totally overlook, and begin at the next book. ........................................................................................................7

CHAP. I...................................................................................................................................................7

CHAP. II................................................................................................................................................10

CHAP. III. ..............................................................................................................................................14

CHAP. IV. ..............................................................................................................................................17

CHAP. V. ...............................................................................................................................................20

BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants..............................................27

CHAP. I.................................................................................................................................................27

CHAP. II................................................................................................................................................30

CHAP. III. ..............................................................................................................................................32

CHAP. IV. ..............................................................................................................................................36

CHAP V. ................................................................................................................................................39

BOOK III. In which is recorded the golden reign of Wouter Van Twiller. .......................................................42

CHAP. I.................................................................................................................................................42

CHAP. II................................................................................................................................................45

CHAP. III. ..............................................................................................................................................48

CHAP IV. ...............................................................................................................................................52

CHAP. V. ...............................................................................................................................................54

CHAP. VI. ..............................................................................................................................................57

CHAP. VII.............................................................................................................................................59

CHAP. VIII. ...........................................................................................................................................61

BOOK IV. Containing the Chronicles of the reign of William the Testy.........................................................64

CHAP. I.................................................................................................................................................64

CHAP. II................................................................................................................................................68

CHAP. III. ..............................................................................................................................................70

CHAP. IV. ..............................................................................................................................................73

CHAP. V. ...............................................................................................................................................77

CHAP VI. ...............................................................................................................................................81

CHAP. VII.............................................................................................................................................83

VOL. II. ..............................................................................................................................................................88

BOOK V. Containing the first part of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant and his troubles with the

Amphyctionic Council. ..........................................................................................................................88

CHAP. I....................................................................................................................................88

CHAP. II...................................................................................................................................90

CHAP. III. .................................................................................................................................93

CHAP. IV. .................................................................................................................................95

CHAP. V. ..................................................................................................................................98

CHAP. VI. ...............................................................................................................................101

CHAP VII...............................................................................................................................104

BOOK VI. Containing the second part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong and his gallant

atchievements on the Delaware...........................................................................................................108

CHAP. I..................................................................................................................................108

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

CHAP. II.................................................................................................................................112

CHAP III. ................................................................................................................................115

CHAP. IV. ...............................................................................................................................118

CHAP. V. ................................................................................................................................121

CHAP. VI. ...............................................................................................................................124

CHAP. VII..............................................................................................................................127

CHAP. VIII. ............................................................................................................................132

BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong his troubles with

the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty. ......................................................136

CHAP. I..................................................................................................................................136

CHAP. II.................................................................................................................................140

CHAP. III. ...............................................................................................................................143

CHAP. IV. ...............................................................................................................................147

CHAP. V. ................................................................................................................................148

CHAP. VI. ...............................................................................................................................150

CHAP. VII..............................................................................................................................154

CHAP. VIII. ............................................................................................................................156

CHAP. IX. ...............................................................................................................................159

CHAP. X. ................................................................................................................................162

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

BOOK I. Being, like all introductions to American histories, very learned, sagacious, and nothing at all to

the purpose; containing divers profound theories and philosophic speculations, which the idle reader may

BOOK V. Containing the first part of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant and his troubles with the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 1 1

BOOK VI. Containing the second part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong and his gallant

BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong his troubles with the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 1 2

It was sometime, if I recollect right, in the early part of the Fall of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at

the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry Street, of which I am landlord. He was a small brisk looking

old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a

few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some four and twenty hours growth.

The only piece of finery which he bore about him, was a bright pair of square silver shoe buckles, and all his

baggage was contained in a pair of saddle bags which he carried under his arm. His whole ap pearance was

something out of the common run, and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for some

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him;

but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put him in her best cham ber, which is genteely

set off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, by those two great painters Jarvis and Wood; and

commands a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the Poor house

and Bride well and the full front of the Hospital, so that it is the cheerfullest room in the whole house.

During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman,

though a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days together, and if any of the children cried

or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say

something about "deranging his ideas," which made my wife be lieve sometimes that he was not altogether

compos. Indeed there was more than one reason to make her think so, for his room was always covered with

scraps of paper and old mouldy books, laying about at sixes and sevens, which he would never let any body

touch; for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them;

though for that matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in seach of some book or writing which

he had carefully put out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, because my wife cleaned

out his room when his back was turned, and put every thing to rights; for he swore he should never be able to

get his papers in order again in a twelvemonth Upon this my wife ventured to ask him what he did with so

many books and papers, and he told her that he was "seeking for immortality," which made her think more

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room was continually poking about town, hearing all the

news and prying into every thing that was going on; this was particularly the case about election time, when

he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and committee rooms; though I

could never find that he took part with either side of the question. On the contrary he would come home and

rail at both parties with great wrath and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and three

old ladies who were drinking tea with her, one of whom was as deaf as a post, that the two parties were like

two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation, and that in the end they would tear the very coat off of its

back and expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle among the neighbours, who would collect around

him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smoaked his pipe on the bench before the door; and I really

believe he would have brought over the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question, if they could

He was very much given to argue, or as he called it philosophize, about the most trifling matter, and to do

him justice, I never knew any body that was a match for him, except it was a grave looking gentleman who

called now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument. But this is nothing surprising, as I have

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

since found out this stranger is the city librarian, and of course must be a man of great learning; and I have

As our lodger had heen a long time with us, and we had never received any pay, my wife began to be

somewhat uneasy, and curious to find out who, and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the

question to his friend, the librarian, who re plied in his dry way, that he was one of the Literati; which she

supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass

on without dunning the old gentleman for a farthing; but my wife, who always takes these matters on herself,

and is as I said a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she thought it high time

"some people should have a sight of some people's money." To which the old gentleman replied, in a mighty

touchy manner, that she need not make herself un easy, for that he had a treasure there (pointing to his

saddlebags) worth her whole house put to gether. This was the only answer we could ever get from him;

and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in which women find out every thing, learnt that he was of very

great connexions, being related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousingerman to the

Congressman of that name, she did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely

by way of making things easy, to let him live scotfree, if he would teach the children their letters; and to try

her best and get the neighbours to send their children also; but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and

seemed so affronted at being taken for a school master, that she never dared speak on the subject again.

About two month's ago, he went out of a morn ing, with a bundle in his hand and has never been heard

of since. All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but

they sent for answer, that he had not been there since the year before last, when he had a great dispute with

the Congressman about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any thing of

him from that time to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought

some thing bad must have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, and never return to pay his

bill. I therefore advertised him in the news papers, and though my melancholy advertisement was published

by several humane printers, yet I have never been able to learn any thing satisfactory about him.

My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves, and see if he had left any thing behind in his

room, that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found nothing however, but some old books and

musty writings, and his pair of saddle bags, which being opened in presence of the libra rian, contained only

a few articles of worn out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian told

us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had spoken about; as it proved to be a most

excel lent and faithful HISTORY OF NEW YORK, which he advised us by all means to publish: assuring

us that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had no doubt it would be enough to

pay our arrears ten times over. Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches our children, to

prepare it for the press, which he ac cordingly has done, and has moreover, added to it a number of notes of

his own; and an engraving of the city, as it was, at the time Mr. Knickerbocker writes about.

This, therefore, is a true statement of my rea sons for having this work printed, without waiting for the

consent of the author: and I here declare, that if he ever returns (though I much fear some unhappy accident

has befallen him) I stand ready to account with him, like a true and honest man. Which is all at present

"TO rescue from oblivion the memory of former incidents, and to render a just tribute of "renown to the

many great and wonderful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

of New York, "produces this historical essay."1 Like the great Father of History whose words I have just

quoted, I treat of times long past, over which the twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its sha dows,

and the night of forgetfulness was about to descend forever. With great solicitude had I long beheld the early

history of this venerable and an cient city, gradually slipping from our grasp, trem bling on the lips of

narrative old age, and day by day dropping piece meal into the tomb. In a lit tle while, thought I, and those

venerable dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered to their

fathers; their children engrossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of the present age, will

ne glect to treasure up the recollections of the past, and posterity shall search in vain, for memorials of the

days of the Patriarchs. The origin of our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names and

atchievements of Wouter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and

fiction, like those of Romulus and Rhemus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Bologne.

Determined therefore, to avert if possible this threatening misfortune, I industriously sat myself to work, to

gather together all the fragments of our infant history which still existed, and like my re vered prototype

Herodotus, where no written re cords could be found, I have endeavoured to con tinue the chain of history

In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the

number of learned authors I have consulted; and all to but little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such

multitudes of excellent works have been written about this country, there are none extant which give any full

and satisfactory account of the early history of New York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I have,

however, gained much valuable and curious matter from an elaborate manuscript written in exceeding pure

and classic low dutch, excepting a few errors in ortho graphy, which was found in the archieves of the

Stuyvesant family. Many legends, letters and other documents have I likewise gleaned, in my researches

among the family chests and lumber garrets of our respectable dutch citizens, and I have gathered a host of

well authenticated tradi tions from divers excellent old ladies of my ac quaintance, who requested that

their names might not be mentioned. Nor must I neglect to acknow ledge, how greatly I have been assisted

by that ad mirable and praiseworthy institution, the New York Historical Society, to which I here publicly

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no individual model, but on the con trary have

simply contented myself with combining and concentrating the excellencies of the most ap proved ancient

historians. Like Xenophon I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence to truth

throughout my history. I have enriched it after the manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient

worthies, drawn at full length, and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned it with profound political speculations

like Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces of sentiment like Ta citus, and infused into the whole the

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of nu merous very learned and judicious critics, for in dulging too

frequently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be candid, I have found it

impossible always to resist the allure ments of those pleasing episodes, which like flowery banks and

fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from

his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found, that I have always resumed my staff, and addressed myself to my

weary journey with re novated spirits, so that both my readers and myself, have been benefited by the

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform endeavour, to rival Polybius himself, in observing

the requisite unity of History, yet the loose and unconnected manner in which many of the facts herein

recorded have come to hand, ren dered such an attempt extremely difficult. This difficulty was likewise

increased, by one of the grand objects contemplated in my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry

customs and institutions in this best of cities, and to compare them when in the germ of infancy, with what

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

But the chief merit upon which I value myself, and found my hopes for future regard, is that faith ful

veracity with which I have compiled this in valuable little work; carefully winnowing away all the chaff of

hypothesis, and discarding the tares of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of truth and

wholesome knowledge Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows

over the surface of litera ture; or had I been anxious to commend my writ ings to the pampered palates of

literary voluptuaries, I might have availed myself of the obscurity that hangs about the infant years of our

city, to intro duce a thousand pleasing fictions. But I have scru pulously discarded many a pithy tale and

marvel lous adventure, whereby the drowsy ear of summer indolence might be enthralled; jealously

maintain ing that fidelity, gravity and dignity, which should ever distinguish the historian. "For a writer of

this class," observes an elegant critic, "must sus tain the character of a wise man, writing for the instruction

of posterity; one who has studied to in form himself well, who has pondered his subject with care, and

Thrice happy therefore, is this our renowned city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history;

and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian as myself, to relate them. For after all, gentle reader,

cities of themselves, and in fact empires of themselves, are nothing without an historian. It is the patient

narrator who cheer fully records their prosperity as they rise who blazons forth the splendour of their

noontide me ridian who props their feeble memorials as they totter to decay who gathers together

their scatter ed fragments as they rot and who piously at length collects their ashes into the mausoleum

of his work, and rears a triumphal monument, to transmit their renown to all succeeding time.

"What," (in the language of Diodorus Siculus) "What has become of Babylon, of Nineveh, of Palmyra, of

Persepolis, of Byzantium, of Agri gentum, of Cyzicum and Mytilene?" They have disappeared from the face

of the earth they have perished for want of an historian! The philan thropist may weep over their

desolation the poet may wander amid their mouldering arches and broken columns, and indulge the

visionary flights of his fancy but alas! alas! the modern historian, whose faithful pen, like my own, is

doomed irrevo cably to confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain among their oblivious remains, for

some memorial that may tell the instructive tale, of their glory and their ruin.

"Wars, conflagrations, deluges (says Aristotle) destroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their

discoveries and their vanities The torch of science has more than once been extinguished and rekindled

a few individuals who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations." Thus then the historian is

the patron of man kind, the guardian priest, who keeps the perpetual lamp of ages unextinguished Nor is

he without his reward. Every thing in a manner is tributary to his renown Like the great projector of

inland lock navigation, who asserted that rivers, lakes and oceans were only formed to feed canals; so I affirm

that cities, empires, plots, conspiracies, wars, ha vock and desolation, are ordained by providence only as

food for the historian. They form but the pedestal on which he intrepidly mounts to the view of surrounding

generations, and claims to himself, from ages as they rise, until the latest sigh of old time himself, the meed

The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many ancient cities, will happen again, and from the

same sad cause, to ninetenths of those cities which now flourish on the face of the globe. With most of them

the time for recording their history is gone by; their origin, their very founda tion, together with the early

stages of their settle ment, are forever buried in the rubbish of years; and the same would have been the case

with this fair portion of the earth, the history of which I have here given, if I had not snatched it from ob

scurity, in the very nick of time, at the moment that those matters herein recorded, were about en tering into

the widespread, insatiable maw of ob livion if I had not dragged them out, in a manner, by the very

locks, just as the monster's adamantine fangs, were closing upon them forever! And here have I, as before

observed, carefully collected, col lated and arranged them; scrip and scrap, "punt en punt, gat en gat," and

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

commenced in this little work, a history which may serve as a foundation, on which a host of worthies shall

hereafter raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time, until Knickerbocker's New York shall be

And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of

two or three hundred years a head; and casting back a birds eye glance, over the waste of years that is to roll

between; discover myself little I at this moment the progenitor, prototype and precursor of them all,

posted at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, and New York on my back,

Here then I cut my bark adrift, and launch it forth to float upon the waters. And oh! ye mighty Whales, ye

Grampuses and Sharks of criticism, who delight in shipwrecking unfortunate adven turers upon the sea of

letters, have mercy upon this my crazy vessel. Ye may toss it about in your sport; or spout your dirty water

upon it in showers; but do not, for the sake of the unlucky mariner within do not stave it with your tails

and send it to the bottom. And you, oh ye great little fish! ye tadpoles, ye sprats, ye minnows, ye chubbs, ye

grubs, ye barnacles, and all you small fry of litera ture, be cautious how you insult my new launched vessel,

or swim within my view; lest in a moment of mingled sportiveness and scorn, I sweep you up in a scoop net,

In which the Author ventures a Description of the World, from the best Authorities.

THE world in which we dwell is a huge, opake, reflecting, inanimate mass, floating in the vast ethe rial

ocean of infinite space. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite

parts, for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre; thus

forming an axis on which the migh ty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution.

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations of day and night, are pro duced by

this diurnal revolution, successively pre senting the different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The

latter is, according to the best, that is to say, the latest, accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious

magnitude, from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a

centripetal or attrac tive force; otherwise termed the attraction of gra vitation; the combination, or rather

the counterac tion of these two opposing impulses producing a cir cular and annual revolution. Hence

result the vicis situdes of the seasons, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

I am fully aware, that I expose myself to the cavillings of sundry dead philosophers, by adopting the above

theory. Some will entrench themselves behind the ancient opinion, that the earth is an ex tended plain,

supported by vast pillars; others, that it rests on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise; and others,

that it is an immense flat pan cake, and rests upon whatever it pleases God for merly a pious Catholic

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

BOOK I. Being, like all introductions to American histories, very learned, sagacious, and nothing at all to the purpose; containing divers profound theories and philosophic speculations, which the idle reader may totally overlook, and begin at the next book. 7

opinion, and sanctioned by a formidable bull, dispatched from the vatican by a most holy and infallible

pontiff. Others will attack my whole theory, by declaring with the Brahmins, that the heavens rest upon the

earth, and that the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and

gliding back along the edge of the horizon to their original sta tions during the night time.2 While others will

maintain, with the Pauranicas of India, that is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar and other

delicious liquids; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a moun tainous

rock of burnished gold; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the

I am confident also, I shall meet with equal op position to my account of the sun; certain ancient

philosophers having affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire,� others that it is merely a mirror or sphere

of transparent chrystal; and a third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, having maintained, that it is

nothing but a huge ignited rock or stone, an opinion which the good people of Athens have kindly saved me

the trouble of con futing, by turning the philosopher neck and heels out of their city. Another set of

philosophers, who delight in variety, declare, that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth,

which concentrat ing in a single point of the firmament by day, con stitute the sun, but being scattered, and

rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and

extinguished, like the lamps in our streets, and re quire a fresh supply of exhalations for the next oc

It is even recorded that at certain remote and ob scure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel,

(probably during a severe winter) the sun has been completely burnt out, and not rekindled for a whole

month. A most melancholy occurrence, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, the celebrated

weeping Philosopher, who was a great stickler for this doctrine. Beside these pro found speculations, others

may expect me to advo cate the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a most magnificent, habitable abode; the

light it fur nishes, arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its

transparent at mosphere. But to save dispute and altercation with my readers who I already perceive, are

a cap tious, discontented crew, and likely to give me a world of trouble I now, once for all, wash my

hands of all and every of these theories, declining entirely and unequivocally, any investigation of their

merits. The subject of the present chapter is merely the Island, on which is built the goodly city of New York,

a very honest and substantial Is land, which I do not expect to find in the sun, or moon; as I am no land

speculator, but a plain mat ter of fact historian. I therefore renounce all luna tic, or solaric excursions, and

confine myself to the limits of this terrene or earthly globe; somewhere on the surface of which I pledge my

credit as a his torian (which heaven and my landlord know is all the credit I possess) to detect and

demonstrate the existence of this illustrious island to the conviction of all reasonable people.

Proceeding on this discreet and considerate plan, I rest satisfied with having advanced the most approved and

fashionable opinion on the form of this earth and its movements; and I freely submit it to the cavilling of any

Philo, dead or alive, who may choose to dispute its correctness. I must here in treat my unlearned readers (in

which class I hum bly presume to include nine tenths of those who shall pore over these instructive pages)

not to be discouraged when they encounter a passage above their comprehension; for as I shall admit nothing

into my work that is not pertinent and absolutely es sential to its well being, so likewise I shall advance no

theory or hypothesis, that shall not be elucidat ed to the comprehension of the dullest intellect. I am not one

of those churlish authors, who do so enwrap their works in the mystic fogs of scientific jargon, that a man

must be as wise as themselves to understand their writings; on the contrary, my pages, though abounding

with sound wisdom and profound erudition, shall be written with such plea sant and urbane perspicuity, that

there shall not even be found a country justice, an outward alder man, or a member of congress, provided he

can read with tolerable fluency, but shall both understand and profit by my labours. I shall therefore, proceed

forthwith to illustrate by experiment, the com plexity of motion just ascribed to this our rotatory planet.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead as the name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated

in the college of New York, for most profound gravity of deportment, and his talent at going to sleep in the

midst of examinations; to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby worked their way through

college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lec tures, the learned professor, seizing a

bucket of water swung it round his head at arms length; the impulse with which he threw the vessel from him,

being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which was

a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and ruby visage of

Professor Von Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were duly

explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them moreover, that the same principle of

gravitation, which retained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid

revo lutions; and he further informed them that should the motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it

would incontinently fall into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravitation; a most ruinous event to this

planet, and one which would also ob scure, though it most probably would not extinguish the solar

luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into the world merely to annoy

worthy men of the pudding head order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly

arrested the arm of the professor, just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately

descended with astonishing precision, upon the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound,

and a redhot hiss attended the contact, but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the un

fortunate bucket perished in the conflict, but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft, emerged

from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation whereby the students were

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a pains taking philosopher, that nature often

refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efforts; so that often after having in vented one of the

most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of

his system, and flatly con tradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance,

since it throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher; whereas the fault is not

to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame nature, who

with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is con tinually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems

really to take pleasure in violating all philo sophic rules, and jilting the most learned and inde fatigable of

her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our

planet; it appears that the cen trifugal force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in

undiminished potency: the world therefore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought in strict

propriety to tumble into the sun Philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious

impatience, the fulfilment of their prognostications. But the untoward planet, pertinaciously continued her

course, notwithstanding that she had reason, phi losophy, and a whole university of learned professors

opposed to her conduct. The philo's were all at a non plus, and it is apprehended they would never have fairly

recovered from the slight and affront which they conceived offered to them by the world, had not a good

natured professor kindly officiated as mediator between the parties, and effected a re conciliation.

Finding the world would not accomodate itself to the theory, he wisely determined to ac comodate the

theory to the world: he therefore informed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth

round the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses above des cribed, than it became a

regular revolution, inde pendent of the causes which gave it origin in short, that madam earth having

once taken it into her head to whirl round, like a young lady of spirit in a high dutch waltz, the duivel himself

could not stop her. The whole board of professors of the university of Leyden joined in the opinion, being

heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from their embarrassment and im

mediately decreed the penalty of expulsion against all who should presume to question its correctness: the

philosophers of all other nations gave an un qualified assent, and ever since that memorable era the world

has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii, p. 81. Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i, p. 56. Plut. de plac. p. p.

Diog. Laert. in Anaxag. I. ii, sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t i, p. 26. Plut. de Superst. t. ii, p. 269. Xenoph. Mem. l. iv, p.

[3] Aristot. Meteor. l. ii, c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Ecl. Phys. l. i, p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i, p. 1154,

Cosmogony or Creation of the World. With a mul titude of excellent Theories, by which the Crea tion of a

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and si tuation,

he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And in deed these are

points absolutely essential to be cleared up, in as much as if this world had not been formed, it is more than

probable, nay I may venture to assume it as a maxim or postulate at least, that this renowned island on which

is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history there

fore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to plunge for a chapter or two, into as complete a

labyrinth as ever historian was perplex ed withal; therefore I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and

keep close at my heels, ven turing neither to the right hand nor to the left, least they get bemired in a slough

of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out, by some of those hard Greek names which will be

flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chickenhearted to accompany me in

this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the be ginning of some

Of the creation of the world, we have a thou sand contradictory accounts; and though a very satisfactory one

is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour bound, to furnish us with a

better. As an impartial his torian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe, was the

deity himself;4 a doctrine most strenuous ly maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as

also by Strato and the sect of peri patetic or vagabondizing philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the

famous numerical system of the monad, dyad and triad, and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the

formation of the world, the arcana of nature and the principles both of music and morals. Other sages adhered

to the mathematical system of squares and triangles; the cube, the pyramid and the sphere; the tetrahe dron,

the octahedron, the icosahedron and the do decahedron.5 While others advocated the great elementary

theory, which refers the construction of our globe and all that it contains, to the combina tions of four

material elements, air, earth, fire and water; with the assistance of a fifth, an immate rial and vivifying

principle; by which I presume the worthy theorist meant to allude to that vivifying spirit contained in gin,

brandy, and other potent li quors, and which has such miraculous effects, not only on the ordinary

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

operations of nature, but like wise on the creative brains of certain philosophers.

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy; revived

by Democritus of laughing memory; improved by Epicurus that king of good fellows, and modernised by the

fanciful Descartes. But I decline enquiring, whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are

eternal or recent; whether they are animate or inanimate; whether, agreeably to the opinion of the Atheists,

they were fortuitously aggregated, or as the Theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence. Whe

ther in fact the earth is an insensate clod, or whe ther it is animated by a soul;6 which opinion was

strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate

sage, who threw the cold water of philo sophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and in culcated the

doctrine of Platonic affection, or the art of making love without making children. An exquisitely refined

intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis, than to the

sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, who populate the lit tle matter of fact island which we

Besides these systems, we have moreover the poetical theogeny of old Hesiod, who generated the whole

Universe in the regular mode of procreation, and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched

from the great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To

illustrate this last doctrine, Bishop Burnet in his Theory of the Earth, has favoured us with an accurate

drawing and descrip tion, both of the form and texture of this mundane egg; which is found to bear a

miraculous resem blance to that of a goose! Such of my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this

our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the most profound sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians,

Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks and Latins, have alternately as sisted at the hatching of this strange bird, and

that their cacklings have been caught, and continued in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to

But while briefly noticing long celebrated sys tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect, those

of other philosophers; which though less universal and renowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal

chance for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the

angel Bistnoo trans forming himself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the

earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake; and Bistnoo placed the snake

erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.7

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that the world was made by the hands of angels, ex cepting their

own country, which the Supreme Be ing constructed himself, that it might be supremely excellent. And he

took great pains with the inha bitants, and made them very black, and beautiful: and when he had finished

the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose and the nose

The Mohawk Philosophers tell us that a preg nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a tor toise took

her upon its back, because every place was covered with water; and that the woman sit ting upon the tortoise

paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became

Beside these and many other equally sage opi nions, we have likewise the profound conjectures of

AboulHassanAly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Ma

soudelHadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the hum ble

title of Lahebarrasoul, which means the com panion of the ambassador of God. He has written an

universal history entitled "Mouroudgeeddhah rab, or the golden meadows and the mines of preci ous

stones." In this valuable work he has related the history of the world, from the creation down to the moment

of writing; which was, under the Kha liphat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadiel aoual of the

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336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and

Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the

tail. He informs us moreover, than an earth has existed before the pre sent, (which he considers as a mere

chicken of 7000 years) that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well

inform ed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be renova ted every seventy thousandth hazarouam; each

But I forbear to quote a host more of these an cient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable

ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers

can understand; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable theories of their

And first I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid

fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generat ed by the

collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which cooling and condensing in

process of time, constituted, ac cording to their densities, earth, water and air; which gradually arranged

themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitri fied mass, that formed their

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount; and he terri fies

himself with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed away, by the force of rain, rivers and mountain

torrents, untill it is confounded with the ocean, or in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. Sublime

idea! far surpassing that of the tenderhearted damsel of antiquity who wept her self into a fountain; or the

good dame of Narbonne in France, who for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five

hundred thou sand and thirtynine ropes of onions, and actually ran out at her eyes, before half the hideous

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude, (for which

the mischiefloving Swift discharged on their heads a stanza as fragrant as an Edinburgh nosegay) has

distinguished himself by a very ad mirable theory respecting the earth. He conjec tures that it was

originally a chaotic comet, which being selected for the abode of man, was removed from its excentric orbit,

and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion; by which change of direction, order succeeded to

confusion in the ar rangement of its component parts. The philoso pher adds, that the deluge was produced

by an un courteous salute from the watery tail of another comet; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved

condition; thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail, even among the heavenly bodies,

and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the poets.

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and

Whitehurst; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give them the notice they de serve

And shall conclude with that of the re nowed Dr. Darwin, which I have reserved to the last for the sake of

going off with a report. This learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good

natured credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces of

the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, amours, de baucheries, and other topics of scandal of the

court of Flora; has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his opinion, the

huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded

the sun which in its flight by a similar ex plosion expelled the earth which in like guise ex ploded

the moon and thus by a concatenation of explosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set most

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found

surprisingly consistent in all its parts; my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation

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of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shewn at least a score of ingenious

methods in which a world could be constructed; and I have no doubt, that had any of the Philo's above

quoted, the use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical warehouse chaos at his command, he

would engage, by the aid of philosophy to manufacture a planet as good, or if you would take his word for it,

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, in creating comets for the great re lief of

bewildered philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions and transitions are affected in the

system of nature, than are wrought in a pan tomimic exhibition, by the wonderworking sword of

Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in

the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by

the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an enchan ter on his hyppogriff, or a

It is an old and vulgar saying, about a "beggar on horse back," which I would not for the world have applied

to our most reverend philosophers; but I must confess, that some of them, when they are mounted on one of

these fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettings as was Ph�ton of yore, when he aspired to manage the

chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with

the mighty concussion; another more moderate, makes his comet a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a

regular supply of food and faggots a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his comet,

like a bombshell into the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine; while a fourth, with no great delicacy

to this respectable planet, and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other, his comet my modest pen

blushes while I write it shall absolutely turn tail upon our world and deluge it with water! Surely as I

have already observed, comets were bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philosophers, to

When a man once doffs the straight waistcoat of common sense, and trusts merely to his imagin ation, it is

astonishing how rapidly he gets forward. Plodding souls, like myself, who jog along on the two legs nature

has given them, are sadly put to it to clamber over the rocks and hills, to toil through the mud and mire, and

to remove the continual ob structions, that abound in the path of science. But your adventurous philosopher

launches his theory like a balloon, and having inflated it with the smoke and vapours of his own heated

imagination, mounts it in triumph, and soars away to his congenial re gions in the moon. Every age has

furnished its quota of these adventurers in the realms of fancy, who voyage among the clouds for a season

and are stared at and admired, until some envious rival as sails their air blown pageant, shatters its crazy

texture, lets out the smoke, and tumbles the adven turer and his theory into the mud. Thus one race of

philosophers demolish the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead,

which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air castles of a succeeding generation. Such are the

grave eccentricities of genius, and the mighty soap bubbles, with which the grown up children of science

amuse themselves while the honest vulgar, stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these fantastic

vagaries with the name of wisdom! surely old Socrates was right in his opinion that philosophers are but a

soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things which are totally incomprehensible, or which, if they

And now, having adduced several of the most important theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my

readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all the serious speculations of learned men all differ

essentially from each other and all have the same title to belief. For my part, (as I hate an embarrassment

of choice) until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the

account handed us down by the good old Moses; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious

neigh bours of Connecticut; who at their first settlement proclaimed, that the colony should be governed by

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

One thing however appears certain from the unanimous authority of the before quoted philoso phers,

supported by the evidence of our own sen ses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously

admitted as additional testimony) it ap pears I say, and I make the assertion deliberately, without fear of

contradiction, that this globe really was created, and that it is composed of land and water. It further appears

that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which I boldly declare the

renowned Island of New York, will be found, by any one who seeks for it in its proper place.

Thus it will be perceived, that like an experien ced historian I confine myself to such points as are

absolutely essential to my subject building up my work, after the manner of the able architect who erected

our theatre; beginning with the foundation, then the body, then the roof, and at last perching our snug little

island like the little cupola on the top. Having dropt upon this simile by chance I shall make a moment's

further use of it, to illustrate the correctness of my plan. Had not the founda tion, the body, and the roof of

the theatre first been built, the cupola could not have had existence as a cupola it might have been a

centrybox or a watchman's box or it might have been placed in the rear of the Manager's house and

have formed a temple; but it could never have been considered a cupola. As therefore the building of

the theatre was necessary to the existence of the cupola, as a cupola so the formation of the globe and its

inter nal construction, were first necessary to the existence of this island, as an island and thus the

necessity and importance of this part of my history, which in a manner is no part of my history, is logically

mem. sur musique ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. et. alii.

[6] Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. ap. Plat. lib. 3. Mem. de l'acad. des Belles Lettr. t.

How that famous navigator, Admiral Noah, was shamefully nicknamed; and how he committed an

unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and

Noah, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Au thors it is

true, are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a number of other children. Thus Berosus makes him

father of the gigantic Titans, Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Joni cus, (who was the first

inventor of Johnny cakes,) and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from whom descended the

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed such an undertaking would be

attended with more trouble than many people would imagine; for the good old patriarch seems to have been a

great traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited. The

Chaldeans for instance give us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus a trivial alteration, which

to an historian skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimpor tant. It appears likewise, that he had

exchanged his tarpawlin and quadrant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears

as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris; the Indians as Menu; the

Greek and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the

Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have

known the world ever since some millions of years before it was created, declare that Noah was no other than

Fohi, a worthy gen tleman, descended from an ancient and respectable family of Hong merchants, that

flourished in the middle ages of the empire. What gives this asser tion some air of credibility is, that it is a

fact, ad mitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building of

the Tower of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages) and the learned Dr. Shackford

gives us the additional information, that the ark rested upon a mountain on the frontiers of China.

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn;

but I shall content myself with the unques tionable fact stated in the Bible, that Noah begat three sons

It may be asked by some inquisitive readers, not much conversant with the art of history writing, what have

Noah and his sons to do with the subject of this work? Now though, in strict justice, I am not bound to satisfy

such querulous spirits, yet as I have determined to accommodate my book to every capacity, so that it shall

not only delight the learned, but likewise instruct the simple, and edify the vulgar; I shall never hesitate for a

Noah we are told by sundry very credible his torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the

earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father portioned out his estate among his children. To Shem

he gave Asia, to Ham, Africa, and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a thousand times to be lamented that he had

but three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inhe rited America; which of course

would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion; and thus many a hard working historian

and philo sopher, would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjecture, respecting the first

discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having provided for his three sons, looked in all

pro bability, upon our country as mere wild unsettled land, and said nothing about it, and to this unpar

donable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that America did not come into the world,

It is true some writers have vindicated him from this misconduct towards posterity, and assert ed that he

really did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer possessed of that

ponderosity of thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the immediate

descendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a

passion for the sea faring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious and enlightened father

Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for his veracity and an aversion to the marvellous, common to all

great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion; nay, he goes still further, and decides upon the manner in

which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, and under the immediate direction of the great Noah. "I

have already observed, exclaims the good fa ther in a tone of becoming indignation, that it is an arbitrary

supposition that the grand children of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or that they never

thought of it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seriously believe, that

Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship

that ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and

quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his descendants the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

art of sailing on the ocean?" Therefore they did sail on the ocean therefore they sailed to America

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being

addressed to the faith, rather than the un derstanding, is flatly opposed by Hans De Laet, who declares it a

real and most ridiculous paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought of discovering America;

and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been much better acquainted with the

worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possess ed of more accurate sources of

information. It is astonishing how intimate historians daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of

antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and familiar in their

acquaintance with the ancients, I should not be surprised, if some future writers should gravely give us a

picture of men and manners as they ex isted before the flood, far more copious and accurate than the Bible;

and that, in the course of another century, the log book of old Noah should be as current among historians, as

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures and

probabilities respecting the first discovery of this country, with which unhappy historians over load

themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to see these

laborious wights panting and toiling, and sweating under an enormous burthen, at the very outset of their

works, which on being opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by

unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this

country has been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon this point.

I shall not therefore stop to enquire, whether America was first discovered by a wandering ves sel of that

celebrated Phoenecian fleet, which, ac cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; or by that

Carthagenian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Isl ands; or whether

it was settled by a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Sene ca. I shall neither enquire

whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances, nor by the

Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn; nor by Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the

eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone to

America, and that for a plain reason if he did not go there, where else could he have gone? a question

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above mentioned, with a multitude of others, equal ly

satisfactory, I shall take for granted, the vulgar opinion that America was discovered on the 12th of October,

1492, by Christovallo Colon, a Geno ese, who has been clumsily nicknamed Columbus, but for what

reason I cannot discern. Of the voy ages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say no thing, seeing that they

are already sufficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this country should have been called

Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impa tience to

enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation that I will imme diately deliver it

into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular bred historian. No no

most curious and thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that goes before, and

nine times learned shall ye be, if ye read all that comes after) we have yet a world of work before us. Think

you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe, had nothing to do but go on shore and find a country

ready laid out and cultivated like a gar den, wherein they might revel at their ease? No such thing they

had forests to cut down, under wood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex plain, before I

permit you to range at random; but these difficulties, once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right

merrily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the

same manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain shrewd critics, to echo the sense this being

Shewing the great toil and contention which Philo sophers have had in peopling America. And how the

Aborigines came to be begotten by acci dent to the great satisfaction and relief of the author.

Bless us! what a hard life we historians have of it, who undertake to satisfy the doubts of the world!

Here have I been toiling and moiling through three pestiferous chapters, and my readers toiling and moiling

at my heels; up early and to bed late, poring over wormeaten, obsolete, good fornothing books, and

cultivating the acquaintance of a thousand learned authors, both ancient and modern, who, to tell the honest

truth, are the stu pidest companions in the world and after all, what have we got by it? Truly the

mighty valua ble conclusion, that this country does actually ex ist, and has been discovered; a selfevident

fact not worth a hap'worth of gingerbread. And what is worse, we seem just as far off from the city of New

York now, as we were at first. Now for my self, I would not care the value of a brass button, being used to

this dull and learned company; but I feel for my unhappy readers, who seem most woefully jaded and

Still, however, we have formidable difficulties to encounter, since it yet remains, if possible, to shew how this

country was originally peopled a point fruitful of incredible embarrassment, to us scrupulous historians,

but absolutely indispensable to our works. For unless we prove that the Abo rigines did absolutely come

from some where, it will be immediately asserted in this age of scepti cism, that they did not come at all;

and if they did not come at all, then was this country never popu lated a conclusion perfectly agreeable

to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must

syllogistically prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region.

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical annihilation so many millions of fellow crea tures,

how many wings of geese have been plun dered! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained! and

how many capacious heads of learn ed historians have been addled and forever con founded! I pause with

reverential awe, when I contemplate the ponderous tomes in different lan guages, with which they have

endeavoured to solve this question, so important to the happiness of so ciety, but so involved in clouds of

impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argument,

and after leading us a weary chace through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work,

just as wise as we were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild goose chace of the kind,

that made the old poet Macro bius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily,

as "an irksome ago nizing care, a superstitious industry about unprofit able things, an itching humour to

see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing when it is done."

But come my lusty readers, let us address our selves to our task and fall vigorously to work upon the

remaining rubbish that lies in our way; but I warrant, had master Hercules, in addition to his seven labours,

been given as an eighth to write a genuine American history, he would have been fain to abandon the

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original population of this country I shall say nothing, as they

have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The claimants next in cele brity, are the decendants of

Abraham. Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he first discovered the gold mines of

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Hispaniola immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done honour to a philosopher, that he

had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solo mon procured the gold for embellishing the tem ple at

Jerusalem; nay Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction,

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fas cinating extravagance, was too tempting not to be

immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learn ing, and accordingly, there were a host of profound

writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise surmises,

wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more clear Arius

Montanus without the least hesita tion asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers

of the country. While Possevin, Becan, and a host of other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of

the fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key stone of an arch, gives

Scarce however, have they completed their goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite

authors, with Hans de Laet the great Dutchman at their head, and at one blow, tumbles the whole fabric about

their ears. Hans in fact, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this country,

attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be

found in di vers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit the

worship of the true Deity. "A remark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, "made by all good authors who

have spoken of the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded besides on the authority of the fathers

Some writers again, among whom it is with great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and

Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Ca naanites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, were seized

with such a panic, that they fled without looking behind them, until stopping to take breath they found

themselves safe in Ame rica. As they brought neither their national lan guage, manners nor features, with

them, it is sup posed they left them behind in the hurry of their flight I cannot give my faith to this

I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro tius, who being both an ambassador and a Dutch man to

boot, is entitled to great respect; that North America, was peopled by a strolling com pany of Norwegians,

and that Peru was founded by a colonyfrom China Manco or Mungo Capac, the first Incas, being himself

a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely mention that father Kircher, ascribes the settlement of America to the

Egypti ans, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from

Friesland, Milius to the Celt�, Marinocus the Si cilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoenici ans,

Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of De Laet, that

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea that America is the fairy region of Zi pangri,

described by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the Venetian; or that it comprizes the vision ary island of

Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each

hemisphere of the globe was originally furnished with an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opinion of

Dr. Romayne sup ported by many nameless authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race or the startling

conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly ho nourable to mankind, and peculiarly

complimentary to the French nation, that the whole human species are accidentally descended from a

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the

clown in a pantomime, while gaz ing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once

electrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. Little did I think at such times, that

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it would ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that while I was quietly beholding these

grave philosophers, emulating the excentric transforma tions of the particoloured hero of pantomime, they

would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with one flourish of their conjectural wand,

metamorphose us into beasts! I determined from that moment not to burn my fingers with any more of their

theories, but content myself with detailing the different methods by which they transported the descendants of

these ancient and respectable mon keys, to this great field of theoretical warfare.

This was done either by migrations by land or transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph D' Acosta

enumerates three passages by land, first by the north of Europe, secondly by the north of Asia and thirdly by

regions southward of the straits of Ma gellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe gians by a pleasant

route across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Es totiland and Naremberga.

And various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn and Buffon, anxious for the acommodation of

these travellers, have fastened the two continents together by a strong chain of deductions by which means

they could pass over dry shod. But should even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman, who

compiles books and manufactures Geographies, and who erst flung away his wig and cane, frolicked like a

naughty boy, and committed a thousand etourderies, among the petites filles of Paris10 he I say, has

constructed a natural bridge of ice, from continent to continent, at the distance of four or five miles from

Behring's straits for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wander ing aborigines who ever

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy writers above quoted, could ever com mence his

work, without immediately declaring hos tilities against every writer who had treated of the same subject. In

this particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, which in build ing its nest, is sure to

pull to pieces the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. This unhappy pro pensity tends grievously to

impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle productions, and when once

committed to the stream, they should take care that like the notable pots which were fellow voyagers, they do

not crack each other. But this literary animosity is almost uncon querable. Even I, who am of all men the

most candid and liberal, when I sat down to write this authentic history, did all at once conceive an abso

lute, bitter and unutterable contempt, a strange and unimaginable disbelief, a wondrous and most ineffa ble

scoffing of the spirit, for the theories of the nu merous literati, who have treated before me, of this country. I

called them jolter heads, numsculls, dunderpates, dom cops, bottericks, domme jordans, and a thousand other

equally indignant appellations. But when I came to consider the matter coolly and dispassionately, my

opinion was altogether changed. When I beheld these sages gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and

discoursing thus wisely about matters forever hidden from their eyes, like a blind man describing the glories

of light, and the beauty and harmony of colours, I fell back in asto nishment at the amazing extent of human

If cried I to myself, these learned men can weave whole systems out of nothing, what would be their

productions were they furnished with substantial materials if they can argue and dispute thus in

geniously about subjects beyond their knowledge, what would be the profundity of their observations, did

they but know what they were talking about! Should old Radamanthus, when he comes to decide upon their

conduct while on earth, have the least idea of the usefulness of their labours, he will un doubtedly class

them with those notorious wise men of Gotham, who milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a velvet

My chief surprise is, that among the many wri ters I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this

country was peopled from the moon or that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white

bears cruize about the northern oceans or that they were conveyed here by balloons, as modern

�reconauts pass from Dover to Calais or by witch craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars or

after the manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who like the New England witches on fullblooded

broomsticks, made most unheard of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyper borean

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But there is still one mode left by which this country could have been peopled, which I have re served for

the last, because I consider it worth all the rest, it is by accident! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New

Guinea, and New Holland, the pro found father Charlevoix observes, "in fine, all these countries are

peopled, and it is possible, some have been so by accident. Now if it could have happened in that manner,

why might it not have been at the same time, and by the same means, with the other parts of the globe?" This

ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions from possible premises, is an im provement in syllogistic

skill, and proves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world without any thing to

rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another place,

demolishes the gordian knot "Nothing" says he, "is more easy. The inhabitants of both hemispheres are

certainly the descendants of the same father. The common father of mankind, received an express order from

Heaven, to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary to

overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have also been overcome!" Pious Logician! How does he put

all the herd of laborious theorists to the blush, by explaining in fair words, what it has cost them volumes to

They have long been picking at the lock, and fretting at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks the

door by bursting it open, and when he has it once ajar, he is at full liberty to pour in as many nations as he

pleases. This proves to a de monstration that a little piety is better than a cart load of philosophy, and is a

practical illustration of that scriptural promise "By faith ye shall move mountains."

From all the authorities here quoted, and a va riety of others which I have consulted, but which are omitted

through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader I can only draw the following conclusions, which luckily

however, are sufficient for my purpose First, That this part of the world has actually been peopled (Q. E.

D.) to support which, we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inha bit it. Secondly, That

it has been peopled in five hundred different ways, as proved by a cloud of au thors, who from the

positiveness of their assertions seem to have been eye witnesses to the fact Thirdly, That the people of this

country had a va riety of fathers, which as it may not be thought much to their credit by the common run of

readers, the less we say on the subject the better. The ques tion therefore, I trust, is forever at rest.

In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon which

not only delivers thousands of people from great embarrassment, but likewise con cludes this introductory

The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened unto an adventurous knight, who having undertaken

a perilous enterprize, by way of esta blishing his fame, feels bound in honour and chi valry, to turn back

for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail whatever enemy he may encounter. Under this

impression, I reso lutely draw my pen and fall to, with might and main, at those doughty questions and

subtle para doxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, and would

fain repulse me from the very threshold. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up, which I must

take by the beard and utterly subdue, before I can advance another step in my historick under taking but

I trust this will be the last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the next book, I shall be enabled

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, what right had the first discoverers of America to land, and

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take possession of a country, without asking the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate

My readers shall now see with astonishment, how easily I will vanquish this gigantic doubt, which has so

long been the terror of adventurous writers; which has withstood so many fierce as saults, and has given

such great distress of mind to multitudes of kindhearted folks. For, until this mighty question is totally put to

rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and

The first source of right, by which property is acquired in a country, is DISCOVERY. For as all mankind

have an equal right to any thing, which has never before been appropriated, so any nation, that discovers an

uninhabited country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full property, and absolute,

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that the Europeans who first visited Ame rica, were the

real discoverers of the same; nothing being necessary to the establishment of this fact, but simply to prove

that it was totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well

known, that this quarter of the world abounded with certain ani mals, that walked erect on two feet, had

something of the human countenance, uttered certain unintel ligible sounds, very much like language, in

short, had a marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the host of zealous and enlightened fathers, who

accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by establish ing fat

monasteries and bishopricks on earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his holiness the

They plainly proved, and as there were no In dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as

fully admitted and established, that the two legged race of animals before mentioned, were mere cannibals,

detestable monsters, and many of them giants a description of vagrants, that since the times of Gog,

Magog and Goliath, have been considered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either history, chivalry

or song; indeed, even the philosopher Bacon, declared the Ameri cans to be people proscribed by the laws

of nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacri ficing men, and feeding upon man's flesh.

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar barism: among many other writers of discernment, the

celebrated Ulloa tells us "their imbecility is so visible, that one can hardly form an idea of them different

from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insen sible to

disasters, and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his most splendid

array. Fear makes no impression on them, and respect as little." All this is fur thermore supported by the

authority of M. Bou guer. "It is not easy," says he, "to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth

and all its advantages. One does not well know what mo tives to propose to them when one would persuade

them to any service. It is vain to offer them mo ney, they answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas

confirms the whole, assuring us that "ambition, they have none, and are more desirous of being thought

strong, than valiant. The objects of ambition with us, honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts and distinctions

are unknown among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good and real

evil in the world has no power over them. In a word, these unhap py mortals may be compared to children,

Now all these peculiarities, though in the un enlightened states of Greece, they would have en titled their

possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to practice those rigid and abste mious maxims, the mere

talking about which, ac quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philosophers; yet were they

clearly proved in the present instance, to betoken a most abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the

human character. But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb

beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still stronger proofs; for as certain divines of the six teenth century,

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and among the rest Lullus affirm the Americans go naked, and have no beards! "They have nothing,"

says Lullus, "of the rea sonable animal, except the mask." And even that mask was allowed to avail them

but little, for it was soon found that they were of a hideous copper complexion and being of a copper

complexion, it was all the same as if they were negroes and ne groes are black, "and black" said the

pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "is the colour of the Devil!" Therefore so far from being able to

own property, they had no right even to personal free dom, for liberty is too radiant a deity, to inhabit such

gloomy temples. All which circumstances plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro,

that these miscreants had no title to the soil that they infested that they were a per verse, illiterate, dumb,

beardless, barebottomed blackseed mere wild beasts of the forests, and like them should either be

From the foregoing arguments therefore, and a host of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to

enumerate, it was clearly evident, that this fair quarter of the globe when first visited by Eu ropeans, was a

howling wilderness, inhabited by no thing but wild beasts; and that the transatlantic visitors acquired an

This right being fully established, we now come to the next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. "The

cultivation of the soil" we are told "is an obligation imposed by nature on man "kind. The whole world is

appointed for the "nourishment of its inhabitants; but it would be "incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated.

Every "nation is then obliged by the law of nature to "cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. "Those

people like the ancient Germans and mo "dern Tartars, who having fertile countries, disdain "to cultivate the

earth, and choose to live by rapine, "are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be ex "terminated as savage

Now it is notorious, that the savages knew no thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans,

but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, rambling from place to place, and prodigally

rioting upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her generosity to yield them any thing more;

whereas it has been most unquestionably shewn, that heaven intended the earth should be ploughed and

sown, and manured, and laid out into cities and towns and farms, and country seats, and pleasure grounds,

and public gardens, all which the Indians knew nothing about therefore they did not improve the talents

pro vidence had bestowed on them therefore they were careless stewards therefore they had no right

It is true the savages might plead that they drew all the benefits from the land which their sim ple wants

required they found plenty of game to hunt, which together with the roots and uncultivat ed fruits of the

earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal table; and that as heaven merely designed the earth to

form the abode, and satisfy the wants of man; so long as those purposes were answered, the will of heaven

was accomplished. But this only proves how undeserving they were of the blessings around them they

were so much the more savages, for not having more wants; for knowledge is in some degree an increase of

desires, and it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude of his desires, that distinguishes the man

from the beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreasonable animals; and it was

but just that they should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and therefore

would turn the earth to more account, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of heaven. Besides

Grotius and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff and Titius and a host of wise men besides, who have considered the

matter properly, have determined, that the proper ty of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cut ting

wood, or drawing water in it nothing but precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of cultivation,

can establish the possession. Now as the savages (probably from never having read the authors above quoted)

had never complied with any of these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right to the soil, but

that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge and more wants than

them selves who would portion out the soil, with chur lish boundaries; who would torture nature to

pam per a thousand fantastic humours and capricious appetites; and who of course were far more ra tional

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animals than themselves. In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country there fore, the new

comers were but taking possession of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own property

therefore in opposing them, the savages were invading their just rights, infringing the immutable laws of

nature and counteracting the will of heaven therefore they were guilty of im piety, burglary and trespass

on the case, therefore they were hardened offenders against God and man therefore they ought to be

But a more irresistible right then either that I have mentioned, and one which will be the most readily

admitted by my reader, provided he is blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right acquired

by civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in which these poor sa vages were found. Not only

deficient in the com forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to the

miseries of their si tuation. But no sooner did the benevolent inhabi tants of Europe behold their sad

condition than they immediately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among them the

comforts of life, consisting of rum, gin and brandy and it is astonish ing to read how soon the poor

savages learnt to es timate these blessings they likewise made known to them a thousand remedies, by

which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed, and that they might comprehend the benefits and

enjoy the comforts of these medicines, they previously introduced among them the diseases, which they were

calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other methods was the condition of these poor sa vages,

wonderfully improved; they acquired a thousand wants, of which they had before been ig norant, and as he

has most sources of happiness, who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much

But the most important branch of civilization, and which has most strenuously been extolled, by the zealous

and pious fathers of the Roman Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that

might well inspire horror, to behold these savages, stumbling among the dark mountains of paganism, and

guilty of the most hor rible ignorance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded, they were

sober, frugal, conti nent, and faithful to their word; but though they acted right habitually, it was all in vain,

unless they acted so from precept. The new comers therefore used every method, to induce them to embrace

But notwithstanding all these complicated la bours for their good, such was the unparalleled ob stinacy of

these stubborn wretches, that they ungrate fully refused, to acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors,

and persisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate; most inso lently alledging, that

from their conduct, the advo cates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it them selves. Was not this

too much forhum an patience? would not one suppose, that the foreign emigrants from Europe, provoked

at their incredulity and discouraged by their stiffnecked obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their

shores, and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery? But no so zealous were they to

effect the temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these pagan infi dels, that they even proceeded from the

milder means of persuasion, to the more painful and trou blesome one of persecution Let loose among

them, whole troops of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds purified them by fire and sword, by stake

and faggot; in consequence of which in defatigable measures, the cause of Christian love and charity were

so rapidly advanced, that in a very few years, not one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South

Nor did the other methods of civilization remain uninforced. The Indians improved daily and won derfully

by their intercourse with the whites. They took to drinking rum, and making bargains. They learned to cheat,

to lie, to swear, to gamble, to quarrel, to cut each others throats, in short, to ex cel in all the

accomplishments that had originally marked the superiority of their Christian visitors. And such a surprising

aptitude have they shewn for these acquirements, that there is very little doubt that in a century more,

provided they survive so long, the irrisistible effects of civilization; they will equal in knowledge, refinement,

knavery, and debauchery, the most enlightened, civilized and orthodox nations of Europe.

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What stronger right need the European settlers advance to the country than this. Have not whole nations of

uninformed savages been made acquaint ed with a thousand imperious wants and indispen sible comforts

of which they were before wholly ignorant Have they not been literally hunted and smoked out of the

dens and lurking places of igno rance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the right path. Have not

the temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to engage their

worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevolently taken from them; and have they not in lieu thereof, been

taught to set their affections on things above And finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in

a letter to his superior in Spain "Can any one have the "presumption to say, that these savage Pagans,

"have yielded any thing more than an inconsidera "ble recompense to their benefactors; in surren "dering to

them a little pitiful tract of this dirty "sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inhe "ritance in the

Here then are three complete and undeniable sources of right established, any one of which was more than

ample to establish a property in the newly discovered regions of America. Now, so it has happened in certain

parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of discovery has been so strenuously asserted the

influence of cultiva tion so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilization so

zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other

partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits the sa vage aborigines have, some how or

another, been utterly annihilated and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the

others put together For the original claimants to the soil bring all dead and buried, and no one remaining

to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards as the next immediate occupants entered upon the possession, as

clearly as the hangman succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor and as they have Blackstone,13 and all

the learned expounders of the law on their side, they may set all actions of ejectment at de fiance and this

last right may be entitled, the RIGHT BY EXTERMINATION, or in other words, the RIGHT BY

But lest any scruples of conscience should re main on this head, and to settle the question of right forever,

his holiness Pope Alexander VI, issued one of those mighty bulls, which bear down reason, argument and

every thing before them; by which he generously granted the newly discovered quarter of the globe, to the

Spaniards and Portuguese; who, thus having law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great

spiritual zeal, shewed the Pa gan savages neither favour nor affection, but prose cuted the work of

discovery, colonization, civiliza tion, and extermination, with ten times more fury than ever.

Thus were the European worthies who first dis covered America, clearly entitled to the soil; and not only

entitled to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so far, endured

so many perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other purpose under heaven but to

improve their forlorn, uncivilized and heathenish condition for having made them acquainted with the

comforts of life, such as gin, rum, brandy, and the smallpox; for having introduced among them the light of

religion, and finally for having hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward!

But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish mortals, as when it comes home to our selves, and

as I am particularly anxious that this question should be put to rest forever, I will sup pose a parallel case,

Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and by a

profound insight into that ineffable lunar phi losophy, the mere flickerings of which, have of late years,

dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our globe let us suppose, I

say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had arrived at such a com mand of their energies, such

an enviable state of perfectability, as to controul the elements, and navi gate the boundless regions of space.

Let us sup pose a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in the course of an �rial voyage of discovery

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And here I beg my readers will not have the impertinence to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile

readers, when perusing the grave specu lations of philosophers. I am far from indulging in any sportive vein

at present, nor is the supposi tion I have been making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very

serious and anxious ques tion with me, and many a time, and oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares

and contrivances for the welfare and protection of this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights,

debating in my mind whe ther it was most probable we should first discover and civilize the moon, or the

moon discover and civilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the

stars be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than was the European mystery of navigating

floating castles, through the world of waters, to the simple savages. We have already discovered the art of

coasting along the �rial shores of our planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had, of venturing along

their sea coasts in canoes; and the disparity between the former, and the �rial vehicles of the philosophers

from the moon, might not be greater, than that, between the bark canoes of the savages, and the mighty ships

of their discoverers. I might here pursue an endless chain of very curious, pro found and unprofitable

speculations; but as they would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he

To return then to my supposition let us sup pose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, pos sessed of

vastly superior knowledge to ourselves; that is to say, possessed of superior knowledge in the art of

extermination riding on Hypogriffs, de fended with impenetrable armour armed with concentrated

sun beams, and provided with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon stones: in short, let us suppose them, if

our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and consequently in power, as the

Europeans were to the Indians, when they first discovered them. All this is very possible, it is only our

selfsufficiency, that makes us think otherwise; and I warrant the poor savages, before they had any

knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as

per fectly convinced that they themselves, were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful and perfect of

created beings, as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of old England, the volatile popu lace

of France, or even the selfsatisfied citizens of this most enlightened republick.

