious metal, and make us masters of the world. Come, Mr. Grig," he says.

'"With all my heart, Sir," replies Tom; "and luck to the gifted Mooney, say I not so much on his account as

for our worthy selves!" With this sentiment, Tom kissed his hand to the ladies again, and followed him out;

having the gratification to perceive, as he looked back, that they were all hanging on by the arms and legs of

Galileo Isaac Newton Flamstead, to prevent him from following the noble stranger, and tearing him to pieces.

'Gentlemen, Tom's fatherinlaw that was to be, took him by the hand, and having lighted a little lamp, led

him across a paved courtyard at the back of the house, into a very large, dark, gloomy room: filled with all

manner of bottles, globes, books, telescopes, crocodiles, alligators, and other scientific instruments of every

kind. In the centre of this room was a stove or furnace, with what Tom called a pot, but which in my opinion

was a crucible, in full boil. In one corner was a sort of ladder leading through the roof; and up this ladder the

'"The observatory. Mr. Mooney is even now watching for the precise time at which we are to come into all

the riches of the earth. It will be necessary for he and I, alone in that silent place, to cast your nativity before

the hour arrives. Put the day and minute of your birth on this piece of paper, and leave the rest to me."

'"You don't mean to say," says Tom, doing as he was told and giving him back the paper, "that I'm to wait

'"Stop a minute," says Tom. "What a hurry you're in! What's in that large bottle yonder?"

'"It's a child with three heads," says the old gentleman; "and everything else in proportion."

'"Why don't you throw him away?" says Tom. "What do you keep such unpleasant things here for?"

'"Throw him away!" cries the old gentleman. "We use him constantly in astrology. He's a charm."

'"I shouldn't have thought it," says Tom, "from his appearance. MUST you go, I say?"

'The old gentleman makes him no answer, but climbs up the ladder in a greater bustle than ever. Tom looked

after his legs till there was nothing of him left, and then sat down to wait; feeling (so he used to say) as

comfortable as if he was going to be made a freemason, and they were heating the pokers.

'Tom waited so long, gentlemen, that he began to think it must be getting on for midnight at least, and felt

more dismal and lonely than ever he had done in all his life. He tried every means of whiling away the time,

but it never had seemed to move so slow. First, he took a nearer view of the child with three heads, and

thought what a comfort it must have been to his parents. Then he looked up a long telescope which was

pointed out of the window, but saw nothing particular, in consequence of the stopper being on at the other

end. Then he came to a skeleton in a glass case, labelled, "Skeleton of a Gentleman prepared by Mr.

Mooney," which made him hope that Mr. Mooney might not be in the habit of preparing gentlemen that

way without their own consent. A hundred times, at least, he looked into the pot where they were boiling the

philosopher's stone down to the proper consistency, and wondered whether it was nearly done. "When it is,"

thinks Tom, "I'll send out for sixpenn'orth of sprats, and turn 'em into gold fish for a first experiment."

Besides which, he made up his mind, gentlemen, to have a countryhouse and a park; and to plant a bit of it

with a double row of gaslamps a mile long, and go out every night with a Frenchpolished mahogany

ladder, and two servants in livery behind him, to light 'em for his own pleasure.

'At length and at last, the old gentleman's legs appeared upon the steps leading through the roof, and he came

slowly down: bringing along with him, the gifted Mooney. This Mooney, gentlemen, was even more

scientific in appearance than his friend; and had, as Tom often declared upon his word and honour, the

'Gentlemen, you are all aware that if a scientific man isn't absent in his mind, he's of no good at all. Mr.

Mooney was so absent, that when the old gentleman said to him, "Shake hands with Mr. Grig," he put out his

leg. "Here's a mind, Mr. Grig!" cries the old gentleman in a rapture. "Here's philosophy! Here's rumination!

'Tom had no wish to disturb him, having nothing particular to say; but he was so uncommonly amazing, that

the old gentleman got impatient, and determined to give him an electric shock to bring him to "for you must

know, Mr. Grig," he says, "that we always keep a strongly charged battery, ready for that purpose." These

means being resorted to, gentlemen, the gifted Mooney revived with a loud roar, and he no sooner came to

himself than both he and the old gentleman looked at Tom with compassion, and shed tears abundantly.

'"I say," cries Tom, falling back, "none of that, you know. No preparing by Mr. Mooney if you please."

'"Alas!" replies the old gentleman, "you don't understand us. My friend, inform him of his fate. I can't."