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voya gers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howling

wilderness, inhabited by us, poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of

his most gracious and philosophic excel lency, the man in the moon. Finding however, that their numbers

are incompetent to hold it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants; they

shall take our worthy President, the King of England, the Empe ror of Hayti, the mighty little Bonaparte,

and the great King of Bantam, and returning to their na tive planet, shall carry them to court, as were the

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the

"Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose do minions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the

Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking glass and maintaineth unrivalled controul over tides, madmen and

seacrabs. We thy liege sub jects have just returned from a voyage of discovery, in the course of which we

have landed and taken possession of that obscure little scurvy planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a

distance. The five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into this august presence, were once very

important chiefs among their fellow savages; for the inha bitants of the newly discovered globe are totally

destitute of the common attributes of humanity, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders,

instead of under their arms have two eyes instead of one are utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety

of unseemly complexions, particu larly of a horrible whiteness whereas all the in habitants of the moon

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

We have moreover found these miserable sa vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity,

every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that

community of wives, enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded by the philoso phers of the moon. In a

word they have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses

and barbarians. Taking compassion therefore on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, we have

endeavour ed, while we remained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason and the

comforts of the moon. We have treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine and draughts of nitrous oxyde,

which they swallowed with incredible voracity, particular ly the females; and we have likewise endeavour

ed to instil into them the precepts of lunar Philoso phy. We have insisted upon their renouncing the

contemptable shackles of religion and common sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect

energy, and the extatic, immutable, im moveable perfection. But such was the unparallel ed obstinacy of

these wretched savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to their religion, and

absolutely set at naught the sub lime doctrines of the moon nay, among other abominable heresies they

even went so far as blasphemously to declare, that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor less

At these words, the great man in the moon (be ing a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible

passion, and possessing equal authority over things that do not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the

Pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, specifying, "That whereas a certain crew of Lunatics

have lately discovered and taken possession of that little dirty planet, called the carth and that whereas it is

inhabited by none but a race of two legged animals, that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of under

their arms; can not talk the lunatic language; have two eyes in stead of one; are destitute of tails, and of a

horri ble whiteness, instead of pea green therefore and for a variety of other excellent reasons they

are considered incapable of possessing any property in the planet they infest, and the right and title to it are

confirmed to its original discoverers. And fur thermore, the colonists who are now about to depart to the

aforesaid planet, are authorized and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from the

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They sieze

upon our fertile territories scourge us from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives, and when we

are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and say misera ble barbarians! ungrateful

wretches! have we not come thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet have we not fed you

with moon shine have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxyde does not our moon give you light

every night and have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits? But

finding that we not only persist in absolute contempt to their reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but

even go so far as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and they shall resort to

their superior powers of argument hunt us with hypogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sunbeams,

demolish our cities with moonstones; until having by main force, converted us to the true faith, they shall

graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen re gions of Lapland, there to enjoy

the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy in much the same manner as the reformed

and en lightened savages of this country, are kindly suf fered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of the

Thus have I clearly proved, and I hope strik ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the

possession of this country and thus is this gi gantic question, completely knocked in the head so

having manfully surmounted all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains but that I should

forthwith conduct my impatient and way worn readers, into the renowned city, which we have so long been

in a manner besieging. But hold, before I proceed another step, I must pause to take breath and recover

from the excessive fa tigue I have undergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate of histories. And in

this I do but imitate the example of the celebrated Hans Von Dunderbottom, who took a start of three miles

for the purpose of jumping over a hill, but having been himself out of breath by the time he reached the foot,

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

sat himself quietly down for a few moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. END OF BOOK

I. [11] Grotius. Puffendorf, b. 4. c. 4. Vattel, b. 1. c. 18. et alii. [12] Vattel B.i, ch. 17. See likewise

How Master Hendrick Hudson, voyaging in search of a northwest passage discovered the fa mous bay of

New York, and likewise the great river Mohegan and how he was magnificently rewarded by the

In the ever memorable year of our Lord 1609, on the five and twentieth day of March (O. S.) a fine

Saturday morning, when jocund Phoebus, hav ing his face newly washed, by gentle dews and spring time

showers, looked from the glorious win dows of the east, with a more than usually shining countenance

"that worthy and irrecoverable dis coverer, Master Henry Hudson" set sail from Hol land in a stout

vessel,14 called the Half Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, to seek a northwest

Of this celebrated voyage we have a narration still extant, written with true logbook brevity, by master

Robert Juet of Lime house, mate of the ves sel; who was appointed historian of the voyage, partly on

account of his uncommon literary talents, but chiefly, as I am credibly informed, because he was a

countryman and schoolfellow of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant and sailed chip

boats, when he was a little boy. I am enabled however to supply the deficiencies of mas ter Juet's journal, by

certain documents furnished me by very respectable Dutch families, as likewise by sundry family traditions,

handed down from my great great Grandfather, who accompanied the ex pedition in the capacity of cabin

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened in the voyage; and it morti fies me

exceedingly that I have to admit so noted an expedition into my work, without making any more of it. Oh!

that I had the advantages of that most authentic writer of yore, Apollonius Rhodius, who in his account of the

famous Argonautic expe dition, has the whole mythology at his disposal, and elevates Jason and his

compeers into heroes and demigods; though all the world knows them to have been a meer gang of sheep

stealers, on a marauding expedition or that I had the privileges of Dan Homer and Dan Virgil to enliven

my narra tion, with giants and Lystrigonians, to entertain our honest mariners with an occasional concert of

syrens and mermaids, and now and then with the rare shew of honest old Neptune and his fleet of frolicksome

cruisers. But alas! the good old times have long gone by, when your waggish deities would descend upon the

terraqueous globe, in their own proper persons, and play their pranks, upon its wondering inhabitants.

Neptune has pro claimed an embargo in his dominions, and the sturdy tritons, like disbanded sailors, are out

of em ploy, unless old Charon has charitably taken them into his service, to sound their conchs, and ply as

his ferrymen. Certain it is, no mention has been made of them by any of our modern navigators, who are not

behind their ancient predecessors in tampering with the marvellous nor has any notice been taken of them,

in that most minute and au thentic chronicle of the seas, the New York Gazette edited by Solomon Lang.

Even Castor and Pol lux, those flaming meteors that blaze at the mast head of tempest tost vessels, are

rarely beheld in these degenerate days and it is but now and then, that our worthy sea captains fall in with

that por tentous phantom of the seas, that terror to all expe rienced mariners, that shadowy spectrum of the

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BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants. 27

Suffice it then to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil the crew being a patient people, much given

to slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the disease of thinking a malady of the mind, which is

the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour crout, and every man was

allowed to sleep quietly at his post, unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight dis satisfaction was shewn

on two or three occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Commodore Hudson. Thus for instance, he

forbore to shorten sail when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which was considered among the

most experienced dutch seamen, as certain weather breeders, or prog nostics, that the weather would change

for the worse. He acted, moreover, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule of the dutch

navigators, who always took in sail at night put the helm aport, and turned in by which precaution

they had a good night's rest were sure of knowing where they were the next morning, and stood but little

chance of running down a continent in the dark. He like wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more than

five jackets, and six pair of breeches, under pre tence of rendering them more alert; and no man was

permitted to go aloft, and hand in sails, with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invariable Dutch cus tom, at the

present day All these grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment, the constitu tional tranquillity

of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression; they eat hugely, drank profusely, and slept

immeasurably, and being under the especial guidance of providence, the ship was safely conducted to the

coast of America; where, after sundry unimportant touchings and standings off and on, she at length, on the

fourth day of Sep tember entered that majestic bay, which at this day expands its ample bosom, before the

True it is and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain aprocryphal book of voyages, com piled by

one Hacluyt, is to be found a letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which

some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous

to the voyage of the enterprizing Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very

judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons First,

Because on strict examination it will be found, that the description given by this Verazzani, applies about as

well to the bay of New York, as it does to my night cap Secondly, Because that this John Verazzani, for

whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence; and every body knows the crafty

wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels, from the arms of the immortal Colon,

(vul garly called Columbus) and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci and I

make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson, of the credit of discovering this beauteous

island, adorned by the city of New York, and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America.

And thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his

expedition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprize and though all the proofs in

the world were introduced on the other side, I would set them at naught as undeserving my attention. If these

three reasons are not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city all I can say is, they are

degenerate descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of convincing.

Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick Hudson, to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated.

It has been traditionary in our family, that when the great navigator was first blessed with a view of this

enchanting island, he was observed, for the first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of

astonishment and admiration. He is said to have turned to master Juet, and uttered these remarkable words,

while he pointed towards this paradise of the new world "see! there!" and thereupon, as was always his

way when he was uncommonly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of dense tobacco smoke, that in one

minute the ves sel was out of sight of land, and master Juet was fain to wait, until the winds dispersed this

It was indeed as my great great grandfather used to say though in truth I never heard him, for he died,

as might be expected, before I was born. "It was indeed a spot, on which the eye might have revelled

forever, in ever new and never ending beauties." The island of Mannahata, spread wide before them, like

some sweet vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled

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BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants. 28

gently one above another, crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth; some pointing their tapering foliage

to wards the clouds, which were gloriously transpa rent; and others, loaded with a verdant burthen of

clambering vines, bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered with flowers. On the gentle declivities

of the hills were scattered in gay profusion, the dog wood, the sumach, and the wild briar, whose scarlet

berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among the deep green of the sur rounding foliage; and here and

there, a curling column of smoke rising from the little glens that opened along the shore, seemed to promise

the weary voyagers, a welcome at the hands of their fellow creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced

attention on the scene before them, a red man crowned with feathers, issued from one of these glens, and after

contemplating in silent wonder, the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan swim ming on a silver lake,

sounded the warwhoop, and bounded into the woods, like a wild deer, to the utter astonishment of the

phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in their whole lives.

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes, and eat

dried currants; how they brought great store of tobacco and oysters; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and

how he was buried, I shall say nothing, being that I consider them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a

few days in the bay, in order to smoke their pipes and refresh them selves after their seafaring, our

voyagers weighed anchor, and adventurously ascended a mighty river which emptied into the bay. This river

it is said was known among the savages by the name of the Shate muck; though we are assured in an

excellent little history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent. that it was called the Mohegan,15 and

master Richard Bloome, who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same so that I very much incline in

favour of the opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, the river is at present denominated the

Hudson; and up this stream the shrewd Hen drick had very little doubt he should discover the much looked

The journal goes on to make mention of divers interviews between the crew and the natives, in the voyage up

the river, but as they would be imperti nent to my history, I shall pass them over in si lence, except the

following dry joke, played off by the old commodore and his schoolfellow Robert Juet; which does such

vast credit to their experi mental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from in serting it. "Our master and his

mate determined to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey, whe ther they had any treacherie in them. So

they tooke them downe into the cabin and gave them so much wine and acqua vit� that they were all mer

rie; and one of them had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey women would do

in a strange place. In the end, one of them was drunke, which had been aboarde of our ship all the time that

we had beene there, and that was strange to them, for they could not tell how to take it."16

Having satisfied himself by this profound ex periment, that the natives were an honest, social race of jolly

roysters, who had no objection to a drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups, the old commodore

chuckled hugely to himself, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his cheek, directed master Juet to have

it carefully recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural philosophers of the university of Leyden which

done, he pro ceeded on his voyage, with great selfcomplacency. After sailing, however, above an hundred

miles up the river, he found the watery world around him, began to grow more shallow and confined, the

cur rent more rapid and perfectly fresh phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of rivers, but which

puzzled the honest dutchmen prodigiously. A consultation of our modern Argonauts was there fore called,

and having deliberated full six hours, they were brought to a determination, by the ship's running aground

whereupon they unanimously concluded, that there was but little chance of get ting to China in this

direction. A boat, however, was dispatched to explore higher up the river, which on its return, confirmed the

opinion upon this the ship was warped off and put about, with great difficulty, being like most of her sex,

exceed ingly hard to govern; and the adventurous Hud son, according to the account of my great great

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting to China, unless like the blind man, he re turned

from whence he sat out and took a fresh start; he forthwith recrossed the sea to Holland, where he was

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BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants. 29

received with great welcome by the honourable EastIndia company, who were very much rejoiced to see

him come back safe with their ship; and at a large and respectable meeting of the first merchants and

burgomasters of Amster dam, it was unanimously determined, that as a mu nificent reward for the eminent

services he had performed, and the important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan should be

called after his name! and it continues to be called Hud son river unto this very day.

[15] This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhat tan Noordt Montaigne and Mauritius

Containing an account of a mighty Ark which float ed, under the protection of St. Nicholas, from Holland to

Gibbet Island the descent of the strange Animals therefrom a great victory, and a description of the

The delectable accounts given by the great Hudson, and Master Juet, of the country they had discovered,

excited not a little talk and speculation among the good people of Holland. Letters patent were granted by

government to an association of merchants, called the WestIndia company, for the exclusive trade on

Hudson river, on which they erected a trading house called Fort Aurania, or Orange, at present the superb and

hospitable city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various commercial and colonizing enterprizes which

took place; among which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a name to Block

Island, since famous for its cheese and shall bare ly confine myself to that, which gave birth to this

It was some three or four years after the return of the immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest, well meaning,

copper headed, low dutch colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam, for the shores of America. It is an

irreparable loss to history, and a great proof of the darkness of the age, and the lamentable neglect of the

noble art of book making, since so industriously cultivated by know ing seacaptains, and spruce

supercargoes, that an expedition so interesting and important in its re sults, should have been passed over

in utter silence. To my great great grandfather am I again indebted, for the few facts, I am enabled to give

concerning it he having once more embarked for this country, with a full determination, as he said, of

ending his days here and of begetting a race of Knicker bockers, that should rise to be great men in the

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or Good Woman, in

compliment to the wife of the President of the West India Company, who was allowed by every body (except

her husband) to be a singularly sweet tempered lady, when not in liquor. It was in truth a gallant vessel, of the

most approved dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship carpen ters of Amsterdam, who it is well

known, always model their ships after the fair forms of their coun try women. Accordingly it had one

hundred feet in the keel, one hundred feet in the beam, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the stern

post, to the tafforel. Like the beauteous model, who was declared the greatest belle in Amsterdam, it was full

in the bows, with a pair of enormous catheads, a copper bottom, and withal, a most prodigious poop!

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as

Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which hea thenish abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfortunes

and shipwrack of many a noble vessel) he I say, on the contrary, did laudably erect for a head, a goodly

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a low, broad brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe

that reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, like a

majestic goose, out of the harbour of the great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells, that were not otherwise

My great great grandfather remarks, that the voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for being under the

especial care of the everrevered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qua lities,

unknown to common vessels. Thus she made as much leeway as headway, could get along very nearly as

fast with the wind ahead, as when it was apoop and was particularly great in a calm; in consequence of

which singular advantages, she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very few months, and came to anchor

Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village,

pleasantly embowered in a grove of spread ing elms, and the natives all collected on the beach, gazing in

stupid admiration at the Goede Vrouw. A boat was immediately dispatched to enter into a treaty with them,

and approaching the shore, hailed them through a trumpet, in the most friendly terms; but so horribly

confounded were these poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth sound of the low dutch language, that

they one and all took to their heels, scampered over the Bergen hills, nor did they stop until they had buried

themselves, head and ears, in the marshes, on the other side, where they all miserably perished to a man

and their bones being collected, and decently covered by the Tam many Society of that day, formed that

singular mound, called Rattlesnakehill, which rises out of the centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east

Animated by this unlookedfor victory our valiant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the

soil as conquerors in the name of their High Mightinesses the lords states general, and march ing fearlessly

forward, carried the village of Com munipaw by storm having nobody to withstand them, but some half

a score of old squaws, and poppooses, whom they tortured to death with low dutch. On looking about them

they were so transported with the excellencies of the place, that they had very little doubt, the blessed St.

Nicholas, had guided them thither, as the very spot whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the soil

was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles; the swamps and marshes around them afforded ample

opportunities for the constructing of dykes and dams; the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable

to the building of docks in a word, this spot abounded with all the singular inconveniences, and aquatic

obstacles, necessary for the foundation of a great dutch city. On making a faithful re port therefore, to the

crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined that this was the des tined end of their voyage.

Accordingly they de scended from the Goede Vrouw, men women and children, in goodly groups, as did the

animals of yore from the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving settlement, which they called by the

As all the world is perfectly acquainted with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of

it in the present work; but my readers will please to recollect, that notwithstanding it is my chief desire to

improve the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and have to consult the understanding and curiosity

of some half a score of centuries yet to come; by which time perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history,

the great Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh and other great cities, might be perfectly extinct

sunk and forgotten in its own mud its inhabitants turned into oysters,18 and even its situation a fertile

subject of learned controversy and hardhead ed investigation among indefatigable historians. Let me then

piously rescue from oblivion, the humble reliques of a place, which was the egg from whence was hatched

Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasantly situated among rural scenery, on that beauteous part

of the Jersey shore which was known in ancient legends by the name of Pavonia, and commands a grand

prospect of the superb bay of New York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

have a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well known fact, which I can testify

from my own experience, that on a clear still summer evening, you may hear, from the battery of New York,

the obstreperous peals of broadmouthed laughter of the dutch negroes at Communipaw, who, like most

other negroes, are famous for their risible powers. This is peculiarly the case on Sun day evenings; when, it

is remarked by an ingenious and observant philosopher, who has made great discoveries in the

neighbourhood of this city, that they always laugh loudest which he attributes to the circumstance of their

These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, and being

infinitely more adventurous and more knowing than their masters, carry on all the foreign trade; making

frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk and cabbages. They are great astrologers,

predicting the different changes of weather almost as accurately as an al manack they are moreover

exquisite performers on three stringed fiddles: in whistling they almost boast the farfamed powers of Orpheus

his lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plow or in the waggon, will budge a foot until he

hears the well known whistle of his black driver and companion. And from their amazing skill at casting

up accounts upon their fingers, they are re garded with as much veneration as were the disci ples of

As to the honest dutch burghers of Communi paw, like wise men, and sound philosophers, they never look

beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of their immediate neighbourhood; so that

they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties and revolutions, of this distracted

planet. I am even told that many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which they have heard so

much from tradition, is situated somewhere on LongIsland that Spikingdevil and the Narrows are the

two ends of the world that the country is still under the dominion of their high mightinesses, and that the

city of New York still goes by the name of Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet every saturday after noon, at the

only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign, a square headed likeness of the prince of Orange; where they

smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the

success of admiral Von Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the Bri tish channel, with a broom at his

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities,

which are so many strong holds and fast nesses, whither the primitive manners of our dutch forefathers have

retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and scrupulous strict ness. The dress of the original

settlers is handed down inviolate, from father to son the identical broad brimmed hat, broad skirted coat

and broad bottomed breeches, continue from generation to generation, and several gigantic knee buckles of

massy silver, are still in wear, that made such gal lant display in the days of the patriarchs of Com

munipaw. The language likewise, continues una dulterated by barbarous innovations; and so criti cally

correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialect, that his reading of a low dutch psalm, has much the same

[17] So called, because one Joseph Andrews, a pirate and murderer, was hanged in chains on that Island, the

In which is set forth the true art of making a bar gain, together with a miraculous escape of a great

Metropolis in a fog and how certain adventurers departed from Communipaw on a perilous colonizing

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Having, in the trifling digression with which I concluded my last chapter, discharged the filial du ty, which

the city of New York owes to Communi paw, as being the mother settlement; and having given a faithful

picture of it as it stands at present, I return, with a soothing sentiment of selfappro bation, to dwell upon its

early history. The crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh importations from Holland, the

settlement went jollily on, encreasing in magnitude and prosperity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time

became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the dutch lan guage, and an intercourse gradually took place

be tween them and the new comers. The Indians were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to long

silence in this particular therefore, they ac commodated each other completely. The chiefs would make

long speeches about the big bull, the wabash and the great spirit, to which the others would listen very

attentively, smoke their pipes and grunt yah mynher whereat the poor savages were wonderously

delighted. They instructed the new settlers in the best art of curing and smoking to bacco, while the latter in

return, made them drunk with true Hollands and then learned them the art of making bargains.

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened: the dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and

purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable table of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a dutchman

weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians were often puzzled at the great

disproportion between bulk and weight, for let them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a

dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was sure to kick the beam never was a package of

This is a singular fact but I have it direct from my great great grandfather, who had risen to considerable

importance in the colony, being pro moted to the office of weigh master, on account of the uncommon

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were

comprehended under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, no doubt, of their great resemblance

to the Dutch Netherlands ex cepting that the former were rugged and moun tainous, and the latter level

and marshy. About this time the tranquility of the dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary

interruption. In 1614, captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a commission from Dale, governor of Virginia,

visit ed the dutch settlements on Hudson river, and de manded their submission to the English crown and

Virginian dominion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to resist it, they sub mitted

It does not appear that the valiant Argal mo lested the settlement of Communipaw; on the con trary, I am

told that when his vessel first hove in sight the worthy burghers were seized with such a panic, that they fell

to smoking their pipes with as tonishing vehemence; insomuch that they quickly raised a cloud, which

combining with the surround ing woods and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their beloved

village; and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia So that the terrible cap tain Argal passed on, totally

unsuspicious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this

pestilent vapour. In commemoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have continued to smoke,

almost without intermission, unto this very day; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog that often

Upon the departure of the enemy, our magna nimous ancestors took full six months to recover their wind,

having been exceedingly discomposed by the consternation and hurry of affairs. They then called a council of

safety to smoke over the state of the province. After six months more of mature deliberation, during which

nearly five hun dred words were spoken, and almost as much to bacco was smoked, as would have served

a certain modern general through a whole winter's campaign of hard drinking, it was determined, to fit out an

armament of canoes, and dispatch them on a voyage of discovery; to search if peradventure some more sure

and formidable position might not be found, where the colony would be less subject to vexatious visitations.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

This perilous enterprize was entrusted to the superintendance of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kort landt, Abraham

Hardenbroek, Jacobus Van Zandt and Weinant Ten Broek four indubitably great men, but of whose

history, though I have made di ligent enquiry, I can learn but little, previous to their leaving Holland. Nor

need this occasion much surprize; for adventurers, like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have

seldom much celebrity in their own countries; but this much is certain, that the overflowings and offscour

ings of a country, are invariably composed of the richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot help remarking

how convenient it would be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could they have

the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was involv ed in obscurity, modestly

announced themselves descended from a god and who never visited a foreign country, but what they told

some cock and bull stories, about their being kings and princes at home. This venial trespass on the truth,

though it has occasionally been played off by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner,

in our land of good natured credulity, has been completely discountenanced in this sceptical, matter of fact

age And I even question whether any ten der virgin, who was accidentally and unaccountably enriched

with a bantling, would save her character at parlour firesides and evening teaparties, by as cribing the

Thus being totally denied the benefit of mytho logy and classic fable, I should have been complete ly at a

loss as to the early biography of my heroes, had not a gleam of light been thrown upon their origin from their

By this simple means have I been enabled to gather some particulars, concerning the adventurers in question.

Van Kortlandt for instance, was one of those peripatetic philosophers, who tax providence for a livelihood,

and like Diogenes, enjoy a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine. He was usually arrayed in garments

suitable to his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangled by the hand of time; and was helmeted with an old

fragment of a hat which had acquired the shape of a sugar loaf; and so far did he carry his contempt for the

adventitious distinction of dress, that it is said, the remnant of a shirt, which covered his back, and dangled

like a pocket handkerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed, except by the bountiful showers

of heaven. In this garb was he usually to be seen, sunning himself at noon day, with a herd of philosophers of

the same sect, on the side of the great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility of Europe, he took his name of

Kort landt (or lack land) from his landed estate, which lay some where in Terra incognita.

Of the next of our worthies, might I have had the benefit of mythological assistance, the want of which I have

just lamented I should have made honourable mention, as boasting equally illustrious pedigree, with the

proudest hero of antiquity. His name was Van Zandt, which freely translated, signifies from the dirt, meaning,

beyond a doubt, that like Triptolemus, Themis the Cyclops and the Titans, he sprung from dame Terra or

the earth! This supposition is strongly corroborated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of

mother earth were of a gigantic stature; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall rawboned man, above six feet

high with an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more

improbable or repugnant to belief, than what is related and universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or

rather richest men; who we are told, with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dunghill!

Of the third hero, but a faint description has reached to this time, which mentions, that he was a sturdy,

obstinate, burley, bustling little man; and from being usually equipped with an old pair of buckskins, was

Ten Broek completed this junto of adventurers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not

scrupulous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incompatible

with the gravity and dignity of my history, that this worthy gentleman should likewise have been nicknamed

from the most whimsical part of his dress. In fact the small clothes seems to have been a very important

garment in the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing in all probability to its really being the largest article of

raiment among them. The name of Ten Broek, or Tin Broek is indifferently trans lated into Ten Breeches

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

and Tin Breeches the high dutch commentators incline to the former opinion; and ascribe it to his being

the first who introduced into the settlement the ancient dutch fa shion of wearing ten pair of breeches. But

the most elegant and ingenious writers on the subject, declare in favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches; from

whence they infer, that he was a poor, but merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the soundest, and

who was the identical author of that truly philosophical stanza: "Then why should we quarrel for riches,

Such was the gallant junto that fearlessly set sail at the head of a mighty armament of canoes, to explore the

yet unknown country about the mouth of the Hudson and heaven seemed to shine pro pitious on their

It was that delicious season of the year, when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old winter, like a

blooming damsel, from the tyranny of a sordid old hunks of a father, threw herself blushing with ten thousand

charms, into the arms, of youthful spring. Every tufted copse and bloom ing grove resounded with the notes

of hymeneal love; the very insects as they sipped the morning dew, that gemmed the tender grass of the

meadows, lifted up their little voices to join the joyous epi thalamium the virgin bud timidly put forth its

blushes, and the heart of man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh sweet Theocritus! had I thy oaten reed,

wherewith thou erst didst charm the gay Sicilian plains; or oh gentle Bion! thy pas toral pipe, in which the

happy swains of the Les bian isle so much delighted; then would I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or

negligent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene But having nothing but this jaded goose quill,

wherewith to wing my flight, I must fain content myself to lay aside these poetic disportings of the fancy and

pursue my faithful nar rative in humble prose comforting myself with the reflection, that though it may

not commend itself so sweetly to the imagination of my reader, yet will it insinuate itself with virgin

modesty, to his better judgment, clothed as it is in the chaste and simple garb of truth.

In the joyous season of spring then, did these hardy adventurers depart on this eventful expedi tion, which

only wanted another Virgil to rehearse it, to equal the oft sung story of the Eneid Many adventures did

they meet with and divers bitter mishaps did they sustain, in their wanderings from Communipaw to oyster

Island from oyster Is land to gibbet island, from gibbet island to governors island, and from governors

island through butter milk channel, (a second streights of Pylorus) to the Lord knows where; until they came

very nigh being ship wrecked and lost forever, in the tremen dous vortexes of Hell gate,19 which for terrors,

and frightful perils, might laugh old Scylla and Charybdis to utter scorn In all which cruize they

encountered as many Lystrigonians and Cyclops and Syrens and unhappy Didos, as did ever the pious Eneas,

At length, after wandering to and fro, they were attracted by the transcendant charms of a vast island, which

lay like a gorgeous stomacher, divi ding the beauteous bosom of the bay, and to which the numerous mighty

islands among which they had been wandering, seemed as so many foils and appendages. Hither they bent

their course, and old Neptune, as if anxious to assist in the choice of a spot, whereon was to be founded a city

that should serve as his strong hold in this western world, sent half a dozen potent billows, that rolled the

canoes of our voyagers, high and dry on the very point of the island, where at present stands the delectable

The original name of this beautiful island is in some dispute, and has already undergone a vitiation, which is

a proof of the melancholy instability of sublunary things, and of the industrious perversions of modern

orthographers. The name which is most current among the vulgar (such as members of assembly and bank

directors) is Manhattan which is said to have originated from a custom among the squaws, in the early

settlement, of wear ing men's wool hats, as is still done among many tribes. "Hence," we are told by an old

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

governor, somewhat of a wag, who flourished almost a cen tury since, and had paid a visit to the wits of

Phi ladelphia "Hence arose the appellation of Man haton, first given to the Indians, and afterwards to

Among the more ancient authorities which de serve very serious consideration, is that contained in the

valuable history of the American possessions, written by master Richard Blome in 1687, where in it is

called Manhadaes, or Manahanent; nor must I forget the excellent little book of that au thentic historian,

But an authority still more ancient, and still more deserving of credit, because it is sanctioned by the

countenance of our venerated dutch ances tors, is that founded on certain letters still ex tant, which passed

between the early governors, and their neighbour powers; wherein it is vari ously called the Monhattoes,

Munhatos and Manhat toes an unimportant variation, occasioned by the literati of those days having a

great contempt for those spelling book and dictionary researches, which form the sole study and ambition of

so many learn ed men and women of the present times. This name is said to be derived from the great Indian

spirit Manetho, who was supposed to have made this island his favourite residence, on account of its

uncommon delights. But the most venerable and indisputable authority extant, and one on which I place

implicit confidence, because it confers a name at once melodious, poetical and significant, is that furnished

by the before quoted journal of the voyage of the great Hudson, by Master Juet; who clearly and correctly

calls it Mannahata that is to say, the island of Manna; or in other words "a land flowing with milk

[19] This is a fearful combination of rocks and whirlpools, in the sound above New York, dangerous to ships

unless under the care of a skillful pilot. Certain wise men who instruct these modern days have softened this

characterestic name into Hurl gate, on what authority, I leave them to explain. The name as given by our au

thor is supported by Ogilvie's History of America published 1671, as also by a journal still extant, written in

the 16th century, and to be found in Hazard's state papers. The original name, as laid down in all the Dutch

manuscripts and maps, was Helle gat, and an old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations in

names about this city observes "De Helle gat trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell gate, Porte d'Enfer." Printer's

In which are contained divers very sound reasons why a man should not write in a hurry: to gether with the

building of New Amsterdam, and the memorable dispute of Mynheers Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches

My great grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanus Van Clattercop, when employed to build the large

stone church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred yards to your left, after you turn off from the

Boomkeys, and which is so con veniently constructed, that all the zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer

sleeping through a sermon there, to any other church in the city My great grandfather, I say, when

employed to build that famous church, did in the first place send to Delft for a box of long pipes; then having

purchased a new spitting box and a hundred weight of the best Virginia, he sat himself down, and did nothing

for the space of three months, but smoke most labo riously. Then did he spend full three months more in

trudging on foot, and voyaging in Trek schuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam to Delft to Haerlem

to Leyden to the Hague, knocking his head and breaking his pipe, against every church in his road. Then

did he advance gradually, nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in full sight of the identical spot,

whereon the church was to be built. Then did he spend three months longer in walking round it and round it;

contem plating it, first from one point of view, and then from another now would he be paddled by it on

the canal now would he peep at it through a tele scope, from the other side of the Meuse, and now would

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

he take a bird's eye glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic wind mills, which protect the gates of

the city. The good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience notwithstanding all

the turmoil of my great grand father, not a symptom of the church was yet to be seen; they even began to

fear it would never be brought into the world, but that its great projector would lie down, and die in labour, of

the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having occupied twelve good months in puffing and paddling,

and talking and walking having travelled over all Hol land, and even taken a peep into France and Ger

many having smoked five hundred and ninetynine pipes, and three hundred weight of the best Virginia

tobacco; my great grandfather gathered together all that knowing and industrious class of citizens, who prefer

attending to any body's business sooner than their own, and having pulled off his coat and five pair of

breeches, he advanced sturdily up, and laid the corner stone of the church, in the presence of the whole

In a similar manner and with the example of my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in

writing this most authentic history. The honest Rotterdammers no doubt thought my great grandfather was

doing nothing at all to the purpose, while he was making such a world of prefatory bustle, about the building

of his church and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this fair city, (whose intellects have been thrice

stimulated and quickened, by transcendant nitrous oxyde, as were those of Chrysippus, with hellebore,) will

unquestionably suppose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery, population and final settlement

of America, were totally irrelevant and superfluous and that the main business, the history of New York,

is not a jot more advanced, than if I had never taken up my pen. Never were wise people more mistaken in

their conjectures; in con sequence of going to work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my

grandfather's hands, one of the most sumptuous, goodly and glorious edifices in the known world

excepting, that, like our transcendant capital at Washington, it was began on such a grand scale, the good

In the same manner do I prognosticate, if ever I am enabled to finish this history, (of which in simple truth, I

often have my doubts,) that it will be handed down to posterity, the most complete, faithful, and critically

constructed work that ever was read the delight of the learned, the ornament of libraries, and a model for

all future historians. There is nothing that gives such an expansion of mind, as the idea of writing for

posterity And had Ovid, Herodotus, Polybius or Tacitus, like Mo ses from the top of Mount Pisgah,

taken a view of the boundless region over which their offspring were destined to wander like the good old

I hear some of my captious readers questioning the correctness of my arrangement but I have no patience

with these continual interruptions never was historian so pestered with doubts and queries, and such a

herd of discontented quidnunes! if they continue to worry me in this manner, I shall never get to the end of

my work. I call Apollo and his whole seraglio of muses to witness, that I pursue the most approved and

fashionable plan of modern historians; and if my readers are not pleased with my matter, and my manner, for

God's sake let them throw down my work, take up a pen and write a history to suit themselves for my part

I am weary of their incessant interruptions, and beg once for all, that I may have no more of them.

The island of Mannahata, Manhattoes, or as it is vulgarly called Manhattan, having been discover ed, as

was related in the last chapter; and being unanimously pronounced by the discoverers, the fairest spot in the

known world, whereon to build a city, that should surpass all the emporiums of Eu rope, they immediately

returned to Communipaw with the pleasing intelligence. Upon this a consi derable colony was forthwith

fitted out, who after a prosperous voyage of half an hour, arrived at Manna hata, and having previously

purchased the land of the Indians, (a measure almost unparalleled in the annals of discovery and colonization)

they set tled upon the southwest point of the island, and fortified themselves strongly, by throwing up a

mud battery, which they named Fort Amsterdam. A number of huts soon sprung up in the neighbour hood,

to protect which, they made an enclosure of strong pallisadoes. A creek running from the East river, through

what at present is called White hall street, and a little inlet from Hudson river to the bowling green formed

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

the original boundarles; as though nature had kindly designated the cradle, in which the embryo of this

renowned city was to be nestled. The woods on both sides of the creek were carefully cleared away, as well

as from the space of ground now occupied by the bowling green. These precautions were taken to protect

the fort from either the open attacks or insidious advances of its savage neighbours, who wandered in hordes

about the forests and swamps that extended over those tracts of country, at present called broad way, Wall

No sooner was the colony once planted, than like a luxuriant vine, it took root and throve ama zingly; for it

would seem, that this thrice favoured island is like a munificent dung hill, where every thing finds kindly

nourishment, and soon shoots up and expands to greatness. The thriving state of the settlement, and the

astonishing encrease of houses, gradually awakened the leaders from a profound lethargy, into which they

had fallen, after having built their mud fort. They began to think it was high time some plan should be

devised, on which the encreasing town should be built; so taking pipe in mouth, and meeting in close divan,

At the very outset of the business, an unex pected difference of opinion arose, and I mention it with regret,

as being the first internal altercation on record among the new settlers. An ingenious plan was proposed by

Mynheer Ten Broek to cut up and intersect the ground by means of canals; after the manner of the most

admired cities in Hol land; but to this Mynheer Hardenbroek was dia metrically opposed; suggesting in

place thereof, that they should run out docks and wharves, by means of piles driven into the bottom of the

river, on which the town should be built By this means said he triumphantly, shall we rescue a considera

ble space of territory from these immense rivers, and build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any

amphibious city in Europe. To this propo sition, Ten Broek (or Ten breeches) replied, with a look of as

much scorn as he could possibly as sume. He cast the utmost censure upon the plan of his antagonist, as

being preposterous, and against the very order of things, as he would leave to every true hollander. "For

what;" said he, "is a town without canals? it is like a body without veins and arteries, and must perish for

want of a free circulation of the vital fluid" Tough breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon

his an tagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry boned habit of body; he remarked that as to the circu

lation of the blood being necessary to existence, Mynheer Ten breeches was a living contradiction to his own

assertion; for every body knew there had not a drop of blood circulated through his wind dried carcass for

good ten years, and yet there was not a greater busy body in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom

much effect in making converts in argument nor have I ever seen a man convinced of error, by being

convicted of deformity. At least such was not the case at present. Ten Breeches was very acrimonious in

reply, and Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word, rejoined with

encreasing spirit Ten Breeches had the ad vantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breech es had

that invaluable coat of mail in argument called obstinacy Ten Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle,

but Tough Breeches the best bottom so that though Ten Breeches made a dreadful clatter ing about his

ears, and battered and belaboured him with hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on

most resolutely to the last. They parted therefore, as is usual in all ar guments where both parties are in the

right, with out coming to any conclusion but they hated each other most heartily forever after, and a

similar breach with that between the houses of Capulet and Montague, had well nigh ensued between the

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful histo rian,

requires that I should be particular and in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period, when our city,

like a young twig, first received the twists and turns, that have since contributed to give it the present

picturesque irregularity for which it is celebrated, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes.

After the unhappy altercation I have just men tioned, I do not find that any thing further was said on the

subject, worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the community,

met regularly once a week, to ponder on this momentous subject. But either they were deterred by the war

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

of words they had witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the ex ercise of the tongue, and the

consequent exercise of the brains certain it is, the most profound si lence was maintained the question

as usual lay on the table the members quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without ever

enforcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of the settlement went on as it pleased God.

As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery of combining pot hooks and hangers, they

determined most judiciously not to puzzle either themselves or posterity, with voluminous records. The

secretary however, kept the minutes of each meeting with tolerable precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened

with massy brass clasps, with a sight of which I have been politely favoured by my highly respected friends,

the Goelets, who have this invaluable relique, at present in their possession. On perusal, however, I do not

find much informa tion The journal of each meeting consists but of two lines, stating in dutch, that, "the

council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs of the colony." By which it appears that the

first settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they measure distances in

Hol land at this very time; an admirably exact mea surement, as a pipe in the mouth of a genuine dutchman

is never liable to those accidents and irregularities, that are continually putting our clocks out of order.

In this manner did the profound council of New Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to

week, month to month, and year to year, in what manner they should construct their infant settlement

mean while, the own took care of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is suffered to run about wild, unshackled

by clouts and bandages, and other abominations by which your notable nur ses and sage old women cripple

and disfigure the children of men, encreased so rapidly in strength and magnitude, that before the honest

burgomas ters had determined upon a plan, it was too late to put it in execution whereupon they wisely

In which the Author is very unreasonably afflicted about nothing. Together with divers Ancedotes of the

prosperity of New Amsterdam, and the wisdom of its Inhabitants. And the sudden in troduction of a

Grievous, and very much to be commiserated, is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the history of his

native land. If it falls to his lot to be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, the mourn ful page is watered

with his tears nor can he recal the most prosperous and blissful eras, without a melancholy sigh at the

reflection, that they have passed away forever! I know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the

simplicity of former times, or to a certain tenderness of heart, natural to a sentimental historian; but I candidly

confess, I cannot look back on the halcyon days of the city, which I now describe, without a deep de jection

of the spirits. With faultering hand I with draw the curtain of oblivion, which veils the modest merits of our

venerable dutch ancestors, and as their revered figures rise to my mental vision, hum ble myself before the

Such too are my feelings when I revisit the family mansion of the Knickerbockers and spend a lonely hour in

the attic chamber, where hang the portraits of my forefathers, shrowded in dust like the forms they represent.

With pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned burghers, who have preceded me in

the steady march of existence whose sober and temperate blood now meanders through my veins, flowing

slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its lingering current shall soon be stopped forever!

These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of the mighty men, who flourished in the days of the

patriarchs; but who, alas, have long since mouldered in that tomb, towards which my steps are insensibly and

irresistibly hastening! As I pace the darkened chamber and lose myself in me lancholy musings, the

shadowy images around me, almost seem to steal once more into existence their countenances appear for

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

an instant to assume the animation of life their eyes to pursue me in every movement! carried away by the

delusion of fancy, I almost imagine myself surrounded by the shades of the departed, and holding sweet con

verse with the worthies of antiquity! Luckless Diedrich! born in a degenerate age abandoned to the

buffettings of fortune a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy native land; blest with no weeping wife, nor

family of helpless children but doomed to wander neglected through those crowded streets, and elbowed

by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes, where once thine ancestors held sovereign empire. Alas! alas! is

then the dutch spirit for ever extinct? The days of the patriarchs, have they fled forever? Return return

sweet days of sim plicity and ease dawn once more on the lovely island of Manna hata! Bear with me

my worthy readers, bear with the weakness of my nature or rather let us sit down together, indulge the full

flow of filial piety, and weep over the memories of our great great grandfathers.

Having thus gratified those feelings irresistibly awakened by the happy scenes I am describing, I return with

The town of New Amsterdam, being, as I be fore mentioned, left to its own course and the fos tering care

of providence, increased as rapidly in importance, as though it had been burthened with a dozen panniers full

of those sage laws, which are usually heaped upon the backs of young cities in order to make them grow.

The only measure that remains on record of the worthy council, was to build a chapel within the fort, which

they dedicated to the great and good St. Nicholas, who imme diately took the infant town of New

Amsterdam un der his peculiar patronage, and has ever since been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the

tutelar saint of this excellent city. I am moreover told, that there is a little legendary book somewhere extant,

written in low dutch, which says that the image of this renowned saint, which whilome graced the bowsprit of

the Goede Vrouw, was placed in front of this chapel; and the legend further treats of divers miracles wrought

by the mighty pipe which the saint held in his mouth; a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an

indigestion, and consequently of great importance in this colony of huge feeders. But as, notwithstanding the

most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this little book, I en tertain considerable doubt on the

This much is certain, that from the time of the building of this chapel, the town throve with ten fold

prosperity, and soon became the metropolis of numerous settlements, and an extensive territory. The province

extended on the north, to Fort Aura nia or Orange, now known by the name of Albany, situated about 160

miles up the Mohegan or Hud son River. Indeed the province claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence; but

this claim was not much insisted on at the time, as the country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilderness,

reported to be inhabited by cannibals, and termed Terra Incog nita. Various accounts were given of the

people of these unknown parts; by some they are described as being of the race of the Acephali, such as

Hero dotus describes, who have no heads, and carry their eyes in their bellies. Others affirm they were of

that race whom father Charlevoix mentions, as hav ing but one leg; adding gravely, that they were

exceedingly alert in running. But the most satis factory account is that given by the reverend Hans

Megapolensis, a missionary in these parts, who, in a letter still extant, declares them to be the Moha gues or

Mohawks; a nation, according to his des cription, very loose in their morals, but withal most rare wags.

"For," says he, "if theye can get to bedd with another mans wife, theye thinke it a piece of wit."20 This

excellent old gentleman gives moreover very important additional information, about this country of

monsters; for he observes, "theye have plenty of tortoises here, and within land, from two and three to four

On the south the province reached to Fort Nas sau, on the South River, since called the Delaware and on

the east it extended to Varshe (or Fresh) River, since called Connecticut River. On this frontier was likewise

erected a mighty fort and trading house, much about the spot where at present is situated the pleasant town of

Hartford; this port was called Fort Goed Hoop, or Good Hope, and was intended as well for the purpose of

trade as de fence; but of this fort, its valiant garrison, and staunch commander, I shall treat more anon, as

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Thus prosperously did the province of New Ne derlandts encrease in magnitude; and the early his tory of

its metropolis, presents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. Herds of painted savages still lurked about

the tangled woods and the rich bottoms of the fair island of Mannahata the hun ter still pitched his rude

bower of skins and branches, beside the wild brooks, that stole through the cool and shady valleys; while here

and there were seen on some sunny knoll, a group of indian wigwams, whose smoke rose above the

neighbouring trees and floated in the clear expanse of heaven. The uncivi lized tenants of the forest

remained peaceable neigh bours of the town of New Amsterdam; and our worthy ancestors endeavoured to

ameliorate their situation as much as possible, by benevolently giving them gin, rum and glass beads, in

exchange for all the furs they brought; for it seems the kind hearted dutchmen had conceived a great

friendship for their savage neighbours on account of the facility with which they suffered themselves to be

taken in. Not that they were deficient in understanding, for cer tain of their customs give tokens of great

shrewd ness, especially that mentioned by Ogilvie, who says, "for the least offence the bridegroom soundly

beats the wife, and turns her out of doors and marries another, insomuch that some of them have every year a

True it is, that good understanding between our worthy ancestors and their savage neighbours, was liable to

occasional interruptions and I recollect hearing my grandmother, who was a very wise old woman, well

versed in the history of these parts, tell a long story of a winter evening, about a battle between the New

Amsterdammers and the Indians, which was known, but why, I do not recollect, by the name of the Peach

War, and which took place near a peach orchard, in a dark and gloomy glen, overshadowed by cedars, oaks

and dreary hemlocks. The legend of this bloody encounter, was for a long time current among the nurses, old

women, and other ancient chroniclers of the place; and the dis mal seat of war, went, for some generations,

by the name of Murderers' Valley; but time and improve ment have equally obliterated the tradition and the

place of this battle, for what was once the blood stained valley, is now in the centre of this populous city,

For a long time the new settlement depended upon the mother country for most of its supplies. The vessels

which sailed in search of a north west passage, always touched at New Amsterdam, where they unloaded

fresh cargoes of adventurers, and unheard of quantities of gin, bricks, tiles, glass beads, gingerbread and other

necessaries; in ex change for which they received supplies of pork and vegetables, and made very profitable

bargains for furs and bear skins. Never did the simple islanders of the south seas, look with more impatience

for the adventurous vessels, that brought them rich ladings of old hoops, spike nails and looking glasses, than

did our honest colonists, for the vessels that brought them the comforts of the mother country. In this particu

lar they resembled their worthy but simple descend ants, who prefer depending upon Europe for neces

saries, which they might produce or manufacture at less cost and trouble in their own country. Thus have I

known a very shrewd family, who being removed to some distance from an inconvenient draw well, beside

which they had long sojourned, always pre ferred to send to it for water, though a plentiful brook ran by the

How long the growing colony might have looked to its parent Holland for supplies, like a chubby overgrown

urchin, clinging to its mother's breast, even after it is breeched, I will not pretend to say, for it does not

become an historian to indulge in conjectures I can only assert the fact, that the in habitants, being

obliged by repeated emergencies, and frequent disappointments of foreign supplies, to look about them and

resort to contrivances, became nearly as wise as people generally are, who are taught wisdom by painful

experience. They there fore learned to avail themselves of such expedients as presented to make use of

the bounties of nature, where they could get nothing better and thus be came prodigiously enlightened,

under the scourge of inexorable necessity; gradually opening one eye at a time, like the Arabian impostor

Still however they advanced from one point of knowledge to another with characteristic slowness and

circumspection, admitting but few improve ments and inventions, and those too, with a jealous reluctance

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

that has ever distinguished our respect able dutch yeomanry; who adhere, with pious and praiseworthy

obstinacy, to the customs, the fashions, the manufactures and even the very utensils, how ever inconvenient,

of their revered forefathers. It was long after the period of which I am writing, before they discoved the

surprising secret, that it was more economic and commodious, to roof their houses with shingles procured

from the adjacent forests, than to import tiles for the purpose from Holland; and so slow were they in

believing that the soil of a young country, could possibly make creditable bricks; that even at a late period of

the last century, ship loads have been imported from Holland, by certain of its most orthodox descend ants.

The accumulating wealth and consequence of New Amsterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened the

serious solicitude of the mother country; who finding it a thriving and opulent co lony, and that it promised

to yield great profit and no trouble; all at once became wonderfully anxious about its safety, and began to

load it with tokens of regard; in the same manner that people are sure to oppress rich relations with their

affection and loving kindness, who could do much better without their assistance.

The usual marks of protection shewn by mo ther countries to wealthy colonies, were forth with evinced

the first care always being to send rulers to the new settlement, with orders to squeeze as much revenue from

it as it will yield. Accord ingly in the year of our Lord 1629 mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was appointed

governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the controul of their High Mightinesses the lords states

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in

all the year; when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the transparent firmament when the robin, the

blackbird, the thrush and a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous

ditties, and the luxurious little Bob lincon revels among the clover blossoms of the mea dows. All

which happy coincidence, persuaded the old ladies of New Amsterdam, who were skill ed in the art of

But as it would be derogatory to the conse quence of the first dutch governor of the great pro vince of

Nieuw Nederlandts, to be thus scurvily in troduced at the end of a chapter, I will put an end to this second

book of my history, that I may usher him in, with the more dignity in the begin ning of my next. END OF

BOOK II. [20] Let. of I. Megapol. Hag. S. P. Ogilvie, in his excellent account of America, speaking of these

parts, makes mention of Lions, which abounded on a high mountain, and likewise observes, "On the borders

of Canada there is seen sometimes a kind of beast which hath some resemblance with a horse, having cloven

feet, shaggy mayn, one horn just on the forehead, a tail like that of a wild hog, and a deer's neck." He

furthermore gives a picture of this strange beast, which resem bles exceedingly an unicorn. It is much to

be lamented by philo sophers, that this miraculous breed of animals, like that of the horned frog, is totally

extinct. [21] This battle is said by some to have happened much later than the date assigned by our historian.

Some of the ancient inhabitants of our city, place it in the beginning of the last century. It is more than

probable, however, that Mr. Knickerbocker is correct, as he has doubtless investigated the matter. Print.

Setting forth the unparalleled virtues of the renown ed Wouter Van Twiller, as likewise his unutter able

wisdom in the law case of Wandle Schoon hoven and Barent Bleecker and the great ad miration of the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller, was descended from a long line of dutch burgomasters, who

had successively dozed away their lives and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam; and who

had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and proprie ty, that they were never either heard or

talked of which, next to being universally applauded, should be the object of ambition of all sage

His surname of Twiller, is said to be a corrup tion of the original Twijfler, which in English means doubter;

a name admirably descriptive of his deliberative habits. For though he was a man, shut up within himself like

an oyster, and of such a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely ever spoke except in monosyllables, yet

did he never make up his mind, on any doubtful point. This was clearly accountd for by his adherents, who

affirmed that he always conceived every subject on so compre hensive a scale, that he had not room in his

head, to turn it over and examine both sides of it, so that he always remained in doubt, merely in conse

There are two opposite ways by which some men get into notice one by talking a vast deal and thinking a

little, and the other by holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first many a vapouring, superficial

pretender acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts by the other many a vacant dunderpate, like the

owl, the stupid est of birds, comes to be complimented, by a dis cerning world, with all the attributes of

wisdom. This, by the way, is a mere casual remark, which I would not for the universe have it thought, I ap

ply to Governor Van Twiller. On the contrary he was a very wise dutchman, for he never said a fool ish

thing and of such invincible gravity, that he was never known to laugh, or even to smile, through the

course of a long and prosperous life. Certain however it is, there never was a matter proposed, however

simple, and on which your common nar row minded mortals, would rashly determine at the first glance, but

what the renowned Wouter, put on a mighty mysterious, vacant kind of look, shook his capacious head, and

having smoked for five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagely ob served, that "he had his doubts about

the matter" which in process of time gained him the character of a man slow of belief, and not easily

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as regularly formed and nobly proportioned, as though it had

been moulded by the hands of some cunning dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He

was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circum ference. His head was a perfect

sphere, far excel ling in magnitude that of the great Pericles (who was thence waggishly called

Schenocephalus, or onion head) indeed, of such stupendous dimen sions was it, that dame nature herself,

with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to con struct a neck, capable of supporting it;

wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his back bone, just between the

shoulders; where it remained, as snugly bedded, as a ship of war in the mud of the Potowmac. His body was

of an oblong form, particularly ca pacious at bottom; which was wisely ordered by providence, seeing that

he was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour of walk ing. His legs, though exceeding

short, were stur dy in proportion to the weight they had to sustain; so that when erect, he had not a little the

appear ance of a robustious beer barrel, standing on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind,

presented a vast expanse perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by any of those lines and angles, which disfigure

the human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small grey eyes twinkled feebly in the midst,

like two stars of lesser magnitude, in a hazy firma ment; and his full fed cheeks, which seemed to have

taken toll of every thing that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated meals, appropriating ex actly an hour

to each; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four and twenty. Such

was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller a true philosopher, for his mind was either elevated above, or

tranquilly set tled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without

feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had even

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

watched for at least half a century, the smoke curl ing from his pipe to the ceiling, without once trou bling

his head with any of those numerous theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed his brain, in

In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak hewn in the

celebrated forest of the Hague, fabri cated by an experienced Timmerman of Amster dam, and curiously

carved about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed

a long turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of Holland, at

the con clusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and

this magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for

hours together upon a little print of Am sterdam, which hung in a black frame, against the opposite wall of

the council chamber. Nay, it has ever been said, that when any deliberation of ex traordinary length and

intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would absolutely shut his eyes for full two hours at a time,

that he might not be disturbed by external objects and at such times the internal commotion of his mind,

was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his ad mirers declared were merely the noise of

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under

consideration. The facts respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so questionable in

point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the search after many, and decline the admission of still more,

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully, the person and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from the

consideration that he was not only the first, but also the best governor that ever presided over this ancient and

respectable province; and so tran quil and benevolent was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole

of it, a single instance of any offender being brought to punishment: a most in dubitable sign of a

merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it

The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate, like that of Solomon, or to speak more

appropriately, like that of the illustrious governor of Barataria, was distinguished by an example of legal

acumen, that gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration. The very morning after he had

been solemnly installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a prodigious

earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by the appear ance of one

Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one

Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently refused to come to a settlement of ac counts, seeing that there

was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a

man of few words, he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings or being disturbed at his

breakfast. Hav ing therefore listened attentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an

occasional grunt, as he shovelled a mighty spoonful of Indian pud ding into his mouth either as a sign

that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story he called unto him his constable, and pulling out of

his breeches pocket a huge jackknife, dispatched it after the de fendant as a summons, accompanied by his

This summary process was as effectual in those simple days, as was the seal ring of the great Haroun

Alraschid, among the true believers the two par ties, being confronted before him, each produced a book

of accounts, written in a language and charac ter that would have puzzled any but a High Dutch

commentator, or a learned decypherer of Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage Wouter took them one

after the other, and having poised them in his hands, and attentively counted over the num ber of leaves, fell

straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word; at length, laying his

finger beside his nose, and shut ting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and

with marvellous gra vity and solemnity pronounced that having care fully counted over the leaves and

weighed the books, it was found, that one was just as thick and as heavy as the other therefore it was the

final opinion of the court that the accounts were equally balanced therefore Wandle should give Barent a

receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt and the con stable should pay the costs.

This decision being straightway made known, diffused general joy throughout New Amsterdam, for the

people immediately perceived, that they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its

happiest effect was, that not another law suit took place throughout the whole of his ad ministration and

the office of constable fell into such decay, that there was not one of those lossel scouts known in the

province for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem it

one of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern magistrates,

but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the renown ed Wouter being the only time he was

Containing some account of the grand Council of New Amsterdam, as also divers especial good

philosophical reasons why an Alderman should be fat with other particulars touching the state of the

In treating of the early governors of the pro vince, I must caution my readers against confound ing them, in

point of dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen, who are whimsically denomina ted governors, in

this enlightened republic a set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in fact the most dependent,

henpecked beings in commu nity: doomed to bear the secret goadings and cor rections of their own party,

and the sneers and re vilings of the whole world beside. Set up, like geese, at christmas hollidays, to be

pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the dutch governors enjoyed

that un controlled authority vested in all commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were in a

manner, absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over both law and gospel, and

accountable to none but the mother country; which it is well known is astonishingly deaf to all complaints

against its governors, provided they discharge the main duty of their station squeez ing out a good

revenue. This hint will be of im portance, to prevent my readers from being seized with doubt and

incredulity, whenever, in the course of this authentic history, they encounter the un common circumstance,

of a governor, acting with independence, and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude.

To assist the doubtful Wouter, in the arduous business of legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed,

which presided immediately over the police. This potent body consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers

between those of the present mayor and sheriff five burgermeesters, who were equivalent to aldermen,

and five schepens, who of ficiated as scrubs, subdevils, or bottleholders to the burgermeesters, in the

same manner as do as sistant aldermen to their principals at the present day; it being their duty to fill the

pipes of the lordly burgermeesters see that they were accommodated with spitting boxes hunt the

markets for delica cies for corporation dinners, and to discharge such other little offices of kindness, as were

occasionally required. It was moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifically enjoined, that they should

consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh most heartily at all

their jokes; but this last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days, as it is at present, and was shortly

remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat little Schepen who actu ally died of suffocation in

an unsuccessful effort to force a laugh, at one of Burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes.

In return for these humble services, they were permitted to say yes and no at the council board, and to have

that enviable privilege, the run of the public kitchen being graciously per mitted to eat, and drink, and

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

smoke, at all those snug junkettings and public gormandizings, for which the ancient magistrates were

equally fa mous with their more modern successors. The post of Schepen therefore, like that of assistant

alderman, was eagerly coveted by all your bur ghers of a certain description, who have a huge relish for

good feeding, and a humble ambition to be great men, in a small way who thirst after a little brief

authority, that shall render them the terror of the alms house, and the bridewell that shall enable them to

lord it over obsequious pover ty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger driven dishonesty that

shall place in their hands the lesser, but galling scourge of the law, and give to their beck a hound like pack of

catchpoles and bum bailiffs tenfold greater rogues than the cul prits they hunt down! My readers will

excuse this sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave historian but I have a mortal

The ancient magistrates of this city, corres ponded with those of the present time, no less in form,

magnitude and intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgomasters, like our alder men, were

generally chosen by weight and not only the weight of the body, but likewise the weight of the head. It is

a maxim practically observed in all honest, plain thinking, regular cities, that an al derman should be fat

and the wisdom of this can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in some measure an image of the mind,

or rather that the mind is moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, has been

insisted on by many men of science, who have made human nature their peculiar study For as a learned

gentleman of our city observes "there is a constant relation between the moral character of all intelligent

crea tures, and their physical constitution between their habits and the structure of their bodies." Thus we

see, that a lean, spare, diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, meddling mind

either the mind wears down the body, by its con tinual motion; or else the body, not affording the mind

sufficient house room, keeps it continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worrying about from the

uneasiness of its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, unwieldly periphery is ever at tended by a mind,

like itself, tranquil, torpid and at ease; and we may always observe, that your well fed, robustious burghers

are in general very tenacious of their ease and comfort; being great enemies to noise, discord and disturbance

and surely none are more likely to study the public tranquillity than those who are so careful of their own

Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in turbulent mobs? no no it is

your lean, hungry men, who are continually wor rying society, and setting the whole community by the ears.

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suffi ciently attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows

to every man three souls one, immor tal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may overlook and

regulate the body a second con sisting of the surly and irascible passions, which like belligerent powers

lie encamped around the heart a third mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its

propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul, by its ravenous howlings.

Now, ac cording to this excellent theory what can be more clear, than that your fat alderman, is most likely

to have the most regular and well conditioned mind. His head is like a huge, spherical chamber, contain ing

a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feather bed;

and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed chamber, are usually half closed that its slumberings may not

be disturbed by external ob jects. A mind thus comfortably lodged, and pro tected from disturbance, is

manifestly most likely to perform its functions with regularity and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover,

the mortal and malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, and which by its raging and roaring, puts the

irritable soul in the neighbourhood of the heart in an intoler able passion, and thus renders men crusty and

quarrelsome when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced and put to rest whereupon a host of honest

good fellow qualities and kind hearted affec tions, which had lain perdue, slily peeping out of the loop holes

of the heart, finding this cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and all in their holliday suits,

and gambol up and down the diaphragm disposing their possessor to laughter, good humour and a

As a board of magistrates, formed on this mo del, think but very little, they are the less likely to differ and

wrangle about favourite opinions and as they generally transact business upon a hearty din ner, they are

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

naturally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their duties. Charlemagne was

conscious of this, and therefore (a pitiful measure, for which I can never forgive him), ordered in his

cartularies, that no judge should hold a court of justice, except in the morn ing, on an empty stomach. A

rule which, I war rant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits in his kingdom. The more enlightened and

humane ge neration of the present day, have taken an opposite course, and have so managed that the

aldermen are the best fed men in the community; feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so

hearti ly on oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire the activity of the one, and the form, the

wad dle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have just said; these luxurious feastings do

produce such a dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their transactions are

proverbial for unvarying monotony and the profound laws, which they enact in their dozing moments,

amid the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never en forced, when

awake. In a word your fair round bellied burgomaster, like a full fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the

housedoor, always at home, and always at hand to watch over its safety but as to electing a lean,

meddling candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would as leave put a grey hound, to

The Burgomasters then, as I have already mentioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the Schepens, or

assistant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them, and help them eat; but the latter, in the course of

time, when they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and drowsiness of brain, became very

eligible candidates for the Burgomasters' chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats

his way into a comfort able lodgement in a goodly, bluenosed, skim'd milk, New England cheese.

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took place between the renowned Wouter, and these his

worthy compeers, unless it be the sage di vans of some of our modern corporations. They would sit for

hours smoking and dozing over pub lic affairs, without speaking a word to interrupt that perfect stillness, so

necessary to deep reflection faithfully observing an excellent maxim, which the good old governor had

caused to be written in let ters of gold, on the walls of the council chamber Stille Seugen eten at den draf op.

which, being rendered into English for the benefit of modern legislatures, means "The sow that's still

Under the sober way, therefore, of the renown ed Van Twiller, and the sage superintendance of his

burgomasters, the infant settlement waxed vigo rous apace, gradually emerging from the swamps and

forests, and exhibiting that mingled appearance of town and country, customary in new cities, and which at

this day may be witnessed in the great city of Washington; that immense metropolis, which makes such a

Ranges of houses began to give the idea of streets and lanes, and wherever an interval occurred, it was

overrun by a wilderness of sweet smelling thorn apple, vulgarly called stinkweed. Amid these fragrant

bowers, the honest burghers, like so many patriarchs of yore, sat smoking their pipes of a sultry afternoon,

inhaling the balmy odours waft ed on every gale, and listening with silent gratula tion to the clucking of

their hens, the cackling of their geese, or the sonorous gruntings of their swine; that combination of

farmyard melody, which may truly be said to have a silver sound, in asmuch as it conveys a certain

The modern spectator, who wanders through the crowded streets of this populous city, can scarce form an

idea, of the different appearance which every object presented, in those primitive times. The busy hum of

commerce, the noise of revelry, the rattling equipages of splendid luxury, were un known in the peaceful

settlement of New Amster dam. The bleating sheep and frolicksome calves sported about the verdant ridge,

where now their legitimate successors, the Broadway loungers, take their morning's stroll; the cunning fox or

ravenous wolf, skulked in the woods, where now are to be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous fra

ternity of money brokers, and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the field, where now the pa triotic

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

tavern of Martling echoes with the wrang lings of the mob.22 The whole island, at least such parts of it as

were inhabited, bloomed like a second Eden; every dwelling had its own cabbage garden, and that esculent

vegetable, while it gave promise of bounteous loads of sour crout, was also emblema tic of the rapid growth

Such are the soothing scenes presented by a fat government. The province of the New Nether lands,

destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet tran quillity that wealth could never purchase. It seem ed indeed as if

old Saturn had again commenced his reign, and renewed the golden days of primeval simplicity. For the

golden age, says Ovid, was totally destitute of gold, and for that very reason was called the golden age, that

is, the happy and fortunate age because the evils produced by the precious metals, such as avarice,

covetuousness, theft, rapine, usury, banking, noteshaving, lottery insuring, and the whole catalogue of

crimes and grievances were then unknown. In the iron age there was abundance of gold, and on that very

account it was called the iron age, because of the hardships, the labours, the dissentions, and the wars,

The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller there fore, may truly be termed the golden age of our city. There

were neither public commotions, nor private quarrels; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; neither

prosecutions, nor trials, nor pun ishments; nor were there counsellors, attornies, catchpoles or hangmen.

Every man attended to what little business he was lucky enough to have, or neglect it if he pleased, without

asking the opi nion of his neighbour. In those days nobody med dled with concerns above his

comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other people's affairs; nor ne glected to correct his own conduct, and

reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to pieces the characters of others but in a word, every

respect able citizen eat when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regularly to bed,

when the sun set, and the fowls went to roost, whether he was sleepy or not; all which, being agreeable to the

doctrines of Malthus, tended so remarkably to the population of the settlement, that I am told every dutiful

wife throughout New Am sterdam, made a point of always enriching her hus band with at least one child a

year, and very often a brace this superabundance of good things clear ly constituting the true luxury of

life, according to the favourite dutch maxim that "more than enough constitutes a feast." Every thing

therefore went on exactly as it should do, and in the usual words employed by historians to express the

welfare of a country, "the profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned throughout the province."

[22] "De Vries mentions a place where they overhaul their ships, which he calls Smits Vleye, there is still to

this day a place in New York called by that name, where a market is built called the Fly market."

There are few native inhabitants, I trow, of this great city, who when boys were not engaged in the renowned

feuds of Broad way and Smith fly the subject of so many fly market romances and schoolboy rhymes.

How the town of New Amsterdam arose out of the mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite

Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the enlightened literati, who turn over the pages of history. Some

there be whose hearts are brim full of the yeast of courage, and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam

with untried valour, like a barrel of new cider, or a trainband captain, fresh from under the hands of his

taylor. This doughty class of readers can be satisfied with no thing but bloody battles, and horrible

encounters; they must be continually storming forts, sacking cities, springing mines, marching up to the muz

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

zles of cannons, charging bayonet through every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. Others,

who are of a less martial, but equally ar dent imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the

marvellous, will dwell with wonderous satis faction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard of events,

hairbreadth escapes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing narrations, that just amble along the

boundary line of possibility. A third class, who, not to speak slightingly of them, are of a lighter turn, and

skin over the records of past times, as they do over the edifying pages of a no vel, merely for relaxation and

innocent amusement; do singularly delight in treasons, executions, sa bine rapes, tarquin outrages,

conflagrations, mur ders, and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, that like Cayenne in cookery, do

give a pungency and flavour, to the dull detail of history while a fourth class, of more philosophic habits,

do dili gently pore over the musty chronicles of time, to investigate the operations of the human mind, and

watch the gradual changes in men and manners, effected by the progress of knowledge, the vicissi tudes of

If the three first classes find but little where withal to solace themselves, in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van

Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for a while, and bear with the tedious pic ture of happiness,

prosperity and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw; and I promise them, that as

soon as I can possibly light upon any thing horrible, uncommon or impos sible, it shall go hard, but I will

make it afford them entertainment. This being premised, I turn with great complacency to the fourth class of

my readers, who are men, or, if possible, women, after my own heart; grave, philosophical and investiga

ting; fond of analyzing characters, of taking a start from first causes, and so hunting a nation down, through

all the mazes of innovation and improve ment. Such will naturally be anxious to witness the first

development of the newly hatched colo ny, and the primitive manners and customs, preva lent among its

To describe minutely the gradual advances, from the rude log hut, to the stately dutch man sion, with a brick

front, glass windows, and shin gle roof from the tangled thicket, to the luxuriant cabbage garden, and

from the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster, would probably be fa tiguing to my reader, and

certainly very inconve nient to myself; suffice it to say, trees were cut down, stumps grubbed up, bushes

cleared away, until the new city rose gradually from amid swamps and stinkweeds, like a mighty fungus,

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan

for the building of their city the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under their particular charge,

and as they went to and from pasture, established paths through the bushes, on each side of which the good

folks built their houses; which is one cause of the rambling and picturesque turns and labyrinths, which

Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous partizans of Mynheer Ten Breeches, (or Ten Brock) vexed that

his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a compromise with their incli nations, by establishing

themselves on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which meandered through various parts of the ground

laid out for improve ment. To these may be particularly ascribed the first settlement of Broad street; which

originally was built along a creek, that ran up, to what at present is called Wall street. The lower part soon

became very busy and populous; and a ferry house23 was in process of time established at the head of it;

The disciples of Mynheer Toughbreeches, on the other hand, no less enterprising, and more in dustrious

than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore of the river, and laboured with un exampled

perseverance, in making little docks and dykes, from which originated that multitude of mud traps with which

this city is fringed. To these docks would the old Burghers repair, just at those hours when the falling tide had

left the beach uncovered, that they might snuff up the fragrant effluvia of mud and mire; which they observed

had a true wholesome smell, and reminded them of the canals of Holland. To the indefatigable labours, and

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

praiseworthy example of this latter class of projectors, are we indebted for the acres of artificial ground, on

which several of our streets, in the vicinity of the rivers are built; and which, if we may credit the assertions

of several learned physi cians of this city, have been very efficacious in producing the yellow fever.

The houses of the higher class, were generally constructed of wood, excepting the gable end, which was of

small black and yellow dutch bricks, and always faced on the street, as our ancestors, like their descendants,

were very much given to outward shew, and were noted for putting the best leg fore most. The house was

always furnished with abundance of large doors and small windows on every floor, the date of its erection

was curiously designated by iron figures on the front, and on the top of the roof was perched a fierce little

weather cock, to let the family into the important secret, which way the wind blew. These, like the weather

cocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed so many different ways, that every man could have a wind to his

mind; and you would have thought old Eolus had set all his bags of wind adrift, pell mell, to gambol about

Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous partizans of Mynheer Ten Breeches, (or Ten Brock) vexed that

his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a compromise with their incli nations, by establishing

themselves on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which meandered through various parts of the ground

laid out for improve ment. To these may be particularly ascribed the first settlement of Broad street; which

originally was built along a creek, that ran up, to what at present is called Wall street. The lower part soon

became very busy and populous; and a ferry house24 was in process of time established at the head of it;

The disciples of Mynheer Toughbreeches, on the other hand, no less enterprising, and more in dustrious

than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore of the river, and laboured with un exampled

perseverance, in making little docks and dykes, from which originated that multitude of mud traps with which

this city is fringed. To these docks would the old Burghers repair, just at those hours when the falling tide had

left the beach have the tails of mermaids but this I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or what is worse,

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, where the passion for cleaning was indulged with out

controul. In this sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, excepting the mistress and her confidential

maid, who visited it once a week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and putting things to rights

always taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at the door, and entering devoutly, on their stocking

feet. After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was curiously stroked into angles,

and curves, and rhomboids, with a broom after wash ing the windows, rubbing and polishing the furni

ture, and putting a new bunch of evergreens in the fireplace the window shutters were again closed to

keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up until the revolution of time, brought round the weekly

As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a

numerous household assembled around the fire, one would have imagined that he was transported back to

those happy days of primeval simplicity, which float before our imaginations like golden visions. The

fireplaces were of a truly patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, old and young, master and servant,

black and white, nay even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privilege, and had each a

prescriptive right to a corner. Here the old burgher would set in perfect silence, puffing his pipe, looking in

the fire with half shut eyes, and thinking of nothing for hours together; the goede vrouw on the oppo site

side would employ herself diligently in spin ning her yarn, or knitting stockings. The young foks would

crowd around th hearth, listening with breathless attention to some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle

of the family, and who, perch ed like a raven in a corner of the chimney, would croak forth for a long

winter afternoon, a string of in credible stories about New England witches gris ly ghosts horses

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

In those happy days a well regulated family always rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at

sun down. Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat old burghers shewed incontestible symptoms of

disappropriation and uneasiness, at being surpised by a visit from a neighbour on such occasions. But

though our worthy ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social bands

As this is the first introduction of those delectable orgieswhich have since become so fashionable in this

city, I am conscious my fair readers will be very curious to receive information on the subject. Sorry am I,

that there will be but little in my des cription calculated to excite their admiration. I can neither delight them

with accounts of suffoca ting crowds, nor brilliant drawing rooms, nor towering feathers, nor sparkling

diamonds, nor im measurable trains. I can detail no choice anec dotes of scandal, for in those primitive

times the simple folk were either too stupid, or too good na tured to pull each other's characters to pieces

nor can I furnish any whimsical anecdotes of brag how one lady cheated, or another bounced into a pas

sion; for as yet there was no junto of dulcet old dowagers, who met to win each other's money, and lose their

These fashionable parties were generally con fined to the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such as

kept their own cows, and drove their own waggons. The company commonly assem bled at three o'clock,

and went away about six, un less it was in winter time, when the fashionable hours were a little earlier, that

the ladies might get home before dark. I do not find that they ever treated their company to iced creams,

jellies or syllabubs; or regaled them with musty almonds, mouldy raisins, or sour oranges, as is often done in

the present age of refinement. Our ancestors were fond of more sturdy, substantial fare. The tea ta ble

was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into mouthfuls,

and swimming in doup or gravy. The company being seated around the genial board, and each furnished with

a fork, evinced their dex terity in launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish in much the same

manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear sal mon in the lakes. Sometimes the table

was graced with immense apple pies, or saucers full of preserv ed peaches and pears; but it was always sure

to boast an enormous dish of balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough nuts, or oly koeks

a delicious kind of cake, at present, scarce known in this city, excepting in genuine dutch families; but

The tea was served out of a majestic delft tea pot, ornamented with paintings of fat little dutch shepherds

and shepherdesses, tending pigs with boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry

other ingenious dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their adroit ness in replenishing this

pot, from a huge copper tea kettle, which would have made the pigmy ma caronies of these degenerate days,

sweat, merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup and the

company alternately nibbled and sipped with great decorum, until an improvement was introduced by a

shrewd and economic old lady, which was to suspend a large lump directly over the tea table, by a string

from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from mouth to mouth an ingenious expedient, which is still

kept up by some families in Albany; but which prevails without exception, in Communipaw, Ber gen,

At these primitive teaparties the utmost pro priety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor

coquetting no gambling of old ladies nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones No self

satisfied struttings of wealthy gentlemen with their brains in their pockets nor amusing conceits, and

monkey divertisements of smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies

seated themselves demurely in their rushbottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen stockings; nor ever

opened their lips, ex cepting to say yah Mynher, or yah, ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them;

behaving in all things, like decent, well educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tranquilly

smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in contemplation of the blue and white tiles, with which the fireplaces

were de corated; wherein sundry passages of scripture, were piously pourtrayed Tobit and his dog figur

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

ed to great advantage; Haman swung conspicu ously on his gibbet, and Jonah appeared most man fully

The parties broke up without noise and without confusion for, strange as it may seem, the ladies and

gentlemen were content to take their own cloaks and shawls and hats; not dreaming, simple souls! of the

ingenious system of exchange established in modern days; by which those who first leave a party are

authorized to choose the best shawl or hat they can find a custom which has doubtless arisen in

consequence of our commercial habits. They were carried home by their own carriages, that is to say, by the

vehicles nature had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy, as could afford to keep a waggon. The

gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty

smack at the door: which as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty of

heart, oc casioned no scandal at that time, nor should it at the present if our great grandfathers approved

of the custom, it would argue a great want of rever ence in their descendants to say a word against it.

[23] This house has been several times repaired, and at present is a small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad

Street, with the gable end to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within three or four

[24] This house has been several times repaired, and at present is a small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad

Street, with the gable end to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within three or four

Containing further particulars of the Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the

In this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous island of Mannahata presented a scene, the very

counterpart of those glowing pictures drawn by old Hesiod of the golden reign of Saturn, there was a happy

ignorance, an honest simplicity preva lent among its inhabitants, which were I even able to depict, would be

but little understood by the de generate age for which I am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch

innovaters upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and greybeard customs of society, seemed for a while to

conduct themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness, and indeed behaved almost as if they had not

been sent into the world, to bother mankind, baffle philosophy, and confound the universe.

Their hair untortured by the abominations of art, was scrupulously pomatomed back from their fore heads

with a candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their heads. Their

petticoats of linsey woolsey, were striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes, rivalling the many co loured

robes of Iris though I must confess these gallant garments were rather short, scarce reaching below the

knee; but then they made up in the number, which generally equalled that of the gen tlemen's small clothes;

and what is still more praise worthy, they were all of their own manufacture of which circumstance, as

These were the honest days, in which every woman staid at home, read the bible and wore pockets aye,

and that too of a goodly size, fashion ed with patchwork into many curious devices, and ostentatiously

worn on the outside. These in fact, were convenient receptacles, where all good house wives carefully

stored away such things as they wished to have at hand; by which means they often came to be incredibly

crammed and I remember there was a story current when I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van

Twiller, having occasion to empty her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, the contents filled three corn

baskets, and the utensil was at length discovered lying among some rubbish in one corner but we must not

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

give too much faith to all these stories; the anecdotes of these remote periods being very subject to exaggera

Beside these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissars and pincushions suspended from their girdles by

red ribbands, or among the more opulent and shewy classes, by brass and even silver chains indubitable

tokens of thrifty housewives and indus trious spinsters. I cannot say much in vindication of the shortness of

the petticoats; it doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, which

were generally of blue worsted with magnificent red clocks or perhaps to display a well turned ankle, and

a neat, though serviceable foot; set off by a highheel'd leathern shoe, with a large and splendid silver buckle.

Thus we find, that the gentle sex in all ages, have shewn the same disposition to infringe a little upon the laws

of decorum, in order to betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery.

From the sketch here given it will be seen, that our good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of

a fine figure, from their scantily dressed descendants of the present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled

under more clothes even on a fair summer's day, than would have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball room.

Nor were they the less admired by the gentlemen in conse quence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of

a lover's passion seemed to encrease in proportion to the magnitude of its object and a voluminous

damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was de clared by a lowdutch sonnetteer of the province, to be

radiant as a sunflower, and luxuriant as a full blown cabbage. Certain it is, that in those days, the heart of a

lover could not contain more than one lady at a time; whereas the heart of a modern gallant has often room

enough to accommodate half a dozen The reason of which I conclude to be, either that the hearts of the

gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies smaller this however is a question for

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which no doubt entered into the consideration of the prudent

gallant. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her only fortune; and she who had a good stock of

petticoats and stockings, was as absolutely an heiress, as is a Kamschatka damsel with a store of bear skins,

or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein deer. The ladies therefore, were very anxious to display these

powerful attractions to the greatest advantage; and the best rooms in the house instead of being adorned with

caricatures of dame nature, in water colours and needle work, were always hung round with abundance of

home spun garments; the manufacture and property of the females a piece of laudable ostentation that

still prevails among the heiresses of our dutch villages. Such were the beauteous belles of the ancient city of

New Amsterdam, rivalling in pri m�val simplicity of manners, the renowned and courtly dames, so loftily

sung by Dan Homer who tells us that the princess Nausicaa, washed the family linen, and the fair

The gentlemen in fact, who figured in the circles of the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded in

most particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their

merits would make but a very in considerable impression, upon the heart of a modern fair; they neither

drove in their curricles nor sport ed their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt of

neither did they distin guish themselves by their brilliance at the table, and their consequent rencoutres

with watchmen, for our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of the night,

every soul throughout the town being in full snore before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish their claims

by gentility at the expense of their taylors for as yet those offenders against the pockets of society, and the

tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in New Amsterdam; every good house wife

made the clothes of her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself, thought it no

Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of what is called

fire and spirit. Who held all la bour in contempt; skulked about docks and market places; loitered in the sun

shine; squandered what little money they could procure at hustle cap and chuck farthing, swore, boxed,

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

fought cocks, and raced their neighbours' horses in short who pro mised to be the wonder, the talk and

abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been un fortunately cut short, by an affair of honour

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of those days his dress, which served for both

morning and evening, street and drawing room, was a linsey woolsey coat, made perhaps by the fair hands of

the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large brass buttons. Half a score

of breeches heightened the proportions of his figure his shoes were decorat ed by enormous copper

buckles a low crowned broad brimmed hat overshadowed his burley visage, and his hair dangled down his

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's ob durate

heart not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his Gala tea, but one

of true delft manufacture and furnished with a charge of fragrant Cowpen tobacco. With this would he

resolutely set himself down before the fortress, and rarely failed in the process of time to smoke the fair

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, celebrated in many a long forgotten song as the real golden

age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit copperwashed coin. In that delightful period, a sweet and holy

calm reigned over the whole province. The Burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace the substantial solace

of his domes tic house, his well petticoated yffrouw, after her daily cares were done, sat soberly at her door,

with arms crossed over her apron of snowy white, with out being insulted by ribald street walkers or vaga

bond boys those unlucky urchins, who do so infest our streets, displaying under the roses of youth, the

thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten breeches and the damsel with petticoats of

half a score indulged in all the inno cent endearments of virtuous love, without fear and without reproach

for what had that virtue to fear, which was defended by a shield of good linsey woolseys, equal at least to the

Thrice happy, and never to be forgotten age! when every thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever

will be again when Buttermilk channel was quite dry at low water when the shad in the Hudson were

all salmon, and when the moon shone with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of that melancholy

yellow light, which is the consequence of her sickening at the abominations she every night witnesses in this

In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, which ends very differently from what it com

In the year of our Lord, one thousand eight hundred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the mellow month of

October, I took my customary walk upon the battery, which is at once the pride and bulwark of this ancient

and impregnable city of New York. I remember well the season, for it immediately pre ceded that

remarkably cold winter, in which our sagacious corporation, in a spasm of economical philanthropy, pulled to

pieces, at an expense of se veral hundred dollars, the wooden ramparts, which had cost them several

thousand; and distributed the rotten fragments, which were worth considera bly less than nothing, among

the shivering poor of the city never, since the fall of the walls of Jeri cho, or the heaven built battlements

of Troy, had there been known such a demolition nor did it go unpunished; five men, eleven old women

and nine teen children, besides cats, dogs and negroes, were blinded, in vain attempts to smoke themselves

warm, with this charitable substitute for firewood, and an epidemic complaint of sore eyes was moreover

pro duced, which has since recurred every winter; par ticularly among those who undertake to burn rotten

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

On the year and month just designated, did I take my accustomed walk of meditation, on that same battery,

which, though at present, no battery, furnishes the most delightful walk, and commands the noblest prospect,

in the whole known world. The ground on which I trod was hallowed by re collections of the past, and as I

slowly wandered through the long alleys of poplars, which, like so many birch brooms standing on end,

diffused a me lancholy and lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast between the surrounding

scenery, and what it was in the classic days of our fore fathers. Where the government house by name, but

the custom house by occupation, proudly rear ed its brick walls and wooden pillars; there whilome stood the

low but substantial, red tiled mansion of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks

of fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe; but, like many a whis kered warrior and gallant

militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone alas! those threatening bulwarks had long

since been sapped by time, and like the walls of Carthage, presented no traces to the enquiring eye of the

antiquarian. The mud breast works had long been levelled with the earth, and their scite converted into the

green lawns and leafy alleys of the battery; where the gay ap prentice sported his sunday coat, and the

laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his septennial tale of love into

the half averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The capacious bay still presented the same expan sive

sheet of water, studded with islands, sprinkled with fishing boats, and bounded by shores of pic turesque

beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed these shores had been violated by the savage hand of

cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impracticable thickets, had degenerated into teeming orchards and

waving fields of grain. Even Governors Island, once a smiling garden, apper taining to the sovereigns of the

province, was now covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block house so that this once

peaceful island re sembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to

For some time did I indulge in this pensive train of thought; contrasting in sober sadness, the pre sent day,

with the hallowed years behind the moun tains; lamenting the melancholy progress of im provement, and

praising the zeal, with which our worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks of venerable customs,

prejudices and errors, from the overwhelming tide of modern innovation when by degrees my ideas took a

different turn, and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of the beauties around me.

It was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous island of

Mannahata and its vicinity not a float ing cloud obscured the azure firmament the sun, rolling in

glorious splendour through his ethe rial course, seemed to expand his honest dutch countenance into an

unusual expression of benevo lence, as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city, which he delights to

visit with his most boun teous beams the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention,

lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour and the wave less bosom of the bay presented a

polished mirror, in which nature beheld herself and smiled! The standard of our city, which, like a choice

handker chief, is reserved for days of gala, hung motionless on the flag staff, which forms the handle to a

gigan tic churn; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen, which, like the tongues of the

immortal sex, are seldom still, now ceased to vi brate to the breath of heaven. Every thing seemed to

acquiesce in the profound repose of nature. The formidable eighteen pounders slept in the em brazures of

the wooden batteries, seemingly gather ing fresh strength, to fight the battles of their coun try on the next

fourth of July the solitary drum on Governor's island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels the

evening gun had not yet sounded its signal, for all the regular, well meaning poultry throughout the country,

to go to roost; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island and Communipaw, slumbered on their

rakes, and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un molested, in the soft mud of their native banks!

My own feelings sympathized in the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have dozed up on

one of those fragments of benches, which our benevolent magistrates have provided for the bene fit of

convalescent loungers, had not the extraordi nary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at defiance.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

In the midst of this soothing slumber of the soul, my attention was attracted to a black speck, peering above

the western horizon, just in the rear of Ber gen steeple gradually it augments and overhangs the

wouldbe cities of Jersey, Harsimus and Hobo ken, which, like three jockies, are starting cheek by jowl on

the career of existence, and jostling each other at the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the long shore

of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide shadows from the high settlements at Wee hawk quite to the lazaretto

and quarentine, erected by the sagacity of our police, for the embarrassment of commerce now it climbs

the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, like successive bil lows, shrouding the orb of day,

darkening the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and hail, and tempest in its bosom. The earth seems agitated

at the con fusion of the heavens the late waveless mirror is lashed into furious waves, that roll their

broken surges in hollow murmurs to the shore the oyster boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of

Gib bet Island, now hurry affrighted to the shore the late dignified, unbending poplar, writhes and twists,

before the merciless blast descending torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the battery

walks, the gates are thronged by 'prentices, servant maids and little Frenchmen, with their pocket

handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering from the storm the late beauteous prospect presents one scene

of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling back into one vast

turmoil, the conflicting elements of nature. Fancy to yourself, oh reader! the awful combat sung by old

Hesiod, of Jupiter, and the Titans fancy to yourself the long rebellowing ar tillery of heaven, streaming

at the heads of the gi gantic sons of earth. In short, fancy to yourself all that has ever been said or sung,

of tempest, storm and hurricane and you will save me the trouble of describing it.

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train band captains,

who march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, are points which I leave to the conjecture of the

reader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed also, to know the reason why I introduced this most

tremendous and un heard of tempest, to disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter point I will

gratuitously in struct his ignorance. The panorama view of the battery was given, merely to gratify the

reader with a correct description of that celebrated place, and the parts adjacent secondly, the storm was

played off, partly to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy

readers from falling asleep and partly to serve as a preparation, or rather an overture, to the tempes tuous

times, that are about to assail the pacific province of Nieuw Nederlandt and that overhang the slumbrous

administration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced playwright puts all the

fiddles, the french horns, the kettle drums and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of those

horrible and brimstone uproars, called Melodrames and it is thus he discharges his thunder, his lightening,

his rosin and saltpetre, preparatory to the raising of a ghost, or the murdering of a hero We will now

Whatever Plato, Aristotle, Grotius, Puffendorf, Sydney, Thomas Jefferson or Tom Paine may say to the

contrary, I insist that, as to nations, the old maxim that "honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruinous

mistake. It might have answered well enough in the honest times when it was made; but in these degenerate

days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of its dealings, it will fare something like an honest

man among thieves, who unless he has something more than his honest to depend upon, stands but a poor

chance of profiting by his company. Such at least was the case with the guileless government of the New

Netherlands; which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself down into the city of New

Am sterdam, as into a snug elbow chair and fell into a comfortable nap while in the mean time its

cunning neighbours stepp'd in and picked its pockets. Thus may we acribe the commencement of all the woes

of this great province, and its magnificent metro polis, to the tranquil security, or to speak more accurately,

to the unfortunate honesty of its govern ment. But as I dislike to begin an important part of my history,

towards the end of a chapter; and as my readers like myself must doubtless be ex ceedingly fatigued with

the long walk we have taken, and the tempest we have sustained I hold it meet we shut up the book,

smoke a pipe and having thus refreshed our spirits; take a fair start in the next chapter.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Con necticut and thereabouts Shewing moreover the true

meaning of liberty of conscience, and a curi ous device among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a

That my readers may the more fully compre hend the extent of the calamity, at this very mo ment

impending over the honest, unsuspecting pro vince of Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious Gover nor, it is

necessary that I should give some account of a horde of strange barbarians, bordering upon the eastern

Now so it came to pass, that many years previ ous to the time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of

England had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike in

which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion taking care to pay the toll gatherers by the way.

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much given to indulge their own opinions, on all manner of

subjects (a propensity, exceedingly ob noxious to your free governments of Europe) did most

presumptuously dare to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising what they consider ed a

As however they possessed that ingenious habit of mind which always thinks aloud; which in a man ner

rides cockahoop on the tongue, and is forever galloping into other people's ears, it naturally follow ed

that their liberty of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech, which being freely indulged, soon put the

country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant fathers of the church.

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, that in those days were considered so effica cious in

bringing back stray sheep to the fold; that is to say, they were coaxed, they were admo nished, they were

menaced, they were buffeted line upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there a

great deal, were exhaust ed without mercy, but without success; until at length the worthy pastors of the

church wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven in the excess of their tender mercy, to

Nothing however could subdue that invincible spirit of independence which has ever distinguished this

singular race of people, so that rather than sub mit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all em barked for

the wilderness of America, where they might enjoy unmolested, the inestimable luxury of talking. No sooner

did they land on this loquaci ous soil, than as if they had caught the disease from the climate, they all lifted

up their voices at once, and for the space of one whole year, did keep up such a joyful clamour, that we are

told they frightened every bird and beast out of the neigh bourhood, and so completely dumbfounded cer

tain fish, which abound on their coast, that they have been called dumbfish ever since.

From this simple circumstance, unimportant as it may seem, did first originate that renowned privilege so

loudly boasted of throughout this country which is so eloquently exercised in news papers, pamphlets,

ward meetings, pothouse com mittees and congressional deliberations which es tablishes the right of

talking without ideas and without information of misrepresenting public af fairs; of decrying public

measures of aspersing great characters, and destroying little ones; in short, that grand palladium of our

country, the liberty of speech; or as it has been more vulgarly denominated the gift of the gab.

The simple aborigenes of the land for a while contemplated these strange folk in utter astonish ment, but

discovering that they wielded harmless though noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, goodhumoured

race of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name of Yanokies, which in the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

MaisTchusaeg (or Massa chusett) language signifies silent men a waggish appellation, since shortened

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not allow me to pass it over in silence, that the zeal of these

good people, to maintain their rights and privileges unimpaired, did for a while betray them into errors, which

it is easier to pardon than de fend. Having served a regular apprenticeship in the school of persecution, it

behoved them to shew that they had become proficients in the art. They accordingly employed their leisure

hours in banish ing, scourging or hanging, divers heretical papists, quakers and anabaptists, for daring to

abuse the liberty of conscience; which they now clearly prov ed to imply nothing more, than that every man

should think as he pleased in matters of religion provided he thought right; for otherwise it would be

giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now as they (the majority) were perfectly convinced that they alone

thought right, it consequently followed, that whoever thought different from them though wrong and

whoever thought wrong and obstinate ly persisted in not being convinced and converted, was a flagrant

violater of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of the body politic, and

Now I'll warrant, there are hosts of my rea ders, ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that

virtuous indignation with which we al ways contemplate the faults and errors of our neighbours, and to

exclaim at these well meaning but mistaken people, for inflicting on others the in juries they had suffered

themselves for indulging the preposterous idea of convincing the mind by toasting the carcass, and

establishing the doctrine of charity and forbearance, by intolerant persecu tion. But soft you, my very

captious sirs! what are we doing at this very day, and in this very en lightened nation, but acting upon the

very same principle, in our political controversies. Have we not within but a few years released ourselves

from the shackles of a government, which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing ourselves, and using in

full latitude that invaluable member, the tongue? and are we not at this very moment striving our best to

tyrannise over the opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one another? What are our great

political societies, but mere political inquisitions our pothouse committees, but little tribunals of

denunciation our newspapers but mere whipping posts and pillories, where unfortu nate individuals are

pelted with rotten eggs and our council of appointment but a grand auto de f�, where culprits are

Where then is the difference in principle be tween our measures and those you are so ready to condemn

among the people I am treating of? There is none; the difference is merely circumstantial. Thus we

denounce, instead of banishing We libel instead of scourging we turn out of office instead of hanging

and where they burnt an offender in propria person� we either tar and feather or burn him in effigy

this political persecution being, some how or other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and an

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of

unbelievers, we do not find that the population of this new colony was in any wise hindered thereby; on the

contrary they multiplied to a degree, which would be incredible to any man unacquainted with the marvellous

This amazing increase, may indeed be partly ascribed to a singular custom prevalent among them, and which

was probably borrowed from the ancient republic of Sparta; where we are told the young ladies, either from

being great romps and hoydens, or else like many modern heroines, very fond of med dling with matters

that did not appertain to their sex, used frequently to engage with the men, in wrestling, and other athletic

exercises of the gym nasium. The custom to which I allude was vul garly known by the name of bundling

a supersti tious rite observed by the young people of both sexes, with which they usually terminated their

fes tivities; and which was kept up with religious strictness, by the more bigoted and vulgar part of the

community. This ceremony was like wise, in those primitive times considered as an in dispensible

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preliminary to matrimony; their court ships commencing, where ours usually finish by which means they

acquired that intimate acquain tance with each others good qualities before mar riage, that has been

pronounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious

people, display a shrewd ness at making a bargain which has ever since dis tinguished them and a strict

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chief ly attribute the unparalleled increase of the yanokie or

yankee tribe; for it is a certain fact, well authen ticated by court records and parish registers, that wherever

the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an nually born unto the

state, without the license of the law, or the benefit of clergy; and it is truly aston ishing that the learned

Malthus, in his treatise on population, has entirely overlooked this singular fact. Neither did the irregularity

of their birth operate in the least to their disparagement. On the contrary they grew up a long sided, raw

boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood cutters, fish ermen and pedlars, and strapping cornfed

wenches; who by their united efforts tended marvellously to wards populating those notable tracts of

How these singular barbarians turned out to be notorious squatters. How they built air castles, and attempted

In the last chapter, my honest little reader, I have given thee a faithful and unprejudiced account, of the origin

of that singular race of people, inhabit ing the country eastward of the Nieuw Nederlandts; but I have yet to

mention certain peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly obnoxious to our ever honoured dutch

The most prominent of these was a certain rambling propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they

seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which continually goads them on, to shift their residence from place

to place, so that a Yankey farmer is in a constant state of migration; tarrying occasionally here and there;

clearing lands for other people to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner may be

His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, is to settle himself in the world which means

nothing more nor less than to begin his ram bles. To this end he takes unto himself for a wife, some dashing

country heiress; that is to say, a buxom rosy cheeked wench, passing rich in red ribbands, glass beads and

mock tortoiseshell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the

Having thus provided himself, like a true pedlar with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders

through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the peregrination. His whole family, household furniture

and farming utensils are hoisted into a covered cart; his own and his wife's ward robe packed up in a firkin

which done, he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles "yankee doodle" and trudges off to the

woods, as confident of the protection of providence, and relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did

ever a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in

the wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away a cornfield and potatoe patch, and, providence

smiling upon his labours, is soon sur rounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen headed

urchins, who by their size, seem to have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop of toadstools.

But it is not the nature of this most indefatiga ble of speculators, to rest contented with any state of

sublunary enjoyment improvement is his darling passion, and having thus improved his lands the next

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

care is to provide a mansion worthy the resi dence of a land holder. A huge palace of pine boards

immediately springs up in the midst of the wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished with

windows of all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it a fit of the ague.

By the time the outside of this mighty air cas tle is completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer

are exhausted, so that he barely mana ges to half finish one room within, where the whole family burrow

together while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and

potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful festoons of wilted peaches and dried apples. The outside remaining

unpainted, grows venerably black with time: the family wardrobe is laid under con tribution for old hats,

petticoats and breeches to stuff into the broken windows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a whistling

and howling about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gam bols, as they did of yore, in the cave of

The humble log hut, which whilome nestled this improving family snugly within its narrow but comfortable

walls, stands hard by in ignominious contrast, degraded into a cow house or pig stye; and the whole scene

reminds one forcibly of a fa ble, which I am surprised has never been recorded, of an aspiring snail who quit

his humble habitation which he filled with great respectability, to crawl into the empty shell of a lobster

where he would no doubt have resided with great style and splen dour, the envy and hate of all the

painstaking snails of his neighbourhood, had he not accidentally perished with cold, in one corner of his

Being thus completely settled, and to use his own words, "to rights," one would imagine that he would begin

to enjoy the comforts of his situa tion, to read newspapers, talk politics, neglect his own business, and attend

to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen; but now it is that his wayward disposition

begins again to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot, where there is no longer any room for improvement

sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the

head of his family, and wanders away in search of new lands again to fell trees again to clear corn

Such were the people of Connecticut, who bor dered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw Neder landts, and

my readers may easily imagine what obnoxious neighbors this light hearted but restless tribe must have been

to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them, if they have ever known one of our regular, well

organized, antedi luvian dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict with the neighbourhood of a

French board ing house. The honest old burgher cannot take his afternoon's pipe, on the bench before his

door, but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and the squalling of chil

dren he cannot sleep at night for the horrible me lodies of some amateur, who chooses to serenade the

moon, and display his terrible proficiency in execution, by playing demisemiquavers in alt on the clarionet,

the hautboy, or some other soft toned in strument nor can he leave the street door open, but his house is

defiled by the unsavoury visits of a troop of pug dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such a family, so situated, they may form some idea, how

our worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut.

Gangs of these marauders we are told, pene trated into the New Netherland settlements and threw whole

villages into consternation by their unparalleled volubility and their intolerable inquisi tiveness two evil

habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred; for our an cestors were noted, as

being men of truly spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor cared aught about any body's concerns but

their own. Many enormities were committed on the high ways, where several unoffending burghers were

brought to a stand, and so tortured with questions and guesses, that it was a miracle they escaped with their

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their intermeddling and successes among the divine sex; for being

a race of brisk, likely, pleasant tongued varlets, they soon seduced the light affections of the simple damsels,

from their honest but ponder ous dutch gallants. Among other hideous customs they attempted to introduce

among them that of bundling, which the dutch lasses of the Neder landts, with that eager passion for novelty

and fo reign fashions, natural to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow, but that their mothers, be

ing more experienced in the world, and better ac quainted with men and things strenuously discoun

But what chiefly operated to embroil our an cestors with these strange folk, was an unwarrant able liberty

which they occasionally took, of enter ing in hordes into the territories of the New Netherlands, and settling

themselves down, without leave or licence, to improve the land, in the manner I have before noticed. This

unceremonious mode of taking possession of new land was technically termed squatting, and hence is derived

the appella tion of squatters; a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, and which is given to those

enter prizing worthies, who seize upon land first, and take their chance to make good their title to it

All these grievances, and many others which were constantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and

portentous cloud, which as I observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of

New Netherlands. The pa cific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore

them all with a mag nanimity that redounds to their immortal credit becoming by passive endurance

inured to this in creasing mass of wrongs; like the sage old woman of Ephesus, who by dint of carrying

about a calf, from the time it was born, continued to carry it without difficulty, when it had grown to be an

How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguer ed how the renowned Wouter fell into a pro found

By this time my readers must fully perceive, what an arduous task I have undertaken collect ing and

collating with painful minuteness, the chro nicles of past times, whose events almost defy the powers of

research raking in a little kind of Her culaneum of history, which had lain nearly for ages, buried under

the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten raking up the limbs and frag ments of disjointed facts,

and endeavouring to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to their original form and

connection now lugging forth the character of an almost forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue now

decyphering a half defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which after painful

In such case how much has the reader to depend upon the honour and probity of his author, lest like a

cunning antiquarian, he either impose upon him some spurious fabrication of his own, for a precious relique

from antiquity or else dress up the dis membered fragment, with such false trappings, that it is scarcely

possible to distinguish the truth from the fiction with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I have

more than once had to la ment, in the course of my wearisome researches among the works of my fellow

historians; who have strangely disguised and distorted the facts respect ing this country; and particularly

respecting the great province of New Netherlands; as will be perceived by any who will take the trouble to

com pare their romantic effusions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this excellent lit tle

history universally to be renowned for its se vere simplicity and unerring truth.

I have had more vexations of the kind to en counter, in those parts of my history which treat of the

transactions on the eastern border, than in any other, in consequence of the troops of histo rians who have

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

infested these quarters, and have shewn the honest people of New Nederlandt no mercy in their works.

Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares that "the Dutch were always mere intruders."

Now to this I shall make no other reply, than to proceed in the steady narration of my history, which will

contain not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, and

that they were wrongfully dispossessed there of but likewise that they have been scandalously maltreated

ever since, by the misrepresentations of the crafty historians of New England. And in this I shall be guided by

a spirit of truth and impar tiality, and a regard to my immortal fame for I would not wittingly dishonour

my work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation or prejudice, though it should gain our forefathers the

It was at an early period of the province, and pre vious to the arrival of the renowned Wouter that the

cabinet of Nieuw Nederlandts purchased the lands about the Connecticut, and established, for their

superintendance and protection, a fortified post on the banks of the river, which was called Fort Goed Hoop,

and was situated hard by the present fair city of Hartford. The command of this important post, together with

the rank, title, and appointments of commissary, were given in charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or as

some historians will have it Van Curlis a most doughty soldier of that sto machful class of which we

have such numbers on pa rade days who are famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very soldierlike

appearance, and would have been an exceeding tall man, had his legs been in proportion to his body; but the

latter being long, and the former uncommonly short, it gave him the uncouth appearance of a tall man's body,

mounted upon a little man's legs. He made up for this turn spit construction of body by throwing his legs to

such an extent when he marched, that you would have sworn he had on the identical seven league boots of the

farfamed Jack the giant killer; and so astonishingly high did he tread on any great milita ry occasion, that his

soldiers were oft times alarm ed, lest the little man should trample himself under foot.

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the appointment of this ugly little man of war as a

commander, the intrepid Yankees, continued those daring interlopings which I have hinted at in my last

chapter; and taking advantage of the character which the cabinet of Wouter Van Twil ler soon acquired, for

profound and phlegmatic tranquillity did audaciously invade the territo ries of the Nieuw Nederlandts,

On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van Curlet proceeded as became a prompt and valiant officer. He

immediately protested against these unwarrantable encroachments, in low dutch, by way of inspiring more

terror, and forthwith dis patched a copy of the protest to the governor at New Amsterdam, together with a

long and bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered his men, one and all to be of

good cheer shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went to bed and awaited the result with a resolute

and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly ani mated his adherents, and no doubt struck sore dis may and affright

Now it came to pass, that about this time, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, and

council dinners, had reached that pe riod of life and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, entitle a

man to admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed his time in smoking his turkish pipe,

amid an as semblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly as venerable as himself, and who for their

silence, their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to coming to any conclusion in business,

are only to be equalled by certain profound cor porations which I have known in my time. Upon reading the

protest of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet therefore, his excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest

doubts that ever he was known to encounter; his capacious head gradually drooped on his chest,25 he closed

his eyes and inclined his ear to one side, as if listening with great attention to the discussion that was going on

in his belly; which all who knew him, declared to be the huge courthouse, or council chamber of his

thoughts; forming to his head what the house of representa tives does to the senate. An inarticulate sound,

very much resembling a snore, occasionally escap ed him but the nature of this internal cogitation, was

never known, as he never opened his lips on the subject to man, woman or child. In the mean time, the protest

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

of Van Curlet laid quietly on the ta ble, where it served to light the pipes of the venerable sages assembled

in council; and in the great smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty Fort

Goed Hoop, were soon as completely beclouded and forgotten, as is a ques tion of emergency swallowed up

There are certain emergencies when your pro found legislators and sage deliberative councils, are mightily

in the way of a nation; and when an ounce of hairbrained decision, is worth a pound of sage doubt, and

cautious discussion. Such at least was the case at present; for while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was

daily battling with his doubts, and his resolution growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy

pushed further and further into his territories, and assumed a most formidable appearance in the

neighbourhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded the mighty town of Pyquag, or as it has since been

called Weathersfield, a place which, if we may credit the assertions of that worthy historian John Josselyn,

Gent. "hath been infamous by reason of the witches therein." And so daring did these men of Pyquag

become, that they extended those plantations of onions, for which their town is illustrious, under the very

noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop insomuch that the honest dutchmen could not look toward that

This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely

trembled with the amazing violence of his choler and the exacerbations of his valour; which seemed to be the

more turbulent in their workings, from the length of the body, in which they were agitated. He forthwith

proceeded to strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with

a double row of abbatis; after which valiant precau tions, he with unexampled intrepidity, dispatched a fresh

courier with tremendous accounts of his peri lous situation. Never did the modern hero, who immortalized

himself at the second Sabine war, shew greater valour in the art of letter writing, or distinguish himself more

The courier chosen to bear these alarming dis patches, was a fat, oily little man, as being least liable to be

worn out, or to lose leather on the jour ney; and to insure his speed, he was mounted on the fleetest waggon

horse in the garrison; remarkable for his length of limb, largeness of bone, and hard ness of trot; and so tall,

that the little messenger was obliged to climb on his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such

extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in little less than a month, though the

The extraordinary appearance of this portentous stranger would have thrown the whole town of New

Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good people troubled themselves about any thing more than their

domestic affairs. With an appearance of great hurry and business, and smoking a short travelling pipe, he

proceeded on a long swing trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, de molishing whole batches of

dirt pies, which the little dutch children were making in the road; and for which kind of pastry the children of

this city have ever been famous On arriving at the governor's house he climbed down from his steed in

great trepida tion; roused the grey headed door keeper, old Skaats who like his lineal decendant, and faithful

representa tive, the venerable crier of our court, was nodding at his post rattled at the door of the council

cham ber, and startled the members as they were dozing over a plan for establishing a public market.

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep drawn snore was heard from the chair of the governor; a

whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to escape from his lips, and a slight cloud to ascend from the

bowl of his pipe. The council of course supposed him engaged in deep sleep for the good of the community,

and according to cus tom in all such cases established, every man bawled out silence, in order to maintain

tranquillity; when of a sudden, the door flew open and the little cou rier straddled into the apartment, cased

to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he

held forth the ominous dispatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the waistband of his galligaskins;

which had unfortunately given way, in the exertion of descending from his horse. He stumped resolute ly up

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

to the governor, and with more hurry than perspicuity delivered his message. But fortunate ly his ill tidings

came too late, to ruffle the tran quillity of this most tranquil of rulers. His venera ble excellency had just

breathed and smoked his last his lungs and his pipe having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul,

as Dan Homer would have said, having escaped in the last whiff that curled from his tobacco pipe. In a

word the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, alias Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his co

temporaries, now slept with his fathers, and Wil helmus Kieft governed in his stead. END OF BOOK III

[25] "Perplexed with vast affairs of state and town, `His great head being overset, hangs down." Telecides, on

Exposing the craftiness and artful devices of those arch Free Booters, the Book Makers, and their trusty

Squires, the Book Sellers. Containing furthermore, the universal acquirements of Wil liam the Testy, aud

If ever I had my readers completely by the but ton, it is at this moment. Here is a redoubtable fortress

reduced to the greatest extremity; a valiant commander in a state of the most imminent jeopar dy and a

legion of implacable foes thronging upon every side. The sentimental reader is preparing to indulge his

sympathies, and bewail the sufferings of the brave. The philosophic reader, to come with his first principles,

and coolly take the dimensions and ascertain the proportions of great actions, like an antiquary, measuring a

pyramid with a twofoot rule while the mere reader, for amusement, pro mises to regale himself after

the monotonous pages through which he has dozed, with murders, rapes, ravages, conflagrations, and all the

other glorious incidents, that give eclat to victory, and grace the triumph of the conqueror.

Thus every reader must press forward he can not refrain, if he has the least spark of curiosity in his

disposition, from turning over the ensuing page. Having therefore gotten him fairly in my clutches what

hinders me from indulging in a little recrea tion, and varying the dull task of narrative by stul tifying my

readers with a drove of sober reflections about this, that and the other thing by pushing forward a few of

my own darling opinions; or talk ing a little about myself all which the reader will have to peruse, or else

give up the book altogether, and remain in utter ignorance of the mighty deeds, and great events, that are

To let my readers into a great literary secret, your experienced writers, who wish to instil pecu liar tenets,

either in religion, politics or morals, do often resort to this expedient illustrating their fa vourite doctrines

by pleasing fictions on established facts and so mingling historic truth, and subtle speculation together,

that the unwary million never perceive the medley; but, running with open mouth, after an interesting story,

are often made to swallow the most heterodox opinions, ridiculous theories, and abominable heresies. This is

par ticularly the case with the industrious advocates of the modern philosophy, and many an honest unsus

picious reader, who devours their works under an idea of acquiring solid knowledge, must not be sur prised

This same expedient is likewise a literary artifice, by which one sober truth, like a patient and laborious pack

horse, is made to carry a couple of pan niers of rascally little conjectures on its back. In this manner books

are encreased, the pen is kept going and trade flourishes; for if every writer were obliged to tell merely what

he knew, there would soon be an end of great books, and Tom Thumb's folio would be considered as a

gigantic production A man might then carry his library in his pocket, and the whole race of book makers,

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

book printers, book binders and book sellers might starve together; but by being entitled to tell every thing he

thinks, and every thing he does not think to talk about every thing he knows, or does not know to con

jecture, to doubt, to argue with himself, to laugh with and laugh at his reader, (the latter of which we writers

do nine times out of ten in our sleeves) to indulge in hypotheses, to deal in dashes and stars **** and a

thousand other innocent indul gencies all these I say, do marvelously concur to fill the pages of books,

the pockets of booksellers, and the hungry stomachs of authors do contribute to the amusement and

edification of the reader, and redound to the glory, the encrease and the profit of the craft!

Having thus, therefore, given my readers the whole art and mystery of book making, they have nothing

further to do, than to take pen in hand, set down and write a book for themselves while in the mean time I

will proceed with my history, without claiming any of the privileges above re cited.

Wilhelmus Kieft who in 1634 ascended the Gubernatorial chair, (to borrow a favourite, though clumsy

appellation of modern phraseologists) was in form, feature and character, the very reverse of Wouter Van

Twiller, his renowned predecessor. He was of very respectable descent, his father being Inspector of

Windmills in the ancient town of Saardam; and our hero we are told made very curious investigations into the

nature and operations of these machines when a little boy, which is one reason why he afterwards came to be

so ingenious a governor. His name according to the most in genious etymologists was a corruption of

Kyver, that is to say a wrangler or scolder, and expressed the hereditary disposition of his family; which for

nearly two centuries, had kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more tartars and

brimstones than any ten families in the place and so truly did Wilhelmus Kieft inherit this family

endowment, that he had scarcely been a year in the discharge of his government, before he was univer sally

He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had dried and wilted away, partly through the natural

process of years, and partly from being parched and burnt up by his fiery soul; which blazed like a vehement

rush light in his bosom, constantly inciting him to most valourous broils, altercations and misadventures. I

have heard it observed by a profound and philosophical judge of human nature, that if a woman waxes fat as

she grows old, the tenure of her life is very precarious, but if haply she wilts, she lives forever such like

wise was the case with William the Testy, who grew tougher in proportion as he dried. He was some such a

little dutchman as we may now and then see, stumping briskly about the streets of our city, in a broad skirted

coat, with buttons nearly as large as the shield of Ajax, which makes such a figure in Dan Homer, an old

fashioned cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His visage was broad, but

his features sharp, his nose turned up with a most petulant curl; his cheeks, like the region of Terra del Fuego,

were scorched into a dusky red doubtless in conse quence of the neighbourhood of two fierce little grey

eyes, through which his torrid soul beamed as fervently, as a tropical sun blazing through a pair of burning

glasses. The corners of his mouth were curiously modeled into a kind of fret work, not a little resembling the

wrinkled proboscis of an irri table pug dog in a word he was one of the most positive, restless, ugly little

Such were the personal endowments of Wil liam the Testy, but it was the sterling riches of his mind that

raised him to dignity and power. In his youth he had passed with great credit through a celebrated academy at

the Hague, noted for pro ducing finished scholars, with a dispatch unequal led, except by certain of our

American colleges, which seem to manufacture bachelors of arts, by some patent machine. Here he

skirmished very smartly on the frontiers of several of the sciences, and made such a gallant inroad into the

dead lan guages, as to bring off captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together with divers pithy

saws and apothegms, all which he constantly pa raded in conversation and writing, with as much vain glory

as would a triumphant general of yore display the spoils of the countries he had ravaged. He had moreover

puzzled himself considerably with logic, in which he had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar

acquaintance, by name at least, with the whole family of syllogisms and di lemmas; but what he chiefly

valued himself on, was his knowledge of metaphysics, in which, hav ing once upon a time ventured too

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

deeply, he came well nigh being smothered in a slough of unintelligi ble learning a fearful peril, from the

effects of which he never perfectly recovered. In plain words, like many other profound intermeddlers in

this abstruse bewildering science, he so confused his brain, with abstract speculations which he could not

comprehend, and artificial distinctions which he could not realize, that he could never think clearly on any

subject however simple, through the whole course of his life afterwards. This I must confess was in some

measure a misfortune, for he never engaged in argument, of which he was exceeding fond, but what between

logical deductions and metaphysical jargon, he soon involved himself and his subject in a fog of

contradictions and perplexi ties, and then would get into a mighty passion with his adversary, for not being

It is in knowledge, as in swimming, he who ostentatiously sports and flounders on the surface, makes more

noise and splashing, and attracts more attention, than the industrious pearl diver, who plunges in search of

treasures to the bottom. The "universal acquirements" of William Kieft, were the subject of great marvel and

admiration among his countrymen he figured about at the Hague with as much vain glory, as does a

profound Bonze at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the Chinese alphabet; and in a word was

unanimously pronounced an universal genius! I have known many universal geniuses in my time, though

to speak my mind freely I never knew one, who, for the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his weight in

straw but for the purposes of government, a little sound judgment and plain common sense, is worth all

Strange as it may sound therefore, the universal acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus, were very much

in his way, and had he been a less learn ed little man, it is possible he would have been a much greater

governor. He was exceedingly fond of trying philosophical and political experiments; and having stuffed his

head full of scraps and rem nants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and aris tocracies, and monarchies,

and the laws of Solon and Lycurgus and Charondas, and the imaginary commonwealth of Plato, and the

Pandects of Jus tinian, and a thousand other fragments of venerable antiquity, he was forever bent upon

introducing some one or other of them into use; so that between one contradictory measure and another, he

entang led the government of the little province of Nieuw Nederlandts in more knots during his administra

No sooner had this bustling little man been blown by a whiff of fortune into the seat of gov ernment, than he

called together his council and de livered a very animated speech on the affairs of the province. As every

body knows what a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an emperor has, of drubbing his

enemies in his speeches, messages and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, they may be sure

the high mettled William Kieft did not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing that

gallant ry of tongue, common to all able legislators. Be fore he commenced, it is recorded that he took out

of his pocket a red cotton handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the usual

custom of great orators. This in general I believe is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the attention of the

auditors, but with William the testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he had read of the singular expedient

of that famous de magogue Caius Gracchus, who when he harangued the Roman populace, modulated his

tones by an oratorical flute or pitchpipe "which", said the shrewd Wilhelmus, "I take to be nothing more

nor less, than an elegant and figurative mode of saying he previously blew his nose."

This preparatory symphony being performed, he commenced by expressing a humble sense of his own want

of talents his utter unworthiness of the honour conferred upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to

discharge the important duties of his new station in short, he expressed so contempti ble an opinion of

himself, that many simple country members present, ignorant that these were mere words of course, always

used on such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt wrath that he should accept an office, for which he

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, profoundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpose, being

nothing more than a pompous account of all the governments of ancient Greece, and the wars of Rome and

Carthage, together with the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, about which the as sembly knew no

more than their great grand chil dren who were yet unborn. Thus having, after the manner of your learned

orators, convinced the au dience that he was a man of many words and great erudition, he at length came to

the less important part of his speech, the situation of the province and here he soon worked himself into

a fearful rage against the Yankees, whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the Goths and

Vandals who overran the fairest plains of Europe nor did he forget to mention, in terms of adequate

opprobrium, the insolence with which they had en croached upon the territories of New Netherlands, and

the unparalleled audacity with which they had commenced the town of New Plymouth, and plant ed the

onion patches of Weathersfield under the ve ry walls, or rather mud batteries of Fort Goed Hoop.

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of ter ror to a climax, he assumed a self satisfied look, and

declared, with a nod of knowing import, that he had taken measures to put a final stop to these encroachments

that he had been obliged to have recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately in vented, awful in its

effects, but authorized by dire ful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to con quer the Yankees by

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instrument of the kind ordering, commanding and enjoining

the intruders aforesaid, forthwith to re move, depart and withdraw from the districts, re gions and

territories aforesaid, under pain of suffer ing all the penalties, forfeitures, and punishments in such case

made and provided, This procla mation he assured them, would at once exterminate the enemy from the

face of the country, and he pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months after it was published,

not one stone should remain on another, in any of the towns which they had built.

The council remained for some time silent, af ter he had finished; whether struck dumb with ad miration at

the brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of the times doth not

mention. Suffice it to say, they at length gave a universal grunt of acquiescence the proclamation was

immediately dispatched with due ceremony, having the great seal of the province, which was about the size

of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red ribband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his

indignation, felt great ly relieved adjourned the council sine die put on his cocked hat and corduroy

small clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned charger, trotted out to his country seat, which was situated in a

sweet, se questered swamp, now called Dutch street, but more commonly known by the name of Dog's

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of legislation, taking lessons in govern ment, not from

the Nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom; who was one of that peculiar kind of females,

sent upon earth a little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by the

appellation of knowing women. In fact, my duty as an his torian obliges me to make known a circumstance

which was a great secret at the time, and conse quently was not a subject of scandal at more than half the tea

tables in New Amsterdam, but which like many other great secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of years

and this was, that the great Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of the most po tent little men that ever

breathed, yet submitted at at home to a species of government, neither laid down in Aristotle, nor Plato; in

short, it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familarly denominated petticoat government.

An absolute sway, which though exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare among the

ancients, if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic economy of honest Socrates; which is the

The great Kieft however, warded off all the sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready

to joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alledging that it was a government of his own election,

which he submitted to through choice; adding at the same time that it was a pro found maxim which he had

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

found in an ancient au thor "he who would aspire to govern, should first learn to obey."