'The Gifted mustered up his voice, after many efforts, and informed Tom that his nativity had been carefully

cast, and he would expire at exactly thirtyfive minutes, twentyseven seconds, and five sixths of a second

'Gentlemen, I leave you to judge what were Tom's feelings at this announcement, on the eve of matrimony

and endless riches. "I think," he says in a trembling voice, "there must be a mistake in the working of that

sum. Will you do me the favour to cast it up again?" "There is no mistake," replies the old gentleman, "it is

confirmed by Francis Moore, Physician. Here is the prediction for tomorrow two months." And he showed

him the page, where sure enough were these words "The decease of a great person may be looked for, about

'"Too clearly," cries Tom, sinking into a chair, and giving one hand to the old gentleman, and one to the

'At this affecting remark, the Gifted shed tears again, and the other two mingled their tears with his, in a kind

if I may use the expression of Mooney and Co.'s entire. But the old gentleman recovering first, observed

that this was only a reason for hastening the marriage, in order that Tom's distinguished race might be

transmitted to posterity; and requesting the Gifted to console Mr. Grig during his temporary absence, he

'And now, gentlemen, a very extraordinary and remarkable occurrence took place; for as Tom sat in a

melancholy way in one chair, and the Gifted sat in a melancholy way in another, a couple of doors were

thrown violently open, the two young ladies rushed in, and one knelt down in a loving attitude at Tom's feet,

and the other at the Gifted's. So far, perhaps, as Tom was concerned as he used to say you will say there

was nothing strange in this: but you will be of a different opinion when you understand that Tom's young

lady was kneeling to the Gifted, and the Gifted's young lady was kneeling to Tom.

'"Halloa! stop a minute!" cries Tom; "here's a mistake. I need condoling with by sympathising woman, under

my afflicting circumstances; but we're out in the figure. Change partners, Mooney."

'"I abjure thee!" cries Tom's young lady. "I renounce thee. I never will be thine. Thou," she says to the Gifted,

"art the object of my first and allengrossing passion. Wrapt in thy sublime visions, thou hast not perceived

my love; but, driven to despair, I now shake off the woman and avow it. Oh, cruel, cruel man!" With which

reproach she laid her head upon the Gifted's breast, and put her arms about him in the tenderest manner

'"And I," says the other young lady, in a sort of ecstasy, that made Tom start "I hereby abjure my chosen

husband too. Hear me, Goblin!" this was to the Gifted "Hear me! I hold thee in the deepest detestation.

The maddening interview of this one night has filled my soul with love but not for thee. It is for thee, for

thee, young man," she cries to Tom. "As Monk Lewis finely observes, Thomas, Thomas, I am thine, Thomas,

Thomas, thou art mine: thine for ever, mine for ever!" with which words, she became very tender likewise.

'Tom and the Gifted, gentlemen, as you may believe, looked at each other in a very awkward manner, and

with thoughts not at all complimentary to the two young ladies. As to the Gifted, I have heard Tom say often,

'"I don't want to speak to anybody," he says, finding his voice at last, and trying to push her away. "I think I

had better go. I'm I'm frightened," he says, looking about as if he had lost something.

'"I don't know how to look a look of love," he says, all in a maze. "Don't declare anything. I don't want to hear

'"That's right!" cries the old gentleman (who it seems had been listening). "That's right! Don't hear her. Emma

shall marry you tomorrow, my friend, whether she likes it or not, and SHE shall marry Mr. Grig."

'Gentlemen, these words were no sooner out of his mouth than Galileo Isaac Newton Flamstead (who it

seems had been listening too) darts in, and spinning round and round, like a young giant's top, cries, "Let her.

Let her. I'm fierce; I'm furious. I give her leave. I'll never marry anybody after this never. It isn't safe. She is

the falsest of the false," he cries, tearing his hair and gnashing his teeth; "and I'll live and die a bachelor!"

'"The little boy," observed the Gifted gravely, "albeit of tender years, has spoken wisdom. I have been led to

the contemplation of womankind, and will not adventure on the troubled waters of matrimony."

'"What!" says the old gentleman, "not marry my daughter! Won't you, Mooney? Not if I make her? Won't

'"No," says Mooney, "I won't. And if anybody asks me any more, I'll run away, and never come back again."

'"Mr. Grig," says the old gentleman, "the stars must be obeyed. You have not changed your mind because of a

'Tom, gentlemen, had had his eyes about him, and was pretty sure that all this was a device and trick of the

waitingmaid, to put him off his inclination. He had seen her hiding and skipping about the two doors, and

had observed that a very little whispering from her pacified the Salamander directly. "So," thinks Tom, "this

'"Another hour beholds the consummation of our labours," returned the old gentleman.

'"Very good," says Tom, with a mournful air. "It's only for two months, but I may as well be the richest man

in the world even for that time. I'm not particular, I'll take her, Sir. I'll take her."

'The old gentleman was in a rapture to find Tom still in the same mind, and drawing the young lady towards

him by little and little, was joining their hands by main force, when all of a sudden, gentlemen, the crucible

blows up, with a great crash; everybody screams; the room is filled with smoke; and Tom, not knowing what

may happen next, throws himself into a Fancy attitude, and says, "Come on, if you're a man!" without

'"The labours of fifteen years!" says the old gentleman, clasping his hands and looking down upon the Gifted,

who was saving the pieces, "are destroyed in an instant!" And I am told, gentlemen, bythebye, that this

same philosopher's stone would have been discovered a hundred times at least, to speak within bounds, if it

wasn't for the one unfortunate circumstance that the apparatus always blows up, when it's on the very point of

'Tom turns pale when he hears the old gentleman expressing himself to this unpleasant effect, and stammers

out that if it's quite agreeable to all parties, he would like to know exactly what has happened, and what

'"We have failed for the present, Mr. Grig," says the old gentleman, wiping his forehead. "And I regret it the

more, because I have in fact invested my niece's five thousand pounds in this glorious speculation. But don't

"Oh!" cries Tom, letting the young lady's hand fall. "Were the stars very positive about this union, Sir?"