In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler of universal Genius. The art of Fighting by

Proclamation, and how that the valiant Jaco bus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed

Never was a more comprehensive, a more ex peditious, or, what is still better, a more econo mical measure

devised, than this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation an expedient, likewise, so humane, so gentle

and pacific; there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding, but then there was one chance to ten

that it would not succeed as the illnatured fates would have it, that single chance carried the day! The

proclama tion was perfect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed and well published

all that was wanting to insure its effect, was that the Yankees should stand in awe of it; but, provok ing to

relate, they treated it with the most abso lute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose, which shall be

nameless, and thus did the first war like proclamation come to a shameful end a fate which I am credibly

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be persuaded by the united efforts of all his counsel lors,

that his war measure had failed in producing any effect. On the contrary, he flew in a passion whenever

any one dared to question its efficacy; and swore, that though it was slow in operating, yet when once it

began to work, it would soon purge the land from these rapacious intruders. Time however, that tester of all

experiments both in phi losophy and politics, at length convinced the great Kieft, that his proclamation was

abortive; and that notwithstanding he had waited nearly four years, in a state of constant irritation, yet he was

still further off than ever from the object of his wishes. His implacable adversaries in the east became more

and more troublesome in their encroachments, and founded the thriving colony of Hartford close upon the

skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They moreover com menced the fair settlement of Newhaven (alias the Red Hills)

within the domains of their high migh tinesses while the onion patches of Pyquag were a continual eye

sore to the garrison of Van Curlet. Upon beholding therefore the inefficacy of his mea sure, the sage Kieft

like many a worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to the medicine, but the quantity administered,

In the year 1638 therefore, that being the fourth year of his reign, he fulminated against them a se cond

proclamation, of heavier metal than the for mer; written in thundering long sentences, not one word of

which was under five syllables. This, in fact, was a kind of nonintercourse bill, forbidding and prohibiting

all commerce and connexion, be tween any and every of the said Yankee intruders, and the said fortified

post of Fort Goed Hoop, and ordering, commanding and advising, all his trusty, loyal and wellbeloved

subjects, to furnish them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread or sour crout; to buy none of their pacing

horses, meazly pork, apple brandy, Yankee rum, cyder water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions or

Another pause of a twelve month ensued, du ring which the last proclamation received the same attention,

and experienced the same fate as the first at the end of which term, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet

dispatched his annual messenger, with his customary budget of complaints and entreaties. Whether the

regular interval of a year, intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was occasioned by the

systematic regularity of his movements, or by the immense distance at which he was stationed from the seat

of government is a matter of uncertainty. Some have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, who, as I

have be fore noticed, were chosen from the shortest and fat test of his garrison, as least likely to be worn

out on the road; and who, being pursy, short winded little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a day, and

then laid by a whole week, to rest. All these, however, are matters of conjecture; and I rather think it may be

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

ascribed to the immemorial maxim of this worthy country and which has ever influenced all its public

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his dispatch es respectfully represented, that several years had now

elapsed, since his first application to his late excellency, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller: during which

interval, his garrison had been redu ced nearly oneeighth, by the death of two of his most valiant, and

corpulent soldiers, who had acci dentally over eaten themselves on some fat salmon, caught in the Varsche

rivier. He further stated that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the fort or its inhabitants;

but squatting themselves down, and forming settlements all around it; so that, in a little while, he should find

But among the most atrocious of his grievan ces, I find the following still on record, which may serve to

shew the bloody minded outrages of these savage intruders. "In the meane time, they of Hartford have not

onely usurped and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and against the lawes of

nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing theire owne purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed

them with corne in the night, which the Netherlanders had broken up and intended to sowe: and have beaten

the servants of the high and mighty the honored companie, which were labouring upon theire master's lands,

from theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and amongst the rest, struck Ever

Duckings26 a hole in his head, with a stick, soe that the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon his

"Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored companie, under pretence that it had eaten of

theire grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. They proferred the hogg for 5s. if the

commissioners would have given 5s. for damage; which the commissioners denied, be cause noe mans

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in censed the whole community there was something in it

that spoke to the dull comprehension, and touched the obtuse feelings even of the puissant vulgar, who

generally require a kick in the rear, to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have known my profound fellow

citizens bear without murmur, a thousand essential infringements of their rights, merely because they were

not immediately obvious to their senses but the moment the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, the

whole body politic was in a ferment so the enlighted Nederlanders, though they had treated the

encroachments of their eastern neighbours with but little regard, and left their quill valiant governor, to bear

the whole brunt of war, with his single pen yet now every indivi dual felt his head broken in the broken

head of Duckings and the unhappy fate of their fellow citizen the hog; being impressed, carried and sold

The governor and council, goaded by the clamours of the multitude, now set themselves ear nestly to

deliberate upon what was to be done. Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary disrepute; some were

for sending the Yankees a tribute, as we make peace offerings to the petty Barbary powers, or as the Indians

sacrifice to the devil. Others were for buying them out, but this was opposed, as it would be acknowledging

their title to the land they had seized. A variety of measures were, as usual in such cases, proposed, discussed

and abandoned, and the council had at last, to adopt the means, which being the most common and obvious,

had been knowingly over looked for your amazing acute politicians, are forever looking through

telescopes, which only enable them to see such objects as are far off, and unattainable; but which

incapacitates them to see such things as are in their reach, and obvious to all simple folk, who are content to

look with the naked eyes, heaven has given them. The profound council, as I have said, in their pursuit after

Jacko'lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the very measure they were in need of; which was to raise a body

of troops, and dispatch them to the relief and rein forcement of the garrison. This measure was carried into

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

such prompt operation, that in less than twelve months, the whole expedition, consist ing of a serjeant and

twelve men, was ready to march; and was reviewed for that purpose, in the public square, now known by the

name of the Bow ling Green. Just at this juncture the whole com munity was thrown into consternation, by

the sudden arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet; who came straggling into town at the head of his crew

of tatterdemalions, and bringing the melancholy tidings of his own defeat, and the capture of the redoubtable

The fate of this important fortress, is an impres sive warning to all military commanders. It was neither

carried by strom, nor famine; no practicable breach was effected by cannon or mines; no maga zines were

blown up by red hot shot, nor were the barracks demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by the bursting of

bombshells. In fact, the place was taken by a stratagem no less singular than effectual; and one that can never

fail of success, whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the credit of

our illustrious ancestors, that it was a stratagem, which though it impeached the vigilance, yet left the bravery

It appears that the crafty Yankees, having learn ed the regular habits of the garrison, watched a favourable

opportunity and silently introduced themselves into the fort, about the middle of a sultry day; when its

vigilant defenders having gorged themselves with a hearty dinner and smoak ed out their pipes, were one

and all snoring most obstreperously at their posts; little dreaming of so disasterous an occurrence. The enemy

most inhu manly seized Jacobus Van Curlet, and his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gallanted

them to the gate of the fort, and dismissed them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as Charles the twelfth

dismissed the heavy bottomed Russians, after the battle of Narva only taking care to give two kicks to

A strong garrison was immediately established in the fort; consisting of twenty long sided, hard fisted

Yankees; with Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats, by way of cockades and feathers long rusty

fowling pieces for muskets hasty pud ding, dumb fish, pork and molasses for stores; and a huge pumpkin

was hoisted on the end of a pole, as a standard liberty caps not having as yet come into fashion.

[26] This name is no doubt misspelt. In some old Dutch MSS. of the time, we find the name of Evert

Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and the great dolour of the New Amsterdam mers,

because of the affair of Fort Goed Hoop. And moreover how William the Testy fortified the city by a

Trumpeter a Flagstaff, and a Windmill. Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff.

Language cannot express the prodigious fury, into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this

provoking intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the little man was too great for words, or rather the

words were too great for him; and he was nearly choaked by some dozen huge, misshapen, nine cornered

dutch oaths, that crowd ed all at once into his gullet. A few hearty thumps on the back, fortunately rescued

him from suffoca tion and shook out of him a bushel or two of enormous execrations, not one of which

was smaller than "dunder and blixum!" It was a matter of astonishment to all the bye standers, how so

small a body, could have contained such an immense mass of words without bursting. Having blazed off the

first broadside, he kept up a constant firing for three whole days anathematizing the Yan kees, man,

woman, and child, body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist zoekeren,

loozenschalken blaeskaeken, kakken bedden, and a thousand other names of which, unfortunately for

posterity, history does not make particular mention. Finally he swore that he would have nothing more to do

with such a squatting, bundling, guessing, questioning, swap ping, pumpkineating, molassesdaubing,

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shingle splitting, ciderwatering, horsejockeying, notion peddling crew that they might stay at Fort

Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them away; in proof of which he

ordered the new raised troops, to be marched forthwith into winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite

mid summer. Governor Kieft faith fully kept his word, and his adversaries as faith fully kept their post;

and thus the glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay vallies through which it rolls, together with the

salmon, shad and other fish within its waters, fell into the hands of the victori ous Yankees, by whom they

Great despondency seized upon the city of New Amsterdam, in consequence of these melancholly events.

The name of Yankee became as terrible among our good ancestors, as was that of Gaul among the ancient

Romans; and all the sage old women of the province, who had not read Miss Hamilton on education, used it

The eyes of all the province were now turned upon their governor, to know what he would do for the

protection of the common weal in these days of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the

reflecting part of the commu nity, especially the old women, that these terrible fellows of Connecticut, not

content with the con quest of Fort Goed Hoop would incontinently march on to New Amsterdam and take it

by storm and as these old ladies, through means of the governor's spouse, who as has been already hinted,

was "the better horse," had obtained considerable influence in public affairs, keeping the province under a

kind of petticoat government, it was determined that measures should be taken for the effective fortifica tion

Now it happened that at this time there sojourned in New Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear27 a jolly fat

dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burley vi sage famous for his long wind and his huge whiskers, and who

as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an effect upon all within

hearing, as though ten thou sand bagpipes were singing most lustly i' the nose. Him did the illustrious

Kieft pick out as the man of all the world, most fitted to be the champion of New Amsterdam, and to garrison

its fort; making little doubt but that his instrument would be as ef fectual and offensive in war as was that of

the Pa ladin Astolpho, or the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to have seen

the governor snapping his fingers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter strutted up and down

the ramparts, fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice valorous editor

daringly insulting all the princi palities and powers on the other side of the At lantic.

Nor was he content with thus strongly garrison ing the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength

by furnishing it with a formidable bat tery of quaker guns rearing a stupendous flagstaff in the centre

which overtopped the whole city and moreover by building a great windmill on one of the bastions.28

This last to be sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification, but as I have already observed

William Kieft was notorious for innovations and experiments, and traditions do af firm that he was much

given to mechanical inven tions constructing patent smokejacks carts that went before the horses,

and especially erecting wind mills, for which machines he had acquired a singu lar predilection in his

All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were cried up with ecstasy by his adherents as proofs of his

universal genius but there were not wanting ill natured grumblers who railed at him as employ ing his

mind in frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to smokejacks and windmills, which should have been

occupied in the more important concerns of the province. Nay they even went so far as to hint once or twice,

that his head was turned by his experiments, and that he really thought to manage his government, as he did

his mills by mere wind! such is the illiberality and slander to which your enlightened rulers are ever

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Notwithstanding all the measures therefore of William the Testy to place the city in a posture of defence, the

inhabitants continued in great alarm and despondency. But fortune, who seems always careful, in the very

nick of time, to throw a bone for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling elf may be kept alive; did about this

time crown the arms of the province with success in another quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of

the forlorn Ne derlanders; otherwise there is no knowing to what lengths they might have gone in the excess

of their sorrowing "for grief," says the profound histo rian of the seven champions of Christendom, "is

Among the numerous inroads of the Moss troopers of Connecticut, which for some time past had

occasioned such great tribulation, I should par ticularly have mentioned a settlement made on the eastern

part of Long Island, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of its shell fish, was called Oyster Bay.

This was attacking the province in a most sensible part, and occasioned a great agitation at New Amsterdam.

It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to your skilful physiologists, that the high road to the affections, is

through the throat; and this may be accounted for on the same principles which I have already quoted, in my

strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is this fact unknown to the world at large; and hence do we observe, that the

surest way to gain the hearts of the million, is to feed them well and that a man is never so disposed to

flatter, to please and serve another, as when he is feeding at his expense; which is one reason why your rich

men, who give frequent dinners, have such abun dance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this principle

that our knowing leaders of parties secure the affections of their partizans, by rewarding them bountifully

with loaves and fishes; and entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them with bull feasts and

roasted oxen. I have known many a man, in this same city, acquire considerable im portance in society, and

usurp a large share of the good will of his enlightened fellow citizens, when the only thing that could be said

Since then the heart and the stomach are so nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what af fects the one,

must sympathetically affect the other. Now it is an equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the

stomach, there is none more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, called by naturalists the Ostea, but

known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. And in such great reverence has it ever been held, by my

gormandi zing fellow citizens, that temples have been dedica ted to it, time out of mind, in every street,

lane and alley throughout this well fed city. It is not to be expected therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a

place abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by the inhabitants of New Am sterdam.

An attack upon their honour they might have pardoned; even the massacre of a few citi zens might have

been passed over in silence; but an outrage that affected the larders of the great city of New Amsterdam, and

threatened the sto machs of its corpulent Burgomasters, was too seri ous to pass unrevenged. The whole

council were unanimous in opinion, that the intruders should be immediately driven by force of arms, from

Oyster Bay, and its vicinity, and a detachment was accor dingly dispatched for the purpose, under command

of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stoffel, the headbreaker) so called because he was a man

of mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole extent of Nieuw Nederlandts for his skill at quarterstaff, and

for size would have been a match for Colbrand, that famous Danish champion, slain by little Guy of

Stoffel Brinckerhoff was a man of few words, but prompt actions one of your straight going officers, who

march directly forward, and do their orders without making any parade about it. He used no extraordinary

speed in his movements, but trudged steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Jericho and Patchog,

and the mighty town of Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, which have by some unaccountable

witchcraft of the Yankees, been strangely transplanted to Long Island, until he arrived in the neighbourhood

Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and Habbakuk

Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittle and De termined Cock! at the

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sound of whose names the courageous Stoffel verily believed that the whole parliament of Praise God

Barebones had been let loose to discomfit him. Finding however that this formidable body was composed

merely of the "se lect men" of the settlement, armed with no other weapons but their tongues, and that they

had issued forth with no other intent, than to meet him on the field of argument he succeeded in putting

them to the rout with little difficulty, and completely broke up their settlement. Without waiting to write an

account of his victory on the spot, and thus letting the enemy slip through his fingers while he was securing

his own laurels, as a more experienced general would have done, the brave Stoffel thought of nothing but

completing his enterprize, and utterly driving the Yankees from the island. This hardy enterprize he

performed in much the same manner as he had been accustomed to drive his oxen; for as the Yankees fled

before him, he pulled up his breeches and trudged steadily after them, and would infallibly have driven them

The news of this achievement was a seasonable restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New Amsterdam.

To gratify them still more, the go vernor resolved to astonish them with one of those gorgeous spectacles,

known in the days of classic antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged into his memory, when a

schoolboy at the Hague. A grand triumph therefore was decreed to Stoffel Brinckerhoff, who made his

triumphant entrance into town riding on a Naraganset pacer; five pump kins, which like Roman eagles had

served the enemy for standards, were carried before him ten cart loads of oysters, five hundred bushels of

Wea thersfield onions, a hundred quintals of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses and various other

treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute of the Yankees; while three notorious counterfeiters of

Manhattan notes,29 were led captive to grace the hero's triumph. The procession was enlivened by martial

music, from the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear the champion, accompanied by a select band of boys and

negroes, performing on the national in struments of rattle bones and clam shells. The citizens devoured the

spoils in sheer gladness of heart every man did honour to the conqueror, by getting devoutly drunk on

New England rum and learned Wilhelmus Kieft calling to mind, in a mo mentary fit of enthusiasm and

generosity, that it was customary among the ancients to honour their vic torious generals with public statues,

passed a gra cious decree, by which every tavernkeeper was permitted to paint the head of the intrepid

[27] David Pietrez De Vries in his "Reyze naer Nieuw Nederlandt �nder het yaer 1640," makes mention of

one Corlear a trumpeter in fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook and who was doubtless this

[28] De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the southeast bastion, and it is likewise to be seen,

together with the flagstaff, in Justus Danker's View of New Amsterdam, which I have taken the liberty of

[29] This is one of those trivial anachronisms, that now and then occur in the course of this otherwise

authentic history. How could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, when as yet Banks were unknown in this

country and our simple progenitors had not even dreamt of those inexhaustible mines of paper opulence.

Philosophical reflections on the folly of being happy in time of prosperity. Sundry troubles on the

southern Frontiers. How William the Testy by his great learning had well nigh ruined the province

through a Cabalistic word. As also the secret expeditions of Jan Jansen Alpen den, and his astonishing

If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame Fortune, where, like a notable landlady, she regu larly chalks

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up the debtor and creditor accounts of mankind, we should find that, upon the whole, good and evil are pretty

nearly balanced in this world; and that though we may for a long while revel in the very lap of prosperity, the

time will at length come, when we must ruefully pay off the reckon ing. Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent

shrew, and withal a most inexorable creditor; for though she may indulge her favourites in long credits, and

overwhelm them with her favours; yet sooner or later, she brings up her arrears, with the rigour of an

experienced publican, and washes out her scores with their tears. "Since," says good old Boetius in his

consolations of philosophy, "since no man can retain her at his pleasure, and since her flight is so deeply

lamented, what are her favours but sure prognostications of approaching trouble and calamity."

There is nothing that more moves my con tempt at the stupidity and want of reflection in my fellow men,

than to behold them rejoicing, and in dulging in security and self confidence, in times of prosperity. To a

wise man, who is blessed with the light of reason, those are the very moments of anxiety and apprehension;

well knowing that ac cording to the system of things, happiness is at best but transient and that the

higher a man is ele vated by the capricious breath of fortune, the lower must be his proportionate

depression. Whereas, he who is overwhelmed by calamity, has the less chance of encountering fresh

disasters, as a man at the bottom of a hill, runs very little risk of break ing his neck by tumbling to the top.

This is the very essence of true wisdom, which consists in knowing when we ought to be misera ble; and

was discovered much about the same time with that invaluable secret, that "every thing is vanity and vexation

of spirit;" in consequence of which maxim your wise men have ever been the unhappiest of the human race;

esteeming it as an infalliable mark of genius to be distressed without reason since any man may be

miserable in time of misfortune, but it is the philosopher alone who can discover cause for grief in the very

According to the principle I have just advanc ed, we find that the colony of New Netherlands, which under

the reign of the renowned Van Twil ler, had flourished in such alarming and fatal se renity; is now paying

for its former welfare, and discharging the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. Foes harass it from

different quar ters; the city of New Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy is kept in constant alarm; and its

valiant commander little William the Testy answers the vulgar, but expressive idea of "a man in a peck of

While busily engaged repelling his bitter ene mies the Yankees, on one side, we find him sud denly

molested in another quarter, and by other assailants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the conduct of Peter

Minnewits, and professing al legience to that redoubtable virago, Christina queen of Sweden; had settled

themselves and erected a fort on south (or Delaware) river within the boundaries, claimed by the

Government of the New Netherlands. History is mute as to the par ticulars of their first landing, and their

real preten sions to the soil, and this is the more to be lament ed; as this same colony of Swedes will

hereafter be found most materially to affect, not only the in terests of the Nederlanders, but of the world at

In whatever manner therefore, this vagabond colony of Swedes first took possession of the coun try, it is

certain that in 1638, they established a fort, and Minnewits, according to the off hand usage of his

contemporaries, declared himself governor of all the adjacent country, under the name of the pro vince of

New Sweden. No sooner did this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, than, like a true spirited chieftan,

he immediately broke into a vio lent rage, and calling together his council, belabour ed the Swedes most

lustily in the longest speech that had ever been heard in the colony, since the memorable dispute of Ten

breeches and Tough breeches. Having thus given vent to the first ebul litions of his indignation, he had

resort to his fa vourite measure of proclamation, and dispatched one, piping hot, in the first year of his reign,

in forming Peter Minnewits that the whole territory, bordering on the south river, had, time out of mind,

been in possession of the Dutch colonists, having been "beset with forts, and sealed with their blood."

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The latter sanguinary sentence, would convey an idea of direful war and bloodshed; were we not relieved by

the information that it merely related to a fray, in which some half a dozen Dutchmen had been killed by the

Indians, in their benevolent at tempts to establish a colony and promote civiliza tion. By this it will be seen

that William Kieft, though a very small man, delighted in big expres sions, and was much given to a

praiseworthy figure in rhetoric, generally cultivated by your little great men, called hyperbole. A figure

which has been found of infinite service among many of his class, and which has helped to swell the grandeur

of ma ny a mighty selfimportant, but windy chief magis trate. Nor can I resist in this place, from observ

ing how much my beloved country is indebted to this same figure of hyperbole, for supporting cer tain of

her greatest characters statesmen, orators, civilians and divines; who by dint of big words, inflated

periods, and windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the surface of society, as ignorant swim mers are buoyed up

The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by ordering the selfdubbed governor, and his gang of

Swedish adventurers, immediately to leave the country under penalty of the high displeasure, and inevitable

vengeance of the puissant government of the Nieuw Nederlandts. This "strong measure," however, does not

seem to have had a whit more effect than its predecessors, which had been thun dered against the Yankees

the Swedes resolutely held on to the territory they had taken possession of whereupon matters for the

That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this insolent obstinacy in the Swedes, would appear in compatible

with his valourous temperament; but we find that about this time the little man had his hands full; and what

There is a certain description of active legisla tors, who by shrewd management, contrive always to have a

hundred irons on the anvil, every one of which must be immediately attended to; who conse quently are

ever full of temporary shifts and expe dients, patching up the public welfare and cobbling the national

affairs, so as to make nine holes where they mend one stopping chinks and flaws with whatever comes

first to hand, like the Yankees I have mentioned stuffing old clothes in broken win dows. Of this class of

statesmen was William the Testy and had he only been blessed with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal

been disciplined by a little discretion, there is very little doubt but he would have made the greatest governor

of his size on record the renowned governor of the island of Barataria alone excepted.

The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy was, that though no man could be more ready to stand forth in

an hour of emergency, yet he was so intent upon guarding the national pocket, that he suffered the enemy to

break its head in other words, what ever precaution for public safety he adopted, he was so intent upon

rendering it cheap, that he invariably rendered it ineffectual. All this was a remote con sequence of his

profound education at the Hague where having acquired a smattering of knowledge, he was ever after a

great conner of indexes, conti nually dipping into books, without ever studying to the bottom of any subject;

so that he had the scum of all kinds of authors fermenting in his pericrani um. In some of these title page

researches he un luckily stumbled over a grand political cabalistic word, which, with his customary facility

he imme diately incorporated into his great scheme of go vernment, to the irretrievable injury and delusion

of the honest province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and the eternal misleading, of all experimental rulers.

In vain have I pored over the Theurgia of the Chaldeans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necromancy of the

Arabians The Magic of the Persians the Hocus Pocus of the English, the Witchcraft of the Yankees,

or the Powwowing of the Indians to discover where the little man first laid eyes on this terrible word.

Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the Patriarch Abraham; nor the pages

of the Zohar, containing the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by the learned rabbi Simeon Jochaides, yield

any light to my en quiries Nor am I in the least benefited by my painful researches in the

Shemhamphorah of Ben jamin, the wandering Jew, though it enabled Davi dus Elm to make a ten days'

journey, in twenty four hours. Neither can I perceive the slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred

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name of four letters, the profoundest word of the Hebrew Cabala; a mystery, sublime, ineffable and incom

municable and the letters of which JodHeVan He, having been stolen by the Pagans, constituted their

great Name Jao, or Jove. In short, in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, magical and astro logical

researches, from the Tetractys of Pythago ras, to the recondite works of Breslaw and mother Bunch, I have

not discovered the least vestige of an origin of this word, nor have I discovered any word of sufficient

Not to keep my reader in any suspence, the word which had so wonderfully arrested the atten tion of

William the Testy and which in German characters, had a particularly black and ominous aspect, on being

fairly translated into the English is no other than economy a talismanic term, which by constant use and

frequent mention, has ceased to be formidable in our eyes, but which has as terrible potency as any in the

When pronounced in a national assembly it has an immediate effect in closing the hearts, becloud ing the

intellects, drawing the purse strings and but toning the breeches pockets of all philosophic legis lators. Nor

are its effects on the eye less wonder ful. It produces a contraction of the retina, an obscurity of the

christaline lens, a viscidity of the vitreous and an inspiration of the aqueous hu mours, an induration of the

tunica sclerotica and a convexity of the cornea; insomuch that the organ of vision loses its strength and

perspicuity, and the unfortunate patient becomes myopes or in plain English, purblind; perceiving only the

amount of immediate expense without being able to look fur ther, and regard it in connexion with the

ultimate object to be effected. "So that," to quote the words of the eloquent Burke, "a briar at his nose is of

greater magnitude than an oak at five hundred yards distance." Such are its instantaneous ope rations, and

the results are still more astonishing. By its magic influence seventyfours, shrink into frigates frigates

into sloops, and sloops into gun boats. As the defenceless fleet of Eneas, at the command of the protecting

Venus, changed into sea nymphs, and protected itself by diving; so the mighty navy of America, by the

cabalistic word economy, dwindles into small craft, and shelters itself in a millpond!

This all potent word, which served as his touchstone in politics, at once explains the whole system of

proclamations, protests, empty threats, windmills trumpeters, and paper war, carried on by Wilhelmus the

Testy and we may trace its opera tions in an armament which he fitted out in 1642 in a moment of great

wrath; consisting of two sloops and thirty men, under the command of Mynheer Jan Jansen Alpendam, as

admiral of the fleet, and commander in chief of the forces. This formidable expedition, which can only be

paralleled by some of the daring cruizes of our infant navy, about the bay and up the sound; was intended to

drive the Marylanders from the Schuylkill, of which they had recently taken possession and which was

claimed as part of the province of New Nederlants for it appears that at this time our in fant colony was

in that enviable state, so much coveted by ambitious nations, that is to say, the government had a vast extent

of territory; part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of which it had continually to quarrel about.

Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great mettle and prowess; and no way dismayed at the character

of the enemy; who were represented as a gigantic gunpowder race of men, who lived on hoe cakes and bacon,

drank mint juleps and brandy toddy, and were exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, tar and

feathering, and a variety of other athletic accomplishments, which they had borrowed from their cousins

german and prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable resemblance

notwithstanding all these alarming representations, the admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly with

his fleet, and arrived without disaster or opposition at the place of destination.

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in low dutch, which the wary Kieft had pre viously put in

his pocket; wherein he courteously commenced by calling them a pack of lazy, louting, dram drinking, cock

fighting, horse racing, slave driving, tavern haunting, sabbath breaking, mulatto breeding upstarts and

concluded by ordering them to evacuate the country immediately to which they most laconically replied in

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Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen Alpendam, nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made any calculation

and finding himself totally unpre pared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility he

concluded, like a most worthy admiral of a modern English expedition, that his wisest course was to return

home and report progress. He accordingly sailed back to New Amsterdam, where he was received with great

honours, and considered as a pattern for all commanders; ha ving achieved a most hazardous enterprize, at a

trifling expense of treasure, and without losing a single man to the state! He was unanimously called the

deliverer of his country; (an appellation liberally bestowed on all great men) his two sloops having done their

duty, were laid up (or dry dock ed) in a cove now called the Albany Bason, where they quietly rotted in the

mud; and to immortalize his name, they erected, by subscription, a magnificent shingle monument on the top

of Flatten barrack30 Hill, which lasted three whole years; when it fell to pieces, and was burnt for firewood.

[30] A corruption of Varleth's bergh or Varleth's hill, so called from one Varleth, who lived upon that hill

How William the Testy enriched the Province by a multitude of goodfornothing laws, and came to be the

Patron of Lawyers and BumBailiffs. How he undertook to rescue the public from a grevious evil, and had

well nigh been smoked to death for his pains. How the people became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy,

under his instructions with divers other matters which will be found out upon perusal.

Among the many wrecks and fragments of ex alted wisdom, which have floated down the stream of time,

from venerable antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by those humble, but industri ous wights, who

ply along the shores of literature, we find the following sage ordinance of Charondas, the locrian legislator

Anxious to preserve the an cient laws of the state from the additions and im provements of profound

"country members," or officious candidates for popularity, he ordained, that whoever proposed a new law,

should do it with a halter about his neck; so that in case his proposi tion was rejected, he was strung up

This salutary institution had such an effect, that for more than two hundred years there was only one trifling

alteration in the criminal code and the whole race of lawyers starved to death for want of employment.

The consequence of this was, that the Locrians being unprotected by an overwhelming load of excellent laws,

and undefended by a stand ing army of pettifoggers and sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and

were such a happy peo ple, that we scarce hear any thing of them through out the whole Grecian history

for it is well known that none but your unlucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any noise in the

Well would it have been for William the Testy, had he happily, in the course of his "universal ac

quirements," stumbled upon this precaution of the good Charondas. On the contrary, he conceived that the

true policy of a legislator was to multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the persons and the morals of

the people, by surrounding them in a manner with men traps and spring guns, and beset ting even the sweet

sequestered walks of private life, with quickset hedges, so that a man could scarcely turn, without the risk of

encountering some of these pestiferous protectors. Thus was he con tinually coining petty laws for every

petty offence that occurred, until in time they became too nume rous to be remembered, and remained like

those of certain modern legislators, in a manner dead letters revived occasionally for the purpose of

Petty courts consequently began to appear, where the law was administered with nearly as much wisdom and

impartiality as in those august tribunals the aldermen's and justice shops of the present day. The plaintiff was

generally favoured, as being a customer and bringing business to the shop; the offences of the rich were

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

discreetly winked at for fear of hurting the feelings of their friends; but it could never be laid to the

charge of the vigilant burgomasters, that they suffered vice to skulk unpunished, under the disgraceful rags of

About this time may we date the first introduc tion of capital punishments a goodly gallows be ing

erected on the waterside, about where White hall stairs are at present, a little to the east of the battery.

Hard by also was erected another gibbet of a very strange, uncouth and unmatchable descrip tion, but on

which the ingenious William Kieft va lued himself not a little, being a punishment entire ly of his own

It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit infe rior to that of Haman, so renowned in bible history; but the

marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit instead of being suspended by the neck, ac cording to

venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and was kept for an hour together, dangling and sprawling

between heaven and earth to the infinite entertainment and doubtless great edification of the multitude of

It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus

swinging by the breech, and cutting antic gam bols in the air. He had a thousand pleasantries, and mirthful

conceits to utter upon the occasions He called them his dandlelions his wild fowl his high flyers

his spread eagles his goshawks his scarecrows and finally his gallows birds, which ingenious

appellation, though originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this strange man ner, has since

grown to be a cant name given to all candidates for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may

credit the assertions of cer tain grave etymologists, gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping,

by which our fore fathers braced up their multifarious breeches, and which has of late years been revived

and continue. to be worn at the present day. It still bears the name of the object to which it owes its origin;

be ing generally termed a pair of gallowses though I am informed it is sometimes vulgarly denomina

Such were the admirable improvements of William Kieft in criminal law nor was his civil code less a

matter of wonderment, and much does it grieve me that the limits of my work will not suffer me to expatiate

on both, with the prolixity they deserve. Let it suffice then to say; that in a little while the blessings of

innumerable laws be came notoriously apparent. It was soon found necessary to have a certain class of men

to expound and confound them divers pettifoggers accord ingly made their appearance, under whose

I would not here, for the whole world, be thought to insinuate any thing derogatory to the profession of the

law, or to its dignified mem bers. Well am I aware, that we have in this an cient city an innumerable host

of worthy gentle men, who have embraced that honourable order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, or

the selfish cravings of renown, but through no other motives under heaven, but a fervent zeal for the correct

ad ministration of justice, and a generous and disinte rested devotion to the interests of their fellow citi

zens! Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my ink bottle forever (which is the

worst punishment a maggot brained author can inflict upon himself) than infringe even for a nail's breadth

upon the dignity of this truly benevolent class of citizens on the contrary I al lude solely to that crew of

caitiff scouts who in these latter days of evil have become so numerous who infest the skirts of the

profession, as did the recre ant Cornish knights the honourable order of chivalry who, under its auspices,

commit their depreda tions on society who thrive by quibbles, quirks and chicanery, and like vermin

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent pas sions as the facility of gratification. The courts of law would

never be so constantly crowded with pet ty, vexatious and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of

pettifogging lawyers that infest them. These tamper with the passions of the lower and more ignorant classes;

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

who, as if poverty was not a sufficient misery in itself, are always ready to heighten it, by the bitterness of

litigation. They are in law what quacks are in medicine exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting by

the cure, and retarding the cure, for the purpose of augment ing the fees. Where one destroys the

constitution, the other impoverishes the purse; and it may like wise be observed, that a patient, who has

once been under the hands of a quack, is ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with infallible

rem edies; and an ignorant man who has once meddled with the law under the auspices of one of these em

pyrics, is forever after embroiling himself with his neighbours, and impoverishing himself with suc cessful

law suits. My readers will excuse this di gression into which I have been unwarily betrayed; but I could

not avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this ex cellent city, and

with the effects of which I am un luckily acquainted to my cost; having been nearly ruined by a law suit,

which was unjustly decided against me and my ruin having been completed, by another which was

It is an irreparable loss to posterity, that of the innumerable laws enacted by William the Testy, which

doubtless formed a code that might have vied with those of Solon, Lycurgus or Sancho Pan za, but few have

been handed down to the present day, among which the most important is one fra med in an unlucky

moment, to prohibit the univer sal practice of smoking. This he proved by mathe matical demonstration, to

be not merely a heavy tax upon the public pocket, but an incredible con sumer of time, a hideous encourager

of idleness, and of course a deadly bane to the morals of the people. Ill fated Kieft! had he lived in this

most enlightened and libel loving age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, he could

The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the constitutional gravity of their deportment would permit a

mob of factious citizens had even the hardihood to assemble around the little governor's house, where setting

themselves resolutely down, like a besieging army before a fortress, they one and all fell to smoking with a

determined perseverance, that plainly evinced it was their intention, to funk him into terms with villainous

Cowpen mundun gus! Already was the stately mansion of the go vernor enveloped in murky clouds,

and the puis sant little man, almost strangled in his hole, when bethinking himself, that there was no

instance on record, of any great man of antiquity perishing in so ignoble a manner (the case of Pliny the elder

be ing the only one that bore any resemblance) he was fain to come to terms, and compromise with the

mob, on condition that they should spare his life, by immediately extinguishing their tobacco pipes.

The result of the armistice was, that though he continued to permit the custom of smoking, yet did he abolish

the fair long pipes which prevailed in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tran quillity and

sobriety of deportment, and in place thereof introduced little captious short pipes, two inches in length; which

he observed could be stuck in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hat band, and would not be in the

way of business. But mark, oh reader! the deplorable consequences. The smoke of these villainous little pipes

continu ally ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried up

all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the peo ple as vapourish and testy as their renowned little

governor nay, what is more, from a goodly bur ley race of folk, they became, like our honest dutch

farmers, who smoke short pipes, a lanthornjawed, smoakdried, leathernhided race of men.

Indeed it has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the

administration of Wilhelmus Kieft the disposition of the inhabitants of New Amsterdam experienced an

essential change, so that they became very meddlesome and factious. The constant exacer bations of temper

into which the little governor was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, and his unfortunate propensity

to experiment and innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in a continual worry and the council

being to the people at large, what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole community into a

ferment and the people at large being to the city, what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions

they underwent operated most disastrously, upon New Amsterdam insomuch, that in certain of their

paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, they begat several of the most crooked, distorted and abominable

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

But the worst of the matter was, that just about this time the mob, since called the sovereign people, like

Balaam's ass, began to grow more enlight ened than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire of governing

itself. This was another ef fect of the "universal acquirements" of William the Testy. In some of his pestilent

researches among the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck with admiration at the institution of public tables

among the Lacedemonians, where they discussed topics of a general and interesting nature at the schools

of the philosophers, where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics and morals where grey beards

were taught the rudiments of wisdom, and youths learned to become little men, before they were boys. "There

is nothing" said the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book, "there is nothing more essential to the well

management of a country, than education among the people; the basis of a good government, should be laid

in the public mind." now this was true enough, but it was ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that

when he thought right, he was sure to go to work wrong. In the present instance he could scarcely eat or

sleep, until he had set on foot brawling debating societies, among the simple citizens of New Am sterdam.

This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion. The honest Dutch bur ghers, though in truth but

little given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meeting often together, fuddling themselves with

strong drink, beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and listening to the harangues of some half a dozen

oracles, soon became exceedingly wise, and as is always the case where the mob is politically en

lightened exceedingly discontented. They found out, with wonderful quickness of discernment, the fearful

error in which they had indulged, in fancy ing themselves the happiest people in creation and were

fortunately convinced, that, all circum stances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy,

In a short time the quidnuncs of New Am sterdam formed themselves into sage juntos of political croakers,

who daily met together to groan over public affairs, and make themselves miserable; thronging to these

unhappy assemblages with the same eagerness, that your zealots have in all ages abandoned the milder and

more peaceful paths of religion to crowd to the howling convocations of fanaticism. We are naturally prone

to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamenta tion like lubberly monks we belabour our

own shoulders, and seem to take a vast satisfaction in the music of our own groans. Nor is this said for the

sake of paradox; daily experience shews the truth of these sage observations. It is next to a farce to offer

consolation, or to think of elevating the spirits of a man, groaning under ideal calamities; but nothing is more

easy than to render him wretch ed, though on the pinnacle of felicity; as it is an Herculean task to hoist a

In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the philosophic reader will at once perceive the faint germs of those

sapient convocations called popular meetings, prevalent at our day Hither resorted all those idlers and

"squires of low degree," who like rags, hang loose upon the back of society, and are ready to be blown away

by every wind of doc trine. Coblers abandoned their stalls and hasten ed hither to give lessons on political

economy blacksmiths left their handicraft and suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the

bellows and stirred up the fire of faction; and even taylors, though but the shreds and patches, the ninth parts

of humanity, neglected their own measures, to at tend to the measures of government Nothing was

wanting but half a dozen newspapers and pa triotic editors, to have completed this public illu mination and

I should not forget to mention, that these po pular meetings were always held at a noted tavern; for houses

of that description, have always been found the most congenial nurseries of politicks; abounding with those

genial streams which give strength and sustenance to faction We are told that the ancient Germans, had an

admirable mode of treating any question of importance; they first deli berated upon it when drunk, and

afterwards recon sidered it, when sober. The shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having two minds

upon a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk; by which means a world of cold and tedious specula

tion is dispensed with and as it is universally al lowed that when a man is drunk he sees double, it

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

[31] Both the gibbets as mentioned above by our author, may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker, which

Shewing the great importance of party distinctions, and the dolourous perplexities into which William the

For some time however, the worthy politicians of New Amsterdam, who had thus conceived the sublime

project of saving the nation, were very much perplexed by dissentions, and strange con trariety of opinions

among themselves, so that they were often thrown into the most chaotic uproar and confusion, and all for the

simple want of party classi fication. Now it is a fact well known to your expe rienced politicians, that it is

equally necessary to have a distinct classification and nomenclature in politics, as in the physical sciences. By

this means the several orders of patriots, with their breedings and cross breedings, their affinities and varieties

may be properly distinguished and known. Thus have arisen in different quarters of the world the generic

titles of Guelfs and Ghibbelins Round heads and Cavaliers Big endians and Little endians Whig

and Tory Aristocrat and Democrat Republican and Jacobin Federalist and Antifede ralist, together

with a certain mongrel party called Quid; which seems to have been engendered be tween the two last

mentioned parties, as a mule is produced between an horse and an ass and like a mule it seems incapable

of procreation, fit only for humble drudgery, doomed to bear successively the burthen of father and mother,

The important benefit of these distinctions is obvious. How many very strenuous and hard working patriots

are there, whose knowledge is bounded by the political vocabulary, and who, were they not thus arranged in

parties would never know their own minds, or which way to think on a subject; so that by following their

own common sense the community might often fall into that unanimity, which has been clearly proved, by

many excellent writers, to be fatal to the welfare of a republick. Often have I seen a very well meaning hero

of seventy six, most horribly puzzled to make up his opinion about certain men and measures, and running a

great risk of thinking right; until all at once he resolved his doubts by resorting to the old touch stone of Whig

and Tory; which titles, though they bear about as near an affinity to the present parties in being, as do the

robustious statues of Gog and Magog, to the worthy London Aldermen, who devour turtle under their

auspices at GuildHall; yet are they used on all occasions by the sovereign people, as a pair of spectacles,

through which they are miraculously enabled to see beyond their own noses, and to distinguish a hawk from a

Well, was it recorded in holy writ, "the horse knoweth his rider, and the ass his master's crib," for when the

sovereign people are thus harnessed out, and properly yoked together, it is delectable to behold with what

system and harmony they jog on ward, trudging through the mud and mire, obeying the commands of their

drivers, and dragging the scur vy dung carts of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic member of

congress have I known, loy ally disposed to adhere to his party through thick and think but who would

often, from sheer ignorance, or the dictates of conscience and common sense, have stumbled into the ranks of

his adversaries, and advocated the opposite side of the question, had not the parties been thus broadly

The wise people of New Amsterdam therefore, after for some time enduring the evils of confusion, at length,

like honest dutchmen as they were, so berly settled down into two distinct parties, known by the name of

Square head and Platter breech the former implying that the bearer was deficient in that rotundity of

pericranium, which was consider ed as a token of true genius the latter, that he was destitute of genuine

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

courage, or good bottom, as it has since been technically termed and I defy all the politicians of this great

city to shew me where any two parties of the present day, have split upon more important and fundamental

These names, to tell the honest truth and I scorn to tell any thing else were not the mere pro geny of

whim or accident, as were those of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches, in the days of yore, but took their

origin in recondite and scientific de ductions of certain Dutch philosophers. In a word, they were the

dogmas or elementary principia of those ingenious systems since supported in the physiognomical tracts of

Lavater, who gravely mea sures intellect by the length of a nose, or detects it lurking in the curve of a lip, or

the arch of an eye brow The craniology of Dr. Gall, who has found out the encampments and strong

holds of the virtues and vices, passions and habits among the protube rances of the skull, and proves that

your whorson jobbernowl, is your true skull of genius The Linea Fascialis of Dr. Petrus Camper,

anatomical professor in the college of Amsterdam, which re gulates every thing by the relative position of

the upper and lower jaw; shewing the ancient opinion to be correct that the owl is the wisest of animals, and

that a pancake face is an unfailing index of talents, and a true model of beauty and finally, the

breechology of professor Higgenbottom, which teaches the surprizing and intimate connection be tween the

seat of honour, and the seat of intellect a doctrine supported by experiments of pedagogues in all ages,

who have found that applications a parte poste, are marvellously efficacious in quickening the perceptions of

their scholars, and that the most ex peditious mode of instilling knowledge into their heads, is to hammer it

Thus then, the enlightened part of the inhabi tants of Nieuw Nederlandts, being comfortably ar ranged into

parties, went to work with might and main to uphold the common wealth assembling together in separate

beerhouses, and smoking at each other with implacable animosity, to the great support of the state, and

emolument of the tavern keepers. Some indeed who were more zealous than the rest went further, and began

to bespatter one another with numerous very hard names and scandalous little words, to be found in the dutch

language; every partizan believing religiously that he was serving his country, when he besmutted the

character, or damaged the pocket of a political ad versary. But however they might differ between

themselves, both parties agreed on one point, to ca vil at and condemn every measure of government

whether right or wrong; for as the governor was by his station independent of their power, and was not

elected by their choice, and as he had not deci ded in favour of either faction, neither of them were

interested in his success, or the prosperity of the country while under his administration.

"Unhappy William Kieft!" exclaims the sage writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, doomed to contend

with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over people, too wise to be governed! All his

expeditions against his enemies were baf fled and set at naught, and all his measures for the public safety,

were cavilled at by the people. Did he propose levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence, the

mob, that is to say, those vagabond members of the community who have nothing to lose, immediately took

the alarm, vociferated that their interests were in dan ger that a standing army was a legion of moths,

preying on the pockets of society; a rod of iron in the hands of government; and that a government with a

military force at its command, would inevi tably swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly

the case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and then hastily collect a handful of undisciplined

vagrants, the measure was hooted at, as feeble and inadequate, as trifling with the public dignity and safety,

and as lavishing the public funds on impotent enterprizes. Did he re sort to the economic measure of

proclamation, he was laughed at by the Yankees, did he back it by nonintercourse, it was evaded and

counteracted by his own subjects. Whichever way he turned him self he was beleaguered and distracted by

petitions of "numerous and respectable meetings," con sisting of some half a dozen scurvy pothouse poli

ticians all of which he read, and what is worse, all of which he attended to. The consequence was, that by

incessantly changing his measures, he gave none of them a fair trial; and by listening to the clamours of the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

I would not have it supposed however, that he took all these memorials and interferences good na turedly,

for such an idea would do injustice to his valiant spirit; on the contrary he never received a piece of advice in

the whole course of his life, with out first getting into a passion with the giver. But I have ever observed that

your passionate little men, like small boats with large sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their course;

and this is demonstrated by governor Kieft, who though in temperament as hot as an old radish, and with a

mind, the territory of which was subjected to per petual whirlwinds and tornadoes, yet never failed to be

carried away by the last piece of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him that his power was

not dependant upon the greasy multitude, and that as yet the populace did not possess the important privilege

of nominating their chief magistrate. They, however, like a true mob, did their best to help along public

affairs; pestering their governor incessantly, by goading him on with harangues and petitions, and then

thwarting his fiery spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot of sunday jockies, managing an unlucky

devil of a hack horse so that Wilhelmus Kieft, may be said to have been kept either on a worry or a hand

Containing divers fearful accounts of Border wars, and the flagrant outrages of the Moss troopers of

Connecticut With the rise of the great Amphyc tionic Council of the east, and the decline of William the

Among the many perils and mishaps that sur round your hardy historian, there is one that in spite of my

unspeakable delicacy, and unbounded good will towards all my fellow creatures, I have no hopes of escaping.

While raking with curious hand, but pious heart, among the rotten remains of former days, I may fare

somewhat like that doughty fellow Sampson, who in meddling with the car cass of a dead Lion, drew a

swarm of bees about his ears. Thus I am sensible that in detailing the many misdeeds of the Yanokie, or

Yankee tribe, it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid sensi bilities of certain of their unreasonable

descendants, who will doubtless fly out, and raise such a buzzing about this unlucky pate of mine, that I shall

need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando Furio so, to protect me from their stings. Should such be

the case I should deeply and sincerely lament not my misfortune in giving offence but the wrong

headed perverseness of this most ill natured and un charitable age, in taking offence at any thing I say.

My good, honest, testy sirs, how in heaven's name, can I help it, if your great grandfathers behaved in a

scurvy manner to my great grandfathers? I'm very sorry for it, with all my heart, and wish a thousand

times, that they had conducted themselves a thou sand times better. But as I am recording the sa cred

events of history, I'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, though I were sure the whole edition of

my work, should be bought up and burnt by the common hangman of Connecticut. And let me tell you,

masters of mine! this is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial histori ans were sent into the

world to redress wrongs and render justice on the heads of the guilty So that though a nation may

wrong their neighbours, with temporary impunity, yet some time or another an historian shall spring up, who

shall give them a hearty ribroasting in return. Thus your ancestors, I warrant them, little thought, when they

were kick ing and cuffing the worthy province of Nieuw Ne derlandts, and setting its unlucky little

governor at his wits ends, that such an historian as I should ever arise, and give them their own, with interest

Bo dyo'me! but the very talking about it makes my blood boil! and I have as great a mind as ever I had

for my dinner, to cut a whole host of your an cestors to mince meat, in my very next page! but out of the

bountiful affection which I feel towards their descendants, I forbear and I trust when you perceive how

completely I have them all in my pow er, and how, with one flourish of my pen I could make every mother's

son of ye grandfatherless, you will not be able enough to applaud my candour and magnanimity. To

resume then, with my accus tomed calmness and impartiality, the course of my history.

It was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, intimately acquainted with these matters, that at the gate of

Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, the one filled with blessings, the other with misfortunes and it verily

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

seems as if the latter had been set a tap, and left to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw Nederlandts.

Among other causes of irritation, the incessant irruptions and spoliations of his eastern neighbours upon his

fron tiers, were continually adding fuel to the naturally inflammable temperament of William the Testy.

Numerous accounts of them may still be found among the records of former days; for the com manders on

the frontiers were especially careful to evince their vigilance and soldierlike zeal, by stri ving who should

send home the most frequent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as your faithful servant is continually

running with complaints to the parlour, of all the petty squabbles and misde meanours of the kitchen.

All these valiant talebearings were listened to with great wrath by the passionate little governor, and his

subjects, who were to the full as eager to hear, and credulous to believe these frontier fables, as are my fellow

citizens to swallow those amusing stories with which our papers are daily filled, about British aggressions at

sea, French sequestrations on shore, and Spanish infringements in the promi sed land of Louisiana all

which proves what I have before asserted, that your enlightened people love to be miserable.

Far be it from me to insinuate however, that our worthy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms; on the

contrary they were daily suffering a repe tition of cruel wrongs, not one of which, but was a sufficient

reason, according to the maxims of na tional dignity and honour, for throwing the whole universe into

From among a host of these bitter grievances still on record, I select a few of the most atrocious, and leave

my readers to judge, if our progenitors were not justifiable in getting into a very valiant passion on the

"24 June 1641. Some of Hartford haue taken a hogg out of the vlact or common and shut it vp out of meer

26 July. The foremencioned English did againe driue the companies hoggs out of the vlact of Sico joke into

Hartford; contending daily with re proaches, blows, beating the people with all dis grace that they could

May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford haue violently cut loose a horse of the honored compa nies, that

May 9, 1643. The companies horses pastured vpon the companies ground, were driven away by them of

Connecticott or Hartford, and the heards man was lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks.

16. Again they sold a young Hogg belonging to the Companie which piggs had pastured on the Companies

Oh ye powers! into what indignation did every one of these outrages throw the philoso phic Kieft! Letter

after letter; protest after pro test; proclamation after proclamation; bad Latin, worse English, and hideous

low dutch were ex hausted in vain upon the inexorable Yankees; and the fourandtwenty letters of the

alphabet, which except his champion, the sturdy trumpeter Van Corlear, composed the only standing army he

had at his command, were never off duty, throughout the whole of his administration. Nor did Antony the

trumpeter, remain a whit behind his patron, the gallant William in his fiery zeal; but like a faithful champion

and preserver of the public safe ty, on the arrival of every fresh article of news, he was sure to sound his

trumpet from the ramparts with most disasterous notes, throwing the people into violent alarms and

disturbing their rest at all times and seasons which caused him to be held in very great regard, the public

paying and pampering him, as we do brawling editors, for similar impor tant services.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Appearances to the eastward began now to as sume a more formidable aspect than ever for I would have

you note that bitherto the province had been chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the people of

Connecticut, particularly of Hartford, which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, was the strong hold of

these sturdy moss troopers; from whence they sallied forth, on their daring in cursions, carrying terror and

devastation into the barns, the henroosts and pigstyes of our revered ancestors.

Albeit about the year 1643, the people of the east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachu setts,

Connecticut, New Plymouth and New Ha ven, gathered together into a mighty conclave, and after buzzing

and turmoiling for many days, like a political hive of bees in swarming time, at length settled themselves into

a formidable confederation, under the title of the United Colonies of New Eng land. By this union they

pledged themselves to stand by one another in all perils and assaults, and to cooperate in all measures

offensive and defen sive against the surrounding savages, among which were doubtlessly included our

honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes; and to give more strength and system to this confederation, a general

assembly or grand council was to be annually held, compos ed of representatives from each of the

On receiving accounts of this puissant combi nation, the fiery Wilhelmus was struck with vast

consternation, and for the first time in his whole life, forgot to bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of

intelligence which a venerable historian of the times observes, was especially noticed among the sage

politicians of New Amsterdam. The truth was, on turning over in his mind all that he had read at the Hague,

about leagues and combi nations, he found that this was an exact imitation of the famous Amphyctionic

council, by which the states of Greece were enabled to attain to such power and supremacy, and the very idea

He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of this confederation, was to drive the Nederlan ders out of

their fair domains; and always flew into a great rage if any one presumed to doubt the probability of his

conjecture. Nor, to speak my mind freely, do I think he was wholly unwarranted in such a suspicion; for at

the very first annual meeting of the grand council, held at Boston (which governor Kieft denominated the

Delphos of this truly classic league) strong representations were made against the Nederlanders, for as much

as that in their dealings with the Indians they carried on a traffic in "guns, powther and shott a trade

damnable and injurious to the colonists." Not but what certain of the Connecticut traders did likewise dabble

a little in this "damnable traffic" but then they always sold the Indians such scurvy guns, that they burst at

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from that day

forward, it was remarked by many, he never held up his head, but appeared quite crest fallen. His subsequent

reign therefore, affords but scanty food for the historic pen we find the grand council continually

augmenting in power, and threat ening to overwhelm the mighty but defenceless province of Nieuw

Nederlandts; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept constantly firing off his proclamations and protests, like a sturdy

little sea captain, firing off so many carronades and swivels, in order to break and disperse a water spout

but alas! they had no more effect than if they had been so many blank cartridges.

The last document on record of this learned, philosophic, but unfortunate little man is a long letter to the

council of the Amphyctions, wherein in the bitterness of his heart he rails at the people of New Haven, or red

hills, for their uncourteous contempt of his protest levelled at them for squatting within the province of their

high mightinesses. From this letter, which is a model of epistolary writing, abounding with pithy

apophthegms and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me to extract the following recondite

passage:"Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare

Esop's wolfe complayninge of the lamb, or the admonition of the younge man, who cryed out to his mother,

chideing with her neighboures, `Oh Mother revile her, lest she first take up that practice against you.' But be

ing taught by precedent passages we received such an answer to our protest from the inhabitants of New

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Haven as we expected: the Eagle always despiseth the Beetle fly; yet notwithstanding we doe undauntedly

continue on our purpose of pur suing our own right, by just arms and righteous means, and doe hope

without scruple to execute the express commands of our superiours." To shew that this last sentence was not

a mere empty menace he concluded his letter, by intrepidly pro testing against the whole council, as a horde

of squatters and interlopers, inasmuch as they held their meeting at New Haven, or the Red Hills, which he

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Tety for henceforth, in the trouble, the

perplexities and the confusion of the times he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to ahve slipped

forever through the fingers of scru pulous history. Indeed from some cause or ano ther, which I cannot

divine, there appears to have been a combination among historians to sink his very name into oblivion, in

consequence of which they have one and all forborne even to speak of his exploits; and though I have

disappointed the cai tiffs in this their nefarious conspiracy, yet I much question whether some one or other

of their adhe rents may not even yet have the hardihood to rise up, and question the authenticity of certain of

the well established and incontrovertible facts, I have herein recorded but let them do it at their peril; for

may I perish, if ever I catch any slanderous in cendiaries contradicting a word of this immaculate history, or

robbing my heroes of any particle of that renown they have gloriously acquired, if I do not empty my whole

inkhorn upon them even though it should equal in magnitude that of the sage Gar gantua; which

according to the faithful chronicle of his miraculous atchievements, weighted seven thou sand quintals.

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that such darkness and obscurity should hang over the latter days

of the illustrious Kieft for he was a mighty and great little man worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing

that he was the first potentate that introduced into this land, the art of fighting by proclamation; and

defending a country by trumpe ters, and windmills an economic and humane mode of warfare, since

revived with great applause, and which promises, if it can ever be carried into full effect, to save great trouble

and treasure, and spare infinitely more bloodshed than either the discovery of gunpowder, or the invention of

It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw

Nederlandts, taking advantage of the mysterious exit of William the Testy, have fabled, that like Romulus he

was translated to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, some where on the left claw of the crab; while

others equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good king Arthur; who, we

are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy land, where he still exists, in

pristine worth and vigour, and will one day or another return to rescue poor old England from the hands of

paltry, flippant, pettifogging cabinets, and restore the gal lantry, the honour and the immaculate probity,

All these however are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets the poets, to which

I would not have my judicious reader attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to yield any credit to the

assertion of an ancient and rather apocryphal historian, who alledges that the ingenious Wilhelmus was

annihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills nor to that of a writer of la ter times, who

affirms that he fell a victim to a phi losophical experiment, which he had for many years been vainly

striving to accomplish; having the misfortune to break his neck from the garret window of the Stadt house, in

an ineffectual at tempt to catch swallows, by sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails.

The most probable account, and to which I am inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in a very

obscure tradition, which declares, that what with the constant troubles on his frontiers, the in cessant

schemings, and projects going on in his own pericranium the memorials, petitions, remonstran ces and

sage pieces of advice from divers respecta ble meetings of the sovereign people, together with the refractory

disposition of his council, who were sure to differ from him on every point and uniform ly to be in the

wrong all these I say, did eternally operate to keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at length

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became as completly burnt out, as a dutch family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard

smokers. In this manner did the choleric but magnanimous William the Testy undergo a kind of animal

combustion, consuming away like a farthing rush light so that when grim death finally snuffed him out,

there was scarce left enough of him to bury! END OF BOOK IV. [32] Hag. Collect. S. Pap. Certain of

Wilhelmus Kieft's Latin letters are still extant in divers collections of state papers. [33] The old welsh bards

believed that king Arthur was not dead but carried awaie by the fairies into some pleasant place, where he

shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as great authority as ever. Hollingshed.The

Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn

He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous; and said soth, for men thereof yet have doubte and shullen for

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In which the death of a great man is shewn to be no such inconsolable matter of sorrow and how Peter

To a profound philosopher, like myself, who am apt to see clear through a subject, where the penetration of

ordinary people extends but half way, there is no fact more simple and manifest, than that the death of a great

man, is a matter of very little importance. Much as we think of our selves, and much as we may excite the

empty plau dits of the million, it is certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but an exceeding small

space in the world; and it is equally certain, that even that small space is quickly supplied, when we leave it

vacant. "Of what consequence is it," said the elegant Pliny, "that individuals appear, or make their exit? the

world is a theatre whose scenes and actors are continually changing." Ne ver did philosopher speak more

correctly, and I only wonder, that so wise a remark could have ex isted so many ages, and mankind not have

laid it more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage; one hero just steps out of his triumphant car, to

make way for the hero who comes after him; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said, that "he slept

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their loss, and if left to itself would soon forget to

grieve; and though a nation has often been figuratively drowned in tears on the death of a great man, yet it is

ten chances to one if an indivi dual tear has been shed on the melancholy occasion, excepting from the

forlorn pen of some hungry au thor. It is the historian, the biographer, and the poet, who have the whole

burden of grief to sus tain; who unhappy varlets! like undertakers in England, act the part of chief

mourners who in flate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge it with tears, it never dreamed of

shedding. Thus while the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and

collect ing the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his

fellow citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing; as utterly ignorant of the bitter lamenta tions

made in their name, as are those men of straw, John, Doe, and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for whom they

The most glorious and praiseworthy hero that ever desolated nations, might have mouldered into oblivion

among the rubbish of his own monument, did not some kind historian take him into favour, and benevolently

transmit his name to posterity and much as the valiant William Kieft worried, and bustled, and turmoiled,

while he had the desti nies of a whole colony in his hand, I question seri ously, whether he will not be

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New Amsterdam, or its vicinity: the earth trem bled not,

neither did any stars shoot from their spheres the heavens were not shrowded in black, as poets would fain

persuade us they have been, on the unfortunate death of a hero the rocks (hard hearted vagabonds) melted

not into tears; nor did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow; and as to the sun, he laid abed the next

night, just as long, and shewed as jolly a face when he arose, as he ever did on the same day of the month in

any year, either before or since. The good people of New Amsterdam, one and all, declared that he had been a

very busy, active, bustling little governor; that he was "the father of his country" that he was "the noblest

work of God" that "he was a man, take him for all in all, they never should look upon his like again"

together with sundry other civil and affectionate speeches that are regularly said on the death of all great men;

after which they smo ked their pipes, thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the re nowned Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the best, of our

ancient dutch governors. Wouter having surpassed all who preceded him; and Pieter, or Piet, as he was

sociably called by the old dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, having never been

equalled by any succes sor. He was in fact the very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of

her beloved province, had not the fates or parc�, Clotho, La chesis and Atropos, those most potent,

immaculate and unrelenting of all ancient and immortal spin sters, destined them to inextricable confusion.

To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him unparalleled injustice he was in truth a combination

of heroes for he was of a sturdy, raw boned make like Ajax Telamon, so famous for his prowess in

belabouring the little Trojans with a pair of round shoulders, that Hercules would have given his hide for,

(meaning his lion's hide) when he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was moreover as Plutarch

describes Corio lanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but likewise of his voice, which sounded as

though it came out of a barrel; and like the self same war rior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for the

sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries

quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency of appearance was inex pressibly heightened by an

accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their

heroes, for it is worth all the paltry scars and wounds in the Iliad and Eneid, or Lucan's Pharsalia into the bar

gain. This was nothing less than a redoubtable wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gain ed, in

bravely fighting the battles of his country; but of which he was so proud, that he was often heard to declare he

valued it more than all his other limbs put together; indeed so highly did he esteem it, that he caused it to be

gallantly enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related in divers histories and

Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion, which were

ofttimes rather unpleasant to his favourites and attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to quicken, after

the manner of his illus trious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders with his walking staff.

But the resemblance for which I most value him was that which he bore in many particulars to the renowned

Charlemagne. Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hob bes, or Bacon, or Algernon

Sydney, or Tom Paine, yet did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his measures, that one

would hardly expect from a man, who did not know Greek, and had never studied the ancients. True it is, and

I confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreason able aversion to experiments, and was fond of governing

his province after the simplest manner but then he contrived to keep it in better order than did the erudite

Kieft, though he had all the philosophers ancient and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must likewise own

that he made but very few laws, but then again he took care that those few were rigidly and impartially

enforced and I do not know but justice on the whole, was as well administered, as if there had been

volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily ne glected and forgotten.

He was in fact the very reverse of his prede cessors, being neither tranquil and inert like Wal ter the

Doubter, nor restless and fidgetting, like William the Testy, but a man, or rather a governor, of such

uncommon activity and decision of mind that he never sought or accepted the advice of others; depending

confidently upon his single head, as did the heroes of yore upon their single arms, to work his way through all

difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth he wanted no other requisite for a perfect statesman, than to

think always right, for no one can deny that he always acted as he thought, and if he wanted in correctness he

made up for it in perseverance An excellent quality! since it is surely more dignified for a ruler to be

persevering and consistent in error, than wavering and contradictory, in endeavouring to do what is right; this

much is certain, and I generously make the maxim public, for the benefit of all legislators, both great and

small, who stand shaking in the wind, without knowing which way to steer a ruler who acts according to

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his own will is sure of pleasing himself, while he who seeks to consult the wishes and whims of others, runs a

great risk of pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, and points resolutely in one direction, is certain of

being right twice in the four and twenty hours while others may keep going continually, and continually

Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the discernment of the good people of Nieuw Neder lants; on the

contrary so high an opinion had they of the independent mind and vigorous intellects of their new governor,

that they universally called him Hardkoppig Piet, or Peter the Head strong a great compliment to his

If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy,

valiant, weatherbeaten, mettlesome, leath ernsided, lion hearted, generous spirited, obstinate, old "seventy

This most excellent governor, whose character I have thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his

administration on the 29th of May 1647: a re markably stormy day, distinguished in all the almanacks of the

time, which have come down to us, by the name of Windy Friday. As he was very jealous of his personal and

official dignity, he was inaugurated into office with great ceremony; the goodly oaken chair of the renowned

Wouter Van Twiller, being carefully preserved for such occasions; in like manner as the chair and stone were

reverentially preserved at Schone in Scotland, for the coronation of the caledonian monarchs.

I must not omit to mention that the tempestuous state of the elements, together with its being that unlucky day

of the week, termed "hanging day," did not fail to excite much grave speculation, and divers very reasonable

apprehensions, among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants; and several of the sager sex, who were

reputed to be not a little skilled in the science and mystery of astrology and fortune telling, did declare

outright, that they were fearful omens of a disastrous administration an event that came to be lamenta bly

verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom of attending to those preternatural inti mations,

furnished by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, falling of stones and cackling of geese, on which the

sages and rulers of ancient times placed such judicious reliance or to those shootings of stars, eclipses of

the moon, howlings of dogs and flarings of candles, carefully noted and interpreted by the oracular old sybils

of our day; who, in my humble opinion, are the legitimate possessors and preservers of the ancient science of

divination. This much is certain, that governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state, at a turbulent

period; when foes thronged and threatened from without; when anarchy and stiff necked opposition reigned

rampant within; and when the authority of their high mightinesses the lords states gen eral, though founded

on the broad dutch bottom of unoffending imbecility; though supported by economy, and defended by

speeches, protests, proclamations, flagstaffs, trumpeters and windmills vacillated, oscillated, tottered,

tumbled and was finally prostrated in the dirt, by british invaders, in much the same manner that our majestic,

stupen dous, but ricketty shingle steeples, will some day or other be toppled about our ears by a brisk north

Shewing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the rats and cobwebs on entering into of fice

And the perilous mistake he was guilty of, in his dealings with the Amphyctions.

The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of government, displayed the mag nanimity

of his mind, though they occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes.

Finding himself constantly interrupt ed by the opposition and annoyed by the sage ad vice of his privy

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council, the members of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves

during the preceding reign; he determined at once to put a stop to such a griev ous abomination. Scarcely

therefore had he enter ed upon his authority than he kicked out of office all those meddlesome spirits that

composed the factious cabinet of William the Testy, in place of whom he chose unto himself councillors from

those fat, somniferous, respectable families, that had flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter

the Doubter. All these he caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with

frequent corporation dinners, ad monishing then to smoke and eat and sleep for the good of the nation, while

he took all the burden of government upon his own shoulders an arrange ment to which they all gave a

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the ingenious inventions and expedients of his learned

predecessor demolishing his flag staffs and windmills, which like mighty giants, guarded the ramparts

of New Amsterdam pitch ing to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker guns rooting up his patent

gallows, where caitiff vaga bonds were suspended by the breech, and in a word, turning topsyturvy the

whole philosophic, econo mic and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.

The honest folk of New Amsterdam, began to quake now for the fate of their matchless cham pion Antony

the trumpeter, who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes of the women by means of his whiskers and

his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong, cause to be brought into his presence, and eyeing him for a

moment from head to foot, with a countenance that would have appall ed any thing else than a sounder of

brass "Pry thee who and what art thou?" said he. "Sire," re plied the other in no wise dismayed,

"for my name, it is Antony Van Corlear for my paren tage, I am the son of my mother for my profes

sion I am champion and garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam." "I doubt me much," said Peter

Stuyvesant," that thou art some scurvy cos tardmonger knave how didst thou acquire this paramount

honour and dignity?" "Marry sir," replied the other, "like many a great man before me, simply by

sounding my own trumpet." "Aye, is it so?" quoth the governor, why then let us have a relish of thy art."

Whereupon he put his instru ment to his lips and sounded a charge, with such a tremendous outset, such a

delectable quaver, and such a triumphant cadence that it was enough to make your heart leap out of your

mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a warworn charger, while sporting in peaceful plains, if by

chance he hears the strains of martial music, pricks up his ears, and snorts and paws and kindles at the noise,

so did the heroic soul of the mighty Peter joy to hear the clangour of the trumpet; for of him might truly be

said what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England, "there was nothing in all the world that more

rejoiced his heart, than to hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth their steeled

weapons." Casting his eyes more kindly therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jolly,

fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great dis cretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway

conceived an astonishing kindness for him; and discharging him from the troublesome duty of gar risoning,

defending and alarming the city, ever after retained him about his person, as his chief favourite, confidential

envoy and trusty squire. In stead of disturbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instructed to play so as

to delight the go vernor, while at his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry

and on all public occasions, to rejoice the ears of the peo ple with warlike melody thereby keeping alive

Many other alterations and reformations, both for the better and for the worse, did the governor make, of

which my time will not serve me to re cord the particulars, suffice it to say, he soon con trived to make the

province feel that he was its master, and treated the sovereign people with such tyrannical rigour, that they

were all fain to hold their tongues, stay at home and attend to their bu siness; insomuch that party feuds and

distinctions were almost forgotten, and many thriving keepers of taverns and dramshops, were utterly ruined

Indeed the critical state of public affairs at this time, demanded the utmost vigilance, and promp titude. The

formidable council of the Amphyctions, which had caused so much tribulation to the un fortunate Kieft, still

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continued augmenting its forces, and threatened to link within its union, all the mighty principalities and

powers of the cast. In the very year following the inauguration of go vernor Stuyvesant a grand deputation

departed from the city of Providence (famous for its dusty streets, and beauteous women,) in behalf of the

The following mention is made of this applica tion in the records still extant, of that assemblage of

"Mr. Will Cottington and captain Partridg of Rhoode Hand presented this insewing request to the

"Our request and motion is in behalfe of Rhoode Hand, that wee the Handers of Rhoode Iland may be

rescauied into combination with all the united colonyes of New England in a firme and perpetuall league of

friendship and amity of ofence and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all just occasions for our mutuall

I confess the very sight of this fearful docu ment, made me to quake for the safety of my belo ved

province. The name of Alexander, however misspelt, has been warlike in every age, and though its fierceness

is in some measure softened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen of Partridge, still, like the colour of

scarlet, it bears an exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the letter,

moreover, and the sol dierlike ignorance of orthography displayed by the noble captain Alicxsander Partridg

in spelling his own name, we may picture to ourselves this mighty man of Rhodes like a second Ajax, strong

in arms, great in the field, but in other respects, (meaning no disparagement) as great a dom cop, as if he had

been educated among that learned people of Thrace, who Aristotle most slanderously assures us, could not

But whatever might be the threatening aspect of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not a man

to be kept in a state of incertitude and vague apprehension; he liked nothing so much as to meet danger face

to face, and take it by the beard. Determined therefore to put an end to all these petty maraudings on the

borders, he wrote two or three categorical letters to the grand council, which though neither couched in bad

latin, nor yet graced by rhetorical tropes about wolfs and lambs, and beetle flies, yet had more effect than all

the elaborate epistles, protests and proclamations of his learned predecessor, put together. In consequence of

his urgent propositions, the sage council of the amphyctions agreed to enter into a final adjustment of

grievances and settlement of boundaries, to the end that a perpetual and happy peace might take place

between the two powers. For this purpose governor Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors, to negotiate with

commissioners from the grand coun cil of the league, and a treaty was solemnly conclu ded at Hartford.

On receiving intelligence of this event, the whole community was in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of

the sturdy Van Cor lear, sounded all day with joyful clangour from the ramparts of Fort Amsterdam, and at

night the city was magnificently illuminated with two hundred and fifty tallow candles; besides a barrel of

tar, which was burnt before the governor's house, on the cheering aspect of public affairs.

And now my worthy, but simple reader, is doubtless, like the great and good Peter, congratu lating himself

with the idea, that his feelings will no longer be molested by afflicting details of stolen horses, broken heads,

impounded hogs, and all the other catalogue of heartrending cruelties, that dis graced these border wars.

But if my reader should indulge in such expectations, it is only another proof, among the many he has already

given in the course of this work, of his utter ignorance of state affairs and this lamentable ignorance on his

part, obliges me to enter into a very profound dissertation, to which I call his attention in the next chapter

wherein I will shew that Peter Stuyvesant has al ready committed a great error in politics; and by effecting a

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Containing divers philosophical speculations on war and negociations and shewing that a treaty of peace

It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher Lucretius, that war was the original state of man; whom he

described as being primitively a savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility with his own

species, and that this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by society. The same opinion has been

advocated by the learned Hobbes, nor have there been wanting a host of sage philoso phers to admit and

For my part, I am prodigiously fond of these valuable speculations so complimentary to human nature, and

which are so ingeniously calculated to make beasts of both writer and reader; but in this instance I am

inclined to take the proposition by halves, believing with old Horace,3 that though war may have been

originally the favourite amuse ment and industrious employment of our progeni tors, yet like many other

excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed by refinement and

civilization, and en creases in exact proportion as we approach to wards that state of perfection, which is

The first conflict between man and man was the mere exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary

weapons his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his

encounters. The battle of unassisted strength, was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and clubs, and

war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and his

sensibilities became more exqui site, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced, in the art of

murdering his fellow beings. He invented a thousand devices to defend and to assault the helmet, the

cuirass and the buckler; the sword, the dart and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound, as well as to

launch the blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic career of invention, he enlarges and

heightens his powers of defence and injury The Aries, the Scorpio, the Balista and the Catapulta, give a

horror and sublimity to war, and magnify its glory, by encreasing its desolation. Still insatiable; though armed

with machinery that seemed to reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a power of injury,

commensurate, even to the desires of revenge still deeper researches must be made in the diabolical

arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth; he toils midst poi sonous minerals and

deadly salts the sublime discovery of gunpowder, blazes upon the world and finally the dreadful art of

fighting by procla mation, seems to endow the demon of war, with ubiquity and omnipotence!

By the hand of my body but this is grand! this indeed marks the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine

endowment of reason, which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. The unenlighten ed brutes

content themselves with the native force which providence has assigned them. The angry bull butts with his

horns, as did his progenitors be fore him the lion, the leopard, and the tyger, seek only with their talons

and their fangs, to gratify their sanguinary fury; and even the subtle serpent darts the same venom, and uses

the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from

discovery to discovery enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruction; arrogates the tremendous

weapons of deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him, in mur dering his brother worm!

In proportion as the art of war has increased in improvement, has the art of preserving peace ad vanced in

equal ratio. But as I have already been very prolix to but little purpose, in the first part of this truly

philosophic chapter, I shall not fatigue my patient, but unlearned reader, in tracing the history of the art of

making peace. Suffice it to say, as we have discovered in this age of wonders and inven tions, that

proclamation is the most formidable en gine in war, so have we discovered the no less in genious mode of

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A treaty, or to speak more correctly a negocia tion, therefore, according to the acceptation of your

experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an attempt to accommodate differences, to

ascertain rights, and to establish an equitable ex change of kind offices; but a contest of skill between two

powers, which shall overreach and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain by peaceful

manoeuvre, and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages, which a nation would otherwise have wrested by

force of arms. In the same man ner that a conscientious highwayman reforms and becomes an excellent

and praiseworthy citizen con tenting himself with cheating his neighbour out of that property he would

In fact the only time when two nations can be said to be in a state of perfect amity, is when a ne gociation is

open, and a treaty pending. Then as there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, no

specific limits to awaken that captious jealousy of right implanted in our nature, as both parties have some

advantage to hope and expect from the other, then it is that the two na tions are as gracious and friendly to

each other, as two rogues making a bargain. Their ministers professing the highest mutual regard, exchanging

billetsdoux, making fine speeches and indulging in all those little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries and

fondlings, that do so marvelously tickle the good humour of the respective nations. Thus it may paradoxically

be said, that there is never so good an understanding between two nations, as when there is a little

misunderstanding and that so long as they are on no terms, they are on the best terms in the world!

As I am of all men in the world, particularly historians, the most candid and unassuming, I would not for an

instant claim the merit of having made the above political discovery. It has in fact long been secretly acted

upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, together with divers other notable theories, privately copied out

of the common place book of an illustrious gentleman, who has been member of congress, and enjoyed the

unlimited con fidence of heads of department. To this principle may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity

that has been shewn of late years in protracting and inter rupting negociations. Hence the cunning

measure of appointing as ambassador, some political pettifog ger skilled in delays, sophisms, and

misconstruc tions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument or some blundering statesman, whose

stupid errors and misconstructions may be a plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence too that

most notable expedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a brace of ambassadors; who having

each an individual will to consult, character to establish, and interest to promote, you may as well look for

unanimity and concord between them, as between two lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or

two naked rogues and one pair of breeches. This disagreement therefore is con tinually breeding delays and

impediments, in con sequence of which the negociation goes on swim mingly inasmuch as there is no

prospect of its ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and obstacles but time, and in a

negociation, according to the theory I have exposed, all time lost, is in reality so much time gained with

Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true, that I almost blush to take up the time of my readers,

with treating of matters which must many a time have stared them in the face. But the proposition to which I

would most earnestly call their attention is this, that though a negociation is the most harmonizing of all

national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great political evil and one of the most fruitful sources of war.

I have rarely seen an instance in my time, of any special contract between individuals, that did not produce

jealousies, bickerings, and often down right ruptures between them; nor did I ever know of a treaty between

two nations, that did not keep them continually in hot water. How many worthy country neighbours have I

known, who after living in peace and good fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust,

cavilling and ani mosity, by some ill starred agreement about fences, runs of water, and stray cattle. And

how many well meaning nations, who would otherwise have remained in the most amiable disposition

towards each other, have been brought to loggerheads about the infringement, or misconstruction of some

treaty, which in an evil hour they had constructed by way of making their amity more sure.

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Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest requires their fulfillment; consequently they are

virtually binding on the weaker party only, or in other words, they are not really binding at all. No nation will

wantonly go to war with another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and therefore needs no treaty to restrain it

from violence; and if it has any thing to gain, I much question, from what I have witnessed of the righteous

conduct of nations, whether any treaty could be made so strong, that it could not thrust the sword through

nay I would hold ten to one, the treaty itself, would be the very source to which resort would be had, to find a

Thus therefore I sagely conclude that though it is the best of all policies for a nation to keep up a constant

negociation with its neighbours, it is the utmost summit of folly, for it ever to be beguiled into a treaty; for

then comes on the nonfulfilment and infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation, then retaliation, then

recrimination and finally open war. In a word, negociation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant

speeches, soft looks and endearing caresses, but the marriage ceremony is the signal for hostilities and

[3] Quum prorepserunt primis animalia terris, Mutum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter,

Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro Pugnabant armis, qu� post fabricaverat usus.

How Peter Stuyvesant was horribly belied by his adversaries the Moss Troopers and his con duct

If my painstaking reader, whose perception, it is a hundred to one, is as obtuse as a beetle's, is not somewhat

perplexed, in the course of the ra tiocination of my last chapter; he will doubtless, at one glance perceive,

that the great Peter, in conclu ding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guil ty of a most notable error

and heterodoxy in poli tics. To this unlucky agreement may justly be as cribed a world of little

infringements, altercations, negociations and bickerings, which afterwards took place between the

irreproachable Stuyvesant, and the evil disposed council of amphyctions; in all which, with the impartial

justice of an historian, I pronounce the latter to have been invariably in the wrong. All these did not a little

disturb the con stitutional serenity of the good and substantial burghers of Mannahata otherwise called

Manhat toes, but more vulgarly known by the name of Man hattan. But in sooth they were so very scurvy

and pitiful in their nature and effects, that a grave historian like me, who grudges the time spent in any thing

less than recording the fall of empires, and the revolution of worlds, would think them un worthy to be

The reader is therefore to take it for granted, though I scorn to waste in the detail, that time, which my

furrowed brow and trembling hand, in form me is invaluable, that all the while the great Peter was occupied

in those tremendous and bloody contests, that I shall shortly rehearse, there was a continued series of little,

dirty, snivelling, pettifog ging skirmishes, scourings, broils and maraudings made on the eastern frontiers,

by the notorious moss troopers of Connecticut. But like that mir ror of chivalry, the sage and valourous Don

Quix ote, I leave these petty contests for some future Sancho Panza of an historian, while I reserve my

Now did the great Peter conclude, that his la bours had come to a close in the east, and that he had nothing

to do but apply himself to the internal prosperity of his beloved Manhattoes. Though a man of great modesty,

he could not help boasting that he had at length shut the temple of Janus, and that, were all rulers like a

certain person who should be nameless, it would never be opened again. But the exultation of the worthy

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governor was put to a speedy check, for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly was the ink dried on the

paper, before the crafty and discourteous council of the league sought a new pretence for reilluming the

In the year 1651, with a flagitious hardihood that makes my gorge to rise while I write, they ac cused the

immaculate Peter the soul of honour and heart of steel that by divers gifts and promi ses he had been

secretly endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett (or Narraganset) Mohaque and Pequot Indians, to

surprize and massacre the En glish settlements. For, as the council maliciously observed, "the Indians round

about for divers hun dred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the

Monhatoes against the English, whoe have sought there good, both in bodily and sperituall respects." To sup

port their most unrighteous accusation, they examin ed divers Indians, who all swore to the fact as stur dily

as if they had been so many christian troopers. And to be more sure of their veracity, the knowing council

previously made every mother's son of them devoutly drunk, remembering the old proverb In vino veritas.

Though descended from a family which suffer ed much injury from the losel Yankees of those times; my

great grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having received a pair of black

eyes and a bloody nose, in one of these border wars; and my grandfather, when a very little boy tending the

pigs, having been kid napped and severely flogged by a long sided Con necticut schoolmaster Yet I

should have passed over all these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion I could even have suffered them

to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged

regiment out of doors, carried every hog into captivity, and de populated every hen roost, on the face of the

earth with perfect impunity But this wanton, wicked and unparalleled attack, upon one of the most gallant

and irreproachable heroes of modern times, is too much even for me to digest, and has overset, with a single

Oh reader it was false! I swear to thee it was false! if thou hast any respect for my word if the

undeviating and unimpeached character for veracity, which I have hitherto borne throughout this work, has its

due weight with thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander; for I pledge my honour and my

immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant, was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but

would have suffered his right arm, or even his wooden leg to consume with slow and everlasting flames,

rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in any other way, than open generous warfare Beshrew those

Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never heard of a Knight Errant; yet had he as true a heart of chivalry

as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. There was a spirit of native gal lantry, a noble and generous

hardihood diffused through his rugged manners, which altogether gave unquestionable tokens of an heroic

mind. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by the hand of nature at a single heat, and though she had

taken no further care to polish and refine her workman ship, he stood forth a miracle of her skill.

But not to be figurative, (a fault in historic writing which I particularly) eschew the great Peter possessed in

an eminent degree, the seven renown ed and noble virtues of knighthood; which, as he had never consulted

authors, in the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, I verily believe must have been stowed away in a

corner of his heart by dame nature herself where they flourished, among his hardy qualities, like so many

sweet wild flowers, shooting forth and thriving with redundant luxuri ance among stubborn rocks. Such was

the mind of Peter the Headstrong, and if my admiration for it, has on this occasion, transported my style

beyond the sober gravity which becomes the laborious scribe of historic events, I can plead as an apology,

that though a little, grey headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the bottom of the downhill of life, I still retain

some portion of that celestial fire, which sparkles in the eye of youth, when contemplating the virtues and

atchievements of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed, be the good St. Nicholas that I

have escaped the influence of that chilling apathy, which too often freezes the sympathies of age; which like a

churlish spirit, sits at the portals of the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, and paralyzing every

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No sooner then, did this scoundrel imputation on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, than he

proceeded in a manner which would have redounded to his credit, even if he had studied for years, in the

library of Don Quixote himself. He immediately dispatched his valiant trumpeter and squire, Antony Van

Corlear, with orders to ride night and day, as herald, to the Amphyctionic council, reproaching them in terms

of noble indig nation, for giving ear to the slanders of heathen in fidels, against the character of a

Christian, a gen tleman and a soldier and declaring, that as to the treacherous and bloody plot alledged

against him, whoever affirmed it to be true, he lied in his teeth! to prove which he defied the president of

the council and all of his compeers, or if they pleased, their puissant champion, captain Alicxsander Part

ridg that mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in single combat, where he would trust the vindication of his

This challenge being delivered with due cere mony, Antony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance

before the whole council, ending with a most horrific and nasal twang, full in the face of captain Partridg,

who almost jumped out of his skin in an extacy of astonishment, at the noise. This done he mounted a tall

Flanders mare, which he always rode, and trotted merrily towards the Man hattoes passing through

Hartford, and Pyquag and Middletown and all the other border towns twanging his trumpet like a very

devil, so that the sweet vallies and banks of the Connecticut resound ed with the warlike melody and

stopping occa sionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance at country fro licks, and bundle with the beauteous

lasses of those parts whom he rejoiced exceedingly with his soul stirring instrument.

But the grand council being composed of con siderate men, had no idea of running a tilting with such a fiery

hero as the hardy Peter on the con trary they sent him an answer, couched in the meekest, the most mild

and provoking terms, in which they assured him that his guilt was proved to their perfect satisfaction, by the

testimony of divers sage and respectable Indians, and conclud ing with this truly amiable paragraph.

"For youer confidant denialls of the Barbarous plott charged, will waigh little in ballance against such

evidence, soe that we must still require and seeke due satisfaction and cecuritie, soe we rest,

I am conscious that the above transaction has been differently recorded by certain historians of the east, and

elsewhere; who seem to have inherited the bitter enmity of their ancestors to the brave Peter and much

good may their inheritance do them. These moss troopers in literature, whom I regard with sovereign scorn,

as mere vampers up of vulgar prejudices and fabulous legends, declare, that Peter Stuyvesant requested to

have the charges against him, enquired into, by commissioners to be appointed for the purpose; and yet that

when such commissioners were appointed, he refused to sub mit to their examination. Now this is partly

true he did indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he found a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, to sub

mit his conduct to the rigorous inspection of a court of honour but then he expected to find it an august

tribunal, composed of courteous gentlemen, the go vernors and nobility, of the confederate plantations, and

of the province of New Netherlands; where he might be tried by his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank and

dignity whereas, let me perish, if they did not send on to the Manhattoes two lean sided hungry

pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with saddle bags under their bottoms, and green satchels under

their arms, as if they were about to beat the hoof from one county court to another in search of a law suit.

The chivalric Peter, as well he might, took no notice of these cunning varlets; who with professional industry

fell to prying and sifting about, in quest of ex parte evidence; bothering and perplexing divers simple Indians

and old women, with their cross questioning, until they contradicted and forswore themselves most horribly

as is every day done in our courts of justice. Thus having dispatched their errand to their full satisfation,

they returned to the grand council with their satchels and saddle bags stuffed full of the most scurvy

rumours, apo cryphal stories and outrageous heresies, that ever were heard for all which the great Peter

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did not care a tobacco stopper; but I warrant me had they attempted to play off the same trick upon William

the Testy, he would have treated them both to an �rial gambol on his patent gallows.

The grand council of the east, held a very solemn meeting on the return of their envoys, and after they had

pondered a long time on the situation of affairs, were upon the point of adjourning without being able to

agree upon any thing. At this critical moment one of those little, meddlesome, indefatigable spirits, who

endeavour to establish a character for patriotism by blowing the bellows of party, until the whole fur nace of

politics is redhot with sparks and cinders and who have just cunning enough to know, that there is no

time so favourable for getting on the peo ple's backs, as when they are in a state of turmoil, and attending to

every body's business but their own This aspiring imp of faction, who was called a great politician,

because he had secured a seat in council by calumniating all his opponents He I say, conceived this a fit

opportunity to strike a blow that should secure his popularity among his consti tuents, who lived on the

borders of Nieuw Neder landt, and were the greatest poachers in Christen dom, excepting the Scotch

border nobles. Like a second Peter the hermit, therefore, he stood forth and preached up a crusade against

He made a speech which lasted three days, ac cording to the ancient custom in these parts, in which he

represented the dutch as a race of impious here tics, who neither believed in witchcraft, nor the sovereign

virtues of horse shoes who, left their country for the lucre of gain, not like themselves for the enjoyment

of liberty of conscience who, in short, were a race of mere cannibals and anthropo phagi, inasmuch as

they never eat codfish on satur days, devoured swine's flesh without molasses, and held pumpkins in utter

This speech had the desired effect, for the coun cil, being awakened by their serjeant at arms, rub bed their

eyes, and declared that it was just and politic to declare instant war against these unchris tian

antipumpkinites. But it was necessary that the people at large should first be prepared for this measure, and

for this purpose the arguments of the little orator were earnestly preached from the pul pit for several

sundays subsequent, and earnestly recommended to the consideration of every good Christian, who

professed, as well as practised the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the forgiveness of injuries. This is the

first time we hear of the "Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for political re cruits in our country; and it proved

of such signal efficacy, that it has since been called into frequent service throughout our union. A cunning

politician is often found skulking under the clerical robe, with an outside all religion, and an inside all

political rancour. Things spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like poisons and anti

dotes on an apothecary's shelf, and instead of a de vout sermon, the simple churchgoing folk, have often a

political pamphlet, thrust down their throats, labeled with a pious text from Scripture.

How the New Amsterdammers became great in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty army

together with Peter Stuyvesant's mea sures to fortify the City and how he was the original founder of the

But notwithstanding that the grand council, as I have already shewn, were amazingly discreet in their

proceedings respecting the New Nether lands, and conducted the whole with almost as much silence and

mystery, as does the sage British cabi net one of its ill star'd secret expeditions yet did the ever watchful

Peter receive as full and accurate in formation of every movement, as does the court of France of all the

notable enterprises I have men tioned. He accordingly set himself to work, to render the machinations of

I know that many will censure the precipitation of this stout hearted old governor, in that he hur ried into the

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expenses of fortification, without as certaining whether they were necessary, by pru dently waiting until

the enemy was at the door. But they should recollect Peter Stuyvesant had not the benefit of an insight into

the modern arcana of politics, and was strangely bigotted to certain obso lete maxims of the old school;

among which he firmly believed, that, to render a country respected abroad, it was necessary to make it

formidable at home and that a nation should place its reliance for peace and security, more upon its own

strength, than on the justice or good will of its neighbours. He proceeded therefore, with all diligence, to

Among the few remnants of ingenious inven tions which remained from the days of William the Testy, were

those impregnable bulwarks of public safety, militia laws; by which the inhabitants were obliged to turn out

twice a year, with such military equipments as it pleased God; and were put un der the command of very

valiant taylors, and man milliners, who though on ordinary occasions, the meekest, pippenhearted little men

in the world, were very devils at parades and courtmartials, when they had cocked hats on their heads, and

swords by their sides. Under the instructions of these periodical warriors, the gallant train bands made

marvellous proficiency in the mystery of gun powder. They were taught to face to the right, to wheel to the

left, to snap off empty firelocks with out winking, to turn a corner without any great up roar or irregularity,

and to march through sun and rain from one end of the town to the other without flinching until in the end

they became so valour ous that they fired off blank cartridges, without so much as turning away their heads

could hear the largest field piece discharged, without stopping their ears or falling into much confusion

and would even go through all the fatigues and perils of a sum mer day's parade, without having their ranks

True it is, the genius of this truly pacific peo ple was so little given to war, that during the inter vals which

occurred between field days, they gene rally contrived to forget all the military tuition they had received; so

that when they reappeared on pa rade, they scarcely knew the butt end of the musket from the muzzle, and

invariably mistook the right shoulder for the left a mistake which however was soon obviated by shrewdly

chalking their left arms. But whatever might be their blunders and aukwardness, the sagacious Kieft, declared

them to be of but little importance since, as he judiciously observed, one campaign would be of more

instruc tion to them than a hundred parades; for though twothirds of them might be food for powder, yet

such of the other third as did not run away, would become most experienced veterans.

The great Stuyvesant had no particular venera tion for the ingenious experiments and institutions of his

shrewd predecessor, and among other things, held the militia system in very considerable con tempt, which

he was often heard to call in joke for he was sometimes fond of a joke governor Kieft's broken reed.

As, however, the present emergency was pressing, he was obliged to avail himself of such means of defence

as were next at hand, and accor dingly appointed a general inspection and parade of the train bands. But oh!

Mars and Bellona, and all ye other powers of war, both great and small, what a turning out was here! Here

came men without officers, and officers without men long fowling pieces, and short blunderbusses

muskets of all sorts and sizes, some without bayonets, others without locks, others without stocks, and many

without lock, stock, or barrel. Cartridgeboxes, shot belts, powderhorns, swords, hatchets, snick

ersnees, crowbars, and broomsticks, all mingled higgledy, piggledy like one of our continental ar mies

The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment with some such rueful aspect, as a man would eye the devil; but

knowing, like a wise man, that all he had to do was to make the best out of a bad bar gain, he determined to

give his heroes a seasoning. Having therefore drilled them through the ma nual exercise over and over

again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a quick march, and trudged his sturdy boots backwards and forwards,

about the streets of New Amsterdam, and the fields adja cent, till I warrant me, their short legs ached, and

their fat sides sweated again. But this was not all; the martial spirit of the old governor caught fire from the

sprightly music of the fife, and he re solved to try the mettle of his troops, and give them a taste of the

hardships of iron war. To this end he encamped them as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill formerly called

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Bunker's hill, at some distance from the town, with a full intention of initiating them into the dicipline of

camps, and of renewing the next day, the toils and perils of the field. But so it came to pass, that in the night

there fell a great and heavy rain, which descended in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty army of swing

tails strangely melted away before it; so that when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morn ing beams upon

the place, saving Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear, scarce one was to be found of all the

This awful dissolution of his army would have appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter Stuyvesant; but

he considered it as a matter of but small importance, though he thenceforward regarded the militia system

with ten times greater contempt than ever, and took care to provide him self with a good garrison of chosen

men, whom he kept in pay, of whom he boasted that they at least possessed the quality, indispensible in sol

The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant, was to strengthen and fortify New Amsterdam. For this purpose he

reared a substantial barrier that reached across the island from river to river, being the distance of a full half a

mile! a most stupend ous work, and scarcely to be rivalled in the opinion of the old inhabitants, by the

great wall of China, or the Roman wall erected in Great Britain against the incursions of the Scots, or the wall

of brass that Dr. Faustus proposed to build round Ger many, by the aid of the devil.

The materials of which this wall was construct ed are differently described, but from a majority of opinions

I am inclined to believe that it was a picket fence of especial good pine posts, intended to protect the city, not

merely from the sudden in vasions of foreign enemies, but likewise from the incursions of the neighbouring

Some traditions it is true, have ascribed the building of this wall to a later period, but they are wholly

incorrect; for a memorandum in the Stuy vesant manuscript, dated towards the middle of the governor's

reign, mentions this wall particularly, as a very strong and curious piece of workmanship, and the admiration

of all the savages in the neigh bourhood. And it mentions moreover the alarm ing circumstance of a drove

of stray cows, breaking through the grand wall of a dark night; by which the whole community of New

Amsterdam was thrown into as great panic, as were the people of Rome, by the sudden irruptions of the

Gauls, or the valiant citizens of Philadelphia, during the time of our revolution: by a fleet of empty kegs

But the vigilance of the governor was more especially manifested by an additional fortification which he

erected as an out work to fort Amster dam, to protect the sea bord, or water edge. I have ascertained by the

most painful and minute investigation, that it was neither fortified accord ing to the method of Evrard de

Barleduc, that earliest inventor of complete system; the dutch plan of Marollois; the French method

invented by by Antoine de Ville; the Flemish of Stevin de Bruges; the Polish of Adam de Treitach, or the

He did not pursue either of the three systems of Pagan; the three of Vauban; the three of Schei ter; the three

of Coehorn, that illustrious dutch man, who adapted all his plans to the defence of low and marshy countries

The fortification did not consist of a Polygon, inscribed in a circle, according to Alain Manesson Maillet; nor

with four long batteries, agreeably to the expensive system of Blondel; nor with the fortification a rebours of

Dona Rosetti, nor the Caponiere Couverte, of the ingenious St. Julien; nor with angular polygons and

numerous case mates, as recommended by Antoine d'Herbert; who served under the duke of Wirtemberg,

grandfa ther to the second wife, and first queen of Jerome Bonaparte otherwise called Jerry Sneak.

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It was neither furnished with bastions, fash ioned after the original invention of Zisca, the Bohemian; nor

those used by Achmet Bassa, at Otranto in 1480; nor those recommended by San Micheli of Verona; neither

those of triangular form, treated of by Specle, the high dutch engineer of Strasbourg, or the famous wooden

bastions, since erected in this renowned city, the destruction of which, is recorded in a former chapter. In fact

governor Stuyvesant, like the celebrated Mon talembert, held bastions in absolute contempt; yet did he not

He did not make use of Myrtella towers, as are now erecting at Quebec; neither did he erect flagstaffs and

windmills as was done by his illus trious predecessor of Saardam; nor did he employ circular castellated

towers, or batteries with two tier of heavy artillery, and a third of columbiads on the top; as are now erecting

My readers will perhaps be surprized, that out of so many systems, governor Stuyvesant should find none to

suit him; this may be tolerably ac counted for, by the simple fact, that many of them were unfortunately

invented long since his time; and as to the rest, he was as ignorant of them, as the child that never was and

never will be born. In truth, it is more than probable, that had they all been spread before him, with as many

more into the bargain; that same peculiarity of mind, that acquired him the name of Hardkopping Piet,

would have induced him to follow his own plans, in preference to them all. In a word, he pursued no system

either past, present or to come; he equally disdained to imitate his predecessors, of whom he had never heard

his contemporaries, whom he did not know; or his unborn successors, whom, to say the truth, he never

once thought of in his whole life. His great and capacious mind was convinced, that the simplest method is

often the most efficient and certainly the most expeditious, he therefore fortified the water edge with a formi

dable mud breast work, solidly faced, after the manner of the dutch ovens common in those days, with clam

These frowning bulwarks in process of time, came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass and

clover, and their high embankments overshadowed by wide spreading sycamores, among whose foilage the

little birds sported about, making the air to resound with their joyous notes. The old burghers would repair of

an afternoon to smoke their pipes under the shade of their branches, con templating the golden sun as he

gradually sunk into the west an emblem of that tranquil end toward which themselves were hastening

while the young men and the damsels of the town would take many a moonlight stroll among these favourite

haunts, watching the silver beams of chaste Cynthia, trem ble along the calm bosom of the bay, or light up

the white sail of some gliding bark, and inter changing the honest vows of constant affection. Such was the

origin of that renowned walk, the Battery, which though ostensibly devoted to the purposes of war, has ever

been consecrated to the sweet delights of peace. The favourite walk of declining age the healthful resort of

the feeble invalid the sunday refreshment of the dusty trades man the scene of many a boyish gambol

the rendezvous of many a tender assignation the comfort of the citizen the ornament of New York,

[4] In an antique view of Nieuw Amsterdam, taken some few years after the above period, is an accurate

representation of this wall, which stretched along the course of Wallstreet, so called in commemoration of

this great bulwark. One gate, called the Landpoort opened upon Broadway, hard by where at present stands

the Trinity Church; and another called the Waterpoort, stood about where the Tontine coffeehouse is at

present opening upon Smits Vleye, or as it is commonly called Smith fly; then a marshy valley, with a

How the people of the east country were suddenly afflicted with a diabolical evil and their judici ous

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Having thus provided for the temporary secu rity of New Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden

surprise, the gallant Peter took a hear ty pinch of snuff, and snapping his fingers, set the great council of

Amphyctions, aud their champion, the doughty Alicxsander Partridg at defiance. It is impossible to say,

notwithstanding, what might have been the issue of this affair, had not the great council been all at once

involved in huge perplexity, and as much horrible dissension sown among its members, as of yore was stirred

The all potent council of the league, as I have shewn in my last chapter, had already announced its hostile

determinations, and already was the mighty colony of New Haven and the puissant town of Py quag,

otherwise called Wethersfield famous for its onions and its witches and the great trading house of

Hartford, and all the other redoubtable lit tle border towns, in a prodigious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty

fowling pieces and shouting aloud for war; by which they anticipated easy conquests, and gorgeous spoils,

from the little fat dutch villages. But this joyous brawling was soon silenced by the conduct of the colony of

Massachusetts. Struck with the gallant spirit of the brave old Peter, and convinced by the chivalric frankness

and heroic warmth of his vindication, they refused to believe him guilty of the infamous plot most wrongfully

laid at his door. With a generosity for which I would yield them immortal honour, they declared, that no

determination of the grand council of the league, should bind the general court of Massachu setts, to join in

This refusal immediately involved the colony of Massachusetts and the other combined colonies, in very

serious difficulties and disputes, and would no doubt have produced a dissolution of the confe deracy, but

that the great council of Amphyctions, finding that they could not stand alone, if mutilated by the loss of so

important a member as Massachu setts, were fain to abandon for the present their hos tile machinations

against the Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy and puissance of those nota ble confederacies,

composed of a number of sturdy, selfwill'd, discordant parts, loosely banded toge ther by a puny general

government. As it is how ever, the warlike towns of Connecticut, had no cause to deplore this

disappointment of their mar tial ardour; for by my faith though the combined powers of the league might

have been too potent in the end, for the robustious warriors of the Man hattoes yet in the interim would

the lion hearted Peter and his myrmidons, have choaked the sto machful heroes of Pyquag with their own

onions, and have given the other little border towns such a scouring, that I warrant they would have had no

stomach to squat on the land, or invade the hen roost of a New Nederlander for a century to come.

Indeed there was more than one cause to divert the attention of the good people of the east, from their hostile

purposes; for just about this time were they horribly beleagured and harassed by the in roads of the prince of

darkness, divers of whose liege subjects they detected, lurking within their camp, all of whom they

incontinently roasted as so many spies, and dangerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, we are informed,

that at this juncture, the unfortunate "east countrie" was exceedingly troubled and confounded by multitudes

of losel witches, who wrought strange devices to beguile and distress the multitude; and notwithstanding nu

merous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted, against all "solem conversing or compacting with the

divil, by way of conjuracon or the like,"6 yet did the dark crime of witchcraft continue to en crease to an

alarming degree, that would almost transcend belief, were not the fact too well authenti cated to be even

What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this terrible art, which so long has baffled the painful

researches, and abstruse studies of philoso phers, astrologers, alchymists, theurgists and other sages, was

chiefly confined to the most ignorant, decrepid, ugly, abominable old women in the com munity, who had

scarcely more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon. Where they first ac quired their infernal

education whether from the works of the ancient Theurgists the demonology of the Egyptians the

belomancy, or divination by arrows of the Scythians the spectrology of the Germans the magic of the

Persians the enchant ment of the Laplanders, or from the archives of the dark and mysterious caverns of

the Dom Dan iel, is a question pregnant with a host of learned and ingenious doubts particularly as most

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long in want of proofs to

support it raise but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every headache, and indigestion, and

overflowing of the bile is pro nounced the terrible epidemic In like manner in the present instance,

whoever was troubled with a cholic or lumbago, was sure to be bewitched, and woe to any unlucky old

woman that lived in his neighbourhood. Such a howling abomination could not be suffered to remain long

unnoticed, and it ac cordingly soon attracted the fiery indignation of the sober and reflective part of the

community more especially of those, who, whilome, had evinced so much active benevolence in the

conversion of qua kers and anabaptists. The grand council of the amphyctions publicly set their faces

against so deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny took place after those nefarious witches, who

were easily detected by devil's pinches, black cats, broom sticks, and the circumstance of their only being

It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, "for every one of which," says the pro found and

reverend Cotton Mather, in that excel lent work, the history of New England "we have such a sufficient

evidence, that no reasonable man in this whole country ever did question them; and it will be unreasonable to

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian John Josselyn, Gent. furnishes us with unquestiona ble facts

on this subject. "There are none," ob serves he "that beg in this country, but there be witches too many

bottle bellied witches and others, that produce many strange apparitions, if you will be lieve report of a

shalop at sea manned with women and of a ship and great red horse standing by the main mast; the ship

The number of delinquents, however, and their magical devices, were not more remarkable than their

diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, persuasive and affectionate manner, to confess

themselves guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion, and the entertainment of the pub lic; yet did they

most pertinaciously persist in as serting their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserving of

immediate punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary, that they were in league with the

devil, who is per verseness itself. But their judges were just and merciful, and were determined to punish

none that were not convicted on the best of testimony; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy their own

minds, for, like true and experienced judges their minds were perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly

satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners before they proceeded to try them; but still something was necessary to

convince the community at large to quiet those prying quid nuncs who should come after them in

short, the world must be satisfied. Oh the world the world! all the world knows the world of trouble

the world is eternally occasioning! The worthy judges there fore, like myself in this most authentic,

minute and satisfactory of all histories, were driven to the ne cessity of sifting, detecting and making evident

as noon day, matters which were at the commence ment all clearly understood and firmly decided upon in

their own own pericraniums so that it may truly be said, that the witches were burnt, to gratify the

populace of the day but were tried for the satis faction of the whole world that should come after them!

Finding therefore that neither exhortation, sound reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these

hardened offenders, they resorted to the more ur gent arguments of the torture, and having thus ab solutely

wrung the truth from their stubborn lips they condemned them to undergo the roasting due unto the

heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried their perverseness so far, as to expire under the

torture, protesting their innocence to the last; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely

possessed, and governed by the devil, and the pious byestanders, only lamented that they had not lived a

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In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beg gar to death,

whom Appolonius pointed out as be ing the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually shewed himself to be

a demon, by changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary

check was given to this growing evil. The witches were all burnt, banished or panic struck, and in a little

while there was not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New England which is doubtless one

reason why all their young women are so handsome. Those honest folk who had suffered from their in

cantations gradually recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and aches, which, however

assumed the less alarming aspects of rheu matisms, sciatics and lumbagos and the good people of New

England, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable hocus

pocus of trade, and soon be came expert in the legerdemain art of turning a pen ny. Still however, a tinge

of the old leaven is dis cernable, even unto this day, in their characters witches occasionally start up

among them in differ ent disguises, as physicians, civilians, and divines. The people at large shew a

'cuteness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, that savours strongly of witchcraft and it has been

remarked, that when ever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part of them are sure to tumble into

Which records the rise and renown of a valiant commander, shewing that a man, like a bladder, may be

When treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, breaks out into

a vehement apostrophe, in praise of the good St. Nicholas; to whose protecting care he entirely ascribes the

strange dissentions that broke out in the council of the amphyctions, and the direful witchcraft that prevailed

in the east country whereby the hostile machinations against the Nederlanders were for a time frustrated,

and his favourite city of New Amsterdam, preserved from imminent peril and deadly warfare. Darkness and

lowering superstition hung over the fair valleys of the east; the pleasant banks of the Connecticut, no longer

echoed with the sounds of rustic gaiety; direful phantoms and portentous apparitions were seen in the air

gliding spectrums haunted every wildbrook and dreary glen strange voices, made by viewless forms, were

heard in desart solitudes and the border towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing the knowing

old women, that had pro duced these alarming appearances, that for a while the province of New Nederlandt

The great Peter therefore, finding that nothing was to be immediately apprehended from his eastern

neighbours, turned himself about with a praisewor thy vigilance that ever distinguished him, to put a stop to

the insults of the Swedes. These lossel freebooters my attentive reader will recollect had begun to be very

troublesome towards the latter part of the reign of William the Testy, having set the proclamations of that

doughty little governor at naught, and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a perfect non plus!

Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been shewn, was a governor of different habits and turn of mind

without more ado he immediately issued orders for raising a corps of troops to be stationed on the

southern frontier, under the command of brigadier general Jacobus Von Poffenburgh. This illustrious warrior

had risen to great importance during the reign of Wihelmus Keift, and if histories speak true, was second in

command to the gallant Van Curlet, when he and his ragged regiment were inhumanly kicked out of Fort

Good Hope by the Yankees. In consequence of having been in such a "memorable affair," and of having

received more wounds on a certain honourable part that shall be nameless, than any of his comrades, he was

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

ever after considered as a hero, who had "seen some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the un limited

confidence and friendship of William the Testy; who would sit for hours and listen with wonder to his

gunpowder narratives of surprising victories he had never gained: and dreadful bat tles from which

he had run away; and the governor was once heard to declare that had he lived in ancient times, he might

unquestionably have claimed the armour of Achilles being not merely like Ajax, a mighty blustering man

of battle, but in the cabinet a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant of speech and long winded all

which, as nobody in New Amsterdam knew aught of the ancient heroes in question, passed totally

It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, of henpecked memory, that heaven had infused into some

men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold; into others of intellectual silver; while others were

bounteously furnished out with abundance of brass and iron now of this last class was undoubt edly the

great general Von Poffenburgh, and from the great display he continually made, I am inclined to think that

dame nature, who will sometimes be partial, had blessed him with enough of those valuable materials to have

fitted up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most to be admired is, that he contrived to pass off all his

brass and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great judge of base coin, as pure and genuine gold. The

consequence was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van Cur let, who after the loss of fort Goed Hoop

retired like a veteran general, to live under the shade of his laurels, the mighty "copper captain" was pro

moted to his station. This he filled with great importance, always styling himself "commander in chief of the

armies of the New Netherlands;" though to tell the truth the armies, or rather army, consisted of a handful of

Such was the character of the warrior appointed by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier, nor may

it be uninteresting to my reader to have a glimpse of his person. He was not very tall, but notwithstanding, a

huge, full bodied man, whose size did not so much arise from his being fat, as windy; being so completely

inflated with his own importance, that he resembled one of those puffed up bags of wind, which old Eolus, in

His dress comported with his character, for he had almost as much brass and copper without, as nature had

stored away within His coat was cros sed and slashed, and carbonadoed, with stripes of copper lace, and

swathed round the body with a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fishing net, doubtless to keep his

valiant heart from bursting through his ribs. His head and whiskers were pro fusely powdered, from the midst

of which his full blooded face glowed like a fiery furnace; and his magnanimous soul seemed ready to

bounce out at a pair of large glassy blinking eyes, which projected like those of a lobster.

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not this great general, I would give half my for tune (which at

this moment is not enough to pay the bill of my landlord) to have seen him accou tered capapie, in

martial array booted to the middle sashed to the chin collared to the ears whiskered to the

muzzle crowned with an over shadowing cockedhat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad,

Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter look ing a man of war as the farfamed More of More Hall, when

he sallied forth, armed at all points, to slay the Dragon of Wantley "Had you but seen him in this dress

Each cow, each horse, and each hog; For fear they did flee, for they took him to be

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Notwithstanding all the great endowments and transcendent qualities of this renowned general, I must confess

he was not exactly the kind of man that the gallant Peter the Headstrong would have chosen to command his

troops but the truth is, that in those days the province did not abound, as at pre sent, in great military

characters; who like so many Cincinnatuses people every little village marshal ling out cabbages, instead

of soldiers, and signa lizing themselves in the corn field, instead of the field of battle. Who have surrendered

the toils of war, for the more useful but inglorious arts of peace, and so blended the laurel with the olive, that

you may have a general for a landlord, a colonel for a stage driver, and your horse shod by a valiant "captain

of volunteers" Neither had the great Stuyvesant an opportunity of choosing, like modern rulers, from a

loyal band of editors of newspapers no mention being made in the histories of the times, of any such class

of mercenaries, being retained in pay by government, either as trumpeters, cham pions, or body guards. The

redoubtable general Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was appointed to the command of the new levied troops;

chiefly because there were no competitors for the station, and partly because it would have been a breach of

military etiquette, to have appointed a younger officer over his head an injustice, which the great Peter

No sooner did this thrice valiant copper cap tain receive marching orders, than he conducted his army

undauntedly to the southern frontier; through wild lands and savage deserts; over in surmountable

mountains, across impassable floods and through impenetrable forests; subduing a vast tract of uninhabited

country, and overturning, dis comfiting and making incredible slaughter of cer tain hostile hosts of

grasshoppers, toads and pis mires, which had gathered together to oppose his progress an achievement

unequalled in the pages of history, save by the farfamed retreat of old Xenephon and his ten thousand

Grecians. All this accomplished, he established on the South (or Delaware) river, a redoubtable redoubt,

named Fort Casimer, in honour of a favourite pair of brimstone coloured trunk breeches of the go vernor's.

As this fort will be found to give rise to very important and interesting events, it may be worth while to notice

that it was afterwards called Neiuw Amstel, and was the original germ of the present flourishing town of New

Castle, an ap pellation erroneously substituted for No Castle, there neither being, nor ever having been a

The Swedes did not suffer tamely this mena cing movement of the Nederlanders; on the con trary Jan

Printz, at that time governor of New Sweden, issued a sturdy protest against what he termed an encroachment

upon his jurisdiction. But the valiant Von Poffenburgh had become too well versed in the nature of

proclamations and pro tests, while he served under William the Testy, to be in any wise daunted by such

paper warfare. His fortress being finished, it would have done any man's heart good to behold into what a

magni tude he immediately swelled. He would stride in and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front

and in rear; on this side and on that. Then would he dress himself in full regimentals, and strut back

wards and forwards, for hours together, on the top of his little rampart like a vain glorious cock pidgeon

vapouring on the top of his coop. In a word, unless my readers have noticed, with curi ous eye, the petty

commander of a little, snivel ling, military post, swelling with all the vanity of new regimentals, and the

pomposity derived from commanding a handful of tatterdemalions, I despair of giving them any adequate

It is recorded in the delectable romance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight being dubbed by king

Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees with such might and

main, that the whole court were convin ced that he was the most potent and courageous gentleman on the

face of the earth. In like man ner the great general Von Poffenburgh would ease off that valourous spleen,

which like wind is so apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of new made sol diers, impelling them to

boxlobby brawls, and bro ken headed quarrels. For at such times, when he found his martial spirit

waxing hot within him, he would prudently sally forth into the fields, and lug ging out his trusty sabre, of

full two flemish ells in length, would lay about him most lustily, decapi tating cabbages by platoons

hewing down whole phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes; and if peradventure, he

espied a colony of honest big bellied pumpkins quietly basking them selves in the sun, "ah caitiff Yankees,"

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

would he roar, "have I caught ye at last!" so saying, with one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the

unhap py vegetables from their chins to their waistbands: by which warlike havoc, his choler being in some

sort allayed, he would return to his garrison with a full conviction, that he was a very miracle of milita ry

The next ambition of general Von Poffenburgh was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well knowing that

discipline is the soul of all military enterprize, he enforced it with the most rigorous precision; obliging every

man to turn out his toes, and hold up his head on parade, and prescribing the breadth of their ruffles to all

Having one day, in the course of his devout re searches in the bible, (for the pious Eneas himself, could not

exceed him in outward religion) encoun tered the history of Absalom and his melancholy end; the general in

an evil hour, issued orders for cropping the hair of both officers and men through out the garrison. Now it

came to pass, that among his officers was one Kildermeester; a sturdy old veteran, who had cherished through

the course of a long life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little resem bling the shag of a Newfoundland dog;

termina ting with an immoderate queue, like the handle of a frying pan; and queued so tightly to his head,

that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top of his fore head. It

may naturally be supposed that the pos sessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence, an

order condemning it to the shears. Sampson himself could not have held his wig more sacred, and on hearing

the general orders, he dis charged a tempest of veteran, soldierlike oaths, and dunder and blixums

swore he would break any man's head who attempted to meddle with his tail queued it stiffer than ever,

The eelskin queue of old Kildermeester, became instantly an affair of the utmost importance. The

commander in chief was too enlightened an officer not to perceive, that the discipline of the garrison, the

subordination and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nederlandts, the consequent safety of the whole

province, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their high mightinesses, the lords states general, but

above all, the dignity of the great general Von Poffenburgh, all imperiously de manded the docking of that

stubborn queue. He therefore patriotically determined that old Kilder meester should be publicly shorn of

his glories in presence of the whole garrison the old man as re solutely stood on the defensive

whereupon the general, as became a great man, was highly exas perated, and the offender was arrested and

tried by a court martial for mutiny, desertion and all the other rigmarole of offences noticed in the articles of

war, ending with a "videlicit, in wearing an eelskin queue, three feet long, contrary to orders" Then came

on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings, and convictings, and the whole country was in a ferment about this

unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the commander of a distant frontier post has the power of acting

pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that the old vete ran would have been hanged or shot

at least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere cha grin and mortification and most

flagitiously de serted from all earthly command, with his beloved locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained

unsha ken to the very last moment, when he directed that he should be carried to his grave with his eelskin

This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is hinted that

he was ever after subject to bad dreams, and fearful visitations in the night when the griz ly spectrum of

old Kildermeester would stand cen tinel by his bed side, erect as a pump, his enor mous queue strutting out

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

In which is presented a warlike portrait of the Great Peter. And how General Von Poffen burgh gave a

Hitherto most venerable and courteous reader, have I shewn thee the administration of the valour ous

Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of peace; or rather the grim tranquillity of awful pre paration; but

now the war drum rumbles, the bra zen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms,

speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, from golden visions

and voluptuous ease; where in the dulcet, "piping time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No

more in beauty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair gar lands for his lady's brows; no more entwines with

flowers his shining sword, nor through the livelong lazy summers day, chaunts forth his lovesick soul in

madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute; doffs from his brawny back the robe of peace,

and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myr tle waved; where

wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beaming casque and nodding plume; grasps the bright

shield and shakes the pon drous lance; or mounts with eager pride his fiery steed; and burns for deeds of

But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you go about to imagine, that any preux chevalier thus hideously

begirt with iron existed in the city of New Amsterdam. This is but a lofty and gigantic mode in which we

heroic writers always talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing as pect; equipping our warriors

with bucklers, helms and lances, and a host of other outlandish and ob solete weapons, the like of which

perchance they had never seen or heard of; in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a modern

general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a C�sar or an Alexander. The simple truth then of all this ora

torical flourish is this. That the valiant Peter Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary to scour his

trusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination or rather I behold his goodly por trait, which

still hangs up in the family mansion of the Stuyvesants arrayed in all the terrors of a true dutch general.

His regimental coat of Ger man blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly shew of large brass buttons,

reaching from his waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts turned up at the corners and separating

gallantly behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone coloured trunk breeches a

grace ful style still prevalent among the warriors of our day, and which is in conformity to the custom of

ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves in rear. His face rendered exceeding terrible and

warlike by a pair of black mustachios; his hair strutting out on each side in stiffly pomatumed ear locks and

descending in a rat tail queue below his waist; a shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a

little, but fierce cocked hat stuck with a gallant and fiery air, over his left eye. Such was the chivalric port of

Peter the Headstrong; and when he made a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with his

wooden leg, inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to strengthen his position; his right hand stuck a

kimbo, his left resting upon the pummel of his brass hilted sword; his head dressing spiritedly to the right,

with a most appalling and hard favour ed frown upon his brow he presented altogether one of the most

commanding, bitter looking, and soldierlike figures, that ever strutted upon canvass. Proceed we now to

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

BOOK VI. Containing the second part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong and his gallant atchievements on the Delaware. 108

The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on the south, or Delaware river, has been duly re corded in the

Chronicles of the reign of William the Testy. These encroachments having been en dured with that heroic

magnanimity, which is the corner stone, or according to Aristotle, the left hand neighbour of true courage,

The Swedes, who, were of that class of cunning pretenders to Christianity, that read the Bible up side down,

whenever it interferes with their inte rests, inverted the golden maxim, and when their neighbour suffered

them to smite him on the one cheek, they generally smote him on the other also, whether it was turned to

them or not. Their re peated aggressions had been among the numerous sources of vexation, that conspired

to keep the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft, in a con stant fever, and it was only owing to the

unfortu nate circumstance, that he had always a hundred things to do at once, that he did not take such un

relenting vengeance as their offences merited. But they had now a chieftan of a different character to deal

with; and they were soon guilty of a piece of treachery, that threw his honest blood in a ferment, and

Printz, the governor of the province of New Sweden, being either deceased or removed, for of this fact some

uncertainty exists; he was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and who, had he not been rather

inkneed and splayfooted, might have served for the model of a Sampson, or a Her cules. He was no less

rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as he was rapacious; so that in fact there is very little doubt, had

he lived some four or five centuries before, he would have made one of those wicked giants, who took such a

cruel pleasure in pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding about the would, and locking them up in

enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other convenience. In consequence of which

enormities they fell under the high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal and gallant knights, were in

structed to attack and slay outright any miscreant they might happen to find above six feet high; which is

doubtless one reason that the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages so

No sooner did governor Risingh enter upon his office, than he immediately cast his eyes upon the important

post of Fort Casimer, and formed the righteous resolution of taking it into his possession. The only thing that

remained to consider, was the mode of carrying his resolution into effect; and here I must do him the justice

to say, that he ex hibited a humanity rarely to be met with among leaders; and which I have never seen

equalled in modern times, excepting among the English, in their glorious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to

spare the effusion of blood, and the miseries of open warfare, he benevolently shunned every thing like

avowed hostility or regular seige, and resorted to the less glorious, but more merciful expedient of treachery.