'"Go, Sir," says Tom, fiercely. "I forbid the banns." And with these words which are the very words he used

he sat himself down in a chair, and, laying his head upon the table, thought with a secret grief of what was

'Tom always said, gentlemen, that that waitingmaid was the artfullest minx he had ever seen; and he left it

in writing in this country when he went to colonize abroad, that he was certain in his own mind she and the

Salamander had blown up the philosopher's stone on purpose, and to cut him out of his property. I believe

Tom was in the right, gentlemen; but whether or no, she comes forward at this point, and says, "May I speak,

Sir?" and the old gentleman answering, "Yes, you may," she goes on to say that "the stars are no doubt quite

right in every respect, but Tom is not the man." And she says, "Don't you remember, Sir, that when the clock

struck five this afternoon, you gave Master Galileo a rap on the head with your telescope, and told him to get

out of the way?" "Yes, I do," says the old gentleman. "Then," says the waiting maid, "I say he's the man,

and the prophecy is fulfilled." The old gentleman staggers at this, as if somebody had hit him a blow on the

chest, and cries, "He! why he's a boy!" Upon that, gentlemen, the Salamander cries out that he'll be

twentyone next Ladyday; and complains that his father has always been so busy with the sun round which

the earth revolves, that he has never taken any notice of the son that revolves round him; and that he hasn't

had a new suit of clothes since he was fourteen; and that he wasn't even taken out of nankeen frocks and

trousers till he was quite unpleasant in 'em; and touches on a good many more family matters to the same

purpose. To make short of a long story, gentlemen, they all talk together, and cry together, and remind the old

gentleman that as to the noble family, his own grandfather would have been lord mayor if he hadn't died at a

dinner the year before; and they show him by all kinds of arguments that if the cousins are married, the

prediction comes true every way. At last, the old gentleman being quite convinced, gives in; and joins their

hands; and leaves his daughter to marry anybody she likes; and they are all well pleased; and the Gifted as

'In the middle of this little family party, gentlemen, sits Tom all the while, as miserable as you like. But,

when everything else is arranged, the old gentleman's daughter says, that their strange conduct was a little

device of the waitingmaid's to disgust the lovers he had chosen for 'em, and will he forgive her? and if he

will, perhaps he might even find her a husband and when she says that, she looks uncommon hard at Tom.

Then the waitingmaid says that, oh dear! she couldn't abear Mr. Grig should think she wanted him to marry

her; and that she had even gone so far as to refuse the last lamplighter, who was now a literary character

(having set up as a billsticker); and that she hoped Mr. Grig would not suppose she was on her last legs by

any means, for the baker was very strong in his attentions at that moment, and as to the butcher, he was

frantic. And I don't know how much more she might have said, gentlemen (for, as you know, this kind of

young women are rare ones to talk), if the old gentleman hadn't cut in suddenly, and asked Tom if he'd have

her, with ten pounds to recompense him for his loss of time and disappointment, and as a kind of bribe to

'"It don't much matter, Sir," says Tom, "I ain't long for this world. Eight weeks of marriage, especially with

this young woman, might reconcile me to my fate. I think," he says, "I could go off easy after that." With

which he embraces her with a very dismal face, and groans in a way that might move a heart of stone even

'"Egad," says the old gentleman, "that reminds me this bustle put it out of my head there was a figure

'Without another word, Tom flings himself on the old gentleman's neck; throws up his hat; cuts a caper;

'"And live after it!" says Tom. "I'd sooner marry a mermaid with a smalltooth comb and lookingglass."

'With those words I beg your kind attention here, gentlemen, for it's worth your notice the old gentleman

wetted the forefinger of his right hand in some of the liquor from the crucible that was spilt on the floor, and

drew a small triangle on Tom's forehead. The room swam before his eyes, and he found himself in the

'In the watchhouse,' said the chairman. 'It was late at night, and he found himself in the very watchhouse

'The watchhouse people rather objected to that,' said the chairman; 'so he stopped there that night, and went

before the magistrate in the morning. "Why, you're here again, are you?" says the magistrate, adding insult to

injury; "we'll trouble you for five shillings more, if you can conveniently spare the money." Tom told him he

had been enchanted, but it was of no use. He told the contractors the same, but they wouldn't believe him. It

was very hard upon him, gentlemen, as he often said, for was it likely he'd go and invent such a tale? They

shook their heads and told him he'd say anything but his prayers as indeed he would; there's no doubt about