Under pretence therefore, of paying a sociable, neighbourly visit to general Von Poffenburgh, at his new post

of Fort Casimer, he made requisite preparation, sailed in great state up the Delaware, displayed his flag with

the most ceremonious punc tilio, and honoured the fortress with a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor.

The unusual noise awakened a veteran dutch centinel, who was nap ping faithfully on his post, and who

after hammering his flint for good ten minutes, and rubbing its edge with the corner of his ragged cocked hat,

but all to no purpose, contrived to return the compliment, by discharging his rusty firelock with the spark of a

pipe, which he borrowed from one of his comrades. The salute indeed would have been answered by the guns

of the fort, had they not unfortunately been out of order, and the magazine deficient in ammunition

accidents to which forts have in all ages been liable, and which were the more excusa ble in the present

instance, as Fort Casimir had only been erected about two years, and general Von Poffenburgh, its mighty

commander, had been fully occupied wish matters of much greater self importance.

Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second, for he well knew

its puissant and pompous leader, was marvellously delighted with these little cere monials, which he

considered as so many acts of homage paid unto his greatness. He then landed in great state, attended by a

suite of thirty men a prodigious and vainglorious retinue, for a petty governor of a petty settlement, in

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those days of primitive simplicity; and to the full as great an army as generally swells the pomp and marches

The number in fact might have awakened sus picion, had not the mind of the great Von Poffen burgh been

so completely engrossed with an all pervading idea of himself, that he had not room to admit a thought

besides. In fact he considered the concourse of Risingh's followers as a compli ment to himself so apt are

great men to stand between themselves and the sun, and completely eclipse the truth by their own shadow.

It may readily be imagined how much general Von Poffenburgh was flattered by a visit from so august a

personage; his only embarrassment was, how he should receive him in such a manner as to appear to the

greatest advantage, and make the most advantageous impression. The main guard was ordered immediately to

turn out, and the arms and regimentals (of which the garrison possessed full half a dozen suits) were equally

distributed among the solidiers. One tall lank fellow, appeared in a coat intended for a small man, the skirts of

which reached a little below his waist, the buttons were between his shoulders and the sleeves half way to his

wrists, so that his hands looked like a couple of huge spades and the coat not being large enough to meet

in front, was linked together by loops, made of a pair of red worsted garters. Another had an old cocked hat,

stuck on the back of his head and decorated with a bunch of cocks tails a third had a pair of rusty gaiters

hanging about his heels while a fourth, who was a short duck legged little trojan, was equipped in a huge

pair of the general's cast off breeches, which he held up with one hand, while he grasped his firelock with the

other. The rest were accoutred in similar style, excepting three graceless raggamuffins, who had no shirts and

but a pair and half of breeches between them, wherefore they were sent to the black hole, to keep them out of

view. There is nothing in which the talents of a prudent commander are more completely testified, than in

thus setting matters off to the greatest advantage; and it is for this reason that our frontier posts at the present

day (that of Niagara in particular) display their best suit of regimentals on the back of the centinel who stands

His men being thus gallantly arrayed those who lacked muskets shouldering shovels and pick axes, and

every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt tail and pull up his brogues, general Von Poffenburgh first took a

sturdy draught of foaming ale, which like the magnanimous More of More hall8 was his invariable practice

on all great occa sions which done he put himself at their head, or dered the pine planks, which served

as a draw bridge, to be laid down, and issued forth from his castle, like a mighty giant, just refreshed with

wine. But when the two heroes met, then began a scene of warlike parade and chivalric courtesy, that beggars

all description. Risingh, who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, cunning politician, and had grown grey much

before his time, in consequence of his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Von

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of each other; they carried arms and they presented

arms; they gave the standing salute and the passing salute They rolled their drums, they flourished their

fifes and they waved their colours they faced to the left, and they faced to the right, and they faced to the

right about They wheeled forward, and they wheeled backward, and they wheeled into echellon They

marched and they countermarched, by grand divisions, by single divi sions and by subdivisions by

platoons, by sections and by files In quick time, in slow time and in no time at all; for, having gone

through all the evolu tions of two great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas (which, not

being yet in vented they must have anticipated by intuition or inspiration) having exhausted all that they

could recollect or imagine of military tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like of

which were never seen before or since, excepting among certain of our newly raised drafts, the two great

commanders and their respective troops, came at length to a dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of

war Never did two valiant train band captains, or two buskin'd theatric heroes, in the renowned tragedies

of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their gallowslooking,

ducklegged, heavyheeled, sheepstealing myrmidons with more glory and self admiration.

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These military compliments being finished, ge neral Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visi tor, with

great ceremony into the fort; attended him throughout the fortifications; shewed him the horn works, crown

works, half moons, and various other outworks; or rather the places where they ought to be erected, and

where they might be erected if he pleased; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of "great capability," and

though at present but a little redoubt, yet that it evidently was a formidable fortress, in embryo. This survey

over, he next had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the

three bride well birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought up to the halberts and soundly flogged, for

the amusement of his visitor, and to convince him, that he was a great disciplinarian.

There is no error more dangerous than for a commander to make known the strength, or, as in the present

case, the weakness of his garrison; this will be exemplified before I have arrived to an end of my present

story, which thus carries its moral like a roasted goose his pudding in its very middle. The cunning Risingh,

while he pretended to be struck dumb outright, with the puissance of the great Von Poffenburgh, took silent

note of the incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his trusty followers; who tipped each

The inspection, review, and flogging being con cluded, the party adjourned to the table; for among his other

great qualities, the general was re markably addicted to huge entertainments, or rather carousals, and in one

afternoon's campaign would leave more dead men on the field, than he ever did in the whole course of his

military career. Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do still remain on record; and the whole province

was once thrown in amaze, by the return of one of his campaigns; wherein it was stated, that though like

captain Bobadel, he had only twenty men to back him, yet in the short space of six months he had con

quered and utterly aunihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cabbages, one

thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven hundred and

thirty five pipes, seventy eight pounds of sugarplumbs, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small meats,

game, poultry and garden stuff. An atchievement unparalleled since the days of Pantagruel and his all

devouring army, and which shewed that it was only necessary to let the great general Von Poffenburgh, and

his garrison, loose in an enemies country, and in a little while they would breed a famine, and starve all the

No sooner therefore had the general received the first intimation of the visit of governor Risingh, than he

ordered a big dinner to be prepared; and privately sent out a detachment of his most ex perienced veterans,

to rob all the henroosts in the neighbourhood, and lay the pigstyes under contribution; a service to which

they had been long enured, and which they discharged with such incredible zeal and promptitude, that the

I wish with all my heart, my readers could see the valiant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided at the head of the

banquet: it was a sight worth behold ing there he sat, in his greatest glory, surround ed by his soldiers,

like that famous wine bibber Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did most ably imitate telling astounding

stories of his hair breadth adventures and heroic exploits, at which, though all his auditors knew them to be

most in continent and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they cast up their eyes in admiration and utter many

in terjections of astonishment. Nor could the gene ral pronounce any thing that bore the remotest

semblance to a joke, but the stout Risingh would strike his brawny fist upon the table till every glass rattled

again, throwing himself back in his chair, and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing most horribly, it

was the best joke he ever heard in his life. Thus all was rout and revelry and hi deous carousal within

Fort Casimer, and so lustily did the great Von Poffenburgh ply the bottle, that in less than four short hours he

made himself, and his whole garrison, who all sedulously emulated the deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk,

in singing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drinking fourth of July toasts, not one of which, but was as long as a

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No sooner did things come unto this pass, than the crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cun ningly kept

themselves sober, rose on their enter tainers, tied them neck and heels, and took formal possession of the

fort, and all its dependencies, in the name of queen Christina, of Sweden: adminis tering, at the same time,

an oath of allegiance to all the dutch soldiers, who could be made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh then

put the fortifications in order, appointed his discreet and vigilant friend Suen Scutz, a tall, winddried, water

drinking Swede, to the command, and departed bearing with him this truly amiable garrison, and their

puissant commander; who when brought to himself by a sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance to a

The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent the transmission of intelligence to New Amsterdam;

for much as the cunning Risingh ex ulted in his stratagem, he dreaded the vengeance of the sturdy Peter

Stuyvesant; whose name spread as much terror in the neighbourhood, as did whi lome that of the

Shewing how profound secrets are strangely brought to light; with the proceedings of Peter the Headstrong

Whoever first described common fame, or ru mour, as belonging to the sager sex, was a very owl for

shrewdness. She has in truth certain feminine qualities to an astonishing degree; particularly that benevolent

anxiety to take care of the affairs of others, which keeps her continually hunting after secrets, and gadding

about, proclaiming them. Whatever is done openly and in the face of the world, she takes but transient notice

of, but when ever a transaction is done in a corner, and attempt ed to be shrouded in mystery, then her

goddesship is at her wit's end to find it out, and takes a most mischievous and ladylike pleasure in

publishing it to the world. It is this truly feminine propensity that induces her continually to be prying into

cabi nets of princes; listening at the key holes of se nate chambers, and peering through chinks and

crannies, when our worthy Congress are sitting with closed doors, deliberating between a dozen excellent

modes of ruining the nation. It is this which makes her so obnoxious to all wary states men and intriguing

commanders such a stumbling block to private negociations and secret expeditions; which she often

betrays, by means and instruments which never would have been thought of by any but a female head.

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Ca simer. No doubt the cunning Risingh imagined, that by

securing the garrison, he should for a long time prevent the history of its fate from reaching the ears of the

gallant Stuyvesant; but his exploit was blown to the world when he least expected it, and by one of the last

beings he would ever have sus pected of enlisting as trumpeter to the wide mouth ed deity.

This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of hanger on to the garrison; who seemed to belong to no

body, and in a manner to be self out lawed. One of those vagabond Cosmopolites, who shirk about the

world, as if they had no right or business in it, and who infest the skirts of socie ty, like poachers and

interlopers. Every garrison and country village has one or more scape goats of this kind, whose life is a kind

of enigma, whose ex istence is without motive, who comes from the Lord knows where, who lives the Lord

knows how, and seems to be made for no other earthly purpose but to keep up the antient and honourable

order of idleness This vagrant philosopher was supposed to have some Indian blood in his veins, which

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was manifested by a certain Indian complex ion and cast of countenance; but more especially by his

propensities and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift of foot and longwinded. He was generally equipped

in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and moccasons. His hair hung in straight gallows locks, about his

ears, and added not a little to his shirking demeanour. It is an old remark, that persons of Indian mixture are

half ci vilized, half savage, and half devil, a third half be ing expressly provided for their particular

conveni ence. It is for similar reasons, and probably with equal truth, that the backwoodmen of Kentucky

are styled half man, half horse and half alligator, by the settlers on the Mississippi, and held according ly in

The above character may have presented itself to the garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they

familiarly dubbed Galgenbrok, or Gallows Dirk. Certain it is, he appeared to acknowledge allegiance to no

one was an utter enemy to work, holding it in no manner of estimation but lounged about the fort,

depending upon chance for a sub sistence; getting drunk whenever he could get li quor, and stealing

whatever he could lay his hands on. Every day or two he was sure to get a sound ribroasting for some of his

misdemeanours, which however, as it broke no bones, he made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat the

offence, whenever another opportunity presented. Some times in consequence of some flagrant villainy, he

would abscond from the garrison, and be absent for a month at a time; skulking about the woods and swamps,

with a long fowling piece on his shoulder, laying in ambush for game or squatting himself down on the

edge of a pond catching fish for hours together, and bearing no little resemblance to that notable bird ycleped

the Mudpoke. When he thought his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he would sneak back to the fort

with a bundle of skins, or a bunch of poultry which perchance he had stolen, and exchange them for liquor,

with which, having well soaked his carcass, he would lay in the sun and enjoy all the luxurious indolence of

that swinish phi losopher Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm yards in the country; into which he

made fearful inroads; and sometimes he would make his sudden appearance at the garrison at day break, with

the whole neighbourhood at his heels; like a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his maraudings and hunt ed

to his hole. Such was this Dirk Schuiler; and from the total indifference he shewed to the world or its

concerns, and from his true Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt, that he would

When the carousal was going on, which proved so fatal to the brave Von Poffenburgh and his watchful

garrison, Dirk skulked about from room to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or use less hound,

whom nobody noticed. But though a fellow of few words, yet like your taciturn people, his eyes and ears

were always open, and in the course of his prowlings he overheard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk

immediately settled in his own mind, how he should turn the matter to his own advantage. He played the

perfect jackof bothsides that is to say, he made a prize of every thing that came in his reach, robbed

both parties, stuck the copper bound cocked hat of the puissant Von Poffenburgh, on his head, whipped a

huge pair of Risingh's jack boots under his arm, and took to his heels, just before the denouement and

Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native

place, New Amsterdam, from whence he had formerly been obliged to abscond precipi tately, in

consequence of misfortune in business in other words, having been detected in the act of sheep stealing.

After wandering many days in the woods, toiling through swamps, fording brooks, swimming various rivers,

and encountering a world of hardships that would have killed any other be ing, but an Indian, a

backwoodman, or the devil, he at length arrived, half famished, and lank as a starved weazle at

Communipaw, where he stole a canoe and paddled over to New Amsterdam. Im mediately on landing, he

repaired to governor Stuy vesant, and in more words than he had ever spoken before, in the whole course of

On receiving these direful tidings the valiant Peter started from his seat, as did the stout king Arthur when at

"merry Carleile," the news was brought him of the uncourteous misdeeds of the "grim barone" without

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

uttering a word, he dashed the pipe he was smoking against the back of the chimney thrust a prodigious

quid of negro head tobacco into his left cheek pulled up his galligas kins, and strode up and down the

room, humming, as was customary with him, when in a passion a most hideous northwest ditty. But, as I

have be fore shewn, he was not a man to vent his spleen in idle vapouring. His first measure after the

paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was to stump up stairs, to a huge wooden chest, which served as his

armoury, from whence he drew forth that identical suit of regimentals described in the preceding chapter. In

these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, like Achilles in the armour of Vulcan, maintaining all the

while a most appalling silence; knitting his brows and drawing his breath through his clinched teeth. Being

hastily equipped, he thundered down into the parlour like a second Magog jerked down his trusty sword,

from over the fire place, where it was usually suspended; but before he girded it on his thigh he drew it from

its scabbard, and as his eye coursed along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his iron visage It was

the first smile that had visited his countenance for five long weeks; but every one who beheld it, prophesied

Thus armed at all points, with grizly war de picted in each feature; his very cocked hat assum ing an air of

uncommon defiance; he instantly put himself on the alert, and dispatched Antony Van Corlear hither and

thither, this way and that way, through all the muddy streets and crooked lanes of the city: summoning by

sound of trumpet his trusty peers to assemble in instant council. This done, by way of expediting matters,

according to the cus tom of people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle, thrusting his bottom into every

chair, popping his head out of every window, and stumping up and down stairs with his wooden leg in such

brisk and incessant motion, that, as I am informed by an au thentic historian of the times, the continual

clatter bore no small resemblance to the music of a cooper, hooping a flour barrel.

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the governor's mettle, was not to be trifled with: the sages

forthwith repaired to the council chamber, where the gallant Stuyvesant entered in martial style, and took his

chair, like another Charlemagne, among his Paladins. The councillors seated them selves with the utmost

tranquillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed with unruffled composure on his excellency and his

regimentals; being, as all coun cillors should be, not easily flustered, or taken by surprise. The governor, not

giving them time to recover from the astonishment they did not feel, addressed them in a short, but soul

I am extremely sorry, that I have not the advan tages of Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch and others of my

predecessors, who were furnished as I am told, with the speeches of all their great emperors, generals, and

orators, taken down in short hand, by the most accurate stenographers of the time; whereby they were enabled

wonderfully to enrich their histories, and delight their readers with sublime strains of elo qence. Not having

such important auxiliaries, I can not possibly pronounce, what was the tenor of gover nor Stuyvesant's

speech. Whether he with maiden coyness hinted to his hearers that "there was a speck of war in the horison;"

that it would be necessary to resort to the "unprofitable trial of which could do each other the most harm,"

or any other deli cate construction of language, whereby the odious subject of war, is handled so

fastidiously and modestly by modern statesmen; as a gentleman volunteer handles his filthy saltpetre

I am bold however to say, from the tenor of Pe ter Stuyvesant's character, that he did not wrap his rugged

subject in silks and ermines, and other sick ly trickeries of phrase; but spoke forth, like a man of nerve and

vigour, who scorned to shrink in words, from those dangers which he stood ready to encounter in very deed.

This much is certain, that he concluded by announcing his determination of leading on his troops in person,

and routing these costardmonger Swedes, from their usurped quar ters at Fort Casimer. To this hardy

resolution, such of his council as were awake, gave their usual signal of concurrence, and as to the rest, who

had fallen asleep about the middle of the harangue (their "usual custom in the afternoon") they made not

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And now was seen in the fair city of New Am sterdam, a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war.

Recruiting parties marched hither and thither, trailing long standards in the mud, with which as at the present

day the streets were benevo lently covered, for the benefit of those unfortunate wights who are aggrieved

with corns. Thus did they lustily call upon and invite all the scrubs, the runagates and the tatterdemalions of

the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition of six pence a day, and immortal fame into the

bargain, to en list in the cause of glory. For I would have you note that your warlike heroes who trudge in

the rear of conquerors, are generally of that illustrious class of gentlemen, who are equal candidates for the

army or the bridewell the halberts or the whip ping post for whom dame fortune has cast an even die

whether they shall make their exit by the sword or the halter and whose deaths shall, at all events, be a

But notwithstanding all this martial rout and invitation, the ranks of honour were but scantily supplied; so

averse were the peaceful burghers of New Amsterdam to enlist in foreign broils, or stir beyond that home,

which rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, the great Peter whose noble heart was all on fire

with war and sweet re venge, determined to wait no longer for the tardy assistance of these oily citizens, but

to muster up his merry men of the Hudson; who, brought up among woods and wilds and savage beasts, like

our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so much as desperate adventures and perilous expeditions

through the wilderness. Thus resolving, he order ed his trusty squire Antony Van Corlear to have his state

galley prepared and duly victualled; which be ing faithfully performed he attended public service at the

great church of St. Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then leaving peremp tory orders with his

council to have the chivalry of the Manhattoes marshalled out and appoint ed against his return, departed

Containing Peter Stuyvesant's voyage up the Hud son, and the wonders and delights of that re nowned

Now did the soft breezes of the south, steal sweetly over the beauteous face of nature, tempering the panting

heats of summer into genial and prolific warmth: when that miracle of hardihood and chi valric virtue, the

dauntless Peter Stuyvesant, spread his canvass to the wind, and departed from the fair island of Mannahata.

The galley in which he em barked was sumptuously adorned with pendants and streamers of gorgeous dyes,

which fluttered gaily in the wind, or drooped their ends into the bosom of the stream. The bow and poop of

this majestic vessel were gallantly bedight, after the rarest dutch fashion, with naked figures of little pursy

cupids with periwigs on their heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers, the like of which are not

to be found in any book of botany; being the matchless flowers which flourished in the golden age, and exist

no longer, unless it be in the imagina tions of ingenious carvers of wood and discolourers of canvass.

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state of the puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did the galley of

Peter Stuyvesant launch forth upon the bosom of the lordly Hudson; which as it rolled its broad waves to the

occan, seemed to pause for a while, and swell with pride, as if conscious of the illustrious burthen it

But trust me gentlefolk, far other was the scene presented to the contemplation of the crew, from that which

may be witnessed at this degenerate day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned on the bor ders of this

mighty river the hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low the dark forests, and tamed the features of the

landscape nor had the frequent sail of commerce yet broken in upon the pro found and awful solitude of

ages. Here and there might be seen a rude wigwam perched among the cliffs of the mountains, with its

curling column of smoke mounting in the transparent atmosphere but so loftily situated that the

whoopings of the sa vage children, gambolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as faintly on

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the ear, as do the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure vault of heaven. Now and then from the beetling

brow of some rocky precipice, the wild deer would look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as it passed

below; and then tossing his branching antlers in the air, would bound away into the thickets of the forest.

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of the rocky

heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens; and were

fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times long past, by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his

favourite abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mortals. Now did they career it gaily across the vast expanse of

Tappan bay, whose wide extended shores present a vast variety of delectable scenery here the bold

promontory, crowned with embowering trees ad vancing into the bay there the long woodland slope,

sweeping up from the shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the rude upland precipice while at a

distance a long waving line of rocky heights, threw their gigantic shades across the water. Now would they

pass where some modest little interval, opening among these stupendous scenes, yet retreating as it were for

protection into the embraces of the neighbouring mountains, dis played a rural paradise, fraught with sweet

and pas toral beauties; the velvet tufted lawn the bushy copse the tinkling rivulet, stealing through the

fresh and vivid verdure on whose banks was situ ated some little Indian village, or peradventure, the

The different periods of the revolving day seemed each with cunning magic, to diffuse a dif ferent charm

over the scene. Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blazing from the summits of the

eastern hills and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy gems; while along the borders of the river

were seen heavy masses of mist, which like midnight caitiffs, dis turbed at his approach, made a sluggish

retreat, rolling in sullen reluctance up the mountains. At such times all was brightness and life and gaiety

the atmosphere seemed of an indescribable pureness and transparency the birds broke forth in wanton

madrigals, and the freshening breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when the sun sunk amid a

flood of glory in the west, mantling the heavens and the earth with a thousand gor geous dyes then all

was calm and silent and magnificent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast the simple

seaman with folded arms leaned against the shrouds, lost in that invo luntary musing which the sober

grandeur of nature commands in the rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the Hudson was like an

unruffled mirror, reflecting the golden splendour of the heavens, excepting that now and then a bark canoe

would steal across its surface, filled with painted savages, whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance a

But when the fairy hour of twilight spread its magic mists around, then did the face of nature assume a

thousand fugitive charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious works of its maker,

are inexpressibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that prevailed, just served to tinge with illusive

colours, the softened features of the scenery. The deceived but delight ed eye sought vainly to discern in the

broad masses of shade, the separating line between the land and water; or to distinguish the fading objects

that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, producing with

industrious craft a fairy creation of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks frowned upon the

watery waste, in the semblance of lofty towers and high embattled castles trees assumed the direful forms

of mighty giants, and the inacces sible summits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innumerable variety of insects, who filled the air with a

strange but not inharmonious concert while ever and anon was heard the melancholy plaint of the

Whippoorwill, who, perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with his incessant moanings. The

mind, soothed into a hallowed melancholy by the solemn mystery of the scene, listened with pensive stillness

to catch and distinguish each sound, that vaguely echoed from the shore now and then startled perchance

by the whoop of some straggling savage, or the dreary howl of some caitiff wolf, stealing forth upon his

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

Thus happily did they pursue their course, until they entered upon those awful defiles deno minated THE

HIGHLANDS, where it would seem that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their im pious war with heaven,

piling up cliffs on cliffs, and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. But in sooth very different is the

history of these cloudcapt mountains. These in ancient days, be fore the Hudson poured his waters from

the lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined the

rebellious spirits who repined at his controul. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in rifted pines, or

crushed by ponderous rocks, they groaned for many an age. At length the lordly Hudson, in his irre

sistible career towards the ocean, burst open their prison house, rolling his tide triumphantly through its

Still however do many of them lurk about their old abodes; and these it is, according to venerable legends,

that cause the echoes which resound throughout these awful solitudes; which are nothing but their angry

clamours when any noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. But when the elements are agitated by

tempest, when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, then horri ble is the yelling and howling of these

troubled spirits making the mountains to rebellow with their hideous uproar; for at such times it is said,

they think the great Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in gloomy caverns and renew their

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon the gallant Stuyvesant; naught occupied his active mind

but thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew trouble

their vacant minds with any romantic speculations of the kind. The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe,

thinking of nothing either past present or to come those of his comrades who were not industriously

snoring under the hatches, were listening with open mouths to Antony Van Corlear; who, seated on the

wind lass, was relating to them the marvellous history of those myriads of fire flies, that sparkled like gems

and spangles upon the dusky robe of night. These, according to tradition, were originally a race of pestilent

sempiternous beldames, who peopled these parts long before the memory of man; being of that abominated

race emphatically called brim stones; and who for their innumerable sins against the children of men, and to

furnish an awful warn ing to the beauteous sex, were doomed to infest the earth in the shape of these

threatening and terrible little bugs; enduring the internal torments of that fire, which they formerly carried in

their hearts and breathed forth in their words; but now are sentenced to bear about forever in their tails!

And now am I going to tell a fact, which I doubt me much my readers will hesitate to believe; but if they do,

they are welcome not to believe a word in this whole history, for nothing which it contains is more true. It

must be known then that the nose of Antony the trumpeter was of a very lusty size, strutting boldly from his

countenance like a moun tain of Golconda; being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and other precious

stones the true re galia of a king of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it heartily

at the flaggon. Now thus it happened, that bright and early in the morning, the good Antony having washed

his bur ley visage, was leaning over the quarter railing of the galley, contemplating it in the glassy wave be

low Just at this moment the illustrious sun, break ing in all his splendour from behind one of the high

bluffs of the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of

brass the reflection of which shot straightway down, hissing hot, into the water, and killed a mighty

sturgeon that was sporting beside the vessel! This huge monster being with infinite labour hoisted on board,

furnished a luxurious re past to all the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, excepting about the

wound, where it smack ed a little of brimstone and this, on my veracity, was the first time that ever

When this astonishing miracle came to be made known to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of the

unknown fish, he, as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly; and as a monument there of, he gave

the name of Anthony's Nose to a stout promontory in the neighbourhood and it has con tinued to be

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

But hold Whether am I wandering? By the mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuy

vesant on this voyage, I shall never make an end, for never was there a voyage so fraught with mar vellous

incidents, nor a river so abounding with transcendent beauties, worthy of being severally re corded. Even

now I have it on the point of my pen to relate, how his crew were most horribly frightened, on going on shore

above the highlands, by a gang of merry roystering devils, frisking and curvetting on a huge flat rock, which

projected into the river and which is called the Duyvel's Dans Kamer to this very day But no!

Diedrich Knick erbocker it becomes thee not to idle thus in thy historic wayfaring.

Recollect that while dwelling with the fond gar rullity of age, over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee, by

the recollections of thy youth, and the charms of a thousand legendary tales which beguiled the simple ear of

thy childhood; recollect that thou art trifling with those fleeting moments which should be devoted to loftier

themes. Is not time relent less time! shaking with palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour glass

before thee? hasten then to pursue thy weary task, lest the last sands be run, ere thou hast finished thy

Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his brave galley and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed

St. Nicholas; who I have no doubt will prosper him in his voyage, while we await his re turn at the great city

[9] Domine Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country about Albany in a letter which was written some time

after the settle ment thereof, says. "There is in the river, great plenty of Stur geon, which we christians do

Describing the powerful army that assembled at the city of New Amsterdam together with the in terview

between Peter the Headstrong, and gene ral Von Poffenburgh, and Peter's sentiments touching unfortunate

While thus the enterprizing Peter was coast ing, with flowing sail up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and

arousing all the phlegmatic little dutch settlements upon its borders, a great and puissant concourse of

warriors was assembling at the city of New Amsterdam. And here that most invaluable fragment of antiquity,

the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than commonly particular; by which means I am enabled to record the

illustrious host that en camped themselves in the public square, in front of the fort, at present denominated

In the centre then, was pitched the tent of the men of battle of the Manhattoes, who being the inmates of the

metropolis, composed the life guards of the governor. These were commanded by the valiant Stoffel

Brinkerhoff, who whilome had ac quired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay they displayed as a standard,

a mighty beaver rampant on a field of orange; being the arms of the pro vince, and denoting the persevering

Then might be seen on their right hand, the vassals of that renowned Mynheer, Michael Paw, who lorded it

over the fair regions of ancient Pavo nia, and the lands away south, even unto the Nave sink mountains,�

and was moreover patroon of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his trusty squire, Cornelius Van

Vorst; consisting of a huge oyster recumbent upon a seagreen field; being the armorial bearings of his

favourite metro polis, Communipaw. He brought to the camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being

each clad in ten pair of linsey woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by broad brimmed beavers, with short

pipes twisted in their hatbands. These were the men who vegetated in the mud along the shores of Pavonia;

being of the race of genuine copper heads, and were fabled to have sprung from oysters.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors who came from the neighbourhood of Hellgate.

These were commanded by the Suy Dams, and the Van Dams, most incontinent hard swearers, as their names

betoken they were terri ble looking fellows, clad in broad skirted gaberdines, of that curious coloured

cloth, called thunder and lightning and bore as a standard three Devil's darningneedles, volant, in a

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy borders of the Waelbogtig,11 and the country

thereabouts these were of a sour aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs which abound in these parts.

They were the first institutors of that honourable order of knighthood, called Fly market shirks, and if

tradition speak true, did likewise introduce the farfamed step in dancing, called "double trouble." They were

commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had moreover a jolly band of Brooklyn ferrymen,

But I refrain from pursuing this minute descrip tion, which goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen

dael, and Weehawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, well known in history and song for now

does the sound of martial music alarm the people of New Amsterdam, sounding afar from beyond the walls

of the city. But this alarm was in a little while relieved, for lo, from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they

recognized the brimstone coloured breeches, and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in the sun

beams; and beheld him approaching at the head of a formidable army, which he had mustered along the banks

of the Hud son. And here the excellent, but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into

a brave and glorious description of the forces, as they de filed through the principal gate of the city, that

First of all came the Van Bummels who inhabit the pleasant borders of the Bronx These were short fat

men, wearing exceeding large trunk breeches, and are renowned for feats of the trencher they were the

first inventors of Sup pawn or Mush and milk Close in their rear marched the Van Vlotens of Kaats kill,

most hor rible quaffers of new cyder, and arrant braggarts in their liquor After them came the famous

Van Pelts of Esopus, dextrous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch tailed steeds of the Esopus breed

these were mighty hunters of minks and musk rats, whence came the word Peltry Then the Van Nests of

Kinderhook, valiant robbers of birds nests, as their name denotes; to these if report may be believed, are we

indebted for the invention of slap jacks, or buckwheat cakes. Then the Van Grolls of Anthony's Nose,

who carried their liquor in fair round little pottles, by reason they could not bouse it out of their canteens,

having such rare long noses. Then the Gardeniers of Hudson and there abouts, distinguished by many

triumphant feats, such as robbing water melon patches, smoking rabbits out of their holes and the like; and by

being great lovers of roasted pigs tails; these were the ancestors of the renowned congress man of that name.

Then the Van Hoesens of SingSing, great choristers and players upon the jews harp; these marched two

and two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas. Then the Counhovens, of Sleepy Hollow, these gave birth

to a jolly race of publicans, who first discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of wine into a pint

bottle. Then the Van Court landts who lived on the wild banks of the Croton, and were great killers of

wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in shooting with the long bow. Then the Bunschotens of

Nyack and Kakiat who were the first that did ever kick with the left foot; they were gallant bushwhackers

and hunters of racoons by moonlight. Then the Van Winkles of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and

noted for running of horses and running up of scores at taverns; they were the first that ever winked with both

eyes at once. Lastly came the Knickerbockers of the great town of Scaghtikoke, where the folk lay stones

upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should be blown away. These derive their name, as some say,

from Knicker to shake, and Beker a goblet, in dicating thereby that they were sturdy toss pots of yore; but in

truth it was derived from Knicker to nod, and Boeken books; plainly meaning that they were great nodders or

Such was the legion of sturdy bush beaters that poured into the grand gate of New Amsterdam; the

Stuyvesant manuscript indeed speaks of many more, whose names I omit to mention, seeing that it behoves

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

me to hasten to matters of greater moment. Nothing could surpass the joy and mar tial pride of the lion

hearted Peter as he reviewed this mighty host of warriors, and he determined no longer to defer the

gratification of his much wished for revenge, upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort Casimer.

But before I hasten on to record those un matchable events, which will be found in the sequel of this

renowned history, let me pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Von Poffenburgh, the discom fited commander

in chief of the armies of the New Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness of human nature, that

scarcely did the news become public of his deplorable discomfiture at Fort Casi mer; than a thousand

scurvey rumours were set afloat in New Amsterdam, wherein it was insinuated, that he had in reality a

treacherous understanding with the Swedish commander; that he had long been in the practice of privately

communicating with the Swedes, together with divers hints about "secret service money" To all which

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his character by the most vehement oaths and protesta tions, and put

every man out of the ranks of honour who dared to doubt his integrity. Moreover on returning to New

Amsterdam, he paraded up and down the streets with a crew of hard swearers at his heels sturdy bottle

companions, whom he gorged and fattened, and who were ready to bolster him through all the courts of

justice Heroes of his own kidney, fierce whiskered, broad shouldered, colbrand looking swaggerers

not one of whom but looked as if he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with the horns. These life guard

men quar reled all his quarrels, were ready to fight all his battles, and scowled at every man that turned up

his nose at the general, as though they would de vour him alive. Their conversation was inter spersed with

oaths like minute guns, and every bombastic rodomontade was rounded off by a thun dering execration, like

All these valorous vapourings had a considerable effect in convincing certain profound sages, many of whom

began to think the general a hero of most unutterable loftiness and magnanimity of soul, particularly as he

was continually protesting on the honour of a soldier a marvelously high sounding asserveration. Nay one

of the members of the council went so far as to propose they should im mortalize him by an imperishable

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to be deceived Sending privately for the com mander

in chief of all the armies, and having heard all his story, garnished with the customary pious oaths,

protestations and ejaculations "Harkee, Metgelsel," cried he, "though by your own account you are the

most brave, upright and honourable man in the whole province, yet do you lie under the misfortune of being

most damnably traduced, and immeasureably despised. Now though it is certainly hard to punish a man for

his misfortunes, and though it is very possible you are totally inno cent of the crimes laid to your charge, yet

as heaven, at present, doubtless for some wise purpose, sees fit to withhold all proofs of your innocence, far

be it from me to counteract its sovereign will. Beside, I cannot consent to venture my armies with a com

mander whom they despise, or to trust the welfare of my people to a champion whom they distrust. Retire

therefore, my friend, from the irksome toils and cares of public life, with this comforting reflec tion that

if you are guilty, you are but enjoying your just reward and if you are innocent, that you are not the first

great and good man, who has most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in this wicked world

doubtless to be better treated in a better world, where there shall be neither error, calumny nor persecution.

In the mean time let me never see your face again, for I have a horrible antipathy to the countenances of

[10] This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, as may still be seen in ancient records.

mention made of this illustrious Patroon in another manuscript, which says: "De Heer (or the Squire) Michael

Paw, a dutch subject, about 10th Aug. 1630, by deed purchased Staten Island. N. B. The same Michael Paw

had what the dutch call a colonie at Pavonia, on the Jersey shore opposite New York, and his over seer in

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

1636, was named Corns. Van Vorst a person of same name in 1769, owned Pawles Hook, and a large

� So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these parts at present they are erroneously

[11] I. E. The Winding Bay, named from the winding of its shores. This has since been corrupted by the

In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of himself. After which is to be found much interesting

As my readers and myself, are about entering on as many perils and difficulties, as ever a con federacy of

meddlesome knightserrant wilfully ran their heads into; it is meet that like those hardy adventurers, we

should join hands, bury all differences, and swear to stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the end of the

enterprize. My readers must doubtless perceive, how completely I have altered my tone and deportment,

since we first set out together. I warrant they then thought me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a

Dutchman; for I never gave them a civil word, nor so much as touched my beaver, when I had oc casion to

address them. But as we jogged along together, in the highroad of my history, I gradual ly began to relax,

to grow more courteous, and occasionally to enter into familiar discourse, until at length I came to conceive a

most social, com panionable kind of regard for them. This is just my way I am always a little cold and

reserved at first, particularly to people about whom I neither know nor care the value of a brass farthing or a

Besides; why should I have been sociable to the host of howd'yedo acquaintances, who flocked around me

at my first appearance? They were merely attracted by a new face; many of them only stared me full in the

title page, and then walked off without saying a word; while others lingered yawningly through the preface,

and having gratified their shortlived curiosity, soon dropped off one by one. But more especially to try

their mettle, I had recourse to an expedient, similar to one which we are told was used, by that peerless flower

of chivalry, king Arthur; who before he admitted any knight to his intimacy, first required that he should

shew himself superior to danger or hardships, by encountering unheard of mishaps, slaying some dozen

giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a word of dwarfs, hyppogriffs and fiery dragons. On a

similar prin ciple I cunningly led my readers, at the first sally, into two or three knotty chapters, where they

were most woefully belaboured and buffetted, by a host of pagan philosophers and infidel writers. It did my

midriff good, by reason of the excessive laugh ter into which I was thrown at seeing the utter confusion and

dismay of my valiant cavaliers some dropped down dead (asleep) on the field; others threw down my

book in the middle of the first chapter, took to their heels, and never ceased scampering until they had fairly

run it out of sight; when they stopped to take breath, to tell their friends what troubles they had undergone,

and to warn all others from venturing on so thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my ranks more and

more; and of the mighty host that first set out, but a comparatively few made shift to survive, in exceedingly

What then! would you have had me take such sun shine, faint hearted recreants to my bosom, at our first

acquaintance? No no. I reserved my friendship for those who deserved it; for those who undauntedly bore

me company, in despite of diffi culties, dangers and fatigues. And now as to those who adhere to me at

present, I take them af fectionately by the hand. Worthy and thrice be loved readers! brave and well

tried comrades! who have faithfully followed my footsteps through all my wanderings I salute you from

my heart I pledge myself to stand by you to the last; and to conduct you, (so heaven speed this trusty

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

weapon which I now hold between my fingers,) trium phantly to the end of this our stupenduous under

But hark! while we are thus talking, the city of New Amsterdam is in a constant bustle. The gallant host of

warriors encamped in the bowling green are striking their tents; the brazen trumpet of Antony Van Corlear

makes the welkin to resound with portentous clangour the drums beat the standards of the Manhattoes,

of Hellgate and of Michael Paw wave proudly in the air. And now behold where the mariners are busily

prepared, hoisting the sails of yon top sail schooner, and those two clump built Albany sloops, which are to

The entire population of the city, man woman and child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New Am

sterdam, as it paraded the streets previous to em barkation. Many a dirty pocket handkerchief was waved

out of the windows; many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow, on the mournful occa sion. The grief

of the fair dames and beauteous damsels of Grenada, could not have been more vo ciferous on the

banishment of the gallant tribe of Abencerrages, than was that of the kind hearted Yfrouws of New

Amsterdam, on the departure of their intrepid warriors. Every love sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets

of her hero with ginger bread and doughnuts many a copper ring was ex changed and crooked

sixpence broken, in pledge of eternal constancy and there remain extant to this day, some love verses

written on that occasion, suf ficiently crabbed and incomprehensible to confound the whole universe.

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how they hung about the doughty Antony Van Corlear

for he was a jolly, rosy faced, lusty bachelor, and withal a great royster, fond of his joke and a desperate

rogue among the women. Fain would they have kept him to comfort them while the army was away; for

besides what I have said of him, it is no more than justice to add, that he was a kind hearted soul, noted for

his benevolent atten tions in comforting disconsolate wives during the absence of their husbands and this

made him to be very much regarded by the honest burghers of the city. But nothing could keep the valiant

An tony from following the heels of the old governor, whom he loved as he did his very soul so

embracing all the young vrouws and giving every one of them that had good teeth and a clean mouth, a dozen

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the least causes of public distress. Though the old governor

was by no means indulgent to the follies and waywardness of his subjects; and had turned over a complete

"new leaf," from that which was presented in the days of William the Testy, yet some how or another he had

become strangely popular among the people. There is something so captivating in personal bravery, that, with

the com mon mass of mankind, it takes the lead of most other merits. The simple folk of New Amster dam

looked upon Peter Stuyvesant, as a prodigy of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy of his mar tial

encounters, was regarded with reverence and admiration. Every old burgher had a budget of miraculous

stories to tell about the exploits of Hard koppig Piet, wherewith he regaled his children, of a long winter

night, and on which he dwelt with as much delight and exaggeration, as do our honest country yeomen on the

hardy adventures of old ge neral Putnam (or as he is familiarly termed Old Put,) during our glorious

revolution Not an indi vidual but verily believed the old governor was a match for Belzebub himself; and

there was even a story told with great mystery, and under the rose, of his having shot the devil with a silver

bullet one dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe through Hellgate But this I do not record as

being an absolute fact perish the man, who would let fall a drop that should discolour the pure stream of

Certain it is, not an old woman in New Amster dam, but considered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength,

and rested satisfied, that the public wel fare was secure as long as he was in the city. It is not surprising then

that they looked upon his de parture as a sore affliction. With heavy hearts they draggled at the heels of his

troop, as they marched down to the river side to embark. The governor from the stern of his schooner, gave a

short, but truly patriarchal address to his citi zens; wherein he recommended them to comport like loyal and

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

peaceful subjects to go to church regularly on sundays, and to mind their business all the week besides

That the women should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands looking after no bodies concerns but

their own: eschewing all gossippings, and morning gaddings and carry ing short tongues and long

petticoats. That the men should abstain from ward meetings and porter houses, entrusting the cares of

government to the officers appointed to support them staying home, like good citizens, making money for

them selves, and getting children for the benefit of their country. That the burgomasters should look well to

the public interest not oppressing the poor, nor indulging the rich not tasking their sagacity to devise

new laws, but faithfully enforcing those which were already made rather bending their at tention to

prevent evil than to punish it; ever re collecting that civil magistrates should consider themselves more as

guardians of public morals, than rat catchers employed to entrap public delin quents. Finally, he exhorted

them, one and all, high and low, rich and poor, to conduct themselves as well as they could; assuring them

that if they faithfully and conscientiously complied with this golden rule there was no danger but that they

would all conduct themselves well enough. This done he gave them a paternal benediction; the sturdy

Antony sounded a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a lusty shout of triumph, and

The good people of New Amsterdam crowd ed down to the Battery that blest resort, from whence so

many a tender prayer has been wafted, so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful look been cast by

lovesick damsel, after the lessening bark, which bore her adventurous swain to dis tant climes! Here the

populace watched with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it slowly floated down the bay, and when the

intervening land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues and down

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city The honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound

thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful look to the weather cock, on the church of St. Ni cholas, and all the

old women, having no longer the presence of Hardkoppig Piet to hearten them, gathered their children

In the mean while the armada of the sturdy Peter proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and after

encountering about as many storms and water spouts and whales and other horrors and pheno mena, as

generally befall adventurous landsmen, in perilous voyages of the kind; after undergoing a severe scouring

from that deplorable and unpitied malady called sea sickness; and suffering from a little touch of constipation

or dispepsy, which was cured by a box of Anderson's pills, the whole squadron arrived safely in the

Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his wearied ships time to breathe after la bouring so long in

the ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his course up the Delaware, and made a sudden appearance before Fort

Casimer. Having summoned the astonished garrison by a terrific blast from the trumpet of the long winded

Van Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, an in stant surrender of the fort. To this demand Suen

Scutz, the wind dried commandant, replied in a shrill, whiffling voice, which by reason of his ex treme

spareness, sounded like the wind whistling through a broken bellows "that he had no very strong reasons

for refusing, except that the demand was particularly disagreeable, as he had been order ed to maintain his

post to the last extremity." He requested time therefore, to consult with governor Risingh, and proposed a

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort so treacherously taken from him, and thus

pertinaceously withheld; refused the propos ed armistice, and swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, which like

the sacred fire was never extinguished, that unless the fort was surrendered in ten minutes, he would

incontinently storm the works, make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and split their scoun drel of a

commander, like a pickled shad. To give this menace the greater effect, he drew forth his trusty sword, and

shook it at them with such a fierce and vigorous motion, that doubtless, if it had not been exceedingly rusty, it

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

would have lighten ed terror into the eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men to bring a

broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swivels, three muskets, a long duck fowling piece and two

In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled all his forces, and commenced his war like operations.

Distending his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a most horrific twanging of his trumpet the lusty

choristers of SingSing broke forth into a hideous song of battle the warriors of Brooklyn and the Wael

bogtig blew a potent and astounding blast on their conch shells, all together forming as outrageous a concerto,

as though five thousand French orchestras were displaying their skill in a modern overture at the hearing

of which I warrant me not a Swede in the fortress but felt himself literally distilling away, with pure affright

Whether the formidable front of war thus sud denly presented, smote the garrison with sore dis may or

whether tbe concluding terms of the sum mons, which mentioned that he should surrender at discretion,

were mistaken by Suen Scutz, who though a Swede, was a very considerate easy tem pered man as a

compliment to his discretion, I will not take upon me to say; certain it is, he found it impossible to resist so

courteous a demand. Ac cordingly, in the very nick of time, just as the cabin boy had gone after a coal of

fire, to discharge the swivels, a chamade was beat on the rampart, by the only drum in the garrison, to the no

small satisfac tion of both parties; who, notwithstanding their great stomach for fighting, had full as good an

in clination, to cat a quiet dinner, as to exchange black eyes and bloody noses.

Thus did this impregnable fortress, once more return to the domination of their high mightinesses; Scutz, and

his garrison of twenty men, were allowed to march out with the honours of war, and the vic torious Peter,

who was as generous as brave, per mitted them to keep possession of all their arms and ammunition the

same on inspection being found totally unfit for service, having long rusted in the ma gazine of the fortress,

even before it was wrested by the Swedes from the magnanimous, but windy Von Poffenburgh. But I must

not omit to mention, that the governor was so well pleased with the services of his faithful squire Van

Corlear, in the reduction of this great fortress, that he made him on the spot, lord of a goodly domain in the

vicinity of New Am sterdam which goes by the name of Corlear's Hook, unto this very day.12

The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuy vesant, towards the Swedes, who certainly had used his

government very scurvily occasioned great, surprize in the city of New Amsterdam nay, cer tain of

those factious individuals, who had been enlightened by the political meetings, that prevailed during the days

of William the Testy but who had not dared to indulge their meddlesome ha bits, under the eye of their

present ruler; now emboldened by his absence, dared even to give vent to their censures in the streets

Murmurs, equally loud with those uttered by that nation of genuine grumblers, the British, in consequence of

the convention of Portugal; were heard in the very council chamber of New Amsterdam; and there is no

knowing whether they would not have broken out into downright speeches and invectives, had not the sturdy

Peter, privately sent home his walk ing staff, to be laid as a mace, on the table of the council chamber, in the

midst of his councillors; who, like wise men took the hint, and forever after held their peace.

[12] De Vriez, makes mention in one of his voyages of Corlears Hoek, and Corlears Plantagie, or Bouwery;

and that too, at an earlier date than the one given by Mr. Knickerbocker De Vriez, is no doubt a little

In which is shewn the great advantage the Author has over his reader in time of battle together with divers

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

"Strike while the Iron is hot," was a favourite saying of Peter the Great, while an apprentice in a blacksmith's

shop, at Amsterdam. It is one of those proverbial sayings, which speak a word to the ear, but a volume to the

understanding and contain a world of wisdom, condensed within a narrow compass Thus every art and

profession has thrown a gem of the kind, into the public stock, enriching society by some sage maxim and

pithy apothegm drawn from its own experience; in which is conveyed, not only the arcana of that individual

art or profession, but also the important secret of a prosperous and happy life. "Cut your coat accor ding to

your cloth," says the taylor "Stick to your last," cries the cobler "Make hay while the sun shines," says

the farmer "Prevention is bet ter than cure," hints the physician Surely a man has but to travel

through the world, with open ears, and by the time he is grey, he will have all the wisdom of Solomon and

then he has nothing to do but to grow young again, and turn it to the best advantage.

"Strike while the Iron is hot," was not more invariably the saying of Peter the great, than it was the practice of

Peter the Headstrong. Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast the first spoonful of turtle soup

salutes his palate, feels his impatient appetite but ten fold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks upon

the tureen, while his voracious eyes, projecting from his head, roll greedily round devouring every thing at

table so did the mettlesome Peter Stuyvesant, feel that intolerable hunger for martial glory, which raged

within his very bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimer, and nothing could allay it, but the conquest

of all New Sweden. No sooner therefore had he secured his conquest, than he stumped re solutely on,

This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small river (or as it is termed, creek,) of the same name,

which empties into the Delaware; and here that crafty governor Jan Risingh, like another Charles the twelfth,

Thus have I fairly pitted two of the most potent chieftans that ever this country beheld, against each other,

and what will be the result of their contest, I am equally anxious with my readers to ascertain. This will

doubtless appear a paradox to such of them, as do not know the way in which I write. The fact is, that as I am

not en gaged in a work of imagination, but a faithful and veritable history, it is not necessary, that I should

trouble my head, by anticipating its incidents and catastrophe. On the contrary, I generally make it a rule, not

to examine the annals of the times whereof I treat, further than exactly a page in ad vance of my own work;

hence I am equally inter ested in the progress of my history, with him who reads it, and equally

unconscious, what occurrence is next to happen. Darkness and doubt hang over each coming chapter with

trembling pen and anx ious mind I conduct my beloved native city through the dangers and difficulties, with

which it is con tinually surrounded; and in treating of my favourite hero, the gallant Peter Stuyvesant, I

often shrink back with dismay, as I turn another page, lest I should find his undaunted spirit hurrying him into

Thus am I situated at present. I have just conducted him into the very teeth of peril nor can I tell, any more

than my reader, what will be the issue of this horrid din of arms, with which our ears are mutually assailed. It

is true, I possess one advantage over my reader, which tends mar velously to soothe my apprehensions

which is, that though I cannot save the life of my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict the event of a

battle, (both of which misrepresentations, though much prac tised by the French writers, of the present

reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous his torian) yet I can now and then make him bestow on

his enemy a sturdy back stroke, sufficient to fell a giant; though in honest truth he may never have done any

thing of the kind or I can drive his antagonist clear round and round the field, as did Dan Homer most

falsely make that fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon around the walls of Troy; for which in my

humble opinion the prince of Poets, deserved to have his head broken as no doubt he would, had those

terrible fellows the Edinburgh reviewers, existed in those days or if my hero should be pushed too hard by

his opponent, I can just step in, and with one dash of my pen, give him a hearty thwack over the sconce, that

would have cracked the scull of Hercules himself like a faithful second in boxing, who when he sees his

principal down, and likely to be worsted, puts in a sly blow, that knocks the wind out of his adversary, and

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

I am aware that many conscientious readers will be ready to cry out "foul play!" whenever I render such

assistance but I insist that it is one of those little privileges, strenuously asserted and exercised by

historiographers of all ages and one which has never been disputed. An historian, in fact, is in some

measure bound in honour to stand by his hero the fame of the latter is entrusted to his hands, and it is his

duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a general, an admiral or any other commander, who in giving

an account of any battle he had fought, did not sorely belabour the enemy; and I have no doubt that, had my

heroes written the history of their own atchieve ments, they would have hit much harder blows, than any I

shall recount. Standing forth therefore, as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to do them the same

justice, they would have done them selves; and if I happen to be a little hard upon the Swedes, I give free

leave to any of their descendants, who may write a history of the state of Delaware, to take fair retaliation,

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses! my pen has long itched for a battle siege after

siege have I carried on, without blows or blood shed; but now I have at length got a chance, and I vow to

heaven and St. Nicholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say what they please, neither Sallust, Livy,

Tacitus, Polybius, or any other bat tle monger of them all, did ever record a fiercer fight, than that in which

And thou, most excellent reader, who, for thy faithful adherence to my heels, I could lodge in the best parlour

of my heart be not uneasy trust the fate of our favourite Stuyvesant to me for by the rood, come

what will, I'll stick by Hardkoppig Piet to the last; I'll make him drive about these lossels vile as did the

renowned Launcelot of the lake, a herd of recreant cornish Knights and if he does fall, let me never draw

my pen to fight another battle, in behalf of a brave man, if I don't make these lubberly Swedes pay for it!

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before fort Christina than he proceeded without delay to entrench

himself, and immediately on running his first parallel, dispatched Antony Van Corlear, that incomparable

trumpeter, to summon the fortress to surrender. Van Corlear was received with all due formality, hoodwinked

at the portal, and conducted through a pestiferous smell of salt fish and onions, to the citadel, a substantial hut

built of pine logs. His eyes were here uncovered, and he found him self in the august presence of governor

Risingh, who, having been accidentally likened to Charles XII, the intelligent reader will instantly perceive,

must have been a tall, robustious, able bodied, mean looking man, clad in a coarse blue coat with brass

buttons, a shirt which for a week, had longed in vain for the washtub, a pair of foxey coloured jack boots

and engaged in the act of shaving his grizly beard, at a bit of broken looking glass, with a vil lainous patent

Brummagem razor. Antony Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a kind of short hand speaker, a long

message from his excel lency, recounting the whole history of the province, with a recapitulation of

grievances, enumeration of claims, and concluding with a peremptory de mand of instant surrender: which

done, he turned aside, took his nose between his thumb and finger, and blew a tremendous blast, not unlike

the flourish of a trumpet of defiance which it had doubtless learned from a long and intimate

Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet and all, but with infinite impatience; leaning at times, as was

his usual custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at times twirling a huge steel watch chain or snapping his

fingers. Van Corlear having finished he bluntly replied, that Peter Stuyvesant and his summons might go to

the D l, whither he hoped to send him and his crew of raggamuffins before supper time. Then unsheathing

his brass hilted sword, and throwing away the scabbard "Fore gad," quod he, "but I will not sheathe thee

again, until I make a scabbard of the smoke dried leathern hide, of this runegate Dutchman." Then having

flung a fierce defiance in the teeth of his adversary, by the lips of his messenger, the latter was reconducted to

the portal, with all the ceremo nious civility due to the trumpeter, squire and ambassador of so great a

commander, and being again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with a tweak of the nose, to assist him in

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent reply, than he let fly a tremendous volley of red hot, four

and forty pounder execrations, that would infallibly have battered down the fortifi cations and blown up the

powder magazines, about the ears of the fiery Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably strong, and the

magazine bomb proof. Perceiving that the works withstood this terrific blast, and that it was utterly

impossible (as it really was in those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war with words, he ordered his merry

men all, to prepare for immediate assault. But here a strange murmur broke out among his troops, be

ginning with the tribe of the Van Bummels, those valiant trencher men of the Bronx, and spreading from man

to man, accompanied with certain muti nous looks and discontented murmurs. For once in his life, and only

for once, did the great Peter turn pale, for he verily thought his warriors were going to faulter in this hour of

perilous trial, and thus tarnish forever the fame of the province of New Nederlands.

But soon did he discover to his great joy, that in this suspicion he deeply wronged this most un daunted

army; for the cause of this agitation and uneasiness simply was, that the hour of dinner was at hand, and it

would have almost broken the hearts of these regular dutch warriors, to have broken in upon the invariable

routine of their habits. Beside it was an established rule among our valiant ances tors, always to fight upon a

full stomach, and to this may be doubtless attributed the circumstance that they came to be so renowned in

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under

the trees, buffeting stoutly with the contents of their wallets, and taking such affectionate embraces of their

canteens and pottles, as though they verily believed they were to be the last. And as I foresee we shall have

hot work in a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same, for which purpose I will bring this chapter to a

close; giving them my word of honour that no advantage shall be taken of this armistice, to surprise, or in any

Before we part however, I have one small favour to ask of them; which is, that when I have set both armies

by the cars in the next chapter, and am hurrying about, like a very devil, in the midst they will just stand a

little on one side, out of harms way and on no account attempt to interrupt me by a single question or

remonstrance. As the whole spirit, hurry and sublimity of the battle will depend on my exertions, the moment

I should stop to speak, the whole business would stand still wherefore I shall not be able to say a word to

my readers, throughout the whole of the next chapter, but I promise them in the one after, I'll listen to all they

[13] The formidable fortress and metropolis to which Mr. Knick erbocker alludes, is at present a flourishing

little town called Chris tiana, about thirty seven miles from Philadelphia, on your route to Baltimore.

Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in poetry or prose; with the admirable exploits of Peter the

"Now had the Dutchmen snatch'd a huge re past," and finding themselves wonderfully encou raged and

animated thereby, prepared to take the field. Expectation, says a faithful matter of fact dutch poet, whose

works were unfortunately de stroyed in the conflagration of the Alexandrian library Expectation now

stood on stilts. The world forgot to turn round, or rather stood still, that it might witness the affray; like a fat

round bellied alderman, watching the combat of two chivalric flies upon his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind,

as usual in such cases, were turned upon Fort Chris tina. The sun, like a little man in a crowd, at a puppet

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

shew, scampered about the heavens, popping his head here and there, and endeavouring to get a peep

between the unmannerly clouds, that obtruded themselves in his way. The historians filled their ink horns

the poets went without their dinners, either that they might buy paper and goosequills, or be cause they

could not get any thing to eat antiquity scowled sulkily out of its grave, to see itself out done while

even posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping extacy of retrospection, on the eventful field!

The immortal deities, who whilome had seen service at the "affair" of Troy now mounted their

featherbed clouds, and sailed over the plain, or mingled among the combatants in different dis guises, all

itching to have a finger in the pie. Jupi ter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted copper smiths, to have it

furbished up for the direful occasion. Venus, swore by her chastity she'd pa tronize the Swedes, and in

semblance of a blear eyed trull, paraded the battlements of Fort Chris tina, accompanied by Diana, as a

serjeant's widow, of cracked reputation The noted bully Mars, stuck two horse pistols into his belt,

shouldered a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered at their elbow, as a drunken corporal while Apollo

trudged in their rear, as a bandylegged fifer, playing most villain ously out of tune.

On the other side, the oxeyed Juno, who had won a pair of black eyes over night, in one of her curtain

lectures with old Jupiter, displayed her haughty beauties on a baggage waggon Minerva, as a brawny gin

suttler, tucked up her skirts, bran dished her fists, and swore most heroically, in ex ceeding bad dutch,

(having but lately studied the language) by way of keeping up the spirits of the soldiers; while Vulcan halted

as a clubfooted black smith, lately promoted to be a captain of militia. All was silent horror, or bustling

preparation; war reared his horrid front, gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful crest of bristling

And now the mighty chieftans marshalled out their hosts. Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a thousand rocks

encrusted with stockades, and en trenched to the chin in mud batteries His artillery consisting of two

swivels and a carronade, loaded to the muzzle, the touch holes primed, and a whiskerd bombardier stationed

at each, with lighted match in hand, waiting the word. His valiant in fantry, that had never turned back upon

an enemy (having never seen any before) lined the breast work in grim array, each having his mustachios

fiercely greased, and his hair pomatomed back, and queued so stiffly, that he grinned above the ram parts

There came on the intrepid Hardkoppig Piet, a second Bayard, without fear or reproach his brows

knit, his teeth clenched, his breath held hard, rushing on like ten thousand bellowing bulls of Bashan. His

faithful squire Van Corlear, trudg ing valiantly at his heels, with his trumpet gor geously bedecked with

red and yellow ribbands, the remembrances of his fair mistresses at the Manhat toes. Then came waddling

on his sturdy com rades, swarming like the myrmidons of Achilles. There were the Van Wycks and the Van

Dycks and the Ten Eycks the Van Nesses the Van Tassels, the Van Grolls; the Van Hoesens, the Van

Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms The Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van Dams; the Van Pelts, the Van

Rippers, and the Van Brunts. There were the Van Horns, the Van Borsums, the Van Bunschotens; the Van

Gelders, the Van Ars dales, and the Van Bummels The Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander

Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools and the Vander Spiegels. There came the Hoffmans, the

Hooglands, the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Oothouts, the Quack enbosses, the Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzs

the On derdonks the Varra Vangers, the Schermerhorns, the Brinkerhoffs, the Bontecous, the Knicker

bockers, the Hockstrassers, the Ten Breecheses and the Tough Breecheses, with a host more of valiant

worthies, whose names are too crabbed to be writ ten, or if they could be written, it would be impos sible

for man to utter all fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use the words of a great Dutch poet "Brimful

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst of his career, and mounting on a rotten stump addressed

his troops in eloquent low dutch, exhorting them to fight like duyvels, and assuring them that if they

conquered, they should get plenty of booty if they fell they should be allowed the unparalleled

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that it was in the service of their country and after they were dead,

of seeing their names inscrib ed in the temple of renown and handed down, in company with all the other

great men of the year, for the admiration of posterity. Finally he swore to them, on the word of a governor

(and they knew him too well to doubt it for a moment) that if he caught any mother's son of them looking

pale, or playing craven, he'd curry his hide till he made him run out of it like a snake in spring time. Then

lugging out his direful snickersnee, he bran dished it three times over his head, ordered Van Corlear to

sound a tremendous charge, and shout ing the word "St. Nicholas and the Manhattoes!" courageously

dashed forwards. His warlike fol lowers, who had employed the interval in lighting their pipes, instantly

stuck them in their mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged gallantly, under cover of the smoke.

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Risingh not to fire until they could distinguish the whites of

their assailants' eyes, stood in horrid silence on the covertway; until the eager dutch men had half ascended

the glacis. Then did they pour into them such a tremendous volley, that the very hills quaked around, and

were terrified even unto an incontinence of water, insomuch that cer tain springs burst forth from their sides,

which continue to run unto the present day. Not a dutchman but would have bit the dust, beneath that dreadful

fire, had not the protecting Minerva kind ly taken care, that the Swedes should one and all, observe their

usual custom of shutting their eyes and turning away their heads, at the moment of discharge.

But were not the muskets levelled in vain, for the balls, winged with unerring fate, went point blank into a

flock of wild geese, which, like geese as they were, happened at that moment to be flying past and

brought down seventy dozen of them which furnished a luxurious supper to the conquer ors, being well

Neither was the volley useless to the musquet eers, for the hostile wind, commissioned by the im placable

Juno, carried the smoke and dust full in the faces of the dutchmen, and would inevitably have blinded them,

had their eyes been open. The Swedes followed up their fire, by leaping the coun terscarp, and falling tooth

and nail upon the foe, with furious outcries. And now might be seen prodigies of valour, of which neither

history nor song have ever recorded a parallel. Here was be held the sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff brandishing

his lusty quarter staff, like the terrible giant Blanderon his oak tree (for he scorned to carry any other wea

pon,) and drumming a horrific tune upon the heads of whole squadrons of Swedes. There were the crafty Van

Courtlandts, posted at a distance, like the lit tle Locrian archers of yore, and plying it most po tently with

the long bow, for which they were so justly renowned. At another place were collected on a rising knoll the

valiant men of SingSing, who assisted marvellously in the fight, by chaunting forth the great song of St.

Nicholas. In a different part of the field might be seen the Van Grolls of An thony's nose; but they were

horribly perplexed in a defile between two little hills, by reason of the length of their noses. There were the

Van Bunscho tens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with the left foot, but their skill availed

them little at present, being short of wind in consequence of the hearty dinner they had eaten and they

would irretrievably have been put to rout, had they not been reinforced by a gallant corps of Voltigeurs com

posed of the Hoppers, who advanced to their assis tance nimbly on one foot. At another place might you see

the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bummels, who ever went together, gallantly pressing forward to bombard the

fortress but as to the Gardeniers of Hudson, they were absent from the battle, hav ing been sent on a

marauding party, to lay waste the neighbouring watermelon patches. Nor must I omit to mention the

incomparable atchievement of Antony Van Corlear, who, for a good quarter of an hour waged horrid fight

with a little pursy Swedish drummer, whose hide he drummed most magnificently; and had he not come into

the battle with no other weapon but his trumpet, would infal libly have put him to an untimely end.

But now the combat thickened on came the mighty Jacobus Varra Vanger and the fighting men of the

Wael Bogtig; after them thundered the Van Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van Rippers and the Van

Brunts, bearing down all before them then the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, pressing forward with many

a blustering oath, at the head of the warriors of Hellgate, clad in their thunder and lighting gaberdines; and

lastly the standard bearers and body guards of Peter Stuyvesant, bear ing the great beaver of the Manhattoes.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic despera tion,

the confusion and self abandonment of war. Dutchman and Swede commingled, tugged, panted and blowed.

The heavens were darkened with a tem pest of missives. Carcasses, fire balls, smoke balls, stink balls and

hand grenades, jostling each other, in the air. Bang! went the guns whack! struck the broad swords

thump! went the cudgels crash! went the musket stocks blows kicks cuffs scratches black

eyes and bloody noses swel ling the horrors of the scene! Thickthwack, cut and hack, helterskelter,

higgledypiggledy, hurley burley, head over heels, klipklap, slag op slag, hob over bol, rough and tumble!

Dunder and blixum! swore the dutchmen, splitter and splut ter! cried the Swedes Storm the works!

shouted Hardkoppig Piet fire the mine! roared stout Risingh Tantararara! twang'd the trumpet of

Antony Van Corlear until all voice and sound be came unintelligible grunts of pain, yells of fury, and

shouts of triumph commingling in one hideous clamour. The earth shook as if struck with a pa ralytic stroke

The trees shrunk aghast, and wilted at the sight The rocks burrowed in the ground like rabbits, and

even Christina creek turned from its course, and ran up a mountain in breathless terror!

Nothing, save the dullness of their weapons, the damaged condition of their powder, and the singu lar

accident of one and all striking with the flat in stead of the edge of their swords, could have pre vented a

most horrible carnage As it was, the sweat prodigiously streaming, ran in rivers on the field, fortunately

without drowning a soul, the combatants being to a man, expert swimmers, and furnished with cork jackets

for the occasion but many a valiant head was broken, many a stubborn rib belaboured, and many a broken

Long hung the contest doubtful, for though a heavy shower of rain, sent by the "cloud compell ing Jove," in

some measure cooled their ardour, as doth a bucket of water thrown on a group of fight ing mastiffs, yet did

they but pause for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the charge, belabour ing each other with black

and bloody bruises. Just at this juncture was seen a vast and dense column of smoke, slowly rolling towards

the scene of battle, which for a while made even the furious combat ants to stay their arms in mute

astonishment but the wind for a moment dispersing the murky cloud, from the midst thereof emerged the

flaunting ban ner of the immortal Michael Paw. This noble chieftain came fearlessly on, leading a solid

pha lanx of oysterfed Pavonians, who had remained behind, partly as a corps de reserve, and partly to

digest the enormous dinner they had eaten. These sturdy yeomen, nothing daunted, did trudge man fully

forward, smoaking their pipes with outrage ous vigour, so as to raise the awful cloud that has been

mentioned; but marching exceedingly slow, being short of leg and of great rotundity in the belt.

And now the protecting deities of the army of New Amsterdam, having unthinkingly left the field and stept

into a neighbouring tavern to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had well nigh

chanced to befall the Nederlanders. Scarcely had the myrmidons of the puissant Paw attained the front of

battle, before the Swedes, instructed by the cunning Risingh, levell ed a shower of blows, full at their

tobacco pipes. Astounded at this unexpected assault, and totally discomfited at seeing their pipes broken by

this "d d nonsense," the valiant dutchmen fall in vast confusion already they begin to fly like a

frighten ed drove of unwieldy Elephants they throw their own army in an uproar bearing down a whole

legion of little Hoppers the sacred banner on which is blazoned the gigantic oyster of Commu nipaw is

trampled in the dirt The Swedes pluck up new spirits and pressing on their rear, ap ply their feet a parte

poste with a vigour that prodi giously accelerates their motions nor doth the re nowned Paw himself,

But what, Oh muse! was the rage of the gallant Peter, when from afar he saw his army yield? With a voice of

thunder did he roar after his recreant warriors, putting up such a war whoop, as did the stern Achilles, when

the Trojan troops were on the point of burning all his gunboats. The dreadful shout rung in long echoes

through the woods trees toppled at the noise; bears, wolves and panthers jumped out of their skins, in pure

affright; several wild looking hills bounced clear over the Delaware; and all the small beer in Fort Christina,

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

The men of the Manhattoes plucked up new courage when they heard their leader or rather they dreaded

his fierce displeasure, of which they stood in more awe than of all the Swedes in Chris tendom but the

daring Peter, not waiting for their aid, plunged sword in hand, into the thickest of the foe. Then did he display

some such incredible atchievements, as have never been known since the miraculous days of the giants.

Wherever he went the enemy shrunk before him with fierce impetuosity he pushed forward, driving the

Swedes, like dogs, into their own ditch but as he fearlessly advanced, the foe, like rushing waves which

close upon the scudding bark, thronged in his rear, and hung upon his flank with fearful peril. One des

perate Swede, who had a mighty heart, almost as large as a pepper corn, drove his dastard sword full at the

hero's heart. But the protecting power that watches over the safety of all great and good men turned aside the

hostile blade, and directed it to a large side pocket, where reposed an enormous Iron Tobacco Box, endowed

like the shield of Achilles with supernatural powers no doubt in consequence of its being piously

decorated with a portrait of the blessed St. Nicholas. Thus was the dreadful blow repelled, but not without

Like as a furious bear, when gored by worrying curs, turns fiercely round, shews his dread teeth, and springs

upon the foe, so did our hero turn upon the treacherous Swede. The miserable varlet sought in flight, for

safety but the active Peter, seizing him by an immeasurable queue, that dangled from his head "Ah

Whoreson Caterpillar!" roared he, "here is what shall make dog's meat of thee!" So saying he whirled his

trusty sword, and made a blow, that would have decapitated him, had he, like Briareus, half a hundred heads,

but that the pitying steel struck short and shaved the queue for ever from his crown. At this very moment a

cunning arquebusier, perched on the summit of a neighbour ing mound, levelled his deadly instrument, and

would have sent the gallant Stuyvesant, a wailing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore had not the watchful

Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up her garter, saw the great peril of her favourite chief, and dispatched

old Boreas with his bellows; who in the very nick of time, just as the direful match descended to the pan,

Thus waged the horrid fight when the stout Risingh, surveying the battle from the top of a little ravelin,

perceived his faithful troops, banged, beaten and kicked by the invincible Peter. Language cannot describe

the choler with which he was seized at the sight he only stopped for a moment to disburthen himself of

five thousand anathemas; and then drawing his immeasurable cheese toaster, straddled down to the field of

combat, with some such thundering strides, as Jupiter is said by old Hesiod to have taken, when he strode

No sooner did these two rival heroes come face to face, than they each made a prodigious start of fifty feet,

(flemish measure) such as is made by your most experienced stage champions. Then did they regard each

other for a moment, with bitter aspect, like two furious ram cats, on the very point of a clapper clawing. Then

did they throw themselves in one attitude, then in another, striking their swords on the ground, first on the

right side, then on the left, at last at it they went, like five hundred houses on fire! Words cannot tell the

prodigies of strength and valour, displayed in this direful encounter an encounter, compared to which the

far famed battles of Ajax with Hector, of Eneas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, Guy of Warwick with

Colbrand the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh Knight Sir Owen of the mountains with the giant Guylon,

were all gentle sports and holliday recreations. At length the valiant Peter watching his opportunity, aimed a

fearful blow with the full intention of cleaving his adversary to the very chine; but Risingh nimbly raising his

sword, warded it off so narrowly, that glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge canteen full of fourth

proof brandy, that he always carried swung on one side; thence pursuing its tranchant course, it severed off a

deep coat pocket, stored with bread and cheese all which dainties rolling among the armies, occasioned a

fearful scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, and made the general battle to wax ten times more

Enraged to see his military stores thus woefully laid waste, the stout Risingh collecting all his forces, aimed a

mighty blow, full at the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little cocked hat oppose its course; the biting steel

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

clove through the stubborn ram beaver, and would infallibly have cracked his gal lant crown, but that the

scull was of such adamantine hardness that the brittle weapon shivered into five and twenty pieces, shedding

Stunned with the blow the valiant Peter reeled, turned up his eyes and beheld fifty thousand suns, besides

moons and stars, dancing Scotch reels about the firmament at length, missing his footing, by reason of his

wooden leg, down he came, on his seat of honour, with a crash that shook the sur rounding hills, and would

infallibly have wracked his anatomical system, had he not been received into a cushion softer than velvet,

which providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his

The furious Risingh, in despight of that noble maxim, cherished by all true knights, that "fair play is a jewel,"

hastened to take advantage of the hero's fall; but just as he was stooping to give the fatal blow, the ever

vigilant Peter bestowed him a sturdy thwack over the sconce, with his wooden leg, that set some dozen

chimes of bells ringing triple bobmajors in his cerebellum. The bewildered Swede staggered with the blow,

and in the mean time the wary Peter, espying a pocket pistol lying hard by (which had dropped from the

wallet of his faithful squire and trumpeter Van Corlear during his furious encounter with the drummer)

discharged it full at the head of the reeling Risingh Let not my reader mistake it was not a murderous

weapon loaded with powder and ball, but a little sturdy stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with a double

dram of true dutch courage, which the knowing Van Corlear always carried about him by way of replen

ishing his valour. The hideous missive sung through the air, and true to its course, as was the mighty

fragment of a rock, discharged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered the huge head of the gigantic Swede

This heaven directed blow decided the eventful battle. The ponderous pericranium of general Jan Risingh

sunk upon his breast; his knees tottered under under him; a deathlike torpor seized upon his Titan frame, and

he tumbled to the earth with such tremendous violence, that old Pluto started with affright, lest he should

His fall, like that of Goliah, was the signal for defeat and victory The Swedes gave way the Dutch

pressed forward; the former took to their heels, the latter hotly pursued Some entered with them, pell mell,

through the sally port others stormed the bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. Thus in a little

while the impregnable fortress of Fort Christina, which like another Troy had stood a siege of full ten hours,

was finally car ried by assault, without the loss of a single man on either side. Victory in the likeness of a

gigantic ox fly, sat perched upon the little cocked hat of the gallant Stuyvesant, and it was universally

declared, by all the writers, whom he hired to write the his tory of his expedition, that on this memorable

day he gained a sufficient quantity of glory to immorta lize a dozen of the greatest heroes in Christen dom!

In which the author and reader, while reposing after the battle, fall into a very grave and instructive discourse

after which is recorded the conduct of Peter Stuyvesant in respect to his victory.

Thanks to St. Nicholas! I have fairly got through this tremendous battle: let us sit down, my worthy reader,

and cool ourselves, for truly I am in a prodigious sweat and agitation Body o'me, but this fighting of

battles is hot work! And if your great commanders, did but know what trouble they give their historians, they

would not have the con science to atchieve so many horrible victories. I already hear my reader

complaining, that through out all this boasted battle, there is not the least slaughter, nor a single individual

maimed, if we except the unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his queue by the tranchant blade of Peter

Stuyvesant all which is a manifest outrage on probability, and highly injurious to the interest of the

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For once I candidly confess my captious reader has some grounds for his murmuring But though I could

give a variety of substantial reasons for not having deluded my whole page with blood, and swelled the

cadence of every sentence with dying groans, yet I will content myself with barely men tioning one; which

if it be not sufficient to satisfy every reasonable man on the face of the earth, I will consent that my book

shall be cast into the flames The simple truth then is this, that on con sulting every history, manuscript

and tradition, which relates to this memorable, though long forgot ten battle, I cannot find that a single man

My readers, if they have any bowels, must easily feel the distressing situation in which I was placed. I had

already promised to furnish them with a hideous and unparalleled battle I had made incre dible

preparations for the same and had more over worked myself up into a most warlike and bloodthirsty

state of mind my honour, as a his torian, and my feelings, as a man of spirit, were both too deeply

engaged in the business, to back out. Beside, I had transported a great and power ful force of warriors from

the Nederlandts, at vast trouble and expense, and I could not reconcile it to my own conscience, or to that

reverence which I entertain for them, and their illustrious descendants, to have suffered them to return home,

How to extract myself from this dilemma was truly perplexing. Had the inexorable fates only al lowed me

half a dozen dead men, I should have been contented, for I would have made them such heroes as abounded

in the olden time, but whose race is now unfortunately extinct. Men, who, if we may believe those authentic

writers, the poets, could drive great armies like sheep before them, and conquer and desolate whole cities by

their sin gle arm. I'd have given every mother's son of them as many lives as a cat, and made them die hard,

But seeing that I had not a single carcass at my disposal, all that was left for me, was to make the most I

could of my battle, by means of kicks and cuffs, and bruises black eyes, and bloody noses, and such like

ignoble wounds. My greatest diffi culty however, was, when I had once put my war riors in a passion, and

let them loose into the midst of the enemy; to keep them from doing mischief. Many a time had I to restrain

the sturdy Peter, from cleaving a gigantic Swede, to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen little

fellows on his sword, like so many sparrows And when I had set some hundreds of missives flying in the

air, I did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest it should have put an end to some unlucky

The reader cannot conceive how much I suffer ed from thus in a manner having my hands tied, and how

many tempting opportunities I had to wink at, where I might have made as fine a death blow, as any recorded

From my own experience, I begin to doubt most potently of the authenticity of many of Dan Homer's stories.

I verily believe, that when he had once launched one of his hearty blades among a crowd of the enemy, he cut

down many an ho nest fellow, without any authority for so doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark

and that often a poor devil was sent to grim Pluto's do mains, merely because he had a name that would give

a sounding turn to a period. But I disclaim all such unprincipled liberties let me but have truth and the law

on my side, and no man would fight harder than myself but since the various re cords I consulted did not

warrant it, I had too much conscience to kill a single soldier. By St. Nicholas, but it would have been a

pretty piece of business! My enemies the critics, who I foresee will be ready enough to lay any crime they can

discover, at my door, might have charged me with murder outright and I should have esteemed my self

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And now gentle reader that we are tranquilly sitting down here, smoking our pipes, permit me to indulge in a

melancholy reflection which at this moment passes across my mind. How vain, how fleeting, how

uncertain are all those gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and toiling in this world of fair delusions.

The wealthy store which the hoary miser has painfully amassed with so many weary days, so many sleepless

nights, a spendthrift heir shall squander away in joyless prodigality The noblest monuments which pride

has ever reared to perpetuate a name, the hand of time shall shortly tumble into promiscuous ruins and

even the brightest laurels, gained by hardiest feats of arms, may wither and be forever blighted by the chilling

neglect of mankind. "How many illustrious heroes," says the good Bo�tius, "who were once the pride and

glory of the age, hath the silence of historians buried in eternal oblivion!" And this it was, that made the

Spartans when they went to battle, solemnly to sacrifice to the muses, supplicating that their atchievements

should be worthily recorded. Had not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, observes the elegant Cicero, the valour of

Achilles had remained unsung. And such too, after all the toils and perils he had braved, after all the

gallant actions he had atchieved, such too had nearly been the fate of the chivalric Peter Stuy vesant, but

that I fortunately stepped in and en graved his name on the indelible tablet of history, just as the caitiff Time

The more I reflect, the more am I astonished to think, what important beings are we historians! We are the

sovereign censors who decide upon the renown or infamy of our fellow mortals We are the public

almoners of fame, dealing out her favours according to our judgment or caprice we are the benefactors of

kings we are the guar dians of truth we are the scourgers of guilt we are the instructors of the

world we are in short, what are we not! And yet how often does the lofty patrician or lordly

Burgomaster stalk con temptuously by the little, plodding, dusty historian like myself, little thinking that

this humble mortal is the arbiter of his fate, on whom it shall depend whether he shall live in future ages, or

be forgotten in the dirt, as were his ancestors before him. "In sult not the dervise" said a wise caliph to his

son, "lest thou offend thine historian;" and many a mighty man of the olden time, had he observed so obvious

a maxim, would have escaped divers cruel wipes of the pen, which have been drawn across his character.

But let not my readers think I am indulging in vain glorious boasting, from the consciousness of my own

power and importance. On the contrary I shudder to think what direful commotions, what heart rending

calamities we historians occasion in the world I swear to thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I weep at the

very idea! Why, let me ask, are so many illustrious men daily tearing them selves away from the

embraces of their distracted families slighting the smiles of beauty despising the allurements of

fortune, and exposing them selves to all the miseries of war? Why are renowned generals cutting the

throats of thousands who never injured them in their lives? Why are kings deso lating empires and

depopulating whole countries? in short, what induces all great men, of all ages and countries to commit so

many horrible victories and misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries upon mankind and on themselves; but the

mere hope that we historians will kindly take them into notice, and admit them into a corner of our volumes.

So that the mighty object of all their toils, their hard ships and privations is nothing but immortal fame

and what is immortal fame? why, half a page of dirty paper! alas! alas! how humiliating the idea

that the renown of so great a man as Peter Stuyvesant, should depend upon the pen of so little a man, as

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fatigues and perils of the field, it behoves us to return once

more to the scene of conflict, and in quire what were the results of this renowned conquest. The Fortress of

Christina being the fair metropolis and in a manner the Key to New Sweden, its capture was speedily

followed by the entire subjugation of the province. This was not a little promoted by the gallant and

courteous de portment of the chivalric Peter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet in the hour of victory was

he endued with a spirit generous, merciful and hu mane He vaunted not over his enemies, nor did he

make defeat more galling by unmanly insults; for like that mirror of Knightly virtue, the renown ed Paladin

Orlando, he was more anxious to do great actions, than to talk of them after they were done. He put no man to

death; ordered no houses to be burnt down; permitted no ravages to be per petrated on the property of the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

vanquished, and even gave one of his braves staff officers a severe ribroasting, who was detected in the act

He moreover issued a proclamation inviting the inhabitants to submit to the authority of their high

mightinesses; but declaring, with unexampled clemency, that whoever refused, should be lodged at the public

expense, in a goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have an armed retinue to wait on them in the

bargain. In consequence of these beneficent terms, about thirty Swedes stepped man fully forward and took

the oath of allegiance; in reward for which they were graciously permitted to remain on the banks of the

Delaware, where their descendants reside at this very day. But I am told by sundry observant travellers, that

they have never been able to get over the chapfallen looks of their ancestors, and do still unaccountably

transmit from father to son, manifest marks of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Amsterdam

The whole country of New Sweden, having thus yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a

colony called South River, and placed under the superintendance of a lieutenant governor; subject to the

controul of the supreme government at New Amsterdam. This great dignitary, was called Mynheer William

Beekman, or rather Beck man, who derived his surname, as did Ovidius Naso of yore, from the lordly

dimensions of his nose, which projected from the centre of his countenance, like the beak of a parrot. Indeed,

it is further more insinuated by various ancient records, that this was not only the origin of his name, but

like wise the foundation of his fortune, for, as the city was as yet unprovided with a clock, the public made

use of Mynheer Beckman's face, as a sun dial. Thus did this romantic, and truly picturesque feature, first

thrust itself into public notice, drag ging its possessor along with it, who in his turn dragged after him the

whole Beckman family These, as the story further adds, were for a long time among the most ancient and

honourable families of the province, and gratefully commemo rated the origin of their dignity, not as your

noble families in England would do, by having a glowing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, but by

one and all, wearing a right goodly nose, stuck in the very middle of their faces.

Thus was this perilous enterprize gloriously terminated, with the loss of only two men; Wolfert Van Horne, a

tall spare man, who was knocked overboard by the boom of a sloop, in a flaw of wind: and fat Brom Van

Bummel, who was sud denly carried off by a villainous indigestion; both, however, were immortalized, as

having bravely fallen, in the service of their country. True it is, Peter Stuyvesant had one of his limbs terribly

fractured, being shattered to pieces in the act of storming the fortress; but as it was fortunately his wooden

And now nothing remains to this branch of my history, but to mention, that this immaculate hero, and his

victorious army, returned joyously to the Manhattoes, marching under the shade of their laurels, as did the

followers of young Malcolm, under the moving forest of Dunsinane. Thus did they make a solemn and

triumphant entry into New Amsterdam, bearing with them the conquered Risingh, and the remnant of his

battered crew, who had refused allegiance. For it appears that the gigantic Swede, had only fallen into a

swound, at the end of the battle, from whence he was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of the nose.

These captive heroes were lodged, according to the promise of the governor, at the public expense, in a fair

and spacious castle; being the prison of state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal conqueror of Oyster

Bay, was appointed Lord Lieutenant; and which has ever since remained in the possession of his

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the joy of the people of New Amsterdam, at be holding their

warriors once more returned, from this war in the wilderness. The old women thronged round Antony Van

Corlear, who gave the whole history of the campaign with matchless accuracy; saving that he took the credit

of fighting the whole battle himself, and especially of vanquishing the stout Risingh, which he considered

himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that it was effected by his own stone pottle. The schoolmasters through

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

out the town gave holliday to their little urchins, who followed in droves after the drums, with pa per caps

on their heads and sticks in their breeches, thus taking the first lesson in vagabondizing. As to the sturdy

rabble they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuyvesant wherever he went, waving their greasy hats in the air,

It was indeed a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A huge dinner was prepared at the Stadthouse in honour of

the conquerors, where were assembled in one glorious constellation, the great and the little luminaries of New

Amsterdam. There were the lordly Schout and his obsequious deputy the Burgomasters with their

officious Schepens at their elbows the subaltern officers at the elbows of the Schepens, and so on to the

lowest grade of illustri ous hangerson of police; every Tag having his Rag at his side, to finish his pipe,

drink off his heeltaps, and laugh at his flights of immortal dull ness. In short for a city feast is a city

feast all the world over, and has been a city feast ever since the creation the dinner went off much the

same as do our great corporation junkettings and fourth of July banquets. Loads of fish, flesh and fowl were

devoured, oceans of liquor drank, thou sands of pipes smoked, and many a dull joke ho noured with much

I must not omit to mention that to this far famed victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his

many titles for so hugely delighted were the honest burghers with his atchievements, that they

unanimously honoured him with the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is to say Peter the Great, or as it was

translated by the people of New Am sterdam, Piet de Pig an appellation which he maintained even unto

the day of his death. END OF BOOK VI. [14] This castle though very much altered and modernized is still in

How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign people from the burthen of taking care of the nation with

The history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant, furnishes a melancholy picture of the incessant cares and

vexations inseparable from government; and may serve as a solemn warning, to all who are am bitious of

attaining the seat of power. Though crown ed with victory, enriched by conquest, and return ing in triumph

to his splendid metropolis, his exul tation was checked by beholding the sad abuses that had taken place

The populace, unfortunately for their own com fort, had taken a deep draught of the intoxicating cup of

power, during the reign of William the Tes ty; and though, upon the accession of Peter Stuy vesant they

felt, with a certain instinctive percep tion, which mobs as well as cattle possess, that the reins of government

had passed into stronger hands, yet could they not help fretting and chafing and champing upon the bit, in

restive silence. No sooner, therefore, was the great Peter's back turned, than the quid nuncs and pothouse

politicians of the city immediately broke loose, and indulged in the most ungovernable freaks and gambols.

It seems by some strange and inscrutable fatali ty, to be the destiny of most countries, and (more especially

of your enlightened republics,) always to be governed by the most incompetent man in the nation, so that you

will scarcely find an individual throughout the whole community, but who shall de tect to you innumerable

errors in administration, and shall convince you in the end, that had he been at the head of affairs, matters

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BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong his troubles with the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty. 136

would have gone on a thousand times more prosperously. Strange! that government, which seems to be so

generally un derstood should invariably be so erroneously admi nistered strange, that the talent of

legislation so prodigally bestowed, should be denied to the only man in the nation, to whose station it is

Thus it was in the present instance, not a man of all the herd of pseudo politicians in New Am sterdam, but

was an oracle on topics of state, and could have directed public affairs incomparably bet ter than Peter

Stuyvesant. But so perverse was the old governor in his disposition, that he would never suffer one of the

multitude of able counsellors by whom he was surrounded, to intrude his advice and save the country from

Scarcely therefore had he departed on his expe dition against the Swedes, than the old factions of William

Kieft's reign began to thrust their heads above water, and to gather together in political meetings, to discuss

"the state of the nation." At these assemblages the busy burgomasters and their officious schepens made a

very considerable figure. These worthy dignitaries were no longer the fat, well fed, tranquil magistrates that

presided in the peaceful days of Wouter Van Twiller On the con trary, being elected by the people, they

formed in a manner, a sturdy bulwark, between the mob and the administration. They were great candidates

for popularity, and strenuous advocates for the rights of the rabble; resembling in disinterested zeal the wide

mouthed tribunes of ancient Rome, or those virtuous patriots of modern days, emphatically de nominated

Under the tuition of these profound politicians, it is astonishing how suddenly enlightened the swin ish

multitude became, in matters above their com prehensions. Coblers, Tinkers and Taylors all at once felt

themselves inspired, like those religious ideots, in the glorious times of monkish illumina tion; and without

any previous study or experience, became instantly capable of directing all the move ments of government.

Nor must I neglect to men tion a number of superannuated, wrong headed old burghers, who had come over

when boys, in the crew of the Goede Vrouw, and were held up as infal liable oracles by the enlightened

mob. To suppose a man who had helped to discover a country, did not know how it ought to be governed was

prepos terous in the extreme. It would have been deemed as much a heresy, as at the present day to ques

tion the political talents, and universal infallibility of our old "heroes of '76" and to doubt that he who had

fought for a government, however stupid he might naturally be, was not competent to fill any station under it.

But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclina tion to govern his province without the assistance of his

subjects, he felt highly incensed on his return to find the factious appearance they had assumed during his

absence. His first measure therefore was to restore perfect order, by prostrating the dig nity of the sovereign

He accordingly watched his opportunity, and one evening when the enlightened mob was gathered together in

full caucus, listening to a patriotic speech from an inspired cobbler, the intrepid Peter, like his great namesake

of all the Russias, all at once appeared among them with a countenance, sufficient to petrify a mill stone. The

whole meet ing was thrown in consternation the orator seem ed to have received a paralytic stroke in

the very middle of a sublime sentence, he stood aghast with open mouth and trembling knees, while the

words horror! tyranny! liberty! rights! taxes! death! de struction! and a deluge of other patriotic phrases,

came roaring from his throat, before he had power to close his lips. The shrewd Peter took no notice of the

skulking throng around him, but advancing to the brawling bullyruffian, and drawing out a huge silver

watch, which might have served in times of yore as a town clock, and which is still re tained by his

decendants as a family curiosity, re quested the orator to mend it, and set it going. The orator humbly

confessed it was utterly out of his power, as he was unacquainted with the nature of its construction. "Nay,

but," said Peter "try your ingenuity man, you see all the springs and wheels, and how easily the clumsiest

hand may stop it and pull it to pieces; and why should it not be equally easy to regulate as to stop it." The

ora tor declared that his trade was wholly different, he was a poor cobbler, and had never meddled with a

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BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong his troubles with the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty. 137

watch in his life. There were men skilled in the art, whose business it was to attend to those mat ters, but for

his part, he should only mar the work manship, and put the whole in confusion "Why harkee master of

mine," cried Peter, turning sud denly upon him, with a countenance that almost petrified the patcher of

shoes into a perfect lap stone "dost thou pretend to meddle with the movements of government to

regulate and correct and patch and cobble a complicated machine, the principles of which are above thy

comprehension, and its simplest operations too subtle for thy un derstanding; when thou canst not correct a

trifling error in a common piece of mechanism, the whole mystery of which is open to thy inspection?

Hence with thee to the leather and stone, which are em blems of thy head; cobble thy shoes and confine

thyself to the vocation for which heaven has fitted thee But," elevating his voice until it made the welkin

ring, "if ever I catch thee, or any of thy tribe, whether squarehead, or platter breech, med dling with affairs

of government; by St. Nicholas but I'll have every mother's bastard of ye flea'd alive, and your hides stretched

This threat and the tremendous voice in which it was uttered, caused the whole multitude to quake with fear.

The hair of the orator rose on his head like his own swine's bristles, and not a knight of the thimble present,

but his mighty heart died within him, and he felt as though he could have verily escaped through the eye of a

But though this measure produced the desired effect, in reducing the community to order, yet it tended to

injure the popularity of the great Peter, among the enlightened vulgar. Many accused him of entertaining

highly aristocratic sentiments, and of leaning too much in favour of the patricians. Indeed there was some

appearance of ground for such a suspicion, for in his time did first arise that pride of family and ostentation of

wealth, that has since grown to such a height in this city.15 Those who drove their own waggons, kept their

own cows, and possessed the fee simple of a cabbage garden, looked down, with the most gracious, though

mor tifying condescension, on their less wealthy neigh bours; while those whose parents had been cabin

passengers in the Goede Vrouw, were continually railing out, about the dignity of ancestry Luxury began

to make its appearance under divers forms, and even Peter Stuyvesant himself (though in truth his station

required a little state and dignity.) appeared with great pomp of equipage on public occasions, and always

From this picture my readers will perceive, how very faithfully many of the peculiarities of our ancestors

have been retained by their descendants. The pride of purse still prevails among our wealthy citizens. And

many a laborious tradesman, after plodding in dust and obscurity in the morning of his life, sits down out of

breath in his latter days to enact the gentleman, and enjoy the dignity honestly earned by the sweat of his

brow. In this he resembles a notable, but ambitious housewife, who after drudging and stewing all day in the

kitchen to prepare an entertainment; flounces into the parlour of an evening, and swelters in all the

It is astonishing, moreover, to behold how many great families have sprung up of late years, who pride

themselves excessively on the score of ances try. Thus he who can look up to his father without humiliation

assumes not a little importance he who can safely talk of his grandfather, is still more vainglorious, but

he who can look back to his great grandfather, without stumbling over a cobler's stall, or running his head

against a whipping post, is absolutely intolerable in his pretensions to family bless us! what a piece of

For my part I look upon our old dutch families as the only local nobility, and the real lords of the soil nor

can I ever see an honest old burgher quietly smoking his pipe, but I look upon him with reverence as a

dignified descendant from the Van Rensellaers, the Van Zandts, the Knickerbockers, and the Van Tuyls.

But from what I have recounted in the former part of this chapter, I would not have my reader imagine, that

the great Peter was a tyrannical go vernor, ruling his subjects with a rod of iron on the contrary, where

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BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong his troubles with the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty. 138

the dignity of authority was not implicated, he abounded with generosity and courteous condescension. In

fact he really believed, though I fear my more enlightened republican readers will consider it a proof of his

ignorance and illiberality, that in preventing the cup of social life from being dashed with the intoxicating

ingredient of politics, he promoted the tranquility and happi ness of the people and by detaching their

minds from subjects which they could not understand, and which only tended to inflame their passions, he

enabled them to attend more faithfully and in dustriously to their proper callings; becoming more useful

So far from having any unreasonable austerity, he delighted to see the poor and the labouring man rejoice,

and for this purpose was a great pro moter of holidays and public amusements. Under his reign was first

introduced the custom of crack ing eggs at Paas or Easter. New year's day was also observed with

extravagant festivity and ushered in by the ringing of bells and firing of guns. Every house was a temple

to the jolly god Oceans of cherry brandy, true Hollands and mull ed cyder were set afloat on the

occasion; and not a poor man in town, but made it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of pure economy

It would have done one's heart good also to have seen the valiant Peter, seated among the old burghers and

their wives of a saturday afternoon, under the great trees that spread their shade over the Battery, watching

the young men and women, as they danced on the green. Here he would smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and

forget the rug ged toils of war, in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace. He would occasionally give a nod

of approbation to those of the young men who shuffled and kicked most vigorously, and now and then give a

hearty smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass that held out longest, and tired down all her

competitors infallible proofs of her being the best dancer. Once it is true the harmony of the meeting was

rather interrupted. A young vrouw, of great figure in the gay world, and who, having lately come from

Holland, of course led the fashions in the city, made her appearance in not more than half a dozen petticoats,

and these too of most alarming shortness. An universal whisper ran through the assembly, the old ladies

all felt shocked in the extreme, the young ladies blushed, and felt excessively for the "poor thing," and even

the governor himself was observed to be a little troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment of the good

folks, she undertook in the course of a jig, to describe some astonishing figures in alge bra, which she had

learned from a dancing master at Rotterdam. Whether she was too animated in flourishing her feet, or

whether some vagabond Zephyr took the liberty of obtruding his services, certain it is that in the course of a

grand evolution, that would not have disgraced a modern ball room, she made a most unexpected display

Whereat the whole assembly were thrown into great ad miration, several grave country members were not a

little moved, and the good Peter himself, who was a man of unparalleled modesty, felt himself grievously

The shortness of the female dresses, which had continued in fashion, ever since the days of William Kieft,

had long offended his eye, and though ex tremely averse to meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he

immediately recommended, that every one should be furnished with a flounce to the bot tom. He likewise

ordered that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, should use no other step in dancing, than shuffle and turn,

and double trouble; and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, any young lady thenceforth to attempt

These were the only restrictions he ever im posed upon the sex, and these were considered by them, as

tyrannical oppressions, and resisted with that becoming spirit, always manifested by the gen tle sex,

whenever their privileges are invaded In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly perceived, that if he attempted to

push the matter any further, there was danger of their leaving off petticoats altogether; so like a wise man,

experienced in the ways of women, he held his peace, and suffered them ever after to wear their petticoats

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BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong his troubles with the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty. 139

[15] In a work published many years after the time of which Mr. Knickerbocker treats (in 1701. By C. W. A.

M.) it is mentioned "Frederick Philips was counted the richest Mynheer in New York, and was said to have

whole hogsheads of Indian money or wampum; and had a son and daughter, who according to the Dutch

How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the moss troopers of the East, and the Giants of Merry land

and how a dark and horrid conspiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet, against the prosperity of the

We are now approaching towards what may be termed the very pith and marrow of our work, and if I am not

mistaken in my forebodings, we shall have a world of business to dispatch, in the ensuing chapters. Thus far

have I come on pros perously, and even beyond my expectations; for to let the reader into a secret (and truly

we have be come so extremely intimate, that I believe I shall tell him all my secrets before we part) when I

first set out upon this marvellous, but faithful little his tory, I felt horribly perplexed to think how I should

ever get through with it and though I put a bold face on the matter, and vapoured exceedingly, yet was it

naught but the blustering of a braggadocio at the commencement of a quarrel, which he feels sure he shall

When I reflected, that this illustrious province, though of prodigious importance in the eyes of its inhabitants

and its historian, had in sober sadness, but little wealth or other spoils to reward the trou ble of assailing it,

and that it had little to expect from running wantonly into war, save a sound drubbing When I pondered

all these things in my mind, I began utterly to despair, that I should find either battles, or bloodshed, or any

other of those calamities, which give importance to a nation, to enliven my history withal. I regarded this

most amiable of provinces, in the light of an unhappy maiden, to whom Heaven had not granted sufficient

charms, to excite the diabolical attempts of wicked man; who had no cruel father to persecute and op press

her, no abominable ravisher to run away with her, and who had not strength nor courage enough, of her own

accord, to act the heroine, and go in "quest of adventures" in short, who was doomed to vege tate, in a

tranquil, unmolested, hopeless, howling state of virginity, and finally to die in peace, with out bequeathing a

single misery, or outrage, to those warehouses of sentimental woe, the circulat ing libraries.

But thanks to my better stars, they have decreed otherwise. It is with some communities, as it is with certain

meddlesome individuals, they have a wonderful facility at getting into scrapes, and I have always remarked,

that those are most liable to get in, who have the least talent at getting out again. This is doubtless occasioned

by the excessive valour of those little states; for I have likewise noticed, that this rampant and ungovernable

virtue, is always most unruly where most confined; which accounts for its raging and vapouring so amazingly

in little states, little men, and ugly little women more espe cially. Thus this little province of Nieuw Neder

landts has already drawn upon itself a host of enemies; has had as many hard knocks, as would gratify the

ambition of the most warlike nation; and is in sober sadness, a very forlorn, distressed, and woe begone little

province! all which was no doubt kindly ordered by providence, to give interest and sublimity, to this

But I forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful maraudings and harrassments, that for a long while after the

victory on the Delaware, continued to insult the dignity and disturb the repose of the Nederlanders. Never

shall the pen which has been gloriously wielded in the tremendous battle of Fort Christina, be drawn in

scurvy border broils and frontier skirmishings nor the historian who put to flight stout Risingh and his

host, and con quered all New Sweden, be doomed to battle it in defence of a pig stye or a hen roost, and

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

wage ignoble strife with squatters and moss troopers! Forbid it all ye muses, that a Knickerbocker should

Suffice it then in brevity to say, that the impla cable hostility of the people of the east, which had so

miraculously been prevented from breaking out, as my readers must remember, by the sudden pre valence

of witchcraft, and the dissensions in the council of Amphyctions, now again displayed itself in a thousand

Scarcely a month passed but what the little dutch settlements on the frontiers were alarmed by the sudden

appearance of an invading army from Connecticut. This would advance resolutely through the country, like a

puissant caravan of the deserts, the women and children mounted in carts loaded with pots and kettles, as

though they meant to boil the honest dutchmen alive, and devour them like so many lobsters. At the tail of

these carts would stalk a crew of long limbed, lank sided varlets, with axes on their shoulders and packs on

their backs, resolutely bent upon improving the country in des pite of its proprietors. These settling

themselves down, would in a little while completely dislodge the unfortunate Nederlanders; elbowing them

out of those rich little bottoms and fertile valleys, in which your dutch yeomanry are so famous for nestling

themselves For it is notorious that where ver these shrewd men of the east get a footing, the honest

dutchmen do gradually disappear, retiring slowly like the Indians before the whites; being totally discomfited

by the talking, chaffering, swap ping, bargaining disposition of their new neighbours.

All these audacious infringements on the terri tories of their high mightinesses were accompanied, as has

before been hinted, by a world of rascally brawls, ribroastings and bundlings, which would doubtlessly have

incensed the valiant Peter to wreak immediate chastisement, had he not at the very same time been perplexed

by distressing accounts, from Mynheer Beckman, who commanded the territories at South river.

The rebellious Swedes who had so graciously been suffered to remain about the Delaware, alrea dy began to

shew signs of mutiny and disaffection. But what was worse, a peremptory claim was laid to the whole

territory, as the rightful property of lord Baltimore, by Fendal, a chieftain who ruled over the colony of

Maryland, or Merryland as it was anciently called, because that the inhabitants not having the fear of the

Lord before their eyes, were notoriously prone to get fuddled and make merry with mint julep and apple

toddy. Nay, so hostile was this bully Fendal, that he threatened, unless his claim was instantly complied with,

to march incontinently at the head of a potent force of the roaring boys of Merryland, together with a great

and mighty train of giants who infested the banks of the Susquehanna16 and to lay waste and depopulate

By this it is manifest that this boasted colony, like all great acquisitions of territory, soon became a greater

evil to the conqueror, than the loss of it was to the conquered, and caused greater uneasi ness and trouble,

than all the territory of the New Netherlands besides. Thus providence wisely or ders, that one evil shall

balance another. The con queror who wrests the property of his neighbour, who wrongs a nation and

desolates a country, though he may acquire increase of empire, and im mortal fame, yet ensures his own

inevitable punish ment. He takes to himself a cause of endless anx iety he incorporates with his late

sound domain, a loose part a rotten disaffected member; which is an exhaustless source of internal treason

and dis union, and external altercation and hostility Hap py is that nation, which compact, united, loyal

in all its parts, and concentrated in its strength, seeks no idle acquisition of unprofitable and ungovernable

territory which, content to be prosperous and happy, has no ambition to be great. It is like a man well

organized in all his system, sound in health, and full of vigour; unincumbered by use less trappings, and

fixed in an unshaken attitude. But the nation, insatiable of territory, whose do mains are scattered, feebly

united, and weakly or ganized, is like a senseless miser sprawling among golden stores, open to every

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At the time of receiving the alarming dispatches from South river, the great Peter was busily em ployed in

quelling certain Indian troubles that had broken out about Esopus, and was moreover me ditating how to

relieve his eastern borders, on the Connecticut. He however sent word so Mynheer Beckman to be of good

heart, to maintain incessant vigilance, and to let him know if matters wore a more threatening appearance; in

which case he would incontinently repair with his warriors of the Hudson, to spoil the merriment of these

Merry landers; for he coveted exceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some half a score of these

giants having never encountered a giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the stout Risingh, and he

Nothing however appeared further to molest the tranquillity of Mynheer Beckman and his colony. Fendal and

his Myrmidons remained at home, carousing it soundly upon hoe cakes, bacon, and mint julep, and running

horses, and fighting cocks, for which they were greatly renowned. At hearing of this Peter Stuyvesant was

highly re joiced, for notwithstanding his inclination to mea sure weapons with these monstrous men of the

Susquehanna, yet he had already as much employ ment nearer home, as he could turn his hands to. Little did

he think, worthy soul, that this southern calm, was but the deceitful prelude to a most terri ble and fatal

storm, then brewing, which was soon to burst forth and overwhelm the unsuspecting city of New Amsterdam!

Now so it was, that while this excellent gover nor was, like a second Cato, giving his little senate laws, and

not only giving them, but enforcing them too while he was incessantly travelling the rounds of his beloved

province posting from place to place to redress grievances, and while busy at one corner of his dominions

all the rest getting into an uproar At this very time, I say, a dark and dire ful plot was hatching against

him, in that nursery of monstrous projects, the British Cabinet. The news of his atchievements on the

Delaware, ac cording to a sage old historian of New Amsterdam, had occasioned not a little talk and marvel

in the courts of Europe. And the same profound writer assures us that the cabinet of England began to

entertain great jealousy and uneasiness at the encreasing power of the Manhattoes, and the va lour of its

Agents we are told, were at work from the Amphyctionic council of the East, earnestly urg ing the cabinet

to assist them in subjugating this fierce and terrible little province, and that sagacious cabinet, which ever

likes to be dabbling in dirty water, had already began to lend an ear to their importunities. Just at this time

Lord Baltimore, whose bullying agent, as has before been mention ed, had so alarmed Mynheer Beckman,

laid his claim before the cabinet to the lands of South river, which he complained were unjustly and forcibly

At this it is said his majesty Charles II, who though Defender of the Faith, was an arrant, lounging,

rakehelly roystering wag of a Prince, settled the whole matter by a dash of the pen, by which he made a

present of a large tract of North America, including the province of New Nether lands, to his brother the

duke of York a donation truly loyal, since none but great monarchs have a right to give away, what does

That this munificent gift might not be merely nominal, his majesty on the 12th of March 1664, ordered that a

gallant armament should be forth with prepared, to invade the city of New Amster dam by land and water,

Thus critically are situated the affairs of the New Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so far from thinking of

the jeopardy in which their in terests are placed, are soberly smoking their pipes and thinking of nothing at

all the privy councillors of the province, are at this moment snoring in full quorum, like the drones of five

hundred bagpipes, while the active Peter, who takes all the labour of thinking and acting upon himself, is

busily devising some method of bringing the grand council of Amphyctions to terms. In the mean while an

angry cloud is darkly scowling on the horizon soon shall it rattle about the ears of these dozing

Nederlanders and put the mettle of their stout hearted governor completely to the trial.

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But come what may, I here pledge my veracity, that in all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, he shall

still acquit himself with the gallant bearing and spotless honour of a noble minded obstinate old cavalier

Forward then to the charge! shine out propitious stars on the renowned city of the Manhattoes; and may

[16] We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these strange people (who were doubtless the ancestors

of the present Maryland ers made by master Hariot, in his interesting history. "The Susquesahanocks"

observes he, "are a giantly people, strange in proportion, behavour and attire their voice sounding from

them as if out a cave. Their tobacco pipes were three quarters of a yard long, carved at the great end with a

bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the braines of a horse, (and how many asses braines are

beaten out, or rather men's braines smoaked out and asses brains haled in, by our lesser pipes at home.) The

calfe of one of their legges was measured three quarters of a yard about, the rest of his limbs proportionable.

Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the east Coun try, shewing that though an old bird, he did not

Great nations resemble great men in this par ticular, that their greatness is seldom known, until they get in

trouble; adversity has therefore, been wisely denominated the ordeal of true greatness, which like gold, can

never receive its real estima tion until it has passed through the furnace. In proportion therefore as a nation,

a community or an individual (possessing the inherent quality of greatness) is involved in perils and

misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in grandeur and even when sinking under calamity, like a house on

fire, makes a more glorious display, than ever it did, in the fairest period of its prosperity.

The vast empire of China, though teeming with population and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of

nations, has vegetated through a succes sion of drowsy ages; and were it not for its inter nal revolution,

and the subversion of its ancient government by the Tartars, might have presented nothing but an

uninteresting detail of dull, mono tonous prosperity. Pompeia and Herculaneum might have passed into

oblivion, with a herd of their contemporaries, had they not been fortunate ly overwhelmed by a volcano.

The renowned city of Troy has acquired celebrity only from its ten years distress, and final conflagration

Paris rises in importance, by the plots and massacres, which have ended in the exaltation of the illustrious

Napo leon and even the mighty London itself, has skulked through the records of time, celebrated for

nothing of moment, excepting the Plague, the great fire and Guy Faux's gunpowder plot! Thus cities and

empires seem to creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity under the pen of the historian, until at length they

burst forth in some tremendous cala mity and snatch as it were, immortality from the explosion!

The above principle being plainly advanced, strikingly illustrated, and readily admitted, my rea der will

need but little discernment to perceive, that the city of New Amsterdam and its depend ent province, are on

the high road to greatness. Dangers and hostilities threaten them from every side, and it is really a matter of

astonishment to me, how so small a state, has been able in so short a time, to entangle itself in so many

difficulties. Ever since the province was first taken by the nose, at the fort of Good Hope, in the tranquil days

of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradual ly encreasing in historic importance; and never could it have had

a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to the pinnacle of grandeur, than Peter Stuyvesant.

He was an iron headed old veteran, in whose fiery heart sat enthroned all those five kinds of courage

described by Aristotle, and had the phi losopher mentioned five hundred more to the back of them, I verily

believe, he would have been found master of them all The only misfortune was, that he was deficient in

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the better part of valour called discretion, a cold blooded virtue which could not exist in the tropical climate

of his mighty soul. Hence it was he was continually hurrying into those unheard of enterprises that gave an

air of chivalric romance to al his history, and hence it was that he now conceived a project, the very thought

This was no other than to repair in person to the mighty council of the Amphyctions, bearing the sword in

one hand and the olive branch in the other to require immediate reparation for the innumerable violations

of that treaty which in an evil hour he had formed to put a stop to those repeated maraudings on the

eastern borders or else to throw his gauntlet and appeal to arms for satisfaction.

On declaring this resolution in his privy council, the venerable members were seized with vast aston

ishment, for once in their lives they ventured to remonstrate, setting forth the rashness of exposing his sacred

person, in the midst of a strange and barbarous people, with sundry other weighty re monstrances all

which had about as much influence upon the determination of the headstrong Peter, as though you were to

Summoning therefore to his presence, his trusty follower Antony Van Corlear, he commanded him to hold

himself in readiness to accompany him the following morning, on this his hazardous enterprise. Now Antony

the trumpeter was a little stricken in years, yet by dint of keeping up a good heart, and having never known

care or sorrow (having never been married) he was still a hearty, jocund rubicond, gamesome wag, and of

great capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook,

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted Antony, than this command of the great Peter, for he

could have followed the stout hearted old governor to the world's end, with love and loy alty and he

moreover still remembered the frolick ing and dancing and bundling, and other disports of the east country,

and entertained dainty recol lection of numerous kind and buxom lasses, whom he longed exceedingly again

Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the

most perilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of Knight errantry. For a single warrior to venture

openly among a whole nation of foes; but above all, for a plain downright dutchman to think of negociating

with the whole council of New England never was there known a more desperate undertaking! Ever

since I have entered upon the chronicles of this peerless but hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, has he kept me in

a state of incessant action and anxiety with the toils and dangers he is constantly encountering Oh! for a

chapter of the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I might repose on it as on a feather bed!

Is it not enough Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once already rescued thee from the machinations of these

terrible Amphyctions, by bringing the whole powers of witchcraft to thine aid? Is it not enough, that I

have followed thee undaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid battle of Fort Christina?

That I have been put incessant ly to my trumps to keep thee safe and sound now warding off with my

single pen the shower of dastard blows that fell upon thy rear now nar rowly shielding thee from a

deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco box now casing thy dauntless scull with adamant, when even thy

stubborn ram beaver failed to resist the sword of the stout Risingh and now, not merely bringing thee off

alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone

pottle? Is not all this enough, but must thou still be plunging into new difficulties and jeopardizing in

But all this is empty talk. What influence can I expect to have, when even his councillors, who never before

attempted to advise him in their lives, have spoken to no effect. All that remains is quietly to take up my pen,

as did Antony his trumpet, and faithfully follow at his heels and I swear that, like the latter, so truly do I

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

love the hairbrained valour of this fierce old Cavalier, that I feel as if I could follow him through the world,

even though (which Heaven forefend) he should lead me through another volume of adventures.

And now the ruddy faced Aurora, like a buxom chambermaid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night,

and out bounces from his bed the jolly red haired Phoebus, startled at being caught so late in the embraces of

Dame Thetis. With many a stable oath, he harnesses his brazen footed steeds, and whips and lashes, and

splashes up the firmament, like a loitering post boy, half an hour behind his time. And now behold that imp

of fame and prowess the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw boned, switch tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in

full regimentals, and bracing on his thigh that trusty brass hilted sword, which had wrought such fearful deeds

Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter Van Corlear, mounted on a broken winded, wall eyed, calico

mare; his sturdy stone pottle which had laid low the mighty Risingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet

displayed vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on which is emblazoned the great

beaver of the Manhat toes. See them proudly issuing out of the city gate, like an iron clad hero of yore, with

his faith ful squire at his heels, the populace following them with their eyes, and shouting many a parting

wish, and hearty cheering. Farewel, Hardkoppig Piet! Farewel honest Antony! Pleasant be your way

faring prosperous your return! The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the worthiest trum peter

Legends are lamentably silent about the events that befel our adventurers, in this their adventurous travel,

excepting the Stuyvesant Manuscript, which gives the substance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on

the occasion by Domine �gidius Luyck,17 who appears to have been the poetlaureat of New Amsterdam.

This inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was a rare spectacle to behold the great Peter and his loyal

follower, hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear countenance of nature, as they pranced it through

the pastoral scenes of Bloemen Dael; which in those days was a sweet and rural valley, beautified with many

a bright wild flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and enlivened here and there by a delec table little

dutch cottage, sheltered under some gently swelling hill, and almost buried in embowering trees.

Now did they enter upon the confines of Con necticut, where they encountered many grievous difficulties

and perils. At one place they were as sailed by some half a score of country squires and militia colonels,

who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, harassing them exceedingly with

guesses and questions, more espe cially the worthy Peter, whose silver chas'd leg ex cited not a little

marvel. At another place hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they were set upon by a great and mighty

legion of church dea cons, who imperiously demanded of them five shil lings, for travelling on Sunday,

and threatened to carry them captive to a neighbouring church whose steeple peer'd above the trees; but these

the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, insomuch that they bestrode their canes and gallopped off in

horrible confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the hurry of their flight. But not so easily did he

escape from the hands of a crafty man of Py quag; who with undaunted perseverance, and re peated onsets,

fairly bargained him out of his good ly switchtailed charger, leaving in place thereof a villainous,

But maugre all these hardships, they pursued their journey cheerily, along the course of the soft flowing

Connecticut, whose gentle waves, says the song, roll through many a fertile vale, and sunny plain; now

reflecting the lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties of the humble hamlet; now echoing

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Antony to

sound a courteous salutation; though the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants were thrown into great

dismay, when they heard of his approach. For the fame of his incomparable at chievements on the

Delaware, had spread through out the East country, and they dreaded lest he had come to take vengeance on

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But the good Peter rode through these towns with a smiling aspect; waving his hand with inex pressible

majesty and condescension; for he verily be lieved that the old clothes which these ingenious peo ple had

thrust into their broken windows, and the festoons of dried apples and peaches which orna mented the fronts

of their houses, were so many decorations in honour of his approach; as it was the custom in days of chivalry,

to compliment re nowned heroes, by sumptuous displays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The women

crowded to the doors to gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prowess in arms, delight the gentle sex.

The little children too ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at his regimentals, his brimstone breeches,

and the silver garniture of his wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which many strapping wenches

betrayed, at beholding the jovial Van Corlear, who had whilome delighted them so much with his trumpet,

when he bore the great Peter's challenge to the Amphyctions. The kind hearted Antony alighted from his

calico mare, and kissed them all with infinite loving kindness and was right pleased to see a crew of little

trumpeters crowding around him for his blessing; each of whom he patted on the head, bade him be a good

The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little further mention of the governor's adventures upon this

expedition, excepting that he was received with extravagant courtesy and respect by the great council of the

Amphyctions, who almost talked him to death with complimentary and congratulatory harangues. Of his

negociations with the grand council I shall say nothing, as there are more im portant matters which call for

the attention of my self, my readers, and Peter Stuyvesant. Suffice it to mention, it was like all other

negociations a great deal was said, and very little done: one con versation led to another one

conference begat misunderstandings which it took a dozen confer ences to explain; at the end of which the

parties found themselves just where they were at first; excepting that they had entangled themselves in a host

of questions of etiquette, and conceived a cor dial distrust of each other that rendered their future

In the midst of all these perplexities, which bewildered the brain and incensed the ire of the sturdy Peter, who

was of all men in the world, per haps, the least fitted for diplomatic wiles, he private ly received the first

intimation of the dark con spiracy which had been matured in the Cabinet of England. To this was added the

astounding in telligence that a hostile squadron had already sailed from England, destined to reduce the

province of New Netherlands, and that the grand council of Amphyctions had engaged to cooperate, by

Unfortunate Peter! did I not enter with sad forebodings upon this ill starred expedition! did I not tremble

when I saw thee, with no other coun cillor but thine own head, with no other armour but an honest tongue, a

spotless conscience and a rusty sword! with no other protector but St. Nicholas and no other attendant but

a brokenwinded trum peter Did I not tremble when I beheld thee thus sally forth, to contend with all the

Oh how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in the

hunter's toil. Now did he determine to draw his trusty sword, and manfully to fight his way through all the

countries of the east. Now did he resolve to break in upon the council of the Amphyctions and put every

mother's son of them to death. At length, as his direful wrath subsid ed, he resorted to safer though less

Concealing from the council his knowledge of their machinations, he privately dispatched a trusty messenger,

with missives to his councillors at New Amsterdam, apprizing them of the impending dan ger, commanding

them immediately to put the city in a posture of defence, while in the mean time he endeavoured to elude his

enemies and come to their assistance. This done he felt himself mar vellously relieved, rose slowly, shook

himself like a rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den, in much the same manner as giant Despair is

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

described to have issued from Doubting castle, in the chivalric history of the Pilgrim's Progress.

And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the gallant Peter in this perilous jeopardy: but it behoves

us to hurry back and see what is going on at New Amsterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is already in a

turmoil. Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant, while doing one thing with heart and soul, he was too apt

to leave every thing else at sixes and sevens. While, like a po tentate of yore, he was absent attending to

those things in person, which in modern days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, his little territory at

home was sure to get in an uproar All which was owing to that uncommon strength of intellect, which

induced him to trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired him the renowned appellation of Peter

[17] This Luyck, was moreover, rector of the Latin school in Nieuw Nederlandt, 1663. There are two pieces

of verses to �gidius Luyck in D. Selyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage with Judith Van Isendoorn. Old

[18] For certain of the particulars of this ancient negociation see Haz. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith

is entirely silent with respect to the memorable expedition of Peter Stuyvesant above treated of by Mr.

How the people of New Amsterdam, were thrown into a great panic, by the news of a threatened invasion,

There is no sight more truly interesting to a philosopher, than to contemplate a community, where every

individual has a voice in public affairs, where every individual thinks himself the atlas of the nation, and

where every individual thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good of his country I say, there is

nothing more interesting to a philo sopher, than to see such a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such a

clamour of tongues such a bawling of patriotism such running hither and thither every body in a

hurry every body up to the ears in trouble every body in the way, and every body interrupting his

industrious neighbour who is busily employed in doing nothing! It is like wit nessing a great fire, where

every man is at work like a hero some dragging about empty engines others scampering with full

buckets, and spilling the contents into the boots of their neighbours and others ringing the church bells all

night, by way of putting out the fire. Little firemen like sturdy little knights storming a breach, clambering

up and down scaling ladders, and bawling through tin trumpets, by way of directing the attack. Here one

busy fellow, in his great zeal to save the pro perty of the unfortunate, catches up an anonymous chamber

utensil, and gallants it off with an air of as much self importance, as if he had rescued a pot of money

another throws looking glasses and china, out of the window, by way of saving them from the flames, while

those who can do nothing else, to assist in the great calamity run up and down the streets with open throats,

"When the news arrived at Corinth," says the grave and profound Lucian though I own the story is rather

trite, "that Philip was about to at tack them, the inhabitants were thrown into violent alarm. Some ran to

furbish up their arms; others rolled stones to build up the walls every body in short, was employed, and

every body was in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone, was the only man who could find nothing to do

whereupon determining not to be idle when the welfare of his country was at stake, he tucked up his robe,

and fell to rolling his tub with might and main, up and down the Gymnasium." In like manner did every

mother's son, in the patriotic community of New Amsterdam, on receiving the missives of Peter Stuyvesant,

busy himself most mightily in putting things in confusion, and assisting the general uproar. "Every man"

saith the Stuyvesant Manuscript "flew to arms!" by which is meant, that not one of our honest dutch

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citizens would venture to church or to market, without an old fashioned spit of a sword, dangling at his side,

and a long dutch fowling piece on his shoulder nor would he go out of a night without a lanthorn; nor turn

a corner, without first peeping cautiously round, lest he should come unawares upon a British army And

we are informed, that Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who was considered by the old women, almost as brave a man as

the governor himself actually had two one pound swivels mounted in his entry, one point ing out at the

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this aweful occasion, and one which has since been found of

wonderful efficacy, was to assemble popular meetings. These brawling convocations, I have already shewn,

were extremely obnoxious to Peter Stuyvesant, but as this was a moment of unusual agitation, and as the old

governor was not present to repress them, they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither therefore, the

orators and politi cians repaired, and there seemed to be a competition among them, who should bawl the

loudest, and exceed the other in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to uphold and defend the

govern ment. In these sage and all powerful meetings it was determined nem. con. that they were the most

enlightened, the most dignified, the most formidable and the most ancient community upon the face of the

earth and finding that this resolution was so universally and readily carried, another was im mediately

proposed whether it was not possible and politic to exterminate Great Britain? upon which sixty nine

members spoke most eloquently in the affirmative, and only one arose to suggest some doubts who as a

punishment for his treason able presumption, was immediately seized by the mob and tarred and feathered

which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, he was afterwards considered as an outcast

from society and his opinion went for nothing The question therefore, being unanimously carried in the

affirma tive, it was recommended to the grand council to pass it into a law; which was accordingly done

By this measure the hearts of the people at large were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed ex ceeding

choleric and valourous Indeed the first paroxysm of alarm having in some measure sub sided; the old

women having buried all the money they could lay their hands on; and their husbands daily getting fuddled

with what was left the com munity began even to stand on the offensive. Songs were manufactured in

low dutch and sung about the streets, wherein the English were most woefully beaten, and shewn no quarter,

and popular addresses were made, wherein it was proved to a certainty, that the fate of old England depended

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of Great Britain, a grand caucus of the wiser inhabitants

assembled; and having purchased all the British manufactures they could find, they made thereof a huge

bonfire and in the patriotic glow of the moment, every man present, who had a hat or breeches of English

workmanship, pulled it off and threw it most undauntedly into the flames to the irreparable detriment, loss

and ruin of the English manufacturers. In commemoration of this great exploit, they erected a pole on the

spot, with a device on the top intended to represent the province of Nieuw Nederlandts destroying Great

Britain, under the similitude of an Eagle picking the little Island of Old England out of the globe; but either

through the unskillfulness of the sculptor, or his ill timed waggery, it bore a striking resem blance to a

Shewing how the grand Council of the New Nether lands came to be miraculously gifted with long tongues.

It will need but very little witchcraft on the part of my enlightened reader particularly if he is in any wise

acquainted with the ways and habits of that most potent and blustering monarch, the sove reign people to

discover, that notwithstanding all the incredible bustle and talk of war that stunned him in the last chapter, the

renowned city of New Amsterdam is in sad reality, not a whit better pre pared for defence than before. Now,

though the people, having got over the first alarm, and finding no enemy immediately at hand, had with that

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

va lour of tongue, for which your illustrious rabble is so famous, run into the opposite extreme, and by dint

of gallant vapouring and rodomontado had ac tually talked themselves into the opinion that they were the

bravest and most powerful people under the sun, yet were the privy councillors of Peter Stuyvesant somewhat

dubious on that point. They dreaded moreover lest that stern hero should re turn and find, that instead of

obeying his peremp tory orders, they had wasted their time in listening to the valiant hectorings of the mob,

To make up therefore as speedily as possible for lost time, a grand divan of the councillors and robustious

Burgomasters was convened, to talk over the critical state of the province and devise mea sures for its

safety. Two things were unanimous ly agreed upon in this venerable assembly: first, that the city required to

be put in a state of de fence and secondly, That as the danger was im minent, there should no time be

lost which points being settled, they immediately fell to making long speeches and belabouring one

another in endless and intemperate disputes. For about this time was this unhappy city first visited by that

talking endemic so universally prevalent in this country, and which so invariably evinces itself, wherever a

number of wise men assemble together; breaking out in long, windy speeches, caused, as physicians suppose,

by the foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. Now it was, moreover, that they first introduced the

ingenious method of measuring the merits of an harangue by the hourglass; he being considered the ablest

orator who spoke longest on a question For which excellent invention it is re corded, we are indebted to

the same profound dutch critic who judged of books by their bulk, and gave a prize medal to a stupendous

The reporters of the day, therefore, in publish ing the debates of the grand council, seem merely to have

noticed the length of time each member was on the floor and the only record I can find of the proceedings

in the important business of which we are treating, mentions, that "Mynheer made a very animated speech

of six hours and a half, in favour of fortification He was followed by Myn heer on the other side, who

spoke with great clearness and precision for about eight hours Mynheer suggested an amendment of

the bill by substituting in the eighth line, the words `four and twenty,' instead of `twenty four,' in support of

which he offered a few remarks, which only took up three hours and a quarter and was followed by

Mynheer Windroer in a most pithy, nervous, con cise, elegant, ironical, argumentative strain of elo quence,

superior to any thing which ever issued from the lips of a Cicero, a Demosthenes, or any orator, either of

antient or modern times he oc cupied the floor the whole of yesterday; this morn ing he arose in

continuation, and is in the middle of the second branch of his discourse, at this present writing; having

already carried the council through their second nap We regret," concludes this worthy reporter, "that the

irresistable propensity of our Stenographer to nod, will prevent us from giving the substance of this truly

This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little consonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of

our sage forefathers, is supposed by certain learned philosophers of the time, to have been imbibed, together

with divers other barbarous propensities, from their savage neighbours; who were peculiarly noted for their

long talks and council fires; and who would never undertake any affair of the least importance, without

previous debates and harangues among their chiefs and old men. But let its origin be what it may, it is

without doubt a cruel and distressing disease, which has never been eradicated from the body politic to this

day; but is continually breaking out, on all occa sions of great agitation, in alarming and obnoxious

flatulencies, whereby the said body politic is griev ously afflicted, as with a wind cholic.

Thus then did Madam Wisdom, (who for some unaccountable, but doubtlessly whimsical reason, the wits of

antiquity have represented under the form of a woman) seem to take a mischievous pleasure in jilting the

grave and venerable coun cillors of New Amsterdam. The old factions of Square heads and Platter

Breeches, which had been almost strangled by the herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprung up with

tenfold violence To complete the public confusion and bewilder ment, the fatal word Economy, which

one would have thought was dead and buried with William the Testy, was once more set afloat, like the apple

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

of discord, in the grand council of the New Neder landts according to which sound principle of policy, it

was deemed more expedient to throw away twenty thousand guilders upon an inefficient plan of defence,

than thirty thousand on a good and substantial one the province thus making a clear saving of ten

But when they came to discuss the mode of defence, then began a war of words that baffles all description.

The members being, as I observed, drawn out into opposite parties, were enabled to proceed with amazing

system and regularity in the discussion of the questions before them. Whatever was proposed by a Square

head, was opposed by the whole tribe of Platter breeches, who like true poli ticians, considered it their first

duty to effect the downfall of the Square heads their second, to ele vate themselves, and their third, to

consult the wel fare of the country. This at least was the creed of the most upright among the party, for as to

the great mass, they left the third consideration out of the question altogether.

In this great collision of hard heads, it is asto nishing the number of projects for defence, that were struck

out, not one of which had ever been heard of before, nor has been heard of since, unless it be in very modern

days projects that threw the windmill system of the ingenious Kieft com pletely in the back ground

Still, however, nothing could be decided on, for as fast as a formidable host of air castles were reared by one

party, they were demolished by the other the simple populace stood gazing in anxious expectation of the

mighty egg, that was to be hatched, with all this cackling, but they gazed in vain, for it appeared that the

grand council was determined to protect the pro vince as did the noble and gigantic Pantagruel his army

Indeed there was a magnanimous portion of the members, fat, self important old burghers, who smoked their

pipes and said nothing, excepting to negative every plan of defence that was offered. These were of that class

of wealthy old citizens who having amassed a fortune, button up their pockets, shut their mouths, look rich

and are good for nothing all the rest of their lives. Like some phlegmetic oyster, which having swallowed a

pearl, closes its shell, settles down in the mud and parts with its life sooner than its treasure. Every plan of

defence seemed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts,

preying upon the public property to fit out a naval armament was to throw their money into the sea to

build fortifications was to bury it in the dirt. In short they settled it as a sovereign maxim, so long as their

pockets were full, no mat ter how much they were drubbed A kick left no scar a broken head cured

itself but an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature did nothing for

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages, lavish away that time which the urgency of affairs rendered

invaluable, in empty brawls and long winded arguments, without even agreeing, except on the point with

which they started, namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was ruin ous. At length St. Nicholas,

taking compassion on their distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them from total anarchy, so ordered,

that in the midst of one of their most noisy and patriotic de bates, when they had nearly fallen to

loggerheads in consequence of not being able to convince each other, the question was happily settled by a

mes senger, who bounced into the chamber and inform ed them, that the hostile fleet had arrived, and was

Thus was all further necessity of either fortify ing or disputing completely obviated, and thus was the grand

council saved a world of words, and the province a world of expense a most absolute and glorious triumph

In which the troubles of New Amsterdam appear to thicken Shewing the bravery in time of peril, of a

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Like a ward committee of politic cats, who, when engaged in clamorous gibberings, and catter waulings,

eyeing one another with hideous grima ces, spitting in each other's faces, and on the point of breaking forth

into a general clapperclawing, are suddenly put to scampering rout and confusion by the startling

appearance of a housedog So was the no less vociferous council of New Amsterdam, amazed,

astounded, and totally dispersed, by the sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member made the best of his way

home, waddling along as fast as his short legs could fag under their heavy burthen, and wheezing as he went

with corpulency and ter ror. When he arrived at his castle, he barricadoed the street door, and buried himself

in the cider cel lar, without daring to peep out, lest he should have his head carried off by a cannon ball.

The sovereign people all crowded into the mar ket place, herding together with the instinct of sheep who

seek for safety in each others company, when the shepherd and his dog are absent and the wolf is prowling

round the fold. Far from finding relief however, they only encreased each others terrors. Each man looked

ruefully in his neighbour's face, in search of encouragement, but only found in its woe begone lineaments, a

confirmation of his own dis may. Not a word now was to be heard of conquer ing Great Britain, not a

whisper about the so vereign virtues of economy while the old women heightened the general gloom by

clamorously be wailing their fate, and incessantly calling for protec tion on St. Nicholas and Peter

Oh how did they bewail the absence of the lion hearted Peter! and how did they long for the com forting

presence of Antony Van Corlear! Indeed a gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate of these adventurous

heroes. Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message from the governor, without bringing any

further tidings of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hazarded as to what had befallen him and his loyal

squire. Had they not been devoured alive by the Cannibals of Pisca taway and Cape Cod? where they not

put to the question by the great council of Amphyctions? where they not smothered in onions by the

terrible men of Pyquag? In the midst of this consterna tion and perplexity, when horror like a mighty

nightmare sat brooding upon the little, fat, pletho ric city of New Amsterdam, the ears of the multi tude

were suddenly startled by a strange and dis tant sound it approached it grew louder and louder and

now it resounded at the city gate. The public could not be mistaken in the well known sound A shout of

joy burst from their lips as the gallant Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, came

The first transports of the populace having sub sided, they gathered round the honest Antony, as he

dismounted from his horse, overwhelming him with greetings and congratulations. In breathless accents he

related to them the marvellous adven tures through which the old governor and himself had gone, in making

their escape from the clutches of the terrible Amphyctions. But though the Stuyvesant Manuscript, with its

customary minute ness where any thing touching the great Peter is concerned, is very particular, as to the

incidents of this masterly retreat, yet the critical state of the public affairs, will not allow me to indulge in a

full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say, that while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving in his mind, how

he could make good his escape with honour and dignity, certain of the ships sent out for the conquest of the

Manhattoes touched at the Eastern ports, to obtain needful supplies, and to call on the grand council of the

league, for its promised cooperation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, perceiving that a moment's

delay was fatal, made a secret and precipitate decampment, though much did it grieve his lofty soul, to be

obliged to turn his back even upon a nation of foes. Many hairbreadth scapes and divers perilous mishaps,

did they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of trumpet, through the fair regions of the east. Already was

the country in an uproar with hostile preparation and they were obliged to take a large circuit in their

flight, lurking along, through the woody mountains of the Devil's back bone; from whence the valiant Peter

sallied forth one day, like a lion, and put to route a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three generations

of a prolific family, who were already on their way to take possession of some corner of the New

Netherlands. Nay, the faithful Antony had great difficulty at sundry times, to prevent him in the excess of his

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

wrath, from descending down from the mountains, and falling sword in hand, upon certain of the border

The first movements of the governor on reach ing his dwelling, was to mount the roof, from whence he

contemplated with rueful aspect the hos tile squadron. This had already come to anchor in the bay, and

consisted of two stout frigates, having on board, as John Josselyn, gent. informs us, three hundred valiant red

coats. Having taken this survey, he sat himself down, and wrote an epistle to the commander, demanding the

reason of his anchoring in the harbour without obtaining previous permission so to do. This letter was

couched in the most dignified and courteous terms, though I have it from undoubted authority, that his teeth

were clinched, and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon his visage, all the while he wrote. Having dispatched his

letter, the grim Peter stumped to and fro about the town, with a most warbetokening countenance, his hands

thrust into his breeches pockets, and whistling a low dutch psalm tune, which bore no small resemblance to

the music of a north east wind, when a storm is brewing the very dogs as they eyed him skulked away in

dismay while all the old and ugly women of New Amsterdam, ran howling at his heels, im ploring him

The reply of Col. Nichols, who commanded the invaders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with the

letter of the governor declaring the right and title of his British Majesty to the province; where he affirmed

the dutch to be mere interlopers; and demanding that the town, forts, should be forthwith rendered into his

majesty's obedience and protection promising at the same time, life, liberty, estate and free trade, to every

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with some such harmony of aspect as we may sup pose a

crusty farmer, who has long been fattening upon his neighbour's soil, reads the loving letter of John Stiles,

that warns him of an action of eject ment. The old governor however, was not to be taken by surprize, but

thrusting, according to cus tom, a huge quid of tobacco into his cheek, and cramming the summons into his

breeches pocket, promised to answer it the next morning. In the mean time he called a general council of war

of his privy councillors and Burgomasters, not for the purpose of asking their advice, for that, as has been

already shewn, he valued not a rush; but to make known unto them his sovereign determination, and require

Before, however, he convened his council he re solved upon three important points; first, never to give up

the city without a little hard fighting, for he deemed it highly derogatory to the dignity of so re nowned a

city, to suffer itself to be captured and strip ped, without receiving a few kicks into the bargain. Secondly,

that the majority of his grand council were a crew of arrant platter breeches, utterly des titute of true bottom

and thirdly that he would not therefore suffer them to see the summons of Col. Nichols, lest the easy

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous sight to behold the late valiant Burgomas ters, who had

demolished the whole British empire in their harangues; peeping ruefully out of their nests, and then crawling

cautiously forth, dodging through narrow lanes and alleys; starting at every little dog that barked, as if it had

been a discharge of artillery mistaking lamp posts for British grena diers, and in the excess of their

panic, metamor phosing pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling blunderbusses at their bosoms! Having

however, in despite of numerous perils and difficulties of the kind, arrived safe, without the loss of a single

man, at the hall of assembly, they took their seats and awaited in fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In

a few moments the wooden leg of the intrepid Peter, was heard in regular and stouthearted thumps upon the

stair case He entered the cahm ber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals, a more than ordinary quantity of

flour shook into his ear locks, and carrying his trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but tucked under his

arm. As the go vernor never equipped himself in this portentous manner, unless something of martial nature

was working within his fearless pericranium, his council regarded him ruefully as a very Janus bearing fire

and sword in his iron countenance and forgot to light their pipes in breathless suspence.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

The great Peter was as eloquent as he was valorous indeed these two rare qualities seem ed to go hand in

hand in his composition; and, un like most great statesmen, whose victories are only confined to the

bloodless field of argument, he was always ready to enforce his hardy words, by no less hardy deeds. Like

another Gustavus ad dressing his Dalecarlians, he touched upon the perils and hardships he had sustained in

escaping from his inexorable foes He next reproached the council for wasting in idle debate and

impertinent personalities that time which should have been devoted to their country he then recalled the

golden days of former prosperity, which were only to be regained by manfully withstanding their enemies

endeavoured to rouse their martial fire, by reminding them of the time, when, before the frowning walls of

fort Christina, he led them on to victory when they had subdued a whole army of fifty Swedes and

subjugated an immense extent of uninhabited territory. He strove likewise to awaken their confidence, by

assuring them of the protection of St. Nicholas; who had hitherto maintained them in safety; amid all the

savages of the wilderness, the witches and squatters of the east, and the giants of Merry land. Finally he

informed them of the insolent summons he had received, to surrender, but concluded by swearing to defend

the province as long as heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to stand upon. Which noble sentence

he emphasized by a tremen dous thwack with the broad side of his sword upon the table, that totally

The privy councillors, who had long been ac customed to the governor's way, and in fact had been brought

into as perfect dicipline, as were ever the soldiers of the great Frederick; saw that there was no use in saying a

word so lighted their pipes and smoked away in silence, like fat and discreet councillors. But the

Burgomasters being less un der the governor's controul considering them selves as representatives of

the sovereign people, and being moreover inflated with considerable im portance and selfsufficiency,

which they had ac quired at those notable schools of wisdom and mo rality, the popular meetings;

(whereof in fact I am told certain of them had been chairmen) these I say, were not so easily satisfied.

Mustering up fresh spirit, when they found there was some chance of escaping from their present perilous

jeo pardy, without the disagreeable alternative of fight ing, they arrogantly requested a copy of the sum

So insolent and mutinous a request would have been enough to have roused the gorge of the tran quil Van

Twiller himself what then must have been its effect upon the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a

Dutchman, a Governor, and a valiant wooden legged soldier to boot, but withal a man of the most stomachful

and gunpowder disposition. He burst forth into a blaze of heroical indignation, to which the famous rage of

Achilles was a mere pouting fit swore not a mother's son of them should see a syllable of it that they

deserved, every one of them, to be hung, drawn and quarter ed, for traitorously daring to question the

infalli bility of government that as to their advice or concurrence, he did not care a whiff of tobacco for

either that he had long been harrassed and thwart ed by their cowardly councils; but that they might

henceforth go home, and go to bed like old women; for he was determined to defend the colony him self,

without the assistance of them or their adhe rents! So saying he tucked his sword under his arm, cocked his

hat upon his head, and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the coun cil chamber every body

No sooner had he gone than the sturdy Burgo masters called a public meeting in front of the Stadthouse,

where they appointed as chairman one Dofue Roerback, a mighty gingerbread baker in the land, and formerly

of the cabinet of William the Testy. He was looked up to, with great reverence by the populace, who

considered him a man of dark knowledge, seeing he was the first that im printed new year cakes with the

mysterious hiero glyphics of the Cock and Breeches, and such like magical devices.

This great Burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill will against the valiant Stuyvesant, in con sequence

of having been ignominiously kicked out of his cabinet addressed the greasy multitude in an exceeding

longwinded speech, in which he in formed them of the courteous summons to surren der of the

governor's refusal to comply therewith of his denying the public a sight of the summons, which he had no

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doubt, from the well known libe rality, humanity, and forbearance, of the British na tion, contained

He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in high sounding terms, suitable to the dignity and grandeur of

his station, comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and other great men of yore, of whom he had often heard

William the Testy discourse in his learned moods Assuring the people, that the his tory of the world did

not contain a despotic outrage to equal the present, for atrocity, cruelty, tyranny, bloodthirstiness, battle,

murder, and sudden death that it would be recorded in letters of fire, on the bloodstained tablet of

history! that ages would roll back with sudden horror, when they came to view it! That the womb of time

(by the way your orators and writers take strange liberties with the womb of time, though some would fain

have us believe that time is an old gentleman) that the womb of time, pregnant as it was with direful hor

rors, would never produce a parallel enormity! that posterity would be struck dumb with petrifying

astonishment, and howl in unavailing indignation, over the records of irremediable barbarity! With a

variety of other heartrending, soul stirring tropes and figures, which I cannot enumerate Neither indeed

need I, for they were exactly the same that are used in all popular harangues and fourth of July orations at the

present day, and may be classed in rhetoric under the general title of Rigmarole.

The patriotic address of Burgomaster Roerback had a wonderful effect upon the populace, who, though a race

of sober phlegmatic Dutchmen, were amaz ing quick at discerning insults; for your ragged rabble, though it

may bear injuries without a mur mur, yet is always marvellously jealous of its so vereign dignity. They

immediately fell into the pangs of tumultuous labour, and brought forth, not only a string of right wise and

valiant resolutions, but likewise a most resolute memorial, addressed to the governor, remonstrating at his

conduct which he no sooner received than he handed it into the fire; and thus deprived posterity of an

invalu able document, that might have served as a prece dent to the enlightened coblers and taylors, of the

Containing a doleful disaster of Antony the Trum peter And how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second

Now did the high minded Pieter de Groodt, shower down a pannier load of benedictions upon his

Burgomasters, for a set of selfwilled, obstinate, headstrong varlets, who would neither be convinc ed nor

persuaded; and determined henceforth to have nothing more to do with them, but to consult merely the

opinion of his privy councillors, which he knew from experience to be the best in the world inasmuch as it

never differed from his own. Nor did he omit, now that his hand was in, to be stow some thousand

lefthanded compliments upon the sovereign people; whom he railed at for a herd of arrant poltroons, who

had no relish for the glori ous hardships and illustrious misadventures of bat tle but would rather stay at

home, and eat and sleep in ignoble ease, than gain immortality and a broken head, by valiantly fighting in a

Resolutely bent however upon defending his beloved city, in despite even of itself, he called unto him his

trusty Van Corlear, who was his right hand man in all times of emergency. Him did he ad jure to take his

war denouncing trumpet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the country, night and day Sounding the

alarm along the pastoral borders of the Bronx startling the wild solitudes of Croton, arousing the rugged

yeomanry of Wee hawk and Hoboken the mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay19 and the brave boys

of Tarry town and Sleepy hollow together with all the other warriors of the country round about; charging

them one and all, to sling their powder horns, shoulder their fowling pieces, and march merrily down to the

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Now there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex excepted, that Antony Van Corlear lov ed better than

errands of this kind. So just stop ping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to his side his junk bottle, well

charged with heart inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the city gate, that looked out upon what is at

present called Broad way; sounding as usual a farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes through the

winding streets of New Amsterdam Alas! never more were they to be gladdened by the melody of their

It was a dark and stormy night when the good Antony arrived at the famous creek (sagely de nominated

H�rlem river) which separates the island of Mannahata from the main land. The wind was high, the

elements were in an uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry the adven turous sounder of brass across

the water. For a short time he vapoured like an impatient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethinking himself

of the urgency of his errand, took a hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most valourously that he would

swim across, en spijt den Duyvel (in spite of the devil!) and daringly plunged into the stream. Luckless

Antony! scarce had he buffetted half way over, when he was observed to struggle most vio lently as if

battling with the spirit of the waters instinctively he put his trumpet to his mouth and giving a vehement

The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the ivory horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring in

the glorious field of Roncesvalles, rung far and wide through the country, alarming the neighbours round,

who hurried in amazement to the spot Here an old Dutch burgher, famed for his veracity, and who had

been a witness of the fact, related to them the melancholy affair; with the fearful addition (to which I am slow

of giving belief) that he saw the duyvel, in the shape of a huge Mossbonker with an invisible fiery tail, and

vomiting boiling water, seize the sturdy Antony by the leg, and drag him beneath the waves. Cer tain it is,

the place, with the adjoining promontory, which projects into the Hudson, has been called Spijt den duyvel,

or Spiking devil, ever since the restless ghost of the unfortunate Antony still haunts the surrounding

solitudes, and his trumpet has often been heard by the neighbours, of a stormy night, mingling with the

howling of the blast. No body ever attempts to swim over the creek after dark; on the contrary, a bridge has

been built to guard against such melancholy accidents in future and as to Mossbonkers, they are held in

such abhor rence, that no true Dutchman will admit them to his table, who loves good fish, and hates the

Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear a man deserving of a better fate. He lived roundly and soundly,

like a true and jolly batchelor, until the day of his death; but though he was never married, yet did he leave

behind some two or three dozen children, in different parts of the country fine, chubby, brawling, flatulent

little urchins, from whom, if legends speak true, (and they are not apt to lie) did descend the innumerable race

of editors, who people and defend this country, and who are bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a

con stant alarm and making them miserable. Would that they inherited the worth, as they do the wind, of

The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe im parted a severer pang to the bosom of Peter Stuy vesant, than

did even the invasion of his beloved Amsterdam. It came ruthlessly home to those sweet affections that grow

close around the heart, and are nourished by its warmest current. As some lorn pilgrim wandering in trackless

wastes, while the rude tempest whistles through his hoary locks, and dreary night is gathering around, sees

stretched cold and lifeless, his faithful dog the sole companion of his lonely journeying, who had shared

his solitary meal, who had so often licked his hand in humble gratitude, who had lain in his bosom, and been

unto him as a child So did the generous hearted hero of the Manhattoes contem plate the untimely end of

his faithful Antony. He had been the humble attendant of his footsteps he had cheered him in many a

heavy hour, by his honest gaiety, and had followed him in loyalty and affection, through many a scene of

direful peril and mishap he was gone forever and that too, at a moment when every mongrel cur

seemed skulking from his side This Peter Stuyvesant this was the moment to try thy magnanimity;

and this was the moment, when thou didst indeed shine forth Peter the Headstrong!

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The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the last stormy night; still all was dull and gloomy. The late

jovial Apollo hid his face behind lugu brious clouds, peeping out now and then, for an in stant, as if

anxious, yet fearful, to see what was going on, in his favourite city. This was the eventful morning, when the

great Peter was to give his reply, to the audacious summons of the invaders. Already was he closetted with

his privy council, sitting in grim state, brooding over the fate of his favourite trumpeter, and anon boiling

with indignation as the insolence of his recreant Burgomasters flashed upon his mind. While in this state of

irritation, a courier arrived in all haste from Winthrop, the subtle gover nor of Connecticut, councilling him

in the most affectionate and disinterested manner to surrender the province, and magnifying the dangers and

cala mities to which a refusal would subject him. What a moment was this to intrude officious advice

upon a man, who never took advice in his whole life! The fiery old governor strode up and down the

chamber, with a vehemence, that made the bosoms of his councillors to quake with awe railing at his

unlucky fate, that thus made him the constant butt of factious subjects, and jesuitical advisers.

Just at this ill chosen juncture, the officious Burgomasters, who were now completely on the watch, and had

got wind of the arrival of mysterious dispatches, came marching in a resolute body, into the room, with a

legion of Schepens and toadeaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. Thus to be

broken in upon by what he esteemed a "rascal rabble," and that too at the very moment he was grinding under

an irritation from abroad, was too much for the spleen of the choleric Peter. He tore the letter in a thousand

pieces20 threw it in the face of the nearest Burgomaster broke his pipe over the head of the next

hurled his spitting box at an unlucky Schepen, who was just making a masterly retreat out at the door, and

finally dissolved the whole meeting sine die, by kicking them down stairs with his wooden leg!

As soon as the Burgomasters could recover from the confusion into which their sudden exit had thrown them,

and had taken a little time to breathe, they protested against the conduct of the governor, which they did not

hesitate to pronounce tyrannical, unconstitutional, highly indecent, and somewhat disrespectful. They then

called a public meeting, where they read the protest, and ad dressing the assembly in a set speech related at

full length, and with appropriate colouring and ex aggeration, the despotic and vindictive deportment of the

governor; declaring that, for their own parts, they did not value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and mauled

by the timber toe of his excellency, but they felt for the dignity of the sovereign people, thus rudely insulted

by the outrage committed on the seats of honour of their representatives. The latter part of the harangue had a

violent effect upon the sensibility of the people, as it came home at once, to that delicacy of feeling and

jealous pride of character, vested in all true mobs: and there is no knowing to what act of resentment they

might have been provoked, against the redoubtable Hard koppig Piet had not the greasy rogues been

some what more afraid of their sturdy old governor, than they were of St. Nicholas, the English or the D

[19] A corruption of Toppaun; so called from a tribe of Indians which boasted 150 fighting men. See

Shewing how Peter Stuyvesant defended the city of New Amsterdam for several days, by dint of the strength

Pause, oh most considerate reader! and con template for a moment the sublime and melan choly scene,

which the present crisis of our his tory presents! An illustrious and venerable little town the metropolis

of an immense extent of flourishing but unenlightened, because uninhabit ed country Garrisoned by a

doughty host of orators, chairmen, committeemen, Burgomasters, Schepens and old women governed by

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

a de termined and strong headed warrior, and fortified by mud batteries, pallisadoes and resolutions.

blockaded by sea, beleaguered by land, and threat ened with direful desolation from without; while its very

vitals are torn, and griped, and be choliced with internal faction and commotion! Never did the historic pen

record a page of more complicated distress, unless it be the strife that distracted the Israelites during the siege

of Jeru salem where discordant parties were cutting each others throats, at the moment when the

victorious legions of Titus had toppled down their bulwarks, and were carrying fire and sword, into the very

Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as has been recorded, put his grand council to the rout, and thus

delivered himself from a multitude of impertinent advisers, dispatched a categorical re ply to the

commanders of the invading squadron; wherein he asserted the right and title of their High Mightinesses the

lords States general to the province of New Netherlands, and trusting in the righteousness of his cause, set the

whole British nation at defiance! My anxiety to extricate my readers, and myself, from these disastrous

scenes, prevents me from giving the whole of this most courteous and gallant letter which concluded in these

"As touching the threats in your conclusion, "we have nothing to answer, only that we fear "nothing but what

God, (who is as just as merci "ful) shall lay upon us; all things being in his "gracious disposal, and we may as

well be pre "served by him with small forces, as by a great "army; which makes us to wish you all happiness

"and prosperity, and recommend you to his pro "tection My lords your thrice humble and affec "tionate

Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the brave Hardkoppig Piet stuck a huge pair of horse pistols in

his belt, girded an immense powder horn on his side thrust his sound leg into a Hes sian boot, and

clapping his fierce little war hat on top of his head paraded up and down in front of his house, determined

While all these woeful struggles and dissensions were prevailing in the unhappy little city of New

Amsterdam, and while its worthy but ill starred governor was framing the above quoted letter, the English

commanders did not remain idle. They had agents secretly employed to foment the fears and clamours of the

populace, and moreover circu lated far and wide through the adjacent country a proclamation, repeating the

terms they had already held out in their summons to surrender, and be guiling the simple Nederlanders with

the most crafty and conciliating professions. They promis ed every man who voluntarily submitted to the

authority of his British majesty, that he should re tain peaceable possession of his house, his vrouw and his

cabbage garden. That he should be suf fered to smoke his pipe, speak dutch, wear as many breeches as he

pleased, and import bricks, tiles and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them on the spot

That he should on no account be compelled to learn the English language, or keep accounts in any other way

than by casting them up upon his fingers, and chalking them down upon the crown of his hat; as is still

observed among the dutch yeomanry at the present day. That every man should be allowed quietly to inherit

his father's hat, coat, shoebuckles, pipe, and every other personal appendage, and that no man should be

obliged to conform to any improve ments, inventions, or any other modern innova tions, but on the

contrary should be permitted to build his house, follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, and educate

his children, precisely as his ancestors did before him since time imme morial Finally, that he should

have all the bene fits of free trade, and should not be required to ac knowledge any other saint in the

calendar than saint Nicholas, who should thenceforward, as be fore, be considered the tutelar saint of the

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satisfactory to the people; who had a great disposition to

enjoy their property unmolested, and a most singular aversion to engage in a contest, where they could gain

little more than honour and broken heads the first of which they held in philo sophic indifference, the

latter in utter detestation. By these insidious means, therefore, did the En glish succeed in alienating the

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

confidence and affec tions of the populace from their gallant old governor, whom they considered as

obstinately bent upon running them into hideous misadventures, and did not hesitate to speak their minds

Like as a mighty grampus, who though assailed and buffeted by roaring waves and brawling surges, still

keeps on an undeviating course; and though over whelmed by boisterous billows, still emerges from the

troubled deep, spouting and blowing with tenfold violence so did the inflexible Peter pursue, un

wavering, his determined career, and rise contemp tuous, above the clamours of the rabble.

But when the British warriors found by the tenor of his reply that he set their power at defiance, they

forthwith dispatched recruiting officers to Ja maica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and

all those redoubtable towns which had been subdued of yore by the immortal Stoffel Brink erhoff, stirring

up the valiant progeny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, and those other illus trious squatters, to

assail the city of New Amster dam by land. In the mean while the hostile ships made awful preparation to

The streets of New Amsterdam now presented a scene of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did the

gallant Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and assemble in the public square or market place. The whole

party of Platter breeches in the course of a single night had changed into arrant old women a

metamorphosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as having happened at Rome at the

approach of Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, goats were converted into sheep, and cocks

The harrassed Peter, thus menaced from without and tormented from within baited by the bur gomasters

and hooted at by the rabble, chafed and growled and raged like a furious bear tied to a stake and worried by a

legion of scoundrel curs. Finding however that all further attempt to defend the city was in vain, and hearing

that an irruption of bor derers and moss troopers was ready to deluge him from the east, he was at length

compelled, in spite of his mighty heart, which swelled in his throat until it had nearly choked him, to consent

Words cannot express the transports of the people, on receiving this agreeable intelligence; had they obtained

a conquest over their enemies, they could not have indulged greater delight The streets resounded with

their congratulations they extolled their governor as the father and deliverer of his country they

crowded to his house to testify their gratitude, and were ten times more noisy in their plaudits, than when he

returned, with victory perched upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of Fort Christina But the

indignant Peter shut up his doors and windows and took refuge in the in nermost recesses of his mansion,

In consequence of this consent of the governor, a parley was demanded of the besieging forces to treat of the

terms of surrender. Accordingly a deputation of six commissioners was appointed on both sides, and on the

27th August, 1664, a capi tulation highly favourable to the province, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant,

was agreed to by the enemy, who had conceived a high opinion of the valour of the men of the Manhattoes,

One thing alone remained, which was, that the articles of surrender should be ratified, and signed by the

chivalric Peter When the commissioners respectfully waited upon him for this purpose, they were

received by the hardy old warrior, with the most grim and bitter courtesy. His warlike accou trements were

laid aside an old India night gown was wrapped around his rugged limbs, a red woollen night cap

overshadowed his frowning brow, and an iron grey beard, of three days growth, heightened the grizly terrors

of his visage. Thrice did he seize a little worn out stump of a pen, and essay to sign the loathesome paper

thrice did he clinch his teeth, and make a most horrible countenance, as though a pestiferous dose of rhubarb,

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

senna, and ipecacuanha, had been offered to his lips, at length dashing it from him, he seized his brass hilted

sword, and jerking it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, he'd sooner die than yield to any power under

In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy resolution menaces, remonstrances, revilings were

exhausted to no purpose for two whole days was the house of the valiant Peter besieged by the

clamourous rabble, and for two whole days did he betake himself to his arms, and persist in a magna nimous

refusal to ratify the capitulation thus, like a second Horatius Cocles, bearing the whole brunt of war, and

At length the populace finding that boisterous measures, did but incense more determined oppo sition,

bethought themselves of a humble expedient, by which haply, the governor's lofty ire might be soothed, and

his resolution undermined. And now a solemn and mournful procession, headed by the Burgomasters, and

Schepens, and followed by the enlightened vulgar, moves slowly to the governor's dwelling bearing the

unfortunate capitulation. Here they found the stout old hero, drawn up like a giant into his castle the doors

strongly barri cadoed, and himself in full regimentals, with his cocked hat on his head, firmly posted with a

There was something in this formidable position that struck even the ignoble vulgar, with awe and

admiration. The brawling multitude could not but reflect with self abasement, upon their own degene rate

conduct, when they beheld their hardy but de serted old governor, thus faithful to his post, like a forlorn

hope, and fully prepared to defend his un grateful city to the last. These compunctions how ever, were

soon overwhelmed, by the recurring tide of public apprehension. The populace arrang ed themselves before

the house, taking off their hats, with most respectful humility One of the Burgomasters, of that popular

class of orators, who, as old Sallust observes, are "talkative rather than eloquent" stepped forth and addressed

the gover nor in a speech of three hours length; detailing in the most pathetic terms the calamitous situation

of the province, and urging him in a constant repeti tion of the same arguments and words, to sign the

The mighty Peter eyed him from his little gar ret window in grim silence now and then his eye would

glance over the surrounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like that of an angry mastiff, would mark his iron

visage But though he was a man of most undaunted mettle though he had a heart as big as an ox, and a

head that would have set ada mant to scorn yet after all he was a mere mortal: wearied out by these

repeated oppositions and this eternal haranguing, and perceiving that unless he complied, the inhabitants

would follow ther in clinations, or rather their fears, without waiting for his consent, he testily ordered them

to hand him up the paper. It was accordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and having scrawled his

name at the bottom of it, he excommunicated them all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate platter

breeches threw the capitulation at their heads, slammed down the window, and was heard stump ing

down stairs with the most vehement indignation. The rabble incontinently took to their heels; even the

Burgomasters were not slow in evacuating the premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue from his

Containing reflections on the decline and fall of empires, with the final extinction of the Dutch Dynasty.

Among the numerous events, which are each in their turn the most direful and melancholy of all possible

occurrences, in your interesting and authentic history; there is none that occasions such heart rending grief to

your historian of sensi bility, as the decline and fall of your renowned and mighty empires! Like your well

disciplined funeral orator, whose feelings are properly tutored to ebb and flow, to blaze in enthusiastic

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

eulogy, or gush in overwhelming sorrow who has reduced his impetuous grief to a kind of manual has

prepared to slap his breast at a comma, strike his forehead at a semicolon; start with horror at a dash and

burst into an ungovernable paroxysm of despair at a note of admiration! Like unto him your woe be gone

historian ascends the rostrum; bends in dumb pathos over the ruins of departed greatness; casts an upbraiding

eye to heaven, a glance of in dignant misery on the surrounding world; settles his features into an expression

of unutterable agony, and having by this eloquent preparation, invoked the whole animate and inanimate

creation to unite with him in sorrow, draws slowly his white hand kerchief from his pocket, and as he

applies it to his face, seems to sob to his readers, in the words of a most tear shedding dutch author, "You

who have noses, prepare to blow them now!" or rather, to quote more literally "let every man blow his

Where is the reader who can contemplate without emotion, the disastrous events by which the great dynasties

of the world have been extin guished? When wandering, with mental eye amid the awful and gigantic ruins

of kingdoms, states and empires marking the tremendous con vulsions that shook their foundations and

wrought their lamentable downfall the bosom of the melan choly enquirer swells with sympathy,

commen surate to the sublimity of the surrounding horrors each petty feeling each private misery, is

over powered and forgotten; like a helpless mortal struggling under the night mare; so the unhappy reader

pants and groans, and labours, under one stupendous grief one vast immoveable idea one immense,

Behold the great Assyrian Empire, founded by Nimrod, that mighty hunter,; extending its do mains over the

fairest portion of the globe encreas ing in splendour through a long lapse of fifteen centuries, and

terminating ingloriously in the reign of the effeminate Sardinapalus, consumed in the confla gration of his

Behold its successor, the Median Empire, aug mented by the warlike power of Persia, under the sceptre of

the immortal Cyrus, and the Egyptian conquests of the desertbraving Cambyses accu mulating strength

and glory during seven centuries but shook to its centre, and finally overthrown, in the memorable battles

of the Granicus, the Issus, and the plains of Arbela, by the all conquering arm of Alexander.

Behold next the Grecian Empire; brilliant, but brief, as the warlike meteor with which it rose and descended

existing but seven years, in a blaze of glory and perishing, with its hero, in a scene of ignominious

Behold next the Roman Eagle, fledged in her Ausonean aerie, but wheeling her victorious flight over the

fertile plains of Asia the burning desarts of Africa, and at length spreading wide her trium phant wings,

the mistress of the world! But mark her fate view the imperial Rome, the emporium of taste and science

the paragon of cities the metropolis of the universe ravaged, sacked and overturned by successive

hordes of fierce barba rians and the unwieldly empire, like a huge but over ripe pumpkin, splitting into

the western em pire of the renowned Charlemagne, and the eastern or Greek Empire of Leo the Great

which latter, after enduring through six long centuries, is dis membered by the unhallowed hands of the

Behold the Saracenic empire, swayed by the puissant Gengis Khan, lording it over these con quered

domains, and, under the reign of Tamer lane subduing the whole Eastern region. Then cast an eye towards

the Persian mountains. Mark how the fiery shepherd Othman, with his fierce compeers, descend like a

whirlwind on the Nico median plains. Lo! the late fearless Saracen suc cumbs he flies! he falls! His

dynasty is destroyed, and the Ottoman crescent is reared triumphant on its ruins!

Behold but why should we behold any more? Why should we rake among the ashes of extin guished

greatness? Kingdoms, Principalities, and Powers, have each had their rise, their progress, and their fall

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

each in its turn has swayed a mighty sceptre each has returned to its primeval nothing ness. And thus did

it fare with the empire of their High Mightinesses, at the illustrious metro polis of the Manhattoes, under the

peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter the fractious reign of William the Testy, and the chivalric reign of

Peter Stuyvesant alias, Pieter de Groodt alias, Hard koppigPiet which meaneth Peter the

The patron of refinement, hospitality, and the elegant arts, it shone resplendent, like a jewel in a dunghill,

deriving additional lustre from the bar barism of the savage tribes, and European hordes, by which it was

surrounded. But alas! neither virtue, nor talents, eloquence, nor economy, can avert the inavertable stroke of

fate. The Dutch Dynasty, pressed, and assailed on every side, ap proached to its destined end. It had been

puffed, and blown up from small beginnings, to a most cor pulent rotundity it had resisted the constant

in croachments of its neighbouring foes, with phleg matic magnanimity but the sudden shock of

Thus have I seen a crew of truant urchins, beating and belabouring a distended bladder, which maintained its

size, uninjured by their assaults At length an unlucky brat, more knowing than the rest, collecting all his

might, bounces down with his bottom upon the inflated globe The contact of contending spheres is aweful

and destructive the bloated membrane yields it bursts, it explodes with a noise strange and equivocal,

And now nought remains but sadly and reluc tantly to deliver up this excellent little city into the hands of its

invaders. Willingly would I, like the impetuous Peter, draw my trusty weapon and defend it through another

volume; but truth, un alterable truth forbids the rash attempt, and what is more imperious still, a phantom,

hideous, huge and black, forever haunts my mind, the direful spectrum of my landlord's bill which like a

car rion crow hovers around my slow expiring history, impatient of its death, to gorge upon its carcass.

Suffice it then in brevity to say, that within three hours after the surrender, a legion of British beef fed

warriors poured into New Amsterdam, taking possession of the fort and batteries. And now might be heard

the busy sound of hammers made by the old Dutch burghers, who industri ously nailed up their doors and

windows to pro tect their vrouws from these fierce barbarians; whom they contemplated in silent sullenness

Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the comman der of the British force enter into quiet possession of the

conquered realm as locum tenant for the duke of York. The victory was attended with no other outrage than

that of changing the name of the province and its metropolis, which thenceforth were denominated New

York, and so have con tinued to be called unto the present day. The in habitants according to treaty were

allowed to main tain quiet possession of their property, but so in veterately did they retain their abhorrence

to the British nation, that in a private meeting of the leading citizens, it was unanimously determined never to

Such was the fate of the renowned province of New Netherlands, and it formed but one link in a subtle chain

of events, originating at the cap ture of Fort Casimer, which has produced the pre sent convulsions of the

globe! Let not this asser tion excite a smile of incredulity, for extravagant as it may seem, there is

nothing admits of more conclusive proof Attend then gentle reader to this plain deduction, which if thou

are a king, an emperor, or other powerful potentate, I advise thee to treasure up in thy heart though little

expecta tion have I that my work will fall into such hands, for well I know the care of crafty ministers, to

keep all grave and edifying books of the kind out of the way of unhappy monarchs lest peradventure they

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimer, then, did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient tri umph; but

drew upon their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuyvesant, who wrested all New Sweden from their hands

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

By the conquest of New Sweden Peter Stuyvesant aroused the claims of Lord Bal timore, who appealed to

the cabinet of Great Bri tain, who subdued the whole province of New Ne therlands By this great

atchievement the whole extent of North America from Nova Scotia to the Floridas, was rendered one entire

dependency upon the British crown but mark the consequence The hitherto scattered colonies being

thus con solidated, and having no rival colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great and powerful,

and finally becoming too strong for the mother country, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and by a

glorious revolution became an independent em pire But the chain of effects stopped not here; the

successful revolution in America produced the sanguinary revolution in France, which produced the puissant

Buonaparte who produced the French Despotism, which has thrown the whole world in confusion! Thus

have these great powers been successively punished for their illstarred conquests and thus, as I asserted,

have all the present con vulsions, revolutions and disasters that overwhelm mankind, originated in the

Let then the potentates of Europe, beware how they meddle with our beloved country. If the surprisal of a

comparatively insignificant fort has overturned the economy of empires, what (reason ing from analogy)

would be the effect of conquer ing a vast republic? It would set all the stars and planets by the ears

the moon would go to logger heads with the sun the whole system of nature would be hurled into chaos

Containing the dignified retirement, and mortal sur render of Peter the Headstrong.

Thus then have I concluded this renowned historical enterprize; but before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet

remains to be performed one pious duty. If among the incredible host of readers that shall peruse this book,

there should haply be found any of those souls of true nobility, which glow with celestial fire, at the history

of the gen erous and the brave, they will doubtless be anxious to know the fate of the gallant Peter

Stuyvesant. To gratify one such sterling heart of gold I would go more lengths, than to instruct the cold

No sooner had that high mettled cavalier signed the articles of capitulation than, determined not to witness

the humiliation of his favourite city, he turned his back upon its walls and made a growling retreat to his

Bouwery, or country seat, which was situated about two miles off, where he pass ed the remainder of his

days in patriarchal re tirement. There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind, which he had never known amid

the distract ing cares of government, and tasted the sweets of absolute and uncontrouled authority, which his

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the city on the contrary he would always have his great

arm chair placed with its back to the windows, which looked in that direction; until a thick grove of trees

planted by his own hand grew up and formed a screen, that effectually excluded it from the prospect. He

railed continually at the degene rate innovations and improvements introduced by the conquerors

forbade a word of their detested language to be spoken in his family, a prohibition readily obeyed, since none

of the household could speak any thing but dutch and even ordered a fine avenue to be cut down in front

The same incessant vigilance, that blazed forth when he had a vast province under his care, now shewed itself

with equal vigour, though in nar rower limits. He patrolled with unceasing watch fulness around the

boundaries of his little territory; repelled every encroachment with intrepid prompt ness; punished every

vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his farm yard with inflexible severity and conducted every stray

hog or cow in triumph to the pound. But to the indigent neighbour, the friendless stranger, or the weary

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

wanderer, his spa cious door was ever open, and his capacious fire place, that emblem of his own warm and

generous heart, had always a corner to receive and cherish them. There was an exception to this, I must

confess, in case the ill starred applicant was an En glishman or a Yankee, to whom, though he might extend

the hand of assistance, he could never be brought to yield the rites of hospitality. Nay, if peradventure some

straggling merchant of the east, should stop at his door with his cart load of tin ware or wooden bowls, the

fiery Peter would issue forth like a giant from his castle, and make such a furious clattering among his pots

and kettles, that the vender of "notions" was fain to betake himself to instant flight.

His ancient suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the brush, were carefully hung up in the state bed

chamber, and regularly aired the first fair day of every month and his cocked hat and trusty sword, were

suspended in grim repose, over the parlour mantlepiece, forming supporters to a full length portrait of the

renowned admiral Von Tromp. In his domestic empire he maintained strict discipline, and a well organized,

despotic government; but though his own will was the su preme law, yet the good of his subjects was his

constant object. He watched over, not merely, their immediate comforts, but their morals, and their ultimate

welfare; for he gave them abundance of excellent admonition, nor could any of them com plain, that when

occasion required, he was by any means niggardly in bestowing wholesome correc tion.

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a thank ful spirit,

which are falling into sad disuse among my fellow citizens, were faithfully observed in the mansion of

governor Stuyvesant. New year was truly a day of open handed liberality, of jocund re velry, and warm

hearted congratulation when the bosom seemed to swell with genial goodfellowship and the

plenteous table, was attended with an un ceremonious freedom, and honest broad mouthed merriment,

unknown in these days of degeneracy and refinement. Paas and Pinxter were scrupu lously observed

throughout his dominions; nor was the day of St. Nicholas suffered to pass by, without making presents,

hanging the stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its other cere monies.

Once a year, on the first day of April, he used to array himself in full regimentals, being the anni versary of

his triumphal entry into New Amster dam, after the conquest of New Sweden. This was always a kind of

saturnalia among the domes tics, when they considered themselves at liberty in some measure, to say and do

what they pleased; for on this day their master was always observed to unbend, and become exceeding

pleasant and jocose, sending the old greyheaded negroes on April fools errands for pigeons milk; not one of

whom but al lowed himself to be taken in, and humoured his old master's jokes; as became a faithful and

well disciplined dependant. Thus did he reign, happily and peacefully on his own land injuring no man

envying no man molested by no outward strifes; perplexed by no internal commotions and the mighty

monarchs of the earth, who were vainly seeking to maintain peace, and promote the welfare of mankind, by

war and desolation, would have done well to have made a voyage to the little island of Mannahata, and

In process of time, however, the old governor, like all other children of mortality, began to ex hibit evident

tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, which though it long has braved the fury of the elements, and still retains

its gigantic proportions, yet begins to shake and groan with every blast so the gallant Peter, though he still

bore the port and semblance of what he was, in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet did age and

infirmity begin to sap the vigour of his frame but his heart, that most unconquerable citadel, still

triumphed unsubdued. With matchless avidity, would he listen to every article of intelligence, concerning the

battles between the English and Dutch Still would his pulse beat high, whenever he heard of the victories

of De Ruyter and his countenance lower, and his eye brows knit, when fortune turned in favour of the

English. At length, as on a cer tain day, he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping after dinner, in

his arm chair, conquering the whole British nation in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a most fearful

ringing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, that put all his blood in a ferment. But when he

learnt, that these rejoicings were in honour of a great victory obtained by the combined English and French

fleets, over the brave De Ruyter, and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much to his heart, that he took to his

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

bed, and in less than three days, was brought to death's door, by a violent cholera morbus! But even in this

extremity, he still displayed the unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong; hold ing out, to the last gasp,

with most inflexible obsti nacy, against a whole army of old women, who were bent upon driving the enemy

out of his bowels, after a true Dutch mode of defence, by inundating the seat of war, with catnip and penny

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolution; news was brought him, that the brave De Ruyter, had

suffered but little loss had made good his retreat and meant once more to meet the enemy in battle.

The closing eye of the old warrior kindled at the words he partly raised him self in bed a flash of

martial fire beamed across his visage he clinched his withered hand, as if he felt within his gripe that

sword which waved in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, and giving a grim smile of exultation, sunk

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier a loyal subject an upright governor, and an honest

Dutchman who wanted only a few em pires to desolate, to have been immortalized as a hero!

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost grandeur and solemnity. The town was perfectly

emptied of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last sad honours to their good old governor. All

his sterling qualities rushed in full tide upon their recollections, while the memory of his foibles, and his

faults, had expired with him. The ancient burghers contended who should have the privilege of bearing the

pall; the populace strove who should walk nearest to the bier and the melancholy procession was closed

by a number of grey headed negroes, who had wintered and sum mered in the household of their departed

With sad and gloomy countenances the mul titude gathered round the grave. They dwelt with mournful

hearts, on the sturdy virtues, the signal services and the gallant exploits of the brave old veteran. They

recalled with secret upbraidings, their own factious oppositions to his government and many an ancient

burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never been known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten was now

observed to puff a pen sive pipe, and the big drop to steal down his cheek while he muttered with

affectionate accent and melancholy shake of the head "Well den Hard kopping Piet ben gone at last!"

His remains were deposited in the family vault, under a chapel, which he had piously erected on his estate

and dedicated to St. Nicholas and which stood on the identical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's

church, where his tomb stone is still to be seen. His estate, or Bouwery, as it was called, has ever continued in

the possession of his descendants, who by the uniform integrity of their conduct, and their strict adherence to

the customs and manners that prevailed in the good old times, have proved themselves worthy of their illus

trious ancestor. Many a time and oft, has the farm been haunted at night by enterprizing money diggers, in

quest of pots of gold, said to have been buried by the old governor though I cannot learn that any of them

have ever been enriched by their researches and who is there, among my native born fellow citizens, that

does not remember, when in the mischievous days of his boyhood, he con ceived it a great exploit, to rob

At this strong hold of the family may still be seen certain memorials of the immortal Peter. His full length

portrait frowns in martial terrors from the parlour wall his cocked hat and sword still hang up in the best

bed room His brimstone coloured breeches were for a long while suspended in the hall, until some years

since they occasioned a dispute between a new married couple and his silver mounted wooden leg is still

And now worthy reader, ere I take a sad fare well which alas! must be forever willingly would I part

in cordial fellowship, and bespeak thy kind hearted remembrance. That I have not written a better history of

the days of the patriarchs is not my fault had any other person written one, as good I should not have

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

attempted it at all. That many will hereafter spring up and surpass me in excel lence, I have very little

doubt, and still less care; well knowing, that when the great Christovallo Co lon (who is vulgarly called

Columbus) had once stood his egg upon its end, every one at table could stand his up a thousand times more

dexterously. Should any reader find matter of offence in this history, I should heartily grieve, though I

would on no ac count question his penetration by telling him he is mistaken his good nature by telling

him he is captious or his pure conscience by telling him he is startled at a shadow. Surely if he is so

ingenious in finding offence where none is intended, it were a thousand pities he should not be suffered to

I have too high an opinion of the understand ing of my fellow citizens, to think of yielding them any

instruction, and I covet too much their good will, to forfeit it by giving them good advice. I am none of those

cynics who despise the world, because it despises them on the contrary, though but low in its regard I look

up to it with the most perfect good nature, and my only sorrow is, that it does not prove itself worthy of the

If however in this my historic production the scanty fruit of a long and laborious life I have failed to

gratify the dainty palate of the age, I can only lament my misfortune for it is too late in the season for me

even to hope to repair it. Already has withering age showered his sterile snows upon my brow; in a little

while, and this genial warmth which still lingers around my heart, and throbs worthy reader throbs

kindly towards thyself, shall be chilled forever. Haply this frail compound of dust, which while alive may

have given birth to naught but unprofitable weeds, may form a humble sod of the valley, from whence shall

spring many a sweet wild flower, to adorn my beloved island of Mannahata! FINIS.

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 13

2. A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 1, page = 5

5. BOOK I. Being, like all introductions to American histories, very learned, sagacious, and nothing at all to the purpose; containing divers profound theories and philosophic speculations, which the idle reader may totally overlook, and begin at the next book., page = 11

11. BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants., page = 31

17. BOOK III. In which is recorded the golden reign of Wouter Van Twiller., page = 46

26. BOOK IV. Containing the Chronicles of the reign of William the Testy., page = 68

35. BOOK V. Containing the first part of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant and his troubles with the Amphyctionic Council., page = 92

43. BOOK VI. Containing the second part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong -- and his gallant atchievements on the Delaware., page = 112

52. BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong -- his troubles with the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty., page = 140